Chapter 29 Anyone remember me - DivorceBusting.com

Hey there, I thought of this board for some reason today.
I haven't been here in almost a year.

The past year+ has been the best of my entire life.

Let's see, since Sept 2011 (last post) I changed jobs - still with government, just a different agency & different position. I don't like it, not what it's supposed to be - so on the lookout like always.

I'm with a guy I met April 2011 - best thing EVER. It has been nonstop awesomeness. If something comes up, we talk and work it out. We compliment each other in all the best ways.

I cannot believe its approaching 7 years since I came to these boards and everything was thrown on its end. I only realized the time because I was talking with my mom who is still with her miserable 3rd H.

Let's see, been lavished with love, support, compliments, vacations. I still need to lose weight, I've actually gained

I'm miserable with that part of myself. Still paying debt, still in miserable house - but looking at some options of renting it to a family member and also refinancing. Talking about moving in with BF and we have discussed future plans

I hope everyone who was with me is doing well. Anyone new that might read this - it gets better. Hold on. focus on you. breath.

Congratulations.

Hey there, TMW, so glad it's all working out for you

P.S> won any contests lately?

I'm happy to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!"

Barb

clingingtohope - thank you

kml thanks

Winnings? other than finding the love of my life?

I won a Dave & Buster's $200 gift card at the begining of the year. That's been about it.

sunfunone - you certainly did, amongst many others

I can honestly say I am somewhat ashamed of how I was when I came to these boards. I was desparate. Things were already over, there was no saving - he was already gone, I just didn't know it because of all the lies and deception.

Oddly enough my mom ran into XH recently, he said hello and went to the other end of the store to checkout. He is still married to W2 with 2 kids. Not sure if I ever mentioned, they filed banktruptcy.

I've finally cut all ties to XH and his family, only thing truly left is the last name. I don't want to pay over $100 to change it now, I'll change it if/when I get married again

It's honestly SUCH a hassle to change a name. File court papers, pay fees - then go through changing EVERYTHING. From social security card, credit cards, shopper cards, license, deed, mortgage, utilities, work, email, etc etc etc etc. I'm not going through all that back to back.

Oh, and xbf - he's been seeing the same girl since we broke up. She forced him to get a job, but I guess she keeps track of all spending. He is behind on his bills - I'm getting his collection calls. Lovely. His mom is paying his bills.
His brother has helped fix my car a couple times and he's sort of done with his brother.

If anyone remembers the 'friend' that sort of got between xbf and I - we recently started talking a bit again. I'm very very cautious.
My 1 (previously) good 'friend' since elementary school that cared so much for me, but I didn't feel the same - I haven't talked to him in over a year

There was a whole incident when I went out of town and he said he'd let my dog out, but didn't really. After getting my key back, we haven't talked. I tried reaching out, twice, sent him messages trying to find out what happened. Nothing.

OH, and the creep I dated 2001 Jan-March, crazy and weird. He went to high school with my BF! He emailed again, I had to file a police report and go to prosecutor's office - they sent him a letter telling him to STOP all communication - email/fax/text/call/facebook/etc.

BF and I are both so happy, we both LOVE our relationship & love each other SO much! Neither of us had any idea life, love, could be like this, this wonderful. Honestly. It sounds all mush and fluff, but it is the truth.

I wish this for EVERYONE!

I'm getting more serious in thought about writing a book about my life in some form or another. I really wish there was a way to access my posts, my chapters, before 16.
For some reason, I can see posts I made on other people's threads, but not my own. It would help. I was so distraught going through the thick of it.

I heard a term that I never had...Annivorsary...The anniversary of a divorce.

Today is my 7 year annivorsary. Wish my brain didn't remember all these stupid dates.

1 week ago was my 10 year NOTiversary.

Happy Annivorsary. (I've never heard the term before). I will bet at this point you are glad to NOT be with your ex and especially NOT to be with Ex Boyfriend.

Wishing you the best.

Barb

Amen.

I am happy with the path that life has led me, for the most part. I have learned lessons the hard way.

Now I have an INCREDIBLE man whom I love and loves me awesomely.

if I could just get rid of this freaking house....i've tried every option I (or anyone) can think of. I can't refinance because I'm so upsidedown. I can't rent it out because of the problems it has (unless it's to someone I know). I can't sell it because of the problems it has & what I owe. I can't take a short sale/foreclose because of how it would affect my credit and therefore my job.

Only solution I can see is that I have to pay off debt, save up, fix it and hold on to it till the market improves.

My other solution, honestly, is that I am going to write to every home improvement, talk show, magazine, etc and plead my case.

Look into Obama's Making Homes Affordable plan....they were able to reduce my mortgage payment by about $1000/month.

Thanks reincarnated. I have, my debt/income ratio is too high

Hey TMW... been quite a while since I have been on DB, happy to see an update from you

Although I would never say it... I told you so too (oops guess I did say it) LOL

For some reason I thought of this forum the other day and couldn't remember how long it had been since I even logged on.

Almost a year. WOW.

LOTS have happened.

I did a Deed in Lieu of Foreclosure and gave the house back to the bank. Ironically I heard about it in Larry Crowne movie and talked about it with my boss and researched. I started the process at the end of August 2012, I officially moved out at the end of September and it was all done in December. I'm told this is relatively fast, but all that matters is I'm out of the money pit!!! It is a negative mark on my credit, but not as bad as full foreclosure or bankruptcy. I moved in with my boyfriend - the same awesome one I've been seeing for over 2 years now.

I've had more winnings - some big stuff too. Including a trip to the Grammy's in Feburary!!! Also, a week and half ago I won an engagement ring on a local radio station. Well, I won a necklace and it entered me into a grand prize drawing and I won that too.
A bit akward since my boyfriend is very much on the fence about marriage, but I don't really want to talk about that cause it will just upset me. It is a touchy subject.

Ironically on the day I won that ring....my xBFidiot got married.

let's see....I became Catholic and I got an annulment through the church

we lost my step-grandmother (grandpa's 2nd wife)
mom's husband is in bad health. she is trying to get back together with her 2ndXH.

that's the long and short of it i guess. in case anyone reads/cares/is still around

Fantastic for you! Thanks for sharing and best of luck with everything.

Hi there TMW,it wasn't that long ago I was thinking of you. glad to hear things are going pretty well.

So did you go to the Grammy's??? that is so cool! I have a friend who was there as well (he was a nominee, but didn't win this time. He's great though so he will get more chances. LOL)

Yep, we were flown out to LA, got to stay at the LA Live JW Mariott hotel, we went to the pre-show and then the actual awards and then the after party. It was very whirlwind!

Congrats on losing the money pit!

Quote:

I moved in with my boyfriend - the same awesome one I've been seeing for over 2 years now.
...............................................................
A bit akward since my boyfriend is very much on the fence about marriage, but I don't really want to talk about that cause it will just upset me. It is a touchy subject.

He's an "awesome" boyfriend - but after two years he's very much "on the fence" about marriage? What's that about, TMW?

the grammys sound AWESOME!!!!

kml - when we started dating, he told me upfront that he was unsure about the whole marriage 'thing'. we started dating, fell in love and here we are 2 1/2 years later.

He has opened up to the idea, but isn't sold on it. The topic keeps coming up for conversation privately and while out with friends. Obviously winning an engagement ring brings it all to the forefront.

He hasn't told his mom that i won this ring because he, and his friends, all know she will sort of freak out.

I saw a text conversation he had with a friend who asked him about it and he sort of reiterated that he isn't sure. He and his friend were saying how they don't see the point of marriage if there is a committment, unless kids are involved.

So it's been on my mind, maybe that's why I thought of this board (?). How long do I stay, wait and see if he changes his mind. How do I walk away? Is marriage THAT important to me?

That is what you need to decide for yourself. Can you go on with anyone for any real length of time without being married? If it is something you want, why should you continue in a relationship where marriage isn't in the picture?

Everyone comes into our lives to teach us something. Perhaps this relationship is here for you to decide how important it really is for you to be married.

kat

This will sound so silly but while reading your last post two movies came to mind:

Remember in When Harry Met Sally... after Sally and her long time live-in BF broke up and then he got engaged to someone else and she realized he wasn't against marriage, he just didn't want to be married to her...

or

Remember in He's Not that Into You... at the end when Jennifer Anniston's character decides she would rather be with Ben Afleck's character married or not because he truly showed her he loved her.

Which kind of guy are we talking about here?

sorry to be blunt, but here goes? Is he "unsure of the whole marriage thing" or unsure that you are the right person for him to marry? (Look for your answer to this in who he is, not what he says)

He doesn't see the difference between living together and being married.

I want that commitment in front of friends, family and most importantly God. I want that binding of our hearts, souls and lives.
I don't want it to ONLY be because of a child - a subject that we are both still uncertain about.

Not to mention all of the legal and financial aspects to it.

He talks about forever. He talks about things being 'ours' and whatnot.

He is more open to the idea of marriage with me, in his past he has been completely closed off to the very concept. He never even really talked about it before.

just playing devils advocate here... and voicing some questions that come to mind.

if he doesn't see a difference in being married and living together, but it does make a difference to you, the woman he loves.. then why not get married?

Originally Posted By: Toomanywords

He hasn't told his mom that i won this ring because he, and his friends, all know she will sort of freak out.

This doesn't sound good

Why is winning this ring an issue at all? Why not sell the ring you won and get some money for it.

I thought about selling it, I don't know. It is beautiful....

It's a big messy situation I guess.

We have talked about it so much.
I prayed for some sort of sign....and then I won this ring.

I had a friend ask why I even started dating him if I knew his stance - well, because you cannot predict on day 1 if there will even be a day 815 or 1256 or 18520.
We both know if it is something I want or need and he isn't ready, that we will end it on good terms.

It's just trying to determine a 'deadline' I guess.

Oh - and his mom.....WHOLE other issue - she is sort of obsessive over her son because she was a single parent and she never even dated or anything. Even now with him as an adult, she is in a nursing home, she worries and wants to know everything ie if he is sick.
she is one of the BIG reasons he has/had the thoughts about marriage that he did because she put those in his mind because she had a bad marriage.

she says she wants him to find someone, but she doesn't really. she wants him all for herself.

our priest made a few interesting comments on the situation - 1 was asking if he couldn't marry because he'd have to put his wife #1 instead of his mother and 2 he told my bf that not making a decision was making a decision......

okay so keep the ring and stop calling it an engagement ring, call it a beautiful diamond ring PERIOD.

why do you need a deadline?

TMW you are a very smart young woman and I think you know deep down inside if this BF is the right man for you. Only you can answer that...

If he is the right man then stop putting pressure on him (and you) and enjoy and build on what you have.

If he's not the right man, stop trying to make him into something he is not and is never going to be. Face your fear and do what is right for you.

you are right, you don't know on day 1 what day 415 will be like... but once you do know don't let it take another 400 days to try and make it change.

Figure out who you are and what you want out of this life and then make it happen.

...and what was your BF reaction to what the Priest said?

I think he is the one. I've never felt anything like what we have.

With the priest - BF was surprised, gave him things to think about that he said he really hadn't before.
That was back in....March I think.

I guess time will tell.

yes time will always tell

How is your job going? What are you doing these days for yourself?

Work [censored], nothing new there LOL

Let's see, I'm going to school. we go to trivia regularly. i am trying to get myself into a routine - but that isn't working very well because stuff keeps coming up.
I manage our softball team. we have a lot of stuff that comes up - like concerts and what not.
next week we have a concert and then the weekend will be bachelor/bachelorette parties for a couple we know that are getting married. busy busy

well you know I wish you all the best

Thanks

TMW - I want you to read a book calleh He's Scared She's Scared.

It's about Love Avoidants; and it sounds like your BF may be one.

His history with his mom suggests he may fall into this category:
"
Love Avoidants consciously (and greatly) fear intimacy because they believe that they will be drained, engulfed, and controlled by it. In childhood they were drained, engulfed, and controlled by somebody else�s:

Neediness
Reality
Existence

And they don�t want to go through that experience again.

Unconsciously: Love Avoidants fear being left at some level. The fear in adulthood stems from being abandoned as a child by the caregiver, since when a child is forced to nurture the parent, the parent abandons the child�s needs for nurture.
Love Avoidants really want a relationship, but they also fear them: Since Love Avoidants usually had very little human contact in childhood that relieved the pain, fear, and emptiness of abandonment, they did not learn that a relationship can relieve these feelings. But this unconscious fear of being left draws Love Avoidants towards relationships, even though they have great difficulty making a commitment or connecting to their partner.
"

without reading the book, in short - any advice on working with a love avoidant?

I don't know if that is necessarily what he is - he loves me, we live together, he talks about forever and everything just not the actual marriage aspect.

In his mind, currently, being married is no different than living together except that it is more expensive to walk away.

Read the book - it'll give you a better idea.

As for "working with" a love avoidant - they have to want to work on it themselves, I think. I've dated several (before I read the book and realized that it kept happening because I myself was skittish about getting back into a real relationship after my divorce).

But the more typical pattern is that someone who is a love addict gets stuck on the love avoidant - so you have to take a look at that in yourself.

2 of the 3 guys I dated are pretty hopeless - I doubt they'll ever overcome their issues. The third one found love with his old childhood love; but I know he still keeps her at arms length too.

Cori and I have been together for 6 years (maybe 7???I am bad with dates)

anyway

we are not married

nor do we have any plans on getting married

we have a house together (in both our names)
a child together
vehicles together

people refer to us as married

we just...aren't

our commitment is the same and we pledged before God to remain true to each other. We just, literally, do not have the paper

it felt really unnecessary

maybe someday
maybe not

but I am sure not going to worry about it

by the way
I have a beautiful ring, engraved with a beautiful message

Hi! The engagement ring story is a doozy! Here are some of my thoughts fwiw.

1. A guy who marries a girl because she won a free engagement ring has some serious problems with intimate relationships.

2. Praying for a sign and winning an engagement ring is weird, but be careful of reading it as what you want instead of what is. This might be a sign. Given a free engagement ring he isn't jumping off the fence is a very loud sign but not what you were thinking.

3. Do you really want your engagement ring from your future husband to be one you got for free somewhere? He wasn't thinking of buying you one, he didn't spend a cent, and he didn't go with you to learn what you like and why and try to get that for you.

4. Lots of women wear pretty diamond rings on their right hand ring finger. If you can't stop thinking of it as an engagement ring I would agree with the advice to sell it. Put the money in the bank and if he someday asks you to be his wife you can consider giving him that money to help pay for the ring of your choice, which will be BEAUTIFUL.

5. A grown man who doesn't tell his mother a funny story about his girlfriend winning an engagement ring of all things, because he can't handle her expected reaction...is flying some big red flags.

If you're not really looking to get married anyway, no reason not to enjoy his company, but it sounds like you really would like to be married some day, or the ring might not have stirred up hopes and thoughts of signs.

No one said anything about getting married BECAUSE I won a ring. We have talked about marriage a lot. No intimate relationship issues. He just doesn't see the difference of being committed and living together vs married.

And no I don't care if my engagement ring was something I won or he purchased. It is a free $2k ring I chose.

And with his mother - its her issue not his. She has serious attachment issues. She has been in a nursing home for a little over a year, bed bound 5 years prior. She and my bf always lived together because she got sick right at the end of his college career. She had issues just with me moving in with him.

He is trying to work through his hangups. When I get the ring I will give it him to put away with the understanding that if we break up its mine.

Do NOT give him the ring. It is yours. It has no meaning to it - just value.it has nothing whatsoever to do with your relationship with him.

I think it is important to marry if you want children together but that's me. I was married for 25 years & he left in a heartbeat - vows or no vows - it gives you no guarantee.

This guy is making you happy - why leave a good thing.

I don't believe in ultimatums but I also don't plan my life on superstitions and signs.

Only you know whether you want to stay or go but ou cannot force him to marry ou & if you push - he will resent it.

Barb

Sorry if I hit a nerve. Although no one said it it did seem strongly implied that there was some kind of connection to be sought between the fact of the ring and the possibility of a marriage. If I misinterpreted that and was offensive with my opinions, I apologize!

I think in that case then giving the ring to him with the assumption that if and when he decides marriage is for him, and he wants to marry you, then he'll use it to propose, and if you break up he'll give it back....is not a really good idea.

Just wear and enjoy the ring! And enjoy the BF! and mentally separate the two far far apart!

So, there I impose my opinion again, take it or leave it. I do think it's really cool that you won a $2K diamond ring though, wow.
All the best,
Adinva