I've read of my MLC spouses who leave without a forwarding address. And some who stay in touch but will give out no contact info. When my ex left - he would not give me his address or new cel phone #. He did give it to the 2 younger kids (19 & 12 at the time). So if I had to contact him - I did so by email. Then he changed his email address and I could only contact him through work.
Last year our son was rushed to hospital (he has always had serious medical issues) and I contacted him through work as he was near death. I asked him at the time for his email address. He told me "I'm not comfortable with that". (Like I'm some kind of stalker - NOT!).
Anyway - the kids have told me he is in Russia on some cruise. He left no contact info for them or for me. And Ryan has been in hospital and quite ill during the past couple of weeks. Apparently he knew he was in hospital but made no attempt to contact me to see how he was doing or to let me know he would be away.
How horrible would it be if he were away and something happened? Of course there would be nothing I could do. But it would be awful.
I remember my dearly departed DB pal Frosty would call her ex "The Mole" because he holed up and never gave her an address or phone # either.
I guess after 11 years they still want their little secrets.
Barb
I'm so sorry to hear about your son.
To me your XH is a piece of sh@t. Sorry. Any man who doesn't have the b@lls to take care of the welfare of their kids first and foremost isn't a man.
Stop worrying about him and just concentrate on your son. My prayers are with you.
Thank you Bond! I rarely think about him but in the moment - I believe in doing the right thing. Like last year - it was hard to call him to son's bedside but I knew I had to do that. It was him who felt uncomfortable - who had to face his demons - US - his other 2 kids, my new man, my siblings etc.
Ryan had a better day today.
Barb
we wish you and your kids all the best, especially a complete recovery for your son. and I totally agree with MrB.
Hope your son Ryan is doing better...its funny, we have so much in common, both with the special needs sons and my oldest son is named Ryan also..:)
I totally relate to the hospital stays and the handleing of things alone. but I guess thats why we were made with such strong shoulders...and I agree, your ex is an A hole...IMO..
Yep - agreed! It's hard to think he was an involved Dad for all those years - (Ryan was 23 when his dad left) then just totally dropped the ball. I have to say, though, that I was the hospital parent. We did not agree on how to care for Ryan and I was the positive one so I told him I was taking over. Ry's paediatrician chewed him out at one point for not helping out or getting involved more - so I guess it goes back a long way.
If anything should happen to Ryan - he would blame me and everyone else involved. Yet he and OW do not a thing to help.
Oh well - just venting away here today. He is in Russia. I am relieved actually.
Barb
Recently he told Ryan's nurse (she had take Ry to visit) that he would like to take him to the zoo and wondered who would pay for that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? He wouldn't pay to take his kid to the zoo once in 11 years when he can go on exotic cruises and get a new BMW???
Also he told her that maybe he and OW could take Ry overnight in a hotel sometime. Then OW balked and said "I'm not sure we could handle that". And my nurse reminded him that Ryan sleeps in a hospital bed, uses lifts etc.
I often wonder what planet he came from. He is certainly not from my world.
Barb
They say a Mid-Life Crisis can last for years. I am amazed at how delusional he is still. He just doesn't get it. While my ex is delusional he has been good about taking the kids to their appointments in KC even when I can't get off. I think I have only missed one. He has missed several but I think it is important that he is going now. Oh and I think we spoke of this before, my son that needed all the transfusions and surgery, is Ryan.
Thinking of you guys. Big hugs, kat
Unbelievable he didn't leave any contact info!! you have a special case w/ Ryan and there is no excuse for him just leaving like that, what the heck is wrong w/ the man?? oh dont answer that Barb LOL
Mines so willy nilly bi polar it makes me dizzy... for months, he didn't even contact his one and only offspring! my Ryan all but wrote him off, now all of a sudden hes texting him, calling ,finally making plans to come out for a few days in July to see his son who he has not seen in 2 yrs and even writing me , making jokes, being,,,,,almost human and ,,,,nice! egads!
I quit trying to figure them out long ago B, its just too confusing!
Hope Ryan is feeling better soon. Hugs to you and him my friend
Kat: Yep - he actually thinks he does ok. Hmmm... not sure how he comes up with that but if maggot tells him he's a good dad - he believes he's a good dad. Because that's the one thing that has never changed in 11 years. maggot calls all the shots.
He has never ever given us contact info. Usually I don't even notice but this time - it really hit home as things have been rough lately with Ryan.
Thanks - Ry had a good day today!
Barb
Karen:
Isn't it strange how many of us have sons named RYAN! That's 4 or 5 us here!
I didn't realize your ex had gone that long without seeing his only child.
BiPolar? I've certainly thought it of my ex. Probably true of many of them. My C suggested Chuck probably was. It sure explains a lot if it's true.
When he left he accused me of being controlling. My C says it was not controlling - it was "being responsible" because one of us had to be.
Barb
it was "being responsible" because one of us had to be.
exactly!!
well ex moved to WV, for a job, so thats the main reason, why he didnt spend one of his times coming to see him , and not to his sisters to hang out, ski, party is beyond me!!! but thats how he is--- or the 6 months Ryan was out of work, to fly him over, who knows, but guess hes decided to come see his son's new apt. see where he works,yada yada, i HOPE thats why hes coming!
Yea lots of Ryans! popular 80s name eh? lol
Ahhh but my Ryan was born in '79. So I was ahead of the game - LOL!
yes, I have always wondered why my ex would never invite his kids away for the w/e. But I KNOW the answer. In my case - maggot runs the show and has from the day she put her sites on my husband. She is a predator. She knew just what to do and say. Ex is alcoholic and has a few mental problems besides. She accepts some very bad behaviours and he would NEVER leave her because she knows too much about him. LOL. She runs the show!
Dickheads for sure. Hey - that's funny - our ex H's also have the same name!
Barb
I was on the backend of the Ryan's...mid 90's. Good Irish name.
. Went with the solid Latin standby, Patrick, for his middle name.
Hope all is well with your Ryan.
kat
Kat: Is your ex H also called Dickhead??? We all DO have so much in common. LOL
Ryan had a rough day yesterday - he keeps having skin breakdowns. I spent the entire day on Ryan stuff yesterday. 2.5 hour meeting with his day program staff, then a visit to the dr. Then phone calls and emails about his care that lasted till suppertime! Then last night I went in his room and his bed was SOAKED! Took a long, long time to get him clean and dry and comfortable. BUT...
Went in his room this morning and he was awake. I opened the curtains and he just had the biggest smiles on the planet for me. And it was all worth it! Nothing could make me feel so happy!
Barb
Poor baby, glad he had a smile for you today tho
So i went to lunch w/ a girlfriend from my old work today, shes a little younger, we got together because people were telling her to contact me and you can guess why,,,,
15 yrs of marriage, 2 teen boys... and yup, hubby is bored, hooked up w/ a co worker 12 yrs his junior, went on a buss. trip, called her from the airport to say, he decided to not come home, and instead to move in w/ her!, hasnt paid any child support as of yet, Shes working on that now,,, she finally filed, one day decided to forget it, after crying and being a depressed mess for 8 months.
She seems actually pretty good, but I feel bad for her boys, one is taking it better, the other, 13, dosnt understand why dad dosnt love them, never comes over, never calls. Sooo sad, and such a repeat story!
Hi Barb, how do you deal with the day to day anxiety when your son is not doing well? It must be so hard, I am interested in how you have learned to cope with so much uncertainty about his health.
And back to the original concept of the thread, my ex moved to Mongolia in January. You may remember that the OW was a Mongolian national 20 years younger who snatched him at a bar in London. They have been married for a few years and have two little kids. Prior to his move he had been not in touch with his family at all for more than a year and would not allow his children to see their grandmother, aunts, uncles, or cousins. The new wife had kept in touch and they did get together before the move across the world with his mother who is almost 90. I have no contact but I do get stuff from his family.
I speculate why but even his family does not know. Maybe support for his wife whose family is there, financial? An adventure? Who knows why they do this. Drastic, I think your x leaving without contact is too. Wonder
Karen:
Oh - your poor friend. It does take you back, doesn't it? To that time when we were all feeling totally lost. Deserted. Fearful. Trying to get our exes to see the "error of their ways". Hmmm...
I think they don't look back once they've made that decision. I know that mine tried it once but no way could he ever face his demons or his mistakes. So he stayed with her - someone who would take him at his worst because of all the perks her came with. Pathetic, really.
I hope you were able to give her some comfort and assurance that she WILL be ok in time. Just as I did with you. And you have done so many times since.
Barb
Hey Wonder,
Sometimes I wonder too. Hmmm... I have been a caregiver for all my adult life. And it will be probably for the rest of my life too. And the truth is - it is NOT easy.
Lately it seems I am in demand 24/7. Despite the fact I have nursing care in the house - they rely on me to make decisions all the time. It's too much but it is something I have to do. I am so glad that Josh accepts it all - most men would run!
Unbelievable what your ex and mine have done. Like they don't even have kids. I guess we have to do our best to convince our kids that they are not the cause of the problem and that their dads DO love them. Despite the fact they sold them out for a sexual partner. What kid can deal with that?
Oh well - enough of that. Mine is probably having another honeymoon on his 2nd cruise this year. He knows Ryan will be fine - after all - he has a great mother.
Barb
Thanks Gineen,
It has been a real struggle.
We have the Dietician on speed dial. LOL. Ry is tube fed and on Jevity. He seems to do well on it.
But as fast as we can clear up one area - another becomes red and inflamed. He has just been through so much and it is so difficult to have this happening.
Onward. We will conquer this eventually. In the meantime - hope to get him out for a boat ride tomm.
Barb
Wanna come? It is so nice on the lake right now.
Barb
I have heard the name Ryan used on girls a lot lately, i kinda like it!
Your pics looked beautiful of your lake Barb!
Hey K,
A lady came here today with a respite care agency (Hallelujah). They are going to babysit for free app once a month so Josh and I can go out. Again - HALLELUJAH!
Anyway - she said to me - I also have a son named Ryan but he is my 2nd son. So I said "my 2nd son is named Brandon". And she said "my oldest is named Brandon - do you have an Amanda or a Shannon"? Nope but Ashley Sarah is not that far off.
Barb
Oh great on the care agency! Happy for you!
Thats pretty funny! Seems you two have the same taste, funny when Ry was in grammer and middle school, not one other Ry in his class, now it seems , they are all over!
So where will be your first destination for your night out??
Movies! I have not been able to go see a movie since we moved here. Our small theatre only has movies at 7 PM - no longer matinees. Our nurse leaves at 8 and we're about 20 min away from the theatre. So no way we could see a movie!
Dinner and a movie - I know - now I'm pushing it LOL!
We do get out for dinner - we just make sure we're there by 6. But truthfully - Josh's cooking is better. Together we put make wonderful dinners here.
It's weird - I'm used to being in at 8 every night. It's only when you THINK you're missing something that you really, really want to go out - to the movies. If I didn't think about it - most of the time I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Barb