Each day I feel a little stronger. It's a daily battle with myself but I'm more at peace with my situation than I have been in the last couple of years.
Spring has definitely sprung here in the Southeast. The pollen count yesterday beat the all time Georgia record. It was 9,367! High is anything over 500 and extreme is anything over 1500. They don't know what to call 9,367!!! Thank heavens for my netti pot is all I can say!
With spring comes new challenges for myself. I have been in extreme cocoon and hibernation mode for several months now and couldn't motivate myself to do anything much. I would go on halfhearted short walks. That is about it. This last weekend Gabe, Marc, and I decided to push ourselves and get more fit. Gabe signed himself and Marc up for my gym so we can now go all together or separately. I also told him there will be no more pasta or rice for a while but I've already fallen off the rice wagon. It's hard to fill up a 17 year old on only fish and vegetables. It's brown rice but still....my body doesn't do very well with carbs and I know it. I limit it to 1/2 cup. We'll see if that is good enough.
There are plenty of moments in a day that I think, "Why am I so miserable?" and then I just brush it off and go on. It comes out of nowhere and it frustrates me. What I would love to say is, "Why am I bubbling over with happiness?" Well....a girl can dream can't she? LOL
Heck, part of it is probably the fact that I'm going to be 41 next month (eek!) and I still feel like I have no direction. Gees, shouldn't a woman my age have a danged goal in mind?
Good for you!
"Fill your mind with light, happiness, hope, feelings of security and strength, and soon your life will reflect these qualities."
I hope there's some truth to that. Don't remember where I saw it...but it made sense and I liked it...so I kept it.
Sounds like you have lots of goals chica. You just don't think of them that way!
I like the thread title.
You serving drinks?
Yep, a drink sounds in order! Fresh thread, happy thoughts and us chilling together!
Kat
You got it! In the words of "The Varsity"......what'll ya have, what'll ya have, what'll ya have?
Um mm, how about a grasshopper. Since it is virtual I won't have to sweat my darn tooth.
Cheers!
You got it!!! One grasshopper coming up! I think I'll make myself a chocolate martini!
Stopping in to check in on you! How are you? Survivng the pollen?
kat
Yum, chocolate martini. Those cure allergies right?
I wish they cured allergies! Dang, I'd have one in my water bottle at all times. Of course, you drink enough of them and the allergies won't really matter anyway.
The pollen count is on it's way back up this week. My Neti Pot is getting a serious workout. UGH!
Busy, busy, busy at work. Can't even step away to the little girl's room most of the day. It's a little crazy!
Busy is good, but overwhelmed is NOT good!
Hi Mish!!...just checken in on ya, sorry allergies are so bad, mine havent hit yet but im sure there comen....Id suffer the allergies to live in GA anytime though, have always wanted to live there..:)
Well come on!
The more the merrier! LOL
Why does every day have to be such a struggle? I would love just one week (I won't say a day because that is just not enough to get over the residual crud) where I could breathe and feel like everything is good.
I won't whine. That is just tiresome and pointless. I'm just exhausted from living in a constant state of worry and minor panic. The first of the month is the worst. It creates bad dreams that cause the next day to be horrible. And the cycle continues........
On a positive note, I had two free movie tickets and took Marc to see "The Hunger Games" last night. It was SO good but the book was better.
Big hugs Mish. Thanks for your well wishes(man that loss hurts). Anyway back to the real world right?
I know you have said that it has been really hard for you to see positives or visualize them. I really do believe that what you put out into the universe comes back to you. So we have to figure out a way to get those good thoughts booming.
When things go wrong, for the most part, I have gotten so much better about breaking them down. Taking them one at a time and not trying to look at all these bad things happening. You and I can handle one bad thing, right?
Another thing that might help is writing down each day what you are grateful for. You have a great son, a partner and a job as well as a plce to sleep each night and food to eat. You get to see cardinals flying around and beautiful gardens of flowers. You live near a big city so that you can come up with lots of different things to do. I am sure you can add more.
Now what is one thing that you really want? You can cut out a picture of it, draw it, imagine it? Write it down and start focusing on that one thing happening or becoming yours. think about it at least a few times a day. Let's see what happens. No negative thoughts, just give it a go.
kat
Funny thing kat! I just actually did that pinning up a picture as a goal.
That picture? The cruise ship I want to be sitting my behind on next summer with my family.
It may have to be pushed to 2 years, but if I shoot for next year then I may be closer to my goal by then that if I tell myself 2 years.
The blessings in my life FAR outnumber the curses. Like you said, I can handle one bad at a time. It's the accummulation that overwhelms. I'm dealing with it as best I can. The panic just gets me into a dark place some days but not half as many as it used to.
One more thing I want that I'm working on is to be healthier by next year.
I work on that daily. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I may not be able to work out as hard as I would like but I'll work my way there. My diet is a real problem since the ability to buy healthy food when I need to is sometimes lacking but I do what I can.
I'm so glad it's spring and I'm breaking out of the 'comfort food curse' that I cocoon in during the winter. We are having lots of salads, fruit, and wraps now that the produce is going WAY down in price. So nice! Meat is still FAR too expensive but when I see a sale, I stock as much as I can. So far, so good.
That's a great goal!!!
It is overwhelming at times. Just keep focused on the fact that it won't always be overwhelming. It's just a passing phase.
You have been doing great with the gym!
Thanks! Gabe and Marc joined so it's become a family affair. It's funny to watch Marc sometimes. He's so scattered! LOL
Making endorphins together! Sounds like a great family activity.
Hey, I saw something that's helped me. It's on Ted.com. Rick Elias, "Three things I learned while my plane crashed."
The biggest thing -- negative energy. Try to eliminate negative energy from your life.
Easy to hear and say. Hard to do though.
Thanks A. I actually did read that. It was really a great read and full of thought provoking ideas and observations.
Hey mish,
Just popping in to say hello. I was thinking how much I missed our chats on here. I skyped Lisa and easier the other night and they are both doing well. Things are good with me, I'm actually thinking about going home now!
Good work on the gym, I have been going too and it does make a difference. I hate always struggling with my weight. Keep going. I wish I could express what a positive influence you have been in my life and what a great friend you have been to me.
Actually I saw that my exh got married to the wh*re a few days ago. I happened tO be stalking him on fb just out of interest. It felt weird but I'm over it already. I did have to laugh because her dress was awful and unflattering and he wa wearing a camel coloured suit and sporting some weird chiselled beard. Sorry, the inner b!tch came out there!! Ha!
Anyway, I couldn't have got through it without you and all my friends on here.
Love Julia x
Oops stupid auto correct I skyped essie not easier
Julia, I miss our chats SO much! Really, pop in here any time and we can have some fun!
You are actually considering going home? Really? What changed your mind?
He M'd her??????!!!!!! OMG! Glad it didn't drag you down though. That would NOT have been worth it.
A camel colored suit for a wedding? Well....to each his own. LOL You know, you can be a snarky as you would like with us....we totally get it!!!
Glad to hear Lisa and Essie are doing good (and glad to hear that Essie is NOT easier! LOL). I miss their humor quite a bit. Glad you are able to keep in touch.
Drop back in or pop me a message in the alt!
I went a little nuts in the cooking this weekend.
I had a small (12 pound) turkey in the freezer that Gabe and received for Christmas from his employer and it really needed to be used so I thawed it out this week and Saturday I roasted it. Now, you know we couldn't have turkey without some of our favorite sides......mashed potatoes & gravy, corn, southern style green beans, and hawaiian sweet rolls. I even made lemon bars (2 ingredients...so easy!). For Sunday we were going to my cousin's house and I only took 2 things! That has to be some sort of record for the least amount of stuff I've ever been asked to make! The feeding frenzy commenced at 4pm and I still had a massive amount of "crack" potatoes left. So many that I brought them home and froze them in a smaller casserole to have at a later date!
Crazy, I know.
The weather could not have been better. Sunny, clear and in the 70's all weekend with a nice breeze. Bad for the allergies though.
Sounds as if you had a good holiday. I didn't have the girls and the boys worked all weekend so just bought them some chocolate and will save a nice dinner for tonight.
Hope everything else is starting to settle down for you.
kat
Not settling down, but just taking one day at a time and not dwelling on tomorrow too much. Whatever happens will happen and I really have no control over that, right?
I have a couple of leads on some part time work. I'm hoping one of them pans out soon or I may stop treading water and sink entirely!
So what are you making for your dinner together tonight?
Pork Chops, green beans, mashed potatoes and dinner rolls! Yum!!
Meg and I started watching a National Geographic series and she wants to watch the end with me. Raku rocks!!
kat
Into the Pride. This guy gets to work with a pride of rogue lions. If they can't handle tourists driving through their area without attacking the trucks, they will be destroyed. He works with them for 6 months. I watched all 5 episodes on Sunday but she missed the last one so we watched it last night.
We used to watch ghost stories all the time. I guess we get to mix things up now.
kat
Sounds interesting. It's so nice that you are able to share things like that. The only way I can get Marc to sit down with me and watch anything is if it involves the military and military history, guns, planes or cars. It gets old really fast!
I am blessed having 4 kids. there are a few things that they all are into but otherwise vwery different. S16 and I love to watch 2 and 1/2 Men(we always seem to watch the reruns as opposed to the new one.) and Hot in Cleveland. He is also really into historical stuff too. S13 ghost stuff is a sure thing. S11 is still figuring out what she likes best and S19 is practically always with his girlfriend so we don't get to share much anymore.
I guess take the military stuff while you can!
kat
I'm just glad kids television is so much better than when I was growing up. SpongeBob Squarepants, Jimmy Neutron, Miley Cyrus. I got into all of it. I watched Geek Charming two weekends ago and it was good.
I was watching "The Biggest Loser" last night and something happened that set me off into a short fit of anger aimed squarely at myself.
One of the contestants has been in a pretty co-dependent M with a man 20 years older than her. He was eliminated several weeks ago but she has held on. After he left she started getting stronger and stronger and was super focused on herself and getting healthy strictly for her. It seemed like she had broken through some of her patterns and I was so happy for her. Last night she called her H from a hotel room in DC where they were visiting the White House. Her husband told her how lonely he was and how much he needed her and whine, whine, whine....she let it get her and asked him if he needed her to come home. The bas!ard actually told her YES! A$$!!! He wasn't being supportive of her process, he was only considering his own selfish reasons for wanting her home. She went into a tailsping and starting bingeing on mayo, peanut butter, cheeseburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches. All at once! It made me SO MAD! She ended up being eliminated because she gained 2 pounds with all her craziness.
I thought about it more later and it's such a parallel to my own life and that is what angered me so much apparently. I lived so much of my life for everyone else and didn't pay any attention to my own needs and my own health. It was all in the name of 'taking care of my family'. 5 years ago I took my health into my hands, started a diet program with a doctor's help, and lost 60 pounds. That was only a dent in what I needed to lose but it was a good start. When I started that was when Gabe started his A. When he left I had to stop my diet doctor because I couldn't afford it anymore with the loss of income. I maintained for a few months due to the anxiety diet (eat a little, throw it up, eat a little, throw it up....). Once I was medicated and could eat again I started to gain a little bit, a little bit more...2 of 3 pounds here or there. Then, I lost my insurance entirely, had to stop the AD's and the depression hit so hard that my only comfort was food. Now I've gained all of that back and I'm scared. Scared to concentrate fully on my own health again. My twisted brain equates my taking care of myself with his reason for leaving. I didn't pay enough attention to him, I was wrapped up in my health, taking care of my mom, and taking care of Marc. Well, mom's care is no longer on my plate but everything else still is.
How do I go back to concentrating on me and not being afraid that is going to be a catalyst to him walking out again? It may sound stupid to you all, it really does to me too when I say it out loud, but it FEELS very real. How do I break the association between the two things in my head?
Suggestions?
Juz thinking out loud here, hope it helps somehow. The brain doesn't care what kind of thought you put in there, as long as a thought goes in. Human beings always look for why something happens and much of the time that's a good thing. We want to figure it out so it won't happen again or be able to repeat it if it was a good thing. When we can't explain something we look for any explanation because it tends to make us feel more secure. You have equated looking after yourself as the cause of your husbands affair. So what you're telling yourself is that if you take care of yourself he will leave you. Does that make any logical sense at all? Now, what it does tell you is that you must pay attention to your relationship (assuming your lack of attention actually had anything to do with it). I'ts not an all or nothing thing. You can take care of you and take care of your relationship. There is a middle ground. Find it. If your health deteriorates due to weight issues will that preserve your relationship? Don't think so!
No, it certainly won't help it either. That's the other side of my fears. They war with each other....it's nuckin futz.
The other part of my head says that he left because he couldn't deal with my illnesses. There was a while there that I was sick every other darned week for about 2 years. I used to get massive migraine headaches but those have eased quite a bit. When I get really sick (like it did the first part of the year) I have an extra layer of terror added to the daily disaster.
I always thought I was taking care of both, that's why it threw me for such a loop. Yes, there were times he didn't get as much attention, but there were plenty of times that the opposite was true.
There is a real possibility that none of this made any difference and he would have left no matter what I had been doing. The wiring in the brain gets so messed up when what you are told is so different than the perceived reality you live in, doesn't it? The words he said have much more power than I should have given them but they play like a tape recorder when something triggers them.
As if you need any more info to know just how seriously messed up I am, I'll give you one more scenario that just happened the other night. It may be TMI so I'm warning you! LOL
I walked into the bedroom and as I crossed the foot of the bed a horrible smell hit me square in the face. Now, knowing I didn't do it, that left only one other person in the room. I made a face, said 'ewwwwww....gees, you could have warned me.' and grabbed the spray. He insisted it wasn't him and I laughed it off and said,'yeah...ok...whatever.' Now, it's pretty unusual for him not to own it and laugh about it but he was adamant it wasn't him and then he got really mad at me and raised his voice and was angry that I was blaming him. Really? This was worth getting mad about and yelling at me. I just brushed it off and said ok. I got in bed and just turned on my side reading my book and not talking to him. I started crying and couldn't stop but I wasn't making any noise, no sniffling, no shaking, just silent tears. Suddenly he reached over and said he was sorry he got upset with me (by then we had both figured out it was our little tiny 10 pound dog) and then he realized I was crying. I just told him I was sorry he was so mad at me. He said he wasn't mad and that he was sorry he had seemed that way.
The crying was from fear that he was mad at me. WTH? Should it really matter? No. Should I have just apologized? Probably, but then he would have felt justified for getting mad at me in the first place. It was SO DANG STUPID.
Ok....fire away....
First of all: Big hug! Secondly, the reason he left had nothing to do with you. Every relationship has ups and downs and we need to own our part in that but no, you didn't make him leave. There was something that HE was missing inside. So easy if he said it was all your fault, you weren't this or that, but deep down it was something he was missing in himself.
We go around thinking that someone else can make us happy or whole. The truth is that it all is within us. Heaven help the person running around thinking someone completes them and without that person they are nothing.
As a mom, I know how hard it is to put yourself first. I often get sick when I slow down because I am constantly running on fumes. I am a work in progress. I have said this before, usually on the fidelity thread but when I was a flight attendant and we would do the oxygen mask demo, we say put the mask on yourself first and then children with you. I used to always think, oh no, I would put it on Christopher first. I didn't get it until the divorce: If I don't take care of myself first, I won't be around to help my kids or others that might need me. If I put it on my child first, he doesn't have the skill set that I do...he can't take care of me and his siblings. So as selfish as it sounds, put your oxygen mask on yourself first. Take care of you so that you can be there for Gabe and Marc tomorrow and many years into the future.
kat
"I thought about it more later and it's such a parallel to my own life and that is what angered me so much apparently."
Hold onto this tightly. When things really anger us in a visceral way, in a sustained way, those things are incredibly often about our own pain that we don't want to face. If you can get this and keep it, it is a key to enormous growth. Anger now shows us our pain, our way to growth. Anger becomes deeply valuable, transformative. Notice the anger. Look at it with compassion.
"Scared to concentrate fully on my own health again. My twisted brain equates my taking care of myself with his reason for leaving. I didn't pay enough attention to him, I was wrapped up in my health, taking care of my mom, and taking care of Marc. Well, mom's care is no longer on my plate but everything else still is.
How do I go back to concentrating on me and not being afraid that is going to be a catalyst to him walking out again? It may sound stupid to you all, it really does to me too when I say it out loud, but it FEELS very real. How do I break the association between the two things in my head?"
(1) Recognizing this association is one of your biggest moments. Really.
(2) I don't have an easy answer as to how to stop it from sabotaging you. But, I think RECOGNITION is the most important thing. And you've accomplished that.
(3) It doesn't matter if your success led to the A. Because, wouldn't be YOUR success. It would be your SUCCESS. Meaning, it wouldn't be you, it would be success that led Gabe to act out. And, unless you are willing to live a life without success (which would be horrible for you, Marc, and even Gabe), then that will have to be a problem he will have to confront. It is NOT about you. It is about Gabe. It is about his own feelings of inadequacy that pre-date you. It is NOT YOUR fault.
The best I can do here is share some fairly recent events that were fairly huge for me. I even considered starting a thread, lol.
Anyway, I've been stuck for more than a decade in my professional work in my main area of expertise, call it X. In a fairly recent Google search, I discovered XH was involved in some pretty nasty stuff, screwing around on his new W, repeating the same old disfunctional patterns that he hates himself for. (Don't worry, I'm not an XH stalker, I looked up his current email address via Google and this info was #1 on the Google Search screen. Let your imagination be as nasty as you want it to be, probably not far off the mark.)
Then, I could work on X again.
Hmmmm.... There were many contributing factors. Stability in a new home, feeling settled, job security, fabulous supportive-beyond-belief-H, and so on. But. It definitely helped finding that info.
At first, I felt sick for XH (and still do). But, I also felt a huge sense of relief. I FINALLY JUST THIS YEAR realized that I associated success with X with XH leaving (and a few various bombs in the years before.) I'd do well with X, and XH would really mess up our (X)M.
I did NOT realize this clear relationship until this year. It was HUGELY freeing.
I saw him doing the same old crap and it was NOT about me. I had nothing to do with it.
And, I realized I had nothing to do with it before. It wasn't ME.
EITHER --
(1) The relationship between X and XH's bad behavior was merely random (which it may well have been). (In your case, the relationship between your improved health and Gabe's bad behavior was entirely random.)
OR
(2) The relationship between X and XH's bad behavior was real, but it was not about ME, but about XH's inability to tolerate success (which it may well have been). (In your case, the relationship between your improved health and Gabe's bad behavior was not about YOU, but about Gabe's inability to tolerate living with a more secure partner.)
In the first case, the worry about X or weight loss is to be dismissed.
In the second case, the worry about X or weight loss is to be dismissed TOO. Because, ultimately, the sick co-dependence involved damages all involved parties (and their children) FAR MORE than the pain of growth that actually gets us to a better place.
You don't stay with an abuser. You don't stay with someone who can only tolerate a life of misery with you.
I think the BIGGEST part of getting unstuck/unblocked is simply recognizing the damaging association in our minds.
I was like WOW I HAD NO IDEA that was holding me back. But once I saw it, BAM. It was gone.
So you Mish. Smash that connection. YOU SEE IT. YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR SIGHTS. THIS IS MEGA-HUGE!!!!!
oh mish, You are stronger then you thing!..i remember distinctly how you helped me through some pretty crappy times back in the beginning and if it werent for your strength I dont know what or were I would be...
Its hard to except that its ok to take care of ourselves and with your added history its even harder but at least you are aware of the conection, thats the first step!!...
Im certainly not one to advise right now but want you to know Im thinken about ya...((hugs))
Just some early morning thoughts (which means my brain is not fully awake). But I read what you wrote yesterday and it really hit home for me too. In a lot of ways.
SUCCESS is threatening. Threatening to a spouse who is suffering from self esteem. It would not be threatening to a spouse who wants what is ultimately what is best for you - which is of course - what is best for your entire family.
My Dad used to come over every day after Ex left me. He knew all the dark and dirty little secrets. LIke OT's ex - my ex did some pretty nasty stuff - stuff that made the news - stuff that even my daughter does not know about to this day and hopefully never will. Anyway - my dad (and my godfather), who knew my ex very well (guy weekends together etc) - told me they believed ex left me because I was so successful. In my business. In my charity work.
My ex told me on the night I won a major volunteer award that "I always wanted to do something like this". He was not happy that I got all the glory. He did not share in my feelings of joy. This was very telling and spoiled what should have been a momentous occasion. I let him know how hurt I was. Not a single photo did he take despite the camera was on the table at the dinner we attended. Later he tried to make it up by "posing" a photo with my award, buying gifts of congratulations and a card. But the damage was done - and it stuck with me.
When I first learned about maggot (ow), Ex told me "we understand each other. We both suffer from low self esteem". So he picked someone who he thought was more of an equal. Hmmm...
My friends felt that I had outgrown him. I never saw it that way. At the time. But it did make me think. About how I was always the one who did the most in the family. My ex (upon leaving) complained about how controlling I was (words from ow no doubt). My C said "You were not controlling - you were taking charge of the family - someone had to do it and it is obvious that he left the majority of the work up to you).
I did not mean for this post to be all about me. But your posts awakened some memories in me. They made me remember some aspects of my own growth. When I remember some of the really bad times we were together. The worry that he would leave. Then sometimes - the WISHING that he would leave. Or drive his car off a cliff. (I know how bad that sounds but there were days I DID wish it). Because there were times he was horrible. But I was so afraid of him leaving me but not of him dying. I guess because if he left - he would still be around to abuse me.
I wish that you and Gabe could move to a place where you both feel safe. Because living without that security is horrible. It eats at you. And if you are afraid of growth - then that is VERY telling!
I can only tell you about my own experience. And that is this - once I stopped being so afraid of him leaving - I got so much stronger. I didn't let him stop me. Yes - he did leave. And yes it was difficult and painful. But once I got through it - I found a life that I could never have had if he stayed. I am still the one who does most of the work (with the kids) - but that has not changed and they are still very close to me. They did not like the couple that we had become. They worried that we would split too. But once we did - they did not want us to get back together. Because they knew it wasn't healthy. Of course they are affected deeply by the divorce but probably moreso by the mess the marriage had become and all the walking on eggshells that took place in our family.
You saw in the woman on tv - something major in yourself. The willingness to do whatever it takes to keep your man happy. Despite the toll it takes on yourself. Despite it not being what is best for you.
It is 11 years since that award. And 11 years since ex's affair began. And a few months short of ex leaving. I have grown and changed and I love the life that I have. Ex is stuck, has a lousy R with his kids, is still chasing his dreams - which car, trip, woman, lottery will make him happy. He has not changed. He will never be happy. Unless he finally figures out that happiness comes from within.
Don't lose sight of the important message that was sent to you via The Biggest Loser. Funny thing is that when I heard about that new tv show a few years ago - I was going to nominate my ex for it (not knowing it was a weight loss show). Because he IS "the biggest loser"!
Barb
Thank you all so much!
OT - Thank you, thank you, thank you. The more I processed through this in the last 24 hours, the more I came to those same conclusions. My life is only about ME. I am the only one that can save me and make me happy (yes, I knew that already but actually focusing on that as a goal has been a struggle) and regardless of what happens and Gabe's attitude toward it, this has to be my focus.
You pointed out that this is a breakthrough. I'm so happy you see it that way because it upset me so much that I was afraid it really meant I was backpeddaling into my old self and that JUST CAN'T HAPPEN! I won't let it. Whew! I'm taking this eye opening experience as the push to do better for myself.
I'm sitting at my desk reading through what you all wrote and I'm crying (hiding it as much as I can from my coworkers). I read your experiences and it makes me so sad for all of us. We all have had such unhealthy experiences but we continue to grow through them. Thank God! I would hate to see what happens to those who don't.
Hugs and blessings to you all! Time to get back to some fun now! All these deep conversations exhaust me! LOL
awesome posts!!!
what growth and insight we all have been given and what a blessing it is to finally have been given those!!!
imagine
imagine
if that never would have come
if we all would have been stuck
frantically treading water
believing
that our own joys were the root of someone's else's sorrows
A bit late to the party, haven't been on the boards much the last couple weeks. Need to be better about checking in, both for me and all my friends!
Glad you are seeing what OT is talking about, cuz I agree too!
I've decided to blow my budget (not crazy like but just a little) this weekend and treat myself to a pedicure, a haircut, and lunch out. Now, don't go bashing me too bad about it. I have a gift card for the pedicure which will cover most of it. Gabe gave me money for the haircut for my birthday (since that is what I asked for)and since I haven't had it cut for 9 months, it's totally out of control. I have a gift card for lunch too! Come to think of it, I'm probably not going to be putting out more than $20 from my own pocket.
YEA ME! LOL
Happy birthday michelle, have a wonderful day. Post pics in the alt, can wait to see your hair!!
Did I miss your birthday??!! Treat yourself as you certainly do deserve it!
Cheers! Kat
No, you didn't miss it. It's tomorrow.
Happy bday Mish!!!...
that is the first thing im going to do when I finally start getting some money, a trip to the salon for the hair, pedi and maybe even some color. its been a long time since ive done any of that and I feel neglected!!..:)
When i was over on infidelity your were a major source of support for me, ive always taken your advice to heart, so you must know what your doen..lol you deserve to be happy and be loved!! Your awesome!!
Happy Birthday! I stayed up late watching movies and wanted to get the first wishes on the day in. You make sure your boys treat you right. You are a queen for the day, but make sure that you are a kind one. Lol
Big hugs sweetie. kat
Happy Birthday Mish! All the best for today and always
Thanks guys! I actually ran out of day yesterday so didn't get my hair cut yet. My stylist is off today so ill have to work it in later.
WOW! I feel so blessed! So many birthday wishes in the alt and here. Thank you all so much!
Saturday was lovely. Had a deluxe spa pedicure (leg massage, cooling gel, salt scrub and a shoulder massage all included....heaven!), went to lunch, the dollar store (love that place!), Ulta, DSW, and Charming Charlies. Ultimate girl day! Yesterday I went to church and came home and did absolutely nothing the rest of the day! When I say nothing I mean NOTHING. It was blissful! I had a pretty bad headache from an allergy (the wind was howling and blowing all kinds of stuff around) but other than that it was great.
I had a moment of agony yesterday at church. I had to circle the next age group on my attendance card!
LOL
Gabe has been very attentive toward me but also moody. The swings worry me a little as this was the pattern before. I'm going to have to casually work it into conversation and gauge his response. It could just be because he's been working a lot and is tired. We'll see.
I took 4 days off from the gym and I know I'm going to pay for it today. Back to work tonight! I need to push my cardio up and I can't decide if I should increase intensity and shorten time by 5 minutes or increase time but maintain intensity. Suggestions?
Mish,
Belated birthday wishes to you! Sounds like you had a great weekend and birthday. It is good to pamper yourself every once in a while.
Regarding Gabe. Have you affirmed the extra attention he is giving you? Make sure he knows you verbally appreciate it. As to his moodiness, why not be just direct with him and say "Hey you seem a little tense and stressed lately - is everything ok, or is there anything I can do to help?"
On the exercise front, instead of decreasing, or increasing the exercise time, maybe try to work in some interval training. Do 5 minutes at a pace and incline which is above what you are used to and then do 5 minutes of recovery at a much slower pace. It will help you build up endurance.
BA
Thanks BA! It was a great weekend for sure.
Yes, I tell him how much I enjoy him and make sure to give back the attention. We're more connected in that way than we ever have been. Using the direct approach with him is usually a recipe for a shutdown. He feels confronted even if I'm sure to phrase it so he knows I only want to lend him an ear. He's told me this several times in the past and I respect that. It's a FOO issue with him. Working it in to a conversation seems to be more comfortable to him so I'm going to stick with that.
I do interval on the bike but can't seem to do it on the treadmill because of a bad tendon in my right ankle. Maybe I'll try to do interval on the elliptical though. I hadn't tried that yet. Thanks!
Whew! The elliptical kicked my sorry rear end last night! I'm so sore....ugh! It's a good sore though. Hopefully I can stretch it out enough to do some more tonight. If not, it will be tomorrow.
Thanks for the ideas!
Good job on the workouts! Intervals definitely kick my butt too!
Glad you had such a fun birthday! Sounds like you are doing great. So awesome about the gift cards!
(((Michelle)))
Well, I tried the bridesmaid's dress on. Is horrified too strong a word? UGH! I just keep telling myself it's only one day that I have to be embarassed.
Lots of goings on in my head these days but I just keep pushing it aside and trying to focus on my short term goals. It doesn't help my sleeping at all though. Since I push it all away it comes back in my dreams and wakes me up. I end up wide awake for several hours in the middle of the night and that is definitely not doing me any good! I'm thinking I need to break out my journal again and just write it all down. Maybe it will get it out of my head enough that I can sleep.
We'll see.
It is just one day at least.
Why do bridesmaid's dresses always seem to be horrible? It's like there's a rule somewhere lol.
Break out that journal! Lying awake is not a good option.
I've been having an ongoing battle in my head and heart between staying home and saving money or going to a family wedding in Florida this coming weekend. My cousin's daughter is getting married and a large portion of my family is going to be there from the west coast. I want to see them so badly but I need to save money for my trip to CA for my BFF's wedding in August. I think seeing my family has won out over the money issue but I'm going to have to scramble big time to replace what I spend before August. What decided it for me was that my one remaining aunt out of my mom's 4 sisters and 1 brother is the grandmother of the bride and will be there. She's 76 and in ok health for her age but you never know. I'd like to see her before I lose the opportunity.
So, Friday I'll be driving to Destin, FL. It's about 5 hours and I'll be alone so pray I make it without drifting off the road! LOL. It will be fine, I've done it before. There will loud music for sure!
I'm nervous about seeing my family. I look miserable and feel the same way so it's going to take maximum effort to put on a show for them. Hopefully the occasion will make it easier.
Hey MIsh,
Good for you. That was the right decision. I doubt you will EVER regret it but I'll bet you would have if you didn't go.
I miss Florida right now. I'll be back in about 6 weeks. Travel can do wonders for you - even if it's a short time. Change of venue. A distraction.
Go through your closet and try on possible dresses. Choose one that flatters you the most and makes you feel comfortable. Splurge for a new lipstick - use foundation and a blush if you look tired. Fix your hair special. If you go the extra mile (at little or no cost) - you will be amazed how much better you will feel about yourself.
Now - leave your worries on your doorstep. You can make a promise to yourself that you're going there to enjoy the wedding, wish the bride and groom well and just have a good time with your relatives. I will bet they'd be happier not talking about your troubles either. And if they ask - just tell them you're "moving forward" and "optimistic" that things are going to get better.
Trust me on this, Mish - it is the way to go.
August is still a way's off. You might be able to make further cuts on a few things and make that work too. But for now - concentrate on having a good time. 5 hours is not that far.
Hugs!
Barb
Oh, I don't EVER talk about my troubles. Even if they specifically ask I don't talk about it. It's not something I share except here. As far as anyone in my RL knows, I'm just hunky dory and all is right in the world.
I just look and feel miserable because I haven't been able to accomplish anything with all my exercise and dieting. I lose 1 pound, gain 2, lose 2 gain 1, back and forth back and forth. I don't get anywhere and it's so frustrating. I have a new plan I want to implement from 'The Biggest Loser' but I'm still trying to figure out the grocery budget for that. Food costs are outrageous! UGH! Personally, I think it's a conspiracy to make sure the lower income people in the country stay fat because the only affordable foods that can be made in bulk to feed a family are pasta and rice based. We're all going to die from poverty induced obesity!
Ok, so that may sound a little out there but think about it...really....
Mish,
I hear you - really I do. I gained back the 40 I lost when Ex left and 10 more! I hate it! But I've learned that you have to do your best to dress your current figure then just do the best you can.
I joined Weight Watchers Online 3 weeks ago. I'm down 5. That's not a lot but its a start and I record everything I eat. It has been harder when Ryan has been sick but I'm still trying.
Fruit and veggies are unlimited on this diet. I have to really watch my intake of bread and butter. Yep - those are 2 of my fav things. I find it easier not to eat cookies, cakes, pie etc but it's the bread and butter I miss.
I only weigh myself once a week. I'm trying to get out to the gym etc. I've just decided to do a big gardening project this summer as well that will involve a lot of digging and moving of sand (I'm building a beach). I think that might be better than the gym. Getting the beach is a big motivator for me.
Anyway - have you ever tried Spark People? Its a free online group that helps you stay on track. You can Google it.
But for this weekend - try the suggestions I made earlier and just have fun!
Barb
Feeling so sad this morning. Life is really too short.
A friend of mine from high school died suddenly yesterday morning from a blood clot. She left two teenage boys behind. My heart is just breaking for them. She was such a ray of sunshine. She was 42 and in fabulous health.
I am so sorry to hear that Mish...
hugs,
Barb
Sad day, Mish. You and the family have my prayers.
So sorry to hear of your loss. Just another reminder to tell those you love what they mean to you.
big hugs, kat
The sadness is lifting and all the happy memories of Shelagh and her spirit are flooding in to replace it. Thank heavens for the mind's keen ability to heal us from our deep hurts.
Lots to do tonight after work. It's going to be a long night. Don't know if I'm up to the challenge, but giving it my best effort.
I'm actually looking forward to the drive tomorrow. It should be peaceful and I can listen to my music as loud as I would like! LOL
Gabe shows his love in AOS. It's not my language but it's what he does so I have learned to show as much appreciation as it takes so he knows that I understand it's his way of showing me love. He had assumed I was going to rent a car to drive down there since I was driving on two extremely bald tires and the other two don't have great tread. I couldn't afford to rent a car and was just going to take my chances. There isn't supposed to be any rain so I wasn't concerned about the slicks. Well....he completely freaked out! Next thing I know, he has found a used tire place that had 4 of my size tires and had all 4 replaced at less than 2 new ones would have cost me and they come with a guarantee. And he said...."Happy Mother's Day". I had also mentioned that I needed to wash my car after work today because it was filthy. Well....he cleaned out the inside Tuesday and then after he got the tires on it yesterday he took it and washed the outside and he and Marc detailed the inside!!!
DANG! That was pretty awesome!
It doesn't take a whole bunch of stuff to wow me does it? LOL
I am sorry for your loss Mish.
I need to talk to you for something. There is an idea I have that maybe we could make it work. Send me an email. Please
K
All is well with me. Sorry I've been MIA. Hope everyone is OK.
Will do K! Good to 'see' you girl!
This weekend was nice. Spent a couple hours sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand. It was super windy but worth it. I needed that badly. The drive was long but I made it without damage.
It poured rain on my way home for about a 12 mile stretch through the backroads of Alabama. I couldn't see a blasted thing. Terrifying. The rest of the drive was nice though.
I felt a little strange all weekend. I drove down by myself, stayed in the hotel by myself, drove to the wedding by myself. That is so unusual when I get together with my family for a family event. We usually pile all together and do everything together. There were several times I just felt like a total outsider looking in on my family. They are a unique bunch, that's for sure. I can't put my finger on it really, it just was an odd feeling. On the other hand, it was really nice not to have to share my hotel room and deal with battling over the shower or anything. I only turned the tv on once and that was to double check the weather for about 10 minutes. Blissfully quiet.
I'm exhausted from the drive and lack of sleep though. UGH. I've had 4 cups of coffee and still can barely function.
You need a No Doze. It is nice to be a lone once and a while. It is something I crave but so rarely get. I hope it recharged your batteries for a while even though you are tired right now.
kat
Sounds like a nice trip! Glad you had some peace and quiet and time with your toes in the water! And so sweet about Gabe finding those tires for you and washing your car.
(((mishka)))
Do you sometimes wake up and feel like the entire world is just spinning out of control and you are sitting on the sidelines watching it happen?
There is no real explanation, it's just this overwhelming feeling I've had over the last few weeks. It's strange. I feel off-kilter and kind of like I'm wandering from one thing to the next without really paying attention to what I'm doing.
I don't like this one bit!!!
There was about an hour yesterday where I was alone at home and had this horrible feeling that everything was going to crash around me. I immediately grabbed my journal and started writing as fast as I could just to get it out of my head. When I was done writing I flung the journal onto my bed and went for a walk. I forgot all about it but later realized I'd left it laying out on the bed. Not open, just not in the drawer where I keep it. I don't think Gabe read it because he hasn't been acting any differently (and trust me, he would if he read it!).
Ugh....just UGH!
I can definitely relate to that! Except for me it's been more like months at this point!
Hi mish,
sent you a pm on the other site, check it out!
Think about it
Hey Mish..
I was sorry to hear about your friend and that youve been having such a hard time. I guess everyone on this board can relate to that at one point or another. Ive been hold up pondering but just wanted to drop a note and let you know I was thinken of ya...
I'm sorry Mishka! And yes I have had those feelings of things spinning too, it is not fun. I think you handled it very well by journaling and going for the walk.
I hope today is a little better for you!!
Maria! I'm not seeing the PM either on FB or MA. Where oh where did it go?
You can PM her over there or at least you should be able to.
kat
This weekend I send my 'baby' off to his CAP encampment. He'll be there all week shooting guns, flying in helicopters, and getting a lot of information drilled into him. When he returns he will take his test to promote to 2nd Lt in the CAP. One more step in his road to the military (hopefully). *sigh*
He's been driving me nuts the last couple weeks with all the paperwork and supplies he has to take. Thankfully, Gabe is a military packing pro! He managed to get all of the equipment into one alice pack and a garment bag. AMAZING!
On a side note, I used like the U.S. Army recruiting ads, they went something like this "We do more before 7 in the morning than you do all day!" And that's supposed to attract people lol?
...and with ads like the above your whole country will one day be defended entirely by Nannies from the Philippines!
Hope he has a ton of fun!
Yay for Gabe!
Enjoy the break too!
I always liked those ads WII. The ones that irritated me were the reserve ads about how you work all weekend and come back to your civilian life Monday all energized. Those always made me want to throw something at the tv and yell F you! LOL
LOL! Yeah, those 'energized' ads were STUPID! Who the heck believes that?
Of course, I don't think anything could top that annoying 'army of one' stuff. That just didn't make any sense to me! I understand the concept but I think it was lost on a lot of people.
Now I just have to get Gabe to stop teasing that the Air Force dress uniforms look like Greyhound bus driver uniforms.
That annoys the crap out of Marc. LOL
Yeah, Army of One was dumb.
My fav was always the classic "be all that you can be". How can you beat that?
Of course, that's better than the Navy and looking like a waiter.
LOL! Oh too true! My co-worker's son just graduated navy boot camp. They look so ridiculous in those white sailor suits. CRACKS ME UP.
Hope he has a ton of fun!
I always liked those ads WII. The ones that irritated me were the reserve ads about how you work all weekend and come back to your civilian life Monday all energized. Those always made me want to throw something at the tv and yell F you! LOL
I always came home with a hangover!
I was in the Navy. Our ad for awhile was "it's not just a job, it's an adventure." Which of course we had to twist around by going around saying its not an adventure, its just a job!
Does anyone else ever feel like the moment you think you have things in order and you just might be getting somewhere, that's when 'fate' rises up and bashes you over the head while laughing maniachly (sp)?
So, everything was set to drive Marc to Albany on Sunday morning to start his 1 week CAP encampment which is required for him to promote any further. Saturday he went to the movies with friends and called me afterward to ask if he could stay and go swimming with them. My stupidity, I said yes. I get a call an hour later saying he's ready to come home but someone is going to have to help him to the car. He's hurt his knee. Oh yeah, great! He couldn't walk at all on it. We iced, ibuprofened, elevated....by Sunday morning at the time we would have had to get up to leave, the swelling was down but he still couldn't walk. So, instead of going to Albany, we went to the ER.
Fractured tibia. 6 weeks minimum immobile. ARGH!
If I could just run away, I would.
I'm so sad for him and so mad at myself for not listening to my inner voice that said not to let him go. Stupid.
Ouch!
Make sure he keeps it elevated, takes some vitamin D and magnesium to help it heal.
It wasn't your fault so quit beating yourself up. Stuff happens, kids are kids...that kind of thing. Chalk it up to a lesson i.e. to be extra careful before a big event is coming up.
hugs, kat
He's a kid, kids do stuff like that. You can't protect him from himself all the time, it's not your job anyways. He's gotta learn his own lessons sometimes. (((mishka)))
Took Marc to the orthopedic specialist this morning. The facture is tiny and in the ball of the bone where the ligaments connect but she said she is 99.9% sure there is no ligament damage. Whew! That was a huge concern!
They pulled a massive syringe of blood off his knee and he can now straighten it and bend it. He still is not allowed to put any pressure on it for at least the next 2 weeks and she'll do new x-rays then and make a new plan.
Thanks for talking sense to me guys. You know how we parents are though, always taking responsibility for our kids even when there is nothing we could do about it.
YAY!!!!!! That's definitely good news!
Yeah, it's hard not to second guess yourself, but it accomplishes nothing. Hang in there!
You know that scene in 'Wayne's World' where they do those hand motions and sound effects to reflect they are going back in time.....oh, I wish that actually worked! I need a do over this week! Just too many weird happenings and they are exhausting! LOL
Feeling a little punchy this morning. I had ZERO sleep last night and LOTS of nightmares that are sticking with me. Then my coffee pot broke and my stove wouldn't turn on. It was a lovely morning.....NOT!
Don't we all sometimes!
The good news is, it's in the past!
It'll get better. Hang in there.
Oh, today has just gotten stranger and more annoying! ARGH!
(((mishka)))
Tomorrow is Friday!
Take each thing on it's own. Take care of things one at time. Take a deep breath. You are going to be just fine.
kat
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all...LOL
Maybe it's the full moon week. Or the transit of Venus and the sun. But many people I know (and me included) are having really stressful weeks.
But Kat has the right idea. Just take care of one thing at a time.
And keep your spirit.
Easier said than done, I know.
Take care. Hugs,
Barb
Does seem to be going around!
But it's Friday now!
(((Mishka)))
Rough day yesterday.
Went to church in the morning and was pleasantly surprised that my cousin who lives in FL was there. She had come up for the family baby shower yesterday for our other cousin's DIL. I was excited to see her. That's where the good started to go downhill.
We went to breakfast together after church, that was nice but a little harried.
After that we were attending a memorial service for a wonderful lady who died 2 weeks ago from a brain tumor. She was amazing and will be so missed. Cried for a solid hour and a half.
Then, just to do the opposite....baby shower. Too big a mood swing in a a short span of time.
After all of that we got together to play cards and that was when I got the hammer over the head.
It's going to sound stupid, but it hurt me and I don't see getting past it any time soon. We had decided on partners for the game and we always try to come up with silly team names. They had chosen theirs and my partner and I weren't feeling especially creative so told them to make one up for us. My cousin looked at my partner and said, "sunshine" and then said, "ok, I've got it! Sunshine and rain!". When I asked why she decided on that she said it was because I'm a "little black raincloud".
That hurt.
I work very hard NOT to be anything but happy in front of everyone. The only time I have ever shown her anything but that was in the worst of the worst time I had and she had asked me to please tell her what was going on and how she could help. I guess I'm projecting something when I don't think I am. Later, she said something about someone saying things to hurt her and looked at our other cousin and said, "you know who I mean." It felt like a sideways way of saying I was the person she meant. Yes, it may seem like mindreading but in the context it was said and after what she had already said it really felt like she meant me. I honestly can't think of anything I said that was hurtful but that doesn't mean I might not be oblivious.
My heart hurts. The tears are sitting behind my eyes and threatening to spill.
She is here until tomorrow morning and usually I would go and hang out with her tonight but now I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm not welcome. These are the only close family I have left but I'm feeling more and more pushed out. Heck, I invited myself over to play cards with them. I had asked them to call me if they decided to play but they never did so I took it upon myself to go and see what they were up to. They were playing and hadn't called. I should have taken the hint then and left. That's the last time I show up without a specific invitation. It will probably mean that I won't see my family except on holidays but that's just how it's going to have to be.
The more I think about it, it's me that's the problem. My best friend won't call, won't pick up when I call her, won't even answer a text asking how her daughter did in her American Idol audition. None of my friends calls back. I don't ask for anything from them! I just want to hear what is going on with them, hear about their triumphs and tribulations. I never load them down with anything bad, there isn't anything good to share with them so when they ask I tell them that all is fine and we're just plugging along. Nothing that should be sending them for the hills running from me.
Yep, it's me. I'm done. This is horribly painful.
Maybe you should have a talk with your cousin. If you unknowingly said something that hurt her, it will help to clear the air. Don't let it slip away that it hurt your feelings what she said and implied.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. Big hugs my dear.
kat
Mishka: I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting. And I really get it. It has happened to me several times too and it hurts. I have found that divorce and the resulting emotion does separate people from us. I have the same thing with friends I've had for the longest time - now it is hard to get them to call back and sometimes they don't for months. One of my very best friends for 11 years just stopped talking to me. I've emailed, phoned - no there is no reason. I wanted to tell her about the condo as she'd been to Florida with me a few times and I wanted to invite her - it was nothing down.
I lost friends when Ryan got sick too.
So - I don't really think it's you - I think it's her. And that was a really nasty thing to say.
And if you're really like me - sensitive and non-confrontational - that's a really hard thing to do.
But it might help.
Hugs to you. I would return your call and I would listen.
Barb
((((Mishka)))))
I'm so sorry, you have every right to feel hurt by what she said. I hate it when people have a problem and don't tell you waht you've done.
You could maybe ring up and just ask if everything is ok.
Miss you my friend!
Hey Julia! Miss you sweetie! Give us an update on what's happening since you've been home. So sorry to see that your house was broken into. That's rubbish!
My heart is still aching over losing my family. I'm just not cut out to be in the mix apparently. I walk on enough eggshells in my daily life, I certainly don't need to put myself in situations where I have to do it more. This means no more trips to Florida, no more card nights, no more fun pool days, no more of anything. It's going to be so quiet and dull.
No, I'm not being maudlin, I'm not being self-pitying, but I have to face facts and this is what it's going to be. It's going to take a lot of getting used to. I've never been without any family to turn to. How do those people who get 'shunned' do this?
You haven't lost your family, it sounds as if this one cousin has no tact. Talk to them. You can't let fear win. Bite the bullet and pick up the phone.
You have come so far, are you going to let this stop you? Oh and how is Marc? Did you get your money back for the camp he missed out on?
Tell Eyeore that while you do like him you want his rain cloud to move on. Today is going to be a perfect day.
kat
Oh G! You'd run circles around me! I'm just not cool enough to hang with the cool girls. LOL.
I'm still trying to process through what happened and put it behind me. I'm getting there. It just [censored] to know I'm not as good at hiding my true feelings as I thought I was.
Marc's leg is healing well according to the ortho this morning. 4 more weeks in the immobilizer but he can now start to peg-leg it around some.
Things are going ok. I ran into a friend at the store the other day and she asked me how things were going with Gabe. I told her it was really good and he seems more and more like the man I married every day. She smiled a HUGE grin, her eyes lit up and then she asked the bombshell question, "Do you think you'll re-marry?" ARGH! That is a question I was not prepared for. I stood there for a minute looking at her and gave her my best, "Who knows." with a smile. This is only the second time someone asked that and the first time was almost 2 years ago. That was way too soon and things were FAR too shaky. There was nothing established between us then. This time it really got me thinking after we parted ways.
What do I want in the long run? Is there any point in marriage? What does that really do other than change your tax status and cause all kinds of legal mess when it ends again?
That sounds terribly pessimistic, I know, but it is reality. We have all seen what damage can be done with a single piece of paper. To me, those vows were sacred and no matter what our legal status is, I will forever think of Gabe as my husband. He doesn't know that but I find it incredibly awkward to think of him as anything else. I asked him not long ago, out of my morbid curiosity, what he calls me when he mentions me to someone. He just looked confused and said, "I don't.". That hurt.
So, I guess I'm just trying to hash out my thoughts here in the hopes of some clarity of what I really want. Actually asking for what I want is a whole other subject!
I have an uncle who went through a mid-life crisis, divorced his wife to marry a wacky younger lady. It lasted a couple of years. She cleaned him out then left.
He just kind of floated aimlessly for a few years and then just showed up at his old house. That was 20 some years ago. They've been together ever since, but they never remarried.
Interesting line, you find it incredibly "awkward" to think of him as anything but your husband.
As long as your together he basically still is. It's tough to get your mine to let that go when the other person is with someone else.
I'm facing a major fear tomorrow....I'm going to a casting call for The Biggest Loser. It's about an hour from here. One of my friends originally was going to go with me but she was called out of town at the last minute so I'm on my own. SCARY! I don't like going places outside of my bubble on my own so this is going to take some courage on my part.
I had to have pictures to take with me to put with my application. I HATE having my picture taken in any situation so that was torture. Gabe took them for me this morning in our living room. I hope they are ok.
Please, if you are a praying person, please pray for me. This would be such a literal life saver if I could get on that show. Honestly, the motivation for being on the show as nothing to do with the prize for first place. It has everything to do with wanting to live. I know what is going to happen to me otherwise.
So nervous!
Wow. I wish you the best of luck. That would be awesome.
Be strong,, honest, and most of all yourself.
Good for you!! You can do it! I am so proud of you for stepping outside of your comfort zone. You will be so glad you did!
Love ya, kat
Way to go, Mish! Good luck in becoming a Loser.
Wow Mish That would be sooo exciting Sending prayers your way..
Cindy Lou
How did it go? Thinking of you.
kat
It was a good experience. I met several nice people in line and we had fun chatting. It was hot hot hot yesterday and the line is outside so i'm now sunburned in a couple of spots where I kept sweating off my sunscreen. I'd reapply and off it would go. UGH. Couple of blisters on my feet too!
There were so many people there that they didn't get to see everyone in the 8 hours they had. I got there at 8:30a and they opened the doors to start the processing at 10a. I finally made it out of the sun at 1p and had my group interview at 4p. They sit you at a table with 9 other people and the casting director is in the middle. They ask you one question, same question to everyone, and you have about 30 seconds to make an impression on them with your answer. The question was awful....What is your greatest accomplishment? UGH!
They had nearly finished the call backs as of 2am this morning. They posted that they had a few more to do and would advise when they were completed so we could all stop sitting on pins and needles. They only take 30 from each of the casting calls. Considering there were 1000 there, my odds frankly stink. I knew that going in though so no big deal.
I am just so proud of you! Last night I thought I would at least be in the area when s16 got off work. I had to runto the store but when I was done he wasn't finished yet. So I went over to Barnes snd Noble and looked around. They had a collection of inspirational magnets. There was one by Eleanor Roosevelt saying to do one thing you are afraid of every day. I thought of you.
Wether you get on the show or not, you faced a big fear. That is a big step for you. The more often you do that, the more confident you will become. Good luck hon.
Kat
Hi Mish. Sorry to hear you've been having a lot of drama while I was gone.
Good for you on auditioning for the show!
UGH! It's hot and getting hotter here.
94 today but going to be 104 tomorrow, 106 Saturday, 104 Sunday. Supposedly the humidity is going up too....heat index should be somewhere near 110. ICK! I'm seeing a weekend indoors. I hate the heat.
I hear that! Minus the humidity thank goodness! It was like 95 yesterday, but only 25% humidity. Guess it's summer! I don't mind the heat here. I figure at least it's not 120 and I'm not wearing body armor!
You wouldn't like my part of the country right now. we should be right on the edge or over 100 for the next week or so. We had a couple of cooler days in the high 90's last week but no such luck anytime soon. I am no fan of this heat. Even the breeze is hot.
I must repeat, If it weren't for my birthday, I would just rather forget all about summer as a season. Yikes!!
kat
Up here in the Great White North, we've got the same hot humid weather! Let's all join virtual hands and sing Kumbaya...it's something to do anyway!
Thought I would drop in and say hey!
Lots of stuff going on in the land of mishka. Just the normal busyness along with some anxiety.
I've been concentrating very hard on my diet and exercise plan. It's only been a week of it so far but it's paying off. 3 pounds down so far and that is enough to motivate me to keep going. Summer is much easier for me to eat healthy since it's so blasted hot. All I want is fruit and salad. I actually have to force the protein sometimes because I just don't want it. I've found some good ways to incorporate some cold protein though...LOL. I made a fabulous Penne Rosa with shrimp for dinner last night. I replaced the usual heavy cream in the sauce with nonfat plain greek yogurt and it worked perfectly. I've been replacing cream and mayo with that in almost everything for a while now and it is so awesome. Who knew?
I know...everyone knew that except me.....
The anxiety is coming from Gabe's upcoming trip to CA to visit his mom coupled with my going away just 2 weeks later for 10 days. It makes me very nervous to have him on his own for that much time. I nearly broke down last night and said something about it but decided against it. I've seen his reaction to my fears and it's not pretty. He gets riled up and angry and usually stomps out. I'm not laying that on him. If he decides to have another A while he's gone or look for something he's missing here then that's his problem. I'll just have to deal with it when it comes. I guess what I don't know won't hurt me. I hope he wouldn't do that but it's his pattern.
Sigh
Good work with the lifestyle change, Mish (I don't call it a diet cuz diets don't work!). I hope you're doing your Zumba again, you really loved that. It's amazing what some exercise and conscious food choices can accomplish
I've lost 8 lbs in the past couple of months by changing my eating habits and walking more frequently. Stick with it...but don't weigh yourself incessently, once a week is good enough.
Hey Mishka,
Great job on the diet. That is brilliant, I am trying to do the same. Basically I got really depressed about being at home and just sat and ate for the past month. Today was the first day I forced myself to walk up to the swimming pool, even though it is 45 mins each way and went for a swim. Now I feel inspired. If you need an buddy I'm up for that, if I tell someone I am going to do it then I feel bad if I don't. So, this week I am going to go swimming 3 times for at least 45 mins each time. Now I will have to come and confess if I don't do it
About Gabe, you know you can't control his decisions and I know it is hard to trust him after all that has happened. Looking at your signature you have been back together 2 years! Wow! That is longer than a lot of relationships. Try and trust that he has been faithful for the past two years and is showing no signs of even wanting an affair. Plus, you could use the opportunity to spice things up and get him really excited about seeing you. You could send some hot texts and stuff. Joe and I usually build up the anticipation before we see each other so that when we do it is extra good and exciting and it also keeps the focus on each other when we don't see each other which is most of the time.
(((Mishka)))
OH CRUD!
This world is crazy!
The girl at work who is our bookeeper came to me today, sat right next to me and whispered that she is telling me something in stricted confidence. UGH....her husband (who used to work here and is also a friend) is leaving her and their 3 kids (ages 10,8,6). She is understandably devastated and knew I would understand.
This completely stunned me. Her husband is such a family man and was totally devoted to his kids and wife but now....he's pulling all the typical WAH stuff on her. He told her she could have full custody of the kids, keep the house and he'll make the payment on it, but other than that...he's done.
I gave her some DB principles, told her about the books and emailed her the info along with Sandi's steps. I told her to call me anytime she needs to talk but other than that...I'm lost.
I was a terrible DB'er, I didn't have the strength to put it all into practice. I hope to God that she is able to use some of the info but hearing all of this brought up so many terrible memories.
You give wonderful advice Mish. It is hard when you are in it to see clearly. You have always given others support as well. I also believe the best help you can give yourself is to help others.
I am so sorry about your friend. kat
First, great job on concentrating on your lifestyle!
Second, neither of you are the same people you were a few years ago, and things won't necessarily happen the same way. That being said, because of what's happened, it's totally reasonable for his going away to trigger anxiety in you. And while I obviously wouldn't recommend you say anything to him about being worried about what he'd do while he's gone, I think it would be more than fair to say that you could ask for some reassurance from him because this will be hard for you.
Finally, so sorry to hear about your friend! You give great advice sweetie, and you do okay with the DBing too. It's hard for you to see that from the inside, but trust us, you do great.
(((Mishka)))
Ok folks....I'm pretty excited about this but not getting my hopes up too much....I'm down 5 pounds this week and I didn't even have time to hit the gym. CRAZY! Of course, that weigh in was done the morning after I had to take a diuretic because I was majorly bloating (being a woman is such fun...NOT!) the night before. I'll get a more clear weigh in next week so it may not be 5 but that couldn't all be water, right? Fingers crossed.
On the other side, my anxiety level is at DEFCON 3 at the moment. I'm not going to full scale level 5 but it's inching closer to a 4 all the time. Gabe leaves for Cali tomorrow evening. He said the strangest thing to me last night and at first it made me nervous. He said, "Now, don't you be calling me all the time in CA and telling me you can't sleep." (When we were married I used to tell him I couldn't sleep when he was gone.) After he said that and I had a momentary panic about why he was saying that, he laughed and said, "I know I won't sleep at all when you're gone so I plan to call you and whine about it daily!"
I don't even know why I felt I needed to say it but I told him I learned to sleep alone and I have a strategy. Oops. Didn't mean to remind him of that but it's the truth and I have a bad habit of the truth just spilling out of my mouth before I think about the consequences of what I am saying.
I don't think he took it badly. I just felt bad that I had said anything.
So, I'm using breathing techniques and a rubber band on my wrist to keep my emotions under control. When my axiety starts to flare I do my breathing exercises and then snap myself back into submission!
Drat - you missed your chance to say "Sleeping alone? Who says I'll be sleeping alone?"
Too true kml, but I'm just not that quick witted. Darn it!
I've been doing ok since he left Friday night. I stayed up far too late watching movies but that's just because I could, not because I couldn't sleep. Yea!
My momentary panic attacks are farther between now so that's a plus. There is such a distrust in my nature now and it really makes me mad! I used to be FAR too trusting of most people, now I'm so cynical that I trust NO ONE even those who have never given me any reason to distrust them. It really galls me.
Gabe has been enjoying his visit with his mom and best friend. He did go out with his friend and got hammered for his birthday which is a rarity. He is a super lightweight. He was so blotto he actually got up at a karaoke night and sang Sweet Home Alabama and remembers doing it! OMG! I would have paid to see that! His friend was so shocked that he did it that he forgot to pull out his phone to record it. He told me it was hilarious though.
My thoughts are drifting more and more to what do I really want for my future and it's frustrating me that I can't seem to focus on it. I think of what I think I want and then I talk myself out of it. So frustrating!
Hi MIsh,
Yes - I think that is the problem that many of us have had at some point. Figuring out what we see for ourselves in our future. Getting clear with ourselves. Following our heart or our head (or a combination of both). Deciding if we are doing things for ourselves, the person we love or our kids. Yours is a more confusing situation that most.
I wanted to be with my husband at all costs. My heart told me that. My head knew I had an opportunity to escape but I had to give my heart a chance first. It took me a LONG time but I finally realized that he would NEVER change. Never be the man I needed him to be. I would never be first in his life. And for me - that was not good enough. I decided I was better off alone than to be with that man.
And it was only when I finally let go of the dream of "how it could be" that I was able to realize that I could still have a good life without him. I never ever dreamed that it would be with a someone new who allowed ME to be ME. Who loved me for who I was. Who enhanced my life - didn't "complete" me.
Tough questions we need to ask ourselves. But, like everything - we know when we know - what is best for us.
Sometimes time apart gives us good thinking opportunities. Enjoy your late night movie marathons - sounds like fun!
Barb
Doing ok. Still in contemplation about what I want to approach next but it's not like I'm in any rush to do anything about it so I'll just keep overthinking as usual!
I leave two weeks from today for 10 days. That should be interesting. I've been looking forward to this for so long but as it gets closer I'm getting more and more worried about being away that long. UGH. Anxious mind again. Once this is all over maybe I can get into some sort of rythym and figure all my mess out.
The nice thing about contemplation, is there's no deadline. LOL
Can't believe your trip is coming up so quick!
And hysterical about Gabe doing karaoke!
Oh it's a proud moment here in GA.
I was listening to the the morning radio show on my fave station and they were talking to the founder of that cheating website...you know, the one with the initials A.M......UGH. Anyway, he was breaking down statistics based on areas in the metro Atlanta area and gave the top 10 cities with registered users on the site. My city is #9. UGH! Disgusting!
Ok, rant over.....1 week and 2 days and I'm outta here on vacay!!!!!
That's horrible.
But yay for vacay!!!!!!!!!!!!
VACATION!!!!! Tomorrow morning!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!
Can you tell I'm excited. I'm just looking forward to not working for nearly 2 weeks. That is a dream!
Have a wonderful vacation - enjoy every minute!
Barb
Me too! My vacation started with sitting in an empty house for four hours waiting for the gas and water guy to come and take the final readings. Today it gets better, I'm cleaning my fridge and microwave. Just about to start steam mopping the kitchen floor. Wanna race me?
Enjoy your time off Mish!
You really know how to live it up Wii!
Have a wonderful time! I am taking a week off next week so I can be with the kids before schools starts( on the 16th). Trying to plan a couple of small activities around the boys working. Then my baby turns 12 next Thursday. I am exhausted just thinking about it!
Where are you heading off to?
kat
Going to CA for my bff's wedding.
How was your trip? Hope you had a blast!
kat
It was wonderful and exhausting all at the same time.
I think I drank more in the last 10 days than I have in total over the last 2 years. It was worth it though! We really had a blast.
My Bff was a beautiful bride and her H is a super guy who loves her for exactly who she is, warts and all (as she put it). We had a beautiful time together and I cried when she left on her honeymoon (not in front of her mind you). We just don't get to see each other very often and now I'm afraid we won't see each other at all. She's finishing the nursing program and then will be working full time with two teenagers at home and a H to take car of. Needless to say, she isn't going to have any time to be 'playing' with me. Sigh......
It's becoming clear to me that it's time to do the hard work and speak up to Gabe. I really don't want to but I'm tired of hanging on the end of this ever fraying rope.
Mish: I think that's exactly what you need to do - but only you can say when enough is enough. Vacations can give us the space we need to make the changes when we step outside the box.
Good luck with what you need to do for yourself. We will be here for you no matter what.
Barb
Chickened out last night. We were having such a lovely evening I didn't want to ruin it.
Maybe this weekend some time......I seriously need some courage!
So are you going to propose or brak up? Just kidding a little. This is your life which is something very important. Time to get it on track.
Love ya, kat
That was supposed to be "break".
It's not even either of those. All I really want is to know that he considers our R as an exclusive one and a promise to talk with me if he is feeling dissatisfied. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, he shows me in actions that he is in for a long haul but he nearly always did that. There were no real warnings when he jumped ship before. I don't trust what I see with my own eyes. Of course, I don't really trust words either. I'm just hoping that by putting it out there that I need some reassurance that he may be more forthcoming with his feelings in the future.
Frankly, I'm terrified of his reaction to me even asking this of him. My mouth goes dry and I start to shake while trying to come up with this conversation in my head. I can see his probable reaction and it's not good at all. He doesn't like to be questioned about his intentions, his plans, or his feelings. I'm supposed to just accept that he's here for now...period. That's what he's told me before. I just don't think I can keep living like that. It feels like the other shoe is going to drop at any time and I'll have no warning again. I won't survive that again.
Your not going to like what I say but if you are so afraid to talk to him any thing deep, or about feelings your and his, can you really call what you have a relationship.
He's not alone in this, your there too, so why does he rule you with fear of losing him?
As long as he is there you should be happy? He doesn't want you to question anything just accept him that's he in for the long haul.
I'm glad that you want to sit down and talk to him, to get some clarity about your life.
I know, it makes no sense to me either, it's just the way it always has been. My feelins don't matter to him if they don't exactly mesh with his. All that is important to him is that there is zero confrontation. He considers me talking about how I feel, even though I'm sure to tell him that my feelings are no reflection on him but are merely my own, as me finding fault with him.
Not good.
My fears are mine alone. I have had horrible experiences in talking to him in the past and that has caused me to clam up entirely. We talk about all sorts of other things, just not feelings.
Write it down and give it to him then. Don't give up. You deserve this and more.
kat
Last night when I read this - I wanted to tell you to write it down. SO I totally agree with Kat. But this is LONG overdue.
This is how I lived for many many years - afraid to talk to ex. Afraid of the fighting. Afraid of the silent treatment. Afraid he might leave. Afraid of his temper.
I would NEVER live like then. And only when you're away from it do you realize how totally wrong it is for you. And for your son.
When you have lived without that for a while - you can never go back.
Ideally - you would have a mediator, a counsellor to talk with both of you. So you could both say what you need to say. Would he ever consider that?
If not - write it down. Let him know what you want. I don't like ultimatums but maybe you need to set goals in your own mind about how much you will accept and how soon you want these changes.
I think he needs to man up or move out. And when he does (or if by some miracle he agrees and does the work to man up) - you will be a new girl. And wonder why it took you so long.
Thinking of you. Wanting to hear that you've done it. Don't lose sight of your goal.
Barb
All I really want is to know that he considers our R as an exclusive one and a promise to talk with me if he is feeling dissatisfied. Is that too much to ask?
Nope
Yes, he shows me in actions that he is in for a long haul but he nearly always did that. There were no real warnings when he jumped ship before. I don't trust what I see with my own eyes. Of course, I don't really trust words either. I'm just hoping that by putting it out there that I need some reassurance that he may be more forthcoming with his feelings in the future.
I don't quite believe this. Just because he's not a talker doesn't mean there weren't signs that he was just going through the motions. It sounds like he is much more THERE now.
Frankly, I'm terrified of his reaction to me even asking this of him. My mouth goes dry and I start to shake while trying to come up with this conversation in my head. I can see his probable reaction and it's not good at all.
First, work for the reaction you want, not the one you fear. Second, even if he does react badly, it's still important enough to say. Fear of confrontation is not just his issue, it's yours too.
He doesn't like to be questioned about his intentions, his plans, or his feelings. I'm supposed to just accept that he's here for now...period. That's what he's told me before.
He definitely is an actions kind of person, he's there therefore what is there to talk about. He definitely doesn't seem to get that you want some verbal reassurances, and that's definitely something you can ask for.
It feels like the other shoe is going to drop at any time and I'll have no warning again. I won't survive that again.
Is that your fear talking? Or has something actually changed? And of course you will survive. You already know you can do it.
I know, it makes no sense to me either, it's just the way it always has been. My feelins don't matter to him if they don't exactly mesh with his. All that is important to him is that there is zero confrontation. He considers me talking about how I feel, even though I'm sure to tell him that my feelings are no reflection on him but are merely my own, as me finding fault with him.
If your feelings didn't matter to him, then he wouldn't get upset over the confrontations. He's a guy, of course he thinks it reflects on him, he wants to fix the problem you bring to him, but when he looks at this problem he needs to fix, he feels like he's the problem. He doesn't know how to do that because it's not a solid concrete problem, it's subjective feelings.
My fears are mine alone. I have had horrible experiences in talking to him in the past and that has caused me to clam up entirely. We talk about all sorts of other things, just not feelings.
The talks you have had since the reconciliation have been much better than in the past it seems? I also agree that trying another method like e-mail or a letter might help take some of the immediate pressure off him and might get a better reaction.
Oh, I'm definitely not one for confrontation either. There are few times that I won't just put my opinion about something on the back burner to keep from escalating an argument about it. That goes for every aspect of my life, not just our R.
There is absolutely no reason for me to be so scared! It's not like I'm giving him any kind of ultimatum, I'm not asking for M. I just want an understanding. Simple? No. My heart still considers him my H and reconciling that to my head that says that a piece of paper is insignificant and no guarantee of anything has been really hard. I was raised to believe in the power of a M and this is so against the way I was brought up. Undoing all of that is really hard. I just think that if I can talk this trough with him I'll feel a little better about it. I need to be heard.
When we had an issue a long time ago I had convinced him to go to a C with me but then we lost our insurance before we could go and we couldn't afford it out of pocket. That was the one and only time I got him to consider it. When we separated he wouldn't consider it at all (of course he was up to his eyeballs in his A) and then once when he came back during that time we went to see the M couselors at church but he was sitting there with his arms folded and wouldn't participate. When he told them what he had said to me about staying unless he saw something wrong or until I brought up his A and then he would leave again they asked him if he heard himself basically dangling a carrot in front of me with his foot out the door...he told them to "f off" and left. It was super ugly. Not something I want to experience again.
I'm liking the email idea better and better. It seems so impersonal but then again I could at least get what I want to say out without backing up and giving up.
I'll post it here before I send it to him.
It still makes me very nervous.
You could just ask him to go steady.
kat
That would cover it wouldn't it? It means being exclusive and if you say it in a playful way, who could take offence? Just trying to help.
kat
Oh Gineen...I wish I had answers for what you ask. I'll take a stab at it.
Why do I act like I'm not special enough that he might worry about losing me? In short, I'm not. I wasn't special enough not to leave and I'm definitely not special enough to hold him here. He knows for a fact he won't lose me. I'm far too loyal...kind of like a faithful dog. Stupid.
He could walk away. He has walked away...several times. I don't believe that he would stay if he had a better offer. Again, I'm no one worth staying with. I'm not exciting, I'm not pretty, I'm not anything.
He knows he has me where he wants me. It's all his way or no way. No, he's never said that. His past actions over the last 23 years tell me that. When I tried to talk to him about my needs and what I wanted and it didn't mesh with his he walked away and wouldn't talk to me. Then, he would never allow me to bring it up again. He shut me down over and over.
No, it's not the kind of R I think we could have, it's just the one it is. For me, having him here is better than not. I'm totally lost without him here.
I know this sounds horribly pathetic, but it's honest. There aren't any other people in my life that know these things about me. As far as my RL friends are concerned, I'm a happy-go-lucky, eternally smiling person who will bend over backward for her friends. They have no idea what kind of mess is inside and I hope I can always keep it that way.
No platitudes are necessary, please don't blast me for feeling the way I do. I've been struggling mightily for my entire life with these feelings...they aren't going to go away. I've just gotten really good at managing them with therapy and journaling.
That's the best answer I can give you for your question.
You are beautiful! I see your smiling face on my FB every day. What you need desperately is a really good counsellor to help you realize that. You owe this to yourself and to Marc. You are young and you have years and years ahead of you. Do you want to be miserable?
You can't possibly REALLY want the relationship you have. You HAVE to change it up.
I am not a believer in divorce but the day my ex walked out was the first day I started to think about a life without him. And I had so much fear. But the reality is not nearly like I feared. The reality is FANTASTIC!
You are young, and vibrant. You ARE what your friends think you are. And the right man will LOVE you and treat you as you deserve. But YOU have to realize you're worth it. And do what it takes.
I would be THRILLED if anything I said could help you. Because I care.
Barb
You can't possibly REALLY want the relationship you have. You HAVE to change it up
I know. That is what I'm trying to figure out how to do. I want to change things. I'm tired of living scared all the time.
The email is not going well. I've been trying to write a simple one that just states that I need clarification of our R and a promise to talk with me if he is dissatisfied.
It sounds like a darned 1st grader wrote it. I keep erasing it.
UGH
Mish - it won't be enough. It is not REALLY going to make the change you need. You need MUCH MUCH more from him than that. PLEASE go for more.
Write from the heart. Don't over think it.
Barb
Hon, I know where all of this low self-esteem comes from. I don't know if you want to counseling after or not, but it wasn't enough to get to the deep heart of the matter.
You can do fine without him there. You already have. Don't let anyone have that power over you. He is darn lucky to have you and you need to let him see that every day. He needs you, not the other way around. Don't fool yourself in thinking otherwise.
Take yourself back. If Gabe comes along fine, but if not, so be it. You don't need to keep carrying around the eggshells to walk on. Throw them away.
Hugs, kat
"Take back yourself"...
Yes - that's it. It was what we all needed to do after our marriages went bust. Rebuild ourselves, redefine our lives, be better role models for our children.
Your happiness needs to come from within, not from another person (one who is doing nothing to make you happy, really, or enhance your life).
I am complete. On my own. I don't need anyone to "complete" me and you don't either.
You have many wonderful friends. But if they're like my friends - they didn't come around as much when H was there. Because he brought them down. And made them uncomfortable and that alienated me too.
Not anymore. We do things together and often with others. We're always out making new friends too.
Imagine the life you REALLY want. Now start going for it one step at a time.
Please take that first step today.
Barb
Mish,
Rather than trying to get Gabe to change, why don't YOU.
"Gabe, I want to feel confident that I am in a committed, loving, monogamous R. I don't feel that way, and it isn't working for me."
Then see what he says.
"It's all his way or no way. No, he's never said that. His past actions over the last 23 years tell me that. When I tried to talk to him about my needs and what I wanted and it didn't mesh with his he walked away and wouldn't talk to me. Then, he would never allow me to bring it up again. He shut me down over and over."
To me this sounds a bit familiar, passive aggressive emotional abuse. People who withold affection and blame you for your feelings and think you are trying to get the last word when all you are trying to do is get them to understand.
What do you think? Take care of yourself. Wonder
I saw part of Oprah on the OWN network the other day and they were talking about how we aren't being true to our souls. This is why many people feel as if something is off or missing. It sounds as if you are, according to them, betraying your soul by not letting yourself be heard. What kind of relationship is it when you can't even talk to your significant other?
Time for big changes my dear.
kat
I know, time for huge changes but I'm too scared to do it. I love him in so many ways but I shut myself down in order to keep peace.
Honestly, it's not really him that is the problem here. I know it's me. I know that it's not fair of me to be unsatisfied with the way things are when I'm not willing or able to speak up and tell him what I want and need. There is a part of me that just wants to break out and say what it is I want but the rest of me says to shut up and suck it up and keep everyone in their happy place since that is better for the family.
I just can't seem to break through that sick part. It's so frustrating!
He's not a mind reader and, let's face it, he is a man after all. Most of them aren't too in tune to feelings or emotion of any kind. He's especially out of touch with emotion since he was abused as a child. He shuts down faster than I do.
UGH. Why do damaged people gravitate toward each other?
Why do you keep making excuses for both him and yourself?
Do you HONESTLY believe that it is "better for the family" to stay in an unsatistfying, unhealthy relationship?
Life is not intended to be stagnant. It is about growing, changing, LIVING and loving.
If you accept the Status Quo - you accept the inevitable fate.
Stop this nonsense. Either talk to him, talk to a counsellor or better yet - BOTH!!!
Barb
He's not a mind reader and, let's face it, he is a man after all. Most of them aren't too in tune to feelings or emotion of any kind. He's especially out of touch with emotion since he was abused as a child. He shuts down faster than I do.
We've been taught only wimps show and acknowledge feeling. Women discuss their feelings frequently, men do not. So, when it's time for the "feeling" talk men are at a distinct disadvantage and will tend to avoid. In military terms, you do not engage the enemy at their strongest point! Now, you say he shuts down faster than you do (because he was abused) so, in order to know that you must have attempted at one time to engage him in some kind of emotional dialogue. Is that so, or are you just rationalizing why you won't say what you need? Hey, it's scary to ask for something cuz you might not get it. Yet, you can't live your life based on fear. You don't have to be fearless, just try to fear less.
What are you so afraid of? Him leaving you? Didn't he already do that? Didn't you already LIVE through that and hey, you made it .
So what really is your fear because everything you stated already happened.
Oh, I've done the C...lots and lots...I did finally break through some major barriers I had and have learned to accept things I can not control and let go of the worst of what hurts me. Those were major issues that held me back in more ways than I can explain. I can't afford more C at this point but that's neither here nor there.
Wii, I like what you said. I don't have to be fearless...just fear less. That's nice.
Yes, I've tried to have 'feelings' talks with him in the past and he runs like the wind or says something that will shut me down faster than I could speak. My approach is cautious so that I don't spook him but it doesn't seem to matter.
No, I don't want to live my life being stagnant in my R. I do believe though that no everyone can expect happiness and joy in their lives. Some people are destined for...comfortable. That's me. I would like to get back to comfortable someday soon.
Mish,
Comfortable? That's all? But clearly you're not.
You deserve happiness and joy. Why wouldn't you set that as your goal?
Look at me. I thought I had no future in a relationship AT ALL> I have a severely handicapped son who takes up so much of my time and energy. But the RIGHT person was able to see past that. And accepted me for me - warts and all.
If I had settled for me being "comfortable" - I could never have found happiness and joy as I know it.
Why do you?
Barb
Perhaps I am reading this wrong but Barb, I don't think they are even at comfortable. It is something she is wanting to get to. Why on earth settle? Why stay with someone who puts their needs above yours? Two broken people do not make one whole person.
Please believe me Mish, you deserve soooo much more.
kat
That's how I read it too, kat. "Comfortable, clearly you're not".
I don't know what else we can say that will help Mish make the changes she needs to make. THis is just no way to live.
Mish - you had so much determination to have the talk when you got home - but postponing it has only made you lose resolve. Don't hold out for the "perfect" letter or the "perfect" time - there won't be any "right" time. It will always be that one of you is too tired, or it's your birthday or Christmas is coming etc. The only RIGHT and PERFECT time is NOW
Barb
Ok Mish,
Let's try this...
What's on your Bucket List??? I made one when H and I first split. And I've been working on it.
Just this past w/e, Josh and I were talking about a new vacation plan. His idea is to go to Sedona (on my Bucket List - I passed up an opportunity to go with my Counselling Group). But in Sedona there is Hot Air Ballooning (on my Bucket List) & also we could go to the Grand Canyon (on my Bucket List). So - how's that for a vacation??? Knock off 3 Bucket List items in one shot.
Barb
I'm going to get totally blasted for this but.....
I don't have a bucket list and have no intention of starting one.
Making lists of things I want to do and then never acheiving one thing of the list feeds my depression so it's not a smart move on my part.
The things I would like to do I won't be able to so no point in dreaming about them.
It always makes me really happy to see others checking things off their lists so I'm more than glad to hear about them. Keep them coming.
Mish -
Not going to blast you, but why not start off with some simple inexpensive bucket list items? Not everything on a bucket list has to cost money.
Hello--If you are depressed much better to list what you actually did in a day. You will be happy with your accompishments--at one time the best I could do was go to the Post Office to get stamps. One moment at a time. Wonder
On my bucket list is the task of trying to figure out how it got the name "bucket list". I'm shooting high!
Mish,
I know I am the FNG here.
Start small and build.
Generally we are our own worst critic.
Change the perspective and silence that voice.
When it come to critics the words of Theodore Roosevelt from his “Man in the arena speech” ring true.
To paraphrase “It is not the critic who counts. The credit belongs to the man in the arena” Reach for the credit in small doses.
Google for the full quote and it is not meant to be gender specific.
Kicking the bucket, bucket list= things you want to do before you die. Watch the movie with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.
Wii, you crack me up!
Kicking the bucket, bucket list= things you want to do before you die.
Thanks Kat, the first thing on my Bucket List is not to die. I think that about covers it.
I had a Bucket List long before it was called that. (I did see the movie - it was good). I called it my TO DO BEFORE I DIE list. There were some books out about 10 years ago - 100 things to do before you die & similar books. Places to see before you die etc.
Anyway - call them goals. Call them Bucket List. I don't often even write them down. But I know what those things are. And I check on "How'm I doing" often. Keeps me focussed.
Mish - if it is overwhelming - just make a tiny goal. And break that down into tinier steps. And see if you can take one of the steps.
Example: Change the rut we're in.
Steps: 1. Write down things I'd like to see change.
2. Think about how I will approach Gabe
3. Ask Gabe if we can talk about things
Stuff like that. Just a small step. I believe you've already taken at least one.
You get a star for that!
Barb
1. I love love love the idea of asking him to go steady. It's light and funny, but does make the point of defining things as exclusive.
2. I second the idea of making a list of accomplishments. Make a retroactive bucket list and put all the things on there you never thought you'd accomplish. Your cruise, your vacation to Cali this year, all the fun and wonderful things you've accomplished over the years. I bet you'd be surprised at how much you could come up with to put on there! And the best part is, they're all already crossed off!
Hmmm...an already crossed off bucket list....now there's an idea.
I don't know if I have a bucket list, but I do try to think of the things I am grateful for each day.
Ok, I've been thinking about this for a while. I will list the couple of things I've accomplished and then I have come up with a couple of small goals I would like to make before the end of this year. Very, very small mind you. I do have one goal that I am working toward right now that is farther in the future also.
Here goes:
Took Marc on a fabulous Western Caribbean cruise.
Made non food-related Christmas presents last year
Small goals before the end of this year:
Try Ethiopian food at a real Ethiopian restaurant
Re-teach myself to crochet
Go apple picking in the north GA mountains
Make handmade Christmas presents again
Long term goal:
Take Marc on cruise for his high school graduation - 2014. I've already been saving for this!
Outstanding!
MIshka,
These are great goals! The apples sound yummy!
If you re-learn crochet - maybe you can teach me - I need to add "learn to crochet" to my Bucket list.
And I LOVE cruises. I took Ashley for her college grad on a Carribean cruise - Cayman, Key West & Jamaica. What ports did you visit?
Good for you, Mish! That's the spirit!
Barb
We went to Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize, and Roatan. It was the most awesome week of my life.
Mish:
I'm sure you know this. But...
The most awesome week of your life was not with Gabe. It was with Marc. And your future goals also do not mention Gabe. I think this is very telling.
The big thing here is, though, that you can see great things ahead of you on your own. And it WILL be all that - with or without him.
I hope you can see that and realize how awesome you are and how capable you are. You do NOT need a man to help you reach your goals.
Does Gabe know what your goals are? Do you think he would want to go on that cruise with you and Marc?
Barb
I don't make him part of my goals because I don't make any plans more than a couple months out that involve him. I don't expect him to be around that long.
He said he wants to go on the cruise. We will see.
The cruise I took with marc was the best week because I finally got to do whatever I wanted without having to take care of anyone else. Marc did his own thing most of the week so I was alone. It got lonely sometimes with no one to talk to, but it was so relaxing.
Mish: I LOVE cruises. And during the day - I'm happiest with my book by the pool. Just nice to meet up with your son (or my daughter in my case) for dinner and the show. I never saw my daughter other than dinnertime and excursions. She made friends in the boarding area and didnt come in most nights till 2 or later. I was asleep.
Barb
Love this list Mish, and all totally doable!
Hi Mish.. I tried to catch up but I missed so much !! The long and short of it.. you and Gabe are still together ?? Wow ! Thats an achievement. Anyway...
I like this list !! I did the same.. because we have a baby so doing things we want to do is doubly hard. I made a list for the fridge..
So far I've managed to achieve/arrange most of them! Working on that few days away from Daisy for me and H time
Is it expensive to go on a cruise from GA??
Not horribly expensive. We go from Florida, any port, it doesn't really matter but we prefer the 'driveable ports' like Port Canaveral, Tampa or Jacksonville. 7 days with taxes but excluding shore excursions for 3 people runs about $2000 for a balcony cabin. Not bad!
Now actually saving that plus all the spending money required....that is the challenge. I don't have 2 nickels to rub together most months.
Yes, we're still together. It's working, mostly, for now. We don't talk about anything having to do with our R.
Yes, we're still together. It's working, mostly, for now. We don't talk about anything having to do with our R.
Guys see that as having the perfect relationship! I know, I know...but I just couldn't resist
Exactly Wii. Most do. As long as it's not talked about then it must be perfect, right?
Of course, they don't want to talk about to find out what could be adjusted or to give feedback before they walk out on you so.........it's a vicious game of cat and mouse.
So - are YOU content with that? If so - then it's all just peachy. If not - then you will never be at peace.
Barb
Hypothetically, if you were to have a conversation with Gabe, what would you say?
Mish if you going without talking even a bit, I could imagine you becoming a walk away significant other. Does Gabe realize how unhappy you are that this relationship doesn't have a name?
Come on Mish, quit stalling!
kat
What is there to be scared of? Him leaving? He has done that. He was the one that couldn't hack it without you. He didn't have to come back. He could have moved back to CA. He didn't though.
We teach people how to treat us. Man if I could whip that guy that did this to you... He was not the normal person, he was a predator. You didn't ask for the rape. Now is the time to let all of that stop controlling you. You are letting that scum win by not speaking up.
Take back your life. This is your time to let all of that baggage go. I am here for you.
Kat
WOW. I wasn't even thinking that my past trauma was a contributing factor in my reactions to Gabe. Could that be true? ICK! I hardly ever consciously think of the rape. That was something I locked away a long time ago, or so I thought. Maybe not as well as I thought I had.
Things with Gabe are ok. No, I'm not completely happy but I'm not completely miserable either. Being in the middle is ok for now. I get really down sometimes and let it fly here so I don't explode but I don't think it's really that bad.
No, we don't talk about our R. We talk about everything else. We laugh together, he holds me, hugs me for no reason, and takes care of us. I really can't ask for anything more than that.
Saturday morning I did nearly blow everything though. We were going to breakfast together. Just us, a rareity. We got in the car and started to drive away and realized the tire went flat. I have been keeping an eye on that tire because it had a slow leak but it went flat overnight so the slow leak obviously turned into a great big one! We got back to the house and he pulled the tire off and we took it to the tire place around the corner. They couldn't even look at it until 4pm. UGH! Well, that made him mad and we drove on up the street where there are two more tire places which he wouldn't stop at. I asked him if he was heading to AutoZone to deal with it there and he said "Does it matter? Why do you need to know?" It was a weird response but I came back with a really boneheaded comment. I told him I needed to know because I was hot and miserable (his car doesn't have AC) and wanted to know how long I could expect to be that way so I could mentally prepare. (I'm a HUGE WUSS!) He got all peeved off and made a U-turn and said, "Forget it! I was just going to go on to breakfast and deal with this afterward but since you are so hot and miserable I'll just take you home." I just kept looking out the window and started crying, trying to stifle it so he wouldn't know but apparently I sniffed a little to hard one time and he realized I was crying. That made him even more mad. He hates it. I never said another word. He kept trying to explain to me why he was taking me home and how he was sorry I was hot and miserable and couldn't handle the heat...blah blah blah. It was too late by then. He went to deal with the tire, I went to the bedroom and laid down and then he left later and didn't say where he was going. When he came back (he went fishing) he hugged me and that was that.
No, not a healthy way of dealing with it but it was over.
Stupid huh?
Sorry Mish,
Reminds me of my life with ex. It was often like that.
One thing I never knew from reading your posts was that you you laugh together, hug etc. I never got that from your posts - it seemed so stiff.
Only you know what you want and what you're willing to accept. No R is perfect. I just am glad I no longer walk on eggshells.
Barb
OK, my thoughts are, first of all, don't write " I did nearly blow everything though." Huh, how did YOU blow anything? It was a dynamic between two people. He had his fault in how the discussion was handled and you had yours. Yet, I don't see how saying what you said was that horrible. You asked a simple question and he got all cranky over it. Now, he probably felt that as the man it's his job to make sure this is repaired and that your inquiry was calling his adequacy into question or questioning the way he was handling it. That would be a topic for discussion later. You should discuss what happened and maybe say "Is there a way you would have preferred me to have asked that question?" ...even just for for future reference. Ask if he felt you were criticizing him. Anyway, a small pissy interaction between the two of you is not almost blowing everything. Don't blow things way, way out of proportion! Catch yourself, you do it often.
The way I look at things, I'm the peacekeeper. I don't ruffle feathers, I just suck it up and act like an adult. It's not worth the fight usually. Don't get me wrong, if something happens that completely undermines my boundaries the it's ON! Otherwise, I vent here and let it go...eventually.
There is something you guys just hit on that I didn't notice though. You're right, when something happens I assume that I've blown everything apart by my reaction or my words. In my mind I see Gabe as having a box in his head where he stores all of my mistakes and he's filing them away. One day that box is going to be full (and every mistake I make I feel it's going to be the ONE) and that's when he'll say he's done and walk out again. Why don't I seem to have a box like that?
This made me think about a few other things as well.
Why is it that I constantly think about what I'm going to say or do and how he is going to react to it? If I feel it won't be positive, I say or do nothing. If I think it will be neutral or positive then I go ahead. I do this no matter how I truly feel about it. That's not honest. That is not me! I fly by the seat of my pants in all things but, then again, that has gotten me in trouble too. Yes, I'm overly critical of myself but I don't know anyone who isn't. It's just hard to be constantly worried that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing.
Does he ever worry about how what he says effects me? I would seriously doubt it. It's something I would like to ask him though. I don't understand this dynamic at all. Does he ever think of my feelings or my needs (other than the practical) at all? I just don't know.
Borrowed time. That's how I feel all of the time. It's exhausting.
Gineen, you said that you think he nearly blew it with me. He knows that's not possible. He's done the worst and I've taken him back with no consequences. I feel like I'm paying some kind of pennance for being less than in the past. No, he isn't imposing this, I'm doing it to myself. There just seems to be no way to stop myself from it. It goes back to my mess in my head, my lack of all sorts of things that I've been trying my best to break free of. It stinks.....big time.
Oh well....I really need to stop thinking about it. It makes me even crazier and I sit at my desk and cry. Not a good way to be in an open office with my co-workers staring at me!
Oh, and Barb, I never thought of sharing his loving side with you guys. It's not something I share with anyone in RL either. They never see us interact. He's not demonstrative in public ever and in private he's still pretty reserved.
He is a hugger though. Last night I asked him why he never sits on the couch with me anymore and he said he just was really comfortable in the recliner. I asked him if he would be uncomfortable sitting on the couch so I could lay on his lap and he immediately jumped up and came over to the couch. That was sweet and did show me he was listening. He obviously realized that it was important to me. That was nice.
That WAS nice, Mish. My question would be - did it lead to sex? Because that was always what I wanted in my R with my ex. Cuddling that did not always lead to sex. The sex was great and I never said no but the feeling that you were loved not just for sex was great too.
Relationships are certainly complicated.
I think before anything with you and Marc and be really satisfying - you need to sort out the "mess in your head". That will give you a lot of answers.
Barb
Nope, no sex. Just the cuddling and that was really nice.
Gabe is good in so many ways, and bad in so many. So am I. There just needs to be a way to sit down and talk these things out together without him feeling like I'm trying to lay down some sort of blame or groundwork for something else. I just want to talk dang it!
First, I LOVE YOUR LIST. And I love the things you have planned, like the cruise for Marc's graduation. I also think it's extremely positive that Gabe is interested - he wouldn't be thinking about stuff that far ahead if he wasn't planning to be around.
Second, I love that you guys do have so many good moments. It's great that you have here to vent, but it's also awesome that there are so many good things about the R. Yes, you both have your patterns, and there are some things that need to be addressed, but it's good to see there are also healthy and fun patterns that can be built on.
Hypothetically, what would you want to address? And how could you break it down? E.g. start with playfully asking him to go steady or something equally funny but light and don't let it turn into a long drawn-out R discussion. What would you want to address after that? And what would be a good way to do it?
Mish,
One thing I learned from my marriage falling apart was the "all or nothing" attitude. I have learned in my new R to compromise more. To know when something REALLY is a deal breaker. To look at the big picture. And to not issue ultimatums.
One thing that I would improve in my new R would be the ability to discuss the future. Josh is noncommittal. I always wanted to remarry. It seems to be the one thing we can't really talk about. When I do - he never gets angry - just smiles and changes the subject. For me - I had to learn that this might be the one thing we will never agree on but when I look at the rest - it's just all so wonderful. And buying a house together was a huge commitment on his part. So I let it go.
So - I guess you have to be REALLY clear with yourself about what you really want and what you can let go. And no one else can decide that for you.
Barb
Well......today is pushing me to the end of my ever fraying rope.
Gabe lost his job today over a stupid mistake. He's been an exemplary employee, they've given him high praise several times in the past and a nice bonus once but he made one error and they fired him. Granted, he hit a car in the parking lot when he was shuffling cars (he worked for an auto body company) but it was minor damage.
No idea what I'm going to do now. The income he brought in paid for groceries.
I'm shaking. Too bad my xanax is all gone.
Oh Mish,
I am SO sorry to hear this. Life is just not fair sometimes.
Don't lost faith. Things will all work out. Just take a bit of time to pull yourself together and I'm sure he will go get another job.
Thinking of you!
Hugs,
Barb
I've been trying to get a second job for months now...not even one call back.
This does not bode well.....I've got nothing left to sell that anyone wants! ARGH!
I am sure Gabe know how stressful all of this. Why don't you let him let him handle it? Give him more to do and see if he steps up. Maybe it is time for him to create his own job.
hugs, I am thinking of you. kat
M, that really s*ucks, I'm so sorry. How are you doing? How is Gabe doing?
Hanging in there. I'm still shaking a little and nervous. A loss of any income spells disaster in my house so this is making me really sick.
Gabe is ok. He has some leads already so my fingers are crossed. He seems to be taking this loss better than the others he's had. I have a feeling though that has something to do with my reaction to it. I lifted him up and encouraged him instead of giving him any crud for it.
Well done, you're handling a horrible situation really well. Gabe will appreciate it. I'm not surprised you are feeling that way, I would too. You are strong!
I'm rooting for you that things will turn around really quickly x
Still nothing on the job front. A couple of interviews but they are notoriously slow getting back.
The finances are a shambles. All it takes is one missing paycheck and I'm sunk. The last of the money went out today....ugh!
My stomach is in knots for other reasons too. This coming Tuesday would have been our 19th anniversary. I've been trying to talk to myself about that day not being important anymore, it means nothing, he's here now...blah blah blah. It's not working. Every year it seems like that day gets harder instead of easier. WTH is that????? ARGH!
Mish,
I"m so sorry about the financial stuff. Will Gabe be able to collect unemployment? Can he do work for anyone under the table? Maybe he could go to school and get some extra education that could help him get a new job in a different field - one that might open new doors for him. He really sounds depressed to me (but I'm not there of course) and something new can change everything.
There are jobs babysitting, walking dogs, pet sitting etc that can be picked up with one small ad. Something to tide you over.
But what is GABE doing in all this? How is HE trying to help the situation? This should be very telling.
And has he ever mentioned your anniversary - now or last year?
I'm praying for you, Mish. Praying for all the right things and the answers to come your way. Hang in there!
Barb
He has never mentioned our anniversary. I believe in his mind it was wiped out the day he left. My heart is still connected to him, forever. I can guarantee you that if he walked back out the door today I would not feel any differently in my heart. The best way I can describe it is that it's like my vows branded my heart and it won't be changed. Odd, I know, but those vows were spoken sacredly and that can't be undone.
Anywho....Gabe has a second job. He always has. It just doesn't pay enough to begin to make up the deficit. He is out every day filling out applications, he searches constantly online, driving around, etc. As far as school, he can't afford that! I don't know if he would want to do it anyway but there is no way to afford to pay for any schooling. I've been wanting to go back to school for years but I can't afford to do it. I'm already so far in debt that I can't even get a student loan.
No, he can't get unemployment because he was fired, not laid off.
I'm still looking for a second job also but hitting brick walls all the time. You would think I could find babysitting jobs or dog walking wouldn't you? Nope. Where I live, these people are bizzare! Their kids go with them practically everywhere and when they don't they do babysitting co-ops in their subdivisions. 75% of the homes in this city involve one stay-at-home or work-at-home person who takes care of their own dogs and they kennel them when they are away. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen!
Mish: That's good that he is being really Pro-Active about getting another job. Something will come together.
I do wish you could find a way to go back to school, though, since it is obviously important to you. I really don't know what to suggest, though.
Can you do book keeping? Assist with Resumes? Computer work for seniors who don't have the skills? There are many things you can do online with the skills you have.
Just a few ideas.
Barb
Can he pick up more hours at his second job? Something is going to open up. Can you do something in another area of Atlanta? Maybe something that you can work on at home ?
Thinking of you. Hugs, kat
Sorry Mish...
I hope things improve soon for you.
Barb
Me too.
Today is just really rough for me. Just stupid that one dumb date has this big an effect on me. It's not helping that the weather matches my gloomy mood. BLECH!
Sunshine is around the corner, right?
Sunshine is *always* around the corner Mish.
Hugs!
Well, that's the beauty of life. Every day is a new beginning. A fresh start. A "Do-Over".
In my best Annie voice...
"The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow - there'll be SUN!!!"
Barb
When I got home tonight I was apparently very transparent in my sadness. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it but apparently not. That turns out to be a good thing. Gabe told me he had to go the store for eggs and came home with a bouquet of flowers and a balloon and hugged me and told me he knew what today was and why I was sad. He said he loved me. It was amazing to me.
Sun....on the way.
I saw that Gineen! Hormones?
Hey Mish,
I am SO happy to hear this. I am so glad that Gabe came through. Obviously he DOES know. And he DOES care enough to come through for you. I don't know him but I feel better about him for you.
So - Sunshine TODAY for you! Enjoy!
Barb
Woo hoo! Now THAT has put a big smile on my face for you. Wonderful, just wonderful. Well done Gabe!
So glad that he isn't totally in the dark! Good job Gabe!
Surprised the heck out of me. It was nice to know he remembered. He even had a little choke in his voice when he said it. Warmed my heart.
Now to get through it and tackle the next issue...money! LOL Isn't it always the issue though?
It doesn't have to be. Can you guys move to an area that has more opportunities? I now in my case I am kind of stuck until everyone turns 18 because I refuse to let him have them an entire summer!
Imagine getting envelopes with checks in them. See what just might happen.
kat
Fantastic Mish! Those are the things that just bring a warmth to your heart that you can't put into words. Btw, I liked your video collection in the background
LOL. My old school VHS tapes? Aren't they awesome? I have one working VCR in my house still. The rest of my collection is on DVD but they are below where that pic was taken.
I need to break down and get rid of those VHS tapes. They annoy me. I'm just afraid I might want to watch one and I'll be ticked that I got rid of them.
I can't move until Marc is out of school. 2 years. I'll likely move after that to reduce rent. If I could just reduce that I'd have a lot easier time! I'm rent poor! It takes 50% of my income. It's worth it for Marc to be in one of the best public schools in the state and it's the only school in the Atlanta metro with an Autism Triad Program. Very important.
Kat, what do you mean getting envelopes with checks in them? Is there some business I don't know about? Pop me the info in the alt! I'm always interested to learn new stuff!
I mean: see yourself getting money in your mail. Rebates, refunds, whatever. Thinking positively helps! (I am not always super cheerful just so you know).
Try entering sweepstakes or contests. Just thow maybe 15 minutes a night doing it. You just might be winning!!
kat
I have a VHS collection I can't bear to get rid of too. I tried to get them put onto DVD but they couldn't cos of copyright! Gutted!
Don't they have fair use laws in the UK? You should be able to transfer anything you have already paid for to another medium for personal use.
It's the same as ripping your old CDs to your computer or to use on an MP3 player.
Very cool Mish about the flowers and balloon! Loved the pic.
Yeah, they do now but didn't at the time. I should try again!
I didn't know it was possible to transfer movies from vhs to dvd. I can probably get the movies I want in the $5 bin though since they are so old. LOL
Too funny Kat! I didn't even think of that. Worth a shot!
I don't think Parent Trap 3 ever made it to dvd
Loved that film when I was little!!
I didn't even know there was a Parent Trap 3!!! I may have to see if I can track that down.
One of my best friends called me Thursday and asked if I would like to go to Music Midtown in Atlanta with her on Saturday. I was so excited! I wanted to go so bad but I couldn't afford the tickets. Her sister was supposed to go and backed out at the last minute...yea for me! LOL Pearl Jam was headlining and they are one of my favorites so it was a must go situation!
I discovered I am just too old and out of shape to sit on the ground for 11 hours! I hate port-a-potties with a passion so that was what I dreaded most. Yep, they were pretty horrible considering there were 54,000 people using them....blech! The bands on the two stages were awesome and the people watching was absolutely the best ever.
There are plenty of things that are making me a nervous mess but I'm trying to just deal with them one at a time and not let them overwhelm me. Gabe is being as supportive as he can, picking up as many hours as he can squeeze out of his boss at the restaurant, but it's not close to enough. I'll find some way of making it work but it just makes me feel like I'm sinking fast. UGH!
Mondays really make reality hit fast don't they? BLECH!
Mish, finances can suck, but the balloons/flowers had to be great. May I suggest you have a giant 'vintage' VHS sale?
I don't know what made me wake up early this morning, and pop over to the boards. Saw a friendly face and wanted to say hi. I spend much more time in alt
Peace,
Goldey
(((Mishka))) how are you lovely? Any luck with Gabe and the job stuff?
Hey there Julia (all all my other sweet buds here!)!
I'm plugging along thanks. One day at a time.
No luck with Gabe finding another job yet. To make things worse the car he is driving (not his, this one is borrowed from a friend) had decided to have engine trouble. It's been sitting in the driveway for a few weeks now. He has to take the golf cart to work (thank heavens he works very close by) but that keeps him from looking further afield for work. He works 6 days a week but considering it's part time as a waiter with a totally unpredictable income. It's not going too well.
Goldey - I tried the 'vintage' VHS sale! No takers. I even have dozens of Disney videos that normally would have gone like hot cakes but no one wants it if it's not DVD.
Bummer!
I'm looking for more work but haven't found anything yet. I applied to lots of retail stores that are looking for seasonal help but no one has called back yet. That surprises me. I have retail experience and TONS of customer service experience. Maybe I'm just not supposed to do that for some reason.
We'll see....
You're being so pro active that's great. I'm applying for seasonal retail too just to try and get some cash flow coming in. To make myself feel better yesterday I was a hair model so got a free hair cut. Loving the new look, a money saving idea I had when I was travelling.
Onwards... (((mishka)))
Have you tried to sell your tapes via eBay or Amazon? Might be the ticket!
Haven't tried that route yet. I'm afraid it would cost me more to mail them than I could sell them for. LOL Any idea what shipping might cost? Hmmm...I need to check more into that. Good idea kat! Thanks!
There used to be a calculator on ebay for shipping. You could also take one tape down to the post office and ask them what they would charge to ship it. Amazon has preset shipping set up I believe. I can buy a book for a penny and the shipping will be like 2.99.
Good luck with it.
kat
There is a local page near me on FB - "Greater ____-area Tag Sale." Once you join the group, you can post anything that you are trying to sell. Maybe there is one for your neighborhood?
Mish, last year I advertised as a distance PA, so it means you are a PA to someone and organise their meetings, do typing etc but from home and charge an hourly rate. I had two takers, it proved quite popular to individual entrepreneur types.
Amazon has preset shipping. And it's actually pretty accurate as you can ship media mail (which is slow, but cheap!). Definitely worth creating a seller's account IMHO.
I used to buy and resell my textbooks on Amazon.
(((Mish)))
I finally decided I can't tough it out any longer in my financial situation. I am filing bankruptcy. I am scrambling to come up with the court fees by next Friday so I can get it filed before my wages end up garnished. It's almost a relief to be doing this but on the other hand I feel like a total failure for having to go this route. What a dichotomy.
Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. The most important thing is to develop a budget plan so that you don't end up right back in debt again.
It's a big step, Mish. It takes courage to face up to what you have to do. Keep us updated. Thinking of you
As you know it isn't the end of the world. You can get through it. You need to get all of your financials together. If you haven't already you will need to go to a credit counselor. They will have to be able to print out a form that you did go. From the time I filed, it was about a month later I had to go to the court. Then about 2 months later it was over.
I wish that my ex hadn't forced us to take this route but I can't change the past. You will be fine.
Hugs, kat
Thinking of you, Mish. I know how hard that past months have been but I also know this is not the route you wanted to go. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
Life goes on. It WILL get better.
Hugs,
Barb
Tough decision to make, but do what you gotta do. It'll be a fresh start at least!
(((Mishka)))
Yes it will. Considering that my income doesn't quite cover my expenses every month anymore, that extra going out and one big ugly coming after me was more than I could stand.
Well, filing is done. In 4-6 months it will be complete. I can't tell you the amount of stress this has lifted off my shoulders already! My hair was falling out, my face was breaking out, and I couldn't sleep at all.
Again, not at all what I wanted to do but when faced with garnishment and not being able to put a roof over my child's head anymore this was the best solution.
Thank you all for being so supportive and loving.
Hi Mish,
I just read what you had to do. I dont quite get the meaning of it since we dont have that option here (which granted the crisis we should have) but I read you struggled with the decision. I am wishing for you that it turns out to be the beginning of better things.
Happy Thanksgiving!
K
This Friday is my Bankruptcy hearing with the creditors. They say it's just an informal meeting where they just go over all the details to make sure everything is in order. I'm still really nervous about it. At least it doesn't actually take place in a courthouse. It's just in a meeting room at a local hotel so it will take some of the stress out of it.
I opened an old jewelry box today looking for a pair of earrings and there, staring me straight in the face were my wedding rings. Of course, being the sentimental stupid sap I am I had to put them on for a minute and have happy memories. That was seriously dumb. Now I'm in a funk.
I've been planning to sell mine for years - might as well get something out it.
But yours is a much different story. If I were in your shoes I would show them to him. Ask him what he thinks you should do with them? Wear them? Sell them? What? It might be the opening you need. Remember how, after the wedding in Florida - you wanted some big changes in the relationship? Maybe this is the opening you need...
Good luck with the hearing. Is he going with you?
Barb
No, I'm on my own for the hearing. He is not involved in this at all since the debt is mine...oh joy.
See Barb, you have such good ideas to create openings for conversation. Of course, it would still require me to get past my fears and that is something I just can't do. In my mind, the status quo is better than the alternative. If he freaks out on me and bolts I know I won't recover from it emotionally or financially. The little bit he brings in keeps food on the table. It's stupid, I know, but it is what it is.
Mish:
I hate to be blunt but here goes anyway:
You are stuck. That makes you your own worst enemy. The only way you are ever going to get what you really want is to institute some change. But if you won't do it - then things will never get better. What I have suggested is the most minor of things - but you are so afraid that you won't even ask that simple question. So you settle for crumbs.
You and he have been living together whether you are married or not. That makes him responsible for some of the debt. (I am not that familiar with the laws) but how does he get away with no responsibility here?
I guess you can go on and live on edge wondering if he is going to bolt or not. Asking him a question should not make him bolt but if that's all it takes - then really - anything could do it.
Sorry. Not what you wanted to hear. But what DO you have with him?
Barb
Blunt is good Barb. I ask myself the same question all the time. What do I have with him? I have no idea. I feel so awkward all the time. It's really depressing to feel like I have no foothold. No anchor.....adrift. Yep, that is the feeling...adrift.
I am stuck. I'm scared and stuck. There are very few things I will ask for myself because I'm so tired of being told no or shot down. If I don't bring it up or don't ask for anything then I can't be disappointed, right? Not a great view of things but that's been my experience for the majority of my life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic or pitiful here, it's just a form of self preservation that I learned at a young age. Expect nothing...EVER.
UGH! I hate feeling like this. I had buried all of this down so deep and hoped it wouldn't surface again but those stupid rings ripped the lid off. GAG!
Well, while the lid is open and I'm being a whiny baby....there is a feeling I have in the deepest part of my soul. I think that all the good things that I had coming to me in life won't come to pass now because I made poor decisions when I was younger. It's as if everything good is no longer attainable because of the choices I made and the path I'm on is to just exist for others now. I can't really explain it any better than that. It's a horrible feeling that gnaws at me every day.
Ok, that's off my chest for today. Sorry. Pathetic, I know. I had to get it out while I was on a roll.
Living together doesn't make him responsible for any of my debt. This is credit card debt. All in my name. The only debt that is from when we were married was the big ugly one that prompted the bankruptcy in the first place but it was also only in my name. The divorce papers say that we are to split the debts but it also says he was supposed to pay child support but since he has been unemployed or extremely underemployed for the last 4 years that never really happened either.
Wow Mish,
You need a counselor to help you figure out WHY you allow yourself to think this way and to be treated this way. You need to go back to court and get more from him. Not crumbs - MONEY. I don't think he is capable of giving you the love that you need and deserve. He is broken. And has broken you.
Take the rings. Sell them to pay for a lawyer to get what you need financially from him. And take the rest to invest in a good counsellor. Because you are NOT living. You are existing (your words). And what does that do for your son?
I'm at a loss to know what to do. Usually everyone on this bb wants a better life for themselves and figures out how to find it. I knew how to advise you when you told us YOU wanted a better life (after the wedding) but because you didn't act on it when you were on a roll - you've allowed things to slip back to where they were before.
You are way too young to continue losing all your adult years in this limbo. The day I let go of my husband and the limbo and craziness I also lived it - I started to live again. And if I can do it - you can too.
PLEASE get some help for yourself. Even if it is just rereading Divorce Remedy. If you want something better - you will have to institute the change.
Barb
I've done the counseling, therapy, visualization exercises, etc. etc. etc.....trust me, I'm just too broken.
There's no money to get from him and I wouldn't want to do that even if there was. We have a very good relationship, it's just weird. There is no direction or stability to it and that feeds my own instability.
Honestly, what is 'LIVING' supposed to be? We move from one day to the next, doing what needs to be done to get to the next one. That's it. That's living. Ok, so I do that. I don't believe there really is more. I think that we tell ourselves there is more and then go about clawing our way up and creating more and more that we believe will make us happy but then it's all a bunch of bunk in the end.
I had a brief moment where I thought there must be a better life. Real life showed me otherwise. It said, 'stop your stupid dreaming, get back to work and realize this is as good as it gets. It could be worse!'
Boy, don't I know it could be worse. I've seen the worse. There are no complaints from me that life is 'too hard' or 'unfair'. I have it really good compared to a large percentage of this world. Just because I'm a depressed mess doesn't give me any right or reason to boo hoo my way through my days. Suck it up and shut up because I have it really good. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, and my beautiful son. That's more than a lot of people can say.
What does 'existing' do for my son? I'm there for him every day. That's all he needs from me. He is 18 and has his own life. He practically ignores me most days. I'm glad though. That is one more step toward independence which is something I used to think he would never acheive.
So, yes, I'm a broken mess and things aren't the way I want them to be but it hasn't stopped me dead in my tracks yet. I will get to tomorrow and the next day and the next because I have to. People are counting on me to. I stopped dreaming a LONG time ago and woke up to reality.
Just because the debt is not in his name doesn't mean he can't go with you for moral/emotional support so long as it doesn't interfere with his work. Did you ask him to come? (Can I bet on "no"?)
Do what you want with the rings. Whether that's ask his opinion or just sell them for money. But please give serious thought to using this as an opportunity to ask him a couple questions.
Your amazing son is 18 now, and is achieving independence (which is AWESOME). You have been dealing with a special needs kid for a long time now, try and put the focus back onto yourself a bit. Cut yourself some slack. You've done your part to care for others.
And keep thinking of this as a new start. You are starting over financially, use this time to also wipe the slate clean of some of the things that are holding you back.
With Marc being 18 now and finishing up school soon, maybe you can look at moving to a more affordable area (he graduates in May/June right?). Start thinking about your options and what YOU want. Do you want Gabe to move with you if you move? I know things are generally good absent the expressed commitment of remarrying or otherwise making your relationship more official. But maybe you should start looking at options for you, and if he wants to come along, great, but if not it would be awesome for you to be in a position where you didn't feel so trapped.
Oh mish, all that is going on sounds really tough. My wedding ring got stolen in the summer so at least I got compensation, it was the only thing I didn't mind going but as barb says, yours is a different situation. It is tough, but this is a difficult time and all your emotions will be running high.
Deal with one thing at a time, get through the hearing and be kind to yourself. I know you don't like to hear it but your strength is an inspiration to me.
(((michelle)))
Life is what you make it. Why on earth settle for day to day existance? I know you have several issues that still need to be addressed, can your pastor at church not help with the counseling?
Do you not want Marc to dream big for his life? Does he believe he has limits on what he can do? Do you want him to believe that he can never expect any more than what crumbs he is given in life? I don't think so. You are his role model, start asking for more.
kat
Kat has hit the nail on the head. This is EXACTLY what I was trying to point out. You may want to settle for crumbs (but that is ridiculous - who would?) but you are a role model for your son and if you settle - why should he strive for better? Children live what they learn at home.
I can't believe that you describe your relationship with Gabe as good. It is not good. It seems more like a facade. You are both pretending that it is good but there are many underlying problems and if there is no communication and you are terrified to even ask him what the R is - then it could crumble at any time.
My marriage was a facade too. I think my kids saw us living as less than good marriage a lot of the time and I am assuming they figured that was what normal was. Only now can I see that we were a broken couple and that did not set a good model for the kids. But trying to fix the marriage, moving fwd when it could not be fixed (I'm not saying you need to do that - each situation is unique) is teaching the kids that they deserve the best. They deserve to be happy.
I wish I could say the right thing to help you "get it". You do but you are being too stubborn and stuck. I just hope that's working for you.
Barb
Sorry, I've been laying low and trying to collect my thoughts and regroup after my breakdown. That was pretty pathetic. Sorry.
The conclusion I came to is this. What I have is enough....for me. I know it looks pretty weird to others but it's fine for me.
Maybe you have hindsight in your favor. You have better than you ever had before and that is wonderful for you! I'm so glad to see that things get better for some people. Others I know are so strong and are able to do it all on their own and are quite happy to do that. Again, that is so awesome! I am truly awed by those people. That's just not me and I am gradually learning to stop trying to force myself to be like them. I'm me and there has to be a point where I accept that.
Marc doesn't settle for anything. He has a goal, a pretty singular one and I hope he achieves it. He doesn't like to talk about anything personal...gee, I wonder where he gets that. Of course, Marc doesn't process things the way other people do so it doesn't worry me too much.
As far as my R with Gabe, it's fine. We have fun together, we support each other, isn't that what a R is supposed to be. Just because there is no 'exact' definition and no direction doesn't mean it's bad. It just is what it is.
Ok, enough of that nonsense.
What are everyone's plans for Christmas?
Hi Mish,
I agree with Gineen. The reason we were trying to help you make changes is because you were posting your insecurity with your relationship with Gabe and your desire to make changes. If you have now decided that it is acceptable - it is your life to live. We all care about you and want you to be happy and not to accept less than you deserve. But we don't live at your house and only know what you tell us.
Wishing you much happiness this Christmas and in the coming year!
Barb
And I sincerely appreciate it. I get down sometimes because things aren't the way I wanted them to be, but then I realize I'm just being unrealistic. I know what real life is and it's no dream!
Yes, I get envious of what I see other people have. Openly loving and demonstrative R's where there is no doubt of how the other person feels. The thought of being 'taken care of' even if that is only for a few minutes. It's just a nice dream but totally not like real daily life.
Gabe does those things sometimes. It's far fewer and far between that I would like but again...I'm being totally unrealistic.
There are changes I would like to make, wouldn't we all? There just is a time to decide to grow up and no wish so darned much for so darned much. Life is to live in the now, not wishing for something you can't have. That just leads to more depression, at least in my case.
So....no one answered! What are your plans for Christmas? What are your traditions? Are you initiating something new this year?
Christmas plans: We are hosting a drop in Christmas Party for the first time in our new town. We look forward to that. My children are coming up here on the 22 and 23 (Ashley has to work the w/e). So they will be here for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning as will Josh although his parents will be staying at his house as his relatives gather in Toronto (from Quebec and Philly).
Christmas day we go separate ways - Ryan goes into respite, the kids and I go to Niagara where we have dinner with all my family and sleep over at Ashley's. Josh heads to Toronto for dinner with his family. (Its just the way we have to do it this year). On Boxing Day (Canadian holiday the day after) I will be visiting my best girlfriends and probably go to the movies, dinner out and gift exchange then I have to drive to Toronto to be with Josh and get Brandon home as he works the next day.
I will spend 3 nights in Toronto with Josh and his family - we will be celebrating his and his twin sister's 50th birthdays on the 28 (the same day my ex turns 60). Josh's dad is hosting a big party at a restaurant for the twins - that will be nice.
We have a nice dinner out planned for New Year's Eve but we will be home early so Ryan's nurse can leave. We're good with that - find the holidays tiring anyway.
So that's it - I have never been away from home that much at Christmas but I will cope.
Barb
WOW!!!! That is busy busy busy!!! Sounds like lots of fun though.
Josh's birthday is the same day as your ex's? How bizarre is that? What were the odds?
Since the divorce, I have been buying a real tree again. I don't use my old decorations as so many of them were in memory of our special moments. I usually will get some tinsel and beads. I have a few new ornaments to add on to the tree...cardnials that I picked up in a little shop after we had a regional meeting for work and then a few my aunt bought me too!
kat
The new boyfriend went to see his parents in AZ for Thanksgiving, so he's around for Christmas, I've invited him to whatever family stuff I end up doing, but I won't be traveling more than 30 minutes any direction, so it'll be nice and low key. Christmas morning, my plan is to be at my house in pajamas with a fire lit, make breakfast, maybe watch The Hogfather.
Mish: When I first met Josh and he told me his birthday - I told him I couldn't go out with him. LOL. Good thing I changed my mind. Yes - kind of creepy. But the weird thing is - my kids will probably be in Toronto to celebrate Josh's birthday - they will not be with their dad. Sad how that has worked out.
Barb
Kat, I think it's really nice to be creating all new Christmas traditions for you and the kids. I did that too. I donated all the ornaments that I had sentimental attachments to (except Marc's baby ornaments of course) and started over. I don't pack ornaments on like I used to because I don't need to. Now my tree is all ice blue, silver, and crystal. It makes me happy to look at it.
Michelle....um, hold the phone! New boyfriend? What have I missed?????? I didn't know there was a new BF in the picture! Do tell!!!!! Nice that you will get to spend Christmas together and are staying close to home. PJ's and a fire is a perfect way to spend Christmas day. That's what I do too. What is The Hogfather?
Mish: Blue, Silver & Crystal is gorgeous! You will have to post a photo on FB. You can see mine there - mostly teal and silver and the pic of my whole fam damily in their pjs from last Christmas.
New traditions and decorations are not always bad. We all need changes. It's what makes us happy that counts.
OK - back to the cleaning & wrapping. And crafting - a bit of crafting today! YEAH!
Barb
Mish, she has pics of him on the alt. If I remember right his name is Shannon. I think she has been keeping so busy she rarely has time to come spill the beans!! LOL
kat
I've been way behind in the alt. I need to catch up badly.
Tsk tsk Mishka! He's in my profile pic on my DB and regular accounts!
I didn't realize that was him in your pic. I saw you in a pic dancing with a man but I missed the description of him as your boyfriend! You have lots of guy friends so I think I just assumed he was one of them. So happy he's more than that.
You are definitely right, I do have a lot of guy friends.
And a few months ago that description would have fit perfectly, I've known him (from dancing) for almost 7 years.
Ahhh.....that explains it! Fun to have a BF who shares one of hobbies you love.
Gotta get out of my head! I'm going to drive myself absolutely crazy!!! ARGH!