I haven't been on in a long time, several months.
Most of that time I have felt like I was moving forward...but this Holiday season has really sent me back.
Just to fill you in. December 2005. I found out my husband was involved in a 2 1/2 year long, long distant affair. He only told me because the girlfriend threatened to tell me herself. He broke things off with her immediately and we tried to work on our marriage. In may 2008, 1 week after finishing breast cancer treatment my STBX told me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I went right back into survivor mode, if I even left it, and tried to save my marriage. We went to counselling about 3 times before he stopped, and therefore I did too. He stayed for 2 more years almost exactly. In this time I would see things that would give me hope that we were moving in the right direction.
In May of 2010, he told me he again he wasn't happy and we should think about divorce. Again I was devistated. He never told me he already had met with a lawyer or had divorce papers written up, I only found this out after he had me served at my work on July 13, 2010. Up untill this day we were still living as a family, eating dinners together, sleeping in the same bed, ect. He even took us on a spur of the moment family trip to an amusement park the Friday before he had me served. I was totally shocked to be Served. That was the last day he lived here. He never slept here again. He came over a night or 2 later and told the girls took some stuff and that was that. To say were all in shock was an understatement.
He said he was living with work friends.only months later did I learn that he was having a affair with a co worker and they were living together. As of this past summer the 2 of them have purchased a home together. He moved an hour away.
Currently we are still not divorced. I am living in our home with our daughters. He visits them once a week for a couple of hours. They have only been to his house 1 time when they were driving by it, he stopped to show it to them. The girl friend was not there, although they have met her briefly 1 time.
I remain extremely close to his mother and his family. I think this is part of the reason of my recent set back. Untill a month ago he has not It introduced the girlfriend to anyone from his family. I recently found out that there has been a meeting with the girlfriend and his parents a couple of weeks ago. My MIL did not tell because she didn't want to hurt me. And my ex didn't tell me. He took my youngest out to dinner, told her and she filled me in. My mother in law did tell me the meeting was awkward. And now my MIL is having the EXand the girlfriend up for new years dinner and she will meet my BIL and his wife and kids.
I know all of this was inevitable. But it still hurts. Hurts real bad.
Here is this woman my ex has been having an affair with for who knows how long, years probably. Probably since the first time he wanted to leave and now they are just going to accept her. If I look back at things I see things I probably choose to ignore, I am sure now this affair has been going on long before he left.
Ughh !! I know I just have release all of my anger and move on. I need to get back to the basics of GAL. I need to start over TODAY.
In the past 5 months I have lost 40 pounds, have started exercising and in 2012 I want to do my first ever 5k. So while I think I have made some positive changes in my life. I need to keep moving in the right direction. Even through everything I have been through with my EX I still can not get him out of my head. What the heck is wrong with me ?
Thanks for letting me ramble on. I am hoping getting back on here and journally and hopefully getting some words back from others in similar situations will help me clear my head and help me let go.
Thanks, Shelby.
In the past 5 months I have lost 40 pounds, have started exercising and in 2012 I want to do my first ever 5k. So while I think I have made some positive changes in my life. I need to keep moving in the right direction. Even through everything I have been through with my EX I still can not get him out of my head. What the heck is wrong with me ?
I'm sorry for your bad experiences. That's a significant weight loss! Good job...although I don't recommend that diet! (loss of appetite due to stress). That's a good goal...5K! Losing your weight and getting regular exercise are positive changes. Folks here will help keep you moving in the right direction. You're gonna have to learn to 'detatch' and 'let go'. People here can help you with that. Nothing's wrong with you...other than you've been through some bad stuff, and are still going through it, and are hurt because of it.
Shelby -
I didn't want my divorce either, after 24 years together. And I had a somewhat similar story - ex's affair, reconciliation (although a true reconciliation, with some wonderful years together) then down the rabbit hole again.
At one point after he finally left, though, I read this quote:
"Let go or be dragged"
My hair was falling out from the stress, and I stopped and thought - is this how I want to live my life?
So I let go. And you know what? My life today is SOOO much better. I have come to realize that so much of my life's energy was being expended on trying to make things "ok" for him. And the men I have dated since my divorce LOVE those things about me that my ex used to criticize! My current boyfriend is handsomer, younger, and most importantly, has a kinder heart than my ex.
Your health crisis has shown you how unpredictable life can be - given that, don't you want to be LIVING EVERY MOMENT? Don't waste another precious moment on him or his weakness. Get out there and enjoy your life! Make an exciting new one! Tackle new things! (I learned to play the drums in a rock band
)
As for the family - it's the sad truth that blood is thicker than water, and they are stuck trying to find some way to continue a relationship with him. Be grateful that they have been as close to you as they have (none of my in-laws reached out to me except my MIL and one cousin - and I was close to them and in the family for 24 years!) It's uncomfortable for everybody.
You know, you lived my big fear - I always felt that my ex would not be there for me if I had a major health trauma like breast cancer. But the first boyfriend that I had after the divorce (now an ex, because his old college sweetheart showed up - who can blame him? - but still one of my best friends) - well, I know that if I got some terminal illness, HE would totally be there if I needed him. And my current boyfriend is taking good care of his mom who has a health problem - a good sign.
Write a new script for an exciting life. And get that divorce done so you can make sure you get everything you deserve financially.
That's a pretty kick-ass post kml!
Thanks you, antler. Detaching is my first goal of 2012 !!!
Thank you Kml, I definetaly need to let go. I think the family resisted for as long as they could in meeting the girlfriend. I knew it was inevitable and I thought I would be better prepared for it when it happened. I guess I was not. I did spend thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, because he went and spent it with her family. I was grateful for that and realize that those may have been the last 2 major holidays I spent with his family. His family is and has been much more of a family to me thani own family. I feel like I am losing more than a husband, I am losing my family. His mom is trying to be reassuring that I could not be replaced in the family, it will just be different now as far as family functions, where he will be invited.
Tonight the girls and I have actually been invited to his step-sisters house to celebrate the birthday of her triplets. We are going, he wasn't invited, not that he would go anyway. And Sunday we are going to his aunts house to celebrate the new year and his moms birthday, again, he wasn't invited. So, yes, I see they are trying to keep me involved with the family. I guess I will have to wait and see how things go the more the start to involve her too.
Thanks again !!
Soooo...what are your dreams? What is something you always wanted to do? What does your dream future look like?
Remember - living well is the best revenge.
Shelby, so sorry you're having a rough time. Christmas sometimes s@cks for people like us. Here's a poem I wrote back when I was going through a rough time. The poems message is to stay the course. Things will get better, you'll think of him less and less. Be kind to yourself, when you find yourself thinking about him, acknowledge you're doing it and let it go...and, again, be kind to yourself. Thoughts are just that, thoughts. They come and they go. Anyway, here's the poem.
Stay!
Is there impatience?
Stay!
A mind that is weary?
Stay!
Is resentment taking over?
Stay!
A heart may be breaking
Stay!
What am I doing here?
Stay!
Is there an exit nearby?
Stay!
I can’t stand another minute!
Stay!
Come, roll over, sit up.
Stay!
I have nothing left inside.
Stay... anyway!
I hope it helps you in some way
You sound like an amazing person! You've survived a major health crisis, a long term infidelity and now you are taking care of your kids by yourself. I totally understand having thoughts about the ex you don't want. I still have to redirect my thoughts way more than I would like. But its gotten better, each day it has gotten better.
As far as the ex's family, you are the mother of his children so there is still a connection. It won't be the same but everyone including you will eventually adjust.
Thanks whatisis ! Great poem. I get the message. I will read it whenever I am feeling weak.
Thank you, mainemom1. I had a little talk with myself yesterday. Told myself I do not want this man he has become, in my life. Time to move on from what could have been and what once was and start my own life.
Yeah, easier said than done, but it made me feel better for a little bit. I survived yesterday better than I thought I would. When I knew it was about the time he was at his moms house with the girlfriend and she was meeting the brother and his family for the first time. I was in the car alone, I had myself a nice good cry, then dried my tears and went home to my daughters. I just had a thought... He always sits in the same seat at the table, I wonder if she say in my usual chair. Oh boy, I am sounding crazy again. Haha ! It was just a thought, doesn't mean anything either way.
Later today my Girls and I are going to his aunts house to celebrate the new year and his moms birthday. His brother and family will be there. Just another random thought here...as close as I am with his family, maybe it is actually more of a problem as far as keeping the pain around, maybe it is time for me to start distancing myself from them a little. Well now that the holidays are over that will naturally happen. I don't want to lose them, but maybe it's not healthy to remain so connected with them. I'm not sure yet. Definitely something for me to think about.
Here's to a beautiful 2012 for all of us !!!
Shelby,
Ellie (kml) gave you some excellent advice. Live well, cherish and celebrate life! You deserve it.
I had to deal with simliar issues with my D and rarely see or speak to my ex's family anymore. I was there with him for 16 years and even helped take care of his mom through hospice and was there the morning when she passed. I keep up with them a little here and there through Facebook, but that's about it. It hurt at first, but I am used to it now.
You will always be connected because of the children, but you're going to be okay if you are not as close to them. If you can find a way to be around his family and not hurt, then enjoy the time with them. It's a fine balance and certainly understandble if you put some distance there. Just remember that you'll always be connected, and if they want to remain close, I hope you can find a way to do that.
I know the holidays are still hard on me, with my kids bouncing back and forth like ping pong balls, but I do my best to keep busy and each year it gets a little easier for me.
Happy New Year!
New Sunrise, New beginning...I am ready to get 2012 started.
Thanks MAL.
I had a lot of fun yesterday hanging out with his family and celebrating the new year. I wanted to ask how it went with them meeting the girlfriend for the first time the day before, but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut and kept the conversation light and fun....for the most part....I did bring up something negative the EX said to my daughter, to my MIL. I immediately wished I didn't say anything and quickly covered over it. I have to remember that no matter how close our relationship is she is HIS mother.
Today, half of me wants to appologize to her about it. And the other half is saying relax it was no big deal, and move on. and from this time forward keep my feeling about her son to myself.
I sometimes obsess about the stupid stuff, that I think most people wouldn't give another thought too. I guess that's something else I need to work on in 2012.
It sounds like it all went well and you did great. So maybe you had the one little "ooops" but you caught it and learned from it. Good job!
I tend to obsess too, so I can relate to that. I'm working on that right now as a matter of fact. If you figure it out, let me know? lol
Not sure what to think....
The STBX was over to visit and take out the Girls on Saturday. When they got back he kind of hung around for a little. He asked if he could have something hanging in the hallway to take to his new home with his GF. It was pretty much his anyways, so I said take it.
While he's following me around he starts telling me how he still cares about me, how he still "loves" me. When I looked at him
Like he was crazy he said "why else would I still be taking care of everything"
(He is still paying all the bills.) I have lost about 50 pounds in the last several
Months, he told me how great I am looking and even implied he would like to have sex with me. WTH ! Then he asks if I have had sex yet, he knows I am not in a relationship. That was too much, I acted like I didn't hear that and walked away. End of conversation !!
Just very strange. I don't know what to think. He said all of that. But then through in how the divorce will be final July 13th...that's the day I was served papers and had to sign them. We have done no work on the divorce. I guess after 2 years it becomes final.
Anyways what would you make about all those comments, the I still care, I still love you. The sex talk ?
Is he just trying to butter me up, keep me on his good side ? Is he having second thoughts ? Or is he just one confused man ? I sure know I am now, I don't know what to think after this last conversation.
Thanks, Shelby.
He is just one confused man. Would you really want to be with him?
My ex told me he will always love me. Yet he was nasty as hell to me and lived with OW from the beginning. He did NOTHING as far as getting a divorce and was horrible in mediation (my lawyer said he has never seen worse). He paid no bills. Yet - if I had said "let's have sex" - he'd have jumped into bed in a nano second. Because it was always his fantasty to have 2 women - even if they weren't together. He did this for a while before I knew about OW. I ended up with a STD (fortunately curable). Nice huh?
My question is simple - Is this a man you would actually want to be with?
You are lucky he is paying the bills. Mine wouldn't contribute a dime to me or the 3 kids without a court order and even then - it was tough to get anything out of him. yet he sports a new BMW and is taking fancy vacations.
Sorry - this was not supposed to be about me. I just found so many things in what you wrote - typical of MLC guys. Let him spin. If he is with OW - leave him be.
Barb
Thanks. No I would not want him back. I'm just really confused by his recent behavior.
My ex has been living with his GF as soon as he left too.
They did purchase a new home together last summer.which has me thinking....Last year we did the taxes together since we are still legally married.
When he over the other day he said we should do them separated this year. I am Begining to wonder if it is because he is trying to keep the new home out of it. He told me before he put no money on it she did. And her name is on it not his, I don't believe him because I was getting mail delivers to my house with his name on it saying "congratulations on your new home"
I think he his trying to hide the new home from me ? I don't know ?
My ex also did that! Unbelievable how they can all be "text book". We had a mortgage with his name still on it. He told me OW bought the house. His brother told me differently.
We were married 25 years, together 30. He changed into someone we did not recognize and still don't - 10 years later.
They will lie and cheat everyone and everything to get what they want.
Barb
The STBX was here earlier to take the DD's out for dinner. The oldest didn't want to go at all, and didn't go. My youngest did go out with him, she came back and she said all he talked about was making her feel bad and pressuring her to come down to his new home where he lives with the Girlfriend.
He moved an hour away. I need to update my signature, my daughters are 16 & 13 now. They don't know her. They don't want to go there.
I don't know if I should keep my mouth shut or if I should send him a message and tell him That..... I know the Girls are getting more difficult in their teenage years, but I don't think pressuring them and making them feel guilty will help. This is the life he chose, not the life they chose to live.
Any suggestions ? Should I keep quiet or speak up ?
"I don't know if I should keep my mouth shut or if I should send him a message and tell him That..... I know the Girls are getting more difficult in their teenage years, but I don't think pressuring them and making them feel guilty will help. This is the life he chose, not the life they chose to live.
Any suggestions ? Should I keep quiet or speak up ?"
In the context of you both being D, think about how you broach this topic so as not to antagonize. Because you know your ex will probably feel like he is being maligned.
It is a delicate balancing act, I would think. Maybe say something about the D's loving their father but are not yet ready to move into the next phase of his R with a person other than their mom.
I don't know, kind of dicey situation that could get aggravated if not handled with care.
Sorry, its the best advice I've got.
I have dealt with a similar situation as my ex married his affair partner. The stance I have taken is that the relationships he has or doesn't have are between him and the kids.
My oldest has very little to do with him. My 16 year old does do something's but refuses to go every other weekend to their house. Ex makes the girls go all the time that the agreement dictates. They have a love hate relationship with him.
I am there to listen and offer advice. If he asks for my take on something, I may let him know but make sure I am tactful. No reason to try and keep rehashing what happened, that is done. So for the last few years I have worked on getting the kids and I to a good place. Take what you have now and move forward.
kat
Sorry Shelby...it's embarrassing...wonder what the OW would think hearing it?
It just makes me go....ugh!
The STBX when he left he moved right in with this Girlfriend. They bought a new home together last summer. My girls have been there once when she wasnt home, they were on their way home one day and he stopped there for 20 minutes to show them where he moved. They only met the GF one time for a couple of minutes. My oldest said she felt forced and didn't want to meet her.
When the ex was making may youngest feel bad last night for not wanting to spend time at his new home. He told her that the GF said that if she came she would stay away from her because she knows how it is.
Not sure what to think of that. It could be genuinie or it could be my ex manipulating my daughter by making her feel guilty.
the worst part of D is the kids getting caught in the cross fire, grrr. He should not be pressuring her and do bring it up, calmly letting him know that your daughter has to be ready on her time.
Regardless he might blame you, I got blamed when my kids acted up when he was married to mega-hag long ago, he thought I made them act that way to get back at him (phluase! as if he mattered more than my kids, these men are full of themselves). When you bring it up don't use the word "you" too much and keep it neutral... poor girls, dealing with his messes.
And about him hitting on you, as if! jerk, if he does that again ask him if what's-her-name knows you are doing it... he just wants his cake and eat it too, ignore that crazy man.
Well, I hate to tell you this - but it never gets better. But eventually - your ex MIGHT get the message - that's all.
My ex left over 10 years ago and moved in then eventually married his affair partner. My children (then in their teens) wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. And still don't. And could not be forced to.
My son met her once. The night he realized she was living with his dad and he confronted them both. It was BAD!!! He won't go near their house and their dad knows in no uncertain terms that she is never to be around him.
My daughter was turning 13 when he left. We tried to protect her from "the truth". Then dickhead ex just let it slip one day. She was heartbroken but also refused to be near "maggot". (ow).
Ex has always insisted that I influenced the kids in their decision to not have a R with her. Never gave them any credit for having the intelligence or the right to make up their own minds.
Ex took D to his house on a visit one night after he had bought it - told her no one else would be there. She told me she was uncomfortable. Then another time he insisted she stay there while he fixed her car but that maggot would be at work. Again - she was uncomfortable. Recently he was extremely ill and is semi disabled at present so she went there to visit him (he agreed that maggot would not be around). She told me it was strange to her and uncomfortable with photos of her and her brothers in the room and some of her childhood home decor pieces around. She doesn't want to go back again any time soon.
Continue to support your daughter's in the choices they make. Let them tell their dad how the feel. Ignore the stupid things he says.
Last year my son told me his dad talked to him about moving fwd and leaving all the crap in the past and that he wanted him and his sister (other son is severely disabled and can't make the choice) to accept them and even to have holiday dinners there on occasion. I told son that it was his choice and I would support his decision no matter what he decided. He just laughed and said "No way!!". Although he feels some guilt about not spending much time with his dad.
It is SO difficult. But the kids did not choose this any more than we did. All we can do is love them and be there for them.
I think my ex is finally starting to realize the mess he made.
Barb
Venting.
STBX Is going to Orlando for 10 days. Says its for work but then staying extra days to have fun. Yes his "troll" is going and probably her daughter. They took her daughter to Vegas with them last year when they went.
It just gets me how he doesn't have a care in the world. Just packs up and goes wherever and whenever he wants. Doesn't have to worry about his own daughters and arraigning their schedules, doesn't have to plan ahead of time.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much. If I want to go out for a night with friends I have to make sure the Girls are okay. Arrange all of our schedules. Ect.
He leaves today...the funny thing is he came to see them yesterday. Only my youngest would go out with him and even she put up a fight about it. But then he takes her out shopping and spends all this money on her. Even though he is always complaining how broke he is. He's either feeling very guilty or trying to make the oldest jealous because she won't go with him.
Or both.
Ugh !! Orlando was always our "family" thing. Disney every other year with the Girls . We even had a Disney honeymoon. Maybe that is why this is bothering me so much.
Sitting here watching TV while I am in a medical leave from work and I pass by the show "Cheaters" I know I shouldn't watch it. It brings up to many painful memories of that time in my life.
It leaves me with the questions that I know I will never get the answers too. How many affairs were there ? How many girlfriends ? This last girlfriend, the one he moved in with after he had me served. How long was this going on...Months, years. I am leaning towards years. As I look back on the last years. I think it was years when I put the prices together. It still hurts like it was yesterday.
I was going to send him this. Decided I will
Do it here instead. I know I will never get the answers anyways. And really what difference would it make now ? I don't know maybe it would maybe it wouldn't !
I could just scream. Our nice quiet evening at home( me and my Girls ) just got interrupted By the STBX. Calls up here, on my cell, I don't know why he didn't call them on their own phone, telling them he has to know NOW if they are going to go on vacation this summer with him and the girlfriend. Because its $600. More to get the place with the extra room. I just hate the way he calls here pressuring them. The youngest is fine going, but the oldest is unsure. They have met the girlfriend for all of 10 minutes one time last summer. This is a stranger to them.
He says they need to be pressured, Because he has been with her for 2 years now. I understand it's been a while, I personally think he's been with her long before he left me. But they don't want to spend a whole week with her. He tells me if they don't come this week they won't get any vacation time from him this year. WTF. HE DRIVES ME CRAZY !!
They don't think they have done anything wrong...even years later. The relationship he has with them is between them and their Dad. His blackmail tactics will catch up with him eventually. Keep being their support and they will see things as they are.
kat
Kat, Thank you !! I know you are right. It hurts to see the Girls struggling because they don't want to go, but will probably agree too because of the guilt he is giving them.
Ugh. So they both decided to go. Admittedly under pressure. I expected that they would go. Even encouraged it, only a little. LOL. But I did tell them to go and have fun. But it still hurts. This will be their first vacation with her and really the first time meeting her. Since they only met once before for 10 minutes a year ago. Now they all will be spending a week together.
Oh and get this on the timing. The vacation is going to happening on the week our divorce becomes final. How ironic !!
Luckily I already have a couple things planned for that week to keep me busy. I have my first 5k I already registered for and then I have a Roger Waters concert on the last day of their vacation.
I'm sure I will make it through this. Just being the first time wil
Make it a rough one.
Hi Shelby,
I totally understand the way you feel. I have lived through my ex running off with ow after a long time cheating and my kids wanted nothing to do with it all. So he never had my daughter (my son's were legal age at the time he left) overnight or for a visit or anything. I knew she was missing out on a lot so during our divorce negotiations I said that I thought he should take the kids on vacation (he was complaining about feeling ostracized by them). I even offered him to use our family cottage (which I was maintaining and bought out from him in the divorce. He very clearly stated "NOT WITHOUT MAGGOT"! (pet name for ow). Then he NEVER made plans.
So nearly 11 years have gone by. He has gone on lush vacations (currently he is heading to Russia) but not once has he taken his children.
So the kids have missed out. And now tell me they wish they had a better R with him (they do see him a few times a year and he did see Ashley once or twice a month in her teen years). He wants them to come for a holiday dinner (Thanksgiving or something) and I tell them that they have to do what is right for them. And they tell me NO - they will NOT accept her - the woman who broke up their family. So it never ends for them.
I think your kids should go. I don't think they should miss out on time with their father. Sometimes I think the way the OP is around the kids is enough to make the R fall apart. Or maybe they will like her. Let's hope that they do (for their own comfort).
I was proud that my kids took a stand and although I did not push them - I was happy they chose NOT to have a R with OW. But listening to my son struggle over it now is different. It makes me think that maybe I should have encouraged them to be with them together.
Be happy for your girls getting this chance to go on vacation. They can figure out for themselves whether they want to go again based on this first time.
But I REALLY do understand how you feel.
Barb
what a sham of a man... thoughtless as anyone I know... some people think you should just flip a switch and feel all better about it.
Have the girls gone to a C? if not, now is the time, I highly recommend it, this way the C can help them deal with this. I personally think it is immoral to live with someone, but it would be good for the girls to accept what is, and that they see past what their dad has done and to not feel guilty to go, perhaps they don't want to hurt your feelings and that's another reason for them not to want to be with their dad, out of loyalty for you.
Thanks !
I've been thinking of getting them
Into counseling. I am. But I know they would fight me on it.
Today I am losing my mind.
For some reason I am really missing him today. And I am half tempted to see if there is any last minute thing I could say or do to get him to change his mind. Maybe let him know how I still didn't want this. Ask him if he is really happy now. I don't know ? He does hit on me occasionally. Out it out there that I miss him and I am still interested.
And then the other half me wants to slap myself and say come on...he cheated on you a couple of times, long term. He is a liar, a cheat. And why would I want any man that could tell you one week after finishing cancer treatment he wants a divorce ?
Ugh I needy head examined !!!
I have no confidence left. (The divorce will be final In 2 months. At least I think it will, he had me served and I had to sign, and it will be 2 years in July. He hasn't moved the divorce forward in any way since that day. ) in that I haven't even talked to another man.
I need a vacation !!
Ummm....wait. He served you with papers but NOTHING else has been done? What about the financials? Have you seen an attorney? PLEASE don't just sit there without seeing an attorney and making sure you are getting a reasonable financial deal out of this divorce.
And then the other half me wants to slap myself and say come on...he cheated on you a couple of times, long term. He is a liar, a cheat. And why would I want any man that could tell you one week after finishing cancer treatment he wants a divorce ?
Ugh I needy head examined !!!
Yes - you do! What does your therapist think about this? Do you have some idea of why you would cling to such an unsuitable man?
I saw a lawyer right after I was served. The ex. Has been paying ALL the bills. And my lawyer said "do not rock the boat" as long as he continued to do this. Because I am making out better this way then i will be if he pushed things along financially, and in these 2 years he has never made another move on the divorce.
I do see a therapist. I'm strong most of the time. Just having a weak moment today, I guess because I know things will be coming final soon.
Deep down I know I could never be with him again even if he wanted. I would be forever looking over my shoulder.
Well then, time to talk to the lawyer again and find out. I would think you couldn't be divorced without a financial agreement of some sort at least in the works, but there are some weird states out there. Once the divorce is final it can be hard to get the WAS to come to the negotiating table to hammer out the financials. So just find out where you stand - it may be, since your H has done nothing, that the filing will just expire and no divorce will happen. But find out - knowledge is power.
My bomb drop was about the same time as yours but my exh moved it along much faster. We were divorced August 2011. I'm happy now he did. I've heard he is spending money like water and is basically not the person I thought I knew. As far as I can see it this would have eventually affected my settlement. He may not have been a serial cheater and he hid it while we were still married, it eventually came out that he had been seeing the OW before the divorce. Months before the divorce, at least, possibly longer. He denies it but I have enough evidence to convince me if no one else. I have thought about standing but its not worth it. I did stupid stuff to try to change his mind but ended up hurting myself instead. Even if it is a MLC, its still him doing it and I refuse to deal with it anymore.
I wrestled with the thought of making one last great speech to get XW back. I didn't do it and now two years later I learned that she was dating someone most of '09 and into '10. They are back together now so I saved some semblance of pride.