Hello, all,
It's been a very long time since I last posted here in these old haunts, and more than year since I started a thread.
I am more at peace with myself with each passing day. I appreciate being single and spending time with my children and with friends. But I still do not have a positive relationship with the ex, at all. Not entirely negative, but we only seem to tolerate each other. xW continues to make jabs at me, and I have gotten good at not letting it phase me, at least outwardly. I just shrug off her occasional displays of pettiness and contempt for me and move onward. And she seems to be slowly getting the message I don't care one whit about such games anymore.
I have been struggling, however, with a very difficult employer, a big corporation that seems to work very hard to be the embodiment of every negative stereotype seen in comic strips and other media. For the last three years I have been working on various phases of a project to consolidate business units and collapse operating units into a centrally controlled structure. I've been with the employer for nearly ten years, tolerating the rising and falling tides of insanity that have pervaded this company, under the pretense of stability and a decent benefits package (though the salary itself stinks.) Basically, I put up with this for the sake of my two small boys, whom I share 50-50 legal custody of with their walk-away mother. I have been looking for other employment opportunities for years, but none have surfaced in this geographic area. Leaving my current employer would basically mean having to relocate. And having to reallocate would mean giving up on 50-50 custody -- I'd lose my kids, because xW would use this to get her wish, which is to cut me out entirely from their lives.
Well, if you couldn't guess where this is going, here it is. My employer has determined they are going to restructure my own department. In other words I've gotten my proverbial "two weeks notice". At this point I have one week from today, Nov. 3rd, and after that I am out the door, laid off. They have encouraged me to seek for and apply for new positions being offered internally to the company, but they're moving most of these jobs up north, three states away. Even our managers are being forced, eventually, to reapply for their own positions. The bottom-line is they want us to relocate to where the new regional director is now based.
Despite all the assurances that everyone would still have a seat at the end of this long merger process, the third phase of which we completed just this very Sunday, by-the-way, apparently we've been fed a line all along. I shouldn't be surprised, I guess.
I and another person in our group from another office were the first to be given the ultimatum. The other person, an older lady, has decided its time for her to retire. (I wish I could retire.) Other folks from various other departments are also sweating bullets; who's next they wonder.
So I am praying and thinking and looking hard to see if there's some chance the market here would support me. It's still pretty bleak. I was hoping in this last week to have lined something up before I had to start giving the bad news to folks, like the ex.
I haven't yet breathed a word to the ex or to my kids. Part of me feels I should, but another part of me says not yet. I know xW will likely take some drastic measures once she hears I am losing my job, like taking me back to court to sue for full custody, knowing I would no longer have the resources to defend myself. It be a cinch for her to win, especially if I have to relocate just to have an income. She still harbors so much mindless hatred for me, such that I pity her sometimes. It's so senseless, but it's there -- and I know she will take foolish measures because of it. Even if she knows how it harms our sons.
So, when do I tell her? It is a financial matter, one that will have impact on our children, at least until I can land another job and gain eligibility for insurance and other benefits again.
But on the other hand xW is not my spouse anymore either. And she never said a word to me before she up and changed jobs three years ago during the separation (and she was still legally married to me at the time even). She felt that was none of my business back then. Somehow I doubt she'll think my own business is even remotely private.
Perhaps I should wait until the last day of employment, being next Thursday, before saying anything.
Thoughts anyone?
Yuck. I dislike the minimal interactions I have to have with my very agreeable ex over our college age children - so I can just imagine the pit in your stomach
From a practical standpoint - it sounds like your only options are:
1) Take unemployment and look for a new job locally. As crappy as the economy is, that seems pretty dicey. Do you have special skills? Sounds like you've already determined the job market in your area doesn't offer much for you? Can you downsize your living expenses in any way?
2) Take a new job with your current company and move to another state. That completely [censored] for your kids - but maybe not as much as having your dad spiral down into chronic unemployment. Is there ANY remote chance the ex could move too? Or if you have to take the move, could you envision it as a temporary, one-year exodus until you can find a new job back home?
3) Take the unemployment and move in with family until you can get a new job?
I understand your hesitation to tell the ex, but you might as well get it over with. If your job has been providing the kids' health benefits, you'll probably want to work out something to COBRA your health insurance, or if she has benefit options at her work, to change them over.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I'd advise going ahead and applying for jobs within the company - just because you apply, doesn't mean you HAVE to accept a position if one is offered. Just apply now, and worry about whether you would accept it later. Meanwhile beat the streets for jobs in your area.
That really bites Bill. Do you think you could free lance? Why am I thinking you did work with computers? Could you telecommute for your job? Maybe this is a good time to think outside of the box and create a job you could enjoy.
Of course you will have to tell her but you have a few more days as you take a deep breath and get your game plan in place.
Hugs, kat
Hi, El, and Hi, Kat,
((((HUGS)))))
I've got 23 years experience in the IBM midrange systems development field. It's a market that IBM has not promoted well in the last dozen years or more, and has fallen off considerably. The work is usually good and steady when you can find it. IF you can find it. And in this area, the Research Triangle of NC, IBM had never really adequately pushed their midrange platform as in other areas.
For a long time now, I have needed to broaden my horizons a little more, metaphorically speaking.
I am confident that I would not have much difficulty finding work in other geographic areas while staying in this diminished IT niche. But relocation sort of defeats much of the purpose. And I have considered going back into consulting (the days for freelance have been over since the early 90's, I'm afraid, ever since the tax laws changed to make it so prohibitive.) But consulting/contracting is usually quite unstable work for someone with kids, and it often means traveling distances to serve the client's needs. Telecommuting is still the exception rather than the rule, even in IT, sadly -- employers and clients still want to keep you close at hand.
I told xW by mobile phone this morning, while the boys were occupied in another room (gotta' love Saturday morning cartoons.) She seemed outwardly composed, taking it in stride. We discussed the local market and prospects. I've got a first-step telephone interview with an HR person on Monday, for a local firm. I've also been talking with a headhunter. And I've been trying to network. We discussed insurance coverage and the like. We ended it with me telling her that I wanted things BAU with the boys until we know otherwise. I would keep her informed how things start gelling or not.
I got the facts out in front of her, and she didn't seem to have any extreme reaction, that I could tell of. That does't mean she isn't right this very second going out and taking measures out of panic or opportunity. But I can't help what she does with this beyond what I've already done anyway. (Couldn't keep her from overreacting when we were together, so it's certainly not possible now.)
All in all, after I have exhausted everything with in my power to do and made every effort with what abilities I have, it is in God's hands.
And I am extremely grateful that even though the economy is about the worst I've ever seen, at least we don't have all the extreme panic and uncertainty everyone was facing ten years ago when I was last laid off, right after 9-11!
<shiver>
I appreciate your words of advice and commiseration, friends. Thanks for your responses.
Hey NCB...
Knock on wood I don't have the job just yet, but I just got head hunted last week for a local job from a distant corp office.
My sitch is a bit different since I was consulting as a SAHD for the prior 8 yrs and just happened to be free and available.
So the point is, it COULD happen for you...
I'm on Monster and Linkdin and I know there's a few other pro networks that you might consider registering with. I got picked from Monster. Also, try temp agencies that deal with tech and executives. You might have to take a bit of a pay cut, but it could help you stay local and get your foot in a new door... maybe even a career shift...
I have seriously considered moving out of province and will if I have to, but I will remain where I am to keep the kids closer unless absolutely impossible. And for me, that means taking ANYTHING that can keep a paycheck coming and lets me take care of my kids...
As far as telling the ex, AFAIC it is none of her business. Well, mine is still a stbxW but never the less, it is none of her business, IMHO...
I understand it is financial so you feel you must tell her. And really, she'll probably find out anyhow. Still, your finances are now your business. The ONLY reason it should be her business is IF you are unable to maintain the 50/50 custody arrangement. Is there anything in the D decree that would suggest you need to tell her about a decrease in earnings?
Anyhow, again... my opinion is the only time I contact my W is in regards to custody arrangements that might need to be changed...
HTH
We just had a lady yesterday that came into our building that is working like 3 or 4 free lance jobs. I imagined she got laid off snd is doing what she has to so she can get by. It will be really precarious for me in a couple of years so already trying to plan ahead.
Think outside the box and see what you can make happen.
kat
Oh snd my brother was working for a small business fixing computers and the such. The guy decides to retire and fold the business. My brother is striking out on his own. So far so good.
NCB,
Try dice.com as well. It is for technology professionals.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but am glad that you did tell your ex. It was the right thing to do if health insurance was a consideration. It just shows that you are taking the high road and doing what is right. It is very tempting to just treat them the way that they treat us....and takes a lot of strength to just do the right thing.
Take care and good luck!!!
I'm no legal expert. But to make a change, wouldn't she have to hire a lawyer, file a motion and then leave it up to a judge. I imagine judge's see this all the time and I doubt she'd automatically win.
As long as you are living up to what's in the agreement then the judge is unlikely to change it. That's what my attorney told me. Just do what it says and if she wants to change it the burden will be on her to prove why there has to be a change. Judges, I've been told, are very unlikely to disrupt schedules that are in place and working.
You've got unemployment coming, correct? That gives you a cushion to find someone. Moving away to me seems like a last resort.
My company is struggling and has had several layoffs. I was thinking of leaving after the last one and finding another job/career.
A guy I respect told me to go back to school and get a Masters. That'll take three or four years. In the interim, he told me to ride it out at my current company because I set my own schedule, leave anytime I need to pick up the girls and have four weeks of vacation.
I may make more elsewhere, but I'd give up the flexibility that allows me to see my daughters 86 percent of the days during the school year.
The time with them is worth more. If it goes well, in five years I'll have my masters and can pick and choose what I want to do. My girls will be 14 and 17 and really not want to hang with me anyway.
I vote tough it out and stay near them. You can chase money and opportunity later.
NCB,
I sent you a message from the Alt universe. I'm an IT headhunter in the NYC area. I may not have roles for you in the NC, but I can offer great tips on your resume, networking, brushing up your LinkedIn profile etc. Reach out to me and let's get your game on for a good role in NC.
---Theoden
Oh man, sorry to hear that NCB... I've been laid off for quite a while and have been freelancing... but I firmly believe that this negative thing will lead you somewhere better for you. I have the kids more time than ex and have more expenses, but so far my gigs have paid off... my prayers your way, I know it will be for the best.
I don't come here much but just wanted to know that you were doing well, take care Nc
Hi, Cat, all,
Thanks for checking in on me. And I would like to extend my warmest and deepest regards to Theoden for taking interest in my cause and for counseling me in this precarious time.
It's been an interesting two months, although not much has changed. Making the most of my "Bench time", I have been taking coursework to train and be certified in PHP web development, and that is going great.
On the job search front, I have had a couple of interviews since I last posted. The good news is that I expect an offer to be laid on the table as early as Monday (as a matter of fact. The HR director let me know yesterday to expect it.) That's good, for the most part.
My dilemma is that this particular position in question is a mixed bag of extremes. Given the current economy, the pay and benefit package should be exceptional, doing the same midrange development work I've been doing for most of my career. I certainly can't complain about that. And it sounds like they really want my skillset, very much.
The fly in the ointment is that the location is 80-90 miles away: commutable but just barely. On top of that, it's a 24 by 7 operation with on-call requirements -- representing a long distance to be called in from, especially when you have young children to care for.
So taking the job would mean an immediate end to some of my commitments elsewhere, in particular serving in the cub scouts, as leader for my youngest boy's den. And a long commute would eat up much of my day, such that it would cut into my time with my S's when they are with me every other week -- I would no longer be able to help them with homework or eat evening meals with them during the week. I know the realities are such that I might barely even have a chance to tuck them into bed at night, and then force them out the door before the crack of dawn each morning, rushing them off to before-school or daycare.
I do realize some parents do have to run such a schedule themselves, and I need to be more open-minded. But I also realize I need to balance this with the needs of my kids foremost.
One more thing nagging at me is that the prospective employer has also indicated that they are planning to change software platforms in the not-to instant future, 18 to 24 months hence, and that again means I would be facing the inevitable demise of this niche market I have been trying to find my way out of. And no, they are not using PHP, the more modern technology I have been retraining myself in on my own effort.
The xW knows about the long-distance job, and has been pressuring me to take it. Her stated reasoning is that I should go ahead and relocate to the new location which would put me only 40 minutes from her own residence. It would be more convenient for her. She admits this would mean taking the boys out of their current school, which is one of the better ones in the entire state, and she would like to put them into her mediocre school system closer to her and OM's home, just as she's been scheming to do all along anyway (big surprise).
I just can't talk to her. I listen to what she's saying but I never say what my actual take on her "suggestions" really are. I can concede some of her thoughts when I've already considered some of those points myself, but when the words come from her under the guise of "what's best for our sons", I can see through her. She's being just as self-serving as ever.
She cannot be trusted, and I still have to remember to disregard much of what she says now.
Likewise, she also commented on another possibility with an ISV four hours away in another state. If that opportunity were to pan out (which is unlikely) it would be even more ideal for my career, as it would combine the 23 years of midrange systems experience AND the PHP web development skills I am training in (built-in long-range job security, IOW). On that, she was even more strident, saying I should take that job, move out of state and leave the custody of our S's to her. Then she could arrange for me to have more "traditional" visitation with our S's every so often.
She said that I should consider this for "our S's sake" and to not be "selfish". She contends that her having more custody would be better for S7 and S11.
It got worse than that as she tried to make her case. I made no direct reply to her hard-sell, but I wasn't buying. It's all BS -- and I knew it for what it was the second she started to try to tell me that she was (again) considering home-schooling our S's. BS, woman! Lies, lies and lies, over and over again!
So, as if I hadn't figured it out before now, I realize can get no honest, selfless, good-faith advice from her quarter. I know that. <sigh>
Still, I am concerned. And thinking hard. And praying a lot.
The economy stinks. The job market in the RTP area, where I now live, is bleak (and even more-so in the city where the upcoming offer is from. It's like the only employer in that area, as it turns out.) So I'm worried nothing else will come long as good, despite the disadvantages.
But on the other hand, I've jumped at the "bird in the hand" offer many times before in my past, and those haven't quite turned out so positive either. I'm wondering if I should hold out for the right job, one with the best mix of pro's and con's, and doesn't require me sacrificing so much of my family time.
If I guess wrong, it could mean disaster. And that's where I am trying hard to make myself fully open to what God is trying to tell me. I'm trying to decipher how much of this is really my own petty fears and uncertainties in either direction, and how much of this is the Holy Spirit telling me to stay, go, rest or wait.
My priorities place my S's needs high up in precedence. Putting career ahead of my family has always lead to misery for me (QED, my D.) I do not buy into xW's insane notion that the best father for our children is an absent natural father, replaced by OM. I just need to be financially sufficient enough to be able to properly take care of my children and their particular needs.
If anyone has their own thoughts and experiences to share, I'm willing to listen.
I forget what your current job status is - unemployed? Or looking for better?
If you're unemployed, and no other hot prospects knocking on your door - I'd say take it. It will at least give you financial breathing room to look elsewhere.
As for where to live - do you own your home where you are? Or rent? If you're renting, I'd advise moving somewhere closer to the job where YOU like the school.
A 90 minute commute just isn't going to give you the time you need with the kids. Yes it's sad the kids would have to leave their familiar school, but kids do move and survive it. It would be more important that they get to be with you.
Now - if moving would affect your custody arrangement, that's another factor.
Actully you need to think about you first then the kids. What is best for you? The kids are secondary only in that if you are not good then neither are they. Wonder
First of all, do not listen to anything your X says. You are right, she is thinking of herself first. Your boys need you in their life; I already know you would never consider that option!!!
If you do take the job, I don't think you have to make a long-term commitment; but work there until you do get a job that's closer to your dream job? I mean, it sounds like they are not offering a long-term job either. Could your boys maybe attend a private or Christian school in that area if all the schools are not good? If you could find a good school, then maybe you could move closer to the job so you wouldn't have to commute so much each day? I am going to add you to my prayers...
Karen
Hi, el,
I am currently unemployed, surviving on severance pay until I can get re-established in work. I don't own, just leasing right now -- so I'm not tied to a house, per se.
But moving is not an option, not yet at least, if at all. I need to try to stay in this county, if possible, where my oldest S (the one with Asperger's) has access to good services and other resources. I've reserved relocation as a last resort, but perhaps that's not as far off as I would like.
And yes, you've hit the nail on the head -- the ex just wants to exploit my situation to jockey for better custody terms. I could practically hear the gears turning in her head as she was trying to work our how this dilemma could be used to her best advantage.
Wonder, I agree about making sure my own needs are secured as well, but to me I cannot truly separate what is best for me from what is best from my S's. I cannot exactly jettison my children to further my own career, as the ex would suggest, as that would be totally self-defeating. Instead, I have to strike a balance that best serves what I need and what my kids need.
Hi, Karen!
I have been pondering how to make the long-commute work, and how to take advantage of the offer for a short-term solution, until I can find work closer to where I am now. A stop-gap measure, IOW. Even so, because I cannot relocate just yet even if I were wanting to, I would have to start out commuting the distance, which would at the very least put an end to Scouting for me. I am thus facing the relinquishing of my duties as a den leader, which is a promise broken to S7. There are other serious changes it would require as well. I know I'm only human, but failing my kids, yet again, becomes another painful prospect.
A somewhat side note: I still find myself, particularly in times like this, wishing things had been different between xW and I, that we hadn't become caught in the ensnaring webs of our failed M and the consequences of our broken family. Instead of having a cohesive, whole family and the flexibility to make potentially life-altering decisions impacting only my own household, I am hobbled by the legal and logistical impediments from contemptuous alienating parties that I have to share custody with.
Divorce stinks, in other words. (As if that's any big surprise, right?)
But grousing about that part of it is not helpful to the real matter at hand, of course. One should only deal with those things that actually are within their power to affect, and let everything else that they cannot change be as they may. And let the past be in the past. I just need to find the most optimal solution in the face of all these less-than-ideal factors worrying my uncertain mind. To that end, I am continuing to think and to reflect and to pray, opening my heart and mind to what God is really trying to say to me.
And I am truly thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers. Thanks and love to you all.
No Code, I think I forgot (or never knew) that your oldest had Asperger's. My oldest, who will graduate from Berkeley this year, is very mildly on the Asperger's spectrum as well.
Are you so sure this other county won't have adequate services? Are there any services that would be better than an extra 2 hours a day with dad?
(And btw, make sure your child has an adequate vitamin D level, and no evidence of gluten or dairy sensitivity.)
NCB, have you looked at telecommute opportunities? I'm actually considering participating in some sourceforge projects that might offer paid contributions.
Tech jobs are low paying here and oddly hard to come by. But I'd rather take a labour job then move. In my case, I'd have to move away from my kids. Different, yes... but the motivation (kid focused) is the same...
IF you find yourself needing to move for work, have you investigated availability (and quality) of support systems in the areas that you might move to? While I can imagine that quality and availability of support varies from area to area, perhaps that could be part of your GAL (that of developing appropriate support for your son and others who may need it) in the area to which you would move...