greetings.... this is my new thread , and here I plan on journaling my latest thoughts and experiences as I start a new job, or new business, or whatever it is that God has in mind for me....
Honestly, I feel like I don't have a clue....
I started my first full day of work yesterday, and the shock and changes were rather hard to bear.
Whn you are hired to do something that you have never done much of, and even if you are assured that you are perfectly capable of doing well.. well, it can STILL be more than you can easily digest in one sitting.
SO take it in pieces, chew each one alittle, it may still be hard to swallow, but little by little you'll manage to eat that elephant.
sales may be easy for some, but it does not come easy to me... especially sales of smoething I simply don't believe in....
If I was a car salesman, and the factory was turning out a horrible product... one that I wouldn't drive myself, that wolud be a tough sale....
I work with a good photographer, but with an unenlightened firm....
my biggest challange is to change the way I think and feel about what I do. and hope that when I shoot my own images, I will see how confidant I am about them, and the customer will catch that excitement....
salespeople.. nobody likes them....
we'd all rather go to the store, shop around, make our own minds up, and then face the consequences of your choices.
sales people help us by informing us, giving us ideas, challanging and changing our perceptions, and taking our order.
If you went to a fancy restaurant and the waiter didn't have a clue about anything on the menu, you'd feel less enthused about eating there.
If you went tot a car dealer and no one helped you with questions, or explained benefits, you'd leave in a haze of indescision.
If Insurance salespeople didn't explain things to you about products you'd rather not even have to think about,
you'd be risking alot by going without the products they offer.
Me?
I am a photographer.. it is what I do, I am good at it... I am excited about it, and excited about the images I shoot.
trouble is, the stuff I shoot is NOT what these people shoot or try to sell!
The photographer there is leaving to go to another studio, where she will make less money, but will be home evenings.
This job involves evenings.. in fact late evenings most days.
I start late in the day, but work late into the night.
Hard on a family.
I have told Cyndy, this job is NOT SO IMPORTANT that if it interferes with our family life, I won't quit it.
SHe does not control me, I do not control her ....
we talk, we get on the same page, we know how each other thinks... we know where we agree.
and we know the seemingly insurmountable challenges we face together.
I can relate this about my first day on this job....
I had the chance to spend an hour and a half talking to the departing photographer..... we traded notes on life.
Most of you know my story, she had her own story....
She is 27 years of age, been with her fiance' for 6 years.
4 years of dating, and she wanted a commitment from him.
He constantly stood her up, was unpredicatble in his promises, and she had had enough.
He panicked, walked out, and they broke up....
She started therapy, as he did....
He took 6 months to come out of his worst state....
She took the advice of her therapist, and got on with her life... she partied, dated, and even went to visit a friend that her ex-boyfriend was most jealous and insecure of.
at the end of 6 months, he showed up at her place, drunk and crying, and said he wanted to work on things,
She used tough love to tell him how things would be, or they were through.
one year later, they seem to be doing much better,
You see, it happens to many people in life... not just to anyone who posts here.
I will generalize...
we are all messed up.. we all enter adulthood with much unfinished business...
Our society ill-prepares us for adult life...
who is responsible?
We are....
If we have found ourselves in this condition, unfit to live an adult life, treating other people like children, or expecting them to behave like children....
who needs to change?
who can we change?
ourselves.
I am still working on it.
the future just ain't what it used to be
(Tom Petty)
But the future is still there, and it is what we make of it.
Hard work will NOT guarentee success....
but hard work WILL give you the best shot at it....
Let's all work hard at it and help each other....
take care
Paul
Yes, it is hard to start new jobs. May I offer a word of encouragment
Sales is not hard when you remember who is the boss. The boss is the customer. Provide what he wants and you can't help but succeed.
The hard part is finding out what the customer wants. Just like DBing or any relationship, you have to accept him, translate his words by observing his actions and guide him into clearly defining what he wants. Always, of course, relating your suggestions to what your employer has allowed you to supply. Teaching is always involved.
Finally, with most people, you have to encourage them to make decisions.
Much like a relationship, sales is about reconciliation. You have something people want, the ability to create rememberances. They have something you want. $ to allow you to make a living. You are the reconciler. A bad salesman cannot reconcile services to $. It comes across as him needing $ foremost and the customer is just $.
Much like DBing, you can't make their decisions for them, but you can present the service in a way that allows them to confidently decide for you.
You will do well if you remain a man of integrity desiring to do well by God, family, customers and your employer, and the rest of us.
Remember, a successful salesman will remake a company. It has to be remade, because he was successful reconciling the company's services to the customers needs. Also remember patience. Companies have great loads of inertia.
You have the technical skill; I have seen it. You have the knowledge; you have voiced it. You can teach; you have done it on the BB.
Go for it.
Paul
A long overdue congratulations to you and Crisch. I was very excited for both of you when I found out.
I have been self employed for the last 23 years. It would be very difficult for me to go work for someone else also.
I believe that we are all "salespeople." Each of us on a daily basis are selling ourselves, our ideas, our beliefs to others we come into contact with.
My sales approach is through "relationship selling." In dealing with my clients, I try to understand what their needs are, and how I can help them get their needs met. It is much like dealing with our spouses or significant others. We have needs. And in order to get what we want, we need to help get what our spouses want in return.
Selling should be about win win situations. If one person wins and another one looses during the sales transaction, it is not a good thing.
I used to hate sales. The main reason was I FEARED rejection. I had to learn to overcome rejection and not take it personally. I finally realized that people were not necessarily rejecting me, but merely what it was I had to sell. In short, what I was selling did not meet their needs or expectations.
Learning to be a good salesperson requires learning to ask the right questions.
I have carried in my wallet a business card from a speaker on sales for many years.
The individual was Austin McGonigle. His company, Success Cycle, Inc.
The card reads;
INTERACTION SKILLS
Before you tell, ASK
Before you talk, LISTEN
After you listen, RELATE
Always, show you CARE
Paul
M Go Blue,
Thank you for your kind congrats! You've been around the block a few times with X and new W. I feel that you definitely understand how it is to be starting over and the challenges that come along with that.
My feeling is that the challenges have very little to do with the new person you've chosen to have a relationship with...rather the challenges arise because YOU/ME/the LB have some very deep issues to overcome. I know mine was trust...trust in another, trust in myself.
Another thing was that I had been alone for over two years. I was used to doing things my way, without any sort of help, or asking another's opinion. That's hard to get used to as well.
LSE, sweetie, learn what you can. Tuck it all away for future reference. Take what you can from the situation. Find that silver lining.
And trust that everything will come together.
that beautiful; big post I had written for you all went POOF!
Oh well, maybe you all were not ready for the thoughts I had....
I am well, surviving at my new job, being pulled and strained to learn many new things, and facing my feelings of unhappiness that my expectations are not being met....
I forge ahead....
CYndy and I had a good weekend together, eating out, shopping, going to a Bridal show, spending quality time together....
Her son was with his father this weekend.
I will post more later as I am able...
Paul
Hello all,
WARNING….. if you haven’t ever read my story, this series will be a very interesting dissection of it….
If after reading it, you want to lambast me for being such a bastard, such a piece of scum, such a waste of human protoplasm, and how dare I even raise my head or voice to post on this BB…..
So be it….
I make no excuses, I only tell my story.
I will try to re-create some of yesterday’s post and improve on it….
I had many questions to ask, and observations to share.
Anyone reading this, remember.. I am only a thinker….
If I could be PAID to think, I’d take the job….
Here are some thoughts that I inflicted on Cyndy (Crisch) the other day…
I am sitting there, thoughtful, and she sees me, and asks.. what are you thinking about?
Poor girl…. She should never have left herself open like that!.
Here is what is was…
Pursuit and Distancing… where does it come from?
How do we learn it? Why does it cause us to act any certain predictable way?
Salespeople, propagandists, manipulative people… all intuitively know what it takes to get what THEY want… for another person to agree …. To buy, to believe, to behave….
Millions are spent each year, trying to understand why we behave the way we do, but not much is spent on educating ourselves about why we behave this way.
Many of us, here, read a lot…
Trying to get that very information, trying to understand WHY we pursue, why we distance, how we behave and react.
I posted on the “Languages” thread about this…. How our culture has no “elders” to teach us…. That somehow, our society bought this notion that new = improved, that excitement= good things, that our elders are stuck in the mud, fuddy duddies,party poopers….
It seems to me that the more excessive our young people are, in like fashion, the more strict and judging our elders are… In Divorce Busting language.. this is the “see-saw” effect.
Still, how do we learn to pursue and distance….
We pursue what we want, and distance ourselves from what has pained us.
Simple enough. In the closest proximity, ice cream and hot stoves follow that pattern.
In slightly less precise ways, money and guilt can follow that pattern
In a very vague way, the future and the past can follow that pattern
As infants and children, we don’t have the experience to deal with hot stove or ice cream, money or guilt…. Yet we learn…
I had thoughts about the past, present and future in regards to pursuing and distancing
I had an MLC..a midlife identity adjustment compounded into a crisis by my un-intentional involvement with another woman…. That precipitated into a fullblown crisis and which led indirectly to my own wife’s adjustment which in turn was compounded by her own un-intentional involvement with another man….
The only difference between us that I can tell? I came out of it, broke up with the other woman, came back to the marriage and wanted to make it work….
But I had some problems.
I had a past to be ashamed of.. I ran from the past with that other woman JUST LIKE I had run from my past in wanting something different for myself…
( That wanting something different, that discontent, that lack of having emotional needs met… this is what primed me for the eventual fall …..)
I was running from the past, distancing, removing myself, trying to remove a part of me….
It was like I was taking a shadowy image of myself, that was literally part of ME, and pushing it away…..trying to get rid of it…. Dis-own it! Not take ownership of part of myself!.
How many of us do this? When we were kids, we didn’t like our hair, or our complexion, our clothes, our bike…. We wanted something different… we didn’t like who we were. We didn’t like ourselves….
We looked to the future to reward us.. we looked forward to growing up, to having the freedom we needed to be ourselves, what ever that was… the freedom to create, to have a voice, to be pretty, well built, fast, rich, to have all the sex we craved, all the toys we wanted,
If only this “so called Life” of ours were different. We’d finally be happy….
Many of our parents tried to help us understand… that we were pretty to them, we were loved as we were, that we were OK…..
hmmmm, a lot of us may have gotten different messeges from our parents….. and now you can ask yourself… where did those parents get that other messege to share with their kids? That you are not OK?
SO, was it that we didn’t get told we were OK? Or did we not hear it?
Our entire culture rewards something else than what we had to offer…. If you were good looking, still….. you may not be smart, or strong, or rich , or talented…..
Always something else.
We finally arrived at adulthood… still with unfulfilled desires and dreams.
And we got involved in varying degrees with other people, still looking for that (*) … that ( ! ), that undefinable thing that would surely make us happy.
Seems we hadn’t learned something in our youth, seems like our culture , and our parents, and our friends, hadn’t taught us, or we were not able to learn…
Life is not guaranteed, you have to play the had you are dealt, someone else’s hand is not yours to play, and you cannot demand a re-deal.
Then you do the best you can with what you have.
A brief aside here….. did you ever go camping in the wilderness? You’d find a PERFECT spot,
Then you’d set up your tent, get a fire started…
and then you’d start to improve it…. Clear the underbrush, stack firewood, make a bench, pull up a rock to sit on, hang things in the trees, remove the lumps under the tent so you could sleep better….
You’d try improve on perfection.
Someone else would come along and say… You ruined the perfect spot! Or they’d try to improve on your improvements…. And the un-alterable changes you’d made, could not be undone.
So, back to us…..Maybe you were perfect.. but you are trying to improve on perfection?
Maybe someone else is trying to improve you, by telling you what they want you to be?
Maybe we all are discontent, trying to have what someone else has told us to want, trying to please someone else so that they will like us, even if what they like isn’t who we really are?
More in this next post…
Hello again.. second posting in this long thought….
SO, we were trying to improve on perfection, and facing a lot of outside discussion about how we should be, how we ought to act, or dress, or earn, …. To be all that we can be….
In my experience…. I ran from my past, it was painful, my expectations, and the expectations of others had caused me great pain…. I’d bought into the messege that I needed to do something more….
So I ran, buried it, and denied a part of who I was….
I sought a future…. In my PARTICULAR case, I became involved in a photo studio where I felt like I was achieving and accomplishing something noteworthy, I was constantly validated and affirmed , my talents were great, and I should be recognized for them in the here and now…
And the lady feeding me this, who projected onto me her dreams of a talented and loving man, began to have feelings for me, and I was naturally attracted to her for those “needs” I felt were being met.
My own wife let me do my own thing, but for a variety of reasons, she had not desire to, nor ability to, affirm or validate me….
SO I found myself falling “in love” with someone I shouldn’t have… I had NO desire to have sex with this woman.. yet she had great desire to have it with me….
Here I was… in a sex starved relationship with my wife, yet I had fallen in love with a woman who wanted sex with me and I DIDN”T WANT IT WITH HER!.
Alittle about her, she hada marriage where she had sex twice daily with husband… whom she said was cold and uncaring and unresponsive…. She came from a SEX-soaked marriage and wanted sex with someone else…. And before me, she’d had a series of affairs…. All in an attempt to solve, to supply, to meet… this need she felt.
Ok, She was running from her past, I was running from my past, we found ourselves wrapped up in something we both agreed was totally wrong, yet we couldn’t help the way we felt…. And so we , in spite of our reluctance, gave in to our “needs” and had that mutual EA… or PA if you call making out like teenagers to be physical….
Whatever….. I know in my mind that I would not go to that extreme….
I looked forward to the future, I had thoughts htat “after my wife died of old age, my love and I could find each other finally and at long last have our way.”
Typing this now just about makes me gag….. what a colossal IDJUT I was!….
After I “broke”, came to my senses, realized that what I was in was totally NOT who I was as a person… I distanced myself form the other woman, and now I had a new problem….
I had to face my “NEW PAST”….
It took about a year of total guilt, shame, remorse, fear, before things ‘started” to settle down….
Then my wife, whom I had , in my mind and heart, recommitted to, fell in love, unwillingly, un-intentionally, with another man at work.
I know that her experience was almost exactly like mine…. ( I was age 45, she was age 37…)
She was running from the unfulfilled needs of her present relationship, looking for solutions outside the couple, and was trapped by the power of her own repressed emotions.
She had bad problems in her youth, alcohol , depression, abuse of all sorts….
SO that is how I wound up here on the Divorce Busting Boards, trying to save my marriage….
And it didn’t work, because one person didn’t want top work on it… or wasn’t ready to work on it, and I couldn’t tell if, or when she would ever be ready.
SO.. Pursuing and distancing…..
She and I both were trying to push away part of who we are, it didn’t work, in my experience, that person came back to express itself in a very powerful way.
We both ran from the past, not able to accept it in the present, and lived for a vague promise of happiness in the future.
How many of us do this?
Try to deny the pain of our broken relationships?
Crave satisfaction by wanting that wayward spouse to “own up” to their hurting us…..
Desperately desire “closure”.. that someone else can provide… so that WE can move on….
You have to forgive yourself…. So you can forgive others,
You have to give yourself closure.. you may never get it from someone else,
You have to let go, because someone else cannot make you let go….
You have to quit blaming others for your own unhappiness…
More in the third post…..
Hello again.. this should take care of today’s musings….
Back to my story….
I sincerely believe this…
My ex-wife NEVER INTENDED to hurt me. She said so…. But she couldn’t forgive me for my hurting her, because she couldn’t forgive herself for hurting me….
I NEVER INTENDED to hurt my ex-wife…. I found myself inside a situation far beyond my comprehension….. and she said the same words to me before she left.
She distanced from her past, left it untended, and it festered, and because she could not face that pain……she could not explain to me why she couldn’t communicate, why she couldn’t open herself up to dialog where that pain might come to the surface….
It wasn’t old pain put to rest, it was pain—unhealed…
She distanced from her past, and wound up distancing from me.
I distanced from my past, and pursued her.. wanting healing, wanting acceptance and forgiveness…
How does this ALL APPLY TO ME NOW…….
I have learned this….
I have a past.. I cannot disown it….
It is ME.
I have to face, it, forgive it, aceept it, and recognize it as my own.
Life may have left me with limitations. I have to accept them.
If my past leaves me with limitations, I have to accept them as well.
My Future is NOT EXCLUSIVELY MINE TO MAKE….
I participate in my future….
I influence my future….
But blindness to the fact that my future is not guaranteed will result in many disappointments in life….
We all cannot be president.. we all cannot run a four minute mile, we all cannot live forever, disease and accident and poverty free
We can try, and we may well succeed, for without trying we will not succeed.
But we must make peace with our past, comes to terms with the present, and accept the future that comes to us….
We must participate in life.
Like a childhood sandlot baseball game …
We get what players come out to play, ( Who wouldn’t want a pro payer to come and play with you!)
The more you contribute, the better off you’ll be, ( Whoever owns the ball gets to control the game)
You cannot be the best, only the best you can be…. ( Do your best, you are your hardest opponent)
You can still play with the equipment you have, ( you don’t need everything before you start to play)
There are rules, and sometimes the rules change… ( sometimes you change the rules, sometimes someone lese does… and ask if you feel there needs to be a rule change)
The sandlot may not always be there to play on…. ( So then you look for another place to play)
The players may not always be able to come out to play. ( Players move, players grow disinterested, players change… so ask others to play)
The game will not go on forever….
Pursuit and distance…. Old habits, old coping mechanisms, misunderstood
You don’t need them…..
Cyndy ( Crisch ) and I are forcing ourselves to face them, to grow up, to openly communicate,
To face the past, from childhood on, not deny it, or its influence on us…
To accept our complete selves…. Good and bad,
to challenge each other,
to acknowledge the validity of each other’s, and of all people’s feelings….
to accept and let go of the past….
And to work towards whatever the future holds….
And to face the future together
Having said all this…. These are only my opinions, only my perceptions, only my feelings and intuitions….
I could be dead wrong…..
I believe this:
My God is a merciful and loving God, Righteous in all His ways, and Kind in all His deeds……
God is Just….. paying back disbelief and disobedience with condemnation.
God is also Love, not paying back what is deserved, but forgiving it by accepting the payment of another in my place….
God has not said…I will forgive you WHEN you are good enough in the future….
God has said, I will forgive you as you are aware of your need for forgiveness, , and accept the work of forgiveness that God’s appointed agent has provided… I believe that this is God’s revealed Son, Jesus Christ…
That being said, anyone without that same belief can profit from the following:
I am forgiven, yet I am still the owner of my acts….
I will be held accountable, yet I will not, in eternity, be condemned for them.
I am forgiven, I have forgiven myself, and I can find it in me to forgive others…..
I am no different, no better, no worse…
I will not distance myself from my past, nor blindly pursue a “solution” in the future….
Remember
“The future just ain’t what it used to be….”
Toil, pain, sorrow, disappointment,
Accomplishment, healing, joy, satisfaction….
Not perfection.
Take care all,
Paul
A short post:
Having gone through some very trying times here recently, personally, and on a larger scale, I will share a brief thought on serenity.
Hazeldon's thoought for today is turning trials into opportunities... the change takes place in our minds.. not in the situation.
as I thought about it, I realized that I crave serenity....
peace, calm, no struggles or uncertainty in my life....
and perhaps I need to realize what serenty truly is... not the absense of troubles and uncertainty, but rather a serene attitude in dealing with it.
None of us will ever be completely free of trouble.
Better to cultivate serenity in the face of trouble, than to seek it in running away....
Paradoxically, true serenity ONLY exists in the face of trouble and uncertainty.
Remember our past discussions...
I feel that all of us here on the boards are the "fixers', the ones who took more on than we could achieve.... trying to fix a relationship with someone who didn't want to have it fixed...becasue they felt it was either not needing to be fixed, or else it was beyond fixing.
Fixers need serenity.
take care all,
Paul
Hello all,
busy day for me... many things happening all at once.
This past Friday Crisch and I went out to look at a house for me to buy, and for her to pay for!!!!!!
We found , after a short search, an incredible deal on a house, and it goes to show me that God simply doesn't waste our time, but brings things together at its best time.
MY house in Iowa was sold at auction, the closing is tomorrow... I already know what the payoff will be.
We had looked at houses before, always seeming to push things, trying to make them fit, trying to make things happen, only to pull back when something whould stand in our way like a wall.
But last week, I contacted a realtor about a house near us, one that seemed to meet our needs for the future. I looked at it, she looked at it, and the realtor, sensing our incomplete approval of it, emailed me some other listings.
I saw one listing that interested me, so I drove out to look at it. I didn't see a for sale sign, so I knocked on the door and was told it wasn't to be shown until the following Friday....
I called the realtor, set up an appointment, Crisch and I looked at it, realized it was perfect for our needs and it was priced way too low, so we made an offer and it was accepted....
Just like that... economy of effort.. God made it all fall into place.
We are excited, it is a small three bedroom house, with a garage and a shop, ready of me to start developing my own portrait business.. and it has 1 1/2 acres of land surrounded by mature pine forest... and it is ready to landscape....
Crisch will maintain her living arrangements with her cousin till the wedding, which we are trying to figure out a date for. We'd like her house to sell too, and this is the major wall now...but all in God's good time.
Then, yesterday, we drove north to meet Crisch's parents.... and it all went very well.
Again, this was something I was pressing for a couple of months ago, but it would never have worked... this time it all fell into place, no pressure, a wonderful time together, and a bright future as well.
Two weekends from now, Crisch meets my parents....
and maybe by the end of March I will be inhabiting a new place , ready to continue this new adventure.
Snodderly's advice was dead right, move, give myself a month or two to settle in, keep my eyes open, and let things happen of their own accord.
Now, life is great, but I wil admit that there are still a few specks in the ointment.
My employment is a difficult job . I am away from the house every afternoon and evening... but I still am able to visit alittle with Crisch and son in the mornings and on Sundays...
But I am looking at it in the most positve light, I am recieving intensive training in photography, and sales....
I am learning new equipment, which will prepare me for further gains in the photographic field... and ANY training in sales will assist my business in the long run.
Do I enjoy it all? Parts of it are immensely enjoyable... and I am constantly validated for my quality of portraiture and people skills.
That is nice...
and I also got a call form a new customer, one for my own business, the first in Pennsylvania....
from this modest start, who knows what God can multiply it into.
Crsich also directed my attention to some articles in "O" magazine..... ( Oprah Winfrey's magazine, Febuary Issue) one about "dating with baggage", and another about a woman who set out to date 100 men.... and after three years of leanring to be herself, and NOT to let her boundaries be crossed, she at last ran into a man she feels deeply about....
There is a new life out there.....
Just try to look past appearences....
remember what appearences are... they may not be real....
and try to se what is really there, and allow yourself to be real as well.
there will STILL be a multitude of issues to face....
And Crisch and I are finally realizing that after 6 months of intensive relationship work,
A. the trust is coming alot faster and more naturally,
B. the alarms sound alot less often,
C. and the fears of being taken advantage of, of that other person NOT being who YOU think they are, are mostly overblown.
It is possible... it only takes hard work and commitment.
I am now convinced that Crisch and I are NOT in a rebound relationship, that we have a deep and ever deepening commitment to each other.
Whatever happens in life.... the future is like a mirage, shifting and indefinite.... the past is the same way.
Live in the present....
A brief book recommendation for you survivors....
"Is it you or is it me?" ( Why couples play the blame game) by Scott Wetzler PhD....
He emphasizes three keys.. Insight, Mastery, and Tolerance.
Inisght into YOUR own preconceptions and filters, Mastery of your emotions as you deal with other individuals, and Tolerance for ourselves and for others as we make our way through life.
I recommend this book, it is similar to many we have read and shared..... it just is stated in a slightly different way, and perhaps that slightly different way will make more sense than another person may have explained it.
It is all about perceptions, self perceptions and our perceptions of others....
Take care all,
Paul
WG,
Sounds like things are working out well for you and Crish.
Send a little of that good luck my way will you? Too many decisions to make here and too many money problems.Oh well...at least life isn't dull.
Glad things are falling into place for you. Glad you both found the perfect house.
rayanne
thanks Ray, it all will work out for you too....I know it will.
Paul
Yep Paul, I imagine it will. Patience just isn't my strong suit.
rayanne
Quoting wiseguy:
This past Friday Crisch and I went out to look at a house for me to buy, and for her to pay for!!!!!!
This sounds kind of funny, so I wanted to clarify: Paul is putting down 35% of the price of the house. I'm the one getting the mortgage. How did this come to be? Well, the wonderful lender that I'm working with has a no income, no asset loan program which is perfect for me! No need to worry about proving alimony or child support for 3 more years, no worrying about how to explain that the downpayment money is coming from my fiance.... If anyone has ever done mortgage banking (I did for 10 yrs), then you know what I'm talking about.
Woo Hoo!
The house is very cute, cozy, and on a big lot without being in the country. The lot is level, a big deal in the hilly Pittsburgh area, and it's in the school district that I wanted for S. S has not been inside yet, but he's starting to get curious after an initial stage of not really wanting to know. Tonight he asked me what the street address was and if we could grow strawberries there. I bought him a scrapbook called "My New Home and Me", which has checklists and spaces for kids to describe the old home, the new home, and paste lots of pictures. I gave S the job of being the Offical Moving Photographer! His job is to take pictures throughout the move and chronicle the whole adventure.
(S was already a budding photographer before Paul joined our family. He takes after Mom in that respect!)
Ah, it's an exciting time! Paul and I are already chomping at the bit to get the tape measure out and start planning our bathroom remodel and two story addition. Palladian windows, hon?
This weekend brings another trip down to NC to put in the kitchen floor and to finish with the upstairs carpeting project. Soon the NC house will be back on the market for spring and my eternal hope is that some nice family will come along and see the great potential in this house. It really is a nice place and I hope the Research Triangle Park economy picks up soon. Lots of people are hurting down there.
What a quiet night! S is sleeping directly behind me, breathing heavily, and missing one tooth. Paul is out at work, learning how to sell photography to customers. I think it's time for this girl to trip off to bed....
Crisch, welcome to the area...Paul also if he wasn't from here. Would you do us a little favor...and spread some of your good luck to the sports teams...they could sure use it....lol
Good luck to both of you...buster
Crisch: So is that type of loan specific for your area? I never heard of such a thing - is it like an ARM that in 3 years you have to refinance? Have fun!
Missy
This is so fun to read about...!! I'm thrilled for you both!
What a nut, already talking about remodeling. Can't keep that girl still, huh Paul?
Buster, Here we go, Stillers, here we go! Love Cowher! Local boy does good.
As for the Pens, well, I was newly living in Pittsburgh for the first two Stanley cups. Maybe I can bring that luck again.
The Pirates, yikes!
Missy, it was through Countrywide and it might have been a program available because I'm a current customer. Just call them up and ask about the Fast and Easy loan program. It's a conventional loan. What I chose was a 30yr fixed rate at 5.875%. I still can't believe that rate!
Frosty, I gotta tell you. The two of us are impossible. We were walking around on one lot where there were two houses, talking about bulldozing one, rebuilding it, then bulldozing the other one. But, honestly, we couldn't decide on which one to bulldoze first! Both houses were in sad shape! At least we found one that's safe to live in!
Oh, and it needs new tile in the bathroom. Hint, hint....
crisch
I grew up in beaver county, where are you guys locating, also if paul can stand it, state civil service is not that tough to get into, nice 8-4 job and good bene's
poe
Poepad:
We're in Butler Co. Paul used to be a govt employee as an assessor. He's applied locally but nothing yet. He'd love the 8-4! Heck, I'D love 8-4!
long time since I posted and so I will fill everyone in....
Crisch and I went on a cruise this past week, she met my family and we have set a tentative date for a wedding....
Just prior to my leaving for the flight out of town, I called the boss for my job as a salesperson/photographer at a church directory company and told them I was leaving....
It was a bad match... I was hired as a "no pressure" salesman of "high quality" portraiture.
It was the opposite.... high pressure sales to an unsuspecting and unwilling clientel of a really cruddy product.
I saw the returns of some images that they produced.. the photographer I worked with in training saw them and pronounced that there was nothing wrong with them.
I was horrfied....
They also overcharged for a vastly inferior product.
After a month of trying to get my head around the concept of working for this bunch, I threw in the towel. The final straw was the last three days, when I earned less in commision than what my temporary training pay was bringnig me, and I still ahd to spend alot of money on gasoline just to drive to the jobs.
The boss called back, and begged me to not quit, she had no one to fall back on. I felt she tried to use every emotional button,including changin her words to me, guilt, anger, saddness, pleading....what a salesperson she was!
all this to get her out of the situation of her own making.....
To imagine that an employer would be so desperate for help that you'd want to keep a disgruntled employee for just a litle more time!!!!!!
Can you imagine I'd be very motivated to do a good job?
Do you think I'd kindly accept their continued criticisms of my work and output?
Sorry,
thier perceptions are theirs... my perceptions are mine...
we both may be incorrect... but it doesn't change the way I feel about it.
SO, I am off to find other employment.
The Cruise was wonderful... Crisch and I had alot of time together to talk, to heal, and to explore new areas where we needed to understand each other....
If anyone thinks, even for a second, that a new relationship , with new people, will never face the stresses of the old one..... think again.
I feel I can vouch for myself.. the old baggage is still there....
the old ways of dealing with things, the old methods of coping....
ALl stay the same... unless you become aware of them, and actively overcome their influences in your life.
I feel this:
We all tend to have the "path of least resistance" carved into our personalities....
This path is the "normal, unthinking, natural" way in which we face and deal with the world, our selves, and those around us.
It takes alot of work simply to become aware of them, to accept them, and then to see where they influence us....
Once you are aware of them, you can also "forget" them.. and start to take them for granted again....
and then you wind up right back where you started again....
I feel this as well:
talking about your baggage, expressing it out loud, is the same as "facing it"...
Getting it on the outside of you... laying it on the table for examination.... being able to dissect it....naming it....and claiming it....
these are the aims of therapy.... if you have a therapist, they are trying to help you come to know yourself, accept yourself, and live with yourself.
therapists can only help you as you express yourself.
I can say this about my ex-wife... she never got it outside of herself... she could never express it.... she tried to deal with it internally.... she couldn't face it, so she denied it. I feel that she couldn't see any one else's perspective because she couldn't see herself in a dispassionate way....
I feel this: that if we want to heal, we can either become numb to ourselves, and go on unaware of ourselves, and repeat the mistakes WE made....
or we can examine ourselves, test our perceptions by expressing them to another person, allowing that person to share their perceptions with us, and learn how we act, think, behave, and can change.
Change is possible....
but telling yourself that you can fly will not enable you to fly.
Beware a false sense of ability.... do not deny who you are... the good WITH the bad....
and grant that acceptance of yourself to others in your life.
it is humbling to find out that "you are not who you think you are"....
You are better, AND worse, than what you think....
and so is everyone else.
I am VERY happy that Crisch is in my life.... I know that she has expressed to me how very happy that she has me in her life...
and that we constantly challange each other.
and learn about ourselves as a result.
We are already thinking of further plans, further trips,
maybe another cruise.
I thought alot about you all while was away.. I enjoy expressing myself to this board, writing out my thoughts.
I feel privilaged, and challanged by you all.
thanks,
Paul
PS, on the cruise ship, they had photographers on board who shot alot of images for sale.... these images were ten times better than what my old employer was selling, and cheaper, and there was NO pressure to sell them.....
too bad that these photographers spent 6 months at sea, working 12 hours days, 6 days a week,..... otherwise I might have been interested.....
Paul -
Welcome back, glad you two had a great time.
As far as employment, I'm sure this is not anything new to you.... I've noticed at the sporting events (you know, soccer mom, etc) that a few of them have tables set up with pictures of your kids in action. I purchased one of college girl her senior year in track. She was jumping into the pit and looked absolutely horrible, but very determined. The picture was mounted on a Sports Illustrated Magazine and I paid $25. The way they handled it was to take multiple pictures of the kids on each team, for each event, print out a small sheet with little images and if you wanted to see them closer, they let you view the digital version on the computer.
A few weeks back, the basketball game also had a company doing this same thing. They encouraged people to request the photographer to take pix of their kid, giving the team, game time and jersey number. They displayed the pictures on the table and you could buy what you wanted.... I think they were going for 2 for $18 or something like that.
Sorry this is so long, I just thought at the time what a lucrative business it was. Our generation is so keen on our kids in sports that they did very well at all the events I've seen them at.
Just an idea......
Hello all,
well another chapter in the saga of Paul appears to be starting!....
I have been dealing with a host of emotions since returning from the cuise... things could not be ANY BETTER between Crisch and her son and I .. I only wish I could share the details, but suffice to say, many things are going so wonderfully.
As you all recall, I quit my job the day I flew out for the cruise.... and the boss lady had left me a longish phone messege about it.
All during the cruise I had thought long and hard about it... reviewing things in my mind, talking them out with Crisch, making sure I was accurate in my perceptions...
I had peace about my decision.. it was mine to make and mine to do...
On monday when we got back I called the boss lady and left a messege... I was back in town , I was sorry that they felt that way about my leaving but I was certain of my decision, and wanted to make arrangements to turn over their belongings ( supplies)that I had.
Today I got her reply in the form of a phone call.
It was another round of button pushing, emotional browbeating and attempts at control. She was frankly PISSED off that I had left them and left their training budget in a shambles.... she even had the nerve to tell me I'd been hired as a photographer and NOT as a salesman...
I had to stop her blustering and blaming, so I asserted myself, told her I felt differently than she did, I was not to blame for her budget being awry ( I was the latest of about 6 people that had been trained and then left... maybe they ought to change the job instead of blame the employees who leave) and I most definitiy had ben hired as a salesman.
In the end, I cut her off, said we'd never agree, and asked what was next. She tersely told me to make arrangements with another persom to have my supplies picked up. ( Including my "salesman kit!)
I was upbeat and happy... it is refreshing to have had the personal growth to speak my mind, not allow myself to be treated like a punching bag for someone else's emotions, and to not avoid the conflict.
SO, I proceeded to try to find something to do with my day, did some busy work, applied for a job, checked online for oportunities, and finally, I was tired so I laid down and read before falling asleep.
I woke up with the phone ringing... it was the assessor's office in Pittsburgh, calling me to offer the job I'd applied for back in Dec, interviewed for the Friday before leaving on the cruise, and been hoping I'd get....
It's a govt. job!!!!! day time hours, weekends off, holidays off, benifits, room for advancement, what more could I want!!!!!!!!
Well, I came to Pittsburgh and befroe I did, I'd written on a piece of paper what I felt I needed for a job... one that would allow me time to build a future with Crisch....
that piece of paper had a short list on it....
Gov't job.
daytime hours
weekends off
holidays off
benifits.
XXXXXXX$/Yr
all prayers were answered today.... everything was on the list.
In addition,
the house Crisch and I are purchasing is about ready, and I will ahve time to work on moving into it before the new job starts,,
I will have the time to work on my photo business,
and the future looks promising....
and just this morning
I had been sitting in the parking lot of a church, reading a devotional book, meditating and praying, and realizing that God does love me in spite of all that I do....
and that He has my best interests at heart....
and that I had been forgetting all those things.
I prayed carefully and respectfully that He have mercy and grace on me, and help me, as I felt so helpless...
I now am rapidly ending the wandering state of my post divorce search.... my search for the new future, the new persno I'd like the share it with, and the new place I'll be spending it in....
Bring on Spring....
I am truly blessed.... and I feel it.
take care all,
Paul
Paul: Congratulations on the new job. RIght up your alley. I'm very happy for all of you!
Barb
Paul: How wonderful! See what happens when we sit back, have patience and allow GOD to do things on his time?
Missy
Wow !
Paul, I was impressed with your advice to TonyP over in Newcomers and wanted to read more about you. What an interesting story. Congratulations of the new job and your new relationship.
I've spent my entire working life in 'professional selling'. I left corporate life in 1990 at the Director of Sale level with about 120 sales people and nine managers reporting to me. I've always been passionate about sales. It's a very misunderstood profession. And many sales organizations do not treat their sales people like professionals. In my case, I've sold everything from soft drinks to pharmaceuticals, to spirits to high tech. The process is always the same when it involves a competitor that you're fighting against for market share (Conquest Selling). The process is very different when you're involved with selling entirely new ideas and products (Concept Selling) where the process is unknown. But it helps when you can flow-chart the process and understand all that's required to make it successful.
Many new (and seasoned) sales people give up their self-respect, getting down on their knees, working up an act that makes them very uncomfortable. But it doesn't have to be that way.
First, one has to understand that selling is a process. It's all about cause and effect. And it most definitely isn't about persuading, pressure or manipulation. Instead, it's about being oneself. The approach I've always followed is to allow sales peole to follow the process, use the tools they're provided and trained with that allows them the freedom to honestly assess the client's need for the product. And to use their own style.
Once an initial assessement has been completed, the salesperson ought to be able to arrive at a conclusion about whether or not to pursue the sales interaction further. There has to be an honest and straightforwardness that aligns the sales person's own inclinations, the company's and the client's to be authentic and genuine. Only after this trust has been established can they proceed to discuss product features and benefits. It boils down to doing business with people who really have a need for your product and services.
Enough about selling.
I was particularly keen to read your thoughts about 'happiness'. Something that we all want more of.
Over the last 2 years I've come to understand that real happiness is a state of mind. It doesn't come from external sources. In fact, the more we crave external things, the less happy we are. If our mind is pure and peaceful we shall be happy, regardless of our external circumstances, but if our mind is impure and unpeaceful we can never be truly happy, no matter how hard we try to change our external conditions. We could change or home or our partner countless times, but until we change our restless, discontented mind we shall never find true happiness.
The first step towards changing our mind is to identify which states of mind produce happiness and which produce suffering. I learned over the last couple of years, by going thru the separation process with my wife, and at the same time watching my mom coming to the end of her life, that a mind conducive to peace and happiness is a "virtuous mind". My mom was the most virtuous person I've ever met. All she ever did was cherish her family, friends and all others. She passed away March 11th last year. It was rare to see her be self-cherishing.
At the same time I've watched the delusions breated in my wife's mind. And my own. Married for 34 years, she called it quits in Oct/00 (there was OM). I've come to recognize that the different types of delusions, such as desirous attachment, anger, jealousy, pride, miserliness and ignorance can produce real suffering. They really destroy happiness from within. Their only function is to cause us harm.
I've also learned that when I train my mind to give up these delusions and focus on a virtuous, cherishing and compassionate mind, I am a happier person.
Anyway, I'm sure this isn't new to you. I just wanted to share some thoughts with you and tell you how your ideas expressed in Tony's thread impacted me. Thanks for sharing them. Good luck to you.
Soup
Soupman: Excellent Post! I truly enjoyed your section on the seeking happiness from within and that it can't be attained externally. That is so true. I get so tired of the world today so focused on finding happiness causing people to keep searching and searching around every corner. So sad.
I also want to send my sympathies regarding your mother's passing - I see the year mark is coming up - she sounds like she was a wonderful person who had quite an impact on your life. I hope that I can have the same on my children one day!
God Bless!
Missy
Paul,
I want to thank you for taking the time to respond to me. You have been able to put MLC into an easy to understand way for me. Yes my W is there, and I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can continue to work on me though. I also must be there for my kids. As hard as this is, i will be a much better person in the end.
Easy