More of the musical titles,makes it easier to decide on a title!
Mixed bag of a weekend. Friday after school I took kids to the Y. Played bball with Nathan for 30 minutes, then took both kids into the pool for about 45 min. Came home and watched Guardians....the owl movie. Can't spell the whole title off the top of my head. It was much better than I expected!!
Then Saturday we had Sydney's tumbling, then came home and relaxed for several hours. I cleaned some stuff while kids hung out, then put up Sydney's play tent for her to snuggle in while Nathan played Star Wars. Low key.
Today was our Sunday School program at church. Kids were so cute! Then we went to my mom's extended (60+ people) Christmas party. Tomorrow is Dan's bday but Sydney has her preschool concert so they can't really celebrate.
Tonight is his night with the kids. So I took them over around 4:45 with their gifts and a cake. They wanted to pick up a cake, so I did. Anyway I went to drop them off and maybe stay to watch him open gifts. Well he said his mom and dad were on their way in and he asked me to stay and wait till they got there. Ok.
And....they were not on the way. Wires crossed they thought he was calling when they should come, he thought they were just coming. So 30 minutes later they show up and surprise they brought dinner with them!?! So I said I could go I was not planning on interrupting his family time and again he asked me to stay. And kids jumped on that too of course. So I wound up being there for two hours between waiting, dinner, cake and presents.
Sydney was complaining all day of her stomach hurting, did not eat lunch, did not want much of her supper and actually turned down cake and ice cream!
So then an hour after I left Dan calls to tell me that she has just thrown up. I said let me know if she does it again and I will put in for a sub tomorrow...
Oh and HG and I texted back and forth Friday and today. We 'talk' pretty much every other day...I am hopeful that we can get together next Sunday (12/26)...
weirdness with your H....
glad to hear that hockey guy has been keeping in touch with you! Maybe next week you'll get a kiss, (if you want it!)
Yep it was kind of strange...the funny thing is a year ago I would have been hoping for an invite to stay and this time I was antsy to get out of there and get home!
I hope we find time to get together, too! I am not worrying about the kiss thing, it will happen eventually....at least I hope it will!
(((((BobbiJo))))))
I'm inclined to say you shouldn't accept theses invitations, or at least not all of them. But first tell Dan not to make them in front of the kids. That backs you into a corner, and isn't fair for anyone.
Good point...if the kids had said, "Mommy, stay!" I would have just said I had things to do. But for him to ask me to stay in front of them it was a little awkward. And actually the present he got from the kids was too big for them to carry (and to wrap--it was a painting he has wanted for a long time) so I had to bring it in when it was present time. I thought I would just do that when I dropped off the kids but then he made the comment about his parents being on their way, etc etc.
Oh well it was fine actually. He loved the painting and said thank you five or six times so it was worth it.
Sydney had her Christmas program last night for preschool. They sang "Must Be Santa" and then the Jackson 5 version of "Frosty the Snowman". She was awesome! As one of her teaching assistants said, "I'm not gonna lie, the girl
has it."
She knew every single word and enunciated like she was singing for someone who needed to read lips, it was hysterical! Then she danced all the moves and was fabulous! My parents, Dan's parents, and Dan and Nathan and I were all there to watch and she loved that.
I have the kids today, they go to Dan's tomorrow, then I have them during the day on Thursday while he is at work. Then he has them again Thursday night and Christmas Eve (Fri). I go over there Christmas morning for Santa, and then I get them all of Christmas day. They go back to him for Sunday (26) for his mom's Christmas celebration.So a lot of shuffling, but so be it. I am so excited that school is out after tomorrow!!!
Somehow, I'm not surprised that Sydney has "it". Not even a little.
So true, Jeff! My brother from the boards has christened her "Honeybaked Ham"...cause she is sweet and a total attention seeker!
Not much new in my world. I got an interesting gift today...my student from Mexico got me a tequila bottle full of tequila-centered chocolate balls! It freaked me out at first because when I walked in the room he handed me a brown paper bag with a glass bottle inside...I thought he brought tequila to school! And he did, just in candy form. He got it in Mexico on his trip back to family last month. Not sure how I feel about eating them but it was nice!
Just got back from dropping off the gifts at Dan's. Had to wait until kids fell asleep and apparently they stayed up until ten. Very excited to be on Christmas break, apparently!
Hoping to see HG on Sunday. I have not said anything to him yet, we texted on Friday and Sunday but not since then. I know he took the week off to be with his girls, and his sister is in town all week too, so I have not interrupted their time. I may shoot him a quick text tomorrow just letting him know which days I am free (next Sunday and Weds). He asked me to let him know when I could get together, otherwise I would feel weird just putting that out there.
I deactivated my match account tonight. In a year + of membership, I have deleted 2500 profiles and only met 3 people on an actual date, only one of which I wanted to see a second time. (Ok I did want to see cartoon/animator guy again last January, but he decided he was too 'dark' for me and I trust his judgement!) So it is not worth the $$ to keep hearing from people I don't intend to meet....if things don't ever develop with HG then I will just see what turns up through my work/friends/connections.
OK I was going to stay up late tonight but I am exhausted so going to be lazy and sleep instead of clean!
Hope the shuffling doesn't wear you out too much! That exhausted me to read it!!! LOL
(((((BobbiJo)))))
What a unique gift! Whether you ever eat them of not... it says something about you that he and his family thought that much of you.
True, he is a special boy and it was a very unique and thoughtful gift...I saw his dad pick him up after school and made a point of thanking him, too. I got both kids from that family (my boy has a niece who is only two years younger than him, in preschool, because his brother is much older) bilingual picture books, and sent home a Spanish Christmas card for the whole family.
I traded a couple texts w/HG this evening. He had asked me to let him know when I am free, so I did. I was thinking about how I had not heard from him since Sunday, then I remembered the last thing he said was that I should let him know when I am free. So he was waiting to hear from me, not the other way around!
I told him I am free Sunday and Wednesday. He said depending on when his sister left (she has been at his house all week) he might get free on Sunday but would 'definitely' be free on Wednesday. So, we shall see...
My kids just left with their dad five minutes ago.
I got bonus time actually, I thought he would pick them up after work. Instead he texted at 5 that our mutual friend/his coworker (who has worked with Dan on and off for 10 years through a couple different companies in a couple different states) had the transmission go out on his car and it was stuck at work. Could I keep the kids? I said sure. He went and got his trailer and went back up there to help friend load it up and drop it off at his house.
That meant I got three extra hours with the kids. We rented the animated A Christmas Carol on Pay Per View and cuddled on the couch. Before that we baked and decorated cookies for Santa, and before that we had a battle between our knights action figures and our Star Wars action figures. The SW guys had better technology on their side, so they won. Turns out that a lance vs a lightsaber is not much of a battle.
So anyway they just left and I am a little teary... I will be on my own all day tomorrow, my first Christmas Eve alone. Was thinking of going to the movies but there is a big storm that just started creeping in to the metro and we are going to get ice and snow all night... so I may just be hunkered down here till Christmas morning. Then I go to Dan's to watch kids get their Santa stuff and open our presents.
BBJ, it's nice that you're still able to open presents as a family, I think that means something to the kids. Xmas Eve alone will be weird but you can always go to church, lots of company there...and it's free!
Yes, Wii, I am definitely going to church. Our service is not till 10 pm but that is fine because the weather is supposed to be deteriorating for the next 12-18 hours anyway! I had live Nativity on Tuesday and youth group last night. I almost wish there was something at church every night because I always feel so welcome and comfortable there...
I almost wish there was something at church every night because I always feel so welcome and comfortable there...
That's where I go to feel comfortable too!
Mixed bag today....all day of nothing but decluttering and organizing. I put a couple months of checking into Quicken so I am up to November. I love being ready by tax time... Did a couple loads of laundry and filed a bunch of papers, kids' school work in their 'keepsafe' boxes. Caught up on my DVR and watched Couple's Retreat.
I was doing ok till it was bedtime. The kids called at 8:45 to say goodnight and they were so excited!
I was happy but I was sad bc I wasn't there... I am going over at seven with monkey bread so we can do our Christmas morning and open presents.
I was leaving for church and Dan texted me two pictures of the kids in their Christmas jammies, one clutching their empty stockings in anticipation and one standing in front of their Christmas tree. It made me smile and cry at the same time.
Then I went to church and I was emotional because I was the only person sitting in my pew. So many families there, and then there was me. But hey our Pastor is only 28, he has no kids or wife and his family lives hours away. So if he can handle it, so can I!
Oh and HG texted me too as I was leaving for church. Wanted to know how my day was going and when I got my kids back. It was nice to hear from him.
Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!
Merry Christmas Bobbi Jo. Hope it's wonderful with lots of great memories.
About to go take a nap with Sydney and her new American Girl. Just finished installing Nathan's new Lego game so he can play it while we are napping! Had a wonderful morning...went over to Dan's house and the kids got up and found their Santa presents. Then we opened gifts together and then came back home....so far a wonderful morning!
Hope 2011 brings you love and happiness...
M
Merry belated Christmas BBJ and here is to 2011... just might be THE year for all of us
Well have not posted bc I am not sure what is 'worth' posting anymore...
Dan has been texting a lot. Six times yesterday alone. He texted to ask if Nathan was feeling better (he had been sick on Monday) and I told him yes, two boy cousins were over for a play date in fact. Then he replied back saying how he bet they would have a full-on Star Wars battle, etc etc.
Then a few hours later he texted again to ask how Nathan was and then another one "Tell him thanks for sharing"...so I guess that is his way of telling me he was sick. Don't know why he feels the need to text so much when he has a girlfriend he could be texting instead.
Anyway it has been a great week at home with the kids. Yesterday the boys came over and played with Nathan and Sydney. Last night we camped out on the floor in the living room again (the boys went home so it was just the kids and I). Tomorrow we will hang out and then Friday Sydney gets to have a friend come over during the day. Then Friday night we will hang out just the 3 of us to ring in the New Year.
And tonight was Date #6 with HG. We finally got to go ice skating! It was actually low 40s and misting so not cold at all!
As soon as we got on the ice I was wobbly and he held his hand out to me. So we held hands the whole time we were skating. Which is the most action we have had so far!
The downer was I just got my hair done (cut/highlights and lowlights) today but with all the mist it got pretty deflated and drowned rat looking...on the bright side it got kind of wavy which it never does normally.
While skating I saw one of Nathan's classmates...I don't think he saw HG since we were waiting to buy bottles of water at the time and not holding hands. Nathan doesn't know I am dating so that would be awkward. I also ran into a high school classmate on the ice; had not seen him in 10 years so that was kind of wild...
Anyway we went skating for about 90 minutes, then we walked around the Old Market area of Omaha--google it, it's a nice little area! There is a little river-stream running through the area so we went down to the water's edge and walked the trail there, all the trees had lights in them and it was quite pretty. I got the feeling he might have wanted to kiss me while we were walking, but he didn't.
Then we walked back up to street level and he asked if I wanted to get a drink. So we went to a brewery place and got a beer and split some chips and salsa.
When he walked me back to my car he said he had fun and (again) said he wasn't really ready for anything serious and just enjoyed hanging out with me when our schedules lined up. He said this right after giving me an extra long hug and me just enjoying being there in his arms for a bit...it is clear he is really gun shy. He said he was having some drama with his daughters (his ex just announced she is moving into her boyfriend's house so now the girls will be living with the OM half the time...ick...and they don't want to live there) and he was not sure how much support they would need.
I just told him no worries, glad your daughters are your priority one bc my kids are for me, too. That I had no plans or expectations and just enjoyed hanging out when we got the chance. Maybe this makes me weird, but I meant it. I don't want a serious relationship right now, just companionship and time with someone I like spending time with when I can.
Glad you had a nice time, BBJ. Yes, there's no need to rush into anything. Seems like most of the time people rush into things and then rush right out again. Friendship and nice experiences are good things just by themselves.
Thanks. Even if we are just friends who go to basketball games and do other things together, that is fine with me. I don't want to rush into a physical relationship before I am ready and wind up with regrets...
A guy friend of mine thinks it is weird that HG has not tried to kiss me after this many outings but honestly I like it this way. Some people are ready for a passionate fling even if it is short term. I thought I might be but turns out, I am not. I made out with Golf/Luau guy a couple months ago and I just have no desire to see him anymore. Got that hormone thing out of my system and that was it...I genuinely like HG and would rather just hang out in a friendly way than push anything.
It all sounds good to me. Just having some companionship with someone you really enjoy being with is great! Not having any stress to take the "relationship" to another level is priceless! Enjoy it!!
BA
Couldn't agree more, BA (is it wrong that whenever I type BA I think of the "A Team"?)
I don't want a full out R with anyone but I do like having someone who seems to be a genuinely good person to spend time with. The ice skating was so fun!
It sounds like right now, you are both building a friendship and then see if more comes later. No pressure can be so nice.
I hope you have a wonderful New Year's.
kat
Happy New Year. One of my coworkers is leaving the paper and moving to Des Moines. When he told me, I wondered whether that's close to BBJ?
Happy New Year. One of my coworkers is leaving the paper and moving to Des Moines. When he told me, I wondered whether that's close to BBJ?
My sister lives there. It is 145 miles from here. Not bad, I can make it in 2 hours if I hurry!
Happy New Year to you, too Mish! Ready to leave this year far behind me...
I kissed my kids at midnight so not sure what that bodes for next year... I also traded Happy New Year wishes with HG via text. I was home w/my kids and he with his. How it should be...
The kids and I celebrated New Year's at eight with silly string and yelling and hats. Then I took them to see the newest Narnia movie. Got back in the door at straight up midnight, so I kissed them both as I carried them in to bed. They both crashed hard in the car. Go figure, it was late! And the eight year old is getting harder and harder to carry as he is pushing 60 pounds and getting taller every day!
Happy New Year!! Isn't silly string fun?? We had a blast and got to spray it at S18's friends!! Glad you had a good time.
hugs, kat
That sounds like a marvelous way to ring in the new year!
Happy New Year BBJ! Sounds like you had a great time celebrating New Year's with the kids
Here's to a better 2011 for all of us! cheers!
New Year's was great...back to work today, not so much!
The holidays and the whole new year thing had me in a funk. There were a couple days in there where I cried. A lot. But I got past it. Now there is just this little pang of sadness and regret for what might have been. I suppose that is normal this time of year.
I have found myself thinking about HG more this week, too. I just really enjoyed our last date. The ice skating was fun, and then when he suggested we go for a walk, it was even better. Walking along the water with all the lights in the trees, very pretty. Even once we came back up and were walking past all the shops and restaurants it seemed like it was just us despite the pretty heavy foot traffic. Conversation just comes easily when we hang out, we pretty much talk the entire time we are together which is usually 3-4 hours.
Anyway I really like spending time with him. Too bad our schedules don't align more although if they did then maybe it wouldn't seem as great when we got together. The whole absence and the heart thing...
Hey Bobbi, Happy New Year! I'm sorry to hear you were sad, but its inevitable hey.
Its great you have found someone you enjoy spending time with and there is no pressure there to move the relationship on at all. Loneliness is so horrible so yes, its a shame his schedules out of line.. small suggestion, can you see if Dan will switch weekends, so you can align schedules!? Means either you or Dan would miss one, or get two weekends in a row, but then its done.
Makes me smile though as it really highlights the difference between the US and the UK.. if a British guy hadnt tried to kiss you, or sleep with you by date 6, you'd assume he was either gay, or dating someone else!
Ali, we may wind up switching our weeks starting in March...I have two contests for the speech kids I coach and they are both on 'my weekends'...so i might ask if we can just switch it up. Then things would line up which is good too. Granted we aren't 'a couple' so I don't want to change up my life just for that reason! So, we shall see. Last we chatted was NYE (friday midnight) and I am waiting to see if he contacts me...
The lonliness thing does stink, it comes and goes in waves, and I found this time that it caused me to think of connecting with HG versus connecting with Dan which is interesting.
It's funny I had a dream last night that Dan was acting like he might want back 'in'... and out of nowhere, while I was considering this, my favorite pastor I listen to on the radio/online walks up to me and basically says, "He's gone, it's done, move on!" Or something to that effect.
It was funny because I have been asking God to give me some guidance in general and with Dan--I have pretty much been dark on him since Christmas because that time of being together with the kids affected me and I don't want to be in that position again...and then 'my' pastor tells me to just keep on walking and doing what I'm doing!
Hello, excellent sign!
Oh and btw trust me, he is not gay!
He just got divorced officially last month, and was married with a minivan--literally--when he was 21. So 16 years off the market and he is very tentative. He is the one who told me he wasn't ready for anything serious and I agreed totally. I am not either. However I would like to talk to him more than once a week (and a couple texts in there too)...oh well so be it. If I had him calling every day and texting nonstop that would annoy me more!
Do you initiate some of the communication with him? There is no harm in sending little updates about your day sometimes. I find with me that sometimes I am so stuck in LRT that I *never* initiate which just doesn't apply when you are newly seeing a guy. So long as you aren't stalking
How is it being back to school? My kids weren't looking forward to it. Now S18 loves it because he only goes half days and is going to work on scholarship apps and maybe pick up an extra shift here and there at work.
The girls switched beds on the bunk beds. D10 is now on the top bunk. I may have to get them to change back again because this morning D10 forgot they switched and fell on her bum. Poor baby.
Hope things continue to go well with HG.
kat
I wish we started back with a short week instead of a full one!
Dan was ticked tonight bc Sydney's bed came today. I went home at lunch (my mom met the delivery guys)and took a pic and showed it to her back at school. Well I guess when he picked her up she wanted to come see her bed. He is mad that I told her it was here since she is at his house the next few days...he actually asked how I expected him to 'handle' tonight with her wanting to come here.
Well, I handled her asking if daddy could come home as her Christmas present...and I handled nathan last week asking if Daddy and I could get married again in the backyard someday. So he can 'handle' Sydney wanting to come see her bed.
Things are continuing on the same slow path with HG....I decided to heck with it and sent him a text last night hoping he was having a stress-free week. I did that bc last we talked he was having a lot of drama...
He replied back that he doubted he would have a stress free week any time soon but it was a pretty good week. And said something about going to watch his daughter play volleyball. Then he sent me another one apologizing for being a "Debbie Downer" and saying he had way too much to be thankful for.
That just cracked me up bc I LOVE the Debbie Downer skits on SNL....
Well,I hate to be a Dan-er but I've got to agree with Mr. Wonderful on this one! You got excited, didn't think about how she might react...it happens. I'd probably have done the same thing as you! So, what if you had said "you're right Dan, I wasn't thinking, my bad", would that blow his socks off? I know he's not real good at presenting his points in a sensitive manner, and I don't imagine he did so this time, but it's OK for you to have made a mistake. Sometimes when you're able to voice that it takes the wind right out of their sails and if it doesn't you can always fall back on "f@ck you!"
Typically when I concede like that he pushes it further to sort of get one over on me. I just replied, "Tell her I have not washed the new bedding and won't bc I am out tonight so she cannot sleep in it yet anyway."
However I had the "I handled [censored] asking..." loaded as a draft just in case he fired back something jerky.
He did not respond at all though!
He did not respond at all though!
Just the way you like it!
So you didn't have to go on that trip yesterday did you?? That would have been a stranded Bobbi Jo just waiting to happen. Hope all is well with you. It is colder than cold down here! lol
kat
No Kat, my trip got canceled....so I went to school. But it was a 2 hr late start, at least! 90% of the schools here were closed and a lot of parents were angry that we were open. The high school has 500 kids and 120 were out yesterday...one first grade teacher only had 8 kids show up, so I guess the parents called a snow day on their own!
Today was another 2 hr late one, but tomorrow I think we will be back on track since it will ONLY be -8* F overnight!!
Haven't posted much it seems there is nothing to post. Haven't been to my IC since November, I have too much going on and no time.
Not a lot of Dan interacton, which is fine...he is in Canada till Sunday and been there since last Sunday. Last night kids tried to call and got VM. Supposedly inside the plant there is no reception because A--it is a remote location and B-They are inside a lot of concrete
Anyway I put kids to bed and around 10:15 I noticed 3 messages from Dan. Basically saying sorry, just left the plant, I will call tomorrow. And then another sorry with a frowny face... Guess he misses the kids.
I am kind of bummed about the HG situation but I should not be. He made it clear he was not ready for anything serious, and neither am I. But still, since we went ice skating two weeks ago he has not initiated any communication. I can see not being a couple but we could at least talk!
Going off advice here I texted him a few times. Last Weds I texted and he replied within minutes and we traded a handful of texts. Same thing on Saturday night. And if I asked him to meet up when schedules aligned I am pretty sure he would say yes....thing is even in a casual hanging out situation I don't want to be the only one driving the bus....and it's unfortunate bc next month I think our kids' plan is going to flip flop weeks and then HG and I would be on the same schedule as for which weekends are kid free.
OK time to get to work and get caught up....with the kids home Monday and the past two mornings I have played with them instead of cleaning or doing laundry and I am behind!
Are you rooting for Iowa State? You know who I am cheering for. Kinda of at the game together virtually if you are!
kat
Weird how life begins to evolve around "whose weekend it is."
Yes Kat I was watching, but it was not so pretty for ISU. I still have to say I enjoy watching KU, just when they play OTHER teams!
And yes, CTH, a lot of plans with and without the kids are determined my schedule more so now that I don't have them all the time....same as all of you, I know...just takes getting used to.
I was a good girl and didn't wish any ill will on any other team playing last night. Just cheering on KU. Some surprises in the Big 12. None as big as Duke though. Wish I could say we both had fun watching!
kat
So what's been going on in your world BBJ?
Are you getting ready for the new snow? They are calling for 7-10 inches here!! Yikes! I may have to take a snow day.
kat
Kat, only a few inches here...not sure if we will get a late start or not...
Mish....no clue what to post anymore. Kids are great, Nathan scored a basket in his game last Saturday!!
I have had a few rough moments come up. I don't know why, just times where I have been down about Dan. Last night I had a dream that he was living here again for some reason and I had hired a wedding planner (???WTF???) behind his back and was planning a wedding. He came in the house and saw me with the planner and flipped out and I wound up clinging to his arm and begging him to stay...what the hell?? Shouldn't I be past this by now?? Just a dream, but still!
In real life, things are ok. He was at basketball practice Monday night and was all chatty and friend-y. Granted the night before I kept the kids for him because his flight got in later than expected. He took them Mon after practice to make up for it...
Then he texted me today that his boss informed him he had to meet one of their owners at the airport and take him to dinner....Weds is always his kid night. He said his parents would take them and feed them and go to his house to put them to bed unless I wanted them...
I had a big mtg after school and then church. I just told him that I would love to but I had dinner plans. (I did, at church, but he didn't need that information!) He said not a problem, just giving you the opportunity...
Work is going well, still love my job! My ESL boy learned a new phrase today, "I'm telllllling on youuuuu!" It was cute and the girl totally deserved it!
On the HG front, it has been 3 weeks since our ice skating date. I am working on switching my weekends w/Dan for speech stuff which would also line mine up w/HG... he said to let him know when I was free again.
So I texted tonight that I was working on the schedule change but until then, I was free next Wed. He replied pretty quickly and said he would be free and we would have to think of something fun to do.
Ouch! My feet hurt...I ran into Sydney's daycare this morning and slipped on melted snow. I fell but contorted myself in a weird way to keep from hurting Sydney as I was carrying her. Did something to my feet and now they hurt!!
Hey Bobbi.. well from what I understand, its not a linear process, you're going to still have these feelings, slide backs etc, I mean you were with him for half your adult life, its understandable isnt it.
I was thinking about you last night. I have a friend whose H is border line abusive, just the way he barks at the kids and is hard on them at times, talks down to my friend, is critical, rude, blaming her, positively nasty sometimes, controlling, critical of her parenting..He's also been texting and contacting old girlfriends on FB, but she stayed with him because he continually refused to discuss it, or admit to any affair. She is finally able to recognise it for what it is - emotional and verbal abuse and is planning to leave him imminently. She lost sight of herself and whats best for her kids. This type of abuse chips away at you, undermines you, you get anaethetised to it and you start excusing that person and even thinking you are somehow to blame.
I know your marriage is past this point now and you had alot of IC, but...when I think back, as an outsider, on some of the things Dan has said, texted and done to you, it sort of beggars belief that you would have stayed with him, neverlone still mourn his loss. But its not as simple as that hey, as like my friend, you loved him and were emotionally invested and having young children complicates it. Its been hard for her to let go of the dream and admit that she cant fix it.
My friend is now talking to other woman whose husbands made them feel the way hers has. Shes now putting her energies into understanding herself, her rights, her future, rather than trying to understand him or his major issues (seems to be about his mother, natch). She's slowly coming out of that fog and I hope she can move on with her kids (3 and 4). She has a hard road ahead, but whatever it brings, she deserves better than a lifetime with him.
Some people are just toxic hey, as much as you try to help them and urge them to go to IC or MC (her H flat refused).
Sorry for long story. Love and hugs to you, you're doing well kiddo
Al xxx
Thanks Al! I know I think I still have that 'magical thinking' or denial thing way strong in me...I have this way of experiencing something bad and then in a matter of hours/days I turn it all around in my head.
It can be good, as my son said last month, "Mommy how can you always take something bad and make it into something good??"
But it can also be bad. I can be upset remembering the times Dan chewed me out for accusing him of cheating and making me into the crazy paranoid bad guy. ME, his wife, mother of his kids, lover and supposed best friend???
But then I will think of the time he had 20 freaternity brothers serenade me when he proposed, and of the time we spend 5 yrs ago in Mexico lounging on the beach and genuinely enjoying being together...and I focus on the good and forget the bad.
I always said I had the grudge factor of a gnat, I just don't hold on to thing that hurt me. But yet in this case I know I should...
Maybe we should rub off on each other a bit. I have this great memory and it remembers hurts and wrongs like crazy. I have a (slight) grudge on a girl that got me in trouble when I was eight for crying out loud and then of course K had to deal with the hurt I held on to for 28 years. (I did let go of that one as I really worked it through). I always say it takes a bit to get my Irish temper up, but once it is watch out!
You should remember how much Dan has lied to you and let him go.
kat
I always said I had the grudge factor of a gnat, I just don't hold on to thing that hurt me. But yet in this case I know I should...
I'm the same way...and I like it. We're all allocated a finite amount of time in our lives, gotta make everyday worth living. Holding a grudge bogs you down from moving forward. Sure I have moments where I feel angry but it usually only lasts minutes...then it's back to the present!
I think the biggest reason for my feeling anger and hurt is from DD's perspective. She wants us to be together so bad and I wish with every fiber of my existence I could somehow make it happen for her but the sad reality is that I can't.
I always said I had the grudge factor of a gnat, I just don't hold on to thing that hurt me. But yet in this case I know I should...
I'm the same way...and I like it. We're all allocated a finite amount of time in our lives, gotta make everyday worth living. Holding a grudge bogs you down from moving forward. Sure I have moments where I feel angry but it usually only lasts minutes...then it's back to the present!
I think the biggest reason for my feeling anger and hurt is from DD's perspective. She wants us to be together so bad and I wish with every fiber of my existence I could somehow make it happen for her but the sad reality is that I can't.
This gets me too. Both of my kids are very open that they want their mommy and daddy back together. I hate that i can't fix that by myself, but I can't.
Last night Nathan was up sick w/the flu and he was talking to me about his dad again. That his dad yells at him a lot and it makes him feel bad, that after basketball games last fall his dad would yell at him in the car for not doing a better job. He said his dad is mad a lot and it makes his time with him 'not fun'. He went so far as to say he wished he had more time with me and less w/his dad bc 'dad gets mad a lot'.
UGH! I don't want to throw his dad under the bus but I did acknowledge his feelings. And reinforced for him that his dad's anger is one of the reasons he doesn't live here anymore...and it helped remind me that I don't want THIS Dan back, anyway, bc it would be miserable living with such an angry miserable person day in day out.
I heard something on the radio tonight on my way home from my date...
It was a call in show and the woman was talking about her on again off again boyfriend and how nothing she did was ever good enough, she tried to please/appease him, etc.
And the host said, "You need to understand something. You are never going to please him. It does not matter what you do. He actually does not WANT you to please him...his anger and judgement of you is his way to control you."
I have heard it before in similar words but that really got to me. Especially bc I think of it not only in terms of me, but my kids. I want them to understand it is not their job to twist themselves in knots to please their dad...
I heard something on the radio tonight on my way home from my date...
And how did the date go??? Hopefully well!
I am in somewhat of the same boat as you in that the woman I am seeing has a custody schedule that doesn't line up well with mine so we are only able to get together once every couple of weeks. We are contemplating ways that we can rectify this problem, but each of our schedules are the way they are for very valid kid reasons. For now we just enjoy the times we are able to have together.
BA
Our date went really well.
We met at a newly redeveloped section of Omaha, it used to be a racetrack and fairgrounds and now it is a two story gym, movie theater, bakery, restaurant, lounge retail complex....
We saw The Dilemma. He paid for tickets, he suggested we split a popcorn and I offered to pay for it. So we got popcorn and drinks. Went in and they showed hot dogs on the preview, 3 for $3. He thought that was a good deal (neither of us had eaten dinner) and asked if I would eat one if he got them. I said sure cause I was starving! Anyway he came back laughing bc they were each like 3 inches long...maybe not such a good deal!
So anyway the movie was really funny. At least for me bc I love me some Vince Vaughn... he laughed a lot too and there was an 80 yr old couple behind us giving LOUD running commentary so we laughed at them and the movie.
Thirty minutes into the movie he put down the popcorn and held my hand. I realize we are moving at middle school pace here but I liked it.
After the movie we walked across the steet to a lounge. We each ordered a beer and sat in the corner, wound up talking for 2 hours. I really feel comfortable talking to him and I am enjoying getting to know him better...
He walked me to my car and we chatted for a minute. I have no clue what I am supposed to do at that point! I mean we meet up so we are not in the same car, which means we wind up standing outside my car (he always walks me to my car which I think is sweet) on a public street... So as I said we stood there another minute and then another big hug goodbye as we have done the past couple times.
So I realize I totally gave a play by play. Guess it is obvious I like him.
I mean as much as you can like someone you have gone out with a handful of times and haven't kissed yet.
This is unrelated but kinda related...it doesn't matter but as I am trying to observe objectively I find it interesting...
Two Wednesdays ago Dan had a customer in town or some conflict I cannot remember exactly--it was his day w/kids. He texted me offering me the chance to keep them, or he would let his parents. I said thanks but I have plans...and left it at that.
Then this time he was supposed to go to a meeting on Wednesday and he told me on the phone (which reminds me he has been calling a crap-ton lately) Tuesday. I said, "Well I would love to help but I can't keep them past six bc I have places to be"...
Both kids have been sick most of the week, Sydney missed school all but Weds and should have been home then! I tried to send her but her fever came back that evening.
Anyway I had Nathan's asthma nebulizer machine, Dan had run it over the night before. So as I left the house I texted Dan that I was headed to a movie and the nebulizer was in my entry if he wanted it.
I think he has figured out I am seeing someone. Lo and behold he texted three times and then called me Weds night. And then called me six times yesterday when I was home with [censored]. How many times can you call to check on a kid when you haven't called that much ever before when she was sick??
Anyway his ow must be busy or he is bored or something bc his contact has ratcheted up in the past week.
I am trying to keep on his good side bc I requested that we flip-flop our scheduled weekends with the kids. Partly bc I need certain weekends free to travel to speech contests with the kids I coach, but also partly so HG and I have the same free weekends. I want to get that settled first and then I will be better about nipping his random phone calls in the bud...
Too funny! Dan is trying to get in your head by calling instead of texting. You're probably right, he knows you are seeing someone and he's getting a little panicked about it. Oh well....his problem. Let him stew.
Hmm....so remember that thing where when we first started here we would make goal lists of things we wanted from our then-spouses?
I wanted Dan to call me to talk to me and not the kids.
I wanted him to initiate contact instead of me.
I wanted him to invite me on outings w/the kids instead of just accepting when I invited him.
So, this past week he has hit the trifecta...
I am supposed to hand the kids off to him on my weekends, after church. Then he gets them Sunday afternoon and overnight. Sometimes I text asking when he wants them bc sometimes it is right at 11:40 when church lets out and other times he might be 'busy' on the farm or wherever and say 3 or 4. Two weeks ago he was out of town and didn't get back till 7...
So anyway i didn't text him bc I didn't really care today, I have no plans except laundry. So he texted me instead (I figured I would have to call sometime after church) and asked if I wanted to go get lunch after church.i said fine kids and I were planning on going to Pizza Hut. So he met us there and he paid.
Sad thing is when I told kids we were meeting daddy they both whined and said, "NO!" They just wanted lunch with me. I asked what was the deal bc they always want us to do stuff together, and we don't. So they said it's bc Daddy is such a grump and they would rather be with me. Ouch...
Out of the mouths of babes comes TRUTH!!!
I know Mish, too bad he doesn't believe it. Nathan even said the other night he wished he was with me more often and not as often with is dad.
So this day keeps getting weirder. First he invites me out to lunch. And pays.
Well at lunch we were talking about the big school bond initiative. He is working actively to promote it. I am not doing a lot bc as a teacher it is kind of sensitive, can't speak as a representative of the school, use my title, do anything on school time, school grounds, with my school computer etc to promote it.
The other night he called to see if it was ok for me to put a sign in my yard, and then promptly drove over and put one in my yard for me!
Anyway today he asked if I was allowed to call people because he is on the calling team, has gone through three call sheets and has another one left. I said I would prob have to check w/my union rep and see if it was ok for teachers to call. (I doubt I really need to ask as long as I don't do it on school time but that's what I told him).
Well I leave him with the kids and go shopping. 3 hrs later he tests me "What does your teamster boss have to say?" He and I make fun of the teacher's union all the time so I knew he was kidding. (No offense union people but I think the teacher's union is a menace)
Then I replied back, "She said just make sure I am well compensated for my services
" I was teasing bc he thinks unions always ask for money for everything.
Well he replied back, "Neat" and then "Fine". I thought oh great now he is going to be pissy. Instead he texted "Then I will make you some brownies."
I replied back that I had been kidding but I do like brownies. He asked if he could drop a sheet by and I said I was out but would be home after 6.
He just came by with the sheet. I tried to take it in the driveway but he insisted on coming in so he could explain the 'process' to me... When he left I said, "Oh btw you know I don't like nuts in my brownies" He said, "I know..." I really can't eat brownies on my food plan but it would be hilarious if he made them.
So he no more than leaves then I get a phone call from him. He wants to know the name of the family he mentioned to me on the list that was voting no. Um, you just told me their names! I read it off and he said Yep they are mom and dad's neighbors. Well if you know who they are why call? And then one minute later he texts me that Sydney took a 2 hr nap today. Again, it is his day, why do I need to know?
As well. This is kind of fun.
Back to work now. I bought a funky new ceiling fan cleaner and a wireless printer for my laptop. Time to clean and organize!
Oh and supposed to get another 6-8" Monday-Wednesday this week. Grr!!
Grrrr, he is "sucking you back in" my darling.
I so wish you find a nice man and get your mind off of Dan.
K
No he isn't! I already found a nice man...a very nice man. I spend more time thinking about him than I do dan...
I think this is good BBJ. You have options. You are going to be able to do what you feel is best for you.
Dan smells it too BBj... that's why he is circling his wagons. i agree with Kalni. Watch yourself!
I hope you can get your weekends switched but I would try now before Dan figures out that you are seeing someone (sort of).
Dan smells it too BBj... that's why he is circling his wagons. i agree with Kalni. Watch yourself!
I hope you can get your weekends switched but I would try now before Dan figures out that you are seeing someone (sort of).
THIS^^^
That's what I am trying to do. I have sent him two emails, I don't really want to call him to talk about it. After the first one he texted me that we could talk weekends when he got back from his trip...then he never brought it up.
I sent a detailed but brief email stating I needed to switch for February bc of speech contests...and said I would like to switch permanently. Switching means I get them Christmas and he gets them New Years and Spring Break which lines up with our 2011 schedule, so it would mean less rearranging down the line, which should appeal to his logical side.
We got a call at 6:45 from the superintendent saying 2 hr late start due to a patch of freezing rain that moved in unexpecedly. This is an automated call that goes out to all parents and it gave the reason clearly. Ten minutes later Dan calls me and asks me if I knew there was a late start (duh I am a teacher and he knows I am in the system) and then he asks me why we are having a late start. I said, "Did you listen to the message?" He said Yeah and I said, "Then you know it's because of freezing rain" and he says, "Yeah it is slippery outside" Seriously? So no need to call me!
I am more watching with amusement than getting sucked back in. For all I know he is being nice bc he and Steffie are getting married on Valentine's Day and he wants to butter me up. No more assuming his motives...
SC I love that 'seeing each other -sort of'
We are kind of unusual I guess.
When we went out right before Christmas, he asked if I was seeing anybody else, if I had been out a lot with people from the dating site, etc. I said I had been out with a few but wasn't seeing anyone else at the time. He said the same.
I said I was pretty much done w/Match bc I blocked 2200 guys and hadn't met many worth seeing. He said he was quitting too for similar reasons.
Anyway I verified a couple weeks ago and his profile is gone (so is mine bc I quit at the end of December). No we aren't in a relationship but I wanted to see if he meant what he said.
So, we are hanging out together and not seeing anyone else, but yet we aren't bf/gf. So far I really like how things are going.
And with spring (hopefully) around the corner having common weekends will be awesome to get outside and do things.
In other news, I got on the scale this morning and am the lowest I have been since January 2010.
Unfortunately I am still 20 pounds from where I was January 2008!
So I will be upping my workouts. I am up to 4.5 miles on the treadmill. I have been playing with the programs on my treadmill and trying different hill/speed intervals. That seems to be making a positive difference. Last night I did a "glute toner" program where the incline was between 5-12 the entire time. That is a lot for me!
I just can't work out on my own -- at least not for more than 10 minutes. A person from church got me going to these 5 a.m. Body Pump and Body Combat classes and I'm finally feeling back in shape -- although I'm beat by 9 p.m.
I really like the girl-guy ratio. Today it was 4-1 women, including this one lady who looks like she's in her early 30s and in awesome shape. She lifted as much as I did on every body part.
I think I need to push myself a little more.
...and stop comparing myself to others in the class!
Anybody doing CrossFit? Sometimes I think I am really insane, but the results are unbelievable. Of course, your diet is 80% of how you look. They want us on the Zone or Paleo diet. I'm pretty good, but yikes! No fun at all. However, cth, I can kick butt with the best of the boys!
Yup I was doing CrossFit but I hurt my back trying to deadlift too much and the training i was getting was not rehab specific. Plus now I don't get free membership (I used to help out there lots) so I don't go to my local affiliate. I recently started doing scaled down CrossFit at the gym down the street with one of the mums from work but then I got a DVT so most exercise is on the back burner for me right now. But don't get me wrong, I love it, but I can't stress enough how important it is to do the following in order, mechanics, consistency, intensity! I also love love love CrossFit kids and one of these days I'll get my butt over to the States to do a kids cert. I have done a Level 1 Cert and also Mike Burgener's Oly lifting cert. And I agree, nutrition is 80% of the problem in today's society.
I've been doing Fridgefit for ages...open, close, open, close...it's a complete upper body workout and can be done in the comfort and privacy of your own home. No gym fees or costly equipment to purchase as the fridge came with the apartment. It's all good.
My trainer writes up my meals and a grocery list for me each week. All whole foods--fruit, vegetables, beef, chicken, eggs, cottage cheese...the only mixing is if I decide to put all my veggies together to heat up. Nothing processed which is always a good thing. I have drastically cut down on the pop/soda I drink, too. I used to drink some every day (like 24 oz). Now I might drink 12 oz a couple times a week...and I eat out maybe once or twice a month instead of 2-4 times a week. And I drink a lot more water.
Exercise wise I am mostly just running at this point. I will add more things when the weather warms up.
Well at my weigh in last week I was down 1.5 scale pounds but 4 fat pounds, so that's good...
The past three days I have started crying out of nowhere each day, once or twice. Every time I think I am past this crap it seems to surface again. Hopefully it will pass quickly...last night my D said it makes her sad to 'look all around the house and daddy isn't here'. And my son mentioned out of the blue that whenever their dad takes them home from daycare they drive by my house (which is close by but not on the way so that is weird)...
Stuff like that along with it being the commercial season of love, plus being bitterly cold and snowy for weeks, does not help the mood.
On the positive side I am going out with HG again Saturday. This will be date 8, he has not kissed me yet so we shall see...
Get it over with Bobbi Jo and kiss the guy. It doesn't have to be hot and have just a simple kiss. You both are being so cautious if one of you doesn't so something soon it will end up in the friend zone.
Oh and my exMil who I talk to a couple times a week and see at least once a week (just saw her last night bc she had the kids for a few hours, it was their dad's night but he was in Canada so I only got a small reprieve), sent me her annual letter.
She sends her letter at Vday instead of Christmas bc she thinks there is already enough to do at Christmas.
Well it was a great letter except it is the first time I did not appear in any form or fashion. Which I guess is to be expected since we are D but it was weird reading the family letter with stuff about Dan and my/our kids and not being part of it. Not sure why she felt the need to send it to me considering....
Hope you and your kids are doing well. Sorry you had to experience the hurt of reading the vday letter. We can always count on God to love us. Thank God we have our kids to love us too.
Oh blimey, not one of those family round robins! How hurtful and unnecessary of her, she obviously has no perception of how you might feel or how this may effect you. Blow it off hey.
Wow, 8 dates and no kisses!?? I've moved in with guys sooner than that
I agree with Kat, just reach up and kiss him. He sounds kind of insecure about rejection if he makes a move? Did his wife leave him by any chance? So.. is there any spark, chemistry, is there an air of unbridled unrequited passion and tension in the air when you see him, or.. not really?! Maybe its not happening if theres no urge to on either side..?
Thanks Rysmom and Ali....
yes Al I suppose I could kiss him if I wanted to 'go there', but I am not getting any signals from him at all. In fact I only felt hesitance and fear coming off of him at the end of the date. I don't take it personally. I mean I know he likes me or he would not have gone out with me 8 times.
He said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship which I was fine with. But, it would appear he is not ready for any kind of intimacy at all which I am not so fine with.
If we just agree to be buddies and hang out together then that would actually be fine, because I would not spend half our date wondering if we are going to kiss or touch or not....but if we are supposed to be more then I would expect more.
And again, I could kiss him but ultimately I don't want to be with someone where I have to do all the pursuing. So I am just letting go and not stressing about it.
I have cancelled my membership to Match so if anyone new appears it will have to be from my circle of friends and connections
If a guy hadn't kissed ME after 8 dates I would assume he's just a buddy. Maybe your new gay best friend.
I've NEVER been on 8 dates with a guy and not been kissed. Not even sure if I've been on ONE real date with a guy and not been kissed? (Coffee dates excluded). Then again, I am from the slutty generation, free love and all that
BBJ, I'm having a little dilemma of my own... would love your input if you would be so kind.
find me here
I understand completely that you do not want to be the one to initiate the first kiss. This dating stuff is hard!
I agree completely that this dating stuff is hard!!!
Luckily the kissing stuff is so nice that it makes it worthwhile to keep at it!
BA
Um yeah BA thanks for that reminder...I have heard the kissing is fun but apparently the guy who went out with me EIGHT TIMES did not get the memo!!
There are plenty of other fish. Funny what I initially found attractive about him is that he was such a gentleman and not a loud, noisy, player type. Now it seems I find him to be too reserved.
It is hard for me to find someone who is respectful and a gentleman but also mixed with sarcasm and some flirtiness,if that makes sense.
The guys who start out teasing and smart-@ss tend to want too much physical action for my comfort level, too soon. But then the ones who respect my limits so far have also been almost too nice...there needs to be a little of that electricity Ali mentioned.
And yes Ali, the first few dates it was there. Even when we went ice skating, that was the first time he took my hand and I was surprised and delighted.
Then the date before this one, about a month ago, he took my hand again at the movies and I liked it. But this last date, he didn't try to touch me in any fashion the entire evening and I just didn't feel any interest coming from him. So, oh well...
Forgot to mention my Valentine's day was great! Well flowers from a cute guy would have been nice but I appreciate what I have instead of wishing for more...
At 7:45 my doorbell rang. I was just about to leave for work. I open the door and there stand the kids! They had stayed at their dad's the night before. They handed me cards from their dad to them (presumably to keep so they didn't have to take them to school), two boxes of candy, and then a card for me.
I hugged and kissed them both and they jumped back in with their dad to go to school. I opened the card and it said something about "so glad we are family, to share laughter and memories" or something like that and then said "want you to know you are loved". I thought it was odd it referenced family not "mom" till I got to the end and my kids had signed it from them and also from their dad.
So I texted him thanks for the card and for bringing the kids over. Later that night after Nathan's ball practice I asked if they wanted some of their candy from Dad (it was two boxes so I assumed it went with their cards from him). And Nathan said, "No the candy is for you, daddy told us to pick it out for you." So I texted him again and said sorry didn't realize it was for me and he replied, "Duh" and said he didn't buy candy for kids on Vday.
So, candy for me! However I am on a candy-free regimen so I will let the kids eat it.
Oh and golfer guy texted me happy v day. I suppose I should tell him I am just not that into him...
The "duh" really was sweet of him
He really just can't help himself can he!
Well Wii I know he meant it in a teasing way but you are right it was not very mature of him...
So I had a cathartic night at church. I don't know how it happened, my pastor must have just been able to read me better than I realize.
I work in the kitchen at youth group most Wednesdays but hadn't been in a couple weeks. After the last group (we get a few different age groups through over a few hours) he walked outside with me to put a church bumper sticker on my car. Once we were away from the other people he asked me about Nathan. He said he seemed a little angrier lately...that led to a convo about Nathan and Dan and some of his jerkier interactions with our kids.
Then somehow that circled around to me. We had walked back into church and were in the kitchen. I said something about some goals I have for keeping the house clean and organized and he says, "It wasn't your fault." And my voice wavered. I didn't think he would male that connection. I just said, "No, but still it is good to have things organized..." And he cut me off and said, "It's not your fault." Again. And I started crying and tried to respond back again and he just stepped over and put his arm on my shoulder and said, "Even if you had the cleanest house possible, it's not your fault..." And I started crying! I didn't realize I am still blaming myself on some level for his affairs and leaving me, but I guess I am bc as he said that to me it just brought me to tears...
So then I regained composure and thanked him for listening to me. For 28 we have a pretty wise pastor. I am so happy for him and his fiancee that they found each other bc they are awesome people.
Well Wii I know he meant it in a teasing way but you are right it was not very mature of him...
I mention it because his "teasing" always seems to be in ways that reinforce the idea that you're dumb. It's not a one time thing for him but a pattern, which I see as emotional abuse. Even when he does a nice gesture (which I think is part of an ongoing stealth campaign to keep his bread buttered on both sides...sorry I'm no Dan Fan!) he has to spoil it by a big "Duh". Anyway, just my initial reactions to what I read...take it or leave it
Oh I agree Wii....it is definitely a pattern. City Girl said something on another thread about her ex and other's with that type of personality...that they want to keep 'their minions' in their place. I can see that.
OK scratch the apostrophe on others, stupid lack of editing...
Sorry, no can do! "other's" is etched into my memory forever. On the DB site there is not editing or tape delay, it's real life punctual drama at it's finest.
BBJ~
ahhhh.. Dan throwing another hook in the water to see if you bite or nibble. Grrrrrrr
On the 8 date thing, I think I would maybe just ask him over the phone and get it settled. You are both adults so instead of wondering you take the lead and find out if you both are taking it slow or if he just wants to be friends. But don't start out by saying your fine either way. Let his feelings be known first. But it is time to pose the question my dear.
Dating is weird at this stage for sure!
I like that idea sandycay
EX walked away from kids too,I have them ALL the time :-(
Sadly this is pretty much the same for me
Not sure what his deal is but as often as he is crabby, when he is not I will embrace it!
He just had kids call to tell me goodnight. He was asking Nathan about his spelling list and other things while Nathan was talking to me...once I hung up he called right back and asked me about a few papers in the kids' bags.
Nathan had an English worksheet where they had to put the proper punctuation at the end of the sentences.
A couple of them were:
1. We are going fishing today
2. Don't drop it
Dan was upset that several sentences could be construed in multiple ways and Nathan missed a couple but had good reason for what he put. Anyway I agreed (his teacher this year is a bit flaky she is in the middle of a high risk pregnancy and thus not really focused on teaching). Anyway he was frustrated but not at me which was a welcome change.
Then I said something about I couldn't talk to his teacher tomorrow bc I was meeting with the Supt and a big committee all day tomorrow for a panel that I am on. And he says, "Well when you see the Super tomorrow tell him your husband is frustrated with the school."
Yeah, except he isn't my husband anymore! I didn't say that though I just said, "You have his email, I am sure you can tell him what you are concerned about."
OK time to go run. I have been avoiding it all day but it's time...I always feel better after it is just hard to get started sometimes.
I just said, "You have his email, I am sure you can tell him what you are concerned about."
Great response! You did good.
Btw, when he isn't crabby "accept" it, don't "embrace" it. Embracing it gives him too much power.
Enjoy your run.
OK so poor choice of words...I just meant I take the good moods and don't look the gift horse in the mouth.
That was an interesting choice of words on Dan's part in terms of calling himself "your husband."
I remember last year STBXW asked me to look into something insurance wise because if I filed the right form "it could help us."
I thought ... "what us?"
I just figured it was habit.
just like everytime EXH talks to me he says "well, honey....blah blah blah." It's funny when he catches it... he always apologizes.... hey that is what he called me for 19 years. Sometimes I don't notice it but the other soccer moms do! LOL
Hey Bobbi... you kissed Mr 6 dates man yet !? Or was that 7.. 8 ?
Just being nosey
Nope, I have not seen nor heard from him since our 8th date which was two weeks ago. I am not going to continue initiating contact because I prefer to go out with a man who is interested enough to pursue me to some extent.
On the other hand, golf guy had texted me happy vday and again this week he texted to tell me he missed seeing me and talking to me. He was in South Dakota for an interview and suggested getting together when he drove near here on his way back home--he lives 2.5 hours from here. I had my kids so I declined (plus I am not all that in to him) and he said ok, next time. So apparently I will have to be more forward bc we haven't gone out since November and he continues pursuing! I almost wish I did like him more since he is at least attentive.
I am just taking a break from the dating game. I canceled my match membership back in December and I do not feel like eliminating another 2000 profiles to find one good one. So no more looking for a guy.
Funny I was talking about things with my pastor last week. When he comforted me and told me that Dan's As and problems were not my fault. And I said I was not going to go out looking for love, and he said, "But you never know when the right guy could walk into your life." So I am going with that. When Mr. Awesome walks into my world, then I will go out with him. Till then, focusing on work and kids, and getting my house and my life in order.
I am so proud of my speech kids! 41 performances at Districts yesterday got I ratings, and 7 got II ratings. Pretty good stats!
The 41 who got I ratings will perform at State in 2 weeks, trying to earn a nomination to All-State, where the best and brightest from all over Iowa gather to show off for each other.
I reallllly hope we get some kids to All State. Last year we took 6 or 7. This year if we get 3-4 we will be doing well. Some of our superstars graduated so we are in a 'rebuild' year... So much fun with the kids, I was the only coach (there are 3 of us) who rode on the bus with the 45 kids we took and had a blast. Several 'friended' me on FB and I accepted. I have no worries about that bc I am their coach not their teacher and besides I don't post racy stuff on FB anyway!
I am struggling, again. Sick of it. I buck up and rally and find myself sinking again every couple of months. I wonder if it will ever get better. I have just got to find a new counselor or start back at my old one, and maybe get back on meds of some kind.
There is just something mentally wrong with me, I think. I have read till I am blue in the face. I know the principles, I suck at applying them. And even when I say I just want to get over Dan and move on with life, I know for certain that a large chunk of me doesn't really want to.
Like if I met with a counselor tomorrow and he/she said "Here you go. Drink this magical concoction and you will have zero feelings left for your ex".....I doubt I would drink it. Even though I hate missing him. WTF??? I am one messed up chickie.
Sometimes I am so strong and in a good place. Then within a couple hours something else happens and I am crying about him. UGH! Maybe I should quit listening to music!
I have had crying jags here and there almost every day for about a week now. So tired of this. He was texting me at the start of church this morning about exchanging the kids today. I got up during church to go downstairs and prep for teaching children's church (I do that every other month or so, we rotate) and a woman followed me downstairs. She knows the generals of my sitch, that we are divorced and share time with the kids, she knows I would ideally like to work things out, she knows Dan and his family, etc etc.
Anyway she followed me downstairs and asked how I was doing and I started crying, again.
She said to message her on FB any time and she will be my prayer partner. She is also going to look up the info for a counselor she has used in the past for her daughter.
OK time to accomplish something and not wallow...
Hey BBJ, I don't drop by here much anymore. As I sit here watching the oscars, for some reason...my mind just went sideways and I began thinking how much this whole "THING" has affected me. How at times it still does....how I will never be the same....how I lost my ability to truly open up to someone.
So...I decided to come on here and see if some of the old guys are still posting and..............voila there is good old BBJ. Still struggling? Well if there is something wrong with you, YOU are not alone. I have to admit that a few thing s you wrote (especially the potion)was difficult to read. I don't know that we ever get to zero feelings...actually I don't even know what percentage I am at....I do now that it is not easy and that there is no potion or lotion or book or whatever that works for everyone. What can help a little is the balm of a new relationship...but you are not there yet. I don't know what else to add BBJ apart from the fact that I am pulling for you to get closer to where I am.....not at zero....probably never at zero....but somewhere better than where you are now.
You are mourning the death of your relationship. That doesn't happen overnight. Before you could possibly have a new relationship with Dan or anyone, you have to let this one go.
There is no set time so give yourself a break. When you get yourself to a good spot, you might find that Dan hasn't grown up with you. That isn't your problem though. You can only make the choices for yourself.
I dint think there was anything wrong with just hanging out with HG. The thing is you aren't ready to give your heart away and get serious, so why expect it of him? You could learn so much from being in a friendship relationship which may or may not turn into something more.
Hugs, kat
John,
Thanks. I don't post a whole lot anymore either but I am just frustrated with feeling some of these things STILL--and I don't really have anywhere else to vent where people get me. Hugs.
Kat I agree there was nothing wrong with hanging out and just having a friend to do things with. That wasn't the problem. The problem as I saw it was that I was the one initiating contact and suggesting getting together 85% of the time. I am happy to have a mutual friendship but if I am making the effort all on my part then it isn't worth it to me.
I get you, BobbiJ. Being around my ex at all is very dangerous for me. She thinks I hate her but the truth is that I rebound very quickly(towards her) when I spend time with her or near her. I have known her for 20 years! Very hard to undo that but I am doing it.
Hey Bobbi.. I think we know you struggle, its kind of obvious from your posts even if you dont say, so never fear you are not 'outing' yourself!
You dont want to get over him/take a magic potion because that would mean letting go, and you cant let go. My theory is, when one partner walks out and yet the other partner 100% wanted to stay in teh relationship, you sort of never get over that. I know I wouldnt have if H hadnt come back. Sure, I would have gone on to date sooner than you have, but then I was motivated to have kids and I may have even gotton together with the Piscean pretty quick, moved in and done that (who knows how many years it would've lasted, but we did genuinely love each other).. but a corner of my heart would ALWAYS have loved my ex.. as a small corner of my heart still loves the Piscean.
The reason I'm ok with that though, is I chose to leave him.
If you are the one who was left and had no say/control over that, its unfinished business in the extreme and I thikn its perfectly normal to not be 'over it' or done.
You just need to find ways of coping and moving on.. a new direction in life, a new passion (going back to school to do something frivolous maybe!?) a new love as Jon says..
I think its like those woman on my fertility board that just cant get pregnant and have to accept that and stop trying in their 40s's... you never get over it, or stop wishing, you just find ways to move on.
Hey I'm no counsellor, but I would say how you feel is entirely normal hun.
I hear what you are saying Al and my sister is one of those who tried for years and spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments with no results.
She gets very emotional around the holidays and when she is around people with babies sometimes.
However I do think there is a difference. In the case of someone struggling with infertility, there never was a baby. They are morning the dream of something they wanted but never had.
In my case, I had my husband. And he is not dead and gone. I have to see him and hear him and communicate with him. Imagine if you had your baby taken from you but it was raised in your small town and you saw your child all the time but could not take him/her home with you...
This morning Sydney was asking for her daddy so I let her call him. They talked for about 5 minutes and her voice was very small and sad.
He texted me about 40 minutes later "Is she ok"
I just replied that she missed her daddy and missed her family. In fact yesterday she told me "daddy says he loves you and wants to live together again" but she had made that up.
He replied that he was glad she called bc he missed her too. I replied, "Yes I miss them too when they are with you. Sharing them is difficult." And he replied "Yes it [censored] but that is the way it will be so we will just have to do the best for them that we can"
He replied that he was glad she called bc he missed her too. I replied, "Yes I miss them too when they are with you. Sharing them is difficult." And he replied "Yes it [censored] but that is the way it will be so we will just have to do the best for them that we can"
Doesn't that make you want to scream and shake him!!! "It didn't have to be that way you big A$$!!!!!!!!" That is one of the things that bothers me the most....when my X complains about not getting to see the kids as much as he'd like. well too bad, you made that choice! I don't get to be with them all the time either, but I didn't choose that! He chose OW over our family, so I have no sympathy! And I agree with whoever said it is hard for the spouse who was left, because it wasn't our choice and on some level we will always have some love left there, and always wonder what if.....
As we are forced to live with their choice.
I know! So many responses flashed through my head but I didn't send any of them.
As a mom I would do just about anything if it would bring my kids peace and contentment. And yet he apparently has no desire.
I sent no response but I hope he spent time today thinking about what Sydney said and feeling like crap. In the past he has said that things like that weigh on his mind. Of course not enough to change anything.
And my migraine is coming back, it grew through the day yesterday and is flaring up again...
I hope you will be able to get some meds in and some rest to get rid of that migraine before it builds too much.
I never compare one particular feeling with another....people hurt in different ways.
I probably wrote this somewhere before.....mourning the loss of something is very difficult when you look at it in the face daily. That is what we deal with regularly. We all cope differently....but it is not easy. They say time heals all wounds....some wounds a re deeper and some will not heal if you keep scratching. You need a balm to help you stop scratching.
Or maybe find a really nasty smelling perfume. Everytime you think of Dan you have to spray just a bit. After a while you won't miss him at all. I am trying here!
kat
I sent no response but I hope he spent time today thinking about what Sydney said and feeling like crap. In the past he has said that things like that weigh on his mind. Of course not enough to change anything.
SAdly he probably didn't give it a second thought. I used to wish my X would feel bad about things like that too.....then i realized he didn't. He truly believed he did the right thing. :::sigh:::
Hi sis,
I have been reading, seeing you hit a low. Do not underestimate the fact that "your date" hasnt been eager to take it further with you -not yet at least-, it kind of pushes you to the direction of the familiar and what you've known all yoru adult life:Dan.
I also see that Dan's response was a message to you as well. Sounds to me he wants you to realise he has come to terms with the fact you arent going to be together again? Makes me wonder why he likes to pull your chain every once in a while...
I agree with those saying you will always have some kind of affection for your xH.
Pushed submit by accident...
-But that shouldnt be able to still make you unhappy or stop you from being happy.
Have you thought of seeing a councelor? Someone to help you heal faster?
Take care of you, those migraines can be exhausting.
Love
K
Yes I definitely want to go see a counselor. I had one for almost a year but have been so busy I haven't seen her since early November. I may find a new counselor bc this one didn't really challenge me and I need to get 'unstuck'...
Last night kids and I went to dinner with some extended family, cousins of my dad....it was a great time as I grew up with these people and haven't seen them in a while. However my migraine came back through the afternoon so I was battling that...went to bed at 8:45.
We got home from dinner at 8:10 and I had kids get into pjs. They were getting ready to go to bed and I saw a text from Dan asking if they were awake. I figured he wanted to call and say goodnight so I replied "Yes they are about to brush teeth for bed". Well he cross texted that he would stop by 'real quick' to hug them good night. He must have been on the way already bc as soon as he sent that the kids yelled that Daddy was in the driveway...
So he came in and hugged the kids and kissed them goodnight, and left. I don't know if that was bc of Sydney missing him in the morning, or what.
Hmm, well thats more about him and what he needed, than them? They were about to go off to bed. Its good of you to let him have such free access to the kids.. I guess you would say thats for their sake, rather than yours. But all of it doesnt help you move on hey.
I agree with Kalni who said Dan felt obliged to spell it out to you and state the boundary about, well this it is and the way it always will be.
My sister has a terrible time of 'letting go'.. she has a few failed R's and no amount of money on Counselling etc speeds up the process, IMHO. The only thing thats ever worked for her is... a new love.
Vent...
Former MIL called me this morning. She had emailed me and Dan to inform/request that the kids go to see SIL and the nieces (my kids' cousins) for one niece's fifth bday party in two weeks.
This was crappy bc my mom had just told me the day before that my sis was having my niece/her daughter's bday party on that same day. However it is a saturday that is Dan's day and my mom knew that. She said she hoped he would switch with me. Well, he would if there was nothing going on but since his niece (I consider them all my nieces though and always will) has a party that day, he gets the day. I won't even mention it to him or ask him.
So I texted my mom friday that the kids would not be at the party and my mom replied "Well it is sad that they haven't gotten to go to any of their 3 cousin's --my sister's daughters--birthdays this year"
That ticked me off bc my mom loves to play the guilt card. And they know my custody schedule so if they have all the parties when the kids are supposed to be with Dan, and I can't switch for whatever reason, then it isn't my fault! Ugh.....if my kids being there was so improtant they would ask me first which day worked for me. And if Dan has them and they can't come then what good does it do to try and guilt me about it? Like I enjoy not having them there...
ANYway, MIL calls to see if I got her msg about the bday. I said yes, I did. I hadn't replied bc it isn't my day with the kids. Then she starts listing Wednesdays where she can't take the kids (Weds is Dan's day). I knew one of the days he was going to be in Mexico but I told her I was not aware he was going to be gone the following Weds as well. She said she thought he would, I said oh I will have to talk to him I haven't heard that.
Then she tells me that she and FIL will be taking kids to the bday party at SIL's 3 hours from here, bc although Dan will be back in town he has to stay and do cattle chores. [This is annoying bc he travels 12 days a month as it is then when he has them he takes them to his parents' to do farm chores so they don't get much time with him. But not my problem.]
So I said, very nicely, "Oh, that's too bad he won't be going too, I know the kids miss him when he travels a lot.
And MIL replies, "Well, if he is going to provide for the kids and for you and himself then he will have to work"
WTF????
The man gives me x dollars a month and still has 1.5x that amount for himself. And when he made 1/6 the money and never traveled, I never complained. I don't care about the money.
Besides when he was my husband and the kids' dad, it was his job to support us (I mean I work now but he was supportive of me being an at home mom too). He chose to cheat, he chose to move out, he chose to get the house he got that requires extensive remodeling, and he chooses to keep having his cattle enterprise. All of which require $$.
Sorry it just pisses me off that she said it like poor Dan he has to work so hard to pay child support and alimony. Grr.....
As you've said before BBJ, she's a real piece of work and she will forever 'baby' Dan. That is a HUGE part of his problems...FOO issues.
That royally stinks though. You are right, they know that you have specific weekends and if it was important to them for the kids to be there then they would schedule the party to accommodate them.
Hugs sweetie! Hope you get another massage soon!
I went for a massage today bc body pump made me hurt all over yesterday!
However my guy was booked. he made a spot for me
but it was only 30 minutes
which translated to 20 minutes after allowing time to dress and undress. So i will be going back...
Why do you stay connected to them if she bothers you so much? Isn't it time to just her go through Dan and work things out through him. You don't need this peace of work in your life too.
Kat
Yeah, he told her last Easter after she threw a hissy fit about schedules, that she needed to back off leave me alone and go through him from then on.
However now when he goes out of town for work (he leaves Tuesday for Mexico) he asks them to take the kids on his weekly Wednesday w/the kids since I usually have church stuff. So she has taken it upon herself to call me and tell me when she cannot help out on a Wednesday. Actually she should just tell him and have him tell me so I know I can't do church and need to have the kids.
Yep boundaries Bobbi... with exMIL too. She's not your MIL anymore!
She sounds really unkind/insensitive to say something so brutal on the phone. H's Mum is like that.. she told my Dad and best FF that him leaving me was "the best thing that ever happened to him".. ON MY WEDDING DAY! We have no real idea what she means, except, in her eyes, HE didnt do anything wront. Guessing this woman is just the same about Dan. Mothers and sons hey (dont do it to Nathan!
)
"Well, if he is going to provide for the kids and for you and himself then he will have to work"
Wow!!! Who the heck says stuff like that??? Especially since he is the one who is responsible for where he is today....unless of course MIL thinks you are to blame? Even then, you may think it but actually say it? Wow (shaking my head).... you sure did not luck out with Dan and family BBJ. They must have some good qualities or you would not be putting up with this stuff and hoping to reconcile. Oh well hang in there BBJ....in ten years or so your kids will be able to take care of themselves.....
Yeah I know John! Total piece of work...thankfully I rarely have to deal with her anymore.
I am going to make saving $$ a priority for the next 7 years while I have alimony so that once it goes away I can live comfortably on my own income. I will still have child support for Nathan for 3 yrs and Sydney for 7 more years after that but that is for their needs...
Been at hospital all night, my mom was rushed there today and is in rough shape. She suffers from COPD and today had shortness of breath weakness, and back and side pain. Plus her oxygen saturation was down to 72%. Scary.
Oh goodness BBJ! So sorry to hear your mom is having such a rough time. COPD is so scary! My uncle had that. Of course, we all called it by it's old name.....emphesema (or however you spell it!). Hopefully they have gotten her O2 levels to stabilize.
Saving is SO important. Glad to hear you have a plan!
Hugs to you and prayers for your mom.
Sorry about your Mom. My Dad has COPD too. He has to use oxygen every night and whenever he might exert himself. The sad thing is that he never smoked a day in his life.
So is she on oxygen all of the time? How long as she had it? I will keep her in my prayers. It seems like there is a bunch of people in need of extra thoughts and prayers lately.
kat
Stupid internet!! Not sure why but the past few days this site was being screwy. I would log in, get to my thread, and it would say I was not logged in. So I would log in again, click on this forum, click on my thread, and it would say I was not logged in!?! Grr...
Well Dan and I had total and complete radio silence for just over 48 hours, sadly but truly that is the longest we have ever gone without a text or a call even if just a call to say goodnight to the kids...
He pi$$ed me off in a major way on Sunday while simultaneously hurting my feelings. I allowed myself to cry for about 5 minutes and then decided he did not deserve to steal any more of my day from me, so I got up and went out. Saw a great play and laughed and moved on.
Not sure what happened to trigger it, we had texted on and off about kid stuff while he was in Mexico last week, even as recently as Saturday evening re. him taking the kids tonight while I had parent teacher conferences.
Then Sunday I texted him (that is an exchange day for us) and said I was planning to take kids to sunday school and church if that was ok with him. Usually if i have the kids I take them to sunday school and then deliver them to him after church. If he has kids he drops them off at church with me...
ANYway, he replied back that that was fine. After church I asked the plan. He said bring them over after lunch. So we went out to lunch in town and coincidentally where we went, his parents (my former inlaws) were there with SIL and her two little girls. My kids were thrilled to see them as SIL lives 3 hrs away...so we ate lunch together.
I texted Dan that we were finishing lunch and would be there by 1 p.m., in case he was out at the farm doing chores and not at home.
He replies, "Fine, when ever." "Just send them in whenever"
This struck me odd bc we almost always walk the kids up to each other's house. I was in the car by this time and replied, "Ok, do i have cooties?
" trying to be light hearted.
He replied back, "No it's just best for you"
??? WTF does that mean?
I dropped kids in his driveway and left, and got another text he had sent with the prior one that said, "Nope, just do not care to see you"
Sorry but I just find that odd. Like I had done something to make him mad? Sure, he cheated, he moved out, he is the one 10-14 days behind every month with alimony and child support checks, and all this time I have naively been kind and a team player.
Well forget that. I did not even reply to that last text. Although I am concerned that my first reaction/thought was, "What did I do? Why is he mad at me?" as if somehow it was my fault he was being a d!ck...
I made an appt with my counselor, haven't seen her since November as I have been too busy. I want to find a tougher counselor though who makes me do more work. I don't like feeling hope and having trouble letting go. It isn't a good feeling at all.
Anyway I did not reply to his snide comment and had not contacted him since. Then tonight D had dancing and he took her since I am at conferences. I sent him a verrry short email "Sydney dance clothes on steps, bag at studio" because he has never ever taken her so all her stuff is with me. Except I left bag at studio last week in my rush to get to hospital for mom.
He replied back asking what time he should pick her up and then a couple random thoughts/comments about Nathan (he seems tired, needs a nap, etc etc) but I didn't respond to any of that.
From now on communication will be strictly on a need-to-know, requires-an-answer basis. And via email or text, no need to talk or see each other.
I think it stinks for the kids bc they liked doing things together but they will have to learn to get used to it this way...and maybe it will help me with the letting go part. I don't want to have to be angry at him to stop having hope. I just want to let it all go for real.
I don't know if you'll ever let it totally go. Not a judgement. I can't imagine ever totally letting go.
I really think that will be best for you BBJ. The less contact you have with him the better. Need to know info only, no niceties, no joking around...that only opens the door for him to abuse you further. Don't allow it!
Bobbi,
As someone who is on the flip side of your sitch, I agree with Mish - the less contact, the healthier it will be for you in the long run. Stick to the essential facts regarding the kids (school, health, etc.) but do your best not to respond to anything else...