Just kiss me
And forget all about that other stuff
Kiss me
Your big red lips, I think, will be enough
Don't worry with your lipstick
I'm gonna kiss it all away
Throw away your lipstick
That ain't your color, anyway
My lips are your color
So lips, stick with me!
Ooo, when you kiss me
I've got to know just how much you miss me
Kiss me
And I'll take your lips to paradise
Kiss me
And paradise will never feel so nice
You're beautiful
You don't need all that make up
And you don't need to take up
All of your time in front of the mirror
Don't you know that you're my deara
Baby, can't you see we're in love
Ooo, when you kiss me
I've got to know just how much you miss me
Kiss me
And put all the stars back in the sky
Kiss me
And maybe then you'll know the reason why
I want you
And my love's gonna haunt you
And I'm gonna flaunt you
In front of all the boys that live on my street
And they're gonna be jealous 'cause you're so sweet
Do you think I should repeat
Do you think I should repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Aw, say it, man!
I'm in love
Love
I'm in love
I'm in love
Sweet love
Ok wanted to pick another song title and have had this one in my head for two days. Harry Connick, Jr. at his finest!
NO I am not in love, but I love the song! Very fast/upbeat and fun to sing loudly in the car.
Mods told me to start a new thread so here it is. Still working on losing weight, down 6 pounds so far. Not sure I am losing any weight this week but I do think my fat/lean ratio is continuing to shift which is all good, I will find out Wednesday!
It's been four glorious days without any text spew from Dan. That is good news!
Went to Zumba Wednesday, ran 2.5 miles Saturday, push mowed the whole yard yesterday, hoping to get out and jog today...
Golf guy and I have plans to go out Saturday night. This makes date #3 but it is actually more of a first date as the other two times we went to large parties together, this will be our first 'alone' date...kind of funny because it has been six months since 'date' #1...but it fits my laid-back approach perfectly. I am looking for some easy going fun, nothing serious.
Not sure there is much else to report. Just rolling with it (my other thread title idea was 'roll with it baby'....
Once again I am slap happy from too little sleep!
Well that's an attention-grabber thread title! LOL.
Kudos on the continued weight loss. You sounds like you are doing great (both entally and physically).
Where is your date at?
Yep, it is one of my favorite things ever.
Too bad I am on a three-year drought of good kisses!
Dang! Beat me to it Sandy!
(((((((BobbiJo))))))
Wow. Just got back from Nathan's basketball practice. Dan showed up. All went well until Nathan started shooting baskets and was struggling to make the distance shots. Dan got progressively crabbier and then shot his mouth off--
"Well you parents may not have cared if you sucked at sports and were on the C team, but I do"...I just laughed and said, "Yeah I switched to the things I WAS good at" (cheerleading and dance). Then he said, "Well what is Nathan gonna do?" I just said, "Umm...I imagine practice and get better." Then he says, "Never mind I am too mad don't even talk to me." So once again, I am responsible for his moods. Wow do I ever have power!
I ignored him after that until he said something about being totally embarrassed. That irritated me bc Nathan was having a blast with his friends and although he was not the best he was trying and he is ONLY 8, he has 10 years of basketball before him if he chooses to keep playing!
I said, "Well he idolizes you so please keep it to yourself that you are embarrassed of him"--but he cut me off and said, "I don't want to talk to you, don't talk to me."
Really, so mature he is... I am SOOOOOOOO glad he is not my problem any more! Just wish I had the ability to keep Nathan from feeling slighted, as I am sure he will.
Wow. That is bad.
My dad loved to tell the story about my first baseball practice. I was 7. My mom signed me up for a team. My dad comes to the first practice and can't find me on the field. The coach tells him I'm on another field with other kids who had never played because he was worried I'd get hurt.
But I loved it and practiced every day, pestered him to come home from work so we could practice. By the end of the season I was hitting cleanup.
I loved it so I kept playing until I got better.
He's going to drive Nathan right out of sports if he keeps it up --- but I don't think there's anything you can do about it.
BBJ, choose not to sit with him! Who wants to listen to that crap when you're trying to enjoy watching your son.
That is scary!
dan is a sick f*ck.
that makes me want to punch him!
Yep, he is a stinky pete sometimes....
And now for the good news!!!
I am wearing pants to work that I have not been able to wear since last February...they were too tight! Yay me.
I am wearing pants to work that I have not been able to wear since last February...they were too tight! Yay me.
Excellent.
Nothing works better to change your perspective than setting some reasonable goals (pay down some debt, get into shape, learn something new) and achieving them along with taking some time to appreciate all the good in life.
Congrads!
Get your mother bear up - I'm pissed at him, and I'm not even Nathan's mom!! Are you keeping a list of a$$hole qualities, for those times when you think of inviting him to join you and the kids?
On another note, glad you are feeling good in your skin as of late - I have to get back to that, too.
Oh Donna.... (wait, isn't that a song?)
My mother bear
was up. I just realized about 1.5 exchanges into the convo that it was a cheeseless tunnel. One of those conversations you can have in your sleep it is so predictable. Anything I said would have made him angrier, and I don't need that, and Nathan doesn't need that. So, I withdrew from the conversation and walked a few steps away to talk to Sydney. (Our practices are in the Y gym, no bleachers, no room, you just stand around the edge of the court basically.)
And I don't feel great in my skin yet...but I do feel better in my skin. Because I am being proactive and not just sitting around moping that I somehow allowed myself to gain TWENTY pounds in 12 months! Instead, I took the bull by the horns and got a trainer to help me do it the right way this time.
Oh, and I heard this quote while driving yesterday. I like it...
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
- Theodor Seuss Geisel
BBJ, it's just that dan's attitude toward your son's performance in sports activities really worries the sh!t out of me. What is he saying to the poor kid when you're not around?
That is emotional abuse, and kids can absorb a lot of it because they love their parents. Especially the parent that left. Weird, I know.
Parents who live vicariously through their kids like dan does, and who are rabidly critical as well, are very disturbing to me. dan is like that @sshole dad in "The Bad News Bears."
And I pray to God that one day, Nathan rebels and embarrasses his dad the way the kid did in that movie. Priceless.
dan is also teaching your children to doubt themselves and to lie, as with the Sydney "left-the-birthday-gift-in-the-car" bit.
No wonder so many teens go off the rails. There are so many issues that could have been avoided.
So Dan didn't want you to talk to him?
Next time, sit far away.
BBJ, it's just that dan's attitude toward your son's performance in sports activities really worries the sh!t out of me. What is he saying to the poor kid when you're not around?
That is emotional abuse, and kids can absorb a lot of it because they love their parents. Especially the parent that left. Weird, I know.
Parents who live vicariously through their kids like dan does, and who are rabidly critical as well, are very disturbing to me. dan is like that @sshole dad in "The Bad News Bears."
And I pray to God that one day, Nathan rebels and embarrasses his dad the way the kid did in that movie. Priceless.
dan is also teaching your children to doubt themselves and to lie, as with the Sydney "left-the-birthday-gift-in-the-car" bit.
No wonder so many teens go off the rails. There are so many issues that could have been avoided.
I agree with this 100%. The damage he can do with this type of emotional abuse can take years to get over. My father belittled me about how I played baseball, even invented his own little "girlie" name for me. It basically shattered any confidence I had in sports for a long time. At this point Dan could not pass parenting 101.
BA
A parent emotionally abusing their child is horrible. It's awful. I once dated a guy who's dad was the king of emotional abuse and it just destroyed him. And the guy was really awful to his wife/mom, too. He would give her the silent treatment for months at a time for the slightest thing.. Awful.
Oh, and I heard this quote while driving yesterday. I like it...
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
- Theodor Seuss Geisel
Nope. I think it's awesome!
Oh, and I heard this quote while driving yesterday. I like it...
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
- Theodor Seuss Geisel
Was that quote from The Cat in the Hat or One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish?
BBJ, I am not concerned how you handled the basketball day (not sure what you could do about Dan being an a$$). Just pointing out another illustration of what he really is, for the next time you are tempted to break no contact. Keep the list at the ready - he provides you lots of material for it, unfortunately.
I know my friend and his EW don't combine practices if the kids are on your time .... it's your time. He sees them on his time. She sees the on her time.
Maybe time to draw that boundary so you are not subjected to that. I doubt Dan would say all that to a stranger. My EX feels the need to vent certain frustrations with me but I think he does not do this with other people. Stop it now. Tell him today and not while your in the situation that you don't want discussions like that with him. He needs to keep his thoughts to himself or tell them somewhere else. Your not his sounding board anymore..... plus is he Mr. perfect? Heck no! No one is. It's all about the fun of it that basketball.
What a ball sack!
I got nothing. I was here because I thought someone wanted a kiss.
Wii, I see you and I have a similar taste in books. When I really need to improve my vocabulary skills or my mind needs a mental floss I lock myself up in the study room with a wine and a cigar and crack open Goodnight Moon or Green eggs and ham.
I got nothing. I was here because I thought someone wanted a kiss.
Wii, I see you and I have a similar taste in books. When I really need to improve my vocabulary skills or my mind needs a mental floss I lock myself up in the study room with a wine and a cigar and crack open Goodnight Moon or Green eggs and ham.
Well, I DO still want a kiss...
It just seems whenever I try to talk to Dan it goes nowhere. He is convinced that I have TOO laid-back of an approach, while I feel is he way too intense to the opposite degree.
I do think Nathan needs to practice more, and I will work on that. However I just don't know what to do if Nathan is not ever really good at any given sport. For some reason that is so important to Dan. If Nathan were really good at school (which he is, he is above grade level in every subjec), if he was strong in speech/drama like me, he would still not be good enough for Dan.
I don't think I can prevent Dan's anger/scorn/whatever from seeping through. He has to hear it from someone other than me....
Why are sports so improtant to him? He should just be happy that he has two great kids that love him in spite of himself. I have to hand that at least to my ex, he just supports what the kids take an interest in.
Hang in there Bobbi Jo. Someday your kiss...um, prince will come.
kat
I was never good at any sport. It didn't stop me from enjoying playing, not a lot of organized sports, just in the neighborhood and on the playground. Eventually I got ok at the stuff we'd play in gym, softball, volleyball, etc. Not so much because I was athletic, but I was smart enough to figure out what I could do. I couldn't hit hard, but I figured out how to hit where I wanted to, for example. I couldn't spike, but I could set.
Dan's view on this is totally twisted. Sports should be fun. They help us stay healthy. And we learn teamwork, the value of practice, etc. But when the fun goes out of it, you end up losing all the other positive points. And that's what Dan is pushing for.
You can't fix that, just do your best to encourage Nathan, and do your part to keep it fun!
((((((BobbiJo)))))
I got nothing. I was here because I thought someone wanted a kiss.
Wii, I see you and I have a similar taste in books. When I really need to improve my vocabulary skills or my mind needs a mental floss I lock myself up in the study room with a wine and a cigar and crack open Goodnight Moon or Green eggs and ham.
Well, I DO still want a kiss...
It just seems whenever I try to talk to Dan it goes nowhere. He is convinced that I have TOO laid-back of an approach, while I feel is he way too intense to the opposite degree.
I do think Nathan needs to practice more, and I will work on that. However I just don't know what to do if Nathan is not ever really good at any given sport. For some reason that is so important to Dan. If Nathan were really good at school (which he is, he is above grade level in every subjec), if he was strong in speech/drama like me, he would still not be good enough for Dan.
I don't think I can prevent Dan's anger/scorn/whatever from seeping through. He has to hear it from someone other than me....
"YOU" don't know what to do if Nathan is not ever really good at sports"....???
Why? Is being "good" at sports really that important at all?
Kimmie--I meant that in terms of dealing with Dan's reaction. I don't care what my kids' hobbies/interests are as long as they make them happy!
I was never good at sports...come to think of it I was never good at anything I tried, I mean even my marriage was a failure...wait that's not the point
I whole heartedly agree with all the others are saying, however, I see that kids also give up too easily or don't try. I'm not saying that's the case with Nathan I'm just saying it keeps people from achieving things later in life. My dad was very strict on us when it came to school. I struggled with math and he would make it miserable. I think all he wanted to do was make me think before saying 'I don't know how to do this' or 'I can't figure it out'. I see that with DD too when I'm helping her do the homework. I want her to try even if it's wrong, I want to see some effort from her before I help her. Having said that if Nathan has no interest in it that's a whole different thing and he shouldn't be forced to 'enjoy' something he's not interested in. But if he wants to play but isn't good at it yet then he just needs help and encouragement...but just as importantly he also needs to put in some effort.
But he doesn't need his dad's "embarrassment."
On what planet is it ok to say that about a kid?
Right at this time, three years ago today, I got a call from the anonymous informant at Dan's work--the one who told me a few weeks before that I needed to "find out who Dan was bowling with", the one who said, "I vowed to never let a wife be kept in the dark the way I was when my exH had an affair"...
It was a Friday, and as I stood in my kitchen in Kansas City with the cordless phone I heard her say, "Isn't your husband in St. Louis? Well SHE has been telling all the girls here that she was going there, too. She took the day off today. She is with him."
And that is when I called my sister back in Iowa, made arrangements to drive 2.5 hours to the central Iowa/Missouri border to drop off my kids with her. She was such a Godsend, taking them without hesitation back to Des Moines with her for the weekend.
I spent the evening driving another several hours to St. Louis, getting there around midnight...fielding calls and texts from Dan all the while and acting like nothing was wrong...fearing that if I confronted him and he was alone, he would be able to prove his accusations that I was just "crazy" and "paranoid" and nothing was going on...
Yep today was the day I felt like I drove for an eternity, wanting to get to the hotel and never wanting to get to the hotel. But I went and I saw and I survived.
Three years later sometimes it feels like a few months and some times it feels like a lifetime. I would do a lot of things differently but I can't so I don't dwell on that.
I always think of November 10 as bomb day since that is when I caught them at the hotel, that early morning, her still in the bed--and she never got out of it the two hours I stood there staring at them and talking to Dan. (why the hell did I waste two hours? Should have just turned on my heel and been gone. But too late for that...)
But really it was November 9 when I got the call that put it all in motion...
Oh and just for the record, I am not freaking out about it, not even all that sad...cause unfortunately there were so many 'bombs' in our marriage that they all pretty much roll together. Just noticed what day it was, that's all... and it helped me to see that as far as I have come in three years, I definitely need to keep spreading my wings and building the distance between us...
Kimmie, you're right- that's never ok.
BBJ, jeez...I'm so sorry to hear how it all went down. We all have our crazy sh*t war stories to tell don't we? I hope you recognize how far you've come since that day and how well you've managed things on your own in this time. You'll continue to make your life better by taking whatever steps are necessary.
she actually laid in the bed while you were in the room talking with Dan? I really can not wrap me mind around that.
Did she at least hide under the covers? UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!
BBJ I guess we share our bombaversary. (((hugs)))
Join me in the alt tonight for my virtual party so we can turn this day around.
Those events no longer define us. We now define our own lives.
Too bad for the coincidence...
I am kind of 'over it' though...I mean, the actual event. No real interest in talking about it anymore, just noticed the date. Onward and upward.
Wow, my EXH walked out last nov. 9th too.
Talk about peas in a pod!
Where's Ali? There is probably some reason for this cosmically...
Mine was 3 years ago, though, not last year!
I'd forgotten that story.
It's a wonder he's still alive.
(((((BobbiJo)))))
our bomb was Nov. 14 2008
I got the bomb 11/11/06 (I think - I just went back to the calendar, and was trying to remember...). I wonder why November sucks so bad for that?
Wow! This November thing is kinda freaky....
I could see maybe that they were facing the holidays and had no desire to try and 'go through the motions' for so many family-oriented things. That makes sense if THEY bombed YOU in November.
However in my case, I busted him red-handed. I don't know how much longer he would have avoided a confrontation and continued to deny and gaslight had I not caught him.
I do know that after I caught him and we were 'trying to fix things'...I found a text from him to her saying he was just trying to get through Christmas with the kids and then it would be over and they could be together...only he drug his feet another 18 months after that...with my help.
Ok enough of that!
our biggest blow up was (I think - i try not to remember) on 11th November. Police got called :-(
but you are right BBJ.... moving right along!! Next happy topic please! What's happening in Glee over there at the moment? We've just had Kurt's dad in hospital a couple of episodes ago.
My bomb was nov. 7, 2007.
H moved out on November 17th, 2007. Ali's then BF the same month. It was that Cronus thing she kept talking about, the planet that brings things to a breaking point and changes, radical changes...
I would have fogotten that day if it wasnt for my boy. S9 still talks about THE DAY, "the day his dad didnt listen to his pleading and moved out".
Oh K that stinks that he remembers so clearly. My son remembers a lot too about when Dad moved out...
Let's see Purple...last night's Glee was awesome. The girls had to sing a song normally sung by boys and vice versa. The ladies did some Livin On a Prayer which was fun. And Kurt went undercover at the new competition, an all boys' school. That part was great! The all boys group did an A Capella version of "Teenage Dream" that was fantastic.
I love Glee. Kurt's new friend is so cute.
I preferred the girls' rockstar mash up over the boys'.
I agree. I wish he had not had such an 'obvious' name as Blaine (wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)...but I too loved the new friend and the whole idea of the all-boys' group. Nice to hear fresh voices!
So I am home today with a stupid stomach bug--my preschoolers have been passing it around and now I get it. Blah. Already feeling better than I did last night.
Been texting every couple days w/Golf Guy. Today I texted that I could be in Des Moines around 5:30-6 Saturday, let me know if that worked for him...because we hadn't really firmed up plans and I kind of like knowing at least the general idea. (
ie when/where we are meeting, I don't care if we change plans and do movie instead of drinks or dinner instead of movie, just give me a starting point. )
He replied back about 20 minutes later that the time worked great for him, and then he suggested meeting my cousin and his wife for dinner if that was good with me. Back story: My cousin played golf in HS with Dan and GG. Now my cousin lives in DSM and actually hired GG to work in his business. So, when GG first invited me to the party last April it was bc my cousin and he had been golfing and cousin told him I was now 'available'...
I haven't replied back but I think that would be fun. Having a couple other people there gives a little breathing space...on the other hand I would like to get to know GG a little better and not sure how much conversation time we will have with a group.
Well you guys could meet up with that couple and then afterward grab drinks solos.
Hope you feel better soon, BBJ!
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
See the above....I am going on a third date...just give me time, man!
And yes that Mike comment was directed at you...just seeing if you still did drive-bys!
No I am not dwelling on the bomb stuff. Just dawned at me as I looked at the calendar.
Even as I started typing a recap I was not interested in finishing. So I suppose that is progress. Maybe its part of the process but early on I seemed to somehow 'need' to go over that stuff again and again in my mine. Now...it feels like one of those childhood stories you hear repeated so often you are sick of it.
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
LOL. The thought of sex scares me lately. I have no idea waht that means. And I am being totally serious.
Well you guys could meet up with that couple and then afterward grab drinks solos.
I like this idea!
And yes that Mike comment was directed at you...just seeing if you still did drive-bys!
Next time insert the name Ian where you put the name Mike and you'll be correct...
Not that there's anything wrong with that...
and yes..I still drive by..I have to keep check on the Homies...
Not Homies as in Gay...But Homies as in "home boys"
Mike, easy for you to say (man who has a girlfriend). We'll all get there, eventually.
The bomb-iversaries were just weird - never realized how many were in Nov. I think it's great that I can't remember the exact date, anymore!! I didn't think I'd ever get to that point.
Hey Donna better watch out...Mike's girlfriend is his wife now!! lol
Speaking of bombs, mine was in June but he didn't move out until November because he wanted to keep the holidays normal...WTF??? They are so crazy...still.
kat
Oh and I just remembered, I found out about his first affair in November. Just in time for Thanksgiving. Poor November, getting stuck with a bunch of crazy memories.
kat
We actually reconciled on Thanksgiving 2002, after his 6 week affair that started shortly after our son was born... So thanksgiving time is good and bad.
Moving on! I replied to GG "Sure it would be fun to do dinner with them, then you and I could grab a drink after"
No more sitting back trying to be a 'pleaser'. Just going to be up front and that way no second guessing. Guys will either like me, or not! But I am done mind reading to try and pick the 'right' answer...
WTG BBJ! good response
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
LOL. The thought of sex scares me lately. I have no idea waht that means. And I am being totally serious.
No kidding! Scares the crap out of me!
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I think it was a good response, too. I wasn't thrilled with the original plan. You are driving through a lot of cornfields to get to know him, not have dinner with your cousin, no matter how enjoyable that might be.
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
LOL. The thought of sex scares me lately. I have no idea waht that means. And I am being totally serious.
No kidding! Scares the crap out of me!
I am glad to know I am not alone. The thought of it has never scared me before but lately it does. No clue wth that means. Good question for my IC I guess. LOL.
BBJ, you could order a FLIRTINI at the bar
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
LOL. The thought of sex scares me lately. I have no idea waht that means. And I am being totally serious.
No kidding! Scares the crap out of me!
I am glad to know I am not alone. The thought of it has never scared me before but lately it does. No clue wth that means. Good question for my IC I guess. LOL.
I just hope it's like riding a bicycle. And no one laughs.
LOL!
Well, thanks, sol!
Just what I needed.
I have thought enough about it, I am SURE it will all come back to me!
Sometimes I think I have a guy's drive...
Actually being home has its advantages...Dr. Oz is having a show all about sex today. Surveyed 20000 people and sharing results...Good stuff.
One question...guys especially...maybe it is already answered with Newmama's bra question. According to the survey 57% of people let their body image issues get in the way when they are intimate with someone. One sex therapist on the show said women should relax bc when they finally get naked with a man, usually the man is so glad to be having sex he doesn't care about a belly pooch or some cellulite on the thighs...
I wonder if it matters if the R is new. In the beginning I can see both people just being caught up in the moment. But if you have been together awhile and your formerly skinny gf has gained weight, or vice versa, I think it would be a bit bothersome. I know I gained and lost weight while with Dan and he definitely preferred when I was smaller. Of course he gained and lost too and I didn't really care...but ne never got really chubby, either.
I guess this weighs on me bc even if I am not sure I am ready for sex I do know that if I am going to get close to a man he will be able to see/feel at least some parts of my body!
I am already losing weight and toning up but sometimes I wonder if I should wait to date until I am happy with what I see in the mirror...
(((((BobbiJo)))))
You are way overthinking!
I don't really like this
usually the man is so glad to be having sex he doesn't care about a belly pooch or some cellulite on the thighs...
line of thought. It might be accurate, but to me it smacks of stereotype, and isn't very useful.
On the other hand, I believe that once you get to the point of having sex, those things are not an issue.
This summer, I got really close. We had purposely planned things so that we couldn't, but it was a close call. And, if you had asked, I would have said that she was not my "type". But.... like I said, it would not have mattered. And I think it's more likely to matter early in a R rather than later, though I suppose others could think differently.
I agree...I did not like the way she said that, like a man should be grateful to be having sex. But I was more curious about the rest of the thought. That once you are ready to be naked with someone you already want to be with them, so you aren't mentally judging them once you do get that far...
Oh and GG replied already. I like that he doesn't take hours/days to reply. He just said, "They don't even have to come...what is your favorite food so I can narrow down a restaurant?"
So I think he was offering to invite them in case I wasn't comfortable...considering our first two 'dates' were in group settings. I would rather just go out with him so I can decide if I actually have fun with HIM, or because our dates have been in fun settings.
And Jeff I try not to overthink...this tv show is just bringing up a lot of random stuff.
I have no set rules anymore except for the basic rule that I will
ONLY do what
I want to do with a guy, when I want to do it. I won't be rushed into anything but if I feel a connection and want to follow it, I am going to take it as it comes, too.
That once you are ready to be naked with someone you already want to be with them, so you aren't mentally judging them once you do get that far...
That part I agree with completely. Once you get to that point, you are not worried about that! You are there because it's where you want to be. (At least that's my guess. As we all know, my recent experience is, well, limited!) And at close range, well, I don't think it matters much!
I think you might be right about GG. He was trying to make it easier for you. Darn, I might have to like his style!
the basic rule that I will ONLY do what I want to do with a guy, when I want to do it.
Seems like a pretty good rule!
(wouldn't it be refreshing if the gay guy had a name like Mike)
Hell no.....I don't think that would be refreshing at all...
you all are depressing me with this bomb anniversary talk...
hell, this is surviving....you all need to get laid...
LOL. The thought of sex scares me lately. I have no idea waht that means. And I am being totally serious.
No kidding! Scares the crap out of me!
I am glad to know I am not alone. The thought of it has never scared me before but lately it does. No clue wth that means. Good question for my IC I guess. LOL.
Relax, you guys.
It's just like riding a bike.
Or, so I'm told......
Last time I rode a bike I almost died, and it hurt... a lot!
Last time I rode a bike I almost died, and it hurt... a lot!
Was it a guy's bike?
Ok, ok, I'm so bad.....
Let's just say the seat wasn't nice to me!
Ah....
I can only relate to the condition known as "Bike Butt."
BBJ, going back to the first time STBXW were together, when we got to that point I found out she always wore a padded bra. STBXW had major issues -- in her mind -- there. She had plenty for me and I was always an *ss guy so I had no problem with it.
About one year into the M I said a careless thing about STBXW after a night of drinking and she never, ever forgot it. No matter how hard I tried, you can't take back something once it's said.
Which is too bad. STBXW ranged from a size 2 to a size 14 while we were together. I never cared. Even today, she's continued to gain since I moved out, when I see her my heart melts. She's still the beautiful 16-year-old I first met.
I ranged a bit too, but not much. I weighed between 160 and 190 all the years we were together.
All that for this response -- once you get to the point where you are both naked I don't know of any guy who would stop. Especially at our ages. It isn't like some college hookup. Coordinating schedules and carving out time to see each other takes a ton of work. You are probably going to be really invested by the time the clothes come off.
All that for this response -- once you get to the point where you are both naked I don't know of any guy who would stop. Especially at our ages. It isn't like some college hookup. Coordinating schedules and carving out time to see each other takes a ton of work. You are probably going to be really invested by the time the clothes come off.
...and too damn tired to do anything!
BBJ, going back to the first time STBXW were together, when we got to that point I found out she always wore a padded bra. STBXW had major issues -- in her mind -- there. She had plenty for me and I was always an *ss guy so I had no problem with it.
About one year into the M I said a careless thing about STBXW after a night of drinking and she never, ever forgot it. No matter how hard I tried, you can't take back something once it's said.
Which is too bad. STBXW ranged from a size 2 to a size 14 while we were together. I never cared. Even today, she's continued to gain since I moved out, when I see her my heart melts. She's still the beautiful 16-year-old I first met.
I ranged a bit too, but not much. I weighed between 160 and 190 all the years we were together.
All that for this response -- once you get to the point where you are both naked I don't know of any guy who would stop. Especially at our ages. It isn't like some college hookup. Coordinating schedules and carving out time to see each other takes a ton of work. You are probably going to be really invested by the time the clothes come off.
Yikes! That is right about being careful about comments.
I never, ever was critical of either of my exes as far as anatomy, performance, or anything like that was concerned because it causes your mate to feel unsafe with you. And I think that maybe men are more fragile about rude, personal comments than women are.
And besides, it would never occur to me to do that anyway. I loved both of my husbands and enjoyed sex with them very much. And with both marriages, we had sex until the marriages broke up.
This is another thing that bugs me so much. I see relatively young, healthy couples on here who go for such long periods of time without having sex. WTF??? What the hell is wrong with you youngsters?
So, all that being said, one of my best friends is absolutely ruthless in her assessment of men. To her, size DOES matter and she has been known to change her mind at the crucial moment if the guy wasn't big enough for her! And she would be brutally honest with him about it!
Damn, she's like a guy. Well, a really insensitive guy. I have called her on that behavior and she just blew me off, saying that she said those things because they were true, and because she could!
Damned edit button.
I would like to add that both of my husbands were opposite body types as well.
First ex (married to him for 15 yrs) was maybe 5'7" on a good day, blond, blue eyes, cute.
Second ex (married to him for 12 yrs) was tall, dark, slender, and very handsome....and 13 years younger than me. And believe me, the sex was mind-blowing!
But, I digress.....
As far as me having sex again, and I will sooner, rather than later, I just figure that a man can take me as I am, or not at all. There would not be a next time if he was an insensitive jerk.
Well, I loved having sex when I was married. If we went 10 days, that was a dry spell... so I have been amazed that one of my sisters went 2 1/2 years without it (until her H had an EA with phone sex w/an old high school classmate and she found out about it...ummm not to absolve his guilt but really she was not giving him emotional or physical support at home, so duh!) and my other sister said they only do it 2-4 times a year.
When I am in a relationship again, I intend to have sex a lot, so whoever I am with better be ready for that.
Yikes! Maybe both of them should start Dbing before it's too late.
As for you.....you go girl!
Yikes! Maybe both of them should start Dbing before it's too late.
As for you.....you go girl!
Yeah I know, it is hard knowing what I know and all I have learned (reading WAYYY too many relationship books the past 3 years!) to just watch them go through the motions in their marriages.
Glad that didn't come off as slutty or something, Kimmmie. I just can't identify with having a low drive. Quality time and physical touch are high on my list. It doesn't have to be sex, I like holding hands, walking arm in arm, things like that, too.
That's one thing I noticed right away with GG. When we met up at the party last April, he would go get a drink and bring me one too, and when he walked up as I was talking to other people he would come stand beside me and rub my arm, or touch the small of my back. Hard to explain, little simple touches, but made it feel like there was a connection. I like that.
Oh, and on to the good news! I lost two more pounds this week for a total of eight! I have to admit, I did not eat all 5 meals every day, yesterday and today I didn't feel great and didn't eat much. Well, it turns out that of the two pounds I lost, one was actually lean mass according to my caliper measurements... Trainer said that if you do not eat enough, and up your activity level (I exercised four times this week), your body basically feeds on itself, and it sucked away some lean mass.
So lesson learned, I need to eat ALL of the food! Still counterintuitive, to eat more to weigh less, but hey DBing is counterintuitive too...
Yay, you!
Again....slutty? Of course not! How the hell did you youngsters get so prudish?
How quaint.
Oh, and I wanted to add that GG sounds like a keeper. And it seems you're ahead of the game in that you already know one another.
Plus, my very passionate 1st M grew out of a friendship first, and that journey from friendship to love was actually very profound and a lot of fun.
Oh, and also, isn't it wonderful when GG is so attentive and considerate? He seems very protective of you too, and that is very sexy to me.
In fact....if you can't close the deal with him.....can I have him?
Thanks...
I had replied with a few suggestions for dining, he replied back 3 hrs later and actually apologized for not replying sooner.
Then we traded a couple texts and he just texted me "Sweet dreams, can't wait to see you Saturday.
"
So nice to talk to someone who is not guessing my bra size or offering to show me pics of his junk!
Awesome!
See? There ARE nice guys out there.
HEY! We KNEW that!
You go BobbiJo! Some guy is going to be extremely lucky!
Mike, easy for you to say (man who has a girlfriend). We'll all get there, eventually.
Yes...it is easy for me to say...not because I found someone...simply because I chose to take the power from Kim..
bottom line...A WAS will never take any credit for helping with failure of a marriage..they simply lay all the blame on the LBS..
well..I call bullsheet...she was as responsible as I was..I was man enough to admit my faults and errors...she was not and she never will be..
I self examined, talked to professionals, talked to people on here till I was blue in the face....bottom line...Kim was not worth the effort....
Mine said "why should I go for counselling with you, it'll just show that I'm to blame and have a lot of problems. I already know that so why should I go?" Umm, where do you go with that kind of thinking!
Mine told me the other night "Yes I am going to stay angry and bitter for the rest of my life and not let this stuff go."
Ummm.....I think we're done here people.
It's good to have a plan for your life and he seems all set! None of that anxiety about where am I going from here, I'll just hate BBJ the rest of my life for...for...for what? What's he got to be so bitter about? I know we've all played our parts in the end of our marriages but what could you have done to inpsire such anger, BBJ? Just askin', don't feel you have to answer if you don't want to.
I agree both parties have to admit fault in the demise of the M. When someone doesn't, that is no good. I have apologized to my H for the crap things I did to him. I think it's healthy and necessary. He once told me I made him file for D and I made him throw my belongingis out on our front lawn. I don't feel he MADE me do anything I did. I own it.
Question for everyone on here: did you suggest MC to your spouses and if so, did they accept?
Question for everyone on here: did you suggest MC to your spouses and if so, did they accept?
oh gosh yes, many times.... and sadly no.
My xw hasn't admitted anything, and I don't really expect her to. I think her point of view, as much as it has been expressed, is that it was a good run, and it ran out. And maybe there is something to that, though I think it could have kept going if both of us wanted it to.
I don't need to hear her apologize. In fact, it might make it harder to move forward, wondering if there was something more I could have done.
Sol, yes I suggested MC. We had actually done it about 10 years before, with no real positive impact. Then in 96 (I think) we went to Retrouvaille, but she wasn't interested in doing the followup, which made it ineffective. At the end, I said tell me when you can go, and I'll arrange it. Somehow, she never could. At that point, I wasn't really interested in pushing it.
Sol--We did MC after the first one night stand in Idaho. But all he wanted to talk about at counseling was whether he should quit his job and we should move back to St. Louis with his old company, which we did.
Then after affair #1, we did about 4 sessions of MC. He basically said, "It's over lets move on" and in fact was lying to me and to the MC because he was still cheating then. And a few weeks later when I gave the ultimatum that Nathan and I were moving home to Iowa and leaving him in Wichita, he did a 180, cut off contact, full transparency, everything you could want on that end. Except he refused to go to MC saying he 'didn't know why he did it' so there was nothing to talk about. I was so glad he ended the A that I let it go....shame on me.
Finally after affair #2 we were doing MC in Kansas City but again he was still in contact w/ow the whole time and lying about it, so it was ineffective. When he finally got serious and stopped the A he was jaded that counseling "didn't work, it never helped us before". Um, nope, not if you lie to me, yourself, and the counselor!!!
He did agree to Retro, so we went and that should have told me everything. There is a pivotal exercise at the end where you write your spouse a letter tellng them how you see the 'real them' and if you can accept them and love them as they are.
Dan cried bc mine was so spot-on of him, his demons, resentments, etc. And I said I could accept him. Then he read his letter to me. He had me pretty close to right, but then said he 'didn't know' if he could accept me, didn't know 'how' to accept me...
We did all the follow ups until the final one which was supposed to be recommitting to the marriage. He said he could not do it.
Wii--
His main two resentments:
1)He says he made the choice NOT to go to grad school or vet school after college bc he had asked me to marry him and he felt a need to have a job to provide for me. Keep in mind, he never told me this. I would have gladly lived in cheap married student housing and eaten ramens and cereal for him to get what he wanted. But he lied and told me he tanked the GRE and could not get in to grad school.
Only after affair #2 in 2007 did he open the floodgates. He told me he aced the GRE and could have gone to grad school but didn't BECAUSE OF ME. His whole life would have been different if he had not married me. Now he had spent 10 years at a job he despised (meat business) so "I could have my dream staying home with the kids." And truth be told when he came home I would vent about my day (Oh boy nathan pooped all over the living room, Sydney wouldn't nap so I am tired, etc etc). I honestly was sharing, not complaining, in my mind. But through his filter he gave up his dream career to give me mine and all I did was b!tch.
2) After his grandma died in Dec 2006, his parents had to sell a part of the family farm to give their siblings their share of the inheritance. I had known since our dating years that dan wanted more than anything to move home and live in a particular section of the farm...the section his parents were selling.
He wanted to buy it. At the time I had no job at home with the kids, we had a mortgage and a second mortgage/equity loan. Plus, loans for a new pickup for Dan and two livestock trailers.
I asked him how we could afford a loan for the farm section up home. I wanted to be a team and be in on the planning. He took it as me not trusting him. He said we could buy it and then rent it out...I said I was not sure we could qualify on the possibility that we could rent it.
I suggested we look for jobs back home and sell our house/land, move up there and live in his childhood home on the farm section. He was adamant that we could not do that, he could not quit his job and would not find a job in Omaha area. I said lets sit down and write out how we are going to make this work, then. He got pissed and said never mind if I didn't just trust him, forget it. And he started his affair and never really looked back.
He swears up and down that I told him we could not buy the farm, knowing it was all he ever dreamed of. I tried to point out after the fact that he got a job in the Omaha area within two weeks of deciding to move once he had the A and was going to leave me. So, it could have been done...
Anyway THAT is why he will never forgive me. Because he gave up everything to give me my dream and I b!tched, and then when he had the chance at his dream I said NO. (Not to mention, I said NO to cheating on me and he didn't follow my orders then, did he?)
I told him a while back we could make an offer on the land. The girl who bought it is 39, unmarried, family friend since birth. Her parents are best friends with Dan's parents. I told him she liked the setting but if we offered her an extra $50k for the place she could buy a different little house in the country, she had no emotional attachment.
He says, no, she would not sell, I just know it, but he never even tried asking her...
(((((BobbiJo)))))
Every time I read about your sitch like that, I am amazed at how many times you were willing to try. He had so many chances. It makes it so obvious that no matter what he says, it was never about you.
One more thing...I bought the book Boundaries in Marriage and read in during June 2009. I was amazed, saw where I had fallen short on my end, etc. Life Changing Book for me.
I wrote Dan a letter admitting my fault, owning my part in our problems. I was sincerely sorry for my contribution to our mess. He read it, said that I "said all the right things" but how could he know if I meant it.
What will never make sense is that I was willing to forgive him for the affairs and lies and betrayals, even before he fully confessed and asked for forgiveness. And yet conversely I opened my heart up completely to him and apologized and he refuses to forgive. Well, that means he will have a miserable life, but I don't have to....
I think Dan feels that he has no right to be trusted, to be loved, so how on earth could you love him. He has a lot of issues and somehow still finds fault in you because you have the capacity to love and forgive. Dan sadly does not.
kat
Well, that means he will have a miserable life, but I don't have to....
Quite.
The other thing to keep in mind BBJ, is that the WAS always re-writes the marriage history to fit whatever he or she has decided to do. Their fantasy becomes reality in their eyes. We sit there and can't believe what we're hearing, it's as though you lived a totally different existence! My wife used to say I wasn't a very good listener, yet for hours I'd sit and listen to her...and we're talking hours! So I told her that if she didn't find the way I listened helpful then I was willing to try new methods but she'd have to help me by pointing out if I slipped back into the old mode. Her response was simply "if I have to teach you how to listen then obviously you can't do it" They will sabatoge any effort you make to improve the M and then twist it into whatever their agenda is. Dan broke up his famiily and now he has to deal with the guilt and the best way to do that is to lay all the blame onn BBJ. What a weiner!
I think Dan feels that he has no right to be trusted, to be loved, so how on earth could you love him. He has a lot of issues and somehow still finds fault in you because you have the capacity to love and forgive. Dan sadly does not.
I think Kat is right about Dan.
He has no ability to empathize and resents you because you do, so he continues to say all this hogwash to you about not being able to trust women and fault you for the end of your M without acknowleding his contributions. Bobbi, I had no idea about the multiple A's on his part.
Dan can't trust women because they keep fooling around with him, a married man! Like a comedian, whose name I can't remember, once said "I just can't respect any woman who would go out with me"
Wow, Kat makes an excellent point Bobbi, reread that! Eventhough you explained it all and clearly feel frustrated that you tried to get him to trust your intentions and admitting your wrongs etc, this isnt about you. For some reason, Dan feels worthless and no right to be loved. It sounds insane that someone can go through life, even with a loving spouse and feel that way but I know it does happen... because my sister said the exact same thing.
She was married and after 12 years with her H, she destroyed the R and was bitter and resentful at him and only after 3 years of counselling did she admit deep down she didnt trust him during their R, becuase she felt worthless and unlovable, so what did that say about him if he stayed with her and loved her? So she felt angry and suspicious of him.
Crazy!
At the same time, it seems like the WS has the A's because it feels so good to have someone think they walk on water. Its as though they take very personally the ups and downs of married life, the negotiating, the decisions that have to be made, the changing of diapers. That stuff makes them feel even more worthless and unlovable because the spouse is distracted with the day-to-day business of reality. But its hard on the ego--especially if your ego needs a lot of feedback.
BBJ, what you did seems normal to me--having kids at home is tiring, making decisions about where to live, jobs to take, houses to buy, those are decisions married people have to make.
And they aren't easy. Sounds like Dan "caved" to avoid conflict, but you never knew what he really wanted or how much he wanted it. He caved before he even put it on the table, and then blamed you. My XH and I didn't deal with conflict well at all. We just ignored it--put it on the back burner. I think you have to learn how to have a good, positive fight--that might be the key to a good marriage!
Interesting feeback guys....I just feel like I have analyzed and reviewed and diagrammed for years now. I can't keep doing it. Bottom line, I tried the best I could but he is choosing to pin blame on me. I cannot change his viewpoint, only he can finally decide he has had enough of being angry and being the victim. If that day comes, I will be thrilled, bc our kids deserve a positive, happy father. If it doesn't, I will do my best to give them all I can give them...
So the date is finally taking shape...call me weird but I like to start with a tentative plan, even if we don't stick to it!
Sounds like GG and I will be having dinner/drinks and then meeting up with my cousin and his wife at a comedy club. I know my cousin well enough--we went to school K-12 together--to know that he wants to feel like he had a hand in all of this. It's just how he is. After all, he intially told GG I was 'available' last year on a golf outing. So I think he wants to be there to see his 'handiwork'...
I don't mind, I think it will be a good balance of time just to talk to GG and also some time with friends in a fun setting.
Just wish it hadn't gone from 60s to 30-40s in a matter of days....BRR!
So, got a date with GG tomorrow...
Then HockeyGuy (I don't actually know his occupation yet) who I have been emailing on Match asked me out. He suggested dinner, college basketball or hockey game. I am leaning toward hockey game. It is less intense than dinner because you aren't just sitting there looking at each other, but it is better than a movie bc although you are watching the game, you can talk. And, I like hockey!
So have to figure that out...
Ok time to go shopping! Gotta get my nails filled and hoping to find some cute black boots to wear tomorrow...Then I have an invite to a friend's house for one of those Tastefully Simple parties. Where you sit around and talk and presumably buy something from the host. I am looking forward to it, between that and MOPS on Wednesday it makes two nights out with other women this week, good for my goal of making female friends.
Onward...
I used to sell Tastesfully Simple. Try everything even if you normally wouldn't like it. I was surprised several times. Hope you have a good time with that. Oh and of course your dates too!
You are on a roll.
It's raining here how about up North?
kat
Freakin blizzard!
Ok not really but it was baad considering first snow of the year. Was supposed to be rain with a few flakes overnight. Now they are saying 2-4"!!
I went shopping for cute new jeans, new black boots, and found a cute new clutch/wristlet purse while I was there.
Came out of Kohl's and holy crap, snowing like crazy!
Had to make a quick Target run--love that my target has a starbucks!--and came out to find a ton of heavy wet snow on my car, and no snowbrush as I hadn't expected it...took a long time to get home as cars were going 35 on the interstate.
Did not make it to the party bc it took so long shopping and then driving in the snow. we are now in a Winter Weather Advisory...
GG texted around seven, "Are you sure you can't just come up tonight? :)" So it is nice to know he is looking forward to seeing me...
May I laugh, just a little bit?
I did wear a jacket for a couple of holes today.
May I laugh, just a little bit?
I did wear a jacket for a couple of holes today.
LALALALALA Can't hear you!!!
Got these boots...they are totally not my usual style, which is why I got them! Mixing it up and having fun...
http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/shoes/bootsnew/womensboots/midcalf1/PRD~633234/Candies+Hunter+Boots.jsp
Then got this little wristlet because it was cute, and I don't have a black purse. I actually only own two purses before this purchase--do I have to rescind my 'girl card' now?
http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/handbagsaccessories/handbags/wristlets/PRD~678499/ELLE+Pleated+Wristlet.jsp
Those boots are so NYC! Love the wristlet, too. You GO, fashionista!
Total asshat...
Dan has kids. He is such a child... last night I was on the phone w/nathan saying goodnight. I asked if he had his gear for basketball today. He starts to tell me then his dad says something in the background. Nathan says, "dad says we have everything we need for basketball and tumbling" bc Sydney had tumbling this morning.
So of course at 8:30 I get a text "We have Nathan bball stuff and sydney tshirt/shorts but no leotard". Well I know he has a leotard bc I sent one two weeks ago! This is why i should not send stuff over, he can buy duplicates...
Oh well I got up and ran over w/a leotard for Sydney. Not to help dan but to help Sydney. thankfully Dan was in the shower so I didn't have to see him.
Well a few minutes ago he texts me "Snow Gear?" I hate the 2 word texts where I am supposed to infer what he wants...
I replied "Sleds in shed and snow pants are here plus Sydney's new boots". He already knows I bought them both new coats and gloves bc A)I told him and B) They have them at his house
He replies back all pissy "Sleds? Are you serious? No." "The question is do they have the appropriate new winter gear?"
I replied back, "Ok I was giving general info. Hard to know when you text two words. :)"
He replied "I'm not smiling" "Never mind I will take them shopping." "I will get them both a set and you can finish getting your own stuff"
I replied, Sounds good." Now maybe he will start getting his own crap and leave me alone!!
What a spoiled immature kid...time to put on big boy pants and figure it out.
Already found the upside to his pouting...now that he is buying his own crap I will have even less need to have contact with him.
Seriously BBJ - I have no frickin idea how you have dealt with him all these years. He really wins the "a$$hole of all time award". What a jerk.
BA
Lord.... thank goodness....you need to tell him he needs duplicates of everything at his house.... he is pissy all the time.
Grrrrr
Have fun tonight!
(((((BobbiJo)))))
Well, I guess in a way he is making it easier for you to get over any feelings you had left. I thought your answers made perfect sense. I'm starting to think a cow fell on his head, he doesn't seem to remember anything!
Thanks guys! I am so excited...dinner, drinks, comedy club, yay me!
He is pissy and for whatever reason I get to be the brunt of it all... time to just say, "Ok then" and not take it personally. If he is even 10% as crabby with steffie then she can have him! She deserves it.
Ok time to hit the treadmill for a quick run, then Nathan's basketball game, then heading to Des Moines!
Well the next time he get's "pissy" I can think of a few two word text messages you can send him back but the only printable one I can list is "don't care" - I'm sure you know what the other one is!
I am amazed you were so civil! Too classy for a big baby like him! Have fun tonight!
Well the next time he get's "pissy" I can think of a few two word text messages you can send him back but the only printable one I can list is "don't care" - I'm sure you know what the other one is!
Here's my two word answer...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XyKVetF2kk
Time for church so quick rundown...
A) Dinner--Great time and he would not let me pay for anything
B) Funny Bone w/cousin & wife --so funny! And seats right up front.
C) Dueling Piano bar w/cousin & wife --good times, couple drinks, he paid again (I tried!)
D) Some nice good kissing
at the house where he was house-sitting
Home again to take kids to church and spend the day with my sis, her kids, my kids, and my parents. Good times...
Sounds all good to me! You deserved a nice evening out!
Bullseye! Sounds like a super fun and succesful date! I bet the boots were the good luck charm, right? (lol!)
Hey! I just wanted to drop by and check on you. Sounds like you had a great date. Happy for you.
hugs, kat
BBJ - Sounds like you had a great time on your date. Oooh high school kissing and house-sitting. Love it.