You know the saying, "God never gives us more than we can handle"? YES HE DOES!
Had a wonderful weekend in DC with Marc (pics are up in the alt) but on Saturday morning Gabe called me to say he took mom to dialysis but she wasn't doing well at all. 2 hours later he called to tell me they called him from the center and said they were taking her to the ER because she was horribly weak and had shortness of breath. She was admitted and now they have decided she has Congestive Heart Failure in addition to renal failure, high blood pressure and diabetes. She hasn't gotten any better in the three days she has been here either. I have no idea what to do now but am hoping for some sort of miracle.
Prayers are appreciated.
FIRST!
Making lemonades from lemons is on of my favorites!
(((((Mishka)))))
Sorry to hear the news about your mom.
I'm sure you have all of our thoughts and prayers.
(((((Mish))))). Thinking of you and your family.
Glad that you and Marc had a good weekend together. You both needed the break.
hugs, kat
Prayers for your Mom. Keep us informed, Mish.
Glad you and Marc had a good weekend. Glad Gabe was able to handle the complications with your mom until you got home. Sorry she's doing poorly. (((Michelle)))
Mom isn't doing any better. The strange part is that Saturday and Sunday she was apparently awake and talking to those around her and eating. Since yesterday she has done nothing but sleep, can't even keep her eyes open long enough to chew her food, and can only stand up with A LOT of help. It's horrible.
(((Mishka)))
Sorry to hear that. It's always sad when someone close to your dies, even though it's just a part of life. I hope it's not your mom's time yet.
Mishka, thats very sad news and must be so hard to see your Mum weak and suffering. I hope she's not in any pain at least.
I was heartened to see that Gabe handled it so well though, in your absence. Yay for reconciled marriages
xx
I am sorry Mish... Hope things improve.
Love
K
Great games today! NICE!
Just for inspiration and reassurance that miracles still happen....check this article out. This is one of Marc's friends from school that he played middle school football with. Amazing what having access to a world-class trauma center can do.
Injured Starr's Mill player makes full recovery They had a tribute at the game last night to the EMT's and helicopter pilots and flight surgeons who treated him. It was so moving. The helicopter was landed on the practice field and the boy was at the game with his parents and was interviewed by the local news. It was truly amazing.
Marc sat with him during the game and said he showed him the staples in his head. Marc wasn't grossed out at all...thought it was WAY COOL.
Mom has been in the hospital for 9 days now with no end in sight. They have no idea what to do for her but have found that her white cell count keeps increasing and they have taken numerous blood cultures to test for infection. They also want to do a thoracentisis but they can't because her blood is too thin right now and she could bleed out. Of course, the procedure could collapse her lung or cause other damage so.........there are always such severe cons aren't there?
She doesn't eat anything other than fortified pudding and a little fruit and scrambled eggs. She can usually feed herself a little in the morning but after that she is worn out and won't feed herself so I have to be there to do it. Her nurses are great but they have other patients to deal with so mom can't fed by them. It's such a struggle.
I trudge back and forth do the hospital for 4-6 hours at a time, work then straight back to the hospital to sit for several more hours.....I'm already worn out and don't see an end in sight.
So tired.......
((((((Michelle)))))))
That story is quite inspirational. It doesn't surprise me that Marc thought the staples were cool lol. Boys.
Sorry your mom is still doing poorly.
Have you told the rest of the family? It might be a good time to impress on them that this very well may be it and they should come and see her while they can. (Of course, while keeping fingers crossed that she recovers).
I wish I could help more. Hang in there chica. This too shall pass.
(((((Mish))))). I am sorry that your family is going through the hospital routine yet again. I know how tiring that can be. I really hope that they can find out what is going on. Remember don't be afraid to ask for help, you need a break too.
You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, kat
(((Mishka)))
I'm so sorry all this is happening, I'm thinking about you lots xx
Mish - Sending many virtual hugs....I hope that Gabe can go up to the hospital, if even once every few days, just to give you a break.
Mish, so sorry to hear about your mom-I'm going to add your family to my prayers tonight. Do you have anyone that can give you a break at all just even a few minutes? Remember the oxygen mask thing; you have to take care of yourself also....(((((((mish)))))
I'm working at taking care of myself. I came home from work tonight to change clothes and then went to the hospital to make sure mom ate something and I left immediately afterward. She was pretty upset about me leaving so quickly but I told her I had to get home to cook dinner for Marc. She calmed down after that.
So danged tired!!! LOL
I can empathize, Mish. I know what it was like when my Dad had cancer and I was rushing back and forth to the hospital each night. It's exhausting but you do what you gotta do. Take care of yourself.
Hope your momma feels better soon, Mish.
Joggling the back and forth to a hospital is the reason why we dont take my dad to one. That and that there isnt anything they can do for him at this stage.
I am sorry you have to deal with all that. You are such a devoted daughter and your mom is lucky to have you. I hope that things improve soon and she can come back to the house.
Just like Karen said, dont forget to take care of you.
Hugs
K
LOL. Your mom is pretty good at trying the guilt trips. Glad you made the visit short though. Definitely ditto to what Karen said.
(((Mishka))) Thinking of you, sending you virtual energy.
Still no improvement in mom's condition. I'm honestly of the opinion that she may never get out of the hospital. She is so exhausted from nearly 8 years of battling this. I don't blame her one bit.
I went to the hospital during my lunch yesterday to make sure she ate and to tell her I wouldn't be there last night. She started to get a little upset about that and I told her I really needed to go to bible study since I had missed last week (we are in the middle of a very intense study of Revelation) and that stopped her from getting too mad about it. It frustrates me that she seems to need a 'good reason' for me to not be there but I feel it's best not to get her too upset right now. I can also see the other side of the coin. If I were sick in the hospital, I would want my family there as much as possible too. It is a scary thing to be alone when you're ill, let alone when you are terminally ill. I hope to never have to find out how bad being that sick and alone is.
Marc is being promoted again in CAP. He is now an Airman First Class. He's so proud that he actually struts! LOL! I'm super proud of him too. He is trying extra hard in school too since I laid down the law that he has to keep his grades at A's and B's in order to continue in the drill team. Incentive!!!
Nothing else to report. I'm not having any kind of life of my own since I'm so wrapped up in the situation right now. There is going to have to be a break soon but I'm not sure how to accomplish that yet. Working on it.
She's scared, Mish. When people are scared they get understandably needy. In the hospital, you're a number. Maybe staff will come if I need something, maybe they won't. Patients often want those they can rely on, their loved ones nearby. That said, you carry on with your life because if you're exhausted and not getting your supports you are of no use to her anyway. It's hard when you see her need and part of you wants to be there 24/7 but you can't be. Is there a hospital chaplain who could also visit with your mom? Hang in there!
Yay for Marc!!! That's awesome!
Good for you, taking a little time to recover will help you be there for her more by not getting too burned out too early.
How about taking Marc over to help her with dinner one night? Or having Gabe take Marc and having the house to yourself to get a nap or something?
You never said if you had talked to the rest of your family about the seriousness of this.
I can definitely understand your mom's loneliness and exhaustion. Fighting for eight years just had to be so draining. And it only gets harder with the additional complications that have popped up. Being in the hospital is isolating, are there any home care options or hospice or anything?
((((((Mishka))))))
BAD BAD BAD night with mom last night.
I left work and went straight to the hospital with the plan of spending 1 hour there and then heading home to make a healthy meal and a bit of veg time to relax. That was blown apart after I had been there 10 minutes. In a nutshell she had all the symptoms of having a heart attack without the electrical readout of one. They believe it was a combination of acid reflux, a lot of excess gas from a medication they had given her earlier in the day and her inability to change position on her own. I was there until after 11pm and then couldn't sleep last night because I was expecting my phone to ring any minute with bad news. UGH. We'll see how today goes. They are trying to get her blood thicker with vitamin K so they can do a procedure. It's almost to the right number but probably a few more days before they can do it.
Gabe had me book an airline ticket for him for 1DEC-8DEC to go visit his mom. I'm trying not to have anxiety about it but I am not succeeding. My insides are in knots over it, my thoughts keep repeating "So how many ho's is he going to sleep with while he's there?". None of my business. He has no commitment to me. That doesn't mean that my heart and head aren't at war over that but there is nothing I can do about it.
Trust me, 2x4's are not going to help here. We have a sick, twisted semi-relationship with no direction and that is my own fault. He supports me and helps me with Marc and mom. He hugs and kisses me and that feels so nice. Always living in the moment with no future is becoming exhausting as I feel like the next thing I say, the day that I get cranky, the time I am too tired to accommodate his sexual needs will be the end of the road. I have too many other people that need me at the moment to be dealing with this though so I just keep sweeping it away. It will catch up with me and I'll completely come undone right in front of him. I know that. Again, no need to slam me upside the head with it. There is just no way to approach this with him. When and if I do, he will walk. Maybe that would be for the best. Maybe I'm just to exhausted to care.
Why approach anything with him at the moment? Often when we're tired and worried about ont thing it's harder to keep other concerns at bay. Deal with your mom's sitch and don't worry about dealing with Gabe at the moment, it's not the time! No 2X4's, just hugs
Mishka,
Thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. I agree that thinking about your R right now is too much, easier said than done, though. I read advice recently about what to do when in a type of crisis mode, it is a bit simplified, but that is about all my brain can handle these days: Do what is next. I think that is mostly focusing on just one thing at a time, as simple as shower now, next fix kids breakfast, and just do what needs to be done. You have so much going on right now, I think you need to allow yourself to just be you, and it won't be perfect, no way it could be, the strain you are under is enourmous and you need to be kind to you, too!
Now is not the time to worry about Gabe. Just focus on you and take it one hour at a time. You can do this.
You can deal with Gabe when other parts of your life aren't stressing you out beyond capacity.
The only 2X4 I have for you is assuming that he will walk if you address this with him. No assumptions. What he does is his choice. And he won't necessarily do what he's done in the past. What you do, and what boundaries you set, are your choices. You have grown, you have chosen to put the time and effort into painful self-introspection and growth. You are capable of handling things in a different way, and he is capable of it (whether he chooses to is up to him).
But that's for another day.
I'm glad your mom is hanging in there. It's so hard to see the ones you love suffer though. (((Mishka)))
I'm not worrying about Gabe, I don't have the energy to. I'm trying to just put this whole trip to CA out of my head and I'll deal with those emotions when that time comes.
For now I'm just holding on to my sanity and taking it hour by hour.
So sorry things are so difficult right now. You are pulled in a million directions and understandably stressed about your mom. Hugs...
Yeah, don't borrow trouble. You already have enough real trouble to deal with chica!
Hang in there. Remember to make sure you get some sleep. You're no good to anyone if you're falling over.
((((((Michelle))))))
Mish -
I don't know about the timing, but home or center-based hospice is really a God-send. My mother knew she was terminal for more than 18 months, so I can empathize with all the doctors/hospital trips/etc. I think the idea of letting family know that she is there at the hospital is a good one - could you even put an email out to family saying that she needs meal-time company on M-W-F afternoon (or whatever - and to let you know when they can make it over there...? Sometimes people say they want to help and be supportive, but they honestly have no idea what they can actually DO....if they can't visit, maybe make up a few casseroles for the house so you don't have to cook every night. Something. Put this out to your church group, too - good people know that having the opportunity to help others is a blessing onto them.
Things haven't improved with mom. According to the latest from her doctors, every test has come back negative. There is nothing they can specifically treat her for. Her white cell count is elevated,not as high as it was when she was admitted, but still far higher than normal. They are giving her broad spectrum IV antibiotics for it. Their only other explanation? Failure to thrive. In other words....she has given up.
I don't know how much longer they can keep her in the hospital. I have the number for a local in home hospice care that can most likely treat her. They treated my aunt until she died and they are a wonderful organization. Since she has end-stage renal failure she should qualify.
Donna, my local family consists of two cousins and their spouses and children (all of which are older teens to adults). Out of approximately 15 people, only Gabe and one cousin (my closest one) have gone to see her and even then, only twice. I made a point of telling my cousin yesterday that Marc keeps making comments about living on sandwiches and cereal and it's making him sick. She did offer to make some extra soup a couple of times this week to bring over so we had something better than sandwiches for dinner. That will be nice.
I have told the rest of them that I really could use some help with making sure she eats and just spending some time with her so she isn't alone, even if it's only for 30 minutes. Not one has shown up. Selfish. I really am tired of asking for help and being shot down or ignored. Do you see why I stopped bothering to ask a LONG time ago? My family is very close but not willing to help. What is that? I don't understand it. I bent over backwards to make sure they had help when my aunt was dying and my uncle died suddenly. They can't return that? It just further proves to me that everyone in my RL is really only out for themselves and the rest of the world be danged.
I've put it to my church group too. No takers. Nothing. My mom never was able to go to church here so no one knows her. Heck, hardly anyone at church knows me very well either. I can't spend time volunteering for things and joining groups because I'm taking care of my family. I guess it would be different if I had been able to because I see them jump through all sorts of hoops to help others.
No point in beating a dead horse. Just venting and FAR too tired to censor my feelings at the moment.
I'm sitting at work with piles of stuff on my desk to work on but I can't concentrate on any of it. ICK! I'm going to have some pretty ticked off clients if I keep at that. Oh well.....again, I just don't have the energy to care!
Marc did decide last night that he wanted to hand out candy. My neighborhood is tough to gauge. Some years we get hordes of kids and other years we get 5-10. I stopped at the store on my way home from the hospital yesterday and bought 4 large bags of candy. We have 1/4 of one bag left over! That was a lot of kids!!!!!
Other than that, just getting through one day at a time and hoping for a better tomorrow. I figure if I keep that hope, it has to happen some time right? LOL
Mish, sorry to hear about Mom. It's hard when you reach out to others and you get a deaf ear. I think the idea of passing on makes people real squeamish, it reminds us of our own mortality. It's no excuse for not being there, just an explanation of sorts. Have you talked directly with your Pastor about getting some help? Some churches have friendly visitor/outreach groups and if yours doesn't he or she still may be able to kick some butt and get you some support from the church members, regardless of how often you do or don't attend.
Hang in there and feel free to vent any time!
I was thinking the same thing about your Pastor. And you go to the bible study group, don't you? Would you feel comfortable standing up and telling them you need help?
He might not be their favorite person, but would Gabe make a quick phone call or email your cousins and tell them that you need a hand, that you feel let down?
I remember this time in my own relationship with my mom - it is a hard thing to go though. Glad to know that you have hospice there.
Mish, if you don't ask then they never have a chance to show up. If you ask, you at least put the responsibility on them. If they choose not to spend time with her, that is something they can feel guilty over. But you have done the right things, both in taking care of your mom and telling everyone what is going on.
As for your church, you are involved with bible study and such. Talk to them, talk to your pastor. Even if your mom isn't known there, you are known to some. Ask on behalf of yourself too. You are dealing with a LOT. Anyone would be overwhelmed.
((((((Mishka)))))))
You all make me so teary. You are all such wonderful, supportive people. I wish you were all in closer proximity so I could just come give you all BIG HUGS!!!
I have bible study tomorrow night. I asked for prayer last week and explained the situation during that. If I can manage it, I'll see if I can corner our leader and talk to her about arranging some help. She is a super lady with a lot of spunk. She may be better able to rally the troops.
I know that it is hard for you to ask for help. Maybe you can email...?
I wish I lived closer, too - you would get lasagna this week. I don't think it ships well, though...
That sounds like a plan.
I wish I lived closer too so I could help more. But we'll have to settle for virtual hugs for the moment.
Love ya chica.
I love the virtual hugs! You guys give the bestest!!!
Yeah Donna, lasagna doesn't do too well in the mail. All that gooey cheese. YUM! I think my mailman might confiscate it anyway!
(((((Mish))))) I wanted to check in and see how you and your Mom are doing. Hoping for the best.
kat
(((Mish))), saw your FB update. I'm keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.
I just got an update from Mish....her mom has decided to not have any more dialysis, so it is a matter of time.....
Mish, we are all thinking of you, here...
((((((Mishka))))))
I am sorry to hear that.
I definitely understand where she's coming from though.
That's exactly what my grandmother decided after fighting leukemia for a while. The quality of life just isn't worth the treatments anymore.
Of course, it still is hard for those left behind. But you and your mom have had an amazing time together. You have been there for her every step of the way and she obviously knows how much you love her.
Thinking of you sweetie.
You have been so strong and wonderful through all of this with your Mom. Lots of hugs. Sending prayers and warm thoughts your way.
((((((Mish))))))
kat
Hugs and prayers coming your way sweets. Stay strong,
Love
M
Thinking of you Mish at this dreadful time. Like Michelle said, you have been an amazingly supportive daughter throughout her illness and she knows you are there for her and love her. Hugs to you hun,
Al xxx
((((((Mish)))))) I'm so sorry. The best advice I can give you is to love her and let her love you and be her baby. If it isn't painful to her, put your head on her lap and let her stroke your hair. I know you're her caretaker right now, but in the end, she's the mommy and your the baby, bond for a moment like that. (((((((Mish)))))))
Hugs to you. {{{{{Mish}}}}} Be with her. She knows she is loved.
Thinking of you Mish! My Dad just had a Colonscopy and Gatroscopy yesterday and they found no cancer, so that's a relief. It's hard watching them suffer. You're in my prayers.
Just thinking of you and wanting you to know that. Lots of hugs.
kat
Fly-by hugs..............
Thinking of you Mishka. You have been in my prayers.
Dagny
I just had to stop by and say I love your thread title LOL it's gotta be the best I've seen
I will take the advice and add an extra twist
Mish's mom passed away this afternoon...
Oh No....................
Mish, so sorry to hear that. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I am so sorry. (((((Mish))))). You are in my prayers. Let me know if I can do anything. My number is on the alt.
Love you. Kat
So sorry for your loss, Mish. Let us know how you are when you're up to it. We'll continue to pray for you.
(((((((((Mish)))))))))) I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you and Marc loved her well.
Hugs, Mishka. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
Misha,
I'm sorry for your loss. Your devotion to your mother is very admirable. She was so lucky to have such a loving daughter. (((Misha)))
Mishka,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you during this very difficult time.
Dagny
I'll post a little more when I get a little more time. I just wanted to thank you all for all your messages of love and support. You have all become a wonderful lifeline and I appreciate you all more than I could ever say!
Love to you all. I'll catch up with everyone as soon as I can.
Michelle
I wanted to stop by and check on you. I posted on your wall as I couldn't get my iPod to send a message. the battery was low and I was tired, probably human error. I hope you are doing okay. Please know that you can call me if you need to/want to.
Love ya. kat
Kat - I'll answer your post on FB sometime in the next couple of days between all the holiday craziness!!! LOL Can't do it at work.
The sadness comes in waves but I know it will lessen in time.
After sitting with mom for 2 weeks, waiting for the toxins to build up in her body due to not having dialysis, her death was still horribly painful. Even when you are prepared for it, the finality still shocks your system.
We had some good talks when she was awake enough at the nursing home. On what became her final day I had gotten there at my usual 9am, sat down with my book in one hand and holding her hand with my other. That had become our routine. Her breathing had become very rattling overnight and it was distressing me quite a bit. Gabe had called me to ask if I wanted him to bring me anything. At first I told him no, I knew he had plans in the few hours he had off work and I didn't want to disrupt that, but I really wanted a Pepsi Max (caffeine overload!) so I asked him to bring one. He came and had already done his errands so he decided to sit with me since he saw I was very distressed over her breathing. Her nurse decided it was definitely time to call in hospice so that she could have stronger pain meds and they could reduce the rattling so it wouldn't be so scary to me. The hospice doctor and nurses had just come in and needed me to fill out paperwork to transfer her to their services. I asked Gabe to stay with her while I went with the nurse. I had been in the conference room only about 15 minutes and Gabe called me. He said that I needed to get a doctor or nurse in there ASAP because he thought mom was gone. We ran back to the room, but she had indeed passed.
I was pretty upset at first that she had died in the 15 minutes I had left the room. That I wasn't there for her in those last moments. I quickly realized that this was probably God's saving grace and that if I had been there in those last few minutes I may have lost my mind a little. Gabe didn't know why HE had to be the one to be there but he was glad he was. He loved my mom more than even his own mother. My cousin says that God chose that time specifically. Gabe was honored by God by being the one chosen to be with such a precious life in her last moments. I like her thinking but I'm trying not to attach any real significance to it. I still expect Gabe to run off with no warning.
So, on that subject, you all said (rightly) that it was not the time to examine our strange arrangement. I still won't call it a R. I have no idea what it is and he doesn't want to call it anything. I'm still letting it all slide by me because I'm too stressed over everything else right now to deal with it but I know I'm going to have to face the reality in the near future that this is not how I want to live my life. Having him in my life, but not having any definition is hurting me deeply. I know in my heart that I love him. I always will. I just can't live on this knife's edge waiting for him to get sick of me an walk away again. Last night I completely lost my control after he came back from work. I had plugged my phone in and it was on vibrate. I was sitting less than 5 feet from it so I should have heard it vibrate but apparently Gabe had called me a couple of times and texted me 5 times to tell me he was on his way back and to ask me if I needed anything. He came in the door and the first words he said were, "What? Do you not want to talk to me?" He said it with a tone of anger that I hadn't heard from him since he had moved in. It sent me spinning back to when he left me. I was very emotional last night so when he said that I felt myself start to cower. I felt my stomach tighten and I felt sick and scared. It was all those horrible feelings again in the span of 2 minutes. I explained about the phone, apologized and then withdrew quickly. He quickly picked up that I was upset and asked what was wrong. I told him I had a tough day and proceeded to cry my heart out. Instead of running the other way like he always used to, he came to me and held me while I cried. That went on for about 10 minutes until I finally calmed myself down and I felt compelled to apoloize about the phone again. He seemed surprised that I would apologize again. He said he wasn't angry with me, he was just worried that something had happened when I didn't answer him. Of course, coming in the house asking me if I just didn't want to talk to him probably wasn't the best approach, but he is a man....WTH can I expect? UGH!
So, all in all, I'm plugging along. I'll deal with one thing at a time and try not to overwhelm myself with too many things. I promise!
Mish, again I am truly sorry for your loss.
((((Mish)))
You sound like a very strong woman who loved her mother very much. I am sure she was so happy to spend that time with you.
Hey Mish, I'm so sorry that you lost your Mom and for Marc too, how is he doing?
I wasnt suprised when you said your Mom passed when you were out of the room, I have heard lots of people say that.. you were the closest person to her, maybe she felt able to let go when you were away from the pain of watching her. My H sat by his Dads bedside for 3 months, his brother came to take over one day and within a few minutes of leaving the room, his Dad passed away. H was naturally upset as you were, but perhaps also a little relieved as it would have been so much harder for him than it was on his brother, as it would have been for you rather than Gabe.
You need some weeks/months to get over your Mums death, so I would say, give yourself time to adjust, enjoy Marc and Gabes company and support and just live in the now a little longer? Its good that you let it out and cried on him for 10 minutes though and no, you really shouldnt apologsie to him so much, you have nothing to apologise for! Perhaps keep reminding yourself of that. He wont like you apologising either. My Mum told me to stop doing it, she said all it does is exacebate THEIR guilt, and you dont want to do that right.
Thinking of you and thanks for posting to me when all this has been going on.
Al xxx
It was a great thanksgiving! I really thought it would be a hard day, but I managed to get through it without crying more than a couple of small tears. That was pretty great!
We did our traditional Thanksgiving feast (enough food to feed us all for the next 4 days morning, noon, and night) and then sat around passing the Black Friday ads around deciding our game plan. I had a serious surprise when going through my mom's recent papers. She had set aside $1000 for Christmas this year. She never spends much money for Christmas but I think she had an idea how this year was likely to turn out. She left a note for me along with the statement that said to take the money and make it a memorable Christmas...DO NOT PAY BILLS WITH IT! So....I did just that and at Black Friday prices.
I won't give you the blow by blow but I was able to get my hands on one of the LCD TV deals at Target, a Blue Ray player to go with it, a new digital camera (I managed to lose mine during all the craziness at the hospital), movies, video games, HDMI cables, clothes for Marc, and tickets to the Packers vs. Falcons NFL game this Sunday (that was part of Marc's 16th birthday present which was on Black Friday). Mom would be very pleased!
Being up for 30 hours straight cooking and shopping wore me out though and now I have a nasty cold. Lots of good meds are being taken so it's fine.
LOL
Hope everyone's Thanksgiving day was fun.
Oh Mish, what a wonderful thing your mom did for you and your family! I am so glad you were able to go out shopping and enjoy yourself. Hope that cold gets better!
Hugs...
My Packers lost but Marc was cheering for the Falcons (blood traitor!) so he was happy.
Gabe is being extremely kind and sweet which is SO unlike him. I keep watching him to try to figure out what he is up to. It's like he's getting ready to make a big move. Oh well, it's been nice having him here. Whatever he is up to, I will be ok. I know it. Life is in perspective a little better. Take today for what it is, live as if there is no tomorrow, and never expect anything to go the way you planned it!
Back to work tomorrow...boo hiss!
I know! I do NOT want to go back to work either! And I love my job, too...
Just enjoy his niceness and don't wait for any shoe to drop. I am glad he is there, for you and Mark, especially that he stepped up while you were supporting your mom...
I am pretty sure I posted you hugs on FB. I think. With my jet lag, I may have hallucinated it. So, to be safe ((((((Michelle))))))
Glad you had a good Thanksgiving.
And your mom's foresight was amazing. SO SO SO glad you got to splurge. What a wonderful gift she left you!
So happy to hear Gabe is being supportive. And so glad to hear you are talking about things like the miscommunication about your phone.
As your mom's death probably only overemphasizes, everything in this life is temporary. Gabe could leave tomorrow, or he could be hit by a bus. So just enjoy the moments. It's less stressful that way. You deserve every minute of love and happiness.
Mish - have you gone to that website
http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/One of the things she talks about is doing daily affirmations and gratitude lists. I know that it is something we've talked about before - ie., your self esteem and general outlook. Hon, so many people here care for you. Do you know that is because you are a lovable, warm, good person? Cause we wouldn't if you were anything but. Maybe it is time to get back to that rewiring that you were working on...
Donna,
Thank you for the reminders. I have checked out that website and it is really excellent with lots of great lists to use. I've been using them sporadically but probably should do it daily just to reinforce things.
Rewiring? Heck, I thought I was doing pretty good all things considered.
Could you point out what I said that sounds like I'm in the dumps? I must be missing it (which is typical for me! I can be pretty dense sometimes! LOL)
My microwave decided to give up on Thanksgiving day right in the middle of cooking frozen corn. Thankfully I wasn't doing anything too important. I just took it to my cousin's and finished it up but we can't live in my house without one! UGH! Going to have to go buy a new one. Thankfully I found one at Wally World for only $69 that is nearly identical to the one I have. Large enough and with enough power to do what I need it to do. I found a super cheap one at Best Buy for $29 but it's too small and definitely not enough power!
Off to do errands today and fill out a TON of paperwork for insurance stuff. UGH!
Hey, Mish...no, it isn't reading that you are down in the dumps, but your pessimistic outlook regarding Gabe is still firmly entrenched. I know that you feel hope is dangerous right now - I so get that. Even if he has given you some signs to feel it. Maybe even because of those signs...
To counteract that, you can look again to your self-esteem issues that you have brought up in the past. I get the feeling that you just haven't been paying much attention to you lately (with great reason). Hope you take time to get back to knowing and loving the wonderful "you" that you are. Then, what Gabe does or doesn't do won't be eating at you.
Much love chica...
Oh my! Well, I'm done for then! LOL I think whatever he is or isn't doing will eternally eat at me. It's so hardwired into my nature to consider the actions of those around me to determine my own feelings. I've never found a good way to combat that. I was brought up to believe that if those around you are not happy with you then you need to change yourself. I now understand that is not always the case, sometimes if they aren't happy with you but you are happy with yourself then it is their problem and they either adjust or walk away. It's the walking away that I can't handle so I adjust myself to accommodate them, eternally making myself unhappy. What I know in my head is right and what I end up doing are just not in sync. It's like cutting off my own hand to go against my nature. Why should it hurt me so much to just do what I need to do for me? That makes no sense and yet I know I must. It will obviously be a lifelong battle with myself and I fear it's one I will not be able to actually win. However, victory in a few skirmishes would be a nice start.
I had asked Gabe a few days ago if he thought he would have time before he leaves for CA to get the Christmas decorations down from the attic and he said yes. I fought my nature of asking again and just left it in his hands. I never said another word about it. He leaves tomorrow morning early. Miracle of miracles......before he went to work tonight he got Marc and went out to the garage to get them all down! Yippee!!! There are boxes piled all over the living room but I'll be able to do something with them this weekend.
Still filling out paperwork. This stuff is miserable! I don't know how you do it Michelle....all the legalese is giving me an enormous headache! It all sounds like garbledy gook!!!!! LOL
(((((Mishka)))))
I think that really recognizing the issues you have is a big step. You've danced around them for a long time, but you are getting much more succinct in you statement of them lately. Which I think might mean you will be able to start addressing things. Obviously not all at once, just a skirmish at a time!
Gabe getting the decorations down was one of those little victories, you know!
We are all works in progress. There is no such thing as a perfect human. Don't beat yourself up about that part. Just keep doing work. You have come SO far, have made such amazing progress, and are well onto the path.
Good for you about biting your tongue with Gabe! And yay that he did it!!!! I hope you let him know how much you appreciated that.
Yeah, paperwork isn't fun. Good luck with all that!
Finished all the IRA transfer and life insurance paperwork. Now I have to finish gathering all the hospital bills together for the AARP hospital indemnity. That is a LOT of paper!!! The postage is going to be huge for that one! LOL
Now that things are getting more in order (except my house...that's a complete disaster area) I'm going back to weight watchers this Saturday. My group leader will probably fall over when she sees me. With all the depression eating I managed to put back on every ounce I lost along with a bit. UGH! I feel miserable. Can't wait to get back to work on ME!
I already warned Gabe that the food choices in the house would be changing and all 'bad' stuff will be banned from my sight. He didn't balk at it so I figure he can get his junk fix while he's out.
Now I just have to hope that my plantar fasciitis doesn't flare too badly.
Now that I've told you all about that......I have to start my Christmas baking and candy making soon. It usually takes me two entire weekends to get it all done for my family. The funny part is that I don't ever eat what I bake. After smelling it for days I find that I really don't want any. Miracle!
Do any of you do much baking for Christmas? If so, would be care to share a special family recipe with me? I'm trying to change up a couple of my cookie choices this year.
Just a quick question, in light of all the upheaval you have had in your life these last few months.
Do you WANT to cook and bake?
Or do you think you have to, that it is expected, and you don't want to upset anyone?
I always cook and bake. It's the one gift I can give and I enjoy giving. I already know I'm not going to make as much as I usually would because I'm not being that ambitious. No one would truly be upset, but I wouldn't feel right about it. It's a tradition.
If you love to bake and do it to relax and get in the holiday spirit, then yes, I have an easy and fun recipe that I can change a few ingredients and make lots of variations...they start with a boxed cake mix (not sure if you are open to that).
That sounds great! I make Paula Deen's Ooey, Gooey, butter cakes that you change around all sorts of ways and it starts with boxed cake mix too. I am all about Simply Homemade. Heck, Sandra Lee made a fortune out of something I have done forever!!! LOL
Ooooh Mishka, whenever you talk about the food you make hear it always makes my mouth water... I love doing stuff like that but am such a terrible cook! What a wonderful gift to the family! And fun for getting in the holiday spirit. Do you sing loudly to Christmas songs when you do it? I always do when putting up the tree
(((Mishka)))
I usually turn the Christmas music up loud and sing sing sing but there were some HUGE football games (American football) this weekend so I had those on while I was decorating the tree. Cookies are another subject. I do need music on while doing that. I haven't started that yet but I'm hoping that I can knock some of it out next weekend. The fudge keeps really well in the fridge for a couple of weeks but the cookies have to wait until right before Christmas or they aren't fresh. I can't stand to give stale or even heading toward stale cookies. UGH!
Gabe has been back in California since last Wednesday. On day two he sent me a text that said "Yes, I miss you." I hadn't asked him that, I hadn't been texting him except in response to something he sent me. That was a shock. I don't know if he was just feeling a little sad to be away or if he actually misses me but it sure gave me a little jolt of happiness for a little while. Like I've said before, I live on the edge teetering, waiting for him to walk out. He had nothing keeping him here and never says what he wants and we all know I'm not about to say a word to him about my feelings. Just feeling like he cared was nice though.
Hope you all had a great weekend. I spent mine trying to decorate my tree and put up some outside lights. I got the tree done with only a few tears and got about half of the outside lights done. The rest will have to wait until next weekend. Not bad.
If baking relaxes you, definitely go for it.
I can post my easy recipe for dark chocolate guinness cupcakes if you want, it starts with a boxed cake mix too.
I haven't even figured out the tree thing yet. Growing up the rule was no talk of Christmas til after my mom's birthday (Dec 11th), she always figured 2 weeks before Christmas was enough time LOL.
Very cool about Gabe missing you. (Who wouldn't though, you are totally awesome!)
Sorry to hear the stress has contributed to gaining back some weight, but I'm sure you'll get a handle on it soon. You can do it!
Hang in there chica. Sounds like you can see the light at the end of the paperwork tunnel! And don't worry, if it is the light of the oncoming train, at least it'll run over all the paperwork!
And don't worry, if it is the light of the oncoming train, at least it'll run over all the paperwork!
Bwwwhhhhaaaaa haaa haaa haaa haaa!!!! That was awesome!!
Ok...have to spill it here before I'm tempted to call Gabe and unload all of my anxiety and suspicions.
I logged in to my bank account this morning checking on my balance (which is low in the extreme) and to see what Gabe's balance is since he hadn't given me any of the money he was due to pay the beginning of the month. Of course, that is my fault since I told him it could probably wait until he got back from CA since he left on the 1st. WRONG!
The account he uses is what was our joint account so it is still linked to all of my accounts on my side but he can't see any of my accounts...clever, I know.
Anywho...I opened his account to check the balance and noticed that he stayed in a hotel the night of 2DEC. He told me he was at his mom's that night and he has been staying with his friend the nights he hasn't been at her place supposedly. The alarm bells are ringing loud and clear. Why was he in a hotel? Who was he meeting up with? WTF is going on? GAG! I can't handle this. I may blow a gasket any minute!!!!!
HELP! Talk me down please....:(
Admittedly, this doesn't look good. But you shouldn't jump to conclusions. Is there a way to ask him why he stayed in a hotel that night?
Does he know you can see his account activity?
So maybe it is time for the "If we are going to make a real go of this these are the ground rules",talk. If he doesn't want to make a go, well he knows where the door is.
The thing is Mish, boundaries haven't clearly been defined since you guys started back up. While I don't condone the hotel stay, the way things stand at the moment, I am not sure he owes an explanation. If you are going to really have a relationship, all this needs to be talked about.
So 3 options: The talk, Status quo or the door. You pick.
hugs, kat
Deep breath.
Go for a walk or something.
Don't jump to conclusions. He may have had an argument with his mom or wanted to be on his own for some other reason.
When you have calmed down and can handle a conversation with him, then you can plan out what to do.
((((((((Hugs)))))))))
The only way I see that this isn't what it looks like is if (1) his mom threw him out or (2) the charge isn't for a hotel room, but for a meal or drinks.
In your place, I'd call the hotel and ask them to fax you a copy of the bill to rule out (2). Then I'd ask his mom if he stayed that night to rule out (1).
Assuming you confirm that he stayed in the hotel and lied about it, then I'd confront him: "Gabe, I know you've been lying to me. I don't know what you want from our R, but I know that I want an honest and exclusive R. That doesn't seem to be where you are. But I'm not willing to live with less."
Either way, he lied about being at his mom's and was at a hotel.
You could ask him straight up what happened.
I like Old's advice: Assuming you confirm that he stayed in the hotel and lied about it, then I'd confront him
Oooh. OT is brilliant! I love the little research idea!
He absolutely stayed in the hotel. I should have called it what it was.....ECONOLODGE!! No food or drinks to be had.
Still fuming and formulating.
I've been to an econolodge with a bar that had a band, oddly enough.
You may be fuming and formulating, but look how well you are doing. Pretty detached, pretty strong.
Remember, you made YOUR choices and and accepted the risks. You are not the victim here. Look how far you have come.
I've been to an econolodge with a bar that had a band, oddly enough.
Random! How was the band, OT?
Really amazing lady jazz singer, I thought it was recorded until I decided the sound quality was too good.
How funny OT! I've been to a Ramada that had a bar and lounge but never and econolodge.
What a riot! Love jazz...that would have been interesting.
I have come far. WITHOUT A DOUBT! I still have a nearly impossible time formulating what I want to say and then actually spitting it out when I need to but I'm working at it......constantly!
Start writing a script. Since you can do this over the phone you can have your notes handy.
I'm just going to send hugs right now.......
not sure if you want to deal with this over the phone. Did he have a tentative date for coming back?
Lol, right. Skip the phone call, that's what texts are for. Humpphhh.
Nah. Why text. Just write a letter. Better yet, for a more impersonal touch, type the letter.
WTH, just set his car on fire!...uh, it's a joke...right? You got that.
A joke. Roger that.
Now putting marbles behind the door panel of his car....
I still love the marble idea.
I pick him up at the airport tomorrow night.
Still thinking about it all.
I vote straight up and to the point. "So, Gabe, I was checking some account balances and see you stayed at an Econo Lodge. What's that about?" But you have to deliver it in neutral. Jumping on him will put him in defense mode and then you may not get a straight answer...
As some of the others said, maybe it was innocent. I don't like that he lied about it, but still...I know I could not handle staying with my mom and dad for a week, I would have to get a hotel or something somewhere in there! I mean I love my parents, but staying with them??? Not so much.
WTH, just set his car on fire!...uh, it's a joke...right? You got that.
Hey now, that is on eof my favorite scenes in Waiting to Exhale. When Angelal Bassett goes all Fire Marshall Bill on her husband's Mercedes
Excellent!
Mischa, I would confront/ask him in person. Not over the phone.
I'm definitely doing this in person. Not a phone thing. I need to see him eyes when I ask him.
I like BBJ's approach to being neutral when asking him. I know the Econolodge he stayed at was in Anaheim and he went to Disneyland the next day. His mom lives up in Pasadena so it would have been a long drive from her house to the park but he also could have told me that. That's what set me off! We'll see how it goes. I pick him up at 8:30p tonight.
I know he's homesick. He's been telling me that for 3 days now. He said that a week was just too long to be gone and that California just isn't home anymore. And not long ago he wanted to move back there? Hmmmmm.......
Too many conflicting things and I HATE trying to sort it all out. My quiet little life with no big, scary decisions is much preferred.
That's a perfectly reasonable explanation. Good job not letting yourself automatically believe the worst.
But definitely in no way was not being upfront about it acceptable. Methinks he was possibly being passive aggressive about the fact that he thinks you would freak if he told you he was staying in a hotel?
So, definitely important to handle this calmly and get across that you are not upset about him staying at the hotel (unless something did happen of course) but rather that he wasn't just honest about it.
A quiet life with no scary decisions is a fantasy lol. If you aren't making the decisions and setting the boundaries, they're being made for you and set by someone else. Conflict can be scary, but not facing issues never resolves them, and they become bigger issues later. Best to just nip it in the bud early before it grows larger.
Did he not tell you he went to Disneyland either?
I knew he was going to Disneyland. We both worked there when we lived in California and one of his buddies who is still with the company signed him and his BMF in. He spent the whole time there texting me pictures and asking me what Christmas ornament I wanted him to bring back for me. He met up that night at the ESPN zone with some more people he used to work with. I knew all of that and he kept telling me what he was doing. This was the one piece he left out. It feels significant.
Michelle, I didn't mean to say I don't make decisions. I just prefer not to have the situations arise that require major deisions. I inevitably make the wrong one!!!! UGH!
Of course, the few times I've gone against my gut instinct and chosen differently that was the one time I should have gone with my usually errant gut! Go figure.
3 hours and counting......
You know Mish, he missed you. He included you in lot of the Disney stuff as you mentioned above. I think it was like you said, he wanted to be close to Disney. Gee I remember what should have taken maybe a half hour to drive ended up taking 2 hours or more. It makes sense.
I think maybe just saying that you were checking the account, saw the charge and wondered why he didn't mention it. No emotion, no accusation so that he won't go on the defensive.
You do need to decide where you want this to go at some point though.
love ya, kat
No, you make the everyday decisions just fine. But the scary ones, well, scare you.
This is not a big deal. It is an opportunity to lay a boundary with him.
To be calm and not accusing, to present your issue so that he can hear it (even if he doesn't agree right away).
Just put it out there. I know you lied to me about staying at your mom's. I was checking some bill stuff, saw the charge and wondered why you didn't mention it. If you want to go beyond that, throw something in about because of what happened the last couple years, this caused me some anxiety. In order to avoid that in the future, I would like you to tell me about things like that in advance. And set the boundary, I want a relationship with open and honest communication and will not settle for less.
No need to do it tonight either. I don't think in the car on the way back from the airport would be good, he'll probably be tired and jet-lagged. Maybe tomorrow? Or after you get settled at home?
Not sure I handled this in the 'correct' way but I feel good about it.
I picked him up (his flight was 15 minutes early so that put me in a bit of a rush) and the second he got in the car he leaned over and gave me a HUGE, long kiss and said he was so happy to be home. He's not an initiator so that was nice.
We just started chatting on the way and I talked about what he had done when he first got there last Wednesday (he was having family drama immediately with his sister who is a total fruitloop!). He then told me about Thursday and meeting up with his dad and his best friend and then going to his house to stay but then they decided to go have drinks that night and they ended up at a hotel near the bar they went to so they didn't have to drive home. He came out with that without me prompting him. I told him I must have misunderstood because I thought he was spending that night at his mom's. He said he had planned to but then after the drama and mess he didn't want to run into his sister again that day so he went with his friend (who also let him borrow an extra car so he could get around on his own).
I didn't need to confront him on anything, I didn't even lead him into it. He came out with that on his own and knowing what was going on with his family, it makes total sense.
I do plan to have a sit down with him very soon to discuss where this R is going. I can't be guessing about his intentions anymore. It's really starting to hurt my heart and my head!
Started weight watchers new plan this past weekend. I've blown it twice this week already. This time of year is IMPOSSIBLE to stay on track but it's better that I try otherwise I'll put on 10 pounds easily if I don't pay attention at least part of the time.
Tomorrow needs to be a holiday in our city! My son's high school is in the state championship football game for the first time in school history tomorrow night. They play in the Georgia Dome (where the Falcons play) at 8pm tomorrow night. The excitement is at a fever pitch now!!! GO PANTHERS!
Ahem missy...
You mentioned NOTHING about him having a very good reason for staying at a hotel (re Disney)... AHEM... Trying to get your own panties in a twist?
Anyway, at this point, I'd stick with NOT pursuing.
Look, he forgot about moving to California, he was there for you during your mom's illness, he was in constant contact missing you while he was in California, he came back loving and initiating.
Now is NOT the time to try to back him into a corner. Let him figure out what he wants on his own. Forcing an answer out of him will leave you BOTH unsure of what he really wants. Imagine a meek "yeah ok" from him after you force a response compared to "Mish, ILYSM, let's really be back together," coming from him on his own. GIVE HIM SPACE.
Imagine that this is a new R (it is, BTW). You get to this point in dating, he's all about you, pursuing you, missing you. You would NOT start demanding a promise ring or else, would you?
Prescription: Extend double-secret probation by two months, get back to me in the morning.
I think that actually worked out fine. He told you everything without you having to ask or put him on the spot. Actually probably smart of them to not attempt to drive after drinking and they were closer to where they needed to be anyhow if I understood everything correctly.
Glad he missed you.
kat
LOVE IT OT! YOU CRACK ME UP!
You got it all straight kat. And all of that came out on his own without me having to ask him for an explanation of the charge.
Way to go Mishka!! I love it when things work out without us having to interfere, isn't it always the most satisfying resolution. Yay!
So glad everything came out on its own and his explanation was very legitimate and reasonable.
LOL about the double-secret probation OT!
His actions are speaking volumes chica. The way you write about it, he is "all there."
While I agree that you shouldn't back him into a corner, asking for what you want will not be the end of the world either, done right of course.
Was serious about double-secret probation. I wouldn't be married for five years with a four-year-old without using it while dating H.
Gabe knows what she wants, so does she. Asking for it shares no new info, but it takes away Gabe's chance to figure out what he wants.
Teach me grasshopper!!!
Exactly how does this double-secret probation work? If I don't tell him what I want then how can he ever decide if he is willing to give that?
Double secret probation...I think my BIL was on that for drug possession...didn't work, but he did switch to Listerine!
OT - why do you think he knows what she wants? Am I forgetting a conversation here, or didn't he just move back into the house, and then the bedroom with nary a real conversation? While that might make it obvious they want to be with each other, that doesn't necessarily make it obvious what she wants from the R from my perspective...
Are you clear about what your needs from the relationship are Mishka? I found it really helpful to write down what my needs and expectations were (which I found in the end to be surprisingly simple) and then I knew exactly what I was asking for.
OH my Julia, tough question. I have a hard time defining my goals in every aspect of my life so figuring those out in a R is even tougher. I'll work on it and see where I get.
Sadly no. It was a horrible trouncing. They ended up 14-1. The 1 being the MOST important one. It's like they got into the dome and were overwhelmed and freaked out and forgot how to play.
SAD.
Awww. Bummer!
Still, very cool they got to go!
Sorry guys, I'm having a rough time right now. It's most likely a combination of the cold (yes, I know, it's not that cold compared to other parts of the country but it's been crazy cold for here), I'm coming down with something (chest congestion and coughing), still dealing with grief and feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah, it's not a pretty picture in my head right now.
I've started to insulate myself from everyone and everything. It's not healthy but I'm finding it impossible not to. Went to church Sunday and avoided everyone I know. Made sure to get there 2 minutes late so there would be no seating anywhere but the balcony where no one I know sits. Avoided my family after church. Skirted out the door as fast as I could while avoiding eye contact. Normally I would have called a friend to see if they wanted to get together to watch a movie or something this weekend sometime. Nope. Didn't do it. I don't sleep much. I go to work, work late most nights, and then come home to make something for dinner and then plop on the couch for the remainder of the night without moving.
Today my cousin sent me a text to ask if I was going to Florida on the 27th. Soon after mom died she had told me that she and her daughter were going to have to go to Ft. Walton for a basketball tournament the week between Christmas and New Year's. Our cousin lives down there so we could visit with her too. I had realized when she was talking about it originally I had just jumped in and invited myself along without thinking about it. How rude! I was so embarrassed that I had done that and I never mentioned it again. Also, I had sent my cousin in Florida a cute little mooning elf text at Thanksgiving and she responded that she was offended (OMG!) and that embarrassed me horribly too. I don't think I could face her after that. I feel I'm in the way anyway so best if I just cocoon here that week. Heck, maybe I'll give up my vacation time and just work that week.
UGH...see what I mean? Bad, bad, bad time right now.
Cocooning is normal after all you've been through. It's not something that you want to get stuck in and have last forever, but it sounds like you just need to pull back in a little and regroup.
Maybe set a date for a week or two from now, something you can commit to that is fun. Promise yourself that you will go do it.
Then give yourself permission to hibernate for a little while. Take a bubble bath. A nap. Just some self-care, even if that means zoning in front of the tv and not thinking about anything for a bit.
Mischa, your cousin overreacted about the mooning elf. Mooning elves are FUNNY!!!
It's normal to go through periods of wanting zero contact with outsiders and isolating yourself, as long as it doesn't become a pattern. So last weekend you had a down/sad time... maket his weekend fun. Do something you've been putting off. Get your nails done! Go see a movie, friend, stay home and cook a new meal
Let yourself mourn your Mom. It takes time even when you see it coming. To this day I still miss my grandmother terribly and it has been 13 years. I didn't feel as if I got to mourn properly. Everyone didn't understand why I didn't just get over it.(Mostly ex's family). With my Mom it just seemed to hurt her more to talk about her. I would go to her grave and talk to her quite often in the beginning. I go sometimes now when I want to be conforted.
Let people help you and take the time off if you have it. You need to not keep being bombarded by other people right now.
love ya. hugs, kat
Mish do what feels right to take care of you. Just make sure your hibernation is temporary...hugs.
Do what you need to do for you
(((Mishka)))
Don't apologize sweetie.
It's okay to hibernate for a little while. Give yourself some time for yourself to just be lazy, to be alone. It's normal to not want to deal with people and stuff for a little while. Just give yourself a week to do that, and then make sure you get out after that.
I vote you still take the time off, even if you just spend it at your house.
I think your cousin overreacted to the elf as well, but just say sorry, I thought it was funny, I'll be sure not to pass along anything like this in the future. End of story. At least she told you she was offended so it's out in the open, and that should be the end of it. Might be worth it to go see her and make some good memories if you're up to it.
As for your cousin who's going to FL, it doesn't sound like she was at all put off by you "inviting yourself along". So go if you want!
Most of all, just be patient with yourself. Your mom just died, it's not like everything is fine and you have to be full of energy and cheer all the time.
(((Michelle)))
Things are going ok. Not great, but plugging along.
I've had a nasty cough and a froggy voice all week and my clients are a little tired of hearing me. Other than that, I'm ok. Just some congestion left. Getting better though.
Since I've been sick I haven't been very touchy-feely, lovey-dovey. I can see it's starting to irritate Gabe. How do you manage to be sexy while you are hacking up a lung???? UGH. Oh well, that is his issue, not mine right?
I've made 17 pounds of fudge so far with 6 pounds to go. That sounds like a crazy amount but really it's only a total of 8 batches. They just weigh a lot. I made 4 different kinds this year and ditched the cookies entirely. Fudge is SO much easier. I'm sure they will love it.
I talked to my cousin today about my embarrassment from inviting myself along on her trip to Florida. She said she was planning on me coming and couldn't imagine going without me. I told her I'd have to take Marc since he really can't be alone all day and evening for several days. I'm sure he'll stay to himself anyway. He loves to just sit and watch TV all day. It will be too cold in the panhandle for the pool or the beach.
One last concern......
I bought Gabe a Christmas present just before Thanksgiving. It's been nestled in my closet ever since. Now I'm starting to question if I should give it to him. I know he hasn't gotten anything for me and I'm relatively certain he won't. I wouldn't want him to feel bad for not having a gift to give in return. I just got it for him because it was something he had said a while back that he really wanted. What do you guys think? I just want to avoid awkwardness if at all possible. FYI - one part of his gift won't keep for long so I would have to give it to him now or just trash it.
I'm pretty sure he will get you a present Mishka, and if he doesn't then he should feel guilty for not doing so. Don't worry about his feelings, worry about your own.
P.S - can I have some fudge??
This year I got presents for the people I wanted to buy for. Not sure if they will all reciprocate, but so be it! You got him something because you wanted to, so give it to him because you want to. How do you know whether he got you anything, anyway??
Do any of us give only in order to recieve? I hope not, though it has taken a while to get there. It just feels so good to give. I hope at one point to be able to be in line at the grocery store and surprise someone by paying for their groceries. Maybe it sounds silly but I want to do it. Today at lunch, I am paying for the person behind me....Merry Christmas!!
off the soap box. Give it to him.
hugs, kat
Follow your heart and disengage your brain.. you bought him a gift because you wanted to, give it to him with that sentiment and not a nervous I-hope-you-got-me-something-too-or-arent embarressed.. in other words, just give it with love and a smile.
I gave H a couple of little presents I knew he'd love even when he was with Helen!!! Although I did have to post them ;-)
And you got to stop jumping to negative conclusions Mish! Look at your cousins response..."She said she was planning on me coming and couldn't imagine going without me", thats pretty conclusive! You're like me, you worry too much
Happy Christmas and heres to a better year next year hey xxx
I don't give to receive, I just know him and wouldn't want him to get a complex about it. I got it because he had said a few months ago that he wanted one. It's a pipe and some very nice tobacco. So, I'll give it to him and if he feels guilty or strange about it then so be it. It will make me feel good to give him something he wanted.
Julia, if I thought the fudge would mail well then I would certainly send it to you!!!!
Kat, that is such a wonderful thing to do. I got in the drive-thru line at a Starbucks last year and the front car paid for the next and it ended up continuing all the way through the line. It was so neat and someone from the store called the local paper and it ended up being one of the local feel-good stories of the season. It's such fun!!!!
Thanks Ali!!! Let's hope we all have a better year next year! This one has been pretty rough on most of the people I know and love.
Why in the world do you think Gabe won't get you something????????
Thought it was right on that you said that about this past year. One horoscope I read said this year would be a transitional one. Well it certainly has been! Cheers to 2011!!
kat
PS, I did the lunch thing. I don't think he passed it on since he had a really small bill. Oh well, it is the thought that counts.
kat
That's awesome kat! I'm actually on my way to Target after work to pick up a GPS for my cousin. I found some free money on a gift card I get at work and they have a nice one on sale. She has been asking for one from her family for the last 2 years and they never have taken the hint. Hint, heck! She flat out tells them to get her one and they don't. Their financial situation has been super ugly though so it's not like they are just ignoring her. I plan to wrap it and just slip it under her tree on Christmas eve during the big family gathering so no one notices. It will just say 'from Santa'.
OT - Why do I think he won't get anything? Let's just say that Gabe's middle name should have been Grinch or Scrooge. He hates Christmas and only out of obligation does he get gifts for his mom and Marc. I can tell you of only one time in the 15 years we were married that he actually got me a gift that he thought of all by himself and seemed excited to give me. It was Christmas of 1999 and he gave me a diamond heart pendant and tiny diamond studs. It's not the carats that count, it was that he picked them out, he surprised me with them and he did it in a sweet way while we were alone, sitting in bed on Christmas eve. I will never forget that and I wore that necklace every day until he walked out. I couldn't bear to wear it after that because it was so special to me. I continue to wear the earrings every day as my second pair.
His history just tells me that unless he asks me what I want and I get very specific with him, then he's not getting anything. That is ok with me really. I just want him to enjoy what I got for him and not feel weird about it.
Give it to him!
I love the plan for your cousin. That's so wonderful.
You are such an amazing person! (((Michelle)))
Ok, I've been sitting in my living room for 3 hours now with my tree lit, drinking the entire pot of coffee and crying nonstop. This royally [censored]. It's too quiet, Marc is still in bed (it's noon now!), the dog doesn't even want to sit with me. I just want to go back to bed and forget it today.
What happened? Big hugs, I know it will be ok. You can call me you know. I am here.
love, ya kat
Nothing in particular happened, just emotional in the extreme yesterday. I ended up going to bed until Gabe got back from work. I gave him his present, he got all weird and uncomfortable and said he felt guilty because he hadn't gotten me anything. He also didn't seem to like it much and I had specifically gotten it over a month ago for him because he had mentioned how much he would like to try a pipe. I also bought him some Ferrero Roche because he saw a commercial and mentioned how much he like that. I knew he hadn't gotten me anything and I had already already prepared my answer to that. I told him that the best present was his presence. He just looked at me funny and went on with the evening. Whatever.
After that I had another meltdown right in front of him. How embarrassing. Of all things it was over missing heavy whipping cream. Seriously. I couldn't find it, I knew I had bought it and I needed it to make the sauce for the seafood lasagna. Well, it was nowhere to be found and I started crying and couldn't stop. I think it was just a culmination of all of the sadness from the rest of the day. I spent all morning alone on my couch staring at mom's urn on the mantle, Gabe was acting in a very familiarly strange way (pre-bomb in some ways) and then I couldn't even make the Christmas dinner I had planned. It just got really ugly. Gabe tried to calm me down and make light of it and I kept saying I knew it wasn't worth getting so upset over but it really wasn't the missing cream that was the issue, it was everything else. I calmed down and found a fix on the internet for replacing heavy cream and made dinner.
After that we stood outside and watched it snow. It is the first time in over 100 years that it snowed in Georgia on Christmas. It somehow seemed more magical. Gabe stood there smoking his pipe and then said he really was enjoying it and thanked me for it. I said I was glad especially since he didn't seem to care for it when he opened it. He said he was surprised because it was something he wouldn't have ever done for himself. Um, DUH....that's the point. He is forever telling me that no one listens to him or pays any attention but obviously I do since I got him two things based on what he said he liked. Gees! Who is the one that doesn't listen?
I just don't know what to do. I just feel like this is so one sided and he's only here because he doesn't have another option. I feel like I'm hurting myself because I feel WAY TOO MUCH for him and he feels nothing. It really hurts and I'm getting so tired of being so on guard all the time. It is exhausting.
I'm heading to Florida tomorrow morning for a few days. Maybe I can get my head straight while I'm there. Of course I haven't been able to get in straight in 3 years so I'm not so sure a few days there is going to do it!!! LOL
Awww sweetie. (((Michelle)))
It's funny how the little things push us over the edge sometimes.
Glad everything worked out okay.
Amazing about the snow! That is very magical. Glad he liked his pipe.
Sounds like he was embarrassed/guilty that he didn't get you anything. I know you said he doesn't usually, but the fact that you surprised him was great.
I understand why you feel the R is one-sided. But you don't know that it is. You are making a lot of assumptions. He has other options, he is choosing to be with you and Marc.
Have a good time in Florida. Try and relax and not dwell on it too much.
You have made amazing strides in the last three years. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just keep moving forward.
(((Mishka)))
Hang in there Mish!!
Holidays is when everything comes out:frustrations, disappointments, fear, confusion. It seems we are feeling we are supposed to be happy in a specific way and when we dont have "that", the world is crumbling down on us. Or that's my feeling at least...
Men and presents are weird. Some just love to give, others dont have it in their brain wiring.
When I let myself sink, there is no "bottom". I have to stop myself cause the hole is too damn deep. Take care of you. Enjoy little things and get your mind off of Gabe a little bit.
Enjoy your trip sweets...
M
Hope you are having a great trip! Sorry you were let down at Christmas. Keep in mind that when Gabe acts weird, it is almost certainly because he feels bad about his own actions, so try not to personalize it. If he feels bad, it is about HIM, not about you.
What are your New Year's Resolutions? How about:
1) Live authentically. Stop being on your guard. Simply be yourself.
2) Stop making choices that hurt you.
3) Stop assuming you have perfect insight into what Gabe wants or feels. You don't.
5) Continue to own your choices.
6) Get back on the Wii.
You can never have a good relationship with anyone if YOU aren't who you want to be in the relationship.
Happy New Year to everyone. It's 1.5 hours until midnight here. Marc is in his room playing Wii (since the new TV is still blown out and they haven't set up a time to come fix it yet - I have to wait until after the 8th to call them again). I'm in my room watching a football game and vegetating. Oh what a lovely NYE.
Gabe is on his way back from work. I took dinner to him at the store and he looked positively depressed and talked like he was super sad. He just called to ask if I needed anything from the store before he came back and he still sounded like he was in the dumps. Oh joy. I'm having a hard enough time without having to try to be 'up' and all happy happy for him. I don't want to. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. How dumb.
There are so many thoughts in my head. I try to not think about why he acts the way he does, what it is he wants out of me, what is going on and where this is going. Obviously I'm not very successful.
I'm looking at your list OT and I honestly don't know how to do any of that.
1) Live authentically? How? I'm terrified to let my guard down. I can't be myself, that is the person that gets dumped on and and discarded.
2)Stop making choices that hurt me? I've stopped making choices because they are all wrong because they all hurt. I now just let things happen as then will and deal with the aftermath. It's not good, but it keeps me from beating myself up for bad choices.
3) I know I don't have perfect insight into what Gabe wants. I have NO insight into what he wants. I only have an idea based on his history with me. That's enough. He's not a complex person.
4)Again.....I make no choices.
5)Can't get on the Wii until I have a TV in my living room that works.
Snap out of it hon!! S18 has friends over so a mini party. I bought pop it's and silly string for midnight. Make your own party!! Time to put the focus on you again. Worrying about what Gabe may or may not be thinking ISA waste of energy. If you want a definition for your relationship, at some point you will need to ask for one.
Have a happy New Year!
Hugs, kat
(((Mish))) if it is any consolation about New Year, I asked Lisa what she was doing and she said 'getting an early night like every year' which is what I would be doing if I was at home. New Year has such high expectations and is always frankly cr@p!
I feel like, since my life was turned upside down when exh left, I am not quite sure who 'me' is, I don't know how to live authentically because I made many decisions that had bad repercussions that I lost faith in my ability to make decisions.
I often feel anxious mostly, I find myself spiralling into anxiety and familiar feelings wash over me. It kind of spoke to me when I read your post that you seem to be doing the same thing - correct me if I am wrong!
I really feel like you need to take the focus off Gabe and back onto you. Have you ever tried CBT? If I was at home it would be something I would try. Instead I picked up a pretty good book with a CD. It was kind of a hypnosis thing all about confidence and it was really good. But mostly I have been working on relinquishing trying to control things and putting so much pressure on myself. Have faith in Gabe's intentions in the relationship. I know you feel confusion over this but I really think you need to work out exactly what you need from him. I think I asked you that before.
The fact that he is still there, he stayed there through the hard times with your Mum to me says a lot. What do you need to see or hear from him to feel secure?
Shall I give you an example of some of the questions I asked myself?
What do I need in my relationship?
*to feel cared for*
What would that look like?
- To receive a hug or kiss hello
- To receive reassuring hugs or looks in social situations.
- To receive phone calls and/ or texts if we are apart.
- for him to suggest spending time together.
- to laugh together.
If those things happened I would no longer feel...
- ignored
- an imposition on his life
- like everything/ veryone else is more important
- that I have to exhaust myself trying to mind read and fix the situation.
That was just my mind map but it highlighted a couple of really important things for me. Firstly, that I don't actually have that many demands and all of them are achievable and specific and a man would find them easy to do rather than a vague, you aren't paying me enough attention. Secondly, that I really needed to work on my self-confidence.
Anyway, I don't know if that is any help at all but I really hope it is. Turn the focus back on you Mishka, Gabe can look after himself and he will make his own decisions. You can only control your actions and your happiness.
(((Mishka)))
I feel like, since my life was turned upside down when exh left, I am not quite sure who 'me' is, I don't know how to live authentically because I made many decisions that had bad repercussions that I lost faith in my ability to make decisions.
I often feel anxious mostly, I find myself spiralling into anxiety and familiar feelings wash over me. It kind of spoke to me when I read your post that you seem to be doing the same thing - correct me if I am wrong!
You are exactly right Julia. Combine that with little to no self-worth (I'm still working hard at it...don't slam me!!!) and it's the perfect storm.
I started writing in a journal again to just get all my frustrations and fears out so I don't put them here and sound like a total basket case. I'm hoping it will help me work through some of it and put it away.
I started writing in a journal again to just get all my frustrations and fears out so I don't put them here and sound like a total basket case. I'm hoping it will help me work through some of it and put it away.
It's a win/win when you share your frustrations and fears; it helps you gain some clarity when you express your pain and you have the insight of so many others as well when they share their wisdom. It's also helpful to the rest of us who can relate to those 'basket case' moments/days.
Cas
I still come on here occasionally when I slip - and get a welcome "what are you DOING?!" from OT and friends
I'm still in your corner, Mish...
Combine that with little to no self-worth
I think the fact of you feeling this is stemming from Gabe, and you knowing or "feeling" that he is there only because he has no other place to go to. And he is there "until something" comes along or someone comes alone to "rescue him"....
It's okay to post whatever on here. We get on your case because we hate to see you hurting, not because you don't have a reason to.
Do whatever helps you. Just be authentic enough with yourself to know what is pushing you to be better, and what is hurting your progress.
And remember, lova ya no matter what. (((mishka)))
Have you ever considered how hard/confusing/unclear it is for Gabe to be in an R with someone who hides her feelings, pretends to be someone she's not, doesnt trust her own judgement or decisions, acts like all is fine but gives off wierd vibes and then later either cries or has a meltdown???
Just wondering Mish how you and Gabe are even managing to function as a couple with the way you describe how YOU feel and how unsure in yourself you are. Neverlone his wierdness!
I think its pretty selfish of anyone to not buy their loved one at least one gift at Christmas.. but then Christmas is a big deal in the UK (we dont call it "happy holidays", or have Thanksgiving, its just Christmas afterall). Seriously, does this not hurt or p*ss you off?? Like OT says, if he acts wierd, its because HE feels bad/guilty whatever and feels that he is letting you down all the time. Men hate to feel inadequate and like they are failing, right. DB 101.
I wish there was some way to wave a magic wand and make you be able to rise up and live your life without regrets. It still early days you know, you only just lost your Mum, thats HUGE. Have you spoken to Gabe about your feelings of loss??
Love and hugs to you
xxx
We are covered in snow and ice down here. Getting to work this morning was treacherous. This is the south and we can't deal with this stuff!! UGH! A 10 minute drive took me 40 minutes or sheer terror!
I'm not looking forward to the drive home in the dark. They said the ice will keep getting thicker as the days goes along. Of course, work is a total mess because every darned flight from Atlanta was canceled or preemptively canceled for tomorrow. WHAT A MESS!
Stay safe. Drive slow. We are used to the stuff but it still took 30 minutes to get to work because the streets weren't plowed yet. It is still snowing. I am hoping with crossed fingers that we close early but it isn't my call.
Hope it gets better for you.
kat
Nicely sidestepped
Sounds awful, but then in the UK, when we get 2 inches of snow, the whole road and rail network shuts down!! Stay warm.
xx
Well here, if we think it might snow, we all stop to look!
Actually it often snow on the mountains, just ten miles away!
I remember going to visit Ft Benning when XH was there. It had snowed in and around Atlanta and everyone was freaking out. I thought it was hysterical.
I made it to work and back yesterday. They let us go a couple of hours early yesterday but not today. It was actually worse today because the ice was thicker. Nearly wrecked twice on my way in. I'm off in two hours but thankfully the temps have gone up a few degrees so some of the ice seems to be melting a little.
It always looks like armagedon is occuring when we get a snowflake let alone something this bad that actually shut down highways and interstates. I made the mistake of going to walmart Saturday morning with the rest of my darned city apparently! I was in line 45 minutes to get out of there!!! YUCK!
On the TV saga, I may have found a way to get Target to take it back. Fingers crossed!!!!!!
Now, because I am electronically cursed, my laptop hard drive died last night. So much fun!!! My desktop has 'thermal events' all the time so won't work more than a few minutes. The fan works. No one can figure out why unless I pay more than the thing is worth to have it fixed.
CRAZY!!!
I will keep my fingers crossed for you on the driving (and the TV of course). Do you have chains?
As for your desktop, the heat sink on the processor might be dry. (I think desktops use a heat sink like laptops do) It's filled with this special goo that conducts heat away from the processor. It has to be replenished every few years. Has that been checked?
I guess the good news is that hard drives are getting cheaper every day. Sorry that you are being bombarded with stress right now though!
I haven't ever heard of goo in my desktop. Hmmm....I'll have to ask someone about that. Is it something I would have to get a professional to do or is it as easy as expanding the memory? That was super easy.
Well, the laptop is a goner. It would be over $300 to fix it. Not worth that. I'm just going to have to get a new one. At least those are getting cheaper by the day too. I actually think I already found a good deal on one that has everything I need for $429. It's going to be a little bit of a stretch but I have just enough in savings to cover it. Who needs a vacation anyway? LOL Oh well....I tried.
Taking Gabe with me Saturday morning to try to return the TV. I can't take it by myself and Marc can't be relied on to keep a good enough hold on it getting it into the store.
On another note....my best friend's dad is having a kidney transplant today! A friend that we went to high school with is giving him hers. Her parents are best friends with my best friend's parents and she happened to match on every point! It's a miracle. He was going to have to start dialysis within 6 months if he didn't get a transplant. The doctor had open space this week for the surgeries so they are in the middle of it right now. Prayer for their recovery would be appreciated!
Love you all!!!!!!
It's super easy really. It would help to know the maker of the desktop and such, but you can google it and the basics don't change much.
Basically, buy heat sink compound (I've also heard it called thermal paste). Then pull the cover off and find the heat sink. Take it off, clean everything up, apply a TINY amount (literally like a dollup the size of a split pea (just enough to make contact when you put stuff back together), reattach it and make sure it has a good bond. Then try booting up the computer. If it works, put the cover back on the desktop and you should be set for a while.
It's amazing how cheap technology gets. I was browsing for an SD card. Micro SD cards are basically the same price. And they now have a 32GB SD/microSD card available! I bought an 8GB for less than $12. Crazy!
Stupid edit button....
Oh and about your friend's dad...that is totally AWESOME! Hope everything goes well!
(((Mishka))) Love you too!
My friend's dad is doing very well with his transplant so far. He should be released from the hospital tomorrow. The donor was released the day after the surgery! That amazes me to no end!!
On another happy note, I got Target to take the TV back and give me my money. Of course, there are no TV's of that size for that kind of deal now and the picture on my old TV (that I had thankfully kept!) is fuzzing and rolling. It makes me naseous to try to watch anything.
I'm going to have to replace it very soon. Shopping around.
On a bummer note, my laptop is fixable but it will cost nearly as much to fix it as it will to buy a new one! That is just crazy isn't it?
Marc and I had a total blast at the Packers vs. Falcons game Saturday night. He wasn't too thrilled with the outcome (my Packers thrashed his Falcons 48-21) but he did have a great time anyway. When he saw that the Packers were goin to play the Bears for the first time in 70 years for the championship he wanted to know if we could go to Chicago for the game. I haven't laughed that hard in YEARS! I played along for a few minutes and said, oh sure....we'll go! Let's see....Chicago is a solid 10 hour drive, airfare with less than 7 days notice is a fortune, and tickets in the upper deck of the endzone are starting at $500 apiece. SURE! Let's go! LOL
So many things have gotten so cheap they're just throw-aways now. Crazy.
Why wouldn't Target do an exchange???
Kids are so impractical sometimes LOL. Too funny!
But you have to love his enthusiasm!!
kat
Target couldn't do an exchange because they do not carry that TV or any other Apex product anymore. They took a HUGE hit on that one! Apparently nearly every one of those TV's have been returned defective. Lovely.
Anyway, I found a great deal yesterday on the same size Toshiba with even better specs. It ended up being about $120 higher than what I had originally paid for the other one. Not bad! It was a floor sample that they had literally just taken from the box (the box was still sitting there on the floor next to it and they hadn't even hooked up the cable to it yet!). I had them hook it up so I could check the pixels...perfect! Had them rebox it and load it in the car right then and there! LOL.
Now I just have to replace my laptop. UGH! I did find a good one but I have to order it. None of the Best Buy's in the Atlanta area have that particular model in the store. Bigger hard drive than the in store models have at that price.
Marc really was funny about wanting to go to the game. He now has a greater appreciation for what people are willing to do to go see their teams. LOL!
Glad to hear that your TV woes are over. Sporting events can cost some really crazy amounts. I try to go to at least one KU game a year since I was first able to get via ebay about 5 years ago. Now that we are in conference play, I may just have to settle for the Big 12 tournament, which I think is in KC this year.
kat
Aaaaah. Cool about finding the Toshiba. And nice bargain hunting all around!!!
Sounds like a fun experience for him all around. It's great to see him growing!
Are you feeling better today? I know last night it sounded as if you got progressivly worse. Maybe next time you won't have a drunk chicken to dinner.
kat
I'm actually home sick today. Just got my new computer and it's all set up and ready to go so I'm typing this to you on it right now! It's so fast!!!!
Still aching all over and miserable......sigh.
Good news about the laptop.
Bad news that you are still sick. get lots of rest. Let Marc and Gabe take care of you.
hugs, kat
Cool about the laptop! Hope you feel better soon!
Still icky but the fever has broken thankfully.
I keep falling asleep and having bad dreams. Hate that! I won't go into it, but a couple of them seemed so real that they stuck with me. UGH!
I have been letting Gabe take care of me. He brought me chicken noodle soup for lunch and that was perfect.
I'm going to have to catch up with everyone as soon as I can. It's just difficult to read through everything with this headache.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
Glad your fever broke. Super cool about Gabe bringing you soup and taking care of you.
I have been having bad dreams as well. They really just throw your whole day off don't they?
So sorry you are sick hon! I have been home with Nathan and Sydney 3 out of 4 days this week.
Feel better! And yay for the laptop. Now that I have my laptop and wifi so I can sit on my couch and post, I never use my old pc in the basement...
Still sick. YUCK!
Yeah, I've never like using a desktop. It seems too much like work.
With this new laptop I don't have to have it plugged in like I did my old one. The battery in that one didn't hold a charge more than 10 minutes. Love it!
Gabe is still being very kind and taking care of me. He did all the laundry too!!!! HOLY COW!!!
Yay for Gabe doing the laundry!!! Hope you feel better...Sydney is on day 6 of being sick and it is getting old... Are you drinking fluids? And don't you wish margaritas or wine counted as fluids?
They don't??
Hey! They're like 80% water....just cuz there's other crap in there that dehydrates you doesn't take away from the fact that they're fluids and they make you pee!
Whiskey and honey with lemon. That's fluid and a remedy, right? My Grandpa's remedy anyway. Darn. I don't have any whiskey.
The fever has stayed down for about 4 hours now so I think the worst is over. Still can't stay awake very long and all my joints feel like they are severely inflamed. Other than that, I'm just fine. LOL
Hah, see I can get you on here too
I'm stalking you lol
You take care of yourself!
That's definitely a remedy. Too bad you are out of whisky.
Not as tasty, but about 6 oz or warm water with red wine vinegar, lemon, and honey is what I use. Got the recipe from my friend's mom and it does seem to really help.
Hope you are feeling better every day. Glad your fever seems broke. (((MIshka))))
I will never try whiskey as a cure again...did that once and led to a surprise over night stay!!
Hope you are able to enjoy your weekend and aren't too worn out...I swear sometimes the longer I spend lying down the more tired I feel! Hopefully you can surf the web on your laptop to keep from going stir crazy. And of course sleep is always good...
Oh do tell!!!! What is this surprise overnight stay????????
I'm doing a little better today. Still sore but the fever has stayed down. I called the nurse hotline for Marc's insurance and played like he was the one who had this. She said there is a virulent virus going around and the only help for it is rest and lots of fluids. That's it. So that's what I'm doing. REST!!! UGH! I'm so tired of it.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Rest is key, Mish! My D finally got over the flu after 7 days of having a fever. Last night she wound up sleeping 14 hours, just catching up I guess! Try to relax...I am sure you are sick of hearing that!
Well the third time I saw HG was early December when I was sick w/sore throat. I spent the day shopping and was alone so never tried talking. I got to his house that night to watch football highlights and realized my throat didn't hurt but I had no voice! Crap! So HG offered me a glass of water and said he had tried a little whiskey in the past for a bad throat....so along w/glass of water I sipped roughly a shot of whiskey. I refilled my big water glass six times and each time helped myself to a little more whiskey...
So shortly after that I was looking at the tv and realized I was seeing two coaches where there should only be one...
HG says, "You don't look so good!" I was so very mortified...I am not a big drinker and I had sucked down cold medicine all day so I would feel better by the time I went to see HG.
He was really sweet, he walked me up to his guest room and gave me some of his clothes to sleep in. I did not change though, I was so ill I couldn't make the effort! The next morning he took me out for breakfast and we've been out three times since then so I guess it didn't bother him!
My son is down with the flu right now. Maybe it is that H1N1 virus, it's all over Europe again.
Rest mish, watch movies, read books, do masks, wax etc etc.
Love
M
I'm better. Went to work today and slugged my way through. I'm worn out now and I can hardly keep my eyes open.
This is a killer!
I have to be totally better before Sunday though.......SUPERBOWL BABY!!! And to make it that much sweeter....My Packers are in. Not much more could make me happier than that. LOL
Wow BBJ! That was some whiskey story. Love it!
Maria, they haven't been talking about H1N1 here yet this year but give them time and I'm sure it will be topping the news. We love nothing more than to blow a story out of proportion.
Probably a self-fulling prophecy but I figure if Gabe didn't bother to get me a Christmas present, he's certainly doing nothing for V-Day. You would have to care for someone to do that right? UGH. Not feeling very good about this whole pseudo relationship we've got going on. There are advantages though but feeling like I mean exactly squat to him really has me doubting my value in every way.
I'm not really sure what to do now. I like being with him but I foresee a lot of longing for something more in my future and knowing it won't be fulfilled. I hate being alone, absolutely hate it, but I almost think it would be better than feeling like I'm being too vulnerable to someone who has the ability to tear me to shreds with his indifference.
I know, I promised not to come on here and whine. I've made my bed and I must lie in it. Easier said that done though.
Sweetie, this place is all about the whine. And the wine.
You got him nice stuff for Christmas, so even if he gets you something for V-day it just makes you even. So do whatever you want to do about presents.
But quit assuming cuz he hasn't gotten you presents means he doesn't care. You said yourself he's not much of a gift giver, never really has been.
But if gifts are important to you, then you need to bring it up to him in a non-threatening way. You need to ask for what you want. Gifts? Flowers? Hand holding? More conversation? What would be one/two things that would really make you feel better about the whole situation?
His actions are showing he is "there." Taking care of you when you were sick, being there for you and Marc from what you've said. Has he said or done something in particular that makes you concerned about the future of your R?
Everyone shows their care differently. And everyone feels cared for differently. That's the whole point of the five love languages and such. It could just be that you two are hitting two completely different languages, and not that anything is truly lacking.
I also think he is getting complacent with the whole thing. You haven't really asked for anything from him because of your fear that he would leave again. But at some point you need to face that and ask for what you need whether it's an apology, an ILY, more gifts, flowers, whatever it is.
Maybe your deepest fears are right. Maybe he really would rather leave again than swallow his pride and guilt and apologize or admit out loud he wants to be with you. But you know you can make it on your own. You KNOW you can because you've done it. So it's not the end of the world.
So at some point, you need to chase your dreams. Ask for a R that would be more fulfilling to you. Make changes to pursue that.
But first, take care of yourself. Get some sleep. Rest up for Sunday!!!
I agree with Michelle. Tell him what you want and need. He wouldn't have helped with your Mom and helped you now if he wasn't there to some degree. Men don't like to define but women crave it. There has to be a happy medium.
Kat
Ok, so I hear what you all are saying. Basically, grow a pair and speak up or suck it up, right?
Yeah, I know. Can't do it. I don't have the courage to speak up for what I want because the negative answer that inevitably comes breaks me. It's why I no longer ask anyone for help with anything. It's why I take on every task until I'm buried in them. It's why my life is not really my own.
All issues I don't have the skills or the fortitude to deal with.
C'est la vie
Don't settle for that Mish. Create the life you want. Maybe Gabe really doesn't know what you want but I will tell you this, if you continue to give him no credit and tell yourself that he will leave, you have him half way out the door. Don't try to fulfill this negative prophesy.
Hope you are feeling better. Hugs, kat
I agree, do not settle. Gabe is the same person, you are the same person. When you continue reproducing unhealhty patterns you will get the same result. You can only change yourself. Start from there. To me, it seems you are still "hiding" too much. What you avoid facing, will bite you in the a$$ eventually. You are too young to spend the rest of your life feeling you lack love and affection.
Gabe is there and he maybe doing the best he knows how, let him in a bit, guide him, hold him accountable.
L
Maria
The answer that comes is the answer that comes. It's how you handle it that makes it positive or negative. Just because you don't get the exact answer you want right then doesn't mean the conversation wasn't successful. Just look at the times Gabe has surprised you since he came back. The conversations you've had where you were convinced he was going to bail.
Plus, avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away. Avoiding the potential conflict only postpones the inevitable confrontation. And makes it more likely it will come out negatively because in the meanwhile you have built up resentment. The earlier and more calmly you deal with the issue the more likely you are to get a positive outcome!
You DO have the skills to deal with it. You've spent years on here and in counseling to learn how to deal with it. You don't give yourself enough credit.
Being sick has you worn down and you are not in a good strong place right now I think. I think that you are letting it overwhelm you. But in a few days you will bounce back and you can fight your way towards some optimism.
Give yourself some credit. You are not the person you were 5 or 10 years ago, so there is no reason to act like you are! If anything, you have a lot of reasons to act like you aren't even if it is uncomfortable. First, you. Second, setting a good example for Marc. Third, YOU!!!!!!!!!
You can do whatever you put your mind to. Stop with the negative self-talk. Stop sabotaging your own progress!
((((((Mishka))))))
(((((Mishka)))))
We all know that you can do it, we have all seen you grow over the past couple of years. Now you have to decide to believe in yourself!
I'd type what everyone else has, but you already know it. We are all behind you!
I was thinking about you yesterday... I think you should 'reverse engineer' this sitch/R. You know how BEFORE someone leaves, a WAS, or H with an A, they go all distant and you fear they are having an A, or may leave etc...
and what does DBing advise? Find yourself. GAL. Get a new hairdo/clothes, make them notice and wonder about you again - non verbal communication etc.
What can you do to break this stalemate/rut? What can yuo do to make Gabe sit up, take notice and realise what he HAS?
- Start wearing your/a new perfume to the shops/work without
mentioning it.
- Cut and colour your hair, or grow it long, wear it in a new style
- Go out once a week without him.. and not to bible study, thats not going to make him jealous or wonder about you!
- You were talking before about weight loss/fitness etc.. are you still doing that? How about really trying to if you havent lately?
- Switch the tele off and start listenig to music, dance round the room now and then
- Laugh more, worry/frown less
- Arrange some fun night out with your girlfriends
- arrange a 'date night' with Gabe?
Dont do as he does Mish.. do as you want to do, regardless of his reaction.
Just brainstorming here hun
Oooh! Those are brilliant Ali! You have inspired me to order a bottle of my fav perfume!
You are absolutely right! Dang it! This is my darned life and I can live it however I want no matter what he does or says!!! CRUD! That flu really dragged me into the gutter didn't it?
Yes, I have slipped into some ruts again. Got comfortable with the situation and have been accepting it for what it is. Well, it's not acceptable! Either he treats me like a woman he wants to have a R with or he's going to have to hit the road. I'm tired of feeling like the old dog he threw out and begging for scraps.
I have been able to start exercising again (my foot is so much better) and I've been seriously monitoring everything I eat through weight watchers and a buddy system. I haven't lost much yet but every pound counts!
I just bought new perfume and lotion. Totally different scent for me.
I need to have my hair cut and colored. Just waiting for the funds to have it done properly. Getting there.
As far as going out with friends, I'm working on that for this weekend. We were talking karaoke on Saturday night if one of them gets back from her side job early enough. We'll see. I'll work harder on that one.
I've been trying to schedule 'date night' with him for months now but he works 7 days a week always until 11pm. I've asked him to take one Friday or Saturday night off per month if he can so we can do things together. He hasn't done it yet so that just goes to show you where on his priority list I am. It stinks!
Confidence is a huge problem for me, as you all know. It's a super big struggle that overwhelms me and I give up on the whole idea.
Thank you all so much for talking me down from it. I really do need to have a talk with Gabe about all of this, there just never seems to be a good time.
I would let Gabe know that it is important for you that he take that one night off and why. Some guys might just see the whole situation as we need the money and not see the value of taking the time away from work.
I told myself when I get married again I am going to really work on communication. It isn't that we didn't talk but things that obviously didn't get said or (get the point here Mish)he thought he already knew my reactions or answer, so he didn't bother to bring it up. Sounds familiar huh? Ex was basing his thought to what I might say off of something I might have said previously. Well people do grow you know. If they didn't what would be the point?
hugs, kat
Inches matter more than pouds in weight loss anyways. As long as you feel like you are making progress and are feeling good, that's all that matters. I'm so glad your foot is feeling better! Try and do a bit of weight-lifting or use those stretchy bands or a medicine ball to add some variety to your routine and give your foot a break some days. Weight-lifting or anything like it is a great metabolism booster, and lean muscle mass burns more calories even when you're not doing anything. (Ironically that's why guys are often more successful at weight loss than women, they hit the weights while we tend to try to start a cardio program)
Glad you are feeling better. It's always so hard when you're sick on top of everything else.
With the date night thing, it might not be that he's really trying to convey that you are a low priority. I'm sure he's working as much as he is to try and provide for you and Marc, that's a very typical male way to try and show care. So asking him to take time off conflicts with his desire to provide for you, even though you are asking for something that would help your R. It's a bit of a rock and a hard place perhaps from his perspective. He may just need to hear how important it is. "Gabe, I really like spending time with you / doing X / whatever. I would really like to have time where the two of us can spend time together without Marc or any other distractions and just have fun, but I appreciate how hard you work too. Can you take just one night off a month?" Or some such.
As for timing these conversations, I'd try for a time when he is the least stressed from work. Maybe after you guys have ML and are both feeling good about the R? Seems to me most guys would be more relaxed / least threatened by a talk after sex lol.
I really do need to have a talk with Gabe about all of this, there just never seems to be a good time.
I'd go with a night after 11:00 pm. Hey, go surprise him one night with a homemade dinner at work for his dinner break! Part of your history with Gabe is that you keep talking/asking and he doesn't respond. So, in good ole DB fashion, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! Just a thought.
Btw, GO PACK!!!!!
Well miracle of all miracles....Gabe took tonight off. I think we are going to take Marc bowling and to dinner or a movie. It's a family outing, no alone time, but at least it's out ad together.
There is no hurry to figure all of this out, but the more days I sit languishing the worse I feel. I get very determined to change my life up and then I have second thoughts about it and get scared and don't do it.
The worst time of day for me is in the morning when I am getting ready for work. I don't like having to look in the mirror so it turns into the self-loathing inner talk for 20 minutes while I dry my hair and put on makeup. Even though I have arguments in my head telling myself I'm being ridiculous, the self-loathing side wins. That is when I cycle down again to being scared and sad. I know what is happening, I just can't seem to find a way to stop it entirely. Positive self-talk is something I've tried to practice but I feel ridiculous and like I'm a total liar to myself! The positive things seem so unreal and sound so stupid that I can't bring myself to even say or write them.
That's really, really sick isn't it? There is no winning that battle. I've worked hard for 3 years on it but no go.
Something I was thinking about this morning though really has me wondering if it's just me or if anyone else has this thought.
Why does anyone put any faith in another person? There is no reason for anyone to be honest or faithful let alone actually stay with someone for life. So, why do we expect that when someone makes a vow they will honor it? We are just setting ourselves up for this pain aren't we?
I know it sounds cynical, I'm just randomly putting this out there for comment. We are all capable of blowing sunshine but I really want the REAL opinion on this, not some happy, happy, joy, joy version of it.
Know what I mean? Nitty Gritty time.
The whole reason I was thinking about this in the first place was because I was contemplating how to approach the subject of this semi-relationship that Gabe and I have going on. There is no definition to it so in my opinion he can just walk whenever he wants without any remorse or guilt feelings. But then again, he did that when we were married for 14 years too so WTH s the difference really? No one is to be trusted or relied upon no matter how committed they may seem. It could possibly all be an act and there is no way to know.
See........all messed up but really think it's a valid point.
You do realize that of course you could up and leave at any time too. What sort of guarnatee does Gabe have that you won't kick him out, or leave yourself?
Before we got married I would say most of us were naive and just knew that this was forever and that divorce could never happen to us as we were so in love. The reality is that you maybe don't really know what hand you have been dealt at least for a few years. Afterall you don't just automatically know how to live with another person. There are two different ways of being brought up being melded and sometimes they don't fit so well. We each have our own personal baggage as well. So it is amazing that we dare to take a chance at all.
It is so easy when your spouse cheats to say that you were the one that has been right all along and not to look at your own faults and weaknesses. Somewhere for some reason, we made mistakes too and maybe we didn't hear what our spouses had been saying. I never condone affairs or abandonment, but I do think we need to not place all the fault of the marriage on the other person.
I have faith in MYSELF that I have faced a lot of my own demons and can make a much better relationship the next time around. I have to boogie to lunch but I hope that helps.
kat
Well miracle of all miracles....Gabe took tonight off. I think we are going to take Marc bowling and to dinner or a movie. It's a family outing, no alone time, but at least it's out ad together.
Hey hey! It's a great start! Proof that he often hears you, but doesn't act right away.
I don't like having to look in the mirror so it turns into the self-loathing inner talk for 20 minutes while I dry my hair and put on makeup. Even though I have arguments in my head telling myself I'm being ridiculous, the self-loathing side wins. That is when I cycle down again to being scared and sad. I know what is happening, I just can't seem to find a way to stop it entirely.
I know you say you can't believe things that are written, but maybe if you don't go to the other extreme with the positive self- talk it'll seem more believable to you? E.g. instead of putting a note on the mirror that says "I am unbelievably beautiful" put something like "Just because I'm not a model doesn't make me worthless". I dunno. Just tyring to brainstorm.
Also, is there a way you can change up that part of your routine? Use a small mirror or just a compact instead of standing in front of the big mirror? Blow dry your hair in another room? Just change it up, try and break out of that bad cycle.
I've worked hard for 3 years on it but no go.
So far. That doesn't mean you can't change it. Just means you haven't completely succeeded YET.
Why does anyone put any faith in another person? There is no reason for anyone to be honest or faithful let alone actually stay with someone for life. So, why do we expect that when someone makes a vow they will honor it? We are just setting ourselves up for this pain aren't we?
Why have you stayed with Gabe your whole adult life and been honest and faithful then??? Yes, there are people out there who will cut and run. Yes, there are people out there who will cheat. Mostly, they are the same people. And a lot of them never learn. But people CAN change.
Why give someone another chance? Cuz you take the same risk with a new person. It's always a risk. But there are people out there who will stay and be faithful. Just look at how long Jeff and hiw XW were living in separate rooms, and he didn't cheat on her, nor did she cheat on him. Proof that it can be done.
Guess that means we all just picked shitty XHs LOL. Seriously though, Gabe was there for you for a LOT of years before all this crap, and now he's back in your life. That does mean something.
It means that when they cheat and/or cut and run they are in a bad place. They are depressed and hopeless and beyond frustrated.
Marriage is just a piece of paper unless you BELIEVE it's more. Unless there is an underlying commitment there. You can have that commitment without the marriage, and you can have the marriage without the commitment. It's all a risk.
It could possibly all be an act and there is no way to know.
Sure there is, their actions. They either bail or they don't.
I really do need to have a talk with Gabe about all of this, there just never seems to be a good time.
Btw, GO PACK!!!!!
Um, you realize I was talking football, right?
WII - There was never any doubt you meant football! GO PACK GO!!!!
Kat - See, that's just it. When Gabe cheated and left I was angry and blaming him. Then, once I started examining myself it shifted from blaming him to blaming myself entirely. I don't entirely blame myself anymore but I'm constantly in panic mode that I'm going to do something wrong and he'll go running again. It's a viscous mess in my head!!!
Michelle - You are such a brainstormer!!!!! I don't write things to stick on my mirror, I have a journal I'm supposed to write positive thoughts in. I can't compliment myself for things or take compliments from others because they seem like lies to me. You are right, I haven't been able to conquer it yet. Who knows, maybe it will just click someday. One can hope, right?
Marriage is just a piece of paper unless you BELIEVE it's more. Unless there is an underlying commitment there. You can have that commitment without the marriage, and you can have the marriage without the commitment. It's all a risk.
You're definitely right on there. You have to BELIEVE and I don't think I believe in forever anymore. I believe in not taking the risk because it's too painful to fail. Nearly dying from heartbreak and pain taught me to be very tentative in my relationships with all other people, not just Gabe. It's a hard lesson to unlearn even if only partially!
Gabe left because he believed he would be better off without you. While things that you had said and done, or not said and done, contributed to that, it doesn't change the fact that HE DECIDED to bail on his family. You didn't make him do it, and it's HIS FAULT. And all the crap that happened afterwards also resulted from his decisions. It's not about placing blame or trying to figure out who started it, it's circular and can't really be separated out easily.
Nearly dying from heartbreak and pain taught me to be very tentative in my relationships with all other people, not just Gabe.
I feel you. I do. I fight with this too. BUT I think the most important lesson here is...you didn't die! You picked yourself up, you made ends meet, you worked on yourself and made a new life for yourself. You made it without him.
And he couldn't make it without you. LOL
Oh, a follow-up thought to your earlier post about Gabe taking the night off. Make sure and thank him for it, communicate how much you appreciate it to him in a way he'll really get. And after bowling and whatever, put Marc to bed and make the rest of the night just for the two of you.
You know, I don't know what is conspiring to drive me crazy, but apparently the universe is having one heck of a laugh at my expense!!!
Ok, first, my horoscope over the last 2 weeks has had a consistent theme. Stop all negative thoughts. Oh really? Gee, I hadn't though of that. Today's was a real doosy though! "Don't fall into the 'destiny' trap, Taurus. Someone may have convinced you - or you may have convinced yourself- that a certain status is your lot in life. Maybe it's your financial situation, your love life, your home life, your career. Whatever it is, though, is only limited by the way you think about it. One of your prominent characteristics is your powerful will and determination. When you make up your mind about something, that's it! The trouble with that is that it doesn't just work with positive thinking - it works with negative thinking too. Change your mindset and reach for what you really want."
Hmmm.....I don't really believe in those but it's been on the same theme for weeks.
So anyway...
Yesterday morning I had asked Gabe if he would like to go to church with me. He said he would like to so all was well. We get to church, sit down, and I looked at the bulletin that has the day's subject on it. "Marriage Matters". UGH! The next 4 weeks are a huge marriage seminar!!! OMG! I was humiliated. I hadn't read the emails from the church telling the upcoming lessons and news so I had no idea. That was the most uncomfortable hour I've spent in a while. He wasn't thrilled with the situation but he didn't say anything about it either. I got some eye rolling and sour looks which said enough.
UGH!
So, important stuff: did you have fun Friday night?
Okay, now on to the other stuff. About church, great that he went. Crappy about the subject. I'm sure it made him feel nice and guilty lol.
I must confess I'm very curious. What things got him rolling his eyes and giving sour looks in particular? It seems like that would give some insight into where he is mentally/emotionally on his recent past.
Don't let this fester. Don't brush it under the rug either. Do a 180 and just bring it up: Gabe, I'm embarassed about yesterday. I didn't look at the upcoming lessons and news and had no idea this month would be marriage seminars. But I really appreciated you going to church with me, so maybe we can do it again next month.
Or whatever it is you want to say.
But say something! LOL
About your horoscopes - that's just bloody funny. You're getting told from every conceivable angle!
Try reading this:
http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=6703#more-6703and this:
http://www.gettingpastyourpast.com/?p=6607#more-6607Affirmations are very uncomfortable to say, let alone believe. At first.
When you are doing them, you are actually rewiring your brain, and it feels down-right wrong. Your thinking over all these years has worn a groove in your psyche, in the way you look at yourself. You have to "reformat" things.
It doesn't take as long as you might think, but it does take determination and effort on your part - you can't give up when it feels silly, or stupid, or like lies. Just keep doing it.
Look up ways to write your own affirmations, or read some on the internet. You have to do these many times throughout the day. The more you practice, the less time it will take (just like learning any new skill, like riding a bike).
I'm trying to remember, but didn't friends here try to get you started a while back?
Hey, all, if you can help write an affirmation for Mish, please add it here:
Mish is a dedicated, involved mom who loves her son deeply and makes sure he has what he needs.
Mish has a wam soul; when she loves you, it is without reservations or conditions.
Mish has an inner beauty that shines through when she smiles. Even her eyes smile and sparkle.
Google DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There are lots of tools there that work, IF you work them.
Here's another link to worksheets that can help:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/freedownloads2.htm
You know it! The universe has it's sights on me apparently.
We had a lot of fun Friday night. We took Marc to dinner and a movie. It was good to just be out doing family stuff. As much as I would have like to just be alone, it was good to have Marc with us too.
He wasn't rolling his eyes at particular subject matter or anything. I wrote a note on the top of the bulletin and handed to him saying "Sorry. I had no idea." He rolled his eyes at that. The sour look seemed to come over his face when pastor was talking about a man's role to provide for his wife and put his very life down to protect her as Christ laid his life down for his church. I would understand the sour look if he was still the 'man of the house' and responsible for providing. He's not. He is a boarder with benefits so I don't know why that would elicit any response from him.
He's embarrassed by his failures. It is about him, and I wouldn't worry about it too much. You certainly didn't set him up, and I don't think he believes you did.
Happy to hear about Fri night - and you seemed happy through Superbowl! Great game....
Ah. Oh well, he'll get over that part.
Interestingly, I think the sour look is because he feels like he has failed at that. Even though he's not officially the "man of the house" anymore, his responsibility to provide, especially for Marc, didn't end with the divorce. And he probably feels guilty about that, as well as like crap about losing his prior job and now having to work 7 days a week to make less money.
Besides, just because you refer to him as a boarder with benefits doesn't mean he doesn't see himself as the man of the house.
Glad Friday night was lots of fun!!!!!!
I agree. He is getting to hear how he let his family down. It was good of you to let him know that you weren't sabotaging him or setting him up. Maybe he does see himself as the man of the house. Is he at least contributing funds now?
Mish has a wonderful, kind heart.
Mish is very loyal and supportive.
Mish is a beautiful woman and I am so glad she is my friend.
Love ya, kat
You are all making me cry. Thank you so much for your continued support and ideas for help and healing. It means the world.
Donna, I am reading those articles you sent.
There are times I want to tell him to leave to save myself from the pain. There are times I want to cling to him and just tell him that none of the past matters and that I love him and always will. Most of the time I hang right in the middle of those two extremes. Maybe that is a positive thing. I can't quite decide.
My granny's 90th surprise birthday party is Saturday in Ohio. I can't afford airline tickets so we are driving. It's about 9-10 hours from here. Not bad if I could leave early Friday morning. That was my original plan - pull Marc out of school on Friday and hit the road. Of course, those plans are all screwed up.
Marc has a huge biology test and a final test on "Dante's Inferno" in English. UGH!!! He has to be there which now means that we can't leave until 2pm.
It's going to be very late arriving up there in the snow and ice. I'm not good and driving in bad weather so this should be a real treat!!!!!!
I agree, it was him facing the tuth he has known for a while: he cant provide for you guys as he would like to, he cant be what he would want to be, not yet anyway.
Mish, you need to get a bit more optimistic my dear...
Luv
K
"I wrote a note on the top of the bulletin and handed to him saying "Sorry. I had no idea." He rolled his eyes at that."
So, you ASSumed what his reaction would be and then gave him ZERO space to have a positive or neutral reaction.
Hmmmmm.
Also, if I were him, I would have been rolling my eyes at your egg-shell-walking apologizing-for-things-beyond-control molly-coddling of me, FWIW.
Just prepare how you can. Pack chains, some food and water and a couple blankets in the car. Then just drive. No point in worrying about what mother nature may or may not throw at you. She's too unpredictable even on a good day lol.
It'll all work out somehow.
Also, if I were him, I would have been rolling my eyes at your egg-shell-walking apologizing-for-things-beyond-control molly-coddling of me, FWIW.
Ok, so I'm molly-coddling because I was genuinely mortified that the one week I asked him to go with me happens to be the start of a series about marriage? I was so humiliated. I wouldn't want him to think I purposely did that so why shouldn't I apologize? It's not like I was apologizing for the subject matter, only that I didn't know. I'm confused, please explain.
Egg-shell walking? Well, yes. I've admitted as much. There is not a moment of a day that I'm not scared of saying or doing something that will set him off. There is not a night that that he is 30 minutes late coming back that I immediately think he's off with some woman. It's a torturous existence but one that I am creating all on my own. At least I'm aware of that. That's an improvement at least.
I don't give him credit but that would require trust. He hasn't done anything to really earn it but he also hasn't been trying to. He doesn't have any reason to. I'm the landlady.
Mish, you need to get a bit more optimistic my dear...
Optimisim is not my strong suit!!!
There is not much to be optimistic about but I'll see what I can do about that.
I don't have chains but I do have the water and blankets and some snacks in the car. Scary stuff!!!! LOL
Mish,
It's not that big of a deal. But, what I'm trying to show you is the other side. Being around an egg-shell walker is torturous too. "Oh my God, she's so skittish, can't I ever just relax without making her nervous?" Being around someone constantly assuming one's feelings and trying to manage them is stifling. My point is that he didn't ever have a chance to form his own feelings/reaction -- you handed them to him preconceived.
IMAGINE he wasn't judging you and condemning you from the moment he walked into the door. IMAGINE he might have actually gotten something positive fun it. You didn't really give him space to have such an experience without feeling stupid or embarrassed about it.
Did you ever have a friend who was constantly shaping herself to be congenial to you, changing her favorite color, her food, never saying what she wanted to do, soooo worried about turning you off? Not much of a friend really because that other person really isn't in the R, but instead some kind of warped reflection of you.
Imagine you are a size 16/18 and a friend takes you shopping to a non-plus sized store. You wonder if anything might fit, you see an amazing outfit you think might work, it is fun to be shopping with your friend. But then she pulls you over and says, "Mish, I'm so mortified they only have regular sized clothes here, I'm so sorry for bringing you, I didn't know." HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?
Be who YOU are. Be direct. STOP managing Gabe -- let him be who he is.
Ahhhh...ok, now I get it!!! That was an excellent example. I thank you OT!!!
Oh believe me, I'm myself in most aspects but I find that I am extra cautious when it comes to the parts of my personality that he claimed were the catalyst for the D. I am, by nature, sarcastic. No surprise to anyone here!!! He took things I said in jest and turned them into truism even though my actions didn't match that and decided that I was disrespecting him. Nothing could have been further from the truth but that is how he say it and I endeavor to not be that way. Of course that means the I'm not nearly as 'off the cuff' as I used to be. Is that a good thing? I don't know. It just tends to make me a little bit dull IMO.
Again, not sure why it would even matter. I don't believe he's in this for the long haul.
Let me ask you this...Are YOU in it for the long haul? What are you wanting this to be?
kat
How long does he have to be there before you might think he is?
He was there for almost 20 years before. And now he's been back a while. Not just a few weeks, not just a few months. And he shows no signs of leaving now...just because it hasn't been spoken out loud doesn't mean anything one way or the other really.
I too tend towards sarcasm, and I also tend to watch what I say more now. However, there's a difference between using sarcasm to be funny and using sarcasm as a shield or a way to make a point to someone without just directly stating the issue or requesting what you want.
There is plenty to be optomistic about sweetie. You have a steady job, a nice house, a great kid (despite his faults and crazy phases lol), and a pretty great XH who is there for his son and for you. Just because you don't always like your job or feel unsure about where things stand with Gabe doesn't negate the good in your life. It just is. Nothing is perfect.
Let me ask you this...Are YOU in it for the long haul? What are you wanting this to be?
That is a very fair question kat and I don't have much of an answer. I have no confidence in my ability to maintain any kind of a R so, in short, no - I'm not in it for the long haul. I don't believe in forever anymore. I don't believe in the 'power of love'. Call me whatever you want but that's the honest truth. Anyone who can maintain their belief in love after what we have gone through has my utmost respect, I'm not one of those.
What do I want this to be? No idea. My stupid heart is still engaged and has those foolish girlhood fantasies of a happy family with a man who loves and cares for me, is tender and kind and comforting. My head knows that is not reality. So what do I want? Stability. That is the most I can hope for but I don't know what it's going to take to feel like that.
My sarcasm has never been used to be snarky toward people (except when I'm pushed WAY too far). It's always been used in a joking manner and usually is self-depricating more than anything else. Even that was something Gabe said made him feel disrespected so I have become very dull (IMO) because I don't speak the way I used to. Yes, I should just be myself and to heck with him and what he thinks of it but it's become habit to bite my tongue and fight my nature.
Yes, I should just be myself and to heck with him and what he thinks of it but it's become habit to bite my tongue and fight my nature.
Can so relate!
(((Mishka)))
"...usually is self-depricating"
That's the thing. If you are down about yourself, even if you make light of it, it makes the other person feel disrespected. This is the reasoning:
He chose to be with you. You talk down about yourself, point out your short-comings.
So, it is almost like making fun of him for choosing to be with you.
"Hey, dope - what is wrong with you? Why would you be with someone like me, who is so (fill in the blank with the negative image of the moment)."
A huge reason that my ex left is not because of the things that I didn't do around the house - he knew me for over 20 years, knew that I prioritized quality time iwth loved ones, volunteering, teaching, etc., over housework.
It wasn't a problem until friends who we had recently gotten close with started teasing (still don't know if it was out of subconscious jealousy or just got too comfortable and boundaries were crossed)..... what OTHER PEOPLE started to make a joke out of. He started to feel like a shmuck because friends would joke about him pitching in around the house.
It was his perceptions - I guess it is always about each individual's perceptions, really, what makes up their reality. Some are more swayed by how other's view them, some are very hard on themselves...
That is where the power of positive thinking comes in. All the hype around "the Secret." Manifesting what you are thinking about.
If you treat YOURSELF with respect and love, that is how others will treat you. Project it out to the world. Demand it from those around you.
THAT is attractive. That tells the person that you are with that they made the right choice, that they are brilliant to be by your side, that they are lucky to have you.
And Mish, Gabe is lucky to have you. It is not the other way around.
I can't add anything to what Donna said. Perfect post!
And Mish, Gabe is lucky to have you. It is not the other way around.
And this is SO SO SO SO TRUE!
I agree too...you are fabulous even if you cannot see it in yourself...
Hugs...
I'm trying, really I am.
I drove to Ohio Friday morning (Marc managed to arrange his tests at the last minute so I didn't have to drive up there at night). LONG WAY! Made it in 9.5 hours. My Granny had to be told we were having a party for her because she wasn't feeling great so didn't want to go anywhere. My aunt told her there was a party but didn't tell her the scale it was going to be on. There were over 100 people there, mostly family, and she was overwhelmed by it. Family drove and flew in from all over the country including some cousins that no one had seen in over 10 years. It was a very special day. After the party Marc and I got to go spend some more time with her at her apartment so we could talk more one on one. I am grateful for the time I got to spend with her. Her health is not great but she still manages to live by herself with the cooking and cleaning help of two of my uncles.
Gabe called me Saturday from the flea market and wanted to know if I needed any new kitchen appliances. He was naming off some things and the one thing I actually did need was not an appliance but a new large Wok. I do a lot of stir fry and mine is old and starting to rust a little! He said they had a 14 inch one and asked if that was good. When I said yes he said, "Well, happy Valentines Day then!" Oh lovely. Yes, I appreciate the gift but if I had known what he was doing maybe I could have told him I really "needed" some flowers and a massage. *sigh* Oh well.......a long, long time ago he used up all his romantic gestures while we were dating and there have been none ever since. Why do I hope for more than this? Again....my STUPID, ROMANTIC HEART! GAG! Is there some sort of 'ectomy' to get rid of that part of it?
Sounds like a very amazing trip! So glad you and Marc were able to go and everything worked out so well!!!!!
Too funny about Gabe's present. Personally, I love practical presents, so I would have been fine with that.
You should have told him, "Oh! I also really need flowers! And a massage! And dinner out! Well, maybe that's overkill. Just the flowers would be swell." LOL
He obviously is a person who appreciates practical gifts. That doesn't mean he's not capable of romantic gestures, just his picture of life after dating doesn't include them. He obviously thinks those are required things while dating, but no one ever showed him or told him that they are important in the years after as well. So...might be time to just have a frank discussion with him. I appreciate the wok, I did need a new one. I really appreciate how you look after me and try and make sure I have what I need. But, I'm really a sucker for the romantic gestures. I would love it if you got me flowers.
Or you could just buy yourself some with a card signed Your Valentine and put them on the kitchen table. That would make him wonder! LMAO
LOL!!! Love the 'secret admirer' idea. That would be funny!
I had rented a car for this trip since my car needs new tires and I just didn't want to sink the money in it this minute. I had to return it this morning and Gabe came over there to pick me up so we could play musical cars. He called me and asked if I would like fajitas to make for dinner. There is a Mexican market next to Hertz and their meat market was making them with their 'secret spice mix'. YUM! We went home to switch cars around and low and behold.........he got me 4 hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries and a card and wrote a super sweet sentiment in it. HOLY COW! Knock me over with a feather!
See, you don't know everything about him!! Give the man some credit. He is trying.
kat
Awwwwwww. That ought to make your year!
What a lovely gesture, I think I'll go out and get myself some of those too! Happy Valentine's Day Mish.
Thanks guys. It was definitely a surprise and made my day. I told him that too and made sure that he understood just how special that was to me.
I'm catching Marc's cold...ICK! Sore throat, stuffy nose, watering eyes, headache. I guess that's what I get for dragging him with me for that many hours in the car.
Should have banished him to the backseat with a face mask LOL.
Take care of yourself now. Don't let it get worse by pushing yourself too hard.
I definitely understand it making your day. That was a super sweet gesture and gift. This one is definitely one for the record books. Maybe even the mirror so you never forget!
"he got me 4 hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries and a card and wrote a super sweet sentiment in it. "
Wow, I hope you went down on your knees in gratitude. And yes, you should read that in the dirtiest way possible.
ROTFLMAO!!!! That is the general plan OT....LOL!!!!!
I do have to say I'm still a little floored by yesterday. Riding the high. I had gotten tickets for us to go see George Lopez in concert in a couple of weeks. He absolutely loved it and immediately told his boss there was no way he was working that night and he could fire him if he had a problem with that because he was having 'date night'. WAY out of the norm for him.
There is an important date coming up in March. He will be able to appeal the state review board's decision to pull his certificates. I hope this is successful. He is kind of counting on getting them back and getting his career back and I would hate to see what happens to him if it doesn't work out.
That was incredibly sweet of him. And hysterical about taking that night off! That's so awesome.
I will keep my fingers crossed about the review! I am sure that would really make him happy. It probably seems like that would erase some of the craziness of the last couple years, he'd be able to really put it behind him and get back on track financially. Does he have to go in person or is it just a review of his file?
He will have to go for an interview in front of a review panel. He can't submit the applicaton for appeal until March and they only meet twice a year so it could be the end of the year before he hears anything.
I heard a really great idea on the radio today. The show is out of Dallas and really didn't like them at first but oh well, they grew on me.
The idea they had was to write yourself a letter about the things you like or even love about you. The host had to read theirs on the air. I think we all could do this and be surprised. One of the gals was even saying how she loved her legs! lol It can be personality traits as well. Try this Mish, I am.
Big hugs, kat
We went home to switch cars around and low and behold.........he got me 4 hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries and a card and wrote a super sweet sentiment in it. HOLY COW! Knock me over with a feather!
One thing I did wrong during our pre A marriage was ... I didnt think H could give me things like that. I had forgotten how he used to do and my whole attitude was telling him "you would never think of that!!!" etc etc. Guess what? OW expected so much from him and he delivered. SOOOOOO, mish, start dealing with Gabe as if he were a responsible mature loving man. Even if reality is far from that, I think men love to feel we think of them capable of making us happy (which of course we know isnt the right psycological approach since we are responsible for our own happiness etc etc etc).
xxx
K
Great post Kalni -- this is precisely what I was getting at in my post about the marriage sermons. It is too easy not to give people space to shine. And, it is what I'm talking about when I say people are being arrogant when they think they know all about what the WAS will do, say, think, feel, be capable of, etc....
If we keep a beginner's mind and give people space to shine, a lot can happen.
Words I think we all need to take to heart in all situations in life!!!!
Great post Kalni -- this is precisely what I was getting at in my post about the marriage sermons. It is too easy not to give people space to shine. And, it is what I'm talking about when I say people are being arrogant when they think they know all about what the WAS will do, say, think, feel, be capable of, etc....
If we keep a beginner's mind and give people space to shine, a lot can happen.
Exactly that. And for me, the positive surpise is always very refreshing. It is just and I am actually rewiring a lot of things I didnt like but took for granted and as things that wouldnt change :settling, among other things...
Yay you for getting the choc. strawberries! Yummmm
Wow Mish, it really strikes me how you assume the worst and kind of write Gabe off.. yet he keeps persistently chipping away at that negative view...
"Oh well.......a long, long time ago he used up all his romantic gestures while we were dating and there have been none ever since. Why do I hope for more than this? Again....my STUPID, ROMANTIC HEART! GAG! Is there some sort of 'ectomy' to get rid of that part of it?"
Then...
".........he got me 4 hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries and a card and wrote a super sweet sentiment in it. HOLY COW! Knock me over with a feather!"
WOW WOW WOW! Instead of creeping around and trying not to bug, or spook him, maybe you should practise extreme forgiveness?.. the more love and trust you throw at him, the more puffed up and loving he may feel and you may find he reciprocates more and more.
Heck it worked for me.. I showered H in love, forgiveness and acceptance when we got back together and it gave him the confidence and faith that I wasnt 'holding it against him' to truly express his love for me back.
xx
Very good points Ali. I just can't seem to do it...too scared and too scarred.
I don't ever bring up the past, I don't ask questions about the broom, I never, ever talk about the future either. As far as I'm concerned I will take today and hope for tomorrow and that is as far as I'm willing to look. It's too terrifying to me to do anything more than that.
I do show him in every way possible that I love and care for him without actually putting those words out there. I used those words on Valentine's day and I nearly had a heart attack.
Trust? No idea how to do that without talking about it. Talking about it would mean putting some sort of a label on this odd R we have which he does not want to do. As far as that goes, I view this as a day to day R with no plans for a future and no commitments. It's not an easy way to live because it's SO not me but that is what he wants and I'm still deciding if I can live like this or if I'm going to have to pull the plug. There are many benefits to our arrangement and I'm not lonely anymore. Without being able to trust that he is committed to staying as long as possible I feel like I'm walking a bit of a tightrope.
I don't blame any of this on him. This is entirely my doing and I'll live with it. This is good for Marc. He needed his dad so much and I'm not willing to destroy that for him.
Ok........more truth just to give you some insight into how messed up my head is?
Saturday night I had a friend over for dinner and a movie. During the movie Gabe texted me and it got a little sexy. We made plans for after my friend left. Things were great, we were having a nice time and then I don't know what happened but I moved some way and there was a horrible pain. I won't go into detail but you women know what I mean when I say it was like a tearing. I was trying to suck it up like a big girl and just continue but it hurt so bad. He stopped and said it was not a problem and he didn't want to hurt me. I was pretty upset about it though. I made sure to tell him that I was absolutely not upset with him, only with myself. I got up and went in the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. Not from pain, but from humiliation and fear. Fear? Yes. Fear that this would be the reason he would walk away. The spinning in my head overwhelmed me with thoughts of how useless I was, I can't even do this one thing right. It was horrible and is continuing to upset me but I'm not showing it.
Yes, TMI, but that is how messed up in the head I really am. It's not pretty in there people! Not pretty at all!!!!
I do show him in every way possible that I love and care for him without actually putting those words out there. I used those words on Valentine's day and I nearly had a heart attack.
Good for you for biting the bullet and doing it!!!!!!!!!!!
Talking about it would mean putting some sort of a label on this odd R we have which he does not want to do. As far as that goes, I view this as a day to day R with no plans for a future and no commitments. It's not an easy way to live because it's SO not me but that is what he wants and I'm still deciding if I can live like this or if I'm going to have to pull the plug.
I don't remember him saying that, did I miss something? I can see both of you being squemish about The M and D words beause of your recent history, but that doesn't mean he plans to leave at any time. Or that he views it as a day to day R.
If anything, his actions say FAR otherwise! He moved back in, he's spending time with you and Marc, he's contributing to the house, he brought you soup when you were sick, he got you chocolate covered strawberries and a sappy card for V-day. Guy DON'T do stuff like that if they're not "in."
Saturday night I had a friend over for dinner and a movie. During the movie Gabe texted me and it got a little sexy. We made plans for after my friend left.
This is great!!!
Things were great, we were having a nice time and then I don't know what happened but I moved some way and there was a horrible pain. I won't go into detail but you women know what I mean when I say it was like a tearing. I was trying to suck it up like a big girl and just continue but it hurt so bad. He stopped and said it was not a problem and he didn't want to hurt me. I was pretty upset about it though. I made sure to tell him that I was absolutely not upset with him, only with myself. I got up and went in the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. Not from pain, but from humiliation and fear. Fear? Yes. Fear that this would be the reason he would walk away. The spinning in my head overwhelmed me with thoughts of how useless I was, I can't even do this one thing right. It was horrible and is continuing to upset me but I'm not showing it.
This part is horrible though. Sorry to hear you are hurting!! That is absolutely no fun!
Why would you be upset with yourself though? It's not like you did anything, just like he didn't try to hurt you. It was just an accident.
And guess what...he hasn't left. He hasn't left for any of the things you've said or done in the past MONTHS. Instead, he got you chocolate covered strawberries and a sappy card.
I know it's easier, feels safer, to stay a bit more distant. To try and stay in the mind set of not defining the R, not relying on him. But you are also locking yourself into this pseudo-R. Are you going to let your fear hold you back forever?
His exact words back in September were, "Why does this have to be leading anywhere or be anything. We're having fun enjoying each other's company. That's enough.
That was that. Closed for discussion. This is all it can be or will be and I'm either ok with that or I have to ask him to leave. I can't decide which.
He hasn't left. It is impossible for me to open my mouth and speak about the pseudo-R with him. I try and I choke on my own words. So, I guess my fear has a total hold on me that I can't manage to break. I'm not brave enough to speak up and get squashed again. After what happened in September, I'm just too scared.
Ah yes! That's right. I'd forgotten obviously.
But still. That was September! It was months and months and months ago. A lot has changed since then. He's taken time off work to be with you and Marc, he did super sweet romantic sappy stuff for V-day, etc etc etc.
Just because it's been closed for discussion doesn't mean things haven't changed, that the R hasn't grown. September was also almost 6 months ago. When you first start dating someone there are milestones where it becomes serious, when you first say ILY, where you start talking about moving in and M. This is no different in some ways, and very different in others. I'm sure he's sensitive about the M and D stuff. And feels guilty.
But not dealing with the issues won't make them go away. Even if you don't talk them out, they need to be addressed. If talking won't work, write a letter or an e-mail. Be a little creative here.
And give him the space to grow. Let him meet your good expectations of him more often!
I'm just babbling now. Kalni and Ali would obviously have much more insight into your situation than me. But hang in there. ((((((Michelle))))))
I think you need to talk to Gabe. Let him know that you want him to stay but only if this relationship means something to both of you. You need to let him know that you are afraid of him leaving and maybe that is irrational but what are his thoughts. You deserve to be in a relationship you feel good about because really you don't deserve to walk on eggshells in your own life.
hugs, kat
I'm hearing you all and I know you are right. Actually doing it is so difficult.
I may have an opportunity this Saturday. Gabe is taking the day off. We are going to see George Lopez together that night. Dinner beforehand. Not a subject I think I should bring up at dinner. Maybe drinks afterward? I'm going to need liquid courage.
I just got this in an email today (from Michele and DB). It made me think of you and what you are going through.
I was never able to be in the situation that you are in; I certainly was not equipped at the time to handle what he was going through without crazy abandonment issues. But you have made it so far....
Maybe some of this applies:
Part Two - 'What to Do About His Mid Life Crisis'
Last week's email talked about Identifying Your Husband's Mid Life Crisis. Now it's time to come up with a plan. You want to make your marriage work, but it's hard to imagine how even the best divorce-busting techniques could be effective in dealing with a person who is in La-La Land. Despite your frustrations, the bottom line is you want your marriage. So what's a woman to do?
Before you decide to take on the project of saving your marriage, you need to realize a few things:
There Are No Guarantees
Although most men do come to their sense eventually, not all do. You could do all the hard work, and in the end, still get divorced. At the very least, you'll be able to honestly say to yourself that you tried everything. And if you have children, you are teaching them a very, very important lesson: that you must do whatever you can to make your marriage work. Your children will benefit from watching you, no matter what happens in the end.
This Is Going To Be A Long Haul
Midlife crisis don't end quickly; they may last months or years, and you need to brace yourself for the journey. Many of the problems addressed in this marriage-saving guide are somewhat less intractable and easier to resolve. Wading through a midlife crisis is a process that simply takes time. You can't rush it. You can't rush it. You can't bull your way through it. You just have to remind yourself constantly that there are no quick fixes. And, however long it really takes, it seems a whole lot longer.
Expect a Roller-Coaster Ride
The midlife crisis is going to be a full-fledged roller-coasted ride. You will go up and you will go down. Just when you think your husband is showing signs of improvement, he lets you know that, as far as he's concerned, nothing has changed. It's all par for the course. The unpredictability of his moods and his reactions will drive you nuts. But then there will be those times that keep you going, times when, for just a brief moment, things seem normal again. If you ask people who have successfully survived a midlife crisis, they will tell you that the roller-coaster ride was the only route to getting there. So like it or not, fasten your seat belt and invest in a large supply of Dramamine.
Welcome to Limbo Land
One of the worst parts about how long it takes for your spouse to work his way through his existential dilemma - and how rocky the road will be - is that you will feel that your life has been put on hold. You will feel angry and hurt that you have to wait for him to realize something that he should just have known at the start - that your marriage is worth saving. You will resent the fact that it will feel as if he is calling all the shots. You have to wait for him to change his mind about you and your relationship. You have to wait for him to want to be with you. You have to wait for him to feel better about himself and his choices. You just have to wait. He's setting the pace right now. Not knowing about the of all this will be maddening at times, but for now, you will just have to accept this state of uncertainty.
To Say You Will Need Patience is a Big, BIG Understatement
If you are a take-charge person, you are about to learn one of the hardest lessons in your life. You are not going to be able to control or exert influence on your partner to speed up this process. You are going to hear and see things that you think are unfair and unjust and you are going to learn very quickly that you are not going to be able to educate your spouse about his wrongdoings. You are just going to have to let things happen, go with the flow. The answers to this puzzling midlife crisis must come from him. You won't be able to guide him or facilitate the process. This will require an enormous amount of patience and self-control. Think about the most challenging thing you've ever done in your life in regard to being patient. now multiply that by a million. You're beginning to see what I mean.
Don't Defend Yourself
The best thing you can do when your spouse shares negative feelings about your marriage, his life, or even you is to be a good listener. Acknowledge what he is saying. Tell him that you feel bad that he is so upset about things. Tell him that you wish things had been different. Apologize for things that warrant it. Let him know that you are hearing and taking to heart the things he is unhappy about. This will be challenging because you will be listening with one ear and thinking about what you'd love to say in response at the same time. Resist the temptation to say it. Even if you are "right," pushing the issue will push him away. Don't do it.
Don't Ask Questions or Make Demands
It's very important that you give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start making demands right away, you will probably lose him. There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, like interrogation and issuing demands. You will have to develop many strategies to stop yourself from blowing your stack or nailing him to the wall; this will be unbelievably challenging. But that's precisely what you need to do. Discover what helps to keep you on track, whether it's taking a walk, going for a run, calling a friend, logging on to your computer, reading a book, or standing on your head.
Focus on Yourself
Although you have read this advice many times, it is here that it is most applicable. It is absolutely essential that you find ways to make yourself happy during this most difficult time. "Easy for you to say, Michele," is what you're thinking. I know, I know. It's hard to imagine how you could be happy while your life is falling apart, but if you are going to come out the other side of this midlife crisis, you are going to have to do it. Whether you were an incredibly independent person to begin with, or someone who preferred doing everything with your man, you are going to have to develop and discover ways to find inner peace without him right now. You need to do this for you, for your husband and for your children, if you have them.
Although your husband can choose to put his decision about your marriage on hold, you cannot and should not put your own life on hold. Once you get over the shock of what's happening and grieve, you need to get out a piece of paper and a pen and write down the concrete steps you are going to take to make your life as fulfilling as possible. You need to restore you sense of self. You are a wonderful person and you should remind yourself of this whenever possible, because you won't be getting lots of compliments from your spouse. You will have to find your goodies somewhere else. Here are somethings women have done to help them feel good about themselves and their lives during their transitional periods. This list is by no means comprehensive. I include it simply to jump-start your imagination.
Spend more time with their children
Keep a journal
Reinvest themselves in spiritual activities
Further their education
Join a support group
Devote themselves to their careers
Spend more time with friends
Begin a new hobby
Join a health club
Read self-help books
One more thing to consider. Even if your husband won't go - and whatever you do, you shouldn't press the issue - you might consider going for therapy. If you find someone you like, s/he can help you sort things out and feel better about yourself. Find a professional who is trained in solution-oriented methods and who is pro-marriage. If you go to a therapist who doesn't understand what you are working toward and the methods you are using to get there, s/he will probably try to discourage you from continuing on your marriage-saving path. Be very clear from the start that you are determined to save your marriage. Also, make sure your therapist doesn't subscribe to the "You should tell him how you feel" methodology. It won't work, I promise you. If the therapist suggests that you need to disclose your feelings or that therapy won't work unless your husband joins you in treatment, it should be an immediate red flag for you to find someone else.
I Did it My Way
The one thing you will have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband will have to find his own answers. No matter how much you want to help him, he will not find comfort in the articles you send him, the therapy appointments you want to make for him, the heart-to-hearts you want to have with him, or anything else you wish to do. In the same way that you can't force a baby to walk before he crawls, talk before he babbles, getting through a midlife crisis is a process.
If you have children, you know that there have been times when you've needed to stand back and let them fall so they improve their balance and learn how to get up again. Similarly, you will need to stand back and allow your spouse to find his way. I realize that I have told you this before, but I'm saying it again because I know you will need to take this to heart. You might find yourself reading and rereading this. Letting go is amazingly difficult, but unless you do, your marriage probably won't work out. You have to learn how to detach from your husband's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing.
Coming Home
I know you are going to have a hard time believing what I'm about to tell you now, but if your husband does eventually decide to recommit to your marriage, life will not be a bed of roses right away. For starters, you have just spent a very long time putting aside your emotions and needs. You've had to be incredibly strong. Perhaps your spouse has had an affair and while you've been fighting for your marriage, you've had to put your feelings of rage and despair on the back burner. So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you'll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake. It just means you're human.
The way to move beyond these intense feelings is to make your marriage better than it ever was to begin with. This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.
Furthermore, if your spouse had an affair that he's decided to end, as much as you'd like him to be thrilled about the fact that the other woman is no longer in his life, it's unlikely that this will happen. Even if his intentions to work on your marriage are good, he will probably be feeling a sense of withdrawal just as someone would if they were giving up a drug. He might feel sad. He might be depressed or irritable. Don't assume he's second-guessing himself. Don't assume he thinks he wants to go back to her. Let him be. He will come out of his funk much more quickly if you, in a sense give him "permission" to feel that way for a while. This shows him that you know that feeling sad when you end something is normal. It is. don't make anything more out of it than it is.
But don't lose sight of the fact that you have come such a very, very long way. Think about how things were when he first hit his midlife crisis. Remember how devastated you were and how impossible he was. Things really have changed, haven't they? You should be very proud of yourself. And you should give yourself permission to feel the whole range of feelings you are experiencing right now. Just don't blow all the hard work by slipping back into old ways. You will feel better soon. You and your spouse need to work as a team to get your marriage back on track. You've gotten this far, you can reach your end goal...a loving marriage. Just hang in there.
I still have one more phone-session with a DB coach left that I paid for long ago - if we can figure out a way to transfer it, it's yours.
This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.
This part - I have no idea what kind of time line fits. I know that you have needs, rational requests to know what is going on...
At what point do we go from being understanding and not rocking the boat, to being a doormat / enabler? I have no idea....
But I still truly hope for the best for you, Mish, whatever that may end up being. That you come to realize and value the wonderful person you are, and have a happy life.
Actually doing it is so difficult.
Of course. We all understand why you feel that way. We've all fought with this in our own situations. So think about your method. Would a letter or e-mail be better (it would obviously be easier for you to get the words all ironed out and not have to say them)? Would he be more receptive or less?
Not a subject I think I should bring up at dinner. Maybe drinks afterward? I'm going to need liquid courage.
Definitely not before. You don't want to ruin the evening. You want to do it at a time you are both relaxed with some good times under your belt. After is definitely a possibility, especially since he usually works later and so shouldn't be too exhausted to talk. But definitely don't do this with too much liquid courage or you'll end up getting even more emotional about it. I find I get more verbose when drinking, and that goes against how to communicate with guys.
You know all this, but I'll remind us all anyways.
Short and to the point. "I feel" "I think" statements, no blaming statements. Ask for what you want, don't assume he won't give it (and definitely don't assume he can't, because he most certainly can), and don't try and address everything all at once.
((((((Mishka))))))
Put some notes on your mirror this week like we've been talking about. Get all this stuff written down and out of your head. Don't let yourself think negatively about this.
Coming Home
I know you are going to have a hard time believing what I'm about to tell you now, but if your husband does eventually decide to recommit to your marriage, life will not be a bed of roses right away. For starters, you have just spent a very long time putting aside your emotions and needs. You've had to be incredibly strong. Perhaps your spouse has had an affair and while you've been fighting for your marriage, you've had to put your feelings of rage and despair on the back burner. So, if your husband decides to work on your marriage, although you'll be very relieved, you should expect to be flooded with many other intense emotions. This is normal. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake. It just means you're human.
The way to move beyond these intense feelings is to make your marriage better than it ever was to begin with. This means that you and your husband have lots of issues to work out. You need to identify which parts of your marriage need to be improved. You will need to change, but your husband will need to change too. He will need to show you that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But don't expect these changes to happen immediately; it will take time. You will need to continue to remain patient.
Furthermore, if your spouse had an affair that he's decided to end, as much as you'd like him to be thrilled about the fact that the other woman is no longer in his life, it's unlikely that this will happen. Even if his intentions to work on your marriage are good, he will probably be feeling a sense of withdrawal just as someone would if they were giving up a drug. He might feel sad. He might be depressed or irritable. Don't assume he's second-guessing himself. Don't assume he thinks he wants to go back to her. Let him be. He will come out of his funk much more quickly if you, in a sense give him "permission" to feel that way for a while. This shows him that you know that feeling sad when you end something is normal. It is. don't make anything more out of it than it is.
But don't lose sight of the fact that you have come such a very, very long way. Think about how things were when he first hit his midlife crisis. Remember how devastated you were and how impossible he was. Things really have changed, haven't they? You should be very proud of yourself. And you should give yourself permission to feel the whole range of feelings you are experiencing right now. Just don't blow all the hard work by slipping back into old ways. You will feel better soon. You and your spouse need to work as a team to get your marriage back on track. You've gotten this far, you can reach your end goal...a loving marriage. Just hang in there.
This part really seemed to hit the nail on the head. It's funny because I find it very applicable to me, even in a new relationship, because I am still working through all the baggage that the PA, S, and D left me with.
I still have one more phone-session with a DB coach left that I paid for long ago - if we can figure out a way to transfer it, it's yours.
Wow! I always knew there were great people on here, but this just reaffirms to me what a wonderful community this is!
You are all amazing!!! Wow! That is a great article. There is one point that I am hung up on though.....HE DIDN'T CHOSE TO GIVE HER UP AND COME BACK TO ME AND OUR M. He came to me out of necessity. It's that one point that stos me in my tracks.
How do I get around that? He didn't chose a R with me, he chose a roof over his head and this twisted R came out of that. Mutual comfort, KWIM?
But look at it this way, he could have gone elsewhere or lived out of his car. I know not attractive options. So he came to you and he started out on the couch. Somewhere in there, there had to be the feeling that you could forgive or he wouldn't have moved things forward.
And yes, he did choose to start something up with you...it just isn't clearly defined enough for you yet.
New exercise: Instead of looking at the negative, let's see if you can find the positive and then focus on that.
hugs, kat
You are all amazing!!! Wow! That is a great article. There is one point that I am hung up on though.....HE DIDN'T CHOSE TO GIVE HER UP AND COME BACK TO ME AND OUR M. He came to me out of necessity. It's that one point that stos me in my tracks.
How do I get around that? He didn't chose a R with me, he chose a roof over his head and this twisted R came out of that. Mutual comfort, KWIM?
This post is precisely why you should NOT confront Gabe. BOTH of you need him to have the space to figure out what he wants without pressure or expectations. Otherwise NEITHER of you will no whether or not his choices are sincere or out of being cornered. Continue double secret probation.
Imagine you had confronted him about the Christmas presents. How would you have felt about the Valentine's gift? Not so good I bet.
LEAVE HIM BE. Unless you are ready to walk, LEAVE HIM ALONE. If the costs/risks of giving him space aren't worth the potential payoff, then that is a choice you'll have to make. But if they are, then don't sabotage things by chasing/cornering.
And, when you decide the costs aren't worth it, then YOU report where you are, you still don't grill/corner him. "Gabe, I love you and this time has been great, but this isn't working for me."
But, I don't think you are there yet. Own your choice to tolerate the uncertainty (you aren't certain of stuff, why should he have to be????). Drop the poor me/victim stuff, double secret probation x 3 months, reevaluate. Now -- chill.
HE DIDN'T CHOSE TO GIVE HER UP AND COME BACK TO ME AND OUR M. He came to me out of necessity.
I'm going to beat my head on my desk now. YES HE DID! Just because he wasn't ready to put a name on it, just because he's not talking about getting remarried or some such, just because he was in a bad place without you, does NOT change the fact that HE DIDN'T HAVE TO COME BACK TO YOU!!!!! HE CHOSE TO!!!!! And he not only chose to come back, but he is now doing the silly nice romantic things he did when you were dating, and he is doing things for you when you are sick. He is THERE. And he chooses every day to be there.
And you also didn't have to be a safe place for him to come back to. You didn't have to let him back into your life. You chose to.
And the new R you are building stems from both your choices. Either of you could break it off at any time. That's always the risk that both of you take. But so far, you have both CHOSEN to stick it out.
It's all about choices.
Well crap. I'm even more confused than before.
I think I'm back to shutting up and marking time. If I open my trap then I risk what I do have. If I stay silent I risk losing my mind and soul.
Neither is a good option so I'm trapped. I stuck myself here. No more whining, playing the victim (except of my own stupidity), or talking about it here.
No amount of talking it out is getting my head in order so it's futile.
Moving on from this subject.
Are you sure that talking to one of the DB phone counselors wouldn't help you get clearer? I'd rather see it be used for a good purpose than just evaporate...
You might want to post a question over at MLC forum, too.
I haven't been in your shoes, so I have little to no idea.
I didn't find this site until the divorce was in process. Ex was around all the time for about a year after he moved out but I wanted him to the end his affair. I was an emotional mess. I begged, pleaded,guilted...well you name it. You see what happened here. He married her.
I would have maybe had a real chance if I had found this site earlier. Keep working on you hon. Focus on making yourself happy. You are vey special. Give yourself some credit.
Kat
mish
lose the victim mentality. And I dont mean you blame others or any similar thing. I mean lose the "oh I cant do that" mentality. I know it's hard but sometiems I am reading yoru posts and I am thinking "is she blid, crazy, nuts?"
You know why? Because all this time "I have known you" and your life, YOU ARE doing a lot of difficult and amazing things and you have faced successfully some really hard challenges. Why cant you see that? Why cant you recognise that?
You can talk to Gabe, you can be clear, you dont have to be afraid. Havent you learnt anything? ANYTHING? Sometimes I get mad at you. I apologise but you need to wake up and see who you are and what you are capable of.
K
LESS SPELLING MISTAKES!!!
mish
lose the victim mentality. And I dont mean you blame others or any similar thing. I mean lose the "oh I cant do that" mentality. I know it's hard but sometimes I am reading your posts and I am thinking "is she blind, crazy, nuts?"
You know why? Because all this time "I have known you" and your life, YOU ARE doing a lot of difficult and amazing things and you have faced successfully some really hard challenges. Why cant you see that? Why cant you recognise that?
You can talk to Gabe, you can be clear, you dont have to be afraid. Havent you learnt anything? ANYTHING? Sometimes I get mad at you. I apologise but you need to wake up and see who you are and what you are capable of.
K
I think I'm back to shutting up and marking time. If I open my trap then I risk what I do have. If I stay silent I risk losing my mind and soul.
So which is riskier? You can survive without him. You've made it on your own.
Neither is a good option so I'm trapped.
So think of a third option.
lose the victim mentality. And I dont mean you blame others or any similar thing. I mean lose the "oh I cant do that" mentality. I know it's hard but sometimes I am reading your posts and I am thinking "is she blind, crazy, nuts?"
You know why? Because all this time "I have known you" and your life, YOU ARE doing a lot of difficult and amazing things and you have faced successfully some really hard challenges. Why cant you see that? Why cant you recognise that?
You can talk to Gabe, you can be clear, you dont have to be afraid. Havent you learnt anything? ANYTHING? Sometimes I get mad at you. I apologise but you need to wake up and see who you are and what you are capable of.
K
AND YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!
Hey Mish.. I dont know whats precipitated this latest round of frustration from you.. but you are in a bit of a stalemate hey.
What happened to the suggestions of applying Db principles again? As Donna posted (I read that to help me deal with H).. it talks about focusing on yourself and GALing and feeling worthy in yourself, without the need of validation from someone else.
Beucase thats it isnt it.. you seem to measure yourself all teh time in other peoples eyes.. Gabe doesnt want to commit/doesnt love me enough.. therefore I am rubbish/weak/unworthy.. he only came back to me out of convenience and comfort.. blah blah.
Mish, as my sister once said to me.. there are 6 billion people on the planet, you are not defined by just ONE person.
And as for this hun...
"No more whining, playing the victim (except of my own stupidity), or talking about it here.
No amount of talking it out is getting my head in order so it's futile.
Moving on from this subject."
Can you quit making empty promises like that!!?? I've heard it before and its not realistic.. this isnt a place to come and chat about mundane issues and the weather, this is a forum for you to vent, journal and get help etc.
You need to take some focus off Gabe.. he may even sense it and find it stifling.. you need to focus on you. DB101 hun.
Yes and why not use Donna's Db session, if they'll let you transfer it??
Al xxx
I had an interesting weekend and beginning of the week. All of it good if not great! I haven't felt this free in YEARS!
It all started on Saturday. I bought Gabe tickets for V-day to go see George Lopez (a favorite comedian for those who don't know who he is) and the show was Saturday night. Gabe took the day off (after nearly not being able to and threatening to quit because of it)and we spent the whole day together just doing the mundane around the house. We went to dinner and the show and it felt like old times. Lots of hand holding and touching. Very nice. Sunday was just a beautiful day. Went to lunch with a friend and some shopping. Gabe was extra attentive when he came home from work. Again....just really nice. Monday morning, out of the blue, he sent me a text that said, "I love you. Don't forget that. Ever."
HOLY HANDGRENADES OF ANTIOCH!!!!!!!!
My heart almost stopped. I've been feeling so much coming from him lately but I was afraid I was just interpreting it the way my heart wanted to and I wasn't using my head. Apparently, he used text to say what he was having a hard time getting out of his mouth. I told him I loved him more than words could say and that was that.
Things are opening up. Slowly. That is good. The frustration I've been feeling has eased a little. I now know that he does have feelings toward me and it's not just convenience so I feel better about things now. I've never said I think we should get married, make tons of future plans, nothing like that. I just needed to know if he felt anything toward me. Simple. That's it.
I got my tax refund and it was a pretty decent amount. I had paid off all of my bills with mom's life insurance so I don't have anything but the monthly typicals hanging over my head right now so.....I found a good deal on a cruise for Spring Break and I'm taking Marc. We are taking a 7 night Western Caribbean out of Tampa. We go to Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize, an Isla Roatan. Can't wait! Just a month away! I haven't been on an actual vacation (not going to stay with family) in 9 years!
Oh my!! How wonderful for you both. Keep your focus with Gabe and it will bode well for you. I have to dash to work but will post more later.
So happy. Love ya, kat
Nice! :-)
Now, I just gotta, I TOLD YOU SO.
Imagine instead you had a BIG TALK after George Lopez. You cornered, told him you had to know how he felt, what he wanted, blah blah blah. Suppose even that he had in response said the same thing: "I love you. Don't forget that. Ever."
How would you have felt???? Would EITHER have you known whether it was an authentic statement? He probably wouldn't have. And I'm pretty darn sure you wouldn't have. I can hear it now, "Oh, he just said that to get me to shut up/to make sure he kept his free rent/to avoid a confrontation while he plots leaving...." Blah blah blah.
Giving him SPACE to figure out what he wants and to show you both is YOUR CHOICE. You don't get to control what happens. It is risky, but it is the only way to give YOURSELF a chance to enjoy possible benefits that can't be had any other way. This means also, of course, accepting the possible costs.
Giving Gabe space is NOT about eggshell walking, suffering silently out of fear you can't do better, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
It is about YOUR power and strength to choose what possibilities you want to allow in your life. You have GOT to own that choice to be in a position of strength and love toward yourself.
When you want more from Gabe then you have, you have to reflect: are the potential benefits worth the potential costs. YOU CHOOSE and own that choice. Sometime, the answer might be "no." But even then, the answer is to set your boundary. Report about you. Not grill/corner.
So please please please, next time you find yourself strolling toward your comfortable long-suffering, can't hope for more, not good enough to deserve more, I'll take make stale crumbs and mope victim rut, reject it.
Your choices for your own reasons to make a good life for you. Period. That's it. You are not a victim here. You are the creator of possibilities in your life. Choose them well and own those choices with power and love toward yourself.
P.S. Are you starting to feel as though you were a bit arrogant in your beliefs about what Gabe could/would do/be? If so, recognize that feeling. Pay attention. Being able to grok that is a VERY powerful thing in one's life, far beyond your R with Gabe.
Hahaha. I'm gonna be super immature and say I told you so too! Guys don't act like Gabe has been if they don't love you!
That's awesome on so many levels. It's amazing how having some quality time together can really open up doors. That is definitely a ton of fodder for "what works" and his love languages. Probably some good stuff to write down in your journal for future reference.
And so so cool about the cruise. If I didn't have to be at my Army drill weekend, I'd so buy a ticket! That sounds like a total blast!
I think I should have shut myself up tonight. I sent Gabe a cute little Photobucket pic that said "No One Loves You Like I Do". Oooopsssss.....I got a thank you. That was really dumb of me. I know better.
OT & Michelle - You were both right. I hear ya! It was awesome to hear and just know that he cares and this isn't only about a place to live.
Now I need to learn to bite my tongue and not speak my feelings willy nilly. I don't believe he's ready to hear that and I'm not ready to be shut down. So, taking it one breath at a time and trying to find my way through the mine field. It's not easy.
On another note.......I start a weekly Zumba class tomorrow night. This should be interesting. Just hoping I don't drop over dead in the back of the room.
I LOVED reading what Gabe wrote to you!!! You deserve to be walking on clouds, but you are right in keeping your enthusiasm balanced. It is like a dance - don't overwhelm him, now. He gives a bit, you give back.
Zumba is SO much fun! Just be careful not to over-do it; it is ok to modify the moves.
Just lap it up Mish.. hold onto it, he took a long time to build up to 'saying' it, so I doubt he's going to change his mind about how he feels about you anytime soon! Men don't generally chop and change with the wind, when they get around to telling you how they feel, thats how they feel.
Me, I change my mind every 5 minutes
I dont know what zumba is, but it sounds painful!
LOL! It probably will be painful Ali! Zumba is an aerobic class that uses latin dance moves instead of traditional aerobic moves. It's all set to fast paced latin and pop music. We'll see how I do!
Hold onto that. It means a lot. But yeah, don't overwhelm him. Baby steps!
It's so so so amazing to see how far you have come!
Have fun with Zumba! I've never tried it myself but it always sounded fun to me since I like to dance and all.
Just stopping by to update a little. I read everyone every day, just not a lot to say in my own little world. I think I'm scared to talk about the good out of fear it will evaporate!!!
There have been a few more exchanged I love you's, always initiated by him. I used to be the only one who ever said it and he would reciprocate but it usually felt like he was just parroting and that hurt. Now, I'm letting him take the lead with his feelings. I make sure to respond to him with enthusiasm but not being over the top about it. It's becoming more obvious to me that something between us has shifted in a very positive way. He actually thanked me the other day for being so supportive of him and not hassling him about getting a different job. I told him that I understand he is marking time until he can put in the appeal to the state to try to get his certification back. That date comes up in less than 2 weeks and he is getting nervous about it.
Zumba was hysterical and completely exhausting! I could barely breathe after the first song!! A whole hour and I was ready to drop dead!!! On a good note though....it burned 900 calories!!!! Good heavens! Next class this Thursday. Have you ever seen an elephant zumba? Let alone an entire back row of us????
Joined a local gym yesterday. We have a new one in town that is owned by the same guy that owns all of the World Gym locations here. I used to belong to World but had to give it up when Gabe left because I couldn't afford it anymore. This one is only $15 a month and 24/7! All the equipment is new and it's not over crowded with lines for equipment even at peak time in the evening after work. PERFECT! Decided I had to stop trying to convince myself that I could do it at home. I have an elliptical in my living room and I use it but only about once a week and I need MUCH more than that. When I walk in my front door the last thing I want to do is keep moving. I need to do my housework, cook, and then PLOP!!!! LOL
One more great thing! I got a Kindle. Loving it already. My friend turned me on to a website that has listings of free ebooks to download on Amazon. PERFECT!!! Free is great!!! This is the BEST way to carry books on the cruise. I plan on doing a lot of reading in the sun.
Last...what can you all tell me about tanning? I have never, ever been to a tanning bed but I was warned by a few people that I should put a layer of color on before I set foot on this cruise ship or I could make myself miserable for the length of the cruise because I turn to instant lobster in the sun. With a layer of color and SPF50 at all times I should be ok. Trust me, SPF50 alone doesn't work for me. I burn right through it even reapplying every 30 minutes. It's really horrible. It's all the darned red undertones in my hair.
So...any info you can give me, tips, etc I would appreciate. This is going to be a very short term thing, not a constant. I'm scared to death of skin cancer but I also don't want to be burned to a crisp and miserable on my first vacation in over 8 years.
I bet you would burn quickly in a tanning bed too.
But I recommend a sunscreen called Aloe Gator. My blond blue-eyed surfer ex-husband was able to go to places like Indonesia and surf all day and not get burned using this. It stays on very well in the water. We got it at REI, it can be difficult to find but very worth it.
They say tanning beds are just as bad for you as the sun if not worse. If you can't find the sunscrren at a local store you might try on line. So glad things are going well for you.
kat
Now, I'm letting him take the lead with his feelings. I make sure to respond to him with enthusiasm but not being over the top about it. It's becoming more obvious to me that something between us has shifted in a very positive way. He actually thanked me the other day for being so supportive of him and not hassling him about getting a different job.
WOOT!!!! The power of positive reinforcement vs nagging. It's all in the actions, both of yours.
Decided I had to stop trying to convince myself that I could do it at home. I have an elliptical in my living room and I use it but only about once a week and I need MUCH more than that. When I walk in my front door the last thing I want to do is keep moving. I need to do my housework, cook, and then PLOP!!!! LOL
I hear that. if I didn't have the dog whining to get out and do something I'd have a lot less motivation to go running after work.
One more great thing! I got a Kindle. Loving it already. My friend turned me on to a website that has listings of free ebooks to download on Amazon. PERFECT!!! Free is great!!! This is the BEST way to carry books on the cruise. I plan on doing a lot of reading in the sun.
BF got me one for Christmas. I've downloaded over 70 free books so far. It's great isn't it?
Last...what can you all tell me about tanning? I have never, ever been to a tanning bed but I was warned by a few people that I should put a layer of color on before I set foot on this cruise ship or I could make myself miserable for the length of the cruise because I turn to instant lobster in the sun. With a layer of color and SPF50 at all times I should be ok. Trust me, SPF50 alone doesn't work for me. I burn right through it even reapplying every 30 minutes. It's really horrible. It's all the darned red undertones in my hair.
Wear sunscreen in the tanning bed. They're just as bad, if not worse, than real sun. Short stints spread out over a few weeks. Then lots of sunscreen on your trip of course. And a floppy hat.
You are going to have sooo much fun!!
oh mish!!! I love the way you are realising how things work...
He is opening up and you are letting him. Maybe some us had to realise that when we let them, instead of chasing them around, they do take steps towards us, not away from us.
I am so happy for you sweets. I want the best for you.
Love
K
Hi Mish,
It has been a long time and you have been on quite the roller-coaster ride, but love that it is in a decent set of turns at the moment. I often think back to the advice you gave me - re giving advice to self, haven't followed it enough, but thought about it. I'm trying to figure out how to start one Zumba class a week -- 900 calories -- that is amazing. I'm in the worst shape of my entire life. Sounds like it is time for you to dust the DB book off (or load it to your kindle) and practice some of the techniques--keep these good things going. Glad it is going well.
I like doing a few sessions a week, spread out, to get a mild base tan so I don't spend my time burnt to a crisp. I think doing it every 5 years or so won't hurt anymore than a 2nd degree burn would. Have fun1
Dagny
Hate to give the reminder: I just had skin cancer. I was not a sun child in anyway and always used sunscreen when I knew I was goign to be out. I say don't do it. The scars aren't worth it.
kat
Well and neither is your health. Just saying!
kat
I am possibly the whitest-white girl you may ever come to know. I've been seeing a dermatologist since my 20's to keep an eye on things, and one thing she stressed is that a tan is skin damage. Any tan.
Load up on the sunscreen and then have a GREAT time!!!
Yeah, I decided agaist the tanning. I'm just going to slather myself in more sunscreen than I've ever used in my life and hope for the best! I just don't want to end up miserable.
Big hat - check
Vat of sunscreen - check
I use a natural body tanning moisturiser (think it contains walnut extract)to give a base tan before going away and then.. keep slapping on the factor 20, yes. My moles have gotton huge since being pregnant, really worries me...
oh ps forgot to say, wonderful news about Gabe!! See it works hey, if you leave space for them to step toward you in their own time and under no pressure, they do and its great you always respond so positively.
Ali, don't you find that the lotions with self tanner in them have a nasty smell? I've never found one that I can stand the scent of. I wish they smelled like coconut oil or something.
Stepping forward in love and with dignity intact is hard but I'm finding it worth the risks. My fears pop up every day and I battle them back by reasoning with myself. If anyone ever heard what goes on in my head they would lock me up for sure!! LOL
Had a bit of drama at the end of last week and I'm just now processing it. Gabe decided he had enough of his boss's nonsense and overwork for underpay. He called him on it (i.e. - working 7 days a week, always between 6-12 hours a day depending on what was going on with no overtime or bonuses) and the boss didn't like it one bit. Accusations flew, Gabe called him on those and the boss fired him. Just as well, he was about to quit anyway and had already gone to interview for another job. The firing makes things a little tense though since he doesn't know if this other job will come through.
He was pretty upset on Friday and I was comforting but without trying to fix it like I normally would have. I told him it would be just fine, gave him a hug, and stepped back to let him deal with it. He perked up by the next day and had already talked to the manager at the other job prospect. He's afraid that his former boss just might try to pull some underhanded stuff on him so he's a little nervous, but all in all it's going ok. Just tense.
On a happy note.....less than 3 weeks until the cruise! So looking forward to some sun and downtime. A full week of being waited on and doing nothing I don't want to do sounds like heaven to me!!!
Ali, don't you find that the lotions with self tanner in them have a nasty smell? I've never found one that I can stand the scent of. I wish they smelled like coconut oil or something.
I use the
Hempz lotion that I found at Ulta. It is a little more expensive, but it smells good and works well. It is a pretty natural looking color, not oompa-loompa color!
Good for Gabe for standing up to his boss! I will keep my fingers crossed about the other job!
And very good for you on not trying to fix it for him or taking his mood personally.
I just have to say this because the lawyer in me sometimes escapes..especially now that he's not working there anyways. File a complaint with whoever oversees wage and hours issues in your state. If he was doing that to Gabe, he was probably doing it to others and he needs to have his hand slapped. It'll also act as a CYA if his old boss does decide to be underhanded, Gabe will then be able to say it was in retaliation for filing the complaint, which would get his old boss and the company in big trouble.
I haven't tried the tanning lotions, I have noticed they do smell a bit odd though from being around them. Not enough to put me off them though.
You are going to have so much fun!!!!
Good job handling Gabe's work situation. I bet he gets a new job sooner vs later.
Yay you for the cruise...you and Kat have me jealous. I wanna go somewhere!
Hey Mish.. Michelle's idea sounds like a good one, afterall the law is there to protect workers rights hey.
As for the cruise.. isnt it really expensive!?? I have £750 of holiday vouchers so was looking to book a P&O cruise out of Southampton UK for us and baby, but wow they cost alot!! Easily £1000 each for a weeks cruise round the Med???
Not so expensive for a Western Caribbean. Total for both of us including shore excursions in every port was about $2300.00 (about 1436.00GBP). If I had not booked the shore excursions our total was $1720.00 (1074.00GBP). It's 7 nights in a balcony cabin. SO EXCITED! Now cruises going to more exotic destinations (the Med, Baltic, South America, Hawaii, Tahiti) are MUCH more expensive. Keep in mind I also got a discount because I booked it through our agency so I payed net (the amount less the agency commission) so I saved about $200 total. Every little bit helps.
It was totally worth spending part of my tax refund. We haven't had a true vacation in almost 9 years!
Well, the state if Georgia says that if you voluntarily worked the hours knowing that you would not be paid overtime then the company does not have to follow the labor law. Gotta love the South. You don't work the overtime, you lose your job. You work the overtime, you get screwed. Really messed up huh?
"Stepping forward in love and with dignity intact is hard but I'm finding it worth the risks. "
!!!
Awwwww....thanks OT!!!! I'm learning!!!! Stubborn as I am, I can be taught.
That's bizarre. Most states won't accept "voluntary" because there's the implied threat of being fired if you don't. States that do usually require a signed consent. That totally [censored]!
Ah well.
I'm sure Gabe will get the job thing sorted out. He's done it before, he'll do it again.
And YAY for vacation!!!!!! What a deal!!!!
Ah, so it is still quite alot then if £1400 each for a week, but wow it will be worth it! I saw a cruise all up the fjords of Norway for about that, which we would LOVE to do, but maybe not with a baby
I just want to go to Greece if I'm brave enough. I love it there, I could easily retire and go live there and funnily enough everyone in my family feels the same.. my aunt and uncle go for at least a month each year, my sister wants to live there, my parents have been lots of times. Whats not to love about Greece!? Plus I love that they were so civilised and smart, whilst we were still living in mud huts and slaying each other in a Nordic heathen stylee.
Whats not to love about Greece!? Plus I love that they were so civilised and smart, whilst we were still living in mud huts and slaying each other in a Nordic heathen stylee.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
So funny, but true! We were all a bit primitive for a long time weren't we?
Yes, it's not a 'cheap' vacation but it is totally worth it. Getting a vacation for a week for two including all meals for 2 for under $2000 is really a bargain especially during spring break when EVERYONE with kids is traveling.
Gabe has a 2nd interview with a job prospect tomorrow. Prayers appreciated!!!!!
ROTFLMAO. That's too funny.
That'll be awesome! You and Marc must be so excited!
*fingers crossed* (and toes!) for Gabe!
4 more work days!!!!! I'm beyond excited!
We are mostly packed. I hope I don't forget anything.
Things have continued to be good between Gabe and I. Every day it feels a little more like the early days of our R and M. Honestly, that scares the bejeezus out of me! I feel far too vulnerable and that makes me want to run and hide. It's a constant fight within myself to stop that.
There are things I really do need to talk with him about. Not TO him but WITH him. I need to understand more about what happened between us and what I did that pushed him out the door and into her arms. I have an idea of a couple of things but I need to understand.
There has to be a safe time to discuss these things openly or else what kind of a R is this. I don't want to hurl blame, I don't want to rehash wrongs, I genuinely have a need to understand his frame of mind at the time. Trust can only be rebuilt fully if he is willing to open up to me and vice versa.
What do you guys think?
WOOT!
As long as you have keys, wallet, cell phone, passport, and tickets, everything else you can buy along the way!
As for Gabe, I'm glad to hear everything is going well. You guys have come so far!
I think the distinction of talking with him instead of to him is very important. I don't think talking this stuff over with him will be easy, and it might cause some rocky days. But, it is important to be able to move forward, and those things do need to be addressed.
I always liked MWD's suggestion of setting aside a time to talk over those issues and setting a limit on how long that conversation could last. Maybe you can first ask him about setting aside a time to talk over those issues, let him decide on a time and place and make it clear that you just want to understand and move forward.
2 more work days!!!!! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can........
Well...
I need to understand more about what happened between us and what I did that pushed him out the door and into her arms.
I'm not sure its just that Mish... sure there would have been issues that allowed space for him to act out.. in the context of your then R, but in my experience of A's/WAH.. its also to do solely with that person, something in them just cant help it at the time, or its indicative of some childhood issues or current depression/unhappiness in life, or just a rite of passage.. I dont know, not explaining well, but its certainly not ALL to do with the R you two were in.
Otherwise, if it was JUST the R.. he wouldnt have been flip flopping around back then (do you remember, he never did seem done?).. and he wouldnt be back now. When your done, you're DONE and Gabe never was.
True statements Ali. I think you are right, he wasn't ever really done.
There are still so many questions, fears, and doubts but I'm working through them.
I'm outta here for a whole week!!!! Try not to miss my musings too much.
LOL!!!
HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEST TRIP EVER!!!!
I hardly ever saw Marc the entire week with the exception of the shore excursions we had planned and the two times I managed to drag him to dinner with me in the dining room. He met so many kids on board and he made so many friends from all over the country. He was texting them all the way home yesterday. He told me on day two that we absolutely had to do this again next year. We'll see.....
I had a little bit of a rough time the first couple of days because I was feeling a little lonely. I didn't have anyone to talk to and sitting alone reading my book out in the sun was making me feel pathetic. After the second day though I decided that was exactly what I needed to do. Just sit and be quiet with myself. It was really good in the long run.
So glad it went well for you, Mish. You so deserve it!
I am sure most people are thinking how lucky you were. Enjoying your book, the beautiful weather...peace. So glad you had a good time. Happy/sad when the young birds start testing their wings. S15 is moving faster, more openly than S18. Either way it will be bittersweet. Enjoy it while you can.
kat
Thats brilliant news about Marc! You must have loved seeing him being so open and happy and making friends like that.
Glad you got a good rest, so question is.. do y'reckon gabe missed you???
Glad you had fun!!!!!!!! Wish I could have been with you instead of stuck playing Army lol. Sounds like a little time to just be with yourself worked out great!
Dreading tomorrow.
At the age of 40 every woman in my family has a massive medical crisis. I'm hoping I can be the one to break the cycle.
Look how much you have accomplished so far....you WILL defy the odds. Cause that's just who you are...
Love ya!
(((((Mish))))
Have the most incredible birthday ever! Don't let everyone else's history get you down. Love ya!
kat
Thanks guys! I'm working hard to try not to repeat my family history!!! So far so good.......LOL
My co-workers are the funniest bunch of people! They took an add out in the local paper with the picture I made the mistake of sending them about 7 years ago when I was at Disneyworld playing with a picture machine at Epcot. I turned a picture of myself into an alien with all these crazy things and it has haunted me ever since. They also posted that picture on the front door of our office building so strangers are stopping in to see "the alien" and they have decorated my desk to the hilt with 40's everywhere! LOL
I'm going out tonight with one of my best friends to have Italian (instead of going to Italy like we dreamed...sigh), movies to see Water for Elephants, and then to a new pub that has live music. YEA!
All in all a very nice birthday planned...other than the having to work on my birthday! LOL
Ah well. At least your birthday is on a Friday so you can live it up the whole weekend long!
(((Michelle)))
Sounds like you are having a blast so far! ENJOY every minute of it!!!
What fun co-workers you have!!! Enjoy your day and your weekend!!!
Enjoy!! And, tell us how the movie is! I love Reese Witherspoon...
Happy Happy Birthday!
The movie was very good. It stuck fairly close to the book so I was pleased. I can't stand it when they totally take a book apart to make a screenplay out of it.
We didn't make it to the pub. We were just too tired by the end of the movie.....a couple of old fogies! LOL!!!
Hope you all are having a marvelous Easter!
Hope you had a good Easter!!!
Hey Mish! I will have to read the book first then...glad you enjoyed it...
There have been a lot of things rattling around my head that I'm having a hard time with. There is no definition to my life as I see it and I don't take very well to that. There are so many choices I've made that have led me to this place but they were my choices and I need to learn to live with them since they can't be undone.
Do you ever look back on your life and wonder what happened? I do....every day. In the distant past I had dreams and plans and I threw them all away for the hope of building a family. I achieved that goal and then lost part of it. I'm grateful every day for my son even though he drives me past the point of sanity SO often.
What's missing? A future. I can't see one at all and it's making me so sad to know that. I need a new career but can't find a way to accomplish that. I need to feel secure but that isn't possible. I know what I need, but can't find a way to get any of it. I think I've given up trying.
So what now?
Mish, I think when you've lost a R (and even if it returns)it brings home the fact that nothing is ever really safe! We build our lives around things and R's and then when they fall apart we feel vulnerable, insecure and have to deal with uncertainty. I know myself the uncertainty drives me nuts, but I also know that it's a reality and I have to figure out how to live with it. When I was married my life felt planned and secure, I didn't really think about the future because my present was enough. Now, I don't have that in the way I did before. The future stares me in the face and I'm always thinking about how to deal with it. In your case, you have a stressful R with your spouse and the loss of your mother not too long ago. That's a lot. That R with a parent is again one of those rocks we build our lives around. We know one day they wont' be there but when it happens it's like we never realized it could happen! You spent a great deal of time looking after your Mom, it was a major focus of your life for a good long time and now it's gone. What to do? It brings up questions which I think you're now pondering. So, maybe just sit back for a bit and pray that the answers will come. Sometimes the more pressure we put on ourselves to move forward the harder it becomes! I hope I'm making some sense here.
Just remember that life has a way of happening while we are making other plans. Of course you have a future - everyone does. But you will have opportunities presented to you naturally and the choices you make will determine that future. You can also be ProActive and get out there and get some things going. But take a hard look at yourself. Rethink your hopes and dreams. Reevalute your strengths and the things you enjoy. In short - get clear with yourself but don't sell yourself short.
I took some chances. Made some choices. Made more changes. And it feels good.
Hugs!
Barb
You know, sometimes we just don't end up where we think we will. That is okay. We get to where we are supposed to be regardless. Ithink I told you guys about this lady I met while I worked at the bank. I had just started a new position of opening accounts and she was one of the first people I helped. Her husband was cheating and left her and as you can imagine she was a mess. She kept breaking down (boy do I understand that now)!
Anyway, I ran into her last Spring. I remembered her name and everything and she remembered that she knew me from the bank. She said it took her a couple of years, and then she started to feel better. Finally about three years out she found it within herself to forgive her ex and the OW. Shortly after she had someone throw her a surprise birthday party...it was her boss. His marriage had failed a bit earlier and she had never thought of him as anything more than her boss, though obviously, they were friends and had talked each other through stuff.
Turns out he was attracted to her and wanted to date her. They have been married a few years now and she can't believe marriage was able to be sooo good.
The idea here while it suits us all to a T, is that she hadn't a clue where she would end up. she got herself to where she felt good. She let go of the anger and forgave. I have a feeling she also managed to forgive herself as well. Then doors began to open, or perhaps they had been open a while but she was so hurt she wasn't able to see what was available to her. I believe that is true for many of us.
Hope this true story helps you. kat
Thanks kat. That is a great story and one to keep hold of to know that sometimes things do work out.
Awkward moment tonight at the gym.....my L showed up to sign up for membership. I haven't seen her since we signed the final papers 2 1/2 years ago. She kept looking at me but we both kind of avoided the subject when I was leaving the gym and walked past her. Her friend that was with her stopped me to ask if I worked for a certain company and struck up a convo. It just felt so strange standing there next to the woman that helped me with the legal end of my M.
AWKWARD!!!
Everything does work out. Just not necessarily the way we planned. There is always a silver lining, you just have to look harder for it sometimes than others.
The only thing in life that is guaranteed is that things will change. It's just part and parcel of being mortal. It's not comfortable, but it's unavoidable unfortunately.
That is way too funny about running into your L. Guess it really is a small world.
In some ways I guess it's proof that M can be just a piece of paper and that the underlying love and commitment is a separate issue.
OUCH!!! Pulled a hamstring in zumba tonight! I have the gym tomorrow and zumba again Thursday. Any quick fixes from you athletic peoples out there????
Ouch!
Gentle stretching.
Ibuprofen to relieve the pain and swelling.
And something topical. Tiger Balm or Ben Gay are okay (problem is they pull too much blood to the surface instead of leaving it down in the muscle because of that warming sensation they give). Topricin is my absolute favorite. Traumeel is also good. You'll have to go somewhere a little less mainstream to find them, Rite Aid probably doesn't stock them. Also, any cream you can find that is Arnica based (which is one of the main ingredients in Topricin and is great for relieving bruising).
You can also find Traumeel in tablets at some health food places and co-ops and such. You can take that in addition to using Topricin cream.
AWESOME! I'm going to have to look for that. We have several naturalist stores in the area. They may have that. I'll call.
THANK YOU SO MUCH MICHELLE!
(((Mishka)))
Oh, and take it easy on it! LOL. Enough movement and activity to keep it from stiffening up too bad, but not enough to aggravate the injury.
I have been staying quiet and just absorbing and processing things but there have been so many triggers in the last couple of weeks that have been set off and I'm pretty stuck.
Gabe has been working at a restaurant evenings. He likes the job and the tips are pretty good. He has met some people there and one night last week he called me to tell me he would be late coming home because he was going to a farewell party for one of the guys at work. Late was 2:30am on a weeknight. I had to be up early for work the next morning but couldn't sleep. My mind immediately started replaying times he lied to me and told me he was going to a friend's after work or was working late but he was really going to the broom's house.
Tonight I told him I was going to a zumba party at a local restaurant and wouldn't be home until after midnight. He then told me he was going to a birthday party for one of the guys from work tonight and he probably would just stay there so he didn't have to drive home after having some drinks. Again....trigger. Again....what he used to tell me when he was really going to the broom's.
He knew I was upset when he told me this. He called me to tell me and I got quiet. He asked me if I was going to be mad and I told him no. I mean, seriously, what right do I have to be mad? I have no commitment from him, no promises, nothing. It's not my job to police him but that doesn't stop me from being upset by the situation. I can't talk to him about anything that involves my feelings or emotions at all and I'm feeling very shut down. I walk on eggshells all day, every day because I'm in constant fear that I'm going to say or do something that is going to make him angry and he'll run away.
Would that matter? In some ways I'd be better off. My emotions would calm down and I could exist in my little cocoon. On the other hand, Marc would be horribly upset by it and that is just not fair to him. Just because I'm miserable in so many ways doesn't mean I should open my big fat mouth and rip his dad out of his life.
There really is no good solution for this. I've made my bed, I allowed this situation, I allow him to treat me like this because somewhere deep inside I don't feel like I deserve anything better.
This all sounds horribly maudlin and whiny. I'm sorry. Just venting and hoping that will exorcise some demons.
I can tell you for certain and for sure that the R you have now will not last if you maintain the status quo.
You have got to change yourself. A whimpering, simpering, resentful, egg-shell walking mate is not attractive. It doesn't feel good to you, and it is probably beginning to wear on Gabe.
And, you can certainly talk to him about whatever you want. You CHOOSE not to.
How about: "Gabe, no, it doesn't make me mad exactly. It makes me feel unsure because you said the same things when you had the A. I have no interest in policing you. At the same time, I don't like feeling insecure. So, reassurance would be great. And, if you can send me pics and dirty texts while you're out, that would be even better."
You HAVE allowed this situation. You have CHOSEN to play the whiny martyr. At least, you made those choices yesterday and the day before. You haven't yet made your choices for today or tomorrow.
I only whine here. Trust me, he has NO idea about any of it. I'm an expert at always looking and sounding like I'm happy happy joy joy at all times. It's pretty rare for anyone to see me upset and I don't talk to anyone about things that upset me.
I'm not saying any of that is a good thing, it's just the way it is and I have tried and tried to change that through lots of therapy but I haven't been able to do it.
I definitely wanted to tell him that I wasn't mad but that I was feeling insecure because some of his actions seem to be the past repeating themselves but I was driving my car with two other people in it. Not exactly something I could talk about freely with other people around. He is an expert at catching me with things at times that are impossible for me to say anything.
Martyr? Nope. I know exactly what I've done and I've done it all to myself. I'm telling it like it is. I don't like it, it is what it is.
Yes, I choose not to talk to him about some things because they will set him off. There is no reason to rock the boat when day to day things are fine.
But you don't want these things to fester. You need to figure out how you want things to be and work towards that. It won't be an overnight process but you will feel so much better once you get going. You are going to need to express your feelings at some point. Not in an accusatory way but let him know that it sets off feelings and memories of the past. Let him reassure you, don't assume all the work is yours. Do this together.
Kat
What exactly deprives you of your "rights" in relation to Gabe? The fact you are not married anymore? What about the fact that you live together, have a child together, make love, tell each other you love each other (if I am not mistaken, etc etc?
Mish, even with a boyfriend of a month relatioship you would be able to express yourself freely. It's all in your head.
*Smack* (seeing any clearer now?)
xxx
K
Ditto to Kat, OT, and Kalni.
If that wasn't a good time, find a better time and just say it!
The more you sweep things under the rug, the harder it is to raise the issue. The longer you let it sit, the sillier it seems to bring it up.
But it doesn't go away.
It's still an issue.
And it needs to be put out in the open and addressed.
You say you choose not to talk to him about things that will set him off, but you are making a ton of assumptions there.
You are assuming things that used to set him off still will. You are assuming that you haven't learned better ways to communicate that will make the discussion productive.
You are also assuming that setting him off is a bad thing! Even if, in the short-term, it results in a flare up, if in the long-term he addresses the issue you've raised, you've still won!
Look back at the times you've thought things were going south, that he would move out again, that you were going to have a huge fight. That night he stormed out.
It wasn't the end.
Don't assume this will be either.
Mish, staying out late may indeed seem like his old ways and that's scary for you, understandably. The issue I see is that he, like many who've had affairs, doesn't want to deal with it. He wants it all to be OK because he's back now. It's hard when the unfaithful spouse doesn't want to acknowledge the damage done to you or the R. That said, can you live with that? Can you continue to live as Ms. happy, happy, joy, joy when you're not feeling that way? It's a choice and you can choose to do something different but either way it's gonna be scary, so which way do you want your life to be lived?
We are spending a whole day together tomorrow. he took a day off work just so that he could be home with me on my day off. We plan to go for a walk around the lake in the morning and then he is taking me to breakfast and a movie (which he suggested and he isn't fond of movies like I am) which shocked the heck out of me because he suggested "Bridesmaids". That is at least part chick flick isn't it? It looks hysterically funny though and very Hangover-like so it should be fun.
I'm thinking that on our walk I'm going to bring up some of the issues I am having and I'll just have to hope he doesn't leave me at the lake. Fingers crossed.
I know I have a choice. I know I'm scared...no...make that petrified. I am NOT good at voicing my feelings especially to Gabe. I'm so non-confrontational that the thought of talking this out with him makes my heart nearly jump out of my chest. It's terrifying.
Wii, you ask if I can continue to live as Ms. happy happy joy joy when I don't feel that way. The short answer is yes. Yes I can. I've done it for about 25 years now. It's become me and it's something I don't believe I can shed.
K, you ask a good question. What deprives me of my 'right' to expect anything from Gabe? Yes, we've told each other "I love you", we live together, and we parent together. We share just about everything and you would think that would make me comfortable enough to speak openly with him. Nope. My brain doesn't work that way.
You said that even after a 1 month R with a boyfriend that I should feel free to speak openly. There has been so much damage that can't be reversed. I learned something from all of this experience and that lesson was "just shut up and suck it up sunshine." Everyone's life is awful, there is no way around that, it is what it is. No one in RL wants or needs to hear about it and when you eventually break and spill they run. That is what comes of being too open and speaking what you feel. Asking for what you need really isn't any better. This is what I've experienced.
All of the above sounds insane. You don't have to tell me or rail at me about it. You think I don't know that? Trust me, I know. I'm so happy for people who are so well adjusted and are able to speak up. Those are the people who succeed and go on to live much more fulfilling lives and have great R's and future M's. I couldn't be happier for all of you who are able to do that. It gives me faith in the ability of the human spirit to heal and thrive. I'm glad that my reality is mine alone. I wouldn't wish living inside my head on ANYONE!!!!!
OK.....enough of this crap!
I did something super fun yesterday. Those of you who are friends on FB should check it out on my wall. I participated in a "Zumba flash mob" at the "Taste of Fayette". I posted a link to the YouTube video from it. There were approximately 120-150 people that participated. The funniest part was seeing the looks on the people's faces that were trapped in the middle of the mob. Too funny!!!!!!!
Mish, it's not "confrontational" to voice how you're feeling and what you might need. He gets to do it too! Of course, when you make yourself vulnerable there is the possibility that you won't get what you want. That is scary...but I'm so glad you're gonna give it a go. Remember, it's not a confrontation!
Not everyone's life is awful. I think the difference is how it is looked at. Bad things happen all of the time but you can look at all the bad things and be miserable and tell yourself nothing good will happen...and then it probably won't. Or bad things happen, take each thing as it comes. It isn't the end of the world, I can hamdle it. I have saved a bit aside just in case of an emergency, good now I don't need to panic. Just two different ways to look at things.
Going through the divorce it did feel as if everything was going wrong at once. As I got to feeling better and finding a better state of mind, I realize it is just life. Things happen and it is my job(oh joy!) to handle them. It the Grand Scheme of things: my life is better is many ways but I still have some things to deal with...mostly just stuff like everyone else.
You had something awful happen to you. I would give anything to be able to take that away. But if you let those thoughts/fears/memories stop you, they win. The bad guys will have taken away your life because they are controlling how you live it with fear. Don't let them win hon. You are worth so much more than that.
hugs, kat
So Mish, how did it go? Spill!
Nothing to spill. I got tongue tied and couldn't spit it out.
Opportunity lost.
We had a lovely day though. Went for a walk around the lake, went to a late breakfast together at a favorite restaurant and went to see "Bridesmaids" which is totally hysterical. He was nothing but fun and kind all day and it felt so good I couldn't ruin it.
It wasnt an opportunity lost.. it wasnt the right time. I thought when I read your earlier post.. oh no, not that day.. he had taken a day off and planned what sounded like a romantic day out.. so that was thoughtful and the kind of thing that builds good memories, you wouldnt want to sour that with an R talk.
You've got to pick your moment and there will be others. Perhaps one weekend or evening when your son isnt about?
I still dont 'get' why you are so afraid to voice any feelings or thoughts to Gabe.. he came back and he's still there all this time later.. I think that 'phase' of your R is over and wont be repeated. I see it astrologically.. same for my H, he was in a grip of a powerful Venus-Pluto transit when he met Helen at work, left me and became very withdrawn and obsessive.. he went down, mentally, spiritually, morally... but he's back up because Pluto has moved on by (never to return). I can only say that intuitively I see that Gabe went through something similiar and you too (although I dont know what played out to symbolise it, astrologically)... so thats what comforts me.. I dont know if you can view it that way for yourself.. it was a phase, a rite of passage, a coming of age..
You sound like you are expecting it to all happen again at ANY moment, but I really dont view your R that way hun.
Al xxx
I can't put it any better than Kat, so I won't.
As for not speaking up, I am glad you had a wonderful day. Those memories are wonderful to make and have. I can totally understand not wanting to even risk spoiling it.
I find that I just need to force myself to address things quickly. If I don't, I bury them. I need to take just enough time to think over what I want to say and then just do it.
(((Mishka)))
Ok. Did it.
We had about 30 minutes alone together this evening between running around and stuff I finally told him I needed to talk to him for a few minutes about last Friday.
I told him that I didn't really have the opportunity to answer him when he asked me if I was mad about him going out and possibly staying out all night. I told him I wasn't exactly mad so much as that brought up all of my own insecurity, fears, and demons. He immediately said, "I thought so. I could tell you were very uncomfortable and I was pretty sure I knew why." I told him that all in all I would prefer brutal honesty over having to constantly wonder what is going on. I also talked to him about the way he gives me answers when I ask a question because it bothers me terribly. He has always been very evasive in answering most questions even if they are totally innocuous. Example....last night he was sitting in the bedroom filling out a job application. I asked him what it was for and he just said, "A job." Umm...yeah. I get that. Where? "A place." Oh goody...we're going to play 20 questions. UGH. That is how it is. It's like pulling teeth. I told him it upsets me and I would just like a quick, to the point straight answer. He told me he hadn't really thought about it and just thought he was being amusing.
That is talked out. I will need to move forward to a real R talk at some point in the near future but it will wait.
Good for you. I bet it wasn't nearly as scary as you had it made out in your head.
So remember this next time you need to have a talk and I am sure it will go just as well. Remember that neither one of you can read minds.
Kat
Mish, you did great...and none of your fears came true! Good work.
Sweetie, that IS a real R talk. Just because it wasn't about what you think is THE big issue doesn't negate the fact that you had a productive conversation about R issues.
That's great that you talked. And really great that you feel it is talked out and time to move on from it.
Great job!
Thanks! I'm just moving along and not dwelling on anything. Life is FAR too short to allow myself to feel tied up in knots on a daily basis. Either he will stay and be a man and listen to my feelings when I need to express them because something is hurting me (or conversely because something is making me happy) or he won't. That is just NOT my problem.
Yes, that is my everyday speech to myself but putting it into practice is HARD!!!
I took Marc and a friend of his to see the new Pirate's movie Friday night. What a blast! If you go, make sure you stay through them entire credits because there is another short scene after that.
Gabe has a lead on getting back into law enforcement before they finish reviewing his appeal. That makes me very apprehensive but it's just the demons speaking up again. All those old fears and traumas STINK!!!!
Keep saying it! That's a great mantra to have.
How fun about the movie! I want to go see that. I will keep that extra scene in mind.
Thanks for the tip!
As much as I completely understand your apprehension, I'm sure you don't want him working these crappy jobs the rest of his life either. Getting his career back would be a big step for him in feeling better about himself and his life, feeling like he's getting back on his feet. Also moving on from the mistakes he made that led to him losing his job in the first place.
While I certainly understand the association you have, it seems to me that he had a lot of years in law enforcement prior to the depression and affair right? So, maybe you can look at it as a return to the good times, rather than as a precursor to another blow up?
THANKS!
Yes, he was in law enforcement for a long time before all of that occured. He didn't start to change really until about a year and a half before the bomb. I really hope this pans out for him but he's trying hard not to get his hopes us and I'm just being encouraging without being over the top about it.
He does feel like he destroyed everything good he had in his life because of his depression and poor choices. I don't baby him and tell him he's wrong, I don't reassure him that everything is ok, because it isn't. It will never be the same again but I think that makes it that much more important to face facts and build something new.
We'll see.....
He had another interview today. Next step. We'll see!!!
Had to share this with you all today! A friend sent this to me and it made me laugh so hard I was crying!
Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b!tch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - buy some Coronas.
12. Forget about the perfect man - he's living in San Fran with his boyfriend.
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there'
'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
Yay for not babying him and doing things different.
Double YAY for job interviews!!!
And OMG that last one is FUNNY!!!! I might steal that!
Steal away girl! That made my day on an otherwise cruddy one!
First, my golf cart was stolen right from the front of my house in broad daylight yesterday between 10:30a and 12:30p.
Second, two older women who live at the other end of our subdivision and drive by our house every day on their golf cart had stopped by the other day to ask about the stain on the street. Gabe's car has a slow oil leak that he hasn't been able to find and can't afford a mechanic to fix. It has left a trail on the street where he turns around and a stain under his car where he parks. She is one of those old busy bodies that has nothing better to do and decided to call code enforcement about it. GIVE ME A BREAK! Ooohh...heaven forbid...there is a little oil on the street. It's asphalt! Get over it! It's not like it's actually causing any kind of danger or being tracked anywhere. It's drops. Now I have a fine from the city for "defacing public space" and orders to not park the car on the street anymore and to put kitty litter down on it. The kitty litter will make a bigger mess than the oil. STUPID! Sometimes it's great living in an affluent area and other times it's just ridiculous. Of course, living in one of the lowest crime cities of it's size in the country didn't save my darned golf cart!! ARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!
Third, a vicious storm hit here right as I left work last night. I thought for sure I was going to be blown off the road or a tree was going to come down on me. I got lucky and made it home without getting killed but a couple of women driving on the north side of Atlanta were not so fortunate and a tree blew down on top of their convertible Miata and killed them instantly. So sad. I encountered two very large pine trees down across the road on my way home and had to divert but thankfully I missed them actually coming down.
Missed Zumba because of the storm too and that just irked me. I count on that as a stress reliever.
One last bit of nonsense. I finally found Marc's proposed class load from his counselor last night (school gets out today) and discovered that they did not implement what we had discussed in his IEP. He was supposed to have weight lifting (to keep physical activity in his day which helps him focus), study skills, English, math, math support and world history. Instead they put him in social skills, math, math support, English, world history and physics! No gym class and social skills instead of study skills.
That is just setting him up to fail. He had a hard enough time passing his TWO academic classes this year. I have contacted his autism triad coordinator and his counselor. We'll see.
Just a wild and crazy day overall.
Just checking on ya (((hugs)))
when it rains it pours sometimes...but then it gives way to clear blue skys and sunshine- The Weather Channel
Sorry about the golf-cart! I hope you find it. I wonder if someone mixed theirs up with yours, they all look kinda the same
Tell the city you're outraged because here you are recycling the oil and returning it back to the earth and they're complaining...dig dig dig is that the only solution for this country?
Although it might be more practical to just stick a cardboard or a drip pan under the car- and then tp the lady's house
I like the way you think IR!!! LOL
Well, I actually found my golf cart myself. Totally freaky too.
I went to pick up Marc from school at 1pm yesterday. We went back to the school for graduation at 6:30p last night. Sometime between 1pm and 6:30p the piece of crud teenagers that stole the golf cart (I assume) wrecked it on the side of the road leading into the school complex. Busted the axle, wrecked the front passenger side, ripped out the ignition, and messed up the batteries. Yup, pretty much done in. One of my neighbors owns one of the golf cart repair companies in town and his driver went and picked it up this morning. He'll call me with an estimate next week. BLECH!
I would SOOOOOO love to to go tp her house, egg it, and sit in front of it until I find every code violation she has!!!!
Wow. Crazy. Time to lock the keys up I guess. Must've been teenagers. Who else would joyride in a golf cart? LMAO.
YAY for graduation!!!
Just go to any Napa/Auto Zone/ whatever and buy a cheap metal drip pan. Never hurts to have one laying around anyways. They can also double as sleds in the winter.
What b!tchy neighbors!
All true Michelle. The problem with golf carts is that they use universal keys so they can use any key for any EZ-GO golf cart and it will work. Heck, you don't even need that. My cousin's daughter started theirs when she was 2 years old with a pair of safety scissors and was doing doughnuts in the front yard!!!
Yeah, we're going to have to deal with the oil. It's just so cruddy of the neighbor to do that.
Got an estimate today on the cost to repair the cart. Since my neighbor is the owner of the repair shop he cut me a deal using used parts off a newer model cart he had at the shop that someone gave him. $550!!! Down from $970 using new parts. ICK!!!!
Well, that's a lot better than new parts. Maybe Gabe can drive the golf cart to work for a while til he can work on the car.
He may be able to take the golf cart for a while. He started a new job within the city limits this morning. 6:30a-whenever (usually 3p or 4p depending on how busy). That would mean he'd have to leave the house at about 6:00 to make it on time. Lovely...LOL. At least it's full time and more hourly so that's good. He still has his fingers in the door at the sherrif's department and is hoping that comes through soon.
I keep hearing this song and it speaks volumes to me. I thought I would share it here for anyone who feels this way. Hopefully it can be their new anthem like it mine.
Perfect by Pink
Perfect (Clean version) Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good, it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less then perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're perfect to me!
You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look how big you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same
Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less then perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
It's longer than that but it cut it off for some reason and I hit enter before I realized it! LOL
The link has all the words though.
You get the idea.
Very cool on the new job. Yay for shorter commutes. Fingers crossed about the sheriff job.
That's a great song.
Does it remind you more of yourself or of Gabe?
It definitely makes me think of myself. I try very hard to have positive self talk but that does not come naturally at all. My self talk has always been horrible and negative. I am SUPER good at bashing myself for everything from the way I look, what I deserve, where my life is or isn't going, what I eat, etc....it's not good. This song reminds me to stop being so hyper critical of myself and just try to enjoy what I have.
It doesn't feel right because it's not what you're used to. It's called "cognitive dissonance" and whenever we try to do something new e.g. positive self talk it just doesn't feel right somehow. That's where practice, patience and persistence come in. After a while, it will feel right. hey, when you started Zumba I'll bet part of you was saying "this isn't right, I can't do this, my body just isn't made for this!" but you pushed through and now you're having a hoot. Don't quit your positive self talk just because it doesn't feel right!
Thanks Wii! I'm working at it.
Just this morning I was blow drying my hair, getting ready to go to my WW meeting and the negative thoughts started in my head. I couldn't talk my way around them so I sang that song in my head to get around it. Heck, it worked!
Ugh! Doing it again.
Gabe called me on his way home from work this afternoon and was chatting. He said he was thinking about going fishing this afternoon but it was so darned hot so he was going to go do some night fishing with his buddy instead.
That started the spiral. That was what he used to tell me sometime when he was going to meet the broom. He was going to they gym (for 4-5 hours!), he was meeting up with the guys to play pool and have drinks (but he would come home stone sober and distant). All those old feelings just shot back to the surface. He could tell something was wrong with me and I wasn't happy about him going fishing for that long. 1-2 hours is long enough but he's talking until 11 or 12 tonight. It's just too long and I'm SO uncomfortable. I can't tell him why so I just said it was fine.
I feel so bad for not trusting him but there is too much history. When he could tell that I was upset he said, "What's the problem? It's not like when you go out with your friends I ask you when you're going to be back or get all upset about it." I wanted SO badly to just say "I don't have a history of 'going out with friends' only to be off screwing someone else". I bit my tongue so hard to keep from doing that! This is just darned hard! I hate it!
How do I keep sucking up my feelings like this? If I tell him what I feel I'm afraid he will see it as an attack against him.
Any advice would be appreciated. I've been crying off and on for the last 3 hours and I'm exhausted.
This stinks!
Ummm, I think you need to tell him that is a trigger for you. If he doesn't know what that means, explain it and then he will maybe begin to understand. He isn't going to get it if you leave him in the dark.
Kat
It's entirely my own problem though. I either have to find a way to handle the emotion or I just have to let him go. It isn't fair to him for me to dump my emotional crud on him is it?
It is fair for him to understand why his actions make you upset. How can he help you get past this if you dont give him the chance? This is an issue for both of you. Quit making this just your problem.
kat
When he asked what's the problem you could have said exactly what was going through your mind. He's probably sitting their trying to guess.
It's entirely my own problem though
Uh no it's a problem that he bought and laid at your feet, with his cheating, you didn't pull this "trigger" problem out of thin air.
Explain when he tells you he will be hanging out with his friends your fears, because these are the same excuses he used when he was cheating, you didn't have triggers then because he gave you no reason not to trust him, since that trust is broken and calling you and telling you the same plans that he used for his cheating brings you back to that place again.
If he gets mads then he still does not get what he did to you and your son, and his behavior really has not changed (imo)
It is fair for him to understand why his actions make you upset. How can he help you get past this if you dont give him the chance? This is an issue for both of you. Quit making this just your problem.
Hell yes!
Uh no it's a problem that he bought and laid at your feet, with his cheating, you didn't pull this "trigger" problem out of thin air.
And yes!!!!!
Obviously you don't want to just go off on him. Yelling or accusing him or going back to those behaviors would be rash and unproductive. But it would be a good thing to say, it triggers very bad memories and emotions for me when you say X because that was an excuse you used when you were having your affair. You need to explain where you are coming from. He can't be sensitive to the issue if he doesn't know what the issue is.
Keep singing your song. We all have to break out of the bad habits somehow!
When he asked what's the problem you could have said exactly what was going through your mind. He's probably sitting their trying to guess.
Yes, I know that is the case. I've unfortunately been conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just suck it up. When I try to force how I feel out of my mouth I literally get choked on the words. My throat closes and I actually gag. Bad, bad,bad. After being shut down for so long it's physically painful to try to open up. No, this did not happen due to the D. This happened throughout my life and our early M'd years.
Even after quite a lot of therapy that is something I haven't been able to break through. There was a time where I made a pretty good start at it and then Gabe came back and my mind went haywire and the eggshell walking began again. It's so hard to break away from that now too. Always living in fear has become so exhausting.
What the heck do I fear? I have no idea! I know I can survive just about anything. Does it matter if he leaves again because I spoke my mind? NO! Logically, my brain knows that is his problem, not mine. Actually applying that is another subject though. Something in my subconscious stops me. I'm not sure how I unbury what that is and get past it.
Still singing my song! This morning it was especially loud!!! LOL!
"Even after quite a lot of therapy that is something I haven't been able to break through. There was a time where I made a pretty good start at it..."
Sounds to me like you are getting back to your good start and getting close to moving forward again :-)
This is the best thing for you and your R.
And, FWIW, being withholding in the way you are PREVENTS Gabe from having the opportunity to love you in a deeper way. It is a roadblock to intimacy.
Even after quite a lot of therapy that is something I haven't been able to break through. There was a time where I made a pretty good start at it and then Gabe came back and my mind went haywire and the eggshell walking began again.
Old habits are VERY hard to break. The nice part about the D and the therapy was that you had new space in which to work on yourself, you were forced into new habits and patterns because the situation changed so drastically. But now you have Gabe back and no therapist, so it is harder to work on breaking those old patterns.
But you have accomplished a lot!
You have moved from unconscious incompetence in communicating those things to conscious incompetence. You are aware of what you want to work on, the patterns you want to change.
You just need to keep progressing towards conscious competence, which you do every time you address one of these issues like you have done!
And then, in the future, you can look forward to unconscious competence where you don't have to come on here and plan what to say and agonize over it in advance, you will be able to just do it!
You have made progress. Don't beat yourself up about the pace, just focus on the steps you have taken. And keep moving forward, one step at a time. It's scary, but you are worth it!
(((Mishka)))
Could you write it down for him to read? Ask him to take a look at it when it is a good time for him, and tell him you hope that he can start the conversation (make sure it is a good time for you, too!).
Another trick that works with serious convos and teens is to talk in the car - no eye contact relieves some of the pressure...
After 2.5 years of being on reduced work weeks at my office we are finally getting our full time hours back. Now we need to know if we're getting our week of vacation back that we lost. UGH.
Thank heavens though. That two days a month has really hurt badly.
WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(((Mishka)))
Hey! I have a tip for any of you who do Zumba or are considering it. DUCT TAPE!
WTH does duct tape have to do with aerobics? Simple. A strip of duct tape down the middle part of the ball of your sneaker will allow you twist more freely and greatly reduces the torque on your knees.
That is my Ms. Fix-it tip of the day! LOL
That's an awesome idea!
How's the being back at work full-time going? Any word on those vacation days yet?
I've often found taping my mouth, rather than my shoes, to be quite helpful!
I thought you were going to suggest taping down "the girls," since there is a lot of bouncing involved.
I thought you were going to suggest taping down "the girls," since there is a lot of bouncing involved.
Oh boy, my girls won't be bound down like that! LOL I actually wear two sports bras though. One that is by Danskin that is made for high impact sports and another one that is one size too small but doesn't have quite the amount of spandex in it, more cotton so the girls can breathe a little.
Wii, I don't think there is enough duct tape in the world for my mouth!!!! HA!
So far, so good on the full-time hours. I haven't been able to ask about the vacation days yet since the owner left the country for two weeks right after telling us about getting our hours back. I'll have to approach her when she gets back.
I've often found taping my mouth, rather than my shoes, to be quite helpful!
Lol I should try that more often!
Glad the full-time hours are keeping you busy. It'll be so nice to be able to breathe again I'm sure. Put a little money away into savings for a rainy day. Get some things done that you've been putting off.
Hope that vacation comes back soon too. Of course, having the boss gone is kind of nice sometimes, it can take the stress down a notch not having someone looking over your shoulder.
Heck, she never looks over my shoulder. She is usually too busy piling her stuff on me!!! It's definitely a nice break to have her gone just so I don't have quite as much work on top of my usual!
Today was a rough one but I think I'm managing to pull through it ok.
Gabe texted me at noon and said that they let him go from his job (that he has only had for a month!) because they felt that "cooking wasn't really his passion". They hired a cook, not a chef!!!! UGH! Ridiculous! Now he's out of a job yet again but stayed surprisingly ok all afternoon. We'll see if the depression hits him like it usually does after a bomb like this.
Then, not even an hour later, I pulled out of my office to drive home for lunch and the broom drove right in front of me and I was stuck right behind her halfway home. My eye literally started to twitch and my hands were shaking. GAG! WTF do I have this reaction to her still? She's nothing. She's less than nothing. But knowing what she once was and the destruction cause because of her involvement makes my crazy apparently.
I'm trying to block it out now but if I blink too long I see her in my mind's eye and it makes me sick.
Has Gabe heard anything from the pd? I think God might have a few doors/windows open for him. Now he just has to pick the right one! Mish don't give the broom a second thought. Gabe came to his senses and he is creating a new life with you.
Big hugs hon, kat
The hurt is going to be there for a long time. Someday it won't and you'll wonder when it went away.
I know the feeling mish, OW often comew to my work, I always find myself ready to ...kill her.
Sorry about Gabe's job, something else will come up, I am sure.
Hugs
S
Can you sent Stella my address thru FB?
I don't have your email address K.
I'm thinking Jeff does though. I'll send him a message and see if he can send it to Stella (and me!!!) LOL.
Gabe went straight to the SO (Sheriff's office) to talk to the major again as soon as it happened yesterday. He wanted to see where in the process they were. Apparently they are waiting to make a move when their new budget comes in on 1JUL (county fiscal year end is 30JUN). He told him he is on the short list. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.
Someone else referred to PTSD symptoms in relation to D and I think they may be absolutely right. At the time I read it I thought that was just an excuse for going a little further over the edge of sanity than most would have but now that I see the reaction I had yesterday I totally believe them! I couldn't believe that I had such a physical response to the remembered trauma. YUCK!
I seriously need a beach and a drink with a little umbrella in it! Instead, I'm headed up to the hills of Kentucky to a lake full of water moccassins in a dry county!!!!!
Re: the Broom, I've frequently run into my She Who Shall Not Be Named's OP when I go over to She Who...'s(that's too damn long a monicker!) place. I have no reaction at all and never give it another thought. I think for you though the broom is still seen as a threat to what you have now, real or imagined. I've lost what I had. Maybe that's the difference, I dunno. Keep your chin up and Zumba away that tension!
I plan on it! Zumba tonight!
We only have one more week of Zumba though and then she is off for a month.
BOO!
wii, just call her Voldemort, it will be easier but the idea will come across. lol
Mish, you could the wii version...though I haven't used mine yet, I have kind of been busy going out with friends!
kat
I have the Wii version and it's lots of fun! It's just harder for me because I feed off of the energy of the class to make it the full hour. At home there are so many things I'd rather be doing.
Grab a friend and do the workout together! You can do it.
Kat
Sorry to hear about Gabe's job. Glad he is trying to remain positive. 1 JULY isn't far away, *fingers crossed*.
I am so glad I haven't run into the SBW in forever. Every time I did I wanted to strangle her. I'm not sure I'd have that reaction anymore though, since she and XH broke up (permanently it looks like). Plus the D is finalized. So though I am still angry at her and XH for showing such a complete lack of respect for our M and me, it's lost some of it's sting.
On the other hand, I do find I am more jealous now. More likely to make nasty assumptions. It's something I really have to struggle with with Roger. I'm sure if XH and I had R I would go ballistic if the SBW ever came near him or me. LOL
But Gabe made his choice. And it wasn't her LOL. So take heart and try not to let her get to you.
As for Zumba, either get a friend to do it with you or post a time and length you will do on facebook to help keep yourself accountable.
Good idea about posting it on FB Michelle. I think I may do that!
Nothing much going on, thank heavens. I'm liking this 'no drama' stuff. I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I talk my way out of them as quickly as possible.
Gabe sent me a funny picture the other day that showed "the difference between men and women". It had cartoon drawings of a very thin, fit woman looking in a mirror and her backside and seeing a huge, fat bottom. Next to it was a drawing of a very overweight man looking in the mirror and only seeing an Adonis.
I laughed and said, "Boy, isn't that the absolute truth?" That started a short convo. Gabe couldn't understand how it could be true that a beautiful woman would look in the mirror and think that. His next words made me cry. He said, "Every woman is beautiful in some way and they should be able to see that."
He is right isn't he? Every person has some sort of beauty even if they can't see it outwardly. I couldn't tell him what I see in the mirror because he wouldn't understand it. I do know though that I have a beautiful soul and that makes up for a lot of other shortcomings.
So, I challenge each of you this week. Don't look in a mirror, just close your eyes and image what your best qualities are. What do you do that makes you beautiful to those around you? Maybe it is a physical attribute, but I'm more inclined to believe that it's those unseen qualities that make us attractive to others.
You know, I've always been okay with my body. But my ex was very much a perfectionist (and kind of fat-phobic) so when I put on some weight after our kids were born and my thyroid went south, he was really bothered by it (we're talking 30 lbs, from quite thin to curvy).
One of the nicest things about post-divorce dating is finding out how many men aren't the least bit concerned by the "flaws" my ex saw. In fact, most men see "boobs" and "butt" and think it's all good! haha
LOL! T&A is what most men of my aquaintance are looking for!
Now this is an interesting discussion.
Well get in on it CTH! What do you think? Skinny, emaciated looking super models or women with real curves?
My rhythm guitarist (who is Italian/Hispanic) permanently endeared himself to me when he told me I needed to "stop losing weight"
WOW! That's a dream come true kml! LOL
Yeah! If he wasn't a happily married man I'd have jumped him right there!
His wife is one lucky woman.
I think I'm getting restless and that is not a good thing for me. I'm feeling a need to get away from everyone for a few days and clear my head and sort through some stuff. Does that sound strange to anyone here? I've never done that before but it occurred to me last night that maybe I can't focus because I have too many distractions going on at home. Of course, knowing my pattern of avoidance, I can see myself parking it on a beach by myself and still not working through anything because I've found other things to distract me.
UGH!
Roger saw a pic of me from the midst of the D when I was at my thinest and he was like, damn you were skinny! (And not in a good way, from the way he said it lol).
I certainly don't aspire to be some supermodel. I aim to eat the most unprocessed healthy foods I can find, in moderation, and work out regularly. I figure the rest will take care of itself.
We all need a break sometimes. Even your big vacation was with Marc, so you haven't really taken much time for yourself. There's something to be said for parking it on a beach lol. Just read and nap and swim. You might be surprised how much you work through when you think you're not doing any work.
It's better to take that time for yourself and get away instead of letting it build up IMO. Otherwise you might end up having a full-blown MLC in a year.
That's what scares me Michelle! The weird, restless, dissatisfied feeling I have is NOT good at all and I feel like I could easily slip into that mindframe! Maybe it's a good thing Gabe already had his so I kind of know what to watch for.
I don't know if it's going to be possible for me to get away before the fall, but I'm going to look at the office calendar and see if there is any time that I could just take a long weekend and go.
My cousin lives in Destin, FL so it would be free to go stay with her but then I wouldn't be alone either. I haven't been to the north Atlantic side of FL, maybe I should do that. Ponte Vedra? Anyone know anything about that part of FL? I really prefer the gulf but I think I would feel bad being near my cousin and not seeing her.
What about just taking a weekend in a hotel by yourself? Just time alone would do you some good.
Kat
St Augustine is a really cool place to visit. It's on the Atlantic side of Florida just south of Jacksonville.
BA
St Augustine was the only place I was able to visit when the Army sent me to Camp Blanding in April. Beautiful old city. I would definitely second that recommendation.
Spent a very nice Sunday morning talking to one of our good pals from here on the board over coffee, that was brilliant! Thanks Ian!
It's been a bit on the crazy side the last few days and I was hoping that would take care of my restless feeling, but it's still hanging on.
Started cleaning out mom's room this weekend. Gabe helped me so that made it a little easier. We pulled all of her clothes out of her closet and went through a few boxes of her things that he had removed from her dresser so Marc could use it (his completely came apart last year and he had been living out of plastic containers since I couldn't spend the money for a new one for him). I found letters that my dad had written to my mom while they were dating long distance, valentine and anniversary cards he gave her, and TONS of pictures. It was quite a walk down memory lane and generated some tears but not as many as I expected. I think I gave it just enough time to keep it from being overwhelming.
This weekend I am taking Marc with me to a family reunion up in Kentucky at a state park. It's a bit of a stretch financially but I haven't been able to go for so long that it's totally worth it. While I'm gone, Gabe is going to run a yard sale for me...YEA! I hate doing them and have been avoiding it like the plague!
St. Augustine is definitely on my short list of places to go in the Southeast. How are the beaches there? That is really more of a priority to me right now than the history even though I love all of that stuff too.
Always nice to see people. Coffee and chitchat sounds like fun.
I think craziness doesn't take care of it, more just distracts from it, which only makes it worse because the underlying cause isn't addressed.
Sounds like things are pretty good though. I'm sure it's difficult going through your mom's stuff, although probably good to start doing that and processing more of it. AWESOME that Gabe will run the yard sale while you are gone!
I didn't go on the beaches at St Augustine as I was only there a few hours, but there are beaches and beach access.
Wish me luck! I'm leaving in about 7 hours to drive up to KY for my family reunion. 3 days of nonstop talking and food...ICK! Talking good, food NOT! I'm taking a bunch of fruit with me so I don't eat the cookies. Fingers crossed!
I enjoyed it myself
St. Augustine is great, the beaches between there and Jacksonville are my cup of tea. Not overly crowded, white sands, and clean.
How did the yard sale go??
The yard sale went pretty well thank you! Gabe kept texting me the profits the whole time until I got up into the mountains and had next to no signal for 3 days. That was interesting! I could sit on my patio outside my room and sometimes get 1 bar...Woo hoo!!!
Thanks for all the advice on the eastern beaches. I really do want to head down to St. Augustine. I'm going to need to plan it ASAP.
The reunion was very nice. They held a memorial service for my mom even though this was my dad's family. They loved her so much and considered her to be the best thing that ever happened to my dad. She was the reason he stopped his 'he11 raisin' ways'. It was so fun to listen to their stories.
I received an email from my aunt, my mom's only surviving sibling. She lives in the San Diego area so I don't get to see her too often. She was asking me how I was doing with being orphaned now...UGH! I try not to think about that. Knowing I have a very large family is great, but not having that older person you've always been able to rely on around is very difficult. She did make two points in her email that have me thinking.
First, she mentioned that I don't usually show how I'm feeling so she's not sure what to say or do to help. She's right, I don't show my feelings. You all know why, I've told you before that through past history and traumas I had to shut myself down to protect myself from further harm. That is something that is now such a part of me that I find it really difficult to change.
Second, she asked me if Gabe and I were back together. She said she had been praying that we would work things out. I wasn't entirely sure how to tell her what was going on so I gave her the same pat answer I give everyone that asks. It's working for me now and when it isn't then I'll change things up. That answer sounds pretty hollow to me now. It's so dissatisfying and is starting to feel like a big cop out.
Why am I still so terrified to talk to him? This really is stupid of me. Of course, why do I feel I need definition to our R? Is it only because we have a history or is it because I feel like I'm at loose ends with him?
I know...broken record. I really should just put my big girl panties on and sit him down for a talk.
For one you are a grown woman totally capable of taking care of yourself. An orphan is a minor without parents to raise them. I am shocked that your own Aunt would say that!
As for Gabe, you can say simply that you are rebuilding your life with Gabe. You don't need to go into more detail than that. I will say he does get huge kudos from me as he just ran a yard sale without you!!! I am sounding like a broken record too...maybe you can break this whole conversation into small parts or you can start out by saying how much his being there has meant to you.
I think you also need to ask yourself what questions do you need answered. Does he see your relationship as different this time? Does he like where you both are at? You might bring up that you are wanting the relationship to become more stable, more romantic, more whatever. Mish, take charge of your life, your relationship and make it what you want. You deserve nothing less.
Hugs, kat
Yes, I am working on this too!
Orphan!?!? Wow. Just wow. That's kinda messed up. Let's not act like it's a normal part of being mortal to lose the previous generations over the years, let's act like you're some little kid who's been abandoned and is unable to take care of herself.
That's a very weird choice of words, I agree with Kat.
As for Gabe, time to do some journaling I think. Figure out what really needs to be discussed. Then break that down again into specific goals. Things to be acted on, things to be said. Then find your time and take a deep breath and go.
(((Mishka)))
Sounds like a fun weekend overall! So neat about the memorial and the break from the normal day to day stuff.
I shall from here on out refer to you as little orphan Mishka.....wtf??????
You don't need big girl panties, just momentum, it all starts with a simple "hey can we talk a bit" build from there
Ian
(((Mishka))) when I read your posts they tell me that Gabe is 'there'. How long has he been back for now? It's been a while hasn't it?
Are there specific words you need to hear from him? If so what are they? Are there specific actions you need? If so what are they?
I think after what we have been through we are all a little extra cautious because I know you are back with Gabe but it really is a second relationship. Whenever I talk to people who have been through divorce as opposed to people who haven't been through that they are always a little more wizened. That is to say, they are a little more cautious and perhaps realistic about the possibilities. It is a shame because I think we lose that ability to express hopes and dreams as much as 1st relationships because we dare not dream them. I don't know if that is just me but we need to find a balance between blind trust and cynicism. or perhaps we need a little of both!
OK Mish, rather than looking at when and why you aren't feeling close to Gabe ('cuz I'm sure you can reel that stuff off in your sleep!)why don't you ask yourself "when do I feel closest to him?". What's happening when you feel that way, how are YOU making it happen and how can YOU make more of that happen.
Btw, check out "How To Improve You Marriage Without Talking About It" by Paticia Love and Steven Stosny...it's Michelle approved!
Wii - I really do need to get that book. Is it from a one sided view or does it require participation of both parties? If that is the case then I'm doomed. He wouldn't participate in anything remotely having to do with improving something that doesn't exist.
Julia - All absolutely spot on comments. Expressing any kind of hope or dream in regards to this R we now have is pretty difficult for me. The fear and cynicism overrides my ability to have hope. The exhaustion is too much sometimes.
In thinking about this and what I would need to hear from him I read my horoscope for today (I never read it but just happened to click it today):
Taurus - You may be looking at a ver small problem as though it's a very large problem. It isn't because it was presented to you incorrectly. It isn't because te way yo discovered the problem was in some way foggy or misleading. Your perception is off most likely because there is a very volatile and emotional situation behind te problem that has distorted it in your eyes. Someone may be trying to make amends, but in the words that person chooses or in the memories the issue brings forth, you are recalling something that upsets you. Step back. Gain some perspective. And then accept the apology that is being offered, even if it isn't direct.
Ok...so....that hit on a few key things.
This past Saturday my landlord came over to have me sign a new lease. Gabe was there when he got there and since he has known us for 10 years he asked, very gently, if we were back together. Gabe was standing right there but didn't answer so I had to. I just said we were working on it and left it at that. It was very uncomfortable feeling.
Later that night I asked Gabe if he was ok with what I had told the landlord and his response was a half-hearted, "Yeah, that was fine. No problem."
No problem? WTF does that mean???? It was an opening an he shut it down faster than if he had actually slammed a door on me. It hurt pretty bad and I'm still stinging from it. Even though he does loving things all day or me and comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me all the time, that cut me to the bone.
So....is it like that crazy horoscope said? Or is it really as bad as it feels to me?
Mishka, when he was gone you kind of pulled yourself back together didn't you. It was Gabe falling apart. Then he comes back and it seems you've fallen to pieces again.
You have to find the Mishka who was fine without Gabe. You're coming off as clingy. What you said to the landlord was fine. Asking Gabe if it was OK was clingy.
I think you were hoping Gabe would take the opening to make some huge declaration of love. From what I can see, guys rarely do that. Your happiness shouldn't depend on what he says, thinks or does. You are your own person responsible for you. Isn't your main love language Acts of Service(if not it certainly is Gabe's as that is how he is showing you love from what I can see all the way over here in Kansas).
If yours is a different love language gently let him know what it is. You can be as subtle as a brik and say it...Gabe, I really like when you do xyz for me. It makes me feel loved and I appreciate that. Come on girl, what are you waiting for?
kat
The heck with typos. I think way faster than I can type. I meant "brick".
Mish, the book is based on the fact that guys tend to have real difficulty with the "R talk" so there are ways to deal with him that can get past that. Guys sweat bullets when the R talk is brought up because it normally means we're in deep doo doo. Let's face it, nobody ever wants to have the R talk to tell you how loved you make them feel! I read the book a while back and quite liked it. You can probably reserve it at the library. It's worth a shot.
Btw, Kat's suggest is right on and I think it may be in the book as well. Guys love to be told they're doing something right. We like to know what to do so when you tell him "that made me feel loved" he's likely to do it again.
Thanks for saying that wii. feel as if I am really learning some great stuff lately.
kat
Taurus - You may be looking at a ver small problem as though it's a very large problem. It isn't because it was presented to you incorrectly. It isn't because te way yo discovered the problem was in some way foggy or misleading. Your perception is off most likely because there is a very volatile and emotional situation behind te problem that has distorted it in your eyes. Someone may be trying to make amends, but in the words that person chooses or in the memories the issue brings forth, you are recalling something that upsets you. Step back. Gain some perspective. And then accept the apology that is being offered, even if it isn't direct.
Very timely.
This past Saturday my landlord came over to have me sign a new lease. Gabe was there when he got there and since he has known us for 10 years he asked, very gently, if we were back together. Gabe was standing right there but didn't answer so I had to. I just said we were working on it and left it at that. It was very uncomfortable feeling.
Later that night I asked Gabe if he was ok with what I had told the landlord and his response was a half-hearted, "Yeah, that was fine. No problem."
No problem? WTF does that mean????
You are looking at this from a negative perspective. You are not even vocalizing the possibility that he was disappointed you didn't just say "yes".
His actions speak much louder than his words.
If you were confident in your relationship with him because of his actions, you would have just busted out with a "yes" and a smile and never even asked him if that was okay right?
Act as if my dear. Focus on the positives. And build on the positives.
Michelle, I never looked at it that way. My view toward our R is still that this is temporary and when he finds a better situation he'll leave. I think I'm afraid to think any other way because I feel it might kill me for sure this time when he does leave.
He hasn't given me any reason to think he's going to leave. He's been nothing but helpful and loving. He's never been one to express his feelings so I don't expect him to. His actions definitely say, "I'm here loving you and want to stay with you." My self-protective wall just won't even crack! Scary!
Wii,I think I can get that book for my Kindle (I'm SO bad with libraries!). I should do it ASAP. Maybe it can help me focus and let a little light through that wall.
Kat, I have been making sure that I tell him how much I appreciate things that he has done for me but I'm thinking I need to rephrase that to tell him that it makes me feel loved. That is a good idea. Appreciation is not nearly as powerful as letting someone know how their action made you feel.
I know. That's why I had to point it out.
I'm evil like that.
You and I both know that you are strong enough to survive and thrive on your own. Loving is always a risk, but if you don't take the risk, you can't reap the rewards.
Besides, you are such a beautiful soul he'd have to go completely crazy again to ever think about leaving! (((Mishka)))
Mish, getting the book through Kindle is a great idea, you only pay $8 and you can read it right in front of his face and he'll never know it!
Another weekend is upon us.....sigh......
Thanks for your good wishes Mish, I had a quick scan of your thread and it seems like you and Gabe are still together, you are still doubting and he is still staying. Not sure what you want from him other than masses of love and reassurances that he will never go awol again ? Do we ever get that and if we did would we loose the doubt?
Maybe do what I am doing just go with the flow enjoy it for now.
Maybe it is different when its the same man who left when you start a relationship again but I know I will never go through the pain I did again. I am not the same person.
I am strong, I am woman, hear me roar ! whoa sorry got abit carried away there.
Do hope it all works out for you and you relax and enjoy the what is.
Guess I will go back to my new life now. Take care x
Naej, glad to hear that things have changed for you. Nice that you have met someone and sound happy. What is it they say, when you are least looking for something you find it?
Wish you had a thread so we could check in with you.
Hugs, kat
School starts a week from tomorrow and I find that I am starting to stress about it. The money involved in school fees, the constant stress of trying to make sure Marc gets his work done (which I never know until I see the report that he has missing work), and his more frequent freak outs when the other kids start to pick on him and tease him. It's going to be exhausting as usual.
Gabe is still looking for work and striking out left and right. He is so frustrated and upset that I feel he is going to give up completely any day now. My funds have completely run dry and I'm trying to sell stuff but no one is buying. It's getting pretty scary. I don't know how people handle this for years at a time.
Fingers crossed and prayers sent skyward that I can come up with a solution soon. I'm really getting tired of spaghetti and ramen!
Sorry to hear that you have a lot of stress right now. No fun!
Maybe since Gabe is still looking for work he can take over more of the school responsibilities?
But on the other hand, *fingers crossed* he gets a job asap! I am sure he is very frustrated and upset, definitely understandable.
Spaghetti and ramen, ah, reminds me of college. And law school.
Well, let's just put the cherry on top of the situation. Gabe's car finally died. He has been dragging it along for the last couple of years but today something major blew. All the electrical went out and it was smoking bad. It's caput. This is making things more and more complicated by the minute!
Well....the nice part about this is it puts stuff in perspective. Makes the smaller stuff seem pretty small.
Time to donate it for the tax write-off I suppose.
At least Gabe will be getting lots of exercise....
Marc started school yesterday. Brought home a stack of papers for me to sign, found out he still owed the library fees from last year(UGH!), and found out one of my friends is his study skills teacher for the year (oh, luck her!).
I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this school year doesn't turn out to be a stress filled as they normally are.
I think every year is more stressful than the one before. D9 is going to have real home work this year. Ugh. And D12 is in 7th grade, hormones running wild and having to get used to a 7 period day. She's never been very organized and now organization is critical.
I'm sure it'll be a period of growth and stress. He has come a long way, but of course there will be things that slip through the cracks at first.
He definitely has come a long way. He still isn't organized in any way, shape or form, but........we work on it continually.
Well, the first week of school is behind us and already I have had an email from his spectrum coordinator advising me that he had a project due for English today and he didn't do it. Of course, that project isn't written in his agenda anywhere....UGH! And so it begins......STRESS!
Mish, sounds like you're living my sisters life! Good luck to you.
Deep breath!
It's not something you have direct control over, so just take a deep breath and just focus on today.
Another week has passed and I'm trying my best to maintain.
I'm going to a family wedding in Maryland next month and I'm pretty stressed about it. Not really because of the wedding, I've been to a few since the bomb, but because it happens to be on the 17th of September. What would have been our 18th wedding anniversary would have been on the 18th. I don't know if any of you remember my complete breakdown last year on the 18th after asking Gabe what his definition of this new R of ours was and him asking me why it had to be anything. Well, it's a year later and I have no more definition now than I did then. I'm just as confused and cowardly as I was then. It's no better and it's making me sick.
I don't have the strength for this anymore. Today, Gabe called me to tell me he might be working until after 9pm tonight(he just started a new job Friday..part time but extra hours sometimes). When we started to hang up I told him I loved him (I don't do this often because it makes him uncomfortable), he mumbled a non-committal 'uh-huh' and hung up.
Every fiber of my being crumbled right then. I was washing dishes and talking on the phone to him one minute and the next minute I was crying and realizing that I have no place really in his life other than keeping a roof over his head and a warm body in bed. Lovely.
Some things just weren't meant to be. Why can't I just accept that?
I don't have the strength for this anymore.
Yes you do!
Then decide what you want. You have had a year to think about this. He has shown you in actions that he loves you. However you need to make your life the way you want it, no one else can do that for you. If you aren't happy, remember it isn't Gabe's job to do that.
Get moving hon! kat
Well, my D was pretty recent so my perspective is to be taken with a grain of salt but the good part of the exchange you had is that he did call to let you know he would be late. Something my ex sorely resented ever doing.
As far as the uh-huh response remember the movie Ghost when the guy always answered ditto to ILY because he was uncomfortable with saying that? It wasn't because he didn't feel it he just couldn't say it.
(((Mishka)))
Before all this happened, was he good with the ILY's and expressions of love?
Good point you guys. No, he has never been verbally demonstrative (oh heck, my college English is coming out with that little phrase isn't it? LOL). I'm not sure why I expect him to be any different now. I guess it's just that he had been telling me every now and then but it's been a few months since the last time and I feel more distant from him.
You know, it could be that I'm distancing myself from him though, not the other way around. I swear that my fears are going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep this up. I pull back to protect myself because of the past and I'm afraid to speak openly to him because I can't stand another rejection from him.
Oh yeah, and it didn't help matters that his new job is two streets away from where the broom lives. That set my teeth on edge SO bad. This job is driving around all over Atlanta so it's not like he's there at all during the day, but just the fact that he starts and ends his day that close to her made my blood go icy cold yesterday morning when I realized it. I'm sure that was a trigger for sure.
That last part would hurt. I have no advice for you other than to say I'm pulling for you.
" I swear that my fears are going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep this up."
Yep.
Accepting and maintaining and resenting an R that doesn't work for you is a sure way to guarantee its demise. So, if you are really worried about having a decent R for yourself and a happy family for Marc, maybe it is time to stop sabotaging it through inaction, doormatting, victiming.
Have you ever read Passionate Marriage?
He called to tell you he'd be late. That's great! Take it as that.
He's never been verbally demonstrative, so *shrugs* neutral there.
I occasionally pull the ditto thing on Roger. Or the "as you wish" Princess Bride reference. And he does the same to me. It's not always about the ILYs.
It's been a year and while things aren't perfect, he's there.
Good for you on noticing your trigger. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. That would drive me nuts as well!
And I'm loving the introspection on whether you are either distancing yourself or at the very least contributing to the distance you perceive.
Time to take some action to reconnect.
I haven't read Passionate Marriage yet. I really should, just haven't had the chance yet. It might help me gain some perspective on how to handle things better.
Victiming? I don't blame him for my feelings. I know that my feelings are mine alone and I need to find the best way to control them. I've come a long way but those triggers are still there and I would doubt they are going to go away. Handling them without falling apart for hours is what I'm working on. At least I didn't break down for days like I used to.
There is no resentment in the R we have, there is a lot of buried pain in it though. There is no way to talk that out. He doesn't want to hear any of it and I can't force him to hear it. Is it fair that I walk around with all of this rattling around in my head and he has no idea? No, but life isn't about what's fair. I'm sure there are things that cause him pain that he has in his head but won't discuss. I have no idea if I have directly caused any of it, but I can guess there is something there.
He's not a talker. I'm a talker by nature but I know where the limits are with him and talking about feelings is a huge wall with him.
So what action would you suggest to reconnect? Our connection causes me confusion as it is. He actually asked me one day how I refer to him in conversation. I told him I'm never really sure how to refer to him. XH brings up WAY too many questions. Marc's dad only works if the person knows Marc. Just Gabe in most other convo. It's very strange. It's like he's nothing and everything at the same time. Bizarre!
Have you asked him how he refers to you?? I would let him know that even if he isn't a words type of guy that you fill loved and would like to continue on this path of repairing your relationship. Well, that is if you feel that way.
I think you should also set aside maybe a half an hour each week or so to kind of get a reading on how you both feel how things are between you. What bothered you(not from the past but recently), what did you appreciate, what would you like more of. Have both of you respond and really listen. Think of ways to move this relationship out of the "it is what it is zone" to something you both want. I am guessing if he is asking you how you refer to him, he has been thinking about it a bit.
Big hugs, kat
Uuuggghhh, feel loved not fill. yikes!! lol
I wonder if he would consider a Retrovialle (sp?) weekend...? From what I hear, it is all about learning how to communicate in a way that doesn't make anyone feel terrible about it - seems like a skill you could both use.
Did you ask how he refers to you in conversation when he asked that question? Did you ask how he would prefer you refer to him?
He brought the question up because he's been thinking about it. Because he either was curious or concerned. His feelings were showing there.
Those moments when he does decide to open up can be built upon.
Time to start breaking down the walls!
Definitely get Passionate Marriage and read it. I need to reread it. It's thoroughly awesome.
Actually, I just bought Intimacy & Desire by the same author on my Kindle (couldn't find Passionate Marriage for Kindle and when I read it originally I checked it out from the library). I'll let you know how it is!
I was just posting to CTH about a strategy for changing his mindset about being alone and being ok with that and mentioned to him the lovely inner monologue I have in my head. The monologue hasn't improved much over time, but it has become shorter in duration. I see that as a small accomplishment. Gotta take the small joys when you see them, right?
So, last Wednesday I started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I know the basics of his principles already from another financial class I took but my church was offering the course on scolarship for those of us who are broker than broke!
It tore me out of my blinders on denial I have been living in just trying to make it though. Just the quickie budget that does not include any credit card payments or extras, just the monthly general living expenses has sent me into a complete panic. Blinders are off and just on those things I'm short by over $600 a month. No wonder my savings dried up so darned fast. I kept having the cyphon off of it to pay the bills and buy groceries. This is going to be extra scary going forward. I hope to heavens I can figure out a way to cut some of this but I already have no extras in there. We'll see but the outlook is NOT GOOD! Emergency fund? HA!
Before you say it, I don't qualify for any help from anywhere. I make too much but not enough to pay my bills. Living expenses are just too high. I know I could cut off the cable and have no television (in my area you have to have cable, no antenna pics up the regular TV stations) and the internet (and find a cheap DSL service somewhere but that would require a phone line which I don't have). I can't get out of my cell contract without a massive fee plus it's my only phone since I don't have a home phone. I may be able to get a small discount on my car insurance so I'm going to work on that. It might save me about $20 a month. I had to quit Zumba which makes me very upset but that's $40 a month. Can't quit the gym until next May but that would only be $15 anyway and I use it. I can quit Weight Watchers which would save me another $40 a month. Keep in mind though that none of these things except the car insurance and cable were even part of that quick budget. Any other ideas of ways to cut things or talk my way out of any contracts?
I coupon like crazy so I'm alreay saving as much as possible on groceries. Even with that I'm still spending almost $500 a month! We hardly ever have any meat other than chicken breast (which I get on sale for $1.79-$1.99 a pound). I have no idea what else to do except have Ramen for every meal from now on!:)
Ideas please!!!! I'm desperate!!!
I've also looked for another job but it's impossible to get with my limited availability.
YOu get a lot of channels off of the internet so you could cut the cable out and leave the internet for now. Are you still this far under with Gabe's help?
I know this sounds like a silly way to save, but I started to make my own laundry soap. It works just as well as the other stuff but I do keep a small bit of it handy if I have a tough stain. I make a 5 gallon batch at a time, it costs about 5-6 dollars to get the inital stuff but then you are only using small portions to make a batch and it last a few months at that.
I have also been going on some of the coupon sites and signing up for freebies. I am kind of blown away on your grocery bill since I usually spend about $400 a month on the 5 of us. It fluctuates a little but not too much. I can't stand ramen but my kids love it so yes it is on their food list. I have also cut out eating out to one day a week. My parents take me out one day a week and then I take a sandwich and fruit for my sack lunch.
I am also going to check out Aldi's and see if I can save at least on staples. I guess I am lucky because my kids love breakfast for dinner. I don't want to be one of those crazy coupon ladies buying 50 antiacids at a time because I have 50 trillion coupons.
My oldest came off of child support in July so it dinged a bit more than I thought it would. I am figuring it out though. You will too. I am sure we can all help you think of some ideas.
Big hugs, kat
I was going to say too that there should be food pantries available to you. Have you looked into that? Also going to the bakery and buying bread direct without the mark-up. Are their farmer's markets around. That would help too.
Gabe's help? There isn't any. His new job (just a week and a half now) pays next to nothing and he has his bills to pay. Sometimes he picks up stuff at the store for me when I need something.
We have a farmer's market here twice a week but the prices are just as high as the supermarket for vegetables so it doesn't help. I was shocked at that but it is what it is.
Grocery costs here are crazy. I thought California was bad, but it's just as bad here. The only exceptions to that rule seem to be milk and eggs. Bread, unless you are ok with basically eating glue, is minimum $2.50. Best rate we ever get on ground beef is $4.99 a pound. How does that compare? I'm always curious.
You know the weird thing, Comcast won't do internet only here. You have to have a bundle to keep their internet plus I'm stuck in a contract until next February. UGH!
I'll keep plugging away at it. I just can't see going to a food pantry because we spend too much on groceries. I just have to find other ways to do better. I don't buy bunches of coupon stuff just because I have them (I only buy 2 Sunday papers that they bundle here for 50 cents more than the single copy) but I use them for the stuff I use all the time. I get free body wash, toothaste, toothbrushes, and deoderant all the time. I love that because I hate spending money on those things when I need that to go to food items.
We have pantries available once a month where you don't have to fill out anything, you just drive up as they hand you stuff. I don't go but see them advertised.
Sounds as if food is cheaper here. We also have a wonderbread outlet here so I can go geth there bread. I don't always because I don't want to make a bunch of extra trips but if I am over on that side of town, I will go. They have some great deals.
I avoid Walmart at all costs, I can't stand to go there. Shop sales when I can. Hang in there.
kat
Look at your auto and home insurance deductibles. If they are $250 consider increasing them to $500 or even a $1000 if you are willing to take on that risk and if the insurance company tells you the difference in premiums will be significant.
Did you get a substantial tax refund this year? If so consider increasing your personal exemptions on your W-4 reducing how much tax is taken out of your paycheck which will increase your take home pay.
For groceries - is there a Costco or Sam's club near you? It may benefit you to buy in bulk and lower your overall bill.
Are you running central air or window air conditioners? Consider either increasing the temperature setting or turning them off and simply running fans. I know it gets hot in GA but cutting costs is cutting costs.
Cutting gas - any chance to carpool with anyone? Cut down on trips and plan your outings so that you kill 2 or even 3 birds with one trip out instead of making multiple trips.
Hope some or all of this helps.
BA
I was wondering has Gabe considered working security jobs? I know quite a few of our officers would work a shift or two at the major banks here in town as well as for local events. It has to pay better than minimum I would think.
kat
He's tried, they aren't hiring. It's just horrible here. The last I heard, Georgia's unemployment rate was 3rd worst in the country...ugh!
Making your own cleaning products and such is a GREAT money saver. And the recipes are super easy.
I am such a coupon novice, I won't even touch that subject.
$500 does seem a LOT for 3 people's groceries though. I know Gabe has his own bills, but since he is eating there, asking for him to pick up groceries more often doesn't seem unreasonable. Is he helping with the mortgage? If not, maybe asking him to do all the grocery shopping would help spread things out a bit. Plus planning around what's on sale / cheap cuz it's in season. I know your produce is expensive since most of it is shipped from Cali or the mid-West, but even so...LOL. I second the Costco idea (won't do Sam's Club personally since it's owned by Wal-Mart). The $50 membership fee can be made back several times over.
As for utilities and such, definitely turn up the setting on the a/c and turn down the heat. A couple degrees makes a noticeable difference on the bill. I set my a/c for 85 when I'm gone and 80-82 when I'm home.
Coming up with a budget is hard. I know you feel like you've already cut out everything you could. Especially with those contracts tying you down. But those can be future cuts if nothing else. Every little $5 helps. It adds up.
If you have data on your phone, you may be able to just use that and drop internet at the house. Or you can cut the data from the phones. Does Marc have a phone you could get rid of? Cut down the texting on the plans?
Also, I know Gabe's car has been having lots of issues. Would it be possible to cut back to one car? That would save a ton on insurance and repairs even though it would be horrendously inconvenient.
Oh, the other thing you can mess with is the temp on your water heater.
And wash your clothes mostly on cold and at most warm. When you're doing a lot of laundry not using the hot setting makes a difference in the utilities.
Also....for the food....plant some of your own! I know it's too late for this summer, but plant a winter garden and a summer garden next year!
Looks like you are zone 7b, so you should be able to plant everything for summer from tomatoes, squash, and watermelon to beans, carrots, peppers, and corn. Maybe try and plant some herbs as well as those can be very expensive to buy. Rosemary is a bush that is very hardy and never has to be replanted. Basil, thyme, sage and thyme generally have to be replanted every year.
Great ideas! Unfortunately I already do most of them.
Oh yeah, we're already down to one car. His died completely about a month ago. The electrical all blew out. Since his new job is in the next city over, I drive the golf cart to work 3 days a week so he can take the car the 12 miles to work. When the rain comes or it gets cold I'm going to have to spend more in gas running back and forth and more time doing that too. Oh well......nothing I can do about it.
I would SO love to be able to garden. I've tried. Nothing is better than garden tomatoes. I can kill silk plants though so it doesn't work out for me. I follow ever instruction and everything and still can't seem to do it. Worth a try again though. Any idea what the best way to break up hard clay is and how to condition the hard soil here? The people at Home Depot aren't very helpful.
$500 isn't only food, it's cleaning products, cosmetics (maybe $15 every two months on that so not really much), and paper goods.
I could do 80-82 degrees in the summer if it weren't humid. In the humidity and with a broken ceiling fan in my bedroom it's just not going to happen. I'd never sleep again. I have it set at 78 and I'm miserable most of the time. UGH.
Making my own cleaning products....hmm....not a bad idea. I may look into that. I used a shark steam mop and a shark handheld steamer to clean most things. I hate chemicals. I've been known to use vinegar and water and peroxide for some things too. I only use cold to wash and I never pay more than $5 for laundry detergent but it would be worth seeing if I could make my own and stretch it farther.
No, Gabe doesn't help with the rent at all. Doesn't make enough. He pays groceries when he has the money. Otherwise, it's all on me. Icky icky icky! Oh well.....it is what it is, right? I made the situation, no one did it to me. Now, with your ideas and support I may be able to improve it.
Keep 'em coming!
Gabe is an adult male. Let him pull his weight one way or another.
If Gabe is so indigent that he cannot afford to pay rent, bills, or his own groceries, then he should qualify for public assistance.
On the other hand, if he has no money for those things because he is protecting his credit rating by paying other bills, that just isn't right.
Food, shelter for family before other expenses. He's a man, he should get that.
Exactly!
I get that he's been unemployed. I get that times are rough. But he owes you child support under the divorce decree. And he's living there, so he needs to contribute in whatever ways he can. Food, cleaning, money, etc. Just because he moved back home doesn't mean it's a free ride.
As for the clay, I have that here as well. How deep does it go and is there any topsoil over it? Break down thru the clay whenever you are planing, if you can't go through it at least go several inches below what you are planting. Then use a planting mix and a root fertilizer to backfill the hole before planting your baby plants.
One of our former DB friends made a lovely little one foot garden and she said it is nice to have fresh veggies for her and her daughter, you could also get the topsy turvey thing for tomatoes. You can get an above ground planter. Put in a liner and buy some top soil so you don't need to worry about the clay. Yes dome upfront cost but then you aren't killing your self with all the clay.
Kat
It occurred to me this morning that you probably haven't even shared any of the financial concerns with Gabe, that you haven't even given him a chance to respond to the situation appropriately, that you haven't given him space or opportunity to be a responsible partner.
So, it is time for you to woman up. Quit being the household's mother. You are Marc's mother, not Gabe's. Gabe is your equal and your partner. Treat him like that.
Right now you are treating him as if you are the parent and he is a kid who came home after college, a parent who wouldn't be doing that kid any favors, BTW, for allowing the existing patterns to go for so long.
Don't say you can't talk to Gabe. If you can't, then write him an email. If he doesn't read email, print him a letter. If he can't read, write up an email and have your computer read it aloud to him if you can't bring yourself to do it.
"Gabe,
I ran some numbers, and financially things are much worse for us than I had realized. I'm stressed, I'm scared. Let's sit down this weekend and figure out a plan together to make us more financially sound than we are right now. Together I think we can make it work, be each other's rock. I'm thinking that we can partner to make a workable budget, and brainstorm on how to save money, maybe think of how to leverage our off-work hours to save money somehow. It won't be easy, but if we get some power over this money stuff, it will sure feel good."
BTW, sex will be much better if you quit parenting Gabe.
Also, if you google how to feed a family cheap, there are tons of sites:
http://www.notjustbeans.com/http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/09/29/earlyshow/living/parenting/main6910676.shtmlhttp://paycheck-chronicles.military.com/2009/02/04/feeding-a-family-of-four-on-50-per-week/http://moneywatch.bnet.com/saving-money/blog/family-finance/feed-a-family-of-4-on-10-a-day/3097/http://www.doctoryourself.com/eatwellcheap.htmlhttp://www.familyresource.com/health/hea...eeds-4-6-peoplehttp://www.thegrocerygame.com (dunno anything about this place)
http://frugalfinds.blogspot.com/2007/06/feeding-your-family-on-very-tight.html
I know A LOT about the grocery game. I belonged to that when I first started couponing. Great for someone who doesn't have any know how and wants to learn the right way without lots of extra work. You have to pay per store list though so unless you are going to do it faithfully, you shouldn't go there.
I'm looking through the rest slowly. Thanks for the leads.
There is no way around it. I'm going to have to find a second job. Not easy considering the economy is horrible and everyone is looking for more income. The search begins.........
And what about treating Gabe like a responsible adult man and your partner?
Try coupondiva.com also. You can find your local store and then print coupons for there and also see what specials are going on.
I would definitely talk to Gabe. Ask him for some ideas but also let him know what the situation is.
kat
Gabe is fully aware of the situation. I hide nothing when it comes to the finances. I figure it's the roof over all of our heads and he should know what is going. That doesn't mean he has an ideas for any solutions. His response to all of this? Rub my shoulders and say, "It will work out.". He has no ideas but doesn't have any responsibilities either. My problem, my stupidity.
Coupondiva is great. My very favorites are couponmom.com (take a look at the extreme grocery deals for your state - I get free deoderant, toothpaste, body wash, shampoo, and toothbrushes all the time)and southernsavers.com. Southernsavers is only for those in the South (obviously) but any of you out there that are in the region may benefit.
"Gabe is fully aware of the situation. I hide nothing when it comes to the finances. I figure it's the roof over all of our heads and he should know what is going. That doesn't mean he has an ideas for any solutions. His response to all of this? Rub my shoulders and say, "It will work out.". He has no ideas but doesn't have any responsibilities either. My problem, my stupidity. "
This is such BS. This is a two-adult household. You aren't Gabe's parent, and Marc has TWO parents. It is not just your problem. What IS a problem is for you to continue to try to be responsible with it by yourself, and it is also emasculating to Gabe.
Tell Gabe that "We need to partner to get ourselves financially on track. I cannot and will not continue to do it alone. It doesn't work and it isn't good for either of us. I'm sorry I haven't given you a chance to be a real partner. What are your ideas?"
So, Gabe's taking your car to work, and you are taking the golf cart. Why isn't the money he was spending on insurance for his broken car going towards the mortgage and groceries?
It's great that he's being emotionally supportive, but he's living there two, and should be pulling his weight.
There are two adults in the house, yes. Marc has two parents. That is where it ends though. Gabe has his finances and bills and I have mine. The fact that mine are 20 times more than his is not his problem though. He gives me what he can but it doesn't make up the deficit. He didn't create he deficit and I had become dependent on my mom's help after he had left. Now I'm stuck in a mess but it's a mess I'll find a way out of.
What is the alternative? I'm apparently blind OT. I showed him every number, told him what the problems are. He flat out said, "I know, it stinks. What can be done though? You'll work it out." And then walks away. Do I drag him bodily back to the table, tell him to pay up or get out, or go on handling it by myself and keep family peace while having none for myself?
Trying to involve him is futile. I try, honestly I do, but it's like trying to get my son to do homework.....useless!
Tell Gabe that "We need to partner to get ourselves financially on track. I cannot and will not continue to do it alone. It doesn't work and it isn't good for either of us. I'm sorry I haven't given you a chance to be a real partner. What are your ideas?"
If he will not act like your partner, you can at least treat him like a tennant and your child's father rather than a child himself: "Gabe, I'm afraid I can't keep letting you slide on child support, my finances can't handle it. By my calculations you owe x.xx. Please start making regular payments on time and include a portion of the debt. Also, we need to come to an agreement on your portion of the rent and utilities. This is the budget I worked up..."
But, I'd give him a chance to work WITH you first. I haven't seen ANYWHERE that you have done so. It sounds like you showed him you were broke and he said too bad. When did you ask him to participate in building financial stability for your family?
Good point. When did I ask him to participate? I guess never. It was assumed on my part. He was the 'man' of the family and that was his 'job' even though I paid everything, handled all the bills and did all the worrying. That role hasn't changed, it's just missing an entire income with all the same bills.
Man, I really need to grow a pair!
Just and idea but why don't you devise a spreadsheet of all your bills and expenses and show Gabe like you are really proud of it and ask him to help you fill it in. Let him come up with suggestions of his own, you know how men like to 'fix' things. He might surprise you. Give him the chance to step up and to think of solutions instead of you bearing the brunt all the time.
Relationships are like a see-saw remember. The more of one thing one person does, the less the other does.
And they are never going to pick up the slack on their own because from their perspective it's just the division of labor. So, if you want him involved, you have to let him.
He says it'll work out because it always has in the past. And you do the worrying for the both of you, so he doesn't have to.
Step back, give him space to be involved, and ask. I love Julia's idea.
But if that doesn't work, you do need to figure out how much he is going to contribute every month. Your bills aren't as separate as you think. He's living there. That means the mortgage and utilities are his bills too, whether his name is on them or not.
Whether he pays you what he should be paying in child support or pays a set amount towards the mortgage and utilities, something needs to be "his."
mish,
the less someone is invested in a R, the easier is for him/her to walk out if the circumstances allow it. That's something I read and I find it very correct. And investement in an R, the way I see it, is being involved in all aspects of the common life. For years I used to take on the weight so my H could work and build his career. But that excluded him from things he should be involved and would get joy and pride of. I didnt realise. After what has happened, I am very careful not to deprive him the "joy" of being a part of every problem and solution. And he feels better in his skin, I can see that.
It's about time you stop assumptions based on the past. You have the knowledge and must be realistic regarding expectations but at the same time allow room for Gabe to change. Think about it and start little changes in the way you engage him into everyday problems and issues. Finances of the family arent your resposnibility only. Dont be selfish! ...
Love
K
(((mish))) Just posting a fly-by......thinking of you!
Hi, mish, I just happened by your thread, and I see you are having money troubles (who isn't these days?). Kat, I believe mentioned Aldi as one place to try. I go there all the time, and although they mostly sell the basics, they are lots cheaper usually. And if you don't like a product they sell, they will give you your money back plus another product. It's mostly non-name brands, but we have tried most of them, and have had no problems, except with some weird kind of cheese that I thought would be good, but they don't sell it here anymore, anyway. Plus, they sometimes run a sale to get rid of the final few they may have of something, and I picked up five canisters of steel cut oatmeal for fifty cents each.
Also, Publix runs their buy one get one free sales, and with your coupons, you can really save some money. As for the cable tv, get one of those digital converters that they were telling people without cable to get when the changeover to digital took place. I got us two, even though at the time we didn't need them. Now when the cable goes out because of storms, we hook one of those up, and get our local channels, plus a few extra I've never heard of.
I've had to do what I can to save money, so we can pay off our credit card debt, and it is working, and we are beginning to breathe again.
good luck
vc
I am definitely heading to Aldi this weekend. Something has to give with these grocery bills and no amount of couponing is helping.
Lately it feels like I'm living on borrowed time. In the span of 1 week, six members of my family have been laid off. They all work for different companies and in different industries all in the Atlanta area. This is getting super scary. My business has fallen off again as companies are scrambling to plump their balance sheets as much as possible before the 4th quarter hits. This economy feels like it's going to suck us all into disaster. Very, very frightening.
mish,
the less someone is invested in a R, the easier is for him/her to walk out if the circumstances allow it. That's something I read and I find it very correct. And investement in an R, the way I see it, is being involved in all aspects of the common life. For years I used to take on the weight so my H could work and build his career. But that excluded him from things he should be involved and would get joy and pride of. I didnt realise. After what has happened, I am very careful not to deprive him the "joy" of being a part of every problem and solution. And he feels better in his skin, I can see that.
It's about time you stop assumptions based on the past. You have the knowledge and must be realistic regarding expectations but at the same time allow room for Gabe to change. Think about it and start little changes in the way you engage him into everyday problems and issues. Finances of the family arent your responsibility only. Don't be selfish! ...
Love
K
WOW! That's such a clear summary right there!
Even if businesses are cutting back their travel, you will see an upswing in personal travel for the holidays I would imagine (even if not as big as normal a few years ago)?
I don't do leisure travel, only corporate. That is 70% of our business so it's going to hurt. I see cuts in hours coming again soon. I just got my full time hours back in May!!!
Maybe it's time to branch out.
I would call you if I had a travel problem!
While it's good to be aware that might happen, don't waste too much time and energy on the what-ifs.
Honestly, I'm trying not to worry about it. Whatever happens, happens right?
I think I prepped Gabe for a budget meeting tonight.
I told him I paid the water bill and the gas bill so they wouldn't cut them off but WE need to sit down and figure out how to pay the electric and cable with what is left after the car payment. He said he gets paid today and I can use that. I told him I really just want him to sit down with me and help figure out how to handle all of this. He kept trying to just hand me the money to deal with it but I stayed insistent that he do it with me. We'll see........he doesn't want to be involved, never has, that's how all of this crud got dumped on me for the last 18 years. He's there, he needs to participate. I'm SO OVER IT!
You go girl! Stay firm on getting him involved. I know it isn't easy but you guys can do this.
kat
Hi, mishka, my H is the same way with the bills. When we got behind, and they would call him, he would(and still doers)tell them, my W handles all that, and give them my number. I really don't mind doing it at all, and giving him a report later, so he knows what is going on. I guess I am just the one who deals better with it, and since the end to the debt crisis is in sight, far far off, but in sight, I will just soldier on.
At least you have Gabe helping out, now.
I meant he still does. Can't spell today.
vc
Well, it didn't go the way I had hoped. He still just handed me the money and wouldn't sit down and look at it because "he doesn't understand all that financial wrangling". Yeah sure. He doesn't want to be bothered.
You know, mish, there's always one in the family who is good at paying bills, and one who only cares they get paid. Just write the check and show it to him, and say this is for this or that. I write all the checks, or pay bills online. It doesn't take any time at all, and my H says as long as they are getting paid, and I am not spending too much money on shoes,(amazon.com- best place for me to find deals)he's happy. I tell him what the bills are for, like when the power bill was 350 dollars
, so he'll know we can't get lots of extras this month.
Have you had your trip to Aldi, yet? They've got mushrooms, bell peppers, and other stuff for only 99 cents this week. I am going after our new refrigerator comes this afternoon. It will be nice to have one that can keep ice cream frozen.
Have a good one, mish!
vc
Some people are so finance-phobic, it makes them too anxious to sit down and figure that stuff out. My best friend is like that, so was the last boyfriend. I don't get it, because I'm someone who likes to know where my finances are and like to budget etc. But I suppose, if I was in a relationship with someone who was the SAME as me, it might bug me not to have all the control!
Ok, I've been reading but haven't had much to say lately. Everything that comes to mind just seems inane and useless to others in my own head so I stay quiet. I'm silently supporting everyone though.
Today was an experience I'm still reeling a little over.
I went 'drugstore stalking' with a friend who was running around looking for a certain nail polish color. It was a beautiful day and I just couldn't see spending it cleaning my house so I went with her.
Ok, so that was the start of the day. Fun times but let me rewind to yesterday. There was a reason that I had never gone to Aldi before to save money. In my sick, twisted little mind, I did anything and everything to avoid going to the next town over where Aldi is because I had internal terrors that I would run into the broom. I have avoided it like the plague. The few times I have had to go there I drive directly where I need to go, get in, and get out ASAP. Just yesterday I finally admitted that to my best friend when I was telling her what I got at Aldi. I had never told another person that - EVER.
Back to today, my friend was shopping stores in that town. I went with her and on the way there I told her what I had told my best friend yesterday. She is one of my closest friends too and I did preface it with "I know this is completely crazy - don't judge me!" She just laughed it off and we went on.
The last store we went to was a tiny little Sally Beauty Supply. We were looking at some polish and I had walked about halfway up the aisle from her when I heard this woman say to my friend that she was looking for this specific Orly polish. I caught sight of her out the corner of my eye and my heart jumped into my throat and I nearly threw up right there. It was the broom! My friend is standing there chatting with her about nail polish and I ran cowering around the end of the aisle. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking from head to toe. It was the WORST! My friend kept talking to her and I'm standing on the other aisle texting her telling her that my worst fear came true. She didn't have her glasses on so she couldn't read it. Mind you, this store is only 4 aisles wide. SO HORRIBLE. She started calling out to me and I just kept escaping around another end. I couldn't escape the store. It was awful. She finally came around the side and found me. Thankfully the broom didn't follow her. I told her who she was chatting with and she was horrified. I told her it wasn't like she would have any way of knowing that. I just really needed to get out of there.
So, I kept shaking when I got home. Couldn't calm down. I wasn't going to say anything to Gabe about it because I'm ashamed that I would react like that. He could tell something was wrong with me though and I can't stand having any kind of secret. I told him what happened and explained I wasn't proud of my reaction but it is what it is. He told me he was sorry I still felt like that.
That was the end of that. I'm not sure I should have told him, but then again we NEVER talk about anything having to do with the past, how we feel about anything or about each other, and we certainly never discuss what this thing is we have with each other. As far as I know, he still feels he's a free agent and when some woman comes along that he finds better than me, he'll be gone.
So, so, so tired.
Alcohol time, my nerves are totally shot.
Maybe there is a different Aldi's in another town nearby. Not everyone shops there you know. Dillons ( a Kroger store) is the most popular store here, not that many people go to Aldi's that I know of. I can get in and out of there in 20 minutes tops and that is shopping for the 5 of us.
Don't let her have control of your life Mish, she isn't worth it. If I ever met my exes new wife I wouldn't hesitate to hit her, but it certainly doesn't keep me away from Lawrence because she lives there. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I worked to save my marriage and if that was a crime, put me in jail. Quit acting like you had the affair and hold your head high.
Hugs, kat
(((((Mishka)))))
It's ok. It still hurts, and that's ok.
It's isn't good that you still give the broom that power over you, but that doesn't mean it is permanent. I think that one day, eventually, you will be ready to realize that she doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be this month, or this year, but one day you will think of her, and she won't mean any more than the dirt underneath your fingernails.
You know the whole "gang" is with you still Mish, you will get through this!
Yeah, I know I'm giving her too much power over me and that's why it feels so stupid.
She shops at Aldi and that is why I avoided it for so long. Of course, it ended up being another store I ran into her in so.......ugh.
Still feeling raw. Hope it passes soon.
Well, I think it is understandable Mishka. If I saw exh's ow/ wife to be now I'm not sure how I would react. Probably a mixture of hiding and feeling sick and extreme anger. This is someone who like it or not has had a big impact on your life and caused you alot of hurt and messed with your family. Obviously Gabe has to take his share of responsibility but you don't ever have to be ok with this woman in my opinion and if you want to avoid her then do. Why put yourself through it?
(((Mishka)))
Well, talk about a wake up call to stop being afraid of what expressing myself could bring. Time to just put it out there and see what happens.
The catalyst to this?
One of my oldest cousins lost his wife of 30+ years to ovarian cancer 8 years ago. He then married a woman who had been a close friend of the family for years and they have been married over 6 years. She is a sweetheart and the whole family loves her dearly.
They were visiting her grown children who live in Kentucky (they live in California). This morning, my cousin got up and found his wife face down on the bathroom floor. She had apparently had a massive heart attack in the middle of the night and died.
I'm heartbroken for him. The thought of losing a spouse to death, twice, is overwhelming.
It really causes me to examine my reasons for not being completely transparent with my feelings. What is the worst that could happen? He could choose to walk away. Gee, already done that once (well really 3 times if you could all the false starts of returning home) and it ended up not killing me like I thought it would.
Life is just too short and love is far too precious to waste.
(((((Mish))))) So sorry for your family and your cousin. I often think that the passing of a rather young person is a wake up call as well. However it seems to need to be closer to home to really make a difference.
Thinking of you. kat
Wow, that's terrible about your cousin's wife.
Sorry, about your ordeal at Sally Beauty Supply, too. I will probably think about it, whenever I shop there, now.
As for Aldi, they have them all around the Atlanta area. She'd have to be a witch to be at all of them at once. I got some whole grain pasta there this week marked down to 50 cents a box. My S would eat pasta every night, but mean mama won't let him.
I hope your next excursion out won't end miserably.
vc
Thanks guys. Everyday brings it's new challenges, right?
It's gotten to the breaking point financially.
Cable and internet are cut off, electricity is next. I have 7 days to come up wirh over $400. This should be interesting. It just amazes me that someone with a full time job can't pay the bills.
Sorry to be whining. I know a lot of people are in much worse circumstances, i'm just not used to being this far down.
I'm getting really scared.
Can you work out some kind of payment program with them? I know you have tried credit places before but it can't hurt to check again. Your church? I am sorry it has gotten this bad. There has to be some help available out there.
I'll put my thinking cap on.
kat
Whew I don't post for a while and bam!
Mishka...darlin' why not be transparent? Life is a risk, and part of the risk you take is telling Gabe how you feel. Two things can happen: He feels the same or he doesn't.
However, if you ask the question, make sure you are prepared for the answer, whatever way it goes.
As far as your reaction to the broom, I'd say that is a fairly normal reaction. I really could care less about the SG and his W, but I have to be honest...I am glad I moved across the country so I don't have to worry about running into them. (((Mish...)))
Sorry to hear things are so tight.
Some thoughts re: your $400 goal:
- do you have anything you can sell? Garage sale, Craigslist?
- collect cans?
- perform "extra" jobs like babysitting or using other special skills for friends or family in exchange for cash?
If you can find the book Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn I think you will find it inspiring.
I've been selling stuff but there are not many buyers out there. Had a garage sale in July and made a couple hundred. You wouldn't believe the hoops you have to go through to have one in my city though. You actually have to buy specific signs and a permit. They don't allow any homemade signs and without a permit you'll get a $100 fine. It's SO lame!
I have 4 items up on Craigslist that I've been trying to sell since August. No luck. Trying still though. None of them is going to net enough to cover the outstanding bills but it would make a little dent.
I've seen that Tightwad gazette. Pretty interesting stuff!
Babysitting? UGH! I can't stand little kids. I barely tolerated my own.
All my friends and family are in a horrible mess too but I'll keep looking for options.
There really is very little hope these days for most of the country isn't there? Things continue to decline, pricing on everything continues to increase drastically. Heck, my electric costs have increased 50% with NO increase in kwh useage in just the last 6 months. How dumb is that? Water has increased 100%. Again, no increase in usage.
Ok, ok, ok....stopping the obsession over this. There is nothing I can really do about it. Everyone else in the darned country (with the exception of a very small percentage) is facing the same mess.
Big girl panties - check.
I guess I missed something....did you lose your job?
No. just can't make my income cover the outgo. Not even close. Even disregarding credit card bills I'm super short. Since mom died it's been harder and harder without her help and I've used my whole savings.
Have you told Gabe that the electricity will be shut off at the end of the week? Have you said, "Gabe, help."?
Have you asked family for help?
That blows...and I agree. Gabe should definitely be pitching in.
Mishka, have you ever been to Dave Ramsey's site? He would advise you to pay for necessities first. Power, water, food shelter. Credit cards don't come first. We got into trouble over them, and struggled to make the high payments. After awhile they are willing to work with you, and lower the payments. Also, on one of them, I paid a small payment for nearly 8 months, and they sent me a letter saying my account was eligible for the REAGE thing. Basically, since I paid something each month, they made it to where the payments were smaller. I mean,, when you are hurting, who cares about collection calls? But, call them first, and let them know you are in a hardship situation. Cut off your landline to the basic 20 dollars a month. You can sign up for a free or cheap internet service. Some are only 14.95 a month. NetZero Platinum is about 9.95, and they have a free one, too, you get 10 hours a month, and free email. You can also go to the library for free. You can make a budget for your food costs, say no more than 6 dollars for each dinner. We feed 3 on that. Whatever meat is on sale, say ground chuck, get the family pack, usually cheaper, say for 12 bucks, you get enough for 4 meals. Get bid bags of potatoes, carrots, stuff like that, and you can make really cheap dinners. It can be done. Feed, shelter and clothe your family and you have the basics, everything else you pay is gravy. And continue to sell stuff. If you have a talent for making things, try to sell them on Etsy.com, they have gotten national attention. Call your power company, and see if they have payment arrangements. They sometimes will let you have an extra amount of time to pay it. If you are already delinquet on utilities, speak to a customer service person, they will usually work with you. Same with the water company. See about their budget billing. I have done all of these things. H's income dropped 20% two years ago. They cut off all overtime, and we counted on that. Thank God, he has a job, because they are laying off deputies, but the city isn't laying off police.
If you get a paycheck within the next 7 days, then pay those things that are crucial first.
Long post, I know, but I also have been there, and to some extent, still am.
vc
Thanks.
Gabe knows exactly what is going on. I've been very diligent in showing him the bills. He gets paid weekly thankfully but it's only a small amount and not enough to cover the electricity bill.
VC - I'm actually attending Dave's course through my church right now. The budget was a total joke to my cousin and I. We both ended up slightly suicidal by the time we finished and and realized that we are underwater by a MASSIVE amount every month. No wonder our savings have both completely dried up.
I haven't been able to pay the credit cards, only the basics and not even all of those. I prioritized it according to Dave's 4 walls platform. Housing first, food second, transportation 3rd, utilities last. Less than halfway through the utilities I'm out of money. Not really much else that can be done about that.
The truly stupid thing is, I make an ok amount of money. My expenses are just too high. I can't afford to move and I can't move out of the area for my son's school. That would be a disaster. I have to stay put at least 2 more years to get him out of school.
As far as the grocery shopping, I do all of that and I coupon to get free deoderant, toothpaste, cleaning products, etc. That all helps.
I'm definitely NOT talented at making anything! I SO wish I were. I've tried my hand at several things but they all come out looking like a kindergarden kid did them. LOL Sad but true.
Called the power company - they aren't allowing budget billing for anyone any longer. The water company doesn't even offer it. My natural gas bill is pretty low and I have an excellent locked in therm rate. I don't have a home phone, only cell and it's WAY too high but I'm stuck in a contract that I can't afford to pay to break.
There is a new Walgreen's store being built in town but they aren't hiring quite yet. I'm hoping that needing to staff a new store will be to my advantage.
Working on it! Keep ideas coming, I'm sure I can find a way to work in some of them.
Dang, it really sounds rough for you. Do you have a life insurance policy? Could you borrow against that? Or get the cash value from? We have old policies we got twenty years ago we were able to borrow on to get another car this year when a nice drunk driver totalled our car.
I love Dave Ramsey, but we are not doing the course. I started to do the budget, and it made me scared, so I am just plodding along, paying down what debt I can, and letting the rest go hang for now. Can whatever Gabe makes pay something? Or part of what is owed now? Did you talk to the utilities about giving you extra time? I have had them give me nearly two weeks before. Hopefully you can get on when the new Walgreens opens. Love to shop there for bargains. Got a few 12 packs of batteries there the other day for only 1.29. Clearance is a lovely word.
Check for anything around your house that is causing your bills to increase. With us, it has been a drip in the bathtub. Water bills over 100 dollars a month, plus it was the hot water, so power bills up, too. My S, who is 18, is learning to do all sorts of stuff, so we got everything at the hardware store and he fixed it. Hope the bills will go down. And you can learn to do all sorts of stuff on the internet to fix your own car. Express wanted 1200 to replace the air compressor on our car, and we told them it didn't need it, just small part needed replacing. They refused to do any but the expensive repair, so we ordered the part for 40 dollars, and S replaced it, and we took the car to another car place to have the air conditioner cleaned out and coolant put in, and it works perfectly for around 200 dollars. So stick it Express!! We have an old beater of H's that we have been secretly fixing up, while H isn't around. S has put in his graduation money, and bought parts and done it himself. Who knew boys still liked to do stuff like that anymore?
vc
Chapter 7.
I know it is not the ideal way to go, but as long as you are current on the mortgage, they will not take your home. It will get rid of the past due on the utility bills. get rid of the credit card debtl. I dont know if this is an option, but if it is let me know and I can steer you in the right direction.
Even though I am not proud of it, it saved me. I remember sweating it out, trying to make my ex pay what he was responsible for. I was fine paying what the court made my part but when he stopped paying, I couldn't cover everything.
The L that I talked to said that he didn't want me to start being behind on the house and it was better to get a plan in place. It was all finished in 2 months once I filed. It may be your last resort but that is what it is there for.
hugs, kat
SOO glad to hear you are taking the Dave Ramsey course!
How is it that Gabe is only making enough to pay the electric bill? If that is the case, he needs to get out there and take a second job at night. Right now he isn't even paying enough for his OWN food and expenses, much less contributing to the raising of your kids. ALL of his pay should go directly to you, since he has already admitted he cannot manage money.
Buy large bags of rice and dried beans. The cheapest way to stretch your food dollar by far. Red beans and rice are still my favorite (daddy was from Louisiana).
Check out the Tightwad Gazette books - she has lots of creative ideas in there that you don't have to be a craft genius to make work.
Teach everybody in the house to use half of all toiletries. Half as much toothpaste, half as much shampoo, half as much laundry detergent, half as much dishwasher soap - we all use too much, half works just as well and is an easy way to cut your expenditures on those things.
Encourage your teenager to get a job. I know jobs are hard for teens to find these days, but if they could find something, they could at least contribute to their own expenses. I worked all through high school - babysitting and later in a drycleaners.
Reconsider your housing options - do you own your home? If so, could you rent it out and move to a cheaper apartment or temporarily in with family? Or could you take in a room mate, or rent storage space in your garage?
I know some of these options are not appealing, but you need to be PROactive, not REactive. For instance, what if you had been PROactive a year ago with your budget and figured out THEN that you couldn't afford cable? You would have saved enough to cover your $400 shortfall by now. Sooo - if you are still short every month, you need to increase your income or lower your expenses - that might mean moving even if you don't want to.
Don't be afraid to lay out to Gabe exactly what you need him to do. I know he's had trouble finding work. What skills does he have? What skills do YOU have? CAn either of you fix things, sew, dog walk, and yes, babysit??? (I know you hate it, but it can't be worse than this stress, right? And nurses and waitresses have a lot of trouble finding evening babysitters.)
When I say this, I'm not being maudlin or negative, it's just an unfortunate fact! I have no skills or talents of any marketable kind! Neither does Gabe. We are seriously two sad sacks!!!
We were talking about it last night trying to come up with skills we had that could be turned into an opportunity for more income. None. Nada. I am a good cook - that's it. I can't bake (except cheesecake). We live in suburbia in a place where more than 50% of the families are made up of one income (high paying jobs and lots of airline pilots) where they don't need dog walkers, babysitters, etc. It's a strange place for sure.
I can't sew with the exception of buttons. There are amusing stories of me trying to hem pants that ended with not being able to get your foot through them.....don't ask! LOL
Just managed to sell one more piece of medical equipment I had for $75. They guy is coming to pick it up tonight. YEA!
Still racking my brain and shaking trees to see what else I can do. ARGH!
You can cook. I know they have some places around the country where people come together and cook meals for a week. So much better than a bunch of frozen dinners.
Perhaps you can offer that service. They buy the stuff and you help them put it together. Or for a bit more you can just put it together for them. Sounds like a win win.
kat
Gabe can't fix anything? Cars, small motors, clean gutters, make minor repairs for people. Still thinking...
kat
Good cooking is a GREAT skill!!! My goodness do you know how many people out there are afraid to boil water? Have a cooking class, or do like Kat suggested. HA! you say you have no skills! And making cheesecakes is something I have never tried. And I love to cook and bake. I know there are liabilities when you sell for public consumption, but this wouldn't be commercial. Years ago, I cooked for a Christmas party my sister threw for her friends, and people were coming up to me afterwards asking if I would cater for them. I was flattered and scared and young, so I didn't do it. I wish now that I had. You know, you could offer to cook a gourmet meal for them in their own kitchens. I am sure you would soon be in high demand.
Happy you are able to sell some stuff, that's a step closer to your goal.
So, you are like Lucy Ricardo when it comes to sewing? Remember when she cut out a pattern, and managed to cut the shape out of the carpet, too?
Good luck, girl, you're getting there.
vc
Lawn care, hanging Christmas lights, pizza delivery (a Dave Ramsey idea). And Vistaprints.com has 500 business cards for ten dollars including shipping. I just went on their website, and made a sample card, and they are really neat.
vc
Have you ever heard of elance.com? Might be a good place for someone with business skills.
vc
Do you have a scanner? What about offering to scan people's paperwork files or photos for them?
Mishka,
Advertise to do typing for people. Stick an ad in the local paper, you can type up dissertations, letters, books people are writing. Ask around church see if anyone needs that service. Then charge an hourly rate or per number of words. You'd be surprised how many people need this service.
I've just started designing and writing websites for people. There is a simple tool you can use on the internet. I don't charge too much and do good work. Has been invaluable for my travel funds.
Typing! Now there's an idea. I type over 100wpm so that would be a good use of my time.
Definitely NOT an organizer! I need one in a bad way, but......
Shoplifting can be fun and profitable...nah, maybe not. Go with the typing idea.
Yeah, you could sell the shoplifted items on ebay. Not really!!
On elance.com, there are lots of different categories of possible freelance jobs, like proofreading, copywriting, data entry, creative writing, web content, travel writing, etc. You quote a price to a client, and if it's accepted, you do the job, elance bills the client, takes an 8.75% cut, and you get the rest. I heard of them a few years ago, and forgot about them until reading your posts.
Good luck whatever you do.
vc
Apparently I have zero skills.
No one wants a typist, they all want crazy amounts of web skill sets that I have NONE of. Compiling spreadsheets from web research, etc.. Proofreading? They want only seasoned writers. I was an English major in college (never finished so no use to me) but that means exactly squat.
Finding out you have NO marketable skills whatsoever is pretty depressing. I used to be smart, now I'm irrelevant. Bummer.
Oh well.....McDonald's wouldn't hire me either. Apparently they only hire seniors, in high school or the grey haired variety. Nothing inbetween for anything other than management.
Pity party done.
It could definitely be worse and I have to keep reminding myself of that. My cousin's SIL tried to commit suicide last night because so many things have gone wrong in her life and she's now homeless. See, could be much worse.
Hope you are all doing well. Thanks for being so sweet and supportive.
Hang in there Mish. What I've found in life is often when you least expect it an answer will pop up! That doesn't mean we stop working at it but, just remember, we can't always see where our deliverance will come from. Thinking of ya!
I used to make money in grad school at
www.clicknwork.com. You can work whenever you want. You can do web searches, data entry, transcripts, all kinds of stuff.
Maybe since that site encorporates a test that might tell me what I can do, that would be a good avenue to explore. I swear, I read these descriptions of what these people want you to be able to do and it sounds like quantum physics!!!!
Thanks OT! I'll give it a try!
I've been pretty lucky. I found three part-time jobs that kind of all work out with my main one. The big thing was just getting on the phone with friends and asking if they know of anything.
NO luck on the job front yet....sigh.
We went to the state fair this weekend. It was so much fun and relatively cheap with the excetion of the darned car battery we had to buy on the way down there. Thankfully the car broke down directly across the street from an Auto Zone! That was fortunate. I knew the battery was going to go sometime soon as it was getting more difficult to start. When we pulled it out we discovered it was the factory battery. It lasted over 5 years so I'd say that was pretty good.
We had a lovely family day together. It was beautiful outside and we walked all over, held hands, laughed and joked. It was amazing. There are times though that I see a distance growing, like before, but this time I recognize it. Recognizing it and fixing are two different things though. I'm going to have to figure that one out.
I'm starting to think I may need to move to piecing but I don't want to wander off somewhere where I don't know anyone. I don't do well by myself! LOL
Oh, you know we would follow you anywhere.
love ya, kat
UGH! I have got to stop reading newcomers!!! They are so sad and desperate and it takes me right back to where I was not so long ago. Heck, I'm still there some days but their raw pain just punches holes in my heart.
I feel so horrible for them but there is absolutely nothing I can say that would be any help to them. Hope some of you can!!
Here's a question for those of you who's spouses had affairs.
Do you ever close your eyes, in a quiet moment, and the face of the ow/om pops into your head? Happens to me ALL the darned time and often during very inoportune times. Why is that? How twisted is that? WTH???? It makes me sick to my stomach and then my mind always wanders off to thinking about what their life together must have been like, how different she was from me, how confident she seems especially compared to me, why I feel the way I do about everything....blah blah blah.
It's just something that happens so often that I thought I'd get a concensus from you all.
One of the threads I was skimming had me thinking about my role in the destruction of my M. I still am not entirely sure what I did that pushed him into her arms, I can guess but that does me no good. What if I do the same things again and push him out again? I've asked before what changes I could make that he would like to see and he has no answers or suggestions. That scares me. There have to be things that caused this but without a clue what they are I just live with constant wonder and fear about it.
Sorry about the wandering thoughts. They've been eating me up inside and I had to get them out in the hopes that someone would have an ideas.
Stop signs! Picture a big red stop sign in your head when you start to go down that road.
You wouldn't watch a horrible movie (like, say, Gigli) over and over again, would you? So why run these horrible "movies" in your head all the time? Just picture a big red STOP sign, and change the reel to a comedy.
First of all you didn't push him into someone else's arms. He did that all on his own. It wasn't about you. Problems in your marriage, those you can take partial responsibility for.
Now your job is to still be the you that you want to be and not because of Gabe but just because of you. You have grown so much in the time I have known you, don't you even doubt that for one minute!
As for seeing the OW's face, nope I can say that I have but then again I don't know her so it is only from pics that my ex posts for my kids do I ever really see her. I agree with kml, use a stop sign when ever your mind goes there. It doesn't serve any purpose to reflect on her because it could have been anyone.
kat
I fortunately have never met the OM - I've only seen one picture of him that my ex sent me before the you know what hit the fan. She wanted to show me the group of "friends" she was hanging out with while deployed over in the "danger zone." Real nice when I found out one of them was doing more than the foxhole trot with her.
Anyway, I really don't think about him anymore. It took me awhile, but I finally realized that the best I could ever hope for with my ex if we got back together was to be her second choice (since OM decided to just enjoy the sex and then return to his family.) I realized I didn't need to be anyone's second choice and that I deserve someone who wants me and only me.
BA
Yeah, BA I think you just hit the nail on the head. In my subconcious I feel like I'm second choice. I was the fall back plan when the OW kicked him to the curb. I chose this for myself because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and now I've resiged myself to feeling I won't be able to measure up to her in his mind.
It's a horrible feeling and I do my best to shove it down deep but it bubbles up every now and then. The last few days have been horrible for me but probably because I don't feel well. I don't tell him when I don't feel well because, in my mind only, I have a feeling that my being sick with various ailments throughout our M is one of the reasons he left too. I battled migrains for years and finally have a pretty good handle on them now but when I get the slightest headache he reacts to it with a roll of the eyes and I see supressed anger in his eyes. I don't tell him ANYTHING about any ailment I might have anymore.
Even as I type all of this, I know it's twisted thinking but I know him too well based on a pattern of behavior he has exhibited over 20+ years of knowing him.
Sorry, bad day. It is what it is.
"I don't tell him ANYTHING about any ailment I might have anymore."
Wow. What a way to keep him from being able to be a good guy.
FWIW, I don't think you're worried about measuring up in his mind. To me, this sounds like it is all about you, your feelings about yourself, not about them. It is about your OWN feelings of inadequacy, about things YOU want to change about YOU for YOU. So, get on it.
To me, this sounds like it is all about you, your feelings about yourself, not about them. It is about your OWN feelings of inadequacy, about things YOU want to change about YOU for YOU.
Ding ding ding...we have a winner. Totally right OT. I've said it before. I have ZERO sense of self-worth. Never have. I work on myself for a while and then life overtakes me and I give it up. Not good, not healthy. It's going to lead to my death sooner than later. I look at my mom's urn on the mantle every day to remind myself where I'm headed if I don't get a handle on my health soon. It's sobering but apparently not enough to make me do better.
Due to the financial situation I gave up weight watchers (which was at least keeping things in check), gave up Zumba, and have been living on pasta and ramen to get by. Not healthy in any way and it has to stop.
Just this last week I made a grocery list only using ww recipes that have relatively cheap ingredients. It still cost too much but it has to be done. I can't eat all that carb loaded crud anymore.
OT, I genuinely got tired of the eye rolling and the griping 'there's always something wrong with you.' statements. So, I keep it to myself. If every muscle in my body hurts and I can barely move without wanting to cry, I say nothing. If I'm throwing up blood, then I may have to say something!
Ironically, he has been whining for the last two weeks about pains. He has a pinched nerve in his shoulder that is causing radiating pain in his neck and arm and he pulled something in the opposite hip. He hasn't slept well in two weeks because of all the pain. I've rubbed him with ben-gay, given him ibuprofen, suggested alternating heat/cold (which he won't do for some dumb reason) but I don't treat him like his being hurt is making me upset with him. I guess that's where my nurturing personality comes into play.
No excuses. I know it's all me (in most ways) but there is only so much I can take without just shutting off in some cases. My own health is one of those places I just have to not share with him. He could care less because it annoys him.
You know, rice and beans are as cheap as Ramen and noodles, more nutritious, and at least are gluten-free (have you ever considered whether gluten sensitivity might be part of your health issues? Worth considering)
Yeah, BA I think you just hit the nail on the head. In my subconcious I feel like I'm second choice.
Remember though, that you were his first choice to begin with. OW was his second choice and made during his time of crisis. No wonder she ditched him eventually.
I think couples should be able to share their aches and pains with each other, and get support. My H tends to also be somewhat unsupportive when I'm ill ... even cancer didn't bring out his empathy much. I think, though, that he thinks he is empathetic. But, compared to my children, who were my rock during my cancer, he was more like a little ol' pebble. Rolling his eyes when you're in pain is NOT supportive, and in fact, is quite the opposite ... making light of someone's pain, or getting irritated is very uncaring (I am using polite words here, by the way). I find that I am not as caring as I used to be, when my H is in pain, or is feeling ill (I still am extremely empathetic with my children and grandchildren). I say to H, "aw, that's a shame ... you should see a doctor." I still care, but I don't fuss. I'm not his mother, as he is not my father which he made abundantly clear.
Thankfully, as far as I know, my H never had a physical affair with OW, and he never left home, just our bedroom. So, I don't think much about OW anymore. I did at the time though. She is a weird person ... aren't they all, 'eh!
Do you ever close your eyes, in a quiet moment, and the face of the ow/om pops into your head? Happens to me ALL the darned time and often during very inoportune times. Why is that? How twisted is that? WTH???? It makes me sick to my stomach
I don't have to imagine her, I have the pleasure of seeing her often as my X married her. And I don't get sick to my stomach, I get laughter out of seeing her terrible 1980's country singer hair and her bizarre wardrobe....and she thinks she is oh so glamorous I am sure! It used to bother me to see her, because I kept wondering why he left me for her. She was everything
the man I was married to used to make fun of. But that man is long gone! I married a man with values and morals, she married a man who had none! Now I truly don't care. They deserve each other! LOL
Hey, did you "like" the coupon page on FB. I keep getting great coupons. Do you know another friend of mine on FB is giving birth any day now and she got a $700 stroller for $19 using coupons?!?
I definitely need to stalk your FB page and like the coupon page. It certainly wouldn't hurt to save money!!!
As far as the OW and the X's go, we are definitely better off Gineen! And if I ever make it up to NJ we will raise a glass to that!!!
Well, still no options on the job front. I've hit brick walls with all the websites so far but I'm still trying. The new Walgreens still isn't accepting applications (although they have a sign out front..how dumb is that?). Still plugging away though. Living teetering on the edge is becoming very exhausting though.
My full time job is in jeopardy again. Our business has fallen off again and if it doesn't pick up for one last BIG push before the end of the year we're going to have our hours cut again. This economy is killing us all.
As far as Gabe and I, we are doing ok. There isn't much to say really. There isn't any talking going on. With the situation we are in, I just don't hold out much hope for having any definition to our R. Neither one of us can see beyond tomorrow so the future is out of the question. It plays right into the exhaustion from living one day to the next not knowing what will be the next thing to be shut off. I think I would feel more comfortable talking about our R if I wasn't so worried about just keeping the roof over our heads. The stress is going to kill me.
I'm working on it, thanks for the support G!
I had a crazy dream last night and it's got me pretty stirred up.
I dreamt that Gabe and I were in the mountains. From the looks of it I think it was the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. We were walking down the street of the town and he suddenly pulled me inside this little building that was a government building and told me we should get married and we could get a marriage license right here. I got panicky and excited but told him yes and the next thing I knew we were standing in a gazebo in front of a justice of the peace and I woke up.
Now it keeps replaying in my mind and I'm trying to shove it out. You all know how bad I am about stop signs and thought stopping. I STINK AT IT!
This one has me really messed up though.
OK, here are two surefire ways and one likely way for you and Gabe to both make money:
(1) Participate in online market research. I used to do a lot of this. You should NEVER pay in any way to participate in such things or learn about the opportunities. I found this list that ranks online survey businesses that pay. I can't vouch for it, but it does include at the top a few places that I used without any problems, like pinecone research:
http://www.surveypolice.com/rankings. If you put the time into getting into the various programs, you can definitely make money, though it won't be a lot. I used to get $50-$100 a month doing these without putting in much effort.
(2) Go to the student union buildings at nearby universities. Scour the bulletin boards for people looking for research subjects that will pay you to be a subject. Many of these will be innocuous studies that pay $10-$20. You can also try to track down medical clinical trials for which you qualify. You can make a GOOD chunk of change doing these. I did several in grad school, none of which I felt were scary. If they take a few days and you have to stay overnight, you can make upwards of $1000.
(3) Find seasonal work as GM suggested. Here's a link to opportunities:
http://www.snagajob.com/jobs?t=seasonal&s=georgia&page=2
I looked on snagajob.com and they list all sorts of jobs available in your area. Target, Kohl's, Sears, some of the portrait studios, UPS as driver helpers, seasonal warehouse work, tons of them are listed. And how about one of the temp services? I worked for Kelly Services for years here, and loved going to different companies every week, sometimes a company would request me for three months at a time. And you are usually treated so well, because they are glad to get help. And it can help with the skills you already have.
I am sure you and Gabe will come up with something. Good Luck.
vc
Dang! There are days where I just want out of my head. Anyone have any idea how to do that?
The last couple of days I've been struggling with old patterns and working at not slipping into them.
Example - In the morning Gabe and I get up at the same time. Usually he ends up going to make sure Marc is up and getting dressed for school. He then goes in the kitchen and starts the coffee pot (he doesn't drink coffee, just me) and make breakfast for me and Marc. Mind you, I never asked him to do all of this, he just does. I appreciate it and make sure to always thank him for it but I feel like I'm taking advantage of him or something. The last two mornings I have made an effort to get up and out the room before he does to get Marc up and start the coffee. He still comes out and makes my breakfast though. Again, I don't ask him to but he gets to it before I do.
It seems to me he does it out of love but I'm just afraid it will turn to resentment from him at some point even though I never asked him to do it. He threw that nugget at me in the past and it scares me that it could be repeated.
What should I do? If I tell him he doesn't need to do this for me but I sincerely appreciate that he does do you think that would be enough?
This sounds like a pretty simple thing doesn't it? In my head it's not simple, it's torture. I rip myself apart agonizing over what I should say that won't make him angry with me.
If I can't even talk to him about this one simple thing, is it that surprising that I am completely frozen in fear to talk about anything more important? Like, oh, let's say the direction our R is taking?
Just say thanks, that you appreciate him getting your breakfast, it's very nice of him, etc. And do something nice for him, sometime, like his favorite dinner and dessert, and tell him he's so sweet to fix your breakfast, you wanted to do something nice for him. If you tell him he doesn't need to fix your breakfast, he may feel you would rather he didn't, because he wouldn't if he didn't want to, I guess.
Does it seem your R is going in the direction of R?
vc
(((((mishka)))))
Gabe wouldn't be making breakfast if he didn't want to! You are letting your lack of sef-worth get to you again! I don't think you need to tell him anything, other than "Thank You!" Do you really think he would be doing it if he was feeling resentment? He may be doing it out of guilt, but it isn't your problem to figure that out, in my opinion.
My GF likes to do things around the house. I have had the same fears that you do, and she points out to me that she does them because she wants to. One thing I try to do is to participate when she does it, while at the same time appreciating it. MAybe you could do the same.... maybe you could clean up behind him as he is fixing breakfast, so that it's something you are doing together?
Mish, people need to feel that they are needed! Let him do what he needs to do to feel that. If you take the things he does away from him by saying "you don't need to do that" you will indeed create resentment. Thanks and a big hug is all he needs. Let him do what he feels he can for you, it's loving for him to do it and loving for you to receive it.
Jeff!!!!! Buddy!!!!! Miss you around here so much but so glad that things are going so great for you! If anyone I know deserves a great outcome from all this mess, it's you.
You are totally right. I'm letting my own issues cloud what he is doing for me. One part of my brain says he does this strictly from a place of love, not from any sense of obligation. The other part of brain panics and remembers all the hurtful things that he said when he left about me treating him like a piece of furniture and feeling taken advantage of. I know those cruel comments were only partially true but they still linger and I freak out when I think I'm not doing enough for him to feel loved and taken care of.
I made a point of telling him I was so grateful that he makes this every morning for me. It saves me a massive amount of time and allows me to sleep a few extra minutes.
As far as what I can do to make sure he feels loved, I clean, make dinner most every night, laundry, play carpool mom, and manage the household bills as best I can so that he doesn't feel that stress. He already works two jobs and is trying to get more. It's the very least I can do. There are numerous other ways I express my love for him but those are the most overt ways. I just hope it's enough. I don't ever want to go back to 'that place' again where we both felt so unwanted and it pushed him into the broom's arms.
(1) What is his LL?
(2) I don't think you are crazy at all for worrying about Gabe getting resentful. People who have a pattern of subordinating their needs and then resenting it tend to repeat that pattern.
(3) Have you considered being direct about this? "Gabe, I feel so great, so loved, so supported, when you do x,y,z. You are a great partner. How can I be a better partner to you?"
I have tried and tried to determine his LL. I am fairly certain it's physical touch followed closely by AOS. I make every effort to fulfill each of those.
Thanks for thinking I'm not crazy....at least when it comes to my worry.
LOL
Direct? Well.....you know how much trouble I have with that. That would require actually talking about our R. I never have been able to do that and he certainly isn't about to. I really like the way you worded that through. Regardless of what definition he puts on our R in his head, we definitely have a partnership at the very least. I'm going to give that a whirl!
We are going to the movies tonigh to see 'Tower Heist'. I got free movie tickets...WOO HOO! No dinner but at least the movie part of date night. That will be really fun. It looks like a really funny movie and it certainly has a great cast.
Glad you are going to go and have some fun.
I do like the way OT worded that. Give it a try. Everyone likes to feel appreciated now and then. That should be the easy part to say. Sounds like everything else is moving in the right direction. No one said you had to be on a speeding train.
hugs, kat
Mish,
Re ADD and supplements... I posted to CTH pretty much everything I know. But here is just a little bit more. I discovered the magical powers of taurine using the little 5-hour energy drinks on long drives. Not only did they keep me awake (they have lots of caffeine), but they made everything go better at work. Turns out they also include Taurine and Tyrosine. Weird, huh? Well, I started paying attention and it was true. I had H try them (he's ADD too and with lots of stress at work, he was starting to get irritable/anxious too). Well, they were the magic bullet for him too. So, I googled to confirm we weren't imagining things and we weren't. If you google "adhd taurine tyrosine" you'll find a TON of stuff. Here are some websites:
--
http://intelegen.com/nutrients/add.htm--
http://www.vrp.com/brain-health/natural-strategies-for-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder--
http://www.adhdnews.com/testforum/test1531.htm--
http://www.livestrong.com/article/124402-adhd-drug-alternatives/-- Look at the FIRST item here:
http://books.google.com/books?id=07t8xUFZdOQC&q=adhd#v=snippet&q=adhd&f=falseBut, there is just tons more info too. For me, I know it works because I didn't have in mind at all that a 5-hour energy drink would do anything.
I also saw this, which suggests different combinations of stuff for different kinds of ADHD. I'm not sure how seriously I'd take the website though as they seem to be selling stuff, still it looked somewhat interesting:
http://www.amenclinics.com/clinics/information/ways-we-can-help/adhd-add/
Thanks OT! I've tried other vitamin supplements for him with little to no success. Knowing someone who has personal experience with a combination that has worked is encouraging. I'm going to read up on those and see if any of them have indications regarding ADHD/Aspberger's kids. That would be bonus. He takes Concerta and it helps, but he still has many problems that lead me to believe he still has a chemical inbalance of some type.
I appreciate it!
He's probably old enough to try a 5-hour energy drink to see if there is any difference. It has a nice combination of stuff in it.
Hey, ot, thanks for the info about L-tyrosine and taurine. I have started paying attention to what I may not be getting enough of, like vitamin D3 a shortage common in people like me with hypothyroidism. So is a deficiency of taurine. I am going to check into getting some of it. Be careful if you have high blood pressure or if you take thyroid hormone medication, if you take L-tyrosine, though. Also, one thing I read, was that in one study, taurine deficiency was found in 62% of autistic children.
Sorry to hijack your thread, mish, just wanted to thank ot for the info.
Y'all have a great weekend
vc
Hi Mishka..
Have not heard from you lately on my post so thought I would check on your sitch...Im going to read your post from the beginning (which looks like could take awhile..LOL!) but it looks like you and your H are D but still together in same house???
Thank you for all your support in my sitch...i really appreciate it
Hey ITM! I've been reading along but I'm kind of lost as to suggestions. 25 is the absolute best! I fully agree with the direction she is pointing you.
My sitch is strange to be sure. I wouldn't trade it but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else either! BAH!
I'm sure the mods would appreciat this....I'm going to start a new thread. This one has been going for over a year.....time for a change!