Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: newmama In the process - 10/06/10 11:50 PM
in the process of divorce, in the process of accepting the life I never wanted, in the process of raising my child alone, in the process of trusting people again.


Had a hard hard hard day! But I know it could have been way worse.
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/06/10 11:55 PM
First - I'll have a Black Butte Porter.
Posted By: ClingingToHope Re: In the process - 10/07/10 12:12 AM
What happened?
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/07/10 02:23 AM
Sorry you had a bad day
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/07/10 02:25 AM
Hi NM,

Big hugs!

Mrs. A
Posted By: Piano Re: In the process - 10/07/10 02:26 AM
Hugs Newmama. I know. But we have to keep up the faith - that better days are ahead. You are young, intelligent and gorgeous - DON'T FORGET THAT!
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 10/07/10 03:05 AM
((((NM))))

Let us know what happened. Hang in there...
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/07/10 03:13 AM
thanks guys!

Kerry-it is great that you have good chemistry with someone but I wasn't kidding about setting you up with ErinGoBragh (what is that Irish saying?). So let me know if you want to see her pic- but you would have to tell me on FB (chatty newmama).

I should know better than to say hard day without elaborating but I was short on time. Nothing about divorce...work.

tomorrow will be better....
match.com--the guy lives an hour away! he loves being in the country and farming...not me!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/08/10 12:35 AM
Hope today was a better day at work for you NM.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/08/10 02:55 AM
today was a great day at work but stbxh just gave me the divorce papers. Said he was confused about the time line...that he thought it was 90 days after the end of the custody classes but it was 90 days from when I signed in June. So he got a letter that said it would be dismissed unless he took immediate action. So he is going to the courthouse tomorrow to figure it out and had me sign. I didn't cry but I was pissed. My life is sooo hard since he got me pregnant, took my son from me due to his selfish actions and destroyed my trust in people. And I can't tell anyone that I am disappointed because they will think I am nuts. So I don't want to hear it! Life better perk up.
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 10/08/10 03:35 AM
(((NM)))

You can tell *us* that you're disappointed because we understand and we know what it's like.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. This *is* hard and especially with a little one it's a lot harder but it will get better and life will perk up. You've seen glimpses of it already. You'll be ok!
Posted By: sandycay Re: In the process - 10/08/10 03:55 AM
NM~ what your feeling is natural. When the business of D comes up it brings bad feelings, but really nothing has changed in your life because you signed the paper.

I don't know if I am explaining myself right. What I am saying is once I knew what was going to happen in my mind we were already divorced because that's how we had been living.

The rest is business so try to keep that in perspective. Your daily life is the same as it was yesterday and you've been through the hardest of the emotional part of this.

I'm not saying that there aren't downer days or moments so feel Blah for a day or so then I know you girl~ you will pull up something sassy and do it!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/08/10 04:06 AM
(((hugs))) Newmama. I hope that you are letting yourself grieve. You are so awesome at maintaining a good attitude most of the time, but sometimes we just have to be in the suckitude of it all frown . This stupid legal stuff just adds to the pain of loss.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/08/10 11:33 AM
It completely stinks and I understand feeling disappointed and not wanting the marriage to be over. You are just like me and have been separated for quite a while, but it still hurts to know it is over and your spouse chose the OW over you. So sorry. From what I have learned, let yourself be mad or sad or anything else. This all sucks and it is all so stinking hard by yourself. I know for me the past few weeks have been nuts with conferences and so many other things that I really need some me time, but that won't be happening for a few more weeks. My next break from work isn't for another two weeks.

Hope things perk up soon!
Posted By: soleil Re: In the process - 10/08/10 01:20 PM
Originally Posted By: sandycay
NM~ what your feeling is natural. When the business of D comes up it brings bad feelings, but really nothing has changed in your life because you signed the paper.

I don't know if I am explaining myself right. What I am saying is once I knew what was going to happen in my mind we were already divorced because that's how we had been living.


What you are saying makes total sense.

Originally Posted By: awest1217
It completely stinks and I understand feeling disappointed and not wanting the marriage to be over. You are just like me and have been separated for quite a while, but it still hurts to know it is over


((((Newmama))))

It does suck when a relationship you thought was permanent ends. But life does go on and it changes... I am sending you a big hug.
So when is the D final?
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/08/10 09:48 PM
So sorry NM, even if you are expecting something it still comes as quite a blow when it actually happens.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/09/10 03:25 AM
exactly....thank God for you guys! And Mystik you hit the nail onthe head. But Soleil, Iread your post last night and your words "but really nothing has changed in your life because you signed the paper" stayed with me. I was trying not to break down on my way to work and I thought of those words again and again in a loop. It is true.

I know how this crap goes. Up and down. I know I say one thing and the next day say another. I hate it. But I got through today being really busy at work. I am emailing a different guy as well as the country boy right now.

Here is something about that:
the country boy wants to live in the country and have his own farm one day. When I asked him if he had dated women who lived an hour away he said no but he was open to trying new things. Hmm...yet he wants to stay where he lives and I told him I prefer the city? And we both have 50-50 custody? What is the point of this correspondence? I guess I am curious about meeting him in person. He is 37, looking for women in the age range of 25-41. He has been divorced 5 years, been dating but has had 2 relationships since his divorce. He has sons aged 12 and 15.


Now the other guy is 38, has never been married, just engaged. He said she called it off. He has a 4 year old daughter. He works in the tech field, plays guitar, is professionally trained as a chef, prefers "authenticity" in life, is a "family man," is into smaller groups of close friends rather than a larger crowd at a party, and so far I am finding it rather easy to communicate with him via email. Which can be hard to do. His profile says he is "a few extra pounds" but his face looks cute and I don't know what that really means. His age range is 34-42.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 10/09/10 03:39 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
exactly....thank God for you guys! And Mystik you hit the nail onthe head. But Soleil, Iread your post last night and your words "but really nothing has changed in your life because you signed the paper" stayed with me. I was trying not to break down on my way to work and I thought of those words again and again in a loop. It is true.

I know how this crap goes. Up and down. I know I say one thing and the next day say another. I hate it.


I just know you are going to handle all of this with class NM! Good for you for recognizing that there will be good days and bad! As I have been told countless times...it is just a piece of paper!!!

FWIW-country boy sounds ok but...
other guy...might be fun but would there be competition in the kitchen? smile
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/10/10 12:48 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
Kerry-it is great that you have good chemistry with someone but I wasn't kidding about setting you up with ErinGoBragh (what is that Irish saying?). So let me know if you want to see her pic- but you would have to tell me on FB (chatty newmama).

I have not met the lady yet so I am not sure we have the "chemistry". She lives in Vancouver which is a bit of a drive, but she sure does have a lot of things that interest me.

I tried sending you a friend request on FB.

Country boy sounds fun. Does he want to be a dirt farmer or critter farmer?

My uncle used to have the biggest turkey farm in Oregon. It was right next to the I5 rest area near the Canby exit. I used to love spending time there during the summer as a kid. Are you really dead set against the rural life?

Go Ducks!

Go Beavers!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/10/10 01:00 AM
Not so sure about country boy but the other guy sounds good.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/10/10 03:05 AM
HA! We're all giving our 2 cents and it's all so different! My vote's for country boy - farmer's tan and muscles, baby! smile

Cheers,
Mrs. A
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/10/10 03:33 AM
Originally Posted By: Mrs. A
My vote's for country boy - farmer's tan and muscles, baby! smile


Mmm... There is that.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/10/10 11:21 PM
I had fun with my BFF and her family and so did S!
now for the match men:

Well, I have been exchanging emails with country boy. A couple of red flags- he cancelled cable when he got divorced and has been using the antenna to get reception ever since. CHEAP?!?

There is something abotu him that reminds me of stbxh and it makes me feel sad.

The other guy- City guy- haven't heard from him since he said he would write me 'tomorrow over coffee.' and that was Friday.

BUt then there was a 3rd one that I winked at last week and didn't hear from him until yesterday. He said he wanted to chat. I was thinking that meant instant messaging or a short term thing...NO- he meant chat via email and not too many because you don't know if chemistry is there or not. So don't tell all of your secrets to someone that you may not be attracted to when you meet. EXACTLY.

So he is an operations manager, has a beard, is 39, has a child (haven't found out particulars) and lives within 20 minutes of me. He is cute, says we need to be happy with what we have and he and I share several common interests. His tone of email was friendly and a little bit jokey. I wrote him and he has replied promptly! So I will wait until after I get back from work tonight before I reply.

A nick name...Orenco. Kerry may know what I am talking about!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/10/10 11:44 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama

Well, I have been exchanging emails with country boy. A couple of red flags- he cancelled cable when he got divorced and has been using the antenna to get reception ever since. CHEAP

I actually haven't had cable since I moved out of my parents. Mostly because all my favorite shows are on the main channels. I miss TLC and the cooking channels, but it really isn't a big deal. Now if anyone will invent DVR for antennas I would be all over that because that is the one thing I wish I had, but hulu helps with when I miss the shows I want to watch.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/11/10 12:09 AM
NM, why do you have to go to work tonight? It's Sunday!
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/11/10 12:11 AM
I cancelled my Dish network about 2 years ago to save money and most of the channels were garbage anyway. The free over the air broadcast has some good stuff (Qubo channel is good for kids). I also have a KU-band satellite satellite on my roof that picks up all kinds of free channels (mostly foreign). And if you subscribe to Netflix, they have free instant movies on the internet. It integrates very well with the PS3.

Country guy may just need to be frugal as divorce may have been costly for him.

I've recorded shows from antenna broadcast for the kids (ie. Wipeout, Cyberchase) using a DVD recorder. It seemed just like using a DVR where you set the schedule of what time you want shows to be recorded, but instead of saving on a hard disk, they save on a read/write DVD.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/11/10 12:18 AM
Yeah, does not mean the guy is cheap! Now, if he has holes in his underwear...

smile
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/11/10 12:59 AM
Check the socks before even getting to the underwear.
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/11/10 01:14 AM
What Kerry said. *lol*
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 10/11/10 01:23 AM
Hi NM

When my contract is up in Feb, I will be getting rid of Dish Network...will give me $80 extra a month!

Plus, you wouldn't want a guy that sits around watching TV all the time??? But, if he reminds of of STBX....would that be his good or bad qualities???
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/11/10 05:35 AM
thanks for setting me straight- glad to know that not having cable doesn't automatically translate to cheap. smile

City guy wrote me back tonight and Orenco asked me out (officially). Although when I said I had a 15 month old, he had a bunch of questions...so I just said we separated when I was pregnant, and I wasn't the trashy one in the relationship (or some kind of joke like that).

I am seeing when Orenco and I will meet...

City guy's least favorite holidays are the same as mine! New Year's and Valentine's Day.He said VD is dumb because you should be doing that kind of stuff every day not just once per year.

And City Guy asked me what activities I am planning for my studnets. I liked that he asked me that question!

So that's the latest...
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/11/10 05:38 AM
oh and xh stayed to chop up the bush in the front yard and took my garbage and recycling out for me. ( i didn't ask him to!) I said "oh I was going to do that soon. But thanks." while I was typing an email to one of the match men.
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 10/11/10 04:47 PM
Quote:
I said "oh I was going to do that soon. But thanks." while I was typing an email to one of the match men.


HAHAHA! that made me laugh out loud.

BTW, I don't have cable...I don't really watch TV much at all. I do have Netflix and I do watch movies once or twice a week.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/12/10 04:01 AM
Orenco and I are probably meeting up tomorrow night after work!He said his boss is in town so that means he might have to go out to dinner with him if he asks. So he said it was tentative. (He asked to meet me and I asked if Tues would work) I like that I can pick out an outfit that I wore on another date because I knew that it worked. At least the top!

Orenco is being a little flirty...It's funny because on the one hand I totally was fine with a fling about a month ago and now I am thinking of wanting more? But he said he has dated 2 women since his divorce. And he divorced 2 years ago and he was married for 15 years.


Oh but City Guy emailed me and said he would write more later but was taking advantage of some "me time" which might include playing his guitar. I replied and told him that I totally get that, even more now as a single parent, blah blah.. so he replied and said "you may have just mentioned one of those "Magic Words" (wink wink nudge nudge). So I reread what I wrote to him and totally busted up laughing.


I totally said something kind of wrong but it was funny and I DID NOT MEAN IT THIS WAY:

I said (embedded in the message)"....I did need some me time as a single person before. It is just my Piscean personality or something (har har). Just like some time alone each day...even 30-45 minutes doing my thing (whateverthat may be)."

I totally meant that I would use that time for anything from email to watching a TV show to working out to talking on the phone! hahahha!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/12/10 04:11 AM
oh wanted to say that Orenco and I are meeting about 5:30 and we exchanged phone numbers and texts. Everything was clean! So we are meeting UNLESS his boss needs him to dine with him.
Posted By: fb2 Re: In the process - 10/12/10 08:02 AM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Check the socks before even getting to the underwear.
Kerry, where's the youtube video for this? I've had this one old pair of socks for years and the heals have each got a hole. But I like them very much in the winter and haven't been able to find anything quite like them, tho' I've thrown out lots of socks. An old boss of mine did not wear socks, so did Dr Einstein. Never subscribed to Cable! I have an antenna in the attic. No time for TV anyway, so why bother? Netflix over the internet works quite well for the kids. And frugal can can actually be a good thing, even if it simply means making do quite easily without things you don't need ;-)
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/12/10 12:43 PM
Newmama, you dirty girl! *lol* I didn't take it the way City Guy did until you pointed it out.

Have fun with Orenco.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/13/10 04:40 AM
Einstein was loopy, cheated on his wife and abandoned his son. So no wonder he didn't wear socks on a regular basis!

Well I went on the date and first of all, the guy is like 30-40 pounds heavier than his picture! WTF? I tried to be honest. I am actually about 15 pounds lighter than mine at this point but I am leaving those old ones up there.

He is still attractive enough but I think the weight bothers me more than I expected. Weird! I always thought a guy with a few extra pounds is still sexy. Hmmm...

anyway the conversation was ok. I had another hard day at work so I had to transition. He was with his ex for 13 years, she cheated on him. 10 were just as boyfriend girlfriend. She had a 2 year old when they met and he never adopted him, but is still his "dad" and has him whenever the son feels like it. Which is about 50-50. I thought this was weird...his son is 16. He texts his mom or dad each day by 3 to let them know where he is going.

Orenco or his ex will say something like "no problem- see you soon!" or "sorry tonight isn't good."

but I am NOT I repeat AM NOT a go with the flow kinda gal when it comes to knowing if "I get" to see my boyfriend. I mean if I were to want to date this guy regularly, I like to say " ok-- let me know what day is good for you next when you get a chance. I can do Tues or Thurs" (for example) and then the guy will let me know. BUT if he doesn't know until 3 that Tuesday, well....
no! I can't do that kind of thing! Because I like to make plans within a few days ahead! I mean it is ok to not make a plan and then as a surprise, call up and ask if they want to do something but not when I am not knowing every time...you know? Am I uptight?

He said "so do I look like my pics?" and what was I supposed to day? I said yes- you are dressed the same way. Then he said "well you look way better in person!" so what should I be sayign?

and we had some comfortable conversation in parts- he kept telling me that I was talkative but he liked it. I was asking about him, etc. and he would say "oh let me be sure to ask about YOU too!"

So we had dinner and about 1.5 hours in, after we ate, I said "well I'm kinda tired. It's been a long day!" so we walked out and I gave him a hug goodbye. I think I said 'it's been good talking to you' because it was... but not like amazing! As soon as I got in the car and left the parking lot, he texted me and said "you're super cute!" well I was talking on the phone so i cuoldn't text (and I was driving) so around 30 minutes later, after he texted me that, he said "so?" and I felt bad. We texted back and forth and he asked to see me again. I said sure and we can't figure out when at this time.

Meanwhile, country boy emailed me so we'll see how that goes!
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/13/10 06:13 AM
Just curious, but how did the subject of going over the history of the prior relationship come about? Did he bring it up or did you?

I have a feeling you just need to ponder a bit after each first date. He needs to do it even more as he seems a bit eager to get some validation right away. There is no hurry to start making plans for a second date. Both people during and after an initial meetup naturally have some hopes, as there is a shining side of most everyone you meet, but after a day or two, some reality sets in and you begin to think a bit clearer.

Welcome to the buffet line. Make it fun by just learning about different people with no expectations. If someone really sparks your interest, I think that it is best to start as friends before intimacy.

Country boy sounds good still.

BTW... How are you liking this indian summer we are having?
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/13/10 05:08 PM
I talked(email)to a woman for about 5 weeks before meeting her just a couple weeks ago. There was only one photo of her and it was only a head shot! I asked her politely, "do you have any other photos of yourself?" and she basically dodged the question frown After meeting her she was way too overweight for me. Lesson learned there. We had some things in common but it was not really there on any level so I told her. On to the next...
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/13/10 05:31 PM
Kerry makes some good points. After the date kind of rehash it in your mind and determine if the guy is worth spending a second date with.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/13/10 05:33 PM
Don't settle for less! nip it in the bud.
Posted By: fb2 Re: In the process - 10/13/10 11:53 PM
Tho' its said "do not judge others" I've learnt the need to judge, quickly and accurately as i've gotten older because it's also said "life is short". Learning how to do this right most of the time is part of maturity and wisdom. And I've seen large pot bellied guys with slim beauties and guys sans socks who are sane and faithful.
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/14/10 12:12 AM
The late Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole was married to a slim beauty. However, one only needs listen to his music to realize the beauty of this man...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0xoMhCT-7A
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/14/10 02:48 AM
NM, you're so brave! Good for you for going out with City Guy, total UGH to his early-onset validation needs and quasi-unavailability, plus the extra pounds!

I'm excited to hear more about the possibility of you meeting up with Country Boy! Mrs. A *LOVES* a good country boy! smile

Sincerely,
Mrs. A
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/14/10 04:47 AM
Hi all,thanks for some really good points for me to consider.

lol, fb2! I am sure there are some decent men who don't wear socks! I was just disappointed to learn all that about Einstein when I went the museum exhibit so I had to share. As for the pot bellied men with slim beauties, guess the slim beauties were comfortable with that! I am not a slim beauty but I am honestly not attracted to men who are hefty. A little beer gut or love handles is not a big deal. LYING with your photos is deceptive and not cool! He was using pics from a year old. He had gained 50 pounds since those pics.

I don't want to lead him on because that sucks! We all want someone to be just as interested in us as we are in them.

kerry- you are so right about rehashing things in a couple of days. Friends is better before intimacy when pursuing something more serious IMO. (i don't regret my fling!) The past relationship came up...when he asked "what happened? were you separated? how long since you have been together? When did he leave?" i.e. 20 questions. I didn't go into great detail.

Mystik and Violin-- yep. Nipping it in the bud. Tomorrow.

But I am thinking of sending him a message saying that I went out with someone else that I feel more of a connection with and want to pursue that at this time. Sounds ok, right?

How do I answer the question, in the middle of dinner, if a guy asks me "how do you feel the date is going so far? So do you like me?" and those kinds of questions? Sheesh...

Now This is actually Orenco, not City Guy. City guy has been emailing me. He is a few extra pounds and admits it up front. I have seen a photo and he still looks attractive to me..he is big on authenticity so maybe his photo is current? OUr email correspondence is interesting so far...meaning I feel comfortable talking to him and motivated to come up with something clever--mentally stimulated!


who knows when/if I will meet him though. At least he emailed me back again today!
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/14/10 05:49 AM
I dont like it either when someone I first meet asks me questions about my marriage.

Your response to Orenco should be honest..."I think you are a great person with lots to offer, but we did not make a connection. I wish you all the best in the future".

Now I gotta ponder whether to send an email to the lady who suggested we meet Thursday evening but has not gotten back to my last email response that said sure.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/14/10 11:13 AM
I like Kerry's response, sounds like something a woman would say!
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 10/14/10 01:24 PM
Oh NM!

I am living vicariously thru you! "Newmama's Dating Adventures"! smile
I like a guy with a "few" extra pounds, more to hug!...I will never date a guy that weighs less than I do!!!!
Can't wait to read the next chapter!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/15/10 02:31 AM
Thanks all-Orenco texted me a ":)" at 4 something. I was totally swamped at work and felt annoyed. I don't think I would have felt annoyed if I was crazy about him!

So just a couple of minutes ago, I did the following

1)Country Guy emailed me and said "sorry about Tuesday. It was too hectic! Want to grab a drink on Saturday?"

to which I replied "sorry I haven't gotten back to you! It has been crazy! But I would like to meet with you. How does 7 on Sat sound?"

2) I sent a quick email to City Guy to ask a q in response to hi last email and said "I am writing you more later! stay tuned!"
(He has sent me those kinds of emails before)
fyi--he didn't respond to my email about my alone time-- he said that he really appreciates it when someone "gets" that he needs "me time" especially being a single parent. He mentioned starting a work out regime as well.

3)I emailed Orenco and said something like I planned- met someone I had been emailing and felt a strong connection to him; I didn't feel that level of connection with you. Take care...
(don't remember the exact words)

ok well I am going to receive my son, put him to bed and I will be back to read others' boards.

Kerry-- what did you say to that woman? I like how country boy emailed me to see if I was interested still and confidently asked me out again. I really was going to email him again but haven't had the time. Maybe your match woman is swamped, too!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/15/10 03:13 AM
OH GOOD- I didn't sound too cold. Here is what I said to City Guy:
"Thank you so much for meeting with me and treating me to dinner- I was not intending to get a free meal or anything! But I have been emailing another fella and met him tonight. I feel more of a connection with him. I'm sorry- but you know how it goes...sometimes there is just really strong chemistry right away. Take care, NM"

ANd he replied "no worries. Take care,beautiful :)"

And I heard from Country Boy who said he would totally meet up on Saturday and wanted to know what was keeping me busy. "Work? Let me guess, grading?"

haha!

So much easier to play hard to get when you are really busy! I did reply and say that I was busy at work but also had some social events with friends and family (true! My aunt came over and I met a new friend..."city guy")
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/15/10 03:24 AM
Good deal on letting Orenco down. Besides City Guy and Country Guy, there hopefully will be more.

Match lady sent me an email this morning asking about meeting this evening. I called her up to arrange a place to meet and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on the phone. She lives in Washington so we met and talked for about an hour or so at a Starbucks/Barnes and Nobel on an island between the two states. I get the feeling that we both hit it off well and she sure does have a lot of interests in common with me.
Posted By: fb2 Re: In the process - 10/15/10 04:21 PM
Confucius say: "Playing with matches start fire!"
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/15/10 10:29 PM
Confucius say: "Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!"
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/16/10 03:11 AM
Kerry- glad to hear about your date! Distance sucks but a benefit is that it helps things to go slower, right? And you sound wise to take a couple of days to process.

I will do the same tomorrow!

On another note- I was able to wear my size 10 jeans today- the first time in 7 years! Woohoo! So hopefully I can continue to wear them. They are Gap Jeans, bootcut and well made so they are still in style.

and fyi-- THE BOY from my class has been evaluated...normal IQ. Poor guy has a severe communication disorder. frown He is doing better but my boy with Autism is so flippin loud-- lots of noises and echolalia and stuff. He is so sweet--the other day he was obsessing with the electric pencil sharpener, I asked him "why are you sharpening pencils?" he answered "because it's a little bit fun." lol! Today I asked him to make up a story with a bat. So he said that Sharpy the Bat (Vampire Bat) tried to bite a dolphin. The dolphin said "there's no biting allowed!" and the bat flew away.

oh and my son...haven't reported much about S but he is still babbling away with jibberish and never stops moving. EVER. He and I went to my Gram's to deliver Costco stuff. He ran down the hallway in her assisted living home and all the old folks lit up when they saw him! Sometimes he cried when he saw them and other times he smiled back (some old people are scary looking I guess...?)
He is into stacking things now and still boogies. Today there was some song on the radio with a steady beat. I look back at him in his carseat and he is throwing his head back totally in time with the beat! Coincidence? probably but it was still adorable. And now he lifts his arms up to say "pick me up" and lays his head on my shoulder to initiate a hug.
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/16/10 04:04 AM
Aww, so sweet at this age aren't they? DS is the same way, always on the go.

Glad you finally have a diagnosis for THE BOY and now know what his special needs are.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/16/10 08:33 PM
This morning I made some hummus and salsa...in addition to breakfast for S. Then
S and I went to a different pumpkin patch that had a train ride and a boat ride and animals and a maze...it was supposed to be fun! It was all right. Here was the downside of going without someone else:

-we had to wait in line for 20 minutes which is a long time for a toddler who wants to walk around...other couples had one person hold their place in line while the other walked around with their toddler/kid.
*I guess in the future I could just ask someone behind me if it is ok that I get my spot back if I can take S around...

-I couldn't get a pumpkin because I couldn't carry the pumpkin and S (no strollers allowed on the train obviously)

-I couldn't get good pictures of S...he was wandering off, never looking at the camera. I had to stop him from going to the dangerous spot or I could take his picture. Very tough to do.

Well, on the way back we stopped at Sonic and I had a diet Cherry Ocean Water and got S an orange creamsicle type milkshake. He was able to intently suck from the straw because youknow how hard it is to get a milkshake from the straw! By the time we got home, he had broken the styrofoam cup and dug his fingers in it, and had milkshake on his clothes, car seat, hands...but not his hair! I went to take it away from him and luckily he only had about 1/3. I threw the rest away.

So now I am going to take a nap and be lazy until it is time to get ready to meet Country boy.I have 4 hours of lounging around! YIPPEE!! SO MUCH TV to get caught up on, too. Parenthood, 20/20, Nightline, Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen, The Office, 30 Rock, Oprah....and much much more!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/17/10 12:45 AM
I love Hell's Kitchen. Cannot stand that Sabrina chick but she wasn't too bad this past episode. And The Office was great, too.

Sounds like the pumpkin patch was a bit tough. It is hard to have an active toddler all by yourself in a long line. And how funny but frustrating DS must have look with creamsicle shake all over himself. Some times you just have to laugh.
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 10/17/10 03:05 AM
hi! just got caught up! smile
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/17/10 03:10 AM
Hope you enjoyed your afternoon. Sounds a lot like what I did today. Must have been single moms relax weekend.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/17/10 06:52 AM
Got back from my date with Country Boy. First, YUMMM!Hubba Hubba!
Second, he IS cheap. Huge red flag for me. But he paid for the date and left $4 on 25 tab so not too cheap I guess. But here are some tidbits:

-called me 5 minutes before 7 to let me know he was going to be late. That was good! He was working and time slipped by. No problemo for me.

-He arrived in shorts and a sweatshirt. WTF? I was wearing my usual: jeans and a cute blouse, but was definitely more dressed up than him. He said that he dresses the way that he is...he always wears shorts because it gets hot driving his truck.

-We talked 4 hours and he barely asked about me. The conversation wasn't about HIM per se but if there was a lull, I picked it up OR he started talking about something he did.

-He was a school board member and thinks the union is evil and that teachers are paid good enough. I don't disagree (except about the union). But when I asked him about his reasoning, he said that it had to do with all of the vacation time we get. He also seemed to think plenty of teachers just show up and leave early. What??? I told him how I loved my job but it is extremely difficult and that most of the teachers in my building are working long hours and tried to explain the demands we have.

-He seems to work, run, and spend time with his kids. He sounds like a devoted dad! I wondered if he had any time for dating. He has dated 2 other women since his divorce and both were teachers.

-I don't know what common interests we share. Honestly!

I really wanted to curl up with him on the couch or in bed.

So...if he asks me out again, I think I might go so I can make out with him at least, and then he may realize we dont have much in common...oh other than both of our spouses cheated on us. Except that his wife might have wanted to reconcile but he couldn't do it. It was hard to tell...he said they went to counseling but she was still with the guy and I could tell he was very guarded about the whole thing. The one time he shut up, so to speak, so I didn't pry! I UNDERSTAND.

Who knows if he liked me!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/17/10 01:25 PM
Hmm, those are some big red flags. I'd tread carefully with this one.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/17/10 03:02 PM
I don't know if I would really go out with him again. I was just kind of kidding around (sort of) about the physical aspect...I mean I am attracted to him but don't think I should have anything physical if there isn't anything else we have in common. Bummer!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/17/10 03:07 PM
A lot of it depends on what you are looking for this time around. Just some fun and male attention? Or are you thinking more long-term seriousness?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/17/10 03:29 PM
I have no clue what I am looking for, to be honest. I think maybe just an open ended possibility. Meaning someone that potentially could become a long term serious partner. But I don't want to move fast!

It is tough being a human being because we can say that we don't need romantic companionship but it is in our nature. We are wired for it. So what I am saying is that people on here might say to me "just GAL and focus on your S" all they want. BUt I have been doing that for at least 15 months and the damn drive to have companionship is still there. Can't deny it.

On the other end, my friends and family have wanted me to start dating since S was 6 months old!
Posted By: sandycay Re: In the process - 10/17/10 04:33 PM
NM~ it's tough out there isnt' it. Especially when one has been married. I always wonder how much contact is appropriate, especially if they are contacting you.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/18/10 12:19 AM
Hi NM,

Nothing to add except good for you for going out with the new guys and being discerning but still remaining open - that's huge! And it's a really nice way to be with other people.

Good for you!

Sincerely,
Mrs. A
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/18/10 03:08 AM
Well I got something in the mail from the court...a copy of verification of the money xh is paying me. I opened it while he was there. He dropped off S and then did some yard work. He was trying to make conversation (still wants to be friends of course) and I half heartedly replied. He was trying to tell me things like "have you noticed the weird looking babies at the daycare? I have been meaning to tell you! And did you know the director is back? SHe is totally better at running the place." I just said things like "yeah, there are a couple of goofy kids" (as I was packing up the car to go) and "no, I didn't realize she was back."

I don't have to talk to him; we are not anything other than having a business relationship where we share our S. Totally bizarre.

But S and I left for our outing while he was in the middle of the yardwork! ha!

He mentioned again about the damn yard and how the grass can be planted in the spring. BUt I said "if it ever happens."

Oh --but before then--
when I got the mail, I opened the letter and never told him what it was (I was tossing stuff in the recycling so I just opened it there). He saw the neon yellow paper inside and said "I got one of those too" So I asked "what's it for?" and he said something about the final notice. It doesn't look like that to me.

Hey at least I was wearing jeans, my push up bra and black low cut v-neck clingy shirt! My hair and make up looked great because I was going somewhere. I looked pretty good, damn it. (Yesterday I didn't.)

sorry for this being all out of sequence. Just getting it out!
Posted By: fb2 Re: In the process - 10/19/10 01:58 AM
Country Boy: It's not clear to me that his flags were necessarily red. Let's say he'd arrived on time, all suited and booted (cowboy boots of course) in a Cadillac, held door open for you, took you to the best restaurant in town, called you honey and sweetie, etc. What color would the flags be then? They'd probably be the right color for the little old lady from Pasadena.

I knew this guy (let's call him Dutch Boy) who'd take you to the restaurant of your choice, spend lavishly and as long as you don't ask to have sex with him ahead of time he always went Dutch. And the girls were drooling all over him and getting in line.

Fact is these guys have probably gotten burned a few times too. And apparently a lot of women get turned on by the "badas*" kind of guy. You are giving yourself a break tho', taking it in good spirt and having some fun which is good.

Don't understand why the cheating H comes to mow the lawn though? Is he trying to DB or something?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/19/10 02:43 AM
fb2- I guess the red flags for me personally was that he was cheap, he didn't bother to dress nice to meet me for the first time, and his political beliefs were opposite mine...

but the cheating EXh is not DBing. He agreed to take care of the yard work.

No word from city guy on email since the 14th! I am tempted to email him a "how's it going?" email. Yet he has replied in the past...usually within a couple of days. This guy was one who winked at me initially, so he was pursuing at first.

It's just that it really ticks me off when the men do not follow up even if they aren't interested anymore! And I never met City Guy.At least I have let the men I have dated know that I was or wasn't interested. What cowards to not just say it. How much easier can you get- via email with no face to face interaction!

And even though I am not interested in anything with Country Guy; same thing. No rejection. Just no follow up? grow up, already!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/19/10 05:15 AM
ha! I didn't email city guy and he emailed me! Said he was busy over the weekend, etc. So I replied and then he replied promptly.
I replied to his 2nd email promptly as well. Heck, I am not playing games because I really and truly get slammed and can't write for a couple of days sometimes!

But what is this...are we pen pals?

will I meet him?

am I too impatient?
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: In the process - 10/19/10 06:14 AM
Ah, at that awkward spot where someone has to say.... hey, want to meet?

I don't have a good answer, every time I get to that spot it is, well, awkward!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/19/10 11:42 AM
Maybe CityGuy is just too busy right now to meet in person. I say give it until you may be ready to say you want to meet in person and ask him. Maybe he is shy and talks easier online.

With CountryGuy, I definitely would not be able to date anyone who is under the belief that teachers do not work hard and just punch a time card. I will admit that I leave right when I can in the afternoon, but that is because I am here extra early in the morning, and I truly feel that I need to get S and S is my first priority, but when I have my students, I am totally devoted to them and give them 110%. So I definitely understand where you are coming from.
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/19/10 01:47 PM
Being pen pals is cool. Just make sure to practice safe english. Dont overuse prepositional phrases and adverbial clauses. Dont scold for premature use of apostrophe 's'. And always wear a spell checker when engaged in heavy writing.
Posted By: fb2 Re: In the process - 10/19/10 09:11 PM
"fb2- I guess the red flags for me personally was that he was cheap, he didn't bother to dress nice to meet me for the first time, and his political beliefs were opposite mine..."

Ya, understandable, dress could be a turn off. I for example like very clean and simply dressed and intelligent women with shoulder length hair preferably tied up in a pony tail. And loud colors, perfume, high heals and a lot of makeup and hair styling would definitely be a red flag for me!

On the other hand perhaps he was just being himself ("Country Boy") to set you at ease. Puzzling that he only dates teachers yet complains about their work ethic. My theory is that his kids get a lot of homework, have trouble with Math, he cannot afford expensive day camps in Summer and the teacher is not available to talk to about all this.

I'd go with Kerry's pen pal approach for now. This might serve to filter out the red flag types before you waste your time meeting them in person. And then when you meet them you can judge if what you see is what you expected. You also need more time to heal from the trauma of infidelity. Just my idiotic ideas.
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: In the process - 10/19/10 09:14 PM
Back when I was dating, I never took anybody seriously if they didn't want to meet. Not that I ignored them altogether if they emailed, but I defintely didn't take them seriously if they didn't want to meet.

For all I knew, they could be obese gay men posing as women, so... email only was a red flag too. smile

Have I confused you?
Posted By: Sassy Rose Re: In the process - 10/20/10 12:08 AM
Hey Newmama,

Long time, no see! New name, same initials, have moved over to MLC forum.

So...are you "officially" divorced? How long does that take in your state?
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/20/10 12:44 AM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Being pen pals is cool. Just make sure to practice safe english. Dont overuse prepositional phrases and adverbial clauses. Dont scold for premature use of apostrophe 's'. And always wear a spell checker when engaged in heavy writing.


Funniest thing I have read in AWHILE! Thanks for the belly laugh, Kerry! smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/20/10 04:29 AM
lol, Kerry! That made me crack up, too!! Wear a spell checker indeed! The worst thing is that when I am emailing, I get lazy about using proper grammar...and being a "teacher" I am supposed to never make mistakes, right? But I do notice if someone CONSISTENTLY misuses the 's or says "your" instead of "you're." I just don't judge them too harshly for it.

I don't know what an "adverbial clause" is! Is it saying "so" too often?

So last night City Guy left me another email telling me about his busy day today of working out before work, and then spending time with his daughter after work. I have told him my son's name and he has only given me an initial for his daughter. Maybe we haven't met because he is really cautious?

His birthday is next week. We talked about astrology briefly- guess we are compatible, haha! He's a Scorpio and I am a Pisces.

I am wondering if maybe he wants to work out for awhile before meeting. I already asked him once and he didn't acknowledge it, so I am thinking of making him ask me. But I will still communicate. MEN out there: YOU WILL eventually make the first move, RIGHT?

He asked me what a long time dream or goal of mine was. Yikes...all I can do is think about the immediate future. I don't want him to think I am shallow or unimaginative but honestly, my goals are to move on from ExH, be the best mom I can to S, be an effective first grade teacher, and be vulnerable again. SUre, I have hobbies that I want to work on but my life long dreams are kind of shattered. I am not being melodramatic- I honestly am afraid to dream big!!! after this trauma.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/20/10 04:38 AM
Sassy Rose, I couldn't find your thread in the MLC forum! I have been wondering what happened to you! I am on FB as Chatty Newmama so drop me a message.

Oh and the paperwork was filed. So yeah, I guess I am officially a divorcee.

Oh that reminds me- I need to set up a 403B Roth IRA plan. So if I go through a financial planner, how much money will that cost me? Can I set this up on my own, or do I need to go through one of those financial planner people?

I guess I can google this. I hate being ignorant but money is just as boring to me as technology so I only know the basics.
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/20/10 05:13 AM
An adverbial clause is a subject and predicate that modifies a verb. I like them because you can switch them around. If it is on front you throw in a comma.

We kissed after we arrived in his driveway.

or

After we arrived in his driveway, we kissed.
Posted By: Sassy Rose Re: In the process - 10/20/10 10:12 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
Sassy Rose, I couldn't find your thread in the MLC forum! I have been wondering what happened to you! I am on FB as Chatty Newmama so drop me a message.


I was gonna start a new thread in MLC right after I posted on yours, but got distracted! I'll do it later today.

I just set up a FB profile as Susan Rose and sent you a friend request. Your baby is adorable! Getting so big!
Posted By: Sassy Rose Re: In the process - 10/20/10 04:56 PM
My new thread is called, "When Did My Life Become a Soap Opera?" over in MLC.
Posted By: silverado Re: In the process - 10/20/10 05:58 PM
NM,
I sent you a request in the alt as well. (I share a monogram with Calvin Klein-hint, hint)
-silverado
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/21/10 05:27 AM
hi Newmama. I see you're perky as usual smile . You always make me smile. Some guy is going to be very lucky.

I say bummer to those folks who want us to be nun-like supermoms indefinitely :P . Yes, it's good to be comfortable with oneself, but truly most of us are meant to live in close relationship with other adults and in our society that generally means a romantic relationship. Yes, we have to do the emotional work before starting to date, but the work doesn't stop then. It's actually as we forge new connections that life confronts us with choices and tests and reminds us of what we've learned...and haven't learned.

I get a bad vibe off Country Guy. If he can't impress you on the first date, then that's not a good sign. Guitarist didn't spend one cent on me on our first date (we went for a walk), but he certainly did impress me and there were no false notes.

About City Guy...if he is not setting up a date there is a reason. And there can be lots of reasons. I think it's best to wait until he makes a move. And if he doesn't I wouldn't pursue.

Having said that I broke my own rule about that! When I met Guitarist online we IMed a couple of times and he said that he wanted to meet with me. We even exchanged email addresses to set something up. Then I didn't hear from him for a week! At the time I didn't know (but suspected) that he was dating someone else. I guess I was a "backup" since he's not really into dating multiple women at once. After a week I hadn't heard from him and against my better judgement I sent him an email saying "I'm curious about whether there would be chemistry between us...are you?". Aren't I a brazen hussy?? blush That was the nudge it took him to IM me and actually set up a date. I honestly think that he was too "distracted" and he probably wouldn't have set up a date without that nudge. And when he met me he was *very* glad that he did. But of course he had no way of knowing how awesome I actually am in person wink.

I guess my experience is that it's amazing how much you can pick up from a person by interacting online and from a first meeting. Trust those feelings and impressions. Sometimes reactions against people can be picking up on deeper stuff. I remember that on my first date with M he accepted my offer to go Dutch. I didn't mind, but it become obvious that he isn't a particularly generous person in other ways. Whereas Guitarist refused my "go dutch" offer when we first dined together...and he certainly has no more disposable income than M, possibly less. But he is a more giving person emotionally. The little things are big things in the early stages and we ignore them at our peril.

Hugs!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/21/10 12:50 PM
Originally Posted By: flowmom
The little things are big things in the early stages and we ignore them at our peril.


I really like that because it is so true!
Posted By: fb2 Re: In the process - 10/21/10 09:28 PM
Originally Posted By: awest1217
Originally Posted By: flowmom
The little things are big things in the early stages and we ignore them at our peril.


I really like that because it is so true!

If you count each and every small thing you won't go anywhere. You have to also look at the bigger picture like basic values. Either way you are talking a BIG chance.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/22/10 02:28 AM
Hi Flowmom! My instincts tell me that City Guy is interested because he continues to email me.I think maybe he is taking his time because he might be looking for something meaningful--AWESOME! However, I do wonder if he is dating others.

So I am just going along and if I start interacting with someone else, fine for now! BUt I totally do want to see if we have chemistry in person. I do think I will give it only another week (or couple of emails because that could take a week) and then will ask him about meeting in person.

As for the little things--I guess we all have our values. I hear men on the forum complaining about gold diggers or they feel like they were used for a free meal or something. To me, honestly, if a guy were to accept my "dutch," I won't be too alarmed UNLESS there were other flags (like with Country Guy). I just personally am not a cheapskate/tightwad and do not ever want to be with someone who is. ExH was not a tightwad but was responsible with money at the same time. That is what I want in another fella!

Maybe that is what you meant--early stages can give us signS (plural) that we are wise to notice. Not one isolated thing!
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 10/23/10 02:49 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
He dropped off S and then did some yard work. He was trying to make conversation (still wants to be friends of course) and I half heartedly replied. He was trying to tell me things like "have you noticed the weird looking babies at the daycare? I have been meaning to tell you! And did you know the director is back? SHe is totally better at running the place." I just said things like "yeah, there are a couple of goofy kids" (as I was packing up the car to go) and "no, I didn't realize she was back."



This makes me mad! I don't engage my stbxh. I look down and give a really clipped "hm" when he makes comments. He gets all awkard-- YUP!

smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/23/10 08:32 PM
You know, I am getting a little annoyed with this super slow email exchange between City Guy and I.

I think I was wrong- if was "into" me, he would be emailing at a faster rate, don't you think?

So, last time I heard from him was 4 nights ago when he asked me what my big dreams were. I repied on Wed, three nights ago.

I am such a closure person--maybe I will wait again and THIS TIME ask him point blank if he wants to meet sometime! what do you all think?!? And don't do this to someone, please. (correspond too slowly on an internet dating site)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/23/10 08:34 PM
Gatsby, thanks for stopping by! I would prefer he didn't try to talk to me but don't know how to deal with this and don't really think ANYONE knows. Like I read on another thread, KerryK mentioned that there are self help books written out there by people who are sharing a perspective or viewpoint, but we live our own lives and have our own codes.

hahaha! I don't know!
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/23/10 09:03 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
You know, I am getting a little annoyed with this super slow email exchange between City Guy and I.

Dont rush it grasshopper.

Time is relative.

I've been chatting and cooresponding with a nice lady who works just a few blocks from me since July 2009. I may ask her out again as I think she is at a new stage in life.

It is hard to get the stars to line up. When the moment is right, it will happen.

Learn to enjoy things on your own much more. Then there is not chance of codependency that can cause one to choose badly.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/23/10 09:33 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
You know, I am getting a little annoyed with this super slow email exchange between City Guy and I.

I think I was wrong- if was "into" me, he would be emailing at a faster rate, don't you think?

So, last time I heard from him was 4 nights ago when he asked me what my big dreams were. I repied on Wed, three nights ago.
He may be "into you" but juggling other women -- fair enough right? It's a dating site. Plus, as I wrote before, he hasn't seen your IRL awesomeness yet. He doesn't know if he's into you or not. I wouldn't suggest putting him on the spot about wanting to see one another. I was determined to make Guitarist make the first move, so when he talked wanting to meet and exchanged email addresses but then I didn't hear from him for a week (!!), I was very discouraged. But I couldn't get him him out of my head, so I sent that "nudging email", which prompted him to ask me out. I would suggest waiting until a week has passed and sending a "one last chance" nudging email if you're still interested. I think my nudging email was more flirty/an invitation than a "so what's the deal, do ya wanna go out or not" email would have been. It expressed my interest but it still put the ball in his court and left space for him to initiate the next move.
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: In the process - 10/23/10 09:45 PM
Yeah, that's the trick with the dating sites. I can't totally control whether I'm talking with no women, or maybe four. I really prefer one at a time, but I also don't want to pass up on chances to meet interesting people. Once I have been on two dates with one person, and intend to continue, I'll shut down the others. I don't like the juggling act aspects, but I don't know how to avoid it.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/24/10 06:12 AM
well I haven't even received a wink now from match for over 8 days! Maybe because I haven't signed in? City guy gave me an alternate email so I have been corresponding with him through that email since last weekend. Maybe if my "activity" report says "hasn't been on in 7 days" that could deter people? I know, I could be fishing and I do that as you know. BUt am not feeling super enthused!

Tonight it is stormy, I am exhausted and skipped out on a meetup where we would be dressed up and go dancing. NOT feeling like it- and I feel good about my decision! I talked to a friend on the phone and caught up on "Teach" with Tony Danza on A&E (HIGHLY recommend it for nonteachers and teachers alike)

This a.m. I took S to a science museum and we haven't been since he learned to walk! So he had lots of fun. I can't wait until this time next year when we can engage in even more exhibits.

ExH came to get him just as we entered the house (I was running a tad late). I had to change his clothes because he was soaked from spilling his drink all over him. So we had a few minutes of "chit chat." I explained how we just got back from that place and that he was actually not into the sand pit part, which surprised me because he loved the sand at the beach this summer.

ExH said "you went to the beach this summer?" WTF?!? idiot! Ummm yeah, twice and once was for an extended weekend with my friends- I KNOW I told him about both times and made a point to mention how he played in the sand! Did he totally blank that out or was he just playing dumb? I don't know.

He also warned me about the storm tonight and told me he would be able to rake up some leaves. Same old, same old... shouldn't things be different now that we are officially divorced? Don't misunderstand waht I am saying.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/24/10 06:16 AM
Thanks for the opinions about City Guy. I guess I will "see" if he replies! But you're right, Kerry- what's the rush, really? Timing is the whole story. I guess the best thing is to get busy with my life (no problem) and not think about it.

Why couldn't I be born "asexual?" smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/24/10 06:22 AM
wow, they have shortened the time to edit! I swear, in the past I had 5 minutes and now it is a minute or less?

What I wanted to clarify is that I am NOT reading into exH's talking points to mean anything! I am just saying that he really hasn't altered his talking points much this whole time so WTF (yes I think saying F is warranted) did he postpone the D this whooooole time when he is just playing status quo? Do you get what I mean? What a selfish, stupid, idiot a hole!!!
WHy can't he be cold, or just business, or just say the word DIVORCE and not refer to it as "paperwork?" honestly!

(I have not reported our conversations verbatim--no mention of relationship talk or anything! I am just reporting the basics of the convos)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/24/10 06:24 AM
and I am not regaining the weight I have lost but damn, french toast with syrup bacon and scrambled eggs sound reeeeally good! smile smile
Or a man covered in syrup would be better!
I mean a man I found attractive-- we wouldn't have to talk!
Posted By: smith18 Re: In the process - 10/24/10 07:21 AM
Uh Oh! This thread is starting to turn to cannibilism talk. Not good.

The science museum...

It starts with an O and ends with an I and is an anacronym.

The first date with my future wife was there. The first exhibit we saw together was the stages of the fetus. I remember thinking to myself... "You want that? I can give it to you." I had no idea that I would marry her about 3 weeks later in Vegas.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/24/10 03:00 PM
I remember looking at the fetuses and thinking "wow, those were real, live fetuses and babies. They died for some reason or another and their lives were donated to science. Is it necessary to really look at a live one or can we just look fake ones that have lots of carefully crafted details?"
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/24/10 03:01 PM
there is NO editing time! How can we get them to change that?

What I meant to say: "is it really necessary to look at dead one" (not LIVE one)
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/25/10 12:04 AM
I hear ya newmama. STBXH never uses the word divorce, never ended our "trial" separation, and never refers directly to the legalities of the legal separation.

And yes, if one is harbouring hope, the lack of clear communication is irresponsible in the part of the WAS.

(((hugs)))

For the online dating thing, I know that on the site that I'm on it sorts some of the searches according to "last time online". Also, people do look at that and assume the person is not available if they are not logging on.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 10/25/10 01:35 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
and I am not regaining the weight I have lost but damn, french toast with syrup bacon and scrambled eggs sound reeeeally good! smile smile


I don't want to gain any weight back either but something covered in syrup does sound good about now! lol

Always fun to catch up on your life NM!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/25/10 05:27 AM
thanks ladies! What a whirlwind night. Here are the bullets:
*S and I went across town to meet mom et al for dinner. Took the wrong exit and drove all around. Still beat them there!

*As dinner went on I was feeling more and more achy with chills and just felt like crap

*I decided to go to urgent care with S along in case I had a bladder infection (not good timing with conferences around the corner)

*I get lost because the freeway was all backed up. I tried to type in the name of the medical center into my Garmin GPS but it only gives me the one 10 miles away! It starts raining cats and dogs.

*I finally decide to head home and pray that I don't get worse over night (vomiting and fever). Suddenly, I find the medical center.

*I accidentally put on the child lock and somehow LOCKED S IN THE CAR!!!! IN THE PARKING LOT! I freaked out and found a parking lot security phone. They came out pronto. My car was a disaster--such a mess. I am sure I looked like some white trash irresponsible mom. S was screaming his head off.

*I sign in to the Urgent Care, bring S with me to give a urine sample and wait for over an hour, even though there were only a few people in the lobby. Turns out that they were waiting to contact my provider or something. Suddenly I smell S and his diaper is poopy! So I check in with the receptionist and tell her I am going to go change his diaper in the car.

*Finally they call me back and ask me to do a pelvic exam! I am a patient that always asks questions so I asked why it was necessary. They didn't find evidence of a bladder infection so they wanted to investigate.

*Wouldn't you know it, a good looking, young, Southern doctor was the one to give me an exam! The nurse saw that I was a single mom so she whisked S away to be taken care of by the other nurses. She said she was a single mom too and we chatted about our kids. I had to wait ANOTHER hour after the exam., but the nurses gave S a toy ball, crackers and juice! And he was sooooo good! Even though it was over an hour past his bedtime. I am so lucky!

*In the end, the doc surmised that I was having a rheumatoid arthritis flare up and told me to take my meds for some relief. Duh...I have been behind on giving myself the shot and I have to eat foodwith the prednisone so I tend to forget about that when I don't have breakfast until school.

We drove home without getting lost, we had more cats and dog rain, we hydroplaned umpteem times. I decided to get myself an ice cream cone at McDonald's. S was asleep. (I haven't gained weight-- when I have a flare up, it raises my metabolism temporarily).

I am so tired but had to tell what happened.
Thank you, God, for having such decent and kind people in the world! I felt very fortunate and now I know that if disasters happen when I am alone with S, strangers will help!!!!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/25/10 11:25 AM
So sorry you had such a bad night, but it is true that there are many people who are willing to help when you are alone. I hope you feel better soon, especially with conferences coming up.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 10/25/10 12:15 PM
Wow! What a night NM!
Seems that sometimes we have a day like that and then all turns out well in the end...

I remember when the kids and I were flying to CA (first time flying for all of us) to meet SS and H...got to airport and had to get on a down escalater! Kids were only 6 and 4 and we all had our pull behind bags...I didn't know how I was going to get all of us on there and didn't want to send S down by himself first...a very nice lady saw my predicament and offered to hold S's hand going down and then I could hold D's! It is scary to accept help from a stranger when you hear all these stories but there really are lots of good people out there!!!
Posted By: Fergie Re: In the process - 10/25/10 07:39 PM
Quote:
STBXH never uses the word divorce, never ended our "trial" separation, and never refers directly to the legalities of the legal separation.
Get me a pair of mouse ears to the club of "Big D Word Avoidance".

STBX hasn't said/written/sign languaged/smoke signalled/etc that word even now.

Must be a WAS thang....

--Fergie
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/25/10 07:48 PM
My H must be the exception because he has no problem throwing the D word around. I'm the one who can barely say it.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/25/10 09:23 PM
Gosh newmama, BRUTAL. It really doesn't seem fair that you had to go through all that while being so sick. Yes, it's awful that you got help, but it sounds like you were barely in a condition to drive! Glad you got it sorted out. (((hugs)))

You know, if I was VERY sick and needed immediate medical attention, I would probably call STBXH to help me with the kids, even if he had to meet me somewhere. My kids have a father and he can be there for them in the event that I cannot look after them. I'm separated, not a widow.

I know you're super independent, but consider leaning on your WH when the occasion warrants it. You didn't plan on being a single parent.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/26/10 02:01 AM
Hi Newmama-

It sounds like you need some R&R! If you ever find yourself in the great state of Michigan, let me know and I will take you UP NORTH - the most relaxing place in the universe! S would love it too! smile

Thank goodness you're ok. Isn't it crazy how the forces of the universe put things in perspective just when we need it most? Or maybe the universe is always putting things in perspective, but we just never notice until we're really down and out?

Anyway, still/always love catching up on your life. Also inspires me to GET.A.LIFE. !!!! smile

Sincerely,
Mrs. A
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/26/10 04:12 AM
I am feeling a lot better today! Still have body aches but the ibuprofen and my prednisone (only take for emergencies) seems to be helping.

Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't being independent on purpose...I really thought I had a bladder infection! And I thought no big deal, go to urgent care, pee in a cup, wait awhile, talk to the doctor for 3 minutes, get the meds, go home and feel great tomorrow. I had no clue that they would need to do a pelvic exam and then someone would have to watch S! If I knew that, I wouldn't have taken him with me...after all, we get a babysitter for doctor appointments, right?

It seemed more of a hassle to meet ExH somewhere or at the place when I honestly was just uncomfortable and achy. My fever was only 100.4! So don't worry, I am not a martyr. If I was super nauseous or something I would totally have called him.

The other thing is that I texted exh to let him know in case they were wrong and it is a bug. I have had RA for 13 years now and never had aches and pains in my lower back...and S' appetite started dropping off around lunch. He spit up at one point. This made me worried that I might have a bug and he could get it. I have conferences tomorrow and the next night, so I wanted to give exh a heads up to be aware that he might need to get his sister to watch him since I really can't reschedule all of those conferences! (18 tomorrow and 5 the next day)

ExH expressed concern for my health and reminded me that he could always watch him if I was sick and needed to rest. He added that he knew I wouldn't be able to rest much over these next couple of days.

Anyway, hope this clarification adds to things- I know I can and would call exH.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/26/10 07:13 AM
cool smile

hope you continue to feel better smile
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 10/27/10 02:29 AM
NM, hope you're still standing after 18 conferences. That A LOT! Maybe a massage is in order? smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/27/10 05:31 AM
still sick...chills off and on, even with the ibuprofen! This is a bug...my RA flare ups would leave me limping and unable to walk on my right foot. (No exaggeration)

I had all but 2 students show today and the conferences went really well! I have walked away trying to come up with one of those open ended math choice boards where kids who need "challenge" can choose to do different activities every week for the homework. My goal is to make the same one for awhile, so I am trying to have them come up with a number between 9 and 15 (for example) and find as many ways to build that number using 2 numbers. Explain how you found your answer.

And maybe a function box or math puzzle where there is an empty square, they add 12 then take away 5 and what do they get? (or they write in their own functions) Etc...I found a bunch. I guess I would have to explain a little about negative numbers!

No offense to parents out there, but I also provided a LENGTHY list of online math educational games that are rather sophisticated. All of the kids whose parents requested the math challenge have computers. I would like to think that would be sufficient...I do challenge the kids in class!

If S ends up being advanced (he's pretty average so far but exH was a math qhiz) then I will be happy with whatever because starting in 3rd to 4th grade, the work gets more challenging!! So read alot, research on topics, make your own books, buy those higher grade math workbooks at Costco....I am busy desigining behavior plans, making lessons more engaging and differentiated instruction that I teach IN class EVERY DAY. I hope I don't sound like a whiner..I teach FIRST GRADE, FOLKS!! relax smile

Opposing view points are welcome.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/27/10 05:36 AM
also I emailed city guy and said "how's it going? haven't heard from you in awhile!"

so we'll see if he replies.
IF HE DOESN'T after several days I am going to give a closure email saying something like

"please don't be afraid to let women know when you decide you aren't interested! We can handle it smile Best of luck on your dating adventures."

I am serious folks--people need to learn some email etiquette out there! I am coming to the conclusion that a lot of these guys are conflict avoidant and TERRIFIED of crushing the female ego or making us cry. Where did the big ego come from to make them think we are hanging on their every word and our world will crash if they aren't interested? Please! Sure we like them but we can find other fellas!

I am not really angry, just annoyed.
Posted By: Piano Re: In the process - 10/27/10 11:09 AM
Hi newmama, just swinging by to say hello :-)
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 10/27/10 12:25 PM
I am with you on the parents. Parents should take some respnsibility, whether it is helping remediate or challenge. Not to do everything, but parents should help facilitate that. I personally am for having students switch classes, kind of like high school during different classes so all students are taught where they are at instead of by "age". I think mostly for math and maybe a show language arts time each day. Maybe 20 minutes of math and 20 minutes of english each day so you would teach 1st grade math, but may have some 2nd graders with you who need to get some remediation. Then you would also have another 20 minutes for each subject where you review what you just went over and assess everyone in your regular class. Or maybe there is 30 minutes at the beginning of each day and you alternate Math and Language arts and nothign on Friday so that the students who need challenged are, those who need remdediation get that, and those who are on grade level just get some extra help.

Just a thought because then that would help the students. I know it isn't completely fleshed out, but something to think about.

Hope you feel better soon. It is so hard when you have conferences and teach and have S. Long days. Try to relax a little and get better.
Posted By: NotFromThesePart Re: In the process - 10/27/10 01:06 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
I am coming to the conclusion that a lot of these guys are conflict avoidant and TERRIFIED of crushing the female ego or making us cry.


Don't give us so much credit. We are terrified, but not of crushing the female ego, it is conflict in general.

I know I was that way. Not anymore. I'm realizing short sweet and to the point is the way to address issues.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/27/10 11:30 PM
Newmama, as I said before sometimes they don't actually want to pin themselves down one way or another because they are dating someone else but they want to be able to have you in the loop in case that doesn't work out. They don't contact because they are otherwise preoccupied and let's face it most of us don't really like juggling that much. Your "closure email" involves some mindreading...try to avoid that. It works even less well with people who you've never met wink . But I hear ya...believe me I hear ya.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/28/10 03:01 AM
ok thank you all for your feedback! I won't give a closure email.

As for conferences: I finished them all- only 3 no shows! I was still so sick today, wore my scarf and heavy red coat all day and hardly slept last night because I was miserable. I love that Parenthood show although it made me cry to see the couples bonding over parenting. I love how they show some realities of dealing with a child who has Asperger's.

Oh and zoobrew sent me a random text. I didn't recognize the numberbecause i deleted him from my contacts. I am going to ignore it. I am seriously fed up with the horrific communication. Especially since I sent him one a few weeks ago asking how he was, he didn't reply and then sent me some stupid "just thinking of you" text? He never acknowledged ignoring my text...besides, suppose I replied to his text. I don't want to deal with the hassle of not hearing from him.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/28/10 03:03 AM
clarification: he sent me the "thinking of you" text tonight.

No "Sorry I didn't get back to you, I didn't know how to respond." or something

kind of turned off now.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/28/10 03:04 AM
Piano, HI!! Welcome back! I have been wondering how you were doing!!
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/28/10 03:12 AM
Ah well, there are plenty of other good guys out there. smile
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/28/10 05:29 AM
When you think zoo brew and city guy, think "NEXT" smile . I'm trying to be a "choosy floozy" and not settle. It's hard because I think that as women and mothers we are programmed to be understanding and nurturing, etc. We need to make sure that we reserve that for people who have EARNED their way into our inner circle by being awesome and treating us the way that we deserve.
Posted By: avermont Re: In the process - 10/29/10 02:17 AM
Yeah. What you said. Being awesome.

The whole texting emailing thing--I kept saying, pre-D, that I was SO glad that I wasn't a 20 something, trying to do relationships via FB, text, email.

HAHAHHA. Joke's on me, I guess.

I'm absolutely terrified of open, honest convo. Which is why I'm here, of course!

But even in this email age--perhaps especially--applying DB lessons has got to be the way to go.

Don't know how that applies to your sitch, but I'm trying to learn from your dating adventures here.

The proper etiquette of texting. Has someone written a (virtual) book on that yet??

Keep dating, keep having fun, don't settle and don't forget your utter awesomeness!!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/29/10 05:53 AM
Hi Avermont! Good "seeing" you!

Quote:
I'm absolutely terrified of open, honest convo. Which is why I'm here, of course!


Funny you should say that because so was I! And today I kept thinking about how irked I was by being "led" on and then suddenly "dropped" with no explanation. I was thinking that people need to know when they are being rude or that it isn't ok to treat others a certain way! I need to know it, too, if/when I do that!

I had an assistant pull me aside earlier this year, crying, because she felt I was pushing her aside and snapping at her...I was. Not because I didn't like her but because I was SO STRESSED OUT) She called me on it. I had to own up to my actions, I admitted I was wrong, and I have changed my behavior in response to that conversation. We have been working well together since.

Now, I know it is unhealthy to prolong "the agony" in order to continue to have contact with a person (i.e. breaking NC, or picking a fight, or just finding some excuse to talk to them again).

But what if you don't have enough history to have "agony?" Why not just assert your boundaries?

On Wed at 5:30 zoobrew said "Hi ho newmama! Just stinkin' thinkin' of y'all. Hope you and your wee lad are well. Cheers, zoobrew"

I replied " Hi, zoobrew.Finished up with conferences and S is doing well. What's on your mind? Newmama"
THEN this:
"Should I assume you didn't my text several weeks back since I never got a reply?"

So my prediction? a) I will never hear from that scaredy cat again b)"no- I didn't get your text!"

if he says (b) then I will simply say "just so you know, when you send me a text saying you are thinking of me, it makes me think that you might want to see me again. Is this true?"

AND I WANT HIM TO ANSWER THE QUESTION! BUT HERE IS THE CRUEL PART:

I don't care if ever see him again. I don't want to put in the effort. BUT I WANT HIM TO LEARN THAT HE NEEDS TO NOT SEND MIXED SIGNALS TO PEOPLE!!

am I on the right track at all?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/29/10 05:57 AM
p.s. I sent my text 5 hours ago which was about a day later--not on purpose--I wasn't going to text him at all, seriously! It was just me thinking about how to break the cycle of conflict avoidance....or the "culture" of conflict avoidance. One person at a time!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 10/29/10 08:07 PM
Well said gabbysmom. I think that we are in the habit of putting so much energy into figuring out our WAHs, and feeling frustrated about our lack of control over a failing M. We have to watch that guys that we date, or even are in touch with on the internet, don't become our "victims". I know that's a trap for me too, but of course it's easier to see from the outside right? If your interactions with someone don't leaving you feeling AMAZING...then NEXT. Whatever is going on on his end is NOT YOUR PROBLEM...don't make it your job to teach etiquette. Save that for your son and students.

hugs!
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/29/10 09:49 PM
I think you should tell him exactly what you said here.

"I don't really care to see you again but when you send mixed signals it makes me think YOU want to see me again. I don't want to put in the effort with you. Hope you have good luck in the dating world!"

It is only a rough draft. smile When it comes to men you should tell them what you want them to know, not tell them something else and hope they do what you want! lol
Posted By: Babydoll Re: In the process - 10/30/10 01:22 AM
Hey NM!!!! how are you... it's been a while! Hope all is well.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/30/10 03:37 AM
HI Babydoll! I am too tired to recap it all but if you get a chance sometime just read the last 2 pages smile

Ok I am feeling great with my feet up and still experiencing the absence of being sick.....fabulous!!!!

So I may have figured out what I "had." S has a mild strain of E. Coli!!!!![STEC (Shiga-toxin producing E. Coli) Type 1] He got it from his daycare along with 6 other babies!!! I haven't reported on here but there was a case of one baby. They swore it was isolated but still were required to get stool samples from all just in case. That was Tuesday. We were told we would get the results any day and FINALLY today the health department called exH to inform him that S had it. I am glad they called him because I would have FREAKED OUT and not been able to continue working!

So luckily, with the strain that he has, he would have shown symptoms by now if he was going to get really sick. It pushed both exH and I to decide to look for another place. Obviously not together, I don't think. I don't know.

It is ok for us to take S out and about, we just have to wash after changing his poopy diapers.

He will be sequestered at his daycare with the other 6 babies/toddlers starting on Monday for 2 weeks.

I haven't told anyone that I work with that he has it. It dawned on me that it must have been what I had when I was sick for almost 5 days! I don't want them to think they could "catch" it from me. I didn't share any food with them or anything.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/30/10 04:09 AM
ok am off to activate my profile by using match again. I hope I can stay awake a little longer to enjoy some alone time!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 10/30/10 12:27 PM
Ugh, how terrible that DS is sick. Hope you are able to find a new daycare that you love quickly.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/30/10 07:57 PM
exH went to the meeting with the health department and it turns out this is a very rare form of E Coli...they never had a reported case of it where we live because usually people just think they have a "bug" so it doesn't get identified! Well anyway it is mild. They got it from the toddlers.

So I just winked at a few guys on match. One seemed rather clever! We'll see if he likes me! I always feel like I need to find a hobby,lol, or a sport. Yeah and those NON single moms out there do not even start to say "so then go find a hobby/sport." I guess I can in about 3 years...

ok off to go see The Social Network and have a HUGE box of kettle corn! I weighed myself and am at my goal weight. So that means I get to eat.

This weekend I resume working out though.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/30/10 07:58 PM
NO, DS iS NOT SICK. He has E Coli but NO symptoms whatsoever.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/31/10 01:07 AM
Very good movie! Watch "The Social Network." It was riveting,actually, and I am proud to say that I didn't eat my full bag of kettle corn!

I went to one of those self serve frozen yogurt places and got raspberry and chocolate....one of my all time faves!

I got a wink from a pretty good looking guy...I will wink back soon, I think. He wants to be a helicopter pilot and currently owns his own landscape business. He emphasizes the importantce of being OPEN and honest. (Ha- like City Guy who totally dropped me without explanation!)

OH, and then I got a "thanks, but not interested" from one that I winked at! (not the "clever" one, luckily! In fact this one could have been boring so I am not too disappointed)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/31/10 01:10 AM
Oh and I picked up about 6 books for S and 3 for my class. Now I am fixin' to make me some tomato soup with lots of crackers! I need to watch "Milk." I have had it for almost 3 months now.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/31/10 03:00 AM
Hey newmama, what type of things catch your eye about a guy when you decide to send them a "wink"? As a guy who has just started the whole internet dating thing I am curious what it is women look for. smile
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 10/31/10 03:32 AM
I hope DS gets better soon!
I don't even want to think about this dating thing...I will keep watching you and learing!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/31/10 01:45 PM
Hi Violin, I think it depends on what we individual women are looking for! What I think is "cute" may not be "cute" to someone else. I am not into church, for example, and other women are.

the 3 guys I winked at this latest round:
-all were divorced with kids
-all were between my age and 40
-all were attractive (to me)
-none were overweight
-all were Caucasian (I am only attracted to white guys)
-all had "natural" pictures and several--there are so many guys on there who have these cheesy forced pics where they are showing their "muscles" or they are are

Their profiles varied but they had some things in common (interest wise). None were religious, none were conservative politically. I think all were "spiritual but not religious"

I think a couple were entrepeneurs and one was into advertising.

What has been interesting, is that lately I see a lot saying they are looking for women who love their job. I also see requests for women who can talk about current events and politics.

I think that as a rule, women just don't wink as much as men do. Why?Maybe we don't have to because the men wink at us. So if you are not getting a wink, don't think it means anything! Just wink away.

OH and the guy I went out with who was 50 pounds heavier than his pic was someone who didn't have an account with match. So he didn't wink back for over a week because he had to sign up. Maybe some women are in that category.

Violin let me ask- who do you wink at? Also, how much of a turn off is a squishy stomach if the rest of the figure is good?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 10/31/10 01:46 PM
CW, dating just isn't as much fun this time around (compared to before I was married). So don't rush. At least you know that divorced guy would totally go out with you if you would ever be interested in him!
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/31/10 02:16 PM
First off, I still have not subscribed to the site so maybe the one wink I sent out could not be returned! lol

Yeah, I only sent one last night just as a test. I know I will have to join in order to get anywhere at all with it. I took some advice from a seasoned vet on there and did not mention any specific things like, my job, my income, my home, because women would make judgements about me for the wrong reasons. I think I would have to agree with him but people are going to judge you anyway in that situation! The goal is to get them to judge me on a first date, not on some online profile.

Most of the women I am interested in are Moms. I am actually leary of women who do not have kids yet because I don't think I want anymore kids. I do know some ladies who are in their early thirties and do not want kids. That seems to be an exception though.

I guess it is a very personal taste. I cannot think of any one "type" of woman that I am attracted too. If I had to generalise I would say, girls shorter than 5'8" , funny/silly is a must, not too high maintnance, can cook popcorn on the stovetop, likes playing outdoors as much as shopping... I guess I like girlie tomboys?

The squishie stomoach thing is not a turn off if the rest of the figure is good. smile If a guy has kids then I think he knows what he is getting into.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 10/31/10 02:18 PM
Overweight is not good either. I am not overweight and I would like my partner to be just as active as I am.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 02:12 AM
Well I got another wink and he was pretty cute. He had a witty profile, loves his car and wants his girlfriend to "get dirty" with the grease....but he also likes other things that I do. So I emailed him a hello message. His job--didn't say.

zoobrew also texted me back when I was at the zoo! How funny. He said he is usually good at replying quickly except for now (not true) and that he would have replied if he ever got my text. All I said was "I guess I was just wondering why you were saying hi. smile Not to sound like a b!tch." Don't worry people- it doesn't cost me a lot of energy to send messages.

I also emailed the Helicopter Pilot. I can see a small baby hand on his shoulder in his picture. What the? Maybe his wife cheated on HIM. So we'll see how old his baby is.

Went trick or treating at the zoo....kind of. I mean it was a scavenger hunt of sorts where you got a stamp at the different animal sites and then at the end they give you a treat bag. It was full of free samples of cereal, granola bar, fruit leather, a pencil from a bank and a keychain from a bank.Where was the candy? NO SNICKERS? smile

Well I met 2 new single moms. The leader of the single mom group, Psych (she was a school psychologist) was rather guarded. NOt warm and fuzzy. Her husband cheated on her with a mutual friend when her son was a couple months old. He left to be with her.

She has only been separated since February but on the way to divorce. She wants sole custody and is fighting him for shared custody all the way. She was shocked that I was "letting" exH see S overnight 2x a week. I explained it was legal and that I didn't want S to not have a good relationship with his dad. But quickly stated that I am not thinking that is the case for everyone because I don't know everyone else's situation (akward!).

She kept saying how she couldn't imagine being with someone else, how would they interact with her son, that it was just weird to imagine.

The other mom didn't have a father in the picture. He was in and out. I don't know the story there. So it was enjoyable just to be with single moms who had babies and not children, but at the same time I got a weird "harsh" vibe from Psych. We'll see.
I would still do something else with her...her pictures show a warm, smiling and happy lady and her emails sound so friendly but...brrrr!!!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 02:15 AM
I care about the job of the men out there...I just want to make sure they have one. And don't just work at 7-11.I'm not a gold digger! I also don't want to have to only use a buy one, get one free coupon to go out to eat.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 02:29 AM
^^what is wrong with being poor as long as they have nice teeth?? laugh
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 02:31 AM
I was wondering about too though newmama. I left my income blank because I know my XW is on the same site. It might be double what it was when we were together by the end of the year. I don't want her to know what I make anymore.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/01/10 02:57 AM
I think job choice is more of a factor (for me) than income....I can take a good guess at the income. I am hoping that potentials have a rewarding career rather than a "job."
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:03 AM
My job is too unique. There are only a few of us in my city and I am the best looking violinmaker here. smile

Every single message I got on the free site was because of my career. Dating customers/potential customers is a bad idea!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:06 AM
You can say "music industry." Or, skilled woodworker/craftsman. Sculptor?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:09 AM
What's wrong with dating a customer? I mean AFTER they purchased it? Do you not 'guarantee' your work? (I am teasing you!!)

But I don't need to see the income! Like Donna said- career minded, not job!

So do you think I should remove the pic I have in my collection on my profile...it is a body profile shot (fully clothed) without my head.I was being kind of snarky and was thinking of how the men just look at the face and body real quick and don't read the profiles.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:11 AM
Without your head?? I like ladies with heads please! lol
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:12 AM
I think you should say "I'll tell you later" and it will be a conversation topic.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:14 AM
Oh and yes, I do guarantee my work. wink

I have already met a few women that play cello or violin and I had to let them down easy. I don't want them to go to other shops because of that! See what I mean?
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:16 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
I think you should say "I'll tell you later" and it will be a conversation topic.



That was my plan!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:19 AM
Ok so I got a reply from one that winked me- we'll call him "wine guy" because he sells wine for a living. So I just asked him some questions and then he answered them.

No questions for me. Nothing.

Then said "hope to hear back from you soon"

and his name was a nick name. It could be the same as my exH! I can't do that yet.

He didn't ask me any questions? How rude!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:19 AM
they might wonder if you are inept in uploading a pic, though...I've read a few complaints on that.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:22 AM
Maybe he is still thinking about what to ask you?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:22 AM
and zoobrew just said "I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother you. I simply thought of you lately and just wanted to give a shout out to say hi. Happy Halloween to you and S."

So I said "Ok. Considering the context in which we know each other I thought maybe you were saying more than hi but guess not. Well Happy Halloween to you and (listed all 3 kids). Don't scare yourself with too many movies!"

take THAT honesty, zoobrew!
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:23 AM
What did you ask him anyways?
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:24 AM
That is what I am talking about! I like it.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:28 AM
Hi NM,

So sorry to hear what DS is going through, and you too!

On another note, love your text to zoobrew. It's all about the experimentation! Sometimes it's just so fun and interesting to put something daring out there with a person in whom we're not deeply invested - just to see what happens! I'm not brave enough yet to do it in the dating realm, but I've been doing it kind of a lot at work. It's so funny who reacts! My close friends are kind of put off, but my new assertive attitude doesn't really seem to affect the others! Soooo crazy....

Anyway, I hope you'll keep us posted on Zoobrew and everything else!

Sincerely,
Mrs. A
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:35 AM
Oh, the wine guy? I asked him where the pic of those French barrels came from and also asked him about his username. It was a short email, not asking him about his life story or anything, but the point is that all of the other guys have asked me a q when emailing me and he didn't.

He said he might be leaving the area to pursue a job opportunity but it all depends on if he meets that special someone or not (prior to February- so he has 4 months to meet the woman of his dreams? whatever.)
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:37 AM
That is weird! Why tell someone that you might be moving away?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:38 AM
Mrs. A I will! Glad to hear my text reply was good!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:39 AM
I think I will let the wine guy float away on his barrels of wine. So many fish out there....but so many throwbacks! what do they call those in the fishing world I wonder?
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:42 AM
chum.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:44 AM
Yeah, he is a dope.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:49 AM
CHUM! LOVE IT!! You are really funny, Donna!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:49 AM
There are a lot of fish in the sea but you have to wade through the chum to find a good one.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/01/10 03:53 AM
Finding one might be easy but catching them might not be.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/01/10 04:10 AM
ewww.. I don't want to wade through chum.

Just watched Jaws with the kids on Thursday night.

"I think we need a bigger boat."
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/02/10 01:20 AM
zoobrew replied (paraphrased) that he was confused by what I was talking about. He asked if it was wrong to be able to say hi from time to time.

At this point I was kind of embarrassed because maybe he really just wanted to say hi with no strings attached. So I said
ok. well I hope you don't regret saying hi now that I have made such a big deal over it. laugh

He replied something like he will never ever regret saying hi, or talking to me or seeing me..;) that I am a very cool (and sexy) woman.

So I just said "thanks for the kind words. I think you are sexy and awesome too!"

and that was that.
SIGH. No harm done--guess the last time when I "dated" I was in my 20s and the only time I heard from someone that I "dated" post break up was for a booty call. So I assumed the same.

No damage done!

The helicopter pilot was excited to hear from me and asked if we could talk on the phone since it was faster. I will reply later tonight. He has a 3 year old son.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 11/02/10 03:26 AM
Hahaha, NM, I accidentally didn't refresh my screen for a day and I ended up replying to something that was 3 pages old!

I see you are onward and upward - YES!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/02/10 03:35 AM
OK, true confession time. I've been in helicopters quite often, and I usually get a crush on the pilot blush . I have to be flying with them to get the crush though. Helicopters are *great*.

Fun to hear about your adventures. "Plenty of fish" is the right attitude. Since I was looking for a confident man who was willing to pursue me, I decided not to initiate contact on the dating site...and I mostly stuck to my rule. Guitarist made the first contact with my sending a message, not a wink/smile. I liked that smile . That showed confidence...and he's continued to show confidence since then. I love that! And he has definitely pursued me, including phoning me to see if I was still attached the day after M broke up with me. So think of how important those things are to you.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/02/10 03:48 AM
Originally Posted By: v1olin
Hey newmama, what type of things catch your eye about a guy when you decide to send them a "wink"? As a guy who has just started the whole internet dating thing I am curious what it is women look for. smile

I'll chime in too:

* a handsome face with a lot of character (not generic attractiveness)

* a casual fully clothed full body shot to confirm self-description of body type

* no bitterness about dating, women, exes, etc (you'd be surprised how common this is)

* shows some evidence of passion (often expressed through strong interests or career passion -- but not necessary to spell out career exactly).

* willing to get with the program -- you're on an online dating site...no one likes having to describe and sell themselves but that's part of the deal so don't waste your profile bandwidth on that

* most men are probably not as boring as they come off in their profiles. get feedback from people who know you IRL!

I tried to avoid describing myself, because it often sounds really flat and generic when people describe themselves. Instead I tried to give a snapshot of the highlights of my last couple of weeks. Instead of saying that I like to have fun (who doesn't?) I tried to show how I WAS having fun.

This was my profile...I think I got a pretty good response.

Quote:
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." -- Dorothy Parker

Highlights from my last couple of weeks: Camping with awesome friends at a roots & groove festival. Rare steak and mojitos in XXXX Harbour. Tromping through the bush for a couple of days...survived two bear encounters but got covered in mud in a swamp smile

My interests and activities include: hiking, unique friends, jazz, global music, rock/pop, nature in all its glory, 20th century novels, the minutiae of daily life, geography, visual art, design, alternative health, psychology of happiness & productivity, spirituality including Buddhism, yoga, community living, urban strolling, travel, dancing, alternative education, and using dinner guests as guinea pigs.

A part-time career and two wonderful children keep me pretty busy, but not too busy for dating. If you're confident, manly, smart, and funny...I'd like to hear from you (35-52 year old XXXX area guys only please).

These are fresh photos of me.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/02/10 03:56 AM
Newmama, you need an attractive body shot with your head. The number one complaint that men have about dating sites is that women's bodies are not as advertised so I think that a body shot is a must, with a note saying that it's a recent photo.

Congrats on reaching your goal weight!! That is so awesome. You don't need to worry about your tummy. When the attraction is there that stuff doesn't matter. Believe me, I'm a lot older than you. Two babies, lack of fitness, and gravity have taken their toll, but I haven't heard any complaints wink . I think that men most look at 1. overall weight and 2. proportions. So you have nothing to worry about smile . Only perfectionists will get hung up on firmness IMO. I find that men assume that I'm a lot fitter than I am because I'm at a good weight for me. I have a slightly active lifestyle but I lost weight through calorie counting, not exercise.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/02/10 04:16 AM
flowmom - that is a great profile! I love the idea of what you have been doing, rather than "like." I might have to steal that wink

Can you post this over at the online tips thread I started, too?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/03/10 05:21 AM
Good idea, Flowmom, to describe what you have been up to rather than a generic list of descriptors smile

Well I just got back from my dinner with a girlfriend so it is too late to talk on the phone with helicopter pilot. I emailed him to let him know and asked if we could talk tomorrow night.

That's all for today!
I will let you know how it goes.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/03/10 06:17 PM
Hi mama,, is it ok I call you mama for short? Maybe hotmama? anyways, how many winks does a woman get on a site like match in a day? Do they post somewhere on the site what the male to female ratio is on there?
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: In the process - 11/03/10 06:20 PM
Quote:
Hi mama,, is it ok I call you mama for short? Maybe hotmama? anyways, how many winks does a woman get on a site like match in a day?


I'm going to guess 10-50 a day in the beginning if the photo isn't repugnant.

I don't really know, but I always figured it was something like that.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/03/10 06:21 PM
That is what I am thinkin too!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/04/10 01:08 AM
haha! Well before I was a divorced mother of a baby, I would get between 5-10 winks per day. This time around, It is more like 5 per week, sometimes more.

How about for you fellas?

Oh and if I said something flirty in my profile, I got more winks. I took out something about "it's ok to kiss on the first date" and sure enough, the winks have decreased.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/04/10 01:18 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama


Oh and if I said something flirty in my profile, I got more winks. I took out something about "it's ok to kiss on the first date" and sure enough, the winks have decreased.




Man I knew it! All a woman has to do is mention one little word "kiss" and she can hook a guy! I have no clue what I could put in my profile that would do the same thing. In 3 days I only have 22 views on my profile! Only 2 winks. frown
Posted By: desert_rat Re: In the process - 11/04/10 01:49 AM
Twenty two views in three days isn't bad. Pretty decent, in my experience.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/04/10 03:38 AM
violin, I'm going to reply to you in the dating tips thread 'cause this thread is all about our favourite smiley newmama smile
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/04/10 11:24 AM
Ok, sorry mama! We're cool right? smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:00 AM
You can totally post in here! I am dating online after all! I think your questions and responses are helpful, though, so it would be beneficial for others to read in the online dating thread.:)
Posted By: avermont Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:02 AM
Well, jiminy cricket, I'm going to post YOUR headshot on my site!

I don't' think I am a dog by any means, but when I say almost no traffic...I'm talking Small Town Main Street on a cold dark rainy night in November no traffic.

I'll revamp and revise my profile after Tgiving. Truth to tell, I have been too darn busy to even think about dating!

But it's time to plunge back in.

I'll keep reading your advice!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:09 AM
OK so I talked to Helicopter Pilot last night for 3 hours. But I do need some input- hopefully someone will see this in the next couple of hours.

red flag#1: he informed me that he got a DUI in February so he lost his license for a full year. He got a DUI when he was 20 (he is 35 now) so that is why he lost his license.

red flag#2: he is still in recovery and going to 2-3 meetings per week.

red flag#3: he kept talking about our future relationship together and asked me about things that I found important in a relationship and he is pretty much ready for a serious relationship. I told him I am just dating at this time and not ready to commit my life to something serious...

he said since we were able to talk for so long, he figured we had a connection and he wanted to talk again tonight (after my son goes to bed) so we can figure out when to meet.

I couldn't figure out how to end the conversation after I heard he is still going through recovery. I mean I didn't want to be like "Oh. Well, gotta go! Nice talking to you!" So we chatted about stuff for another hour after he told me.

I REALIZE this looks like I was leading him on, and I totally didn't mean to do that! Honestly! I was confused about whether I was being a judgmental person or not giving it a chance, etc. People do make mistakes.

I think if he had told me that he had already gone through this experience, (like let's say he said "a couple of years ago, I went through a dark period, got a DUI but went through treatment and counseling. I learned a lot, and this is how I put my life back together" etc. etc.) then maybe I would be more open.

So now what do I do? And in the future, I just need to find a way to end the conversation when I have a clue that the person is not right for me, correct?

arghh...I don't want to be a conflict avoider. How do I explain myself out of this situation?
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:42 AM
"Pilotboy, I enjoyed our conversation last night, but having had some quiet reflection time, I don't think we would be a good match.
I wish you well on your journey!"

And do NOT read any mail he might reply with, or answer the phone.

People who are going to meetings that often (and it is probably more; the trend would be to average down), really need time to do the work on themselves.
A DUI in Feb shows he still has a ways to go (he could have not only killed himself, but others around him).

DO NOT FEEL BAD about this!!! You have never met him - he is a grown-up - and life will go on.
Posted By: sandycay Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:43 AM
if someone is in recovery, they would tell him to wait a year before even beginning a new relationship.

RED FLAG...... listen to yourself.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:43 AM
(Talking with a guy for another hour does not equate you leading him on - not unless you also texted him racey photos of yourself!!)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/05/10 02:07 AM
ok so I know not to see him but I have to find a way to let him know I am not interested.

Thanks for reassuring me about talking and that it wasn't leading him on. We were throwing around times for meeting on Saturday. He wanted to meet tonight and I said "no, I can't..." without having a really good reason (couldn't meet after 7:30). So he asked about Saturday and he said he wasn't sure of the details yet. He asked me what time would work for me so I did give him an answer, like "after 5" but I need to come up with a pat response to avoid these kinds of traps! 'let me think about it and get back to you' might work...


So what if I did this tonight:
don't answer the phone when he calls (I could seriously go to bed in an hour anyway)

text him to let him know that I think we are in different places in our life and I am not interested in pursuing anything further.

what do you think????
OR
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/05/10 02:08 AM
no OR- stupid edit. Crap- he is calling!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/05/10 02:18 AM
Follow Donna's wording! Too many red flags newmama! You're an employed mother with a baby...you don't have space in your life to take on someone else's problems. Talking about future relationship that quickly is a huge red flag. YOu want someone grounded in your life, not a flake. Gotta be RUTHLESS about weeding out guys who aren't right for you. I know it's hard
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/05/10 02:24 AM
Where is Donna's wording? How do I word my rejection to him?
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: In the process - 11/05/10 03:14 AM
It was back a page.

"Pilotboy, I enjoyed our conversation last night, but having had some quiet reflection time, I don't think we would be a good match.
I wish you well on your journey!"

Send it through the email - use the one provided by the dating site if that is all you have - don't text, don't answer the phone.

Anyone who pushes you to meet that quickly, tell them that you'd like to get to know them a bit better first, so you have something to talk about. Honestly, if they push about ANYthing, run, don't walk, away. No way to start any kind of relationship. Remember, when you first meet people, you are teaching each other how you want to be treated. NEVER say yes to something that you don't want to do!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/05/10 05:44 AM
Newmama, no matter what you do with a guy, you need to give yourself permission to pull the plug at any time if it's not working for you unless there is a serious commitment. Don't worry about "leading on". You are worrying too much about the guy's feelings here -- you've never even met him! Worry about YOU and how YOU're feeling.

A decent man will be respectful of your decision...only a jerk would try to make you feel bad by saying you've "led him on" etc.

When stopped seeing Guitarist to pursue M, I hated doing it. We had had a wonderful date the night before and I knew that things had gone too far and I had to pick one. Guitarist was disappointed but incredibly gracious about it. His response to unexpected rejection spoke volumes about his good character.

I think you're going to need to consciously work on letting go of DBing and excessive focus on the man. This is a time to be selfish and listen to your gut and feelings.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/05/10 12:05 PM
Flowmom, I think you hit it on the head. It is hard to go from DBing and focusing on our spouses and to change the focus from others to ourselves.

NM - Just do what feels right. I know there are many on this site who swear by going with your gut instinct. I know whenever something happened, I always knew, whether it was gut instinct or me picking up on his vibes, I don't know, but if I would have listened to that it would have saved me a lot of heart ache. Really listen to your gut and don't be worried about just saying I am not interested, just like you want guys to do to you. Don't give specifics, but say thank you and it was nice talking, but I am not interested.

Hope you have a great weekend!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:30 PM
Thanks- I took the advice to email instead of text and here is what I just sent:

Helicopter Pilot,
I needed some time to think and reflect and unfortunately, I feel I am in a different place in my life than you.
I don't wish to pursue anything further. You sound like a devoted dad and your son is lucky to have you in his life.
Take care,
Newmama


So I am going to come up with something to tell these guys if I am not "feeling" it. If I am talking on the phone and discover something I don't like, then I will find a way to end the conversation "Oh--my son is upset. I have to go!" Then I will follow up with an email saying something like I don't think we would be compatible.

If the guy asks me to meet I will do something similar or if I have the nerve, tell him right then and there that I don't think we would be compatible.

Like I said, this is 1000% harder than 7 years ago!
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/05/10 01:32 PM
Those are a lot of red flags hotmama! Just think of how many other red flags would pop up if you REALLY got to know him! Run for the hills!

I think the advice that you gave me a couple weeks back would work for you too.

"After our phone conversation last night I don't feel a connection or chemistry between us. Good luck in the dating world, ta ta!"

Watcha think? wink
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/06/10 01:04 AM
Hey, Violin! That would have worked as well.

Here is what he said in response to my email:
"I respect how u feel and that u tell me, i am however wondering what place u talk about. We both r looking for companionship and i do know that it takes time to get to know a possible partner. I felt that we had a great start to opening the communciation between us. I wonder if it was something i said to u that made u feel different. I by all means dont want to be pushy in starting something but wish the oppurtunity to get to know more about u. Would u be willing to keep my number and contact me at some point or just wish to end all communications? I will respect what u choose. What ever u choose i do wish u well. Thank you for ur kindness"

Of course I won't reply.

It's funny because I go through these spurts of wanting to date and then I go back to wanting no pressure and just having time. My grandma suggested I just half heartedly look and every now and then go out with someone, kind of like I have been doing.

I keep wondering if I will meet someone in mydivorced parents group!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/06/10 01:20 AM
Newmama, good that you're not responding. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I find it really annoying that some men demand: WHY???? like spoiled preschoolers. We always have to keep in mind that in some ways we have less info about these people than if we saw them from across a coffee shop.
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/06/10 01:25 AM
I agree with Flowmom, you already said you're not interested, no need to respond to him trying to pressure you into a relationship.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/06/10 01:51 AM
The guy sounds like a big baby now. And what is with all the "u" and "ur's" ?? That shows a serious lack of effort on his part!
Posted By: desert_rat Re: In the process - 11/06/10 01:58 AM
No one likes to get the "I'm not interested" email, but there's a way to deal with it, and that's not it! Something more along the lines of "I understand", and "I enjoyed the time we spent together". And no talking about the future. It's not ruled out by not mentioning it.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/06/10 02:51 AM
yep, just another reason to confirm that it wasn't a good idea to go out with this guy!

I agree that it is a pet peeve to get the U R gr8 abbreviations but I do put up with it on text messages. There is no reason for it in an email, though!

This weekend...cleaning (woo hoo) and changing the bills to my name. I need to work out and actually want to! But I alsoreally need to go clothes shopping! But also need to work out. Not enough hours--there is no way I can clean or clothes shop or work out with S around.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: In the process - 11/06/10 02:56 AM
Originally Posted By: v1olin
The guy sounds like a big baby now. And what is with all the "u" and "ur's" ?? That shows a serious lack of effort on his part!


I'm with you on that one! He couldn't take the time or maturity to write in full words, and whined and demanded like a child. Definitely some areas lacking in that man!!!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/06/10 11:55 AM
Have fun this weekend. I am doing a lot of the same this weekend.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/06/10 05:07 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
But I alsoreally need to go clothes shopping! But also need to work out. Not enough hours--there is no way I can clean or clothes shop or work out with S around.
I hear ya. Clothing became a serious issue for me when I went from size 12 to 4, especially when fall rolled around. What saved my life was getting a huge pile of handmedowns from my size 4 clotheshorse friend. Try to find a friend in your size and let them know that you'd welcome cast-offs. Fashionistas often have loads of awesome clothes to download. I've also had great luck with ordering online when I find a brand that has the quality/fit that I like -- saves me so much shopping time and I just return stuff that doesn't work. A lot of my clothes come from the thrift store but online I order the occasional item from jcrew and boden.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/07/10 01:06 AM
size 4??? I am a size 10 now and trying to NOT lose more weight smile weird, huh? I know women usually want to be as thin as possible!


FM- based on the wonder woman costume photo, you don't look unhealthy, so being so small must go with your body type!

ok well I have cleaned a little but then got sucked into a great brainstorm for my classroom (NOT a genius idea by any means, just a practical one). So I got side tracked.

Also, have been watching Oprah shows that I dvr'd--Ricky Martin has come out of the closet, Oprah went camping for the first time and called all black people to start camping more, and then there was a show about men who were sexually abused as kids. I couldn't finish the show. ALso caught up on Nightline--one show had something about the craze behind going "gluten free" (which to me is just another fad to find a way to stay skinny with the exception to the real folks who have ciliac disease).

I am craving documentaries so I will be recording a bunch but can always watch them while working out,right?

And Kill Bill volume 1 is on while I type this..LOOOOOVE that movie!!!!!

Maybe I will find some recipe to cook for tomorrow night.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 11/07/10 04:15 AM
Hi Nm!

Just stopping by to say hello!

I am also wearing a lot of hand me downs and thrift store clothing! I also need to work out! A little toning would be a good thing! I am not losing anymore either...in fact, I gained 6bls in 4 mos so I must be feeling better!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/07/10 04:40 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
size 4??? I am a size 10 now and trying to NOT lose more weight smile weird, huh? I know women usually want to be as thin as possible!


FM- based on the wonder woman costume photo, you don't look unhealthy, so being so small must go with your body type!
Well, I'm 5'5", so not tall. I'm not small-boned, but at this size I still have plenty of fat and curves, not skinny at all. This is the smallest I've been in 20 years so it still feels new and different.

From the photos I've seen of you, you look great smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/07/10 04:59 PM
FM I can't update my photo on FB- it is just messed up. It will say the photo has been uploaded but it hasn't. I am 15 pounds thinner than the one from the summer! I am 5'4". It is so interesting how different weights affect people differently...yes you still look curvy and healthy at such a teeny size!

GM- you look so good, too! I wonder if we have similar frames because an 8 is the smallest I would go as well. Except you are blessed in the chest department! (I saw your pics smile ) I can't go shopping in any friend's closet, but I am not broke, so I can afford to buy some basic clothes. I would like to buy some from Ann Taylor Loft! I just might need to get $200 together and purchase 3 pairs of pants (30 each) and 5 shirts (20 each)and they will last me for another 2 years! I swear. I would buy more pants but I am always lucky to find some that fit.

CW-6 pounds isn't too bad. And toning will most likely gradually take it off! I definitely need toning. A toned size 10 can look like a size 6! Seriously smile

Am doing part 2 of laundry right now (always sooooo much!) and then will move onto the floors. I have to pop into my classroom for an hour and can't take S with me. So I have to have all of that done by 1:00.

Loved getting the extra hour of sleep!!!!

Just finished updating my bills to my name instead of exH...took over an hour! Crazy. But I also found some extra charges on my cell phone bill so I just got $15 shaved off for my monthly charges! Awesome!
Posted By: sandycay Re: In the process - 11/07/10 05:12 PM
Sounds like you are staying busy. Good way to handle your red flag man.

I dipped my toe into the match world.... boy it's like another job and takes to much time. Blech..... but I did meet a nice guy the other night, I posted about it on the dating thread...

It really does take some effort and time to weed through all that stuff, time will tell if it's worth it.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/08/10 12:10 AM
Well I purchased some clothes online from Ann Taylor Loft and was able to use a 20% discount for being a teacher!

I did spend $50 more than my budget...I think they post fewer clothes online and I could have waited to go to the clearance rack like you said, GM!

Then I skipped going into work and am waiting for a clearing from the rain to take S to a park that is further away and up some hills. A natural work out of sorts...

Also I cooked something for dinner! While S was taking a nap, I made chicken nachos using stuff I had around the house! I made an inventory of food and saw that I don't have to go grocery shopping this week (can justify the extra $50 now!)...S is with me tomorrow night, then we won't need to make dinner again until Friday night. (going out of town to visit a friend for her son's b-day party on Wed)



So I had an avocado, tomatoes, red onion, cilantro, a can of red beans, some frozen mangoes, frozen corn, chicken, corn tortillas, and cheese.
I sprayed 6 corn tortillas with cooking spray (each were only 45 calories!)and baked them til crisp. I chopped up the produce and
mmixed together for a type of salsa.

I drizzled some olive oil over the chicken breasts (that I sliced in half)and sprinkled some chili powder and cumin, then roasted in the oven. Next, I chopped up the chicken really small and topped the tortilla "chips" with it, then added the cheese and melted it all. Finally I topped that with the salsa mixture and added some light sour cream....DELICIOUS!

S picked out the chicken but enjoyed the rest (the boy doesn't like meat!)

Now he is "reading" books while I type this and we will be off for our early evening walk!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/08/10 12:17 AM
And I can just reheat this tomorrow night for dinner so I won't have to cook--

also, exH said he liked the 2 daycares I picked out but will need to figure out his budget. Yep, they are $250 more, but it is typical. We got what we paid for at the current place (it was only $800/month!) One of the daycares is 2 buildings from my school...that would be so great!

He mentioned how he is putting $100/month into a 529(right number?) college fund for S.

I thanked him and told him that I would need to do something like that for him as well. After I figure out my budget a little more.

Isn't it true that you can use your Roth IRA as a savings of sorts and I can take money out of it if I want without paying additional taxes on it? I better set up an appointment with a financial guy.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/08/10 01:41 AM
Funny, my S won't eat meat either. Glad you were able to get some clothes. I know nothing about financial things, but that is what my B does for a living so I am lucky to have a close advisor.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/08/10 03:51 AM
Awest, S will take a bite of the meat, get a weird look on his face and either just open up his mouth and let it fall out or he will fish it out of his mouth!

I have 2 meetups on Saturday the 20th. One is a wine tasting thing with dancing to follow and the other is a dueling piano event (again). Oh, and another meetup during the day for the single moms that is taking place during a time S and I can go!
I won't be going to both of them but I will need to do something that day.

Tonight S and I went for a walk to the park, and it was getting dark fast so we had a short visit. The walk was awesome, though! Gorgeous fall leaves, crisp air with the smoky aroma from fire burning in a fireplace, and plenty of hills.

I made a dessert- champagne sabayan (substituted pinot grigio) over raspberries and I added some cocoa powder. I couldn't remember the actual recipe so I tried to make it the way I remembered and it was too sweet! I ate it anyway....hey, the raspberries added fiber! I didn't give it to S just in case the alcohol didn't burn off.

My house is clean, the laundry has been put away and I
now I am nodding off at 7:30 as I type this! S is off a bit on his schedule so he is still trying to fall asleep. Top Chef Desserts is on in the background.
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 11/08/10 04:25 AM
NM, sounds like a great evening with the walk to the park and the dessert smile

Any plans for Thanksgiving? I so wanna go somewhere with DD on the long weekend not sure where lol
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/08/10 04:44 AM
Newmama, the nachos sound awesome smile . You're lucky that your S ate most of it. My children were and are sooooo picky. And the walk sounds even better. Hiking truly is one of the most inspiring things that I do.
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/08/10 02:10 PM
Sounds like a great day yesterday. Glad you enjoyed it.
Posted By: Piano Re: In the process - 11/09/10 05:32 AM
Newmama, I love the facial expressions our little ones make when they are experiencing new foods. D goes all pucker-faced with apple, at the moment. Fruit is not her fave thing!
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/10/10 02:50 AM
Originally Posted By: Fergie
Quote:
STBXH never uses the word divorce, never ended our "trial" separation, and never refers directly to the legalities of the legal separation.
Get me a pair of mouse ears to the club of "Big D Word Avoidance".

STBX hasn't said/written/sign languaged/smoke signalled/etc that word even now.

Must be a WAS thang....

--Fergie


There must be something that divides the "don't mention D" WASes from the "throw around D" ones. Hmm, interesting...

Mine also never mentions it. Maybe it shows he is an avoider?
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/10/10 02:51 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
Awest, S will take a bite of the meat, get a weird look on his face and either just open up his mouth and let it fall out or he will fish it out of his mouth!

I have 2 meetups on Saturday the 20th. One is a wine tasting thing with dancing to follow and the other is a dueling piano event (again). Oh, and another meetup during the day for the single moms that is taking place during a time S and I can go!
I won't be going to both of them but I will need to do something that day.

Tonight S and I went for a walk to the park, and it was getting dark fast so we had a short visit. The walk was awesome, though! Gorgeous fall leaves, crisp air with the smoky aroma from fire burning in a fireplace, and plenty of hills.

I made a dessert- champagne sabayan (substituted pinot grigio) over raspberries and I added some cocoa powder. I couldn't remember the actual recipe so I tried to make it the way I remembered and it was too sweet! I ate it anyway....hey, the raspberries added fiber! I didn't give it to S just in case the alcohol didn't burn off.

My house is clean, the laundry has been put away and I
now I am nodding off at 7:30 as I type this! S is off a bit on his schedule so he is still trying to fall asleep. Top Chef Desserts is on in the background.





Sounds super nice. I love Top Chef Desserts, too. Good for you!
Posted By: Piano Re: In the process - 11/11/10 12:26 AM
Newmama, here's my new thread in Newcomers! I was in Infidelity, but it was quiet there since the exodus so I started a new one. I could be in MLC or I could be here.... To answer your Q on Babydoll's thread my status is LIMBO:who's gonna file first & will it take months or years!!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102420#Post2102420

Hope you can check in from time to time :-)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/12/10 04:48 AM
Piano, I posted on your new thread!
Thanks, all, for checking in on me during the dry spells (aka lack of drama!)

Well I just got back from visiting my childhood best friend. S and I drove down last night for her 4 year old son's b-day party today. She is one of those supermoms but seems stressed out more than happy. I mean I think she is generally happy but has so much on her plate!

Something that I have been thinking about a lot lately is just how hard marriage is and how there are plenty of "dull" times or just being caught up in life and not with one another. We get busy with kids, jobs, family, events and neglect to check in with one another....it is a fact. I feel less guilty every day for my shortcomings because I realize that there is only so much we can juggle at one time.

If I were still married, I think that I would have had some serious, sad, disturbing but important "arguments" and then would have reflected and changed my shortcomings. I mean it is hard to hear criticism but it is necessary in order to change, right? The problem is that exH didn't give me the opportunity because he didn't bring them up until AFTER he was involved with OW. Too late--it then turns to a justification for LEAVING rather than an opportunity to improve the marriage.

I have been thinking about the ease of being responsible only for oneself (plus a child) instead of worrying about pleasing and taking care of a spouse on top of it all. The guilt of taking time for oneself and neglecting the spouse...the pressure of fitting it all in (spouse and S and job and friends and self and spouse).

It is hard as hell to take care of a child by myself. But I do have some built in "breaks" due to the divorce/separation where exH takes S. I wouldn't have that while married...I have no clue how that would feel or look like with a husband in the picture.

Bizarre stuff. Don't get me wrong- I would still prefer to juggle it all and be married(there are soooo many benefits to being married) but it is weird to see some silver linings to not being married. I feel very vulnerable sharing that with you all!!!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/12/10 05:02 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
I have been thinking about the ease of being responsible only for oneself (plus a child) instead of worrying about pleasing and taking care of a spouse on top of it all. The guilt of taking time for oneself and neglecting the spouse...the pressure of fitting it all in (spouse and S and job and friends and self and spouse).

It is hard as hell to take care of a child by myself. But I do have some built in "breaks" due to the divorce/separation where exH takes S. I wouldn't have that while married...I have no clue how that would feel or look like with a husband in the picture.

Bizarre stuff. Don't get me wrong- I would still prefer to juggle it all and be married(there are soooo many benefits to being married) but it is weird to see some silver linings to not being married. I feel very vulnerable sharing that with you all!!!
I totally get you on all of this newmama. It's bizarre and ironic that now that our M is over, I am finally getting the serious help from H that I needed all along...enough help and freedom to go out at night, GAL, etc. My experience as a mother of a baby was so different than yours...partly due to parenting choices and partly due to not having any significant breaks. And dealing with a spouse's needs is not trivial. I was AMAZED at how much less laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. work was required once H moved out. Not to mention the communication/negotiation/walking on eggshells. The silver linings are there and we should appreciate them. And also realize that in order for someone to step into the spouse role, it would have to be REALLY worth it, because it would involve some compromise.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/12/10 05:22 AM
Quote:
And also realize that in order for someone to step into the spouse role, it would have to be REALLY worth it, because it would involve some compromise.


Absolutely--and MORE compromise having kids as well as dealing with an ex-H.

I was thinking also- could this experience be the gift of having "hind sight" to bring to a new marriage at some point?

Yet, second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages.... crazy
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/12/10 12:36 PM
Second marriages have a higher D rate when both parties have not gotten help for their previous shortcomings. Also I think it is easier to D once you have done it once. I once again go back to my first thought, if it was as hard to get married as it is to D, then you would have less marriages fail because people would really look at themselves and make sure they were ready.

That is what we do on here. We get ourselves ready so that if there is a second marriage, it will last.
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 11/13/10 02:43 AM
NM, I'm a latecomer again, but something kind of struck me with helicopter guy and got me to musing...

Ok, you're very empathic (as my IC would say), so you felt bad after talking to helicopter guy for awhile and then not wanting to talk to him again. But people do that ALL THE TIME! Think of someone you might have lunch with at a professional conference - you/they seem to have so much to offer, but then you get back to your regular lives and you don't connect. You're just busy and it's no longer a high priority or whatever. No offense!

Weeeeeellll... casual meeting/dating seems sort of like the same kind of thing to me - in other words, it SHOULD be a "no offense" kind of forum. You chit-chat and then whatevs.

Dealing with the ex is a different story, obviously. But when it's a new person, I think expectations on both parts should be kept to a minimum.

Ok, just my two cents! I know helicopter guy is no longer in the picture! But thinking of future scenarios...?

On another note, I LOVE that the recipes are back!!!!! Nachos, YUM!

Sincerely,
Mrs. A

P.S. I may go out tomorrow night with another weird dude from Meetup and some of this post might be just psyching myself up to not feel like *I* have to be super-nice! Mini-hijack? Sorry! smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/13/10 04:15 AM
Hi Mrs. A, thanks for the example about the conference! I can relate to that--like having a long connection with someone on an airpline flight, too!


Well am trying to figure out plans for this weekend. Next weekend there are several meetups. Not so much this weekend...I could visit a friend out of town, I could treat myself to a movie again...shop for Christmas presents...cook something...work out... decisions, decisions. Since Match automatically paid for a renewal (I forgot about that!) I do have another 6 months paid for now. So I can play around with my profile and maybe change it to reflect what I "do" on a regular basis, like the last 2 weeks or something. (like Flowmom did on hers) Need to change photos....exhausting!

Oh, my exSIL called to leave me a message just to say hi and she is thinking of me. It makes me nervous- does she know something I don't about exH? She said she would try calling me back later this weekend.

ExH told me he doesn't have any plans for T-Day so I am assuming that means he is not seeing his family (otherwise he would have brought S).
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/13/10 08:06 PM
hmm, that's an interesting phone call. hope it's nothing; let us know.

lots of interesting thoughts on here.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 03:37 AM
That phone call was so last week! (LITERALLY) Nothing from him or any other men folk.

But I just updated my match profile. I just found the photo I finally uploaded to FB and cropped it a bit. The frustrating thing is that I worked on it for about an hour, sent it for approval, got the response that it was approved, went to check it out and my old profile is still there!

I emailed them to ask what was up and they give me an auto reply trying to use key words from my email to answer my question. They said if it didn't, then to contact them. SO YOU BET I DID! I just replied and said something like "thank you for answering my questions since I am paying over $100 every 6 months for your service." grrrr!!!!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 04:00 AM
I am not really in a bad mood- DAMN EDIT BUTTON!
haha, no seriously, I am just chillin.' Made some hummus for S (sans garlic) and some for me (with garlic). Used some leftover garlic bread to make a toaster oven pizza with pizza sauce in a squeeze bottle (really yummy!) turkey pepperoni, a string cheese stick shredded up, some red onion and topped with fresh tomato.
Total bachelorette cooking.

Am having a diet vodka tonic now. I looked up movies to go see but nothing looked good...


Also am trying to think of hobbies that I like that men like as well. I do like cards and am good at many card games, so why not learn to play poker? I have some knowledge of golf and have my own clubs but I totally need more lessons on basic stuff so am waiting for spring for the really good deal they offer.

And I want to be able to play some kind of sports game with S. (if he likes it)He might like plain old basketball but I can figure out how to dribble and shoot with him without lessons. (hey- if I mess up, it doesn't mess him up!) I don't think I would want to shoot hoops with "my man" though because I am not "fair" competition.

I wonder if he would like to play tennis. If he did, we could play together but I need to learn first. Sure, I realize he has about 6 years or so before he would learn, most likely. But I have read on men's profiles that they like tennis and it would be helpful to know how to play. There are free courts in the parks around here! Also, what a great way to keep in shape. I am scared to try to learn because I am scared that I will make a fool of myself and not be able to ever hit that ball or serve it. BUt it looks like fun!
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 11/14/10 04:04 AM
Hi Nm

Just checking in on you! I hope they get that pic thing figured out for you! I love the recipes too!

Thanks for stopping by my thread and the words of encouragement!

You are doing fine little lady!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/14/10 04:27 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
I was thinking also- could this experience be the gift of having "hind sight" to bring to a new marriage at some point?
I think there are things that we'd all do differently. And I agree about second marriages -- some folks are just bad spouses and they're never going to learn. Others LEARN and evolve. Honestly I don't think that I'd feel such a sense of devastation about my M if my children weren't involved. At least the stakes will never be that high again for me since I'm not having more children. I guess you're potentially in a different situation newmama.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/14/10 04:31 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
But I just updated my match profile. I just found the photo I finally uploaded to FB and cropped it a bit.
Good for you! I've noticed that sometimes profiles really catch my eye when the profile photo changes. There was one guy who had a decent profile, but his photo didn't grab me. Then he changed his profile photo and I just found his face adorable! His personality showed through so much more in the new photo.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 04:36 AM
Quote:
Honestly I don't think that I'd feel such a sense of devastation about my M if my children weren't involved.

I know I would feel LESS devestation for sure!

Quote:
At least the stakes will never be that high again for me since I'm not having more children. I guess you're potentially in a different situation newmama.


No, contrary to popular belief from everyone (lol!) I do not want to give birth to any more children. If I meet a fella and we fall in love and he has kids I will grow fond of his kids in a stepmother way, but no more new kids for me. I do not want my son to be the half child.

Also I have a class every year of children so NO MORE KIDS for me! smile
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/14/10 04:47 AM
Fair enough newmama. Good to know about yourself. I think that would be something that you'd want to be up front about when seeking potential LTR, as many guys might assume that you'd be open to having more biological children!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 05:27 AM
no problemo- luckily on match there is a question that comes up about kids that is in the intro: Do you want kids? And you can answer "No, but it's ok if my partner has kids."

So hopefully that covers it!

hey- that's a word you can give your bf- "partner" As you have seen,it is used more commonly among heterosexual couples than it used to be smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 05:28 AM
oh and I meant that I updated my profile INFO as well as the photo.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 05:31 AM
Thanks for checking on me, CW smile
I am living in the semi-present (I think about the next month but that is as far as my brain will allow)
As for your sitch- You are operating in a calm, cool, manner and that is awesome.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/14/10 07:02 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
hey- that's a word you can give your bf- "partner" As you have seen,it is used more commonly among heterosexual couples than it used to be smile
That sounds so Serious though wink . I usually call him my "lover" or my "squeeze" when we are alone together.

Good option on how to deal with the kids thing on Match.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 07:47 AM
oooh,lover sounds perfect!

Just spent over an hour on okcupid trying to answer those questions. I am reminded of "plenty of fish" because it has a total hook up vibe. Lots of questions about wanting open or monogomous relationships, about being open to sex with an "unhappily" married person, and questions about sex...rather EXPLICIT questions about sex.

am worn out and going to bed but just heard a news blip about how night owls have a higher IQ than early to bed sleepers.I didn't get to hear the explanation though!
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/14/10 05:11 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama


am worn out and going to bed but just heard a news blip about how night owls have a higher IQ than early to bed sleepers.I didn't get to hear the explanation though!



I knew there was a reason why I stay up so late! smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/14/10 10:49 PM
I updated my match profile AGAIN so we will see. I would post what I wrote but I don't know if I feel like reading others' opinions laugh You know how that is sometimes, right?

Ok since S likes eggs I decided to make a crustless quiche for dinner. I threw in veggies as well as bacon so hopefully he will eat it!

My grandma went to the hospital for shortness of breath and turned out she was severely anemic. She had a blood transfusion and got some iron supplements through an IV (?). She has congestive heart failure but I guess it is something you live with and it doesn't mean you will necessarily have a heart attack. Anyway, she is doing well but I am preparing for her passing at some point in the near future so it won't be as much of as a shock. We are pretty close and I am lucky to have had her in my life!

So S and I will be visiting her after his nap. I haven't heard from exSIL yet but did confirm via text that we should talk in the next couple of days.

that's about it for now...still feel like I am in the process of being an official divorced parent in search of a new life.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 11/15/10 03:52 AM
Sorry to hear about your GMA NM! Congestive heart failure is not fun...
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/15/10 05:29 PM
newmama, I hope that your grandma is comfortable right now. Always a reminder to pick strawberries, right? (((hugs)))
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/16/10 02:43 AM
Quote:
The problem with these dating sites for me is, they have to be physically attractive, because their personality can't capture me first. Very shallow sounding, I know
.

NOT at all! I tried doing that in the past, thinking the attraction would grow but NO it didn't. I even tried that out since this round of dating but, nope, I am the same way!

Quote:
ANd something about me attracts the overweight not so healthy looking guys I am not attracted too....


Hey, many of the men that wink at me are overweight or slobby or not attractive. I am wondering if being a single mom is scaring others away?

Quote:
I am not that hot, so I guess i can't expect much better, but jesus, just look like you take care of yourself a little! I am by no means thin, but I take care of my self with exercise....


SHUT UP, GM! You ARE beautiful and sexy! Honestly! Remember what your guy friends have told you!

Yeah, the OK cupid seems like Plenty of Fish in the sense that it is about booty calls. Seriously- not too impressed so far.

BUt I am still going to keep "fishing" and just have a profile up on both Cupid and Match because if you don't "buy a ticket" then how can you win the lottery? You know?

I think my new profile might be too boring sounding. I am getting way less attention than when I changed it last.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/16/10 02:50 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
Hey, many of the men that wink at me are overweight or slobby or not attractive. I am wondering if being a single mom is scaring others away?
No, you and GM are looking at this the wrong way. Online dating sites are going to have a LOT of less desirable men who have been unsuccessful IRL. And they will approach desirable women because they want to win the lottery wink Don't take it personally.

Being a single mom...yes I think that is a turn-off to many men. Just a fact of life unfortunately.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/16/10 02:51 AM
So exH and I checked out the daycare close to my work. My first impression, walking in, was "scummy." Is that snobby or what?
Sure, there were plenty of rough looking parents walking their kids in and out. The place seemed drab, too!

The thing was it was a lot bigger than the current place, and S immediately dove into the toys and started playing. They had a "lesson plan" on the wall for the month. Each day had a theme. The paper was scraggly and the themes were written in. The toys were all old, too.

There were a mix of English speaking workers who looked very yound and some bi-lingual workers (again, I am not knocking English Language Learners, but I do want to be confident that the workers understand me and I can understand them).

It was 200 more per month, too! They had a daily report like the current place, and diaper changing procedures and meals were the same, too.

The frustrating thing was that both exH and I (as in the past) had the same impression. We walked out and 100% agreed on all of the same points- he brought his up and it was like he read my mind. Damn him! Stupid Idiot Asshat! (Asshat makes me think of Office Space, haha!)

Also, we operated the same. I do all of the talking and social connecting and then he pays very close attention to all of the details. A system that has worked well for us in the past.

At least it made both of us realize that the current place isn't horrific- I mean it is small, there are language barriers, and it did have an E.Coli outbreak(no matter how mild the strain and the health department didn't shut it down) But we will continue looking.
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 11/16/10 03:54 AM
NM, sorry haven't been keeping up with your thread but good to see you're in good company here. Sorry to hear about grandma.

It's SO important to feel comfortable with kids' daycare and school or you not only won't have the peace of mind when you're at work. You will question your decision over and over. It's worth it to pay extra or drive a few miles out of the way to get that peace of mind. Glad you guys can work together and co-parent. It's sort of the same with STBXW and I, when it comes to DD we eventually work things out in favor of DD.

Online dating stuff...sounds like I'll have to come to you for advice when I'm ready smile
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/16/10 04:14 AM
I agree that feeling comfortable with childcare is essential. Trust your gut! Like me, you're lucky to have a good coparenting relationship.
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/18/10 03:19 AM
Hey!

New daycare, hmm? I like reading your descriptions (so i can contrast it to mine!). Hope you guys find a good one.

okcupid is rather... hookup-ey... but i think there are a few gems there! i hope!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/18/10 08:33 AM
speaking of okcupid-I met a documentarist (just made that word up) a couple of days ago. He is working on a documentary about the homeless. He lives in AZ but is moving to my area in 2 weeks.

Had fun, witty, intelligent IM chats. I was intrigued. Tonight I feel like I was living in Pearl Harbor when the US attacked:
BOMB
BOMB
BOMB
BOMB
something like "I am in a bad mood tonight" (from him) to somehow ( I don't know how) I find out:

*he is a recovering addict for 4 years now but still smokes pot occasionally and drinks a beer every now and then

*he was homeless for awhile

*he was paralyzed in his hands and feet from a car accident 7 years ago but has regained most of his feeling/sensation

*he has two kids, 14 and 30 months that he is not allowed to see

*his ex filed a "bogus" restraining order but he left the state and never contested it so he lost access/rights to see his kids until they are 18 (I SMELL A PILE OF ROTTING FISH WITH THIS STORY!)

Oh, but "it is what it is" and he has dealt with it. (poor him- oh wait, his kids might be suffering too!)

Gee could I be leaving something out? His is 35 and his longest relationship has been 8-10 months (2 of them).

the sucky thing is that he is a "Taurus" and I have always wanted to go out with a Taurus! Damn....
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/18/10 11:59 AM
Yikes, I'd run fast NM. That guy sounds like trouble.
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/18/10 02:11 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama


the sucky thing is that he is a "Taurus" and I have always wanted to go out with a Taurus! Damn....





We Taurus are freaking cool! Well...maybe not this documentarist guy! lol smile
Posted By: sandycay Re: In the process - 11/18/10 03:39 PM
Whoa, he must have been high to share all that. Sounds like a winner! Not!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/18/10 04:34 PM
ick! ick! ick! BAD NEWS

Wow they make it so easy for us to screen them out!! Good for you for helping him to open up smile . NEXT!
Posted By: soleil Re: In the process - 11/18/10 04:38 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
*he has two kids, 14 and 30 months that he is not allowed to see

*his ex filed a "bogus" restraining order but he left the state and never contested it so he lost access/rights to see his kids until they are 18 (I SMELL A PILE OF ROTTING FISH WITH THIS STORY!)

Gee could I be leaving something out? His is 35 and his longest relationship has been 8-10 months (2 of them).


Red flags, red flags, red flags...
Posted By: Mrs. A Re: In the process - 11/19/10 02:19 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Great post, great post, great post. grin
Posted By: v1olin Re: In the process - 11/19/10 04:31 AM
I know it sounds bad but humor me... these are the kinds of guys I hope my XW finds online!!
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/20/10 03:57 AM
v1olin, that's hilarious.

great post, NM. smile
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/20/10 06:49 AM
hope you're too busy dating newmama smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/22/10 12:49 AM
Not dating! Chilling with friends smile

Well first, during the day on Saturday, S and I met up with the single moms group. Only the leader showed, but she wasn't as chilly as the last time I met her! Her son is 6 weeks younger than S so we might be able to establish a friendship between them smile

We had a good time at the museum and the boys didn't play together much (except in the water table) but they each had a great time. S got knocked down by a 6 year old and the big kid didn't even stop to say "sorry! are you ok?" His mom was right there, too! SOOOO RUDE! I get it was an accident- I was more upset with the inconsiderate parent!

Then I went down to hang with my good friend and we watched this romantic comedy called "Timer." It was about a technological advancement that is a digital countdown to the day and hour that you will meet your ONE "soulmate." You could get one for 79.99 and they snapped it into the inside of your wrist. When you see your soulmate, your oxytocin levels soar and when they see you, the same thing. Your timer will beep in a synchronized way with theirs. Not everyone chose to get one. The main character's timer was just "dashes" because her soulmate didn't have one. One day, (close to the end of the movie after a bunch of stuff), her timer started counting down. Sure enough, her "one" got his timer the day before. But he was dating her sister!

Ok sorry to recap. It was interesting and original, I thought, and the movie showed downsides to getting one. The youngest age to get one was 14! So that was explored as well.


Anyway, then today, exH dropped off S and stayed for awhile to chat. About S, about the yardwork, about the sickness going around at work. I went with the flow because I am working on mentally preparing myself for if he tells me that he is getting engaged or something. I think if I can hear that, handle it and not react then it means I am truly detached.

Also got some Christmas presents for S...better stop buying now!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/22/10 12:49 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
I went with the flow because I am working on mentally preparing myself for if he tells me that he is getting engaged or something. I think if I can hear that, handle it and not react then it means I am truly detached.


I would say really good if you don't react at all to that news. I know I would react no matter what. Right now I am having a hard time thinking about how OW will probably already take my spot at Thanksgiving with H's extended family and we are not divorced yet and neither is she. Anyway I would probably keep it together with H, but not alone. Also I don't think H would ever tell me.

With presents, I have three more things to get S, but definitely need to stop too. smile Have a great holiday!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/22/10 05:42 PM
Newmama, I think that reacting to news like that would be normal. But good for you for mentally preparing yourself.

Glad to read that GAL is going well smile
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 11/22/10 07:31 PM
Nm!

I sure hope you dn't have to hear that particular convo from your H anytime soon! But, if you do...I know you will handle it as you have handled your life this past year...the NM way! smile

Anyone heard from Mystik lately? I see her thread is locked.
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/23/10 12:02 AM
I'm around, CW. Started a new thread, going to be posting there in a few.
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/23/10 12:05 AM
After that journal hijack I should post something to NM, shouldn't I?

I am dreading the day H tells me he and Whore are engaged. Good for you for mentally preparing yourself and being far enough detached that you aren't anticipating a horrible reaction to it. I also hope that it's a long long long time from now that you hear that news.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/23/10 04:15 AM
Hi Mystik! BTW don't feel obligated to post if you are just reading along smile Many times I don't post on others' because someone else already said what I was thinking or I just plain don't have anything positive to share. Like "yeah, that is terrible and your life is really hard right now. I can't think of anything to help you feel better." How dismal is that, lol?

Awest- I know they say the WAS family usually cracks and ends up accepting the WAS and their OP. It is just a slap in the face for them to do it before the divorce is final!!!But OW will never be able to truly "take your spot." If the extended family knows the truth, hopefully she will feel ashamed and uncomfortable.

I admit that I still care if he takes OW to my SIL's place but I don't care so much if it is his dad's or mom's. The reason is that my exSIL has been so adamant about not having OW in her house or seeing OW or condoning that relationship that it would really hurt to see her "back pedal."

FM, CW and Mystik- I hope I never hear that news obviously! BUt I am realistic to know it will affect me. I just want to be able to be in a point where I can think of this without thinking of the affair/betrayal. You know, like how my parents divorced without an affair. If exH and I parted on different terms, then it would hurt that he remarried but it would also most likely feel different. In this case, I was so positive for so long that they wouldn't last and now it has been 20 months. But who's counting? lol If you notice, I don't talk about him and her and "the affair" as much as I used to so I hope that is progress.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/23/10 06:11 AM
Yes, that is progress. The more we accept, the less mental real estate they take up, and the more energy we have for OURSELVES. Yay smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/23/10 07:37 PM
It is a snowday today! My school district took forever to announce the closure (they have been known to stay open or have a 2 hour late start when others close). So I woke up thinking we had school and got ready, but at least I showered and got dressed for the day before S woke up.

The downside to the snowday is that it's sooo cold and icy that S and I can't really go anywhere. I tried to "mix it up" in the house the best I could. Set up a train set from last year's Christmas and he kind of gets it now...of course he still doesn't have the motor skill necessary for positioning the magnetic mini train cars on the grooves of the track but he does push them down the sloped bridge and laughs when they crash! He is also playing with little people and it's adorable...puts them in his toy house and in cars... I got those from a friend and have lots of hand me down toys that he can now play with. He likes to play in the pantry and take all of the cans and put them together, or the boxers of crackers. I had some leftover Nutrisystem wrapped bars in a container and he took his cereal bars and put them in there! Guess that means he is into sorting,eh?

Finally, I was able to complete his photobook. I got a groupon this summer that lasted a year, but the photobook was for his "first year" and I wanted to get it completed before too much longer. I wrote captions from the perspective of talking to him. Maybe next year he will like it- but it is a soft book so I think I won't be putting it in his library of books...he totally ripped off many of the paper hands in the one paper book "Anno's Peekaboo" that I let him read -- it was funny though because he took one of the ripped off paper hands and put it on top of a picture in the book to play peekaboo!

Oh and last night I got a message from the documentary guy but deleted it without opening. The subject was "coming to (my area) next week!" phew- got out of that in time smile
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 11/23/10 07:51 PM
Sometimes people stay together for 10+years even when it was the worst relationship they've ever been in...just ask my W grin

But seriously, when the WASs walk away from so much for someone else (lust usually) they do feel they're stuck. What are they going to say 'oh, I made the biggest mistake of my life, this is horrible I'm done here...' while that would be the right think to do but they keep trying to sell to themselves that this was a good idea and it'll work, maybe things will get better with time, maybe things will be better if I marry her etc. But it's like quick sand and ultimately one or the other will do this because they're who they are. If they can walk away from their wives and families so easily what's stopping them from doing it again.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/24/10 01:21 AM
Good point, IR...if they can survive a divorce then they know they can do it again (this was my exH's second marriage- his first wife left him for another man. Go figure!)

Well I finally talked to my exSIL. At first we made small talk; at the very end of the conversation I found out that she didn't know that our divorce was final. I thought I sent her a text but maybe not. But I asked her how she and her H (whom she remarried after he cheated on her and left her for OW but divorced her[exSIL] promptly) were doing.

My exSIL is religious. SHe said basically, there is not a biblical reason for her to divorce right now but she would if she could. She is exhausted and done with his lack of understanding and actions (it's called REMORSE.The man is NOT remorseful).

He sees her requests to temporarily avoid doing things like avoid going to meat market night clubs (to watch his friend play in a band) as controlling. The went together and she saw several women hitting on him and one pushed her boobs up against him and strutted by, shaking her hips and standing right in front of him. (That would be obnoxious even if your spouse didn't cheat but considering that he did, wow. Very tough to deal with)After that visit, she asked if they could take a break from places like that until they are in a better place in their recovery.

She wants to be able to see his activity on his phone (transparency) and he finds it controlling.

She politely requested that he not go to the wedding of one of his buddies because he dated several of the females attending. He told her she needs to "trust him." But he didn't go.



They haven't had sex in 4 months because he says he had sex with women he didn't love and now he is so ashamed that he did what he did that he can't make love to her. Nope, he is waiting for the feeling of love and intimacy to return before he can have sex with her again. Isn't that also a bit backward?

Ok but this is the worst part. She said when she checked his phone, she saw that all of his sent messages were deleted. She thinks that it's odd and he was, of course, offended that she was "spying" on him.

He says that she needs to stop bringing this up. Now I can't remember when they remarried--was it last year? I need to look through my own posts. But it was before he did any work. I thought he was a grade A jerk before he divorced her due to his very selfish, very narcissistic tendencies and he is now a AAA grade jerk (or whichever is higher than grade A).

He is still seeing a therapist but she has stopped for awhile. His therapist is male chauvanistic so maybe that is why he continues to see him.

SO if my religious exSIL is seriously feeling done with her marriage and seeking divorce [I don't blame her--what a @$$h0le!!!!], I see how getting divorced makes it easier to do it again. Like you see that you can survive, you have lived without the bad stuff that the ex brought along and you liked it, and you might have even met another person. All of that is proof that life after divorce exists so then it makes it less sad and scary and a viable "option"? (for those of you who have been divorced twice or more, let me know if my theory is right)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/24/10 01:29 AM
ok now I had a chance to read what I posted and I want you to trust that I left out plenty of details about her H being insensitive to her pain and vulnerability. He doesn't even say "I love you" to her. She said she is living with a roommate.
If the situation was different, I wouldn't be supporting her decision to divorce ( AND I DID NOT VOICE MY OPINION) and I did say things like "it can only get better. They say that reconciling is extremely difficult, right? What are the small things that he is doing to show he cares? Good for you for staying strong. I guess when you thought marriage was hard before, it wasn't like this. BUt you can get through it."

I did also tell her that I could see why she would want to divorce him, because if he doesn't ever "get it" then how can she live a life of misery? I also asked her if she goes around bringing it up a lot and she says no, but there are these triggers. So after the triggers take place, she suppresses it and then she blows up at him eventually. After she blows up, he is nicer to her for awhile.

Anyway I told her to hang in there and she is a very strong woman and I admire her. We'll be visiting her next week!

Oh and she doesn't like talking to my exH (her brother) and no, she isn't seeing him for the holidays. I didn't ask much more than that but I admit I was curious!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/24/10 01:35 AM
Sounds like SIL has a lot to deal with and her H's attitude is making it so much harder than it should be. Reconciling is hard work, I know that even if I haven't ever done it, and after an affair it is even more so because that's one huge betrayal to forgive. Why did he bother coming back around and proposing a second chance if he wasn't truly invested?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/24/10 04:15 AM
ok so I am watching Millionaire Matchmaker and window shopping online. (Wow, that sounds so shallow! But I am Christmas shopping!)

It's fun to watch this show- the variety of personalities and looks, and analyzing who they choose for their master dates and watching how the dates turn out.

Time and again, the clients don't listen to Patti and they end up either not liking their date or they offend their date by doing the wrong thing!!! Hey, I actually think about some of Patti's advice when I am in the mood to date (lol- yeah, like the 3 dates I have been on so far since exH...what am I talking about?)

her advice: when meeting someone, keep it positive (no foul language or harsh/ negative opinions or complaining for example), look your best (duh), 2 drink maximum, no kiss with tongue, and no sex. Do open up a little by sharing something personal but not yet "my mother is an alcoholic and abandoned us" personal. More like "I wish I had a better relationship with my mom but luckily I am close to my grandma so she is my second mom. What about you? Are you close to your mom?" (disclaimer- that isn't true- I just chose an example)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/24/10 04:19 AM
whoa-- another thing-- many of these people are in their late 30s, 40s, and haven't been married or have only had short term relationships. Guess they were working their tails off to make their money instead of pursuing love? or escaping through work?

ok am not going to post anymore. guess I'm just bored, lol!!!
Posted By: kml Re: In the process - 11/24/10 07:50 AM
I'm in my fifties and I always wonder about those never-married guys at my age. One of whom is my most ardent suitor at the moment.

It's definitely a red flag for me so far as dating goes. Are they so socially inept that no one would marry them? Were they a commitment-phobic player - and still are? Low testosterone???

As for my current never-married suitor - his story seems to be as follows:
Traumatic breakup at thirty after a five year serious relationship - he had his reservations about the relationship, but when she left he went kinda crazy. Then I think he spent most of his thirties dating around and drinking too much and trying to get somewhere in his career. Then in his forties his family's health fell apart and he returned home to help - father died of a prolonged ugly illness, then mom got sick and sister had a bad stroke.

Some bad breaks, but obviously, someone who was more motivated to be coupled up and a little stronger emotionally would probably not have made the same choices.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/24/10 12:41 PM
About exSIL, being very religious myself, I understand not wanting to D, but in my experience, her H is still cheating. If he erases texts, says she us controlling when asking (not demanding) certain things to help her trust, and no sex at all in 4 months; he is cheating. This was my exact sitch for years and I have read article after article using these exact clues.

It is hard to have a snow day. I hate when I get S ready then I hear it is called off, not that we get many.

Have a great Thanksgiving! Thanks for the dating tips too. I hope to use them soon. Fingers crossed.
Posted By: soleil Re: In the process - 11/24/10 01:54 PM
Originally Posted By: ImprovedRomeo
But seriously, when the WASs walk away from so much for someone else (lust usually) they do feel they're stuck.
they keep trying to sell to themselves that this was a good idea and it'll work, maybe things will get better with time, maybe things will be better if I marry her etc. But it's like quick sand


I think leaving your partner for someone else is possible one of the stupidest things anyone could ever do. If you are going to leave, fine, but don't let it because of someone else. It's 9 out of 10 times, the dumbest idea ever.

Originally Posted By: newmama
She wants to be able to see his activity on his phone (transparency) and he finds it controlling.

They haven't had sex in 4 months because

he is waiting for the feeling of love and intimacy to return before he can have sex with her again. Isn't that also a bit backward?


He is totally cheating. Sounds like the H is involved not in only in a PA but a strong EA as well.
Posted By: soleil Re: In the process - 11/24/10 01:55 PM
Originally Posted By: kml
It's definitely a red flag for me so far as dating goes. Are they so socially inept that no one would marry them? Were they a commitment-phobic player - and still are? Low testosterone???


I can see how you could think this. I'm a little younger than you but I find at my page, anyone who hasn't had a relationship of any kind tips me off for sure. Red flag indeed.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/25/10 04:14 AM
Yes, when I see a guy my age whose longest relationship has been 2 years I immediately think "what is wrong with you???". To clarify, there's nothing wrong with relationships not being a priority to you, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone for whom relationships aren't a priority! I'm sorry, it's not "bad luck". Even the guy who I dated who had been with zillions of women managed to stay married for several years.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/26/10 04:51 AM
Thanksgiving went fine! I made candied sweet potatoes,a S'mores chocolate pie and a layered bean dip. Once again, stuff I had around the house. The Smores pie ended up reminding me of hot chocolate with marshmallows (because I used cocoa powder instead of chocolate bar)

S freaked out at first when we arrived at my dad's but then he relaxed and settled in. I packed a bunch of toys so he had fun playing with the toys and my step sister. Of course just as he was really settling in with all of the people, we had to leave to go to my mom's. Once we arrived, he did the same thing and then settled in. I packed his toys over there as well.

I did cry on the way home--S was asleep so he didn't know and I am a silent crier any way. I was crying about remembering the pain of those months when I wasn't aware of the affair but just was being rejected by exH and was in so much pain. No "I love you," no affection, no sex, the distance in his interactions with me, and I was pregnant on top of it all.

But the absence of rejection was a relief. WHen I went NC with him after kicking him out, it was hard for 3 days and then I felt relief. No chronic reminder that I was being rejected by the man I deeply loved and trusted and was grateful to have in my life because he was the one person I could rely on (since my family is made of bonafide flakes...I am constantly let down by their lack of follow through so I don't even bother asking them for help for anything whatsoever. I am not exaggerating ).

So I was crying because I think subconsciously I remembered the drive back from my mom's house when I was pregnant and how much pain I was in by the way exH was treating me and how deeply hurt and scared and HELPLESS I felt and had no idea how to get him to snap out of it and had no idea why he was acting the way he was.

I am thankful that I don't have that pain to deal with today. I'll take loneliness over rejection.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 11/26/10 03:42 PM
I understand the tears, and I hear you.

I am glad you had a good thanksgiving!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/26/10 04:13 PM
thanks awest! Are you over in the new neighborhood yet? (the other place many of the DBers have started to post)
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/27/10 03:26 AM
triggers. (((hugs))) newmama.

Yes, I pick loneliness over rejection too. It really takes its toll. I also feel very sad thinking the hurt in the M.

Sorry that your family can't be there for you. ugh.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/27/10 03:34 AM
Thanks FM, but I didn't see where I mentioned my family can't be there for me...? what did you mean?
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/27/10 05:43 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama
my family is made of bonafide flakes...I am constantly let down by their lack of follow through so I don't even bother asking them for help for anything whatsoever.
sorry if I misunderstood newmama...it was based on the above.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/27/10 05:54 AM
Oh! I am such a dork--I was thinking that you were referring to the trigger moment, but yes, yes you are correct,unfortunately.

Thank you for clarifying smile

I am spending a lot of time thinking of how the present will shape S' future relationships. Since I can't undo the past I can only give him a loving mother and the best opportunity to connect with his dad. Something in me is thinking that when people have a good relationship with each of their parents, divorced or not, they will have more potential for happiness in life.
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: In the process - 11/27/10 06:54 AM
I agree, NM. I made a decision that I can be sad about our kids 'losing' their family unit (and I still am sad, from time to time), but it is more productive to put my energy into making sure my kids have the best time growing up they can given the life they have now.

And that also means keeping the best relationship I can manage to keep with their dad so we can do the coparenting thing and give them some 'family' experiences from time to time.
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/28/10 03:19 AM
Originally Posted By: newmama

I am spending a lot of time thinking of how the present will shape S' future relationships. Since I can't undo the past I can only give him a loving mother and the best opportunity to connect with his dad. Something in me is thinking that when people have a good relationship with each of their parents, divorced or not, they will have more potential for happiness in life.


Totally agree. Trying to do the same.

Missed your account of Thanksgiving, but will go read it in a sec!
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 11/28/10 03:29 AM
Your thksgvg story-- sounds like you cried because you were sorry/grieving for your pained former self! I look back to February and feel bad for myself, too. I went through hell, as we all did. So THANKFUL that's over, too!

Millionaire Matchmaker-- gotta love it! I missed this week, but thought last week was hilarious with those two millionairesses... oh, I've got TimeWarner On Demand, so I'm watching the new MM now. Ha!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 11/28/10 06:39 AM
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
And that also means keeping the best relationship I can manage to keep with their dad so we can do the coparenting thing and give them some 'family' experiences from time to time.
The research seems to show that most of the documented impacts of divorce on children can be prevented by harmonious coparenting Rs. It seems that it's the conflict between the parents that ends up causing most of the damage in the long run. So that is good news for us...there IS hope for minimizing the impact of divorce on our children and the past research isn't necessarily that relevant for those of us whose children have involved fathers with whom we can collaborate with smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 11/29/10 04:01 AM
Gatsby, hi! I think now I was crying due to a trigger to something in my subconscious that caused me to remember the pain of being rejected and scared and alone. (the pain that exH was inflicting)

Glad to hear you watch MM too! Yeah, I watched the show with the 2 millionairesses. I could not BELIEVE that one brought her best friend-gay make up artist ON THE DATE!


FM and BJ- Yep, we will be good moms for not bashing exH in front of our kids and being polite to him when we exchange the kids. But do not ever think for a second that our kids will be unscathed because that is just not a reality. However, as long as we can do our part to be really good, stable moms who don't introduce them to all of our dates and boyfriends, we can give them the same mom they would get even if we were still married....right?


Well last night I had a fun time and sang Love Shack with another single mama from the group. I had some prospets but no one major...I blame my outfit! Just kidding. It wasn't the best but the new clothes I got look too "business" like for going out. We did go to a dance club to dance afterward. One of the men came along but he was the one who looked like my music teacher so I couldn't be attracted to him--but he was a good dancer!

I think I have gained some weight as well but am avoiding the scale until next week. It could be 5-7 pounds but I will just say to myself "I will continue to lose weight" (that is what I have been doing this whole time--saying that and it works!) and do my modified eating thing I do.

Of course, working out makes it even easier to lose weight. What is my procrastination problem? My gut (har har) tells me it has something to do with the time. "I will find the time to work out" "I will continue to lose weight"


oK I am nodding off but had more stuff to share. It is 8--even though I got6 hours of sleep last night, guess it wasn't enough!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 11/29/10 11:52 AM
Yay for having fun! Sounds like a great night out for you.

I have the procrastination problem with exercise, too. Just not enough hours in the day to work full time, be a full time mom and get enough sleep.
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 12/01/10 03:00 AM
omg, Will on MM this week ? Sooooo hot!
Posted By: Babydoll Re: In the process - 12/01/10 03:08 AM
Hey Newmama... just visiting your new digs...

Trying to catch up and I just want to send you a huge hug!!! Remember you are strong, and beautiful, and so smart, and deserves someone who loves you and never loses sight of how great yu are!!!


Originally Posted By: newmama

I was crying about remembering the pain of those months when I wasn't aware of the affair but just was being rejected by exH and was in so much pain. No "I love you," no affection, no sex, the distance in his interactions with me, and I was pregnant on top of it all.

But the absence of rejection was a relief. WHen I went NC with him after kicking him out, it was hard for 3 days and then I felt relief. So I was crying because I think subconsciously I remembered the drive back from my mom's house when I was pregnant and how much pain I was in by the way exH was treating me and how deeply hurt and scared and HELPLESS I felt and had no idea how to get him to snap out of it and had no idea why he was acting the way he was.

I Read this and choked up... I know the feeling... and remembering the pain is so hard...

keep your chin up!
xoxo
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 12/01/10 03:39 AM
Hi NM

Just checking in and wanting to send (((hugs)))!!!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/01/10 06:55 AM
Don't have much to report...checked out another daycare with exH on Monday and it seems really good! I did say "when S is with his dad, he will come earlier in the day..." letting the director know we are divorced. This was relevant to the conversation. I said it in front of exH when we were talking about when breakfast was served and hours of operation.

At one point, exH was letting S walk around and just asking him to come here, etc. and I am thinking "duh- he won't listen to you! He's 16 months old!" but I was polite and let him do his thing. S wasn't in harm, it was just annoying to waste the director's time waiting for S to listen while she is showing us around. I did say to the director at one point 'his dad let's him walk around a lot more than I do so I am not used to it!'
OOPS! It slipped out and I realized that is a way of dissing exH so honestly, I shouldn't say that stuff. Seriously, no kidding around.

Still, there were weird times where we had to be united as parents and it felt like being a couple but yet we are divorced. I know this is the reality but the overlap was odd. I didn't feel sad, just observed it.ExH had to get my attention to tell me something and just grabbed my arm instead of using my name... in fact, even now, ExH and I don't call each other by our names. We just talk without saying a name first. I think it's because we always called each other Honey or Sweetie instead of our names.

Afterward, we both said that we liked the place and were impressed. ExH said we should look at the other place soon and he would let me know when he could do it (he picks up S and meets me at these places).

Then, he buckled S into his carseat in my car and said "oh,you got a mess back here, S" (yeah, that would be MY mess...) but I just ignored it because I AM FREE TO HAVE A MESSY CAR IF I WANT! He divorced me! (mess= toys on the floor, some wrappers from cereal bars, some cheerios, an extra jacket, a few baby wipes from cleaning his face...oops!! I clean it up on the weekends...most of the time)

On a different subject, I got a tip from a colleague about getting these mini hooks that I can put on the gutter to hang the Christmas lights! I really feel motivated to look at one store to see if they have them, then try to move the ladder in the garage to the upper shelf to get the lights...but I am nervous about lifting the heavy box on the ladder--I am not trying to sound helpless, just being honest!

Somehow, I need to get a picture of S for our Christmas announcements, I think, and send them out within the next week. If I decorate the house next weekend while he is with exH, I might be able to do it. Last year, exH took the photos while I propped S up on the sly. But you know what? If I can't do it, then I won't worry about! It sounds like exH will be doing one and he can send it to his family. Mine will see S on Christmas, so who cares about a Season's Greeting pic, right? I will try but am not going to beat myself up if I can't get the right opportunity.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/01/10 12:49 PM
My plan for Christmas cards is to have S and I in front of the tree or fire place with our matching PJs, but I don't know if that will happen, but I am with you, if they don't get done then it isn't a problem.

I am with you about working with H and feeling strange, and the same with the names. I will sometimes slip and call him honey, but I will usually call him by his name, which is weird every time I do it. I don't think he has done the same with me. He still just doesn't use any name at all.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 12/01/10 09:51 PM
I called stbxh sweetie once recently. oops! I don't know if he caught it. yes a lot of weirdness while creating a new status quo. It will feel normal one day I guess.

What I've done about xmas is really let go of all the duty stuff. It's a busy time for work and social stuff and I have decided that I don't need to sent out cards or presents that people don't expect. I stick to the fun stuff and creating memories for my kids.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/04/10 01:20 AM
FM, in cases of infidelity, I don't know if it ever will feel normal to interact with your exH! Even a good friend of mine, who is happy with her boyfriend, still admits she loves her exH, He is with OW. It is weird for her to see them together. She is able to be "friends" with him and has forgiven him, though. Of course she wasn't able to forgive him until she found a new love interest.

She has been with her current boyfriend for the last 5 years.

On a different note, I have strep throat! I am so bummed that I might have passed it on to S-- I totally just thought I had a sore throat at first, but by the time I went to bed on Wed night, I knew it had to be strep--due to the fever! Thank God for ibuprofen to keep the fever at bay....

So I took S into daycare, wearing my PJ's and then asked exH if he could take him overnight. I was hoping to pick him up today, but I went in and got tested for strep. They say you are contagious for the first 24-48 hours after starting antibiotics. ExH said he would take him overnight again and I just miss S sooo much!! But I will take him Saturday overnight. ExH is going to bring him by right after dinner (I offered earlier but he suggested bed time in order to give me more time to rest) I settled for after dinner so I can play with him for a little bit before we get ready for bed. It will be almost 3 days since I saw him last (if you count 20 minutes in the morning before I took him to daycare).

Hopefully the penicillin will start to do its magic so I can get some decorating done tomorrow.
Seriously, I don't think I will be motivated next Tues p.m. when S is with exH next, so I better do something soon! Of course if I feel like total [censored] I will just put my wreath on the door and call it good smile I did buy those hooks for my gutters, though....I admit that I want to shock exH by putting up the lights myself!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/04/10 01:22 AM
oh yeah and I got the utility bills all switched over to my name finally. I swear the male callers were flirting with me after I told them the reason for the switch was divorce! Could be an "I wish" moment but they talk to people all day so I think they just get really comfortable on the phone!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/04/10 02:10 AM
wow, I had another epiphany! Maybe this penicillin is good stuff, lol!

So I started to think about joining a gym again and how I wouldn't want a long term 2 year commitment, but maybe just get in there with a personal trainer. So I googled and found an LA Fitness club that doesn't have long term commitment...$0 to join and 19.95 per month! but it also has BABYSITTING! I totally forgot that option exists! That is the solution to my problem of time....

Where there is a will, there is a way....If I want to be with someone who takes pretty good care of themselves, then I should do the same for myself. Besides THEM, my confidence will improve and it is a hobby. And there are people there.... so if I can figure out a schedule to go, I can make it happen! woo hoo!
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/04/10 03:30 AM
New Mama-
I think I picked up earlier in your posts that you are a teacher. How did you share or not share your divorce with people at school? I am a teacher also, my husband had an affair at the end of last year. He has since moved out 3 weeks ago. I carry a lot of shame over the idea of being divorced. I know we are headed that direction, but I am so worried about people at school, other than my closest friends, finding out. Did anyone at your school treat you differently? I hope you don't mind me asking. I have read much of your thread and am so inspired by you. At the moment I am really struggling with the separation. My stbx is also still with ow. At the moment it is hard to imagine the pain ever dimishing.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/04/10 03:38 AM
Sorry you are sick. I can't imagine going 3 days not seeing S. Feel better soon!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 12/04/10 04:15 AM
That stinks not seeing DS for 3 days. I know after two days I'm desperately missing my DS. Hope the penicillin works wonders for you and you are able to get some decorating done tomorrow. It's our decorating day, too.
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 12/04/10 07:41 PM
Get well soon newmama!

Babysitting while at the gym is a great idea! Never worked for my with my "high needs" baby but lots of mamas keep in great shape that way.

Have fun decorating. We're cutting down a tree this afternoon smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/05/10 04:16 AM
Hi lostandconfused6,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible!!!
The pain takes a long time to go away. 3 weeks out...do not expect to feel better any time soon. I am just being honest. Sure, I am doing much better (it has been 19 months now)but it really takes no contact to help. For me, it actually had to take him filing for D I think...I am not "over" him yet but have come a long way.

When my husband left for OW in 2009, I did not tell anyone except my family and close friends. I told 2 teacher friends that I trust but that was it. They didn't tell anyone.

Then, I stayed home for a year to be with my son (he was born 3 months after exH moved out). I still didn't tell anyone new.

Finally, when he filed in June 2010, I realized that I would have to let people know. I agonized about it here on the DB forum, and people kept telling me that it won't be that bad...that I should just get it over with. Well, they were right.

I emailed a group of teachers that I played Bunco with and just told them "unfortunately, I am getting a divorce. It was not my choice but we will have shared custody. I am not ready to talk about it at this time but wanted to let you know."

I wanted them to know it wasn't my choice because I just had a baby!!! I am responsible and dedicated and committed to marriage and keeping 2 parents for my son. THAT was one of my major worries- they would think I left him and judge me. Of course no one would judge someone for divorcing a cheating spouse. But at the time, that was my worry.


Yes, I had several people want to know what happened, but I was more ashamed (and still am for some reason) that he had an affair than being left. I didn't tell them because it is VERY embarrassing to be left for another woman and they don't need to know! I just said "thanks for your concern, but I am not ready to talk about it. I am adjusting and it's hard right now." They asked for the first couple of weeks (not every day) and most just minded their own business....now no one asks about it! Phew!

Also, I kept my married last name since it is the same as my son's and it has made that part of the divorce (all the name changing part) SO MUCH EASIER! I am simply "Ms." Mama instead of "Mrs." Mama.

The teachers are mostly curious about custody arrangements and ask about my son and they look to see if I am happy or doing ok. I look my best most days, smile and ask them about THEM.

Sure, I still get people saying "Mrs. Mama" every single day and my Mrs name is on all kinds of stuff that I own. But it is only fair since I didn't change my last name--of course I expect them to slip up smile

IN SUMMARY- You don't have to let the teachers know anything until you have to change your name...even then, you say you are getting divorced and that is all they need to know!

Let me know where your thread is (what forum?) and I will follow it!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/05/10 04:27 AM
Thanks for the well wishes, Awest, Mystik and FM! It worked!
By 9 a.m. this morning I was ready to roll up my sleeves and get busy.

I took the Christmas stuff out of the storage space (behind the Halloween stuff) and exH had them so neatly organized in plastic tubs that it was easy. Thanks, exH!

Then I located a staple gun and rifled through tons of staples until I found some the right size. I used these to put up one of my shags (or garlands, whatever) in the kitchen area. I decorated the mantle and then put Christmas lights up in the front windows...I just needed a stepladder in the garage and some scotch tape, lol! Thanks to exH's organization, there were some extension cords already in the tubs so I had everything. I even put the tubs back in the storage (which required moving all of that other stuff out of the way AGAIN).

Of course I also rearranged furniture, purged a bunch of junk mail and catalogues, cleaned the kitchen, dining area and bathroom, S' toys, vacuumed, and all of that took a lot longer than it did to type! (7 hours non stop moving, I swear...) I didn't get the laundry done, damn it!

So when exH came to drop off S, he had him already in his pj's and S was so happy to see me and more happy to see his toys (lol!) ExH looked surprised that I got the stuff out of storage and put up the garland thingy by myself. He even helped me last year. He was surprised I put the lights up, too. HAHAHAHA! It felt good.

ExH asked if my family was still coming over for Christmas and I said "yep...since Ihave the house still. Of course even when I move to an apartment they will still probably come over...we'll have to rent the clubhouse or something."

AGAIN HE SEEMED CAUGHT OFF GUARD!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/05/10 04:32 AM
just wanted to clarify-- I put the stuff in the tubs, he was the one who stacked them and was in charge of Christmas lights. I didn't want to sound like he did all the work smile
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/05/10 05:08 AM
Thanks for the advice NM! I haven't decided whether or not I will talk about the affair or not. I have 3 teacher friends who know, but have never said anything. My h is also a teacher and I feel a need to keep quiet for the sake of his job, but ow teaches at his school so this is very hard for me. It just seems so unfair that they continue to teach together when they have this hidden relationship going on. I think I am the opposite of you, I am more embarrassed about getting a divorce than that he had an affair. I think that if people knew about the affair they would be less judgemental of the divorce. On the otherhand I know how the reputation of an affair can stick around in a school corporation. There are a couple of teachers/administrators in our school corp that have had affairs 10-15 years ago and people still point the fact out. I think about my son and the fact that this is his father, and I don't know if I want him to have to deal with that.
My thread is - "It ain't over til it's over, right?". I have read a lot of your thread b/c I saw a lot of similarities between my h and yours in the sense that like your exh, my husband would still do anything for me, and seems to want to be "friends". He just doesn't want to stop being with the ow. It is really hard to understand the fact that they seem to want to talk to you, hang out with you, and tell you that they care about you, but don't want to be married to you.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/05/10 08:35 AM
Thanks lost, I will check out your thread!

OK well in the case that you are worried about the stigma of divorce, but NOT about the affair, why not let people know (when you have to) that you are getting a divorce. If they ask, you can say your H met someone else. People will get it from there!

OR you say you are getting a divorce, but it isn't your choice.

I will need to find out some more background to see what has happened regarding the D in your sitch.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/05/10 08:54 AM
Well I got a text from zoobrew tonight, celebrating "our Ducks" (his words). I was talking on the phone to a friend at the time but was texting back and forth. All innocent with some clever joking (yeah- we have that)

So then he asks me how I am doing and all so I let him know keeping busy with a full schedule of activities.

Then he asks if my divorce was done yet. I told him yep, moving on. He said I sound positive.

I asked him about his (ex) girlfriend. He said he had some business to work out but in the end, his kids were most important so he ended it.

He said he wasn't into guilt and the games because he wanted to spend quality time with his kids ...

Apparently, she wasn't satisfied because he has week on/week off with the kids and then he has 2 jobs. So even on his week off (and I think she spent time with the kids and him on his week on) she wasn't satisfied with they way he was treating her.

Now, I say this--how is one supposed to have a relationship when they have NO TIME TO INVEST?! Seriously--is his life really open for one right now? I am not looking for a relationship with him- just was catching up. But if he asks my opinion I will tell him straight out.

We are still texting-- am waiting for my sheets to dry so I can go to bed! The mattress cover has so much fabric that it's like a blanket almost so it takes forever to dry.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/05/10 09:37 AM
ok...so the next text was to say he is focusing on his kids right now and is happy with that...no dating. (good job,zoobrew!)

I say that he may find a silver lining is being able to not date when work is so demanding.

Well a couple back and forth's later and I said something like
"I like the meetups as long as they don't take pictures"
and, being a man, he said "WHY? Were you doing something naughty?"

(Men why are you THIS EASY to LURE? KEEPING YOU is a different story...)

I said NO and explained one pic but kept mystery going still. The next thing I knew he said he had to go but it was fun texting me and wanted to know if we could grab a brew sometime.

I say "sure, we could grab a brew some month" (because it took him a month to get back to me when I asked him out in June)

So then he says "that would be great ___(calls me by an old nick name from the summer);)"

who knows if we will actually go out or not. But I am not as giddy and head over heels as I was in the summer! The hormones have calmed and I am a MUCH wiser woman...back in total control of herself!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/06/10 07:28 AM
Had a great day! A fun playdate this morning with the School Psych and her son, and she revealed her "story of betrayal" to me. She is having the hardest time (understandably) accepting that OW has been holding her son and playing with her son. She can't believe I am accepting of it. WHen pressed as to why I am not more outraged, I found myself saying "because I trust exH is being a very good dad to S when he is with him." Well, her H was not very hands on with S when he was born and she still is a more responsible/skilled parent than he is.

We will be getting together with the toddlers in a week for dinner at her place!

Then I saw exSIL and bought an apron and mitt, 2 purses, and 2 pencil pouches. She refused to let me pay her asking price, but I insisted--told her she needs to be paid what she is worth! Family or not! I wouldn't feel right paying her less! (it's a small business with one employee!)

I think that's it-- S was adorable petting/playing with her cats. He was trying to play peekaboo with them and we kept reminding him also how to pet "gentle!"
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/06/10 12:45 PM
Glad you had fun. It is always nice to have those days where everything is just fun.
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/08/10 02:49 AM
NM-
Your son sounds adorable! Aren't they wonderful for lifting spirits?? I don't know where I would be without my son right now. Nothing else can put a smile on my face the way that he can!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/09/10 04:01 AM
Darn- I reflected about the gym but realized that it isn't good for S. Realistically, I need one of the nights that exH has S to catch up on work stuff or errands. So if I were to use the daycare for S, it would mean I picked him up from daycare and took him to daycare AGAIN (at the gym) for another hour? Nope.
Argh. Not the right time to take this on.

Finished up with report cards and that was rather time consuming but had a pretty good day at school. I really notice that when we take TIME and do less activities, it goes better for my students. There is so much pressure to teach a ton of different skills and push push push the kids to work quickly, LEARN IT! NOW! And stop playing around! YOU ARE FIRST GRADERS AND YOU WILL HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A THIRD GRADER!!! Sometimes I just need to remember the major goal-- teach them to read, write, learn to add and subtract, and be independent. Believe me, that is a fulllll day!

I checked out another daycare with exH today. On the upside, it is really structured (almost too much! I do want S to be able to have time to just play!) but DAMN the room was super tiny where he would be all day! Smaller than the current sitch. So both of us really liked the other daycare from a couple of weeks ago. Also, exH mentioned something about crunching numbers to determine how much I would pay for it. His payment has been daycare+ extra money...it has been more than legally required by about $200. We'll see what his proposal is.

Ugh, am having an Rheumatoid Arthitis flare up! WHen it rains, it pours! When I went to request a medication refill, I was forced to schedule an appointment first. So next Tuesday, looks like I'm going to the doctor and taking the day to do so (when the appointment falls in the middle of the day, a full day sub is required). But hopefully that will help me catch up with my chores.

This weekend I have my friend's Christmas party to go to (I will also stay the night) and am currently still recovering from all of the laundry I couldn't do because I was so sick! Hopefully I can somehow get it all done, plus the weekly chores...
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 12/09/10 12:55 PM
My goodness you're one busy gal. Make sure you are taking some time for yourself, too.

Hopefully your exH's proposal falls in line with what he is currently paying and you don't lose any of the child support.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 12/10/10 03:45 AM
Hope you are able to get a handle on the RA before next Tuesday!
Please do take it easy and take care of yourself!

Good luck with the daycare search! I am so glad I don't have to do that anymore!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 12/10/10 04:48 PM
Get well soon newmama...do you know what the triggers are?

You're pretty motivated...perhaps you could do workouts at home? Kettlebells, DVDs, etc. It takes a lot of self-discipline but you can totally get fit that way.

If I was putting my child in full-time daycare, I would look for a small family-oriented Waldorf-style situation where they emphasize daily outdoor nature time. I would ask around at the local Waldorf school to get contacts. I love their approach to early childhood education (not in the grades though) and their emphasis on the whole child and healthy daily rhythms. That may not be your cup of tea but I just thought I'd share!

take care of yourself hun!
Posted By: gatsby11 Re: In the process - 12/11/10 01:37 AM
OMG, I have the same problem with workouts! I was planning on joining the Y, but I'm like, "So... I pick her up from the daycare just to bring her to another one? [censored] for her and me!" So I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm already going to therapy when WH has her one night... maybe I can fit in the gym on his other night.

It's so interesting hearing a 1st grade perspective-- I've got 'em up here at 6/7/8 grade...


see ya!
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: In the process - 12/11/10 02:24 AM
And I have trhem as HS seniors....ready to head off into the world....not sure there is much left for me to teach them.... they definitely think they know it all!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/11/10 02:38 AM
They think they know it all as sophomores.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: In the process - 12/11/10 03:59 AM
You're right, I have sophomes next term, and taught them last year as well....They may be worse than the seniors becausee they are starting to get driverr's licenses nd stuff and think they are adult, but are so NOT!!!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/11/10 05:31 AM
Mystik- I do try to stay busy! It prevents me from getting too depressed, I noticed. On Thursday it was raining cats and dogs--super super heavy rain. I couldn't bring myself to be motivated to do anything other than go home and put on my comfy clothes. BUt I had several hours of NOTHING until S was dropped off. Sure, there are ways to fill the hours but I was just BLAH. BORED. RESTLESS. Yuck. My point is that I think trying to plan stuff really helps!

CW- My RA toned down thank goodness! Today I woke up with minimal inflammation and was also able to pick up my prescription. Hopefully it will stay like this for awhile. (inactive) Thanks for the concern! I tend to forget I have it until it reminds me....

Gatsby- glad you could relate to the gym-daycare thing. And also not glad because we have to deal with this! I am jealous that my friend C goes 3 times per week while her H takes care of the kids. Oh well. This is our life, right?

FM- Thanks for the vote of confidence. I can definitely use the elliptic at home and my pilates dvds some time but the problem has been that when S is asleep, I am so not motivated to work out! (at 8 p.m.) This is a temporary problem. I can envision doing walks to the park, etc like I did before I went back to work. Also, for the first time in my life, I might say "so what?" if I am flabby from not working out for awhile. I know this is not my preference, but also know I envision more for myself, so it will happen again. We need to know when to take it all on and when to just let ourselves "manage!"

About the Waldorf daycare- I don't know much about that but it sounds good. AND expensive! wink

Brightnewday-how funny; you have them near the end of their school career and I have them near the beginning. For me they want to learn everything and say "I can't read" if they can't pick up any book from the library and read it! I have to explain that reading is a process and you go from reading small words to big words but everyone will get there....

I think it's funny that no one has commented about zoobrew!
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 12/11/10 08:56 PM
Originally Posted By: newmama
About the Waldorf daycare- I don't know much about that but it sounds good. AND expensive! wink
I don't think that a Waldorf "family daycare" would be more expensive than another type. It's more about finding the provider. But I have no idea what the options and costs are in your area of course.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: In the process - 12/11/10 10:08 PM
Quote:
Brightnewday-how funny; you have them near the end of their school career and I have them near the beginning. For me they want to learn everything and say "I can't read" if they can't pick up any book from the library and read it! I have to explain that reading is a process and you go from reading small words to big words but everyone will get there....


Wow, you get the ones who want to learn to read, while my students know how but don't want to! When I tell them what we are reading next, they ask if there's a movie instead!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/12/10 08:02 PM
Had fun at the Christmas Party last night! The kids were pleased with their presesnts and my friends all loved the gifts I got for them, made by my exSIL. She makes amazing purses, aprons, bags, oven mitts and even pillows! I was glad to support her business and also make my friends happy at the same time!

I did choke up at one of the game-conversation starter topics. It was about your best Christmas memory. Mine was with exH so I couldn't share it and I didn't want to think about it. BUt I recovered.

My Chicken tortilla soup won the soup cook off booby prize! It was a fiberoptic dancing Santa. So tacky and funny!

My grandma...in the hospital AGAIN! I was able to visit her yesterday on my way down to the party. They transferred her to a different hospital with a cardiac unit. BUT THE GOOD NEWS is the angiogram showed her heart was healthy and her issues have something to do with her bowels...sorry for TMI but she tries to go to the bathroom and gets a cold sweat, feels like she is going to pass out and then her blood pressure goes way up. If anyone has a guess, let me know. They are doing more tests and she will be there for a couple more days.

And now I am just doing chores until S comes home and we will go to the Zoo Lights event tonight. It is a bit of a hassle getting there but I think he will really like it.

Tomorrow I have dinner/play date with my single mom friend, so it will be busy getting there after work but we'll make it happen.

I am feeling a little empty right now but can't place my finger on it....just really really really ready for some extended time off! A silver lining to teaching, for sure...
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 12/12/10 08:17 PM
Sorry to hear about your grandmother's health issues. Hope the doctors figure it out soon, wonder if she has a blockage or kink in her bowels.

Yay for fun at the family party. I hear ya about the best memories including H, but now you can build new memories that include your DS.

Only two weeks until you get that nice long break.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/13/10 05:30 AM
Thanks Mystik- we'll see if your guess is right! I just want her well in time for Christmas, of course.

I got back from the zoo lights...wow!! SUPER gorgeous and SUPER awesome displays! I have never been. We took the train in and I decided to do it sans stroller, so I carried S most of the time. My arm is sore but I kept thinking of the extra calories I was burning by carrying around another 26-28 pounds! lol. My single mom friend met me for at zoo train ride and S was cranky but also seemed to like it. He pointed to different lights and made animal sounds for various animals (lights, not the real ones since they were sleeping!)

So exH's proposal for the daycare was decent...He is asking if I could afford to sort of pay $100 more and his support would drop by $100. Much better than the $200-300 that I feared! It won't happen until February. This is also good for me for paying for utilities through the winter.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/13/10 05:35 AM
Oh and a small thing that gave me pleasure- I asked exH if he would be fine with alternating New Year's. This year I would have S and he could have him next year, etc.

He said "Sounds fine by me. So are you going to __ this year?" I am not but I only said "oh, we'll do something..."

haha! Not his right to know! I remember when a goal of mine was to get him to ask me about my plans. Now I think "screw you."
Posted By: flowmom Re: In the process - 12/14/10 05:09 AM
LOL newmama. Yes, it's funny how things change. Glad you're keeping up the GAL. And yes you deserve a break...esp after your first term being a mother AND a teacher...congrats!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/14/10 06:27 PM
well zoobrew texted me and then called me last night. I almost didn't want to talk to him because I wasn't in the mood to talk--had read some depressing stuff on a thread about how LBS have difficulty trusting people again and remain numb to establishing intimacy. ALSO I had just eaten some jalapeno jelly mixed with sour cream (and chips) and my stomach was churning! But I was curious and since I do want to go out with him some time, I put in the effort.

We chatted for about 20 minutes while he was on his way to a buddy's house (who had just gotten divorced but he didn't want it). At the end he said "mind if I call you again some time?" and sounded a little like he was sticking his neck out! I said "absolutely! whenever you are available." He told me I could call him as well. Now HE is pursuing me, lol!

But this morning I decided I wanted some input into when I would see him again--I don't want him to call me at 10 p.m. and say "wanna come over?" I want to meet him and see how I feel smile

I texted him to let him know it was good talking to him but I wanted to talk in person next time and that my nights without S are Tues and Sat. (...unless I make other plans of course!)

He replied that he definitely wants to meet me for a brew since we had so much fun in the past wink and said he would be able to once things calm down. His business is booming and it is the holidays.

I felt good about establishing some boundaries in a way. I don't know how to explain it- not being "the man" and taking over, but letting him know if he wants to go out with me, there are limited times to do so. Does that make sense at all?
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/14/10 06:32 PM
FM- yep, exH also was asking me if I was meeting someone or some people to go to the zoo lights on Sunday! I forgot about that. He also asked me if I had plans on Saturday when he was arranging to get S a little earlier.

He ended up taking S on Monday because S had thrown up and had diarrhea the night before. He seemed fine on Monday but exH wanted to make sure he rested up, so he took the day off.

I was also pleased that he was "available" when I texted him around 11 p.m.the night before to let him know that S was sick. He replied within 10 minutes. Ever since he wasn't availabe that one time when I was pregnant and had to go to the hospital because I fell and chipped my tooth, I have been wary of being able to get hold of him in an emergency.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 12/15/10 03:19 AM
Ni NM

Glad the RA is back under control!

Hope your S is feeling better! My kids both have strep throat! I am thankful that they both got it at the same time!

Zoobrew sounds like he is getting his life together!

Your thread is always a "feel good" one to read!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/15/10 05:23 AM
Oh Man, CW! BOTH kids? You might be next, right? I hope not!

Glad to see you stop by. Yeah, tonight zoobrew texted me and invited me to go to the mountains with him next month! I really and truly don't want anything serious. I know that doing something fun like getting away does not imply that necessarily but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I said yes so we'll see what happens. We will talk again before then and I want to meet him in person to get a feel for what he is thinking...

Had a great day off though and saw a movie "Love and Drugs" that was pretty funny. The dr. appt was fine and useless but at least I got a flu shot.

Ok 3 more days until my winter break! woo hoo!

oh and exH texted me in the middle of the day to ask how S was doing...I told him yesterday that I would let him know if he was sick but he still had to ask. He then texted me tonight to let me know S was fine. And another text later to inform me he would be out of town on a business trip just for the day tomorrow but wanted to let me know in case S was sick. ????If S has been fine yesterday AND today, why would he get sick tomorrow? Whatever.
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/15/10 12:26 PM
Isn't it funny now that you have moved on exH is communicating more "for S". It sounds to me like he just wants to keep up with you.

I also have 3 more days so I am excited as well. I think us teachers are as anxious as the kids. Have a great break!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 12/15/10 02:43 PM
Hmm... Not sure what to think about Zoobrew. Maybe now that he's had time to sort out things in his life and figure out what he wants, you're still on his mind an awful lot. Definitely get a feel for where he's heading with this before getting in too deep.

And what is up with your exH? Possibly feeling some real regret for his actions?

Glad that DS is doing better, and yay for holiday break!!
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: In the process - 12/15/10 06:02 PM
Interesting, our exes....mine texted last night to tell me he forgot to tell me he was on an overnight trip to chicago. It was my night with the kids so he didn't really have to tell me...sometimes I think they just like keeping a little contact going.
Posted By: soleil Re: In the process - 12/15/10 06:24 PM
"OH by the way I forgot to tell you I'm on this trip."

Oh yeah he wants contact and to reach out to you, BBJ, especially when you did not require that info at all!
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: In the process - 12/15/10 06:29 PM
Yeah it was funny he even apologized for not telling me!? And then told me how he just tried raw oysters for the first time and they were weird. Pretty sure that is not kid related, necessary information! wink
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/16/10 02:56 AM
NM-
I am jealous that you have 3 days until break!! We are in school up until the 23rd! yuck! Someone said that your thread is always a feel good one to read, and I have to agree. Thanks for your positive posts. It helps to hear someone that is doing ok, since I am struggling so much right now.
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: In the process - 12/16/10 05:41 AM
Ugh! We are in school till the 23 as well! smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/17/10 04:44 AM
WTF? THE 23RD?? I hope you don't return until January 12! As a teacher, how can you get holiday prep done? I realize other people in different professions may work til then, but they have the option of taking some days off, right? I could be ignorant though.

Yeah my kids are all over the map this week, but tomorrow we have a FUUUN day and I can't wait!

I went to happy hour tonight with a former teacher friend and had a blast! AND the food was so yummy. I lost track of time,though, and had to let exH know I would be back at 7:40 instead of 7:30. I just let him know that I was having dinner with a friend and lost track of time. No worries- he returned S about 7:50 (although I was home at 7:35--sorry, being anal retentive). I admit I wished my friend and I could have chatted another hour or more!

I replied to zoobrew's text from last night after I had the happy hour. My friend warned me that skiing for the first time with a pro is rather intimidating and humiliating. Argh! At least I plan to discuss details with zoobrew before we go. But I have many other things to worry about before then--so I won't be thinking about it too much.

This weekend I don't have any plans in particular. It's okay, though-- plenty of boring but necessary tasks to keep me busy.
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: In the process - 12/17/10 05:16 AM
Well, as far as teachers getting things done, I broke down and took a personal day last week. I get two a year and didn't use them last year. So, I took one. And spent it doing about 80% of my shopping and wrapping. However my house is a flippin' mess and I am dying for a day to just clean and organize before Christmas gets here!! And sadly, we get out after school on 12/23 and go back on 1/3. Yuck.

Skiing with an experienced partner? I bet it will be intimidating! The guy I am dating currently takes a couple of ski trips every year and a year ago went to Switzerland with the guys to ski...and I have been skiing exactly once! So I will live through your experience... smile
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/17/10 01:12 PM
BobbiJo, you only get a week and a day for Christmas and New Years...YUCK! I personally wish I had a few days next week just so I wouldn't have to come back 1-3, but I feel for you only having one week and a day.

NM, enjoy the boring days, and have a great break!
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/17/10 02:35 PM
That's my break schedule this year to -12/23-1/3. But I am actually glad. Right now I do a lot better at work than I do at home. Being around kids is so therapeutic, my job has been such a blessing to me this year. smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/18/10 08:45 PM
WOO HOO! Winter break is here!

Yesterday I broke the "rules" and we had one academic activity and then made snowflakes, had a party (we had 2 birthdays to celebrate) where a mom brought goodie bags that were mostly little party favors--so nice! As well as some capri suns. I threw in some Doritos and Oreos and we had a dance party for about 20 minutes (burned up some of the junk, right? If we have junk we get to exercise in a form of recess or dancing). In the p.m.-- a movie with hot cocoa and candy canes.

The weather was cold but clear so when I picked up S, we went to the park and played for around 30 minutes. He was bundled up but I stoppped when his hands got cold. This morning all I wanted to do was stay in my pj's and lounge around with coffee. THANK GOODNESS that S seemed to be content to play around as well! I took turns playing kitchen with him or reading to him or playing with his blocks with him but also took turns talking on the phone to a girlfriend or making Christmas plans on FB with my family. I think he was happy to not have to get in the car and go somewhere again (we always do stuff). NOw he is taking a nap while I get some laundry done and write here on my thread.

Something bad happened, though! Before you read and tell me what a bad mom I am, he is ok THANK GOD. When I was on the phone, watching him 100% and never taking my eyes off of him -he was 3 feet in front of me-- he started playing with the drawers and cupboards on the buffet table in the entry way. He has done this before and it hasn't been a problem. I go over and remove the stuff that could hurt him so he can put his toys inside, etc. Again, I wasn't walking around the house or not looking at him, etc, I was fully watching him and letting him do this. IN A FLASH, he pulled some part of the table and the whole thing FELL ON HIM!!!! (not his head, it landed on his lap kind of.) Of course in a nanosecond I drop the phone and rush over in 1 second since I was so close! THANK YOU GOD that the table is a very light weight one and nothing was inside but he of course was super scared and so was I and I felt so stupid and guilty and shocked that he did this with my permission when I was watching what he was doing! I guess I feel the need to write this here because I feel so foolish for not anticipating that he could pull the table on him?!? Isn't that a #1 cause of ER visits? Kids climb on furniture and it falls on them??? I also felt guilty for talking on the phone...although if I had been sitting on the floor cleaning up toys he still would have done it. DUH- LIGHT WEIGHT also means easy to pull! It's just that I usually an smart about child proofing--it is a parent instinct thankfully--and now I am going to be double checking things around the house now. I never let him be in a separate room except when I am changing out the laundry or I have to go to the bathroom.

OK enough. I feel guilty, I feel relieved and I need to just be smarter from this point forward...arghhhh!!!
Posted By: awest1217 Re: In the process - 12/18/10 11:10 PM
Don't worry about it! Boys will be boys. You can't protect S 24/7, even though we all want to. Don't beat yourself up.

S needs his independence. He is going to do things and may from time to time get hurt. All you can do is protect him the best you can, but you can't anticipate everything. No worries.

Enjoy your break!
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 12/19/10 02:56 AM
Oh NM...I could tell you stories! I am amazed that my kids are both still hereand fully functioning!!! It is simply not possible to anticipate and protect them from everything!

Glad he wasn't hurt! smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/19/10 03:21 AM
ok so I also have a thread on MA and I forget what I post where!

THANK YOU for comforting me a little, CW and Awest although I am not comforted hearing that he will do stuff like this AGAIN! sigh...;)

just so you know, I am NOT going to engage in skiing with zoobrew if I end up going-- do you realize that has been causing me way more anxiety than actually seeing zoobrew again? lol! You would think I would be obsessing about the next date and how to communicate or act before then, but NO- I have been anxious over all the logistics that go into skiing for the first time without gear and with someone who is an expert! Now that I have made that decision, I feel much relief and can focus on other stuff.

Ugh...am looking forward to Christmas with S and seeing my family but I am not motivated at all to figure out what the heck to get them for gifts. I have run dry this year on clever ideas or "the perfect" gift. SO I will be going the basket route, I guess. That is kind of fun to do. A basket for my dad and his wife (who hasn't reacted warmly to any gift I have given her although she posts quotes from Mother Theresa and other saints on her FB wall each day), and one for my mom and her H. They are drinkers (aka alcoholics!) so I bet they'd be thrilled with a bunch of beer or booze but that would be "enabling" more than I already do, I guess! Ok sorry I am not in a bad mood- I am just annoyed that

1) my mom has not returned my texts, phone calls, or emails over the last 3 weeks

2)my dad wasn't willing to work with my schedule for when I have S and can bring him to HIS house across town (as always). I proposed Christmas eve morning and he said Thurs eve would be better- after dinner. DUH! first of all, S is with exH then. Second of all, even if I switched, S' bed time is 7-7:30! He lives 45 minutes away so I wish he would remember the baby days!

When he first said that Christmas Eve morning wouldn't work I responded with "tell me what time works for you."

I don't know if that was playing games-- I was trying to be direct and NOT go back and forth. Just basically "tell me what you want!"

I called him and he was "concerned" about my message- was I mad at him? I explained that I had a complicated schedule to work around between him, exH, my family and S' sleep and nap schedule and that although I understand that he is busy, I just get overwhelmed by all of the coordinating sometimes. He felt bad and compromised on Sunday after Christmas in the late afternoon.

3) my aunt wants to micromanage my plans for Christmas at MY house ....

Happy Holidays!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 12/19/10 04:05 AM
I agree with the others, thankfully DS wasn't hurt and you can't ever 100% babyproof a place. Those little guys are quite skilled at finding things we parents miss.

Yay for holiday break! The last day of class sounds like it was fun for everyone there.

Can totally understand your annoyances. It's your house, you should do what you want. And glad that your dad was able to work with you on finding a good time that fit both your schedules.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/19/10 05:10 AM
so I have to post something else-- just got off the phone with a friend of mine who is a betrayed spouse. His wife still hasn't filed for divorce (been a year+ since they have been separated and she started the process but stopped). Well, today some "older woman" called her OM's mom and went off trash talkin her and what she is doing. Apparently, the woman also called a couple of weeks ago when his W was on vacation (with her stepmom, NOT OM) but the OM's mom just let them know today. His W said she was filing for D on Monday.

He initially replied by explaining that he doesn't care about her, he is fed up, he is living his life (fyi--he also has been dating someone that he doesn't care much for over the last 4 months) and his family doesn't care about her--that no one he knows or his mom would do such a thing at this point. She seemed to believe him. She initially suspected her mom did it!

Then he explained that he added later in the conversation that he does care what happens to her and doesn't want her to be hurt.
He asked her how being officially divorced would improve her life at this point (apparently she has been having extreme financial issues, the kids are lashing out at OM and her and life has been hard). She said she thought it would change things.

By the end of the conversation(s), she stopped talking about filing for D and was more focused on finding out who did this. She ended up figuring out someone found OM's mom on FB and she ended up deleting 200 "friends!"

So I share this because I kind of think it was a form of exposure. It seems like it is likely that it was her MOM (considering some details that were shared about her that no one else besides my friend knows)!

And surely, OM's mom is now doubting things and feeling duped because she was fed one story and now it could all be lies...

WOW!

ok just sharing... considering how broke she is, I doubt she will be filing on Monday and I reminded my friend how many times exH said he was going to do it before he did. And I reminded him that it wasn't too horrible when it happened, because, like him, I had already suffered and at the same time was building a life acting as if I was divorced (pretty much).
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/19/10 02:26 PM
NM-
It is so hard trying to schedule around your little guy's sleep schedule!! That used to be a source of conflict between wh and I b/c he always justed wanted to "go with the flow" and it is so hard when your child is that age. You really cant!! My son would not sleep anywhere but a bed. You couldn't just have him sleep in a stroller, or on a couch, or even in my lap. Noone ever seemed to understand this. They would always say " oh, well he can just sleep in the stroller right?"
But it gets better soon. My son is 2 1/2 and I still stick on a pretty tight schedule with his naps and bedtimes but he is actually getting to an age where if we skip a nap we can usually make it till bedtime or if we need him to stay up late he can.
I would be curious to hear how your friend's situation works out. His W is talking about divorce now, but I wonder if exposure will actually push her in the other direction eventually. I have kept everything so quiet for my wh. But am just now starting to tell people.

Hang in there! The holidays are almost over!!! (I can't believe I am excited about that.)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/19/10 06:09 PM
Thanks ladies! I really think my dad has forgotten the baby days. S is a delight UNLESS HE IS TIRED. He is a baby that HAS to sleep or we all have Hell to pay. I remember before having a baby, I thought 'what's the big deal if they stay up a little later or skip a nap?' HAHAHAHA!

GM- don't worry, I won't buy them booze! I was kind of using dark humor there. You know what I wish I could have got my mom in time was some kind of photo gift! Like a 2011 calendar with his pictures on it. But damn, I just couldn't get it together this year for some reason. I swear, last year I was more on top of it and S was much younger and I was going through the stress of being in limbo!

So, just asked a cousin who has time off this week if she had an hour to spare to help me take some pictures of S...maybe mom can get a late Christmas present.

OK off to clean--my usual Sunday chores--and then when S comes home we are off to a 2 year old's birthday party! Tomorrow I will put him in daycare about an hour before his nap and then pick him up shortly after (so I cando some shopping). The next day I will drop him off again but let exH pick him up from there so I can WRAP everything. Christmas Eve will be spent preparing for the next day's party.

Ho ho ho...
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/19/10 06:11 PM
just received a Christmas card addressed to exH and family at this address...from someone whose last name I don't recognize. I am assuming it is a coworker--are you kidding me? THEY STILL DON'T KNOW?
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 12/19/10 07:26 PM
NM, glad to see you're dong well. I too got a xmas card from STBXW's extended family...apparently not everyone knows. Though in your case the D is a done deal so that's even more interesting.

What are your xmas plans? unless I missed that update.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/19/10 08:45 PM
Hi IR! Thanks for stopping by. My Christmas plans are for S to see exH on Christmas eve overnight (we will alternate I guess) and then he will be with me on Christmas.

On Christmas Eve, I will get very sh!tfaced while wrapping presents and preparing for the family to come over the next day. I will be drinking applecider and bourbon, I think, and maybe eat some yummy treat although I might want to save that until the Christmas meal. I may watch Bad Santa all by my BAD self, lol! Don't try to talk me out of my apple cider drinkfest...it's on.

On Christmas Day, I will be hosting the family meal and party over here. Between the diabetics and vegetarians, we will have a variety of food. I will not be having any alcohol during that time since I will have gotten my fill the night before.

On the day after Christmas, I will take S to visit my dad in the evening. Hopefully exH can take him during that day so I can clean up post party.

I got S a stuffed lion for his stocking today-- he says "ROOOR!" whenever he sees a lion! SO CUTE.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/19/10 08:46 PM
This year I am almost A GRINCH compared to last year! I DON'T GET IT!
Posted By: Mystik Re: In the process - 12/19/10 08:54 PM
I have been a Grinch each Christmas for years. Up until this year the only reason I even bothered with a tree each Christmas was because I was obligated to have one since I had a child. The Grinchies are coming on again this year now.
Posted By: ImprovedRomeo Re: In the process - 12/19/10 10:31 PM
You're a mean one... grin

Bbut I love your plans and I'm not the one to talk anyone out of drinking. In fact, as Homer Simpson said the solution to every problem is at the bottom of a cold bottle.

Mystik, hope you're doing well and connected with CG!
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/20/10 05:47 AM
Well I found out why my mom hasn't gotten back to me! BUt she could have because the way she got back was through my sister (who still lives with her). My sister called me to check on Gram then passed her phone to mom.

Mom said their landline wasn't working, they had no internet and her cell phone was a piece of crap--only worked 25% time. She has bad credit so she uses Cricket. I suspect it isn't her phone but the cell phone provider!

Well she is going to make the scalloped potatoes (phew! I am worried I wouldn't cook the potatoes long enough or something sicne I have never made it before)

I am going to make a toasted quinoa pilaf, mashed potatoes, roasted asparagus, roasted red onions, hummus, orange-honey glazed carrots and maybe even some SMOKED ONION DIP!

I saw this recipe on Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. The guy smoked the onions on the stove! I have hickory chips! He put the onions in a colander type pot and put that on top of the pan of hickory chips. He smoked them for about 45 minutes. Then he pureed the onions while still warm, and mixed them with mayo and sour cream, and added some spices. I think I will just look up recipes for onion dip to figure out the spices.

Oh and the smoked onion dip was actually served alongside bbq chicken quesadillas--roasted chicken tossed in homemade bbq sauce, throw some cheese on top and put inside a folded tortilla (you know, like how you make quesadillas).

I think I can make the dip the night before, and maybe even the quinoa pilaf. The carrots and the mashed potatoes I can cook on the stove, starting it at 2 (the party is at 3) and I will put the asparagus on a separate sheet and rack than the onions and put both in the oven.

Yay! I am getting excited about preparing the recipes. The secret to my motivation was keeping the TV on the foodnetwork all day while I was cleaning or on the internet.
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/20/10 06:12 AM
Today I asked ExH about how/when we should drop off the application to the new daycare. We decided that he would give me the check and paperwork and I would drive it over this week (since I have the days off).

He asked me "what do you think we should tell the director?" I said that we should tell her that you live on the north side of town, I am on the south, and we needed something in the middle.

He adds "yeah, you can tell her that you needed something close to your work." (???HE HAS BEEN REPEATING THIS FOREVER and I don't know where he is getting it from! Maybe because I was excited about the daycare possibility that was 2 buildings away from my work. But I insisted that wasn't a necessary requirement.)

I wonder if he was afraid that I would give the director too much information about how he lives with another woman and divorced me in order to be with her...heh heh!


And then we discussed this next week's plans. First we were talking about when he would pick up S on Christmas Eve. I asked him what time he preferred...I was open because I could use time to wrap presents and get the house prepared for the next day, etc. He said he was flexible. Then I was telling him that I think he could pick up S on the day after Christmas for a few hours if he wanted because I needed to clean up after the party and then be ready to take S to my dad's that night. He said that was fine and that he didn't have any plans.

He added that he might be able to take S straight over to visit his mom and sister since she is in town. (year 2 of him not bringing OW to visit during Christmas. Wow, what a great relationship to be in where you have to hide the love of your life--no, make that SOUL MATE-- from your family! HA.HA. He deserves every stress and inconvenience that is coming his way!!!)

I told him that I had taken S with me to his sister's because I purchased Christmas presents from her. He looked at me in a surprised way. I told him that she's very talented! Did he not remember or even know that she is making homemade bags, aprons, etc? I added that I was going to be dropping by real quick on Wednesday to pick up some more things since I had tons of shopping to do still.

Then we discussed when he would pick up S on Tuesday. I told him taht he could pick him up from daycare because I would be dropping him off just before his nap. Again, exH looked surprised and said "Oh-from daycare?" I explained that I will need to finish my shopping so I would drop him off just before his nap. That way, he will only be awake for a couple of hours before exH gets him. I don't know if exH was judging me for putting him in daycare or what! He did say "well, I guess since we're paying for daycare you might as well use it." I did remind him that it was only for a few hours, and I wouldn't be putting him in it every day.

(Tomorrow I will drop S off at daycare for 3 hours- he will get there in time for lunch, then have a nap and I will get him when he wakes up! I will have enough time to drive to one shopping center, pick up stuff for a few members of the family, and drive back to get S)
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/20/10 09:15 PM
Something is up with S so I couldn't get any Christmas shopping done- I am keeping him with me today smile Hopefully he'll better tomorrow so I can run around and take care of it all!

He'll be waking from his nap within the hour and then we will have lots of time on our hands. I guess I am not one to enjoy sitting around the house all the time; if he seems to be up for it I might try to take him to one store!
Posted By: lostandconfused6 Re: In the process - 12/21/10 02:54 AM
I am the same way nm, me and S have to keep busy. Christmas lights have been such a blessing b/c he loves to look at them this year and it kills a little bit of time every night. I don't know if it is his awarenss of his dad not being there, but neither he nor I like to be at home very much right now. When I pick him up from daycare each night I get this sinking feeling... "I have to go home now" and he always says from the back seat "no go home, mommy".

Also, it is ironic, but it seems like anytime I ever planned for my son to spend a few hours at daycare while i got something done he would get sick. smile
Posted By: newmama Re: In the process - 12/22/10 12:53 AM

If you would like to join, check it out and I hope to see you!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: courageous wife Re: In the process - 12/22/10 01:28 AM
I am sorry to see you leaving NM! I hope you will check in...I always look forward to your posts!
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