Thank you so much to Jeff and Serenity...I don't know why I let my self fall so far and hurt so deeply this evening. Well, I didn't know. But now I do.
My marriage is over.
It has been over legally since February.
It has been over emotionally since whenever Dan turned his feelings off for me, whenever he chose to turn to someone else and to make me the scapegoat. And that has been going on for years.
And no matter how many times I dropped the rope with one hand, the other hand picked it up.
The part of me that is the unapologetic goofball optimist never let that little ember of hope go. However, all that did was allow me to continue to feel hurt by his antics.
If I had truly accepted that our relationship was over and could not be revived, then I would not have been surprised by his actions. We all know insanity is doing the same thing and hoping for a different result.
Anybody remember that odd lady Susan Powter or something? She had a buzz hair cut and would shout "Stop the Insanity"!!! Well it's about time I do that isn't it?
The most embarrassing thing is that I realize that for a long time, I almost let Dan replace God. I mean, I always loved God, but I know I looked to Dan for acceptance, love, validation, and approval. I realize now that whenever Dan rejected me, even this afternoon, I let myself believe it was true, that I was unlovable.
Well, now I am calling Bullsh!t.
My buddy Woog thinks I am awesome. You guys think I am pretty great (when I am not acting like a doorknob). I have friends and family and most importantly, I know God loves me.
So time to stop letting one man's opinion determine how I feel.
I took my thread title from a song I posted on my FB page. The thing that makes a person's character, is that they get up when they fall down.
So, I am getting up and dusting myself off. Time to truly move along...more than I ever have before.
Just remember that Dan and SandyCay's XH are both donkeys.
Miserable Men!
Wildcats are up 7 to 0 over Hawkeyes early in the first quarter.
The Ducks scored 69 points in 3 quarters. If they kept starters out there, it was possible to have a 100 to 0 game.
Cornhuskers put some serious hurt on the Dawgs today.
So true, Kerry. And who needs to seek approval from a donkey?
Well, his cattle partner friend texted me a minute ago. Said "Sorry your ex doesn't want you buying cattle from me. I still think you're awesome!"
So that was nice.
Apparently Dan got upset with him first, then ignored him. I told him regardless of our situation I was glad Dan had a nice friend like him, and that I would not put him in the middle by talking about Dan. He replied back, clearly relieved. Still, I am not going to chat too much with him in the future because I know he and Dan talk regularly and I don't want caught up in that.
Ok, back to cleaning the house. Everytime I start I get major ADD!
Wildcats are up 7 to 0 over Hawkeyes early in the first quarter.
The Ducks scored 69 points in 3 quarters. If they kept starters out there, it was possible to have a 100 to 0 game.
Cornhuskers put some serious hurt on the Dawgs today.
Yep I was reviewing the college scoreboard and saw how the Ducks and Huskers dominated...
What is funny is that LaMichael James ran for 228 yards on 14 carries in just the first half and was disappointed by something lacking in his game - "worst game of my life". The guy is setting the bar too high!
Wow. I missed something. I thought you were moving along really well. Whatever happened today you'll power past it and Dan's really going to kick himself in three or four years.
I actually had a meeting with the richest man in town Friday. He's going through a D and wanted to commiserate with me (his already has cost $1 million).
I told him about the site and some of the really strong people I've encountered and you were top of the list.
Kerry--Yeah, I would take that for a worst performance!
CTH--I posted on my other thread the events of the afternoon/evening. Lots of pissiness on his end and tears on mine. But I am regrouping so I started a new thread...
((((((((BobbiJo))))))))
You know we will always be here for you!
I just caught up. That whole conversation was crappy of him to say. In the future, maybe you could just caught him off with "haven't we gone over this already?"
Don't defend yourself. He's not going to listen anyway.
Man, I would hate the second part of the conversation. I don't look forward to having relationship conversations with STBXW.
You can't fix him and in the end the kids will figure things out. Just keep on getting better.
I call bullsh*t too.
It will always be something when it comes to certain WAS's... cows, lupus, being broke and whatever else they can conjure up in their minds. And people like Dan and D (my H) are the WAS that are least done. WAS don't continue to engage with the LBS three years later like our H's do for no reason. Sadly though they choose the same approach and wind up further back than they started. D has been doing the same thing to me for the past few weeks. It's abusive and cruel. People who are abusive and cruel are lost and both of our H's are very, very lost. Their inability to find their way to a place of peace and self understanding often makes us the target. We can remove ourselves as much as possible. We do our best.
You though, Bobbi Jo, have a generous quality about you that radiates in each thing you do. And the idea of hope that you have (had) cements how generous in spirit you are.
You are lovable - we all know that. You are fun, kind, dedicated and a ball of sunshine with the prettiest face on Facebook!
What is inspiring about you is how you ALWAYS have the ability to pick yourself up after a hard stretch with Dan or work or your family. You find strength and share strength with us.
N
(((Bobbi Jo)))
@CG>>>"WAS don't continue to engage with the LBS three years later like our H's do for no reason. Sadly though they choose the same approach and wind up further back than they started."
Reading your other thread about what was said by Dan & when, it does appear that he uses what he can to keep engaging you. What better way than thru the kids, OW, etc.
It's only since I have gone to somewhat extreme measures to avoid contact with H that I have regained balance & some peace in my life.
It's Dan that doesn't seem to want to let go. Maybe he knows that he will probably regret losing you & wants to keep you connected in the only (unhealthy) way he knows how.
@CG>>"You are lovable - we all know that. You are fun, kind, dedicated and a ball of sunshine with the prettiest face on Facebook!
What is inspiring about you is how you ALWAYS have the ability to pick yourself up after a hard stretch with Dan or work or your family. You find strength and share strength with us." This is true...ignore Dan's
evaluation, it's only used to keep control.
Take Care,
Sunny
Ali posted this on my old thread before it closed...
Hey Bobbi.. I read that and my instinct was.. Dan was jealous. He has a possessive/controlling personality right and probably cant bear the thought of you 'jumping into bed' with his business partner. I guess you got ahead of yourself talking to them at dinner and didnt think that it may rile Dan...or did you??
Kalni is right, you need to let go and move on ?? I cant help thinking that you need a bf, any bf, just to take the focus off Dan. It doesnt have to be 'the one', it could be a transitional relationship right.. you are lucky in a sense that you already have your family, so you dont need to urgently find Mr Right. Its like groundhog day.. can you see that? If you cant make yourself let go, maybe you could just date someone, anyone, lol, to force the process. You are divorced, so it is allowed!
Why dont you be honest with Dan next time he calls and 'chews you out'.. instead of all this trying to explain, convince him or justify yourself and get him to care and change his mind?? (thats how I view your convo's, you trying desperately to get him to change his opinion of you).. why not either a) say, I cant keep having these conversations with you and put the phone down or b) just cry, shout, tell him to f-off or whatever REALLY is in your heart c) tell him you are not over him yet and you need more time to do that before you can be friends and in the meantime.. LEAVE ME THE F*&$ ALONE.
On a separate point..he thinks you didnt support him in the M, so he left, he divorced you and yet he is STILL angry about it??! Whats that all about ?? I'm guessing its not really about you and maybe one day, he will realise that Bobbi, but I dont think it will be anytime this century!
_________________________
Me:39 H:36 Together:11yrs
IDLY left 11/07 ADs 03/08 ow 8/08
Reconciled 05/09 now married!
my thread
1) Ali I think he was upset about the partner, for more than one reason. When he dropped kids off yesterday, he was still fuming about it. He said, "I am so glad you are debt free and have money to spend on cows. Because I sure don't. I am flat broke." So he has got to be bitter than I am living well financially, and he isn't. I just said, "Well, guess the consequences of divorcing me must suck for you."
2) He is still trying to spend money on something, who knows what all... Yesterday after the tirade about being broke he said, "And I tried to get a loan last week for something and I couldn't because my name is on this house. Get it out of my name now." I said, "I will, I have a year to do it..." That pissed him off. BC that means I could take until February. Actually I have the paperwork, I just picked it up from my local bank. I just have to fill it out and return it.
3) As far as you Ali and K have mentioned about dating, I am getting there. Trust me, I want to be dating and having fun! Just need willing participants whom I actually find desirable.
Aviator guy and I went out once, but with his kids and mine on opposite custody schedules that is not going anywhere. We may go out again in 2 weeks, which would be almost 2 months in between our first and second date...
Then golf guy wants to get together again, but he lives 2 hrs away, so our dates will prob be one a month at best.
Speech coach guy just texted me Sat night. With school back on we have seen each other a time or two for coaches' meetings. And we have a coach retreat in 2 weeks out of town. I know he will not be "The Guy", neither will the other ones I have been chatting with. But I don't care. I just want to go out, have fun, get kissed.
Bout time sister...bout time..
he's a dick I'm telling ya...a dick..
and on a side note..I'd like to see The Tide play The Ducks...that would be a good game..if the Ducks still had Masoli...I would consider them unbeatable..
Oh, and regarding Stephanie...
Yesterday kids came running up my sidewalk breathlessly excited when Dan droppped them off. "Mom! Dad's friend from work came to Pizza Machine with us! And her son came too. He's seven. I like him."
Kids ran inside, I walked over to the car. I said, "If you have them 50% of the time,how about you spend the other 50% with her?" He says, "She is not moving up here, she cannot." Again, I assume it is in her decree and her son is only seven so that will be years...
I said, 'OK, so you guys are going to date long distance for years? That doesn't sound worth it...'
To which he replies, "She is just a friend that's all.Because she can't move here." I actually laughed out loud at that one.
I said, "Well the kids are smart and they know friends don't have overnight visits"...he just said, "We don't have those. She drove back last night all the way to K.C. She is just a friend."
Now that right there is funny.
Serenity is right I can't allow myself to be second or third in line for him. I wouldn't want to be her, anyway. At least in my case I know I tried so hard bc of 18 years together and 2 kids. Here she is apparently willing to drive 5 hours round trip to spend time with him on occasion when schedules permit, knowing they aren't getting married or even moving in together anytime soon. Hell maybe they both prefer it that way, they can go screw around with anyone else they want and then just hook up from time to time.
Onward and upward for me. There was no preschool today bc it is an early dismissal day. I didn't realize we canceled on those days, I have a lot to learn about preschool!
Oh and the family reunion yesterday was a lot of fun. Great to spend hours with people who love me.
Talking with him about his personal life is just added frustration for you. And from Dan's perspective, it tastes a bit controlling with a side dish of jealousy. I think you need to let it go from now on.
Yeah I know. I guess I was just having a "WTF" moment...
I mean, they are serious about each other, planning on moving in togther, getting married, etc, then the kids would have to know about her, obviously.
But instead he is saying, BECAUSE she cannot live here, BECAUSE she is just a friend, it is okay for the kids to know her and spend time with her.
And yeah, I guess if one of my guy friends who is really just a friend wanted to do something together with my kids maybe at some point I would consider it. But Speech Guy offered to do something with all of us one weekend last year when we had not gone on a date yet, and I still said I would feel uncomfortable having another man around my kids.
So anyway it just came out when he said that. I was like "Really? That's the angle you are going with? She is a 'friend'?" and it made me laugh. I will learn to control that impulse. In fact last night as I was mowing I had a quick thought--if she gets preggers it will be hard to call her just a friend. In the past I would have shared that thought with Dan. This time I just kept mowing...
And now I am starving. Gotta get some lunch here soon.
I think it gives him some kind of boost when he "get's to you". Because that wouldn't be happening if all those feelings were gone. For some reason, neither of you have let go.
It really helped me to keep seeing ex as just the mailman. I am cordial but don't offer any info unless it deals with the kids. What I do with my time &/or my money isn't his concern. Stop yourself and think...Would I share that with the mailman.
You know I still slip now and then but ex is becoming less and less a fixture in my life. I even asked the boys if they wanted to spend more time with him and they both said," No, all he does most of the time we are together is watch tv with his Dad. He isn't spending time with us in any real way."
You will get there.
kat
Oh, Kids ran inside, I walked over to the car. I said, "If you have them 50% of the time,how about you spend the other 50% with her?" He says, "She is not moving up here, she cannot." Again, I assume it is in her decree and her son is only seven so that will be years...
I said, 'OK, so you guys are going to date long distance for years? That doesn't sound worth it...'
To which he replies, "She is just a friend that's all.Because she can't move here." I actually laughed out loud at that one.
I said, "Well the kids are smart and they know friends don't have overnight visits"...he just said, "We don't have those. She drove back last night all the way to K.C. She is just a friend."
Totally useless discussion. He only got his fix of "I can still push her buttons", but you kne wthat right?
If it's funny laugh. Who cares.
Wanna hear something funny??? I have a song on my iPod from the Friday Night Lights soundtrack. It's called "If It's The Beaches" by the Avett Brothers. Awesome, heartfelt song.
The opening of the song goes like this...
Don't say its over
Cause that's the worst news I could hear
I swear that I will
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for youI was playing it in the car yesterday and Nathan (8) says, "What? Man that guy's a wimp. He shouldn't change for anybody."
Um, yeah....you sure figured that out years before your mom!!!!
What a perceptive and bright little boy!
A woman marries a man with the thought that she can change him, but he never changes.
A man marries a woman with the thought that she will never change, but she always changes.
I read this joke when I was at dinner tonight with the kids...
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" The homeless man replied "No, I had to stop drinking years ago".
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing", the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women."
LOL best one I have heard in a while.
Thanks Kerry
Hey guys.. well firstly, I disagree. I think we can and should change if someone brings out the best in us and teaches us something that means change is necessary/healthy. I think relationships are about compromise and growing and that involves changes too and thats a good lesson to learn. If I hadnt changed.. I frankly wouldnt be back with H now. I needed to change, for my own sake. Him leaving, however devastating, was the best thing that happened to me. It made me change in ways I definetly needed to for my own happiness, with or without winning him back.
Bobbi... I dont understand why you went outside and had that convo with Dan?? After the way you started this thread too. I think sweets, you have a job of letting go of things. You sure are stubborn!
What were you hoping to achieve by it? If it was a straight question about how to approach things with the kids, it could have come out differently, but it sounded like you were asking because you just want to know.
Why did you suggest to Dan..."If you have them 50% of the time,how about you spend the other 50% with her?" - didnt that make you feel humiliated, suggesting he see MORE of his girfriend? And then to go on to say 'OK, so you guys are going to date long distance for years? That doesn't sound worth it...'.. is that just wishful thinking?
Bobbi, I said it in my last post, its like groundhog day. Maybe you should consider changing habits of a lifetime that maybe arent really serving you?? Its kind of heartbreaking to see you still so not over him, but I understand how hard it must be. Afterall, Dan was your world, you were together since you were 16.
First, on the idea of changing...I do believe that all of us have room for improvement! And I definitely believe in compromising sometimes, doing things because we know it makes our partner smile even if it isn't our favorite thing, etc etc.
The message of the entire song, though, was that he was basically saying he would change anything, do anything, be anything if it meant the woman who left him would come back. That is totally different.
It can become a snowball effect. First, your partner doesn't like the music you listen to, so you stop listening to it and listen to what she likes. Then, your partner doesn't like how you dress (this happened to my oldest sister), so you dress differently....and on and on. If you are like a dog chasing its tail trying to change and change and change for someone to think you are good enough, that is not a good place to be.
As far as the convo went, I agree it was poorly thought out. Or, I should say, not thought out at all. I wasn't trying to be manipulative or judgemental or controlling, honestly. I was actually just geniunely taken by surprise. The whole thing seems ridiculous to me. If she can't move for 10 more years bc of the stipulations of her child's custody, then what the freak is the point? I know, that is not my business. But as he was saying it (she will never move here, it can never happen), the whole thing just seemed pointless.
I guess bc in my case if I had a 'friend' who could never be a consistent part of my life--I couldn't live with them, marry them, whatever--I may decide to keep seeing them. But, why would I involve my kids? Guess it just shows how we are different. I don't intend to introduce my kids to anyone I date unless/until I get to the point where I am considering a serious, committed, marriage-leaning relationship. Until that time I will date on my own time, not the kids.
That is what I mean when I said, "How about you see her the other 50%", Ali. I didn't mean be more involved with her, but if he did that's not my problem anyway. I just meant, if she is going to be a sporadic presence in your life, no need to involve the kids. If they were shacking up or getting married of course the kids would have to get used to her. But since they aren't, it just seems unnecessary.
Oh well, I am tired of talking about it. He will do what ever he will do.
Fun day at preschool this morning. We had an apple taste-test and the kids got to vote their favorite: red, green, or yellow. Tomorrow we paint/print with apples.
It's school picture day and the kids look adorable, of course. Nathan just lost his second tooth on Saturday night so now he has two missing teeth.
Sydney came in to my room when she got here on the bus from daycare. She comes for p.m. preschool. I took her from her room for five minutes and changed her. Didn't want her getting her lunch on her picture sweater!
Then I put a little lip gloss on her which totally made her day...tonight she has her first dance lesson ever...
F Then I put a little lip gloss on her which totally made her day...
My D16 shared with me this past summer when we were updating her makeup for the start of school, she remembers vividly the first time I put lip gloss on her. She described it so beautifully I almost wept.
We have impact in ways we overlook in all the tiny things.
Hugs
Bridge
I can see what you are saying.. so perhaps that is a valid point? That you dont want him having woman around your kids, confusing them, if its not going to be a committed/marriage type R? I think though you didnt have a stipulation like this in your divorce, is that right? (like Erin Woods did!).
I still think all this texting with him is unhealthy for you. Can you discourage the texts? Either ask him to stop doing it and phone if its important instead (or email) or just start ignoring the less important ones and dont respond, to teach him that he WONT get a response that way? You cant have any kind of proper, meaningful discussion by text message about such important matters as who gets to spend time with your children and what that means etc.
Rooting for you Bobbi, as always
Thanks Al!
Well the convo re. ow not moving here/having her around the kids was done in person. I am going to avoid text confrontations of any sort. If he texts me something combative, I will just delete and move on. Better for my mental health!
I am home today, not feeling great. Going to go take a nap now, dr. appt this afternoon. Nathan went to school complaining of a sore throat. He has weird tonsils--they have tons of folds in them so they look big even when he isn't sick. I told his teacher to have the school nurse check him out and call me if they need me. Hard to believe with 3 ear tube surgeries they finally took out his adenoids but left the tonsils??
OK time to relax.
Just remember that Dan and SandyCay's XH are both donkeys.
Miserable Men!
That's right, they are.
I know your not feeling well Bobbi but I got to swing some wood at ya girlie!
I know I'm behind the 8 ball because I dont' get on everyday.
What Dan does is his business and what you do is yours. Wether it's money, women, cows, or you having hot monkey sex with a 25 year old.
That's what you need to tell him. Oh, he loooooves keeping you on the hook and (every other woman) too. Dan can't be quiet with himself and always needs drama in his life,,,, wether it's business or pleasure.... he loves drama..... Get your drama from Glee
Your to super foxy for that loser donkey! Can you imagine if your daughter or BF was married to someone like Dan. Time to be objective about him and what he does and most of all his character. He is what he is..... nothing more nothing less but not a man worthy of you.
It doesn't matter anymore.... it shouldn't.
In my situation, my EXH hates me so much but can't explain why.... but he needs to do that in order to JUSTIFY what he has done ..... very sad.
It's not about me... and the one truth my EXH told me was "you deserve better than me". I didn't believe him at the time but I deserve way more.
On a side note: Did you say cattle friend wanted you to get together or call or coffee without his wife? I'm to lazy to look back, but be careful.....
I am with sandycay 1000000%. And about the last comment too. My alarm went off when I read it as well but I didnt want to sound super sensitive.
I totally hear you guys. I would not meet with cattle guy unless it was dinner with him AND his wife. However, after last weekend's drama, I doubt I will meet and catch up. I mean, I shouldn't have to give that up for Dan but right now it isn't worth the stress level.
Well I was home today for my own upset stomach. Then my school called at ten to say Nathan was running a fever w/sore throat. He told me this morning that he had a sore throat and I looked, it was not red, so I sent him. Crap! Doc says bacterial sinus infection...sore throat is just from drainage. So much for napping the day away! Instead it was doctor appointments (him and me) and pharmacy trips.
My appt was a good one. Not related to my stomach issues! I finally went to a dermatologist for my newly developing adult acne. Grr! No fair I am approaching wrinkle time and still battling acne. He set me up with three different meds--one oral, two topical. He said it is common for women in their 30s to develop acne as our hormones are changing. I don't care what the reason, just glad to be getting rid of it! It affects my confidence...only drawback is no tanning bc it makes me sensitive to sunlight, real or pretend.
Minimal contact with Dan this week (school pics/Nathan sick about all we have had to communicate about) which is good for the stress levels...
BBJ,
For what it's worth, my esthetician and acupuncturists both told me to eliminate or avoid cow dairy to reduce my acne, and it worked like a charm. Now if I overindulge on cheese, I break out. I'm just fine if I avoid it. Goat or sheep's milk cheese doesn't bother my skin at all. It's something about the amount of lactose and how it gunks the works up.
SD
((((((((BobbiJo))))))))
Uhhh.... you are NOT getting close to wrinkle time!
Because I said so!
Well I did just turn the big 3-5. Heck I swear some of the girls in those anti-aging product commercials look like they are still in their twenties!! Guess they want us to start buying products early, don't they!?
I will keep the milk thing in mind, SD. I am not a big milk drinker but I do eat my fair share of cheese...I need to drink a lot more water, too. That should help. And he told me to ditch all the anti-acne face wash and lotions I have bought and just use Dove soap on my face.
It was awesome cause I went for acne but then I showed him a spot on my finger I thought may be a wart. He said, "Yep, it is." And he froze it on the spot. Took about 5 seconds. Can't beat that! It was like a buffet of problem-solving in one visit!
BobbiJo..... 3-5 is, well, young! And someday, you might actually look that old!
I had acne up until I was 30. There was this village president I had to cover for the newspaper and he was an *ss. He'd call and ream me out, then not return phone calls, then have his cronies harass me.
He got beat in the 2002 election and .... my acne suddenly went away.
All stress related.
It came back last year after the breakup, but it went away at end of last summer. Yeah.
My thing is the gray hair is coming in on the sides. I've read that should make me look distinguished. I see it as looking old.
Yeah, I am sure the stress does not help things much!
Well since Nathan came home sick, Dan had to come here and get him instead of going to daycare. But it was a brief, polite exchange. That is pretty much my plan from now on...
Now, a free evening...season premiere of Modern Family....yay me!
Ugh. Nathan still sick. I told Dan to let me know and I would stay home. Well his mom called at 7 (Dan left at 6:30 for a flight to Montreal) and said he was too sick to go to school.
I called the sub finder and she told me, there are no subs. What??? So I have to go in for the morning half when I teach preschool, then I can go relieve MIL. Crap!
I'll keep an eye out for him......maybe i'll head out to the airport with a big sign!
Oh Johnny boy you are the first person I thought of when he said Montreal. It is an in-and-out trip (wow how fitting is that for him!), left this a.m. and back late tomorrow night.
Btw forgot to say it but good to hear from you, Mike! Now that you are a happily married man we see less of you, but that is a good thing I'm sure.
GRRR! Went to pick up kids at Dan's house and there is a big plastic bag in the middle of the living room with his old work logo and "Stephanie Lastname" written on it in sharpie. So apparently his friend is leaving bags of stuff at his house? And it was right in the open to apparently MIL knows they are seeing each other now since she was home with the kids all day...
I know, don't let it bother me...not sure why it irritates me but it does. So I figured I would write it down here instead of saying anything out loud...
((((BobbiJo)))))
Detach, detach, detach....
It doesn't really matter what the bag was... coming, going, whatever.
It irritates you because you still can't understand how he could replace his family, you, with her. The thing is, despite what it looks like, that's not what happened. He was acting on whatever made him feel good at any particular instant. It was never about you, even though he says it was. It was always about him, getting what he wanted... now! In the end, that meant losing you, but really, he lost himself.
Smile and wave, BobbiJo. Smile and wave.
Dust your shoulders off, brush it off, and keep on walking.
Try not to think about it.
So I figured I would write it down here instead of saying anything out loud...
Please pledge that you WILL NOT mention the bimbo bag in any future conversation...
I, BobbiJo, promise to do my best to detach from Dan's personal life. To do my duty to god and my country. To help other people. And to get up and continue to move on with my life.
Hon I know it hurts but to focus on it just causes you to stay in pain and stuck. It is done. Please let go. You will feel so much better when you throw that darn rope as far away as possible.
I like Kerry's pledge. You might just want to add:
"And to get up and continue to move on (and improve) my own life"
Hugs,
kat
Thanks guys. I am already feeling better. I tend to bounce back a lot faster these days. I do think it was the idea of feeling replaced, I mean other than her standing there it was the next most concrete way of saying, Look, here's my name, here's my stuff, in the middle of his house, where your kids live half the time.
I think I am a lot better at dealing than I used to be. I still want to be able to come here and vent sometimes. Because, I don't want to say anything to Dan when I feel like that, of course. That needed to stop long ago. And I can't talk to my friends or family about it, I am just done with that. So, you guys are the last place other than my IC where I can just let things out...thanks for listening.
Back at home now, Nathan is resting on the couch playing a computer game. In 10 minutes we are both going to go rest for 45 minutes before we pick up Sydney from preschool.
That Stephanie sure is a piece of sh!t!!! She accidentally left her bad there. Yeah right...
Still, move on sweets, he is so f@cked up...
K
Excuse my "movie language"
No worries K. I whole-heartedly believe she is a piece of sh!t.
My oh my - such words out of the minds of ladies!
LOL....I have many choice words for these disgusting women who get involved with M'd men....also men who get involved with M'd women...equal opportunity curses. LOL
On the bright side, those who get involved with married men or women will undoubtedly be their next victims. We at least weren't that stupid!
Btw forgot to say it but good to hear from you, Mike! Now that you are a happily married man we see less of you, but that is a good thing I'm sure.
Ahhh that's all right..I just do "drive by's" on here now and then....checking in a few of you...I'm trying to drag all your sorry asses off this board with me..but hell, you all just keep hanging on...
I still say you need to head Northwest...and look up raceboy...
BTW..have I told you lately that Dan is a dick??
Raceboy is not that far from me...I will have to look into that!
Yep Dan is definitely a d!ck, and she is a b!tch. So, I guess maybe the right two people wound up together after all?
Friday night and yes, a date would be fantastic...gotta work on that...
Well I had a date tonight--two kids, for pizza and a movie. Can't beat that, can ya?
Actually I got paged at 1:30...Nathan's fever back up. Still only 100.5 F, but enough he got the 'golden ticket' out of school, as the nurse said.
So nice that I am in his building so I could pick him up immediately and come home.
Sydney is the social butterfly of the neighborhood. She spent a couple hours playing with about a half dozen kids in our back yard while Nathan rested and watched TV. Her friends wanted to stay and play in her room while we ate dinner? um, sorry girls. Time to go home!
OK we are having our Friday night campout in the living room tradition. Gotta log off and join these sleeping kiddos on the floor. My back may never forgive me...
(((((BobbiJo)))))
A perfect night!
Absolutely perfect! What movie did you guys watch?
Sydney sounds like fun. The big thing I'll miss from this apartment complex is all of the girls D8's age. She's always running outside to see who there is to play with. There's few D11's age.
D11 will like the new house better. There are four girls all in her grade in a one block radius and with the pool next door, next summer is going to be fun.
D8? There are a couple of kids her age that she doesn't know well. I'm guessing I'll be picking up kids to bring over for her a lot next summer.
The dates will come. You've already had "The Kiss," now it's just one more step. You are way ahead of me. I'm still waiting on "The D."
Last night we had seven kids out on our playset. Good thing Dan built a big one!
And I got to keep it...
So I am having a little miscommunication/confusion, possibly ambivalence thing going on. Gee that was pretty vague wasn't it?!
So Golf Guy texted me yesterday. He is the one from the birthday party last April, and the Luau a few weeks ago. My first REAL kiss in 2 years! As we had left things then, he said to let him know when I was free again and we could make plans to get together. I mentioned driving to Des Moines where he is, but he said he could come here. We texted a little (very little) last week just chit chat.
Well last night I am working on my son's class float for Homecoming. Very elaborate affair here...school out at 11 on Friday. Town shuts down at noon. Parade at 1:30 with about 3 floats per grade level K-6 and then floats for each grade 8-12. Also marching bands, business floats, class reunion floats, etc. Football game Friday night, the huge coronation ceremony Sat night to crown king and queen. They even have gift bearers/scroll bearers (kindergarten kids), pages (middle school kids), and attendants (high school kids from each grade). Like I said, big stuff. I kind of thought GG would come down for it since he is an alum, too.
Well instead he texts, "How about coming up here Friday night and staying for the Iowa State football game on Saturday night?"
I was taken aback because A)He said he would come back down here and B)That would be an overnight visit
When he comes here, he sleeps at his best friend's house, the guy who had the bday party. If I went up there, I do not have a best friend living in town to crash with! And I definitely do not want to give the impression that I am ready for a sleepover, because I am definitely not.
So I avoided replying while we worked on the float and went out to dinner with one of Nathan's friends and his parents. Was trying to figure out how to say, "Yes I would love to come visit for the day but do not want to sleep over."
So then, I get in the car and find this msg on my phone from GG:
"Oh, just remembered this wknd is Homecoming. No worries we can find another wknd" (See, if you are from here, you know it is a big deal...)
I ran it by my guy friend and he said he bet GG thought I wasn't interested since I hadn't replied? Wow I am really out of the loop on dating anymmore...
I replied back that I had some things to do Friday but could come up Saturday for the game. Then, feeling nervous for some reason, I asked if he caught the ISU blowout Saturday. He replied back right away that he had been there, he has season tickets. So we texted about ISU football for a bit. But, he did not reply to my saying I could come up Saturday. Was that too vague, to say "I
could come up Saturday?" Should I have said, "I
want to come up Saturday?"
So anyway after a few football related texts that was it. Then, I get in my car at lunch today to another text from him. "We will try another weekend, you have a lot going on cause of homecoming." I just replied, "I could still come up Saturday, but I am also free wknd X and wknd Y if you want to get together then instead."
Sheesh. Maybe I am not together enough to date yet! (Sigh) I just want to hang out with him again, laugh, talk, make out :), and that's it. Do I need to put it on a tshirt or not? Just not sure if guys assume that going out a few times = ready for nookie.
When making out, he (and little GG) will ask or use some fondling to compel you to round the bases. Simpy tell him that you are not ready for that.
Are you sure you want a long distance relationship?
Would it be the end of the world, if after a few drinks and making out, that you did end up in bed together for some innocent adult fun? It may be just what the doctor prescribes for you to move on more post D.
No, Kerry. I don't want a long-distance relationship.
I am not looking for an exclusive, serious relationship right now. I am just getting back in to the world of dating and I do not want to go from an 18 year relationship into another serious one. I want to laugh, have fun, and enjoy being in the company of a man who hasn't decided that I am the reason for all of the wrong in his life.
And I also know, because of my beliefs, that I don't want to sleep with anyone until I do feel that I have found the person I want to be serious with....
Maybe that is where the distance seems like an advantage to me, because we aren't likely to wind up spending all our free time together.
((((((BobbiJo)))))
I've got nothin'! But it's good reading!
OK, I have a little. Anything that involves staying over in the same town that far away is going to at the very least leave open the possibility of more than a kiss, for sure, no matter what your intentions. Keeping it to a day trip at least gives you a chance.
I think you need to be realistic about a difference between men and women. I can understand a 30+ year old woman being just fine with making out and not having any intention for sex. But when a middle aged guy is sucking face, his desire is to go further sometime soon. That is the main reason I stopped seeing the last lady - I wanted more besides just smooching, but her health problem was looking like there was no hope for my rounding the bases in the near or distant future.
Well, I guess I am screwed then. How ironic, screwed bc I don't want to screw?
I am just not into the whole
free love, just enjoy yourself thing. Sure that's fine for kissing and touching but when it comes to having sex, I have only done that with one person and he had to wait 2 1/2 years! Granted we were babies then (19)...I may not wait that long now, but I still won't do the casual sex thing. So, I may just have a series of first-and-second-dates.
Ok I wanted to report on some things I did this weekend. They are small but they are monumental to me.
First, when I was boxing things up to go to storage last year, there were several boxes of Dan work stuff. Like copy paper boxes. Disgustingly enough, there were dozens of envelopes in there (yes I looked, I was wanting to make sure I kept anything I might want!
) from porn vendors. All addressed to his work addresses over the years: Los Angeles, Kansas City, St. Louis, etc. Why he threw them in a box instead of putting them in the garbage I don't know. It was like junk mail stuff, flyers for DVDs and toys, mostly DVDs. He obv ordered things over the years using his work address so the mail would go there instead of home...
Anyway, in one box I found the phone packaging for his 'secret phone'. With the date on it, May 7, 2007. He told me back at the time that they had first slept together May 3-4, sometime in there. That's when it switched from an EA to a PA. Sadly, we had our daughter's first birthday party on May 5. Being cinco de Mayo, we had a group of friends/family over (Thankfully NOT ow) for grilled fajitas and margaritas. Now when I look at pics of Dan and I with Sydney and her cake, I know that he had just slept with someone else in the prior 48 hours. It was already over and I didn't know it yet...
Anyway, so that very Monday (5/7) he went and bought the secret phone. I don't know why but I took the box and the receipt for it home with me last year, and it has been in my garage ever since. Why? I guess it was proof, of what, I don't know. Of when it all really happened...
Anyway I took the packaging and the receipt and the bill out to the garbage on Saturday. Why did I want to look at it anymore...so out it went.
And then Sunday, during church, I prayed for Dan like I sometimes do. But I also prayed for OW. I didn't know what to pray for her, but I prayed I could feel some sort of compassion instead of hate and I prayed that both of them could find a way to become healthy and make positive choices for their lives. For me, just doing that was a lot.
Ok, got that off my chest!
(((((BobbiJo)))))
Well, that was big stuff for you. And not long ago it would have torn you up, so I see progress in detachment!
It is possible to have multiple dates, and even some rather good kissing without sex. Though I must admit that it took specific planning on both of our parts to avoid it. And it would not have been much longer.
I think the key is to actually talk about it, and not assume anything. It actually seems to work.
Oh, and want to hear something weird?? The kids and I went to the big livestock expo Saturday that we go to every year. As we walked the stalls we ran into the cute teacher I know from school who has cattle. Then we ran into Cattle Partner friend, he of the debacle I had last weekend over his cattle sale.
As mentioned before, he is somewhat of a mentor to Dan. Or at least he was, till Dan got mad that he was still friends with me! Anyway I talked with him and his wife, and his son. Then, his son took Nathan and Sydney to look at pigs. Partner asked me how I was doing, as he hadn't seen me since the D. I said I was doing ok most of the time, then I said something about kids being introduced to ow and how I didn't like it but I was dealing bc there really was no other option.
He says, "Oh, I didn't think that was going to happen for awhile, Dan told me he wouldn't do that." So I guess they have talked about it. Then he said, "I told him to leave her in the dust but I guess he didn't listen to me." Well, at least somebody thinks what he is doing is wrong!
I said, "Yeah, well he emailed me last fall that he was leaving her in the dust, but I guess he didn't." And the weird thing is, Doug said, "Yeah, I have that email. It was well written. But he is a bonehead for leaving you." So apparently Dan cc'd Partner on his breakup email?? Weird...
Anyway the kids and I went and watched his daughter compete and then we said goodbye to Partner and wife and left. Time to go home for a movie! Anyway as I left Partner said it was great to see that I looked so happy and awesome. Guess they were expecting me too look all distraught? Guess I have made progress.
Thanks for the compliment, Jeff! Every day I try to move a little bit forward. Some days I get farther than others!
I guess the mature thing to do is to discuss it. When did you talk about it with your golfing lady? I mean I don't want to be accused of being a tease, letting it get right to that point and then saying, "No, back off..." But I also don't want to be off-putting by saying, "Before we make out or anything, just know I don't want to have sex yet." Although that's funny bc it is EXACTLY what I did to Dan! In high school one night (he was in college then) he said, "Can we go drive somewhere? I feel weird standing there kissing you in front of your house." (HE would take me home, and we would kiss for a minute before I went inside.)
I said, "We can go somewhere but I am telling you right now I am not sleeping with you!" He laughed and said that wasn't what he was getting at, he just wanted to be alone with me...
I don't think I will use that approach going forward.
Heading out, have to work the JV football game tonight, then more float building.
Too bad you tossed the stuff. You could have mailed it to his work address. "Dear Ex, you forgot this stuff."
You pray for OW. Wow, you are a bigger person than me. I'm really struggling with my feelings for all of STBXW's enablers -- including motorcycle/friend/boyfriend/who knows guy.
Well, let me see....
I think we actually talked about it some over dinner on our second date. Let's get right out front that she was really easy to talk to! One of the things I like about her. Anyway, she said something about not wanting to rush into having sex, because once you did it was so much fun, we'd stop talking, and we should get to know each other first. Of course the kiss in the parking lot after dinner made me wonder if we were even going to make it through the evening!
I think it did make sense to bring it up early. Being older, and attracted, it made more sense to get it out in the open, rather than to try to guess what the other person's intentions and expectations were.
I don't think it would be bad to just say that you were just wanted to see how you guys got along without all the friends in tow and that of course you are not wanting to rush into anything. Honest but not spelling it out.
Good job with the boxes of cr@p!
kat
Anyway, in one box I found the phone packaging for his 'secret phone'. With the date on it, May 7, 2007. He told me back at the time that they had first slept together May 3-4, sometime in there. That's when it switched from an EA to a PA. Sadly, we had our daughter's first birthday party on May 5. Being cinco de Mayo, we had a group of friends/family over (Thankfully NOT ow) for grilled fajitas and margaritas. Now when I look at pics of Dan and I with Sydney and her cake, I know that he had just slept with someone else in the prior 48 hours. It was already over and I didn't know it yet...
The evening of my son's 7th birtday party is when I discovered that my wife was seeing other men and I got the bomb from a very drunk wife.
She has asked me to be at our son's 10th birthday party this coming Saturday. It will be at her and Ed's place in their barn (some sort of maze party). I am thinking of going. I could not do it the last 2 years, but it does not seem like a big deal now. It would be funny if I hired a hot 19 year old escort to go with me
Kerry, I don't think I'd be able to socialize with the X and OM in a million years!
And Bbj that realization to me would be very creepy.
Well FB, it didn't exactly give me warm and fuzzy feelings!
One day i am going to see xW and her new BF. I am going to have trouble not telling him he is an idiot. Us guys have to stick together!
"Would it be the end of the world, if after a few drinks and making out, that you did end up in bed together for some innocent adult fun? It may be just what the doctor prescribes for you to move on more post D."
This kind of casual "adult fun" was not too long ago considered "adultery" or otherwise improper. I guess values have eroded so much. I'd say be true to your good values because that will maintain your self esteem and also be a role model for the kids for whatever it turns out to be worth.
"Would it be the end of the world, if after a few drinks and making out, that you did end up in bed together for some innocent adult fun? It may be just what the doctor prescribes for you to move on more post D."
This kind of casual "adult fun" was not too long ago considered "adultery" or otherwise improper. I guess values have eroded so much. I'd say be true to your good values because that will maintain your self esteem and also be a role model for the kids for whatever it turns out to be worth.
Hmmm, I guess I am very different. Granted this IS a very personal issue and there is no wrong and right, I dont see how having sex with a person you like, is adultery and I certainly do not consider that having sex equals a marriage proposal and a life commitement. These beliefs did not hinder me from valueing and respecting my husband and M. And no matter how much I liked him, if sex wasnt good between us, I wouldnt have married him. Especially between adults, that know what they are doing and why, I think sex is a wonderful..."activity". It can have several meanings, wonderful ones between life partners, but it can also be wonderful sex with no "heavy" meanings.
My rule is, was and hopefully my kids will follow, always respect yourself, respect your body, never do something you would feel bad about later, in marriage or not.
fb2, I have heard of women saving "it" for their future H but in the meantime doing everything except the act, all alternatives ..., I find that hypocritic and worthless.
I also know that a simple kiss can be much more giving, meaningful or even sick and disgusting than what we think of sex.
But that is just me.
BBJ, you are a single, lovely, young, smart adult woman. You know best what is best for you.
K
I think there are still big differences between Europe and the US. Europe is much more open in regards to sex where, for the most part, the US is still pretty prim and proper. There is nothing wrong with you K. Just cultural differences.
kat
But BobbiJo isn't married, and neither is the guy we are talking about.
Goes back to my point about how much real core values have eroded! I think this is partly why we have so much infidelity and divorce.
Perhaps, though I have a feeling that there was just as much infidelity going on before those "core values" eroded. We will never know.
My point was that what was being talked about was not adultery, and for someone to suggest it was was out of line.
And we know there is nothing wrong with BobbiJo's core values!
Goes back to my point about how much real core values have eroded! I think this is partly why we have so much infidelity and divorce.
That's possible. However, there has been plenty of infidelity throughout history, it was just very hush hush and swept under the rug because D was difficult to obtain or in some cases impossible. Think of how many people lived lives of misery, disrespect, and exposure to God know's what because of the secretive atmosphere of the last centuries.
Yes, the US is very prim and proper in so many ways but think of who founded the country! PURITAINS! LOL. We still have the most bass ackward views toward sex I have seen. What was created as a natural, beautiful thing we manage to twist into being shameful. It really is sad.
I was raised Southern Baptist. I still am....doctrinally. I have much more progressive ideas about sex than the church teaches. Now, that could be because I was raised in Southern California, not Georgia where the church's 'rules' were pounded down people's throats with a vengence from the pulpit - I don't know. All I do know is that if we don't start being much more open and honest with our kids from an early (but appropriate) age then they are destined to be as stunted in their views of sexuality as so many of us have been.
Ok....off my soapbox now. I just know what kind of havoc the beliefs I was raised with caused with my own experiences as a teenager. I was convinced that due to one circumstance that I had no control over I was damaged beyond repair and deserved what I got. I would hate for any other girls (or boys) to have that same warped vision to get past as adults. It's nearly impossible!
My son has open dialog with myself and Gabe whenever he feels he needs to talk. Nothing is off the table and he knows it. I may not always be so comfortable with the discussion, but he would NEVER know that!
Wow, lots has happened since I left my thread!
Bottom line, I was not promiscuous before I married Dan--he was my first and has been my only sexual partner. So I do not intend to be promiscuous now that I am single again. It just doesn't align with who I am as a person. If others choose to go out and explore and enjoy themselves, that is their decision. I have made mine, and it feels right for me.
That being said, I would like some lighthearted laughs and kissing. I will just take things as they come, no need to stress about it. If a guy wants more than that, sooner than I do, then he is free to go look elsewhere....it's that simple.
Ok, back to work for me.
No arguments from me. One should be free to follow their own convictions or code in life.
I dont consider myself or my last girlfriend to be promiscuous. It did not seem to bother her that she had various sexual partners in her life and she was very religious.
I agree with you BBJ ...and when the time comes for me I will be looking for a guy who feels the same way about it that I do.
<<I will just take things as they come, no need to stress about it.>>
pardon the pun...nudge nudge, wink wink, know what i mean know what i mean....
I will wager that if and when the right guy comes along (one that does not make you vomit after kissing) and alcohol is involved and if he pushes the right buttons, your alignment (as a person) may be slightly altered. Anyhow, I am pulling for you as always. Now, I am pulling for you to have fun (however you define that)damn it!!!!
:-)
Oh trust me John, I am more than ready for fun!!! And who knows, you are right, I can't say what will happen until it happens. Nice to have a game plan but as we all know, plans can change... All I need is a worthy partner in crime.
I can't have a sexual relationship that's meaningless. I know it's weird coming from a guy but I've never had and never will. It's that line I won't cross unless that someone is special in my heart. Believe me sometimes I wish I could be more normal lol. I'm also not much into dating or 'sampling the buffet' as some of you put it. So clearly I'm doomed to find someone ever again lol
I can't have a sexual relationship that's meaningless. I know it's weird coming from a guy but I've never had and never will. It's that line I won't cross unless that someone is special in my heart. Believe me sometimes I wish I could be more normal lol. I'm also not much into dating or 'sampling the buffet' as some of you put it. So clearly I'm doomed to find someone ever again lol
OK IR, you are one of the guys I am looking for. Glad to know they exist! You will find someone again bc I think there are a lot of us women out there looking for someone who feels the same way we do...
I can't have a sexual relationship that's meaningless. I know it's weird coming from a guy but I've never had and never will. It's that line I won't cross unless that someone is special in my heart. Believe me sometimes I wish I could be more normal lol. I'm also not much into dating or 'sampling the buffet' as some of you put it. So clearly I'm doomed to find someone ever again lol
Same here. And good for you.
OK IR, you are one of the guys I am looking for. Glad to know they exist! You will find someone again bc I think there are a lot of us women out there looking for someone who feels the same way we do...
I agree, meaningless sex is bad. But sex because you like and are attracted to someone isnt meaningless, it's fun. It's a personal thing...
And Kat, in Europe, IMO, people arent hiding, pretending, that's the difference. And not about sex only. I remember when I visited US the first time, I got people looking down on me because I was smoking and the next minute, they offered me pot... (!!!). Huge shock for me!
I wouldnt go out bar hopping looking for sex, but I wouldnt say no, if the right guy didnt bring a ring along. It's a personal thing...
K
Dating doesn't mean you have to have meaningless sex. R's would be far less complicated if two people actually took the proper time to *really* get to know one another before sex is added in the mix.
Sex is wonderful but it can also complicate things. I am of the opinion a post divorce R needs to have as few complications as possible. Some complications you can't control but sex isn't one of them.
It's all very personal and everybody is looking for something different. For me, I would never have sex before I was divorced. I would never have sex w/somebody who is not divorced.
But dating doesn't have to mean sex (to me anyhow). A few dates is nothing more than two people spending time to see if they want to get to know each other on a deeper level. Nothing more, nothing less.
Meaningless sex?????? What the hell is that??? Sex is like pizza...even when it isn't perfect, it's still pretty good... :-)
Seriously though, I have had meaningless sex with meaningfull people....i am sure everyone here has as well. It can't always be meaningfull, can it?
Anyhow, you date, no expectations, you have fun and don't do anything you are not comfortable with. Whether that be bunji jumping or having sex on your first date. Just relax and be "natural" be yourselves....it will all work out.....lol.
All this sex talk has got me thinking...
Exactly, John....
I agree sex can be meaningful even if it doesn't lead to a long term R. It's not to say the sex doesn't matter but it may or may not lead to anything and that is okay. I don't think anybody is suggesting anybody go out trolling for sex on a daily basis with multiple partners - sex doesn't always have to be some big thing though. The key is making sure BOTH people are on the same page.
Meaningless sex?????? What the hell is that??? Sex is like pizza...even when it isn't perfect, it's still pretty good... :-)
That means you never had your face up against the prison bars saying, "No, Bubba No!"
- unknown comedian
I remember when I visited US the first time, I got people looking down on me because I was smoking and the next minute, they offered me pot... (!!!). Huge shock for me!
Did you take them up on their offer?
What you experienced is this thing called political correctness. Its meaning changes over time.
Coach -
You win the belly laugh post of the day!
well coach....err Bubba, that would be pretty meaningless but also pretty painfull!!!!
it was more than a belly laugh coach.....cracked me up actually....look what we have done to BBJ's thread. We went from sex with one partner to homosexual (forced entry). Speaking of the back door....is that not still a crime in some States????
Sorry I completely disagree. To some giving yourself up to someone random (meaningless) is no big deal which is fine but to some it is. It's not the part of me that just anyone can have and experience. To me there's nothing more intimate than sex and I will reserve it for someone special. Long term R or not has nothing to do with it.
Honestly, if a woman told me she'd had random sexual partners just to have sex I won't respect her because in my mind she doesn't respect herself and she can't possibly respect me either. And she's immature who's not in control of herself. No one wants to be someone who's been ridden like an old bus route- sorry. Of course, this is just my personal view, I feel strongly about it but of course everyone is different.
Bottomline is when I meet someone special I want to know that I mean something to her too. And that she'd been waiting and anticipating me. Not going through guys until she found me. That's not special.
It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the--if he--if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no. And it would have been completely true.
That means you never had your face up against the prison bars saying, "No, Bubba No!"
OMG Coach!! I just sprayed water all over my computer screen through my nose. I choked so bad my co-workers were actually concerned. They finally realized I was laughing so they all groaned and turned around.
Thanks for the laugh!!!
Some of us are talking about two different things I think.
Nobody is suggesting millions of sexual partners just to find somebody good or pass the time until you (generally speaking) do find somebody good. Well, I am sure somebody may have suggested it but I don't think it was any of us.
There is not one person here that suggested anybody have random multiple partners just to have sex.
IMO it's a really slippery slope to judge what people may have done in the past. Nobody was born or put on this planet to serve one persons needs. People can change how they view sex or used to view sex or how they will view sex in the future. If you didn't believe that you wouldn't be here on this site as the entire premise of DB'ing is making changes.
It's funny so many of you take a strong stance about it but when it's posted that a one night stand happened or all the other casual stuff that is posted about dating/sex it's celebrated and giggled about and jokes are made. It's very interesting indeed.
How could anybody be waiting and anticipating somebody? How could anybody possibly know who they will meet in the future?
So what do all of you suggest we do until you find that "somebody special"? Hope they knock on our door and in the meantime explore nothing? Exploring a person does not have to mean sex and if it does, well, I'd imagine most of us have enough self respect not to just be screwing anything that walks for the sake of it.
I once read on this site that people want to date for validation. Does that make somebody less special because they are dating to fill a need? I can't even wrap my head around it but it has no bearing on a future R.
The base issue here is what we each are looking for. Some of us are looking for nothing - some are looking just to date and get to know people and some are looking for a serious and exclusive R. When one knows exactly what they are looking for it's very easy to define what is they want. People in their mid to late 30's and early 40's have had more than one sexual partner other than their spouse. Who is to decide which partners were meaningless and which were not? Certainly not an outsider!
Some of us are talking about two different things I think.
Nobody is suggesting millions of sexual partners just to find somebody good or pass the time until you (generally speaking) do find somebody good. Well, I am sure somebody may have suggested it but I don't think it was any of us.
There is not one person here that suggested anybody have random multiple partners just to have sex.
The idea of having sex with someone who doesn't mean anything suggested that which several people said was fine.
IMO it's a really slippery slope to judge what people may have done in the past.
I don't think anyone was judging anyone, we're simply sharing our opinions. My point was things aren't as black and white as people paint them to be.
Nobody was born or put on this planet to serve one persons needs. People can change how they view sex or used to view sex or how they will view sex in the future.
Nor should anyone serve anyone, we have choices including staying single. Yes, people can change but typically people try to change other's point of views by interjecting their own on them. Sometimes even passing them on as facts. Which is frustrating.
If you didn't believe that you wouldn't be here on this site as the entire premise of DB'ing is making changes.
I believe in becoming a better person not to change myself just to say I changed.
How could anybody be waiting and anticipating somebody? How could anybody possibly know who they will meet in the future?
So what do all of you suggest we do until you find that "somebody special"? Hope they knock on our door and in the meantime explore nothing?
Unless you intend to stay single, which is fine too, you know you will meet that someone special. So you wait and anticipate till you at least meet someone that has some resemblence to this person i.e. by not jumping in bed with whomever comes along as was being suggested in the earlier posts.
Exploring a person does not have to mean sex and if it does, well, I'd imagine most of us have enough self respect not to just be screwing anything that walks for the sake of it.
Exactly- now we're on the same page.
I once read on this site that people want to date for validation. Does that make somebody less special because they are dating to fill a need? I can't even wrap my head around it but it has no bearing on a future R.
I can kinda see that but casual innocent movie and dinner with someone is way different than getting bare and doing it then not feeling it meant anything more than a 20 mins of fun.
People in their mid to late 30's and early 40's have had more than one sexual partner other than their spouse. Who is to decide which partners were meaningless and which were not? Certainly not an outsider!
Most people yes, not all. You decide who were meaningful. If you're having sex just to have sex (as was being discussed) then obviously it's meaningless but if you had sex because you enjoyed the company of the person and it wasn't a one night romp then chances are it was meaningful.
[/quote]
Okay.
I guess I can't read very well because I did not take this discussion to mean it was all about sex with nothing else at stake. Clearly my reading and comprehension skills needs some work.
I think many of us have made it clear we aren't talking about a one night romp. And the problem then becomes some people can't just enjoy what it is and always want more even if the "what it is" *is* meaningful. So perhaps it is best to seek out partners that are 110% on the same page since "meaningful" has many definitions by circumstance alone. IMO that is like saying I would never sleep with anybody that had more than 2 partners. But what if the love of my life came along and he had FOUR partners in his past? Do I stick to my magic number or what?
I can think of three meaningful things that happened to me today but I bet if I posted them nobody would think they are *that* meaningful... everybody has different ideas of what or why is meaningful.
I believe it was NewMama who said she was dating for validation. People date to serve different purposes. To me that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard but to her it wasn't. So as you said, it's all about personal preference. If I met a guy who told me he had dated for validation I would tell him to get lost. IMO that is needy and stupid. To somebody else it is what they need and may (or may not) have any bearing on one's future. So if you meet a woman who has slept around you can tell them to get lost because it is not your preference.
And I guess all the changing is subjective, no? If you (generally speaking) feel you are a better person then great. If I feel I am better person then great. The "greats" might be different for everybody but not any less meaningful.
I meet special people each day - it doesn't mean I would want to be in a R with them. So yes, I know I will always meet special people as most of us will since we are not recluses and most every person has some special quality. The 95 year old man down the street is very special but we won't be dating or sleeping together. Special doesn't always have to mean the same thing to each person.
Everybody can decide what is best for them. Period. And maybe 20 min. of sex is meaningful to somebody for their own personal reasons. It's not right for you, it doesn't make it wrong.
Yes it is all subjective. What's meaningful to one isn't necessarily meaningful to the other. However, if a woman told me she'd had 20 sexual partners in 2 years that doesn't work for me. Not to say it won't for someone else. We all hold certain things near and dear to us, values, beliefs etc they don't have to match with everyone else's.
meet special people each day - it doesn't mean I would want to be in a R with them.
Exactly, nor will you sleep with all of them- well you could but you probably won't. So that was the whole point- for me: unless the person has a special place in my heart I'm not having sex with them. Period.
What a great exchange of ideas going on here! Good stuff.
*My bottom line is, I didn't sleep with anyone before Dan, which was easy bc we started dating when I was 16. I made him wait till I was 19, and he never pressured me before that.
*During college when we were broken up a couple of times I had a couple good makeout/fondle sessions, but drew the line at sex. Some would say that's not much of a line which is fine, it was just my own boundary for me
*During marriage I am one of those crazy kids like most of us here, who only had sex with my spouse. So, I see no reason to have a lot of sex now just because I can.
*However I also know the last time I was actively 'out and about' was in college. So much has changed since then for me and for the people I may date. I won't know for sure how I respond physically to someone until I have that attraction and desire for someone again. It will happen, some day. No sense over-thinking it.
"*However I also know the last time I was actively 'out and about' was in college. So much has changed since then for me and for the people I may date. I won't know for sure how I respond physically to someone until I have that attraction and desire for someone again. It will happen, some day. No sense over-thinking it. "
Great way to put it BobbiJo. Until you are in the situation, you can't say for sure how you'd react. If the attraction is there you may respond, even if you thought you wouldn't. I don't believe that sex is ever meaningless. There is always some reason for it....whether everyone else approves of the reason or not. I think the important thing is being true to yourself and maintaining your self-respect...which I believe can be done while having sex with someone you have no plans to marry!
I remember when I visited US the first time, I got people looking down on me because I was smoking and the next minute, they offered me pot... (!!!). Huge shock for me!
Did you take them up on their offer?
What you experienced is this thing called political correctness. Its meaning changes over time.
Well..., I didnt inhale!!! LOL! It wasnt my thing, I am not drinking, I am not into substances that may lead to...meaningless sex!! It was a huge shock though Kerry. We were tubbing down for hours Guadolopee (sp?) river with a little fridge tied to the tubes, I was smoking mentols and they were smoking pot. Tnat's when I realised, experiencing things is way different than hearing about them.
I am late to the convo due to time zone differences but I enjoyed reading all the comments. I agree with Citygirl. I have had more than x sexual partners (I am more a John's 210 kind of girl-LOL). And I enjoyed that period of my life. I dont feel my morals are twisted and I've been very loyal in my relationships. My first big love (the Texan guy) was very liberal about sex. I think he really had a one track mind. Granted I met him when I was still in school, his views affected my views. Coming from a very strict house, I balanced both influences and I am very happy with the result.
I wouldnt like someone asking me how many partners I had, especially in the begining of the dating. And I am pretty sure if that person fell in love me, he wouldnt judge me by that. If he did, he wouldnt be worth my time nor heart. Because judging is a way of living. And I am sure it would show in other areas as well...
K
Hey K...you are never late.
Now you have me wondering what a John210 kind of girl is!
I agree with you 100% on the judging issue <<And I am sure it would show in other areas as well>>
I guess we all judge in our own little ways, however, after going through the divorce and dbing and sharing on this iste etc., I find myself being much less judgemental in matters of the heart and I have taken that to other areas of my life. I am much more open or accepting of others and their beliefs....I guess that is also growing.
I have a buddy (my age) who smokes pot occasionally and has multiple sexual partners. Although that is not my thing, he remains one of the nicest people I know...
Haha you guys crack me up! let's link someone's preference to judging just to make him look stupid, nice! Let's say if you knew someone who had a few people burried in his backyard but he's the nicest person to you- you must agree with his lifestyle or else you'd be judging him?
I have no problems with someone being gay or bi or working in the porn industry etc but none of that works for me. I actually knew of a guy who was married to a well known porn star. He thought it was the coolest thing ever...good for him I said! just not for me. Edit: Actually I have no problems if the woman was a bi
And no where did I say anything about marrying or a long term relationship. All I said was *for me* the person must have a special place in my heart before I cross that line because I hold love making to be something *very* intimate- hell it doesn't get more intimate than sex with being naked and inside someone else.
So let's just say different people have different point of views and preferences. Let's hope we all find who we're looking for as opposed to trying to change one another's pov.
Well..., I didnt inhale!!! LOL! It wasnt my thing, I am not drinking, I am not into substances that may lead to...meaningless sex!! It was a huge shock though Kerry. We were tubbing down for hours Guadolopee (sp?) river with a little fridge tied to the tubes, I was smoking mentols and they were smoking pot. Tnat's when I realised, experiencing things is way different than hearing about them.
It is Guadalupe river. Was it this busy when you were tubbing?...
http://in-this-economy.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Guadalupe-River-Horseshoe-L.jpgI caught the strangest fish of my life in the Nueces river in Texas. It was an alligator gar...
http://lh4.ggpht.com/_lahW3d318Iw/SA1WtP22ojI/AAAAAAAAE1k/an3Kbck1mD4/P5270015.JPG
How long ago was this? You sure look different now
Strange fish indeed.
Romeo -
Do you have a porno name assigned yet?....
http://gangstaname.com/names/pornI am known in the industry as "Slick Maxim".
Gars are the ugliest fish I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with!
I have caught a gar on two separate occasions. They are definitely not pleasant!
Do you have a porno name assigned yet?....
On "Bob and Tom" this morning they used the rule:
First Name - name of first pet
Last Name - name of the street you grew up on
That makes mine "Finnegan Willoughby."
Just doesn't seem to work.
First Name - name of first pet
Last Name - name of the street you grew up on
That makes mine "Finnegan Willoughby."
Just doesn't seem to work.
Yeah, "Yogi Rosalee" doesn't work for me either. Bad rule.
Can I be "Hardy Longfellow" instead?
Wow! That makes me "Boo Boo Irving"
<<Haha you guys crack me up! let's link someone's preference to judging just to make him look stupid, nice! Let's say if you knew someone who had a few people burried in his backyard but he's the nicest person to you- you must agree with his lifestyle or else you'd be judging him?>>
Romeo, I am just having a little fun...I am not trying to make anyone look stupid (except myself). Please do not compare a murderer to someone who smokes pot or is more promiscuous than you like.
<<So let's just say different people have different point of views and preferences. Let's hope we all find who we're looking for as opposed to trying to change one another's pov.>>
Amen to that ..... however, I don't think anyone was trying to change anyone else's pov.
Hmmm...King Biscayne for me - not too shabby I think.
Rascal Bostic for me. It's kind a nice ring to it!
Tony Bittersweet... wouldn't be so bad if I were a man, I guess LOL
It was a 6-8 hours ride. Some places were really crowded, I dont think that much though... It was back in 1991, I was 20 yrs old. God it was freezing cold for me.
BTW, I think my porn last name was Onatop but I cant remember Kerry... (Bond girl always)
And I wasnt trying to change anyone's mind either about what they should be looking for or not. I was trying to point out though that judging people is not my taste.
K
I am Tara Hornball now... (I think)
Kerry, where do you FIND THESE THINGS?????????????????
It was a 6-8 hours ride. Some places were really crowded, I dont think that much though... It was back in 1991, I was 20 yrs old. God it was freezing cold for me.
Were there restrooms along the way?
Kalni - Do women know about shrinkage?...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cUNNKzj_Nc
I am Tara Hornball now...
Kalni for the win!!!
Thanks soleil, Kerry's system gave me that name...
Yes Kerry, we do know about shrinkage. I wish men would excuse...gravity
I believe when old Mikey did a thread on the subject, I was Fonda Dixx.
Using the system it would be Peanut Butter Elm. Not a sexy name...
OK off to my counseling session. I had a rough conversation w/my mom yesterday, so hoping she can help me with that.
My mom is an uber-martyr, victim-mentality type. I love her, she is my mom. But she honestly wears me out. She has to worry about everything. I mean, I really think she is incapable of NOT worrying. If I say I am going to Omaha "At this hour? It's dark. In the rain? It's windy. With this traffic?" and on, and on, and on. Like when I told her I was taking the kids to Chicago for vacation: "I wouldn't fly alone with two kids. Is your hotel safe? Do you know what you are doing? You aren't going to go walking around by yourself are you?" (Gee, no, Mom, the pedophiles and other sex offenders will be keeping me company...)
In her mind, worry/concern=love. She still calls me asking "Where are you? What are you doing?" all the time. I mean, it's not like I am a spy and I can't reveal my whereabouts, but it just really isn't her business where I am all the time. If I get cranky about it she always replies, "Well I called your house and you weren't home. I just love you and worry about you."
Her biggest fall back line is, "Well I just love you kids too much I guess." Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh And when that doesn't let her 'win', she reverts to crying. So hard to deal with sometimes...
Ok off to counseling I go. Then home. Have to do a report on Bosnian food--its origins, food staples, ceremonial meals, etc. Kerry you are the Web Master, can you point me to a good website for that??
How does your father deal with your mother?
Bosnian cuisine...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bosnian_cuisineNow I am really hungry!
Why people in that region of the world all dont just have heart attacks by the age of 30 is a mystery.
Kerry-My dad works 12 hour days. Leaves home by seven, back at seven. My mom falls asleep by ten, my dad stays up till the wee hours. So basically I think he avoids her. Not ideal, but somehow they have stuck it out 42 years. Not the marriage I want, but hey not my problem. He is also a yeller with a short fuse and can be immature and borderline verbally abusive. Again, my IC says she is amazed I am as healthy as I am!
So, back to the reason behind all of these posts the past few days...GG had invited me up overnight for a football game (he has season tickets). However I didn't want to go overnight and it is also Homecoming here Friday night. He said we could get together another weekend since this is a busy weekend for me.
Well, tonight he texted asking if I had the kids this weekend. I said no. He said he will work on finding a way to come down and see me then....crazy guy! Who would give up football tickets?!?
Well, tonight he texted asking if I had the kids this weekend. I said no. He said he will work on finding a way to come down and see me then....crazy guy! Who would give up football tickets?!?
Hmmmm....If I had a choice between spending time with a lady my age who wants to suck face or Cyclone football vs Texas Tech, I would pay someone to have to go watch that game for me. It would be a whole different matter if I had Ducks vs Stanford Cardinal tickets.
What was that movie with Matt Damon and Robin Williams? Williams is the psychiatrist and he's telling Damon's character that he had tickets to Game 6 of the 1975 World Series -- the classic Carlton Fisk 12th inning homer game -- and he met his future wife at a bar and gave away the tickets so he could stay with her.
"I had to see about a girl," was how he put it.
I'd reschedule my schedule for church_35, FB_37 or church_31 ... and BobbiJo.
I agree with the guys. Someone else can watch the game!
You guys just made me blush and smile simultaneously.
But Kerry, you see for us Iowans, an Iowa State game is better than a Ducks game. However if I had St. Louis Cardinals tickets when they made the World Series, I would not give those up!
After some consideration, I would give the Ducks vs Cardinal tickets away. I dont think it would be fun to watch a slaughter in Autzen stadium. It is kind of sad really...all those people in the bay area have their hopes so very high right now following their big win over the Irish and will have them dashed this weekend.
While everyone remembers Carlton Fisk's homer in the 12th inning to force a game 7, lets not forget that the "BIG RED MACHINE" won game 7. I sure liked that "Reds" team of Bench, Rose, Morgan, Griffey Sr, Geronimo, Perez and Concepcion!
Too bad that Carl Yastrzemski never won a world series. His batting stance was the most unusual of all. But the same could be said for Ted Williams.
I liked the little arm twitch that Joe Morgan used to do right before the pitch.
The best hitter warm up stretch and stance in all of baseball has to go to Ichiro. And no one gets from home to first in a faster time. Dont even get me started on his laser beam arm. You could have a team of 9 Ichiro clones and they would lose to no one. The Mariners suck though.
But Kerry, you see for us Iowans, an Iowa State game is better than a Ducks game.
It seems that the Hawkeyes are the far better team for football. Which school is bigger?
Oregon State is bigger than U of O. But the U of O has the better football record. A few years back the Beavers won back to back national titles in baseball.
If my kids asked me to choose which one they went to...I would put Oregon State over U of O. Eugene is just too weird of a city whereas Corvallis has more of a country feel to it.
Well University of Iowa is the "Liberal" school in Iowa, whereas Iowa State is more of the Ag school. I prefer Iowa State although my sis is a Hawkeye/U of I Law School alum.
Ditto with U of O. Eugene is the Berkley or Madison of Oregon. XW (who was a Beaver) told me that she went to Eugene once with her college boyfriend before she met me. There was a hemp festival (she has never smoked pot) and she literally passed out from all the smoke in the hot air. Whereas, one of her biggest memories of her time at Oregon State was having to husk corn so as to get free meals.
FYI... The movie Animal House was filmed at the University of Oregon.
I think the Big Red Machine might have been the best offensive team of that era, and probably lots of other. It is kinda funny, everyone remembers Fisk's homer, no one remembers that the Reds won the series. And without a DH.
I'd tape the game.
Kerry did you purposely forget Big George Foster....
What a machine indeed...bet you can't name too many pitchers on that team without looking it up.
Wow, from sex to porn names to sports. My thread has a little of everything!
Had an unsettling dream last night. Dan was, for some reason, building a second house for himself. As in, he was the one doing the work to build it.
I can't remember how I found out or why but I went there to see him, maybe he asked me there, I can't remember. I said something about him needing a different house and he said that by May I wouldn't want to ever talk to him again. And I said, "Why, because you guys are having a baby now?"
And he said "Yes. We are." And I was eerily calm in my dream. I just said, "I figured that would happen. It doesn't mean anything. If having a baby meant commitment from you then you wouldn't be where you are now."
I am good with the dream up until there. Because it really is true. And I doubt I would be surprised if she wound up pregnant. Upset, yes, surprised, no.
But then, in the dream, I said, "You know we could still get back together. If your loyalty is with the one who has your children, I already have two. We can always get visitation with your new child." WTF? And then he said he could not believe how calm I was, and I said I was not really surprised, but that once I got home I was sure I would cry about it. And he tried to hug me then bc I was about to cry, but instead I turned around and walked out of the house.
**Although, at my IC yesterday we talked about the possibility of ow being pregnant. Or even the possibility that there was already a child out there...though that is less likely. Maybe that just put it in my brain.
Ugh. Ready for Friday!!!
Wow. BobbiJo, you remember all of that. I usually just remember small parts of my dreams.
Baseball fans. I lived in Cincy from 1977-1981. I saw the machine on the way down. I think it's ironic that the Reds were really good from 1990 to 1995 as I got out of college, met STBXW and got married.
Then they've stunk during almost all of my marriage. Now that we are not together again, voila, the Reds are back. I love baseball. If God said "you can get married again but the Reds will never have a winning season again." I'd have to say "can you give me a night to think about that."
Sorry, BobbiJo, about those Cardinals. They folded their tent faster than a WAS being discovered with an OP.
The brain is a funny thing. Somewhere deep down you are preparing for that possible OW moment.
Maybe we fear the worst, but it may not happen. Afterall he insisted she wasnt moving down, or moving in with him anytime soon for years, was that right? So she'd be mad to risk getting pg if they are stuck in a long distance R.
If a guy gave up english footy tickets for me, I would take that as a VERY good sign!
x
So little news, even with the shutdown of the boards...
*GolfGuy did not give up his football tickets. He texted Sat afternoon that he had just arrived to tailgate, wound up having to house/dog sit for his sister prior to that and could not make it down. I said no problem bc it really is no problem. I don't want serious, I just want light hearted. He texted a few times that night saying he was wishing he had come down, etc etc. Then called Sunday to chat.
*Friday night was an interesting mix. Went to the parade, then Dan took kids from there. So, I went to the pub in town (we only have 2!) where all the Homecoming crowd was. Stayed an hour or so and saw a ton of people from high school. Then went to the football game. Dan had texted me that Sydney wanted me to sit with them (I had told him I was going to be there.) So, I went and the four of us sat together for the first half of the football game. The kids love it when we do "family" stuff. Then they went home and my boot camp coach was texting me to come back to the bar.
They had a beer garden out back, I went and several people had been there since 3:00 (it was now ten) and were hammered. Amusing to watch being sober. I only had I think 4 drinks all night. Boot camp coach's hubby was abstaining as he is training for a bodybuilding competition, so he was our driver. About 4 or 5 of us bounced back and forth from the bar, to the bowling alley bar, to a private party set up in a shop on the town square. Lots of fun being with a group and laughing. Headed home around 1:45 a.m. Best part? Not having a hangover the next day. Glad I used my head.
*So anyway Friday night was fun (sorry got interrupted!)... Met a guy who was a freshman when I was a senior, I see him post to a bunch of my FB friends so I vaguely knew him. He lives in Austin, TX. I told him I want to retire there in Hill Country. He acted surprised and excited to hear I am single which was sweet since he was cute, but as he lives in TX nothing will come of that!
Then another guy stopped me to talk as I was leaving, he was 2 yrs below me in school. He 'friended' me the next day and instant messaged me Sunday night on FB. Harmless fun.
*I talked with bootcamp coach's hubby. He is a trainer and nutritionist. For $50/mo he will meet with me once a week, do weight and measurements, talk about food choices, write me up a daily meal plan of REAL food, and write up a grocery list to go with it so I make sure the fridge has all the right things. This is something I should be capable of on my own, but having someone meet with me each week makes me accountable. I am going to set it up starting next week. Sick of not having energy and eating crap...
*Dan keeps invading my dreams. Not sure how to stop it, maybe I should do some mental imagery before bed,thinking about something I want to dream about?? I would say I have a Dan dream 3 out of every 5 nights. Most are just sucky replays of me trying and him still messing around w/ow. Last night's was different in that I decided to move away and take a new job, he was crying and wanted to come with me, wanted to end it all w/ow and start over with me, etc etc. Those dreams suck almost worse than the ones where he is still being a jerk.
*Have a dr. appt tomorrow. Been having irregular bleeding again...GRR. (Sorry men for the TMI!) The exact same thing last year, I had to go in for an ultrasound. They found free fluid (?) which indicated a possible cyst. I am just annoyed bc it feels like I am living in a rerun. Dan dreams, repeat medical issues, blah, blah blah.
*This weekend will be interesting. My best friend from high school is marrying another woman on Saturday. Not sure how I feel about it but hey she was my best friend for a dozen years so I am going. Then have to rush home bc I have another wedding here, for my hairstylist/baby sitter. Hers is at a castle so that should be interesting. Funny there is a castle in the woods of the Loess Hills in southwest Iowa... The weddings are two hours apart with a one-hour drive time in between so I am hoping the first wedding only lasts 30 minutes! I told her ahead of time of the conflict. She told me no worries, just come early and talk to her before the ceremony....
Dreams are tough. I posted about one two or three weeks ago. I don't remember much other than we were talking about getting back together and we were sitting in the backseat of a car (who was driving?) and holding hands.
I woke up feeling really good. I really, really miss holding hands.
That will be a very interesting weekend. I didn't know Iowa allowed same-sex marriages.
"Nikki Lottatang" here.
Heh....
Oh my goodness...
So I mentioned former high school classmate who was a couple yrs younger than me flirting w/me at the bar...he looked familiar to me then, but I hadn't seen him since high school. And now he is bald/shaved head, so definitely a different look than high school.
He IMd me Sunday night. Then again tonight he is currently IM-ing me on FB. (Why did I remove the IM block last week??) Well through a couple comments he made, I figured out who he is, how he looks familiar...
He hit me up on Match last fall!! I remember his pic now....we texted a few times and he started asking way too many questions about what I liked sexually etc for never having met me, so I blocked him.
How embarrassing....how could I not realize who he was and now I have been chatting w/him so he thinks I want to be friends?? Ooops...
Seriously, I swear these things only happen to me. Now that I talked to him at the bar and have been nice on the IM, how do I say, "Hey just realized that you were that creeper, buh bye!"
Or do I just do the coward thing and block my IM again?
Sheesh....
And....he just asked me the last time I pleasured myself. OK creeper--just going to tell him I am not interested in having those conversations and then I am blocking him. gross.
I have heard it said we attract what we are....but I know I am not desperate, horny, and looking for a hookup!!?? Wtf...
It's not cowardly to block a boorish lout.
I swear to God, I have no idea why some men think that kind of sh!t turns us on.
Lame-@ss-social-skills-lacking douche bag!
Call me old-fashioned, call me a prude. I call me, ME!
And if I haven't seen you since high school, I don't think:
*What's your favorite position?
*What's your chest size, looked like 34B
*So do you pleasure yourself? Have you been intimate since your divorce?
Are acceptable comments, all of which he made on IM while I was typing here. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Gross.
What happened to getting to know a person, talking about sports, tv, news, whatever, getting to know each other vs having virtual sex? I can call a hotline for that (not that I would)...
OK, the nunnery is starting to look like a viable option. Wonder if they will let me take my kids with me??
(((((BobbiJo))))))
I think saying, "Never mind", and un-friending immediately might be a good plan! YUCK!
Point being, you don't have to explain yourself to him.
Just bummed bc very few men outside these boards are giving me any reason to be optimistic that the good guys are out there!
i think you did get to know him Bobbi. Sometimes it doesn't take very long.
I think they must be out there, BBJ, but I sure don't know where to tell you to find them.
I just don't get the creeper thing. How can a guy think that could be ok?
i think you did get to know him Bobbi. Sometimes it doesn't take very long.
That is almost profound, it is so true...
Seriously though, I do know that men have the most perverted thoughts.
It's just that most of them are smart enough to keep it to themselves so that we won't hate them.
Oh, and I'm not talking about the garden variety horndog stuff, I'm talking about some really nasty sh!t.
Some people have high class, some have low class and unfortunately some have no class.
Reminds me of this lifted truck I saw in a parking lot which had the fake men's *stuff* hanging off the bumper and a large sticker on the back window that read 'MILF hunter' - I wanted to ask him really? is that how you roll up at your mom's house?
Then another time STBXW came home upset saying people are so disgusting...apparently she saw some car on the road where someone had a *hand written* sign on the back window that said 'Show me your t!ts'. I mean really? are people really so desperate or do they think it's funny? or are there women out there that'll entertain people like this?
Perhaps I'm old fashioned too...
Some people have high class, some have low class and unfortunately some have no class.
Reminds me of this lifted truck I saw in a parking lot which had the fake men's *stuff* hanging off the bumper and a large sticker on the back window that read 'MILF hunter' - I wanted to ask him really? is that how you roll up at your mom's house?
Then another time STBXW came home upset saying people are so disgusting...apparently she saw some car on the road where someone had a *hand written* sign on the back window that said 'Show me your t!ts'. I mean really? are people really so desperate or do they think it's funny? or are there women out there that'll entertain people like this?
Perhaps I'm old fashioned too...
Nope. That is not being "old fashioned." It's called having a clue. I am constantly grossed out by stuff I see on peoples' cars, shirts, etc. And the thing with the men's balls hanging off the backside of trucks - completely tasteless and tacky.
Nasty!!! Good grief!
Did you unfriend him yet?
I remember when you were talking about this guy before. It was about the same time you had the meetup with the guy who made you vomit after kissing him. And there was another guy who wanted to show you a picture of his morning wood. And I remember that Dan had pictures of his pig dink on the camera. Maybe it is something in that Iowa water that causes men there to be so depraved. Just kidding...we have our share of perverts out here in the west - including the gay mayor of Portland who had sex with a 17 year old in the city hall restroom.
Small towns are nice, but they do have the disadvantage in that you have a higher likelyhood of running into someone you dont want to see.
Mish--yep, done with him. I don't get it...when I stopped communicating w/him last fall he asked what the problem was, and I said I was not interested in that type of conversation. Straight and to the point. So, don't try going down that road again, buddy!
Kerry--I don't know what the deal is...I almost think it is some sign that I should not be dating yet. Blah. However I know that there are good, decent men in the world. So all hope is not lost.
However I know that there are good, decent men in the world.
True- but we all live out west
Kidding of course! There are good people everywhere both men and women. They say you find people when you least expect them or when you aren't looking.
BJ, it's amazing how many wacko guys there seem to be out there. I used to hear about some real weirdos from a friend of mine who did on line dating. I don't know whether it's just the online thing makes it harder to guage people or whether there are just a lot of strange creatures running around single and free...or maybe both. Now, I'll tell you about a friend I had many years ago. He had this theory that one in ten women will say yes when you ask them out, so he'd get excited when one turned him down because every no meant that he was one closer to the woman who would say yes. He'd even ask out women he didn't want to go out with because he knew they'd say no and he'd be that much closer. So lets just say that nine out of every ten guys you date could be weirdos but then every weirdo brings you one closer to Mr. Right...I'm really trying to help you here...is it working?
And....he just asked me the last time I pleasured myself.
"When I looked in the mirror. Now get lost creep."
I'll tell you about a friend I had many years ago. He had this theory that one in ten women will say yes when you ask them ........
Or in creepos case, "Nine out of ten women will slap you but that one woman...."
When I used to date
a lot, this is kind of the numbers benchmark I used for measuring whether or not I was doing well:
1. 3 out of 10 women you ask out will say yes.
2. 1-2 out of 10 women who say yes to a date will really be into you.
3. 1-2 out of 10 women who are really into you will not have major emotional baggage or serious mental problems that come up by date 3 or 4.
So... if you ask 300 women out, 100 will say yes, 20 will be really into you at most, and one or two won't be so nuts (or be "users") that you figure out they are nuts by the 3rd date.
And you may have to go out on 100s of dates to find those one or two women who aren't nuts.
You have to learn to have fun with it despite the challenges that come up
Oh, and let them talk... so you know if they are nuts, users, etc.
The solution to dating 100s of women you may never date more than once is cheap first dates (cup of coffee, a trip to the zoo, etc).
Oh, and keep in mind there are only 365 days in the year, and you need to do things other than dating too, so keep first dates short
That's a problem for me. I don't know if I'd get through eight rejections to get to a yes. Although, if I count it up, I'm at three so far.
That's a problem for me. I don't know if I'd get through eight rejections to get to a yes. Although, if I count it up, I'm at three so far.
Hey, you're on your way! Wait until you find yourself messing with them by encouraging them to tell you their deepest secrets (yikes! You don't want to know what some women will tell you just yet). Women are amazingly interesting. Take the focus off yourself (you can do that when you are at home all alone) and make it all about them. Who are they? What are they hiding? Squirrels in the attic? Is their an animal under that librarian exterior?
So... if you ask 300 women out, 100 will say yes, 20 will be really into you at most, and one or two won't be so nuts (or be "users") that you figure out they are nuts by the 3rd date.
For some reason, being alone is looking much more attractive right now! I'm thinking hanging out at the malls and looking down women's tops as they go down the escalator might be a more practical alternative, especially in the summer months...not that I've ever done that, of course. Hey, CTH doesn't even have the energy for the above mentioned dating process and he's way younger than me. Y'know, maybe there's something to be said for arranged marriage!
If you don't mind "crazy", finding somebody who's really, really into you should be seriously easy. Say 15-30 different dates at most.
If you live by the rule "Never get serious about somebody crazier than you", it's just much harder.
If you don't mind "crazy", finding somebody who's really, really into you should be seriously easy. Say 15-30 different dates at most.
If you live by the rule "Never get serious about somebody crazier than you", it's just much harder.
I already married "crazy", that's why I'm here!
I forgot to add that these numbers are based on people in their mid 30s or older.
It could easily take many years to find a very, very good woman who is really into you, not crazier than you and not carrying a ton of emotional baggage. Chances are you will convince yourself somebody else is a fit and not put yourself through the numbers game
Dating 2-3 women at a time, making room for new "coffee dates", and so on, gets to be a grind in itself if you try to speed the process up
And then... it only takes a short time to screw everything up with this "ideal" woman, and it is easier to do that when you are used to dating 2-3 of them at a time
Boy, glad I got that off my chest.
So in other words, the mission field is probably a good idea?
Eww, yup no explanations necessary. De-friend!
(((BobbiJo)))
So in other words, the mission field is probably a good idea?
LOL. The important thing is that you live a good life
The rest will come along. If you make finding somebody else the focus of all of your energy, it's exhausting and every bit as frustrating as a bad marriage
Even dating... just try to enjoy yourself and don't focus on the outcome. If somebody very interesting comes along, that's another ball of wax altogether
I think the Big Red Machine might have been the best offensive team of that era, and probably lots of other. It is kinda funny, everyone remembers Fisk's homer, no one remembers that the Reds won the series. And without a DH.
I'd tape the game.
I do. Cincy went crazy. Even in the neighborhoods.
Not that I'm old enough. I've heard stories.
Pete Rose, JB, Joe Morgan, Dave Concepcion, Tony Perez.....
All pre-Marge.
Interesting day. Two weddings, two hours apart, with a one hour drive time in between. And yet I made it on time to both, with a quick Starbucks pit stop in between.
Then this evening ow and I both wound up being at mother-in-law's at the same time....funny I was the one welcomed inside for dinner and hanging out while she remained outside at a distance.
Long story but in the end Dan's dad was pissed at him for springing her on them unexpectedly, just showed up at the house with her. And then said she was a friend but didn't mention she was THE 'friend' of all our Kansas City mess...and never even brought her up to the house.
Oh well. I had been invited by MIL and SIL who was visiting from out of town. I went, head held high, enjoyed the hour or so we were there, and went home. Now I am cuddled up with my kids for a campout on the floor. So clearly I am the lucky one here.
Oh and I know, if this keeps up she will wind up in the house and included in all the family crap. I am not dumb. They won't lose their son over this....and when that happens, so be it. Not in my control.
EWWWW! That's worse than gross guy! At least the family acted honorably. They get points for it in my book.
Oh and I know, if this keeps up she will wind up in the house and included in all the family crap. I am not dumb. They won't lose their son over this....and when that happens, so be it. Not in my control.
Very wise thoughts BobbiJo. You do need to be passive in this. Step away from the drama that is Dan, ex-MIL/FIL and the skankster whose name shall not be mentioned.
Well I know this is somewhat of a "hot topic", as the ladies of the View would say...
However, I have given the in-law situation a lot of thought and here is my position...
I didn't do anything wrong. I loved their son with all my heart and was faithful to him, I fought for my marriage. They know that. FIL just told my mom at my uncle John's funeral that they were 'never losing me'. I don't believe I need to sever the relationship bc their son made poor choices.
His nieces, are my nieces. Niece 1 was only 6 weeks old when I started dating Dan. Now, she is a college freshman. We are facebook friends and I send her little gift cards now and then. Niece 2 is a high school freshman. I work our school's cross country and track meets in part so I can cheer her on--her school is in our athletic conference. I drive the hour to her school plays, because I love her and I want to support her.
My other 2 nieces are daughters of the SIL who was my high school locker partner. Our friendship began before I ever dated Dan. They are only 4 and 2, and they are Sydney's pals. We get together so our kids can play together when they are in town (they live 3 hrs from here).
As long as MIL invites me out, and it works with my schedule, I will go. I went in last night head held high because I had no reason not to. All I saw of ow was her back as she went running around behind the barn when I got out of my car...
Down the road if ow becomes ensconced in their lives, and is present at family functions, I will re-evaluate. I may choose not to come on those occasions but it doesn't mean I won't continue to see my nieces. I didn't get a divorce from them.
Today after church I met SIL 1 & 2, MIL/FIL, and nieces except the college one, at a local restaurant for lunch. It was a great time and I did not feel the least bit awkward. Remember I have been around these guys for 18 years.
OK off that soapbox!! Heading out to mow, it is 84* again today. Massage appointment at 5--two nights of sleeping on the floor and I need it!
That is extremely icky BBJ! I wonder why she would go running around the side of the barn when you got there? Is she still ashamed of herself and trying to hide from it? How sad. You and Dan are D'd so he can do whatever he wants without judgement from you, correct? She's a cowardly skank IMO. How childish. She needs to woman up to what she contributed to the destruction of a family. Oh well.....she wasn't responsible for it, Dan was. If anyone should be running and hiding when you are there, it's Dan! LOL
Enjoy the massage! Can't you guys camp out in your room on your bed instead of on the floor????
BobbiJo - I think you are doing the right thing by keeping in touch with that side of the family. My XW will sometimes call my father, who lives close to her, if she needs him to take care of the kids. Where you do need to be passive is any discussion with them about Skankphanie and Dan.
All I saw of ow was her back as she went running around behind the barn when I got out of my car...
One could only hope that the skanster stepped into a big pile of cow sh!t in her haste to hide from you.
I recommend an air mattress for the floor campouts.
Wow, that massage was awesome. I will definitely choose the same guy next time. I typically tell them I will take whoever is open, because I usually call the same day I want the appointment.
He asked if I had any problem areas, I told him a little sciatic trouble this past week since I started working out again...other than that he did not talk for 30 minutes. Just the way I like it, I don't want to chit chat I want to relax! However it did not occur to me (duh) that needing my sciatic issue addressed = going a little lower on the lower back with the massage. Oh well, it's been awhile since a guy had his hands there and at least this one knew what he was doing!
Once I flipped over and he was doing my legs at the end of the time, he mentioned my calves were really tight. So then we did talk a bit but I didn't mind. I told him I was in an effort to lose twenty pounds (down two this week!), and he said, "Oh, you'll do it. You totally will." I know he has no clue what I will or won't do but the enouragement was nice!
Then I said the tight calves were from exercising again, I mentioned my plantar fasciitis, and he started talking about kinesiology tape. And he told me he used to do fitness/sports massage and taping, so if I wanted to get some kinesiology tape and bring it next time he would tape my feet and calves for me to help with the fasciitis.
Then he mentioned if I wanted a good new place to eat healthy food, there was a new restaurant opening up in a certain new business district in town. Then he mentioned he works in that plaza at a day spa during the week doing massage (a classier place, I go to Massage Envy which is cheapie massage!). Then he told me he works at the other spa on Wednesdays and Weds is ladies night at the new restaurant he mentioned, so I should go. Interesting...then he mentioned a second restaurant about to open up over there. That guy was chock full of info!
Anyway the massage was fabulous, I topped it off with a trip to borders for some new books for my preschool class. This week is "Scarecrow Week" and the next is going to be "Monsters Week" so I got some cute new books.
OK time to do some laundry and possibly watch Desperate Housewives. I have not been impressed with it this season though...
I had the full body massage in Thailand once. My wife (who was also getting a massage) asked me if I wanted a man or woman to do the massage. I had to pick the guy otherwise LK would have gotten a bit too excited. There is only so much bowling, fishing and football thoughts a guy can conjur up so as to stay "relaxed" during a massage.
We also did a foot massage together. My wife loved that stuff, but it was not something I feel comfortable doing. I have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing (ticklish).
Yeah, I could see that being a guy. However as a woman I have an advantage that nothing overtly shows when I am thoroughly enjoying my massage!
I have had a few different women give me a massage, and then a large gay man twice. He talked nonstop both times about the bath salts he made at home for his mom and the brunch places in town that were to die for...
This is the first time I had a cute, seemingly straight guy. Yay = me.
BBJ....explain this kinesiology tape. I've never heard of that.
Mish--I have heard of it before, our chiropractor in town uses it on athletes.
My massage therapist said he tapes the foot in a way that stretches the plantar fascii....you leave the tape in place for 3 days. He said for calf cramps he can also tape my lower legs...
They used that on my calf injury ... the physical therapist that is.
I have to know why Skankaphanie ran around the barn too? That is so weird. Did he not know you were coming out there?
Plus Kerry gets hands down the best namer award!
Ahh...gotcha. I just always have called it sports tape. I never thought about it's actual name! LOL
I've been sleeping in a night splint for a few weeks now and it's helping quite a bit. I'll stick with that since I have no idea how to use that tape properly.
I told him a little sciatic trouble this past week since I started working out again...
Check the heels of your shoes, do you over-pronate?
Read up on piriformis muscle stretches and sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Some good stretches on youtube. Strengthen your core and hip muscles. Exercise helps me get rid of the sciatic pain.
Thanks, Coach! I will look into those...
Man, I have to say, every time I think there is a bottom for him, he finds another one...
I am sure Dan was in a foul mood after the weekend. Stephanie did not get a warm reception from the family, and cattle buddy Doug texted me Saturday night late-"Met her today, you are way better. No comparison." So I suppose that didn't go as well as he thought, either...
Anyway I get a call from him as I am driving back from preschool to my other school today. Pissed off. Did I cash the alimony check yet? When did I cash it? Why did I wait a week? It is probably going to bounce, he is sure it is going to bounce, I should not wait a week to deposit them...
See, he banks by ATM receipt. If that says he has money, then he has money. So he must have went into the weekend whirlwind thinking he had more money than he did.
I said, "Well I haven't deposited the child support check bc it hasn't come from the courthouse yet." He says great but that doesn't help with the one I already deposited. I said sweetly, "Oh, I was unaware I was not supposed to deposit the checks you send me." He hung up on me.
Then a barrage of texts,
*I don't like women very much, period
*I hate living in a sh!t hole and working like a dog every minute
*Let alone think in a million years we are gonna get fixed
*To be nearly broke every day
*I know my kids hate it
*To think you could have just shut the f up and not b!tched about getting to stay home every day
*Pisses me off to the core
*The only "us" that exists is the one centered around "us" being the kids parents
So in other words, he is having a bad Monday. I actually feel kind of bad for him, but he made his bed, time to lie in it. Chickens come home to roost and all that...
I just replied "I agree the kids hate it this way and things seem miserable for you."
No replies...I read that if you agree with them they have nothing to fight about...
I just replied "I agree the kids hate it this way and things seem miserable for you."
No replies...I read that if you agree with them they have nothing to fight about...
Awesome!
Poor guy!
And somehow, it's still all your fault! Amazing, isn't it?
(((((BobbiJo))))))
The part that is surprising to me is, after he gives me alimony and child support, he still should have $4K a month, or more, for himself. He makes GOOD money. His house payment is only $650/mo because it is a fixer upper.
So clearly he has taken on a ton of debt in the past 18 months if he can't make it work on $4k/mo. I pay all the daycare bills, school fees, dance lessons, swim lessons, and medical bills for the kids. I just dropped $140 on school pictures for the two kids because I bought double packages so he would have pictures, and I would have pictures...
Technically I am supposed to hit him up for 50% of the medical bills, but I haven't. Imagine how much more incensed he would be if he knew he actually owed me more money...
(((((BobbiJo)))))
I know it "feels" like the right thing to do, but I don't think I would go for very long not having him pay what he is supposed to pay. Once he gets used to that, he isn't going to like it when something come up that you really need him to pay his part of. It's easier to be consistent with him, just as if he was a four year old!
What an a$$!!! And seriously, he sounds like he is loosing it. BUT, he isnt. He is playing the martyr card to lessen the impact of being a jerk and bringing her over to his parents. He "attacks" with misery so you wont "attcak him"... What a jerk!!!
And get him to give you what he must. Whatever you and thekids dont get, others do...
Same ole "I'm the victim" stuff.
You're a good person BBJ and it shows.
BBJ, I just hope he doesn't sprain his texting finger, that's all the poor man has left!
wii, you need to be carfeul making me laugh. I don't want to open anything on my cheek from laughing so hard!!
He is such a victim Bobbi Jo. You must be a whole lot meaner than you look.
kat
GAG!!!!!! What a pansy! Seriously.....he has so many issues that there is no where to start!
Love your response! I would have probably blasted him back which would probably have blown up in my face. Good job!
King Julian: Welcome giant pansies. Feel free to bask in my glow
King Julian: Where are you giants from?
Alex the lion: We're from New York
King Julian: All hail the New York Giants!
Sorry I had to.
Oh man, you guys are hilarious!
Very nice evening, Sydney had dance, then we went to see my parents and have dinner at their house. Played some games with the kids. Nathan spent the night, Sydney came home with me.
Only weird part? Sydney had called and left a vm telling Dan goodnight on our way home...got home and he had called here before that to say goodnight, said he'd be out loading corn at the farm and may not hear the phone.
So then he texts back about 20 min after Sydney called him, asking where Nathan was (I assume since he was not on the vm) and if Sydney was awake. I replied back no, Sydney asleep and Nathan at my parents'.
End of story, right?
However about fifteen minutes later he called. I answered and he just started chatting w/me about Nathan being at my parents, then chit chat about Sydney and dance and things. Wtf? He has not called after kids are in bed, to talk to me, in over a year that I can think of.
Well then he asked me to hold on for a second, and got back on a minute later (I don't care I was folding laundry anyway). He said he had to go he had to fix something I said ok bye. Cause he didn't seem to want anything anyway...
Then ten minutes later he called again...because he had such important information to cover?? Sure he did. Chatted about kids and school pictures and stuff. After a few minutes he paused and I just said, "Ok, sounds good. Have a good night." And got off the phone. Random.
OK time to watch my DVR-ed GLEE
and fold the rest of the laundry. For only 3 of us we sure seem to go through clothes!
Looking forward to tomorrow, I have my IC after school (I go every two weeks now) then church youth group, then work on a class project.
You handle this stuff better than I do. I would not have answered the telephone because if I have the kids and they are asleep it can't be something that couldn't be handled by email or text.
I just read that text exchange. Wow.
Well, it wasn't exactly an exchange. More of a purge of bile from him. I did not take it personally. He is mad at the world, but I am the most convenient target. I was not about to engage in that kind of crap.
I could have ignored the call. I was actually anticipating it would be him b!tching that I let Nathan sleep over on a school night...I wouldn't have cared if he was mad. He left the kids w/his mom Sunday night (well he took them home w/him and then she came in at 8 p.m.) so he could go out with cattle partner Charlie. I am guessing he blew some cash on "impress-people-dinners" over the weekend and that is part of why he is strapped...
Wow. Think I figured out what to talk about with my IC today....how it was that I allowed him/allowed myself to have a chatty convo 24 hours after he was (once again) a total ass to me.
Initially I was thinking it just shows I am finally able to detach. I honestly felt like I was watching our situation from the outside this week...I didn't let it bother me that he had such a tantrum yesterday. I bounced back from his bringing her up here over the weekend in a matter of a couple of hours, not days. So I thought that was progress.
Now I wonder if it just means there is something wrong with me?
I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with you. I tend to do the same thing with my STBXW. She can be a really a** sometimes and then the next day is all nice like nothing ever happened. I could take the approach of blowing her off and not responding to her because she was such an a** but that would only cause her to lash out more frequently and keep the drama going. Instead I let her "crap" roll off my back like a duck and try to not let it affect me. Of course maybe there's something wrong with me too! :-)
BA
Thanks for the feedback! Glad to know it isn't just me. This goes back, forever really. I can remember when we were married in "good" times, and he would do some little thing that irritated me. A couple hours later we would be in the car (road trips were a favorite thing, esp Sunday afternoon drives)...we would be chatting and I would think, "Hey, I was going to be mad at you!"
And yet, I would already be 'over' it.
I just wasn't sure if getting over things so quickly is a good thing or not. I mean no, I don't want to hold grudges, but I have always had the attention span of a gnat when it comes to being mad at people. So I guess it is ok if I just let it go. I figure, why waste my time being angry?
Hey BBJ,
Just curious, how do you feel when he contacts you? I mean honestly, do you get the warm fuzzies....do you still think that deep down he still loves you? Is that what you are hoping for?
I ask because you always seem to answer his calls or texts even when the kids are with you....do you ever let it go to voicemail or even shut off your phone. it sounds like you may need a rest from that cell phone...he sure affects you regardless of what he says or writes.
John, that's part of the reason I avoid those calls. I remember last year when we'd have those conversations and they were like sooo many we had when we were together ... and I'd start thinking 'why can't it work again.'
It seems words on a screen or on a phone doesn't have that affect for me.
BBJ, your ability to not stay mad at people is a true gift. I remember reading once that a key problem in many marriages is that one spouse or both spouses "keep score." They remember every little thing someone did wrong, file it away, let it build and then hammer the spouse with it.
I kept score in some ways and not in others. STBXW religiously kept score. At our one marriage counseling session, she mentioned something that made her mad on our fifth date.
Really? I can't remember what our fifth date was. I remember the first two and the first time we were together, but STBXW is like her mom -- an elephant who never forgets.
Hey BBJ,
Just curious, how do you feel when he contacts you? I mean honestly, do you get the warm fuzzies....do you still think that deep down he still loves you? Is that what you are hoping for?
I ask because you always seem to answer his calls or texts even when the kids are with you....do you ever let it go to voicemail or even shut off your phone. it sounds like you may need a rest from that cell phone...he sure affects you regardless of what he says or writes.
Good question John...I need to really think about how it affects my emotions. The weird part is sometimes it really hurts (he texted me Sat while I was at wedding #2 to tell me Stephanie was at the farm with him...why??). Then sometimes, not at all. Like the 11 texts on Monday. I just sort of shook my head at his delusions of reality...
I do let them go to vm if I am at work, working out, in the yard, etc. But you are right, if I am 'available' and he calls, I pretty much always answer.
We shall see what my IC thinks about this. She already suggested I not contact him unless it is serious/urgent or kid related. Which is fine. However that does not address what to do if HE is the one contacting ME...
You say "please only contact me when there is something urgent, I'm quite busy and don't always have time to reply nor do I feel right about not doing so, so please respect my request. I will do the same for you" ...just thinking out loud! By multi texting over and over to you he is not respecting your space or your status, it's almost like he's keeping his turf staked. How do you keep someone out of your head when they are texting you continually often for no real reason? He's making it difficult for you to move on.
I had to do this recently^^ it does work!
He's making it difficult for you to move on.
Yep, he's taking up time and energy (mental & emotional). Plus he doesn't respect you. Love yourself enougth to set a good healthy boundaries - where he stops and you start. Things will get worse when stress enters into the equation, if it isn't healthy now imagine big family events.
<<We shall see what my IC thinks about this. She already suggested I not contact him unless it is serious/urgent or kid related. Which is fine. However that does not address what to do if HE is the one contacting ME...>>
BBJ, I don't think you need an IC to tell you what to do....I agree with the folks above. But it does not really matter if YOU do not think that turning your phone off is the right thing to do. Come on, 11 texts in one day????? I wonder if any of those were urgent and I wonder how many of those 11 you actually answered. You can't continue to complain about his actions if you continue to (inadvertantly) fuel them. Actually you can continue to complain...I / we get a laugh out of some of his antics, however, how does all this stuff affect YOU BBJ? You should be able to answer thsoe questions all by yourself without an IC. If the answer is I "enjoy" the contact, than keep doing it. If it bothers you, put an end to it.
NGF did say I was black or white nothing in between...LOL...she may be right.
I think seeing the IC is a personal thing and that BobbiJo gets satisfaction from it.
It is similar to me seeing my golf intructor every other week or so. I always enjoy our hour together even though I have now realized that my destiny is not with the PGA tour. I look at it as kind of like getting minor repairs on my vehicle when it starts to run bad. And this human operating my golf clubs does get out of tune easily.
John, that's part of my problem. How I feel about it depends on the day!
I wish I was black and white but sometimes I think I am some weird spin-art picture, with black, white, and swirls of gray...
Sometimes I don't feel like dealing with him so I ignore the phone. But other times I just feel like ignoring him is back to game playing/plotting/strategizing, and I am just tired of all that! Granted, I do ignore my mom's phone calls some times and I am definitely not DB-ing her, so I suppose it isn't always game-playing to ignore phone calls.
The 11 texts were all his tirade about thinking his alimony check was going to bounce. They were all spew. In response to all 11 I sent a single text, "Yes I agree you seem miserable and the kids hate that" or something like that. Agree and they go away, I have heard. And he did not send a single text after that.
You are right, I do not need the IC to tell me how I feel. the problem is I guess I am all over the place. Some days he can text something and I feel kicked in the gut. Other times he can send a nasty gram and I am amused, other times, unmoved. I suppose if it bothered me every time I would just ignore all his calls. But part of me has felt that being able to 'take it' shows progress, that I don't have to 'hide' from him.
I know I don't make sense. But I am being honest with you guys here...it's the one place I know I can be open.
And John, I do not get warm fuzzies from his messages. Saying I can go to hell or saying he hates women, those things do not feel me with any sense that we are just bound to reconcile...
However again if all cards are being placed on the table, so to speak, I recognize that there is a part of me who takes a small measure of satisfaction in him texting me, calling me, etc because it means that he still finds himself connected to me even as he is saying he has no connection. Yes, I know it is sad. And it is only a small part of me, a part that continues to shrink over time. But, like I said, I want to be honest with you guys and with myself.
Kerry, you are right, I really enjoy IC. I enjoyed MC too. I am weird that way I guess. I like talking things through. Problem with MC is, if you both aren't solution-focused and willing to look for the positives, it is bound to fail. With IC, I only have to be willing to do my part and the IC can guide me...no third party to have to navigate.
*****HIJACK ALERT****
BBJ, sorry to hijack and change the subject, but I think I just trumped your kissing = throw up Match.com guy...
Seriously, one Sunday evening a few weeks ago I was bored and lonely and made a profile. There was one very attractive man that I winked at, but by morning I had talked my self into deleting my profile, cuz I know I am not ready to be dating...
only when I logged on this guy had already sent me a message.
Long story short we have been chatting for a couple of weeks, but a few things have bothered me from the beginning... now I am convinced I snagged a real life Nigerian scam artist!
Doesn't it just figure the first interest I have shown a member of the opposite sex in 25 years and this is what I get
Long story short we have been chatting for a couple of weeks, but a few things have bothered me from the beginning... now I am convinced I snagged a real life Nigerian scam artist!
Lmao! Well at least now you know to drop him
hey bbj. i only ask the questions.....however.....
<<However again if all cards are being placed on the table, so to speak, I recognize that there is a part of me who takes a small measure of satisfaction in him texting me, calling me, etc because it means that he still finds himself connected to me even as he is saying he has no connection>>
This is what i thought.
furthermore,
<<I just feel like ignoring him is back to game playing/plotting/strategizing, and I am just tired of all that>>
I was not suggesting you ignore him for strategical purposes but rather to relax or as the kids say to chill.
Hey BBJ continue to be open....let it all hang out.....we will all try to guide in our own ways.....than you take what you want and the rest can .... go by the wayside.
Still pulling after all these years....
Oh and i have no problem with ics or golf lessons...
Hey Bobbi.. I am with John on this one and it kinda hurts me to see you still wanting that connection in some respects, but of course you would, you're only human right and Dan does still affect you.
I would say the reason he called to chit chat that night the kids were in bed was becuase he felt guilty for the angry text tirade AT you (which is in no way connected to you). But, you knew that, right? Its a no brainer. He cant say "I'm sorry" but he shows you in little ways. Its push, pull with Dan. And the reason you werent upset and hurt that time is because you know its not about you, but the fact that he turns to you to vent his misery, shows that he's still emotionally available to you and that gives you some feeling of satisfaction.
To be honest, reading between the lines here, I kinda think you saying in your text "the kids dont like it THIS way".. implies there is another way things could be, an alternative. Or could have been. Its like, theres always that subtle reminder of what DAN did to you all. Do you see that? I think guilt generally, is literally eating him alive. Remember Michelle always said guilt is the biggest no-no, that we had to minimise guilt.
You never did really follow the DB rules though hun! If you did what everyone said and set healthy boundaries and 'moved on' (even if you were acting AS IF you had moved on) and stopped being so emotionally available, you may have been surprised at how much he began to chase. But thats in the past and yet even now, after divorce, you continue to be 100% there for him. Letting the phone go to VM when you're at work doesnt really count, cos, you're at work hey.
But its totally normal that you still have mixed feelings and as Jon says, we're all here for you and carry on being honest with us. I was always honest on my thread and got a kicking for it sometimes to boot!
One thing I will say though, which my sister advised me (who successfully Dbed and pieced but later got divorced...) its ok whilst they are still emotionally available, no matter if distant, or if they are seeing someone else. But as soon as they are no longer emotionally available and properly let go of you and you dont have access to that chink in their armour anymore.. then you will really feel it and it will be horrendous if you are not prepared for that day. I just hope you can work through your own feelings before Dan gets his sh1t together/works things out with Stephanie and this constant texting/phoning/purging himself with you stops. And unless he was going to come back to you... that will happen eventually.
And if there are still things in your heart you need to say to him, I would do it soon, before that day comes.
Hugs, Al xxx
Thanks Ali!
No, there is nothing more I need to say to him....we have had plenty of conversations in the past. Anything else would just be repetition, so not going to do that!
I didn't mean that part about the kids the way you interpreted it....I just looked through the eleven texts he sent, found two kernels of truth (Dan is miserable; kids hate it when he is like that) and agreed with him: "Yep i agree, you sound miserable and the kids do hate this". He feels plenty of guilt himself he doesn't need me to generate it. And I also agree, his calling to 'chat' was most likely his way of leveling things out after being a jerk on Monday...
Just got home from a work conference, high school speech coach convention. Awesome time. Guy coach from our town went too, along with 3 other coaches from our district. We had a nice cocktail hour before the banquet, where I met a young female coach from a district in our southwest region. She asked if we wanted to go out after the banquet (she and guy coach already knew each other). So, the three of us went out after to a dive bar (we were in Ames, home to Iowa State, but avoided the college bar scene.)
It was a great time and she kept saying, "Why haven't we met before? You are awesome."
Granted she was drinking quite a bit but still it appears I have a new friend, which is always a good thing. She and my guy friend coach drank a lot more than I did, so I am sure they were less than thrilled getting up for breakfast this morning! We got in at two and had to get up at seven. Another five hour sleep night. On that note, I am headed to bed for a quick nap.
Oh, and golfguy/luau guy has been texting and calling. Crappy timing, I was in his area and he had flown to Florida for the florida state football game...
Hi Bobbyjo,
Your thread is very large. Please start a new one.
Thanks,
sg