Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: hoosiermama hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/25/10 02:38 PM
thanks to puppy for this chutzpah-filled thread title! Hopefully it will reflect a new attitude and more new beginnings.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/25/10 02:43 PM
wink

It's "you," Hoozh. Fits you well.

Puppy
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/25/10 03:27 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
wink

It's "you," Hoozh. Fits you well.

Puppy

I'm gonna take that as a compliment!
Posted By: Gardener Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/25/10 04:51 PM
hm,
Love the title. Good one, Pup.
Welcome to a new thread, new topic name, and a new chapter, I'm sure.
Peace,
Posted By: BeingMe Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/25/10 06:47 PM
Hulllloooo Hmama! Love the new title! Especially, the very affirmative "I AM". You sound strong and ready for whatever life is going to throw your way, good or bad (I hope more good than you could imagine).

Take care.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/25/10 08:57 PM
thanks!

I can't believe that last thread went on for just over a year!! wow--that was a looooong time ago.

so yes--new thread, new topic; left behind the "abducted by aliens" theme, because it really isn't at all about xH any more.
and I AM stronger. I truly hope life isn't going to throw me anything bad for right now--I really need a job, hope it's the one I've been talking about, hope it starts soon. it fits me a lot better than this extreme left-brain stuff I've tried to do lately. not as well as ministry, but they just don't make those kinds of positions for lay people needing to support a family--so I'll just find a way to work in some of those skills anyway. except funerals...wouldn't mind never doing another funeral!
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/26/10 01:56 PM
ugh. I hate waiting.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/26/10 02:23 PM
I have been following a long, as you have been inspiration to me. Just want to chime in that I love your new thread title too and am cheering you on! smile
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/26/10 02:35 PM
wow, rocked...that's very humbling. I cannot imagine how I've been an inspiration to anyone! most days it feels like I've just survived (and all you have to do for that is just not die!!), and I'm more than ready to actually start living again. But I keep getting in my own way more often than not.

thanks for the cheers! I'll take 'em!
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/26/10 02:45 PM
Did you do a follow up call? You know they have it but they don't need to know that you know. give them a call and show your interest.

kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/26/10 02:53 PM
oh, believe me--if I could find the woman's contact info I'd be calling or emailing or something. but this whole upgrading to a Trauma Center thing has been really on the down-low; can't find anything about it anywhere and can't come up with contact info.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/27/10 01:42 PM
feeling a little shaky today. a couple of years ago, almost to the day, I left my church job--again, not entirely by choice. that was entirely political, altho I allowed it to paralyze me after several years of dealing with being sabotaged (church people are just as dysfunctional and mean and self-serving as the general population, altho they appear to be "safer" because no one wants to believe it!) At that time, too, I was stepping off a ledge without a job to go to. had one within a week, and I certainly hope that happens again...but then again, I don't know.

just wrote this to a friend, thought I'd share it here...ok, here's the thing, because I feel "convicted" as the jargon goes. I may have self-sabotaged with this to some degree, if I'm brutally honest with myself. for the past couple of years I've felt like I have ADD--can't focus well, or for long. understandable at the time of the crisis, and maybe part of some PTSD...but I think my brain got used to it, as brains get used to depression, etc. becomes part of the wiring unless you figure out a work-around. and I haven't. and this job, and especially the completely self-directed "orientation" (ha--that's a stretch) required a lot of focus, since I had no background in this and am far more right-brained than research people tend to be. and I tried most of the time--but since the pieces didn't really come together until the past 6 weeks or so, it was perhaps too late. my "feedback" was simply that this "wasn't working" and was really vague. but perhaps if I had tried harder, been more able to focus, had some reference point to attach all the apparent unconnected details....

and I can blame it on D14's bad summer and my concern for her, or any number of other things like a really poor orientation. but some of the fault is my own. in retrospect, I honestly don't know what I could have done differently; I had said several times that I was trying but it was slower than I anticipated, and I kept getting feedback that it was fine, it would take awhile and I was doing okay--until I wasn't, and then just couldn't do anything right, got yelled at for being 3 minutes late because I was escorting a new family to a clinic, and it was suddenly all downhill.

oh, on that last piece--there must be something about my face. it's about a 3 block walk to my building, then another 5 minutes or so to my office; it's rare that someone doesn't stop and ask for directions. and I'll see them walk past several other people and look at me and walk directly over, sometimes crossing the street to do so. and this is a medical center, and my office is in a children's hospital--it's not like these folks don't have plenty of other things to worry about, you can't just give them terse instructions and move on. but she thought I was making excuses. yeah, she IS nuts. yeah, I found proof they've hired 2 people instead of just one so my instinct was correct. but....you know.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/27/10 10:42 PM
anyone care to offer a penance and absolution?
Posted By: kml Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/27/10 10:45 PM
Say three Hail Marys and go get your thyroid checked and get some hormone replacement!

Low estrogen and/or hypothyroidism can cause the symptoms you're describing.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/27/10 11:00 PM
lol!! only 3??? I think I got more than that for talking back to my mother years ago....

actually, just got my thyroid (and a bunch of other stuff) checked 2 weeks ago. everything's great, except I'm seriously anemic, for reasons that would indicate my hormones are still functioning quite well. yeah, still got plenty of estrogen--that was in the labs, too.
Posted By: Gardener Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/28/10 12:27 AM
hm,
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
actually, just got my thyroid (and a bunch of other stuff) checked 2 weeks ago. everything's great, except I'm seriously anemic, for reasons that would indicate my hormones are still functioning quite well. yeah, still got plenty of estrogen--that was in the labs, too.
Buy The UltraMind Solution by Mark Hyman or just look at it in a bookstore or library and take the simple quizzes in the front. They showed me which neurotransmitters I was deficient in (lab tests confirmed those quiz results exactly). Simple, inexpensive, OTC amino acids turned my depression and anxiety around and MD weaned me off AD meds. A godsend!

Peace,
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/28/10 12:47 AM
really?? wow! yeah, I'll look into that.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/28/10 06:42 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiUqqWOXPEs&feature=related

this song just came back to me...must've needed to hear it. my therapist first played it for me about...wow...20 years ago. for some people it might be ridiculous mush, for others it will resonate far more than you could imagine. just thought I'd share it with you all.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/29/10 03:23 PM
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing that... it resonated very deeply for me. (((hugs)))
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/29/10 04:13 PM
I'm glad. if it is helpful only for one person, it's well worth posting it.
Posted By: Gardener Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/29/10 11:56 PM
hm,
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I'm glad. if it is helpful only for one person, it's well worth posting it.
Made MY day, as you know.

Peace,
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 10:56 AM
from gardener's thread--I like this:
"I want someone to show up by accident and stay by choice."

...and that people DO show up.

when is this supposed to start happening? because I'm still hemorrhaging connections, relationships. fewer now than a year ago, fewer then than in the months post-bomb.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 12:55 PM
When hard times are in your life, it seems that you find out who your real friends are. On top of that my dad always said that you should be able to count your real friends on one hand. So far that has held true.

I have been bad about not forcing myself out there but I have my hands full with the kids and the house. I try to make sure I get out with a friend minimum of once every two weeks. Once things settle with school, I will get back to once a week.

Wouldn't it be easier for these friends to come to us? Sure but they have things going on in their own lives too. It is after all a two way street.

Any news on the job?

kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 04:10 PM
I'm afraid you're right! lost a best friend when ex#1 was stalking me--too scary. lost another best friend after I lost son #2--too much sadness. lost a couple of good friends over the past year--don't know why, exactly. yeah, I've reached out to them and they have stopped answering, even when I just say hi, Happy Birthday, stuff like that.

and getting out? did that with a group in June--it was a blast. have orchestrated trying a repeat...but so far unsuccessfully.

nothing yet on the job. these things move slowly!
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 04:16 PM
Do you ever go out by yourself to a movie, how to class or anything like that?

kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 04:19 PM
I have occasionally gone to a movie alone. but classes--they cost money, and I've been in a financial crisis for more than 2 years now. that in itself is very limiting.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 05:13 PM
I think classes at say Lowes or home depot are free. Nice thing for a Saturday morning and you learn something that is practical. Just a thought.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/30/10 07:00 PM
Michaels also has classes. I'm interested in the scrapbooking and art classes myself.

I am sorry about the friendships you have lost. Sometimes, the loss comes about because of your financial issues. They know you can't afford to go to lunch, or shopping, or whatever, so they end up feeling uncomfortable, or not knowing what to do, so they just leave. Horrible, I know, but who can account for human nature. I have a friend who is in a financial pit right now, so I never ask her out for coffee or anything that costs money, but I do ask her to go for walks with the dog, and we just talk. She's trying to get me to get back with H, but she's a new friend, and hasn't gone through all the other stuff my other friends have gone through with me. They all understand. I don't mind. It makes her feel good to be helping someone, even though I have told her it is doubtful that my feelings will change.

I hope and pray that you will find stronger friends ... those who will be true and faithful. You know, it doesn't even take much to be one. And more importantly, I pray for an awesome job for you. smile
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 08/31/10 09:36 PM
irony:
found out today that my (ex-)boss is transferring departments at the end of the month.
Posted By: Andabelle Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/02/10 02:57 PM
Dammit. Timing really is everything sometimes.

Praying you get the best job ever.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/02/10 04:32 PM
Originally Posted By: Andabelle
Dammit. Timing really is everything sometimes.

Praying you get the best job ever.



I am absolutely sure of it.

God will provide.

Puppy
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/03/10 01:46 AM
Thanks.

Not doing well being home by myself all day--lots of panic attacks today. I need to get out of the house; I also should get stuff done around here (painting, etc.) that I don't otherwise have time to do.

good news--D14 is approved for retesting for her LD!! She hasn't had any retesting since 4th grade, and a little bit has changed since then!! I've established a good relationship with the compliance monitor (whatever that is!) and the school psychologist, we've been able to communicate well, and I think things will go well. Last night was open house at her school and I got to meet her teachers--and they all told me what a great kid she is.

xH was a squirrel thruout--made damn sure he didn't sit anywhere near me at any point lest anyone would think we're "together" and was very anxious to leave when it was over while I was still talking with a teacher. D14 told me today he said he was antsy because he had to spend so much time around me. Now why would anyone tell their child that??? Guilt much?

She also passed her choir music theory test and is now essentially qualified to move up to an advanced choir--and this is a big deal for her. The choir director personally tutored her a few times. She came out to talk with me while D14 was taking the test, and told me how much fun she had with the tutoring, how hard D14 worked, how it's written all over her face when she gets a concept, and just what a great kid she is. She also mentioned that she had been concerned about D14's depression over the past year, but that she seems remarkably happier with the new school year. I love this woman!!! So I heard several times yesterday how wonderful my child is...how fabulous is that???
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/03/10 01:47 AM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: Andabelle
Dammit. Timing really is everything sometimes.

Praying you get the best job ever.



I am absolutely sure of it.

God will provide.

Puppy

thanks, pup. sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
Posted By: rockedworld Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/03/10 02:55 PM
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
So I heard several times yesterday how wonderful my child is...how fabulous is that???


smile smile smile FABULOUSLY fabulous! AND... a testimony to what a fabulous mom you are.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/03/10 06:24 PM
I am so glad your daughter is blossoming in school, and is getting so many compliments. I'm sure you must feel so pleased and relieved after the difficulties of the previous year. ((((Hmama))))
Posted By: Gardener Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/06/10 03:49 PM
hm,
Catching up after a couple of days.
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
... So I heard several times yesterday how wonderful my child is...how fabulous is that???
It doesn't get more fabulous than that!

And, panic attacks? I hate to think of you suffering such awful episodes alone.
Call someone!
I volunteer. smile

And to bring the discussion at Smiley's over here for a moment, I add another Anderson quote re: DSMIV candidacy:

"But abandonment grief is a syndome of its own. It is the way in which your fear and anger are turned against yourself that gives abandonment grief its particular character."

Peace,
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/06/10 04:30 PM
Rocked--thanks! yes, it is indeed fabulously fabulous!

BeingMe--yes, it is such a relief. I know that we're in a bit of a honeymoon phase, but I'll take that for now. At some point we will get to that "high school baseline" but I gotta believe it's a much better baseline than what we've had the past couple of years.

gardener--thank you. I truly appreciate the offer...but it's just never been in my nature (nor my experience) to make distress calls. nothing would make me feel more foolish.

yes, all of this crap does have the tendency to turn inward--which, in terms of inner child stuff, is one of the worst things that could happen.

I'm trying really hard not to succumb to the panic that's just below the surface most of the time; I need to distract myself with doing something productive because last week was NOT good. thinking of doing some painting and other projects in my house--that will accomplish many things, including nesting. I also need to begin searching websites again to see what new positions may have been added since early last week. kinda given up on personal growth stuff...in terms of Maslow and all, it's no wonder I'm not concentrating well on growth and healing because I'm forced to be focused more on survival issues at the moment.

tomorrow--potentially having coffee in the morning with a friend, then noon Mass and lunch with my priest-friend. just getting out of the house, and out of my head, will be helpful.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/06/10 04:57 PM
glad you are getting out of the house hm. You continue to be in my prayers.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/06/10 06:26 PM
Quote:
but it's just never been in my nature (nor my experience) to make distress calls. nothing would make me feel more foolish.

I bet you would gladly accept a distress call from a friend, though.

I am glad that you have something to do today. Me? Just got up from bed. Ugh! These meds really suck.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/11/10 02:47 AM
I have to share this! At tonite's homecoming football game, D14 (there to sing the National Anthem with the school choir) got asked by the band director to play cymbals with Pep Band for the rest of the season! And she's not even in band...freshmen have to choose band or choir. Inyerface, elementary music teacher!!! this'll be a stretch for my little introvert--but it'll be a good stretch, and her father the drummer can get her situated.

Last school year was just so incredibly awful--I'm so happy for her that things are going so well so far in high school!!!!

nothing new on jobs...this is just going to take awhile. gotta figure out options: borrowing from retirement funds or going on unemployment (which won't cover monthly expenses). My understanding is that you can borrow up to half of your retirement savings without penalty if you repay it in 5 years. any advice???
Posted By: kml Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/11/10 04:03 AM
Well, regardless, take the unemployment - this is what it's for.

AS for borrowing from your retirement - there are some tricks to this, but I can't remember what they are! I'd google around for more info.

Also - think creatively about ways to either increase your income or decrease your expenses. I highly recommend the book Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn.

You can't work AND collect unemployment, but perhaps you could get a room mate? Sell that unnecessary extra "stuff" on eBay?
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 03:53 PM
thanks, kml. no room for a roommate, really. selling stuff--already doing that. thinking about selling crafts on Etsy.com. got the whole Tightwad Gazette series!!
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 08:39 PM
my intuition is still good.

xH DID come back from his east coast jaunt engaged. no further info, and D14 isn't talking about it at all--but there's volumes in what she's not saying. she really needs to feel important to her father.
Posted By: Kalni Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 08:45 PM
Hope you feel.. indifferent about the engagement sweets...
xxx

I think kids need time to digest/adjust and then they open up.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 08:52 PM
At least this was the nice girlfriend. Hope she is smart and has a looonnnggg engagement. I can relate though. Ex is getting remarried next month.

hugs, kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 09:03 PM
thank you!

yes, I'm quite indifferent actually. I feel kinda sorry for her, but y'know, she's a therapist. she ought to be able to see the warning flags--although he's very good at putting a very positive face out there.

she's also independently wealthy; could explain why he's paid off a lot of bills lately (joint accounts, joint statements). now he can stop feeling inferior to his brothers in regard to money. they'll be quite...comfortable.

D14 didn't want either of us to remarry--but since xH really isn't capable of living independently (and is entitled to be taken care of) that wasn't realistic, and I've tried to prepare her.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 09:45 PM
Do you think she might be a good advocate for getting you the child support you deserve out of your ex? Not asking her but her realizing how unfair he has been.

I am sorry for your daughter that this isn't working out the way she had hoped. I think pretty much all kids of divorce at one time or another want their parents to get back together or at least not remarry so that is still an option.

hugs to you both, kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/13/10 09:49 PM
I'm sure that if she knew the whole story she'd be appalled; she seems like a decent person. she was all about thanking me for allowing her to be part of the "grace and healing" going on back in the spring. but she'll never get the whole story--and believe it, at least not any time soon.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/15/10 08:27 PM
once again,on the horns of a dilemma.

this evening D14 sat down in tears and just vented--I knew that was coming. she and xH are fighting again--I knew that was coming too. she's amazingly articulate in talking about her feelings...but he shuts her down, interrupts, demeans, and argues. and she does a darn good job of using appropriate language, considering her age: "when you -----, I feel ----." and of all people, he should know you don't argue with that statement or criticize feelings. heck, D14 knows that and she doesn't have any credentials....so one of the things they've been fighting about is his trip with gf, and how he didn't bother to tell D how long he'd be gone until the morning he left, and how D feels she comes in second to gf ("well, to any girlfriend he has, obviously, but at least this one makes sure I get some time alone with Dad....") and she's seriously stressed--to the point of tears--about the lack of communication between xH and me. he prefers to communicate with me through her, and for 2 years I've been telling him that that's inappropriate for about a million reasons. and he tells her that he's given me information that he hasn't, and then gets angry because I don't read his mind...and D's in the middle. and he has told her I'm demanding too much information (and all I'm asking for is to know when she's coming and going, and that he's going to be out of town for >10 days!) here's last night's email exchange:

me: "D broke down tonite and had a chat with me; the way we communicate is stressing her out. she was very clear that she does not want to be the go-between and wants us to communicate directly, because she feels like it's too much pressure on her and not something she should be doing. these are her words, not mine, and she initiated the conversation as she was headed to bed--not in response to anything I said." (yeah, defensive...but necessary explanation)

xH: "Great, I agree D should not be in the middle."

that's all. how incredibly frustrating. I'm talking not just to a brick wall, but one with a mirror attached that throws back everything I say without absorbing a bit of it.

I've suggested to D that she talk with the counselor at school. there are undoubtedly things that she doesn't feel comfortable talking with me about (or burdening me with, knowing her), and maybe that will help. we had the talk, once again, about calling me to come and pick her up...and I broadened it to any situation--friends, parties, whatever--and made a covenant out of it. this isn't as icky as the whole situation with OW, but I know they fight whenever she's with her dad, and she may just need to get away from it...because he won't give her space. he follows her into her room even tho she closes the door, and gets in her face. same thing he did with me when he was angry, often backing me literally into a corner. and for all his jargon and credentials and education--he knows exactly what he's doing when he provokes and controls like this. I'd bet anything he wouldn't do it in front of gf, tho...so I'm hoping this moves along for D's sake.

and I returned the email (above) this afternoon with the question: "so, would you please let me know when you're picking her up this afternoon?"

no answer.

Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/15/10 08:32 PM
You could say " I gather from your lack of response, you are not picking her up. If I do not hear from you by x o'clock we will have made other plans".

That just might nip his crud in the bud.

kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/15/10 08:45 PM
just got this:
"I work until 4:30."

he usually does; sometimes he has meetings or whatever, tho. but this is gonna end. if he chooses not to communicate, we will not be here when he comes to pick her up. I don't know why this is suddenly an issue for him. and honestly, if D was okay with arranging her own schedule, she might be old enough to do it--she'd confer with me. but the issue is that she isn't okay with it, and feels pressured and stuck in the middle. she's been clear about that, I've been clear about that, and he still chooses to persist. Just to have control and make the point that he has contempt for me.

what a bully.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/15/10 09:05 PM
What about getting a calendar and wrting in all the dates, times etc. You each have one. If anything changes obviously contact the other asap. Sounds like a plan at least. Do it month by month.

kat
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/15/10 09:16 PM
I've tried that. he refuses. once he said he was going to schedule a month in advance, but he never did. he basically, by default, this is what we always end up doing.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/16/10 08:37 AM
What a jacka$$! Sorry, I know he's the father of your daughter, but really ... what the dickens is he thinking. Obviously, nothing but himself. Perhaps, it's time to show your contempt for him, and show him what his type of communication feels like. Your D should just tell him that she will not pass on any messages, and if he doesn't communicate with you and things get muddled, then it's his problem. As long as this doesn't mess with your routine, of course.

Omigosh! It's bad enough dealing with one's family being broken, but then to have the WAS acting like a spoiled brat. Just too much. And, D is feeling it.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 02:54 PM
and so it continues....

xH has been on a roll, suddenly, about taxes. apparently he disregarded a notice from the IRS--which I never received--and now it's a crisis. because he never sent in our taxes, by the way. so he's all over the place making demands. and then yesterday he decides he wants his drums. Now. and is on his way, with gf and her car, to get them. so I clear a space for them to be hauled out of the spare bedroom, where they've taken up a corner for more than 2 years since he left. and he arrives, doesn't speak, doesn't look at me, and starts hauling them out like he's angry. so I went outside to talk with gf, as did D14, who was leaving with him to celebrate the Jewish holidays with gf and her family. as xH's toddler behavior escalated, D14 walked away and began pacing. I asked gf--"what's up with him??" and she said, "what do you mean?" lol!! "oh, the anxiety? I don't know." eventually as he was carrying things out (this is $2000 worth of drum set) he accused me of taking 2 cymbals and a box containing hardware. yeah, right. he hasn't seen these in over 2 years, didn't care about them when he moved out because that gf didn't like him being a drummer...and now he thinks he remembers all that he left behind? once everything was packed, he decides he wants his bike, which is buried in the garage. but gf pointed out there was no room to put it, and they could return with the bike rack. and they left without xH saying goodbye.

so now I know she's at least witnessed him at his childish best...and didn't seem to notice. I don't know what's going on with him, but he's exponentially more jerk-like in the past week. D14 says he's just uncomfortable with me. yeah, like I've done anything different. but it makes me...afraid. I don't know what to expect next.

yesterday was the 16th anniversary of the loss of our first son. his name was Dominic...no one else knows that name, knows about him, and that makes me sad.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 03:24 PM
unrelated post.

I'm very lonely this morning. it will be okay; it's a beautiful day, I have some interesting things to do. but I miss connection right now. it's not about whether or not I ever have it again, but right now I miss feeling connected to another person. I want someone to see something special in me, little things, good things that are worth noticing and celebrating. yes, I can do that for myself, but I want the intimacy of someone else finding those things. and even more than that, I want to do the same for someone else--their little gifts, the sweetness, the specialness, the things that perhaps no one else notices in each other. I want a love, or at least a connection, that is a shelter in the storm, that allows me--just for a moment--to hold and be held, to lean, to face pain with reinforcements and not alone. and I want that person not to leave, not to suddenly see only the bad parts of me (or to manufacture some that never before existed), to reach across the scars and the prickly times and say "this is worth working through" or even "let me help you with that."

is this unrealistic?
Posted By: Susan1Survivor Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 04:09 PM
Hi (((hossiermama))),

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely this morning.
Of course all of what you want and need is realistic. All of that is a basic human need.

I feel the same way. I'd even just like a HUG right now. It's a terrible feeling being so disconnected from our spouses.

Once we heal and we feel as if we are open enough for dating again, the right person will come along.But we'd better be more selective and careful this time. With my STBXH, all the red flags were there. I just refused to see them because I was caught up in the headiness of love/lust.
In my next R, I want a gentle, kind man-someone who loves animals and doesn't believe I am weak because I get emotional.

Continue working on yourself and you'll attract the right person when the time is right~

Take care smile
Posted By: Gardener Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 08:46 PM
hm,
Hi, I took a week or two off of the site. I'm so sorry for d14. How ironoc and admirable that she is so much more mature than her dad. Sorry about the tight, lean times; you know I can relate.
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I'm very lonely this morning. it will be okay; it's a beautiful day, I have some interesting things to do. but I miss connection right now. it's not about whether or not I ever have it again, but right now I miss feeling connected to another person. I want someone to see something special in me, little things, good things that are worth noticing and celebrating. yes, I can do that for myself, but I want the intimacy of someone else finding those things. and even more than that, I want to do the same for someone else--their little gifts, the sweetness, the specialness, the things that perhaps no one else notices in each other. I want a love, or at least a connection, that is a shelter in the storm, that allows me--just for a moment--to hold and be held, to lean, to face pain with reinforcements and not alone. and I want that person not to leave, not to suddenly see only the bad parts of me (or to manufacture some that never before existed), to reach across the scars and the prickly times and say "this is worth working through" or even "let me help you with that."
Painful. Touching.
Yet beautifully expressed! (Have you been inside my mind, lately? wink )

Best I can do is a Mary Chapin Carpenter (who else?) quote from her song, "We Traveled So Far," that I keep on my desk:

You with the blue in your eyes
The storms of life leave a few lines
Squinting, you search for the signs
Of kindness, of love, of someone
To walk with in rain or in sun
Until then, life's hardly begun

You traveled
You traveled so far
You traveled so far to be here
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
is this unrealistic?
God, no! The simplest, most basic of human needs: connection.

Peace,
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 08:50 PM
Thank you, Susan.

Sometimes posting really reinforces why I'm so lonely. I think posting here has served it's purpose, run it's course. I'm done. I'll still read other threads, but no further reason to post.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 09:38 PM
Hoozh,

I hope you'll keep posting. I think it's been good for you, which is why I suggested it to begin with. I know it doesn't feel like it today, tho.

Everything you want is fair. And realistic. I hope you'll keep searching for it.

Hugs,

Puppy
Posted By: Susan1Survivor Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/18/10 10:30 PM
As Puppy said, I do hope you keep posting.

I take breaks from reading and posting because sometimes I get sad reading the stories, but then I'll read something inspiring~

Hang in there.

Hugs~
Posted By: BeingMe Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 09/19/10 06:39 AM
Yes, please keep posting, Hmama. I don't post about my sitch much, but I do so now and then, and I do post on other threads. Somehow, I has helped me through so much.

Quote:
is this unrealistic?

No way is this unrealistic!!!! We all need that human connection, someone to recognize the true person we are, even if just a little.

Take care.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 01:30 AM
anyone here from...well, ages ago, and who remembers hoosiermama?
Posted By: kml Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 02:31 AM
I do. How have you been?
Posted By: figgeroni Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 03:49 AM
smile
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 03:19 PM
just wondered who might still be around. my story is less than encouraging so I won't share. hope all are well. DD graduates from high school next Friday.
Posted By: adinva Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 06:00 PM
Love your name, cracks me up! I am not from the old days; sorry you don't think your story is encouraging. I hope it gets better for you.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 06:03 PM
I remember you! How are you? Congrats on your daughters graduation! My second oldest graduates today! My how the time has flown by.

kat
Posted By: kml Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 07:14 PM
Aw, c'mon, share your story, that's why we're here. Did you ever get a new job ? What will d be doing after graduation? Where would you like to be in five years?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/17/14 09:41 PM
Hey there! I remember your story too but an update would be great. Maybe we can help come up with ideas.

My son graduates next Friday too! What is your D planning on doing?
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 04/23/15 11:26 PM
DD is finishing her freshman year at a local university, living in the dorm and still discerning a major. Beautiful inside and out, a wonderful young woman.
Finally seem to have found a stable job in the very unstable world of healthcare; have been here 2 years.
Not dating; one pseudo-relationship in the past 7 years since xh left. It never really took off, I believe he's now married to someone he often described as "just like <me>". No desire to have any further relationships.
Lost my faith, which has been disorienting, but survived and my life is more stable than it has been since the upheavals of 2008 (when I started out here). Life is quiet and rather cloistered, and it's ok. I've learned to enjoy my own company.
I believe that almost everyone I know from here and in real life whose marriages ended...has remarried. Never one to follow the crowd!
All the best, y'all, from the midwest. don't believe everything you read about hoosiers!
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 04/23/15 11:40 PM
btw--this place was companionship, caring, advice, support, and a shoulder to cry on during a very dark time. there were friends here I will never meet, but who were a real blessing. I have tremendous gratitude.
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 04/24/15 02:17 AM
So glad to hear an update. Hey I a not remarried so you are not alone. As my brilliant 16 year old tells me, " It is great that you put it out in the Universe, now go meet the Universe half way." Now that both the boys have moved out and I truly have every other weekend alone(this just started) maybe I will get out and about. smile

kat
Posted By: BeginningAgain Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 04/24/15 12:59 PM
Great to see an update from you. I also joined the site back in 2008 and remember your posts. I'm a former "hoosier" - I lived in Indiana for about 6 years back in the 80's. Loved living there.

I'm still unmarried as well - but that is in the process of changing. it took me several years to find a gem but I finally got lucky and have found a beautiful diamond of a woman. Expect to change my marital status sometime next spring/summer.

Best to you!

BA
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/25/16 01:58 AM
anybody still around from 2008?
Posted By: Cadet Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/25/16 04:59 AM
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
anybody still around from 2008?

How about 2009?

There are some others still around, although a few have changed their names.....
Posted By: BeginningAgain Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/25/16 06:04 AM
Yes I'm still around - joined in late 2008! How are you doing?

BA
Posted By: kat727 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/25/16 10:09 AM
Still here Hoosiermama, just not as often. How is everything?
Posted By: kml Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/25/16 02:41 PM
And way before!
Posted By: whatisis Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/25/16 08:11 PM
me too!
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/26/16 01:22 AM
I am a cautionary tale, I suppose. I'm weary after 8 years of survival mode. just turned 60; started over more times than I can count.
still a school nurse, now at the state school for the blind. DD is 20, just finished her sophomore year in college. she is doing so well. and that's what really matters.
glad to hear from some familiar posters!
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:03 AM
"Vulnerability is the essence of romance. Its the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, "This is me, and I'm interested enough in you to show you my flaws in the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am, but more important, for all that I am not."
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:05 AM
"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:06 AM
"In the beginning, people think vulnerability makes you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care."
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:10 AM
"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy--the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:14 AM
" Developing trust in a relationship os like putting marbles in a jar. Add a marble when you reveal something that makes you feel vulnerable. If that person betrays a trust...take a marble out. The strength of the relationship over time is judged by how many marbles are in the jar."
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:17 AM
"People who have a strong sense of love and belonging feel that they are worthy of it. They had the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others. They had connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they were to be who they want to be."
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 12:45 AM
I'm sharing these thoughts about strength and vulnerability (most are from Brene Brown) for those of you who, like me, feel gutted by the divorce/recovery process, or maybe by subsequent betrayals or failures or abandonments. "Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there."

that was me, post-divorce. gutted, broken open. I had disappeared inside a painful marriage, doing whatever it took to keep the family going. I lost myself. and when, after some time, I entered another relationship, I vowed to be myself, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to show up, to be known, to be imperfect...because at least I'd be authentic, I'd be ME. it was wonderful...until it wasn't. lost the marbles, had my trust betrayed, responded with vulnerability. I'd never done that before, and this time it felt I had no choice--once you're broken open, there you are. and it was the worst pain I'd ever known to be betrayed under the circumstances. shut myself down. pulled inside. isolated myself. kept failing at everything because I DIDN'T FEEL WORTHY OF ANYTHING GOOD. hated myself for my vulnerability, for risking and losing again.

But here's the thing. I'm just starting to understand that, while there are certainly some things I'd do differently (like having the guts and self-esteem to express my wants and needs), being vulnerable, real and authentic was the right thing. He was not, at least not after the first few months. I've been seeing it as my failure--but I didn't fail. I WAS rejected, and I WAS betrayed. But I put it out there, risked being known. But I tried...and I didn't try in my marriage. I shut down years before it ended. in retrospect, it wouldn't have made any difference, and as a narcissist my xH would have used that vulnerability against me. but this time I didn't lose myself. I was rejected, but I didn't reject myself. and somehow I'm beginning to see there's some strength in that.

I don't know that I will risk another relationship; I have had consistently bad experiences, chosen people poorly, and I'm just more interested in peace and healing and building a positive relationship with myself right now. I sure as hell won't do it until I feel I'm worthy of love and belonging...because I don't think I've ever really believed that. if any of this resonates with you, great. if not, indulge me the journaling as part of the recovery process.
Posted By: whatisis Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/08/16 06:04 AM
It sure does resonate! In my case, the last seven years of my marriage were a stressful hell. My W became more and more emotionally abusive...nothing I did was right. I ran my butt off trying to be a "better" husband, to change the things she complained about. I was going to save this marriage...but couldn't. As many of us know, once they are in another R nothing you do seems to matter anymore. DBing saved me, not my marriage. I left the marriage feeling that I could survive without it. In my next relationship I was determined not to let the same thing happen. So I did everything for her...she had a need, I was there! No one was going to accuse me of being neglectful again! Most of the time I wanted to be but there were times where I began to feel taken for granted and used...but I put no limits on my time or what I would do. Hey, she needed me! I ended up burning out and just couldn't do it anymore. She had difficult life situations and they were just ongoing and after 1.5 years I realized this was not just "situations" this was going to be my life. I addressed the issues with her but she couldn't seem to change so I ended it. My point is that in any new relationship I need to get a handle on this need to please...get a proper balance. The wounds from my marriage lived on in my next relationship. I was scared I'd fail and by not setting limits (and demanding respect for my time etc) I set up the failure. But we all live and learn...hopefully smile Right now, my life is good. I spend a great deal of time doing my photography, I have a great church life, enough friends and family, a job and don't actually know whether I even want to give a relationship another go. Who knows, time will tell.
Thanks for sharing your journey...it's good to hear from you smile
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/09/16 12:00 AM
hey, thanks whatisis! I appreciate your sharing.

I think it's a pretty common thing to overcompensate in subsequent relationships post-divorce. I kinda think they're exercises in learning about ourselves (in some pretty painful ways!) I was scared I'd fail, too, and so--of course--I did. I had no boundaries at all because I trusted too much, inappropriately, naively. this was someone I'd known since I was 25, felt I knew well, and respected. and I did a lot of fact-checking in public records early on, just to be sure. and so I trusted (and verified) and got blown out of the water anyway. to me, he was a godsend, a soulmate, someone I could share the healing with (his wife left him a month before my husband left me, altho we weren't in touch until about a year later). to him, I was convenient, a bandaid, a placeholder until someone better came along, altho I had no idea at the time. he found somebody "just like me" (but, apparently, better!) and planned to get married...but she broke it off, and somehow it was my fault...that's how nuts it got. (I think I was a scapegoat in a former life!) the marbles thing...yeah, I kept throwing marbles one by one in the jar, he kept taking them out by handfuls...and I couldn't keep up! that analogy makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm still putting my life back together 8 years post-divorce. enormous financial mess takes time to reverse, especially when I couldn't seem to keep a job (aging nurse in a rapidly changing, cannibalistic healthcare market with frequent mass layoffs). spent so much time and energy on survival I couldn't really work on healing. so I'm doing that now. I can't say my life is "good," but it is more stable. for now. I'm doing what I should to become less isolated with friendships. lost my faith completely (and when xH left, I was working fulltime in pastoral ministry, so that has been kinda disorienting), so trying to figure out what's left to believe in, and that's okay. and most of all, reviewing what worked and what didn't, so I can build upon the good stuff. hence the vulnerability reflection.

good to hear from you too.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/09/16 12:02 AM
dang, I knew I'd forget! whatisis--your "Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
resonates. one of my favorite quotes is so similar, from Therese of Lisieux--"Love is repaid by love alone."
Posted By: whatisis Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/10/16 08:22 AM
I'm on year 8 too...8 is a lucky number to the Chinese smile It's funny how when crisis comes up, some people cling to their faith and others just lose it. Life is cycles and we all go through periods where our beliefs are challenged and we have to come to terms with that, one way or another. I've found my faith to be an amazing oasis through this change in my life. My last relationship introduced me to a church denomination that has become a huge part of my life. I lost the girl but kept the faith smile I hope you too find your way to a place where you feel comfortable and at peace.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/10/16 08:46 AM
Hey Mama!

I am also on year 8..... I also went by a different screen name which included my D8's name......

I did not know you are a fellow nurse! I work in corporate finance as one now for healthcare system. My job is, um, boring, but it pays the bills and provides me with a great work life balance. I am back in school for my BSN to add to plate. I am scare I may never get back into bedside due to being out for so long. You might want to look into auditing, it's great for those want to slow down. I am the youngest nurse in my department. The rest are going to retire here.

Stable is good. I worked a lot on healing, acceptance of OWW, particularly in my D's life. Sometimes I am just surviving, others can be good.

No major R's for me, my last one was 6 months, but powerful in many ways. I also, overcompensate. My R's have been very much as you describe. I have been a placeholder, a place of comfort, and a Band-Aid for some. My last one, well, claims to still love me, does nothing about, and moved on to someone else in a blink of an eye.

Reviewing what worked and what didn't is the best course of action. It's silly to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, right?

I am taking a hiatus from self work. I'm going to just be exactly who I am for a while. even if that she is nutcase, lol.

it's nice to hear from you.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/12/16 04:53 AM
Whatisis: I tried desperately to cling to my faith. I think part of the problem was that the same week my xH left, I found out my ministry job was ending because of jealousy and sabotage by another staff member. Two very significant betrayals in one week; one cost me my marriage, the other my community. I have never been able to connect with another parish in which I felt safe/comfortable, nor another denomination that felt right. I did what I could--spiritual direction, reading, attempts to connect...just haven't been able to, and I don't see it happening now. It's been such an uphill battle otherwise financially and health-wise; I've had a couple of jobs that were outright hostile environments. It's been very difficult to reconcile the concept of a loving God with ongoing pain and isolation. It's hard to beg for bread and be given a stone repeatedly and keep believing in some kind of divine kindness. I've seen it in other people, and I kept thinking my day was coming too--if I kept doing all the right things--but it just seems absurd at this point. I needed it badly, needed the sense of belonging and connection, and chased it persistently. I just don't have the energy to keep chasing. It's ironic--for 7 years I did pastoral/health ministry and did my best to help people not fall into this position, did everything I could to support outreach and reconciliation with conscious intention. I have no doubt God exists. I just have no sense s/he is aware that I do.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/12/16 05:10 AM
Ginger: what was your previous screen name--if you feel comfortable sharing? Glad you're doing well.

Yes, nursing is really a tough world these days. In my area there have been lots of mass layoffs; 3 in 3 years for me. And it took 4 1/2 months for me to find this job--I sort of aged out, I suppose, and in spite of lots of openings for which I was very qualified, I had very few interviews. So I hope to be here for another 10 years before I retire. As you said, it's boring! But tolerable. And I've had my time with intense jobs, so boring is okay.

I've only had the one post-divorce relationship. Not looking for any others. I kind of got manipulated and spent much of the time confused about what was going on between us; didn't really have enough self-esteem to state my needs. Recurring pattern for me, and I have no intention of finding any others. Besides, health-wise, I had a weird autoimmune inflammatory thing going on that I'm still trying to resolve, that has left me with a significant facial deformity so...yeah, dating seems ridiculous. it will take awhile to get past the damage done in that relationship, on top of my marriage and divorce; best to just work on healing of all kinds now.
Posted By: whatisis Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/12/16 03:10 PM
yes, I remember your situation now! My Pastor once told me that most people don't leave church because of theology etc but usually it's because of other people. The church is a place we want to believe we are safe in but I guess the same broken people that are outside of it are also inside of it. It reminds me something I once read "the church isn't full of hypocrites...there's always room for one more!" I wish you well in your healing smile
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 06/13/16 09:07 AM
Hypocrisy is probably a significant piece of it. From the handful of folks on the staff who undermined and sabotaged me by withholding important information I needed to do my job, to my xH (now ordained, in spite of his denomination being aware of his serial infidelity), to my long-time friend-turned-romantic-interest who talked about godliness and grace but behaved like a frat boy and used me at my most broken and vulnerable...a lot of damage done. It sort of leaves you wondering what is real, and feeling creeped out when anyone is kind because you wonder what they want from you. I can accept others being broken--what I cannot accept is when they cause damage to others and are then lauded for their dedication and holiness and their victims are reviled. It takes away any safe place of sanctuary and comfort and results in isolation, which is further damaging.

While I am glad I was able to be authentic and vulnerable, I don't know that I will be able to do so in the future.
Posted By: theoden Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 07/01/16 07:48 AM
Hey Hoosiermama,

Just checked in. Nice to hear from you. I appreciate your journaling.

--Theoden
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/15/18 03:00 PM
Thanks.
Posted By: kml Re: hoosiermama? I AM!! - 05/15/18 04:10 PM
Hey - how've you been???
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