Hi everyone.
Am posting in this forum because it's time. Thanks to everyone who has helped me and offered advice... it has all been much appreciated.
I am trying to think this isn't a failure but something I need to do for me. H chose to cancel our MC w/o telling me & said I can't give him what he needs so it's time to let go.
Dropping the rope indefinitely.
I plan on seeing a L as soon as my finals end for the summer semester since I'm bogged down w/ studies and work right now.
H for some reason doesn't want me to involve a L or this to go to court which I can't understand since he has his own L who inititally sent me his petition for D.
Over & out.
Sol
School has been so hard for me. I can't seem to make myself read or study. I don't want to give up or make bad grades but I having such a time with it. Hope your school goes good for you and is doing better than mine.
Sol, sorry to see you here but sounds like you're at peace with it. You tried, you hung in there, you gave it your best and it's time to let go.
You're young and don't have kids so that's a good thing in these situations. You may want to read brenalim's thread here in this section since she too is in a similar sitch as you.
Best of luck to you through the process. I wonder maybe he doesn't want you to have a lawyer or go to court so it can be more 'painless' for him? Well, you need to do what is right for YOU and not what makes life easier for him. I had the opposite, mine wanted out, there was 'nothing I could do the spark was gone'...but he got no lawyer so I had to do it all.
Soleil,
I TOTALLY understand you.
Since you and I have a close timeline, I know early on we both had hope to save our Ms.
As time went on and learning so much from this site and about Relationships, we come to the realization that we may not be able to save our Ms.
I truely understand that DBing successfully means one of two things: Your able to save your M OR, and more importantly, you are able to save yourself and improve yourself for a healthy R when the time comes again.
It's like a diet. Diets only work when you make them a life style. The same goes for R. Changes we make must be life lasting.
I hope you are proud of the work you did. I'm sure some deserving man will appreciate you.
gr8
You know, it's funny, going through this "Surviving the Big D" forum the other day after I posted, I was surprised (and in a way humbled) about how many of you I used to see over at Newcomers along with me and reading your life stories, etc. and how so many of us are here now. It's funny. I never thought I'd be in this thread but well, here I am and it's ilke, I don't feel like I am dying. LOL.
School has been so hard for me. I can't seem to make myself read or study. I don't want to give up or make bad grades but I having such a time with it. Hope your school goes good for you and is doing better than mine.
School has had it's moments for me. The night H told me he'd had his greencard for months now and that he'd had sex with the random club chick was the night before one of my huge exams. I failed it. But the next day, I turned my phone off and re-took that test. I passed. Whew. Just focus. If you are down, tune it out. Dedicate a time for it and think about nothing else during that time. But I hear you!
You may want to read brenalim's thread here in this section since she too is in a similar sitch as you.
Thanks, Romeo. I did take a look at her thread and it's very similar. I think in a way I am at peace because it's like a calm has washed over me. I definitely have times where I want to and do cry but when I told him over the phone that this wasn't working it's like I couldn't even believe the words were coming out of my mouth. Like someone else was saying it. It was weird but good.
Well, you need to do what is right for YOU and not what makes life easier for him. .
That does sound frustrating about your H, wanting out and making you do all the dirty work. Grrr. Yeah I told H I will review everything cause now it's time to protect myself and then I will get back to him on it.
I TOTALLY understand you. I hope you are proud of the work you did. I'm sure some deserving man will appreciate you.
It is really nice to hear things like that, someone who can relate! All of us here! You guys have been such a great support system. As for other men, that's not even on my radar, maybe some day but not anywhere in the near future. I just can't imagine going on a date. After 7 years I think I would like to spend a long time by myself. I can't even remember what that felt like. On Sunday I went to a wedding with my date--my sister! LOL. And we had so much fun!
H called me last night and said he wanted to talk to me and how this is so hard b/c he knows we both love eachother, etc. but (words, words, words). I agreed with him completely and said, "I know and this is why it's time to move on."
It's so weird hearing myself say these words, guys! I never thought I could ever say that to him! It's kinda like a trippy experience! I kept asking God to give me a sign, something, over and over and over again on whether to stay or go. And on the phone that day with him last week when I said, "It's prob best that we go our separate ways" when it didn't feel like it was me saying it, but the words were just coming out of my mouth so calmly and effortlessly, I think that was the moment.
Crazy.
H apologized to me last night. He said he was SORRY (a word I've seldom ever heard escape his mouth) about one night when he got out of bed, came up to me in our living room (I was reading) and started screaming at me at the top of his lungs for no reason and told me he didn't love me, that he was going to find someone else to f--- , why was I reading, that I was so many bad things. This episode went on for at least 20 minutes. I went to put my hand on him and he told me not to touch him, to leave him alone. That killed my heart at the time. I missed work the next day.
I told him thank you for apologizing. That was two years ago. And I'm thinking, Why are you sorry now? But no matter, better late than never right?
It's weird, all of this but I have finally accepted this. And it feels relieving in a way.
said I can't give him what he needs
----------------------------------
honey, you are not separating fast enough, he sounds selfish and someone who doesn't have the spine to work on a M with all his heart, he only thinks of himself and his needs, he can go fly a kite, you don't need such a looser.
About the L, as if! he has no right to tell you what to do, you can get screwed up big time if you don't consult at least ONE time, I didnt' retain a L, our D was mutual to avoid court costs, but I still had 2 consultations, one to see that I was asking what I should've, and a last one to check all the paperwork. So forget him and get a L to review the terms of D, i'm glad I did, it saved me big time and my L brought up issues I hadn't even began to think about.
I have an appointment to see a L as soon as the semester ends. H wants to keep our original settlement agreement, (he gets the house, I get the furniture, both responsible for our own insurance and bills). I am honestly thinking of just signing over the house to him, and keeping that agreement because I dont want to have to contest everything. Honestly I don't even want the furniture or our bed. It's a reminder of him. You know? answerPlus I know if I contest anything he wrote, it is more $$$ I have to pay and I really don't want to. About 1.5 month ago he started going to get his teeth fixed at my dentists' with my dental insurance (cause he's still on it and not insured. Dentist called me yesterday re: one of his appts. I didn't even answer. It's weird but at the end of all of this, he ended up with everything: his greencard, our house (has his cousin living there too), etc. Maybe this is what he always wanted. I feel like I have nothing. He makes so much $ and never even wanted to have a bank account with me. I just start thinking about everything and it sucks. I do wish him well but it's like it's time to get out of the vaccuum, you know?
We went on vacation together about 2.5 weeks ago to the Caribbean. Spent our wedding anniversary there. On that morning I said, It's our anniversary (wedding) and he goes, Yeah, I guess it is. Later I asked him what he htought about everything and he said he "didn't know." I said I would miss sleeping with him and he said "We'll see." Huh? Okaaay. Anyway, when we got home, about a week later was when I told him that it's better we split. I can't stay like this.
It's a reminder of him. You know? About 1.5 month ago he started going to get his teeth fixed at my dentists' with my dental insurance (cause he's still on it and not insured). Dentist called me yesterday re: one of his appts. I didn't even answer.
This sucks.
Sol, my advice on the financials...fight for what's important to you. Do what is right for you. And don't be a martyr!
My story is the exact opposite in that dept. My STBXW never contributed towards our together savings etc. She filed when she was unemployed then took me to court to get max $ for temporary support. She's the one leaving but feels entitled to everything and it's going to be a fight all the way to the end.
The WAS's are just selfish and only think about themselves. So if the house is important to you then don't just let him have it, negotiate it! he can keep the house if he pays you $xyz amount. And you don't want his stinking furniture...you can buy your own with the $$ he'll pony up. Insurance and bills separtely are fine as long as there's no major debt which there probably isn't. Same for cars IMHO.
Think about it, take your time and definitely consult a L.
((hugs))
You know, it's funny, going through this "Surviving the Big D" forum the other day after I posted, I was surprised (and in a way humbled) about how many of you I used to see over at Newcomers along with me and reading your life stories, etc. and how so many of us are here now. It's funny. I never thought I'd be in this thread but well, here I am and it's ilke, I don't feel like I am dying. LOL.
My thoughts exactly. But it's nice that even though we here know our M wont work, we still come to posts our updates.
Many folks who don't save their Ms just fade away.
I think this is a great forum with so much knowledge.
I will continue to come here and try to help others who now walk where we came from.
(((soleil)))
I plan on seeing a L as soon as my finals end for the summer semester since I'm bogged down w/ studies and work right now.
H for some reason doesn't want me to involve a L or this to go to court which I can't understand since he has his own L who inititally sent me his petition for D.
Hi soleil. I advise you to do just as you said you would...see a lawyer ASAP. The only thing he's gonna understand right now is hard consequences. Protect yourself and lookout for your best interests, first and foremost. This is his choice, to bnust things up...so you're simply responding to his decisions based upon what is best for YOU!
Had a really awful weekend. I felt depressed mostly and all of this is just so SUCKY. I know I need to get myself together but the pain is really heavy sometimes. I didn't sleep last night very well and kept waking up. I took a nap yesterday and was jolted out of it thinking about this. Like a panic attack.
I have class after work today and still have 4 tests I need to take before class ends (on Wed) and mentally I feel dead.
Saw H over the weekend on the road, riding his motorcycle w/ his boys, laughing it up. I texted him "Did you ever love me. I don't feel it." And he texted back "I did and still do."
Sol, sorry you're going through this and I understand how hard it is. Someone you thought was forever your soulmate is now gone but from someone further along in the process I can tell you from my own experience that it gets better. In the past there were times I felt I couldn't breathe and my heart will burt out of my chest. I couldn't sleep for weeks, only cat naps. But I survived and while things are not perfect they're a lot better than they used to be. In fact, I remember other's giving me similar advice and I thought 'not me, I'll never get out of this rut' and I still feel that the wise words feel good for a moment but they don't stop the pain. However, for me just hearing them over and over again helps to start believe in them and slowly your brain starts thinking differently.
H called me last night and said he wanted to talk to me and how this is so hard b/c he knows we both love eachother, etc. but (words, words, words). I agreed with him completely and said, "I know and this is why it's time to move on."
I was told to find your thread. It does sound familiar to my sitch. You seem a little further along. How do you get there?
When my H tells me that he loves me and that I'm his best friend... I just want to shake him and ask him why he's letting me go. Why is he throwing away everything we've built together. He says he doesn't know, that he doesn't think he can, he loves me so much thats what makes all of this so confusing... but then he goes on a vacation with his girlfriend.
I want to crawl in a whole and disappear, or i'd like very much to find the peace that you seem to have. How do you do it?
However, for me just hearing them over and over again helps to start believe in them and slowly your brain starts thinking differently.
Thanks for those kind words. They went a long way yesterday when I was reading them before I felt like my head was going to explode. LOL. It is nice to hear some comforting things when the world seems like it's crashing all around you!
I want to crawl in a whole and disappear, or i'd like very much to find the peace that you seem to have. How do you do it?
Hi Brena,
I also found your thread and posted!
I am certainly no expert but I guess it's clear to me that I am the one who is waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen and it doesn't. This hurts more than anything but I can't keep like this, in limbo. Last night we spoke and he was saying how he can't be without me, how he wants me to be by his side, misses sleeping with me, that we don't get along, this, thath etc. That makes no f-cking sense! LOL. His words do not match his actions. He said, maybe after all this we'll see what happens/who knows what will happen and I told him people don't D to see if things get 'better.' They D to end their Ms. He says he keeps meaning to see his L but can't bring himself to do it. What?
I cannot, for me, stay like this. So as much as it pains me (and it's the worst pain-like a dagger in my heart), I have to let him go.
For what it's worth, there's confusion there and perhaps a chance he'll come out of the fog.
In my case, from the minute I moved out I believe she was dead set on a D. There was only one good conversation in the past 15 months where I sensed any chance for us and even in that one she was saying there's nothing left of the woman I married.
Sol/Brena, I forget who's H was the one that got the Green Card through you? and which one of you moved out first?
:: Raises hand :: My hub is the greencard one. Brena's is the one with the full-on affair.
I moved out first, Romeo. It was after a lot of fighting and about 1.5 month of him not speaking to to me. About a week before I moved, I came home from work one day and he was packing up boxes (about a week before I moved out). Ah yes. Ain't love grand?
OK that's what I thought.
His words do not match his actions.
Do you believe it when he says stuff about missing you etc? I mean I'm sure he loved you but right now? I hate to judge people but I can't help it...could he be saying all this to keep you confused so you can sign over the house to him? It seemed to me he was very interested in getting his house free and clear while you were stuck with the used furniture?
Changing gears...do you think he adopted sort of a DB attitude towards you when you guys were fighting and you moved out? like not pursuing you hoping you'll patch stuff up? I don't know enough details but I'm wondering if he thought letting you go would ultimately bring you back to him?
Changing gears again...you should think about the future though like if you plan to have kids, family etc do you see him as that person you can rely on and grow old with? If not, this is the time to end this. As harsh as it may sound I see so much positive in your and Brena's situation because you are both young and no kids yet!
((hugs))
PS. I liked your post in Brena's thread...you should cut and paste some of that advice for yourself too
For what it's worth, there's confusion there and perhaps a chance he'll come out of the fog.
In my case, from the minute I moved out I believe she was dead set on a D. There was only one good conversation in the past 15 months where I sensed any chance for us and even in that one she was saying there's nothing left of the woman I married.
Clinging, I def think he is confused because he makes conficting statements over and over. With that said, how long do I want to stay like this? It's not healthy. Why did you move out?
Soleil - thanks for the post on my thred. I'm trying... that's all I can say but I seem to be stuck in limbo too. The thing is, I left my family, friends, job, home to following him out of state for his job because he put a ring on my finger and promised me forever. Now, I do have friends here now, but for some reason, I don't think I should be the one to move out. The house is mostly mine and I did f@#% up our life. He's keeping the affair on the DL so he doesn't have friends to go to. When the house sells or I get a job back home where I'm from (I want to be near my family) then I'll be out of the house. I did ask him to move out last week so we'll see what happens when he gets back from his mini-vaca with the OW.
He's never mean to me. He's never said that any of this was my fault. in fact, he says that I'm wonderful and he doesn't deserve me. He loves me and all he wants for me is to be happy. As for his affair, I can have the proof in my hand waving it in his face and he'll deny that it's still happening. This makes me think that I'm crazy! I know... actions, not words.
As for you, I admire your strength to push through all this. I agree with you that getting a D is not the way to make things better. My H says that maybe we'll be together again in the future. Keep up the good work. Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction! I'll try to catch up!
Soleil - thanks for the post on my thred. I'm trying... that's all I can say but I seem to be stuck in limbo too. The thing is, I left my family, friends, job, home to following him out of state for his job because he put a ring on my finger and promised me forever. Now, I do have friends here now, but for some reason, I don't think I should be the one to move out. The house is mostly mine and I did f@#% up our life. He's keeping the affair on the DL so he doesn't have friends to go to. When the house sells or I get a job back home where I'm from (I want to be near my family) then I'll be out of the house. I did ask him to move out last week so we'll see what happens when he gets back from his mini-vaca with the OW.
He's never mean to me. He's never said that any of this was my fault. in fact, he says that I'm wonderful and he doesn't deserve me. He loves me and all he wants for me is to be happy. As for his affair, I can have the proof in my hand waving it in his face and he'll deny that it's still happening. This makes me think that I'm crazy! I know... actions, not words.
As for you, I admire your strength to push through all this. I agree with you that getting a D is not the way to make things better. My H says that maybe we'll be together again in the future. Keep up the good work. Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction! I'll try to catch up!
It seemed to me he was very interested in getting his house free and clear while you were stuck with the used furniture?
Yes, that is correct. He filed for a legal separation through his attorney about 12 days after I moved out. He was adamant about us "not working" and did NOT want me to sign his green card for him. Then all of a sudden in January, something changed. He starts saying he wants to go to MC, he needs his GC signed and if I won't do it, he will have to file for D so he can get it on his own. I told him let's wait and do MC, but that I would sign it for him no matter what and he went and filed for D. Fast forward a few months of MC and he tells me The Big Story: that he wants to talk, that he f-cked the random club girl (same age I was when I met him - 23), and oh, by the way, he got his GC 2-ish months back. What? Re:the club girl, in January, H took me to this gorgeous nightclub downtown. I spent all day picking out a new outfit, got my hair done, etc. Come to find out, this was the same place he met said girl just a few weeks before and took her back to his friend's house (with her sister) and they each f-cked one of the girls. Classy, yes?
Then he says he wants to try to make us work, try everything, etc. And he cancels MC two days later without even telling/asking me.
But I digress. Maybe you are right. Maybe I have blinders on. (or did). He did file to dismiss the D a month after he petitioned it but I never signed it. I went one day to put in the mail box but I just ... didn't. Now to add to this, between all the lines in this mess, H and I have hung out almost every week since Dec/Jan up until recently and he's always saying how he loves me/misses me, etc. It's like a double entendre.
Changing gears again...you should think about the future though like if you plan to have kids, family etc do you see him as that person you can rely on and grow old with? If not, this is the time to end this. As harsh as it may sound I see so much positive in your and Brena's situation because you are both young and no kids yet!
When I was still living with H I would say there was no way in hell I'd have a baby with him (at the mo') since he would blank me for daaays on end/weeks. I couldn't imagine raising a child w/ that. Now that we're going through this I find myself thinking about how I'm 29 and have no kids, husband, or house. Funny how that happens. I don't feel "old" really but every day it seems a girlfriend of mine is getting pregnant and/or married. It just makes me think. And yes, I should totally take my own advice.
The house is mostly mine and I did f@#% up our life.
Why do you feel that YOU f-cked up your lives? He is the one carrying on with some other broad. As for him denying it, that's just lame at this point. But like someone in their other thread said--liars lie. And I agree with you -- he should be the one to move out. Did you tell anyone he was having an A? I know a lot of people say to "bust the affair." Do you still sleep in the same bed as him? Any movement on your house selling?
It sucks about the random girl...that's just messed up. I realize there are temptations and the grass looks greener on the other side but how people actually go through with it without thinking about the consequences or the hurt and pain. All I can say is they're just self-absorbed and selfish people and I hate to judge.
I'm sure it makes you think about the family and kids and all that but you're still young. You have this chance to get out of a relationship that could've fell apart later on and let me tell you that having kids especially when you don't have family nearby to help takes a lot of patience, understanding and hard work. Even great marriages experience the turbulence when starting a new family. I have no doubt that stbxw changed mostly during pregnancy and after DD was born. Like a switch flicked inside. So start out with a solid footing and foundation...
You have a good head on your shoulders and you'll be OK.
Sorry Soliel - I meant that "I did NOT F@#% up our lives." Type-o.
You're not old and you have plenty of time to have kids. I've got a friend who is getting married next month for the first time and she's 38! People are getting married later in life these days and waiting to have kids. Healthy kids are born everyday! You'll be fine on that front. My cousin is getting remarried for the second time at age 52 and his fiance is 47 and this is her third marriage! I'm not sure if that's coming off as positive as I want it, but my point is, there is life after divorce. You'll be better than okay!
Yep, a "solid footing foundation" sounds supreme.
I'm not sure that I would ever marry again. Perhaps it's not for me. How do you guys feel about that personally (question for all of you in "Surviving the big d?" Do you think you would you ever remarry?
H called last night saying he had some of my mail. I stopped by to get it. Then we went out for a bite to eat. Last night he said how he loves and cares for me and he really really really doesn't want a divorce "but"--and then he starts saying how we dont get along at all, how we are fine for a few days and it starts again and (words words words). I said I agreed with everything he was saying and that I won't fight him anymore. Then he said I am making it sound like he wants a D. Huh? My thing is, if you are with someone and they say they love you and DO NOT want a divorce then say "but all we do is fight/we can't get along/there are too many problems" then how do you respond? You let them go, right? Why say all these positive things and then follow up with a negative thing? Makes no sense.
He stayed over last night. It was nice being in bed with him. He wanted sex but that did not happen (though I am definitely wanting sex lately!--gah, how to deal?!) LOL. We snuggled and he kissed me goodbye this morning when he left for work. I still love him. I know I suck at "detaching."
And with all this happening... I will not stand in his way anymore. I know that. It's bizarre.
I feel for you Soleil... You've got to be careful though. I want more than anything else to fall asleep in my H arms again, to be held by him, to be kissed by him, and yes, sex too, but I also know that all of that won't change anything between us. Holding me won't stop his A and yes, while it feels good at the time, I'm simply torturing myself in the long run by letting it drag on. You have to take care of your heart in the long run, not the short term. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too or nothing will ever change. Change is scary, but it's necessary for you to move forward with your life.
I want to get married again. Thats my vote. Be good to yourself.
Hey good advice there from brena. Soleil (and Brena) two quick things. One please don't have sex with them ESPECIALLY if there have been other women. You don't want to catch something, this is a very real issue- don't ignore it. Two, for Soleil, if he's saying all these things again do you trust him? or is there an ulterior motive behind all this? Maybe he does mean it...do you see a future/family together? but and I don't want you to get your hopes up high but it is possible that he does realize what he had and now it's gone. So don't let him cake eat, make him feel that if that's the road he chooses than there's no cute Soleil there for him anymore. The sooner and harder it hits him the better. Don't let him ease into his new 'lifestyle'.
As for marriage for me no. I only stand to lose by getting married unless of course it's a supermodel then all bets are off...ok so no. However, I already have D6 and she's all the family I need. I would love to have a gf though but we'll see if she would have the same idea or not. Most women want to get married.
Just because he failed to honor the committement to you doesn't mean the marriage is not for you.
Romeo, I did get tested just a few weeks ago and saw doc on Monday - all clear. H has not been tested (and seemingly doesn't want to).
I'm not sure if H is just "saying" all these things. I think he does care and still feel an emotional connection with him. With that said, I also think he doesn't see us working long term (since he's told me numerous times how much he loves me, does NOT want a D, "but we don't get along." I am at the point where I've accepted it (though I don't agree with it). He is entitled to his own feelings and opinions just as I am. If he thinks this is the best solution, then who am I to fight him on it, right? It'd be worse to keep trying to no avail and wasting precious time in our lives.
I am unsure of how to tell people we are D'ing/split up when they ask, and they will. "He cancelled MC and doesn't think we get along." OR "We both decided it's not working so we're parting ways?" I'm so confuuuuused. LOL.
I'm supposed to go to the courthouse to get our file re: everything soon.
Romeo, I agree most women prob do want to marry but not all -- personally, I don't even foresee that as a possibility in my future.
He is entitled to his own feelings and opinions just as I am.
That is 100% true for feelings, emotions and actions - they're their's we can't change them. Smart girl! They say the tighter you grip something the more it wants to get out, when you loosen the grip it stops struggling.
I like Kerry's line so how about: "H and I are no longer together, he got rabies and I had to put him down"
Yes you can't forsee that right now nor should you worry about it at this moment. You need to heal before you feel that way but you will find someone who will appreciate you and love you- as hard as it may be for you to believe that right now it will happen. Marriage and kids that's an entirely different topic.
They say the tighter you grip something the more it wants to get out, when you loosen the grip it stops struggling.
Yep. It's like when you tell a child not to do something, they want to do it even more.
Friday noon I went to the courthouse to get copies of everything on my D file. Did happy hour with my co-worker. She asked about H and I told her we were separated. I have never told anyone at work that before. Baby steps.
I called him and he came over later, very late actually and I was half-asleep. He stayed over, wanted sex, didn't happen. Saturday morning he left & called later to see if he forgot something. I asked if he wanted to go to lunch and he said "No" that he'd made plans with his boss (who by the way he was out with the night before when he came over at 2 a.m.). Sunday he calls and says he has some of my mail, that he's renting a movie. Calls me again at 9ish to ask if I want to spend the night/watch said movie. I told him I was going to sleep after a long weekend of studying.
So that's that. This confuses me. He says he really really doesn't want a D but that we don't get along? Ugh. Advice, anyone? This is so convoluted. I haven't had sex with him since I got tested and was all clear. He has not been tested though I asked him to since he told me about the random chick.
Yeah this is utter BS. If he 'really really' doesn't want a D then what's he doing about the 'getting along' part- whatever that means?
Tell him actions speak louder than the words so when he checks himself (and you) into some kind of Retrovaille like program you may start believing him. Right now you don't trust him.
Look, the thing about marriages is it's a committment to work together. There will be lots of ups and downs in life especially when you will have kids etc. However, some people are always looking for that initial spark and the 'happily ever after' life. When the spark's gone they become bored and start straying. They want that constant 'falling in love' feeling which after 10+ years fizzles out, what remains is the trust, the bond from raising a family together etc.
So what do you want to do?
Romoe, well I'd like to not be confused by what he says. I will speak to him one last time I guess and tell him, WTF is your deal, man? (well not in those words, haha). Can't have it both ways.
I have an appontment to see a L next Monday and have cancelled the same appointment about 3 times within the last 10 months. Feels like I'm running out of time.
So I feel like I got some closure last night. I called H and we spoke and I told him I felt confused by his "I love you/I really, really don't want a D...but we don't get along" spiel.
I asked him if there was anything we could do to try to change that, MCing, something I could do/something he could do and he said, "Honestly no." Then we spoke some more and ping pong ensued and well I am glad we had that talk because I needed to hear it from him.
So that's it. I am going to see that L on Monday as planned but I wanted to talk to him first *just in case*.
Oh, on the phone he said "We both agree on this." And I said, "No, we don't."
This is totally his choice. And I cannot stay like this any longer. His wishy-washy-ness all this time... I just can't understand it. Once again he reiterated how he's not seeing anyone and has no intention on ever being with someone again (uh huh). Then he says, "I am sure lots of guys will be calling you now...they probably already do." And I was thinking, Wth are you talking about and wth do you care? I am so not there but why does he even mention it? He doesn't want to be M to me so what does it matter if in the future I get a call from a guy?
I guess I will never know if he partially/used me for GC but when I stack up the story, it doesn't look good.
So. That's the last of our round.
Actions speak louder than words, always. He's going to play you with the "I love you, don't want a D, but we don't get along" crap for as long as he can. The "but" needs to be dropped from that statement and he needs to start putting into ACTION his desire to save the marriage. Talk is cheap.
Don't cancel the appointment with the lawyer. It's just a consultation and doesn't mean that you have to file the paperwork right then and there. Simply get the information to protect yourself. You've been in this limbo state for a while. Only you can take yourself out.
Stay positive, you're doing great!
Hey Brena. "Limbo" has been 10 months now, w/ serious probs surfacing of 2/09. I am not cancelling the appointment. That conversation for me was it. I wish things could be different but wishing isn't reality. I am done and it's time to move on with my life. This is his choice. I am letting go.
Sol, great job on confronting him! You got the answer that you didn't want to hear but needed to hear. I'm sorry this happened to you but I really do see a much healthier better future for you! You have time on your side and you're that much wiser from this experience.
He's being nice out of guilt and possibly so you can be lenient in the divorce process with the house etc- DON'T!!! Don't give up even a cent than what you're legally entitled to! This will make him mad but he can't have it both ways!
ImprovedRomeo is right! Definitely don't let him have it both ways. I'm struggling with that myself so I know how hard it can be. You still want to believe that he's a good person. I'm not saying that you have to consider him "bad" but you need to put yourself first, all the time when it comes to him.
I'm glad that you're moving forward. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do it and I'm proud of you!
I passed my final last night for one of my classes!!! I am stoked. A funny thing happened too. Saw my parents last night and told my dad that I will be going to see a L on Monday re: D and he nonchalantly said, "I thought you already filed."
I dont know why but this made me laugh. Like it was so normal/unsurprising to him.
Then he offered me ice cream (my favorite). Aw. Good old dad.
Ran into my former neighbor's this morning (neighbors from me and H's house). They are elderly and were so happy to see me, hugging me, telling me to come back and visit, that they miss me. I thought they'd ask about me & H but they didn't (I know they still see him all the time). It was so nice to see them.
Sol, great job on confronting him! You got the answer that you didn't want to hear but needed to hear.
He's being nice out of guilt and possibly so you can be lenient in the divorce process with the house etc- DON'T!!!
Yeah I did need to hear it from him. Glad I did, too. And I hadn't thought about his niceness being related to our D'ing. Interesting... will def take that into consideration.
I'm glad that you're moving forward. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do it and I'm proud of you!
Hehe. Thanks for the pick-me-up. Yeah it feels as if I am turning a new page on my life. I walk around without my ring on and don't feel weird if people see my ringless finger anymore. Small things like that. This morning I made my bed and as I was putting the pillows atop I was thinking, H is never going to sleep on that side again and that's a reality. Acceptance.
Now I've got two more classes to finish and I will be done with this semester. Thank God!
Let me be the first to congratulate you on passing your class! You should be proud that you did that and survived all the crap in your personal life too!!
What are you studying Sol? That sounds great!! congratulations! You'll be OK kid!
Hey, congrats on the exam!
You know what? I am sick and tired of reading about all these dumbass "men" that leave all these great women (ladies, girls, whatever word you like
Bunch of f'ing morons!
Haha. Thanks, guys
Well any hope I had of thinking STBX and I could have an amicable D just went out the window. I called him to tell him that I would sign the house over to him and not involve lawyers (which is what he wants) if he wanted to settle with me. First he seemed ok with this until he realized I meant settlement as in $. He then proceeded to tell me that now he knows that I only care about $, how shitty of W I was, how I will regret all of this, etc. It turned into a lot of bickering back and forth on the phone.
He said my idea "makes no sense" and that I should just sign the house over to him lickety-split and he's being generous by giving me all the furniture. Huh? This pains me because, hello, I signed over his green card to him and NEVER asked for anything in return and he filed for D. I told him I should have known what his character was when he told me if I didn't sign it that he would file for D. Grr. My heart was beating pretty fast and I was pretty upset on the phone. He told me he would not talk to me again until we are in court.
My thing is I don't understand why his proposed agreement is ok but anything I propose is stupid or makes no sense, in his opinion. This totally sucks.
He feels like a stranger to me.
I have a feeling this could get very dirty which is not what I want at all.
There's no trust anymore. I would have loved to have settled everything without Ls -- although I truthfully still don't want a D. I came up with a proposal and she didn't like it so instead of making a counter proposal she hired an attorney and ... now her guy send my L letters about things we should handle between us and my guy has to forward it to me and bills me for 15 minutes, which equals another $60 down the drain.
Enough about me.
You'll have to get a L and don't agree to anything until talking to him or her.
It goes way beyond trust at this point. The fog makes many waywards downright crazy. They'll propose insane settlement terms that they seem to genuinely think are sound and rational, as if continuing to slaughter the LBS mentally, emotionally and fiscally on every level is entirely "fair and equitable". I'm not saying bringing L's into the scene will make them any less insane, but it'll keep them somewhat at bay.
Sol, I'm sorry but it's totally expected, I think I mentioned it. He will be upset but his feelings are no longer your responsibility. Only your own well being and your feelings are your responsibility.
Not to get your hopes up high but if you take a strong stance he will come to the table to negotiate. Let him mull over it for a bit go talk to your L and find out exactly what your options are. Are you in the US? not sure why I keep thinking you might be in Canada. Anyway, the L's should be able to run the preliminary numbers and tell you exactly what you qualify.
Greaaat to know, guys. It's good to hear it from the vets. He was totally slagging me on the phone. Meh. He kept saying I will regret everything one day.
I am not the one who wants a D. WTH is he talking about?
At this point there is no such thing has getting my hopes up anymore. That part of me feels defeated. Everytime I've tried, they've been pounced on.
Yep, I'm in the US, Romeo.
Mentally exhausted this morning. Didn't sleep well and was thinking about how sh-t that conversation was with STBX. He just digs, keeps digging. He gets off on trying to make me feel bad. It's sick. And started thinking about this dumb girl he had sex with. And how it happened 3x in one night. He told me way too many details, how she went down on him, how she was acting "crazy" like she never had sex before, how it was annoying him. If a man has sex with a woman that many times in one night, it must be because he's really into her, right? Then he says she didn't mean anything to him that she was "just a piece of meat."-- his words. I feel sick today. I wish I never met him.
Don't ever expose yourself to that again! My H also LOVED to try and tell me how amazing and crazy sex was with OW. It is so disrespectful and disgusting that a man could even say such things to his wife (or any woman for that matter).
If a man has sex 3 times in one night with a stranger he met in a bar he is doing so because he can.
I know its so hurtful but try not to feel sick over him.
My H also LOVED to try and tell me how amazing and crazy sex was with OW.
Classy. Did he describe positions and particular acts as well?
No, it wasn't classy but everybody knows that. It was mean and hurtful just like Sol's H is being.
I was with my H for 13 years... trust me when I say there isn't all that much he could describe
Don't ever expose yourself to that again!
Yeah I need to not do that. The best part is that he told me she told him she was in a relationship with someone afterward. (he never mentioned being married).
Gah. I just wish this whole saga was over and fast. My mother made a comment to me that my sis is tired of hearing about all this. good to know. I need to STFU and move on. Seriously. The sooner the better.
When should I begin telling folks? And how?
He sounds like a jerk. You deserve better. I think you should start "no contact," especially if he's tormenting you with details of his adulterous sex life. tell him that if he wants to get a hold of you about the divorce, have him talk to your attorney. Is your state a "no fault" state? If it is, there might be more of a struggle. If its not, then you can play the infidelity card and take him for everything!!
I think you should tell people, sooner rather than later. It'll help you move closer to acceptance and then you'll have support from people who love you. When I finally started telling some of my people at work, I was amazed on the amount of people who were personally or knew someone going through the same thing. These times really differentiate who your real friends are. Your H has failed you as a friend. Finding the real friends would be helpful.
I'm sorry to say that it won't be over fast. You can always hope for it but most Ds take at least 90 days and it'll take longer than that to recover from this. Take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy and avoid him all you can.
Stay positive! You're doing great!
He sounds like a jerk. You deserve better. I think you should start "no contact," especially if he's tormenting you with details of his adulterous sex life. tell him that if he wants to get a hold of you about the divorce, have him talk to your attorney. Is your state a "no fault" state? If it is, there might be more of a struggle. If its not, then you can play the infidelity card and take him for everything!!
I think you should tell people, sooner rather than later. It'll help you move closer to acceptance and then you'll have support from people who love you. When I finally started telling some of my people at work, I was amazed on the amount of people who were personally or knew someone going through the same thing. These times really differentiate who your real friends are. Your H has failed you as a friend. Finding the real friends would be helpful.
I'm sorry to say that it won't be over fast. You can always hope for it but most Ds take at least 90 days and it'll take longer than that to recover from this. Take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy and avoid him all you can.
Stay positive! You're doing great!
When my W told me about her PA I felt a sudden rage, sadness and just like having no energy all within a few seconds as I tried to absorb what I just heard. I wanted to know EVERY detail but I told her 'thanks for telling me and even if I ask you for details please don't tell me' she agreed and while I never asked but I wondered about it. Thankfully I could walk away saying 'R you're just imagining things you don't know what happened'. And at least my W was nice enough to say that it sucked and she felt terrible about it...
Sol, CG, stop playing it like a video in your head over and over you'll drive yourselves nuts. I know it's easier for me to say it and I used to do the same but we must (and we all do) reach that point of acceptance that it happened and it's no way representative of YOU only THEM.
You're right time to move on Sol! Begin telling your folks? For me it wasn't that big a deal, I told my sis on the phone first then within a few hours my brother emailed me about it and the next thing I knew I was talking to my mom and dad about it. It actually sucked because they were really sad about it and it hurt me more to see them sad than myself- as if I let them down. Of course, it wasn't me and they were sad that it turned out that way.
Ha! I don't play the video in my head (dull movies bore me!, lol!). But I do know when I first heard this it was horrifying. And it's downright cruel for a cheating spouse to even say such a thing.
If a man has sex 3 times in one night with a stranger he met in a bar he is doing so because he can.
I know its so hurtful but try not to feel sick over him.
This might help...
why do dogs lick their b*lls?
Because they can.
LOL, Purple. And yes, it doesn't make me feel better.
I have felt extremely depressed this week. It really sucks. I dont know how long I will be like this but I am seriously tired of feeling this way. I can't remember the last time I felt happy and I used to consider myself a "happy" person. This feels like such a blow. Like I am regressing in life?
One great thing is that I finished up my summer semester of school yesterday. Last lab and class. Thank God. I have 2 weeks of time off before the fall semester starts.
Going to see L after work today. Should be interesting. I am thisclose to just signing house over to STBX and being done with it. I don't feel like fighting in court and spending money for a D that I didn't file anyway.
I was praying this morning for God to please guide me and to get out of this depression. It seems unending. Miserable. My sis told me if she were me that she'd be going on "lots of dates." Yeah right. I have ZERO desire for 'dating.'
(((Soleil)))
I can understand how you're feeling. This whole thing just sucks no matter how you slice it. I get that but don't make any rash decisions. Just go have a discussion with the L, think about it, post it here and then make an informed decision. Yes it may sound like a pain in the back and it is but it's the right way to do it.
You should also make an appt with your doc and see if they can give you an AD. If nothing else you can try SAM-E or St. John Worth supplement. They're both over the counter ADs- not as effective but have helped people here. Sunlight's good too so take an afternoon walk after lunch if you can. Get yourself involved in some activities that you like to do. Take a class etc. These are much better options than trying to jump in the dating scene so soon.
You'll be fine- just remember this is a process and to get to the end of this process you must go through these phases you're going through.
soleil,
...Like I am regressing in life?
No, you're going through hell on the roller coaster.
But I'd suggest seeing your Dr. about depression and AD meds. You'll welcome the relief, trust me.
Peace,
I know this is horrifying to have to endure but I IMPLORE you not to make any asset divisions on emotion. DO NOT sign the house over to your H to avoid dealing with a long battle.
And maybe it's not about a regression but more what we need to do to come out of deep pain in a meaningful way. This path you are in now is present for a reason. The reason may be to lead you towards a much different life that may not be what you thought but also may be exactly what you are supposed to have.
Sol - the mind is a very powerful thing. I allowed mine to runaway with me for 6 months without AD. I don't recommend it. I cried everyday for six months. It didn't do me any good.
What I suggest is thought stopping. It'll help. It did for me. What you do is whenever a thought of your H comes into your mind, you say STOP and then force yourself to think of something else (not related to him). It can be anything. I could be a thought about what it would be like to win a gold medal, learning to drive a motorcycle, or even a happy memory you have that doesn't involve him. Make a list so you don't have to come up with it on the spot.
The point is, my continued thinking about my H drove me crazy. Forcing myself to STOP and think about something else has helped me tremendously. You can do it. It'll be tough at first but it'll get easier. My first day of thought stopping... I had to do it 46 times in one day. Now, two weeks into it, only about 15. Eventually, I hope he'll just drop from my mind.
Check out Prather's "Little Book of Letting Go"
and another (author?) "How to Fall Out of Love"
They are great! Check them out!
Stay Positive! You're doing Great!
I agree with everyone's recommendation to go to your doctor and get ADs. I am someone who prefers not to use medication, and I look for more holistic ways to treat things whenever possible. However, ADs put a floor under your feet and allow YOU to be in charge or your emotions. You don't have to be on them forever; they are temporary while you're going through tough situations AND doing the work on yourself that's necessary in the meantime.
I also encourage you NOT to roll over and give your H everything he wants. Consult a lawyer, and let him/her do the heavy lifting. You may feel like you just want it to be over and to run away from it all, but in the end, rolling over will leave you feeling disempowered and taken advantage of...again.
You suffered a lot of emotional abuse at this man's hands, and he's STILL playing you. He thinks he's going to manipulate you into him getting everything he wants...no consequences. I'm not telling you to be greedy, but I am telling you to get your fair share of the assets from the M, what you're legally entitled to.
If you stand up for yourself, in the end you will feel more empowered. From where I sit, the thing you need most is to reclaim your power from your H. You're giving it away when it's really all yours.
Hang in there, and make an appointment for your doc!
SD
I know that I am in a depression right now (a big one) probably since Feb of last year. I have never felt bad like this for so long. But at the same time I do not want to take meds because I feel that a divorce can lead to depression, so it's natural. Maybe I'll research it though. Does it have any odd effects? I don't want to become dependent to something like that.
Saw L yesterday. There are some things that need to be revised re: H's original petition for D. (Fun fact: the way he filed means I cannot remarry -- interesting, huh?) So there have to be some revisions and L said he can have me D'ed in about 30 days sine we haven't lived together for 11 months and have no kids. The main thing is getting the house issue settled. He said he doesn't foresee any assets coming out of it w/ the recession and advised me to just keep the furniture and sign house/debt over to H. He said he didn't really think I'd get any $/settlement from H. I asked if we could mention the greencard in the D but he said he doesn't handle "immigration law." I wonder if I'd even bring it up in court? Who knows? Does a D judge normally just rule on wahtever each party states in the D papers or does he make his own determinations as well?
The retainer is hefty, IMO. Has anyone here done their own D? I wish H would just pay for all of the D since he is the one wanting it. I do feel like I walk away from this with nothing. He'll have the house, some new work raises, the greencard, the nice cars, etc. and I get to... move back in w/ my parents to save $. Nice.
I want this to be done with fast.
And maybe it's not about a regression but more what we need to do to come out of deep pain in a meaningful way. This path you are in now is present for a reason. The reason may be to lead you towards a much different life that may not be what you thought but also may be exactly what you are supposed to have.
I like this.
Get some ADs Soleil, it will make going through this tough time easier. I had the same thinking as you "I don't need no stinking drugs, I'm in total control of myself" but at times it's really tough and it's unnecessary. I tried SJW over the counter stuff which helped just a little bit but getting out in the Sunlight and doing physical activities really turned me around (took a few weeks) but now I feel like I can kick ass and take names!
Go see another L, this one sounds like a lazy bastard to me and there are many like him. They're glorified paralegals who would rather wrap up a D and move on to the next, less stress, time etc. They have templates ready where they change your name and file. Get a couple of recommendations if you can or do your research online.
Having said that it may be that there's not much to be gained from this financially if the house has no equity etc. But you'd better find out now so you don't look back and have regrets.
It's mind boggling to me how we the LBSs are the ones that end up hurting financially too in just about EVERY situation. But I wouldn't worry about what he ends up with, I'll look at it as 'I don't need the jackass or his jackshit- I'm smart, I'm strong and I will be OK!'
I would not retain this attny. And when you do retain an attny have him/her file an immediate motion so you can get immediate reimbursement of your legal fees.
The recession, lack of equity and all of that good stuff is what it is. I am STUNNED an attny would suggest to you that walking away from the house is a good idea. And a family law attny doesn't need to specialize in immigration law to answer a simple question about the green card. My attny has these handy law books (like thousands of them) that contain all the answers outside of his speciality. If the attny you spoke to y'day is THAT lazy never go back.
So basically your H shook you down for a green card and now will be getting the house, thought he could dictate a future marriage to you, will pay nothing and you pay the legal fees? No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
And NO.
I would go to every divorce attny in your town for two reasons (A) to find the best one and (B) so when you do your H can't have them.
Petition for spousal support and see what happens. And I would be combing over EVERY immigration document I could get my hands on.
Sol - I didn't do ADs. I didn't want to get all drugged up either, but I was miserable for six months. Granted, I'm still not taking ADs, but I'm doing cognitive behavioral therapy (ie the "thought stopping" i told you about in my previous post).
I have a friend who went through a D and did take ADs and she's fine. I don't think there are lasting effects, it just helps you to function better. It is your choice.
If you don't want ADs, I highly recommend a counselor, and those two books.
Prather's "Little Book of Letting Go"
and (author?) "How to Fall Out of Love"
They were great for me.
As for the attny... they are supposed to be on YOUR side. If you don't feel like they are - get rid of them! Most attnys do free consults. Consult until you find one you like.
hang in there.
ADs are a tool, not a crutch. It is up to you and a counselor to decide if you would benefit from them. You are right in that this is a situational depression, which also means that you would not be on the meds forever. I used them for about 2 years, and they saved my life.
If you broke your arm in a fall, would you just let it heal "naturally," or would you go get a cast?
Please see another lawyer - try to ask around for referrals (do you have a local women's center?)
Unless you are abusing AD's addiction is not an issue. Like any drug that penetrates the brain/blood barrier there is a proper way to start them, take them and wean off of them.
Depression that lasts for more than a brief pocket of time (even if situational) is not something you can "snap out of" quickly. Partner financial stress and all the other stresses that a divorce produces and you are suffering needlessly.
Your brain is "trained" right now to be depressed and the AD's will help retrain your brain.
There is no "high" but if they are managed properly you will begin to feel balance.
I'll look into those ADs though I'm iffy on them. Won't hurt to research though.
As for the Ls... every place I've called charge about $300 for a consultation fee and then afterward they tell you what their retainer is. Madness! I don't have $300 to waste just to interview a handful of Ls and then maybe not even pick them. By the end of seeing 5 of them, that'd be almost a retainer fee right there.
Grr.
You know what's crazy? I think it cost about $25 to get married. And this will be in the thousands. Ah. You gotta love that.
My courthouse has a family center - you might want to check at yours and see if they have a recommendation (they work with D lawyers all the time).
Just a different perspective on meds. I took Lexapro (made my heart race) and Klonopin (difficult to come off of) and I would never take ether again. I also took Ambien and Lunesta to sleep. All of these meds have extreme side effects and you might have to take them for life because your body becomes dependent on them. I went to see a Naturopath who helped me, however it is not quick and not easy. That being said, I made it out and feel really good these days. I do yoga, eat well and take time to breathe and be with myself.
What's wrong with feeling? I had days where I didn't get off the floor because the grief was so bad. That said, I think it helped move my recovery along at a faster rate. Eventually you have to feel or you're just pushing it down further inside of you.
Just my opinion....good luck!
I think with AD's (unfortunately) sometimes there is some "trial and error". I have been on Lexapro for 16 months and honestly, it saved my life. My anxiety had reached a point where I was pacing around my house, for sometimes 12 hours a day, trying to ward off panic attacks due to stress from my divorce. In fact, I was diagnosed with a situational panic disorder and hospitalized. I was under 100 pounds, my hair was falling out in clumps and my lupus was spinning out of control. I was scared to death to take any sort of meds but really, had I not I am not sure if I would still be standing right now. Of course, once the meds helped me become balanced everything I was learning in C'ing made sense!
I have never had one bad side effect from Lexapro but I know other people have.
Klonopin is not an AD and should NEVER be used as one. It is not a "fool around" kind of drug and is VERY powerful. I took it for some time and I agree, it's not easy to get off of. Most people dont know that Xanax (the wonder drug that so many people love) is highly addictive and it takes only 14 days to develop the addiction. My psych calls Xanax "the devil drug" and he won't prescribe it or take you on as a patient until you are "Xanax free".
I certainly respect anybody who has strong feelings against AD's (I used to be one of them) but for me, they saved my life. It is scary to start taking them!
You will make the right decision but IMO it's not a bad option to at least examine if you really are having a very hard time!
AD's don't keep you from feeling, they allow you to manage your feelings. Lexapro also saved me, but I'd been on Zoloft before and that made me feel like I was dead. I communicated with my physician, and he told me that wasn't supposed to be the effect and he switched me to Lexapro.
I've also been prescribed Xanax in the past because of panic attacks. I agree that those meds are nothing to mess with unless you are careful about how you use them. For me, the only time I took them was when I had a panic attack, and that was a lifesaver. It was NOT for depression in any way, shape, or form!
When I started ADs, my goal was always to get off of them, therefore I did the work in therapy to get to that place. One important thing to note is that once you've had a bout of depression you are more likely to have another, and with each episode it becomes more and more likely it will happen again. It is a chemical reaction in your brain, and the body gets used to those chemicals. Therefore, doing therapy and getting "undepressed" as quickly as possible is important.
Consider all of your options, then pick what's best for you.
SD
I agree 100% - the "work" of C'ing must go with the AD's. My psych is very strict and won't take on any patient that will not sign a contract that states the following:
you will follow his med orders exactly
you will create a support system
C'ing (in his office)
spiritual belief of some sort
Any drug is very serious and I was scared to death to take them but I am glad I did. My health was very, very grave and had reached a point of danger.
But I know it's scary. I have found my dr. to be wonderful about listening and understanding my fears about medication. It's always good to know all the options!
Great advice, everyone.
We shall see about the AD's...
Called my landlord this morning to tell him I will be moving out. I called L's receptionist and she's supposed to let me know if he can meet w/ me later today. I wonder if I can add a clause saying H has to pay for all of our legal fees for the D? I doubt it's possible but it's worth it to try. Seems everything is going his way swimmingly. I'm trying not to be bitter but feel like the world is constantly working in his favor while mine has crumbled.
Grr.
Question: I am really tempted to delete all of STBX's texts from my phone for the past year. Should I do this or not?
Should I wait til after D?
I would suggest forwarding them to an e-mail account- they can be safely stored there in the event you need them during the D without taking up space in your phone and you don't need see them everyday.
Do you have a good L picked out now, or are you still looking?
Hugs, Bunny
Soleil, most lawyers should give you a 30min-1hr free consulting session. Call them up instead of driving all over the place. CG has good advice- talk to every good L about taking your case because that will block him from using those Ls. Of course, you don't have to go with them.
Texts...depends what kind of texts, if there's anything that could be used in court then yes keep them. If they're 'hey baby, what's for dinner tonight?' then sure delete them.
If your state is "no fault," text messages won't matter. If it is, delete them. Start erasing him from your life. If it's not, keep them as evidence.
Sol - you don't add clauses... your attny would file an immediate petition with the courts (RE: legal fees).
Your H will be forced to respond. Period.
Well, guys. I did it.
I deleted all of the texts from stbx yesterday. At first I was deleting 1 and 2 here and there and then finally I just hit "delete all." That was a huge thing for me.
Spy, I am going with the L I found. Going to meet w/ him today and he said he will include something saying stbx will be responsible for legal fees.
Q: are legal fees just the D fees or the entire L thing?
Romeo, I have called a gazillion L places and NONE of them offered a free consulation, all $200 and upwards (closer to $300 actually just for the consult).
The "Divorce by bed and board" is hilarious (the way stbx filed). Truly amazing that it means I cannot remarry. Totally getting that revised to say "Divorce from the bond of matrimony."
Gosh darn. The day we got married... I never ever thought I'd be here now.
So was his wording in the D paperwork just a typo or is he seriously wanting you to never remarry? Is he holding himself to that standard as well? What a jerk. Consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. Please make sure your L is on YOUR SIDE!! Make sure you understand everything in the paperwork so you're not surprised later.
I'm sure most of us in this forum "never ever thought we'd be here."
I did read an interesting article in a magazine the other day. A woman had just gotten dumped by her fiance and she was sobbing to her family about it when her little niece said to her "I'm glad he's gone, he was scary." She said "No, he wasn't scary." and the little niece replied "if he wasn't so scary, then why did you act like less of yourself when you were with him."
I took that to heart. I think I was less of myself with my H and I know that I'm less of myself when I beg him not to leave me when he was the one who screwed up our lives.
When you are happy as person without someone, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner will enhance your happy life or weighs it down.
So was his wording in the D paperwork just a typo or is he seriously wanting you to never remarry?
Not a typo. That's the way it was set up (though I believe it means we don't have a full D... kind of like a half-D in the sense there would be no remarriages until this one is "final.") Weird, right? It's not a "divorce from the bond of matrimony."
Sooo... I called a L a few days ago and he just got back to me and said he'd give me a free consultation today! He mentioned a fee that sounded ok but I'll know more after The Talk.
D really really sucks.
Sooo... I called a L a few days ago and he just got back to me and said he'd give me a free consultation today! He mentioned a fee that sounded ok but I'll know more after The Talk.
D really really sucks.
Good job Sol! you should be able to do that with a few more...sometimes right over the phone which is convenient.
Yes it does suck- but if you have to be here this is the best bunch of people to be around which helps a lot.
(((hugs)))
Yes it does suck- but if you have to be here this is the best bunch of people to be around which helps a lot.
(((hugs)))
Amen to that! Eventhough I've never met any of you or seen your faces, you guys really are an AWESOME support system(virtual or otherwise). Woo hoo to DB posters!
We just keep rockin and a rollin!
I was interested in the part about your STBX being responsible for legal fees. I can't believe that'll fly.
When I got STBXW's filing in the mail the thing that frosted me is the wording that "all efforts at reconciliation have failed."
There were no efforts at reconciliation. Just one visit to a marriage counselor.
What a joke.
CTH, that happened to me. A week after I moved I got a PSA saying there was "no chance for reconciliation." I sometimes thinks he couldn't wait to get rid of me, that maybe that's why he acted that way the entire time leading up to that.
We'll see about the legal fees...
I saw the new L and will be retaining him. He is a little more expensive but advised me to sign over the PSA (stbx getting house) and he will ask for me to get some sort of settlement. None of the L's I'd been to said that to me before. He said stbx's income is significantly higher and I shouldn't just walk away with nothing.
So that's where I am right now.
I'm torn over the legal stuff. I hired what I've been told is the best divorce attorney in town and she hired a guy who is lucky to keep his license.
Yet at about every turn my L has told me this is a good offer, take it.
He may be right and looking out for my best interests since there's really no assets to fight over.
Good idea on the house. STBXW wanted the house badly so I let her have it and now it's sinking her financially and she can't sell it.
I am VERY glad you found a new attny that is willing to explore more options than giving it all away!
Just make sure he lays out the strategy clearly before signing anything over! Ask him what his plan is exactly and how successful has he been in executing it in the past. Goodluck!
Good idea, Romeo. I am taking all these notes down!
He practices only divorce and has been doing it for 31 years now. When he calls back I will be sure to ask him for his "clear plan" and success rates at it.
Sigh.......
My family is planning a huge adventure to a theme park tomorrow. I plan on going. Hopefully I survive the roller coasters. LOL.
Sol - you seem like an incredibly kind person with a very gentle nature and I doubt even a divorce can change that.
Make no mistake about it though, this is a divorce and the legal side of things must be handled without a thought to your H's well being in mind.
You would not hire an architect to build you a house if he didn't have a blueprint, right? Your attny works for you and should need very little prompting to show you exactly what he can do (and has done) to ensure you the best financial future as possible.
I know you know your H best but based on what you have shared I think you are dealing with a man that has learned how to manipulate your gentle nature. I read up on "divorce by bed and board" and essentially it comes down to your H saying this:
Gee, I don't want to sleep with you or have any intimate connection with you and I certainly don't want to live with you or have any financial ties with you BUT just in case I need you again for immigration purposes lets "kinda" get divorced.
It is evident based on the filing alone your H has created a very romantic notion of how easy divorce *should* be and then took that insane thought a step further and actually attempted to structure a divorce that ensured him "safety" if need be.
When somebody sues you, like your H did to you and my H did to me, all bets are off. You do not converse, reason or attempt to appease somebody who is suing you. Period. If he gets mad, upset, nasty or anything else that you even find remotely unacceptable tell him to whine to somebody who cares... maybe he can call the "lady" from the club he slept with.
Before you do ANYTHING with your attny he should be able to tell you his strategy, the time frame in which it will be executed and the alternate plan of action. Go down to the courthouse and search public records using your attny as "counsel of record" and see for yourself what sort of history he has ESPECIALLY if a green card is involved.
Have fun with your family this weekend!
All great points, CG. I will definitely take them into account.
And you are right... the Divorce by Bed & Board is bullsh-t!! Grrrr. Yeah I don't want to be jaded by all this but it's time to get my gameface on and take no prisoners. Hahaha!
It's been 8 days since my last awful convo with stbx. You know, it's crazy and hindsight doesn't matter but I wonder if the "chick from the club" was actually someone he'd been seeing for awhile. I remember how he didn't show up for my birthday downtown, saying he couldn't find the place but later it turns out he was clubbing with his "boys" downtown. Maybe "boys" was a code word for "chick at the club." I will never know I guess. And I shouldn't think about it either.
Moving ooooon!
I suck at DB'ing.
STBX invites me over last night. Upon entering the house, I notice he has bought new furniture. We have wine and chat. He tells me I will receive something from his L in the mail, that he told his L to proceed w/ the D. I told him it really sucks that I have to find an L, pay $, all because he wants a D. He said "We'll figure it out." What does that mean? He kept saying "our D" and I was like, "Hello, it's YOUR D, this isn't my choice and obviously I can't fight you on it." Sigh. He said after the D maybe we can work on "us" and not have the responsbility of being married, that way in the future, if things go south, we won't have to deal with all the legalities of paperwork, etc. He mentioned several times how we can work on us after the D. That is such a catch-22, IMO. He says he loves me, cares for me, that for him I'm the most beautiful, funniest, all those adjectives that are just words now... I stayed the night. Didn't sleep all the way through of course, how can I with all this on my mind? He's moved on.
So I am thinking... He loves me but not enough to be M'ed to me.
That is f-cked.
I cried all day yesterday, the pain in my chest so heavy. I did have a nice weekend and did go to the theme park, tears coming out of my eyes on the roller coasters. Gosh, that is SO lame.
"Make no mistake about it though, this is a divorce and the legal side of things must be handled without a thought to your H's well being in mind." - CityGirl
Keep that in mind! He may be giving you false hope so that you will go along with him, and be easy on him, in the divorce. Don't do it!
(((Soleil)))
I know you have feelings for this man guy and that is very understandable. However like most WAS's he's just another manipulative pr!ck. He's using your feelings and this emotional bullsh!t talk to control you. He has his plans all laid out and he's checking things off as he goes. It's horrible that they do this crap.
You don't need someone like him in your life. Even if I'm to believe all the BS he's telling you (which I don't for a sec) are you telling me that someone like him could be trusted that he's divorcing you so you can be a happy couple together? I don't think even Hollywood could come up with this brilliant plot: "I love you darling, let's get a divorce!" WHAT???
I wouldn't discuss ANYTHING with him, keep your cards close to your chest. Please meet with your L to come up with a strategy and let him handle this matter *legally* not emotionally. Decline his invitations, get your own life. He's no longer entitled to see your emotions or hear how you feel about anything- you're a brick wall from now on. He will be upset because he's controlling and you're taking the control back from him but in time he'll come to respect and understand the boundaries you'll set up...starting now.
Sol - why did you even go over there?
I know you want to believe your H, I understand that more than you can know. I heard all the same stuff. My H told me that he need a divorce in order to feel "safe" working on things (IOW I need a divorce so I can screw OW without feeling quite as guilty as I do now and if I am ever bored enough I will give you a call). My H also acted like this was a "we" decision.
My H is perhaps one of the finest BS artists our generation has ever seen. If it wasn't so hurtful and directed at me I would almost have to be impressed with what he is capable of conjuring up.
In COURT my H made a statement that went on the oral record that said he wanted to get a legal separation, keep me HIS WIFE a secret and "see how things go" with us and if they start to go "ok then he might tell his GF. Right. Sign me up for that plan you a-hole! My attny said in his 30 years of practice he had never heard a statement like that in COURT!
It gets better though. The NIGHT before our stuff was finalized he came over here and in a rather impressive performance (that I fell for) he told me he loved me, this wasn't our grand finale, he would do ANYTHING to earn my trust and respect back and this is not how he wanted "us" to end. He said he knew it would be so much hard work but he wanted to try. This was in early Nov. You want to know when I heard from him again? On Thanksgiving night when he texted me VERY angry that I had not wished him a happy Thanksgiving and how dare I hurt his feelings like that.
You want to know when I heard from him after that? When he texted me 11 times over the course of an hour to tell me he was moving in with his mistress and he was happier than he ever was.
My H tried just about everything so this legal separation would go more "his way". He tried the pathetic route, the BS route, the "this is so hard" route and perhaps the most cruel was the "tear up CityGirl route". My H asked me to meet him at a restaurant (like a fool I did) and in the middle of a crowded restaurant he literally picked me apart from top to bottom and inside and out and told me in EVERY single way how much better the OW was than me... she is younger, prettier, smarter... you name it, he said it. It was so traumatizing to me that it really is only in recent months I have started to really work on that night in my own mind.
People don't get divorces to work on their R. They get divorces so their finances are no longer an issue, so they can feel like they are the "good guy" and so they can bed whomever strikes their fancy without *feeling* like a cheat.
It's time to hand all of this over to your attny. Actions speak much louder than words.
"People don't get divorces to work on their R." - CityGirl
Damn straight!
Time to go dark and plan your strategy. Have no contact with him, do it all through your atty.
It's over, you must get tough, quick! Take care of yourself and make this about YOU...go for what is yours and you deserve!
He called me last night to tell me I left my ring there (a little silver one) and that he was setting up his new king-sized bed and couldn't wait to sleep in it. I asked when he bought it and he said "2 months ago, it was just delivered."
It hasn't been 2 months since he took me on our Caribbean trip. That means it was right after he cancelled our MC and told me had his green card and that he slept with club girl. Which means... he never had any intention of working stuff out with me, IMO.
Then he told me (hold on to your horses, folks and sit down for this one) that I could move in "after the fact." "After the fact of what?" I asked. "After we get a D because then there won't be anything holding us together anymore."
Yes. He said that.
Meaning, since we won't be M'ed and if we stay together it's because we really want to, not because of "piece of paper." My husband is referring to our M as a "piece of paper."
Sweet!
So we're D'ing because marriage is too much of a responsibility per his words and I told him this...
People don't get divorces to work on their R.
That was met with silence.
He said I only want $ from him, that there's no way he's giving me any (but it's fair for me to sign the house over to him? We went back and forth, nothing accomplished, he said he LOVES me and CARES about me and I said, "Then why are you DIVORCING me?"
Even if I'm to believe all the BS he's telling you (which I don't for a sec) are you telling me that someone like him could be trusted that he's divorcing you so you can be a happy couple together? I don't think even Hollywood could come up with this brilliant plot: "I love you darling, let's get a divorce!" WHAT???
Decline his invitations, get your own life. He's no longer entitled to see your emotions or hear how you feel about anything- you're a brick wall from now on.
Yes. It's very "Hollywood" isn't it? Almost laughable. I need to GAL.
Sol - why did you even go over there? .
I know. I know. You remind me of my mom when you said that. But you are RIGHT, CG!
My H asked me to meet him at a restaurant (like a fool I did) and in the middle of a crowded restaurant he literally picked me apart from top to bottom and inside and out and told me in EVERY single way how much better the OW was than me... .
Ugh. I can't even imagine. What a super douchebag. Didn't you sy once that the OW won't allow him to speak your name or she gets upset?
People don't get divorces to work on their R. They get divorces so their finances are no longer an issue, so they can feel like they are the "good guy" and so they can bed whomever strikes their fancy without *feeling* like a cheat. .
Yes, this is true. People get D'ed cause they don't want to be with their spouse anymore. My stbx says he's not seeing anyone at all but who really knows.
[quote=Golfgirl1]Time to go dark and plan your strategy. Have no contact with him, do it all through your atty.
It's over/quote]
Ah yes, going dark.
Divorce is the ultimate rejection, isn't it? It's like, "Let's get married but until one of us doesn't want to do it anymore."
I reallllllllly need to get to the gym an dout of this rut. I am 29 and watching all my friends marry, have kids and here I am... "all by myselllllf" like that 80s song. I can do this though. Still can't believe I spent so much time with a man who promised me the world and told me there was only me and how he wanted to make a life with me only to find him D'ing me.
YUCK.
Your H just sounds like he wants the proverbial milk for free, IMHO. Maya Angelou has a quote that I love: "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
Your H has shown you the man he is over and over. Believe him. You have too much value to choose to remain in that situation. I'm going to say something that may sound harsh...but it's not meant to be an attack. I had someone say the same thing to me once, and once I got over being upset, I realized it was true.
If you continue to spend time with your H and listen to his crap, YOU are choosing to abuse yourself. Your H has shown who he is...it doesn't excuse his jerkiness, but at this point, you are the one hurting yourself, not him, because you could elect to walk away from anyone who shows so little respect for you.
On another note, I sort of understand the warped logic of getting rid of the piece of paper. Now, I don't think your H is saying that for any other reason than to keep you on the line and keep you hoping while letting go of any personal responsibility, so this doesn't apply to him. However, back when my sitch was going on and H and I had reconciled, my trust in him and in the institution of M was so broken, I kind of wanted to do the same thing. The piece of paper didn't keep him from pursuing an OW or staying committed to working on our R, so why keep it? I actually said that to H, and he blanched. In some ways I still feel that way, and I actually probably work from the belief that being married--or not--has little impact on the quality of my R...which is a good thing. I don't take it for granted anymore.
Don't sign over the house to him. Make him work.
SD
(((Sol)))
I'm seeing your mindset shifting where you're starting to see him in his true colors and I'm proud of you for that!
GAL'ing is important! Stop listening to those sad 80s songs...ya crazy?
Here's a better list of songs for you:
Sara Bareilles "King of anything"
Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again"
Toni Braxton's "Not man enough for me"
This is tough but you're tougher!
"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I'm going to say something that may sound harsh...but it's not meant to be an attack. If you continue to spend time with your H and listen to his crap, YOU are choosing to abuse yourself. at this point, you are the one hurting yourself, not him, because you could elect to walk away from anyone who shows so little respect for you.
No offense taken. I appreciate all the advice I receive on this forum. It's true. It's time to go effing dark and kick him in the balls (mentally, of course). LOL.
I'm seeing your mindset shifting where you're starting to see him in his true colors and I'm proud of you for that!
Yes I do see that it's clear he doesn't want to be with me.
Ok. No more 80s songs (unless it's something by Boy George--love him or Wham!)
That Toni Braxton song cracks me up but is GOOD!
Don't panic about being 29. That's still prime. I can't believe church_31 wasn't taken. Beautiful, in killer shape, very sweet. It just takes some longer to find the right one.
You whiffed on this try. The next should be better.
Yesterday I open mail from stbx's L. It's a motion for a court hearing w/ him requesting exclusive ownership of our home & property of which, if I do not sign, he will charge me half of the mortgage, and the kicker...for me to pay his atty's fees.
I had to laugh (and cry a little).
It's the most ridiculous thing ever. I do not exaggerate when I say that stbx makes anywhere from $40k-$60k more than me a year.
I am hand-delivering this f-ckery to my atty later today. My atty seems to be quite busy and is always rushed to get off the phone w/ me due to some other call, etc. but I really need him today.
Last night I had a dream stbx drugged me to sleep and I woke up thinking pretty much all of my dreams involving him for the past 1.5 year have an evil touch to them--him strapping me in a car at full-speed, me saving him from a train a second before it obliterated him, him cheating, me feeling afraid around him, blah blah blah.
I have a painting at our home that I want and some jewelry that I want to get before all this goes down. Suggestions?
What you have to keep in mind is how negotiating works.
Your H is going to ask for EVERYTHING because if he has a brain (doubtful at this point) he knows he will have to make some concessions. It is not uncommon for the person who throws out the first settlement to be WAY off base.
He is also going to try and scare you into doing what he wants.
No worries if wants half the mortgage - just petition him for YOUR living expenses
Or tell him SURE you can have the house, no worries... I will just need a lump sum of cash in the amount of xxx,xxx.00. He will say he doesn't have it and you will say "not my problem!"
If your attny is not giving you time then really, please reconsider. You are now at the point where you need a very skilled and strong negotiator to help you along.
No worries if wants half the mortgage - just petition him for YOUR living expenses
Oh, CG. You really should be a lawyer. Because this is exactly what I'm doing. Hahaha. Your post made me LOL and made me feel better.
I did just see my L who is so much better in person than over the phone. He told me what the plan is and that my stbx's atty is not very knowledgeable re: the law. Hee hee.
CG, yesterday you posted in someone's sitch (can't remember who's) about filing motions and how that throws people off/prolongs things. Can you post it here? I can't remember what you said but it was very informative.
I am feeling like pretty good right now.
say this to yourself sol...
"I deserve better. I deserve a someone who WANTS to be with me. No 'ifs, ands or buts' about it. I will not stay with someone who treats me poorly, cheats on me, or uses me to get what they want. I deserve better."
Keep saying it to yourself because it's true. it is what it is. you cannot change his mind. why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
Stop going over there. Stop talking with him. He's involving lawyers and making it messy. PROTECT YOURSELF, he's not going to do it for you. All he'll do is keep screwing you over.
Let go, or be drug.
"I deserve better. I deserve a someone who WANTS to be with me. No 'ifs, ands or buts' about it. I will not stay with someone who treats me poorly, cheats on me, or uses me to get what they want. I deserve better."
Keep saying it to yourself because it's true. it is what it is. you cannot change his mind. why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
Good advice!
Great advice, Brena.
I had a lovely weekend. It was relaxing and involved shopping (always a plus). I got in a great workout so that helps, too.
My L is sending stbx's L some paperwork today. We have a court date set for next month so my L is responding to that.
I start my new school semester this week.
Glad you hear it Sol. Goodluck in school!
how is school going thus far?
Not having a good day.
Last week I burned the sh-t out of my hand, can barely concentrate in school, got served with papers, stbx suing me for half the mortgage in a home I don't even live, oh yeah, my H is divorcing me. The last 2 days I've left my wallet at home. So today I went to retrieve it and lo and behold, got a speeding ticket on my way back to work (speeding).
Am definitely feeling like something is very wrong with me. Someone else made a comment to me this week about how I have really bad luck and how things really crumble for me when they do & I have been thinking a lot about that. I do feel like I'm cursed. Am hoping my day gets better but dammit, when it rains, it pours. Wouldn't wish this on anyone. Didn't sleep last night thinking about my upcoming court date with stbx, this man who made a fool out of me, vowing to love me in front of so many people (mostly my own guests) only to later call our M a "piece of paper." It's sucks x 1000. He is throwing me away.
On top of that I am deeply depressed and want to cry and disappear from the world. I hate my life.
Rant over.
((((((Sol))))))
We've ALL had those days and weeks. Not that it makes it any easier for you but I know the feeling.
How'd you burn your hand? That's really the only thing I'm concerned about. Hope it heals soon.
Didn't you retain an attorney? he should've been the one served on your behalf. Or is that what you meant? I know it sucks either way but getting served is one of the hardest things to go through...the next day or two will be tough just reeling from it but things will start to clear up and you'll have this shift where instead of living in the fear of the unkown you'll work towards getting this D process over with.
As for him suing you for half the mortgage...that's low and pathetic! He's showing his true colors. It's probably nothing more than a scare tactic. It realy depends on what you consider your date of separation and the state laws. Like here moving out physically is typically considered the date of legal separation too. So after discussing with your attorney I would suggest you use that as your date of separation. The value of the house should also be assessed as of that date and you be given half of the equity. If the house is sold and the value of the house depends on that or assessed at a date after seperation he can ask you to reimburse him for half the mortgage. Your lawyer should be able to help you with this stuff. That's what they're there for...and we're here to help too, you're not alone! don't sweat it.
Speeding ticket...yeah it sucks. Luckily you can now do the traffic school online so it doesn't go on your driving record. Again, don't sweat it...
Court date...yes I hate them with a passion but it's a necessary evil. You have to get out of this D, the sooner you do the better you'll feel. And you will feel better, I promise!
He's not throwing you away...read Ellie's post in your other thread. Sometimes people make wrong decisions and there's nothing you can do about it. He's made the worst decision of his life and I guarantee you he'll regret it. This is our time to grieve and feel this pain...there time comes later.
((((Sol))))
(((Sol)))
I am echoing Romeo's encouragement to you.
And... especially that you come to realize and believe he did not throw you away. I battled that belief/thought too for quite a while... and every so often it pops its ugly head back up. But, it is simply not true. Not. True.
When people abandon a M it is due to their own issues. Especially when they abandon someone who would have been willing to work on/save a M. Nobody is a perfect spouse. I wasn't, and I am sure you weren't. But that does not warrant abandonment. That is not your fault. That is HIS stuff. Please remember that.
Sol- you are worth it! You are worth loving, worth sticking it out with, worth spending time with. That is truth. Hold on to this. That is the truth I remind myself of every day.
(((Sol)))
It is amazing how stress seems to pile up at the very worst time!
The attnys, legalities, paperwork and all the "crap" associated with a legal divorce is hell. It' upsetting on so many levels and really it's just something you will have to learn to deal with. I understand how deeply distressing it is to get or send paperwork. I would have found more comfort raking my body over hot coals. The process is horrible but use your attny and his protection for all it's worth.
Being left by a spouse is life altering. I do think I finally understand what so many people were trying to say to me for so long... WAS are emotionally crippled people with more issues than we can imagine. They view people and problems as disposable entities. Without work and support those traits won't disappear from their lives but sadly they hurt lots of people in the process.
As Rocked said you *are* worth it. You are like a burst of lovely sunshine to all of us.
Thanks for the kind words of advice.
You have to get out of this D, the sooner you do the better you'll feel. And you will feel better, I promise!
Amen to that. I am now at the point where I am saying I can't wait for it to be over with. I did retain an L to respond to stbx's f-ckery/papers. My L wrote a letter to stbx's L saying its' ridiculous for him to sue me over mortgage and that we will see them in court, that I'll forego court if we can come up with some sort of agreement (which I know won't happen--stbx will not budge). My L said after the property/PSA is figured out, then we can go through w/ the D. I want a D now. Today. What a shift from how I was feeling even a month ago, wanting to work things out. It ebbs and flows. Gah!
Can you post Ellie's post for me here Romeo? Or link it?
Nobody is a perfect spouse. I wasn't, and I am sure you weren't.
Very true. How did you finally start getting over that sick feeling?
As for regrets... I honestly don't think he will regret this. I'd like to think he will (wouldn't we all?), but the fact is, whne someone goes as far as to file for D , their mind is pretty made up. They must be so over you and the M if they can do that like it's a regular Tuesday. I find myself thinking about whether he's seeing someone. He denies but who knows. I suppose time will tell.
At least I tried.
"At least I tried." That is what is going to get you through this. I stayed with my stbx for four months while he continued to cheat on me because I felt that I needed to make sure that I did everything I could to save us. Thats how I felt I'd get through it without regrets. Marriages are partnership and eventually, the "partner" needs to get on board. If not, get out and take care of yourself. That is what you are doing now.
As for him regretting it... I'm sure he will, but you won't. You'll move on with your life and become ridiculously happy and he'll keep being the same jerk and never ever learn from his mistakes. He's on a downward spiral. Don't let him take it with you.
As for the bad day. It's okay to have those. It doesn't mean you're not making progress. You're allowed to have the bad days so go easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to pull the covers over your head and just cry it out. When you're done, get up, get moving and push forward. Happiness is a choice. You may have to choose it 30 times a day, but you can do it.
I agree with CG on you being the burst of sunshine. You're very sweet.
Ellie's post, all of it is great but this particularly:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061386&page=2"3) It was also easier to let go because I had peace in my heart that I had tried everything I could to save the marriage. I decided to accept that somehow he had to go down this path and I couldn't save him. Someone said "Let go or be dragged" and I decided, since I couldn't change the outcome, I might as well go out and be happy!"
(((((((sol)))))))) Sorry you are having a string of crap all at once. Go back and read the encouraging words from those here - it is the truth.
What can you do for yourself over the next few days, just to take care of you?
The "I tried" thought is one thing that gives me peace at times. STBXW has the "upper hand" in that she chose to divorce me. Working through that is hard.
When it comes to kids, I have the upper hand because it wasn't my choice to throw their lives into chaos and doom them to a childhood of financial struggle for no concrete reason other than she "doesn't feel" love for me anymore. They know I didn't want this and that's going to comfort me for the rest of my life.
Hey Sol--
Just tagging in here, 'cause I wanted us both to read and feel RW words of wisdom:
Nobody is a perfect spouse. I wasn't, and I am sure you weren't. But that does not warrant abandonment. That is not your fault. That is HIS stuff. Please remember that.
I have spent all this past year beating myself up for X leaving, and feeling ashamed, like you, for "being made a fool of. " My C is going to work with me with EMDR on these things.
I did try saying to myself the other day: Even if it was ALL my fault--if it was scientifically proven that X was perfect and I was a lousy partner--what good would it do me to keep beating myself up with that?
Wouldn't I do better by saying, "fine! It was all my fault! What can I do BETTER next time? what can I learn and improve from this?"
I don't know if that helps as you ride this lousy roller-coaster, but I hope it does.
Each day has it's ups and downs--hold on and you will get through it.
aver,
Nobody is a perfect spouse. I wasn't, and I am sure you weren't. But that does not warrant abandonment. That is not your fault. That is HIS stuff. Please remember that.
I have spent all this past year beating myself up for X leaving, and feeling ashamed, like you, for "being made a fool of.
Amen.
Forgive me for posting this for the
umpteenth time:
"Keep telling yourself that you can heal from this. You are a good person.
No one deserves to be abandoned. Nothing you did warranted this kind of treatment from the person who promised to love you.
The issue lies within your spouse.
It is a flaw in them that has caused them to walk out on you.
You do deserve better treatment.
It is better to be alone and happy than to be with someone who would choose to leave."
Susan Anderson
The Journey From Abandonment To HealingPeace,
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine if a partner enhances your happy life, or weighs it down.
You and me both sol... Time to start taking care of you first.
Life throws the bad things at us to make the good things all the more worthwhile. Chin up!
Have had a really bad few past days. Migraine from hell for 3 days now, cannot sleep at night, bags under my eyes, waking up hourly crying.
This morning I texted H (I know, I know!) about how I don't want this D and how if he is happier being w/o me than with me, then while I don't agree with his decision, I respect it--that I love him so much I will let him go.
That was 3 hours ago and no response. Crickets.
It's sad. So many years together and now he's... where? Moving on. Without me. All weekend I kept feeling like all this is my fault, since I am the one who moved out. Maybe I waited too long to right this? Maybe he's met someone new.
I don't know. I didn't even go to work yesterday. Confined to my bed all day and kept crying all day long, in the morning, noon, in the shower, at night, waking up crying. I had a lab at class last night and felt hte tears welling in my eyes and had to stop it because my lab partners would prob think I am insane. I have a huge stress headache on the front of my head that won't go away. It feels like someone died.
We have court next Friday. I wouldn't wish D on anyone. Well, you guys can all relate, but for those who don't know it, I wish nothing of the sort on them.
My mother told me she went to look at some furniture this weekend (where H and I bought ours) and the owner there (knows our whole family) told her how sorry he was about me. I guess H had gone in there to buy all his new furniture and told him we're D'ing.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
Don't sell yourself short sol... He's treated you like crap and he cheated on you (right?) and he's choosing to go through this divorce. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! If he wanted to save your marriage he would have come after you.
You're in love with the idea of him... what you remember your relationship being. I made the same mistake. I loved the person I thought my H was, not what he is SHOWING me now.
You deserve someone who wants to be with you, better or worse. I know it hurts like hell that suddenly, he doesn't seem to want to anymore. But it's his loss. He's the one whose going to have to deal with the consequences of letting you go. You need to GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Make it wonderful for yourself! You're young and you have plenty of time to fall in love again with someone even better. I know it's hard to see right now. Hell, I have to give myself this pep talk several times a day, but you'll get there.
He won't be the last person you ever fall in love with. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
My new favorite quote - If you can't run, crawl. If you can't crawl, find someone to carry you.
We'll carry you!
I know it's hard to see right now. Hell, I have to give myself this pep talk several times a day, but you'll get there.
This made me smile, Brena. In fact, all of you have made me smile. Thanks to everyone who has posted here with your kind thoughts and words of wisdom and advice.
I know that both stbx and I hurt eachother and neither of us were the perfect spouse but I am proud that I'm not the one who chose D.
It's 5 hours later and he hasn't written me back. Maybe his L told him I finally retained a L, as well? It prob doesn't matter anymore but I really wonder if he is seeing someone.
My heart is heavy and feels like it's been ripped from my chest. Definitely the pain of heartbreak. Aw. I never thought he'd break my heart. Oh dear Gawd. I haven't had my heart broken since I was sixteen.
Sol, I'm just swamped today but wanted to send some words of encouragement.
I know it sucks and I know exactly how you feel. Heartbreaks suck! But in most cases we cause our own pain by having expectations of other people. Don't expect him to write you back and you'll feel better. You said to him what you wanted to say that's one thing but because you're expecting an answer back you're feel anxious and down. Don't do that to yourself. Next time don't say anything to him at all. Just post here instead. Tell us how you're feeling, tell us what you're going through...use us to channel or vent. He doesn't even deserve to know how you feel. After the way he's acted why do you want his sorry butt! I know it's hard for you to see it now as it was for me too for 5 long years but now I see it so clearly and wish I'd D'd STBXW years ago when she first left me.
Hang in there, you'll be OK. Take care of yourself! go see a doc if you need to.
(((Sol)))
I know it sucks and I know exactly how you feel. Heartbreaks suck!
"Heartbreaks suck" is going to be my new mantra! LOL.
Thank you for your words of encouragement & good idea on posting here instead of to him. I was doing pretty darn good about no contact until my relapse this morning.
Someone once posted to me that "trying was one thing, but trying with the expectation that "A" will result with "B" is a recipie for disaster."
It's amazing how much heartbreak hurts and effects us. I lost 20 lbs in this whole mess (might market that one)! I felt completely out of control of my emotions (still do from time to time). I seriously thought I'd die from it. It's a trauma. You're living through a traumatic experience. You'll probably carry scars from it and it may spring up in your memory from time to time, but you don't have to let it define who you are.
No one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. It's hard and you stumble from time to time. It's also a partnership and if he won't be a partner, then find someone who will. Don't give up on me now. We're the same age and I believe this isn't the end for either of us.
STAY POSTIVIE! YOU'RE DOING GREAT!!
((Sol))
Same as others here, I will say it will get better with time. Time is the key. It's been six months post divorce for me and it still hurts. But at least now I am going out dancing, dating and having some fun. You will get there.
Best thing to do is treat it like he died. My XW does the same thing your H is doing. No emotions there to be seen for anyone except her facebook fantasy friends. Don't expect anything from him. You no longer exist in his eyes. Grieve what you had and prepare for the inevitable.
Don't expect anything from him. You no longer exist in his eyes.
Gosh that is harsh but probably very true.
Btw, he never did text me back yesterday. I feel like a fool reaching out to him, telling him I don't want this D, that I think it's a mistake, that I want him to be happy and if that means not with me, then I respect that although I don't agree with it. Is it good or bad that I wrote him that?
And now he's blanking me. Why?
It's funny. You spend all these years with someone and then it's gone. Like it never happened. I'm wondering when he cut me out so much? Did it happen a long time ago or was this a recent revelation? I don't think I will ever love anyone like that again. I think a huge part of my faith in love is broken. I do not ever want to marry again, to give so much of myself like that again just so the other person can call it a "piece of paper." I cannot fathom "dating." Last night I was journaling in my apartment and crying my eyes out thinking all of this is my fault. That if I had tried more or not left or been a better W, cooked more, been more of a homebody that he wouldn't want a D. I feel very inadequate as a woman. I know that sounds strange but I feel less than. pretty bad Is there any way to find out if he's seeing someone when we don't live together?
(((Sol)))
You know the sooner you realize that you can't change other people the better it'll be for you. What he did is wrong...no one deserves to be abandoned this way but it's his choice and he'll have to live with that. He may not see it but his time will come when he will regret it. You can't change him by talking to him or explaining things to him in fact it'll make his resolv even stronger because you're showing your weakness. Of course, you ARE hurt, this IS hard, you didn't deserve this but life happens sometimes...
I don't think I will ever love anyone like that again.
I think many of us feel this way even after getting past the initial hurt and getting over our ex's. I feel the same way sometimes and it's sad because it'll be unfair to the new person you know? Having said that I think once you do find the one I think you will...over time.
Don't feel inadequate as a woman...funny you say that because I feel the same way right now due to something that happened recently but you gave him plenty and you did more than you give yourself credit for. Look, every relationship (not just marriage) has issues you don't turn your back on your siblings when you can't agree on something? or your parents because they're upset at you...you look beneath the surface to see why they're feeling or saying those things and you realize often times it's because they care about you. It's the same thing here...if he was unhappy then he should've said something or tried to go to counseling etc and not just turned his back and said goodbye-goodluck! that's just selfish and self-centered. They want you as long as they're happy and you're meeting their needs but the min you're not you're cut out without warning. That's BS.
You don't want to find out what he does in his life, it's his problem and it changes nothing for you but potentially causes you further pain. You know what they say 'if it hurts when you do something...then don't do it' - You really have to let him go at this point if it's meant to be he will come around. If not well your life is not defined by one person.
Don't think about dating or relationships too much right now- when the time comes you'll find your Ryan C Crest or whomever you think is hot :)for now just focus on what's in front of you, your school, getting through the D, getting back on your feet and your health.
Did you know that the human brain can usually only focus on 3 things at any given time? If you can think of three things or activities then you can give your mind a break from all this. Sometimes I just sit there and focus on my breathing, my heartbeat and the background noise which brings some relief and it gets better with some practice. Just something that might be helpful.
(((hugs)))
He may not see it but his time will come when he will regret it.
I secretly want this to happen (or not so secretly).
Don't feel inadequate as a woman...funny you say that because I feel the same way right now due to something that happened recently
Care to elabroate?
They want you as long as they're happy and you're meeting their needs but the min you're not you're cut out without warning. That's BS.
You are right. It's very selfish.
Don't think about dating or relationships too much right now- when the time comes you'll find your Ryan C Crest or whomever you think is hot
Ryan Seacrest is gay! LOL. Therefore does not quiver my lady parts. LOL. Now, Clive Owen... sure, I'd give that a shot. But in all seriousness, "dating or relationships" is not anywhere in my lexicon so this issue will not be a problem for me. This will take me a long time to get over. I know that and can feel it.
I will take you "think 3 different things at a time approach. Honestly I am tired of waking up eah day crying with a migraine thinking about how he's D'ing me. It's mentally exhausting. But it sure does hurt.
Romeo, thanks for all o fyour posts. You words have made a differece.
((((CantTouchThis-Romeo)))))
I know it is a VERY natural thought process to say "well, I could have been a better <insert line item here>" but really, everybody could be better at *something*, ya know?
WAS are very, very deficient people. And it's VERY easy to let their deficient mind rub off on us. I know you were a WAS but IIRC you did not just up and leave one day... you gave your H ample time to work on the marriage before you left.
When infidelity is involved it can make you (general you) question every fiber of your being. It can make you feel like less of a woman in every way. The LBS is feeling the lowest of the low and the WAS is feeling the highest of highs - it's a wicked combination and one that is not suited for communication of any sort.
Somehow though you have to power through it each day. It's a terrible, terribly burden FOR NOW but eventually it won't be so present. That is not to say you won't think of your H or be sad or have hard days but the immediate searing pain converts to wisdom of sorts.
I still cry! It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel. Each day gives us an amazing opportunity to try again!
Hey Sol, I don't really want to elaborate on it a whole lot but when others say or do some things to you that are hurtful and upsetting you just have to be the bigger person and learn to detach and move on.
Romeo, thanks for all o fyour posts. You words have made a differece.
That's a nice thing to say and I'm glad they made a difference for you.
Sorry didn't know about Ryan being gay but maybe he'll change when he meets you
LOL Clive Owen huh? well there you go, you'll meet your Clive Owen when you're ready. And yes it will take time to get over this but you know you can't always plan things or be too rigid...life throws opportunities at us and we can either embrace them or reject them.
They say 'you only live once...and if you play it right once is enough'
And Sol - you don't have to think about dating or heaven forbid getting married again (unless you want to of course!).
No matter what happened in the marriage that was less than ideal there also was a groove between two people. And that sort of groove may or may never happen again. But it's certainly not easy to wipe from your brain. One day I think we will figure out how to keep it in our brain in a healthy way but push it aside far enough to perhaps see if a new groove can be found.
It *is* overwhelming to think about and dealing with what is in front of you is step 1.
And.... boys are stoooooooooooooopid
And.... boys are stoooooooooooooopid
Hey! No they... well.... uh.... never mind....
Ha ha, Jeff!
It's too late to edit but I will say *some* boys are stupid (mainly Sol's H which is why I called him a boy!)
Some are a-okay
(((((CG)))))
I think even the okay ones can act stupid now and then! But then, don't we all?
<----- very stupid
We all have our moments!
Sol,
Your H has to demonize you to justify what he knows deep down inside HE DID wrong. It's that simple. If he can demonize you as a bad wife etc in his mind he feels justified for destroying the marriage. It's not about you really, it's about him easing his own guilt with his own mind.
He has to erase you from his life as if you never existed. My XW did the same thing. It's their way of coping with their own demons and guilt. It's not our problem. It's theirs to own!
I feel the same way about marriage now as you do. Never want that piece of paper ever again. It just makes me financially vulnerable to another person. Never again! But I do know I can love again. Maybe not as deeply as I did for my XW but who knows how we will feel years from now. Right now it is hard for me to trust my heart to somebody completely. I can but just not 100% yet. I am very guarded of my deeper emotions and never want to trust somebody that much ever again so I know exactly how you feel.
It may not be healthy but it is what it is. For now. Most of us here have membership jackets in the broken hearts club. What color do you want and what size? It will get better honey. Trust me. I never thought it would but I see now it will.
Reacting to something G450 wrote above -- about loving again but not as deeply.
I think someday I may fall even harder for someone. The more I look back and the more I see how STBXW began pulling away in 2002.
I lived so long with the knowledge that she was NEVER going to love me like I wanted. I felt stuck because I wanted so much more and tried and tried to draw it out of her. When she tells the girls she wasn't capable of giving me what I wanted ... I see more and more that that's true.
I'll never be 25 again and in the prime of my life ... but I may find someone who deep down does love me ... and if I do I may fall harder than ever.
That can happen to anyone. We're on this board for a reason. There is better out there.
Now for the legal side of things...: H's L wrote to my L about our mortgage and how if I sign deed over he'll cancel our court hearing next week. Well DUH. That's all he wants. But he stupidly sent over a YEAR-OLD statement. I called on my own and found out H is so lying about what he says he owes. What a nut. My L advised I sign deed over and we'll deal with other support stuff later. I wrote him back telling him to request current info and I am willing to negotiate if a, b, and c... I noticed H's L did not answer one single request my L had for him about what I want/my concerns. Nice, yeah? D is nuts.
I feel the same way about marriage now as you do. Never want that piece of paper ever again. Right now it is hard for me to trust my heart to somebody completely. I am very guarded of my deeper emotions and never want to trust somebody that much ever again so I know exactly how you feel.
Oh I so do love this post. It's how I feel. We are "feeling" twins. LOL. Yes it will take me a looong time to get over this. I can feel it in my bones. Being rejected by your spouse is the biggest cherry of all cherries on top of a massive ice cream.
Most of us here have membership jackets in the broken hearts club. What color do you want and what size?
I'll take a small blue bomber jacket, thank you.
I lived so long with the knowledge that she was NEVER going to love me like I wanted. I felt stuck because I wanted so much more and tried and tried to draw it out of her.
Can so relate. When I think back I see a lot of me wanting affection from him that he just wasn't willing to give. Even in MC, he said he wouldn't do X-thing because it wasn't him. The MC told him taht it would be so much better if he were willing, etc.
Sol, why does your L think it's a good idea to sign the deed over so early on when nothing really has been discussed? Has he given you reasons why this will be a good idea? I'm wondering if he's just being lazy or has he really thought about the pros and cons and your legal rights?
That's what I was wondering and specifically told him "We are negotiating my life here." He thinks there isn't much equity on our home. I don't mind signing house over to stbx but I want to get something out of it, ya know? My L said I could sign a quick deed over to him and then be relieved of all financial responsibilities from in the future and we will deal with support stuff later. I told him to email me a clear plan of how he'd go about doing that.
He thinks there isn't much equity on our home.
He needs to find out for sure and two if it means so much to your H why give it up without using it as a bargaining chip for what you want? What's the rush? Just say we're willing to sign over the deed as long as he gives you xyz.
I told him to email me a clear plan of how he'd go about doing that.
Perfect!
Just say we're willing to sign over the deed as long as he gives you xyz.
Yea he has already stated that to my H's L. And already advised I will be seeking some $ at the hearing that now my H said he will cancel if I sign said deed. My L has a copy of how much our home is worth, and it has a negative equity. That it makes sense to sign over, etc. He said about my H's L "he seems to be ignorant about certain divorce matters and he basically ignored my letter regarding a settlement on support." B/c of the negative equity he says it make sense to sign it over and request something that states I'm relieved of any libaility on the house in the future and that support may be dealt with later.
Do you guys think if I sign the deed over lickety split that a judge would be in favor of granting me some sort of $/settlment at final D hearing? Maybe he will think it's unfair my H got house and I got some furniture?
They say you never know someone until you live with them but I think you never know someone until you divorce them. Haha.
Sol - your last post really has me concerned.
While your home might have negative equity it is still a bargaining tool that will give you leverage.
I am stunned your attny would suggest you sign it over and then say support may be requested at a later date. You don't GIVE UP something until you GET something.
You don't hand over your biggest asset (and even with negative equity it is still an asset) in the hopes you might get something in return if you ask.
If your H and his attny are not responding to the documents you and your attny are sending as per the time frame established by state law then use legal procedures to get them to respond.
The judge isn't going to by "fair". They are going to go by state law and I am going to guess you don't live in a fault based state.
I would urge you to educate yourself on state law.
My C always says the true nature of what people really are comes out in a divorce.
What CG said!
I hate to say this but your L doesn't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed either that or he's such a genius that I don't understand his logic lol
Signing over something without getting something in return is NOT how the negotiations work. It's tit for tat.
Also, don't just ask for something from the house either. Use the house as the bargaining chip for EVERYTHING you want. Tell your L:
"I will surrender all interests and debts in the property (Address: blah blah) to be solely H's. In return I will take a lump sump payment of $xx in cash and I will keep my car (make/model/year) free and clear etc"
THEN you deal with the support payments as a separate issue.
My C always says the true nature of what people really are comes out in a divorce.
Amen to that!
"I will surrender all interests and debts in the property (Address: blah blah) to be solely H's. In return I will take a lump sump payment of $xx in cash and I will keep my car (make/model/year) free and clear etc".
Good advice from both of you. Thank you. Romeo, I emailed my L back stating what you wrote above. That I will sign deed over in exchange for X. Let's see how it shakes out. My L was very adamant saying the home has zero equity and it's a liability, not an asset.
CG, this is a no-fault state but he filed initially with the divorce by bed and board (separation) on grounds of 'abandonment.'
(insert joke here)
Falalalala getting divorce and actually today not having such a bad day. LOL.
Nobody is debating the fact that your home has zero equity. But you do need to think a step further - if you buy a new home you will need to come up with a down payment, closing costs, insurance, inspection and attny's fees. Or you can stay in a home that has little to no equity without shelling out thousands to get started again in a new home.
Your attny needs to be looking at the "now" and the future. Forget the equity as that is a moot point. Basically your H gets to stay in a home (and what happens when the market turns around or he gets a raise and can get the home out of the negative) with *some* possibility. You on the other hand get nothing EXCEPT the knowledge that you will have to save for a long time to even get in a home.
He gets the house - you get money. Period. Do NOT use any other item (car, support) to negotiate about the house.
Do NOT use any other item (car, support) to negotiate about the house.
Good point but it depends on the amount of money Sol is asking for. If it's a sinking property I'd rather her not take it and get a few other things in return along with a cash payment. He'd be more than willing to let her keep other 'property' than handing her a big lump sump cash. If he feels cornered he'd say 'fine let's sell the house and we'll divide things up that way' which is probably something to avoid. I know I'd do that if STBXW asks for too much.
Personally I see the property division as one item (house, cars etc), cash, retirement, equity accounts as a second item and spousal support as a third item. And hopefully it's done.
A car can hardly be a comparable asset to a home. Clearly all attnys work in different ways but my attny said that cross over negotiations set you up for a loss.
EX: D got our car and in exchange I got a lump sum equal to what the car cost the day we bought it.
The car had nothing to do with the other "line items" in our settlement. Perhaps the difference in state law makes one strategy more sensible than the other.
Too bad if he feels cornered. He can't "decide" to sell a house that he only half "owns". We aren't here to make Mr. Sol comfortable. We (attny) are here to make sure Sol gets exactly what she needs for her future.
He already shook her down for a green card - patterns of manipulation tend to repeat themselves and while the court may not notice it - it is just another bargaining tool to pull out.
And really - had Sol not signed for the green card all of this would be moot as he would not even be in the country! The only reason he is IN the house is because of Sol!
Sol's H had Sol sign for the green card under false pretenses. That is very, very serious as far as immigration is concerned. I bet if *that* is presented in the proper legal way cash would be flying around faster than any of us could blink.
We (attny) are here to make sure Sol gets exactly what she needs for her future.
I should have hired you guys as my lawyers! Hey CG and Romeo--if your careers don't work out, you'd make fine divorce attys.
And really - had Sol not signed for the green card all of this would be moot as he would not even be in the country! The only reason he is IN the house is because of Sol!
Sol's H had Sol sign for the green card under false pretenses.
I really hate thinking about this beause it makes my skin crawl. I won't even go there. Never will I ever forget when that happened. This was also right around the time he told me he wanted to do MC after vehemently saying NO to going (for a year). Then a few months later he sat me down to tell me he'd in fact had GC for months and oh by the way, I f-cked some girl I met and took home at the same place I took you to the night I asked you to go to MC with me (well, he didn't say it in those words but you know...)
Sol - I can't imagine how painful the green card experience was. IMO your H should be sent soaking wet to the electric chair for that stunt. I know you don't want to think about it but it does really give you tangible evidence your H can't be trusted. Untrustworthy people tend to gravitate to untrustworthy attnys when choosing counsel.
Honestly, your attny sounds like a flake and pretty soft given the circumstances but then again I don't know the laws that govern your state so perhaps that is an unfair assessment.
No matter what state you are in (general you) I would urge anybody to really educate themselves to some degree on the individual state laws that govern them. Relying on an attny is fine but IMO the entire process will be "easier" if you are aware of all the ins and outs.
Sol, it's very hurtful but I don't think it was the only reason he married you. I don't think anyone can be that shallow. I'm sure he loved you for all your great qualities but then he strayed but no matter the reasons it hurts to be abandoned.
You could use the GC stuff as a way to keep him in check because it really could turn into a potential legal/immigration matter but I don't think this is about getting even. To me this is more about you. Even if he gets deported or thrown in jail does that help you move forward in your life? Temporarily it'll feel great but later? I don't know.
I too have the dirt on STBXW but I'd rather not use it unless it's *absolutely* necessary and even then I'd think about it twice. It's just not me and I don't want to become her.
I agree, CG will make a *fine* attny
I never (nor would I) suggest Sol use the immigration ordeal (green card) to get even. That would be childish. I suggested she keep in firmly planted in her mind when her attny suggests they give in and hope for the best. Sol already went that route and her H did not hold up to his end of the deal. To think he will change his ways now is foolish. Just like D won't change his ways.
While it is a very series matter from a legal standpoint it also, as I mentioned above, exhibits a pattern of behavior. When such damaging patterns are established you can't go by a "wing and a prayer" and hope somehow this narcissist will start playing fair.
It's not about using the action against him. It's about using knowledge you have about his character to plan and execute a strategy.
And Sol - I am using the green card issue like I would use any of our issues (affairs, leaving the marriage multiple times or any other serious matter).
You're right CG- I was responding to Sol's comment:
I really hate thinking about this beause it makes my skin crawl. I won't even go there.
I don't want Sol to feel he married her for a GC. Just from what Sol writes here I can tell she's a very kind, loving woman and some day she'll make some lucky guy very happy. So I was simply stating that while at times it may seem that way he didn't just marry her for a GC- he married her for all her wonderful qualities...which he took advantage of inappropriately.
However, he did act in a very selfish manner like most WASs do therefore I agree with you that there shouldn't be any hope of him acting in a different manner through this D process.
Edit: geez, that didn't make any sense...hopefully this does. lol
Oh, totally... I am sorry, I misread.
Sol - of course your H did not just marry you for the green card! I am sorry if my posts implied that!
I was talking about the divorce aspect of it NOT why he married you!
^ I read what you wrote as that way, too. I don't think he M'ed me for a GC but sometimes I question his motives. My mother completely believes that's why he married me. LOL. You know moms. Always protecting their DDs.
As for the GC, I would not use that against him ever or try to get him deported or put in jail. That is just not my style. He can keep it. This part of my life is over. My Mr. Sol chapter. Done. Over. Out.
My atty just sent me some more stuff. Contesting the D. Yipee!
Today I am not wallowing in despair over him. I am angry. And that makes me happy in a weird way. I have been feeling so f-cked up for the past week in the head, waking up every single morning thinking, WTH happened? Today I do not like his character. And that is progress in a weird way.
Wait.. HE is contesting the divorce? He is the one that filed for the divorce! He is contesting what he wanted? I must be reading this wrong or he really is crazy!
No, no. I am contesting him wanting me to hand him the world on a silver platter.
That would be hilarious though, CG. And the day is not over yet so ya never know... hahhahaha
Who's contesting who now? I can't keep up- I know: try to keep up IR, right?
How about the three of us get a private suite and hash this out over drinks
I am contesting his requests.
I hear you on the drinks. We can have a a martini and call it the "Survivitini." With MC Hammer's "Can't touch this" playing in the background. Ha!
Well, I'm glad you are contesting. You tried to work things out in a far more gentle manner and your H CHOSE not to cooperate so contest away! Maybe once he sees you are not fooling around he will wise up and perhaps see the benefit of working WITH you instead of against you.
It took my H 18 months to get that concept through his thick skull. He finally understood the night before our trial. Funny what motivates people to get on board.
Hopefully this will be a positive turning point for the legal side of things. If not, well, use your resources. A voodoo curse or two never hurt
With MC Hammer's "Can't touch this" playing in the background. Ha!
I'm sure you would've changed "your tune" after the martinis
^ LOL.
My L is filing a motion today for court. So now the house and support issues will be up to the judge to decide. I am kind of antsy/worried about this. I vacillate over whether to sign the house over to H or not and be done with it. I found that house. So...the future of us post-marriage will be left in the hands of a judge. My L says he doubts the judge will rule that I have to pay on the mortgage. I am very curious as to how he will rule. I remember picking H up to drive and go see it after months of house shopping. He said, This looks like it could be pretty good, Sol. And now... well you know the rest.
Am off to a wedding tonight. One of my best girlfriends is tying the knot. This couple was at my wedding, too. Thank God for an open bar.
Sol, has your L made a settlement offer to the opposing counsel on your behalf like we talked about yesterday? i.e. you can sign the house over if you get xyz. If you have then the judge should take into consideration your needs/wants too.
Typically filing a motion will usually result in him settling with you before the matter goes in front of the judge unless he's pretty sure he can get the judge to decide in his favor or he just wants to play chicken.
I don't know if this has been covered or not and I read your thread from time to time but:
My EXH deeded the house to me but his name is still on the mortgage so he is still as responsible as ever if I default on the morgtage. It was a gamble he took. So if your name is on the bank morgtage deeding the house over will NOT release you from that liability.. not by mortgage company anyways. He would need to refinance in his name to have that happen.
Sol, has your L made a settlement offer to the opposing counsel on your behalf like we talked about yesterday? i.e. you can sign the house over if you get xyz. If you have then the judge should take into consideration your needs/wants too.
I sent my L an email saying this. That way when we go to court, it will be in writing for the the judge's consideration.
Now we'll see what happens.
So if your name is on the bank morgtage deeding the house over will NOT release you from that liability.. not by mortgage company anyways.
Hey Sandy.
My name is not on the mortgage, only his is. But we are both on the deed.
Journaling:
I had great fun at the wedding on Friday. It was so nice and a couple of people asked me about J and I told them we are getting a D. It's funny bc one friend asked me "How is marriage going?" and I told her and she seemed more uncomfortable than I did when I responded! It gave me a little chuckle. I only said "We are separated and getting a D. But we had 7 wonderful years together." I will not slam him. I think it's better this way.
Had a lab for school yesterday morning and was telling my (cute) lab partner how I'd been to a wedding the night before. He says, "I don't know why people get married. I got D'ed 2 years ago and highly doubt I'd ever do it again." More chuckles. LOL.
Saw my IC. Perfect timing since I had a lot on my mind. I think I will look into depression meds. It was so nice talking to IC.
So remember how I told you guys that Monday morning of last week when I was having an awful time, I texted H?
My text:
Morning H. I do not want this D. This has been a crazy past year but I don't feel it's enough to throw away all of our years together. I still love you and know you still love me. If this is what you truly want then I'd rather see you happy & alone or happy with someone else & not be unhappy w/ me. I feel that we're making a mistake despite hurting eachother a lot. This is not what I want but I do want you to be happy and if you are happier without our M, then I respect that although I don't agree with it. I love you so much that I am willing to see you go if that's what makes you happiest.What do you guys think of that text? Five days go by with no response and at the wedding Fri night I check my texts and he writes:
You may be right. This is living well. Life is to f-ck up.?
I did not respond (and don't plan to). Your interpretations are welcome.
I don't know why but in my bones, in my core, I feel that he is seeing someone, though he has said he is not over and over again. Maybe it's the 23 year old club girl?
Huge party at my parents' house today for the holiday. Looking forward to that.
My interpretation... Your H is as big a jerk as mine. I don't know how long your into this whole process Sol, but been there, done that. Now I look back at myself and just want to beat the crap out of myself for pleading for him to come back to me.
"you may be right" means that he's happiest gone.
"This is living well" means he's having a gay old time without commitment.
"Life is to f-ck up" means he wants to f-ck up and deal with the consequences later.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Make a new life for yourself without this A-hole! In fact, join me in my plans for freedom! New Years in NY, Mardi Gras in February, and some place in Europe next summer.
Keep yourself busy with things that make you happy. You deserve better than the way this guy is treating you. Learn from this experience.
FYI - my H told me AGAIN this morning he's not involved with OW anymore... Dumb a$$ left his e-mail open on the computer AGAIN and they're planning to move in together. signing off "I love you"
No matter what he says, no matter what you WANT to believe, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Don't let yourself be taken for a ride like me.
Sol, glad to hear you had a good time at the wedding. See you're making great progress...you could talk about your sitch without much trouble. That's a good sign!
I won't even bother mind-reading the greek he wrote. He wants you to feel more confused that's my take on it. He likes playing these games. If he has something to say why not be a man and say it without mincing words. But it doesn't matter what he says or does anyway...they're liars and even in the book Michele says 'don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do' - that says you something right there.
Also as I've said before Sun who cares what he does in his life? it changes nothing for you. You have to focus on your life from here on out. They're one messed up kind of people who do horrible things and yes seeing other people is not too far fetched to expect from them. But you can't tell him how he should live his life just like he can't tell you how you should live yours! So don't torture yourself by worrying about things you can't control. Make your life comfortable and fun for you. That should be your priority.
Now on to more important things...
A cute lab partner who's been divorced? care to ellaborate?
I'm wondering if someone's been keeping secrets!
What are you studying btw? I mean in class not in the lab
And yes I don't think I'll get married again either...but you know...I like to think I'm flexible enough that for the right person/reasons I might. I don't want to come out of this so jaded that I can't see another woman without doubting her.
Enjoy your party!
I think H's message is "whatever you say, just leave me alone and let me screw up my life" So, do it. Leave him be, you've said your piece (I think we all do at some point) and now you need to let it go. Somehow in our brains we seem to think that if we just find the right words a light will go on in the spouses head and they'll say "Holy sh!t, what have I been thinking!" and realize the error of their ways...uh uh, never happens. I remember writing my wife a letter at one point, sure she cried but it didn't change a damn thing but I felt that at least I'd said what I needed to say, so have you.
Btw, sounds like you handled the wedding situation incredibly well. You are absolutely right not to bad mouth your spouse to others, it's the right thing to do. What happened is nobody's business except those you are closest to. Good job.
Somehow in our brains we seem to think that if we just find the right words a light will go on in the spouses head and they'll say "Holy sh!t, what have I been thinking!"
Bingo. Me exactly. We're all like this.
Somehow in our brains we seem to think that if we just find the right words a light will go on in the spouses head and they'll say "Holy sh!t, what have I been thinking!"
Bingo. Me exactly. We're all like this.
Next we look in the mirror and say "Holy Sh!t, what have I been thinking!"
Somehow in our brains we seem to think that if we just find the right words a light will go on in the spouses head and they'll say "Holy sh!t, what have I been thinking!"
Bingo. Me exactly. We're all like this.
Next we look in the mirror and say "Holy Sh!t, what have I been thinking!"
Wii, whatever it is you've been thinking I'm sure it's personal...let's keep it that way
^ Haha. Yes we do all have that moment where it's like, What the hell was I putting up with for so long?
Had a lovely weekend. I did not respond to stbx's Fri "living well text" ever and last night he texted me this:
I'm not happy and I never will be. I feel depressed and empty... And love was never the problem. I never lost the love for you....so he loves me so much he's D'ing me? What in the world? I didn't respond to that text either. Should I? What would I say? I feel bad that he's feeling bad yet at the same time, he is divorcing me. We have court in four days re: the home/$ which will set the tone for our D.
Advice?
YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Make a new life for yourself without this A-hole! In fact, join me in my plans for freedom! New Years in NY, Mardi Gras in February, and some place in Europe next summer.
Hey, now. This sounds like a lot of fun. I have never been to Nawleans!
If he has something to say why not be a man and say it without mincing words.
...Is what I'm saying!
A cute lab partner who's been divorced? care to ellaborate?
I'm wondering if someone's been keeping secrets!
What are you studying btw? I mean in class not in the lab
Hehe. Not keeping secrets. I just started this class 2 weeks ago and that was my 1st lab. This guy just walked up to me and asked me if he could use my book and we decided to work together. I had never met him before. But it doesn't hurt to have an attractive lab partner. I am studying for n ursing, btw.
Leave him be, you've said your piece (I think we all do at some point) and now you need to let it go.
Noted! I do feel better for saying my piece. I agree with you all about how we think we can find the right words and some miracle will happen but well... it doesn't. Oh well. C'est la vie. It's still nice to get the words off our chests.
^
Had a lovely weekend. I did not respond to stbx's Fri "living well text" ever and last night he texted me this:
I'm not happy and I never will be. I feel depressed and empty... And love was never the problem. I never lost the love for you.
Sounds familiar sol... my H says he's not happy about the D either and it's "not what he wants"... Love was never our problem either he says... Loves me SO MUCH!!
These words are empty sol... it's not what he says, it's what he does. He's telling you this stuff b/c he wants to feel better about himself. Be stronger than me! STOP TALKING/TEXTING/ETC HIM!! cut yourself loose! it gets harder as time goes on!!
You have to decide that you're worth it. I spent a lot of time trying to get someone to love me who treated me like crap. When I asked my H for a D... I'd finally made the decision that I would fight for me because I was worth it. I really wanted him to fight for me, but since he wouldn't DO IT (he SAID he would lots of times but never DID), I decided that I would.
You are worth it. Nursing school!?! Congratulations! That is wonderful! Flirt it up with the hottie lab partner!!
Exactly - the more you listen to his BS (and make no mistake about it, it's all BS) the further down you will spiral.
All talk and no action - pretty typical for a WAS. As I have mentioned, my H is one of the finest BS artists of all time. Do not allow your H to refine his "art" any further.
People that put their spouses through hell and then decide at the 11th hour to proclaim "this isn't what they want" or very, very cruel individuals. If he doesn't want "this" the person he should be calling is his attny, not you. Actions speak MUCH louder than words.
These idiots will tell you "divorce is my only option but I don't want it" LOL! It's ridiculous. That is equivalent to saying "well, I don't REALY want to blow my head off but I am going to anyway".
These idiots will tell you "divorce is my only option but I don't want it" LOL! It's ridiculous. That is equivalent to saying "well, I don't REALY want to blow my head off but I am going to anyway".
Hilarious! I love this analogy!! It is ridiculous!
So the general consensus is not to respond, right? Should I just wait til court on Friday?
My brain must be f-cked because I feel bad that he's feeling bad. I really do not wish him any ill will. It does confuse me when he says he is living well, that "life is to f-ck up," then tells me he is depressed/will never be happy/love isn't the problem/he didn't lose "love" for me. Is that another way of saying "ILBINILWY?" just with different words?
CG, I remember you posting on here one time about how your ex would not respond to anything regarding the D until it was the night before of which he agreed to a settlment. Madness!
The only reason he agreed to the settlement was if he had not we would have gone to trial. The trial would have included him and his mistress which I supposed he realized would not be a sexy way to start off the weekend!
Your H is guilty. He wants you to feel bad enough for him so when court rolls around he can be the victim.
Until your H says to you "sol, I called off the divorce and I want to see if we can work on our R in a real way" don't listen to his BS.
My H e-mailed me at 6:30am y'day to tell me he hurt his knee. He is in mind numbing pain and he will probably have to be on medication. He e-mailed me while OW was sleeping in the other room. He wants my help, the name of dr's, what meds should he take. My point in telling you this.. don't get sucked in!
Sol, your brain is fine, it's normal to feel bad for them. It happens for a while and then as you move forward you stop feeling that way less and less.
No need to respond to his BS. And wait for what till the Fri court date? What exactly is supposed to take place on Fri?
^ As for Friday, I should have clarified -- Friday is the motion hearing (2 days, ah!) I was asking whether I should text him back before that day (regarding his depression/emptiness/"I never lost love for you"- to me). I never wrote him back and feel kinda bad and weird about that.
The trial would have included him and his mistress which I supposed he realized would not be a sexy way to start off the weekend!
He e-mailed me while OW was sleeping in the other room.
Oh dear GAWD. Seriously? And you are right, trial wouldn't have been very romantical for them.
I love how he is constantly texting you with her around. WTH?!
This gave me a chuckle. :
: Thanks.
It's weird. The timeclock is winding down and a year has gone by but it doesn't even feeling like it. Feel like I've been stuckin a time vacuum for the past year. Like the world has continued spinning, yet my life has been at a hilt/stop. It's weird.
And because the drama never ends...
last night H and I are texting and he says "It's difficult to imagine not seeing you and not being able to be with you."
WHY? It's HIS choice? WTF? Then he says how he misses holding me and sleeping with me.
I had a dream where he was with someone else. I did NOT sleep well at all.
Everything he is saying sounds like someone in a damn affair, right??? I just wish I knew 100%. I wonder if he's going to regret this. He has torn my heart and and then tells me all this mushy BS. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Court tomorrow.
Oh God. And now he just texts me again that he didn't sleep good last night with a frown face-->
Someone out there, please write me back on this post.
Should I say anything? Do I tell him to please stop because he's
BREAKING MY HEART??????????? It's like a slow torture!
Every word, every text, mush.
My head is in 8 different places today and my heart is heavy. I think I may go home early from work today. I am barely functional.
(((((soleil)))))
Don't answer! He could be having second thoughts, maybe. But at this point they are just drama. If he wants something to change, he needs to be the one taking real action, not trying to get you to bite on little comments! I think he is trying to put you in the position of being responsible for everything. And he needs to take some responsibility.
Sol,
You aren't D O N E, neither is STBX. Otherwise, he wouldn't be texting and you wouldn't be trying to manage him.
His behavior is not working for you. Set a boundary.
"Unless you choose to try to woo me into being your significant other with charm, care, wit, and hot sex, these texts are inappropriate and not OK. And, FWIW, I am not wooable by men who are not free to woo."
Sol, sorry jumping in late but I agree with the above comments. What you should tell him is something like:
"Sorry you're feeling this way but really what's the point of all these talks now? You've clearly decided you don't want me in your life, fine, I get it. And perhaps you're right- it is for the best."
That's it. I'm almost certain he's worrying about the court date tomorrow and potentially does miss you since he probably lost one of his best friends. But he can't see any weakness in you, he needs to prove by action that he wants you back not words. Words are cheap.
(((hugs)))
First, thank you ALL for responding. I was having a mini meltdown since early a.m. this morning. There aren't enough words to describe how thankful I am to all of you. Always here for me countless times when I most need it! You guys are angels.
I did not write him back about not sleeping well. I was tempted to write him that maybe ti's best we don't communicate right now but I didn't write anything.
My L advised me H's L will not respond at all w/ regards to sharing financial statements/records. H's L also tried to schedule a final hearing and my L told him he opposed that since he has file it through a docket or something (legal speak).
How the hell can his L try to set a final trial date if we haven't even figured out a PSA? Grr.
So I need to fill out some info for my L and tomorrow I'll be seeing my H in court should nothing happen before then. Funny how life is. I still remember kissing him after we were pronounced married like it was yesterday. My hair was long and flowing and... nostalgia is such [censored]. LOL.
I think he is trying to put you in the position of being responsible for everything. And he needs to take some responsibility.
I think you're right.
"Unless you choose to try to woo me into being your significant other with charm, care, wit, and hot sex, these texts are inappropriate and not OK. And, FWIW, I am not wooable by men who are not free to woo."
This response was cute and brought a smile to my face. What is FWIW, by the way?
"Sorry you're feeling this way but really what's the point of all these talks now? You've clearly decided you don't want me in your life, fine, I get it. And perhaps you're right- it is for the best."
Words are cheap.
Words are cheap and divorce is expensive.
Ain't that the damn truth?
Sigh.
FWIW = for what it's worth
FWIW, I don't like Romeo's suggestion. It invites R talk. It tells him what he's decided -- not a good idea. It closes the door on reconciliation at the same time. It sends very mixed/punitive/blaming messages yet is pursuing at the same time.
Sorry Romeo, I appreciate the caring attempt, but from a much greater distance from this stuff, it looks like a bad idea.
My suggestion sets a clear boundary, Sol's H doesn't get to keep burdening her emotionally and messing with her head. At the same time, it leaves the door open a crack, and puts the onus on him to act, not talk and whine.
Is it best just not to respond at all and just see him in court tomorrow morning?
I think so. If he wants to say something, let him say it. I think he is kind of playing a game. He can drop hints like that, and then pretty much claim they didn't mean anything.
Do you think any communication right now is going to help?
It depends on whether you want to show him that there is a way for him to come back or not. Since you are quite obviously not done, and he is trying to get something from you with these texts, why not show him the door isn't locked, but leave it up to him whether or not to open it and walk back through...
Sol - I'm not sure what to tell you. On one hand I am suspicious of your H. My H did the same thing before court.
In fact, now that our proceedings are about to start again my H is doing it to me again. I kid you not, he e-mailed me y'day and asked why I am adamant about getting a divorce? I mean.. other than the fact his affair is going on year THREE and they live together... who wouldn't want a husband like that? LOL!
You don't have to respond to him right now - as in this minute. Step back for an hour or two.
why not show him the door isn't locked, but leave it up to him whether or not to open it and walk back through...
How? With what words? Advise me. I have told him 8 thousand times I do not want a D. That I am willing to work on M. That I want him to be happy, even if that doesn't include me in his future. 2 weeks ago he's telling me how we can work on R after the D, that our M is just a piece of paper, then he buys all new furniture for the house. Now he said he isn't happy/won't ever be happy and I told him I wish there was something I could do to make him happy. That was met by him saying how he can't imagine being without me, etc, that love isn't the problem, etc.
I feel torn. Like maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. What about me? and I do hear CG loud and clear about being suspicious. Yet as retarded as it is, I still love him.l I really think I need to have my head examined.
Ladies and gentlemen...I wouldn't wish any of our sitches on anyone.
I don't think a D is the end of the world. Lots of people remarry or get back together after a D. I think once someone's filed for a D and you've told them many times you don't want it then from your perspective it should be over. All this talk does nothing really but shows your feelings or weakness. My response basically said this to him...that it's too late for these talks, he knows you never wanted this but now you've accepted it- so if he's having second thoughts then prove it.
The thing is talking in these situations never changed anything, it's about actions. You have to show him with your actions that you're fine moving on and only then he'll really understand what it's like to lose you. Only then he might take actions that will speak to YOU in a way that shows that he really does want you back. Just words alone don't mean much.
All this might be nothing more than just some temperature checking for tomorrow's court date.
So, perhaps it is best to not respond at all.
Don't tell him you don't want a D, don't tell him what you are willing to do.
Put the ball in his court, but show you are willing to play.
That was the message I intended with my suggestion...
Sol, I feel pissed just knowing that you have to listen to this crap from him! He ends the M, despite your wishes, and now you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he'll "never be happy again" blah blah blah...OMG, I wanna puke!
Sol... all this sounds like what I'm going through now. Remember? He says "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, I'll miss talking to you..." BLAH BLAH BLAH!!
Just words sol... if he didn't want this D he'd make it happen. Words are cheap, actions are meaningful. Until he spouts the words "I don't want a D" and then pulls the paperwork, asks for you to move back in, and goes to marriage counseling... let him suffer!
I know its hard to do that right now because you still love him and don't like seeing people you care about hurting. You are a good person. What did he do when you were hurting from all this? Didn't he say "life was to F&^% up"? He made the mess... don't try to clean it up for him! What will he learn if you do all the heavy lifting?
Saving a marriage isn't easy and loosing one isn't either. You have to decide what you're worth. Look at yourself in the mirror... Then think of the woman you were 10 years ago... would she recognize you now? I did that. The 10 year ago me would have kicked the crap out of me today for letting a man treat me so badly for so long...
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Keep your head up! If you need to, make a list of all the crappy things he's done to you during this process and let it get you good and pissed before the hearing!
"Sol, I feel pissed just knowing that you have to listen to this crap from him! He ends the M, despite your wishes, and now you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he'll "never be happy again" blah blah blah...OMG, I wanna puke!"
Wii, I'm used to hearing this from relative newbies, but surprised to hear it from you.
Where is there room for compassion or understanding?
If a WAS doesn't demonstrate emotion, they are evil and heartless. If a WAS demonstrates emotion, they are selfish and stupid. What is wrong with this picture? It shows closed-minded, prejudgment. There is nothing in the LBS's eyes a WAS can do and be judged "decent" for it. What is wrong with that picture? In the end, there really isn't much difference between a WAS and an LBS except timing and the ability of LBSs to exercise wild amounts of denial, with the WAS tending to more fear of facing reality and running away rather than denying it and sticking with it.
We make hard choices in are lives, some with difficult, even devastating costs. Sometimes those are the choices we have to make. Anyone who thinks that we can live our lives making choices that don't have costs we regret is someone lacking in age, wisdom or compassion. Even when we choose the best thing, sometimes that thing has costs that are excruciating to bear. That is part of the life of a human.
Divorce isn't an easy choice, it is hard on everyone, and the WAS has to carry the burden of putting it in motion even though hindsight shows most Ms that make it to these boards are better off dead. I WANT MY $2.
Explain the previous sentence and you win a prize.
The "us" "them" mentality around here has grown to ridiculous levels. Everyone involved hurts. Everyone involved loved. Everyone involved wishes the M had worked. Everyone.
"Everyone involved wishes the M had worked."
To clarify, I don't think that all WASs and all LBSs want there Ms back or would even try to reconcile. I don't, I wouldn't, I'm glad that my first M ended in divorce. Why? Because now I see the problems in the M, the mismatch, the lackings, the things that would never go away. Life is much better now.
Now, I certainly wish neither I nor XH had to go through D. But it is an odd sort of wish, it would be a wish to have never been married the first time, or a wish to have been married to someone else, someone with whom the M would have worked.
But, I have no doubt that when XH and I got married, we both very much wanted a successful happy marriage with each other. Losing that hurts the LBS and the WAS, allow the WASs their pain, allow them their grief. It is just as real and tragic as the LBSs. Hating is a short-term fix -- a drug that helps the LBS with the pain and loss, but hating isn't healing.
Sol, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope things go well in court today.
Let us know.
(((hugs)))
Hello DBers.
Thanks for all of your advice & hugs.
I never did text or call H.
Went to court this morning *looked pretty nice, I might say* and H was there with his L. I smiled and said hi. Waited for my L. In the courtroom everyone stood up to say how long their case would take. They were all 1-2 minutes (about 10 cases) and then H's L stood up and said ours would take 30. From that point, my L and I stepped out of courtroom to discuss our case/strategy and 2 minutes later, H appears with his L who advised us the judge will not hear our case today and has ordered it be heard on a different day. WTH. My L tells him this is incredible since they are the ones who filed the motion and for the D. H's L is very rude, btw. My L said something to him and he asked him if he was talking to him. Seriously. So our Ls went together to get a new court date and H was standing there and wouldn't look at me and had a very angry look on his face. I know that face so well. H's L keeps saying how this could all end if I just sign the house over to him. My L said it could all end if we reached a settlement.
My L said he thinks maybe when we walked out H's L said something to the judge and/or wasn't prepared and/or didn't think I'd show up and call his bluff and/or knew he would lose case (H wants me to pay half of the mortgage when he has a significantly higher income).
I was so nervous walking in there and my heart was palpitating really fast and my knees felt locked and I walked out of there wishing I were D'ed.
Funny that.
So ... no court til November now.
(((Sol))) That is so hard, ugh.
Please really try to take care of yourself through this. It isn't OK for H to jerk you around emotionally. I have no doubt that he is sincere about his pain and regret. BUT he doesn't get to rely on you for support. Those are his problems to work out in his own life. Right now, there is no R for the two of you to work out that makes resolving his feelings in the context of that R part of your job. If he shows through actions that he is seeking that kind of R with you, at that point it is up to you to consider whether or not you are interested. But no matter what happens, your job is always to protect yourself, own your choices, don't be a victim. Set some boundaries. Take good care.
Yeah I am getting to the point where I'm like, WTF am I holding onto? I loooooooooove this man and loved him with all my heart but the dynamic has changed for me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
If he contacts me I will tell him I feel it's really inappropriate after all this BS. He wanted his greencard, he got it. He wanted to divorce, he's getting it. He wanted out of MC, he cancelled it. He wants the house, he'll probably get it, he wanted to move his family in w/ us and never give me a dime for the extra costs, he did it. I prayed a lot for him all this week. I have no idea why (lol) but I did. Maybe he is with the blow job girl. I don't care anymore. She can have him. He is dead to me in a way. It's sad but I realize WE, as in our M, is dead and prob has been for awhile now and I've been grasping at silly straws that aren't strong enough to hold onto so I am letting go and freefalling down a big cliff of ... Idontknowwhatthefutureholds. And I'm ok with that.
I only wish him well in the future. And I do mean that. He told me I cannot give him what he needs so I hope he finds whatever that thing is. I know it's not me.
Adieu, amor.
Cut all the R blame/attack talk. The R is over, there is nothing to work on right now.
Just set a boundary. Then, stick with it.
"Sol, I feel pissed just knowing that you have to listen to this crap from him! He ends the M, despite your wishes, and now you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he'll "never be happy again" blah blah blah...OMG, I wanna puke!"
Wii, I'm used to hearing this from relative newbies, but surprised to hear it from you.
Where is there room for compassion or understanding?
OT, I just get upset when WAS's use the LBS without regards to their feelings. I have no doubt that they too have feelings about the end of the M, I know my wife did when we separated but she didn't expect me to take care of her! She dealt with it in her own way and let me deal with my grief. That's just utter selfishness to do otherwise. And yes, I do have compassion for them. They had their dreams destroyed too. They had visions of how a life with someone would be and it didn't turn out that way. That is a loss. I know in my case, my W refused to go for counselling and she'd already decided that their was no hope for us. I sometimes think how hard it must have been to live year after year intimately with someone you don't love and don't think you could ever love again. She had her pain which was as real as mine.
Btw, the $2 comment is familiar but I can't place it, no prize for me!
Sol, sorry for the postponement. It's a tough go when you are prepared for the end and it doesn't come and then you have to prepare all over again. Hang in there!
^ It is very commendable that she let you deal with it on her own. And the postponement DOES royally suck.
Cut all the R blame/attack talk. The R is over, there is nothing to work on right now.
Just set a boundary. Then, stick with it.
OT, can you suggest a boundary for me?
I'm not OT but I'll give it try! How about "I'm sorry you are feeling badly, this has been hard on both of us. But I think it would be best if you discussed how you're feeling with someone else"...and then say "someone who friggin' cares!"...just kidding!
^ LOL. I like that response. At this point I am not going to call/text him at all. If he does contact me again, I will say something along those lines.
Sol, first off you deserve a big pat on your back for being so courageous to walk into that court room and standing your ground. I know the feeling and it's not easy; you feel like a criminal, you feel like you don't belong there. So that's a HUGE first step towards you finding your ground to stand on. I didn't want to say anything about it prior so as to not freak you out but you did it and I'm impressed
Of course your H was pissed, he thought he had you in his back pocket. He thought you'd cave first to his threats and then to his emotional BS. You showed him you're not some naiive girl that he can keep taking advantage of. I had a feeling they'd back out at the last minute...they wanted to play chicken and see who lets up first. You didn't...he did. A small but important victory for you!
I know you have feelings for him, I did too (for STBXW not your H
)- some of us process things slowly and that's fine. But I think you're getting to that point of realizing all the damage he's caused when you've done nothing to deserve this. You're one of the sweetest people on here and it makes me upset he takes advantage of that. Well no more. You'll be fine and your future holds lots...just be patient. Get through the D, concentrate on school and your health. Things will fall into place when you least expect them.
It's very frustrating when you are in a mindset to go to court, you get there and the matter is not completed. Honestly, it's a very common tactic used by less than stellar attnys to simply grate you down to cave to their demands.
With all this legal stuff going on I would refrain from any conversations with your H at this time. The lines are much too blurred between legal manipulation and emotional manipulation.
My H did the same thing and now he is doing it again. I am not saying your H doesn't feel *something* but right now things are too messy to rectify anything. I do agree with the others, a firm boundary must be set. The thing is... you can't just set the boundary you have to stick to the boundary.
As you know, my H rammed a divorce down my throat for 2 years in such an aggressive way it was abusive. When that didn't pan out due to his ongoing affair we became legally separated. In 8 weeks I can file for the divorce and when I let him know I would be doing so (this was required as per our Agreement and I did so in a very business like way - I sent him a two line note via certified mail) he did not like that.
In fact - he is going to EXTREME measures to make sure this divorce doesn't happen at this time. In the past few weeks he left his very, very lucrative position to take another position at his company that will have him traveling Tues - Friday of each week. He told me a few days ago he did this for "us". Considering there is no "us" and we have not been together since March of 2008 it seemed odd. Even more curious, while our marriage was stable he was offered this same position twice before and declined each time as he didn't want to be away from me for so long, so often. I guess he feels okay about being away from OW though who he lives with.
He now doesn't understand why I am "adamant" about a divorce (mind you, I have not seen my H in 10 months, not spoken to him on the phone in 6 months). Why can't we talk through our problems? Why can't we get to know each other again? Why do we have to walk down the divorce road again? NOW he wants to know all of this?!
My boundary has remained the same and I will not waiver on my stance. I don't talk/date/get to know men that have live in lovers even if the man happens to be my husband.
My H has essentially walked away from a position that will continue to make him a very wealthy man to once again RUN from his life.
I tell you all of this to illustrate to you the importance of setting boundaries with WAS's that will manipulate you until the day they die if you allow it. It took me way too long to set solid and enforceable boundaries and it only prolonged my suffering to a point of becoming ill.
My H told me up and down (near court, in court, out of court) how sad he was and how hard it was and blah blah blah. Once those papers were signed and executed I never heard from him again until he told me he was moving in with OW.
Your H very well might be having second thoughts or maybe he is just following a plan set forth by his attny. Let him sort all of that out and keep your boundary in place.
Don't be posting in 3 yrs. from now this BS is still going on. I could be in a MUCH different position had I set boundaries that were healthy, firm and enforceable a long time ago.
On one of the other forums I read something that kind of put in perspective how it is when you are with the WAS. It's like being with an Alzheimers patient. They look just like the person you married. But that person is long gone, replaced by someone you don't know and who doesn't remember those times.
I didn't put it in those terms to D11. I'm not even sure how it came up. She was asking questions and I told her "I still love the STBXW I married. I don't really know the person she is now."
I didn't put it in those terms to D11. I'm not even sure how it came up. She was asking questions and I told her "I still love the STBXW I married. I don't really know the person she is now."
CTH, don't do that to your kids! Say "part of me will always love mommy, she gave me you!" That's all you need to say, you don't need to give the impression that there is something wrong with STBX although there very well might be! Be careful, the kids love both of you and that's for the best.
Wow Sol... Big day! Sorry that the process didn't move forward for you. Limbo sucks... I feel for you. Look on the bright side... You survived it and from the sounds of it with a lot of courage and grace. Congratulations! Now, since you've already done it, you know how strong you are and you know you can handle it!
Let him be pissed! he's acting like a two year old who doesn't get what he wants! Sounds to me like you're in a great place today and I say ride it all the way. You do deserve better and I'm happy to hear you say those things about yourself!
progress is progress! You're doing great!
Happy weekend, all. I am writing a very quick fly-by posting.
H calls me this morning saying how he felt so weird at court yesterrday, how he thinks about calling everything off, how he's blah blah blah and I took the BOUNDARY advice from this:
I'm not OT but I'll give it try! How about "I'm sorry you are feeling badly, this has been hard on both of us. But I think it would be best if you discussed how you're feeling with someone else"...and then say "someone who friggin' cares!"...just kidding!
and said: I know that we both care about eachother but if you are not calling me to talk about working on our M or reconciliation, I find it very inappropriate for you to be calling me.
He said "well i am sorry for calling you" and etc and I seaid I appreciate his phone calls but I needed him to hear me out.
He also said maybe it's best we D and then work on our R and then move in together and then later in 1-2 years get M'ed again. I told him that is absurd, we are like water & oil. I want to be M and he doesn't. I told him I will not be his live-in lover girl, that it doesn't work for me. He also asked me if I was seeing someone! WTH! I told him I do not want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to commit to me. H
We talked some more & then I ended the convo, saying I had to go.
Will come back to post.
I think you did great Sol! Suddenly he's seeing a big 180 from you and has to figure out how to deal with that.
The book says: You can't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. That is a very true statement!
Good for you for saying that to your H. Next time though I'd be less "open" about the reconciliation option at this point, door's unlocked but not wide open: "Talk is cheap. Unless you start acting on what you say I'm not interested in having these conversations. As for the D I'm sorry but the D seals the deal for me...there's no "us" after the D. It's a matter of pricinpal and integrity."
See I really believe he is a manipulative person. He knows you have feelings for him and that given the option you'll take him back. This gives him WAY too much power and control. He needs to see that the reconciliation option is getting smaller and smaller and you can't be manipulated. He's way too comfortable. In my opinion, as I've said before, he's stringing you along to make you go easy on him during the D. NO WAY!! If he wants the D then you'll give it to him but you'll do it YOUR way- not his. You'll fight back. So HE needs to feel that after the D it's over (even if it's not) so there's no reason to talk about "the future" anymore unless he starts by calling the D off.
Sol, unless you take a hard stance and set clear boundaries he's going to retain his god complex. He drove the process until now...but now you will take charge. See because you didn't sign the house over and you walked up to the judge he knows he's losing his power of manipulation over you that's why he's calling and 'communicating' with you all of a sudden.
My 2 cents.
You don't get to share your emotional stuff/R talk with him if he doesn't get to do the same with you. Stop the R talk. Stop the personal talk. Stop the emotional talk.
Why in the world do you appreciate his calls? I don't think you do. Don't lie to him or yourself about this.
"It is inappropriate for me to be your emotional support while we are getting D or vice versa. That really doesn't work for me. We aren't working on an R together -- there isn't an R for us to work on right now, so for now I need to keep things strictly business."
He also said maybe it's best we D and then work on our R and then move in together and then later in 1-2 years get M'ed again.
OMG Sol... My H said this to me a few months ago. "We can always just get married again." WTF? No way jose!! Right now, I don't see how that's possible!!
However, my C says that lots of couples do it. Get remarried again. I don't know if I could ever do that. Betrayal... Abandonment... I guess it might depend on the sitch... I'm proud of you for standing your ground. You're coming along nicely. Good for you!
I'll throw the other side out there. My STBXW keeps telling our girls we'll always be just friends and from every thing I see she has zero feelings for me. That hurts as well.
I don't if that's worse than having someone who at least cares, but not enough to save things.
A great book to read is "I Do Again." It's about a couple that remarried seven years after the D.
Hey everyone. This morning on my way to work, I slid right off the wrong into a bunch of trees/woods. I was very shaken up. By the grace of God, nothing happened to me and I miraculously am...ok! My car will need repairs though, I took out an entire huge tree that was on the road and found car parts later, including my license plate which came completely off and was doubled over. When it rains, it pours. I have been thinking about all this crazy stuff (my speeding ticket 2 weeks ago, court last week for D stuff, H calling me, and this accident). But I am ok which is what matters!
My boundary has remained the same and I will not waiver on my stance. I don't talk/date/get to know men that have live in lovers even if the man happens to be my husband.
I like this
I tell you all of this to illustrate to you the importance of setting boundaries with WAS's that will manipulate you until the day they die if you allow it.
Your H very well might be having second thoughts or maybe he is just following a plan set forth by his attny. Let him sort all of that out and keep your boundary in place.
Great words of advice.
"Talk is cheap. Unless you start acting on what you say I'm not interested in having these conversations. As for the D I'm sorry but the D seals the deal for me...there's no "us" after the D. It's a matter of pricinpal and integrity."
"It is inappropriate for me to be your emotional support while we are getting D or vice versa. That really doesn't work for me. We aren't working on an R together -- there isn't an R for us to work on right now, so for now I need to keep things strictly business."
Romeo & CTH, I agree and this is what I was telling him/trying to convey when I told him I felt it wase wrong for him to call mje when we're D'ing, that I won't be offering him emotional support through this and that after D, there is no more "US" for me.
It is so selfish IMO for him to tell me he wants to work stuff out after the D. It's ridiculous!
Romeo, my mother also thinks he is calling me so that we the D can go momre in his favor. He actually said to me "I don't want your $, Sol." And I was like, "But that is why you took me to court. You were SUING me for half the mortgage." Surely he knows this and it's unbelievable he'd think I didn't know why the heck we were in court anyway! He told me he thinks my L talked to his L about postponing our court date to get more $ out of us. At court, my L told me that day he couldn't believe it was postponed and wouldn't charge me more (but that H will have more fees each time he goes back to court, etc).
OMG Sol... My H said this to me a few months ago. "We can always just get married again." WTF? No way jose!! Right now, I don't see how that's possible!!
Right. Because planning wedding #2 to/with the men who are D'ing us just sounds so romantic. ::insert eyeroll::
CTH, it is hard to even conceive "being friends" with the one person who's broken your heart. In your sitch, you guys have children and have to co-parent so it is probably best to try to get along as amicably as possible for the kiddos. I know your hearts hurts a lot but it will get better in time. ((( CTH )))
Hey everyone. This morning on my way to work, I slid right off the
*road* into a bunch of trees/woods. I was very shaken up. By the grace of God, nothing happened to me and I miraculously am...ok! My car will need repairs though, I took out an entire huge tree that was on the road and found car parts later, including my license plate which came completely off and was doubled over. When it rains, it pours. I have been thinking about all this crazy stuff (my speeding ticket 2 weeks ago, court last week for D stuff, H calling me, and this accident). But I am ok which is what matters!
My boundary has remained the same and I will not waiver on my stance. I don't talk/date/get to know men that have live in lovers even if the man happens to be my husband.
I like this
I tell you all of this to illustrate to you the importance of setting boundaries with WAS's that will manipulate you until the day they die if you allow it.
Your H very well might be having second thoughts or maybe he is just following a plan set forth by his attny. Let him sort all of that out and keep your boundary in place.
Great words of advice.
"Talk is cheap. Unless you start acting on what you say I'm not interested in having these conversations. As for the D I'm sorry but the D seals the deal for me...there's no "us" after the D. It's a matter of pricinpal and integrity."
"It is inappropriate for me to be your emotional support while we are getting D or vice versa. That really doesn't work for me. We aren't working on an R together -- there isn't an R for us to work on right now, so for now I need to keep things strictly business."
Romeo & CTH, I agree and this is what I was telling him/trying to convey when I told him I felt it wase wrong for him to call mje when we're D'ing, that I won't be offering him emotional support through this and that after D, there is no more "US" for me.
It is so selfish IMO for him to tell me he wants to work stuff out after the D. It's ridiculous!
Romeo, my mother also thinks he is calling me so that we the D can go momre in his favor. He actually said to me "I don't want your $, Sol." And I was like, "But that is why you took me to court. You were SUING me for half the mortgage." Surely he knows this and it's unbelievable he'd think I didn't know why the heck we were in court anyway! He told me he thinks my L talked to his L about postponing our court date to get more $ out of us. At court, my L told me that day he couldn't believe it was postponed and wouldn't charge me more (but that H will have more fees each time he goes back to court, etc).
OMG Sol... My H said this to me a few months ago. "We can always just get married again." WTF? No way jose!! Right now, I don't see how that's possible!!
Right. Because planning wedding #2 to/with the men who are D'ing us just sounds so romantic. ::insert eyeroll::
CTH, it is hard to even conceive "being friends" with the one person who's broken your heart. In your sitch, you guys have children and have to co-parent so it is probably best to try to get along as amicably as possible for the kiddos. I know your hearts hurts a lot but it will get better in time. ((( CTH )))
Oh goodness Sol! I'm glad you're alright!! Yes, that's all that matters, everything else is replaceable.
Taking corners at 90mph when it's raining is never fun unless you're at the race track.
Sorry about the car but hopefully the insurance will take care of it? Is it driveable? Taking out a tree makes it sound serious but hopefully it's not.
Oh, Sol... how frightening and I so happy to hear you are okay!
It's amazing how things keep piling up. Today though the only thing that matters is that you are okay!
You should see a dr. and get checkout to be on the safe side.
Thanks for the kind thoughts. I actually was not even driving fast but not focused and voila.
My car is not driveable and I will be driving a rental til it's fixed.
Thank God I always wear my seatbelt
When it rains, it pours, right? I'm glad you're safe sol.
When's your next court date?
No court for TWO months, Brena. Incredible right? This seems so odd to me considernig H was able to sched a court date within two weeks of notifying me and all of a sudden there is now a 2-month wait. I just want this to go fast.
Yeah... I wanted things to go fast too. Now its here. I don't quite know what to do.
Did you ever find out why the delay? Make sure you're asking for your H to cover your court/lawyer costs! This is what he wanted, right? He should pay for it!
^ Didn't find out yet but emailed the court asking why. My H's L came out in the hallway and said it was becaus the judge wouldn't hear the case that day, tough everyone else's cases were only 1-2 minutes long! (a total of about 15 minutes, max all together!). H called me over weekend and said judge said "reschedule it." Idk what is going on. It seem sso bizarre. And I did stipulate that I want him to pay my L fees. It is his D, after all
Been having a lousy past two days. I just want to wake up on e day and not think about him or talk about him. I think my heart will be in a bad place for a long time. I can feel it.
This court stuff will take it out of you, Sol! It's representing the end of something you valued greatly. It's a sad and stressful time. But, just remember that it is just a time and there will be better times ahead. You'll make it! You mentioned about looking into AD's, have you done so yet? I'm not necessarily advocating, just asking.
I haven't looked into ADs yet, though I should. I am in a very deep depression that does NOT go away. This morning I saw my dad and told him "I hate my life. I really do. I hate how it's turned out" and he got upset and told me not to talk like that. But it's true. I do hate my life. I have no idea where to go from here. My self-esteem is low for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate as a woman/wife, I feel unloved, and sad. I thought I had everything: a beautiful home, a hardworking H, financial security and feel I have NOTHING now. I know this is bad but I have actually thought of ending all of this but I know that is not the answer. I just don't know where to go from here. Definitely feel I am regressing in life so much. Every other week it seems someone is getting pregnant or married (of my friends) and here I am getting a D, my H doesn't even want to be married to me (serious blow to me/major rejection) and have a teensy apt. I hate it.
My IC does help but I really just am depressed. Some days are worse than others and today is one of those days.
Not meaning to sound like a downer at all but it's so frustrating, all of this. Grr.
I'm sorry. I know the feeling. Tincture of time...I don't know what else to do except keep going...and let time pass.
Sol, if this is really how you feel then make an appointment and get it done! There's no shame. I know a number of people in my life who have gone through this and are so thankful they had AD's to lift them up during these times. I know a number of people on this board have told you of their successful AD experiences too. Don't let yourself get dragged down to where you can't fight back any more, go and talk to your doctor about what you need. Get it done!
Sol, sorry to hear how you feel and I can relate to it. I was there too and not long ago either. You will get past all of this and your new life will start to take place. For now definitely look into the ADs and give it time.
I thought I had everything: a beautiful home, a hardworking H, financial security and feel I have NOTHING now.
It's very understandable to feel the way you do. This was your dream which was taken away from you. But the good thing is dreams are ours to keep and we get to build and rebuild them even if we have to replace some people in them. So keep your dreams and you'll rebuild your new life even better once you get past this hump.
Also, I avoided telling my parents that I hated my life even when I felt that way because parents will do anything when they see their kids are hurting. So definitely tell them how you feel just not that you're in a very very bad shape...I think they can tell that you are anyway. You can tell your siblings, your friends and us- most of us can relate.
As for people getting married and pregnant yes perhaps but at least all around me I'm seeing more and more people getting divorced these days. Just look at how many new posters come here every week.
I have no idea where to go from here. My self-esteem is low for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate as a woman/wife, I feel unloved, and sad. I thought I had everything: a beautiful home, a hardworking H, financial security and feel I have NOTHING now. I know this is bad but I have actually thought of ending all of this but I know that is not the answer. I just don't know where to go from here.
NO NO NO!!! You're too precious to even think that way. You're too good to let one idiot define who you are. It's normal to take a hit on your self-esteem, feel inadequate, unloved and sad. Unfortunately, it's part of the process but it gets better. Believe that! I know I'm repeating this stuff but I'll repeat it as many times as I have to until you start repeating this in your head.
You said you had a life outside of your H- start it up again. What are you doing to GAL?
You don't sound like a downer. You sound like somebody who is courageous enough to be honest about their feelings even though the feelings are very dark.
I can say I honestly thought about ending it all during the worst of my situation. Between my Lupus spinning out of control, the anxiety attacks, the financial strain, the litigation, me almost losing my business due to my poor health and the devastation of my H leaving for his mistress, well, let's just say it seemed like an appealing option. The good thing is we are still here. We are still breathing and we both have lots of amazing people in our lives.
As for your dad... he loves you and doesn't want to know his daughter is hurting. My mom would have killed my H by now if she could have figured out a way to get away with it (I'm kidding but don't mess with a southern mama). My attny always joked and said he could deal with any judge or attny with ease but put an angry parent in front of him and he is fearful! LOL! As he said... when a mom sees their kid going through a horrible divorce the mom is not real interested in the laws or policy or procedure - she is interested in creative justice
This is all a hot mess. It's probably a safe bet to say that I am more a hot mess than you
Either way though we all love you and we are going to see you through just like you do for all of us.
Nothing I can say will make you feel better but know we are here!
Sol, I'm feeling the exact same way. And I can't shake it. I'm 8 mths pregnant which really knocks my emotions out of whack. I spoke to my midwife today and she gave me a Rx for Zoloft to see if it helps. And I begin IC next week. I'm praying something helps. Everyone keeps yelling at me to "let go" but they just don't know how deeply I hurt. I have anxiety attacks throughout the day and a few at night. I've lost 6 lbs in 2 weeks which is not good being pregnant. I know your pain. I feel it daily too. I had your same dreams and its all been taken away from me. And my WAH is in love w/ an OW. Huge blow to my self esteem. I'm spinning out of control and wish I could just go to sleep
With my girls and never wake up again. I hope my AD's work. I wish I could have my H back. I just want a happy family.
First of all, let me say how I really love you guys. All of you. Because I don't even know you guys yet your posts are a source of strength in really difficult/hard/happy/and unhappy times.
The range of emotions when one is D'ing are seriously like someone with multiple personality disorder. This morning I was feeling the end of my life was a second away and now I am feeling like if I happened to see H right now, I would want to kick him in the balls.
You said you had a life outside of your H- start it up again. What are you doing to GAL?
My GALs are that I go to work and school and honestly not much else outside that. I WILL start going to the gym again soon (I was a gym rat for years before all this went down) and I WILL start being more social with my friends again. I have really gotten away from my friends, I feel.
My mom would have killed my H by now if she could have figured out a way to get away with it (I'm kidding but don't mess with a southern mama). !
This made me LOL. Haha.
Either way though we all love you and we are going to see you through just like you do for all of us.
Aww. This made me feel so much better. Group hug, everyone!
I just saw the H called me and didn't leave a message. Should i call him back today? We haven't spoken since Saturday when I told him it was inappropos for him to be calling since he's D'ing me...
The range of emotions are insane. I had a horrible morning dealing with an issue with my late father's estate and for some reason felt the urge to kill my H (ya know, cause it's my H's fault my father didn't document things as he should have). I had to walk by the family court building to go to my appt. and I wanted to scream like a crazy person.
I wouldn't call him back. Sounds like temperature checking to me - if it's urgent he will leave a message.
Going back to the gym would be a great start (don't forget your MsTaken ring I posted about in Kat's thread). So will joining a few meetup.com groups to do some activities (hiking, biking, bowling, shooting-range, knife-fighting...or whatever you're into lol)
Yeah don't call him back...just like Lady Gaga's Telephone song. BTW, search for "Telephone Office version" better than the original I think. Apparently, Lady Gaga said so too...
OK found it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsU9tz3d3OYProbably NSF (Not Safe for Work).
CG, don't watch it...you won't like it at all LOL
Sol... freaks me out when I hear you talk about ending things. Please please don't that! Don't let him win. Don't let him have that kind of power over you. Divorce will not be the end of the world. Emotions are temporary. Remember? Look back on what you've been through already. You've had good days, sad days, pissy days... it's constantly changing. You are great! You are beautiful! Everyone on this forum wants you to survive this and I'm sure your family and friends do too. You don't need him at all. You have so many other people in your life worth being here for! Remember that always and don't let him have any more power over how you will live your life. Happiness is a choice. You may have to choose it several times a day but YOU CAN DO IT!!
H called me twice last night so I called him back after class. Our conversation was the same sh-t, different day and he asked if it was true I wanted to settle w/ him on the house. Like he has no idea or part of this. He said he took me to court Friday as a "precaution." Nice. (suing me for 1/2 the mortgage).
This morning we spoke again and I said our R is over, I don't wanna talk about it & we should try to come to an agreement. He made me an offer which is way less than what I has asked for so I told him that isn't what I want and he said fine, that we'll be in court for 8 months battling it out that he rescinds his offer completely.
My thinking is that him getting the house and his green card are huge things and he is offering less than half of what I am asking for. Grr.
I am so tired of this.
Sending out the bat signal for CG, since you know more about negotiating than I do. What can I do?
Romeo I watched that youtube. It was funny. And what is the "MsTaken ring?" A fake wedding band? LOL.
Guys, we were texting and I texted "X amount is no good. You want the entire house." Can that be used against me in court?
Then he wrote "That's your call don't forget it."
I texted "It will be the judge's callif we can't come to an agreement."
Sol... stop the texting. Tell him if he wants to negotiate to talk to your attorney. It's inappropriate for him to be texting you about it. Protect yourself!
Sol... he's not negotiating in good faith, and you know it, so cut it out! He will try to back you into a corner, and then claim you agreed to something.
From now on, any negotiations need to be made in a controlled environment, and a lot more formally than texting. He WILL take advantage of your good nature.
^^ I know. It sucks.
I am very tempted to send this to him... Let me know yes or no?
At this point, please do not call me. We will figure this out in court. It's very clear to me you only wanted me to sign your greencard like everyone told me. We will figure this out in court.
Is that good or shall I word it differently?
What he is offering me barely covers my L fees!
Why send him anything? It's just feeding the beast!
.. Word...
LOL.
I just really want to pinch his head off today!!!!!!!!!
Well, that's different!
(((((sol)))))
Don't text him anymore. Keep your cards close to your chest but definitely if he sends you more texts and bugs you then a simple txt setting a boundary will do: "H: no more texting or calling. Please communicate through my L"
Well, that's different!
(((((sol)))))
Haha. I may not be violent but I have my moments.
Don't text him anymore. Keep your cards close to your chest but definitely if he sends you more texts and bugs you then a simple txt setting a boundary will do: "H: no more texting or calling. Please communicate through my L"
Golden. I will say that if he contacts me again.
Think about it... if he wasn't nervous about the outcome as far as the assets go he wouldn't be texting you at all.
When negotiating making the first move after one set of negotiations has failed is the biggest sign of weakness. Never show your cards. He has reached out to you several times in less than 24 hours. People who are comfortable in their stance don't do that.
No more talking, e-mailing or texting. Like most manipulative and wimpy men (I happen to be an expert in this area as I have had 13 years of experience with such a man
he is shaking in his boots because his usual tactics are not working on you any longer. Of course he is going to blame you.
Divorce equals court. Period. Some rare cases work out before court but not many. Do not make ANY more offers to him via any medium and let him make the offers first to your attny. You already said his attny is not good - lol!
You don't ASK for what you want - you say what you want and allow them to offer you enough until you are satisfied with the settlement. Your attny will do this for you.
He is doing just what D did - making it out to be YOUR fault since you won't cave. Sorry, you are done being dictated to.
How are you feeling since your accident?
Hey CG. Excellent advice, all of it. I really really think you should look into being a L and life coach.
I am feeling much better after my accident. Thanks for asking. I did have a neck spasm but nothing major. Am thankful the damage to myself & car weren't way worse
I did throw out another # to my H on the phone but he said No way. So it was his offer or bust. Oh well. Guess the courts will decide now. I told him "You took me to court Friday to sue me." And he said, "It's not "suing. That's not how I understand it."
HA
HA
HA
If this wasn't my M I would make a comedy about it!
Like most manipulative and wimpy men (I happen to be an expert in this area as I have had 13 years of experience with such a man
Hehe.
Do not make ANY more offers to him via any medium and let him make the offers first to your attny.
I will follow this advice to a T.
Am meeting up with some girlfriends later for drinks though I won't stay long because I have a lab in the a.m. Will be nice to go out since I never go anywhere.
Sounds like fun sol... that's how you do it! Enjoy the girl time and your tasty beverages!
And when you need boy time just call up your lab partner and do the lab experiments together.
No...not really.
Enjoy the drinks though!
And when you need boy time just call up your lab partner and do the lab experiments together.
No...not really.
Enjoy the drinks though!
Ummmm, why not really? Didn't you say he was cute, sol??
Have fun with the girls' night!!
Sol certainly can if she chooses to but at least from my own experience I can say I was/am VERY vulnerable to a heartbreak.
But then I'm a rare species, a lot of people can date and have certain types of relationships without letting emotions play any part in it and if so then I'd imagine it'd be easier.
Sol certainly can if she chooses to but at least from my own experience I can say I was/am VERY vulnerable to a heartbreak.
I hear exactly what you are saying. By that same token, being vulnerable to heartbreak is not an issue for me since I am currently heartbroken. Opening myself up to the possibility of another one on top of this one seems like suicide.
Am a little sentimental today. My weekend has been good but tiring. Another one of my friends got married yesterday. It was a beautiful, small ceremony, very simple. I was thinking, that is 3 friends of mine who have married since D papers got filed/rolling. It made me kind of sad but of course I am happy for everyone and their new futures/life together. We celebrated my parents' bdays and the DJ played both of my wedding songs back to back.
Lab partner and I grabbed a bite to eat between class and lab and he was saying he wanted to know more about me, yada yada. I think he has a little crush. Which is flattering but so not where I'm at. He even texted me later saying "I bet you look beautiful at the wedding" and said he really enjoyed spending time with me.
And all this time I am thinking, my h doesn't even want to be with me and thinking of dating and starting all over again one day with someone else (should that ever happenn) is mentally exhausting.
I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling depressed. And feeling like a f-ck up failure. I am tired of waking up in bed and looking to H's side of the bed and thinking H will never be in it again. I want to burn that bed and the covers. I don't want to sleep in it anymore. I just want to feel better already.
On the flip side ...at least I am alive and kicking.
Sorry you're feeling down Sol, it happens. It's OK to have these thoughts but you have to allow yourself only a limited time to acknowledge them and then move on. I know it's all very difficult and it sucks that so many of us have to go through this. Unfortunately we HAVE to go through this hurt and grieving to get to a better place and you're getting closer to that place.
Have you found any relevant books or perhaps a C to help with the process? ADs can help make this difficult process from turning into a monumental process.
Besides attending the wedding ceremonies what else are you doing to stay busy and keep your mind off of these thoughts.
Lab partner and I grabbed a bite to eat between class and lab and he was saying he wanted to know more about me, yada yada. I think he has a little crush. Which is flattering but so not where I'm at. He even texted me later saying "I bet you look beautiful at the wedding" and said he really enjoyed spending time with me.
Ya think?
Hey at least you're getting attention from the opposite sex...that's gotta count for something.
It does take time to heal from a broken heart. I don't think there is one "proper" timeline.
In a way I sort of appreciate going to a wedding now more than ever. If I knew/understood the things I do now at my own wedding, well, things might have been easier.
It's great you are keeping busy!
Have you found any relevant books or perhaps a C to help with the process? ADs can help make this difficult process from turning into a monumental process.
Besides attending the wedding ceremonies what else are you doing to stay busy and keep your mind off of these thoughts.
Besides being a wedding crasher (haha), I spend most of my time between work and school and squeeze in a social outing every so often. I am seeing an IC and have been since earlier this year. That is actually really helpful. Haven't been proactive about ADs but was referenced to other folks by IC in case I wanted to see about that.
I still do love weddings, CG. Heariing the vow part does throw me though--when they say the part about how it's forever, blah blah blah. LOL.
I know I've got to get through the bad before I get to the good and I am ok with that. Some days suck, some are downright awesome. I am feeling good today.
Don't feel bad about crashing the weddings, it's fun you can have a title 'Director of the National Wedding Crasher Project'.
Besides I've done worse....I wonder- maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Glad to hear your IC is helping you. You're doing much better than you were before so there's definitely been a noticeable improvement in your overall attitude. Start every day off with a smile- it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips...wait for the first
Hey I'm going to a wedding this weekend knowing how hard it's going to be to keep from yelling bullsh*t when they get to the part of loving each other for better or worse, sicker or poorer, forsakeing all others, blah, blah, blah...
So I was on FB, something I am not a member of butg occassionally get on my niece's page to leave my sis a note from myself. And I looked up stbx. I know. This is bad. And you guys can reprimand me later. Seems 90% of his 100+ friends are all skankily-clad women. He has pics of himself at the place where he took me where he also had met and took home and f-cked random club girl. He has pics from there from a night when I was't there (I imagine when he met that broad) that he posted in Dec... when he said this went down with her. The pic is of him and two dudes and says Party HEE HEE. WTF?
I am not even on FB and this is so annoying to me. He is so clearly over it. So I go looking throughall these whore looking chicks andd one matches the descrption of where he saidd randdom club girl is from, where she lives, taht she has a sis, etc. Iknow this is bad but I texted himw ith just her first name. No response. It's late as hell & I know I shouldn't have done that but I am close to shaking (or rather I feel like my body is going to have a panic attack in a way). When we separated I immediately went off the FB. I haven't even been able to go out socially since and he's so golden. He said he had never been in contact w/ her again after it happened, that they weren't on FB together, etc. I am really upset right now and I feel sick.
All cheaters lie!
Stay off of FB. You're looking at something, and getting upset over something, that you have no control over.
I know. I am not getting on there again via anyone's page. Grr.
So this is what happened. Last nighth after seeing all this I went to text stbx to see if we could move up our court date. My phone keeps texts taht I typed but didn't send in a draft folder. So when I clicked on stbx's name, it had "Please do not call me again." (I meant to send this to him a after court date when he was calling me & I told him to only call me for D-related stuff). So I accidentally hit send before I could erase it/type other message out. I immediately texted him, "Oops. Sorry. that was not meant for you." Then LATER, I texted him this skank's name with a ?-mark.
So this a.m. in rush hour he writes me "I don't think you sent all these messages to the right DUDE. It's better if you delete my number...just to be safe."
And I wrote back, "No I didn't meant to send the first part but the last part was for you :)"
He texts, "Whatever."
WTH. I am so angry. Maybe that is a good thing. I am damn tired of feeling depressed every got damn day. I barely slept last night and keep thinking of all this girls on his page. He also has his bro and cousin on there who can see all these nasty girls. It makes me feel like he has ZERO discretion. Granted, he didn't either when took that broa back to his friend's house and f-cked her. The same friend who would smile in my face and I got them out of being in a fight once together. At least I respected our privacy when we first separated so that the world iddn't have to be involve din our b.s. And he has pics posted from a club like he's a damn 18 year old.
Do you think by him not addressing her name that I typed that he is deflecting? Or did I guess the wrong girl?
I want this D to be over so bad. I am starting to hate him.
Hi Sol,,,
I know its hard but don't go there! I just recently did the same thing and it only dredges up old feelings of hurt, anger and disrespect,,,it hurts so very badly when you're being lied to, I just found out my stbxh is sleeping with numerous women and probably has been this whole time we've been M'd. Butwe just have to remind ourselves that we are smarter and above all that!!
My D will be over on Oct 20th and 21st, we will get thru all this pain we just need to make ourselves busy by focusing on our families rather than ask 'Why' or follow them down that cheeseless tunnel.
I hope you find some solace and peace today as i'm searching for it as well,,,i'm up way too late for my own good!LOL!
Take Care, Kim
I want this D to be over so bad. I am starting to hate him.
^^^^This is defintely not detaching
I bet you knew that.
Why do I think that you already know what you ought to be doing?
The source of your anger is fear. Feel the anger, watch where it comes from, and understand it, track it back all the way to its source, but don't identify with it. You are not it. It is an emotional pattern that tries to take over, and feeling it, watching it, and understanding it means it loses its power to take over. It's like a demon that can only live if you fight it or if you identify with it.
I wrote something the other day when I was thinking about this metaphore of negative emotions being demons.
It's on page 21, post #2080146.
Link to page 21 of my thread
Yes, I meant to go back and RE-write my post but alas, it said I was unable to. (I was going to delete that-haha).
As far as my post, do you think by him not addressing her name that I typed that he is deflecting? Or did I guess the wrong girl?
I will check out your thread.
I do not plan to write him back at all. I just am annoyed.
Kim, thanks for the kind words.
As far as my post, do you think by him not addressing her name that I typed that he is deflecting? Or did I guess the wrong girl?
If he's seeing her, he will probably deny it.
If he's not seeing her, he will probably deny it.
What's the point in even asking? He's an unreliable source.
It's like reading "The Onion". It could be amusing, but it's certainly not a reliable source of factual content.
So why are you taking this so seriously?
Yeah, right now it's all irrelevant. As for the 'seriousness...' well it goes without saying that when you've spent that long with someone and found out all these things after the fact, it does hurt. I think it'd be weird if it didn't cause a little hurt.
Oh well. Over and out. I will be happy when all this saga is over.
well it goes without saying that when you've spent that long with someone and found out all these things after the fact, it does hurt.
Yeah, I know it hurts. Fact is, if someone other than your once significant other did these things to you, and disrespected you, and cheated and lied to you...you wouldn't put up with it for a second. You'd drop em' like a hot rock. You wouldn't take it personally...they did what they did, and it had NOTHING to do with you. It's the same regardless of who the transgressor is. Just food for thought.
That said...I know how hard it is, and how much it hurts.
You are so right, Antlers. If it was anyone else, I'd boot them and fast.
I deleted his numbers from my phone.
This I understand. It's painful.
What I don't understand is what you are hoping to get from trying to read intent into his response. The very fact that you are trying to do that tells me you don't believe his responses are neccessarily truthful (understandable), and you were going to do that unless it was the answer you expected.
And if it had been the answer you expected, that would have been painful too, right?
So by asking the question, and trying to read intent, are you seeking to remain in pain?
Nope. Definitely don't want pain. Nobody does.
Sol, sorry to hear about all the latest development. Personally, I'm of the mindset that nothing good will come out of knowing more so in this particular case the less I know the better and easier it'll be for me to move on.
As for the girl, it's irrelevant *who* she is? If she is her or someone else from your perspective it changes nothing. It'll only torture you in the future. Don't do that to yourself.
If deleting his number helps you limit your communication with him then I'm glad you did it.
Remember, you deserve better, just like what I wrote to Brena yesterday.
^ Yep. All of the #s have been deleted. I think it's in my best interest. And it does not matter who she is or if he's dating someone.
I just spoke to a relative who advised me had I been going to church, etc. that maybe God would have changed stbx's heart and I wouldn't be going through a D. I do believe and I do pray though I don't consider myself very religious. That comment was like pouring salt in the wound.
I have another exam tomorrow and need to get in the mindset to study for it.
That comment was like pouring salt in the wound.
That comment was a criticism of your church attendance
Nice.
That comment was like pouring salt in the wound.
That comment was a criticism of your church attendance
Nice.
Wow, those people are still out there! Sol, even if you had been going to church regularly "friends" like this would still be telling you your faith wasn't strong enough or you're sinning in some way etc. There's no winning with people who think this way, so don't worry about them...just forgive them and move on.
I just spoke to a relative who advised me had I been going to church, etc. that maybe God would have changed stbx's heart and I wouldn't be going through a D.
I would've said: Relative, God loves you but he told me I'm his favorite. He's cool if I didn't go to church.
Some people are annoying.
just forgive them and move on.
Exactly!
I would've said: Relative, God loves you but he told me I'm his favorite. He's cool if I didn't go to church.
You guys are cracking me up
Exam and class yesterday. Then I saw IC which was nice. She says I've been through a "trauma." That it isn't a win/lose situation, that she thinks stbx is prob depressed more than he lets on, etc. That he prob didn't have the same attachment I do (well, duh, if he's the one who filed D). She also recommended I see someone about anti-depressants if need be. I want this pain to go away. Must get back to the old me.
J did text me back that day with "Suzie's" name and saying "Who is that? I don't understand !"
I never replied and deleted it. I wish so badly I could erase him and the last seven years from my head. Like if it had never happened. Like if I had one of those remote control things that they used in Men in Black, the mind eraser-things.
I hope the next month goes by fast so we can get to our court date and just get this over with. Did my cycling class this morning. 14 miles in 40 minutes. Going to study today for an upcoming exam.
Wow, exams and divorce, that's a pretty full plate! Your IC is correct, you've been through a trauma and I personally believe most divorces are a trauma. I've said it before but...our society has this view of divorce as if it is just like catching the flu, something that happens to almost everybody and something you just get over. It ain't so! I feel lucky to be a Christian because we believe everyone is broken anyway so what's one more trauma!
Re: the AD's, a lot of people on this BB have said they found them extremely helpful but I sense there is a real reluctance on your part as you've brought this up numerous times in the past months but haven't acted on it. What's the reluctance, not that I'm saying you shouldn't have reluctance but am just wondering what's holding you back. AD's have side effects which effect people differently. Some people have few if any and others have a number which can make the AD's a pain too. They also take usually four weeks to have any positive effect but the side effects kick in right away. I tried them and rather than waking up at 4:00 am every morning I was waking up at 2:00 am...ditched them! I was on half a therapeutic dose. I've tried two kinds of St. John's Wort for four months and they did nothing for me so I ditched them too. I had no side effects from SJW at all. Anyway, talk to your doctor, you don't have to take them but it's worth knowing the options anyway and, again, some people are true believers, my Dad and my two best friends are among them.
It's also great to see you continuing to exercise through this, that's a natural AD. Good luck with the exams.
You know, I'm taking St. John's Wort and I think it's helped me. It's probably the placebo effect -- just knowning I'm doing something helps.
Sol... you have been through a trauma and unfortunately, you still are going through it. I found it best to describe the feeling to people like trying to tread water upside down... Practically impossible and really hard to breath. Don't sell yourself short. You need the time to recover from this trauma.
As for ADs... That is completely up to you. I didn't do ADs but I look back now and wish that I did. There were several occasions where I actually thought I was crazy and considered taking myself over to the hospital for treatment. Huddled under desks at work, sobbing on the floor of my shower... You don't have to do it that way. for some people, ADs are a lifesaver but you'll never know if you don't try. Again, up to you. I got through it mostly from my wonderful family and this forum.
Stay positive! You're doing great!
Just a word about AD's from my experience. I've never taken prescription meds. unless it was absolutely necessary. I was hesitant to take AD's. I talked with others who had used them under similar circumstances, and they all, every single one of them, recommended them. I started taking a small dose and it helped...it took the extremes off of the fluctuations between feeling pretty good and feeling pretty bad. The peaks and valleys weren't as tall or deep. They help, and I would recommend them to others going through this awful crap...as long as there are no contraindications. Good luck.
Didn't know about St. John's wart. Going to have to investigate.
Whatis...the reluctance is I am not big into taking lots of meds. But I really think I may look into this because alas, the cloud doesn't go away. It's annoying! LOL. And you are right. Lots of people think D is like catching a cold or something that will just go away in no time. Eh. Doesn't work that way.
Stbx deleted most (about 60) of the people on his FB and changed his pic. Still can't see what's on his page cause it's private but the "Suzie" girl is still on there... I wonder if he did this because of what happened last week. I never wrote him back, btw. Do you think he will ever feel sad or sorry for breaking my heart? Do you think he regrets his D decision? Or will?
So the lab partner from my other class wants to study together for the exam later this week. He said we could study at his place. Idk... Should I go?
Guys, I have been asked out by a couples of guys since announcing my D but said no to every one of them.
I'm not there yet but am looking forward to the day I will be...
Sol, I tried St. John's Wort but it didn't do anything for me- I'd skip it. Just get the real stuff.
Dude!! no checking his FB page Sol. Regrets and remorse? yes he will feel them but probably not anytime soon. It will likely happen after you've completely detached and moved on. After you're completely gone from his life and his new life ain't so pretty anymore. Why do you ask? Do you want him to feel sad and sorry now? why? just curious.
Lab partner- here's my 2 cents: How comfortable do you feel with/around him? No guy wants to invite a girl over to just 'study'. Of course, it doesn't mean something has to happen but he's thinking if you did go over at least something will come out of it. So since you've said you're not there yet avoid any mixed signals etc and suggest a more public setting such as a library or Starbucks.
Good advice, Romeo (on the "studying.") And yes I guess "studying" should be in quotes. LOL. I will suggest a library. He did our entire lab before class and emailed it to me so I could copy the answers. Like 3 pages worth. That is crazy (though I was thankful).
And yes... I DO want stbx to feel sad and sorry now. Why?, you ask? Because he broke my heart.
Sol, I tried St. John's Wort but it didn't do anything for me- I'd skip it. Just get the real stuff.
Yes, sir! Onto the real drugs! Haha
So the lab partner from my other class wants to study together for the exam later this week. He said we could study at his place. Idk... Should I go?
NO! Putting yourself in a "it just happened, nobody planned it" position is asking for trouble. You're in deep pain right now and in no place to even contemplate a relationship or even a one night stand that could get complicated, he's your lab partner. I'd stick to studying at Starbucks or the library, make it somewhere public and be aware that you are susceptible right now and probably looking for validation as a woman. Be smart and take care of you right now, don't add to what you're going through. Happy studying!
Btw, SJW can take 2-4 weeks to have any effect and therefore if it doesn't help you'll have to wait another four weeks after that for the AD's to kick in (don't take them at the same time!). Also, some AD's work for some people and not for others and you may have to switch so there could be that aspect to consider as well. So if waiting time is your deciding factor I'd go with the AD's rather than the SJW right now.
or even a one night stand that could get complicated
One night stands can be good. I prefer running during the day though.
Oh and don't sit next to him, sit across from him or too many accidental touching incidents can happen. Like his eraser suddenly landing on your lap or you having a trantula in your hair or him losing his balance and falling on top of you or him mistakenly thinking you needed a heimlich maneuver.
See even studying with a guy can be hazardous.
Happy studying!
Study at a neutral place like a library.
Since the split there was one night where I could have "gotten lucky," but then I thought I'd have to at least call a couple of times, do the fake dating thing for a while and she wasn't someone I'd want to introduce to my daughters anyway.
Too many complications.
So I called her a cab. I was pretty proud of myself.
Btw, SJW can take 2-4 weeks to have any effect and therefore if it doesn't help you'll have to wait another four weeks after that for the AD's to kick in (don't take them at the same time!).
Do you have any ADs you'd recommend?
Oh and thanks to all you men for the "man" perspective on (lab partner). I will suggest a library then. I love libraries
See even studying with a guy can be hazardous.
Happy studying!
Haha. That's kind of like "Congratulations" dripped in acid.
CTH, I am also very proud of you.
I'm not at the "dating" point yet it's kind of fun (and scary) thinking about the first time I do make out with someone in the future. Hee hee.
Hey Sol,
During my first divorce I started taking Kava/Kava. It worked great, made me calmer and helped me sleep. I think its off the market now, have not seen it anywhere. Tried Paxil but its messed me up. So I turned to God, read some good books, conversations with God is a good one. Not sure who wrote it. Wish I caould find it in my house?
^ Thanks for the recommendations and also, thanks for stopping by my part of town
No problem. I was here 10 years ago when my first marriage ended in the D. I was a mess, more so than now but I'm still pretty messed up about this!
Made some good friends on the boards and we even got together once in S fla. I was on the D-board at that time and it pretty much accepted my sitch.
It was soooo hard to be around the newcomers who were there. So much pain and anquish. Lots of crying and heartache.
I had my shoulder cried on but my tears were not to be found anymore. You will get that way too. Right now I am still in shock that i'm here again. You will gain alot from this experience and after all the bad to good will come..
Btw, SJW can take 2-4 weeks to have any effect and therefore if it doesn't help you'll have to wait another four weeks after that for the AD's to kick in (don't take them at the same time!).
Do you have any ADs you'd recommend?
I'd go with an SSRI, Lexapro has a few happy customers I know, didn't do much for me but...gotta run!
I was on Cymbalta for a year but when I went off it I had some nasty headaches! (Could be bc I just forgot to refill the Rx, then realized it had been a week, and decided to go cold turkey. DON'T do that!!!! It says so right in the packaging...silly me!)
My neurologist put me on Amitriptyline for my occipital neuralgia (stabbing head pains cause by a nerve misfiring). I googled it and found it is also an anti-depressent. Then again, she asked me what stressors I had at the time and I told her about then-H. Turned into a therapy session! She commiserated about her unfaithful ex-H and told me to drop mine like a bad habit. Then she prescribed the meds. So, maybe she meant for them to serve two purposes?
Good job on sticking to a library/Starbucks/Panera. Much safer environment for right now. I hear you though on getting in a good makeout session. I had two or three good kisses with one guy and now I am trying to figure out how to have the next date and NOT have him thinking I want to go farther than that?? So playing it safe is definitely a good idea...
I want to get to the point where I hate H. Seriously. I think if I can start feeling angry then it will help me feel better soon.
My womanly instinct tells me he is seeing someone. Idk why or what, but I feel it, if that makes sense?
I hate that he is the one wanting a D, sends me paper after paper from his L, schedules a court date w/in 2 weeks and then we get there and...nothing. I know he is the one who delayed the hearing since he mentioned only going to court as a "precaution." Nice, huh? How the hell can he just move on like the last seven years didn't happen? Did I mean so little to him? I signed his f@*$!ng greencard and this is how he thanks me?
Sorry. Venting. I got an exam back and it was not what I wanted to score but alas, I will have to study harder. Have another exam this week too. Just so hard with all this crap going on in my head.
Does anyone feel depressed reading the posts on DB? Sometimes I do.
Sol, unlike women very few men leave unless there's another woman. But whether there is someone or not does it make a difference? I asked yesterday why you wanted him to feel sad and remorseful. You said you did because he hurt you. Of course he did. We're all injured birds here but we all heal whether they feel bad or not. He probably does feel bad at times but they usually have convinced themselves that it is for the best. On top of that they feel they're the victim etc. We all have ways of coping with pain, this is their's.
Yes you did a lot for him, we all did for our spouses, however in their minds we also did them wrong that none of the good stuff matters. It's quite amazing how STBXW selectively remembered every little argument that I couldn't even recall yet she didn't care for millions of fun memories/pains/sorrows/happiness we shared together.
Hating- or more precisely anger is good to help you out of this rut (believe me I was in the rut for a loooong time) but ultimately indifference is where you want to get to. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. I think I've finally gotten to that point in my R with STBXW. In fact, I talk to her a couple of times a week in regard to DD and we both go on with our lives. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that she gets me like no one else does in my life today. Not even my own siblings and parents. But perhaps it's an illusion too. Perhaps *I* opened up to her like I never did with anyone else and she heard me but doesn't mean she understands me. Of course, there will be times when I'll come out of the state of indifference and feel hurt again when I find out who she's seeing, when/if she remarries, when/if she's taking vacations with someone else- all the firsts I have to go through. But hopefully she'll be like running into an old girlfriend who's now a mother and has a family. You almost feel like you're friends. But that's a long way from here.
Hang in there!
Sol, unlike women very few men leave unless there's another woman
Noted. I hope he's happy. ::sarcasm::
How long did it take for you to start feeling apathetic, Romeo? I need to be there! I want to be there!
I am not Romeo, but I would say about a 6 months after the divorce I was able to see my future without him. I started to see him and treat him as I would the mailman. Just remember I fought up until the end to save my marriage and I had been in that situation for 2 years.
I do still slip on occasion as I know I might in a couple of weeks when he marries his affair partner. I even had a pretty long conversation last night with him(regarding the cancer and the kids). We aren't friends but I try to keep him up to date with the kids as far as school and health matters. Everything else is up to them.
It also helped to visualize throwing that darn rope as far and as hard as I could. No more reason to pick it up and play the game. You will get there.
kat
He's happy on the 'high' but that won't last forever.
People who make choices based on their emotions and feelings never remain as happy as they claim to be.
Reality will set in one day. You might never know a thing about it but it will. No human being is immune to the grieving process and the longer your H delays his, the worse it will be.
You can't rush the process because the process is different for everybody. You have said you have been depressed for some time now. There are tools to help you 'rewire' your brain for depression but as you said, you are not keen to AD's.
I can say I have had some expectations that my H would at least be human enough to show me some measure of remorse. Remorse makes one vulnerable though and many WAS are simply not ever going to allow vulnerability towards the LBS to show.
We have all lived our own experiences and I think we have all learned some lessons along the way. I don't buy the notion that time heals all because it doesn't. Time does give you a new perspective though.
Personally (and this is certainly just my opinion) I think when you are in the middle of the legal phase LOTS is stirred up again and again. For those that can finagle a divorce by going to the courthouse and signing a document and being done, well, consider yourself beyond fortunate. The constant talks with the attnys, the court dates and the steady stream of documents to review and revise is equal to the most unpleasant full time job one can imagine. It's an incredibly stressful, frightening and emotional process.
But much of what you are feeling now are things your H will have to address one day in his own mind. As I said, he is a human being and all the "new girls" in the world won't make him immune to the process.
And you can really look at any situation where you have no emotional investment and see the parallels. My dad died four years ago. Of course I am still sad about it! Of course I was left with all kinds of questions he will never be able to answer. Of course I think about him. And yes, from time to time I do feel angry that he waited so long to get treatment and then it was too late. My sister on the other hand still feels things about my dad and his death in a much different way than I do. To her it is still very fresh. She saw a grief C for a long time after he died.
Two different people (my sister and me) who had the exact same experience are still processing and coping four years later in VERY different ways. And I think a divorce is very much like that. There is no correct speed in how you rectify a major life trauma. Make no mistake about it though... nobody is immune to eventually feeling *something* about it.
Noted. I hope he's happy. ::sarcasm::
Sorry. I've purposely avoided saying it in the past.
As for him being happy, well chances are he will be for a limited period of time. Ultimately though any relationship built on lies and infidelity is doomed to fail. One or the other will repeat their patterns- it's only a matter of time.
As for me, well I've been on this board since 2006 if that gives you any idea lol But for most people it's between a year to two years. In my case it wasn't the time (obviously) it was the realization of what I had become. I'd become passive, weak and not me who I truly was. I was afraid to say and act normal and even when she was reaching for the juggalar I was being nice to her because I still cared for her, I still didn't want to see her suffer, I still felt somehow I was at fault for making her feel this way. How pathetic, how unattractive. It was CTH's casual words that gave me that jolt I needed to wake up. He simply said 'Don't be a martyr'- don't know why on that day those words did it for me. I realized I didn't 'need' her. I was my whole complete person and I had everything in my life I could ask for: DD, siblings, parents, a house, clothes, food, cars...hell what the hell did I need her for? laundry? I can do that myself! sex? I could do that myself too
OK seriously, I wanted her because I cared for her, I cared for her because she was special and she was special because I thought she thought I was special to her too (phew!). Of course, she has the right to not feel that way anymore and that's fine. It doesn't make me any less special or incomplete. So here we are now- I'm content in the life I have, I have everything I need. Life's full of stuff to explore and I feel I'm exploring myself a bit after a long time. I'm doing things how I want and when I want. In fact, the biggest hurdle right now is getting through the divorce...I'd be so happy and relieved when it's finally done. A few months ago I couldn't imagine saying those words but I truly mean them now.
You will get there too.
People who make choices based on their emotions and feelings never remain as happy as they claim to be.
I do believe this.
Today is 1 year since I moved out of my home. It doesn't even feel like it. My time tense is way off. I feel like a year just went by and I did nothing (which isn't true) but I feel like I've been standing in the middle of a thunderstorm and haven't moved.
I am trying and will get through this eventually.
I started to see him and treat him as I would the mailman.
It also helped to visualize throwing that darn rope as far and as hard as I could. No more reason to pick it up and play the game. You will get there.
Good advice. I will pretend the rope is not anywhere near me.
Reality will set in one day. You might never know a thing about it but it will. No human being is immune to the grieving process and the longer your H delays his, the worse it will be.
I don't buy the notion that time heals all because it doesn't. Time does give you a new perspective though.
And you can really look at any situation where you have no emotional investment and see the parallels.
I think you are right on all points. Time does lessen the blwo but sometimes the scar remains. I think that will be the case with my sitch. And of course, the person with less emotional involvement/attachment feels less. Sucks I am on the other side of that.
Noted. I hope he's happy. ::sarcasm::
Sorry. I've purposely avoided saying it in the past..
Why? You didn't want to hurt my feelings? LOL. I can take it. Did you think he was seeing someone that whole time IR? I wonder if he was seeing someone before I left, not that it matters. And if he continued to see random club girl would you guys consider that cheating or not cheating since we were living apart (though doing MC and hanging most weekends, having sex, etc?) To me, it feels like that is cheating. I've never had an age issue in my life before learning this chick he slept with is 23. About the same age I was when I met him. Now I feel...old(er). I know it's sily but damn. That seems so young. He is 33.
It was CTH's casual words that gave me that jolt I needed to wake up. He simply said 'Don't be a martyr'- don't know why on that day those words did it for me.
Interesting cause I remember you said those same words to me! LOL. You told me that when I said I was thinking about signing the house over to stbx. Thank goodness I took everyone's advice and hired my own L (who I think is pretty cool, btw).
but I feel like I've been standing in the middle of a thunderstorm and haven't moved.
One day it will dawn on you that you are living your own life, and whatever you do or don't do is just that. I know what you are talking about, I think. That feeling like you are waiting for the next chapter in your life to begin? Psst... you're in it. You just have to stop spending so much time in your own head
Yes, it seems the world seems it has continued to change and go by and the news and the trees and the world spins spins spins yet I am still here. Waking up and my immediate first thought its automatically and sensation I have that feels like a war going in and on my head (like bombs going off and grenades and toppling buildings) waking up to that without any time in between the moment I open my eyes and that feeling.
It's quite strange. And very dramatic! Haha.
I like your analogy about the storm.
These people put you there with there thoughtlessness. Nobody should do the things these hartless souls do to others and not feel anything about what they have done.
My ex was one of those. Once she was done that was it. No explanations no working on it. 10 yrs out the door.
At least my current wife seems to be sad.
I saw my ex in the supermarket right after I married NW. She said congrats and she was starting to cry. Thats when it hits them. After you move on and like a baby start sitting up, crawling and than running!!
Hmm... so maybe if stbx sees me with someone in the future he will feel jealous? What do you guys think?
Saw some of my friends last night. It was fun. They were saying how I needed to get out of seclusion and stop hiding, that life goes on. So I guess people have picked on my little disappearance act. LOL. Then my friend told me her boyf "called" that stbdx and I wouldn't last, he said this even before our wedding. Sheesh. Talking to him later he said he always felt my H was too quiet and what happened?, and etc. He asked if I was going to start dating and I said No. He asked "so now your life is ruined since this happened?" and I said No I just don't feel like dating.
It's so rainy here today. I kind of like it. Wish I was at home in bed watching bad Lifetime movies and making chicken soup. Mmm. Now I'm hungry.
Way back in March 2009 STBXW -- after bomb before final split -- she said the one thing that will hurt is if I find some younger lady who likes to get out and do things like run, swim, ski, etc.
She said that will hurt.
STBXW seems to be the ice queen. She says she wants me to find someone. She wants to be friends.
We'll see.
Have you seen "When Harry Met Sally." Both main characters really struggle when they see the ex with someone else.
I've seen a guy mowing my grass and the same guy driving my car. She says they are just friends. I guess. If I ever see her out with another guy, that'll really hurt.
I had a friend who got divorced. When he started dating, the ex had second thoughts and started to try to get him back. They even moved in together -- they had a son together with special needs -- but it didn't last. He said there are just things they don't like about each other.
I'm rambling.
I've seen a guy mowing my grass and the same guy driving my car. She says they are just friends.
ALL CHEATERS LIE.
Interesting cause I remember you said those same words to me! LOL. You told me that when I said I was thinking about signing the house over to stbx.
Good memory you have there Sol! wait another 5 years things might change LOL
Yeah I don't like it when people say stuff like your friend's bf said. The thing is people form opinions about stuff and to him it's how he saw you. Doesn't make it as if the writing was on the wall. People told us that STBXW and I were a perfect fit for eachother. Yet some people said that towards the end they noticed things seemed different like we were disconnected. I don't think that was the case at all since it was all a big shock to me when it happened.
Yeah dating etc is just too much work for now. If it happens on it's own then great, if not why take on more stress? You'll date when you're good and ready. For now take time to heal. It's like a wound that needs to heal before that part of your body is fully functional again.
How're things with you lately?
Hey Soleil- just checking in on your posts. Sounds like we are experiencing a lot of the same general emotions right now/ sensations of the world spinning around you- I think this sort of detached feeling has to do with situational depression and mostly dealing with an emotionally taxing situation/ carrying a wound that heals very slowly. CLEARLY (ha!) I don't have the answers- but it is a comfort to read what you've been experiencing emotionally- know that you are not alone. I think this is a space in life that we will move through, albeit ever so slowly and painfully as it feels like the minutes of your life are just being flushed down the toilet.
The thing that has worked best for me is CARDIO! I've been on ADs before and had a bad experience coming off them. So, if you haven't already, I would try lots of sweating at the gym while listening to really good music.
I think the hiatus from DB was nice in a way. But seriously, what happened? LOL. Here one day, gone the next. I felt like a lot of people were seriously at their wit's ends in their sitches (especially John28-poor thing) when it crashed/got updated so maybe it was a good thing.
This "no contact" thing is working out nicely for me. I have felt better in the last week than I have in a long time. Today I woke up with some icky feelings but all in all, I think I am accepting the reality of this more and more each day. I did see stbx in rush hour yesterday--I glanced over and he was looking at me. I just kept driving. Deleted his # from my phone 2 weeks ago, too.
I had a lovely weekend and went out with friends which was nice. A friend of a friend's has invited me out to dinner and I said yes. That felt like a 180 for me. I have declined so much invitations it's not even funny. Have any of you ever seen Twilight's New Moon? (don't laugh). When Bella keeps getting asked out by the one guy at school but she's so depressed & has declined his offers 100 times and then one day he asks her out again and she say, "Yes. I will go." And he's baffled. That is what it felt like. LOL.
Finally got my car back and that is so nice. My repairs ended up being less than I anticipated. The car guy has a lil crush on me and gave me a good discount, plus asked me out to dinner. I told him I'd let him know. He seems nice but I am not feeling it.
Class & lectures this week and lots of studying.
Watch the Yes Man with Jim Carrey. It's over the top and unrealistic, but the premise is sound. Say yes to as many opportunities as you can.
I did see that movie (with stbx) actually, CTH. And the idea behind it IS hilarious but could be good (as long as you're not doing anything really dangerous/illegal).
I once read a book called "F@ck, Yes!: A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything" (1988) The message of the book was that of personal responsibility: embrace life and recognize the consequences, both positive and negative (so a reviewer on Amazon wrote!) I don't remember an f'ing thing about the book myself except that I read it, lent it to my aunt and never got the f'ing thing back!
I think this was the first time the board has ever been down this long. Not sure what happened.
I'm glad the no-contact thing is working out well. It usually does once you get over the initial 'missing' part. The less contact there is the better you start to feel. I'm glad to see that you're making good progress there!
I assume this friend of a friend is a guy...well have a great time at dinner!!
How did your studying go with the lab partner btw? don't think I don't have a good memory
I once read a book called "F@ck, Yes!: A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything" (1988)
This title is hilarious! I actually googled it yesterday and couldn't find any at my library's catalog but it was available on Amazon. I want to read it. It got some pretty good/funny reviews.
Romeo, the friend is a guy. As for the lab partner, well I took your advice and told him to meet me halfway for studying and he never responded. Saw him at class for the exam and a few hours later he texted me apologizing, saying his friend OD'ed, etc. In a way, I'm kinda glad nothing came of it.
I once read a book called "F@ck, Yes!: A Guide to the Happy Acceptance of Everything" (1988)
This title is hilarious! I actually googled it yesterday and couldn't find any at my library's catalog but it was available on Amazon. I want to read it. It got some pretty good/funny reviews.
I think Jimmy Swaggart wrote it! I believe he said "f@ck yes" to everthing, as long as it was with a hooker.
Haha. Good one, Whatis. I have such a fun idea of what you are like in my head... first with the scripture and the Lord cursing (by the way, I copy/pasted it to my sis for a laugh) and now this book recommendation. I imagine you as the person at church who randomly curses and the the congregation stops and looks at you, gasping wide-eyed. Good times
You had asked on Romeo's thread when this got better. For me it was after the divorce. I fought for my marriage all the way up until the end so after I began to see my life without him. I also know that I gave it everything I had so nothing to be ashamed of.
I was in the mess for a bit over two years and have been divorced a bit over two years. There is so much stress of the unknown. Who knows what a divorce is like if you haven't gone through it. The limbo and then constant dread took a real toll. So much better now.
kat
Look at you Sol! the lab partner, the friend etc- you're swimming in the sea of available men. So when's the dinner? Are you looking forward to it? feeling butterflys?
What's the scoop on your D? I forget if you ever got a date nailed down?
Haha. Good one, Whatis. I have such a fun idea of what you are like in my head... first with the scripture and the Lord cursing (by the way, I copy/pasted it to my sis for a laugh) and now this book recommendation. I imagine you as the person at church who randomly curses and the the congregation stops and looks at you, gasping wide-eyed. Good times
Well, f@ck yes, I still share my humour at church, I just tone it down a bit!
Hi Soliel,
I read your entire 34 pages today! You've got a lot going on - thank you for swinging by my thread.
Sincerely,
Mrs. A
Mrs. A--thanks for stopping in. And that's a lot of pages!
Who knows what a divorce is like if you haven't gone through it. The limbo and then constant dread took a real toll. So much better now.
ITA. People who haven't been through this have NO idea what it's like.
Whatis... I really really want to buy this F!ck Yes! book. It's on the top of my Amazon wish list.
Romeo, dinner was nice. It also felt weird in a way. He was acting into me and I told him I am not looking for anything serious at all and I am going through a D. I have known him for about 6-7 yrs/same group of friends.
I don't think I will do dinner again w/ anyone until my D is final. I know life doesn't stop after D and my stbx is the one who filed the D but leaving dinner I went home and crawled into bed and thought about what I used to have and what I don't now and it made me sad.
It's all mentally exhausting.
No class or lab for me today which makes me very happy
Anyone watch the show Dexter on Showtime? I got caught up w/ it last night and it's getting really good!
Hey sol sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey sol sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
Hey I'm glad your dinner went well. I know what you mean by it feeling weird- been there done that. I haven't gone on any dates/dinners etc since then either. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with going out for a bite to eat as friends. Just casual stuff you know where you don't have to dress up to the 10s etc. That should have nothing to do with the D. Just enjoying the simple things in life.
If you like any of these guys and want to hang out again just tell them that you only want to be friends for now. If they like you they'll be patient.
Have fun today! (I don't watch TV- and newmamma it's not because I'm cheap lol)
leaving dinner I went home and crawled into bed and thought about what I used to have and what I don't now and it made me sad.
It's all mentally exhausting.
I hear ya for sure, but you're doing an amazing job hanging in there!
Sincerely,
Mrs. A
People who haven't been through this have NO idea what it's like.
I don't think I will do dinner again w/ anyone until my D is final. I went home and crawled into bed and thought about what I used to have and what I don't now and it made me sad.
Nope. Agree completely with your 1st sentence.
I'm not doin' anything remotely romantic with anyone until my D is final either.
Yep, I can relate to your last sentence too...but, Gypsy reminds us to "water the seeds, not the weeds"!
It's all a part of the process. I am looking forward to going out to dinner again, and movies, and all of it because STBXW hadn't had that kind of relationship for the three years prior to the separation.
Really, our 10th anniversary trip to Las Vegas was the end of that. We were there four nights and she spent the first three at the end smoking a cigarette (she'd started up again) and staring out the window at the Bellagio (I went all out) water display.
And I laid in bed wondering what she was thinking about. She was a million miles away during that trip.
Two weeks ago, I had the strange feeling like I was in high school again when I asked two women out for a big event. It hurt when neither could go. But it was a little exciting to just ponder the possibilities.
Two weeks ago, I had the strange feeling like I was in high school again when I asked two women out for a big event. It hurt when neither could go. But it was a little exciting to just ponder the possibilities.
I've been told by others that they look at rejection in the dating world as a scratch. When you sustain a scratch you wash it off, maybe put some medicine on it, and get back in the game. You don't even think about it anymore.
Sounds like a pretty good analogy...and a healthier way to look at it!
I'm just sayin'...
I am annoyed today. I am tired of waking up most days w/ a damn migraine and thinking about how he doesn't want this M. F that! I am tired of caring about a man who obviously doesn't give a damn about me! I am so tired of feeling this awful feeling and longing for someone who can so easily walk away from me and then act like it's cool to be seeing eachother after we D with and having tons of naked looking girls on his online profiles, that his own family sees -- Did I never mean anything to this fool???? Looking back I see this is what he wanted the entire time. It's not good to mindread but my bet is this f-cker has had someone on the side for a long time now. Maybe his new piece will give him herpes! He wouldn't even get tested after he told me he f-cked that girl! I hate that he makes me feel old, like I lost the best years of my life with him, all my damn 20s, on someone who could so easily walk away and bang a 23 year old! I guess I got too old for him!
I AM TIRED OF CARING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ME!!!
I pray each day for the Lord to take away this awful feeling I have, for the day I won't remember his stupid ass, for the day I won't think of his face/name/any memory of him. I dont want to think about HIM and yet this post is about all him. LOL.
I wish so bad this D could be declared OVER. I want out. I want nothing to do with him anymore. It's like a black damn cloud hanging over my head. Screw him!
It turns my stomach how calculated he was--at first saying we could talk about where our R was going only AFTER I signed the house to him an the legal sep. documents then how in one week, he told me if I didn't sign his damn greencard he'd file for divorce (which I signed for him and he filed anyway) AND we scheduled marriage counselling in the same week. That is SO seriously f*cked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this man, who he is now, and
I
AM
SICK
oF
THIS
BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He lied about loving me and making a life with me and how badly he wanted to get married, always wanted to get married, from the beginning when I was thinking, WTH? Wow. He is serious! He would always say "Sol, I hope you are taking our R very seriously...cause I am... I want a life with you." F-CKING LIAR!!!!!!!!
I will never trust anyone again like that. Never.
Sorry but I really needed to vent.
::Fixing my hair after screaming rant on DB and straightening out my skirt::
I will come back and respond to you all in a bit before I throw this keyboard out the damn window.
Well on the brightside, it appears I am hitting the anger stage
Hi everyone.
So you know what I keep thinking about? The day after we went to court when he called me saying how sad he was and how I told him not to call me again. I keep wondering if that was mean of me. Opinions? Would it have changed anything?
Hey sol sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey sol sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
I do So(l) love that song
It always reminds me of my niece. She thinks it's amazing.
Really, our 10th anniversary trip to Las Vegas was the end of that. And I laid in bed wondering what she was thinking about. She was a million miles away during that trip.
I can relate to that. We went overseas in July during wed. anniversary and I remember watching him in the ocean and thinking, "This is so f-cked up." When we had sex I was thinking about him being with her. Yuck.
I've told STBXW not to call unless it's something about the girls that has to be taken care of that day.
IMO, you handled the call after court just fine. He was just looking for you to make it easy on him.
After our second mediation session we were walking to the car and STBXW said "I know this isn't what you want. I'm sorry." I took a step towards her and I stopped myself and didn't say a word. She said "I'm sorry" again and I turned and walked to the car.
I think she was looking for me to say something like "it's OK" or to give her a hug ... something to ease her guilt.
I know I can't carry around the hurt and anger forever. Read the lyrics to Don Henley's "Heart of the Matter." I have to get to forgiveness someday.
But someday is a long way off. Right now, I have to survive and thrive and hopefully along the way I'll reach forgiveness.
Sol~ it wouldn't have changed a thing except keep on giving you bread crumbs and it causes you to not move on with your life in a healthy way.
After our second mediation session we were walking to the car and STBXW said "I know this isn't what you want. I'm sorry." I took a step towards her and I stopped myself and didn't say a word. She said "I'm sorry" again and I turned and walked to the car.
I remember you posting this on your own thread and it is a story that has always haunted me. ((CTH))
Sol~ it wouldn't have changed a thing except keep on giving you bread crumbs and it causes you to not move on with your life in a healthy way.
Ya you are probably right. Sometimes it's good to hear it from a 3rd party. What more could I do right? I asked if there was anything else that could be done and said I didn't want D. No regrets, right? Eh, I vacillate too much. Oh and I'm studying
n ursing, btw.
Well the last time I went on FB (last time, promise) I noticed that girl I suspect is the one who he slept with has a boyf (which he said she did at the time she f-cked him). Anyway stbx said the incident happened on a night he randomly met her in Dec and I noticed they've been friends since about Nov-ish or before. And she is also friends with his good friend (the one who's house they all f-cked at). I don't know if she's the girl but my BS meter is going off.
Sigh. I wonder when I will be over this. I wonder if his sleeping with someone else is going to affect any future relationship I have. I hate to admit but I feel insecure in a way after learning of what he told me. I don't know why he told me since he wanted a D anyway. Why tell me? It was like the last twist of the knife in my heart.
He said he would never be happy (while telling me he wants a D). That makes no sense. WTF does that mean? Reminds me of that Sheryl Crowe song.. If it makes you happy--it can't be that bad..... I feel like I wasted so much time on someone who could just cut strings and walk away like we never even happened. A small blip on his journey to wherever he is going...It pains me to think I meant so little to him.
My nwe thought of the day.. My D sitch is that he wants me to sign the house over to him and for me to keep some furniture (which is already in my possession). I told him I would sign the house if we could agree to a settlement. Well, he balked at this. He says it's ridiculous for me to want $ from him (though he makes substantially more). We went to court in Sept. - he filed a motion to try to get me to pay half the mortgage and if not, I could sign the house over to him and I showed up with my L and he postponed the hearing until next month.
I am thinking a new strategy for me could be to tell him either we settle of we can sell the house. What do you guys think?
I found that house. He knew nothing of it. I helped fix it up, make it ours and he moved his family in w/o telling me, charged them rent & never gave me a dime for the extra expenses of his fam. living there. It really dings me thinking he could be doing all this to move some new chick in to benefit from everything we worked so harhd for together.
So what do you guys think of my new idea of asking him to either settle with me or sell the house when we go to court in NOv?
Citygirl, if you are out there, I'd love to hear from you!
Do what's financially best for you. Don't do anything out of emotion. This is not a personal deal (moving in some new chick), this is a business deal.
You have to take the emotion out of it. It's for the best in the long run.
I was going to school for nursing (prereq's) but then my school went to a lottery draw and it's by luck if you get your number drawn. 150 applicants 23 spots.... so I am looking at RTherapy.... because it's still on the best of the best number system.
I only have 4 years of Maintenance left so I really can't afford to wait and see if they draw my name.
I was all for trying to settle things amicably -- even though I didn't want the D -- but then STBXW misconstrued some things we talked about in February and she got an attorney and that forced me to get an attorney.
Do they have anything similar to collaborative divorce in your state? In that system, you both retain lawyers but you sign agreements that you are going to reach a settlement before going to court.
The lawyers then act as advisors. Your STBXH could say I'd like to have the house and you have this and your collaborative L could give you advice.
The only problem is if it doesn't work then you have to start from scratch with new attorneys.
It sounds like you are emotionally invested in the house. I wouldn't give it up without making sure it was in your best interest.
STBXW is living in the house my parents owned when I was a kid -- but I chose to let her have it. It was strategic in my part. I don't think there's any way she can hold on to it long term. By the time she gets out from under it I should be well on my way to being able to afford my own.
Oh I'd love a "collaborative" D but stbx does not want this at all. Collaborative to him is signing over whatever he wants. He does not want to settle with me at all, just wants the house lickety split.
I am so glad that it's Friday!
I have, CTH. When he filed the last motion, I counter-sued w/ another motion and lo & behold he withdrew his motion while we were in court.
He later told me he filed the motion as a "precaution." Basically he did it so I'd be scared & sign everything to him.
Have you guys tried mediation? Just wondering. Mr. A and I did it - it was intense but not nearly as adversarial or scary as the lawyer/court stuff.
Hey Sol, sorry wasn't around.
As for your emotions and feelings, yes, yes, yes...you're absolutely right about everything you said. However, the sooner you realize that things out of your control are just that the sooner you'll be able to free yourself of the ball and chain. You're a great woman, all of us see that. He's stupid to leave you behind like lots of other WASs- most of them took us for granted and they're high off of the excitement/distraction of something/someone new. But make no mistake, their time will come when they'll one day realize what they lost in the process. For us we truly have to let them go- set them free so they can see for themselves the kind of people we are. Any talking, questioning etc will only make their resolve stronger. If it's meant to be they'll come back and if YOU DECIDE to take them back at that point you could. If not you'll move on...and you will.
I know you're hurting...actually you do quite well for days even weeks (or at least show it that way) but then you get into this mode which is normal and very understandable. Look how far you've come in just the last 3-4 months, you'll keep doing better slowly but steadily.
Sandycay hit it on the nail i.e. do what's best for you financially. It's hard to offer a suggestion without knowing the equity/value of the house.
He can't get you to pay for half of the mortgage but since the date of separation any money he's spending on the house will be considered his equity. So say the house is worth $100k and he owes 90k to the bank. The equity in the house is only $10k. Theoretically you'll be entitled for the $5k. However, say he's paid $3k on the mortgage since separation then you're only entitled to $2k. Furthermore, selling the house has costs associated too say that's $10k- well in that case there'll be nothing to split except the debt. Just a crude example.
If you want CG's advice, get on FB. I don't know if she'll be posting here anytime soon.
Soleil,
Your thread is very large. Please start a new one.
Thanks,
sg
Stbx texts me at almost 2 am this morning:
He doesn't know what to do! That he misses me so much and he hopes I am happy because he is not.
WTF is this? I don't understand. I did not text him back. I don't even know how to respond to that...?
I know you're hurting...actually you do quite well for days even weeks (or at least show it that way) but then you get into this mode which is normal and very understandable.
Wow you so hit this spot on, Romeo. That is exactly it. I can be feeling ok and the wave of the madness comes back and well, you know.
As for CG, please send her my best. I'm not on the alt and hope she didn't leave here for good.
Soleil,
Your thread is very large. Please start a new one.
I will definitely do that. Are you one of the moderators, Sgc? I have no idea who the mods on are this website...
Also, is there a way to delete some of my threads?