Those of you who have read my thread know my XW is the textbook definition of loose cannon. You've often seen me write that she's like Freddy Kruger in ""Halloween". Just when you think she's dead, the hand comes out of the lake to grab you in the rowboat.
Been divorced over a month, and mine was one of those marriages that SHOULD NOT have been saved. She was never invested in making it right, and her personality is not reflective or introspective in any way.
D18 just graduated from HS. She got 6 tickets for the ceremony; me, S12, D20, XW, XW's fether. That left one ticket. The woman I heve been seeing (Gym Woman!) for the past two years managed to get a ticket from one of her friends who had extras. That meant that D18 could offer the left over ticket to XW so that XW's boss (Smarmyscumbagparamourlawyerboss)who she started seeing when I was in Iraq, and continues to see) could have tic 6. D18 forgot to tell XW she had the extra ticket. XW found out and flipped out on D18! D18 can never again drive the Jeep that XW's boss leased for her when I was in Iraq, and XW refused to drive D18 to graduation. Psycho? You decide.
Next ambush. I got a text from XW Monday night at 930PM asking me what my "plans were for S12 today because both of his sisters were working". S12 is with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays from the afternoon onward.
She had him call me this morning at 8:00 and ask me "what my plans were for him". I said I had not made plans as he was not with me until this afternoon. I told S12 to put her on the phone. She statred to quote chapter and verse of the parenting plan. Stuff that just doesn't exist I just hung up on her.
At 8:30, I got a text from XW that "He's on his way in" She just dropped him off at my work and promptly left! Today is a work day for me, and she is the custodial parent.
The next issue is when I leave for 2 weeks to do my Reserve duty. She gets 1/2 of my Army pension eventually. She wants me to pay for child care on the nights S12 is supposed to be with me on these days. Are you kidding? What a control freak.
I really need to make behavior like this stop. Do I have some recourse? I don't know where it says anything in the parenting plan about me having him during the days of the week! My lawyer things a contempt charge might smack her on the nose. What mother does this?
(((FLTC)))It is such a shame your ex does this to the kids. Guess she didn't learn anything about supporting the children through the divorce in the mandatory parenting class! It's still all about her!!! Unfortunately it always will be I suspect. My ex never followed the parenting plan either, but it was because his job took him out of town on an irregular basis. That, and as a high school senior daughter didn't like staying with him at GF's house. I never once got any extra money for him not taking her (never asked, actually-although I certainly missed having any break from parental responsibility!)
Hopefully things will calm down eventually and your children will not be caught in the crossfire!
Happy 4th of July!!!
P.S. Hi FLTC. Now if you don't write on your old thread for a while I have learned to check to see if you started another new one. You don't need to hide from US!
Ex Wives Are ForeverYour ex is the worst of them all!
If she's dropping the kid off at work when he's supposed to be with her that's just not right. What if you were not at work or offsite etc? Maybe time to start documenting all this with the help of your L and ask for a bigger share of the custody.
Maybe you could throw a bucket of water on her and see if she would melt! Hang in there.
kat
Wait a minute, Kerry. There needs to be a VOTE before we actually acclaim FLTC's ex as the worst. I agree - she is HORRIBLE!!!! But many of us could write a book about similar stuff with our exes too.
The only answer is to let her spin out of control and just step back and stay out of the mess. Anything that is harmful to the children or not in keeping with the agreement is to be dealt with by your lawyer and hers. When I finally learned this (took about 6 years), I stopped reacting to everything and refused to give into his demands and uncontrollably bad behaviour. Now I just pretend he is someone I once knew and take care of my own world and the needs of my children with no thought of him AT ALL!
Barb
The majority of all other ex's were just cruel to the LBS. FLTC's ex is not just cruel to him, but also to the kids. She is a witch.
I vote for FLTC's ex to be the worst I've read on these forums. She has replaced
this guy as the ace of spades.
Hey FLTC..
I'd follow your lawyer's advice.
Your former spouse is inconsistent.. dumping the kids (and putting them in the middle) when it suits her and having no flexibility when you have a conflict of interest.
With your son's camp, perhaps you can find a counselor who'll stay with him for a fee til your daughter/former spouse can pick him up. Or going to a friend's house who's at camp those two days might work.
Document the conversations, the instances of her abuse toward you and the kids and hand it over to your lawyer.
Nothing you do or say will change her behavior. Give it to your lawyer.
If your former spouse wigs out anymore, I vote for getting her a toupee.
*hugs*
Vote for your favourite, FLTC's ex!
Call now, lines are open for two more hours
You can vote up to eight times
Don't let someone else decide who will be Godzilla of the ex's!
The majority of all other ex's were just cruel to the LBS. FLTC's ex is not just cruel to him, but also to the kids. She is a witch.
I vote for FLTC's ex to be the worst I've read on these forums. She has replaced
this guy as the ace of spades.
I don't know. FIB's ex-wife was pretty darn horrible, even to the kids. She's a nightmare. That's pretty hard to top....
SD
vote to document this mess as well, what a sad excuse for a human being...
Happy 4th of July!!! It's a good time to thank you for your service to our country, FLTC!!!
Found you! LOL
Wow.
Just wow.
Document it. Document it. Document it.
If she's dropping them off so you are having more time with them, you can always ask to have custody and child support amended to reflect the true split of time.
Hang in there.
Try not to let her get to you. She's just trying to get reactions out of you all.
FL,
There are people in this world who do not care about the kids. You know this. I always looked at my X as having his own agenda and that was to make himself richer by either making me poorer or making his son's pay. He does not care about them. I believe that your X does not care about hers. We must come to a place where we choose. We think that the D will cause everything to go away but it does not.
I am back to observe and lurk for a few minutes.
As soon as I got to the DB site, my stomach hurt. I saw new names….names that implied such incredible hurt and betrayal that it made me almost sick.
It’s been about 5 years since I began posting here. First on the “Separated, now what?” board, where I think I posted every 5 minutes, looking for a cyber life line, to the “We’re separated…..” while I was training to go to Iraq and then while in Iraq, and finally......"Surviving...."
I saw the new names, but with the old feelings of anguish. I can remember when I couldn’t get out of bed, and making my bed seemed like running a marathon.
I think about the night I tried to check out for good in April of 2006 because all I wanted to do was end the pain.
I think about the anguish and torment of dealing with an absolutely impossible STBXW. (If you can check out my posts from 2005-6, read them if you don’t believe she was just miserable!)
Of the constant two year battle just to get divorced. Of finding out my STBX was having an affair with her 65 year old boss who was still “married” to his wife who was dying of cancer.
To both of their denial that this was an affair, to my days in Iraq during the “Surge” when I kept in touch with all of you and slowly but steadily began to get “GAME” again, to my return home, a reborn person.
This is a horrible, hideous vortex I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It is the most upsetting thing I have ever gone through, including a year in Iraq at the height of the violence.
But then…………..while doing leg presses at my favorite gym in October of 2008, still having a deployment-shaved head, the universes converged and “Gym Woman” appeared……when I least expected it. This was a woman that I had known for years. Her daughters and mine went to school together. We were in the same social circle for years, we actually enjoyed each others company at parties for years.
In 2001 her husband delivered the “I’m not happy, you aren’t into me and my career, you don't sit next to me, but with the kids on an airplane I want a divorce” speech……You remember one of that nature, right?
He left her and two kids…and forgot to tell her that he and his secretary had become, Ehem… cough, cough: “exercise partners”!
I had survived mortars, rockets, “pucker-factor” helicopter and plane rides and other flying metal debris in Iraq for a year, and all I wanted was some joy in my life. “Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to pick this one” (Casablanca?)
I think we were both immediately hit by lightning. It was an unbelievable coincidence. She had only moved back to town a week earlier, and I was never at the gym at that time. She said “I’m so glad you’re back. I read about you in the paper, but I didn’t know you were back.
Truth is, I thought a lot about her when I was deployed. Where she was, if she was remarried, if I could ever contact her and how awkward and sketchy that might be!
After a few more “chance meetings”, I asked her out and she gladly accepted. We have been together ever since. Inseparable. Two years later on July 4th, I asked her to marry me and she accepted. It was awesome. My divorce was final in May, but I had been separated since July 2006…4 years.
Here’s my message: I was probably lower than anyone on this page. I actually tried to take my own life because all I wanted was to make the pain of losing my family (at least that’s how I viewed it) to stop.
Looking back, I was a verbally and emotionally abused MALE! As hard as I tried, I couldn’t influence my miserable STBX to change her mind. Looking back, some marriages should NOT be saved. Mine was one.
Not that this type of ending will ever happen for everyone, but there is hope, light laughter after this heart-wrenching process. It might take 5+ years or more, but it does happen. Time is a wonderful friend and the best possible medicine.
There were times when I was alone when I would physically tremble from fear and could not stop. The word “Divorce” made me want to throw up.
There are some great people on these boards. They got me through some horrible times….five years and a combat tour worth of times. Relationships are hard work. I’ve done a lot of personal overhauls in my outlook as well.
My STBX was miserable, but if you don’t take stock in your own failings, you’ll fall right back into the same tar pit. Be reflective, introspective….....always try to see how you can improve. FORGET your “former spouses”. They’re not worth the time of day.
For now, keep hydrated, wear your protective eyewear, and turn off the shower when you lather up! (Operaton Iraqi Freedom Wisdom!)
FLTC
Congratulations!! I am really happy for you both. I know I don't know you as well as some but I have read along since I moved over here this past year.
I too get saddened just seeing new names, knowing that they never stop coming. People keep hurting each other over and over. It does get better, even if you slip and get a scrape now and again. Thanks for sharing so much. I for one have appreciated it.
kat
Congrats! It's great to hear how your life has come together. You went through hell adn your'e still standing, you're an inspiration to all of us here. Thanks for dropping by and sharing.
Awesome Dude!
How long until you make Brigadier General?
Hey FLTC: That is AWESOME!!! Congrats to you. It is a long road back from the depths of despair but I don't know anyone here who hasn't been there. To recover then have the faith to find love again is just wonderful (I should know).
So when is the wedding? And are we all invited? Well, even if it is virtual - that's ok! Or did you already tie the knot? I'm beginning to think about doing the same myself...
Barb
Yeah for you and Gym Woman!!!!!
Thanks, everyone. Kerry: No BG in my future. No interest in doing the War College. I have gone to formal school for over forty years....I'm done. It's FLTC's time.....new lease on life that I could have only imagined 5 years ago. To go from such depths to great happiness (except the constant pebble in my shoe that IS XW!)was unexpected. My heart still aches for everyone on these pages....mostly left by heartless human beings......Our 4 daughters are off at school, and only my S12 is left home, and he's easy!
November is the big month. Hard to believe we have been together for two years. I had been separated for three years, and a year in Iraq was the "total detachment tool" (Caution: I don't recommend that "therapy" for everyone, but it sure made me get my head out of my as&!)
You are all some great human beings. I wish you nothing but the best! I'll check in now and then. After all, I've resided here for four years!
FLTC......OUT!
I have not been here much, but so happy I checked today and learned that you are getting remarried. Best wishes!!!! I wish you and GW a lifetime of happiness!!!!!
Well, with some freE time on my hands, I went back and resurrected the legendary "Christmas 2006 Post" that I have often mentioned. Here it is in it's unvarnished entirety! Totally untouched!
It shows that:
a. some marriages can't be saved and should not be.
b. that the people on this board are just a God send, because look where I was in 2006, and where I am now! Marrying a wonderful woman; buying a new house; two years removed from Iraq! I owe a lot to my current state to the great friends on this board.
I got on my feet in no small part from the support I received here.
I hope that my story, as least as it turned out today, can give you hope that if I can come out of this freak show, taking about 5 different medications, to where I am today, it can happen for anybody!
Hang in there; believe in yourself; throw the WASs under the bus (easy....easy....FIGURATIVELY)!
Without further delay....MY DISFUNCTIONAL CHRISTMAS TALE, 2006:
Can I have a reality check here? It really was what 2T2's post said just the day before.
Fortunately 2T2's post resonated with me yesterday and today, as I lived through two days of mine fields. The plan was to spend Christmas Eve and today w/ W. and kids. She was already angry because I didn't call early enough on the 23rd, and kids already cleaned the house. I was going to offer to clean it on the 24th and had no idea it would be done a day earlier. Went to my old house yesterday at around 9:15 AM. Took Ds to get present for W. Every year, we have had the same couple at our house for dinner. W. puts on a really spectacular spread every year, which requires a lot of planning and preparation. She buys great food and a lot of wine. We begin by having some wine and talking. W. started cooking dinner, and begins to lose her composure and asks if anyone has seen a "microplaner". I had no idea what she was talking about. She starts tearing cabinets apart, slamming stuff. D14 and I start to scramble, but realize we don't know what she wants. It ends up it was a cheese grater (who knew?) Ten minutes later, I ask to help and put cheese I a bowl. I picked the wrong bowl (it wasn't pretty enough). Five minutes later, W. gets upset because she can't find a bread basket. We all start to scramble again. W. goes to the basement to look for basket. Female guest looks at me and said : "You can't do anything right". After dinner, I clean all the dishes and put all the food away with Ds help. W. talks with guests. W. will not talk after guests leave, and starts stomping around.
Christmas morning: I purchased and wrapped all of the kid's stocking stuff, and more than half of the presents. She budgeted for presents,which of course I mostly pay for anyway, but I put a lot of it on my card instead of our common card (who cares?). Got W. $100 gift certificate for makeup and another $100 gift certificate for a liquor store that has great wine. Kids are happy, love their stuff. W. actually says thank you for today.
Afternoon rolls around. S8 is at a friend's, D16 is at a friend's, and D14 is on the computer. W. falls asleep in front of TV. I lay on the other couch near D14 and fall asleep for 10 minutes. W. leaves to visit her mother's grave and comes home in a rage. Said to me:" You're here to visit with the kids, not nap". 10 minutes, mind you. Not 2 hours. Two kids were not even home. I replied "It's just what you did" She replies" I'm not here to visit with the kids". Next landmine: I called my S's friend house saying I'm coming to pick him up. The mom says come and have a glass of wine. I took one of the 12 remaining bottles of wine W. purchased so I didn't show up empty handed. W. loses it again: "How many bottles of wine are you going to drink/take, 10, 20?". I had about one bottle all weekend. Remember I gave her a gift certificate for $100 at a liquor store that very morning. I can't reason with her. I go and return 30 minutes later.
W. starts to yell that the dishes have been out all day and they should have been put away. I did dishes all weekend, because I know I can't cook, and yes, some clean dishes were not put in the cabinet. D14 starts going after W. "Pick your battles. Why don't you just put the dishes away?" I told her to be quiet and back off.
I replied "I'll do it. Why does it need to be on your schedule?" "Because it's my kitchen." I know she did the planning and cooking. I don't just sit around however. All the presents, doing all the dishes, went out with kids to throw the football two times for at least an hour.
She might be stressed because I'm leaving for almost two years, with one being in Iraq, if all goes according to planned, but she's been like this for years. A love lost? Disappointment as a mother? Anger at me for sure for not stepping up with angry D sooner. Not showing up with a case of wine (which she would not like anyway). Maybe not offering to help earlier. Maybe as COG said, she's a caged animal. She be with kids all alone for about two years.
Uncle.
Reading that old post of yours made me remember the steak scene from Raging Bull...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qp1A-QfIg0kIf you've never seen it, the Raging Bullwinkle parody is pretty darn funny...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATq00wMe2Lw
Isn't it amazing what time and perspective can do?
Congratulations, Frank - wishing you many blessings.
Congrats BIG Time!!!! aww, how wonderful you got a good fiancee
after all you've been through, wish you much happiness!!
FLTC, how much do you see and talk to the ex today?
FLTC, how much do you see and talk to the ex today?
I think it depends on how much body armor he has on hand!
FLTC, is there a way to put aside the past? You won't forget, but would it be easier to let it go???? It seems like Michelle has an article called, "Forgiveness is a gift you give YOURSELF".
Not sure the article is appropriate because I haven't read it in years, but the title seems helpful. YOU did all you could do. You were never going to please your ex wife.
You are an amazing person to have lived through all you did and came out on top of the world. Your children are lucky to have you for a dad.
Haha. Well, we all knew she was a control freak. Same old, same old. Oh wait, that was old. LOL
I guess it's interesting to note for historical sake, and as a reminder of how much more balanced and wonderful your soon-to-be wife is. But definitely time to try and put away the past. Who wants all that baggage to carry around? Let your XW carry it lol.
Part of the issue is that I just want her to "GO AWAY", but everything has to be a massive control freak issue. More of the same old stuff. S12 bought a gumball machine for 2 bucks at a tag sale. XW tells him "You're not allowed to keep that at my house" (Really?), so I've got a 20 year old gumball machine (It's actually pretty cool) at my apartment.
She's done that with presents I've given my kids as well, like the University of ---(where she goes to College) SnowGlobe I got my D20 last year. She was not allowed to bring it to XWs house, even though that's her residence. "That has to stay at your FATHER'S" (Really?)
Every encounter with her has to be ridiculous. There is never a simple yes, no, black, white, up, down answer or response from her. Everything has to be "Untying the Gordian Knot". She can never give me a simple response. I want nothing to do with her, but with three kids, that's tough, but every issue, I feel like the brontosaurus in the tar pit!
Don't get me wrong, I'm in an awesome place, but she's such a nut ball!
Her control of S12 is ridiculous.
Check this one out! One time this summer, he was with his two sisters in the car with XW, and she made him hang up on me...ready ????.... "Because there wasn't enough conversation among everyone in the car".....Controlling enough? Mommy dearest? Joan Crawford-esque?
Kerry; great analogy, LMAO Raging Bull......"coffee, COFFEE....HOW LONG I GOTTA WAIT?!"
or my favorite......
"Where's the meat? Bring it ova here! BRING IT OVA HERE! IT'S LIKE A PIECE A' CHACOAL! YOU OVERCOOK IT AND IT DEFEATS ITS OWN PURPOSE!" (What?)
REALITY CHECK REQUESTED:
BACKGROUND:
1. XW gets $3000/month in unallocated support.
2. Parenting plan specifies S12 is with me from 3PM until the next morning on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend. Nothing in there about me paying for his care from 8Am-3PM on thoise days if it's summer or XW is working.
3. Hockey is $3000/year. I agreed to pay half of that, but now I get bills for $17 for half the price of a sweatshirt for the team; $15 for half the price of a music book; ANYTHING extracurricular.
Here's some back and forth emails from her to me. WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON HER ENDING LINE? I NEED TO GET OVER HER EMOTIONALLY? WHAT?
I never contact her, and I'm barraged by these emails from her all the time with her hand out.
I'm in the process of buying a new house and getting re-married.
HER:
Here are my latest expenses for the kids. The check to Br.... is all yours for the Tuesday 8/31 care for S12. Section O of the parenting plan.
We have a lot of unpaid/clear accounting from prior months. I haven't seen anything from you for the actuary for the QDRO and I am waiting for insurance payments for bill since may and beyond for example. And there are other payments that have not been paid in full.Please go through your bills/emails etc and let's get that cleared up.
Thanks.
ME TO HER:
I will write a check for my portion of the medical and other expenses that you have attached. There is no provision in the parenting plan anywhere for me to provide any child care for S12 prior to 3PM on the days that I am scheduled to pick him up. It simply is not there. I'm not going to pay for 8/31 or any other day where he is with me after 3PM. I will also caution you about dropping him off at my work as you did in July. Once again, that's why you are given a substantial amount of compensation per month.
Secondly, although I agreed to pay for half of S12s hockey because that's a huge expense, nowhere in the divorce agreement is it written that I need to pay half of every minor extracurricular. If you can find it, please send it to me, because not one of the copies of the agreement do I have that.
Third, I realize that I have to pay half of the amount for a QDRO, but I simply will not tolerate, under any circumstances, a continual flow of legal bills so that you can tweak my pension numbers until you get to numbers that your finally happy with, as occurred during the divorce.
HER TO ME:
You can save attorney fees by following the agreement or by self representing but I need the money for your share of the expenses. I am contacting my attorney to follow up with yours about these.
You owe me for very old insurance claims, the actuary for the QDRO, other unpaid medical expenses and activities for the kids. If you are going to self represent please let me know that too.
Why can't you just get over all of the silliness and do what you should as a dad? You have to let go of your emotional tie to me, please, for your sake and most importantly the kids.
Okay here's my take on what is being asked of you:
Extracurricular activities: I would pay these but make her provide you receipts for all of them so that she just doesn't arbitrarily hit you up for expenses that she may not actually be valid. I have a daughter who is in competitive gymnastics which has significant fees and expenses that I split 50/50 with my STBXW. These expenses include apparel wear, i.e. team uniforms, warm-ups etc. After all these things are also for your kids and really when it comes down to it if you don't then you end up with your XW possibly telling your kids "Sorry Junior you can have a team sweatshirt because Daddy refuses to pay for it." Plus look at the economics of it - $17 for half a sweatshirt vs. $200+ hour legal expenses to fight it.
Child care. I'm not sure what state you are in but many states factor child care costs into the child support agreement. This is something I would get some counsel on from an attorney before I agreed or disagreed to pay.
Best of luck,
BA
She is full of it to think you have any emotional ties to her anymore. Her last paragraph was totally uncalled for, but it does remind you who you are dealing with - someone who is an a$$hole.
As for the kids extracurricular and activity expenses, I went through a bit of a butting of heads after the D was final. Nothing was in writing about who paid what in the judgement. However, there was one short exchange of 2 verbal sentences by both L's at the status hearing and it was transcribed by the court recorder. Her L asserted that I was to continue paying the extracurricular expenses and mine agreed.
So the way it worked out is I continue paying what I had been paying during the year long D process. Any increases or new activities could be negotiated or I could refuse. For instance, the violin lessons went up and I convince XW to cover the increase. I was also able to get her to handle the piano lesson expenses as well. She and OM got the kids into tennis lessons and she pays for that.
My advice is to pick your battles carefully. Maybe there does need to be some clarification as to financial responsibilities. I wrote out some post D agreements on my own and XW and I both signed them and forwarded to the L's for their records. You are dealing with a much more hostile XW and you may want to suggest the use of a mediator to save money in getting some agreements worked out.
She's baiting you.
The only emotional tie you have to her is dislike. Unfortunately, she knows how to use it.
You have to get better about not reacting to her. Adopt a "you wish I cared" attitude.
She's got years of experience at what gets under your skin and she's not afraid to use it. So you gotta grow thicker skin, be a moving target.
I would agree that paying for half a sweatshirt is cheaper than fighting with Ls involved, but she has a tendency to push boundaries.
Whatever gets decided get it in writing.
E.g. maybe just sign something that says you will split current extracurricular expenses in half, with receipts. But that new activities must be discussed.
I would say that in theory this is no different than when you were married because couples should discuss and make financial decisions jointly, but if I recall correctly you just gave her the money. Guess it's a big adjustment for both of you.
My initial reaction was for you to write her an email with the largest font available:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
OK, not a good plan.
But what you do have is UNallocated support (which is very, very good for you and sucks for her - you get to deduct it on your tax return, while it is all income for her, and therefore, she must pay taxes on it).
Another possible response to her:
"I fulfill the requirements of our agreement. Please highlight the sections of the agreement pages that you find that I have to reimburse you for, if you think there may have been an oversight. If there is an old bill or something else that you feel needs to be 'caught up' with, send me a copy of such, as well."
Be a broken record - don't buy into or respond to her last paragraph of delusional thinking.
I learned an incredible phrase here that I have used until my ex finally realized what my boundaries were and started to respect them:
"That (whatever crazy demand they have) doesn't work for me."
If I am in a generous mood, I might even provide a counter-proposal. Otherwise, he is sh*t out of luck and will have to take it up with someone who cares.
Then you occasionally buy your son a team sweatshirt (or similar example).
I don't expect a thing from him for the kids outside of the agreement. This summer, my S got a job working at Boy Scout camp. Our agreement calls for both parents to split the costs of summer camp up to a certain cap. S was being paid, but had to buy uniforms (about $230) to wear for the job. I sent his father the expense, but was told that "clothing is part of the child support I pay you." Without another word to him or my S, I just paid the bill.
Good luck with it....
Hello everyone!
It's been quite a while since I posted anything here. There are only a couple of my former friends still posting, wii, Gypsy, SunFun......
I just celebrated my first anniversary with my new wife (Gym Woman) for you DB Archaeologists. Things could not be better. For those of you still spinning, reeling, wringing your hands: I could not have been more distraught than a mere 5 or 6 years ago on this site: posting every 10 minutes, seeing every post as the next lifeline to get me through the next hour, and yes...the darkest despair that you can imagine. As you older posters may remember...I tried to take a "dirt nap" by prescription medication. I don't think there was a lower low possible. Most of you recognize that awful cavern, but I can assure you, I was WRECKED. BUT...if you can hold on....if you can get that next ten minutes....slowly crawl out of that abyss, it WILL get better. My good fortune may be an exception, but it CAN and DOES happen.
For all the changes we try to make in ourselves, because we have been told by our former spouses "we are too much this...we aren't enough of that....you know what? SOMETIMES it's NOT you! With a few minor tweaks in my behaviors, my new wife thinks I'm the greatest guy around. I always thought I was a pretty decent person, but when you get figuratively kicked in the head every day, you start to believe some of the hype thrown out there by an ex-spouse.
They never seem to find that bright elusive butterfly of happiness that they are chasing...cause you know what? Sometimes, maybe it IS them......
To all my old friends: You are some great people. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope life gets much better for all of you!
FLTC
Great to hear from you FLTC..and happy anniversary!
Happy Anniversary FLTC! That is so awesome to hear. Have a wonderful holiday season full of love!
FLTC: You're a bright and shining star. So many people have gradutated this site but never come back to say hi. So glad that you did.
I am very happy for you and Gym Woman and I hope things are going better for the kids.
Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving!
Barb
I don't think there was a lower low possible. Most of you recognize that awful cavern, but I can assure you, I was WRECKED. BUT...if you can hold on....if you can get that next ten minutes....slowly crawl out of that abyss, it WILL get better. My good fortune may be an exception, but it CAN and DOES happen.
That's nice to hear. Congratulations. It's hard to see much good from where many of us are right now. You've been in a bad place and you made it out. I'm happy for you.
FLTC!! makes me happy to know you are having a great life, Happy Thanksgiving to you too
Jeepers FLTC, I thought my sitch with XW had been out there! good to see things are goin' good!!
Hey everyone,
Thanks for the responses. I intend to try and get back here periodically, because this place was such a place of refuge and consolation for me during my "Excellent Adventure".
I thought I'd try and rebuild my life in installments when I re-deployed from Iraq, never dreaming that I would run into such good fortune almost immediately.
This WAS not the kind of luck I was used to for the previous 5 years!
As some of you recall, my year in Iraq allowed me to regain my confidence, and come home almost impervious to STBXW's slings and arrows. (What are you going to do? Send me to Iraq?) I may be the only person ever who went to war to SAVE his life.
I met my current wife in the gym after being home for two months from Iraq. It was the weirdest thing. We knew each other years ago, as our kids were in the same school. Her husband did the old "I'm not happy" in 2001 (code for: I'm scr*wing my secretary), a week after 9/11, and she was divorced within the year, moved away, got a second college degree, but returned a month before we met.
It's true. Things come your way when your LEAST expect it. Don't think I could ever do the Match.com/eHarmony dealio. No, I KNOW I couldn't have done that.
If some of you have the time, and you think that you are down and will never get back on your feet, look at some of my earliest posts. It will probably make you feel much better about yourself, and my XW may make your XW/XH look like the voice of reason!
I was a complete basket case......just wanted to die, and was almost successful in making that happen too! Went to work and closed my door and hoped for the day to end. Couldn't handle a routine issue.
Had a STBXW who was as twisted and as angry as it gets, and an older daughter who was out of control with a midlle daughter with a significant eating disorder (who is now a sophomore at a great college in Boston, and is doing OK!) Oldest daughter; not so much (Ugh!)
Hang in there.
There were some old timers who were really supportive: COG, FrankD (who I actually called!) Timothy 2:23 runningoutoftime, ancient history! I NEVER EVER thought in 2006 I would EVER write posts like this.
Hang in there. Keep calm and carry on!
Thanks for the inspiring post. It's hard to imagine one can ever be happy again when one is in the grasp of rejection and betrayal and heartache. I'm glad you are happy now.
Antlers,
You're quite welcome...miracles do happen! I just never thought it would happen for me, and I was OK with it not ever happening at the time.
I still do get some sadness when I have to drop off my 13 year old son at XWs after he's been with me. This JUST shouldn't have to happen to kids. It's like dropping a DVD off at a RedBox. You must have him there on time.
Breaks my heart as he waves and goes up the driveway, with bags and clothes and shoes and hockey equipment, like he's been at "Occupy Wall Street!"
We almost treat children of divorce as if they're a different species of children. Suddenly it's fine for these kids to regularly spend days away from their father, and then days away from their mother. It's the kind of thing that the average married parent would never conceive of doing to their child.
Parents who wonder how they can make divorce easier for their children are missing the point: Divorce is never easy on kids.
The problem is that it just fundamentally restructures a childhood. When you divide one home into two, it really deeply shapes children at the level of their moral and spiritual development.
The death of a parent is less devastating to a child than a divorce.
The death of a parent is less devastating to a child than a divorce.
I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree.
That's OK. Disagreeing is fine. It is devatating to a child rehardless.
Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988)
That's OK. Disagreeing is fine. It is devatating to a child rehardless.
Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988)
1988?
I can understand where antlers is coming from a parent who has died really didn't have a choice, (even in suicide where the pain is too much to deal with, kids will not understand that choice at the time)
But a parent who chooses another person over their child has to be painful, because that parent is still living on this earth, but has made the choice of hurting his or her kids daily, knowing that your parent has chosen to leave for some one he or she met at work or over the internet, to be still on this earth breathing and living and still not make your kids a priority or to cut them off completely is more painful than the death of a parent in my opinion.
But to Gabby's point, what if both parents are both still actively present in their lives on an equal basis and effectively co-parent?
Divorce is never easy on kids.
Some parents convince themselves that it's not bad on the kids because they don't want to feel guilty about what they're doing. It's a selfish mindset. When they're old enough, the kids realize that the parent who left was willing to give up half of the time with them that they used to have. That's hard on kids...to know that their mom or dad placed less importance on them than on threir own selfish wants. And kids do realize that.
My S16 did something rather interesting for Christmas. I asked him what he wanted and while he joked he basically said that I knew him and I should trust that. His Dad didn't do so well as he doesn't know him really and keeps getting him stuff that is so off base. Cupcake maker for a then 15 year old who isn't much into cake....
Last night ex and I were at our daughters' concert band and orchestra, and during the kids changing between the groups, we were talking about Christmas. Yep he doesn't have a clue on what to get S16. I told him what I got him to kind of point him in the right direction but I am not sure if that will help.
So unless he goes with the moped that he does want, I hold my breath for what he will be getting. It is sad how little the parent that left bothers to know their kids.
kat
It is sad how little the parent that left bothers to know their kids.
Yep.
The kids and their well being are not a priority with the parent that left.
Uh, I'm the parent that left! I stayed for five horrible years trying to save the marriage. When the situation became unbearable for everyone involved, kids included, I pulled the plug. I told her to either dump the OP and work on our M or we're done, she said "we're done" My kids are incredibly happy and well adjusted but that's because Voldy and myself put our crap aside and focused on helping our kids through it. It's not what I wanted but it is what happened.
Just to mention, I didn't just leave either. I stayed another four months while a SA was worked out. My kids helped me find an apartment and decorate it. We talked about what was happening to our family frequently. I have them half the time and Voldy has them half the time. I live three blocks from my old home...I'm done.
I'm the one that left too -- but only because I was asked to because she said she was done. XW gave my girls the impression I left because I wanted to. When it came up and I said I was asked to leave that really surprised D9.
Anyway, I'd say I know D9 and D12 better than XW. She has a wall up 15 feet high when it comes to her feelings. She never talks to them about what they are feeling because of the D.
So yes, that was a bad generalization.
It all comes down to ( for young children) that your parent would rather spend time with some one else than you.
Think about it most kids of divorce would see the parent that left what every other weekend with the options of an extra day a week, mean while that parent is spending most of his or her time with the person they left the marriage for.
Young kids don't understand, even teens get resentful of having to leave their friends to go visit the other parent.
Plus having a parent in your life that is so toxic is a no win game, most kids feel to guilty to cut them out of their lives, and more than likely pick up some traits from that toxic parent because they don't know any better and it's becomes a coping mechanism, only to affect their future relationships.
And for the record, I never said divorce was easy on kids.
I disagreed with saying it was worse than the death of a parent.
I didn't ask to be divorced. I didn't ask to be a single dad. But I am.
My sons live with me half the time. Were they affected by the divorce. Of course!!
Are they better or worse off now? That's not a question I can answer.
Are they well adjusted young men who know that both parents love them? Absolutely.
Am I friends with my ex? No.
Am I polite and cordial to her when it comes to the boys and eventually on the same page with her on issues affecting them? Yes.
I guess the bottom line is that when you say that divorce is automatically horrible for the children it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
FLTC!!!!!! Long time no see.
A very belated Happy Anniversary and Happy Thanksgiving!
I have also been taking some time off here.
Great to see you are doing well!
Maybe I should say the person that wanted out of the marriage tends to not be so vested in the kids. They want to be free and sometimes that means from the kids too.
Kat
Maybe I should say the person that wanted out of the marriage tends to not be so vested in the kids. They want to be free and sometimes that means from the kids too.
Yep.
I don't think you're comparing Apples to Apples here (love that game by the way - great for everyone in the family). Every situation is different. Death - is NEVER easy. Neither is divorce. But they are not the same.
Everyone needs to cut themselves some slack here. I, too - wished my ex had died. Many many many times. He continued to cause us repeated pain over the course of many years. Death in our situation would have been easier. Simple.
Wii, C2H - just because you may have chosen to be the ones to move out does not mean you were the ones to end the marriage. You are both here on DB and I believe your spouses made the choices that caused the marriages to end. It isn't about the "leaving" here. And - yes - we all contributed in some ways to the downfall of our marriages but in mostly all of our situations - our spouses wanted out - simple and nothing we did made a difference. So cut yourself some slack. You are good dads!
Barb
Wii, C2H...I believe your spouses made the choices that caused the marriages to end.
I believe that too.
Wow!
Looks like I really struck a chord here!
My divorce has realy altered my relationship with my D19. She previously had a significant eating disorder (it's ALWYAS going to be there, she just seems to manage it better now)
She has the typical profile of an eating disroder girl: perfectionist, overachiever (4.3 GPA in high school)and the need to be loved by a mother who takes emotional hostages.
She wanted to go to a 52K school on the east coast, while I wanted her to go to the state university here at 21K; one of the best public universities in the U.S.
According to the divorce agreement, I am obligated to pay 50% of the in-state tuition, room and board at the highest priced state school.
Well, D19 DIDNT want to go to UCONN. She wanted to go to the 52K school, to which I replied: "It's not worth 52K". XW promptly stepped in and became the "SUPERHERO"..."If you want to go there, somehow, I'll find the money" Either her dad or her grandpa-boyfriend (He's 65, she's 50) footed the bill.
NOW, XW constantly lords this over D19, who won't do anything to upset the monster. Last year, XW told D19 "Money's tight. I don't know if you can go back to B&$$*@ College"
D19 immediately panics, and asks me for more money. I replied, no, transfer to UCONN. She flipped out on me, and became as self-centered as possible, and called me every anme in the book.
Somehow Mommy dearest "found" the money after I told her I wouldn't pay another cent for her to be an English major at a horribly overpriced school.
Just one example of how XW takes emotional hostages. It goes on and on.
Anyone out there have experience with an XS that uses the "Parenting Plan" as a weapon?
I have another question. Looks like Santa may bring FLTC a contempt charrge for a stocking stuffer.
(Hi Michelle! How are you doing?!)
Wii,
Sounds like you've got lots of unfinished business there. Sorry to hear it. A contempt charge is serious stuff - keep your sh*t together no matter what ex does.
Yes she's a nutbag but you know that - your thread title says it. All you can do is hang in there but I have to ask - "What is your lawyer doing for you these days?"
Barb
Anyone out there have experience with an XS that uses the "Parenting Plan" as a weapon?
I have one that hates me to this day, is already involved in a committed relationship with a man that she was friends with over 12 years ago when she and I were raising our kids, but continues to tell me what a mean bastard I was and how bad I hurt her, and she often uses the kids to do it. I just got the most awful text from my 15 y/o daughter last Friday and I could hear her moms voice all the way through it. So yeah, she uses the kids against me to this day.
Contempt for what????? You can't leave us hanging like that!
As for the attitude, why are you surprised? Did you really think time would help? She has always had an entitlement issue and the fact that you don't jump to her whims anymore has been a never ending source of frustration for her.
Let's face it. This D did not work out how she planned. LOL
As for the parenting plan, she will use whatever she has against you. Just do what you need to do and what's best for the kids.
Michelle...ah...you do remember my XW! I didn't want to leave my DB buds new and old in the lurch...you're right.
Yeah, “CONTEMPT” is a strong word, but those of you who have read my postings know that my XW is one of the most irrational, angry people out there. If you want to do some archeological digs on this site, look back at September-December 2006 and check it out.
Anyway, here’s the deal. My parenting plan has a lot of ridiculous stuff in it that sounded OK 4 years ago, but you all know how that goes……….
On odd years, I pick up S13 from school on the last day of school before winter break. He stays with me through Christmas Day until 5Pm, when I’m scheduled to bring him to XW’s house. He stays through the next morning and then she brings him back to my house.
I have that week off, so he’s with me for 10 days, and she’ll see him for 5 whole hours over the Christmas/New Year’s break.
When I was married to XW, we had the same family at our home on Christmas Eve for 20 years, and she of course, wants nothing to change.
Over the past two weeks, she’s been lobbying to have D19 and S13 at her house on Christmas Eve, because they “have asked to come over”, regardless of what the plan says. She wants the old traditions to continue regardless.
I hold my ground, unlike anytime during my 20 year marriage to her and said “D19 is an adult, and she can go where she wants to. (My new wife’s) daughters have planned on being at our home for Christmas Eve for several months, because we all wanted to be together”
Here’s the rub. My new wife’s dad had some medical issues this year, and we are scheduled to be at her parent’s home at 3PM on Christmas Day. Who knows where he'll be next year, and he's a great guy. Bottom line: We need to leave at 1:30 to get there.
I notified XW: “I can’t get S13 to your house at 5, and need to drop him off at 2PM on Christmas”.
Her EXACT reply: “I will not be at home all day, and my house will not be available for him”.
I know it’s the plan…got it…understood, but she won’t give an almost 14 year old a key to her house, and “won’t be available all day” (after hosting a party the night before until midnight, with D19 most likely there and sleeping at XWs)
I know it’s not her job to be flexible for me, and I KNOW what the plan says, but what mother wants to spend only 5 house with a 13 year old on Christmas, and does this look a bit vindictive and aimed at….well……me?
By the way, I brought the kids to my house at noon last Christmas, because I wanted to see them, and she was OK with that.
Bottom line: If she's not home, he's going to come with me, and she can try the contempt route for 2 hours if she wants.......
Hey FLTC...
Happy Anniversary and for all the holidays past and future.
It's good to hear you're still your spunky self and continuing on a healthy relationship with your new wife. Your ex remains consistent in her wacky ways. Good for you to maintain healthy boundaries and recognize her manipulations and not be controlled by them.
Moving on and time are the greatest healers. I know that getting my own place has been one of the best things that has happened to me. I'm making my own life and only slide when I have to deal with the ex. See.. I no longer say "former spouse" to minimize any sense of negativity! He's just someone I wouldn't want to know.
Big hugs. And if you like musical theatre, come see "Guys and Dolls" at Center Stage Theatre in Shelton. My daughter is in the ensemble. They always put on a great show!
*hugs*
Kathleen
Hmmmm she won't let him come over 3 hours early. What a laugh!
Maybe a message saying "Where can I drop him off early. Otherwise I will have to take him with me." Or maybe she can pick him up from somewhere?
As always, calm calm calm. And get it in writing so if she does try and take you to court you can show you tried to work something out to get him there. You know how to handle this.
Deep breath.
Good on you FLTC. That's awesome.