...is how I would have liked to sign my last physical note to X, but he wouldn't get the reference.
Avermont here--I would like to link my "how to 180 when you have been too independent" and "next steps" threads to this forum, but can't quite figure it out.
Any of you smarties out there can help with this?
And then I will continue my healing and moving forward on this forum.
No point in being on Infidelity anymore. No R with X, equals no infidelity. It's his business now who he is with, right?
Thanks to all who have posted along the way.
Well, with my finally keeping a dishtowel in the car for those driving/crying sprees, I have been thinking how important it is to always know where your towel is!!
I never thought about that. I know the first six months or so, I kept several boxes of kleenex in the car. I would head out about 3:30 or so for my daily crying jag. But doing that helped release the pent up pain too.
Yeah, I'm thinking about marketing a super-absorbent, soft and soothing towel as part of a "surviving divorce kit."
Super-towel! For when Kleenex just isn't enough!
How's that for a slogan?
And let's not forget those early days when a BATH towel was required--better for muffling the howls of despair, too.
Pillow. It was thicker. Almost three years later, and I still use it sometimes, although now it is rare...
Calling all froods to the launch of Aver's new super absorbent, super muffling, soft, soothing and tasty towel!
I really could've use the cone of silence from the Get Smart series, lol, so I could scream when it pleased me so
Well, now I need the Heart of Gold drive to leave this improbability behind.
Oh, friends--X emailed me asking me to call. I emailed back, sure,about 1:00, can you tell me what this is about? no answer.
Short--They're getting married. He felt he wanted to get it to me in person. He said he wanted to tell me in actual person. He said something like if I wanted to get together to talk, ask questions, he was willing to do that. I said something like I asked that months ago, and you didn't want to, and I wasn't aware that he was now willing to do so.
He said with some frustration: I've been trying to get together for months!
I said: it always seemed to be about the house, or the bills. You never indicated you wanted to talk about personal stuff.
He said: well,l was trying, and it seemed like you were putting up the barriers.
well, yeah, trying to save my heart and my life.
Anyhow, I managed to be calm, said congrats, asked when the wedding would be. He said he didn't know that, that it would be small, no big event.
I thanked him for letting me know. I asked again--if you want to talk, what are you proposing? a counselor? what?
He said he wasn't proposing anything, just letting me know he was willing.
I don't feel that now is the time to ask anything. What could I say?
Oh, and karma is there somewhere--he broke his leg unpacking the truck.
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
So--from a contented afternoon weeding MY yard, to the bath towel on the floor howling.
Oh, god, if I had only spoken my heart and asked him to marry me--I had wanted to do so for some 3 years--but our communication..anyhow...I need all your help and support now.
I don't know your sitch, but I do know pain. I'm sorry this is happening to you. May his leg take a long time to heal!
(((((Aver)))))
I can't imagine how you're feeling right now.
But I'm sending Marvin to cheer you up, with a pan galactic gargle blaster.
Well I will just share that the last time my x tried to contact me in person many years ago I was too afraid. NO no no. Email communication only. Good decision. Turns out he had been encouraged to share that he and the OW were having a baby long before we were even divorced. It wasn't a good day and I feel your pain to this day. There is no reason for you to see him at this point if you ask me. Which you didn't. Take care of yourself. Wonder
Hopefully his leg will take longer to heal than my heart!
Oh dear God, how am I going to get through the pain of him getting married?
I was sort of expecting it--I just felt that he would make that move, having been frustrated in not marrying me all these years...I can only hope her biological clock is ticking (we never wanted kids. One of the first things I asked him when he said he was with someone else, was: do you want children? He said no. But hell, as we see, people change)
Seems like a lot of changes for one man in one year: new woman; new job (within his company, just a change up) giving up the house he adored; leaving the town he loved; giving up the Planning Commission which he loved; deciding to get married.
Don't the stress experts say that anyone of those things is like a factor for a heart attack?
Well, it is just one more body blow. If only I could listen to my C and stop the self-blame. The remorse.
Thanks for stopping in. I will need a lot of words and hugs the next little bit.
Hey Aver!
Top of the morning to ya!
Depending on which bit he broke, I can say with medical confindence that it will take at least 2 years to return to as close to normal as it will ever get. I do hope your heart is much mended by then. Unless he's unlucky and gets regional pain syndrome afterwards, in which case he's stuck with it for life.
Weird how they completely change their plans isn't it. My WAW was totally obsessed with having children well before we even met, but now says she isn't interested anymore. Always wanted a cute farmhouse with a bit of land, dogs running around the kids playing football, some sheep and chickens and a nice big veggie patch. The FIL was even trying to buy us one just a year ago. Now she's dating an image obsessed pretentious twonk, who wouldn't even walk up our drive when it was being repaved and covered in sand in case it messed up her shoes, hates children, thinks football is just "too common," hates pets, only drinks champagne, and lives in a pristine white furnished apartment in the nicest city centre area.
He's racking up the chances of depression, and significant illness from stress.
Check out the SRRS here for the details.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scaleRegarding his marriage - I dearly wish we hadn't done it given events 6 months later. I expect he'll feel the same in some months time. Will they be wasting a large amount of money? Don't forget that magic <1% long term success rate for relationships borne of lying, cheating, disrespect etc.
And on a lighter note.....
Hope you're ready with those jobs for today - don't you know that one of the uses for one's towel is as a whip
((((()))))
Thanks, guys, thanks thanks.
Keep the notes coming.
1% of R surviving that started out in deception? Well, they made it to the one year mark--I'm guessing that's how they marked their anniversary.
OK OK--let's remember to think about me. What does Avermont want? How does Avermont envision her life?
Unfortunately on the broken leg, it's just the fibula, not the tibia, so he's just in one of those velcro braces for a few weeks. I'm only hoping for some complications due to inactivity and diabetes.
Remind me, Lees, not to use the towel-whip on myself!
And it is incredible how your WAW changed so 180. Really really bizarre. Does it help at all, seeing her act like someone you never would have been interested in, in the first place?
Well I've had very little contact with her whatsoever since the break up. We saw each other a couple of times in the first 2 weeks and since then I've only seen her twice. Once at her Dad's farm where I just blanked her completely as I just couldn't handle speaking to her at that time, and then last week she turned up unexpectedly to pay the court order I had to take out to get my money from her. I hear about her and OW a lot from other people especially at work, her family, and it helps me with keeping the fog idea in my head. She isn't really behaving like her usual sane self, and has certainly gone off piste with choice of partner. I've met all but one of her previous serious partners, and they have all been rather more like myself. It helps with thinking they'll never last. But who knows? Wish there were both a crystal ball to put us out of our misery, and a magic OP removing tool - perhaps we can steal one from Adobe Photoshop.
So come on Aver - what do you want? What does your ideal future hold for you (unconnected to relationships)?
Ah well fibula can be pretty painful, especially if the nerve that wraps around it is involved.
Well I've never tried, but I expect it's pretty tough to manage a decent towel whip with your own frood towel. Better leave that to the rest of us.
So Aver, you've overtaken me on the journey!
STBXW is now officially in 'a relationship' according to D18 - it's no longer an affair hah.
Apparently she doesn't want to take things any further with OM until she sorts out the house with me.
Looks like my hiatus is coming to an end.
I wonder if she'll break a leg or arm or something else important. We can only live in hope I guess.
Take care
cat03
I really could've use the cone of silence from the Get Smart series, lol, so I could scream when it pleased me so
Gets today's
Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award! 
"Cone of Silence"! When's the last time i even
thought of/remembered that one?
aver,
Oh dear God, how am I going to get through the pain of him getting married?
That's gotta hurt...bad. I'm sorry. But you
will get through it in time.
Seems like a lot of changes for one man in one year: new woman; new job (within his company, just a change up) giving up the house he adored; leaving the town he loved; giving up the Planning Commission which he loved; deciding to get married.
Be concerned with/focus on you. Not him. His choices; his consequences.
Don't the stress experts say that anyone of those things is like a factor for a heart attack?
Don't borrow trouble. Least not someone else's. Heart attack? I doubt it. Stress? Yes. Misery? Hopefully.
Well, it is just one more body blow. If only I could listen to my C and stop the self-blame. The remorse.
Get it. Trust me. One of the stages is "Internalizing The Rejection", i.e., must be me, my fault!
No, it's not.
Thanks for stopping in. I will need a lot of words and hugs the next little bit.
(((((((aver)))))))(((((((aver)))))))(((((((aver)))))))(((((((aver)))))))
And it is incredible how your WAW changed so 180. Really really bizarre. Does it help at all, seeing her act like someone you never would have been interested in, in the first place?
For me it does.
Thanks, Gardener.
I have Journey; got thru Shattering--haven't gotten to internalizing. Clearly it is the next most important thing I need to do. Maybe even ahead of the bills.
I have got to keep the focus on me; read the section on internalizing.
But I can keep hoping for stress/misery/further broken body parts for X, can't I??? Except we know it is bad karma to wish ill on another.
I'm just not saintly enough to honestly wish them the best with a true heart. That will take several more lifetimes, I'm afraid.
On to the workday--thanks for checking in.
aver,
Except we know it is bad karma to wish ill on another.
Yep. Tempting, though!
I'm just not saintly enough to honestly wish them the best with a true heart.
Nor need you
ever be, imo.
That will take several more lifetimes, I'm afraid.
Ya think?
((((Aver))))),
I found you! I'm here, I'm so sorry for your pain. I am really having sympathy pains for you. Your instincts to focus on YOU are right on target. That is all there is to do. You do not need to think, worry about or see X.
Meanwhile I am sending prayers your way. Keep talking to C, posting, I still don't have internet at my brothers'
(long story) & using the BB is kinda hard, but know I'm here. You have my support & as much positive energy as I can muster to Vermont! You can, and you WILL, get through this. We are here for you. Keep posting & reading, this is a good forum (I should consider moving over) & I'll check back soon.
Keep remembering your strength, you will get through this. I'm with you in spirit every step of the way. Lots & lots of hugs. (((((Aver))))))
Yay, LFA, there you are!
I'm hoping somebody SMART will link my previous threads to this one.
I am in a much better place.
Spent an evening raking up the grass clippings and honestly feeling: I can live in my power. In my life. I am creating my life. I am me.
I can't say that feeling of strength lasted forever, but I can try to trust that it will come back. And stay longer each time.
I can see that I am progressing in getting through the pain. I musn't forget to work on the internal emotional issues that brought me to this place, though, or all the pain is for naught.
Sort of exactly like PROMISING God you won't EVER drink that much tequila again as you are hugging the toilet bowl, but once the pain is over--back to the fun!
Right? So, everyone, please remind me that getting past the pain is one thing, but working on how/why/what I do, think, believe, act is the next necessary work.
Or you will all see me here again someday, right?
Now, LFA--over to your thread to see how your weekend GAL activities went! (though to be fair, you were moving, dealing with X and dogs, etc. OK--next weekend then!)
Thanks so much for checking in when you can--
Link to Aver's former thread in Infidelity (I hope!):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2004827#Post2004827 All I did was paste in url from the last post. I'll submit & see if it works...
(((Aver))),
I'm so glad! I know I'm coming into this late, I feel so awful that you were in such pain last weekend. Being sick, moving, & getting ready to go out of town - I was disaster last weekend! I'm sorry! I tried logging on on my BB, but it's damn near impossible to find people's threads on that itty bitty screen
so much for being "smart")
Yes, yes yes - by george I think you've got it! You ARE on the right path, I see it in your post, you are not just going to get through it, I predict you are going to make with flying colors.
I have had those moments of peace, in the midst of all the pain. Doing something, much like you raking grass, & suddenly my mind clears & I have a feeling of "it'll be OK". Not sure how or why, but it's like a gift from God when it happens.
You have already done so much work, made so much progress, I wish I could distill my thoughts on paper as clearly & concisely as you always do!
I realized when I checked my thread you were probably raw with pain when you posted on there but still took time to comfort me & give some pretty doggone good advice! ((((Aver)))))
We are going to be like a couple of battle-scarred veterans, a few more lines & grey hairs (so that's what makeup & haircolor's for!) but much wiser for the wear.
And in your case, looking pretty good to several men (that we know about!!!)
I'm so glad you're in a better place, courage & wisdom will keep you there. (((((Aver)))))
You're the best! Now, to see if any of my admiring fans link in..
Yeah, the iphone and BB not so good for checking in.
I had a college friend visiting this weekend. Just a coincidence that she was relatively close. It was so great to be with someone who knew X and me from the very start, and process with her.
(and in the incestuous world of theatre majors, she slept with X, too, so she had some insights!)
She did have some great insights with the bits she had seen with X all those years ago, and the way she had seen my interactions with him over the years. Not necessarily the nicest insights to hear, but sooo necessary.
And then she helped me go on FB and make the big announcement to all the college friends. That was about the last big hurdle, I think and hope. (other than seeing their wedding announcement in the paper some day! bleh!)
I'm very lucky to have my town and community. Lots of town interactions as I brought my friend around and showed off the town and friends.
I may have made some good progress this weekend.
But remember--I MUST do the work. I can't just get past the stomach upset, and forget the pain, and merrily go back to the tequila. (metaphorically speaking)
and now to check your thread, dear LFA.
Hey Aver. Sounds like a very productive weekend to me. Friends are fab, and I'm glad you have a great community to be in too.
I don't doubt you'll do the work gal. I'm sure you've done a great deal already.
Well my FB life is getting ever more interesting. I've left the WAW's personal info as "cheater, liar, left my wife for her friend and colleague."
I still can't decide if that's the right thing in terms of exposing her to more shame, or the wrong thing in making me look too bitter and twisted. She won't notice it herself, she barely uses FB, but I'm sure her friends will.
Hey lees-
Well, I have to say that I think that your changing X's profile such leaves you looking perhaps not as big, and not carrying the dignity and class that you will want to remember some time from now. When you are feeling better than you are now.
I wanted to post on my wall: X is a cheating, cowardly, liar! and then post the rest of the gory details.
Friends convinced me that the best thing to do was send FB email and give the news that way. More discreet. Better taste. Etc.
So I did, and I feel good about that. I did respond to some of my friends' notes with the gory details, and invited them to pass them on as they wanted to. So--I am not perfect!! I want the world to know what a terrible person X is!
That's my .02 cents--and I would also suggest just staying the heck away from your X's FB page. Unfriend her, and her friends. FB is just really too evil an invention. Don't torture yourself by looking at her page.
You always want to look like the better person, no matter what it takes.
((lees)
Thanks Aver,
I did take it down again pretty quickly. I unfriended them a long time ago. Her friends I don't think have any idea what she's done. She won't be telling them. But she is stupid enough not to have changed any of her passwords for remote access to anything!
Had more of my lovely colleagues giving me support yesterday, and saying they didn't know how I'd dealt with it all so well, and how hideous they both are.
Almost makes up for the paintball bruises!
Hi Aver,
Checking in to see how you're doing. You sound good! I'm impressed how giving you are, posting on other's threads. I haven't even posted on mine! But, I will.
Sounds like a great weekend w your old friend. That's wonderful. Old friends can be such a comfort. They can remind you of your life before X. Sounds cathartic that you & she were able to share some insights on X. You seem to be processing through this in the best possible way. -If you're feeling better, then it's helping.
I hope you have some fun plans for the holiday weekend. I just finished a big project at work & now need to focus on some GAL activities.
Thinking of you, and sending lots of (((())))) your way. I'll check back soon! ((((Aver))))
Hey LFA--
Here I am, almost in real time!
I was thinking of you this morning, hoping for a GAL update.
I am making progress. I am moving along.
BUT--and I said this to my therapist yesterday--the key thing--and my tendency to do--would be to say "well, OK! got thru that! Whatever!" and then NOT DO THE NECESSARY WORK.
Such that I would be back in her office 10 years from now, sobbing out the same story.
I have a talent for covering up, covering over, dismissing, not acknowledging all the crap--thus my current state. So if my friends and therapist DON'T push me, I will go back into the comfort zone.
And I want to. Why not? It's comfortable there! No need for huge feelings; no need to be open and intimate and take all the risks thereof--
what sort of idiot would go thru this incredible pain and say "I know! I'll be open and trusting and intimate--open myself right up to the possibility of pain!"
No, no, Aver's tendency is to be closed off and not let that happen! And it worked so well for 22 years! Why change it?
You musn't let me be so lazy. Take the easy way out.
So many people on these BB have inspired me with their growth, self-knowledge, determination not to make the same mistake twice.
I am afraid I won't live up to that inspiration.
I don't have big plans for the weekend, and it isn't quite freaking me out yet. I do have some modest plans.
LFA--I'll want a full report on your GAL for the weekend!
And let me know how the sitch with the puppies worked out.
(((LFA)))
aver,
Just lurking, following and sending (((hugs)))
You're doing well honey. Look back - it is OK to be proud of what you have achieved so far. I think the fact that you're here saying "I can be lazy" is a good start on not being.
Hang on in there Aver. And if you need it I'll be along with a big stick and a kilted carrot. You ARE an inspiration to many of us.
So tell us what your modest plans are!
Hi all--
I also put out the "don't let me be lazy" to a friend who just yesterday confided that his M is pretty much out the door.
It was sad and sweet--he apologized profusely for not being there for me much this year, but the problem was it was hitting too close to home for him and W.
And then--there I am--handing out DB advice like I know what I'm talking about: Create the Crisis. You don't have to live in Limbo. In-house Separation.
Boy, the things you learn that you wish you didn't have to.
The weekend turned out great. A bike ride came together, followed by dinner and good company; the Memorial Day Parade (biggest one in the state!) was great, and the aforementioned friend took me to the lake to hang out to Create A New Tradition. (as X and I had hosted a big BBQ after parade)
Then I debated awhile and decided it would be good to wake up on this rainy Tuesday, which is the 1st, which is Monthly Bombaversary Day with my Town Meeting Escort friend (need an acronym for him!) so I put that into place.
And now I am at home, ostensible "working" but doing OKAY at being in house on a dreary day, and not fretting or flopping or freaking out. Doing OKAY.
Guys--I have come so far in these 10 months. So far. Would never have believed it possible. Would NOT be possible without all of you. Still not convinced that I'm glad to be saved yet, but I can almost see that happening.
Can I ask for tech help? Gardener--tinyurl my two threads? "how to do a 180 when you've been too independent" "next steps"?
Thought I was more computer savvy than that, but oh well--learning to ask for help!
Now to your thread, lees--
Hi aver...
I still read up on ya.... I just wanted to say. Congrats on reclaiming a weekend...
Take Care.
P.S.
I am doing well. Living life and enjoying the challenges that come up.
Take Care.
.
I am making progress. I am moving along.
BUT--and I said this to my therapist yesterday--the key thing--and my tendency to do--would be to say "well, OK! got thru that! Whatever!" and then NOT DO THE NECESSARY WORK.
Such that I would be back in her office 10 years from now, sobbing out the same story.
I have a talent for covering up, covering over, dismissing, not acknowledging all the crap--thus my current state. So if my friends and therapist DON'T push me, I will go back into the comfort zone.
And I want to. Why not? It's comfortable there! No need for huge feelings; no need to be open and intimate and take all the risks thereof--
Aver,
Me TOO! What a shocker!
I've done all of the above. I understand. And I don't really think for a second you would, after all of this, go back to your old comfort zone, I don't know if it's really possible.
You already are living up to the inspiration - I see it in your posts to me & many others. I think it's healthy to be worried about going back to bad old habits - for me (in other areas) it's the worry that keeps me from doing it!
You're aware, and that in itself is really pretty huge. But I hear what you're saying about doing the work. That is a HUGE piece, and all my favorite inspirations on this board are all about action.
I think you are doing amazingly, and your GAL keeps me inspired. I didn't do that well this weekend BTW
probably a C on the GAL. I know, I know! Spontaneous just doesn't work well for me, I have to make plans. I had only 1 night planned, so I failed to GAL successfully.
You know that old saying: those who fail to make plans plan to fail, or something irritating like that! I'm glad you had a great weekend though, you're inspirational Aver!
I'll check back soon. Thanks for your support, I can't tell you how much it means. ((((hugs))))
Hey LFA-
thanks for checking in and the words of support.
Hopefully you are right--like being an alcoholic--half the battle is knowing you have a problem.
Unfortunately, it is too easy to go back to the same habits. We even see it here--people who successfully DB'd and then...post again in a year or so.
I'm trying to imagine this intimacy thing with another person--I thought I was doing it with X--and if that wasn't intimacy--if he didn't feel connected to me on a "deep, personal level" as he said enroute out the door--then I have quite the journey to make discovering what intimacy is.
Well, I do know, I guess. All my friends got treated to more intimacy from Aver than they ever wanted this past year.
Oh, dear, just started crying as I typed out "one year."
I better go check your thread, LFA, and find out what your "C" level GAL was! And yes, you have to make plans--I don't do well with unstructured time, and as we are twins separated at birth, I imagine you don't, either!
((LFA))
Aver, I'm not that familiar with your sitch but why do you assume you were a failure at intimacy because your spouse gave you a verbal slap in the face on his way out the door? My wife said lots of things about me right down to the way I made love to her, does that make me a lousy lover? NO, it means I had a spouse who looked for everything she possibly could to legitimize why she was ending a 17 year marriage and cheating on me. That doesn't mean we shouldn't look at these criticisms but don't just accept it like gospel, know that it came from someone with an alternative agenda, making himself feel good about what he was doing.
Btw, the one year anniversary does suck, it gets easier though.
aver,
I'm trying to imagine this intimacy thing with another person--I thought I was doing it with X--and if that wasn't intimacy--if he didn't feel connected to me on a "deep, personal level" as he said enroute out the door--then I have quite the journey to make discovering what intimacy is.
Relationship author Terry Real defines intimacy as "choosing to live in truth with another." I liked that the first time I read it, though I first thought, "though that doesn't cover it
all"
The more I thought about it, the more I thought, "Yeah...it does."
Oh, dear, just started crying as I typed out "one year."
(((
)))
Thanks, whatisis.
Yes, a few of the few words I got out of him were:
"aver, we do so many great things together. But on a deep, personal level...." and he just looked sad and tired.
I am trying to balance out the words of a guy in total love/lust/affair land with the truth contained within them.
The words hurt. So I need to look at how much truth there is in those words.
And there is truth there.
Somehow, this woman touched his heart (and other things!) in such a strong way that he could totally upend his world for her. There's gotta be something there.
So I gotta do the work.
sigh.
thanks!
Sure there was something there! The passion of a new romance, the excitement of somebody new. You know all those initial feelings when you meet somebody new who knows how to make you feel special. New romance is always spellbinding, it's like a drug and compared to the mundane everyday R you have with your spouse...you know, all those bills, where will the kids go to summercamp, did you fix the car blah blah blah and then collapsing on the couch at the end of the day. Now, don't get me wrong, it is good to look back and see the part we played in the M falling apart but only at OUR part. Don't downplay the role of the WAS, they decided to land the death blow! Be honest but also kind to yourself when you look back.
((((Aver))))),
Sometime tell me what the title of your thread means! Or maybe I missed it in an earlier post. Anyhoo.
Keep that balance. You are fearless (in that way very different from me!) in looking microscopically back at your R with X.
In some ways that's good, you see how you may want to changes things but in some ways it's bad, b/c I think you take too much of the blame for the R ending.
Remember, no matter what you did/didn't do, said/didnt' say, it CANNOT be all you! Keep the balance.
I don't want to see you continue to beat yourself up. I would be remiss as your twin if I didn't try to make you see a different perspective.
I don't want to see you demonize X, but he's not 100% innocent here. Nobody's perfect! We've all made mistakes. That includes X.
I have to leave for a going away thingy for my boss now, I'll check back soon. ((((Aver)))))
Thanks, guys.
LFA: "so long and thanks for the fish" is from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. Really hysterically funny. I can't remember exactly who/what sitch that sentence comes from, but it sort of summed up how I felt at the time I made the new thread.
Yes, I am totally still beating myself up for the failure of the R. Despite my C, despite you guys, I still see how/what I have lost, what I couldawouldashoulda done differently.
I find myself changing the story (as it I tell it to myself and others) from:
"X dumped me for another woman"
to:
"X made other choices about what would make him happy."
And that really hurts. But I am seeing it is true. X was not happy--for how long? how deeply? we don't know. And then he found someone with whom he felt happier.
Is it real? is it just lust? It's been a year, and they are planning to get married. So I have to assume there is something there.
But it is a real growth/insight to go from "victim" to "just not the right person for X."
It still doesn't give him his half of the blame for the failure, but I do think it is a better way to view the sitch.
Crying a lot today; various social things around him and X that are swirling me around; I cried and "felt" the grief and didn't push it away and didn't die.
I will keep "thinking" "it's not all my fault" and maybe it will eventually turn into believing it and feeling it.
With you all to help, of course!
But honey, he was not the right man for YOU if he wouldn't have gotten the So Long and Thanks For All the Fish reference.
Now pick up your towel and head out into the world for an adventure.
Ellie
Oh, man, you are so right.
And he never got into Monty P. and the Holy Grail, either.
And my Transition Object? the other morning he referenced three artists in about half an hour:
Him: "you look like a Degas painting there in the sunlight."
Me: "I would have thought Hopper" (sitting on edge of bed in sunlight)
Him: "no, Hopper is all this alienated city, and with your hair up like that you reminded me of Degas"
Me: (swoon)
Later: Me: "what's his name, the guy who went to the tropics?"
Him: "Gaugin"
Now both X and I had the same Art History/Theatre History classes and it's like X was never there. Could never have an Art/History/ conversation with him. Frustrating.
Point being: I, too, have had parts of me/mind/heart that X didn't meet. Didn't bother me, had friends for that, don't expect one person to meet all needs. But--potential exists to meet someone with some of the same humor/intellectual/stuff that was missing with X.
So--there's that. For what it's worth.
And yeah, won't be without my towel again. For crying or any other needs that might come up.
And where are my peril-sensitive sunglasses???
KML--
Went back thru a bit of your posts to see the history. A wee bit too much to wade thru, I'm afraid!
I appreciate you popping into my thread and I will go on over to yours.
It is fun (sad, interesting,sad) to see all the other posters posting away to their friends--all this sorrow, all this healing whirling around. Cripes.
Anyhow--on to a lovely sunny day!
I am jealous of your sun - I got drenched on way to and from work today, my little wet legs spinning wildly in an attempt to get out of the rain!
Keep smiling Aver. The world awaits the butterfly that is emerging.
Lol - hope you didn't try to wade through 7 years and 9,000 posts!!!!
My story in a nutshell - H had a brief affair, through DBing we had a great reconciliation, several more good years, but H really hadn't fixed his underlying depression issues. A few concussions later, and with his 50th birthday approaching, the midlife crisis train carried him off. I was devastated for about 2 months, until I realized how nice it was not walking on eggshells around a chronically irritable guy anymore!
Bought a drum set, learned to play drums in a rock band, got a new boyfriend who was even sexier than the ex and who shared my sense of humor (ever seen The Mighty Boosh? You would love it).
Right now, almost done with divorce paperwork. New boyfriend has issues and unfortunately doesn't want to be a long-term thing, but I sure appreciate having had him in my life this past year. Despite being 54, I don't have any worries about finding new beaus - men other than my ex-husband seem to find me sexy and interesting. But I'm gonna take a little breather for myself, and try to choose really carefully next time.
I come back and read from time to time, to see a few old friends and to be reminded of basic principles. This DB journey is truly a path to enlightenment.
Ellie
And my Transition Object? the other morning he referenced three artists in about half an hour:
Aver,
It's great to read this post. Beautiful, really. Does transition object have any brothers living in the midwest??
Here's a bit of info that further confirm our twin-ness - My major in college was: Wait for it, ART HISTORY!
We could chat for hours about Degas, Gaugin, Hopper, Picasso. Name the artist & I could discuss for hours! I'm an art history geek.
Anyhoo, I'm glad you are seeing someone who appreciates your interests & sense of humor.
Your are so smart to understand 1 person cannot meet all your needs, I wonder if I am guilty of that w H. He was a sports buff, I was/am a sports illerate. I grew to love baseball, can (kind of) understand basketball, learned to golf - all when I was w H. But he didn't really share in my love for the arts. Except early on, we'd go to the museum or a play.
Not that 2 people should be doing everything together, all the time. I get that. But for me it turned into, doing nothing together, ever. Well, enough about me!
You are definitely more self aware. I think what you're saying now is better than he dumped me. But I think rather than say X found someone he was happier with, why not say he made other choices in his life? B/c that's what he did.
And he may be happy BUT, Aver, quickly reviewing DB 101: if we are responsible for our own happiness, how can you be totally responsible for his happiness?
Even if you knew (& you couldn't) he was unhappy, & you did all these changes to please him & make him happier...would YOU still be happy? Would he? Maybe. Maybe not!
Am I making any sense here? I hope you understand what I'm saying. I think you are on the right track. I hope my ramblings don't cause more confusion! Just keep remembering to balance it. I get the guilt/regret too. It hurts. But it's not ALL on you. ((((Aver)))) You are doing great.
Oh, of course you are an Art History major, LFA! Did I ever tell you that I got to see Matisse's The Red Room in person? swoon!
It was really huge to feel that I COULDN'T say:
"X dumped me."
It hurts and sucks but is more truthful to say and know:
"X made other choices." Choices about what made him happy? or his own self-knowledge, awareness, of what he was missing in our R?
I know intellectually that I am not responsible for his-or anyone else's happiness--but--oh here I go, I can't let go of it:
What he wanted: commitment (marriage) and more sex: I wanted, too.
But the communication (lack of) and patterns were so set--I didn't see that, didn't really "feel" that, just kept bouncing along thinking that maybe someday I will/can say something...and then it was too late.
So the changes I wouldacouldashoulda made--would have made me happier, too. At least, that's how it looks from this particular perspective.
Intimacy 101: I texted Transition Object (OK, let's just call him K) a...ahem...little thank you for a particularly..ummm...fun evening (and morning!
).
Why text? 'cause it seemed sexy, modern, teasy, AND--I could say what I wanted to say without saying it.
Anyone see a pattern here?
So, after waiting all day hoping for an equally teasy little text back, K calls in the evening, and truly starts out with: Why do you text instead of calling?
Ummm, errr,, gahhh...cause I would have had to SAY what I was feeling? NO WAY! Let's remember, Aver has trouble with this INTIMACY and honest feeling/expression thing!
Now, let's also know that K is a chunk older (how much older? I don't really know! But if texting it brand new to me, it is completely not in his social expectations--tho he does pretty good at it!)
Point being--here is someone flat out saying: why don't you say what you are feeling to me?
and I completely choke on the possibility that I could do such a thing.
If this isn't something to bring to the IC, what is??
How am I going to grow and get past this? Part of it is just being shy; part is thinking texting is sexy/cool; part is--the whole reason X is marrying someone else.
Do people REALLY go around saying what they are feeling? What am I, an alien?
Well, guess my IC will be putting her kids through college with me!
Wish me luck this afternoon--for some reason I am going to have lunch with my ex-inlaws (well, it will be some closure).
But this weekend is off to NH to spend time with a good girlfriend, so that will be a good change (and I hardly have to plan at all--I just have to get there)
All advice and 2x4's welcome!
aver,
Good for you and Mr. K. Listen to him. He sounds centered.
My Art History Nirvana was going up to Boston in '07 or '08 for an Edward Hopper exhibit.
Now I can die happy having seen THE original "Early Sunday Morning"!
I turned a corner, went into a different room - and there - displayed in the perfect place in the perfect manner - it was.
I lost my breath. And approached it as I would - oh, I don't know - the Ark of The Covenant or The Declaration Of Independence, or something sacred.
I was dumbfounded. And filled with joy and awe.
Yeah, that's how I was with Red Room.
Hopper in person would be fabulous, too.
Thanks for this, kml.
54, drum set, rock band, new guys. Good for you! Perhaps there is hope for me yet.
I guess the path to enlightenment isn't supposed to be easy, right? couldn't I have been given another path--like, say, a near death experience?
Doing OK--lots of grief coming up as I work thru the summer: this time last year X was....this time last summer we talked about...this time last summer X was concurrently sleeping with OW and me...
I never did like summer, anyhow! Bring on the fall, winter, and more healing time.
What to bring to my C this afternoon? how do I work on this intimacy thing? what do I want/need in my new life?
No 2x4s but STBXW and I had/have major communication issues, we can talk about the non-chalant all day but can't talk about the elephant in the room if it was related to us- I used to be able to just fine but never her and over time I learned her ways too.
Anyway, so I think it's much easier to text/email because we don't get the response/reaction right away. We're satisfied seeing only the words and not the emotions or the body language behind them. We get to take our time to craft our wording and the suspense of someone reading it and then responding it. However, all this is learned behavior (because it's convenient) that can be unlearned. We're becoming less social...as a society. With the Wiis, Nintendos, ipods etc the younger generation is losing the basic interaction skills...I see this in myself. I have the hardest time even coming up with cohesive, phrases and words when I'm trying to write something important.
I force myself to get out of my comfort zone to socialize and talk to people and sometimes I do well but sometimes there's that eery silence where everyone's quiet and we just look around and say 'yep', 'yeaap'.
OK I digress, so practice aver...practice makes perfect (and I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding applicants for the intimacy part
)
aver,
... what do I want/need in my new life?
The One Million Dollar question.
I've found it takes much pondering - and writing - to pare things down and net things out to just that: What. Do. I. Want.
Not accustomed to even
thinking that way.
Do people REALLY go around saying what they are feeling? What am I, an alien?
Maybe people do, but I don't! Don't be so hard on yourself Aver! You're actually in a R right now. Light years ahead of me in that dept! If I have to count how long it's been since I was with a man...
Let's not go there.
The fact that you have been able to establish a R w this man, as you continue to work through your pain, is to me something to admire. Or be jealous of. What I want to tell you is, I think you're doing great!
How can you suddenly start pouring your heart out to someone so soon after having your it torn apart? You are not as bad off as you seem to think, dear twin.
Certainly not by my standards anyway. It will take time.
How was dinner w the X-in-laws? Hopefully you can maybe salvage your R with them. Anyway hope it went well.
I tried to post using my BB, havent' been too successful - typed up a long reply the other night to you, hit the wrong button and goodbye. It was lost. So stealing time at work - just wanted to say hi, check in & see how you are.
Hoping you had a great weekend. ((((Aver))))) Hugs and wishes for a great week!
Thanks, as always, LFA, for the boost.
I continually count my blessings. As hard and awful as this year has been, I have been very lucky in friends, family, financials.
Am I in an R with K? guess so. At least a physical one! I DO need to open and talk with him--he may be getting in deeper than either of us ever thought of.
I don't want to screw it up--a good friend, mess it up with sex and rebound and the rest of it.
Went on a rock-climbing date. OK time--but what is this chemistry stuff? how many times do you go out before you say--there's just nothing there? I guess you know when you know.
This week the thought that kept occurring to me: at the core, I am a person who was left. I am a person who could be tossed aside. I am a person whom my life-partner could leave within 3 months.
I tried to do "the work" on that. I'm sure that my core essence is NOT the above. But as Gardener says: it's the million dollar question: who.am. I. What do I want?
Lunch with X in laws OK. We avoided the elephant in the room. What is there to say? Your son ditched me for a younger, apparently independently wealthy woman, who makes out with other people's husbands in front of her lover and his partner??
I know I am very lucky in all that I have. I just have grief to continue working through.
Right? right. Work thru it.
LFA--now to your posts. The dogs, the move, final settlement of the D?
Hey Aver.
Just checking in with a grin, a hug and a slap on the back for your progress.
This week the thought that kept occurring to me: at the core, I am a person who was left. I am a person who could be tossed aside. I am a person whom my life-partner could leave within 3 months.
I tried to do "the work" on that. I'm sure that my core essence is NOT the above. But as Gardener says: it's the million dollar question: who.am. I. What do I want?
Aver, I was really glad to see the second paragraph after reading the first. Yes, your core essence is NOT based on the whims or behavior of another person. Good, I'm glad you know that. But I understand, I just posted that I still have my "good & bad" days. Like Sunday, I was just down. Down on myself. I felt rotten. Then a day later, I felt normal again.
I think it's not an overstatement to say this is going to take years to get through. In my case I'm already into year 2!
Not surprising when we remember that we spent years, decades in your case, with one person, who is no longer in our lives. But even so, that person, or rather his choices, don't define us!
Even though sometimes we may feel that they do. I think it's part of the grief, or just the general crappiness of how all this feels sometimes.
Continue working through it. Right. Right!
Kudos on handling lunch with the X inlaws. That's a tough one. But I'm guessing you handled it w your characteristic with and grace.
It's nice that they wanted to see you but right, makes for awkward conversation!
Well you said you overbooked your weekend on my thread so I look fwd to reading your updates soon. I hope it was a good one! Wishing you a great week. ((((hugs)))))
Hi Aver!
Just stopping in to say Happy 4th! Have a good holiday & thanks for checking in. Thinking of you & happy you are keeping super busy. Good luck with the opera production!
Talk to you soon! ((((Aver)))))
Hi all, and an ironic twist for twin LFA--
So LFA avoided vacation time to avoid dealing with the empty time/space/anxiety.
I went back to work today (took most of June off, worked a lot from home). Was in the theatre where I mostly work in the summer. My dear theatre, I love every inch of it.
And I couldn't stop crying. (well, I could, it just came in waves) Here, in the attic, this time last year, I was thinking that X and I would go do such and such. Here, in the shop, I was blithely ignoring how late I was working, and X was f**ng OW. This time last year I was down in the costume shop, called X to say hello, and meanwhile he was...etc., etc.
For the first time I wanted to flee work. Home felt safer. I knew that getting through this summer would be hard. 3 weeks approaching Bomb-A-versary. Hopefully soon it will be busy with everyone wanting scenery and props and all sorts of stuff. Right now it's too quiet.
It's so sad to have the space I love be haunted. Well, it should pass. I worked in this theatre in the fall and spring, and I wasn't bothered. Well, of course I was numb for most of the year.
Maybe after this summer, and another year, the theatre will go back to being my old friend.
This weekend with Dad was good, but exhausting. We painted the bathroom (3 days of prep!) The sad thought that kept coming was that Dad was here doing this...because I had been left. X and I were going to re-do the bathroom and kitchen. Etc., etc.
Heard from XMIL (we are keeping in contact, what should I call her?) that OW, pardon me, fiance, isn't working because she has some $ from her job and "divorce that just got finalized." Interesting, no? On the rebound, snags a guy who was fully committed to his R; re-engaged in a year.
I guess that's their problem, though, right?
OK--wish me a better day at work tomorrow. Maybe a smudge ceremony in the theatre as well as my house is in order.
Onward and upward.
A, holidays are really hard. And this was a holiday weekend. I had a hard, hard time this time of year back about 7 years ago, almost a nervous breakdown. Are you ok? Stay strong, a treat is in order. Wonder
Thanks, Wonder.
The holiday was fine--it was the work that was a problem!
Add in the heat, a few minor health things, and I also find I am coming out of my numb state straight into cranky. Great. Nice.
I'm gonna read more on Serenity's thread. She's had it wicked hard, and look how well she is doing.
I don't want to be cranky. I do have to go through this next stage of mourning.
It might be real mourning now, slow, conscious, and painful. Cause I have been running or numb this whole time. Felt an awful lot of pain, of course, but everything pitched to a very high level or pushed under til I could deal with it "later."
Guess it's later!
Darn.
I'm still struggling with all kinds of memories tied to places and times. I'd love to just pick up and start over in another city, but I can't with two daughters.
I have a CD they love to listen to with Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" with the line "these are the days I'll remember most."
In the future, when you've come through this you'll be proud of yourself.
Hi Aver,
Went back and caught up on your sitch and it's somewhat similar to mine. We were married 20 years and my "independence" and "confidence" were what XH said attracted him to me in the first place. Then, as life went on and he started traveling more and I built more of a separate life, it's what destroyed us (according to him).
Bullhocky I say! XH used that as an excuse for having an affair and making so many stupid choices in the past year that I've lost count.
Let your emotions hit and feel them. Each time you do the pain will be a little less. It takes time, lots of time. In some ways you and I are lucky in that we don't have children and we don't have to see XH to have that constant reminder of 'what if.' I truly believe it speeds things up. Do you have a support group? I took a "rebuilding" class for 10 weeks and have the most amazing friends who know what all this feels like; it helps, truly it's the one thing I am so glad I did. If you can't find a class, read the book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fischer. It will help tremendously. Also, what about joining some meetup.com groups? Maybe you aren't quite ready, but when you are...they're out there to find some new social interests.
NO to dating right now is where I am and I'm certain you are as well. Take this time for you; you deserve it.
Hang in there!
For the first time I wanted to flee work. Home felt safer. I knew that getting through this summer would be hard. 3 weeks approaching Bomb-A-versary. Hopefully soon it will be busy with everyone wanting scenery and props and all sorts of stuff. Right now it's too quiet.
It's so sad to have the space I love be haunted. Well, it should pass. I worked in this theatre in the fall and spring, and I wasn't bothered. Well, of course I was numb for most of the year.
Maybe after this summer, and another year, the theatre will go back to being my old friend.
((((Aver))))
I know, I know. I really feel for you. I so know how that feels. I do believe that after you spend more time there (a week, maybe several) those feelings will lesssen< And yes, smudge the space. Even if it's symbolic, it's a cleansing. My heart goes out to you, dear twin.
I will check back soon. Keep getting through each day and soon you'll reclaim your favorite space. It's just an old friend you haven't seen in a while. Sending you lots of hugs ((())))
Catching up, guys. Sort of veering between total slack and hyperactivity--which means I'm not really completing anything.
Each day goes on, different sorrows, different things that are becoming--almost--dare I say it--fun again.
But I am NEVER getting the mail again!
You all know the terrible nights when I opened the mailbox to find letters from the bank addressed to OW. And then, one night when I was feeling particularly peaceful, reading the local paper to find an article about X extolling his virtues and the loss to the town his leaving would be. And then a few follow-up letters in the paper.
So, to this day, I approach the mailbox with trepidation. Today I did what I usually do: "it's OK, Aver, OW isn't going to get any mail here, no more articles in the paper.."
Tax bill addressed to both of us. OK, I can call City Hall and get that fixed. Flyer addressed to both of us. OK, I can get off the mailing list. Read the paper--no mention of X, of course not!
Then...as I flip over the last section--I found a letter from X.
Obviously a personal letter. Pretty thick, actually.
I assume it is his "closure" letter.
When he told me he was getting married, he also offered to "meet and talk, he was ready to" and had been "trying to get together with me for months" (when, exactly?)
I felt at the time, and still do:: I am past asking for closure. In August, I was willing to hear every dreadful thing I had ever done. I have flayed myself for months with my failings as a partner. I have said way more awful things about myself than X could possibly say. (I hope!)
And now--it's too late, buddy. I DON'T want to hear your complaints about our R, as realistic and justified as they may be. It's not that I am coming from a holy place of peace and reconciliation--it's definitely: "Oh, a conversation would make YOU feel better? Forget it!!"
Maybe I'll really have moved on when I feel like: you want to talk? OK, whatever! Say whatever you need to, ho, hum...
Not there yet.
So the question: when to read it. What friends can I torture with more weeping?
Or, v.2: send it back with a note saying: I don't feel it is appropriate for a married man to be sending private correspondence to another woman.
I kind of like that one.
Off to a date!
I'll let you know how it goes!
And what I do with the da** letter!
Ugh!!
Aver,
Burn it.
Forget it.
imo.
Hey Gardener-
good to hear from you.
The letter: processing.
For all I know, it's instructions about the sewer system he wanted me to know.
But probably not.
I know I can't mind read, so all that follows is time spent on supposition, but..
I assume it is X making expiation: "here is why I did what I did" "here is what I was missing in our R" "here is how I realized how unhappy I was" "I needed to make this change when I realized how different life could be" and probably an "I'm sorry" in there.
Now, as you all know, as soon as X told me he was leaving, I saw, with horrible clarity, all my faults in the R. (I know, I know, it isn't all my fault, but I was the Attachment Avoident, thanks, therapy! in the R, and I kept him at arm's length for 22 years)
I was willing, at the time, to HEAR all my faults, to hear his pain, to apologize, to even wish him well and get the love and R he needed. I have spent this past year flagellating myself for my faults. And, finally, trying to DO something about them in therapy.
I feel like, now, to hear all the things he wanted to say, that he couldn't say, would really be more like punishment. I WANTED the punishment at the time. I felt I deserved it.
But now...maybe I feel like "enough already. I have whipped myself enough. I don't need to hear it from you, too."
Maybe that's more AVOIDING feelings, and intimacy.
Maybe it's more running away from deep conversations
Maybe it's unresolved bitterness and anger: you want forgiveness!? NO WAY! I ain't gonna give you any satisfaction of closure!
I kind of like the idea of sending it back with the note:
I don't feel it is appropriate for a married man to send private correspondence to another woman.
Or, putting it in another envelope, addressing it to OW, and letting her open it and read it!
Or, this morning I saw the jewelry box that he had made me (oh, you know, a month before OW) where I had stuffed it into a drawer. I thought, I could put the letter in there. I'll forget about it, and 50 years from now, I'll find it and read it.
But then I think...what if...what if it were a letter full of remorse, apologies, asking for a second chance...broken the engagement, wants to try...
I know it isn't. And I don't think I want to reconcile, even if such a thing were remotely possible in this universe.
But with my sense of drama, I spin stories of star-crossed lovers, the letter never delivered, the message delayed a moment too late...and the happiness that could have been.
So--there's some morning drama for you all!
Thanks for letting me post all this..
Hey Golfgirl--
Thanks for checking in on my posts. Yes, our sitchs sound familiar.
I couldn't find any RL support groups in my area, and it wasn't for lack of trying. So most of my friends who "get it" are here. But my RL friends have been great.
I am dating, more or less. Trying to get out there and see what life is like. It's scary out there! is what it is.
Hmmm, good question though...why am I dating? hmmm...validation? here I am, can anyone find me attractive? does anyone possibly find me interesting?
Anything wrong with going out, having fun, learning to make conversation and flirt again? Careful not to take advantage ( I feel bad for guys feeling like "if it is a date, I have to pay for it!" cause that will add up quick!) Careful to be honest: not ready for a deep R yet!
Gotta expand my social circle, gotta practice these skills...plus it is an excuse to buy cute shoes (that's for you, PH!)
Is dating OK even if you aren't ready for an R?
I'll check in on you, GG!
Anything wrong with going out, having fun, learning to make conversation and flirt again? Careful not to take advantage ( I feel bad for guys feeling like "if it is a date, I have to pay for it!" cause that will add up quick!)
That is sweet, Avermont, but just remember that if we offer and they say no, that is their choice! And you can ask them out and pay for it, right?
Careful to be honest: not ready for a deep R yet.
sounds good....
Is dating OK even if you aren't ready for an R?
Well I am thinking YES but what if you really like someone and wasn't expecting it? Like "accidentally" fall for him? This is always a risk!
I think if you keep your head straight it can be fun, ego boost, and just over all practice, right?
Or, putting it in another envelope, addressing it to OW, and letting her open it and read it!
That's my vote!
Aver, If I were you I'd put it away somewhere, and one day when you're ready, if you are still interested, you can read it.
I just think you have done so much work to be over him, why rip the wound open again. If you are totally obsessing, why don't you ask your C, and maybe read it with her?
Don't you think even it it did beg you to give him another chance, would you rush right back? Don't you think you'd proceed cautiously, knowing what you do about him now.
I've been harping on how hard you've been on youself for months, so I think you should pitch/hide the letter.
But the choice is yours. Whatever you decide, you are going to be just fine! Great in fact! ! I know it, you know it, your RL friends know it. You are strong, no matter what garbage he may throw your way.
((((Aver)))))
Hey Avermont,
I am finally back and checking in on you. How was the date? I'm SO glad someone on here is talking about life after divorce...because there IS one!
Read the book, "Getting Naked Again." It's got some great tips and information for those of us thinking/trying to get back out there.
I've only been divorced 3 months and I did date someone for about a month and it was hard. I have no kids, my own house, financial security, and the freedom to do what I want when I want. So, where will I find someone with the same? Right now I'm trying to figure out what I'll compromise on in a relationship. My life is crazy-busy with adventures and I am having fun with my friends. Would I like to find someone to date? I can't honestly say "yes" to that right now because I know I need to become the emotional "match" for him and I'm just not there. My heart is still bruised (no longer broken) and I just need more time. I have to become the person I would want to date in order to attract the kind of man into my life I want. I don't want any "projects" and I don't want any "2-legged strays" so somehow I have to figure out how to find the healthy guys that I know are out there. I joined some meetup.com groups and perhaps they will appear there??
As far as dating without wanting a relationship, that's a tough one. My thinking is that you date with the hopes of moving toward a relationship, but I don't know??? I'm new at this stuff, too.
Hey, aver,
I have some catching up to do. For some reason, you've dropped off my Watched Users and Watched Posters lists. That's been happening a lot lately.
S'up wit dat, mods?
I'll catch up soon.
Peace,
GG1,
Hey Avermont, Read the book, "Getting Naked Again." It's got some great tips and information for those of us thinking/trying to get back out there.
Thanks. Another one I'll have to put (at the top) of my ever-growing reading list!
I've only been divorced 3 months and I did date someone for about a month and it was hard. I have no kids, my own house, financial security, and the freedom to do what I want when I want. So, where will I find someone with the same? Right now I'm trying to figure out what I'll compromise on in a relationship. My life is crazy-busy with adventures and I am having fun with my friends. Would I like to find someone to date? I can't honestly say "yes" to that right now because I know I need to become the emotional "match" for him and I'm just not there. My heart is still bruised (no longer broken) and I just need more time. I have to become the person I would want to date in order to attract the kind of man into my life I want. I don't want any "projects" and I don't want any "2-legged strays" so somehow I have to figure out how to find the healthy guys that I know are out there. I joined some meetup.com groups and perhaps they will appear there??
Frankly, change the three months to five months (and, more frankly, take out the "financial security" part) and I'm at the same place - and feel the exact same way.
My heart is still bruised (no longer broken)
Very well put. That's it, exactly!
Not easy, by any means, is it?
Peace,
Yo all-
So, another lesson in remembering that we can't mind read.
OF COURSE X's letter was just business! Not quite instructions on the sewer system, but...I figured with the business size envelope and what looked like print out (not handwritten) it probably wasn't going to be an outpouring of grief and remorse and what not.
Anyhow, I took LFA's advice and brought it to my counselor. All it was, was a check made out to both of us from the bank, for $18.12, some overpayment as
we closed out the loans.
I had gotten the same thing back in May, for $69.00. I decided it wasn't worth $34.40 to sign it; send it to him; he signs it;deposits it; sends me my half. The check is still sitting on my desk.
But I guess X is better about being upright and forthright with $, so he signed the check that the bank sent to him, and sent it to me. I deposited it, and sent a check for $9.06 to him. No note.
He included a note that said.."blah blah bank, etc. (almost signed, scratched out) "hope your having a good summer" X.
Oh, I'm having a GREAT summer, dear! Thanks for asking! so sweet of you to care!
Now should I send on the check for $69?? if I do it now, he will see that I was holding out $35.00 that is legally his....
At any rate, I am going to buy myself $9.00 worth of VS undies! (and yes, you can get at least one lacy something for that!)
More later--doing OK--big transition time--coming up on the One Year Mark.
aver.So much for my advice on the letter:
Hi Aver,
Really? VS unmentionables for $9? Good to know.
For the $69 check, you could do the same "businesslike" thing to him. Ask your L to send it to him with a note, if you like, saying it had been misplaced & now would he please endorse & remit half payable to you? Or you could do it yourself I guess.
He doesn't need to know you didn't send it sooner b/c it caused more grief for you than it was worth!
BTW, why don't you buy $35 worth of pretty VS undies while you're at it??
Thinking of you... I'll be checking in as you near your 1 yr. mark. Sending hugs ((((Aver)))))
Happy Bombaversary to me...happy bombaversary to me...
Everyone join in! You all know how it goes!
Well, I did it guys. With your help, and my RL friends, I'm here. I got through it.
The days leading up to Aug.1st were hard. More than the date, though, was the unspooling of current and past events.
Because my work has a regular rhythm, it plays out the same...like Groundhog's Day.
This night, the night of the Spanish play last year, X had OW over to the house, to show her what his life was like.
Today, the day after the Spanish play, X and I went for a bike ride. The day unfurled just like always. Until he looked at me and said " we have to talk"
The day after...etc.
Today, Monday, going to work triggered all the feelings of last year. This day, last year, I staggered into work. Acted as if (AFAIK!) everything was normal. Carried on, while inside I was dying.
Etc. Re-living the moment, like being a time traveler who knows the meteor is going to hit the Earth, but is powerless to stop it.
But now it is the 2nd. Moved past the calendar anniversary of August 1st, and the event anniversary of shows/work.
Stacked 3 1/2 cords of firewood this weekend. Let me tell you, there's a lot of therapy to be had in stacking firewood! Maybe I should hire myself out. I'd get a great workout, earn some $, and solve the world's problems. Or at least mine.
Sooo...the thoughts and tears and feelings are there. But I survive them. I gently shoosh away the thoughts. I acknowledge the tears and feelings.
There's more tears to come, I know.
And more joy. So everyone says. And they were right about me surviving, so maybe they are right about that.
With deep gratitude--
AllisonVermont
Aver my friend....
You have more than survived! You have walked through this and found an inner strength you didn't know you had. And you are moving forward with that strength.
Those bombaversaries are killers. As much as we try to tell ourselves they don't matter and it is a new year etc., there is something about the trauma that just takes us back. I am glad you acknowledged it and let yourself feel and deal with the memories. That is one more step in the healing.
I do believe there is joy to come, for all of us. It is a matter of time.
((((Aver))))
RHW I am right there with your sentiments. Been lurking in this thread and feel the same way. Divorce really does make you a better person and makes you stronger.
My own bombaversary is coming up in Oct so I have a bit to go.
But I can plainly see my personal growth and improvements and my strenth even if my XW never will. It is her loss and she is a fool. But I will not be a fool for her any longer.
I now know what it feels like to truly be loved and respected by a woman. This is something I never really got from my XW. At least not for years. I forgot what that really felt like.
((Aver)).
Aver, How about you deep fry that fish for us and we will all come over and Ill bring some beer.
aver,
Last year, bombaversary was bombaversary!!!
While still almost three months away, this year it will be "bombiversary/shombiversary...Yeah, so?"
Because of time and because of all you guys.
Peace,
(((((Aver))))
Yes you have much more than survived! You are strong, smart and an inspiration!
It's true the bombaversaries are killers. I know how it feels to relive that awful day, and isn't it a relief to have it over?
Thinking of you, even though I've been sort of MIA. Sending you hugs and lots of positive energy. With many thanks for of your support on this rocky road. (((( ))))
Hi all-
I've been thinking of all of you, though I haven't had time to post.
Gardener, I am waay looking forward to next year..August 1st? what? hmm? oh, yeah, whatever!
The subconscious mind has fought up from the depths, and is producing lovely little X and OW dreams. This morning was a long involved one, wherein we were both sort of living in the house, and things were just going so smoothly and as if nothing had changed. I finally said something about it, and X started talking about all the reasons he couldn't trust OW, and wanted to get back with me. I was trying not to cry, and thinking..remember DB!!! don't give in too easily! Make him work for it! Funny, in all he was saying, he didn't say: ILY, just that OW wasn't working out for him. But I didn't notice that in my dream.
I woke up (next to my Transition Object!
) and fled to the bathroom for a drink of water and splash of water on my face.
I guess my mind just has to do this.
The tears come and go, but each day is a little better.
In fact, I am off on a bike riding date!
Hint: if you tell a date your full name and tell her to google you (I thought, great! I can find out if he is an ax-murderer!), and you have a great family website up--TAKE OFF THE LINK ABOUT YOUR GASTRIC REFLUX DISEASE HISTORY!!
Talk about TMI!! I almost canceled the date then and there.
But--nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And at least I know he isn't an ax-murderer!
When I get back, I am going to check up on LFA! I want to know what's going on, girl!
Thanks for all the posts, guys. It really helps.
Hi Aver! You always have the most interesting things to post about!! Why would anyone post about their gastric issues?? Wow.
Yeah, the dreams are weird. I guess it's our brains processing the trauma, the shock & all that stuff. I had one a few weeks ago, that seemed like H & I were in the same house, but yet he was open about OW. I remember feeling very pissed. But why was I there?? I can't even remember the details of it now.
For me, I was thinking (after I woke up) that H was in my dream b/c I haven't seen or spoken him since Nov., & I think our last emails were in May or June. Sometimes I dream about people in my life who died, like my parents. It seemed like one of those dreams. The brain works in mysterious ways.
Hope the date went well, and TMI wasn't revealed in conversation! You sound good Aver! Keeping me inspired.
Thinking of you, sending hugs (((( ))))).
Oh, just posting about the roller coaster--every time you think you are off it--
In office the other day. Sorting out last year's files. And got to the spring show. And lost it. The whole thing--while I was taking notes on some stupid piece of scenery, X was doing...I was probably bit##ing about this dumb thing one night...and all he could think about was getting to visit her...etc.
Nothing like a good cry on your office floor, right?
So, get home. Go to check the mail with my usual trepidation. I have decided to treat EVERY trip to the mailbox as a possible bad thing--been burned too many times!
Sure enough, there is the official copy of the Quitclaim Deed. Not that I hadn't seen it before. Not that I hadn't signed it my very self.
But there it is. For my files, I guess. All that he was willing to give up, give away, for her. She must be pretty special, is all I can say.
So, more tears.
And the dreams keep coming, but I guess they have to, right?
Oh, and one more paranoia--the local paper (you know, the one that lauded X for all his work on the planning commission) had a note that the "Governor will award the Citizen of the Year to a very special citizen at Saturday's town celebration"...so I thought, of course it will be X! Why not? Seems like everyone thinks he is the cat's pajamas! Well, it can't REALLY go to him, as he is no longer a resident of this town, but I'm prepared for anything!
Just posting and journaling--I'll go check on other's threads, now!
hugs from me too (((Aver)))
Hi Aver! Just checking in on you, hope all is going well.
I know the trepidation about the mail, I still get it when I see an envelope from my L. Then I remember, it's my monthly bill. Unless it's thick, then I start to get unnerved.
Same thing with email from L, and H. Although those are extremely rare. The past 2 weeks I've been following up dutifully w my L, b/c we've sent our reply to the last "nastygram" from H's L.
I've agreed to his wanting to pay only $500 more than $1500 on the cr. card debt. Tired of this.
And, he gets to pay me less than stated before of his 401K to equalize it -- so much time has passed that I have more $ in my 401K now!! But for the past 2 weeks, I follow up w L. And she hasn't heard anything.
This paying 1/2 the mortgage & also (low) rent to my brother is getting expensive!
Sorry to post my personal update on your thread. I really want to hear how you're doing. I am fine. Waiting for the other she to drop.
Sending you (((hugs)))), and lots of good thoughts. Have a great weekend. (((()))))
Hey LFA--
No worries updating yourself on my thread. I have been thinking and thinking about you, and everyone else, these past few weeks, just no time to post.
All is reasonably well. Still shock waves, still tears, etc.
Just now saying to myself:
can I say: gee, Aver, you have had a f**k of a year. You basically weren't sober or very sane for a year. So, if now, you are finding yourself having strange emotional reactions to things; or re-settling your body (I pretty much forced myself to eat for a year--now I'm hungry all the time!), even missing the constant anxiety a bit--because that gave me huge energy to leap out of bed every day--now I have to drag myself out of bed; rebuild relationships that were strained, or more intimate than usual...if all these things are true, then it is OKAY for you to take time, have COMPASSION for yourself (as my therapist says)and re-make your life.
Really, it is like being a different person. Coming out of the coma and trying to pick up where you left off.
So--that's where I am at. Trying to work on Mindfulness; Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy stuff; shake off the fog of the past year; wake up to my new self.
Yikes.
LFA--keep those updates coming. I hope your whole D will be DONE SOOONNN!! Then maybe you have time to come be in the alt with your new computer, and we can catch up on our newly-developing lives.
Hugs to all--
Wow.
Aver,
...it is OKAY for you to take time, have COMPASSION for yourself (as my therapist says)and re-make your life.
Really, it is like being a different person. Coming out of the coma and trying to pick up where you left off.
So--that's where I am at. Trying to work on Mindfulness; Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy stuff; shake off the fog of the past year; wake up to my new self.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
And "reasonably well," ain't bad sometimes.
Late response, aver, but I've been off the boards a couple of weeks myself.
Peace,
Dear all-
I have been wanting and wanting to post, but just no time.
Which in itself is telling--last year this time, I did little BUT post and read and weep, etc.
So I must be spending my time on other things: work; community theatre (Wind in The Willows! Opened Thursday! Adorable!)
I wanted to post that I found out that
a) the Happy Couple eloped to Montreal for their Wedding.
I knew X would choose October for their wedding, as that was our anniversary month.
b) the Happy Couple is Expecting a Little Bundle of Joy.
Now, that knocked me back quite a few steps! Had to get the doc to prescribe some anti-a, which I haven't needed in a while.
I did say, back when this whole thing went down, that I would "laugh my a$$ off" when She "caught" pregnant. I knew that X's and mine, and our friends, chosen childlessness is the minority opinion--most people want children.
So I thought that X would have to deal with Her wanting kids sooner or later.
I never imagined Sooner!
X is the sort of guy who would not start a project unless he knew EXACTLY how each step would work out. He wouldn't start replacing the cornice molding on the peak of the house cause he couldn't figure out how we would reach the highest peak for the last nail.
And, so, to start a family BEFORE their house was even closed on? (Baby due March, so Happy Event in July; moved into their house in August)
I'm dying to know if this was a "Surpriiisee!!" on Her part, or a "I love you so much, I want you to have my children".
My friends and therapist tell me to let that go. It's not my business, it's not my problem.
I'm trying.
Mostly torturing myself with X LOVES her SO much he either is willing to have a baby to make her happy, or way too weird--suddenly WANTS children.
The very first question I asked him, after he said "I'm leaving you" was "do you want children?"
I guess I was floundering for a reason deep enough for him to do such a thing.
He said "no." But of course, at that time, they had only been together 3 months, so he didn't know yet, perhaps, that she felt her clock ticking.
AAHHH!! you see how much space in my head this is taking up? I'm at work, way behind, and this is what I am worrying about.
The good thing about this is that it does more and more to pull him out of our circle of friends.
The bad thing--I guess what hit me on the deepest, unconscious level--is there is no going back.
I didn't think I was thinking or hoping that in any way. But I guess the LBS always has the fantasy of: He'll be sorry! He'll ask my forgiveness one day!
And so this is the final final nail in the coffin. Even if he crawled back, and I were interested (not gonna happen, I know I know) there is no way it could work because he would always be tied to her through the kid.
So I guess my heart/mind/stomach/soul just felt that final click, and the sorrow and grief came back to the top.
I know many of you here have dealt with this. I appreciate any words of support.
Rocked--I want you to know I have been reading along but just unable to get to post. I will be able to catch up now that the show has opened.
LFA--Still thinking about you! I want to know if your darn D is finally final!
I hope all is well with all of you here--
I'm sorry that you're feeling what you are...I know it's painful. It's hard to find words to comfort someone when they're experiencing this kind of pain. I can offer this...it's been offered to me...
"Retain absolute faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, AND confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be." - The Stockdale Principle
You have to be realistic about your current situation and yet, stay optimistic about the future. Stockdale says he never lost faith in the end of the story…he never doubted not only that he would get out (he was a prisoner of war), but also that he would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of his life.
I feel for ya'. Many of us here have felt the pain that you feel. It hurts like a b!tch. There's nothing to do, except take the pain...and keep going.
Oh Aver! (((((Hugs))))))
I too have been wanting & wanting to post, but no time! We remain twins! Part of it being busy, and part of it just processing, maybe taking baby steps away from the board. But I always intend to come back! I feel like I owe so many on here for their support, plus, I still need you, & everyone!
Aver, I can't improve on what Antlers posted. He is right, and as painful as this must be you know you are stronger than this situation. You deserve so much better than it. You know this, the fact is you don't know what is going w X & OW. (yes I'll still call her that!) You don't know, maybe he's happy, maybe he's not. Not your problem! You have every right to grieve, again. And I am so sorry you have to go through more pain. I believe if you decided that you did want kids (not that you do/will), you can still make that choice for yourself.
I can tell you are so much further along, even w this latest development, by your upbeat opening. You are doing stuff you love. I wish for you that you could not know/hear/think about your X for a long time. Say 6-12 months. Easier said than done, possibly. For me, since that was H's choice that we stop speaking/communicating (I have not seen or spoken to him in person since Nov. 09! Almost 1 year!) He is pretty much a stranger. It's easier & it's harder. It sure makes things final though.
No going back, for me either. Let's go forward. It's better for us there. Take comfort in your frineds & lean on your C, and do those things that help you. You have to grieve, but at some point, try thought stopping or those exercises to force your mind to think of other things. I think RW had some good posts on those techniques a while back. You are going to come out of this final stage of pain, you will & you will heal
I am with you, and I know other friends on here are too.
I'll update you (no D yet! But S agrment is signed) soon, promise. Have to stop these crazy 10 - 12 hr. work days. Thinking of you & sending lots of support & healing thoughts. ((((((Aver)))))))
Hey Aver and LFA ... I was thinking of both of you and wondering how you were doing. Thanks for the updates.
(((HUGS))) to you both. The ongoing journey... dealing with more when you think you've reached your limit... it sucks. Yet, look how strong we have found out we are?
Think about how much you have changed and grown and what a much better place you are in than when you first posted here. I know I am amazed at the change in myself.
We are moving forward Ladies.
Thanks, all for writing in.
I am doing the best I can with thought-stopping. Being in the present moment. "there is nothing but walking down this hallway right now" etc.
I have a bunch of new friends, (thru running) that are parents. And these new parents--they LIKE their kids! Not like my generation. (miserable childhood, but whatever) So they talk happily about soccer, or music lessons, whatever.
And I am stunned and whacked over and over again...did X WANT this all those years? or hahahahha--have fun with that soccer crap, you loser! or --She is so full of life, so vibrant, so life-giving compared to negative old Aver...I so want her to have my children!
Etc.
Yes, Antler, I know I will make it through. Too late to kill myself now. I have fun most days. Some days I cry. Etc.
Can't believe it, though. A kid. Wow.
Now to check up on LFA.
Aver,
sorry to hear of this news. I know it has to hurt, no matter how far along on your journey of moving on you are.
Don't pay it too much mind though. Just keep on living your life and keep your hedad up.
Hi all-
Well, not doing too well. Crying jags. Have to keep the crying towel in the car again. Withdrawn, sorrowful.
I keep in touch with X's mom, mostly for intel, but also a bit just to keep in touch with someone I knew for 20 years.
Now, I know the email convo's with her aren't good for me. She has her own, shall we say, issues, and in general isn't very tactful, shall we say.
But I'm glad she told me about the Blessed Event.
I dug for more info; I had to. The unfurling of the Happy Event seems to be:
Wife-to-be announces (when mom-in-law-to-be was visiting last spring) that She wants a Baby! Mom is a bit stunned, as X always very clear about not wanting kids.
Mom says that X said later, that "he was OK with it" Seems like She caught sooner than they expected.
So, it was sort of the middle ground between: Surprise! I'm pregnant! And "I love you so much, please have my children." More of "if that's what the Love of My Life wants, fine."
So--we go from 20 years of DINK, life in a small tight community, cats, to...LAND ROVER..HOUSEWIFE (yes, he's supporting her) house in the SNOOTIEST part of VT (sort of like Scarsdale or Westchester County in NY, and... A DOG!!
Now, nothing against dogs, but X and I were always pretty clear that they are annoying, etc, require so much care, etc.
Mom says that the dog came with Wife, so it wasn't like they picked out the Golden Retriever Puppy together.
Next thing you know, he'll be voting Republican!! (apologies to any Republicans out there)
I have a date with my most supportive buddy on Saturday. I need it. I know I need to let go; minimize contact with Mom; focus on my life, not Theirs.
But criminy, this hurts SO much. I can't believe how much this hurts. Why?
I keep seeing it as a reflection on our life together. Like, he was happy drinking skim milk all his life, seemed good enough, pretty happy, but THEN--WOW!!! Whole Milk!! Who knew life could be this good? So fulfilling! So satisfying! What a waste those 20 years were!
I'm just knocked back several steps.
In 18 months this man:
met a woman. Had an affair. Moved out. Moved in with her. Bought a new house. Got pregnant. Got married. Changed jobs (within his company)
He met her, and was just DONE with me. CityGirl said it: when the WAS says he's "done" he means it. No prevarication, no hesitation, total clarity of vision to move on.
Pretty busy year, wouldn't you say?
I just keep adding up all the Life Stresses Points this year adds up to for him, and hoping he drops dead of a heart attack.
OK-I mostly wanted to share how much pain I am in. I'm trying not to lean too hard on my RL friends. But they are there for me.
time time time. All in good time.
Be well, all my friends! Enjoy this beautiful fall!
Aver
Hello Ms. Aver..
This is a great place to express the burden, angst, hurt of being left by a life partner. The way they exit leaves a deep open wound that hurts beyond compare. Yet I kept hurting myself by picking at things I could never change, making the wound worse.
Being proactive, stacking the wood, getting the meds needed are all good stuff. Anxiety takes the smallest kernel of truth and magnifies it to the worst thing possible. When thoughts swirl stop what you're doing. Distract your mind, disconnect the whirlpool.
Here's the hardest thing I had to learn.
Whatever the former spouse did and/or does has NOTHING to do with me. Once he decided he was done, I was no longer part of the equation. And that was tough and took a long while to get a handle on. Trying to second guess if your partner really wanted kids, preferred dogs over cats is chum for an anguished mind to feed on. Mine opted to blow off his three kids, commit to her before leaving the marriage, adopt a dog with her, get married and are expecting a baby (he's 56). The only thing I care about is how it affects my kids.
I had to learn to hush people when they started talking about him during and after the divorce. It did nothing for me and in the end would hurt me deeply. Letting go is tough.
I do have a relationship with my (former) mother-in-law which works for both of us.. but we do not discuss her son by mutual unspoken choice. Tapping into your mother-in-law for gossip sounds like it brings its own can of worms. You may want to ask yourself if it's worth it.
The more he takes up space in your head, the less room you have to grow. Be good to you, Aver. Do what makes you feel better, calm, healthy.. what brings a true smile, laughter to your life.
Your life is no longer about him.
It's about you.. unique, wonderful you.
*hugs*
Oh Aver. The suckitude
. I'm so sorry that you are suffering. (((hugs)))
You have a tough challenge to take on dear. Your head is so much in "their business", and you know how toxic that is. I think that's where The Work can help: truly facing reality and embracing it.
I've had a lot of problems with unhealthy obsession since the separation, and the recent mini-breakup triggered it again. I think that obsession is about control, trying to make things safe for ourselves by gaining an illusion of control. Of course, obsession just ends up making us feel less safe and more out of control as we lose touch with our own reality.
I don't remember if you're taking ADs? They really helped me with thought-stopping. I still get on the obsession train, but I can often redirect it or get off it now, whereas before I felt that I absolutely couldn't. That has been such a relief.
Take care dear.
The suckitude. Good word Flo.
Aver, I love the advice Gypsy gave you. I hope that you can take that to heart and find yourself moving in that direction. I also look forward to the day we get to hear about you throwing away your crying towel. Maybe you'll even burn it! The day will come when you won't need it.
The recent developments have put you back on the roller coaster. That has happened to me as well. But I find that the down dips are not so sharp and low and I am starting to climb back up sooner and higher.
(((BIG HUGS)))
No Contact is what finally gave me the time and space to heal. Like Gypsy said, anything other than that is picking at wounds so they won't heal.
There is a saying:
Does it hurt when you do that? Then stop doing that.
If your ex has made all of these 180s, then know that he is no longer the person who "fits" with you. He may have been, for a long time. But he isn't now. So better that you have gained that space back to first, to
Find you, get to know the soul that occupies your body, as an whole, perfect individual
Many hugs....we know, without you even having to say a word.
Aver, I just read what happened. I am so sorry you have to deal with knowing this information. I am pretty sure most people would be set back into depression (I will if it happens to me) with this information.
Please keep posting so we can keep an "eye" on you. (((Avermont)))
I think you remember all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself, but it isn't just "hot air." You really need to do those things: sleep, eat, vent, anti d's, therapy so you don't get sick physically or mentally.
Aver, I just read what happened. I am so sorry you have to deal with knowing this information. I am pretty sure most people would be set back into depression (I will if it happens to me) with this information.
Please keep posting so we can keep an "eye" on you. (((Avermont)))
I think you remember all the things you are supposed to do to take care of yourself, but it isn't just "hot air." You really need to do those things: sleep, eat, vent, anti d's, therapy so you don't get sick physically or mentally.
Absolutely. thinking of you
Wow, guys, thanks SO much for the outpouring of support.
I am trying not to lean too much on RL friends---to have you all in chime in is just too wonderful.
Gypsy, you are entirely right. It's not that I don't KNOW all that stuff--it's the doing and believing it.
[/quote]Whatever the former spouse did and/or does has NOTHING to do with me. Once he decided he was done, I was no longer part of the equation.[quote]
This ^ is really hard. If I understand any of this, he was pretty well happy with our life before She came along.
Sorta like the first time you saw color TV--ooh, does that age me??! And you can't believe what you have been missing.
So he wasn't "done" until he found a reason to be "done." We didn't have years of distance, silence, rage, coldness, growing-apartness for him OR me to feel like our lives were slipping away in a loveless M.
Flowmom wrote that she is enjoying Guitarist so much, because she had been in a M with "lack of affection, love, sex" and that hurt, too, cause that is what X was feeling.
I know I have to chill on the R with exMIL. Can I, though, have one long crying phone convo with her--ask all the questions, get it over with? Just the one? and then any email contact is just friendly stuff, with only PERTINENT info--like X and She are going to the Phish Concert, or will be on the plane from my city to her city...stuff that I want to know so I can keep clear or at least prep my mind.
I'm re-reading your words, Gypsy. "letting go." Have I not done that? Apparently not!
I did say to myself today: "look, Aver, you are finally grieving. You spent the whole last year in a huge anxiety crazed drunken phase. Now you have to feel the pain for real."
So if I can honor the feeling of grief, and REALLY let go...there's my healing.
Sheesh.
I'm doing all the good stuff--exercise, vits, AD's, talking to friends--keeping on keeping on.
Rocked, I would burn the crying towel, but it's too soggy! I have given to Good Will a dress that I never liked but X always said was really great.
Thanks again, all.
will keep posting.
Be well!
Aver, I just want to say that I know what you are going through. My x had a baby with the OW before we were even divorced and we were married for 18 years and together for 22 and it took 4 years to be divorced. I do not have to describe to you how difficult it was. What you can do with your MIL is never speak badly of her son. Always take the high road. Do your best. Keep it up. You will get there, but it is not easy and was very hard for me. That's the truth but you will get there. Take care of yourself and you will. Wonder
Thanks, Wonder.
As much as I am sorry to hear other's pain, it does help to hear the stories. Still seems unbelievable to me, but reading here makes it clear it happens every day.
Thanks for the advice on taking the high road. Truth to tell, MIL and I are definitely engaging in teenage catty gossipy-ness--not outright, but both of us are delicately circling saying "what a jerk!!" It's not healthy or mature. And it just feeds my focusing on him.
Each day the pain of the Baby News lightens a little bit. It's crazy how hard this hit me. Who knew I would care so much about a baby?
Worked with my IC today on letting go of the story that this is ALL MY FAULT, I AM THE WORST PARTNER in the world, etc., etc. Then I cried and drived. Soggy towel!
Well, as I posted months ago:
even if it could be scientifically proven that I was the WORST partner in the world, and X was a perfect angel, etc., what good does it do me to keep beating myself up about it?
Learn from it and move on, right?
I just gotta DO that, is all.
On the bright side, my TO (transition object! ;)) and I continue to have a good time.
Now to check in on LFA.
Your transition object? Hey, that should be in the list of things you do to take care of yourself! Let's add it! Good job, Aver.
I don't see the harm in having a crying fest with your MIL. I mean you're relationship is done, sadly, so who really cares if you avoid your inlaws or not? Honestly-- if we truly move on, we don't care with the ex thinks of us. So anything that got back to him (like how you were so upset) is not a big deal, is it? Of course you are upset...to pretend like it didn't hurt you is silly. But you are also moving forward with your life and not calling him or emailing him all broken hearted...I think doing that kind of stuff is not ok and goes against the DB rules.
Sorry to ramble.
I really like this:
even if it could be scientifically proven that I was the WORST partner in the world, and X was a perfect angel, etc., what good does it do me to keep beating myself up about it?
Learn from it and move on, right?
Absolutely- what good does it do to remember all the bad things we contributed to our relationship. It is in the past! Can't undo it!
And even if you were progressing, we all have setbacks from time to time. I think the self help grieving experts say that each time we grieve, it should be getting shorter and we can bounce back sooner from the funk than the previous time.
Hello Ms. aver..
Newmama's advice is excellent!
The pain of your divorce is not yours alone. Parents feel like a failure if their children divorce.. that they're at fault. They have their own fear of losing their relationship with you, losing touch with their grandchildren/nieces, nephews. They are deeply hurt. They have their own grief to work through. But they have good friends who can listen. Having that final cry is putting your mother-in-law in a sticky situation.. and not a good one either. It's different if she has an emotional meltdown with you. This was a child of her womb. But even that is dicey.
I found I had to forge a ..not new... but different relationship with my former in-laws. I was consistent early on to keep saying that I'd like to have a relationship with them (sisters and mom) but that I understood and did not want to come in the way of their relationship with their brother/son. It helped immensely that my mother-in-law told her daughters that I'd been a member of the family for 25 years and that I still was.
My mother-in-law and I don't talk about him. My sisters-in-law will talk about him to vent. Over time I've learned to listen a bit, not take things personally then subtly change the subject to something else. Hearing about him, especially in the most painful times did nothing positive for me. Yet I realize they have their own pain.. but it doesn't have to be mine.
The former spouse blamed me for everything that ever went wrong, still does. I was thankful during the painful time that he didn't take any responsibility because no one can do the wrong thing 100% of the time!
Good job on getting out of the self medicated blur. The good and bad of that is that you experience the feelings of loss but in a way that leads to growth and healing.
A suggestion... stop capitalizing them.. She, The Happy Couple... etc. It's giving like deferring to their eminence.. like you'd refer to the pope or royal couple.
Why did he leave a relationship you felt was great? Who knows.. and you never will. But goodness me, he's gone out of his way to prove he's done (and probably has been for a while).
In my case I still desperately wanted a relationship as parents but he didn't/couldn't based on her needs. So he moved in immediately with her (joint account and all)two weeks after the bomb, got married about 3 months after the divorce was final and are now welcoming a baby after a year and a half of marriage.
And you know what? It's none of my business.. nor do I want it to be. Babies are miracles, deserve all the love possible. And he's not my husband. My emotional wellbeing is not forefront in his mind. He's a guy who's neglects his children and pays the alimony/support on time.
It's a very tough time. You're doing all the right things. Keep going and showing that incredible aver you are.
*hugs*
I will post one more thing. Even if you were the worst wife on the planet you did not deserve this. If you were like me you were a good one. Wonder
Thanks, Gypsy.
Your words and story are hard, but necessary.
I will stop capitalizing them.
One more step:
I just deleted the email folder I had set up for any mail from him to go directly to.
Not that I had gotten any emails from him since I bought the house in May.
I had deleted most everything from that box except:
The mystery email he sent me in October: while living with OW; opening night of the community theatre show he was working on, he sent me an article about ambulances (I'm on rescue squad)
No idea why.
At the time, of course, I took it as hope--he's thinking of me! For some reason, he is not at opening night show with her--he is home and read this and thought of me!
I deleted that tonight.
I then copied down the email info he sent me on the house internet password stuff, and deleted that email.
Then I deleted all my deleted email.
Then I went thru "sent" mail and deleted every note I have sent to his mother, and to him.
All gone. By-by.
If I weren't at work, I would cry. Having a hard time not.
Still struggling with the baby stuff. Still on the down side of the roller coaster, but I think it has bottomed out. Should be climbing back up again soon, I hope.
Guess it is just the grief. Just the pain I blotted out last year working its way through.
Had a great run today. Looking forward to an afternoon run tomorrow.
Work is good; community theatre is good; took a break from rescue this month; house and tenants and cats are good; friends are good.
Lots of good to focus on.
Just some tears left to get through.
Have a good night, all!
Dear (((Aver))),
Just caught up on your post, & again I can't improve on all the wisdom here. Congratulate yourself for those email deletes, I know that's harder than it sounds. I still have 2-3 yrs. worth of emails from H in my work email I haven't deleted. Don't read em, but have not deleted. But I will.
I've read even those simple acts like giving away clothes that have "memories" attached, the stuff you've done, helps immensely on a psychological & very real level.
When I moved, I remember going through the closets & finding my wedding shoes. Only wore them once. To Goodwill they went, along w alot of clothing from my past, almost all of it w H. It's very much a purging symbolically & physically. You are on the right track. You are doing great, and just want to send lots of love & hugs your way. (((())))) Gypsy is so right, & the others too. I am thinking of you & will check back soon. Stay strong. Hugs!
Hey Aver..
Pat yourself on the back for deleting all those emails. I know it's hard but how wonderful you'll no longer see or have to look for them. When I was going through stuff, I came across a small notebook we'd taken on our honeymoon. He'd written me a little note saying how much he loved me.. etc. I think I held onto it.. for the kids, of course (more like me).. as a way of desperately validating that it had been real.
Of course it was real. But my reality is much different now. Not something I would have willingly chosen even though life is calmer, more serene without the stress of a marriage on boulders falling down the cliff which I rationalized was a rough patch but normal. Yes.. I wanted it to work. But now I know what 'work' is.
It's like I'm looking forward now. When I was in the play this fall, one guy, about 5 or 10 years older than me liked me. He's married so I was quite direct in what I felt was appropriate and more or less had a guillotine attitude toward anything untoward.
I met his wife.. and when we were talking she told how she'd blown him off in college until he'd done this incredibly sweet sensitive thing. She said somewhat dismissively.. "He's weird." My first thought was oh my goodness. Never feel you're better than your spouse and/or put them down in front of others. I think that's how things start to turn.
It was a sudden flash.. and I'm not looking nor do I want anything from or with him. But a light went off.
Keep doing what's getting you in a better place. Self care is your best friend. Feeling all those emotions is tough, working through them is great. Keeping seeing folks who are supportive, who can listen. I found seeing an excellent counselor helped immensely in processing all this fun stuff.
And I still going through it.. just not as much. And I backslide when I have to deal with him.. but each time less so. And I'm the one who makes my own misery, not him. He's just trying to check off something from a past life he wants nothing to do with.
Keep posting. Keep growing. You're the best.
*hugs*
Aver,
Good for you for deleting that folder. Baby steps lead to bigger steps in the whole "moving on" process...
Dear Aver, How are you? What did you do for T-Giving? I am so, so nuts w work it's starting to become a problem for me, much as I want to post, I've been staying away from the computer when I'm not at work.
Anyway, thinking of you & hoping you are feeling as fabulous as you are!! I'l check in soon.
(((((hugs)))))
Hi all, and thanks so much for posting!
Gypsy, do you do community plays? Tell me about them!
I was at my sister's for Tgiving, travel and all so didn't post.
Here is where I am at:
self-forgiveness
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14690-self-forgiveness/My marriage broke up because I couldn't commit wholly and lovingly to the R.
I know, I know, it takes 2. My IC is practically beating me to accept that it takes 2, and the whole thing was not 100% my fault.
But this is where I am on the journey.
The baby news has just knocked me back. Who knew? The only thing that gives me consolation is picturing him out walking the dog in the morning, pushing a stroller and holding a plastic bag of dog-doo.
So, the grief is hitting me hard. I guess I am just feeling the pain that I blocked so effectively with anxiety and alcohol last year.
I thought of LFA, who wrote that when she saw her STBXH in December for the divorce, it would be a year since she had seen him.
I can almost say that. Mid-December last year, we met to go over finances. I saw him out of the corner of my eye in March at Town Meeting. We spoke on the phone in May when he gave me the happy marriage news. Anyhow, the point is I still get knocked over when I think it has been a year since we really saw or spoke.
My IC asks if I am still "wrestling with reality" (Byron Katie and all)
I hope not. Every time I say "I can't believe this happened!" I answer "you CAN believe it. It did."
So, the grief is present, and hard. I do find I can be pulled out of my sorrow by almost any little friendly interaction--and my students and friends are great for that. So at least I am not in the numb unresponsive phase, anymore.
Wish me luck as I try to take these steps to self-forgiveness. It almost seems the hardest thing of all.
Be well, all!
((((Aver))), thinking of you. You are so strong, keep pulling yourself from the sorrow, seek it out. You can do this! I just replied to your post under the "Goals" thread here in Surviving. Brief update there, but will post back soon! Lots of hugs & positive thoughts to you ((((())))). Talk soon! LFA
Aver, just wanted to let you know I started a new thread here in Surviving, it's called D is final. Not the most original title is it! Also, my old thread got locked - wasnt' able to post a notice there. Anyhoo, I hoope you're doing OK & sending you lots of hugs & positive energy! (((()))) Talk to you soon.
Dear all-
This may be my last post here.
Thank goodness 2010 is finally over.
I had a bit of a breakthru before Xmas.
As short as possible:
Drove away from an app't with acupuncturist/friend cause X's car was there. (same office building)
Was all set to cry/drive. Then my sis called, all terribly upset about troubles with her SO GF. Parked, talked to her for an hour, spouting off all the wisdom you all have given me.
Continued to drive home. Felt a physical shift inside my chest. Sort of calm, peaceful.
Got home. Got a card from XFIL--meant the world to me.
Did a favor for a guy I dated in the summer.
And somehow--all those karmic things--made an internal shift.
I have been able to meditate every day since.
I have cried less often. When I do cry, I am able to feel--or at least think--compassion for myself.
The pain comes short and sharp. But I breathe thru it now, and console myself like a friend would--rather than beating myself up.
I can talk with LFA, Kel Rocked, Gardener, Mindful, and all my other wonderful DB friends on FB now, so I think I will spend more time there than here.
I can't say thanks enough for the love and support I have gotten here. (I'm crying now!). I wouldn't be here today if not for all of you.
The pain, sorrow, love, and support here are beyond measure. Surely the powers of the universe will bring peace and love to all who have held and helped each other here, all who have wept and offered comfort to others despite their own pain.
Blessings, love and peace to all.
Allison