Today I will be divorced.
Today, a part of my life will end.
Today, a part of my life will begin.
It's my turn.
peace
bridge
whoa - i just realized you registered BEFORE I did?! What's up with that?
By that point, I had been lurking for about 6 months, I registered to post a response to some LBS who was lambasting his WAW.. then chickened out.
My first post was not until 6/2008.. almost 7 months later.
LOL
Not sure what the record between registering & the first post is.
well, i think you're in the running
Hey Bridge.
I don't know how long it's gonna take until we feel whole again, but I am certain that healing will come. We gotta keep going in the right direction, we gotta stay committed to going forward, we gotta realize that what we feel is normal, and we gotta realize that we 'have to' go through a process to recover.
We gotta realize also that our feelings are temporary and not always rational, no matter how strongly we feel them.
Rebuilding our lives and embracing our singleness again is gonna be different! Any future relationship is only gonna be as good as what we bring to it.
Good luck
Today, a part of my life will begin.
So where are you headed?
You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach
Hi Bridge.
With the finality of the divorce begins some defined healing.
I have read a little of your sitch, and because of the abuse, don't necessarily think of you as a WAS, but as a survivor of something greater. Kudos for you to know that to become that survivor, you needed to be able to survive. Getting out sometimes is the only way.
I am a multiple marriage survivor (yeah, let's not do THAT again) with the first being an abusive marriage. I thank God for giving me the strength that many don't.
I like your attitude...today is definitely a new chapter. Allow yourself to grieve and close the old.
(((Bridge)))
Just getting ready to head back to see my D15 this week-end as she advanced to the state competition for speech contest.
To answer Coach's question:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Happy Week-end & Peace
Bridge
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Where I went to college that is the quote on the inside front cover of the school's handbook. I took a very different road in college, my education helped me DB.
Cheers
Just getting ready to head back to see my D15 this week-end as she advanced to the state competition for speech contest.
To answer Coach's question:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Happy Week-end & Peace
Bridge
I am helping run our State Speech contest this weekend! We are hosting at our beautiful new high school, I can't wait! What is her category? You are doing very well, Bridge...
Hi Bridge.
With the finality of the divorce begins some defined healing.
I like your attitude...today is definitely a new chapter. Allow yourself to grieve and close the old.
(((Bridge)))
Hi Lola
Thanks for stopping by..
yeah.. grief. One thing I learned early in my WAW days.. I didn't know how to grieve, I still don't do it very well, but who does?
More chapters closing today as we finalize banking & financial stuff.
Hope to see more of you.. maybe you can impart some wisdom for me on how to choose more wisely after ending an abusive R.
Peace
Bridge
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
Where I went to college that is the quote on the inside front cover of the school's handbook. I took a very different road in college, my education helped me DB.
Cheers
Funny all the places an education helps.. something that to me is a priceless asset.
Thanks for checking on me & providing your support, it means a lot
Peace
Bridge
I am helping run our State Speech contest this weekend! We are hosting at our beautiful new high school, I can't wait! What is her category? You are doing very well, Bridge...
Hi BobbiJo,
A new high school!!?? Wow, lucky you guys, in this economy. How did it go for you in that corner of the state?
D15 did very well.. she went in improv (got a 1) and oratory (got a 2). For a 9th grader I was so pleased & proud of her!!
Her brother also did very well in speech, when he was in high school, making All-State a couple times, also in improv & spontaneous speaking.
What a wonderful competition to give those with that kind of talent a showcase for it.
I'm glad you think I'm doing well... to me I'm just eating the elephant one bite at a time.
I'm glad someone that is a bit removed from the feast can see if it's disappearing!
Thanks for stopping by!
Peace
Bridge
Hello all that are reading along.
I started down the 'name change' maze today. Everything except my passport, a plane ticket & the social security card are DONE!
I signed my new name on my drivers license, bank account, and life insurance policy. Although I'm still introducing my self by my married name.. I think that will take some time.
By Wednesday... everything, except the plane ticket (which they apparently can't or won't do) will be in my maiden name.
Somethings are amazingly easy.. others (see the plane ticket) are not.
Joint financial pieces are also separating today & tomorrow that will also be completed. It is amazing to really sit back & look at how many places we overlapped our lives & how many things there are to disintangle.
Ironically, we had to educate some bankers today about what we could & couldn't do. With a 50% divorce rate you'd think this would be 2nd nature to them... apparently not.
I'm enjoying a beautiful spring day on my parent's back porch with an MGD, my dog at my feet & I will be picking my D15 up from play practice after supper....
..pleasure in small things.
Peace
Bridge
Make sure you hang onto something that matches the plane ticket! When XW changed her drivers license they told her to keep the old one, 'cause she'd need it! (That was in addition to giving her the new one.)
By Wednesday... everything, except the plane ticket (which they apparently can't or won't do) will be in my maiden name.
Absolutely hang on to the old driver's license and take a copy of the divorce decree with you showing the name progression. They will give you nothing but hassles at the airport about this. Security is becoming more and more strict by the day. Trust me.....I'm a corporate travel agent. You wouldn't believe the hoops I've had to help some people through when they've had name issues at the airport. the airlines will never change a name on an issued ticket. The systems are set up so that it can't even be done. The airlines are a power all of their own and play by their own rules anyway. Don't try to make sense out of it...it's a losing battle!
Here's to moving on, living large, and taking charge!!!
Ugh. Name change. A couple of weeks ago I was really dreading that. Now, I think I'd prefer W drop my name. She's rejecting everything else about our time together.
Financial stuff has taken 10 long months to separate -- mostly because I'm dragging my feet. We still have car insurance together because it's cheaper and I'm still on her insurance.
It'll hit me when I have to choose insurance. I've been on hers for so long I know nothing about it.
Hey Bridge,
A name change, that's awesome!!! Don't blow it with some lame predictable everyday moniker. Maybe now is the time to revive Mike's old thread on porno names.
What was it, your first pet + the street you lived on? I'd be Stefly Hurt. Hmmm, maybe not.
Thanks for all the great advice.. sadly, I turned in the Driver's license, the passport I'm sure will have to be given up.
The only option is probably the SS card for the time being. I do have my faculty ID with my old name on it and a picture.. maybe that will suffice along with the divorce decree.
As far as choosing a lame predictable moniker.. I'll have to blame my parents for the one I'm reusing. I forgot how difficult it is for people to spell it as well as pronounce it... silly 5 letter name that it is.
As far as Mike's old thread..
I would be Peggy Danburn. Not lame at all..
I pity my D15 if she played this game.
Zeus 280th
not quite the same with the rural E911 addresses and a male dog!
night everyone!
Bridge
I have to change my name, but I did decide not to do it until after the cruise in August with the Tween. I dread the hassle.
SS card will do nothing for you at the airport. It has to be government issued ID with your picture on it.
If you have the new DL and copy of your D decree that should suffice. Call your airline and advise them so they can document the record before you go to the airport. The less surprises they have, the better. And CHECK IN EARLY....minimum 1 hour, 1.5 hours at best.
I know when I changed my name to my married name I had an amendment attched to my passport. I wonder if it would be the same with a divorce. Check with the carrier asap so you won't have issues.
kat
thanks eveyone for your input
I asked at the passport office when I was there getting the name change
I get the old one back. Their new way of dealing with the name change
is punching two holes in ith epps one ndicating it is no longer valid but it will suffice to demonstrtate name change when carried with the new one.
Quite the process of doing it in person... Our tax $ at work!
luck of the Irish to you all today!
Bridge
HI Antlers,
Today is a good day..
I have been pre-approved for a mortgage! And will be making an offer on a house probably sometime next week.. I am so excited.
I am 40+ (cough-cough) years old and have never been a home owner so I am struggling with some of the basic issues of offers, closing costs, interest rates, etc.. all compounded by the fact that I am a non-citizen buying in a foreign country.. thank goodness they are friendly up here!
I will need to be out of my current rental about 2 months before I can move into my new home (if I get the one i am bidding on), so I will need to find short term somewhere... but even that seems to be falling into place and just another opportunity to live in a different neighborhood with new neighbors for a bit.
I keep stepping out on faith & lo & behold, the next step rises to meet me.
2nd best thing today.. the NCAA basketball tournament started and my alma mater won their first round last night & advance, of course they play Kansas tomorrow, but at least they made it to the dance & did well last night!!
my brother went to the same college & played on the 1990 team that knocked off Missouri in the first round 20 years ago, so it was exciting to see history repeated last night.
Thankfully there is a channel or two that shows the games up here so I can watch most of it. I love the game of baseketball.
So tonight I have a date with my comfy sweats, some cheesy nachos, cold beer, and my big screen.
I probably could use the 60 mile rides that you do after that!
Happy Friday everyone!
Peace
Brige
Bridge, ahhh a basketball fan. I run all of the pools at my job so a lot of the month is filled with basketball stuff. That helps get you focused on other things.
Although I live in Illinois, I spent five years as a kid in Kentucky and picked Big Blue to win it all.
I won't even care if the NCAA takes it away in a few years because of this or that.
Excellent job on the house. I am praying I'll come out of my sitch in good enough shape to buy a home. With so many foreclosures on the market the opportunity has never been greater.
We'll see. I fear bankruptcy is in my future. Oh well, renting isn't bad.
You mentioned another country. Where are you? Canada?
Congratulations on the mortgage. I hope they take your offer.
It's a learning process. Are you in Canada now?
It's nice when things just seem to fall into place!
Sounds like you're doin' good!
How did your alma mater do against Kansas? We have a good women's basketball team here at the university.
Is he in the NBA now?
Maybe you'll learn to like hockey, or the CFL, or dog mushin', and the like.
Sounds like a nice, comfortable, no-pressure date! Hope you enjoy it.
PMA Bridge...I can 'hear' it in your post! Good on you!
antlers
How did your alma mater do against Kansas?
giggle..
knocked them clean out of the tournament. Guessing it's the first time many people have even heard of them. That's ok...beating A number 1 seed (& #1 in the nation) in the 2nd round of the dance, will give them some national coverage for quite a while!
PMA.. yep, I am doing good.
A "friend" just emailed me & said "I hope you are happy where you are!??"
loved her question marks....
sure.. just peachy. Happy is not the destination, it's the journey.. and for many reasons (most of which she & many others will never know) it was time to move along on my journey to someplace & someday, hopefully someone, different.
I keep thinking, when I hear from people like her (friends who really weren't), that I have come a long ways baby.
Yes, I am now in the Great White North, eh.
Peace
Bridge
Hey Bridge...I'm lurking. Taking care of Goldey.
Hi goldey,
thanks for the thoughts & keeping tabs. Been praying for you.
Peace
Bridge
Today: I am first time home owner.
I have navigated the murky waters of mortgages, interest rates, closing costs, home inspections, offers & counter-offers... pretty much all by myself
(with the good support & listening ear of some pretty amazing friends & family!)
I take possession July 1st. Happy Canada Day! LOL
Online dating should be a piece of cake after this..
Today: like so many lately, was a good day.
Peace
Bridge
Yay!!!
Good for you, Bridgestone...
That is awesome, Bridge!! Way to go, girl!
You are an inspiration.
(((((Hugs)))))
Thanks Bobbijo & GF.
I am so pleased with how this whole thing has worked out!
I walked by this house almost daily for 6 months (it's just 2 houses down from where I'm currently renting) thinking this is EXACTLY the kind of house I want to buy.
And lo & behold, just when my rental lease is up & I needed to find someplace to live ...it comes on the market!! and the lady was happy to keep it as a private sale in order to keep me in the neighborhood. Guess it paid off to take holiday goodies around the neighborhood this winter! LOL
The wonderful thing about this deal is that the owner is working on a deal with me to let me purchase any of the furniture she has! Which includes some 'nice' stuff.. leather living room set, almost new washer/dryer, frig, etc. bedroom sets, etc.
This a big deal for me because I took a cash settlement for the household goods in the D instead of the 'stuff' as it was difficult & not cost effective to move it 600 miles.
I have been furniture shopping this week to fill in the 'gaps'. I"m so excited.. I didn't have to check with anyone else to see if they "liked" it too! It was what "I" wanted and what "I" liked. No eye rolling, no dragging of feet, no huffing that I was taking too long to decide... so nice!
For GAL this week:
I am headed out in a bit for a women's meetup group this afternoon (hot yoga) and then a movie tonight. On Monday, my wine meetup group (yes I started my own!) is meeting for the 2nd time, Tuesday is the dog shelter volunteer night and then Thursday I'm headed back to see my daughters Spring Play next week-end. Whew!
OK.. I should get up & finish my coffee & get going instead of just talking about it!
Bridge
Good stuff. I'm supposed to go to a Game night tonight with a group on meetup.com. I don't know why but I'm nervous. I'm an extrovert and outgoing, but just going to a house where I don't know anyone at all is tough. I feel like a kid again moving into a new neighborhood.
Good time to buy a house. Did you get a good price?
Hi Bridgestone, congratulations on the new house! Will raise a toast to you on Canada day! I agree with GF, you and your story are an inspiration. Thank you also for your encouragement on my thread. I appreciate it. Happy to see good things are finally coming to you.
Ahh.. yes, just when I needed a sign from above. He provided.
Detaching is so much easier when they continue to spew the mean, nasties and deny their role in healing and/or harming the R.
In midst of the fallout from a week-end event, XH relates that he never really forgave me for things from very early in our R as well as early in our MC efforts. And he never has really trusted me since then..
huh, go figure.. I wonder if that is why it was difficult to reconcile, deal with his own growth & anger issues when he didn't forgive.
oh well, while not perfect in my growth efforts and changing.. I was willing to work through the efforts it took to forgive and open the path to rebuilding trust .. well past time most people would have.
And I move along...there's something beautiful to see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nO3qILwdkBoPeace
Bridge
Hi again Bridgestone,
Just a thank-you for a great comment you wrote on another thread:
"Learn to VALIDATE.. really truly, what she does share with you for thoughts and feelings...not this "i understand how you feel & I'm sorry you feel that ' BS that is sometimes pushed around here as validation"
I forget sometimes that all validation is not created equal! I needed to hear this. I've written it down to help me stay objective and hear a little deeper - to understand if I'm *really* being validated or not.
Detaching is so much easier when they continue to spew the mean, nasties and deny their role in healing and/or harming the R.
Hey Bridge,
Glad things are going well with you. I just want to chime in with one note of caution. It may seem easy when the X reinforces why you left, but in reality I think it's not so clear-cut as that. Conflict is an attachment in and of itself. By holding on to that finger-pointing, justified as it may be, you're still holding on. There is as much of an attachment with disappointment or anger/hate as with love.
The thing to strive for is not feeling the need to comment on it anymore. To let that attachment, and the associated tally-card of who did what, go - frustrating as that may be. Trust me, I had to learn to do it with my parents and then with my XW. Until you learn to truly accept that it was what it was and to let it go, you'll never truly be free. Leave that completely behind and trust solely in yourself now.
Not trying to be a wet blanket on your progress, because it seems like you're doing great. Just hoping you don't get into the morass that I got into.
cheers, lodo
Conflict is an attachment in and of itself. By holding on to that finger-pointing, justified as it may be, you're still holding on. There is as much of an attachment with disappointment or anger/hate as with love.
After our session on the decks with my cold beer, sans yours, I spent some more time thinking about what you had put here. As usual, you make me think about things in ways I had not before. I so appreciate that about you.
The thing to strive for is not feeling the need to comment on it anymore. To let that attachment, and the associated tally-card of who did what, go - frustrating as that may be.
yes it is frustrating. I have gotten some better with that, the need to rehash every word & nuance of what he says and needing to understand the "WHY" is fading. He is who he is.. part of thanking him for continuing to do things that are part of the reason I left him, does help keep me in the moment & detached. Maybe that's a twisted way to do it, but for me it helps me be move along that detachment continuum.
He is who he is and I can recognize his behaviours as something I don't want in my life....just as I can watch a acquaintance/colleague that I'm getting to know here and recognize that they exhibit behaviours & values that are not something i want in my life.
With the XH... I'm reducing the value I place on our R when I see it.. the sum is not to zero yet. I recognize that and I right now I struggle to see when in my life I would have a zero value in some type of R with the man. Maybe I'll get there maybe I won't.. for now, I can recognize it's not there.
This particular exchange last week with him, for some reason, was very hurtful, yet it helped a lot of pieces click into place for me, which gave me some peace. It helped many of his actions over the past couple years make so much more sense to me.. it helped to answer the "WHY".
Which alleviated some of my inner blame & guilt... that I didn't do enough to work the process, that I didn't stick with it long enough, that I didn't support him getting the IC help he said he wanted & needed to work through his own issues to come back to MC in a more healthy place.
When I step back & look at that through the lens you helped me see with I can see how that is more of me thinking I can control outcomes, by taking on the blame.. in an indirect way it's me thinking that I could have made a difference.
I do and given my past I do not give trust easily... yet that is why I think abot what you say. Because i trust you & know you care about me to tell me these things in a way that helps me reframe it. That is a priceless gift. Thank you.
. Until you learn to truly accept that it was what it was and to let it go, you'll never truly be free.
perhaps not
Leave that completely behind and trust solely in yourself now.
I want to be able to trust someone others in my life too. I'm not sure how to walk this line and maybe I'm not understanding what you mean by trust solely in myself??
Not trying to be a wet blanket on your progress, because it seems like you're doing great.
.. most days I am ... this week & week-end has been me GAL'ing a lot trying to get into a better frame of mind to think about these things. I have a dear friend who is also going through some similar issues with her H.. the physical stuff & it's triggering things for me, not bad.. just feelings & I know they pass.
Thanks for being here.
Peace
Bridge
An update..
Life has been good.. things are moving along & moving forward.
Spring has come to the land, warmness, new life, new directions.
Building friendships continue to have priority for me right now in life, as well as continue to nurture existing ones. I learned the hard lesson of what a 'true' friend is through out the ordeal of separation & divorce..
and I am using what I learned to cultivate relationships that are healthy for me.
I'm contemplating a undertaking radical personal expression experience in early fall that would push my boundaries and widen my horizons.
I'm not sure quite yet what is holding me back from accepting the invitation to embark on this adventure... I have gotten as far identifying 'fear' 'uncertainty' and am struggling to understand those feelings and the thoughts that cause them.
Anyways.. things with the new house continue to progress nicely.. I'm having some hardwood floor refinishing estimates done tomorrow & then in 2 weeks will be taking a weeks vacation to spend time with S20 and finish the packing necessary to move at the end of the month.
As always.. thanks to those that read along and those that post.
Peace
Bridge
Radical personal expressions aren't for everyone. It's a bit like jumping in with the sharks in the belief you can fight off whatever threatens you. The experience will probably be exhilarating, but it could also leave you wondering what just happened and why did you do it.
You shouldn't push your boundaries too far if it involves forsaking a personal comfort zone. Otherwise you'll just be miserable. Before you can radically self-express, you need to radically self-preserve. ;-)
If you do the right thing, there's no way you can go wrong.
Take care of yourself first and foremost.
"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." - William Shakespeare
Well, it's been almost a month since my last posting. things continue to progress in life and new normal continues to emerge.
My daughter is back with me for the summer and we are in our temporary housing until I take possession of my new home on July 1st.
XH had a hard time with D15 leaving him alone in the house. He ended up drunk texting the night she got here.. Lots of 'poor me' stuff. I answered the first few with upbeat replies & then ignored the rest.
I have a outing (not a date) tonight with a guy friend from a wine group. we are going to see a live band at a bar downtown. just 2 people going out for some entertainment, because we both know it sucks to sit home on a Friday night with no one to do things with & a town full of things to do.
But the dating thing... yeah. Still wondering how that works at 40+. The online dating sites seem to match me with construction workers who smoke or mama's boys who have never been married and are adamant in wanting slim & sexy "gal/girl", with no mention of intelligence, humor, or values.
I've resigned myself to just living my life, being open to opportunities, & letting the 'partner' thing work itself out when it does. A watched pot never boils.
I'm still contemplating the radical personal expression experience in late summer. I've self-preserved enough these past 3 years... it's time to experience.
Good for you! Yea, the dating thing is a big mess isn't it. Most of the sites have the same people on all of them, so really no need to sign up for them all. I think getting into different activities is going to be the way to go.
I think you have a good outlook on it. I need to borrow that attitude for a bit. Have fun tonight.
kat
But the dating thing... yeah. Still wondering how that works at 40+. The online dating sites seem to match me with construction workers who smoke or mama's boys who have never been married and are adamant in wanting slim & sexy "gal/girl", with no mention of intelligence, humor, or values.
So where would Bridge find people who are intelligent, humorous and share your values?
I'm still contemplating the radical personal expression experience in late summer.
Curious minds minds want to know. What is a RPEE?
The curiosity is killing me too!
So where would Bridge find people who are intelligent, humorous and share your values?
I have found lots places to meet these kind of people.. 99% of them are not single middle aged men
I keep hoping some of them might know one (or two) to introduce me to.
Curious minds minds want to know. What is a RPEE?
An extreme camping experience with unbelievable art, amazing music, phenomenal geology and about 20,000 people from all walks of life giving to the community.
Now I can see how you and Lodo would end up friends! Sounds right up his alley.
Who do you think introduced me to it
Now that makes total sense. He is such a good guy.
yep.. he is. hands down no doubt about it.
He's from the midwest too...
I know. He is from Missouri. No wonder why he doesn't want to come visit in the summer. He knows how hot and muggy it is. He grew up about an hour or so away from here.
Is radical personal expression experience anything like
Burning Man?
If so, I recommend you shop around for leopard suit attire. And dont forget to pack condoms. Lots of em.
LOL! That is exactly what I was thinking Kerry!
Thanks for the advice. I'll see what I can find up here in the great white north for leopard print.. it might be snow leopard print.
Snow Leopard is very rare - you will be getting extra attention. Purrrrr.
Is radical personal expression experience anything like Burning Man?
That looks like spring break/mardi gras for adult hippies.
Coach -
Burning Man occurs at the Black Rock Desert in Northern Nevada around Labor Day. Here is their website:
http://www.burningman.com/I like this quote talking about advertising:
When advertising on-playa, please remember that Burning Man attendees are Homo-sapiens and not marsupials; a naked person has no pockets to stash flyers. Flyers are an unintentional cause of trash problems, but stickers or body stamps are a more practical option.
What do you do about the hurt, and the disappointment, and the remorse, and all the other negative emotions that accompany awful situations like yours and mine? Do they go away in time? Do you just get 'over' them? What?
I hate it...absolutely HATE IT...that I didn't get a chance, after the fact, to be 'this way' while she was still 'that way'. She's different now, as am I. My son said it best..."you're the way that mom used to be...and mom is the way that you used to be."
What do you do about the hurt, and the disappointment, and the remorse, and all the other negative emotions that accompany awful situations like yours and mine?
I feel them.. & then let them go. Some days it takes longer than others. On those days I go hit golf balls, or work out really hard... or go dancing.. or cry & journal.
But I tend to do things that allow me choose other feelings. Talk to & hang out with good friends, go wander my new city & see new sites, plan vacations, etc.
I interact with more healthy people and am learning ways to share my feelings & thoughts that are acceptable in mature relationship.
I hate it...absolutely HATE IT...that I didn't get a chance, after the fact, to be 'this way' while she was still 'that way'.
I can hear that.. I can imagine you would hate it. Can you get to a place where you can 'thank' her for waking you up & creating the situation that enabled you to make those changes? So you didn't go through the rest of your life "that way"?
She's different now, as am I. My son said it best..."you're the way that mom used to be...and mom is the way that you used to be."
yeah well.. it is what it is. Let it go & move along. Easier said than done and it takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you do so.
Peace
Bridge
antlers.
What do you do about the hurt, and the disappointment, and the remorse, and all the other negative emotions that accompany awful situations like yours and mine? Do they go away in time? Do you just get 'over' them? What?
I hate it...absolutely HATE IT...that I didn't get a chance, after the fact, to be 'this way' while she was still 'that way'. She's different now, as am I.
Again, no words of wisdom, just comradeship.
She first told me there was a problem with the words. "I've gotten an apartment."
As I've told my stepson (even though it was his mother) who also had recently suffered a heartbreak, "If you're woman's first indication of - expression of - a problem is with the words, 'I'm leaving,' you're f*cked."
While this may sound contradictory, I am still getting over it even though my thoughts throughout the day STILL revolve mostly around "I can't believe she F'ing
LEFT me." And it's been eighteen months now.
Single biggest disappointment in a person in my life - from the person
I would've gone to the grave believing would never do such a thing.
"What do you do about the hurt"?
Endure.
That's what I try to do It's all I
can do.
And, yes, time.
peace,
Hey, Bridge-
Thanks for the advice. I'll see what I can find up here in the great white north for leopard print.. it might be snow leopard print.
My oldest son has gone to Burning Man for the last four years. I'm going this year!
I hate it...absolutely HATE IT...that I didn't get a chance, after the fact, to be 'this way' while she was still 'that way'.
I can hear that.. I can imagine you would hate it. Can you get to a place where you can 'thank' her for waking you up & creating the situation that enabled you to make those changes? So you didn't go through the rest of your life "that way"?
I think I was on my way to being there, or maybe even was there to a degree...but then she started getting more vindictive and mean...to the point that she changed her original paperwork for joint custody to going for sole custody. And things have continued to get worse on a nearly daily basis since then. It has messed with my head something bad! I have seen and heard things from her since then that I NEVER would have thought I would see and hear from her. Why the need to be so damn mean and vindictive? And punitive?
I am happy with the changes that I've made. Wish I'd have made them long ago. Had I done so, all this bad crap, I'm certain, wouldn't be happening. That's a tough one to choke down. My kids are so messed up. And their mother seems to be impervious to the damage that is being done. She is like someone other than the person I've known all these years.
Anyway, it sounds like you are doing well...and I'm glad for you. As far as Burning Man...I say 'go for it'! Use your melon though...it get's CRAZY there from what I've seen and heard.
Thanks for being here.
Thanks to all for the commentary on my considered RPEE.
As the event gets closer the reality of preparing for it on top of a recent move & settling into my new home is starting to seem overwhelming.
I have a 2 weeks to decide before tickets go off sale.
Had a rough night the other night.. phone call from XH and his same old, same old habits while we were trying to get some summer scheduling of the D15 worked out triggered some anxiousness, fear and subsequent lonliness in me.
I miss having someone to cuddle with, someone to just "be" with. I am content on my own... I manage to be alone & find things to occupy my time & mind with no problem.
I miss having priority in someone's life... I miss being 'that kind' of important to a significant other.
I talked to a friend...the feeling passed... and life goes on.
Have a meetup tonight with my wine group. Some new people will be there, looking forward to meeting them...
have softball tomorrow night. One of the men on the team has invited me to watch some harness racing (horses) that his family (mom/dad/brother) do during the summer in the surrounding rural communities.
He was surprised that I knew what harness racing was when it came up for a topic at the watering hole after one of the games. Apparently it's not widely known sport.. guess my growing up years had some odd forms of entertainment.
I may go see the races the week-end... the weather is suppose to beautiful.
Peace
Bridge
Bridge, There is a new poster in Newcomers, LizJane, that I think could use your wisdom and compassion.
I understand your comments above. Where you are in life is temporary. Real love will come your way.
Cheers
Thanks for thinking of me Coach I'm flattered that you think I can provide both of those to certain newbies.
I also appreciate your perspective on the temporariness of my love life
Cheers.
Bridge
Thanks for helping out over Newcomers with triage. I never thought I would get to a 100 posts on DB.
well,
It's Father's Day and D!5 is spending it with me.
I offered many times for XH to drive up here & spend the week-end with her and then take her back with him to his home state for his parents anniversary celebration next weekend.
He originally agreed to that about 2 months ago when we were discussing summertime plans and then suddenly about 6 weeks ago.. he changed them.
"you can keep her that week-end & I'll come get her on Monday, that way you have more time with her, I have to work because of Mom & Dad's thing the following week-end"
WTF??? Coming from the man who was texting me 20x a day, how hurt he was, how sorry he was he caused all this, & how much he missed his kids the first week she was up here this summer?
To be honest, I was like fine.. you don't want to see her after 2.5 weeks....great! I get more time with my daughter.
Then the reasons why he wasn't coming up this week-end, funny how they seem to do that isn't it?
Last week-end he was on the Mississippi river, partying with friends so he had traded work week-ends to do that...so he had to work this week-end to get last week-end off..
and he went to a concert last night with the same friends.. ironically it poured rain on them about 1/2 way through the concert & it was shut down.. karma's a bitch
I guess it is hard with your kid Father's Day , when you are out partying 600 miles away until past midnight the night before.
I thanked him for making the reasons behind his choices clear. Again it reiterates to me his values and where he places them. It pissed him off.. too F"ing bad.... I know it's hard to hear the truth.
D15 asked why he wasn't coming up.. I told her.
Your dad made the choice to trade week-ends to work.. he didn't want to work last weekend so he traded it for this week-end instead.
Her response.. but he was on the River last week-end with XYZ friends.? sounding puzzled..
My response... Yes, yes he was.. and he has to work now this week-end instead.
Silence.
I feel for her..
I mean he has EVERY right to be out having a good time. But making choices such that you deliberately are NOT with your kid on Father's Day??
sigh...
So, we are going to see harness racing today and a picnic. Saw ToyStory 3 last night (cute movie).. then game night.
He should be here sometime tomorrow... and I am a bit anxious about that.. He has not been up here on "my turf" for 10 months.
In other news, I take possession of my new house on Wednesday and have some things to iron out aobut it before that happens, but all in all.. life is good.
Peace
Bridge
Burning man tickets range from $210 to $300 each! Wow!
How are things going with the new house?
Are you still angry with him? Have you forgiven him? You seem to be more rational than the person I'm dealing with. 25 says that no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father...I think I'm dealing with the exception to that sentiment.
How are things going with the new house?
Have sort of moved in.. possession & there several days this week for the few updates that needed to happen before I permanently move in this upcoming week.
Are you still angry with him? Have you forgiven him?
I can get that way if I think about his choices. But yes, I have forgiven him and the debt he owed me.
You seem to be more rational than the person I'm dealing with. 25 says that no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father...I think I'm dealing with the exception to that sentiment.
Perhaps that applies when she is treated with and feels love & respect from him... without it, resentment is blinding to many other actions.
Thanks for stopping by & checking on me
Peace
Bridge
How long is her resentment gonna last?
Maybe her hatred is the fuel she burns to do what she has/is...(separation, divorce). Maybe her hatred is the only way she feels able to maintain any sense of power, or it may feel like the only control she has ever had in the relationship.
I don't know.
For me..."What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate." - Thoreau
I resolve to do things differently.
You seem to be leaving the past behind in order to live in the future. Good for you.
Hi Antlers,
thanks for stopping by..
2nd guessing why she feels what she feels is energy wasting. I hope you can find some things to do to distract yourself & spend your energy more productively.
We all leave the past behind... we have no other choice. Whether we learn from it or not & apply it to current & future choices, remains to be seen.
I happy to hear of your resolve.. I'm sure some in your future will be very fortunate to interact with the 'new you'.
====
I am officially moved into MY new house... it's not quite a 'home' yet, but it will be getting there soon.
I found as I was purchasing furniture for it that I had some personal issues to deal with... XH & I had spent over a year searching & finding just the 'right' style of bedroom & living room furniture about 7-8 years ago.
I loved the style.. a modern twist on mission/arts & crafts. Sadly, my eye is still caught by that style...
why sadly? Because I want my new home to look NOTHING like the one I left him. So it was indeed a challenge to find a style of furniture & decorating that I liked that looked little of what I left behind.
After much window shopping after the first of the year, I ordered a lot of the furniture in March after the D was final.. and was getting anxious that I wouldn't still like it when it arrived this past week.. I had no reason to worry.. I still very much like it and it looks amazing in my house... now for the painting and finishing touches
In the past 5 days I have completed the following home reno's (wow.. I love powertools!)
*installed 6 new light fixtures in the dining room, entryway, hallway, bathroom, & stairwell
*installed a new medicine cabinet in the bathroom
*replaced my sliding closet doors
*painted, cut & replaced quarter-round floor trim in 2 bedrooms, hallway & living
*assembled D15's bedroom furniture
*installed 2 window AC units
*replaced & ran coax & cat 5 wiring for my TV & internet connections
*removed 20 year old contact paper from the kitchen shelves & put new (non-adhesive) back in
I had to come back to work to get a rest!
Peace
Bridge
Wow! I am not nearly that 'handy' myself. I would have no clue what to do with the coaxial cable...but I bet the house is looking great!
I too love mission style and arts/crafts with some Prairie thrown in there. exH and I bought all new mission end tables and tv stand in 2007 just as he was starting up his PA. I kept them in the D...
I have had the same particle-board headboard and dresser since we got married. Was going to buy a mission style set for my bedroom too, but that is what "we" were going to get. I haven't bought it because I have to decide if that is really what I like or if I like it because 'we' wanted it. Make sense?
I bet your new stuff looks great!
Hey BBJ.. thanks for stopping by. I totally understand the waiting to see what you want for furniture. I waited for almost 3 years. I walk inot my bedroom, my living room, what ever room and love every piece. You will too!
Things continue to slowly come together here at my new home. Still slowly unpacking boxes and finding the right places for certain things.
I used a new power tool today.. an electric hedge trimmer. Quite the machine and it's amazing how neatening up those bushes makes the whole yard just sparkle
I made a new friend today.. she also drives a yellow bug and lives just around the corner from me. Her & her S8 stopped by while they were walking their dog and we chatted for about an hour. We're making plans to walk the dogs in the evening together.
D15 has been asking for me to teach her how to 'cook' the past few days. She knows the basics... boiling water and frying.
But she need some other dishes.. she's really tired of her Dad's cooking during the school year.. so I'm helping her try new things and showing how I do certain dishes of mine that she wants to try & make herself.
So far the time with her this summer has gone very well.. she is still here for another 5 weeks.. time has certainly flown by.
Cheers!
Bridge
Hi Bridge, sounds like things are going OK for you right now. Hope it continues to go that way. Sounds like you're fixing up the house to your liking. Does your daughter like the new environment that you're living in? Have you made your decision yet, whether or not to go to Black Rock Desert from Aug. 30th to Sept. 6th?
Hi Antlers,
D15 really likes the neighborhood.. it's close to so many things. walking distance within anywhere from a 1/2 to 3 blocks to starbucks, grocery store, fruit & veggie market, post-office, drug store, library.
Her & I have been "fringing" this past week-end. Attending short plays, comedies, improv events at the local festival that runs through this upcoming week-end.
Both of my kids are drama/speech kinds of kinds so she is eating that up. she is also taking guitar & voice lessons this summer & will be in the Theater for Young People's musical theater camp for teens.
Many more opportunities than she could get back at her Dad's for the summer. She is also helping a friend out at a lemonade stand (yes a real one.. they make fresh squeezed) at a local farmer's market a couple days a week, so she's getting some job experience in as well.
The house is slowly coming together.. electrical has been upgraded, some plumbing changes (minor) are next. Painting will be last and then that will be it for this year.
Next years renos are still to be determined. But I know I'm a new home owner when I'm at home depot more than I'm at the grocery store in a week.
2 weeks ago I was at Home Depot 3 times in one day!
Decided not to go to the radical self-expression experience this year... too much going on in my life right now to fully prepare.
next year though!
That gives me time to find just the right snow leopard print! MEEE--OOOWWW
Peace
Bridge
Love it! You sound so good.
And of course I like all the speech/drama stuff...
Decided not to go to the radical self-expression experience this year... too much going on in my life right now to fully prepare.
Chicken.
Just kidding!
Sounds like you guys are having a good summer. I'm glad you're getting to spend some QT with her. You sound good too.
Are you healing from all those years of walking on eggshells and being treated the way you were? I don't mean to bring up painful memories...I'm just interested in the learning/understanding/healing process for women who were on the receiving end of anger and resentment from their spouses.