I filed. And it feels good.
I'm off to work, will check in tonight.
So..............
Virtual Bar is open, and my Housewarming Party is Saturday night. All are welcome.
Thanks DB'ers, it's been an interesting journey.
Now, gotta change that sig line.
Kerry, could you hook up my threads like before, please?
Peace.
Hey, I was wondering when you'd be over here...hot chocolate please.
Take care of you.
Hey, Goldie, glad you have a thread here! Sounds like you're doing good. Look forward to more updates....
(((((Ms. Lox)))))
Something warm for a rainy day....
Irish Coffee, perhaps?
Oh hot chocolate sounds good. We are supposed to get some more snow.
kat
Two hot chocolates and an Irish coffee, coming right up.
I may even have a very small glass of wine, with my big fat steak and baked potato.
What an overwhelming sense of relief.
Got my tunes, a bubble bath, and I'm going to paint my toes tonight.
You never know when that'll come in handy.
Thanks Kerry...gotta love those tech guys...
Will you be attending housewarming?
Hi Goldey,
am I invited?
K
Stay strong!!!
Wow, Kerry he's da man!
Hey Hey Goldie.. how about some poridge? LOL
Welcome Home!
Tequila is always a good way to celebrate!
I think on my final day.... I will invite 19 of my closest friends to all have one shot a piece in remembrance to the years and then I will do one for the future. I don't know seems there should be some rite of passage ...but maybe I did that on my shower floor on my knees in days gone by!
I filed. And it feels good.
I'm off to work, will check in tonight.
So..............
Virtual Bar is open, and my Housewarming Party is Saturday night. All are welcome.
Thanks DB'ers, it's been an interesting journey.
Now, gotta change that sig line.
Kerry, could you hook up my threads like before, please?
Peace.
ok, alrighty then!!--looking forward to the housewarming!
Tunes blaring...
K, maybe you can carpool w/ Jeffy. Party's in 'Just For Fun', and in real life, it's in Portland OR.
sandycay...I like your style. Goldey's off the juice for a while, but for a special occasion, I'd make an exception.
HM, glad you stopped by. Can I get you something to eat?
Hus will be served today. For obvious reasons, he will not be invited to my housewarming party. It's a potluck, and you need to bring your own chair. And ice.
On second thought, perhaps I'll just invite a few cops and see what happens...just kidding!
Hi Goldey!
This is really funny. You made my day! LoL
I dont know my schedule yet for Saturday - I do have a date, but we have not decided on a time - waiting on the weather so as to see if we can hike.
If STBXH shows, it is important to know the difference between a fire extinguisher and pepper spray...
http://www.katu.com/news/local/82970607.html
Tunes blaring...
K, maybe you can carpool w/ Jeffy. Party's in 'Just For Fun', and in real life, it's in Portland OR.
sandycay...I like your style. Goldey's off the juice for a while, but for a special occasion, I'd make an exception.
HM, glad you stopped by. Can I get you something to eat?
Hus will be served today. For obvious reasons, he will not be invited to my housewarming party. It's a potluck, and you need to bring your own chair. And ice.
On second thought, perhaps I'll just invite a few cops and see what happens...just kidding!
oh, my...you're serving your husband as party refreshments? you are hard-core, girl! may I ask--grilled, sauteed, or skewered? I'll take mine with a side of pasta, please.
Kerry, OMG, you are too funny.
HM, what do you think the ice is for?
Journaling:
I took today as a mental health day. Back to work FT on Monday. Driving is a challenge, especially at night.
Hi Goldey.
The last mental health day I took, last December 21st, I went and bought myself a new truck! THAT was my therapy!
I hope you do something for yourself today too!
ps - maybe not as 'big' as I did though!
Several young, burly men will go with me to the house today, and help me get a few things. One of them might be reading, so I'll not say any more for now.
The place is wonderful, but empty. No kids. Awesome neighbors. Home.
Operation Goldey Freedom begins in about 2 hours.
Lights. Camera. Action. Updates in the alt tonight. Peace.
good luck & Godspeed
May He raise you up on eagle's wings
Peace
Bridge
We were in and out in about 15 minutes. No cops, a little drama, 1 red couch and one kitty rescued. Two trucks, three knights. One Goldey with a cane. One very sad D13.
Guess what Hus, ball's in your court. I'm hopping in the shower and to have a bite to eat.
I do my best work in the daylight.
You sound well Goldey, and on your own path now! Keep up the positive attitude, and good luck. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
It was nice to meet your STBXH.
I believe that with time, your fear of him will subside and the 2 of you can coparent peacefully.
Just keep thinking - business deal. And you have a great thing going with the common family friend who can act as an intermediary. Do all you can to keep them neutral and it should help the transition.
You are spot on, Kerry. That particular family has always been close. And although it's hard on them to watch our M dissolve, their hearts have always been in the right place.
They don't know about the extent of the abuse, and I have no desire to trash my STBXH in front of our friends and children. Perhaps the dog. He's pretty capable of handling sh!t like this. He's a Lab. They can put up with just about anything.
I will heal. S16 will heal. Kitty is going into foster care tonight. And I'll sit on my red couch, and celebrate. Try and finish setting up my home office (wireless is giving me fits!) Surf the web and throw a little party. It's a small guest list. Visit S16 tomorrow. Call IC Monday morning.
I have a plan. Hope it looks a little like what God has in mind.
Someday, it won't hurt as much as it did today. Seeing D13 upset nearly broke me. She is a fabulous young woman, and I am proud to be her Mom.
Thanks for the assist. Once again, a knight on a white horse.
Hope you had a nice coffee w/ the date that wasn't really a date date.
Journal:
Still hard to sleep through the night. MD is on board and there is a comprehensive plan. I'm on a waiting list for a specialist (team) that I think can help me.
Eat. Breathe. Hydrate. Exercise. Pray. Sleep. Work. Play.
Parenting: I feel like I've failed. I have three great kids, and none of them are here. The hardest time is when I go to Church (the new one) and I see the families with babies and little kids. That used to be me. I miss those times, when the boys were little. And the abuse was just directed at me. Things got a lot worse after D13 was born.
When I see these young families, I long for those simpler times. Now, things are just a complete mess between me and my kids. But it will get better, someday.
Visiting S16 @ hospital today.
I had forgotten how much I missed golfing until I read your post on Jeff's thread, Kerry. I was getting ready to sell my clubs, and slink away. Now, I think I'll take a few lessons when the weather warms up and the MD releases me.
As a friend pointed out yesterday, instead of choosing my driver, I should consider an iron. I'll tee it up on one of my pretty little pink tee's.
Yes, we'll have no problem co-parenting. As long as everyone plays nice, there should be no problem.
Has anyone heard from Cookie lately? If you're lurking, sweetie, I'd love to hear from you...
p.s. And I'm keeping my cat a while longer. I tried to pack her up last night, and I just couldn't do it.
***************************************************************
God, please take care of our needs today...it's really overwhelming right now. Please bless all the faithful DB'ers in a special way. ***************************************************************
Hey Goldey,
Just sending a hug your way..
((((((((Goldey)))))))))))
Parenting: I feel like I've failed.
Not true. The situation may have not worked out, but you are not a failure as a parent, you can see that in your very next words.
Focus on that quote. You are also a great parent, or you wouldn't have those three great kids...
Remember, that your current situation is temporary, and you can and will change it to what YOU want, for YOU, not what someone else wants.
I am sending prayers and thoughts your way.
(((((Goldey)))))
I don't think I could give my cat up. And I think she'd be really mad!
Praying for you girlie! Remember what happens to the big bad wolf.... Goldie wins in the end!
Thanks, Donna just helped me understand how silly that would be. Me and the old-woman/cat, Hazel, flame point siamese, with giant blue eyes, are gonna hang out a bit longer. She doesn't have a lot left in her. Might as well enjoy what time there is.
Oh dear, I've turned into a crazy cat lady.
thx sandycay...but I'm pretty sure she got a little bruised in the brawl...
And you're right...I am a great Mom. Always have been, always will be.
All in all, a pretty decent day. Although I overdid it yesterday, and won't be doing that again.
Visit w/ S16 went well. Not great, but good enough.
I'm headed to bed. G'night.
Well Jeff, if you shot a 41, then I am starting to feel very confident. You have mail.
Did not as well as I'd hoped last night.
Goals for Goldey: February
5 hours: Eat, Breathe, Hydrate, Pray, Ask for help
5 days: Take care of my body, relax, keep fear and anger in check
5 weeks: Take care of my body and appear in court w/ L
5 months: Get De-Married, sell house, gain sole custody of S16, and possibly D13
5 years: To forgive my chicken sh!t STBX-Hus for the years of abuse and neglect. And help the next girl find her Superboots.
Thoughts?
Goals are good. Making plans helps ease uncertainty, if not eliminating it altogether. Take it day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute.
It's like being a small cog in a huge gear mechanism -- you focus on your own slow cycles, revolving tooth by tooth until you make 360 degrees. Then you do it again, and again. Pretty soon you can assess your overall situation and see that indeed the whole mechanism of your life has slowly advanced forward. If/when those times come when it all seems insurmountable and daunting, just stay focused on your one small cog and continue to ratchet one tooth at a time until you make another revolution -- and then do it again. Keep your scope to what you can handle at any given time.
Weird metaphor, I'll admit.
*HUGS*
While I understand the feeling like a failure because of the past, it's not productive or healthy for today. You did your best to make it work, you are still working and loving on yourself. You didn't control your STBXH. This quote is from Coach John Wooden:
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming."
Enjoy the journey.
Cheers
Thank you Coach, I see the thinking error. I will surely go insane if I try to keep S16 from seeing his dad.
What I can control is whether or not I have this man in MY life.
This is a funny little 'coaster we ride, huh?
Hi, thank you for welcoming me here!
I had checked out for several months on the newcomers area. I still don't know where to be really, but I guess this is the right place.
Unfortunately I have lost touch with many great mentors here. Puppy, 25yrmarc, but stuck808 checked in with me. If you could somehow let then know I am here and could use any and all support I would greatly appreciate it.
Now as for you my new friend. I am happy for you that you are here. Now that may sound messed up, ....... well I guess your right it does. But, I mean that in the best way possible, you know way better than I do what an incredible thing this site is.
I must admit, it is still odd for me to think about it though. I was born two weeks after Woodstock, I watched a black and white tv until I was about 10, and phones where in our homes or on a street corner for a dime. But now we meet and talk with people in a "community" online. I think your about my age so you know what I mean, It's still just weird, Laugh Out Loud..... again another weird statement.
ANYWAYS
I will make the time to read about you and your life.
I wish you peace, unconditional love and know you will have my compassion.
Good morning, especially to those who lurk...
Although I've been at this a while, I don't think there can be a simple Divorce. Not with kids, and history, and hurt. I can preach getting 'De-Married' all I want, and attempt to maintain distance by referring to it as 'dissolving a business' but who am I kidding? We were married. We had a family. A messed-up family, but a family none the less.
I would like to complete this task (the D) without becoming so bitter that I poison myself and those around me.
It doesn't have to be complicated. Today, I think I'm feeling a little nostalgic. I'm just gonna sit with that for a while.
Hi goldeylox.
I know exactly what you mean. It sucks. It just plain sucks. Period. We can do whatever we need to do to get through, think whatever we need to do to get through it, and say whatever we need to do to get through it...but the bottom line is...it sucks!
You're right though...it's not in our best interests to become so bitter that we poison ourselves and those around us.
I think it's about compassion, especially compassion for ourselves!
Hey Ms. Goldie..
Good job on getting through work yesterday! Excellent.
It all comes down to choices with the divorce. I listened to folks who talked so negatively about their divorces and was surprised to learn that it had happened years, decades ago. They still talked about their former spouses. I figured divorce stories are like labor stories. All you can do is talk about it initially and then you move on to what's in your life.
I made a conscious decision. I was a good person before the divorce and I was going to be a good person after the divorce.
I was going to avoid name calling, unnecessary gossip and be a positive role model for me.. and my kids.
I didn't want bitterness and anger to plague me, so I sent blessings to my former spouse whenever I felt angry or fearful. Doing so relieved my angst and let me move forward in a positive manner.
I was unhealthy in mind, body and spirit in my marriage. My spirit was crushed. I went to counseling. Went in with no ego, made a conscious decision to trust the phenomenal counselor. And the excellent psychiatrist. I did not fight having the medication increased. The goal: To be in a good place to make good decisions. Did the homework. I asked for help from friends, family, this online community. The worst anyone could say was no.
Being a good person was not enough. I needed structure for making decisions. These were my foundation.
Be in a good place to make good decisions.
If it's right, the answer is yes.
If it's wrong, don't do it.
If you can't decide or waffle, the answer is no.
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best
You have a lot on your plate.. your son, your job, your tendon, your divorce, your children, your husband. Take one piece at a time, one day at a time.
Go to the CODA meetings. Check in with a CODA person every day.. whether it's your sponsor or someone you admire. Keep reading The Language of Letting Go, Co Dependent No More.
Make a plan.. just a little list.
Just try your best everyday. Some days it's great, other days not so good.
It's a journey of growth, happiness and stability.
You're worth it.
*hugs*
You will have the good stuff in life which is intangible. Take care of you. Face your fears.
I liked your realization yesterday about your son and his father. You son will create his own relationship with his dad. You can only control yours and be there for your son.
If it's right, the answer is yes.
If it's wrong, don't do it.
If you can't decide or waffle, the answer is no.
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best
Sound wisdom. Thanks.
Thank you Gypsy. From the bottom of my heart.
You rock, sister.
Baby steps, literally.
Need MRI for hurt tendon. Unbelievable.
Off work again, another week until I have MRI and results read. Strong possibility that it's not tendonitis, but instead a torn Achilles tendon. Would explain all the pain.
At this point, I'm not real optimistic about my job. But, I won't fire myself today...instead, I'll ice it down, and wait for the MRI people to call. Surf the web. Play with Hazel, the old woman in the wonder-cat body.
I should really write a book. No one would believe what I've been through in the last three years.
Movie of the week? I think I'd like Gwenyth Paltrow to play Goldey. And the Big Bad Wolf? Hmmm....How about that huge guy from the James Bond movies (Goldfinger perhaps) that didn't talk much but scared the cr!p out of everyone?
I'm rambling...
S16 refused my phone call last night. Reports are that he had a bad day.
Speaking of James Bond, I can remember a lady named Rosa Klebb that had a super shoe...
http://www.freewebs.com/scaramangasgoldengun/vil5.JPG
You know...staying home all day with nothing to do has it's perks. No TV, no distractions. Lotsa time to think, read, sleep. Eat chocolate. Paint toes.
Car is in the shop, which is fine, since I can't drive anyway. The mechanic just called, gave me an update on the Honda, and offered to bring me something from Starbucks. I hope he is kidding.
How does Hazel like her new place?
So, how was the mechanic?
Ah, the ol' mechanic's, "Hey, can I bring you something from Starbucks?" line, eh?
heheheh
Kerry, Hazel is settling in. Not sure how long she's staying, but she's here for now, and we're enjoying lots of cuddling moments.
Donna, G-Man, the mechanic was intersting. Major/colonel flirting, nothing more. A great ego boost, I told him thanks but no thanks. Friendly fellow, though.
Kinda have a lot on my plate. Plus, Hazel is not fond of men. (Yes, that's right, I'm using the "My cat doesn't like you" excuse.)
So the sleep thing is improving, ever so slightly. Fewer nightmares, less drama.
I'm really mad at my foot...but not dwelling on it. My awesome Sis arrives from Seattle tomorrow night for the weekend; she is my God Breeze. Truly the best friend a girl could ever hope for. And she's mine.
We'll have an opportunity to take S16 for a short day trip, maybe to lunch on Sunday. (Yes, I'm giving up the Superbowl to go to a level 3 adolescent psych ward)
While it still upsets me that his Dad gets to have any contact at all, S16's relationship with STBXH is out of my control. Acceptance? Maybe a little.
Baby steps.
I'm having him served tomorrow. With garnish.
goldey,
I'm having him served tomorrow. With garnish.
Love it!
Maybe with relish, too?
I have a new nickname today, for my STBXH, Roast Beast.
Serve chilled, with horseradish, peppers, and tequilla.
Options for service by the county Sheriff, for a small gratuity.
(I'm feeling a little b!tchy today)
Feeling empowered goldey?
Tunes playing...empowered, you bet.
"Creep" from Goldey's Perfect Playlist. Next up: "SexCrime, 1984" Man, I love this CD.
Great for you!!!!
I need some of that to rub off on me.
Sorry, using the Superboots today, but can lend 'em to you next week. If you need some sooner, go look in the back of your closet, I'm sure you have a pair of your own.
I own a Fabbo Pair.... Red ones! Can loan out! I am glad your weekend is looking bright!
Thanks guys!
So Goldey put on her Superboot this morning, hopped in the Honda, blew Hazel a kiss, and headed off to the home of person formerly known as her husband.
Gave D13 a call, offered a ride to school, and claimed some prized photos and a few knickknacks while she was there.
Some anxious moments? Yes.
D13 called her Dad, who asked her a bunch of questions.
I just kept whistling, and packed.
Then I drove her to school.
Simple. Just business. Felt nice.
p.s. Still having pain in foot, but it is overshadowed by the joy of my victory. Waiting for MRI to call.
Seeking male validation, Goldey invites good friend to dinner next week. Just friends. Nice.
Goldey -
I know I've popped in before just to say this, but you are such a smile! LoL
Adam Lambert, huh? <<<<<sizzle>>>>> Too bad he's gay! Nice to look at, though, even THROUGH the manliner!
OMG, Adam Lambert is gay?
Well, that explains everything.
Oh, come on, Goldey! LoL
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20284065,00.html
Well, he was just so sweet to Ellen, I thought I stood a chance.
WHAT?!? ELLEN IS GAY TOO?
Goldey... me thinks your GayDar is broken!
Radar working fine, just Goldey's quirky sense of humor...
A little drama tonight, after a fantastic morning with D13, IC and later, good pals.
Putting the finishing touches on Operation Goldey Freedom, phase 2, Saturday at 3pm.
It will be epic, for sure. GO SAINTS GO
I know ... just a little teasing!
I know, just trying to keep things light, so I don't burst out sobbing...
Had a setback w/ S16 tonight, and it has me down...
Thanks Jeffy, our mutual friend passed along your hug.
Keep praying, Goldey is not doing great tonight.
Apparently even rockstars encounter flight delays.
I know, just trying to keep things light, so I don't burst out sobbing...
Had a setback w/ S16 tonight, and it has me down...
I know how you feel...and I'm sorry. It hurts. But as you've told me, despite what is said and done...we are still their parents, and they know it...and they need us to love them, and they need and want to love us.
I really don't know if I have enough in the tank to fight.
But I have to. Gypsy, your post moved me to tears this morning. Just when it seems so hopeless, so dark, so sh!tty, there you are, my God Breeze.
I have a plan. I'm having the Tool served today, then headed to see a movie w/ a friend. Sis arrives tonight. S16 is free to have the relationships he chooses. And right now, all three kids are choosing the Tool.
S16 will be discharged next Thursday. And he won't be living with Goldey.
And that makes me incredibly sad.
Good thing I started those AD meds last week.
Gypsy, thanks for the boost. I'll make the call we talked about, because it is the right thing to do.
Then, I'll take care of my court business, pay the rent, and see a flik with a bud. Balance my checkbook. Most can be done with very little driving or walking.
All the while, sending love to the foot.
Eat. Breathe. Drink water. Take meds. Move. Ask for help.
Keeping it simple today. BECOMING THE BETTER CHOICE.
Can someone remind me how to update my sig line to include filed January 2010.
Goldey - sorry to hear about S16 choosing to put himself back into a caustic living situation. You are correct to not try to coerce him otherwise.
Killing me, Kerry. Absolutely awful.
Where'd I put those boots? Gonna need 'em.
Can someone remind me how to update my sig line to include filed January 2010.
Click "My Stuff" and click "Edit Profile". At the bottom is the signature you can edit.
Hey Goldey, just wanted to pass along a hug.
((((((Goldey)))))))))
Wishing you strength and peace today, you deserve it. You are a strong woman, and doing well!
Thanks, I needed that.
Eat. Meds. Call MD. Move. Rent.
(Don't forget to breathe, Goldey...you're holding your breath.)
^bump
Thanks DB'ers. Sis arrived safely.
G'night. Goldey out.
^ lurking.
Pray.
Breathe. Eat. Coffee. Take Meds. Rent Truck. Move a bunch of stuff. Protect the foot. Pizza. Sleep.
Sounds like a plan.
Operation Goldey Freedom, phase 2, briefing at 1500.
De-brief in the alt.
Hey, Goldey, I love your lists. I use them too. You rock!!! I'm on the alt, too, if you see Karen (we prob. have mutual friends?) then add me! I haven't seen you listed yet....
We have all the same friends. The golfer in AZ can point you if need be. Others have my digits.
Hugs, Goldey-
Been lurking and thinking of you.
Bunny
Bunny, how nice to see you. I've noticed you in the alt, lurking, but been too busy to fly-by. Thanks for reaching out. Hope all is well in your sitch. And if it's not, send up a flare. I'm sure someone has an extra pair of SuperBoots handy.
I know there are a few more lurking: Thanks DB'ers. And to the United States Army.
The foot, unfortunately, is not doing very well, my friends. If you are an Orthopedic Surgeon, you will understand that Goldey's in some trouble right now. It's not tendonitis, like we thought.
Ice. Meds. Rest. Tests.
Phase 2 of Operation Goldey Freedom went well. My Sis and I had a disagreement over how things should work, and there was a bit of cussing.
Then it was all better.
Three white knights were able to rescue an apartment full of furniture. I got my hope chest. I got the kids' baby books. I got some heirloom furniture, built by my Grandfather after he retired in the '60's. Ultra-cool stuff.
Pizza and beer followed.
Journal:
Another action-packed day is on deck at the hospital Sunday...it's gonna be a Showdown this afternoon, for sure. Pre-game in Clackamas county begins around noon. Kick-off around 2:30pm. There will be plenty of referees, and the place will be packed with Goldey fans.
I'm letting the Roast Beast take S16 to a Superbowl Party at the [party place] today. I hope S16 returns (drunk as a skunk) and flunks his breathalyzer. Buys me another 30 days, as insurance runs out this Thursday.
As for me, I'm putting Sis (my Hero) on the train tonight, and headed home to watch the post-game highlights. Writing a couple of thank-you notes. Collecting on my Superbowl wager. GO SAINTS.
I'm now ignoring all calls from my STBX-Roast Beast. Papers are filed. He will be served Monday or Tuesday, while I'm dealing with my medical stuff. And I am dark. Lurking very closeby. Taking care of Goldey, so she can take care of others when the time comes. And it looks like that time will be in 4 days, unless something changes.
Mornin' goldey. Do what you gotta do. Take care of goldey.
All in all, not a bad day. My team won (GO SAINTS) and the hospital 'meeting' was downright comical. I'll update more when there is time.
Sis got home to her Hus and babies, and I'm kicking back, feeling quite grateful to all those who hope, lurk, pray, visit, call, poke, support, and wish.
Some of you fall into more than one category.
I'm not going to get all girl-y on you, DB'ers.
Thank you.
I would not be the woman I am today without all of you.
Today, I am happy to be just me.
Peace. Goldey
And a special thanks for all the hugs, gang.
I might act tough, but deep down, I'm just a girl who wanted to be a wife and mommy.
And God decided to create a Warrior Princess. With a 'tude.
The scene today at the hospital revolved around S16 (big surprise) and the messed up relationships we've been living with for many years. Specifically, S16 felt he had to choose who to spend Superbowl Sunday with...Me and Sis, or Dad and the [party place we used to go to every year]. He picked Dad, and regretted it. There was drama, to say the least.
And I wasn't afraid. The Roast Beast appeared to be a bit shook up, though.
Hi Goldey,
no gems of wisdom, just keping up with you. My thoughts not only go to you, but your children. Bummer for s16 to feel regret and to have to make such tough choices. He is lucky to have you.
Goldey! I remember you. Good to see you keeping strong.
Will be lurking mainly and seeing how you're doing.
best,
GH31
Feeling like I need to close this one out. Thanks for the home version...new thread under construction.
Kinda sleepy, I was up a lot last night. S16 had a VERY BAD NIGHT and I don't think either one of us got as much sleep as we needed.
Goldey's going to go count a few more pennies, and hitchhike to the MRI. You gotta love her, she's got some fire left! Or is that smoke?
Hmmm.... Dust? Who cares.....
Peace. Goldey out. Mods, please lock.