Big Day, Divorce Papers Signed
Rape Trauma Anyone?
Standing on the Edge
Well, I was trying to put all my previous threads together for anyone with a lot of time on their hands for reading my recent history, but timed out on editing.

I'm going to start fresh on the next frame.
Just a few days before we signed the D papers, W told me that the time of seperation helped her clairfy how she felt.

And she felt like she did not like herself when she was with me. (is that my fault?)

It has been a long and painful year of seperation so in some way I am glad its finally over. Had she chose reconcilliation without some sort of epiphany on her part, it would have been an exercise in futility, much like it was as I tried to 'carry' our marriage w/o any effort on her part. (She expected me to do it all, from childcare and house chores to initiating romance).

So I am glad not not have to deal with that anymore because it wasn't fair and it was doomed to failure.

I have angst because of the upheaval this has caused to my daughter, about to turn 7. We have joint custody and by choosing this route, my ex has made life and parenting so much harder for us all. Or at least me, bc she still doesn't seem fully invested as a parent or concerned about the longterm impact on our D.

And lastly I have anger because I hate her for what she has done to me, after all I have tried to do to 'fix' this, to be good to her, to grow in the last year and she basically has spat on it.
She has not shown the slightest personal growth or insight into her own behavior, and the conversation about how she contributed really hasn't happened. She chalks it all up to us not being compatible. Of course, I have a different view.
She is also dating someone seriously, and that makes me angry as well.

So it looks like I have landed here, whether I like it or not.

Out of all this pain, however, I can honestly say I can see great new possibilities. I have a great deal more information about relationships and have used the time to grow. I have greater peace in general dealing with difficult people and healing has gone on in other relationships (ie parents) that otherwise may not have happened.

I am looking forward to putting my life back together with the help of wise DB'rs here. As I post, feel free to comment. I will be reading your threads and getting to know you as well.

Let's take everything we have learned and create the lives and relationships that we all know are possible.
Let's take everything we have learned and create the lives and relationships that we all know are possible.

Amen! part of bringing redemption out of all of the pain. It's kinda all for nothing if we don't do the work to learn from it. And the work is painful--but not nearly as painful as continuing to repeat a pattern that dooms us to further angst.
In many ways, I feel like a better man....not for what she has done to me, but what I have done for myself. The things I have learned, especially read, and incorporated into my life. I have a library of relationship books and tapes now.

I figure if I take one or two good ideas from each tape or book, then its worth it.

In general, it is making me a better father. I don't react emotionally with my D7 as much....I am much calmer, stay in control more. (Hey, I'm Irish/Italian....I have a right to be emotional, don't I?)

I also have a more patient interaction with my parents as well, ( in general) tho my mom can still push some buttons. But the positive vibes are beginning to match the negative ones, perhaps edging them out. (longstanding issues w/parents...both other brothers wives have serious issues with my mom...she is who she is tho...not an easy person to get along with by any means)
I feel the very same way. My relationship with my STBXH is quite over, but I know that in my future there will be someone and I am a much better person for having gone through what I have. I know more about what loving someone really is and I know more about communication and how very important it is simply because I don't want to keep repeating my past. It's a work in progress and definitely something that will take time, but I and my present and future relationships with all the people in my life are so worth it! I wish you peace!
Well, I certainly won't call myself wise, but will gladly lend a hand when needed.

And of course, my condolations on your being here.
Hey native, I see you started a new thread, didn't tell me - so you must be tryin to ditch me!!! smile

Good to see you are finding some positives from all of this. Keep your PMA up!

Have no fear, I think you are great and have given me a lot of great feedback. I don't visit as often as I used to, but need to start coming back again to deal with the new emotions that the present situation brings.

My computer crashed....hard drive fried I think, so my dad lent me a laptop...just got it online tonight.

The goal now is to deal with the fact my ex has a boyfriend, and she thinks its serious. She's been seeing him for over a month now.

Do I care? I shouldn't, but it really bothers me.

She went to a lakehouse with her aunt and brought her new man this weekend. Was supposed to take our d, but was told kids werent welcome. So I had D this weekend and all last week.
I felt like I had to make up for W. dropping the ball on the lakehouse weekend so I took D to the fair, which we both have a great time at.

When W came to pick up D, I generally ignored her. I don't know exactly how I should be. I hate that she just spent the weekend with new guy.

As for me being open to reconcilliation......I don't know anymore. I feel too betrayed.

How to really move on?
Hey native, Good to hear from you again. Keep being there for your D, it sounds like she will need you a lot.
hey native, our stories are slightly similar (one carrying the M and doing it all, S couldnt' care less, exS with a significant other not caring how it affects kid/s)

Anyways, to answer your question, how to move on...right now things are still pretty fresh, the D just went through and there is , understandably, anger and frustration on your part, it's a feeling I had to fight with a lot as I drove myself mad trying to rehash the past in my head and trying to have it all make sense. It's an excersize in futility, I suggest you push the forward button in your brain and avoid such torture.

When those thought come,and come they will, quickly remind yourself that those were painful times, but that you are in a new path and will/deserve a new happy life.

How to treat her? well, the best advice I got was from a parenting book called "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce by Elizabeth Thayer " It was a lifesaver during the times I seethed in anger as we decided when he'd have my kids overnight, how to deal with him, etc etc. The thing I remember the most was about thinking about the coparenting with your ex as a business transaction. The business being your daughter, you want her to thrive and do great, so you compromise accordingly, you treat the other person courteoulsly and business-like keeping feelings at bay.

It seemes hard now but trust me, it works. Mainly, work on forgiveness, as long as your hurt keeps bringing up what was or how she hurt you/family you will be unable to heal, or heal properly without deep wounds. My prayers your way, I know you will do just fine, you sound like you've learned lots from what has happened, something we can't say about our exSs who have jumped into a new R thinking "this time" it will really be all roses/perfect.
I guess I am just now really dealing with the reality of divorce and what it means for me, my daughter. Having a hard time imagining what kind of life she is going to have, how it will affect her understanding of relationships. I could start over so much easier if it werent for my concerns for her, the fact that I can't move, even travel for extended periods because of her. I would never abandon her but it limits the possibilities of starting over. What about the difficulties of blending a family? Should I date, just have friends, just be a parent, marry, marry a divorcee, someone with children, someone without.....At this point I admit I am lost as to the best direction. I am lost here. Where to go to get clarification and guidance in this situation? Too many questions, too many complications.

Just saw your post after I posted above. Thanks for your input. It is encouraging, especially to hear from someone who has the same struggles and dealt with the same sitch.

Perhaps what resonated most with me is the thought that she has moved on, but not really learned from this. I think if she had, she would be talking reconcilliation, because she was at least half the problem here.

It may be petty, but there is a large part of me that wants to see her regret her decisions, that wants to see her fail and in the end, apologise as she realizes the hell she has put me as a husband and parent through. Not to mention what she is doing to our D.

She comes from a family of multiple divorces though, and I don't know if many of them learned anything from what they went through.

Thanks for the book reference though. I will need to switch my focus from relationship books to post-relationship books to get through this, and feel the need of some sort of local divorce care group or personal counselling. I don't think I am depressed, but I don't feel happy.

You mention that our situations are similar. I would like to read yours, but mostly find where you are posting to others threads. Can you show me where I can read your story?
Ex wife was sick all last week, and her new bf who lives about 30 min away apparantly did not visit much bc she did not want him or he did not want to get sick and miss work, as she explained to me.

I was not sure what to do. Whether to let her suffer through it alone, or to visit and do what I could to help.

I chose the latter, and found her appreciative of my efforts, but later in the week, after she got better she spent Saturday with new bf.

Now I am angry. I guess I thought I might get some brownie points for being available to her while she was sick...but it wasnt enough to matter.

Having a hard time knowing how to play this. I am not ready to really move on, keep hoping that she will have an epiphiny, but it doesnt ever happen.

Even though I know a lot of her decision to leave the marriage is due to her own issues, I still wonder if it is a valid indictment on me as a husband. It is hard to properly sift this whole thing out. I want to gain wisdom from it, but I go back and forth between feeling like maybe she was right and I was the problem, to the feeling that she was immature and uncommitted.

Im sure the truth lies inbetween, but the pendulum swang in her favor after a family birthday party tonight.

My brother was a serious a**hole, and I'm pretty sure he has no clue he was.

When he and his family arrived at the restaurant, I convivially insisted he come and sit at the center of the table as he was the birthday boy. Of course I meant his wife too. (I got stuck at the end of the table at my last birthday,and was unable to visit with anyone except the person to my immediate left...was not too happy about it)

He was a bit perturbed and said he was going to sit next to his wife. They did move to the center of the table eventually, but not after he made it known that he did not appreciate my attempt to secure for him that honored spot.

Later he mentioned he liked my new shirt. I said that I had just gotten it the other day, in anticipation of dating. I followed that up with the explaination that ex wife has a bf, sort of as a justification of why I felt free to date now.

I felt compelled to justify it bc in previous conversations, he felt that I had no business dating anyone, that it was too soon after the divorce, even tho ex w. had been dating this guy for a month prior to our divorce at the time of that conv.

So he just shut the conversation down. Said he did not want to hear about it.

At which point I am seriously put out. I tried to give him the seat of honor and he rebuffs me. I want to share a bit about my life, and he shuts me down.

Besides being offended, I wonder.........was I ever this idiotic to my wife? If so, I would soooo understand why she gave up.

And what is so confusing to me is that my brother, who is obviously to me so dense, has apparantly a wonderful marriage, makes a lot of $$$, has a nice house and two kids....is not a mean spirited person, just an ignorant ass at times,.....how does he succeed in marriage and buisness if he acts like that to his wife or others?

My only conclusion is that his wife is a saint, or he doesnt treat her like he did/does me.

Anyway, I have a fairly disfunctional family. I feel like I survived it and outgrew it, but who really knows?

How much of the insensitivity that is the hallmark of my family is still part of me? And am I as unaware of the hurtfullness of my remarks (as respecting my ex wife) as my brother is unaware of the hurtfullness of his to me?
Hey native, Good to hear from you again!

Sorry to hear your brother was such an a**hole. Maybe it was just because it was his b'day & he didn't want to get into a heavy convo. Or maybe he just doesn't really understand & is an emotional bully. I have a GF like that & after getting slammed verbally by her, I never talked about my M or R after that to her.

I, as well, am trying to find which is the right path towards my x. I still love my xh, yet I see little change that he has learned anything from all this. So, would I want him back as is - nope. Have I moved on yet - nope - still trying to figure that one out & have ordered some after divorce books. Live & learn & do what makes you happy. Kinda sounds like you should not have gone out of your way for her when she was sick. Unless, you can keep the "no expectations" in the right frame of mind. Don't start blaming this all on yourself, it's not all your fault & you know that. After all of this, I think when you don't come from a Leave it to Beaver family, M is a hundred times harder & when both do - it's a million times harder. Inside, I do admit, I hold a grudge for my x, that did not really try. Really trying means M counseling & sorting through the problems areas & really working on yourself. (Not just going through the motions). Some people just cannot face that guilt, fear & unhappiness within.

Hope you have a nice Sunday! smile

Yes, overall, it has been a beautiful Sunday...weatherwise certainly.

Emma and I went to a new church this morning, a kind of mega-church, because it has a divorce-care ministry and there are going to be a lot more single Christian women, which from just a few hours there proved to be true. I felt a lot better knowing I might meet someone there eventually as I got more involved. Even had one semi-flirtatious encounter, not overt, but I got a little play, which is encouraging for me, at 48, even though I look like I could be in my mid thiries.

Just can't get to the place where I dont detest ex-w tho. She spent the night with her new bf, because on the way to church I saw her car was not at home. So what I want to know is, is it ok if I call her a who**ing, betraying b***h? Sorry, but that felt like it needed to be said. Maybe now I can move past my anger.

In many ways I feel relieved to be 'done' with her, as much as I am. She can be someone elses problem, which no doubt will happen as they move from the honeymoon stage to the after honeymoon stage.

I struggle with the desire to see her get hurt in her new relationship...I know its wrong, but........however, I don't plan to do anything to make that happen.

The only thing I expect I will do is not be so quick to take our daughter at her convenience. She and the new bf need to learn how a 7 yo affects the whole romance thing. Right now they are in fantasy land, and tho I want to protect my d, I don't want to accomodate their fantasy.

You are right about only helping if the expectations can be kept in check. I don't know if I can do it. I thought she would really have a revelation about who is going to be there for her and who isnt. Well, next time I can tell you who isnt.....

Now off to enjoy what is left of a very beautiful day indeed.

Thanks for sharing Msm...

Wondering if I should tally up the amount of $$$ she owes me for skipping out on our mutual obligations, as well as the $$$ for time and material I have put into the house to help it sell?

She certainly owes the first amount, as I made all the payments for almost a year without her, tho her name was on the deed and the credit cards. We had been both paying before.

Funny, one of the things she complained about was not having enough $$$. Now she is broke by the 15th, and has no working stove or laundry. No $$ for a needed car repair. Hates her job still, but her evil boss was not enough for her to choose our marriage over her job.

She constantly elicits sympathy, but creates her own misery.
I am so put out by her.....so angry. I am a good man and I loved her as best I could under the circumstances, ie her depression and lack of reciprocation/initiation in romance.

I hate her right now. She bailed on our family, like she bailed on sports that became too hard in high school ( her mother allowed her to bail).

I didnt think she was a quitter when I married her. She seemed to be rejecting so much of the way she was brought up.

She disgusts me.
I know how hard it is, but you need to let that anger and resentment go. I learned that the very hard way.

I found the easiest way is to view my X clearly as the person she is now, and not the person she was. And the person she is now, I want no part of, and from there things got better.

Prior, that anger would just pent up and then explode when X would do something, as most cheating X's do to get a rise out of you. It seemed like a rechargeable battery for my XW to refuse to face the facts of how many lives are now royally screwed up.

Adding up financials? Why bother, other than to just torture yourself some more, which we inevitably do to ourselves.

So hang in there, lookk at her for who she is now and ask yourself if she's really someone to be concerned over and is worth the wasted energy in all this anger.

I guess that is the key....I am angry at the person I thought she was, someone I credited with more integrity than she has shown...I am angry with someone who may have never even existed.

Her anger at me dissapaited when she started this serious relationship. I imagine if I found someone else that I was really in love with, mine would fade as well, to a degree.

I feel that I am the only one who sees what harm this is/will do to our sweet daughter though. Ex has justified her actions saying that the only other choice was for her to be unhappy, and that would not be good for our daughter. Like ex doesnt have a choice or any responsiblity for the way she feels.

I have been the 'nice' guy throughout...but she never chose to engage with me on a level of integrity and responsiblity for her part. Now I am pissed.

I know I have to 'move on' etc. But me being nice to her has screwed me financially. I am very discouraged right now.

Not to mention, no matter how you slice it, it makes the LBS wonder about their desirabilty and the chances for a new relationship.

I mean really, I am 48, with a child, just divorced, in a job that is seriously unstable (because of the economy) that I have wanted to change anyway, who has thousands in credit card debt and has to sell the house in a down mkt in order to begin to climb out of the finacial pit dug by two people, one of which has escaped her obligations apparantly.

And she is starting over with a new guy who is going to compete for my daughter's affection, whether he means to or not.

At least he isn't a crack head....
If I had some work come in, everything would seem a lot brighter. Waiting on a multi-thousand $$$ bid to be accepted.....or rejected. Prayers appreciated.
I feel a little better today....I know it sounds crazy but I found a dating site that is really promising..no more need be said......
Have to say, I agree w/dday & his advise. Good luck with your bid!
'I found the easiest way is to view my X clearly as the person she is now, and not the person she was. And the person she is now, I want no part of, and from there things got better.'

You know, sometimes I do feel this way, but then.....

The other day, we were in court finalizing our divorce. I did not feel the anger I felt when we signed papers a month and one half before. Just sat together until it was our turn. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this, she said yes.

It was so odd. When we were before the Judge, who asked me if I had anything I wanted to say, almost as if they would be my last words before dying. What would I have said? I have said it all, here, with others, and to my ex. I couldn't think of a pertinent thing to say at the moment.

I left the courtroom first to get some water, and waited for ex to come out, walked her to her car. It was raining outside..

We were halfway to her car and I asked her how she and Brian were doing...glutton for punishment, right?

She said she did'nt know. So I asked if it was him who was ambivalent, or her. She said 'Both'.

So I am wondering, is the Alien coming back from Outer Space?

I really think there have been large parts of mid-life crisis mixed in with this and there will be a re-entry to reality.

It is so weird too...at times she is the helpless forlorn pup, at other times she relishes 'taking care of herself' without my help, which she never did while we were together. As my friends might recall, I had to do almost everthing domestic when we were together...for 7 yrs. bc she was too tired.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. Just trying to figure out whats happening. She's been real friendly lately, and is making an effort to keep her tone pleasant, which has been a struggle since seperation.

So she was a b***h during seperation, changed for the better when she started dating Brian (almost like her medication was working...prob. just the results of sex...though she has not acknowledged a physical relationship yet, I haven't asked), and now that she isn't sure about Brian, she is actually friendly to me and talking to me about my career path (long story).

I asked her directly why she was concerned about my career path, and she said was taken off guard. Said it was 'complicated...that we have a child together and we will be interacting for the next 12 yrs...'

So I don't know what is going on. But I didnt really care for her thoughts or opinions re: my career, but could see she cared on some level...

Anyway, honestly, I was lonely tonight. I haven't really cultivated a whole lot of friends here, but have connected with a lot of old friends on facebook, where I have spent a lot of time lately....

But I think I need to get out and be a part of a group of virtual friends too. And that is hard. Even looking at Meet-Up, I have mixed feelings about jumping back into the singles scene,and being 'available'. I am self-consious about being 48, tho I don't look it. And I don't want to be hit on by older single women who are desperate, and don't want to come across like that to younger women. I think I just need to be with people for the sake of being with them, and whatever happens happens.

Now, to take that first step and get out there...thats the hard part.

Cause I really just want to be with my Wife and kid.....
Hey native, Good to see your post & that you have found some inner peace with all of this.

Who knows what is going thru your W or is it XW head. My xh has done some strange things lately as well, maybe, still trying to find the correct path in life & happiness.

I agree getting out & meeting new people can be a challenge.
I agree getting out & meeting new people can be a challenge.

It was difficult when I was in my early, mid thirties. It's much easier if you have a job that has a lot of social contacts, or are still in college.

I think I am going to try an after-work professional mixer, at least once. I just hate going anywhere and not knowing anyone...but if I make more friends, perhaps that wouldn't be a issue. Also, need to go to Divorce-care at the church D and I are attending. Just gotta make time.
I totally understand how you feel. my d has been over a while and the good news is that I am now remarried (with new baby!). I too, have a 7 year old with ex h and he has turned out to be a horrible father. he had an affair (pre-bomb/led to bomb) and guess what? after the thing was exposed and he moved out and they could "freely" be a couple, the thing lasted all of 2 months!

and that year-long sep. was vvery hard on me and my daughter. i never thought I would meet anyone. I thought I would bhe alone even though I am attractive, smart, etc. I thought, who would want me with a kid and all that jazz? well, I met my current h and guess what? he adores me AND my daughter. my point is, don't worry how things will play out, they just WILL. I could have never have predicted things EVER getting better when I sat in our (ex and my) house ALONE night after night. I thought my life was "over".

I am so much happier now. ex h truly wasn't the person for me and I knew this LONG before heleft, but I couldn't admit it to myself. my family saw it, so did friends. I was depressed for a long time. he was never there for me emmotionally in any way. I was truly alone in that marriage.

but I DO get the jealousy part.. he is now living with someone 15 years younger (I don'tknow why this bothers me) aned I felt a bit of jealously when I found out they were taking my daughter to a familyfunction of his (big Italian family that I was very close to) andit kind of hit me. but my therapist told methat is a naturalfeeling even though I am happily remarried. you don't just "turn love off", so to speak. I am not "inlove" with ex anymore, but it's stuff likethe memories with his family and such that sometmes get me. BUT, it gets easier over time and you WILL find life with someone -- just build a great life for you and your child and you will be amazed at where you will be months or a year from now. it happened to me.
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