Well, it's been 7 months since STBX filed, and it's still not over. I have asked my attorney to speed the process along, but apparently it has to go in stages. After the mediation broke down, we need to go before two "grand masters" (Conjures up Harry Potter imagery!)which are two attorneys who have a ton of experience in family law. They tell us how a judge would most likely rule, and then we decide if we want to settle or continue. Lawyers in business to keep other lawyers in business. Great work if you can get it! She will not settle for anything less than 50% of my take home pay because she's that stubborn, so it looks like it will go "Scorched earth!" I got an email from her yesterday looking for $600 in SAT Prep Course tuition for D17. She never even asked if I would go in half with her, she merely enrolled D17 and just presented me with the bill. I give her almost $900 a week. I politely told her to "pound sand". She is relentless.
I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE This!
and
of course she is willing to give you half of her salary as well!!!
(((FLTC)))
ish!! what a nut! hope the grand masters see this, yikes
Hey FL..
Ex and I went before the Masters since we could not settle ahead of time. Both your lawyers will go in and present their proposed settlements and financial affidavits to the two Masters. The Masters will review the papers and come up with what they feel is a fair distribution. If both parties do not agree with the Masters' findings, the lawyers can propose a few add ons to 'sweeten' the deal. Ex rejected my lawyer's suggestions and threatened to go to trial. I accepted the Master's proposal to avert bankrupting my family.
My lawyer told me the most I could expect in alimony and unallocated child support was 42% of his gross salary and a 50/50 split of marital assets. My ex has a high paying job and I'd been a stay-at-home mom for 20 years. I was given 40% of unallocated child support and alimony until my 14 year old is 21, then there will be a 'second look'. Our two sons who are in college became responsible for their own education because ex refused to fund any part of it. Because of the length of our marriage (over 20 years) I'm eligible for lifetime alimony, as long as the judge agrees.
In the end he got his pension and I got the house, with a 50/50 split of marital assets. Because of how costly his legal fees were (which I had to pay half of) all our bonds and securities had to be sold to pay the his debt, along with a loan for $50K.
Their reasoning was that a judge wouldn't rule to make him solely pay for the more expensive counsel because everyone has a right to choose their own legal advice. It sounds like hooey to me now. Try and find out what your projected costs are, along with hers. It might be worth doing that.. though with Smarmy's help she's probably getting discounted rates.
Going to trial is a crap shoot. Ask your lawyer for what the percentages are for a situation like this. Getting 50% of a spouse's income is unheard of when the other is a nonworking parent, much less a partner with a job. Most women are told that if they can work part-time, they can work full-time.
Your spouse sent you the SAT bill on the advice of her lawyer. Do not pay it. Show it to your lawyer. Your spouse is trying to show precedent that you willingly pay all these expenses, that doing so is NORMAL. Ask your lawyer to advise you on what is appropriate in this situation. Ex stopped paying for anything for the kids.. period.. saying he didn't want to set a financial precedent (which in turn would be seen as an on-going obligation).
After the divorce you can choose to give your kids whatever you want.. but it will be dictated by you, not the court. Oh yes.. and ask your lawyer what the perception would be if you asked for alimony from your spouse. Ex did not ask for that, but he could have from me in case the tables ever turned.
*hugs*
Beautiful advice!
Yeah, if she's not willing to speed things up, it'll take a while.
We don't have the grand masters thing in Cali as far as I know, but it makes sense to me. One more chance to settle before going to trial and racking up a ton more fees. I hope she will accept their verdict (and hopefully it's reasonable to you).
Definitely don't pay any more money to her for extras. Tell your lawyer. And tell her that you are already giving her money for the kids, so she should use that to pay for stuff!
Thanks, Ladies......SUPER helpful stuff!!! Thanks, Gyps. I'll be back to ask you more advice...GRAND MASTERS! ( What a funny term!!LMAO)Like a circus act!!! Hey...wait a minute....... Maybe they can saw her in half or make her disappear!!!!!!
Haha. Only in your dreams.
Cuz it'd only be temporary and she'd end up back on stage to take her bow.
Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So glad that I didn't have to go there...hang in, F.
FL..
It's called "Special Masters". These two lawyers volunteer their time in hopes of creating an uncontested divorce, which helps the family financially and emotionally. Treat it with respect. Remember, at this point it is purely a business transaction. The outcome should be even weighted. They say that a divorce is successful if both individuals feel less than satisfied. If you think this is bad, a trial is exponentially worse. Make sure you know what is motivating you and what the outcome you're looking for is.
Sometimes both parties will pay an additional fee to select a single Master who is well respected. It's a crap shoot about who will the Special Masters the day of your appointment. When the Special Masters make their recommendation, tell them you need a few minutes to consider it. Go out to the hallway and speak to someone trusted with a solid (not emotional) basis of seeing the whole picture. That's who you need in your court.. someone who sees what is best for you, best for the kids.
Only by looking at the long view, the pros and cons will you know if what's right for you.
*hugs*
gypsy,
Youve been reading my posts long enough to know that dark humor is just a coping mechanism for me. I am emotionslly drained at this point. I want it to be done, It's taking a toll on my relationship with Gym Woman, who just last night said "I don't think you really want to get divorced" because it seems to be taking forever. This, along with D17, not wanting me to speak or spend time with Gym Woman on her days with me, is grinding. This whole processs blo*s!
This shouldn't be taking a toll on Gym woman... she knew you were married when she entered in a relationship with you. What choice do you have at speeding up the process... NONE.
As far as D17... I think you should respect her wishes until you are divorced. That's just my opinion but if you don't have her that much it shouldn't be a problem.
Look from a daughter of a Divorced parent... I valued and cherished the time with my dad. Plus you have been gone for a while to Iraq and before that dealing with a failing marriage. She needs you and you really don't have a lot of this type of time left with her as she will be moving on in her life soon. Take this time and give it to her...no complications and frankly if Gym woman doens't get that.. she's not worth a grain of salt.
It's not a contest... at this point your daughter should win. Maybe I feel this because been there and done that but my dad cherished his time with me and didn't need to involve me in his dating life.
He kept that seperate until he knew he was going to marry this woman.
PS Your wife sure takes the cake and it's no wonder your tired of the BS.
Well, that's blip number two for Gym Woman! Sandy is right, Gym Woman took up with a man who was still married and in the midst of an ugly divorce. What the heck did she expect? I think the honeymoon is over and she's thinking "I got him" so now the underlying uglies are starting to surface. She's becoming demanding and somewhat insensitive. It's one thing to say "this is taking a toll on me" and another to say "you don't want to be divorced". The latter is a hurtful, blaming remark.
I also think your D may be playing a control game here. It's one thing to expect Dad to make you the centre of his attention when she's there, that's fair. It is not fair to demand no contact with Gym Woman. You have the right to make phone calls but should also make them brief and respect D's wishes to some degree. It's a new world, she has to adjust too.
Hang in there!
FL,
I think you want to be divorced. At least that is what I get from your posts.
My boys were 12 years old when their dad took up with his former OW. The D impacted them and it continues to this day. Thank goodness I have a daughter who tells me things! I know that WA's have no idea how their actions impact their kids (nor do they care), but thank God someone is left behind to know. I think that's our job FL. It's the most important thing we will ever do. To let our kids know that we know what they're feeling, even if we say nothing. Sometimes I think they only want to have a home, a parent to let them know they care, a parent who cares about them...
I've written you before to tell you that it's the kids who need us. This is still true. Mine are 19 and they still need me. Divorce sucks. But I had them and I love them. They did not marry their dad. They did not ask for a D. And they know that I love them so they are happy. To an extent.
Whatever happens with gym woman happens. The most important people in your life right now are the kids that you and your STBX had together.
Hey FL..
Heck.. sometimes my closet anal retentiveness comes out.. I get so fricking literal!
Keep that black humor to add a twinkle to your eye and radiate that smile.
So many thoughts.. so little time..
I was told that our divorce was fast because it was under a year from the time the papers were served (March 17). It was done 50 weeks after the bomb (mid January). As your friend knows, divorce takes time.
What is coming out is insecurity on both your girlfriend and your daughter. You decide the boundaries, take care of your kids.
Both your daughter and your girlfriend can learn to remind themselves of the positive actions you take. Confidence comes from believing in themselves, from seeing that you follow through, that you are consistent. They learn to reassure themselves about the reality.. rather than fear.
Keeping making it happen.
*hugs*
Still reading along. No advice, but sending hugs your way (((FLTC)))
In the months that RB and I have been dating, my D has obviously come up. But he's also been very understanding and does not blame me for the timeline.
I see her comment as an insecurity. Same with your Ds. You can reassure them both, but that's about it.
Work on boundaries right now.
And just take it one day at a time. Try not to let it all get to you!
FLTC, where are you. I'm getting tired of flapping crap on my own thread! It's a well known fact that if you leave your thread unattended for too long in Survivors some weird parties will break out on it. Don't let that happen to you!
I hope everything is OK, let us know
OK, since FLTC has gone AWOL - let's have a party on his thread.
Sounds like the good old days!
Now - I'll be passing out the margaritas!
CHEERS!
SFO
OK, since FLTC has gone AWOL - let's have a party on his thread.
Sounds like the good old days!
Now - I'll be passing out the margaritas!
CHEERS!
SFO
Wahoo! Where's FLTC keep his booze...in a gym bag these days I'm guessing. Any paper cups lying around? I'll keep lookin'
Sorry for my absence. I have been O.B.E. Overcome by Events. The divorce proceedings press on. I looked at my STBX's bank and credit card statements.
I found it interesting that after some of my $10,000 deposits from Mesopotamia, that a couple days later, there would be several hundred dollar charges to a hotel in a town halfway between where she lived and
Smarmylawyerbossparamourscu*bag lived. Ewwwwww...... He showed up with her at one of my son's lacrosse games. I wanted to text her and ask who was keeping his wife compnay. Relax, I didn't do it. Pretty funny though, right?
Ahhhh. "Some gave all, all gave some". Have a reflective Memorial Day, all.
My booze is in the camouflage Camelback!
My booze is in the camouflage Camelback!
Damn, I never checked there!
Hang in there FLTC, this too shall pass!
That's a creative solution!
The day I moved out, STBXH took the SBW to a super expensive dinner - like $150 worth - to celebrate. I saw it on the bank accounts and nearly flipped. Sometimes it's better to just not know.
Sometimes it's better to just not know.
I agree! I still get irked that my xH's boat payment is more than he wanted to pay me for "maintenance".
FLTC, it WILL get easier! You just have more to put up with before "the easier" part arrives!
STAY STRONG!!!
Hey FL..
It's good to see your sense of humor keeps serving you well. Hope the divorce process is going as smoothly as possible in a manner which keeps your assets intact.
Sometimes being away from here, keeping up with the daily grind, is the most healing.
*hugs*
My posts have been less and less frequent. My relationship with Gym Woman gets better and better. We went to DC for Memorial Day. A fitting place for me to be after last year in Iraq. It was awesome. Linked up with some friends from Iraq and had a spectacular time. The best weekend I've had in 15 years. Went to Section 60 at Arlington; truly the saddest acre in America.
D18 confided in me that she was at home one evening and Smarmylawyerbosstoolparamour was there and still flashes his wedding ring. D18 was outraged at this and went outside and took a key to the side of his BMW 750i. Ugh...............WTF do I do except tell her it's unacceptable. Shes livid that STBX brought him into her life and the guy still lives with his wife AND WEARS THE RING. What the fu&k?
I have come so far because of the wonderful people on this board. I wish you could see my 2006 postings. An absolute basket case. I had some great advice and virtual support from all of you.
I have nothing to lose by going to trial.
FLTC, so glad you had a great time. You deserve it, my man! Btw, you were absolutely right to tell D18 that her behaviour was unacceptable. It's one thing to for her to voice her opinion to Mom in private but it's another to act out in such a manner. Good job, FLTC!
OK. Just whe you think sh'es gone away, Freddie Kruger's hand comes out of the lake. I got a letter from my attorney today. STBX's attorney has had my pensions: Army and educator evaluated, and it comes out to be worth..... ready.........$930,000!
So.....today, I'm a millionaire living in the 9th floor of an inner city apartment! I must be one of those crazy old men you read about who dies with all this money and a pile of newspapers from 1967 piled 8 feet high on the dining room table!I need to get 78 cats to complete the story, and begin eating Little Friskies!
Out of frustartion last month, I told STBX WAIT! I failed to disclose the 64 cents in my car's ash tray!
She makes it certain that I can never have any kind of relationship with her.
Hey FL..
Be sure you have your own evaluation done on the pensions... current payout costs and at retirement. Numbers can vary greatly. It's all about money.
How is that apartment doing? And you, too!
*hugs*
STBX's attorney has had my pensions: Army and educator evaluated, and it comes out to be worth..... ready.........$930,000!
Can you loan me a few $k
She makes it certain that I can never have any kind of relationship with her.
Remember, the anger and bitterness will eat her up. Karma happens.
As far as your military retirement...aren't you Reserve/Guard? She will get half when you reach age 60. You can't get a lump sum payment or be required to pay off a spouse for it!! Isn't it the same for your Teacher retirement?
Hey there FL - I saw those posts many moons ago! And yes, you HAVE come a long way. I don't get here often either. Life gets in the way.
One thing about your pension "value" estimate. You need to get the details about that estimate. Is it the total sum of the monthly estimated payments over your remaining estimated life? If so, then that would have to be discounted back to a present value to be considered value. $1 in 20 years is not worth $1 today. I agree with the post that tells you to get your own estimate.
That would certainly be worth the money you spend. Glad to hear you're doing well!
My x's atty finally accepted the amount that the state said was the value of my retirement - it was very little. It was NOT the actual amount that it will be worth - part of it is that I'm not vested or something....
I hope it works out for you - are you getting your own numbers as suggested?
....So.....today, I'm a millionaire living in the 9th floor of an inner city apartment!....
Hey now, wait a minute. I hope this is really a sense of humor and not the martyr talk masking as a sense of humor. I've heard that martyr talk before and we'll have none of that!
I remember the mediator turning to me and saying, "yes, you would be better off asking for a lump sum of H's retirement". Then in the next breath she said to my H, "you do NOT want to pay out a lump sum." It just depends on which side of the fence you are sitting on.
Does your wife have a retirement account? Make sure you get half of that!
ditto! How's it going, FLTC?
Hi friends,
It's been a while since I've posted, and I think that'a a good thing. There was a time when I visited here hourly, so that's growth.
Things continue to go really well with Gym Woman. Beyond anything I thought I'd ever find in life. Maybe STBX was right a while ago when she said "We should never have gotten married". While Michelle thinks most marriages can be saved, maybe some shouldn't be.
I'm going on 7 months, and so far, she is the kindest, nicest woman I've ever met. The fact that her former husband did the same thing to her seems to have made her fiercely protective of a good relationship,and I feel the same.
STBX once said she was "Miserable because of the marriage". Guess what....wait for it...."SHE'S MORE MISERABLE THAN EVER!!!"
She keeps information from the kids from me, and expects me to grovel for any information about D16s eating disorder recovery, and then when a new piece of information is revealed, she accuses me of not being involved.
Just last September, I found out D19 was pregnant when I was in Iraq. I asked STBX "Why didn't you tell me?" She responded "I didn't feel it was my place" WHAT?
EVERY email attacks me in some way. I went after her. I'd been too passive and a 200 pound doormat for 20 years.
I told her in an email that while being so "concerned" about the kids "she continues to have a sordid affair with a married guy, still living at home with his wife wearing a wedding ring that wasn't his, and not having the bal&s or the decency to divorce his wife".
She's a bully. An angry, miserable bully.
In the latest twist, she asked me to take the rest of the stuff out of the house that I crrently pay the mortgage on. She said she had a dumpster coming in August, and anything "I didn't take would be tossed"
Fair enough. I went there Saturday at the agreed upon time, and started going through my footlocker from Iraq, only taking some of my stuff, she stated "ALL OF YOUR STUFF NEEDS TO BE GONE TODAY. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE ME WITH ANY OF YOUR STUFF TO THROW AWAY. I'LL CHARGE YOU FOR MY TIME AND THE COST". That's not what the email implied. It implied she would toss what I didn't take. Another "Improvised Spouse Device" Never know where it's hidden, when it will detonate, and how big the charge is!
When I told her "Fine, start the clock", she demanded that I leave immediately. I did. What a whack job!
She will allow D17 to pick up S11 from school in Smarmy's Jeep, but D17 is not allowed to use the Jeep to help me in any way, such as picking up S11 during early dismissals from school toward the end of the school year, like today, or drive to my house on my days with the kids.
She really goes out of her way to assure that I will hate her forever.
How ya' all doin?
Hey, FLTC,
Wow, your STBX seems to be cut from the same flawed fabric as my xW. Loony to the max, and using the kids to get back at their father.
And some marriages just cannot be saved even when they should.
Hang in there. You're doing good.
Hi FLTC,
Been wondering how you're doing. (you know me from before - hint - my name starts with "B"). Anyway...
Your wife has not/will not change anytime soon. The best you can do right now is stay out of the line of fire. This is something it took me a long time to learn. Your anger towards her is quite evident. I had the same problem. But the truth is - it never affected HIM that I was so angry - it affected my own health. You owe it to yourself and your children to focus on you and not on her and what she is up to. You still write about her and smarmy L and who spent what on who and who drives what in every post. That does not help you. Again, I only learned this from doing it myself for a long time.
If your R with Gym woman is going well - then that's a positive in your life. If things are going better with the kids - then great - 3 more positives. Try not to focus on what your wife won't help you with (like the Jeep for your son) - focus on what YOU can do with your kids.
Divorce is ugly. Some are worse than others (yours and mine for sure). But we can escalate things with our own words and actions too. And it is just not worth it.
I think I would arrange with her for the best time to get your things out of the house. End that part of it. No more threats about dumpsters - just get it over with. If you are angry that you still pay the mtg on the house - don't bring it up to her - bring it up to your attorney.
I don't want to see you become bitter. We only get one life. How you choose to live it is up to you. I enjoy mine immensely. The reason is that I dumped out most of the negative crap at the bottome of my coffee cup and refilled it with each of the positives I encountered in my life. My cup runneth over again! Life is good. Hope yours keeps getting better too.
SF (formerly known as Barb)
Hey SFO!!! Formerly known as....
I'm so glad you posted on Donna's thread...enough details that I knew it was you!
Welcome back...you were missed!!!
Hope all is well in B.....land!
Hiya Summer! Welcome to summer...
Sorry for the hijack, FLTC. Things are going pretty well here. Maybe I'll start a thread to update. Hope all is well with you too.
SF
Hang in there, FLTC! Just try to let her crap bounce off you. Your life is getting better and that's the blessing to hold on to!
Back from training. Wanted to drop by and say hi.
Hang in there!
Hey wii and Michelle,
My visits here are less and less frequent, and I'm sure why. The addition of Gym Woman has been the real "lightning in a bottle find" I described it as 7 months ago. Its great to be around a non-combative, non-angry win at any cost woman. She continues to be awesome, and less insecure that I'll chnage my mind about her. I'm really cautiously optimisitc about the future.
STBX continues to be very difficult to get along with under any circumstance. She is HORRIBLE to try and talk to. I want this over. Her attorney and mine are meeting to try and come to a deal. She wants 50% of my pay. I'll never stand for that. It's ridiculous.
Let the lawyers do their work, then - it will be money well spent. Glad to hear that GW is still going strong. Hope that the 3 kiddos are well.
FLTC, I do believe it will be easier for you once the settlement is reached (at least it was for me). Just don't give up too much just to get it over with (like I did!) Your wife still makes my ex look like a Saint.
(((FLTC)))
FLTC: Sorry to hear your soon-to-be ex is still so angry and difficult. I hate to say it - but some of them never get out of that stage. For me it has been 8 years and he is just as nasty and difficult as ever. And I don't get ANYTHING from him - just grief. I don't get any of his pay or CS or anything - still he is horrible to me. So - getting this part done will be freeing for you.
Life gets better. This you're finding out. Glad to hear that things are going wo well with gym woman - sure changes the focus, right?
Anyway, just here to say "hang in there" - it will soon be over and you can get on with your life.
Barb
Hey Friends, Old and New (And what was old is new again, B.!)
Well, the time was right last night, and GymWoman and I were having a glass of wine on her deck, after she had worked all weekend, and I was at Reserves. We got talking about how we both reacted when our respective spouses told us they were dumping us. I told her I didn't handle it well at all, and she asked what I meant by that. I told her about my total breakdown in March of 2006 when I spent some time in the Silly Hospital, and I told her exactly how I got there. We have been seeing each other almost every other day since December.
She just looked at me and told me that it didn't matter, that's not who I was now, and that she was so happy and it meant a lot to her that I trusted her with that issue, and that she loved me more than ever. I wish you all find someone like her!
I think we all know deep down that those of us here are really good people who got the short end of some shallow spouses.
I do think that although Michelle feels that the vast majority of marriages can be saved, I'm NOW happy that mine was not! I don't think any of you remember me from 2006, but.........you would not recognize me.
Hey FLTC!
That is BIG! HUGE even. Not an easy thing to talk about for sure but one that was weighing on your mind.
I believe in being honest but also in waiting till the time is right. It appears that you did both.
It is good that she handled it the way she did. This must be a big relief for you.
May you have much continued happiness. I know how you feel. I'm not sorry my marriage ended either. It was for the greater good.
Barb
Hey FL...
It's great you found the right time.. when you felt you could trust her enough to share a deep hurt. It's also great to see a sunny FL.. good for you!
*hugs*
That was a major worry for you, F. I am so happy that it went the way you hoped (and how I thought it would go!). I hope the kids are happy and healthy, as well, and that you are enjoying your summer.
Yay! Glad you found a good moment when you were comfortable talking about it and she was great about it!
Enjoy the rest of your summer!
That must be such a relief for you FLTC! Glad it went so well.
Thanks everyone. It is so obvious to me that I don't post here as often, because I now have someone else of quality in my life.
It is SO helpful that she went through the same thing. She also admitted being seriously depressed when her husband broke the news to her, and was further devastated when she found out he was having an affair with one of his secretaries.
She admitted, and I'm coming to see, that our spouses did each of us the biggest favors of our lives.
A marriage can only be saved if both people own why it failed. MY STBX owned it, but was not interested in changing her behaviors OR fixing the marriage.
We both also realized that we just were never really that INTO our spouses, and they were never really enamoured with us either, but....a commitiment was a commitment to us, for better or....oh yeah.....worse.
We both admitted that there was chemistry between us for years, but neither of us acted on it, because, we of course, took our marriage vows seriously. I guess in life this type of stuff happens.
It is also so obvious to me now just how unhappy I REALLY was, and I was trying to save something that really shouldn't have been saved.
When you think of how difficult it is to first get over a divorce, be OK with yourself, and then maybe think of a future with someone else MAYBE someday, I really got lucky. We have a great time together. She like I do, realize that the best THINGS in life aren't really THINGS at all!
She told her daughter last night that I was the love of her life....Pretty good stuff, huh? Eight months later, miracles do happen. I never expected anything like this, and I never saw her as a replacment for my STBX. It just sort of evolved.
My year in Iraq was the ultimate detachment experience. I was away form home for nearly two years.
As my STBX tries to pull the same old angry, controlling stuff with me, it just rolls off my back now, where three years ago, any anger or threat from her would have me reeling!!!!! She, like many of the Xs I have read about here is just not a very nice person. Oh well.......
I also find it weird to be in a normal R. I keep expecting a fight or him to pull something passive aggressive and it doesn't happen. It's strangely easy and wonderful lol.
What scares me the most though is that things with STBXH were like that for years before everything changed. I hope my judgment this time is better!
Based on an hour and a half or so, I'd say your judgement is looking pretty good, Michelle!
What scares me the most though is that things with STBXH were like that for years before everything changed. I hope my judgment this time is better!
I think the hardest thing to handle is when we realize that judgement may not be the entire issue. People change and often there's not a damn thing we can do about it! That's what makes venturing out again a brave act. We can't predict what another will ever do...we just can't...but we reach out anyway.
I believe many of us would say our spouses, or STBXSs are not the same person we married, nor are we. Although the thought of a divorce was originally devastating, I now realize it would have NEVER worked with her.
I believe at the end of the day, I am a BETTER person for having gone through this. Most of you will validate how crazy my STBX really is, but I had issues too. If we don't reflect on OUR part in the demise of the marriages, then we have wasted all of this grief. I want to thank my STBX for allowing me to be reflective and to be a better communicator and potential partner to someone else.
Now, here's the latest twist from STBX. She wants to take me to court for contempt.
When I returned from Iraq in July 2008, I moved out in August of 2008. D18 was headed off to college in September. STBX took care of all tuition payment issues. We had no written agreement on any money I would giver her, but from August 08 until February 09, I gave her $33,280. If you remove the $1200 that would be my share of tuition, this still left her with $3826 a month for support and alimony. I cut back her payments in January and February and she took me to court for a Pendente Lite Settlement. I then began to give her $3500 month in support AND $1200 a month for D18's tuition I agreed to in court.
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL......June rolls around, and her attorney sent my attorney a letter saying I was $6000 behind in college payments.
Apparently STBX thinks that NONE of the college funds came all the money I gave her from August 2008 until February of 2009. Her point is that my "formalized contribution to D18's college only began in March.
She just never stops spinning stuff!
Whaddayathink?
Hey FL..
I still don't see how she's eligible for so much support when having a well paying part-time job. Doesn't her income come into play?
And she's going to go for loophole...
Good to hear 'you' shining through!
You're the best.
*hugs*
Hi Gyps! Hope all is as well as it can be for you. I'm thinking this whole dealio is going to go to a trial. The mediator suggested a figure that was a full $1700 less than what she is getting now. I got some bad advice from my attorney, but he is deposing STBX and Smarmster in August. Let the games begin.
I'm not sure how someone can be so "tone deaf" as my STBXW. She:
1. Has an affair with her still married, wedding ring wearing, living at home with his wife boss while I'm in Iraq. He's a partner in the law firm that she is the office manager for!
2. Lets him buy D17 a Jeep, then asks for my military ID so that she can get a Veteran's discount on the Jeep.
3. Allows him to buy her a new car.
4. Allows him to pay to renovate the basement to my house.
5. Takes $11,000/month from me in Iraq, including hazardous duty pay, and puts it into an account where I can't get it. ( I KKNNOWWWWW....my fault!)
6. Asks for 6K more in college tuition.
Does she really want to be on the stand and tell about all of this? Does she want her Smarmyparamourboss to be on the stand, and then try to get lifetime alimony??????
FLTC,
I may have missed something, but your STBXW committed adultery, right? So how is your STBXW is even eligible for spousal support? In a several states, even no-fault ones, infidelity disqualifies one from alimony.
(My xW at first started making noises about seeking alimony as well as child support, and my atty. just started laughing. That got dropped real quick.)
Hi FLTC,
Well I don't know about the adultery laws but from what I've learned - few exist any more. And most people do not get spousal support if they have a job.
I did not commit adultery. I did not know my husband was having an affair. He left me, moved in with maggot and never looked back. Do I get spousal support? No. Do I share in his pension? No. Do I get help with tuition? Once in a while when he feels like it. Child support? Only the minimum court ordered amount which was $321 month until D turned 18. Have not had a dime from him in months.
I still think I got the better part of the deal. I'd be going to court for sure if I were you.
Barb
Barb/NoCode(Thanks for stopping by, brother),
Thanks for the advice. In another weird, bizarre twist: STBX's paramour's wife was diagnosed three weeks ago with cancer and died two days ago! WTF! Ready for this: She died in the ICU where GymWoman works, but she was off that day!
I sent my lawyer the final damge for my Iraq mobilization and deployment: READY...Hold on to your HELMETS, INDIVIDUAL, COMBAT, 1 EACH:
I sent home $141,000, including harardous duty pay, imminent danger pay and family separation pay. She promptly transferred $121,000 of it into another account.
She can explain that in court.......it's only money! I get Gym Woman. She gets Smarmy.............rounds complete, over.
FLTC:
I really feel for Smarmy's wife. Do they have kids? Do you think she knew of the affair? That is just SO sad.
But now your ex might pressure him into M. Heck - if she marries him - you'll definitely be off the hook for alimony. But you know - with all the changes going on - he might just bolt.
Divorce sucks. All the way around. But especially for the kids. Hope yours are doing ok.
Barb
I sent home $141,000, including harardous duty pay, imminent danger pay and family separation pay. She promptly transferred $121,000 of it into another account.
If there was proper justice, the STBXW and her fellow scum bag cheater would be sent to the Afgan/Pakistan border (Operation Khanjar) to earn some of the military money they took indirectly through you. But then again, people of their type do not deserve to be anywhere near the brave and honorable men and women of our military
FLTC - you sound like you are doing just great not counting the huge financial mess caused by your selfish STBXW.
Hey FL..
What bizarre twists and turns!
It's good to hear that the drama isn't driving your life, that you're in an ever evolving positive relationship. My heart goes out to children of the woman who died.
I would not want to be near your soon to be ex spouse and the widower.. it's a Pandora's box of slugs, muck and sludge.
*hugs*
Thanks, folks! Good to have new posters. Welcome to my life Kerry! I was hugging blast walls and eating the gravel during mortar attacks and she wanted my Military ID so she and Smarmeister could get a Veteran's discount on the Jeep he was leasing for my D17.
Another weekend of STBX trying to be CONTROLLING. It's so weirts. She's the one who wanted out, but can't stop contacting me over stupid stuff.
I went to a wedding this weekend with GymWoman out of state. It was my weekend with D17 and S11. Weeks ago, I asked D17 if she would stay with S11 so I could attend this wedding. I told her I would give her my car, apartment and money. I would also pay her to look after S11. Other than the eating disorder issue, she is highly responsible.
On Thursday, STBX sends me an email syaing she didn't think it was safe, and what if D17 and S11 got into an accident. (Well, it would be the same if they got into an accident and I WAS at home, except it would take me two hours to get to a hospital).
STBX unilaterally decides that S11 and D17 would stay with her, and then says she want to "trade a weekend with me". I did not respond at all.
I did nothing illegal. She unilaterally as usual, makes a decision and then asks me to pay a penalty. I did not even respond.
Gypsy: Your right! UGLY times at the Smarmy/STBX house.
Re the money: you obviously have the math to back up your claim that you were giving her money that covered your contribution to tuition.
Those depositions should be interesting.
Wow about smarmy's wife. Talk about more fuel being thrown onto the drama fire!
STBXW sure can't let go can she! I was babysitting my younger siblings when I was 13. Granted, for a couple hours, not a weekend, but still! Did they end up staying with her? If so, I'd take her up on the trade so that you can have more time with the kids. Just my opinion though.
How was the wedding? Hope you guys had fun!
Michelle,
We had a great time. STBXW just called me today to let me know that D19 (Today, on her birthday!) punched STBX and STBX had her arrested and she has to go to family court tomorrow! Awesome! When I was away this weekend D19 had kids at my place where they drank a ton of beer. I made a police report too. She showed no remorse. No apology. Nothing but you owe me tuition.
D19 IS STBX. They are the same person! It really is time for D19 to work without a net! She nneds to hit bottom. Too bad, because she was set to start school at the University of Connecticut, after working hard to transfer there. A great school. So much promise, and she's tossing it away!
I'm sure the moderator will remove this post as it is not DB related! Sorry, but you guys have shared this agony with me for almost 4 years!
Sorry about D19 -- it would be nice for her to get out of this without a record. Could you and XW jointly support some sort of treatment in lieu of a criminal record when she goes to her hearing? What she really needs is help, not something that will damage her chances for the rest of her life.
Not sure I understand your last sentence -- how is dealing with kids post-D not D related???
FLTC: I don't see how calling the Police on your daughter solves any problems. My daughter who is 20 has had friends over drinking when I've not been here even though it goes against the rules. And I have dealt with it. I would not consider calling the Police. Do you think that will help her? Do you think it will help your R. No! It will cause a further rift and she will lose trust.
Your daughter is acting out. She needs some guidelines, rules and discipline. She does NOT need a police record. you can't control what your ex does but you can control what you do. Be there for her.
Do not leave your son with her. She has proved herself unreliable. If you have plans on your w/e with the kids - get a babysitter. That's what the rest of us do. Its not up to your wife to switch w/es with you.
I don't think either of you handled things well at all.
Barb
Barb, I think it was the younger D that FLTC asked to babysit, not the one getting into trouble currently.
But to play devil's advocate, FLTC could have offered his stbx the "right of first refusal" before having made plans, if he knew he would be away for a significant amount of time. Seems that his ex should have approached it that way, rather than just going ahead and changing what was set up.
OK, I get that now. But still - it doesn't help to call Police on your own daughter except as a last resort. JMHO
A little history on D19. She hit her mother on two previous occassions while I was in Iraq. This was after she came back from a school for troubled kids, after we pulled her out of public school because she was so alcohol and drug involved.
On one occassion, she gave STBX a bloody nose. Yesterday was the THIRD time she put her hands on STBX.
This was while we were paying for a therapist and a psychiatrist.
When I returned from Iraq last July, D19 moved into my little place with me, because she could not live with her mother.
One weekend when I met some of my friends from Iraq, she had a number of kids in my apartment, and there was a lot of drinking. Vomit on my bathroom wall attested to that.
I told her how I felt betrayed and how dangerous it was if for instance, a kid was sitting on the windowsill of my apartment, and tumbles nine stories.
This past weekend was the SECOND time she did it. She had a key from last summer, and knew I would not be home. When I called her on it, there was no remorse, no "I'm sorry", all I got was " What do you want, I had a few kids and we had some drinks before WE DROVE 30 MILES TO ANOTHER TOWN!"
She manaaged to get herself transferred to the best public college in New England; UCONN. She has (or had) it all going for her.
3x HITTING STBX + 2X DRINKING PARTIES AT MY APARTMENT + NO REMORSE + DISREGARDING THERAPIST = A NEED TO HIT ROCCCKKKKKKK BOTTOM. She needs a good kick in the as$ at this point. SHE IS A CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC; IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE: ME, STBX, THE EASTER BUNNY, ELVIS, BILLY MAYS, THE SHOOTERS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!
oldtimer: When I was in Iraq, I posted for some advice about D17 who had (has?) a severe eating disorder, and it was removed by the moderator (I can see why), but I was in some need of some realy virtua support from my old friends here!
I remember Barb ranting about the moderator taking it down! (That was awesome!)
FLTC: I think I have a better understanding now. It is SO dangerous when the kids have parties when we're not around. I stress this to my D20 all the time. It is a huge Liability!
Barb
So, what happened to D19, after all that?
How is D17 faring - is she going into her senior year?
How about your S - still in hockey, or do you take a break for the summer?
FLTC - Sorry to hear about your 19 year old daughter. It sounds like she is on her way to spending some time in a penitentiary someday if she does not start shoot'n straight. Hopefully she can get her act together at UCONN.
Kerry/Donna/SFO:
She and STBX had a 930 Court date this morning. STBX told me I was expected there as well....uh....not going...sorry.
It's a dilemma, I'm not sure I WANT to pay anything for my snotty, unrepentent kid to go to UCONN, but then what? She works at a deli and lives with 5 other kids?
I realize it's last minute notice and you might have work...but WHY are you not going? Do you feel it is between the two of them only?
Why is working at a deli and having roommates so she can afford rent so bad? Lots of people do it. It's part of the college/starting out experience IMHO. Especially if you're like me and didn't have parents who could pay for much. It'll teach her to budget and appreciate what she has - her health and the beauty in each day which is in the little things, not money.
STBXW really needs to learn to ask instead of tell lol.
(((FLTC))). My D18 is a handful so I know a tiny bit how you feel. I just wish our dtrs didn't think we(i.e. the parents) were so stupid! My D18 does EVERYTHING the hard way. She also expects things instead of being grateful for things. I just don't understand where we went wrong!
Well, Matilda, I'd have to say it is the generation. Most of my friends have similar complaints about their ungrates and they're not all kids whose parents are going through divorce. I told mine yesterday that I'm just tired of continuing to make rules and monitor an overgrown teen. I mean - I was married at her age! I think they'll end up ok but they're taking the rough road to get there.
Barb
Hey FL..
You're under no legal obligation to pay for college tuition once your child is over 18. Unless you agree to it in the settlement. My oldest was a wild one, dropping classes, getting marginal to great grades for his first two years. We sent him to a state school because I wasn't going to pay private school tuition for him to learn to become a better partier.
His junior year I had him take student loans for his tuition (we paid for room and board). If he had a 3.0 or higher, we assumed the loan. If lower than that, it was his. He never went below except he got a free pass for the semester when all hell broke loose and his dad's indiscretions came out.
Irresponsibility comes with consequences. If your wife wants to pay her share upfront, she can. Don't allow it in the divorce decree. If it's a sticking point, put your boundaries in. As a parent you have a choice about what's appropriate for your children. You don't want the legal system telling you what to do with an irresponsible child. Your younger children will be taken care of (equivalent to UCONN) with each of you paying half.
About your wife hoarding the $11K a month in her own name. It says a few things. One: she does not need your income if she was able to save that amount. Two: If you go to trial, that behavior will be taken into consideration. Three: Adultery does count toward something in CT.
Under the law she can be eligible for lifetime alimony. Her income should be taken into account. You put in a 'second look' around the time you're eligible for retirement in the settlement. The court will review the finances again. If she remarries it's gone. If she
cohabits, it's adjusted and/or gone.. though the term's definition is a bit loosey goosey in CT. It would be up to you to prove it.
And even though this is a bit late about your daughter abusing alcohol with friends in your domicile. You pressed charges, you made it happen. You should be there.
Otherwise, how's it going?
*hugs*
sending earnest prayers your way FLTC, how hard, I personally will keep my 6yr old girl in 1rst grade always...)*sigh* why do they have to turn 18?...
A police record could harm her in the futre -- she does need a good wake up call of a differnt kind. I know of many awesome jobs that would turn down anyone with a record. I agree with the rest that you dont' owe her tuition, she should earn it somehow if only to teach her some responsibility.
Strenght and patience your way)))))
Hey Mattie and everyone,
Just returned from two weeks with the Army. Have not posted in a long time. Posts seem to be getiing further and further apart. I guess that's healthy. As soon as I log in, I can feel the pain, lonliness and betrayal of all of us on this page. The memory of the hurt is evoked each time I see Michelle's face come up on the web site.
I remember back in 2006, logging in to check my responses almost every 10 minutes...living piece of advice to piece of advice. I never forgot some of the people who kept posting to me as my hurt dissapated over the years. Getting a cruel email from STBX would tear my soul apart and make the bottom feel like it was falling out of my stomach. The encouragement and advice and support I got here was beyond belief. SOmetimes it was all I had when I lived by myself, pre-Iraq deployment
I am in a great place. GymWoman and I are really happy, and it's great to be with someone who is neither angry or crazy. It's been 9 months since we started seeing each other, and every day she tells me she'll take care of my heart. I can only wish that all of you find a love again.
All great news, F. Hope that your kids are doing just as well.
Wishing you continued success - you've come a long way!!!
Glad to hear you are doing well!
I don't post nearly as much either, especially on my own thread. Not much to talk about these days.
Which is probably a good thing!
It is nice that you are in a happier frame of mind. It will even get better once your divorce is final. I am glad you don't feel the need to post all the time, but I still enjoy checking in on my friends now and then. Take care!
Posts are less and less frequent......Who thought I would ever be there!
It's been 4 years since the "We've got nothing in common, let's get a divorce lawyer speech" on July 30, 2005 at 2 PM in a local park.....
Just like 9/11 or JFK's assassination (those of you as old as me)....you remember where you were when you got smacked across the head with the bat, like one of the opening scences in Tarnatino's "Inglorious Basterds"
Just like all of you, I faced total shock, and over the next 10 months became more and more mentally unravelled until on March 30, 2006, I tried to end it all by swallowing a ton of my Zoloft.
I just wanted the pain to go away.......
From 9 days at the silly hospital to moving back home to STBX becoming angrier and angrier with the situation to moving into a guy's garage in August of 2006 to Iraq in June of 2007 to back home standing strong in June of 2008 to stumbling across a great woman in November 2008 to being in love in September of 2009, and feeling on top of the world.
What a journey................
On another note....STBX and her attorney had a falling out, and she has hired a new attorney. Why is that not surprising.
Hope you all are doing well. If I can pull out of the "flame out" I was in, you all are going to do just fine!
Hang in there!
FLTC
Way to go FLTC!!!! We all get out of the mess sooner or later. I took a long time just like you but I dealt with the mess in the best way I knew - just like you. And I found happiness when the time was right - just like you. Feels better, eh???
8 years for me since the bomb. My ex and I split and got back together twice in the first couple of weeks. And our split happened at the same time as 9 -11. Some things you DO not ever forget.
But it is all part of the history. For the first time - I did not feel ANYTHING on the date of our split (last week). I also find that for the first time ever in 8 years, I can now go a day or 2 with no thoughts of ex and maggot and no anger towards them.
Good Riddance to them and that horrible time.
Life is good. Let's enjoy our new, better lives!
Cheers!
Barb
We have all come a long way!
Yours is definitely a story of survival and inspiration!
It's funny that STBX can't even get along with her attorney! She just can't take a hint can she? Lol.
Glad you are doing well.
Hey FL..
It's a pretty standard break out.. as far as I could figure.
As a stay at home mom (I stopped working 20+ years ago to raise the kids) in a long term marriage (over 20 years) I was eligible for 'lifetime alimony'. The standard settlement for our situation, a highly compensated husband and moi with NO income broke out to the following:
Alimony (long term marriage): 30% of his gross income
Child support: Roughly 10% for the minor child
Until my youngest is 21, I receive 40% of his salary in alimony and unallocated child support.
Your STBX IS working, under 20 years of marriage usually falls under 'rehabilitative' alimony which lasts for half the length of the marriage.
Your two salaries have to be taken into account and the amounts adjusted accordingly. Connecticut calls for an 'equitable', not even distribution of income.
What does your lawyer say? I talked to a few attorneys during the divorce settlement to have their input. And I learned things to make sure I included.
Another thing.. judges get annoyed when trial dates change. If she's changed lawyers than the discovery process begins all over again. How does this effect the subpeona? Adultery can be sited as a cause for divorce in CT.
Don't you just love this weather?
*hugs*
X's girlfriend, while married 17 or 18 years and 4 kids, got NO alimony. She only gets child support, $500/week. She was a stay-at-home-mom, too. I think it had to do with him citing the adultery.
I was told that there isn't anything set in stone for alimony, just what is customary. Gyp is right about the length of marriage thing - I was married for near-16 years, and my alimony ends in 8. My child support ends as each child reaches 18. The 2 lawyers looked at both of our incomes, making sure that we could both live off the money we would each end up with, to determine the alimony amount. I had been getting $650/week unallocated (which made it all taxable to me as income - ack!) since the legal separation, an amount I came up with to pay all the bills. After the divorce, it was reduced to $300 for child support (about $40 more than the chart according to his income), and $200 alimony/week.
Only the alimony will be taxable to me, now (deductible to him). Check with a tax person, too.
Your wife has a good-paying job. She left the marriage while committing adultery. I don't think she is "entitled" to any alimony at all.
Alimony, traditionally, is a vehicle to make sure that mothers who stayed at home to raise the children wouldn't be left starving or forced to rush out to take a job (or two) if they were left by their husbands. It allowed them time to train and re-enter the workforce, or took that burden off of them entirely if it was a "long-term" marriage. As in, staying home to raise kids and keep house, only to have hubby take off with his 22 year-old secretary, and being 55 with no training, skills, or experience. That is certainly not your wife's case.
Good luck with it all...
Hi FLTC!
Not much to add. You are getting good advice too. But I wonder if you are confident in your own lawyer. I, too, went to 9 different lawyers for consultations. It ended up being a smart move for me as only one was creative enough to figure out how I could keep my house as it was built for our disabled son. I was adament about this being what I wanted for him at the time.
I was married 25 years. I do not get alimony. I am now suddenly retired. I get nothing from him, no UIC, no pension. Can't go back. But I'll be ok. Personally, I do not believe your wife should be entitled to anything.
But laws vary from place to place. Again, check with your L about the laws in your situation.
Good luck and don't give in.
Barb
My XW worked and was living with a rich sugar daddy and probably did not need alimony. Still, my lawyer said it would be risky fighting it out to court. Her lawyer was asking for $1200 a month in alimony for 5 years if she lived with sugar daddy and $2000 if she lived by herself.
I weighed my court risks, the tax dedcution benefit, the reduction alimony does for child support, and the idea that once alimony is on record that it can be changed (amount and term) in the future if she is seriously injured. I ended up doing a $40G buyout of alimony as part of the division of assets and I am not on record as paying alimony. I was able to refinance my house to pay for all of that and I came out pretty good with only about $300 more a month for mortgage payments.
Hi FLTC, I have absolutely nothing lawyer-like to add...just a neighbourly greeting! I hope all is well.
FL,
So many of us don't get by this site any longer, but I'm thinking about you and your D. It should be nearing the end and I hope all works out. Just remember that there are no winners in a divorce. It's a lose-lose situation. The only thing we can do is protect ourselves as best we can. Then we have to proceed with what we have left.
From what I've read, you seem to be transitioning well. I hope that keeps you grounded.
Hey FLTC, if you read this, or anyone who had an spouse in the army, I had some questions. A friend of mine has been in an semi-abusive M and wants to D, her H took her name off the acct and barely gives her money for food, seems like he tells her he wont'give her anything, she is trying to look for a job. They used to live here but on summer they moved to Japan for his transfer, she wants to come back but has no money. I did tell her to try DB but it seems it's too late for it, she tried it all and he still drinks and has left her a few times already.
cat, it would be more helpful to know a little more about her situation. Army? Marines? If he is abusive, there are a number of ideas that I have. Let me know.
MY TRIAL HAS BEEN POSTPONED TO MAYBE FEBRUARY OR MARCH!!! FML!!!
STBX GOT A NEW ATTORNEY...WHAT A SHOCK. SPECIAL MASTERS WAS SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW, BUT HER ATTORNEY ASKED FOR AN EXTENSION AND GOT IT. THE TRIAL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 14 OCTOBER, BUT IT MAY BE CONTINUED TO FEBRUARY OR MARCH.....WTF.....? IS THIS NORMAL?
cat, it would be more helpful to know a little more about her situation. Army? Marines? If he is abusive, there are a number of ideas that I have. Let me know.
MY TRIAL HAS BEEN POSTPONED TO MAYBE FEBRUARY OR MARCH!!! FML!!!
STBX GOT A NEW ATTORNEY...WHAT A SHOCK. SPECIAL MASTERS WAS SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW, BUT HER ATTORNEY ASKED FOR AN EXTENSION AND GOT IT. THE TRIAL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 14 OCTOBER, BUT IT MAY BE CONTINUED TO FEBRUARY OR MARCH.....WTF.....? IS THIS NORMAL?
MY TRIAL HAS BEEN POSTPONED TO MAYBE FEBRUARY OR MARCH!!! FML!!!
STBX GOT A NEW ATTORNEY...WHAT A SHOCK. SPECIAL MASTERS WAS SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW, BUT HER ATTORNEY ASKED FOR AN EXTENSION AND GOT IT. THE TRIAL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 14 OCTOBER, BUT IT MAY BE CONTINUED TO FEBRUARY OR MARCH.....WTF.....? IS THIS NORMAL?
This is total BS. It seems that some of the east coast states have a pretty messed up system for family law. FaithIsBelieving over in MLC has been been going through a similar long drawn-out divorce process in New York.
Is there any way to get the lawyers working back and forth to come to a fair agreement so as to avoid trial. But it may be that your LTBXW refuses to hear the reality that her L suggests and she is the one throwing a wrench into the system.
Kerry,
Thanks for the post. Yeah, I don't get it. I was five days away from getting this done, and this happens, sending the date 6 MONTHS OUT!!!! WTH?
yikes! sorry to hear that. Wth does she gain by postponing it? that is absurd!
He is in the army, they have 2 kids, they recently sold all their stuff in the states and moved to Japan, she was a stay at home mom who had a part time now and then. He isn't abusive per se, but he had a drinking problem and she wants out.
Too bad about the postponement. Maybe your wife will make the new lawyer crazy, too, and things will go faster. How is GW?
Your children?
(((FLTC)))
Hey FL..
Is this her second or third lawyer? Last October, my former spouse fired his lawyer a few weeks before we were supposed to go to Special Masters and hired a very expensive one. The trial date was pushed back to mid to late January to allow his attorney to get up to speed on the case. Court just about grinds to a halt because of all the holidays in that time period.
Who is her new lawyer? Make sure that you are not paying her legal fees, that whatever she owes comes out of her part of the settlement. I didn't push for that and ended up being responsible for half. Ask your lawyer what your strategy should be. Push for the settlement that works for you. Divorce is a lose/lose scenario.
*hugs*
Sorry for the hijack.
Cat, I am also interested in knowing more about your friend. There should be resources on base, he is getting a housing allowance and other stuff that is meant to support his family and she should be able to legally get access to that money.
FLTC - glad to hear you are doing okay. I understand the extension thing, but 6 months seems extreme! WTF is she waiting on?
Either send me a message on Facebook, or post on my thread if you want more info.
you are in Fb? how do I find you?
my screen name is the same. Michelle Lt. I am on Jeff's friend page, NikB's, and the list goes on. I am a member of the group Kalni created as well.
Michelle, will you change your screen name when you make Capt?
Cat...I'm on fb too...how do I find you? (sorry for the fb hi-jack
)
LMAO. Ya know, that's actually my initials. It's a funny coincidence isn't it?
But when the D finalizes, my last name will be getting changed. So, not sure if I'll change it.
Wow, disappear for a couple of weeks and your post is turned into Craig's List!
My posts are ridiculously infrequent. I have been so OBE; Overcome by Events.
I think back to the panic and loss of control that was all mine four years ago, when I first lurked on these posts, posting every 10 minutes! I had totally lost myself (almost literally, as you may recall), and was just a shell of the confident, self-assured me that I knew.
The saga continues as we move toward what certainly will be a trial because she is so unreasonable in what she wants. I don't care. So be it. Better a judge tell me what to do than she does. As the line from the movie American Beauty went "Never tell me what to do again".
I so lost myself trying to pacify her, and make all right with her.
Going to Iraq for a year was great for me, but I must say that the addition of a great new woamn in my life has been unbeatable.
As you may recall, it was just about a year ago this week, when I first talked about "Lightning in a Bottle", and running into a woman from my past at the gym, a month back from Iraq. The rest is history. We have been inseparable since then. I never looked for it, it just fell on me.
All the stuff about not falling for anyone too quickly, or healing or all the other stuff you read about never seemed to apply, and still doesn't. It's like I was nver married to STBX. The last three years of that nightmare were awful. I was treated like an unwanted dog. ughhhhh. Iraq gave me a great gift: Perspective.
"Gym Woman" is absolutely crazy about me and I am about her. She suffered the same indignation at the hands of her XH; I'm not happy, so I'm going to scr$w my secretary"
blah...blah.......blah, so we both cherish someone who is finally really into us!
I consider myself to be so fortunate to have come out of the depths of unbelievable depression. It was at the point that getting dressed in the morning seemed insurmountable. All I wanted to do was die. It's amazing what time and some unbelievable luck can do.
I hope that all of you who have been torn apart by the loss of a marriage and the violent resturcturing of what your kids knew as a family can find renewed happiness at some point. Life is too short.
(Do I sound like a "Tony Robbins" motivational speaker?)
FLTC -
That was SO good to hear! I hope that your kids are doing just as well...
((((hugs))))
--D
FL,
You sound good. I'm glad I caught you here. It seems strange to think back and really understand what we were trying to do -save our families. What we did not know then was that we could not do that. Only our X's/STBX's could. They held all the power.
I know I mentioned my nephew the Marine to you while you were in Iraq. I think he was there when you were. His X sent him a Dear John Email while he was there and the Marines actually allowed him to cut his 3rd tour short and go home. He tried just like we did and he also failed. But I don't know how much of a failure it was. His X had to move away from PA because the owner of the business where her lover worked was fired when the ex-Marine boss found out about what they did. They moved and married one another and took my nephew's kids with them. His crazy X last New Years Eve was put in jail for spousal abuse and they are now divorced. My nephew now has full custody of his kids and married the perfect woman this past April.
Karma? I believe so. Your STBX will get what she gives. I just got the re-mastered Beatle's Abbey Road Albumn. "And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make"
I hope your kids are doing well with this transition FL.
Yes, you do sound good FLTC! It's great to see you standing strong throughout this whole mess. You've come a long way, baby
I'm glad Gym woman is there for ya.
Glad to hear you are doing well!!!!
Well,
Freddy Krueger just stuck her hand out of the lake, just in time for Halloween! It's STBX's weekend with the kids. S11 has a hockey game at 7PM on HALLOWEEN(!) an hour away from home.
She asks me to take him to the game so that she can stay at home and pass out candy to the neighborhood kids, so when he comes home at 8:30 it can "be a fun, fun Halloween".
Instead of setting the expectations with him, or telling the coach "Who the fu&k schedules hockey games on Halloween at 8PM for 11 year olds?", she pulls me into the jet stream!
I flat out told her no. D16 chimes in that she thought it was a "crappy thing for me to do" at which point I told her to "stay out of it".
STBX LOVES to set up scenarios to make me look like the "awful, detachmed, non custodial father". Instead of just dealing with S11, the game AND MANAGING EXPECTATIONS, she pulls me into it to set me up!
She's a master maniuplator. I continue to despise her (yeah, yeah...forgivness is a gift you give yourself.......I got it, but she is such an as&hole!)
Whew! Cathartic!
In a marriage each spouse covers the other when there's a split with commitments like Halloween and poorly timed hockey games. In a divorce and separation these needs have to be broached ahead of time. Setting boundaries, like you did, is a good thing even if it makes you seem like the bad guy.
It's one thing to be asked, another to be told.
Instead of feeling manipulated, look at the big picture.. and see what works best for you, your boundaries and your children.
*hugs*
In a divorce and separation these needs have to be broached ahead of time. Setting boundaries, like you did, is a good thing even if it makes you seem like the bad guy.
I agree Gypsy. I had a similair conversation with a friend last night regarding my D11. She is invited to a Halloween party tonight, her dad's weekend. She asked me if I was picking her up from the party because dad said it was my responsibility to get her to his house. It is my responsibility to get her there Friday at 5:00....after that it is his job to take her where she needs/wants to go. D22 told me he has no intention of taking her or picking her up. My friend said if she was in the situation, she would make sure her daughter got to go, even if it means changing my plans. But it isn't my responsibility, nor is it my time with the kids. (My X threatened to call the sherriffs regarding custody violation because he wasn't going to take S10 to baseball practice during his scheduled visitation so I said I would do it.) X never said anything to me about the Friday night party for D11 and she thinks she is going. Luckily I heard D22 talking to her boyfriend and she said something about taking D11 to the party. I am so greatful to have my adult daughters who will pick up the slack that X leaves in his wake of selfishness!!!
Instead of feeling manipulated, look at the big picture.. and see what works best for you, your boundaries and your children.
I tried to tell my friend that I cannot, nor should I have to, cover all of his inadequacies! I won't be manipulated and tried to be portrayed das the bad guy either. I have very clear boundaries!!!!
You know what you're doing with your X FLTC! Keep it up!
What would you like to bet that because of the lousy scheduling there are a lot of no-shows at that hockey game anyway? I'd bet it even gets called for that very reason.
I'm back and need a bit of a "reality check".
D17 is in the middle of applying to college. She is a smart kid and seems to have the eating disorder thing in check, thankfully......
I currently give STBX $3500 a month (support for HER and child support)
D17 took my charge card yesterday without me knowing and S11 found it under a pillow on my bed and returned it to me. I was furious at D17, and felt totally betrayed.
I asked her why she took it, and she said to pay for college applications (She has applied to about 15 colleges. WAY too many, and each of them is roughly $60! She's got about a 4.2 average, but I don't believe she'll get into the schools she wants, like Princeton or Dartmouth. She's a student and doesn't do much else. She used to excel in sports and did a whole bunch of community service pre-bulimia, but no mas!)
She asked me to pay for them, after she took the card, but I was so furious, that I couldn't even respond.
She told me STBX would not pay for the applications and told her to "Ask her father".
I hate getting into the adult mechanics of a divorce, but I told D17 that I provided her mother with a substantial amount of money each month for just such a purpose. I feel this another attempt by STBX to "Squeeze me" and make me look bad.
D17 then shoots back that "You can afford to take Gym Woman out to dinner, but you won't pay for my college applications"
I resisted the urge to explode, and then informed her she was in territory she knew nothing about.
Am I way off base to insist that STBX use SOME of the $3500 to pay for applications? I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING BLACKMAILED!
Well, as someone who probably got $3500 in TOTAL for 8 years of child support (no Spousal whatsoever) - YES - she should be paying HALF! But your daughter has no right whatsoever to take your credit card - that is stealing! And you should only pay for the applications you agree to. This girl is out of hand. Her sense of "entitlement" is right up there with her mothers. Though, as the mom of a 21 year old daughter - it is not uncommon that these kids do feel "entitled" and learn to use and abuse us. It is not OK and I'd be making myself perfectly clear to her about that.
Barb
Hey FL..
You're in an interesting situation. My former spouse pays me X amount a month for alimony and unallocated child support for our minor child. He refuses to pay for anything else, sports, lessons, activities, clothing, school dues.. zip... and nothing for her brothers in college. If she asks him for something his response is, "Ask your mother." So yes, I think that your divorcing spouse should pay for a portion of what you both consider to be a reasonable, realistic number of applications. Whether or not she agrees is a different story.
This is a co-parenting issue. If you and your divorcing spouse can agree on something then you have something to work with and your daughter won't take matters inappropriately into her own hands. If it doesn't work with your divorcing spouse, then review the applications with your daughter. Carefully go over how many you feel are appropriate and decide how much you're willing to contribute to the process. It's about learning to make informed decisions and choices, a skill that is necessary in life. The remaining amount is your daughter's responsibility. You might find a way for her to work it off, but be fair. Communicate clearly as a caring but not pushed over parent.
Set boundaries and reasonable consequences for her inappropriate actions. Teenagers have a limited attention span. Keep your message short and sweet.
On the plus side she answered your questions. You're not being blackmailed, you're not being squeezed, you're just in new territory full of setting appropriate boundaries. You can dispute the charges on the card and/or just pay the ones you agree on with your daughter.
I feel this another attempt by STBX to "Squeeze me" and make me look bad
Oddly enough that is exactly what my divorcing spouse said when I suggested we split the cost of our sons college text books since they had to take out loans for school, as a gesture of goodwill. I pay half of their books on my own or all of it if they really hustled and got a good deal. It's my choice. He doesn't.
And that my friend is the issue. Separate the anger you have with your divorcing spouse with what's appropriate with your daughter. I'm no longer a couple. I do what I feel is appropriate. You're the dad, the adult. Teach your children well.
*hugs*
Gee, FLTC, sorry you have another bump in the road. It sounds like the issue goes beyond your STBXW saying "ask your father".
Your D17 DIDN'T ASK....she just took your credit card. From previous discussions I might have expected you to say that was your older daughter; I didn't realize D17 would do such a thing.
It sounds like you did a good job taking the focus away from gym woman.
D17 taking the card is obviously inappropriate. Maybe have her work off some of the charges or some other appropriate lesson. And make sure she understands boundaries for the future.
As for who will pay for all the applications, that's something to work out with STBXW. You can't dictate how she spends the money unfortunately. And these applications are not part of the normal expenses that the child support is calculated to cover. Perhaps you should counter that you will pay half if she'll pay half? Or you'll pay a third, STBXW can pay a third, and D17 can pay a third?
Hope you guys can work something out soon.
Hang in there.
The charges were just yesterday. Call the credit card company and have the charges stopped.
Then sit down with D17 and have a talk.
Is there a reason she thought she had to go ahead and go behind your back? Was she anticipating you saying No? Which of you are helping guide her through the application process, you or stbx?
It has to be treated as 2 separate issues, as Gypsy said.
You will have to have a discussion with stbx about what costs are going to be covered by support, and which will be split between you.
And D17 needs a talk about college applications, costs and real money, responsibility (does she have a job?), spending as she goes out into her future (she just seems to be set up to create a real mess when she gets out on her own - credit card companies are looking for "new meat," and she will quickly get in over her head).
Point out that her mother said to ASK YOU about the fees - not to steal your card!!
Instead of thinking that stbx wouldn't pay for any of it (which is probably true), think of it as her requesting a conversation with you about it (yes, I know this isn't likely her train of thought, but if you offer stbx something rational, maybe she will take you up on it - say that D17 said she thought you should both talk about pending college steps).
Meanwhile, if there are deadlines looming, maybe agree to give her a set amount of money, then help her decide which colleges to send applications in for.
Point out that most entry-level jobs pay roughly $8/hour - how many hours work is each application worth? Would she be willing to ring out customers at the grocery for that many hours to pay for all that she wants?
Hello reliable DB friends. Thanks for the input.
Wellllllll, another discovery. I went over the bank statements several months ago, and noticed that there was a $42,000 deposit(!) made in April of 2007, when I was at Ft. Bragg, a month away from Iraq.
Apparently, STBX had not disclosed that this money, which she claims was set aside for the kids by her father's wife for "educational purposes", when we went to court last March 5th.
Stand by..............
FLTC,
Unfortunately, it really isn't any of your business how XW spends her alimony or child support, as long as your DD is having her needs met. College does not count as such a "need," unless your D contract says it does.
So, it is probably both futile and inappropriate to try to negotiate with XW. Someone gave you great advice: decide what YOUR boundary is and communicate it to DD. You might also communicate that boundary to XW: "XW, fyi, I will pay _______ toward college applications. I thought I'd let you know as DD may seek help to cover additional costs."
Yes, XW is being a creep by not chipping in. Too bad. None of your business.
DD also needs clear boundaries. To allow her walk all over you financially and guilt guilt you into funding would not be good for her.
There are two questions:
(1) What is the consequence for the theft? Zero funding for applications? Calling the police? Signing loan papers? This is YOUR choice. If you come up with multiple acceptable consequences, then perhaps you might give her a choice between them.
(2) How much will you give her toward applications and under what conditions? 0$, $400, matching funds up to $500?? (If you go matching funds, let DD figure out how to get the moolah...) Anyway, again, the amount and conditions are YOUR choice. You can report your boundary to her very matter-of-factly. Take it or leave it. No emotion. (I would urge you, though, not to tie too many strings to the money--like trying to control which schools she can spend it on.... )
Sorry your XW isn't being a better partner. It stinks.
Hello reliable DB friends. Thanks for the input.
Wellllllll, another discovery. I went over the bank statements several months ago, and noticed that there was a $42,000 deposit(!) made in April of 2007, when I was at Ft. Bragg, a month away from Iraq.
Apparently, STBX had not disclosed that this money, which she claims was set aside for the kids by her father's wife for "educational purposes", when we went to court last March 5th.
Stand by..............
OMG, yowza! Well, clearly if she doesn't willingly start using it to cover educational expenses, it looks like a call to the L will be in order.
Unfortunately, if she doesn't decide to use that money right now to cover applications, without legal intervention there isn't anything that you can do about it immediately. In the long term, I wonder if the money can be put into a trust that you administer since XW is mishandling it.
Anyway, right now, you are pretty much where you were before with respect to how you handle your contribution to DD's application fees. XW will either contribute or not. You need to set your own boundaries. Don't let XW's antics undermine your DD's application process. Any legal action will probably happen long after applications are due. And, don't worry, there will be PLENTY of educational expenses to use up the $42000 (plus interest).
Hang in there. Take many deep breaths. Remember, this latest stuff is separate from the immediate issue with DD. Hopefully, though, XW will choose to do the right thing now that her educational money stash has been revealed. After all, she has some interest in avoid more legal fees.
Tried to edit my previous post, but it timed out. Here's the edited version....
FLTC,
Unfortunately, it really isn't any of your business how XW spends her alimony or child support, as long as your DD is having her needs met. College does not count as such a "need," unless your D contract says it does. [Edit: but OF COURSE it is your business if your XW acted fraudulently during the D process with respect to money for educational purposes, though this is a different issue.]
So, it is probably both futile and inappropriate to try to negotiate with XW [edit: unless it is about how you handle the new legal concern!]. Someone gave you great advice: decide what YOUR boundary is and communicate it to DD. You might also communicate that boundary to XW: "XW, fyi, I will pay _______ toward college applications. I thought I'd let you know as DD may seek help to cover additional costs."
Yes, XW is being a creep by not chipping in. Too bad. None of your business.
DD also needs clear boundaries. To allow her walk all over you financially and guilt guilt you into funding would not be good for her.
There are two questions:
(1) What is the consequence for the theft? Zero funding for applications? Calling the police? Signing loan papers? This is YOUR choice. If you come up with multiple acceptable consequences, then perhaps you might give her a choice between them.
(2) How much will you give her toward applications and under what conditions? 0$, $400, matching funds up to $500?? (If you go matching funds, let DD figure out how to get the moolah...) Anyway, again, the amount and conditions are YOUR choice. You can report your boundary to her very matter-of-factly. Take it or leave it. No emotion. (I would urge you, though, not to tie too many strings to the money--like trying to control which schools she can spend it on.... )
Sorry your XW isn't being a better partner. It stinks.
[EDIT: Guess we cross-posted. What a zinger re the $42000!!!]
Wow!
You've already gotten good advice - can't do anything about it in the short term, so deal with the applications now and the secret later.
There will certainly be more than enough expenses to have her spend that even if she doesn't start contributing right away.
Hang in there!!!!!!
Hey FL,
I'll chime in. The first problem is your daughter stole your credit card and charged things that you did not approve of. If that had happened to me, it would be the end of the discussion with my daughter. I would have spent the limit. Any other expenses she wants would be for her to figure out. She's an adult now. There's no excuse for what she did and at some point you have to relay that to her. What she did is not right. Maybe if she wants to spend the limit she should get a job and pay for it.
I say this only because I have two 19 year olds. One is responsible, the other is not. One has had a part-time job since he was 15 with the exception of his first college semester, when I asked him not to work and he did not. He ended up with $900+ in his account before going back to work. The other is always broke. The always broke twin can make money, but he has to work for it. He takes care of my yard, and I pay him for that, but I don't pay him if he does not work. Too bad, too sad. Life works that way. BUT, if he stole something from me, he would not be welcome in my house. And I would have to tell him that.
Last year, when my responsible twin was having to get checks from me for books and college fees, and it became a hassle, I called my credit card company and put him on my account. It made life easier. He would never charge anything that I did not approve of and he never has. Plus his credit is being built because of that. I told his twin brother last weekend that he could have the same advantage if he became responsible. At some point they are responsible for what they do and the divorce has nothing to do with it.
FL, you going to dinner is the result of your hard work and you deserve to do whatever you wish with the rewards of your hard work. Do not allow your child to dictate what you do. It's your money and you can do whatever you wish with it. You take care of them with the child support you pay every month. It sounds to me as if your D is taking over your STBX's mantra.
Just my two cents.
Thanks everyone!
Well, the dilemmas continue. The kids are supposed to be with STBX from Wednesday when school lets out through the end of the weekend. They were with me last year.
S11 has a hockey tournament in NJ on Friday-Sunday. He's got a late Friday nite game and an early Saturday morning game.
Here it is, 24 hours from school getting out for T-giving. STBX sends me an email stating that because of S11's game ending so late on Friday, and the next game being so early, she and he will have to stay over.
She has asked that D17 and D19 stay with me because "obviously, they can't be left alone". As you recall, D19 had her second beer party at my apartment last summer, and D17 has an eating disorder that seems to be semi-under control but you never know, so there is some validity to that.
STBX lives in the 3 bedroom house that I continue to pay for.
Her scum-bag lawyer boss paramour bought D17 a Jeep when I was in Iraq that STBX will not allow her to use in any way to benefit me, including driving to my 1 bedroom apartment on the days she visits me.
D19 is home from college and is spending most days working at the deli she has been working at for the past 3 years (despite her craziness, she is an excellent employee!)
I have had plans for two months to go away from Friday morning through Sunday. There's no way she would ever help me. ([i]It's not my problem. You should have planned for this and reviewed the schedule...........you know the drill......)If I was going to be at home, so problem. Sure.
This is more of a rant that an "advice seeking session".
It's about time to set boundaries with D19 and D17. I'm thinking most teenagers need to be allowed to stay in the home where they live even if mom is gone for a day, and they need to be read the riot act.
I'm NOT going to be guilted into changing my plans. As Kevin Spacey said in "American Beauty" "YOU never get to tell me what to do...ever again"
Child care during her "visitation" is her problem. Not yours... Have a fun weekend. If she's that worried... she can take them with her....right?
sandycay!
How are you! Thanks for the input. I really never drew any boundaries with STBX when I was trying my best to reconcile (ie pushing water uphill!)
Appeasement never helped anyone. Now that I push back, she has a hard time with that being the control freak she is.
Yea.. the other word for that is bullying! Well you can see by my signature that our reconcillation has failed as well. So we are in the beginnning stages of divorce. However, we don't have the issues that you have with your wife.
Don 't you work in the school system. They have a wealth of information on bullying tactics and how to deal with them. Even though they are for kids... why don't you read a little bit up on them... it may give you some ideas on how to cope and handle her bullying.
She is one angry person... sucks to be her.
While I agree that maybe they shouldn't be left unsupervised, they are both older, not 12. And it's her problem if she doesn't want to take them with her. Since it's her time with them.
You shouldn't have to change your plans on short notice for anything less than an emergency - one of the kids being sick or hurt. Neither of which applies in this case, just XW waiting til the last minute.
Hope you have a very fun weekend and enjoy the time off.
Happy Thanksgiving too!
I remembered what I wanted to add. The classic office sign: "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
Somehow I don't think it would go over well if you said that to her though lol.
btw, what was the outcome with the theft and her applications?
She hasn't applied yet, but I'm working on that.
I got an email from STBX yesterday, that I've copied and pasted. I've changed the names to protect the innocent.
She is the master manipulator. I can't believe with a trial about to happen "the smartest woman in the world" puts some of this in writing.
Check out the bold print. What do you guys think? I may be able to have the girls stay with me on Friday, BUT I HATE BEING HELD HOSTAGE!
A little background before you read this. On a weekend last May, I went to a wedding a state away with Gym Woman. I asked D17 to stay with S11 at my place. I gave her my car and enough money to have every meal out, plus enough for entertainment. Right or wrong, STBX took it upon herself to say this was not appropriate, and she volunteered to have the kids stay with her. Last Thanksgiving, she again volunteered to take D17 who was battling with the eating disorder. D19 was with me.
As to this weekend I will ask you to rethink your plans please. I took D17 last year for the entire Thanksgiving holiday because you were taking S11 to a hockey tournament. I also took the kids for the weekend when you and Gym Woman went to a wedding in New Jersey on a weekend that you were scheduled to have them even though I had plans already and I had no advanced notice from you that they needed to be cared for. It was not appropriate to leave two minors alone for that period of time. You are the one putting the kids in a very difficult position. The girls can not be left alone overnight as you well know. If I can't make other plans for the girls I have no other choice but to tell S10that he will have to miss the game on Friday since his dad won't help with the girls. There is no point in my making up a story about this.
The kids have talked to you on many occasions about how it bothers them that you and your plans always seem to come first. As their father, for their sake, I really hope you give this more thought.
ADVICE, WISE ONES????
You could tell her to hire a babysitter if she feels she needs them to have "someone" there. You have a life and you have plans that were made based on a schedule end of story. I know it would be bothering me too.
Hang in there and Happy Thanksgiving.
kat
She is baiting you. Stay in the present.
I agree, tell her to hire a sitter. Or to bring the girls with her and S10. She could actually be making it a fun trip for them, if she wasn't so hell-bent on dumping on you. Seems like you may need to point out a variation of the prior quote about lack of planning and emergencies...
If I was one of the 17 or 19 year olds, I would be insulted that it was thought that I needed a sitter.
The 19 year old is a college student. The 17 year old is months away from being one.
Sounds like she doesn't realize that children/people rise to what is expected of them...
Thanks! Donna and kat!
Both daughters are woring at their respective jobs this weekend. She just needs to tell them ABSOLUTELY NO ONE COMES IN THE HOUSE.
Can you have a family friend check up on them?
frank!!!!! Where have you been? Sure, I could have a family friend check on them, but this is STBX's duty. They are with her. Have a good Thanksgiving. How are things with you?
You two obviously have different ideas of what is age appropriate for the girls.
At 17, I had graduated high school and gone away to college. Obviously I didn't need a baby sitter. And if my parents had suggested that I couldn't be home alone I would have laughed since I was living on my own and paying for college mostly by myself.
Some people are more mature than others though, so that should be taken into consideration.
XW cancels her plans to take them because she believes them incapable of taking responsibility for themselves. She also likes being the martyr I think. The fact that she believes she has to do this because you won't cancel plans to be with them just increases her resentment of you and solidifies her belief that you are not a cautious enough or involved enough parent. It's a viscous cycle.
But having someone check on them, taking them with, or even calling regularly to check on them are all viable options that should be calmly suggested IMHO.
Don't let this get to you. It's the same old, same old. Not worth getting worked up over.
frank!!!!! Where have you been? Sure, I could have a family friend check on them, but this is STBX's duty. They are with her. Have a good Thanksgiving. How are things with you?
Should be divorced in 2-3 weeks. Other than that I'm fine. Doing my best to stop dwelling on the XW's actions and move forward.
You know I was being sarcastic with the baby sitter comment, right?? Still not your issue, her time, her problem.
kat
Hey FL..
Considering your daughters' track records.. stealing, acting out.. etc. I can see why your divorcing spouse doesn't want them at home without adult supervision. Went you went away, didn't one of your daughter's throw a party at your place?
It's perfectly reasonable for them to go with their mom or stay at a friend's house. Heck.. that's part of single parenting.
You have plans, commitments set well in advance. Define your boundaries without rancor and go from there. You can't control what your divorcing spouse says. Just know what you do is based on what is right, not righteous.
*hugs*
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AS you recall, I told STBXW that I would not be able to take D19 and D17 while she took S11 to a hockey tournament. I was available, but would not take them based on "setting boundaries"
She would not leave "No" alone, as you recall, and sent an email saying "I will have to tell S11 that he can't go to the tournament, because his father won't help" She won't leave D19 and D17 home alone, because they ARE untrustworty. I got it.
What a M.F............WHO DOES THAT!!!! I sent it to my lawyer and let it go.
Where to begin.......Around 6PM last night S11 called and said "Mom and I only need to stay on Friday night, so can the girls stay with you?" I told him that I would discuss it with his mother, not him. How did he know ANY of this!!!!
About 20 minutes later, I get two texts from him asking me the same thing.
Then he calls AGAIN!!! I told him I would not speak about it with him.
2 minutes later, STBXW's name comes up on the phone. GAME ON, HERE WE GO!!!!
She begins in her best sing-songy voice: "Hiiii! I've got S11 here and he's hysterical because you won't tell him whether or not you can take the girls" I can hear him. He's beyond sad, because NOW he thinks he can't go to the tournament.
I said to STBXW: "How dare you do this! How dare you manipulate the kids to get your way! I already told you NO. Let it go"
She responds: "I CANNOT leave the girls alone and S11 can't go if I need to stay home", all within ear shot of S11.
I NOW FEEL HORRIBLE FOR MY LITTLE GUY, WHO'S BIT&H OF A MOTHER IS OPENLY MANIPULATING THE SITUATION. I feel like I have an AK-47 pointed at my temple!
What happened next, is that I guess I just reacted out of gut instinct for him. I can't win. All of my kids have already been so manipulated.
I said to STBXW: "The girls don't have transportation" She responded "I'll drop them off". I said "Not good enough. They both work on Saturday, and I'm not driving them. I want them to have a car"
As those of you know who have followed my thread, STBX's marrried boss and her were doing the horizonatal bop while I was in Iraq. He leased a Jeep for D17, which STBX will NEVER allow either girl to use to help me out in the slightest, including driving to my place.
I figured if I'm going, I'm going to draw blood. STBX responded "You mean the vehicle that you're taking me to court over?"
I responded "If you mean the Jeep that the guy you were having sex with when I was in Iraq leased for my daughter without permission, thats the one"
Silence. "I responded "You did say you wanted to compromise....right?
Well, the girls will stay with me Friday night, with "The Jeep"
I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!! I FEEL LIKE A GUN WAS PUT TO MY HEAD BY A SICK, MANIPULATIVE WOMAN. I FEEL LIKE I JUST REINFORCED HER RIDICULOUS BULLDOZER MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR.
All I could think of was my little guy not being able to go to hockey. It killed me. You all know how I feel about him!
Of course, Gym Woman is furious with the situation too. She also said, "Well, it looks like she won again. She just won't go away. You never know when she'll just pop up again!"
She has been great. She told me "I'd be devasated if we weren't together", but how much can she take before she says "F..it!"
I go to the "Special Masters" on 4 December. How much do you want to bet that STBX manages to derail that too!!!!!
For someone who SO desperately wanted a divorce she JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
Hey FL..
You showed flexibility and the girls are able to use the car. Next time a compromise comes up, I'd ask for the girls to be able to use the Jeep freely when it comes to visiting you.
Why she didn't take the girls with her is an open question. But as far as I can tell your son has been the one who's been the most open, honest and caring through the ordeal and the divorce. And you reacted like a Dad. And in a screwy way, your son tried to deal with you directly when given the answer by his mom that she couldn't take him and have the girls at home at the same time. He communicated directly with you. And that's going to be the future.
Your divorcing wife will not be able to derail the Special Masters. The Special Masters will review the financial statements and give their decision. You'll each go in individually to hear it.. and either agree or disagree with what's offered. Bring someone along whose opinion you trust. Although that person will not be allowed in with you to the Special Masters, you can ask to go outside to have time to think after you hear the proposal. Discuss it with the person you trust (not necessarily Gym Woman) and then go back in to say if you agree or not. If either party disagrees or shows hesitation, the lawyers will usually put something out to sweeten the deal. They really don't want to go to trial.
Ran out of time.. accidentally hit 'Submit' rather than 'Preview'.
Hey FL..
You showed flexibility and the girls are able to use the car. Your divorcing spouse showed flexibility by limiting it to one night. Next time a need to compromise comes up, I'd ask for the girls to be able to use the Jeep freely when it comes to visiting you. Additionally it's imperative that you and their mother can set up appropriate channels of communication so that the kids don't get caught in the middle.
Why she didn't take the girls with her is an open question. But as far as I can tell your son has been the one who's been the most open, honest and caring through the ordeal and the divorce. And you reacted like a Dad. And in a screwy way, your son tried to deal with you directly when given the answer by his mom that she couldn't take him and have the girls at home at the same time. He communicated directly with you. And that's going to be the future with him.
Your divorcing wife will not be able to derail the Special Masters. The Special Masters will review the financial statements and give their decision. You'll each go in individually to hear it.. and either agree or disagree with what's offered. Bring the most unbiased person along whose opinion you trust (not necessarily your girlfriend). Although that person will not be allowed in with you to the Special Masters, you can ask to go outside to have time to think after you hear the proposal. Discuss it with the person you trust and then go back in to say if you agree or not. If either party disagrees or shows hesitation, the lawyers will usually put something out to sweeten the deal. If not, you go to trial and they really don't want to go to trial.
And FL.. it's great that you have an incredible relationship with your girlfriend. Remember that you're also going through an ordeal which involves huge emotions.. yours, your divorcing spouse's and your kids. It's hard to think clearly. This is a traumatic time for all, especially your children. Not only is their family destroyed but their parents are at each other's throats. What does that teach them about conflict resolution? Decisions you make and agree to will be with you for the rest of your life. Be there for your kids. You and your kids are a package deal.
One last thing.. Who are you more concerned about saying "Fu...it?" Your girlfriend, or you? And where does that leave the kids?
*hugs*
FLTC, I'm confused! You could've taken the kids but wanted to set boundaries or you had plans and therefore could not take them? If you could've but decided this was boundary setting time I'd have to question your judgement in this case. Your STBX's concerns about your girls are not fantasy, they are real and you know that. It's not outlandish in co-parenting that one helps out the other. Now, of course, she turned you down once and obviously has a onesided view of co-parenting, but you still need to do what's best for your family, not take vengeance on her for not being there when you needed it. If you did say yes you could put in a little reminder that next time it's her turn to help you out. Now, that said, if you had plans and it was unreasonable to change them then you have every right to say "sorry, no can do...but here are some suggestions". Anyway, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving despite this bump in the road. Take care.
Checking in. How are you today?
Merry Yuletide, FLTC!
//NH
Hope you had a smooth holiday,FLTC, but knowing how your life has been I suspect your STBXW caused some drama. Best wishes to you and I'll just send early New Year's greetings as well. I hope 2010 will be a peaceful year!
Hi everyone,
Its been a while since I was here. Mattie, yes, STBX did cause drama. She followed the "parenting plan" to a "tee", seeing the kids about 5 hours total over their ten day break, never asking for more. I origianlly agreed to this plan, but it's killing me, and I'm changing it before the trial...yes...trial......
I have gone to my attorney to make the parenting plan more equitable in the time the kids spend with each of us. She wants me to provide custodial care every school vacation so she can work; three weeks worth, which is not fair, because SHE is the custodial parent.
She also wanted me to take two sick days for every one she takes with the kids because I "get" more sick days a year than she does. (No one has ever said to me "Hey, FLTC, you only used 5 sick days this year. Go ahead and take ten days off!"
STBX was not interested in the offer of the Special Masters. All she could say was that it didn't give her enough to live on. I don't tink the court cares what she "thinks" she can live on. I will be going to trial on the 25th!
Here's typical STBX behavior. I was able to transfer my GI Bill to my kids. The VA is picking up 70% of two years each of my daughter's college! Awesome! The first payment was for $8000 to the University that my D19 goes to. STBX and I each contribute 5K a semester for this state school.
STBX now believes thatsince the VA paid 8K, we should both split the reamining 2K! Unbelievable! 9K would have come from me, 1 K from her. My attorney thinks I'll win this one, because these were benefits that I could have uses, but gave to my kids.
She basiclly wants to ensure that I'll hate her forever!
D19 was a nighmare as usual. She took her sisters debit card from my apartment nad ran up $300 on her sister's card. I told her she'd have to leave. I will not have her living with me. She is non-remorseful, non-reflective and sociopathic! I've had it with her.
I'll be in touch! Happy New Year!
STBX got served with deposition papers last night. Talk about rolling a grenade in the room. She told her attorney she "couldn't believe it happened in front of the kids"!
This should be the beginning of the end.
Is her boss crazy? He'll be on the stand in front of everyone telling that he had an affair while his wife was dying and I was in Iraq.
Who is so unreasonable that they have to go to trial? oh, yeah.....FLTC's STBXW.
Is her boss crazy? He'll be on the stand in front of everyone telling that he had an affair while his wife was dying and I was in Iraq.
Oh my! I have this image of Judge Roy Bean, upon hearing this degenerate's tale, whipping out his Peacemaker and terminating the guy on the spot.
FYI...Judge Roy Bean used to end all of his wedding serices with..."and may God have mercy on your souls".
Should be entertaining lol.
Ah well. Their problem, not yours.
Hang in there!!!!
Hey FL..
Merry Christmas.. Happy New Year..
Sorry to hear this is going to trial.
I was told that a successful divorce settlement is when neither party is happy with the outcome.
I hope you and your divorcing spouse find a way to help those daughters become healthy. Kids live what they learn.
*hugs*
FLTC, good to hear from you, but I was hoping for a different story! I had to laugh, though, when you talked about the way your wife wants to split money and sick days. My ex wanted to follow the "letter of the law" for money matters (I stupidly agreed to pay 50% even though he makes 4x my salary).However, he never took the division of hoidays/summer vacation seriously (he would say "that is just what they had to put on paper, it doesn't mean we have to follow it"). I think it would be wise to have a final divorce settlement after you have lived with the settlement for a year....and realize all your mistakes! Or just listen to someone like me that made so many errors just to get the agreement over with! At least my ex and I still talk!
I hope at the trial your wife will get LESS than she could have agreed on! Keep usposted!
Meanwhile, happy new year. How is your son? Gym woman?
I am not here often.....but YOU are here less often -LOL!
good luck! sending prayers your way
Time to check in, FLTC! It's been over a month now. How are you coping? I realize NOT being here is a good sign, but your cyber friends still care!!!
It must be karma, Mattie! I just thought it might be time to revisit the board!
Well, still NOT divorced. It looks like it might head to trial. Like many other STBXWs, mine feels that the offers of both the mediator and the special masters are “not enough for her to live on”. She called the mediator’s offer “an insult”.
She wants $4000 a month, even though she “works part time” under her scummy boss and makes 70K a year!
I have given in to her for 23 years just to keep the peace. Not now. Not today.
Like the Kevin Spacey line at the drive-in window in “American Beauty”: “YOU never get to tell me what to do…ever….again”. I will not give in to unreasonableness, so it may go to trial fairly soon. I don’t want to live my life being bitter that even in the end, she dictated everything, and left me with barely enough to get by.
It will soon be behind me I hope. I’m better off with a judge dictating to me how much I will pay her, because both the mediator and the special masters offered figures that I thought were fair and that I could live with, so I figure a judge may not rule so far out of line with either of them.
My personal life is great. After 14 months, “Gym Woman” and I are still together and it is great. I think I learned a lot about how to deal with my shortcomings because of my failed marriage, and with a lot of time to reflect, I think I am a much-improved partner as well.
With rare exceptions are failed relationships due to one person. It doesn’t give a person the right to use their boss for an “exercise partner” like my STBXW did or Gym Woman’s husband did with his secretary, but I don’t feel blameless in my failed marriage. I still feel horrible for my kids, and still feel that any WAS is a selfish son of a bit&h, but I am fully responsible for my part in the end of my marriage.
That aside, I think my STBX has some real emotional issues. For instance, she won’t allow D20 to bring the snow globe that I gave her for Christmas into her house, which is D20’s primary residence. D20 brought it to my old house that I pay the mortgage on that STBX lives in before she went back to college, and STBX told her she needed to return it to “your father’s house”.
She won’t allow D17 to use the Jeep that her SmarmyParamourScumBag Boss leased for her on the days that she is with me. Not to go to her job, not to drive to my apartment, not to go to a doctor’s appointment, not to go to the library because as she says “It’s for my convenience, not your father’s” (Who DOES stuff like that? Does she really want to ensure I hate her until she or I die?). If she pays a $20 co-pay for the kids, she wants the money the next day. I never ask her for a cent when I pay for stuff for the kids. She’s a whack-a-doodle!
Some even better news. I was recently promoted to full colonel! It is a true honor. Only 12% of lieutenant colonels before the board were selected. My performance in Iraq was a huge factor, I believe. For the last three years, I lived with the fact that in my deepest depression, I tried to end it all. It’s amazing how truly understanding the military can be of these things. It did not impact me at all. A true relief.
I NEVER thought I would be able to get back on my feet and dig out of my huge, overwhelming, sadness and depression. Time is a wonderful thing.
For those of you who are new to this board, I can only tell you, it gets better. I used to post about 10 times a day, and was always relieved when someone would post back to me. The names still are with me: NoHill for a Swimmer, COG, Timothy 2:23, RunningOutofTime, Frank_D (who I actually called one time!) whatis, caftan, Donna, Matilda, Gypsy, Barb, Kerry, MichelleLT….it goes on and on.
What a nice bunch of people you all are, and none of you deserved the shi&&y treatment you received at the hands of your self-absorbed ex-partners!
As I continue to regain my confidence, I much more understand of bad times, and continuously tell people “We’re all a banana peel away from a catastrophe in our lives”
Lurking. Cheering. Empathizing.
Would she like to meet my STBX-H? Today's insect name, Mr. Tent Caterpillar.
Trust me, you are looking like a much better deal at this point.
Cr@p. If I slip on a banana, it's all over. I only have one good leg to start out with, and the other one is getting an MRI today. Cross your fingers...and your toes, if you've got 'em. Peace.
Good to hear an update FLTC. Your STBXW was always one of the top loonies around here....some things never change! Good luck with eveything.
Hey! Great to hear from you! Glad things are going well for you.
Sounds like STBXW just can't live without the drama, but what else is new. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Good for you for trying to be a good father. Glad things with Gym Woman are still goin well.
AND CONGRATS ON YOUR PROMOTION!!!!!!!!!! That is totally fantastic!!!!!!
Congratulations Col. FLTC, It must be Karma - I'm spending the day at home working today and thought I'd stop by for my once in a blue moon look at the board.
FL - I also could never understand why a parent who supposedly loves his or her child would insist on venting his or her anger on the children and using them to remain angry. I have never and will never understand that. But we can't help what other people do. I can tell you this though - children grow up and they remember if their parent treated them wrong. All we can do is stay out of the drama and let our kids know that we love them. They'll also remember that.
Hope the judge treats everyone fairly.
I concur - your STBXW has some real selfish problems. Dont waste your thoughts on hating her. She is what she is and probably wont change.
I salute you on now being able to wear the eagle insignia.
I guess the only drawback about the promotion is that your new increased pay will be taken into account in court.
"Once the leaves fall there's nothing between an eagle and the stars."
FLTC, you sound great! Congrats on the promotion, sorry your divorce is still an ongoing burden. May you be a free man soon, Colonel! Btw, your posts were always a comfort to me as well. I think when we're all feeling insignificant and trampled on and when someone takes the time to check in and post to us it really does mean a lot. Keep us updated on things from time to time,OK.
FLTC - you have to change your initials! Congratulations!!
And we have come a long, long way, haven't we? I never believed those who told us our lives would get better, and that we might end up feeling sorry for (or at least relieved to be rid of) the alien-exes.
So glad life is looking up for you. Hope your S is good, as well as your D's health and behavior.
Actually, FLTC coult still work...
"former lieutenant colonel"
COL, I am so happy that you wrote and look at your responses!!!! Lots of people care!!! I am also happy to hear about your promotion!!!!!
I sure hope that the judge goes lower than the other "offers", and for only a very short time!!!!! I settled for a very length of time for support even though I had been married 30 years. The negotiating was so painful that I just wanted it over with. I was really hurt by my ex's stingyness (his boat payment was for more than he first "offered" me!). However, now that I'm two years post divorce and only have one more month of support I think it is a healthy thing. I am able to support myself and Provide help to our college daughter. I don't have a fancy car, I live in a tiny apt, but I am content.
I wish you peace and contentment, too. Any ideas on when the trial will be?
Congrats Colonel, whoohoooo!!!
Congrats from a Colonel's brat!
BTW, good insights on your role in old R/new R. I found it very helpful to keep in mind that whatever unresolved problems you had in your old R (and your partner's) will have to be worked out one way or another. No avoiding it. But, it helps a lot to be aware. When something bizzaro is going on, you can pause and ask: wait -- wth is this about anyway???? Stomp on those old dances when they crop up, learn some new steps :-)
WOW! It was really great to see all of your responses! Thanks so much.
Now that I came back,maybe I'm wrong so I need some perspective. S11 was with me on Tuesday. He asked me to sign a worksheet for school, and I said remind me later.
All it was was a worksheet where he had to reflect on his reading skills, but it was a homework assignment to get the thing signed.
He never reminded me again, and we went out to dinner and a basketball game at my school and called it a night. I forgot to sign the sheet. Yesterday was a snow day, so no school.
He called me from STBX’s house at 9:30 and said “Dad, can you stop by the house tomorrow to sign that piece of paper from the other day?”. I said oh yeah, oops, I forgot. “Can’t your mom sign it?”
Get ready for this. He said that when he asked STBX to sign it, she said “S11, this is bullsh*t! I won’t be screwed over by signing this!”
Whhhaaattttt? Are you kidding? I asked S11 to put her on the phone. She started interrogating me “Was it or was it not a homework assignment to sign the paper? Why didn’t you check his homework!” And so it went.
“I won’t be screwed over?”
What?
Ummmmmmmmmm. Okay.
Well, no clue what her issue is and why she won't help him complete his homework assignment. Guess it's up to you to be the responsible adult again lol. What else is new?
You sir, are coparenting with a jerk. I believe there is a book with a similar name...
http://www.amazon.com/Joint-Custody-Jerk-Uncooperative-uncooperative/dp/0312141130
I have come to believe that I will have to intervene whenever my x does something jerkish with regards to the kids, myself.
Recent example: S14 forgot his sneakers at his father's house, so he called him and asked if he could drop them off on the way to work. His father balked; had to leave for work early, was going a different way, etc. (he can drive right by our house). S told him he could even throw them out of the moving car rather than stopping - S would collect them from the driveway. He needed his sneakers in the morning so he could participate in PE.
X still said no - "Why is it always me that has to do it? Why can't your mother come and pick them up?" It was 9 at night, and X is 15 min drive from my house, so it would take me 1/2 hour, as I am trying to get them settled for bed...
S just looked at me.
I finally said, "S, just say goodnight and don't worry about it. We will get up early tomorrow and I will drive you to the other house for your shoes, then bring you to school, then bring D10 to school, then get to work. D10 will just have to get ready early with us and come along. You need the shoes."
Stupid. But I don't want my kids in the middle of him being an a$$hole. And believe me, S realized that his father was being an a$$hole. I don't even try to figure out why he does some of the things he does - I just do the best I can for my kids.
Maybe it is a twisted way to try to "instill responsibility" in the kids to remember their stuff? Well, it isn't their fault that they have to bounce between two houses - it's not normal! So, things are going to happen and be forgotten sometimes, and the adults have to behave like adults and take care of things.
Yeah, and he needs an extra pair of shoes.
We try to have two of as much as we can...
Going back and forth between my house and my BFs I forget stuff sometimes. Which means I have to run home in the am before work. And I'm a pretty responsible adult.
Hell, saw my old college roommate a few months ago, crashed at her place overnight, drove to the airport the next morn, was almost home and realized my jacket was still on the back of her chair. Since she's about a 11 hr drive away, she mailed it to me.
But unhappy people take out their misery on those around them.
Donna has the best response.
I finally said, "S, just say goodnight and don't worry about it. We will get up early tomorrow and I will drive you to the other house for your shoes, then bring you to school, then bring D10 to school, then get to work. D10 will just have to get ready early with us and come along. You need the shoes."
FL, you know how she is at this point. What you should have done was listen to your son in the first place. He asked you - he told you that it needed done and in these circumstances we have to do these things. Lessons learned. We have to learn that our X's are out on their own planet. If there is anything you can do to make your son's life easier, then you have to do it. That way you take her out of the drama. And you make your son's life easier.
At this point, you have to know that any disgression of yours is a point she can make her own. If you take that away, your son's life is better. That's the key. Just make your son's life better. Sons remember these garbage days. (I have 3 sons FL - I know) Give yours as little as possible. Make him remember how you made things better.
Hi FLTC,
I haven't been around much lately. I'm in Florida for several weeks. Getting on with my new life. Lovin' it!
First off - congrats on your promotion. That is a real honour and you have every right to feel very proud. And also congrats that things continue to go well with Gym Woman.
I have one of the nuttier exes too (you know that). When I finally stopped communicating with him about garbage (like what he wanted all the time despite court orders etc) I took myself out of the drama. Yes her behaviour is nuts. So is my ex's. But finally I decided to say "yes - he IS nuts. yes - he is not the guy I married. Yes this all sucks that I'm paying the price for his idiocy. yes it sucks that I single parent with no help" but this is the way it is. And I choose to stay out of the drama and deal with what is in front of me.
Try to keep it in perspective. Go sign the paper. Put your son out of his drama. Be the bigger person. It always works. Ignore her. Pretend her assinine behaviour has no effect on you. And think of it as in my situation. Mine involved medical drama. Often. Ambulances. Seizures. E.R. visits. Hospitalization. No what? he doesn't even know most of the time. Because he would just add to the drama. And should I have to do this all by myself? NO! Should he help? YES! But all he concerns himself with is "why can't I see Ryan next week when I had a late meeting on visitation night this week?" Ok - frankly - I don't give a damn that he had a meeting.
Ok - just illustrating that you CAN take yourself out of the drama. And you don't need to keep saying - "she's nutty, isn't she" Yep - she's nutty. But I think she thrives on the drama. So stop adding fuel to her fire. She will fizzle. Mine did. Now its just little flickers once in a while but so minor I just stomp them out. And you can do that too. Takes time. Takes patience. But you can do it.
Barb
Donna,
Your XH sounds really overwhelmed with life. You know how things get when even the smallest thing seems like an overwhelming undoable burden? Sounds like that's where he is for whatever reason. Or, he's just an A$$.
Hey, congratulations, Colonel! Should we just call you "C" now?
Like others have suggested, take care of the kids' needs in the moment, especially those little things that come back to bite you in the patookie. And your divorcing spouse sounds like she's on the defensive, like she's had similar lapses.
How long til the finish line?
*hugs*
First of all, I have to say how nice it is that all of you take time to post to me. I have been away for awhile, and there are so many new names left in the wake of a marriage gone bad.
Well, STBXW and her attorney are refusing to provide her 401K and Social Security statements so that we can figure out what portion of my two pensions she’s “entitled” to. Her attorney says there is a Supreme Court decision re: Social Security benefits…blah, blah, blah, blah……………….
She will take this to the wire. Reminds me of the old line from Vietnam news footage: “We had to destroy the village to save it!” I agree that a court will most likely award her less than she is being offered now.
She scoffed at both the mediator’s and the Special Master’s offers, saying she couldn’t “possibly live on those insulting figures!” Sure, if you intend on keeping the $550,000 house and not changing your lifestyle. Roger. Got it!
For the record, I showed up at 7:30 at STBXs residence and signed the worksheet for S11. D17 asked for $258 today to take Advanced Placement Exams. I told her to ask STBX if she would pay half. If she says no, I told D17, “I’ll pay it all”. I don’t care. I don’t need anything from STBX. I paid for a $60 field trip last week, and $50 in medication yesterday. I want NOTHING from STBX.
Unfortunately, crazy STBX has taken a toll on my relationship with Gym Woman. She didn’t think I should sign S11’s assignment, because it looked like STBX was being controlling. I told her I would contact the school, but changed my mind and just signed the paper. STBX was taking hostages, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t tell Gym Woman I was going to sign the paper, and I probably should have just told her in the beginning that I disagreed with her assessment. When she asked, if I had signed it, I told her the truth. (It’s never the act; it’s the cover up that gets you in trouble) She felt that by not telling her, it was an act of omission on my part, and I get that.
I told her that I should have had the courage to confront her and tell her I disagreed with her assessment at the beginning. I was so used to just not wanting any confrontation with STBX when we were together, I would have done anything to keep the peace. Being direct and candid can be helpful when dealing with a rational person like Gym Woman. She is a smart woman, but she’s in a tough situation, and I’d be at the end of my rope if I was in her place. It’s tough to convince her that I’m doing stuff for my kids, not to please STBX, but she thinks that STBX lives by the motto “Negative attention is better than no attention at all”.
She has been divorced for 9 years, and this stupid behavior is so behind her.
I explained to her that I signed the paper, because I didn’t want my son to have to be totally stressed out, going to school, waiting for me to contact the school and explain why the paper wasn’t signed.
Life isn’t easy!
PS I feel like a DB BB parasite, taking, but never posting to you guys!
Well FLTC,
Taking care of something for your son IS the right thing. And you can agree to disagree with Gym Woman but your R with your son and how you handle your arrangements regarding him are NOT her business at all. If Josh ever told me how to handle my kids - I would tell him to BUTT OUT.
I can understand GW's frustration with your ex wife - heck - I am frustrated with your ex wife but then - that is NOT your R with her. If I were you - I would minimize discussion about what is going on with your ex. And try to stay out of the drama! Josh was frustrated at my upsets with my ex in the early days but I realized it was taking a bit of a toll on our R. He also told me that the fact he continued to push my buttons was a sign that I was not truly "over" him. And in hindsight - I think he was right.
When I finally stopped letting Chuck have such an effect on me. When I didn't respond to the snap of his fingers or go off the deep end for the horror he continued to bestow on me - everything got better.
Put it this way. You KNOW what your ex is like. Just always expect her to be that way but don't bait her or fight with her. Just do what needs to be done then walk away. Funny how they stop fighting with us when they don't get the attention they crave. Liken it to a demanding, spoiled child. Hmmm - see the connection.
I'd talk to GW about this and her perception of "lying by ommisson" - how about "sparing her the gory details". I think that you need to tell her you'd rather deal with some of the yucky stuff from your past R without involving her in all of it. & she should be mature enough to handle that. JMHO.
And you DID do right by just signing the paper. You knew it was the right thing to do. Listen to your gut.
Barb
I think you give and take as needed on these boards. Never feel bad for what you need.
I am not in a relationship but I think what Barb says is right on as far as dealing with your stbx. It is between you and your stbx and no reason to bring another party into it. Vent here and let GW know that is your game plan. You aren't hiding anything, you are just keeping those parts of your life seperate for now.
hank in there.
kat
Hey Colonel!
I see the homework situation differently.. upon reflection.
You're lucky to be involved in a school system to know how things work.
Unfortunately, it's your son's, your daughters' responsibility to have their own relationship with each parent. It's also the kids' responsibility to to make sure that deadlines are met between two households. It's when that falls apart that things get dicey.
Stay out of an emotional triangle.. like the one between your obligation to your son to sign the paper, your son and your wife's reaction. As you found she'll balk at doing anything that puts the onus on her. Apologize to your son for not signing, remind him that you get distracted too and to pester you more than once if you don't follow through. Commit to doing your part of taking ownership and dealing with the person involved, whether it be teacher, coach.. etc.
If a mishap happens with a school issue, contact the teacher, tell the teacher what happened and deal directly with the problem at hand without putting your divorcing spouse in the loop. Do not involve a her if you're at fault. Remember things that were done without any problem while married crumble in divorce.
I tell you.. the 401(k) refusal sounds like a bunch of hooey. If hers isn't going to be factored into the divorce, then neither should yours. Who knows.. maybe her lawyer is churning, taking advantage of overemotional divorcing spouses with a sense of entitlement or she's forcing it. And no one cared that I wouldn't be able to afford what the Special Masters recommended. Going to trial is a crap shoot on her part. Talk to your lawyer and let them handle it.
It's tough when it comes to your daughters and reasonable requests that are asked upfront. I'd suggest telling your daughter you'll gladly pay half.. and do that. Otherwise your divorcing spouse will continue to put the burden on payment to you. Your daughter has a job and could swing the difference. Even though as parents we want to provide everything for our kids, in divorce everyone learns boundaries.. especially if you're living in compromised circumstances. However, since you already committed to paying for the entire fee if her mother refuses, it's your obligation to follow through. Keep your word impeccable with your child. The consistency helps immensely.
I'm glad you have such a positive relationship with your girlfriend. However, you're the father of your children and it's your job to raise them. She has input but not veto power. The balancing of your relationships between your kids and girlfriend has always seemed difficult. This is a time to define your boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable.
And your time with your divorcing spouse has taught you to capitulate and feel helpless in the process. Your relationship with your girlfriend helps you start anew. But you both tote your own fears along as you get to know each other.
Accept each other's warts. Don't be afraid to own up to them. After all, relationships slowly erode if fear becomes a stronger motivator than honesty.
From what you've written, your girlfriend seems to have abandonment issues. Reassure her of your commitment but that you have a responsibility as a loving father and parent. I can tell you, my former spouse cutting ties with his children is appalling, something that can never be taken back.
Decide what your priorities are and be consistent.
I think not constantly being on the board is a beautiful thing, and returning for help and support even more wonderful. It means you're living your life fully and know where and how to get help that helps.
And one last thing.. consider individual counseling to learn healthy boundaries which will lead to a better more wonder FLTC.
You're great.
*hugs*
Thanks for all of your advice! It really is taking a toll on me!
She's draining AND CALCULATING. I filed my income tax and gave D17 a copy so that she could fill out financial aid forms.
Wouldn't you know STBX got her hands on it and pointed out that I was claiming $8000 more in "unallocated support" than she had.
She may be right. I checked the IRS regulation in hindsight. We didn't have a formal court agreement until she took me to court on March 1st after I cut back my "voluntary contributions" to her. From Jan-March 1, 2009, I gave her $3500 a month because "I tried to do the right thing".
She's now claiming (and maybe rightfully so) that I can't deduct the January-March 1st contributions because we had no formal agreement!
I now will owe the Federal Government $2100 if she's right, as I suspect that she is! It's only money.............
FL,
I know exactly what you mean. It does take a toll. I have 3 sons. I know how this impacts them. Your son is what- 8 years old? I think that's right. My babies were 12 when their dad moved out. They will be 20 tomorrow. The garbage of the D still impacts them. All you can do is do what's right for them. You did the right thing by signnng that paper for your son. I know I told you about my nephew who got the dear john letter in Iraq. He has custody of his son now, but his son - a 7 year old - who now has ulcurs. Divorce harms our kids. What matters is how we respond to them. All we can do is do what's right for the kids.
I know your STBX is a loon, just as you do, but I applaud you for doing the right thing by your son. Kudos to you.
it must suck to be her, such venom! I pray this nonsense is over quickly FLTC)))))
Catching up myself and I'll just add a hug: (((FLTC)))
Mattie! You got me back here!
Welllllllll! My attorney's paralegal called me back on Friday and told me:
"I've got the Pendete Lite agreement right here and guess what? IT'S BACKDATED TO JANUARY 8TH, so STBX's claim that the money you gave her before March 1st was a gift is without substance"
That gives me the green light to claim an additional 8K in money that I GAVE HER! She's UNBELIEVABLE, but BOOYAH for me!
Tonight I called S11 on the cell phone that I bought him at 10:14, after spending the whole weekend with him! I took him to his hockey games on Saturday and Sunday, and then took him to STBX's at 7PM.
STBX flipped out and took his phone away, saying "Why is he calling you this late?! I'm going to flush this phone down the toilet!"
He went clandestine and called me on his sister's phone!
So FLTC, it sounds like everything in your life is pretty much the same as usual!
Here's a joke you might appreciate, I got it from a Pastor:
It's Sunday morning and everybody is sitting in their seats when suddenly at the front of the church Satan appears. Everyone rushes from the church in fright except one elderly man who remains in his seat at the very front of the church. Satan says to him "aren't you afraid of me" and the elderly man replies "No way, I've been married to your sister for 45 years"
See any similarities to your sitch?
ROTFLMAO.
Nice.
As usual, your STBX is a loon. Although it does seem to me that it was a bit late too, she's just exercising her control freak muscles to spew random threats.
Just remove yourself from the drama. Let her spin her wheels. Take care of you and the kids. Let her figure it out for herself.
Congrats on the tax thing! That's great!
Thanks! Great joke wii!
Well, the looniness continues. I re-wrote the "parenting plan" because STBX had the kids with me every school vacation for a week; December, February, April. I love my kids, but I was doing custodial care so that she could just go to work, and I actually had them more than her. That's OK, but then give me the house and make me the custodial parent.
When I re-wrote the plan, making it equitable (I take one vacation, she takes the next, not rocket science) she agreed because (my guess is) her attorney looked at the old plan and told her "He's got the kids more than you do, so you need to accept his proposal"
Well, she has the kids for this vacation, and makes plans to take them skiing. OK, that's good. D17 tells her boss she can't work for the next three days, and he told her if that happens start looking for a new job. (He's a great young guy who owns a deli and has a business to run, so I get that. MY D19 also works for him when she's home and in the summer)
I was at the gym last night and come out to see that I had missed 22 calls from D17!(a little OCD?) She is in tears, and asks me if she can stay with me for three days. I told her of course. She then asks STBX if she can use the infamous "Jeep" that her Smarmy Paramour Boss bought for my daughter when I was in Iraq, to get to work from my house.
STBX,in the background of the phone says, filled with vitriol says "NO! You'll have to make other arrangements!" (Translation: Your father will have to drive you, because he was angry when the boss that I was having an affair with wanted to buy you the Jeep and I'll never allow you to use it if it benefits him!)
D17 is now frantic. I just told her: "Relax, I'll take you to work and pick you up"
STBX seems to be unravelling more and more, She's out "where the buses don't run!"
I was going to make plans to reconnect with a couple of good friends from Iraq, but that will have to wait. It's all good!
Gym Woman took me to a resort-spa for Valentines Day. It was two great days. That's going great, and I may offer that this may be why STBX is loonier than ever.
She once asked me: "Don't you want to find someone who knocks your socks off?" I guess when I did, she wanted a "do over".
I hate the toll this takes on your kids. I do think you handled the D17 thing well and the rewriting of the vacation schedule. Just one question, though -
Why does your wife know what goes on with you and your girlfriend?
Barb
Might be time for a boundaries conversation, either with yourself about how much you tell the kids, or with the kids about boundaries with their mom.
Are they volunteering, or is STBXW asking? If their volunteering, might be time to suggest that maybe it's none of her business. If she's asking, definitely time to say it's none of her business, even if that means not talking to the kids as much about it.
Glad you had a nice V-day. Definitely sounded like fun.
Good response about the car. I'll be so glad to get rid of my retail job soon so I don't have to worry about not being able to go out of town because of work. I definitely sympathize with your D.
Here's how it happens. For instance last Saturday, S11 was with me. Gym Woman and I went to his hockey game and then Gym Woman offered to take us to dinner in New York along with her D19 who goes to college in NYC. We drove about an hour to Manhatten, went to a nice restaurant and went home. S11 had a great time, as did the rest of us. I'm sure he went home and told STBX all the details. Whatever.
FL,
I am So Proud of You! You did exactly the right thing. You calmed your daughter and took the crazy STBX out of the picture. Once we get over them, we usually find ourselves in a place where we don't want to fight. Once we do that, and know that our kids' lives get much easier. A car is so important to a teen. It's their freedom. So taking it away is her way of taking freedom. It hurts them, not her. Makes no sense to me. Why would she want to do that?
The car is hers. She essentially told your daughter that. She wields the power. But you also have some power. Do I think it's stupid of her to make your daughter's life miserable so she can show how powerful she is? YES. Does your daughter? Probably. Your power is being able to diffuse the situation by telling your daughter that you'll take her and pick her up. Problem solved. I'll bet your STBX is fuming. I say that only because I can't imagine a parent of a teen doing what she did. It's really, really stupid.
FL, one day your daughter will buy her own car and her mother will not be able to tell her what she can and cannot do with it. Plus your daughter will always remember now. She will remember how your reacted and how her mother did.
My oldest son sometimes wants to talk to me about things his father once did. I always listen but never talk badly about him. The X never cared really for the son he should have protected and cared for- he only cared about his own anger. He ended up having a son that does not wish to see, not want to talk to, his father. That is sad, but that is what people who are hateful get.
FL, I get a phone call at least once a week from my CG son in Hawaii. Every time, he says "Hey Mama - How ya doing?" On his way to work to go out on the boat at 5 am he thinks about me. He puts in 18 hour days at least 6 days a week and I get those calls faithfully. That is justice. That tells me that I did the right things and it tells me how important it is to just love them and let them know that we do.
D17 was very thankful she could stay with me. We had a good time. I took her to breakfast one day and lunch yesterday. It was all good.
Today is Gym Woman's birthday. I have a lot of good stuff planned. At least for today, it's all good. I'm with a woman who is crazy about me and I about her, I'm healthy, I'm writing to you guys drinking great coffee and I'm currently not in Afghanistan. It's a "Half to 3/4 Full" day!
Hi FLTC. What a treat to read your last post and know that you are happy at least for one day! That is such a good approach....one day at a time! Your kids are lucky they have their new and improved, calm, caring dad to balance things out.
Hey Colonel..
Thanks for the pep talk! It really helped. Good to hear you're a happy camper.
*hugs*
You're welcome Gypsy. Hope you're as good as you can be.
THERE'S STRONG...AND THEN THERE'S DB STRONG!
Glad you had a nice weekend! Sounds like some good quality time with some of the important women in your life.
NSTR: Nothing Significant to Report.
My attorney actually corresponded with STBX's lawyer and told him this would be the last divorce case that he does. In 43 years, her said he had never seen such a freak show as STBX and her attorney. Some statement after doing this for 43 years!
Okay, that is funny! I am sorry it is happening to you, but from this perspective it's crazy and a little amusing.
At my "settlement conference" my X's attorney said to my attorney "why do you get all the reasonable clients." His own attorney thought he was nuts!!! Of course he didn't say it in front of X, he wanted to get paid!
FLTC: I was amused by what your L said. I had been thinking before I came here today that my ex takes the cake - but then I thought of you. Hmmm...
After nearly 9 years on DB I know that mine is probably the angriest and meanest. I still can't believe how he turned on me and never does what is right by his kids. And I get no support, no respect nada.
My sis works for ex's L. They cannot stand him in the office. Everyone hides - he comes in screaming and yells at everyone. His co-workers say the same. Changed overnight when he left us.
Yesterday I saw the perfect t-shirt here at Disney for him. It had Grumpy on the front, arms crossed and said "I flunked Anger Management". Made me laugh! Keep the faith. I take comfort knowing that he is NOT happy in his "new life".
Barb
FLTC -
Haven't been here in a coon's age, glad to see you and Gym Woman are still doing well
I posted an update on FIB's thread. Life is good for me too.
Ellie
Thanks, folks! Glad to see you're all OK....or as OK as your life can be. Crazy, angry STBXs.......yep....divorce solved all of their problems. My STBX is ecstatic!!!! (ROTFLMAO!)
Glad to see her "love tanks" are now filled (Yep.....actually used the term "Love Tanks!")
kml....you've been here 3 years before me! Holy Sh*t! Glad to see life is good. At the end of the day, STBX did me a favor.
When my S, then 7 lay on his bed crying saying "We'll never be able to do all the same things we did when you move out", I've never been so close to just going "Connecticut Chimp" on her!
I don't know how they could be so selfish, but in the end, "I win"!
FLTC, my STBX just asked me to go to the cottage this summer for a week with her and the girls and some friends. She doesn't seem to get why I'm not jumping up and down with joy at the prospect. I said "I think it my be difficult for me to do, seven days is a long time" and she says "you have vacation time don't you?" Apparently, she's way off in la la land! I tried to explain that "emotionally" it might be difficult and then she hit me with guilt "we don't spend much family time together with the kids anymore" Gee, maybe that's because you didn't want the marriage anymore!!!! Yup, strange creatures.
Are you sure it's not a roundabout way to open up R talk?
If you are sure, then it's her "cake eating."
My W's mom has a trailer at a campground and last summer, for the first time since the kids were born, I didn't go down. I was specifically banned by W.
Problem is W and her mom aren't strong swimmers and like to just sit around on the deck or beach. I was always the one out playing in the water.
So the girls missed me and asked about this summer. I told them I'd come down if W asked me. To me, it's just about spending time with them.
But a whole week? No. I wouldn't do that either.
Wii,
"Family" time? Is she kidding. She really lives out "where the buses don't run"! She doesn't seem to get the devastation she caused, and the emotional heartache she caused you. Why doesn't she bring her new "friend" so you can have "extended, blended,upended family time"?
Sorry to hijack, FLTC,
Wii - that is crazy! She is keeping you in Limbo and "cake walking" for sure. She left the family. That means it is no longer a complete family.
My best advice is to distance yourself further. Spending time in a "mock" family situation is not only very unhealthy for you - it also sends a weird message to your girls. They are most likely struggling enough with all this.
You will never move forward as long as she is keeping you on a bit of a leash. You need to make a vacation plan with the girls on your own. One that does not include their mother. She sounds like one very controlling woman who wants 2 men. My guess is that she is extremely insecure and will likely end up with No One!
Take care of yourself, Wii!
Barb
Sorry FLTC, didn't mean to start a tidal wave on your thread! I should take this over to my thread. Thanks everybody for your thoughts.
Hey Colonel..
A few of us are planning on seeing a show at Western Connecticut State University in Danbury this Saturday at 8PM. Gardner's son, (a professional actor), is in it.. and it will make for a fun evening. Let me know if you're interested!
It'd be great to hear your sense of humor in person!
*hugs*
Gypsy,
OOPS! I guess I should read my thread more often! Unfortunately free time is nonexistent these days. Keeping a lot of balls in the air, and fumbling them often.
I've never seen anyone as controlling as STBXW! A couple of weeks ago, you may all recall that S12 was with me, and asked me to sign a test.
I forgot, so when he asked STBXW to sign it the next morning when I dropped him off, she flipped out on him saying "I won't be screwed over like this" (Huh?) ,and refused to sign the test because "it was a homework assignment that he was responsible for ON MY WATCH".
As you may recall, I stopped before work to sign the test, so S12 wouldn't stress out. I called her the night before and asked her if she was kidding. All she could say over and over and over was "Was it or was it not a homework assignment!" (What's the frequency, Kenneth!).
A week later, STBX texted me and said "Please do not call S12 or text him after 9PM. If it's an emergency, please go through me". Are ya' kidding?
Two weeks ago, I was away at Reserves. It was S12's birthday on Saturday. I texted him Happy Birthday at 5AM, then went into a windowless building the rest of the day. I called S12 at 6PM, as I knew he would be on his way home from his hockey game. We talked for a couple of minutes then I asked to speak with D17, who was in the car as well. She talked for about 30 seconds and said about three times "I have to go! I'll call you in a few minutes!" (What?)
Se called back, and I asked "What was going on?" She said "Mom made me hang up because there was not enough conversation going on in the car among the family" (Huh?)
D17 then called back and asked "What took you so long to call S12 to wish him a happy birthday?" I KNEW THIS WAS STBX TALKING.
I asked D17 if she was the spokesman for the committee that decided when I should/should not call S12, and what my allotted window was, where I wouldn't be scolded. She immediately got it.
The latest eruption was the other night. STBXW and S12 got into an argument because her best freind had given S12 an American Express gift card for $50 for his brithday.
S12 asked STBX if he could put the $50 toward an XBox for my apartment (I live on the 9th floor of a city apartment, where he is kinda confined when he's with me, so there's nothing to do).
She responded "No. That card was given to you by my friends and you may not spend it on anything that doesn't stay in my house" (This is a no sh&t story!)
As you recall, she will also not let D17 use the Jeep that her "Smarmyparamourscumbagbossthatsheshavinganaffairwith" purchased for my daughter, if it in anyway benefits me. I have to take D17 to work and pick her up, take her to friends houses, etc. when she is with me, while the stupid Jeep sits unused!
Understandably, S12 got upset, and according to him told STBX "That's stupid", at which point, she threw a plastic bowl at S12, barely missing his head.
She then went to the computer table, and threw his books on the floor and screamed "Clean this crap up and then go to your room!"
She then did her usual act of storming out of the house and not returning for an hour or so. She used to put wine in a plastic bottle and go to the beach, drink the wine and smoke cigarettes!
There really ARE some marriages that can't or should be saved. It's hard to believe that four years later, I believe she did me the biggest favor of my life. I DO feel sorry for my kids!
All I can say is wow.
I wonder if that's our future -- at least a little bit.
W is very insecure and always would get upset when people liked me more. I'm a reporter for a living. I'm good at asking questions and starting conversations. W is reserved and uptight in social situations.
She's said on a couple of occasions that it upsets her that "I'm the fun one" with the girls and that they "like my style" better. I try not to get upset or yell. Look, I'm not perfect. I fail at that. My temper is one of my biggest weaknesses. But when I compose myself I apologize and they know I'm working on it.
So I worry down the road that she'll start pulling crap like FLTC's ex. But I'll just have to wait and see.
FLTC, aren't your kids old enough to decide who they want to live with?
I was wondering the same thing. In most states it ranges from 12-14 that they can ask the child and use their input to make the decision.
FLTC, I've been a silent lurker for a while since G-Woman speaks so highly of you.
Gypsy,OOPS! I guess I should read my thread more often! Unfortunately free time is nonexistent these days. Keeping a lot of balls in the air, and fumbling them often.
Glad you're keeping a lot of balls in the air - all good, I hope.
I almost chimed on the day of your "going Connecticut Chimp" comment; almost fell out of my chair with that one!
Time for me to de-lurk: I've enjoyed your humor and benefited from your common sense.
Re. the birthday gift your son received. I wonder what the gift giver would think about the restrictions her friend is putting on the gift. Unbelievable!!! When I hear stories about your STBXW it makes my ex look like a Saint!
Hey, FLTC, one thing I thought I'd tell you. When I'm down I sometimes use the name of your thread "It's a marathon, not a sprint" to lift me up.
Hey all,
I'll try and visit the sites of those that recently posted to me.
The latest in the STBX "CONTROL FREAK" saga. S12 and D17 were with me last night. D17 asked S12 this morning: "Did you call mom last night?".
S12 is usually so laid back, I need to check for a pulse. He said "On no!" and started crying and punching a pillow on my couch" I said "What is THIS all about?" He replied "Mom will yell at me because I didn't call". I said "You forgot, so what?"
He retorted: "You don't understand, she'll flip out because I didn't call". I replied "Why? It's not like you're in Afghanistan. You saw her on Monday night?"
D17 then interjects "It's his mother, she wants to hear from him".
D17 suffers from the "Stockholm Syndrome", where she is terrified of her captor, and therefore sides and idenitifies with her. (Also, if she pis%es off STBX, the now infamous "Jeep" is taken away)
I remember years ago....2001.....an episode where D17 then 8 years old had an incident with STBX, where she said to STBX in a terrified voice over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry".
This was the first time I actually stood up to STBX and said "I know why she reacts that way. No one wants to feel your wrath!"
STBX then responded to me "So, I'm a shi&&y mother?" (Wha' hapeen?)
I wanted to say "The phone I bought him also takes INCOMING calls, so the psycho bi&ch from hel& could have called him....but that was just in the "thought bubble" above my head, so no need to cyber-scold me!
S12 wimpered all the way home, as though he was going to the gas chamber.
I dropped him off and ten minutes later he texted me, "See, I told you this was going to happen. It's so stupid". STBX actually reamed him because he did not call her the night before. While you all think I may be embellishing these stories for a "sympathy vote", this is JUST what happened. Ya' can't make it up
She is an awful human being. It's good to see how an impending divorce has made her a better person. I also don't think she's overjoyed that I'm happy and found someone that I'm crazy about.......remember....she's the one who said to me on July 31, 2005: "Don't you want to find somebody who will knock your socks off?" (Yechhhhh!)
The really sad thing is that is going to go on with them into adulthood. I can't imagine that someone that isn't at least a bit sadistic would even think this way when it comes to their kids.
Mind games can be even harsher than physical punishment. I know.
kat
kat,
I often refer to the line from "Born in the USA" by Springsteen, when I describe how I felt at the end of my "trying to make it work",and how I now think about my kids:
"End up like a dog that's been beat too much, so you spend half your life just a coverin' up"
(BORN IN THE USA, BORN IN THE USA!!!)
I think it might be about a year away when S12 tells STBX how he REALLY feels.
He's a pretty gutsy kid (He recently whacked a 16 year old kid who is a high school sophomore across the back with a lacrosse stick, because the kid was mercilessly picking on one of S11's friends and made him cry!)
It'll be ugly.
Your son will indeed rebel against his mother as he progresses into his teen years. My brother's son did the same as his mother was an angry controlling person just like your whacked out STBXW. It got to the point where they went back to court and my brother got full custody. Oh, and my brothers X is now deceased from an apparent suicide - the anger, alchohol and drugs consumed her.
That sucks that your kids are still stuck dealing with the drama.
I wonder if there's more ways you can insulate the kids. Maybe remind them to call? Or even throw yourself under the bus and tell STBX that you guys got busy and you sent him straight to bed after?
Hey FL..
It's tough to watch what the kids go through in their separate relationship with their other parent. And trying to fix it doesn't do a thing for them.
The warrior reamed my daughter one time when she'd forgotten they were supposed to have dinner one evening. (I'd bought tickets to the American Idol tour that night only after confirming that she wasn't busy.) That it was her responsibility to know her schedule.. yadda yadda yadda. I was squirming like a worm on an electric hook with thoughts like: What a frickin' jerk.. how can he be guilting her when he has a secretary and legion of folks to keep him organized, as a dad making something happen is his job!
She was shaken. After she got off the phone she said.. you know, it doesn't sound like he was in the car. I think he forgot he was supposed to pick me up.
I sat on my hands, gnashed my teeth as quietly as possible.
She felt guilty, but enjoyed the concert that night immensely. And she saw beyond his BS.
I had to get over my own angst (I'd forgotten how completely drenched in guilt I always felt) and just be the mom. When she asked about what to do, I asked what had worked best in the past with their get togethers, that maybe having a schedule would work. And that it's a two way street.
It's tough... but being there as a sounding board on how to deal with difficult situations is one of the best gifts you can give your kids. And let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be a helpless old lady being wheeled into a nursing home by children who hold grudges.
*hugs*
PS.. and it's so good to hear 'you'..
G-Woman,
It's tough... but being there as a sounding board on how to deal with difficult situations is one of the best gifts you can give your kids.
Exactly. Sounding board with the occasional "innocent" thought-provoking or putting-back-in-their-court questions. Let them ruminate and draw their own conclusions (when it's SO easy to give them OURS!)
And let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be a helpless old lady being wheeled into a nursing home by children who hold grudges.
Ouch! And Amen. Interesting perspective, to say the least.
The set-up is cruel - why would you expect an 11 year old to make the phone call? That responsibility should be on the adult.
In our sitch, each parent calls the kids at about 7 each evening. I even ask the kids if I am interrupting (if they are busy I just say love you and pretty dreams so they can get back to their life). X is more demanding about speaking to them at length during "his" time, no matter what they may be involved in.
Maybe you can tell your son that he can make that suggestion to his mother, as a way to address and resolve the problem...?
Don't you both have to go to a parenting class?
Yes, CT mandates it. But just because you go to a class doesn't mean that this woman will actually take any of the info to heart. It is sad...
Yes, CT mandates it. But just because you go to a class doesn't mean that this woman will actually take any of the info to heart. It is sad...
True! I should have thought of that before I posted.
Mattie,
Donna is right. Three Wednesday nights won't make your personality less "disordered"! She didn't get this way overnight.
OK....when will this thread lock......I've never had one go for so long.......maybe cuz I post less?
Annnnyyyyyywayyyyy...........got into it with GymWoman last night. Trying to keep too may balls in the air, and some of the egss occassionally fall on the floor.
STBX was, at one time, going to be deposed again today, after her lawyer brought the last one to a halt trying to settle. Gym Woman and I went to NYC this weekend, saw a great play, and stayed in Times Square. A really great time.
When she asked me last night if STBX was going to be deposed tday, I said "Oh. I don't know, I forgot to check"
I always defer to my lawyer. I hadn't heard from him, so I figured it was off.
Gym Woman is apopplectic and now thinks I'm delaying my divorce and stringing her along, despite a year and a half of good times (except STBX's behavior) As though I can call my attorney and say..."NO! I want my trial NOW!"
From my standpoint, I'm just letting the lawyer do what I hired him for. Because I am not being super-aggressive, she feels I now don't want to get divorced. Now, it couldn't be further from the truth. I can't wait to un=as& STBX It's never easy.
Some days, it was easier being in Salah-a-Din Province Iraq! A successful day was doing your job and staying alive.............
Um, I know that you have been having a great time and all, but.....
red flags are flying everywhere, here.
A danger of getting involved while still married, I'm afraid. Hopefully she will calm her sh!t - desperate isn't attractive (we have learned that the hard way!)
Man, I think I've gotten pretty jaded.
Take care of YOU, and your kids.
IMHO Donna's right on the money.
Gym Woman is apopplectic and now thinks I'm delaying my divorce and stringing her along, despite a year and a half of good times (except STBX's behavior) As though I can call my attorney and say..."NO! I want my trial NOW!"
What's the rush? You are no more or less married when she started dating you. You guys got marriage plans? Be careful that you're not signing up for another dose of what you see in your rear view mirror....
Make no major changes or decisions for 1 year post D - best advice I ever received....
WT
I guess I broke that one buying a house! LMAO
Maybe Gym Woman had her second thoughts about her D and thinks you are too. She obviously is projecting some kind of insecurity onto you.
Maybe stepping back would work. Tell her she's right, you need to focus on the D. So you won't see her for a while so you can spend more time working on it. LOL.
I think she fell for my rugged good looks, my incredible well-developed sense of humor, and my love for God and country! (I'm kidding.........)
She got "Blind Sided" just like Sandra Bullock! Her husband left her and her kids in the dust for a secretary who dumped him after she had an affaIr with a guy whose wife just gave birth to twins. She was unhappy TOO, but never saw that coming!
He said the secretary was his (here it comes...wait for it.....WAIIITTTT FORR ITTTTTTTT......... SEND IT!).................."Soul Mate" OMF$! Governer Sanford and the Appalachian Trail!!!!!!!!!
We're ALL gonna look over our shoulders forever........
Oh FL, I live in SC. I voted for that damned man. He deluded me into understanding my X more than anyone ever will. Here was a man who related to so many, then didn't care about anything he ever SAID he believed in because he found his "soul mate". So he was a person who ws not really real. He allowed his libido to impact his actions nd his sons will pay the price for decades. What a creep.
That jerk is history. He is so incdonsequential. There is not a human in this state that believes he means anything. We hope he moves to Argentina and leaves us alone. Really. We hope that one of his soms one day becomes the man he was supposed to be. This man is a coward, just like smarmyboss.
Hey Folks!
Thanks for looking in on me. Just another "third-order effect/collateral damage" to divorce. D17 (Now D18 as of last Saturday!) just got accepted into one of the best colleges in the nation (Not Ivy, just below) She's gone through hell and back with her eating disorder. She's worked like a dog since 5th grade at her own hand to get into a good school. Maturity beyond her years. She has expressed interest in going to medical school, but who knows. A 4.3 student (OMG!)
Anyway, $50,100 a year ! Yep Sticker Shock. If we were not in the throes of a divorce all 80% of STBX’s salary would easily take care of this, bit it’s not to be had. Even with my GI Bill transfer, scholarships and loans, it won’t come close.
Yep. She got accepted to UCONN as well. Great school…got it, but another opportunity taken away. I try to explain do well in a good school, don’t acquire a huge debt, and save it for med school. I know it can be explained to her, a growth experience, school of hard knocks, that’s life…I got it…..but….just another “could have been”. Things will work out. I really understand that, but the ONLY reason she can’t go to her school of first choice is divorce.
Have you talked to the financial aid people yet? Top schools want the students they pick and a good many of them have a policy of figuring out something that will work so that they don't lose a student for financial reasons. This is, BTW, why Ivy's don't give merit scholarships anymore, but only need-based assistance.
Hey OT!
I just noticed you have been here even longer than me! WOW! WHY are you here on a Friday nite? I have a great glass of wine (and have had two more!)
Yeah....I'll give them a call. It's Boston College! I work in a public school, and one of our guidance counselors said that BC was really picky this year, so I'm very proud of D18!
She's such a sweet kid. It's just frustrating, cuz if we were an intact family, we could do this. SO short sighted (By the way.....I coud never live with STBX ever again. I could nver make it work....We all hav our "Chu Hoi" (don't shoot----I surrender) moment)
However....life is great! Gym woman continues to love me to death, but be frustrated by me not being divorced. I get that as well. I'd probably feel the same way. Her XH called her last night and asked if he could defer his alimony payments because....you'll love this.....ARE YOU READY??????
He's divorcing his third wife,(of 3 years!) Gym Woman was #2. He owns a huge real estate company here on the stupid east coast! He had a pre-nup and if they went beyond 2 years his "new" wife gets 400K! This is her third marriage as well, and she seems to be great at marrying and subsequently divorcing wealthy guys! An awesome cottage industry. Well, fellow Delta Bravoers, have a nice weekend. Here's a direct order to all of you:
Go have a great glass of wine!
yup...my 4 years undergrad at a nationally top ranked school cost less than 2 years at a community college....
need based scholarships
also...the top schools in the nation are doing a great program...10% of the parents income is the expected parental contribution
and
just because that is the tuition does not mean that that is what her expected contribution will be...fill out the FAFSAs which I am sure you have and see what the package result is
Hey figgeroni!
Welcome! The names are so different here from 4 years ago!
It would be awesome if you could set up your STBXW with gym woman's soon to be single again XH. The accounting of the flow of alimony and child support would appear like some sort of ponzi scheme.
LMAO
Some really great people in this world.
Glad things with gym woman are good, just keep telling her it's moving along and will be done sometime this decade LOL.
I can't even imagine having the money to go to a college like that even with my intact family. My parents paid my car insurance while I was at school. I worked and went to school and took out financial aid to make up the difference.
If she wants that school bad enough, she'll do it. Just cuz you can't hand it to her on a silver platter won't hold her back. She's just gonna have to work for it like every other person who doesn't come from some rich six-digit income family.
Just checking in....nothing to add, but wanted to say hello, FLTC
WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE! MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES. READERS ARE ADVISED TO USE CAUTION! THIS IS AN ALL OUT, NO HOLDS BARRED RANT!
Haven’t been here for a long time, but just have to vent.
My STBX is such a controlling, manipulative individual. I really hate her with every fiber of my being.
D18 just got accepted into Boston College. She’s battled back so hard from anorexia, and it was a dream of a lifetime! It’s also 51K a year!
First, I had to send amended taxes to their financial aid office, because STBX did not claim and additional $1,800 I gave her. Because it was outside of the court order, she is saying it never happened!
That cost me an additional $600 to the IRS.
Today, the housing fee was due at Boston College….$500. D18 asked if STBX would pay half. She responded “I paid for the SAT Prep course”, so I can’t pay it. D18 was in tears. I have 13K in legal bills, because this has gone on for 2 years!
I wouldn’t pi&& on STBX is she was on fire! Another set-up. She told D18 that I had to be “on board” for her to go to BC. She KNOWS it’s 51K a year, and she’s just laying in ambush waiting for me to say I can’t afford it.
I don’t give a sh&t. I paid the $500 plus another $150 to UCONN where she also got accepted. UCONN is giving her 13K in financial aid out of 21K, but she has her heart set on BC. I won’t be held hostage by that bit&h!
At the end of the day, BC will not give us nearly the aide UCONN did (which is a GREAT school!) The UCONN offer is too good to pass, up, but I paid the $500 to BC just to wait and see what they might give us.
I bet it’s no more than 5K. Another case of collateral damage done by divorce. I will have to have the tough conversation with D18 that UCONN is the way to go, but in this part of the country, kids are stupidly entitled. She will do well no matter where she goes. She wants to go to medical school. I told her to put her money into a great med school, and take UCONN for all it's worth!
Wow. That sucks. It really sucks that your daughter is stuck in the middle.
Yeah well, you know STBXW won't cave. That would require her to maybe sacrifice a little of her sense of entitlement (wonder where the kids got it from LMAO).
Money doesn't buy everything.
And in 10 years where she went to undergrad will be a couple lines on her resume that most people won't read. It's great that you are trying to give her every opportunity, but you have to know what you can afford. If that means she accepts student loans for the rest, then that's what it means. She'll have to make the decision.
Nothing in life gets handed to us on a platter.
The best things, we work our butts off for.
She'll have to do the same.
She'll get past all the BS with your help and guidance I'm sure.
I'll go to UCONN! Does it have a drinking hole (that accepts Canadian dollars)? What's the football team like? Do I get to live on campus or will you find me an apartment? Thanks to you FLTC I'm gonna GAL big time. Let me know when to pack! Yahoo, I'm goin' to UCONN
UCONN just won the woman's NCAA basketball championship. Football just went big time a couple of years ago. Brand new Division I stadium. Big time men's basketball, too Big East team. Since I'm 54, it might be tough to do the paperwork to claim you as a 52 year old dependent, although we could try. Hey, it's just a new type of "blended family"
If I was 18 again, I would sell my soul to go back to UCONN. I wish I was a 24 year old kid coming off active duty with the full GI Bill! Full tuition plus spending money for beer, and all you have to do is survive two or three tours in Iraq or Afghanistan!
wii, thanks for the disarming post! You got me to laugh and be "unangry", but isn't she one miserable human being
Yes she is! Hang in there FLTC.
Hey, does this mean I'm not going now? I probably couldn't get that much time away from work anyway.
FLTC, seeing as how we're virtual neighbours and such, I'd like to do the right thing and ask your permission to trash your thread while you're out doing that divorce stuff. Sol is really missing the old days when we'd hijack a thread that lay dormant for a few days and party!!!!Where do you keep your liquor anyway? And if you find anything broken when you get back, Sol did it!
FLTC, seeing as how we're virtual neighbours and such, I'd like to do the right thing and ask your permission to trash your thread while you're out doing that divorce stuff. Sol is really missing the old days when we'd hijack a thread that lay dormant for a few days and party!!!!Where do you keep your liquor anyway? And if you find anything broken when you get back, Sol did it!
FLTC, think of this as you hosting my first frat party... and we promise to leave the toilet seat down!
Well that's considerate since there are LADIES present! LOL! Well - for many a year we would do the party thing and see how fast we could close a thread - often we could do it in a couple of hours. I remember a particular Halloween Party thread in 2003! (remember - this is my 3rd DB persona - my orignal registry date was Nov 3 2001!).
So I've brought some bacon wrapped scallops and cheese stuffed mushrooms. Along with Frozen Margaritas. Now - who's ready to Salsa???
Barb
War stories and food too, welcome aboard SFO! Btw, I've changed my mind, we're leaving the seat up... no, we'll just rip that sucker right off 'cuz it's a frat party! Now, where the hell is Sol with those munchies? He's probably lost in cyberspace somewhere again. I told him to turn left at the first thread on the right...
Wow, another old-timer. Actually, looking at the registration dates, all of you. I betcha I've got the earliest date though...
Barb - what was your ID in 2003, if I may ask. If you were around in Halloween, I probably knew you too.
I don't know man, we definitely had toilet seats at my fraternity house. I mean - you have to actually LIVE there, you know?
The beauty of this party is that we don't have to live here! It's FLTC's place so we just party hardy and blame the damage on his STBX...it's a brilliant plan! Has anybody seen his corkscrew?
You all remind me of my D19 who had about 10 of her knot-headed little friends at my apartment when I went to a wedding two summers ago. I found a couple of beer bottle caps under the couch (Bud Light Lime.......rallllpppppppphhhhhhhhhh!)and vomit on the bathroom wall.
When I confronted her she told me a couple of friends were there, but there was no drinking. I told her that one of her friends had a bigger problem then, because she must have been urinating carrots, since that what was stuck to the bathroom wall.
She did the same thing again two months later, and will never stay with me again because of it.
Please turn off the lights when you leave my thread and clean up the bottle tops......and carrots.
Crap, he's home. Sol, start screwing the toilet seat back on...and get his underwear off your head! The back door is this way...uh, and so sorry about the verbal diarrhea all over your new rug...sh!t just happens at frat parties, ya know.
So, my original registration date was in 2002, but Barbie was already here.
FLTC, what happened with BC?
Sorry I didn't post sooner -- I had to wait for those noisy smelly beer boys to settle down.
Sorry I didn't post sooner -- I had to wait for those noisy smelly beer boys to settle down.
That was Sol, I was smokin' dope and therefore quite mellow.
Pass the stuffed mushrooms Barbie and somebody make me a Blacberry margarite.....it's been a bad week! (And it's only Thursday!!)
FL..
Think of the ... carrots.. as a gift from caring people. After all, that vegetable is good for your eyesight. And what better way to consume them then.....
Uhhh.. never mind.
*hugs*
Pass the stuffed mushrooms Barbie and somebody make me a Blacberry margarite.....it's been a bad week! (And it's only Thursday!!)
Sorry BND, all that's left are the magic mushrooms the Hobbit brought, but they are quite enchanting if I do say so myself!
The party's dying over here and Sol hasn't even showed his sorry ass yet! I think we move the party over to his thread and mess with his tatoo equipment. Yahoo, over to Sol's thread everybody. I got dibs on the toilet seat! ROAD TRIP!!!!
Geronimo: I was originally "TravelBarb" but in 2003 I was BarbieDoll which was my persona until I got the boot in Autumn 08 along with many good friends from one overexuberant moderator. (I'd better not say more). I was on the MLC bb for the first couple of years but came to Surviving in '03.
Barb
Sorry all - I left the munchies on a tray because I was headed to the cottage.
Wii was it you and Tom that mentioned "Elwood Epps" one time? I passed by there today and always think of that. I've never once stopped (not much into hunting - LOL!)
Cold tonight. But beautiful just the same.
Barb
Tom was the "Elwood Epps" guy, I don't even know where it is! Have a great trip and don't worry about the munchies, we'll go through Sol's cereal, see if there's anything good...I wonder if he has Captain Crunch, made with whole wheat goodness?
Sunfun
What??? YOU were given the boot?? say it aint so! LOL
Woot Hoot for the oldies !! lol
OK! Cease fire. Back to business.
It's 2AM and I'm staring at the ceiling. STBXs attorney and mine almost had a deal, and like Freddy Krueger, STBX's hand comes out of the lake AGAIN!
She had the house appraised back in 2009. As of Friday, she now says the house has depreciated by 50K, so the assets need to be renoegotiated.
Trial is set for the first week in May, and she is yet to be disposed. As you recall, in the middle of deposition in January, her attorney thought he could get her to agree to a settlement, so the deposition was stopped by my attorney. WHAT A MISTAKE!
Three months later and about another 5K in legal bills, ang she is STLL not happy with the agreement. I once shot back at her "I've got 65 cents in the ashtray of my car that I forgot to declare". She is IMPOSSIBLE. There is a pathological quality to her inability to settle this. It's like she needs the drama of is so "Entitled" to what she "DESERVES" that she can't/won't let go.
I cannot continue like this. I need this DONE..........She has already been granted an extension because she changed attorneys! WTF!!!????
Hey C...
She sure is a busy beaver, Santa style.. going over the list with Grinch like precision...
Getting a new lawyer always equates to an extension to allow counsel to come up to speed. So your lawyer has to complete her deposition tout de suite.
And if she adjusts the figures for the house, then all the other assets have to be updated.
Based on my divorce with a spouse who changed lawyers, from a reasonable to an exorbitant one, make sure both of your legal fees are based on your individual division of the marital assets. You don't want to get stuck paying her fees.
As always.. thanks for the images...
*hugs*
Well FL, some things never change. I have to tell you that this might be an opportunity for you. I just had my house appraised because I refinanced. I was pelasantly surprised - and I'm an appraiser! - just not a residential one. An appraisal is an opinion. For about $300 you can get your own appraisal done and I would suggest that you do so.
Please suggest to your L that you have an appraisal done on your behalf, or jkust sell the thing. Sometimes these people screw themselves. My X (before he was the X) had his friend come into the house to appraise it without my knowledge. He appraised it high because he thought I was buying out my X. But my L got hold of that and the X then wanted to remain in the house, so he had to buy me out. Maybe she should sell - then you would know the true value of it - that is the only way to tell. That way there would be no buyout and the proceeds would go to the two parties. After all, she brought this up.
Divorce shouldn't be so hard!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Everyone,
Thanks for the look-in! Mattie, in my last email to my attorney, I ended it by saying "Jack Welch, the CEO of GE had an easier time getting divorced and he was worth $720,000,000!"
Divorce shouldn't be so hard!!!!!!!!!!!
^^^ No kidding!!
It will be over. Eventually. You will be able to look back and have it done.
Hang in there.
Settling is usually cheaper than trial, but at this rate you might as well just push forward with the trial just to get it over with LOL.
Can't say I'm surprised by her actions. She's tried just about everything else, not like this is a new low for her or something.
Try not to let it get to you. You have your life, it's just cleanup.
all ok??? (or as ok as can be as you go through your crazy divorce!!!)
FLTC, hope you will give us an update soon.