Okay, I'm divorced. XH had an affair and after a year and a half of reconcilliation, I threw in the towel. Couldn't do it. So now I am divorced and hate every minute of being alone. Oh, did I mention, I got engaged to a wonderful man but I had so many issues that our relationship went south. As he said he was a wonderful person but unfortunately, I hated being with him. I wasn't ready.
Anyway, along the way, I lost my job and sold my house. I felt like I was drowning. Fast forward, I have a great job now which I'm grateful, but it's going to take a while before I have my self esteem and confidence back. My ex - well, he lives in a very exclusive part of town, has a new BMW, new boat and back with the bimbo that broke up our marriage. How is that the wrong doer seems to land on their feet, while we the victim, seems to have a dark cloud that wants to follow us around?
Well, I am divorced and I'm trying to be optomistic about my future, but at my age (52), it's scarey.
I remember you some, it's been a while. From what you tell of your life the problem is not what is going on around you (relationship,jobs) the problem is within you. Seems you had at least 2 chances to be happy but that your issues didnt' let you.
Forget about x and what he is doing, I dont' know the whole story but if he's back with her is because he was free to make that choice, you threw in the towel, dont' be angry at him now.
You are not a victim, as long as you perceive yourself to be one then there will be always a cloud around you.
You are blessed with a new job, and if you were able to get engaged there is no reason why that can't happen again, the thing is you need to work on your issues, mainly letting go of the past and hostility which will erode your soul if you harbor ill thoughts about x, he isnt' the main problem.
Being optimistic is an everyday task, is convincing yourself that you'll do finel...eventually your mind will catch up. Soul search and forgive, I have just realized how harmful it was for me to remember every indignity x put me through when he was cheating on me, remembering just made me angry and bitter, I was teethering myself to him, and that's the last thing I want.
I am a victim. I didn't asked to be cheated on, I am not the perpetrator, so I must be a victim. I don't dwell on that fact, I've actually accepted it, but it is what it is.
I am trying my best to be optimistic and you're right, it is very hard. But I am a survivor and I will endure. I had two chances to be happy? Hmmmm, happy with someone who cheated and lied to me for a year, then to add insult to injury, stole things that belonged to me when we split up the house? Oh yeah, I should be happy with someone like that. Engaged? Good guy, but even though I had my issues, he certainly had his and together we were poisen and in the big picture, it would have been miserable. I tried to be happy with both, forget about what I wanted and tried to make the other person happy. Well the heck with that! I have decided that no man will ever do that to me again, so for now, I put men away and concentrate on getting myself back on my feet. Yeah, I'm bitter. I gave up my youth, my money, my soul and my heart only to be trampled on. Well, no more. I know that I need to work on getting rid of my anger and bitterness and I'm commited to do it, but it will take some time and I'm not going to beat myself up about my feelings anymore. I've accepted the way that I feel because I need to feel. The only thing I'm doing right now is to allow myself to feel it and then put it away until I feel like I need to revisit it. Hopefully those times will become fewer and fewer. I'm counting on it. So it has been said, time heals all, well its been since 2005 for me and frankly, I'm not much better. Yeah, I don't let it consume me, but it's still a big part of my life and it has forever changed me. I am not longer confident, don't have the self-esteem I once had and certainly don't trust a whole lot anymore. It's awful for a person to suck the life out of someone. I'm working on all of this and it will be hard for me, but I will be damned if I let my emotions get the best of me. I'll continue to do what I'm doing until I can truly tell myself "enough is enough" I'm just not there yet.
Hi Gwyn, I wondered how things were going for you. I am sorry that you didn't find any relief or happiness in a D.
You have plenty reason to be bitter, but wallowing in it doesn't help.
Your XH might be looking like he has a great life from the outside, but who knows what is inside his cover.
Start turning your life around one step at a time. What will make you smile today? What will give you a positive feeling?
Ok, so I see that during the reconciliation part he was cheating (didnt' know that, sounded different on your first post) that's another ball of wax, since I've btdt I understand where you are coming from. So it was for the best that the engagement was called off if you felt you were just -yet again- trying to please someone at your expense.
Not all men are like the lying weasels our xs are hon, I haven't meat one yet, ha ha, but there is still good people out there, dont' let that dork rob you of that knowledge.
Trust will come back, bit by bit. Our emotions tend to hijack our brains now and then, but as it happens it's good to realize "hey, I'm feeling down today, but that's ok". We can't be strong forever, just keep in the back of your mind that you will rise up stronger, I know you will.
Hi Ms Gwyn,
Oh my goodness, lady.. Why take a shower of bitterness, anger every day?
Did you ever read "Not JUST Friends"? That changed my perspective on ex's affair. In one section it speaks about forgiveness, that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Why? Because bitterness, which is pain in another form, can wreak more havoc than your ex-spouse's actions.
What he did hurt deeply. What you're doing now is going deeper and farther than any of his actions ever could. It doesn't hurt him that you're in misery. It might even make him feel better (if you even happen to cross his thoughts). Just remember, you're giving him prime real estate in your mind. Is that what's best for you?
I often thought of Katrina victims. They had no clue that their homes, city would be so deeply destroyed, wiped out. Now their situation really sucked. I looked at mine.. I have my health, my children, my family. I lost the lifestyle I once had but what I have is mine. Stuff, material possessions, are just that.. stuff. What is important is what's intrinsic, what's within you.. your love, your goodness, your smile, how you care and give. Dust off your sunshine for a day or two. Give yourself a sponge bath of happiness in between those angry showers and compare the difference.
Baby steps with a smile. You're worth it.
*hugs*
Gwyn, I totally agree with Gypsy. You're only a victim if you believe that you are. That thought can hold you back.
You are very much still in the anger phase. I always likened the process of grieving a divorce to the process of grieving a death. There are some very similar patterns to both. And it is a death, even if it isn't a physical one. The "death" of a relationship is very difficult and takes time to recover. It almost sounds like your engagement was just a tactic to stop feeling bad about your divorce instead of really wanting to be available emotionally for someone else.
You are still processing a lot, and it takes time to heal. You are struggling. Focus on yourself and emphasize what is good about you, to yourself!
Been there, done that, D'd in 2003 after nearly 25 years of marriage. Getting happier each day that passes, too. Give yourself time!
Gwyn,
While I was in Iraq, I saw a TV news segemnt on a woman who survived the holocaust, and totally forgave her captures to as she said "Make sure I didn't live my life as a victim". It's NOT easy, but you know what? "Good things cannot continue to happen to bad people".....like your XH and his paramour. Karma is a powerful force.
You seemed to have found another guy quite quickly. I'm sure another one will come, but you need to do a lot of recovery and repair! Most of us on this board have been residents of the "Island of Misfit Toys" at one point, but everyone I read has gotten so much better over time, INCLUDING ME! I was a basket case in 2005. Even spent some time in the "Silly Hospital" because I was so distraught. Yes, time (and the wonderful people on this board) are great resources!
Thanks all. I know you mean well. First, I have to clear up something. I don't know if my x was cheating on me while we were reconciling, but looking back, he had to of. He told me that he didn't know where the OW was, nor had he heard from her and didn't know how to get in touch with her. He also said he would never, even if our marriage broke up, want to see her again. Divorced, and lo and behold they're back together. She was here the whole time. (she had supposedly moved to the other side of the US). It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Yeah, I know I'm still in the anger phase. You know the story from rags to riches, well, I'm the opposite. Only because I put my heart and my trust in men, marriage and the sanctity of marriage and in the end, I got screwed.
I did get into a relationship really quickly, I thought I was ready, but looking back, I was overwhelmed with life problems and I had very poor coping skills and my anger was transferred to my fiance. He had enough and pretty much threw me to the curb. That was another blow to my ego, deserved, but on my butt for the 3rd time. When does it stop?
I know I need to recover from all of this, but I really don't know how. I don't even know what I want at this point. I don't trust my judgment and I honestly can say, I don't know what "I" want! And, I don't know how to fix that!
Have you tried IC for your codependency and childhood issues yet?
Oldtimer, you remember me!!!
Yep, tried that and treatment for PTS.
Al anon? What is that?
Oh yeah, I don't have anymore health insurance and I don't have any disposable income. Times are really tough for me right now.
Hey, ot, talking to me?
I'm on almost 2 +1/2 YEARS now! (Wow, I just counted that up!!!!)
Gwyn, IC is a good idea. The other thing to think about it getting out there to try things that you used to enjoy a long time ago, or things you thought about but were "too busy." You will figure out what you want as you learn more about yourself, who you really are, what you value in your life and what makes you happy.
I've been at it a long time, now, and I can say that there are moments when I am literally jumping up and down with joy and excitement, usually when I am doing something really fun with my kids, making my own art, or teaching.
Its all about refocusing your thoughts on YOU every time your mind wanders to anyone outside of yourself (what they are doing, what they are thinking, especially if it is negative or judgemental).
I was in IC for a year. For me, it was a bunch of exercises to retrain your thoughts. It cost me a lot of money and I just don't have that kind of money anymore, not to mention they want to meet during working hours, which I don't have the luxery of taking time off to go.
My ex finance, well, we're still talking and let's see, I've been called cheap, a user, a taker, I didn't meet his needs, I was in it for myself with no concern about him. OMG, we're not even together anymore and I still let him do this. I'm letting him vent, and I don't know how to stop this cycle except for not talking to him anymore, and I can't seem to get there.
I don't want to do this anymore! I don't want to have this low opinion of myself, but with all the crap I've gone through the last 2 1/2 years, it's no wonder I feel so overwhelmed. I just need to breathe, I need to stop obssessing. Oh by the way, I am OCD and that's very hard to overcome. And, my ex fiance is worse than I am, so we're poisen together. Yet, I let him bring me down, all the time. Why do I do this? Why do I let him? How do I stop?
Al-anon is a support group for people with family members who are/were addicts. They can help you with your co-dependence issues. They are free. And they have meetings at night.
As for XH and XF, they don't seem to be adding positively to the quality of your life, so exclude them from it. Quit interacting with them at all.
I don't think anyone in my family was addicted. They may have had some issues with drinking, but I don't think they were addicts.
I've been reading and explored co-dependency when I was in IC and even thought I may have some of the tendencies, but I'm not toally co-dependent. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see where having a significant other in your life, to share and to love is wrong. I believe it's a problem when you think that being in a relationship makes you feel that you're a whole person. I don't think I do that. With that being said, I like being in a relationship. I like the security, the companionship and someone that you can count on. That's not co-dependent is it? If it were, then all married people are co-dependent.
No, having a significant other is not co-dependence.
However, it seems to me that you are very co-dependent. You are still making your life about XH and XBF in very unhealthy ways. You acted very co-dependent in your M.
I don't really have any advice for you other than to continue to seek help. Al-anon would be a great place to start. If you aren't comfortable after you start going, someone would probably know of another co-dependent support group of some kind in your area. At least al-anon is free, meets at night, easily accessible, and of great potential benefit to you.
To be blunt, there is the same kind of denial/resistance/nay-saying/poor-me-victim stuff going on in your posts now as there was when you were posting before.
You are stuck. You need to work on yourself. D didn't fix you (told you so). You don't have a BF at the moment to blame for your unhappiness. So maybe now you will work harder on yourself and your own issues from your childhood that are damning your current Rs.
And, for me to be blunt, I don't need to be "fixed" I'm not broken. I did check on the al-anon meetings here in town and guess where they are held? In the psycho hospital which I have no intentions of stepping a foot in. Look, I have life trouble. Not over the top trouble. I know you mean well and maybe I do need to work on myself, but guess what? People are victims at one point or another in their life. There isn't anything crazy about that!
Okay, I came back to the board to vent, catch up, and to journal. I don't need for someone to sit in judgment and tell me not to feel sorry for myself. Why the hell not? I've been through a lot. And, I'be been through a year of IC. I'm done with it. I've spent hundreds of dollars and guess what I got for my money, let's see..... oh yeah, nothing.
Okay so I have issues, who doesn't? I'll get over mine, always have and I suspect I always will. One day at a time......
A very weak excuse this time... What is wrong with setting a foot in a mental health hospital? That is simply where al-anon meetings in your area happen to be held. So what? It is simply a convenient meeting space, no doubt.
Yes, everyone has issues. But you are in great pain. Be good to yourself by trying to do something about it.
Just a thought.....you had a year of IC. With the same therapist the whole time? Any possibility that you got nothing out of it because it wasn't the right therapist for you?
ot says things that are often hard to swallow, but she did help me immensely. Al Anon has online meetings, as well. There is a ton of literature, some that can be found in your local library. There are other 12-step programs also available, including co-dependence (CoDA).
I found this when I did a simple search:
Being involved in the twelve step program involves working the steps. Working the Twelve Steps involves: admitting to having a serious problem, recognizing there is an outside power that could help, consciously relying upon that power, admitting and listing character defects, seeking deliverance from defects, apologizing to those individuals one has harmed and helping others with the same problem.
As said prior, the original twelve step program began with alcoholics Anonymous. It was found, that when an individual did adhere to the principles of the twelve step program quality of life improved within the family unit. This resulted in approximately fifty different twelve step program groups. The reason for this is simple. The beauty of A.A., why it works so well, is that the people involved in the program have themselves gone through recovery and understand the problems current participants are experiencing. For this reason, groups for different substances arose. In addition, other groups that deal specifically with behavioral problems sprouted up as well. The twelve steps are used to work out problems like: sexual compulsion, gambling and even dealing with debts.
You sounded like you were hoping to find help, to find peace, and make your life better. There is a way to do that, but you have to decide it is what you want and be willing to do the work to get there.
Please feel free to vent - we've been there, and each of us has to walk the path on their own time table. You will stay in this place as long as you need to. The prior suggestions are only those, suggestions, if you want to get to a different place, perhaps faster and with less pain, than if you just let time pass.
btw, I did (and continue) IC, participated in STBT (short-term behavior therapy), and AlAnon. AlAnon provided a huge support system and did a LOT to make me feel better / show me the pieces that I was missing. You'll find the same messages, presented in slightly different ways, over and over, as you work to make your life better. It depends on how open and receptive you are to them.
12-steps are free.
Great suggestion on coda Donna. Here's a link to their website, it looks like they also have meetings:
http://www.codependents.org/
I'm sorry you feel like you are being judged G, I think that's the last thing any of us is trying to do.
What we are trying to say is that "staying" a victim wont' help you. Yes, we've all been victims of very selfish people and we've been hurt, our next step is to use what's happened to us as a stepping stone to a better life. I have seen 3 different Cs, the last one was the best, everytime I left his office I felt I made progress. That's the rule of thumb, if by the 3rd visit you haven't had any progress then it's time to get a new.
To paraphrase from the book "healed without scars":
"...the underlying cause of T's brokenness was that she had lost sight of her true reason for living...she was driven by the wounds of her divorce... Her purpose for herself had been to have a relationship with her exH. All her dreams had been wrapped up in him. That is why, when the R failed, she had felt lost...
...I asked her if she'd forgiven her H for leaving her. "I will never forgive him" she said. "then he will always be in control of your life" I replied...
..FOrgiveness is a release...if she didnt' forgive her H it would be as if she were tied to him by a rope for the rest of her life...her anger was not affecting him one way or another.
She was wasting her anger on him when she should be angry with herself for allowing him to control her life.
The greatest insult was not the fact that he had left her. It was that she was still holding on to him with her anger long after he was gone...
God wants to heal you of youR pain and restore you to His original purpose--demostrating the same creative power that He used in forming the world...the enemy desires to restrain you and cast you into the furnace -- not a physical binding but a binding of the spirit; not a physical furnace but a potentially tragic circumstance...his desire is that the entire ordeal would ultimately destroy your faith, kill your hope and seal off your promise, leaving you wounded and scarred for life...
You have been created for wholeness, victory, recovery and breakthrough...a life of wholeness without scars..."
Here's a little truth. My ex-fiance is very angry with me. He said I used him, took advantage of his generosity and that I'm cheap. He wanted me to pick up some of our entertaintment expenses, which I didn't because I simply couldn't afford it and he told me that I should have done what he was doing and taking it out of the bank. I guess there was some truth in it, but I was very scared. I had lost my job and I wasn't in a place where I thought I could spend money like he was. And, maybe I'm wrong, be I was the invitee. I never asked for anything. So I guess I've put a lot of blame on myself, I should have been this and I should have done that, and I should have been more caring, I should have, could have, etc. So I battle myself and now that he's so angry at me, he really belittles me and I take it because somehow I feel like I deserve it. And, if I may be so blunt again. We fought about sex a lot. I wasn't meeting his needs and he was taking all the financial responsiblity and wasn't getting anything in return. I can't explain it to you other than I really shut down with him in every way. And, he pounded on me constantly about our sex life that I became more and more depressed. Fast forward, he still wants to work things out and I'm trying, but he's putting a lot of demands on me because he tells me he wants what he wants and he won't settle for less. He states that there's a lot of women out there who won't cause him so much grief in the bedroom. Anyway, if the truth be known, I'm trying to make this relationship work when I know in my heart that I'm compromising myself just to make him happy and my life easier. I know with him, I won't have to worry about him cheating and he'll always be there for me. At the same time, he demands my weekends, no family events (without him) because the weekends are all that we have.
Okay, as I type this, I realize that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, huh?
Yes, very. And the guy sounds like a disfunctional, abusive, irresponsible a$$, pretty much like your XH. You are recreating that R to work out the issues in your life that really have little to do with either of them. Work those issues out without XH and without XF. They are both toxic men for you. Go to al anon, or the codependents group. Get help.
Gwyn,
I can tell you that it is much easier to see this from outside the sitch, but you really did make a startling revelation yourself, today.
It is an unhealthy relationship.
Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet - you aren't married to this one!
You can set your standards much higher than just being with someone who won't cheat on you.
Tell the guy he doesn't have to "settle," he has to move on.
It is better to be on your own than trying to turn yourself inside out trying hit a moving target - it takes a lot of time to find a comfortable place with that (because it is different, doesn't feel familiar). I thought I was actually going through withdrawal...
I know with him, I won't have to worry about him cheating and he'll always be there for me.
I had a M kind of like that too. And I realize part of me thought well with the way he is, at least he'll never leave me b/c who the heck would want him? But you know what, he managed to find an OW as messed up as him. So if that's your only reason for staying in the R, I don't think you have any reason!!! Karen
run for the hills hon, if he is like this *before* he is married to you, imagen what would be like if he is your H! he'll just own you then!!
Do you know how many of us in this site thought our Ss would never ever ever cheat on us?? I thought the world would end before x would've cheated on me.
How can your life be easier which such a demanding overbearing man? a good H cherishes and treats his W with respect and consideration, builds her up and protects her, is that how you are being treated G?
You are in an abusive R, please take care of yourself.
Thanks all for your support!
Why do I feel so dang guilty about my R with my ex Fiance'? I feel like I was a total monster with him. He tried to make me happy, but in the end, I just couldn't get there with him and I really don't know why. I think he did all the right things, but for some reason, I just didn't engage into the R like I would normally. Soomething wasn't right with it and I couldn't and still can't put my finger on it. I was a total depressed slug around him. I didn't want to clean the house or do normal things. I had no desire, no energy, I felt nothing and that is so unlike me. I really can't figure it out.
Gwyn, you feel guilty about the R with your ex-fiance simply because you have not yet learned to shore up your own boundaries and new coping mechanisms in relationships. You are repeating your past. It's really clear to me at least!
He tried to make me happy, but in the end, I just couldn't get there with him and I really don't know why.
You cannot really and truly let someone into your life, and accept there love unconditionally, until you have learned to totally and unconditionally love yourself. IOW, no one can make you happy, you decide that you are happy and you act accordingly. A relationship can't be the only "happy" thing in your life. You are depressed. You are beating yourself up, focusing on the past, and engaging yourself in non-productive thinking. You have to find ways to focus on the good in you and remaining grounded and in the current moment.
Have you gone to see an IC? What support have you got beyond this board?
K has it right, you prob need treatment for depression, you are beating yourself up harshly and obviously you were not feeling ok while being with him.
As far as him trying to make you happy I'm not sure... he pretty much told you what an awful lover you were in a cruel way, a loving partner would've just parted ways amicably and not try to pound you into the ground about how he wasn't satisfied.
I had a depressed partner and the last things I would've done was to recriminate him about how poorly he was doing and how he didnt' satisfied me... all I cared about was his well-being, to be there for him for the long haul and to do all I could to lift him up. That's what a real partner does.
Here's what I've been pondering. I don't need to be in a relationship right now as I have nothing to give I've been letting life control me rather than me controling life. For now, I need a network of friends, not someone who wants me to be at the beckon call. I want a friend! Which is something that was lacking with my ex-fiancee and what I had with my ex-husband. My ex-fiance wasn't my friend. He did what he thought was right so I'm not being insensitive to that, but it wasn't what I needed. He continued to tell me his needs weren't being met but you know what, neither were mine so our relationship suffered. It's okay. I know it's the best thing for both of us. I'm sad, yes, I'm scared, yes, I'm confused, yes. But even that's okay. Right now, I need to get to a place where I'm comfortable with me before I can be comfortable with someone else. Which frankly, I don't know how to do and that's okay too. It's a challenge and I take it on. My ex-fiance is full of venom right now, he despises me, even though he tells me that he loves me. Not love in my book, if he loved me, he would let me talk about my feelings which he won't because he tells me that "I need to get over it" In a sense he's right, but I needed a shoulder and he wasn't offering it. He is a negative person and I think what would be best for me is to surround my self with positive. And that my friends, is my new goal.
How's that sound?
That sounds great! XF was not your friend, he is not your lover, there is no reason to have continued contact with him.
As for how to get the support that you need, clear suggestions have been made, so I won't repeat them.
awesome! that's much better
hope all is well with ya!
All is not so great. Not horrible, but not wonderful either. My XF and I are talking and we were getting along better until.......he started asking for something that I'm not comfortable with and now he's right back to the blame game. I didn't do this, I'm not this, you treated me bad, this is all the stuff I get from here. IT STOPS NOW!!!!! I really am done! I simply cannot take it anymore so in my opinion. I'm done.
Gotta go for now and I'll keep you all informed. Thanks for asking Cat.
if this R is not bringing anything but grief then you have to ask yourself why do you still communication with such a toxic person hon, take care of yourself)))))) some people have some sort of void/unhappiness that they fill it with making others as miserable or try to shift the blame elsewhere.
"Okay, as I type this, I realize that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, huh?"
Why do you persist in damaging yourself in this R?
Why do you persist in damaging yourself in this R?
A) Because I think he's wonderful other than........B) Alot of my decisions are based on fear....C) There are good qualities about him that I really like....... D) when we first became a couple, it was WONDERFUL! He was more than I ever imagined, but something went horribly wrong. I still have yet to put my finger on it. It's weird and I guess I stay in this R because once upon a time we had something wonderful. Unfortunately, I was not a nice person to him. I didn't appreciate him, I was angry all the time. And for the life of me, I don't know why I behaved the way that I did. It took its toal on him and he bailed on me. He saw the very worst of me and I guess I don't want him to remember me like that. I'm not that kind of person yet for some unknown reason, I couldn't stand being in the R and so rather than me talking to him, I became mean. And that is not my character. I don't have a mean bone in my body, but I was to him. He didn't do a dang thing to deserve it so I've let him tell me off more than once because I thought I deserved it and if the truth be known, I probably did. But I've taken my licks long enough so I want it to stop so we can go back to the way it was. Does this make sense?
Quit trying to prove that you are "good enough" for an abusive person. (1) It will not get the abusive person to change back into who he acted like at the start of the R, (2) an abusive person is not good enough for you.
It is pretty darn clear that you are recreating bad Rs because you are stuck in replaying very old hurts. Get some help.
I know this is going to sound weird, but I feel as though I was the abuser and he took it for a very long time. I feel as though he is now reacting to my abuse. Help me sort this out. I'm confused.
This is a guy who you have known for a short period of time in a short-term R. You are not responsible for his abusive behavior. It is NOT your fault that he is that way and you will not fix him.
Hmmm. Let me try again. I’m not making excuses for him. I’m trying to find out if I in fact am what he tells me I am. I lived with him for about 8 months. He paid all the bills, cooked all the meals, cleaned the house, etc. I literally went to work and came home. I didn’t contribute any money to speak of. I’ve already told you that I was not a very nice person to him. Anyway, going to bed at night was always something I dreaded because I knew what was about to happen. Fast forward, he just couldn’t take it anymore, he said I took advantage of his kindness, he told me that I used him financially, that I was a taker, etc. As a matter of fact, if he were posting this instead of me, I think you would tell him that I was what he describes me as. But, I will say this. I have never done that to a soul. I’m not sure it’s in me to do these things he accuses me of, but I do see his point. I’m just trying to figure out if I am, in fact, the one that abused him. This is really turning point for me so I need to really hear unbiased opinions.
Depression is very crippling and, having lived with a depressed person, I totally see how it might've been when you two were together, it is like living with a zombie. But again, no matter how x behaved at the time I truly cared for him and since Sep. 2006 til of Jan 08 (on and off) I was there for him even when he gave me nothing. I never rubbed it in his face, I never told him how much he took emotionally from me, he was ill and I choose to stand by him.
so I've let him tell me off more than once because I thought I deserved it and if the truth be known, I probably did. But I've taken my licks long enough so I want it to stop so we can go back to the way it was.
He had the right to say "you know what? this isn't working, we should part ways, I am unhappy with this situation", he had no right to verbally abuse you and drive you to the ground because at the time you couldn't give him what he thought you "owed" him.
You know how Rs begin, all is great and beautiful and perfect at the beginning. Once you guys moved in together reality set in and you two learned about each other for real, the not so flattering sides of you came out. You now have learned how he truly is, he is a very vindictive and angry person when someone wrongs him.
You want back your sweet boyfriend from the first weeks/months, when there were no strings attached and there were no responsibilities. That is not going to happen because the infatuation has run it's curse, accept that what you see is what you get, this is how he truly is, he didn't get what he wanted so he lashed out.
You want someone to tell you that this is a salvageable R, you really want this to work even if this person is toxic and is doing you emotional harm, I dont' think anyone here agrees this is a good person for you hon.
A) Because I think he's wonderful other than...
other than him being abusive?
You were (are?) depressed, you were perhaps not the best partner with him but that did not make you an abuser.
It sounds like you got into the R before you were emotionally available; not really fair to him. Was he abused? No - you didn't MAKE him do these things for you, did you? You wanted someone to take care of you, which he did, without giving anything in return, because you didn't have anything to give. You didn't want to be intimate - just cared for.
You are not ready to be in a R. Neither am I. You have to take care of YOURSELF, all on your own, be complete, before you can be a partner to another, choose to be with someone else. Not need them, or them needing you.
Heal yourself. I can see why he's pissed, but you teach people how you want to be treated - he shouldn't be surprised at your treatment of him. Sounds like he learned a lesson, and he did, too (maybe). Move on. He's not going to go back to being nice-nice, and you need to take care of yourself.
Wow, wonderful posts. Thank you so much.
I understand what you're telling me. While I was shutting down, my XF told me to see a counselor, but I didn't think it would be productive because I thought the problem was him, not me so I wouldn't go. I suggested that we go together, but he said it was me that needed to go.
Anyway, I have been battling this for so long and I'm tired. This R is not fun, it's way too much work. If I don't zip up my mouth and give him what he needs then it won't work. He does tell me however, if I meet his needs then I'll be the happiest person in the world.
Here's my question. How do I break up civilly? I don't think no contact is the best approach. I think it's more humane to just express my concerns. Suggestions on how to do this? I've never done it before.
if I meet his needs then I'll be the happiest person in the world
that has got to be on the most selfish things ever said by a man.
Just expressing your concerns... G, this goes beyond just expressing discomfort, is about cutting yourself loose from this person, for both your sakes.
Guess there is no perfect way to break up with anyone, you have already apologized tons and have let him have it at you--so the only thing left is to tell him one last time that you are sorry you got into an R with him before you were ready, that you do care for him but that at the moment you have not healed well and can't be the person he wants you to be. My guess is he'll lash out at you so make sure you let him know right away that you can't and won't allow that kind of talk with you anymore. You can do it.
I don't think you need to apologize for not being who he wants you to be.
How about: "I've realized that we aren't a good fit in terms of what we would like from each other. This R doesn't work for me and continued contact with you as a lover or a friend is not healthy for me. I apologize for my poor behavior at some points in our R. I wish you well in the future. So, I am choosing to say goodbye. I'm sure to miss you, but please respect my decision to end this R. No more explanations, no more arguments, no more criticism or demands from either side -- there is nothing to work out because our R is over."
I love you guys. You make it sound so incredibly easy. I wish it were. I have so much blame here. We've tried to cut off contact a couple of times and I got scared and pretty much sold my soul and begged another chance. Now that he gave it me a second, third, forth, try - crap, whose counting, if I cut lose now, he'll absolutely hate my guts. I swear, I feel as though I've played a game with him and I really don't have a lot of respect for myself right now. I knew I didn't want to be with him long ago, but I hung in there because it was easier. I have to end this, and as much as this is going to sound stupid, I'm in so far, I really don't know how to end it without him hating me, which is something I really don't want.
If he hates you, so what? I mean, it is a sad thing, and something that we as people hope others don't get caught up in, but that is HIS CHOICE. How he feels about you is his business - you don't have to worry about it anymore.
Does his hating you mean anything about who you are, who you want to become? No; if anything, it might be a glimmer of a reflection of who you were then, when you were with him - let it go so you can grow past that and change what you don't like.
Trying to "soften the blow" in any way will just leave open doubts, fears, etc., for him, which is only playing MORE games. Tell him you need to heal and grow more, and are really considering the counseling that he suggested, but that you have to end this for both of your sakes.
It sounds like you've accepted your part in this (and it is only one part, remember - he went along with a lot of it, and didn't have to). Now is the time to work on it, on your own, so you don't repeat the same issues again in the future.
Oh, and its not easy. I had to do something similar, but with a guy I had only 3 dates with. I felt terrible telling him I didn't think it would work; I wasn't feeling a romantic connection and realized that I wasn't emotionally available. Unfortunately, it had little to anything to do with him, and I told him that. I imagine it will take more courage after having a R that lead to an engagement. But, you AREN'T married. (Think, Big Girls Don't Cry by Pink).
Everyone is giving you excellent advice. One more piece: Try living from the inside out. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, cares, feels, or does. That does not define who you are. You define who you are and if you are happy, sad, and so on. It's a mighty big, and impossible, job to live up to what we think others should think about us
I read a great article on Bea Arthur when she passed this weekend. It talked about her being a "broad" but in the best sense. She didn't live to collect or dwell on what others thought. She lived to be the most creative, happy, and intelligent person she could be. Your job is not to make others hate you, like you, make other people's lives happy, etc.
Gwyn,
You can never be good enough, perfect enough, sweet enough, etc... to make broken abusive people love you properly. They can't love anyone properly -- they may blame it on you, but it is their brokenness, and you can't heal that for them. Not now, not 2 years abo, not 10 years ago, not 20 years ago, not 30 years ago, and not 40 years ago...
The good news is: you can certainly have a wonderful R with the right person at the right time, and it won't require contorting your being. Think how nice it would be to give up the contortions
! What do you think?
***Gwyn=Contortionist-no-more***
not to insult you G, but now I see how you are acting like x when he was having an A with then-ow and just couldnt' stay away, they broke it off, went back on, off, on, she was toxic and mentally imbalanced but he just couldnt' stay away or bare with the thought she would hate him. It costed him/me our M.
He felt so bad for what he had done (the lies) that he thought he owed her (and boy she made him feel that way too, even asked for money as "penance" for all his lies!). It was just awful because he didnt' man up to tell her good bye for good nor could tell her he wasn't D. He didnt' want to look bad so he strung her along for MONTHS in an effort to: spare her feelings... making her heartbreak even bigger when the truth came out and she talked to me.
As our then MC told me, it was a fatal attraction.
He ended it with her with more lies so it would seem like it was her fault and not his, and sure enough he hated himself for that too.
So honey, it won't be pretty, he wont' be happy, but think long term, he will get over it and move on just like you will... with time.
I need to run something by you all. I was talking to my friend last night, just venting really and the more I talked the more I realized that I don't have a R with my XF. He started in on me last night about how I stress him out so again, I have to ask why does he even bother with me? Anyway, I want to move on. I am letting him control my decisions and I feel as though my life is on hold. This weekend, I'm going to seriously look for a place to call my own. I've been so misplaced for a year now and I'm done with it. I realize the only person that can change things is me so I have to be strong and make it happen.
Cat, you're right! I do feel as though I owe my XF something. He pretty much insists that I do. To a point where he wants me to do things that I DON'T WANT to do. I even said to him that I didn't but said that I would consider it just to keep peace. Not to mention he told me that if I really cared for him, I would want to do things for him. OMG, what the hell am I doing? This is pathetic! I have never, ever been like this so I really don't understand what has happened to me. My XH's affair really has affected me more than I thought.
Okay, I don't like who I've become so I'm changing that! I just need to figure out how. This is my struggle. I really and truly don't know how to change this. I've never been in this position. I've always been self confident, success driven and won't settle for anything less than what I want and yet I've become a desparate, pathetic woman. Kind of like my XH OW. She did and still is doing everything just to keep him in the game. I certainly don't want to pattern my life using her as an example.
I want to make strong decisions. Yet, I'm so beaten down that I don't trust my judgment.
you can begin by trusting yourself. Remembering that once, before xh and xf you were a happy confident woman, go back to basics. Find a place and make it your own, surround yourself with good people, find your old gal pals, join a church, and *stop* talking with him so much! this will never end, you must end it cold turkey. I swear, it's just like x and then-ow, somehow they kept in touch, he wasn't supposed to call her but he did or she did and on and on it went.
Change your phone #, move farther away, do something, anything! get the ball rolling.
Hello all Just a quick update. I'm actively looking to buy my own place. I've decided to live somewhere I've never lived. A clean start, new surroundings, new life. Good-bye to my old self, hello to the new woman. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." I'm not looking for a man, a relationship, nothing. I'm looking to fall in love......with me! Once I'm there, then maybe I'll have room for a special person. But, they are going to have to be special. No more compromising myself or my beliefs. Looking back, I've had my eyes on man, which has been my downfall. Men have cost me my youth, money, energy and my individuality. I've always thought my job was to make sure the other person was happy and I always thought they were. But the problem was, they weren't happy with themself, which filtered down to me and made me unhappy. I will not fall for that trick anymore. My goal is to surround myself with positive and people of like mind. No more looking to make a relationship work. Either it's good or it's bad and nothing in between. Yeah, I know that this may sound a little unrealistic because all relationships have problems, but I think it's simple, either they are the type person that can work through problems, or they're not. And I believe it's easy to see what kind of person they are when you watch to see how they handle life's problems. I know that I've done a very poor job with that myself, but I'm growing every day. I'm detaching from my old life everyday. I'll get there, one step at a time. The first step is the hardest but I'm convinced with every step that I take, I'm one step closer to my goal. I feel good today!
glad to hear that, prayers your way, go girl!
You guys are full of helpful advise and I need a little help again. I find myself not wanting to ever have another relationship. I don't want to clean up after anyone, I don't want to plan meals, I don't want to go to bed and be annoyed about sex, I don't want to comingle finances, I guess I don't want to even think about sharing. I find myself thinking relationships are more trouble than what they're worth. Is this a normal thought pattern? What's going on with me?
given that this last R was pretty hectic to say the least, I'd think it's normal you feel that way, that doesnt' mean you'll always feel that way. After you are all healed and gotten things on the right track then you reassess what you want. There is no hurry, go at your own pace, we all have learned here that we dont' need a R with someone else to be happy. Live one day at a time G.
Today isn't a good day. I find myself going back to my "dark place" (this is my name for my not knowing what I want from life). I can't seem to break through this wall I've created. I've been talking to my XF. Last night I told him that I was going to look into a place to call my own and he told me that he didn't want to hear it, I was stressing him, he went on and on about his issues. And, in the grand scheme of things his are so much more than my need to find a place. He really has some serious health issues. Anyway, he ripped me up again and now I feel guilty for everything....again.... I know I asked for it when I said in not so many words, that I was moving on. He said he loves me but he doesn't have the time to put into this relationship. I had his undivided attention in the past, I had everything, there was nothing he wouldn't do for me and yet I didn't even try to make him happy. And, you know what? He's right. I could have cared less. I was so beaten down by life, that I couldn't get out of my own way. So it starts again, I feel like crap, I feel guilty, I feel that I hurt someone who didn't deserve to be hurt and I don't like feeling like this. I can't seem to put myself back together. I am again feeling like I'm in limbo again. I want to heal, but for some reaason, I can't get there. I know what I have to do, yet I can't move - I'm paralized.
are you still living with him or something? if not, then why are you telling him your plans to find a place? or is it that he thinks there is still a R going on? stop doing things that are just damaging you.
Whatever you did/didnt do is in the past, and only a very cruel person would rip you up again telling you how little your pain is compared to his.
Forgive yourself, because God already has, who are you to question him? to tell you that he gave his Son up for nothing? he died for all the stuff we did, let him heal you, believe that you are forgiven, because you are.
So, you can either beat up yourself and go nowhere, or you can decide today to move on, find the place you were talking about and DO something NOW.
For crying out loud, STOP talking to him! you get nothing! whatever it is you are trying to get out of him you won't get it, he is angry and unforgiving, stop going back for more punishment.
Stop contact with XF and get help for your self-abusive tenedencies.
I'm not sure that I have self-abusive tendencies. I think I have more of an identity crises. I once believed that I was a giving person, caring and had a lot of love to give. Now I feel selfish, uncaring, watching my back because I know someone is going to stab me if they get the chance. I have every guard up! I don't ever want to feel the pain and the hurt that I had.
I don't WANT someone controlling me! And, in my past R they didn't. I think that's what happened with my marriage. I had the money, I had the independence, I had control on how we decorated, etc. I didn't NEED anyone, I chose to be with them and when my XH chose to have an affair when I gave up everything, in the end I got screwed. Yep, I guess I'm bitter and angry so when my XF want me to give up everything again - all of my savings to buy a house, my paycheck to provide for living expenses, I get very nervous and I react badly.
Anyway, I am looking at property to buy this weekend and hopefully that will work out and I can finally be free. I think it's a step in the right direction and I so want to do the right thing for me. Yet, because my judgment is so impared, I'm not sure I'll make the right decisions. I'm really scared.
Good idea to be independent and get happy by yourself.
It is self-harming for you to continue to repeat these damaging interactions for XF. He is toxic and abusive, quit exposing yourself to the toxin.
I know my XF is a controlling person. He now is making rude comments about me and my roommate (a female that I've known for 20 plus years). He is jealous of my friendship with her and that I'm making plans to shop with her, etc. He makes me feel as though I'm obligated to him. He makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells, he makes me feel like I owe him for everything he's done for me. Classic signs, huh? Why is it so hard to be done with this relationship? Why can't I break this off? Why is so dang hard for me? Why do I do this? I swear, I don't know what the heck got into me.
I really need to end this, once and for all. Yet, he's like a habit to me. Why am I making this so hard?
Have you read much about abusers and women who keep returning to them? It might be helpful...
well, you keep feeding him info about your life he'll keep hurting you with it. disconnect your phone, block his calls, DO something to force yourself to stop this.
We all learn from mistakes, and there are time we all prob don't make the smartest decisions, but so what? it's your life, just do your homework before you buy the house, check it out with a friend, and stop secondguessing yourself so much, you will do just fine.
Well, it is over with me and my XF. It wasn't pretty, but it's over. The funny thing is, I'm not sad.
Good on you - now stick to it.
How did the house-hunting go?
How did the house-hunting go?
Unfortunately, I didn't get to do it. My realtor was sick but we've rescheduled for this weekend.
now stick to your guns!this is for the best even if you don't think so right now.
I'm sure you'll find a great place in this market, good luck!
Just journaling.....
I've been studying emotional abuse. And what an eye opener. Every characteristic named is what I've been enduring. Why do women (I) put up with this? Why is it so hard to see it while you're in the middle of it? Denial? Thinking it may just be in your mind? No way, he couldn't be doing this? And the fact is HE IS DOING IT! Now it is time to step away, start the healing process, build up self esteem and self worth again, and now that you know what the lion in sheep's clothing looks like, be very perceptive of what is being said, what is being demanded and what the other's expectations are. Life is a learning experience. I am amazed at the vile and disgusting way I have allowed him to speak to me. Never, ever in my life time was I ever talked to like that and I can't imagine why I would allow it this time? What happened to me? Why did I allow it? Was I way too vulnerable? Way to needy? Wanting a R at all cost even if I had to compromise my dignity? This is how I've been living, but no more. God give me the strength to keep my eyes on You and for You to supply my needs and for You to keep away from this abuse and for you to help me put a stop to this self imposed abuse.
Great job Gwyn, stay brave!
I'm trying. But as the clock ticks by, the 3 day weekend is here. . My roommate is out of town, my family has plans. I feel very alone. Need to get use to this, huh? My plan is to go shopping after work. Can't afford to buy, but get out among people, grab a bite to eat (yuck, I hate sitting in a restaurant eating alone), go home and hope that I'll find something to keep me busy tomorrow. I'll be okay, it's just going to take time to adjust to this. I will conquer this. Stand by my friends...I'm going on this journey of finding myself, setting and reaching goals, sometimes failing, and maybe just plain ole complaining at times and I believe (sorry) that I'm going to be dragging you all with me.
Thanks for listening to me...it really does help.
enjoy the alone! Dance around naked or in your underwear, you could bring a good book to the restaurant if eating alone, I always make friends with everyone wherever I go so I don't feel alone, or you could take your meal out to a park? I like being with people too, but I think everyone needs some alone time to relax, regenerate, be silly, or whatever.
BTW, I went through the emotional abuse too. I had someone telling me how horrible I was and criticizing me a lot, I loved them, and I believed them more and more. I think it happens gradually too, not just in one day, and so you get used to what you shouldn't be getting used to. Good to realize it and work on your self-confidence and strength so it doesn't happen again! Karen
you will do just great hon, a great place to meet friends is meetup groups, go online and look for stuff you like to do, find a singles group, it's hard at the beginning but you will do better each time, this is the hard part, you will make it, believe it))))
I have to do this maybe to vent, maybe to get some opinions, I'm not sure why, I just know I have to put it in writing.
If someone constantly brings up somee sex fetish they have, and you have said over and over and over that you're not interest and that it goes against every core of your body and find it to be a preversion of what sex should be, but they keep on trying, what does it say about that person? They accept the fact, then the pressure starts again. "You would do it if you loved me, it really tells me that you are really into me". You say NO, but then they start making you feel like your different from "all his other women" You keep saying no, no, no, again they say okay, I'm sorry, good for a few weeks, then it all starts again.
Why can't no be the answer? Why can't it be dropped? Why do I feel like the wierd one?
Why are you talking to XF again?
With respect to your question, it means that XF is emotionally immature, manipulative, and really not that into you, rather more into how he can use you. He enjoys making you feel like crap. He enjoys tearing you down. He enjoys using the power he feels he has over you.
Quit giving him the power -- therein lie your self-abusive tendencies.
You deserve far better, please take care of yourself.
you keep putting your hands in the fire and then wonder why they hurt. Guess you are just not ready to face the reality that he is nothing but trouble and hurt for you, as long as you keep your eyes closed and only see what you want to see then you'll keep getting hurt.
Does he define you? is he the ultimate authority in your life? if no, they why do you give him so much power?? he is only a MAN, and a lousy one at that... you keep falling into the same hole over and over again, G, please wake up and learn something from these past months!!
OMG. I'm sick - I mean I'm really emotionally sick! Me and my XF called it quits three days ago and I find out he's already dating. I went off the deep end. What is wrong with me?
It's not so much what is wrong with you, but what is obviously wrong with him.
As for you...it seems that you got involved before you were ready and ok on your own. "Needing" someone in your life makes you blind to the faults that might be more obvious to others.
Time to just be Gwyn...and learn to love, accept and forgive her completely.
oh Gwyn, I'm sorry to had to see in such a bad way what kind of man is he, now you know he isn't worth it.
I don't mean to sound really stupid, but what do you mean "what kind of man he is?"
Gwyn,
You two were dating, sort of. Now you are not. There is nothing wrong with him seeing someone else.
That being said, it does not change the fact that the man you most recently dated was manipulative and abusive who didn't care about you as much as he cared about how he could use you. It also does not change the fact that you kept going back for more abuse.
The pain you feel now because he has moved on while you want him back in spite of this abuse actually has little to do with him. It probably has a lot more to do with your co-dependency (which predates him by a long shot) more than anything else.
Please get help. Go to an al-anon meeting or join a co-dependents group and try it for awhile. You need to break out of your self-damaging cycles. They can help.
what kind of a man is he? I'll let you answer that...has he been supportive no matter what and been loving and forgiving? has he been keeping your best interests in mind and never suggested or pushed you to do things that made you uncomfortable?
Has he graciously walked away or has he been punishing you nonstop? you have the answers.
Or, you could just excuse every his every reaction with "I made him do it" and hold him unaccountable of his own behavior. "I made him do it" is as unexcusable as "he/she made me do it"
This is my journal. Contrary to everyone’s advise and help, I decided to give me and my XF another try. He was out of town taking care of a sick relative for about 2 weeks and the entire time he was gone, things were wonderful. He called everyday, said beautiful things to me, completely made me think that we were once again a couple. We were counting days and hours to be together. The plan was as soon as he got home, we were going to spend time together and so it was. Fast forward, It was time for me to go home and take care of some personal things, he too needed to do the same. So I called to say goodnight and he started on me again. Telling me that I don’t have his back, his life is a mess, our relationship requires too much work, he’s miserable. I didn’t take care his plants while he was gone ( I was suppose to watch his house, which I did). I didn’t do this and I didn’t do that. He needs someone to compliment his life and I have no incentive to make his life easier. I require to be entertained (which I don’t). I’m content to watch TV all day, when he sees everything in the house that needs to be done and I’m not aggressive enough and I shouldn’t have to be told what to do, I should know to do it. I am more confused now than ever. This is a short version of what happened, there is so much more, but I fear that somehow he’ll see all of this and call me out on it. I guess I’m being paranoid. I know what you all are going to say. I’m co-dependent, I need to break free from this, but somehow, deep down in my heart, I know I love this man. Why else would I put up with this? I do love him and it breaks my heart that I’m not what he wants. He wants a partner who will watch his back, take care of things without being told. Be his help mate, etc. I do try, maybe not hard enough. Maybe I am lazy, maybe he’s right, maybe I’m just a free loader. I want all the benefits from a relationship and want to give nothing in return. Is that possible?
oh hon... you still think you are at fault regardless anything he does to you.
You love him... so what?! I loved x too, but when I found out he was still seeing/talking to ow despite all our counseling/my efforts to be superW I drew the line. It killed me to tell him to go, but I was dying living with him, having him disrespect me, knowing he disregarded my feelings and basically treating me like scum as he kept lying and hiding stuff from me. I loved him and he is the father of my kids, but there is a time when enough is enough...
The fact that you love him doesn't mean you'll take anything from him.
Again, you are just like x, too hurt and blind "in love" to remove yourself from a bad person, from a toxic situation. RUN RUN RUN. you have no kids with him, no years of history, nothing to tie you down, if I could I'd move to Calcutta so I could never hear from x but I can't, I have to deal with him *all* the time.
You have the luxury of starting over again. MOVE MOVE MOVE, for crying out loud, make a wonderful life away from him, he is only a man, you dont' have to give him so much power over you!!! do you have family or a friend on another state where you can go? you need to leave and never look back.
Is this what's love supposed to be? all this suffering?
I can't move. I was born and raised here. My family, kids, etc. are here. And, I love my job! He's the transplant. I know this relationship is toxic and I believe he is a narrcissist. I don't think he's capable of loving from the heart, only from the lower extrimities. I know I need to break free, but I can't. I mean I really and truly can't seem to do it. I can go for days without contact, but then I become physically sick. I have left several messages for him this morning to call me to see if he felt better this morning. Of course he hasn't returned my calls and I know the next time I call (which will be at lunch time), he'll tell me that I'm stressing him and that he need to be left alone for a few days. Completely the opposite of what he told me last week. "We need to spend as much time together as possible, we need to reconnect". I live in such confusion with him.
He has a lot on his plate right now and because I've been there, I know how overwhelmed he feels right now. He told me that I cannot be his priority and that our relationship is too much work. (I think I've said that already). What should I do? If I go on with my life and make plans, he gets mad that I'm not available. If I sit around and wait for him to call, it may or may not happen and I've completely waisted a day. We had a WONDERFUL week together so this new attitude that came out of nowhere, has really set me back. What happened in a few hours? From being sweet and kind, to being everything that he feels overwhelmed with is my fault. I really don't get this. Do you think he's emotionally involved with another woman. These are some of the characteristics of my XH.
one "good" week together does not mean anything compared to the emotional abuse he pounds on you. He is SICK in the head, you will never please him unless you want to be a total doormat and jump when he says jump, and loose your individuality. I truly truly believe that man is bipolar or something worse, no well man behaves that way, his mood swings are just incomprehensible, it's not you! see this please, he is very very emotionally disturbed. And you calling several times also tells how much help you need with a C, are you still seeing one? if you are, then get another one or LISTEN to what your C is telling you.
Can't move out of state? then move out of his county, isn't your life worth that? isn't your peace worth that? how would you feel if any of your kids were being treated like this by a significant other? seek a friend's help, get a new phone number and erase his, DO something, dont' just wonder what you are doing wrong and why isnt' he happy. he will NEVER be happy because his heart is a black void.
Gwyn--
What you are describing is an addiction. I have BEEN there, in all seriousness. I get how you feel sick without him. I actually contemplated suicide when I went through all my mess. I committed myself into the hospital, twice.
It is hard. You might very well need help to break free of it. You have said yourself that you know, intellectually, that this is toxic. I know how feelings can be overwhelming. Do not rule out meds - I needed them for the anxiety and depression.
Try to get to a 12-step group. Co-dependents anonymous is the best fit, but they all deal with the same issues. If there are no meetings close to you, go online. Read the literature.
Hearts are stupid, simple things. They react to not only what is happening now, but also all of your old, un-dealt-with issues and what is comfortable, even if it is not healthy. It is time to lead your life from your head.
Good luck....you deserve so much more for yourself.
Thanks Cat and Donna. I'm not suicidal and I still am not convinced that I'm co-dependant. I think I'm more vulnerable, trusting and quite niave' more than anything. Emotional abuse, narrcissism, verbal abuse are all new words and experiences for me. Yeah, there were explosive fights between mom and dad, but up until now, I don't think it ever affected me, so it's hard to put the blame anything on my childhood. I've always been very strong. This is kicking my butt and I'm not quite sure why.
Quick journal. Why is it that he is come here, come here, come here, no, go away, go away, go away. I need my space.
Once minute, he runs hot, lets put everything back together, the next minute, he don't know. He is fighting depression so bad so I cannot bring anything up to him because he accuses me of it "being all about me, I'm selfish, don't I understand what he's going through, don't put this pressure on me". He sends so many mixed signals, it's ridiculeous. I know I need to go on as if, but I still hang onto the hopes that we'll be able to put this back together. My close friends and family think I'm being stupid and maybe I am, but he says all the right words, but his acions conflict his words and I simply don't get it. How do I make myself "get it" What do I need to do? I'm clueless.
he accuses me of it "being all about me, I'm selfish, .........................but he says all the right words, but his acions conflict his words and I simply don't get it. How do I make myself "get it" What do I need to do? I'm clueless.
Because he's the selfish one who get what he wants from you and once his mission is accomplished, chucks you back on the shelf until he wants it again.
get what he wants from you and once his mission is accomplished, chucks you back on the shelf until he wants it again.
Again, maybe I'm being stupid, but I really don't believe that. He can get what I think you're talking about anywhere. Why does he need me for that?
Because he know he can. I went through this treatment with my XW for quite a while until enough people pointed out it was destroying me. In a way at times, I still allow her to, but I don't let her know that she can get to me like that for her own pleasure.
It is said time and time again, WAS' thrive on the misery they inflict upon those they left to justify who they are now and how they act.
He tells me all the time that women fall all over him, but he won't give them the time of day because he is in a committed relationship with me, yet he keeps blowing me off. When I bring up anything about our R, he tells me that I'm stressing him and he doesn't want this pressure. I long to be able to talk to him about this, but he won't let me get there. That's the part that is really beating me down.
Well, I am certainly no expert in this area as I did not have the opportunity to descuss the R with XW all that much and when we did, I could not and do not trust someone who says they love you so so much, but yet tore you and your family limb for limb all for the sake of some "new and exciting".
So, I'm just trying to tell you to stop allowing him to come get what he wants, and then run off "stressed" or whatever the excuse may be when you want to work on the R aspect that he clearly is not willing to discuss.
What I would say, the next time he pulls the "come here, come here" card, you stand your ground and lay down boudry that he discuss the R defore he high tails it away again.
This guy wants sex of a kind you don't want to give him.
He is uncommunicative.
He is emotionally abusive.
He is emotionally unavailable.
He is manipulative.
He is depressed.
He is someone you don't trust.
He is someone you have known only a short while, and you've never had a good R with him.
What exactly do you get out of this R? You get a chance to relive old crap from your XM and from your childhood. That is why you keep going back. Nothing in what you right about your XF suggests that you love him. In one way, he is right, it is all about you and all about your unresolved problems that you get to continue to cycle through with him. It is not about him except that if he didn't recreate those problems for you, you would not be drawn to him.
You acknowledge that he is abusive, yet you continue to return to him. This is simple self abuse. And, contrary to what you have indicated here, in the past you have indicated major problems when you were growing up. The co-dependent behavior here is extreme, unhealthy, and very obvious.
The part that is really beating you down is returning to him to beat yourself up over and over. Stop it and get help, professional help. Quit letting your pride and ego get in the way of living a decent life.
What exactly do you get out of this R?
Hmmmm, I've asked myself the same thing and the truth of the matter is not a whole lot. My friends can't stand him, my kids think he emotionally abuses me, he calls me names (not bad names things like user, golddigger-he even told me that I was abusing him. He is brutal when it comes to my roommate, calls her all kinds of names. He even suggests that she and I are having a thing going. This girl has been a friend of mine for over 30 years. Isn't that a little wierd? I feel like I'm back on a roller coaster, last week, he wanted to marry me, this week, he's stressed and wants to be left alone. I live in a state of confusion.
I knew I would get a message from you Oldtimer. You actually motivate me. I talked to me XF at lunch today and he pretty much told me to do what's best for me and you know what, I need to do just that. I need my own place, my own things. I really think I need some comfortable things around me. I feel like such a misfit. Do you know that I don't even have a mailing address right now? Isn't that ridiculeous? I've never been so misplaced in my entire life and I need to make this right. I know I need to do all this so why the hell can't I? What am I hanging on to? You know I called my former C, but my XF got so angry and told me he wasn't a real C and was nothing more than a cheerleader and he didn't want any part of it. I can't do anything right in his eyes. Why does he keep me hanging around? I have some idea why I hang around, but why does he stay in it?
Because you choose to tolerate the abuse and he has a need to be abusive.
Because you choose to tolerate the abuse and he has a need to be abusive.
That's pretty profound.
You know meant to tell you that I've been reading a lot on co-dependency and I don't fit into many/most of the categories. I'm not sure that's the name for my self destruction in relationships. I think it's more of me being obsessive. I honestly can see myself without my XF, but I can't see him with another woman. That stings and I can't stand that pain so I stay.
so instead of berating and humiliating another woman you rather be that woman.
Hon, please please RUN the other way.