Hi
Im transitioning from MLC
been there for about 2 years
d in progress--I tolf Him to file- he did
I just found out about ow
H living with ow..he has lied about her and been with her 2.5 yeras I think
so im tring to detatch and keep my distance now
H and I have been friendly and got along well with many continuous positive connections for 2 years
he visits kids 3-4x a week here at my house
no intro to ow yet, but in the D agreement he wants to introduce ow to kid in 9 months and overnights in 15 months from now
so I have a while
H has lied about his A this whole time
he only admitted it when I found his lease agreeement
so I have detached and distanced- little talk
and we share a business together which we will both keep in D
he seems to be reacting to my distance..and some of the limited visitation I have asked my L to write in agreement
I dont want my kids around OW
so
sometimes he misses work,,has not seen kids for a week
wont talk to me he wants me to react or let the whole thing go
like he didnt really have A//just forget it and be friends??
but I know it is the heathiest for me to move on
I have created a life
I am positive
I have friends
we go dancing
men have asked me out Ive said no
I want to take time and make better choices than H
I want to start dating soon
but my heart is stil;l atteched to H..
I have struggled the past 2 weeks really letting H go
little chit chat only when neseccary
How do you really let go?
Is it just practice?
Is it limiting any emotional connections?
is it setting boundries?
being cordial? but not close
is it forgiving but still choosing to not be friends?
I have a lot going for me and If I can transition out of this D I feel I can attract a heathier R next time
any suggestions?
Thanks
peace
no intro to ow yet, but in the D agreement he wants to introduce ow to kid in 9 months and overnights in 15 months from now
Well, this is really good, considering the other situations we read about, huh? I know its still awful though. Its like the OW doesn't deserve the privledge of knowing your beautiful creations. I get it.
You are doing all the right things. The only other thing that will help is time. I think you are making the right decision to not date. I don't think its fair (in my situation, at least) to start a relationship with someone while xH is still mucked up in my head. It gets all tangled up with emotions, love, etc.
I am sorry you are here, but its a great group of people.
How do you really let go?
Is it just practice?
Is it limiting any emotional connections?
is it setting boundries?
being cordial? but not close
is it forgiving but still choosing to not be friends?
I have a lot going for me and If I can transition out of this D I feel I can attract a heathier R next time
any suggestions?
Thanks
peace
F - All Of The Above
Those are definitely some of the tactics you can use to let go. I think you will have to adjust to do what is proper for a given situation and period in your life.
Practice is MOST DEFINITELY the place to start, same old fake it til you make it. You might go through phases where you can interact more, then others when you have very limited contact. You can vary the lines of communications, voice, text, email, and use whatever allows you to "let go" the easiest. I went through periods when I didn't want to hear my X's voice.
I guess the bottom line is that you will have to use what is right for you. As long as you maintain focus on your goal, which is LETTING GO yet maintaining a good co-parenting relationship. Don't allow any other thoughts to cloud your mind.
It sounds to me like you are in a good mindset in order to be successful at this. Especially that last part. Good for you! Great!
Steve
Thanks for your support
lwb_ yes it takes time, i know I am moving in that direction but I havent yet reached true letting go
steve- thansk for your sipport..i like what you said the interactions can vary at times there need to be more talk about kids or business and other times little or non..Im glad to have that option
Gabbysmom- I totally understand what you are saying about the OW.especially when your D is so young .It is sickening to me that she even gets to meet my kids..In my D agreement H is suppose to give me her SS# for backround check
I did speak to H today
Ive been struggling with little contact and ther were some items in the D agreement that we had to discuss
he said to me "Youve got to move on"
( not that he is doing so well..as he sounded depressed and said he wondered if he should give me full custody and the whole business and go away indefinitely??
so Im just waiting for the D agreement to be signeed
he agreed to go to IC and co parenting C with me 10 sessions, so I will get advice on moving the kids thru this as well as getting out any issues I have with Him..the A the lies the spending and secret life..
I am still moving forward though..Im hoping this is the last leg of this process
peace
Not sure that "getting out" the issues you have with him (A, lies, spending, secret life) will get you anywhere, especially in terms of "letting go". There is a point in time where you know you have "aired" everything, and you know what, most often times they don't give a rip. At some point, you will truly just "let go" and try to forget about all of the CRAP (nice word). It happened, it's over, it lead you to where you are now. Does it matter? To you yes, to him no (more than likely). Airing this stuff isn't going to get him on a better track, a track where he can be a solid parent, anytime sooner. As a matter of fact, he very well might be tired of hearing about all of the mistakes he made and the sooner people quit reminding him about them the sooner he too will be able to move on and quit feeling like a loser.
I'm not saying that you should really cut him any slack for HIS good, I'm talking about for the sake of the kids. I know when my moment of epiphany occurred, the moment I decided to quit pointing out all of my X's mistakes. It was after the divorce and was either July or October, because we were eating out as a family for a birthday. I noticed how the kids were berating her for everything that she was doing:
- texting during the dinner
- talking to some 20 something women about something that teed off my 14 year old
- flirting with the waiter
It just went on and on. After dinner (kids were with me) I had a talk with the two oldest and told them that they needed to start cutting their Mom some slack. I can't imagine anyone who would want to have their every action criticized like that. I could see that it made her just not give a rip about what she did.
I guess what I'm saying is that at some point we truly have to let go of all the mistakes and hurt in hopes that a new relationship can be born, one that is healthy as possible for the children.
Maybe I read too much into that... dunno?
Hey Peace, just stopping by to say hi and to thank you for checking up on me.
Dont have any advice on how to let go because I havent been able to.
I will say this though, always follow your gut when it comes to the kids.
And I think we start to let go when we can forgive them - really and truly and when we can envision a good life for ourselves.
But I dont think it is something you can wish for, or work on. I think it is a process, with a different timeline for everyone.
Try to pull back as much as you can. And day by day, when you dont realize it, you will have let go.
Peace, you are a wonderful person and a great mom. I wish you happiness and peace in your life.
dealign with the A and the lies that came with it must be very hard peace))))))) he sounds depressed, but whatever his stich is you must fight hard hard to stop worring and thinking about his wellbeing, but hard as this might sound, he stopped worrying about you long ago, it's time you do the same.
It's a conscious efford to move on and let go, it's just like love, it is decision, your heart just won't wake up one day all healed, you must believe it will happen, you must concentrate and fill your mind with positive thoughts of your life in the future instead of dwellings of the past.
because of the kids you will be forced to keep contact (and the business I bet, how can that work? you will be on the same place of business? seeing each other every day?
The best piece of advice for the sake of the kids is to treat him like a business partner, your business being the kids. You can be cordial and keep good communication so the "business" can thrive...but let that be your only communication, the kids.
I recommend "the spiritual D" book to all, it was a life saver for me. Hugs))))))))))))) slowly but surely you will make it, we become stronger everyday)))
Thanks friends for all your support and suggestions
all here is quiet..I continue to let go little to no interactions with H
I like it this way as i feel it is helping me move on
yes Cat it is a concious choice to be more in the now than the past.
Steve- not sure what the co parenting sessiosn will hold for me
I just hope I will continue to letgo and basically expect nothing from them except additional healing for me
GM- I like that your therapist has the same experience with her H..That heelps
BM- you found me!
My IC has been hynotising me for the last few sessioss..to help me let go
I think it helps its like NLP..she saiys it cretes a new pathway in your brain to react and process differently
I will take all the brain help I can Get!!
Hope you all have a peaceful evening
peace
Just make sure and focus on co-parenting when you are in them, not anything to do with the relationship. They are truly two distinct and separate issues.
You can do it Peace! Just stay strong and live in the moment, things will get better and easier.
A few weeks ago I started going dark
I sopke with A db coach as I had a few sessions left
also my mentor( another women on mLC board) suggested I go dark
the reason being so H can feel the loss of our R.....
b/c for 2 years I bent over backwards to be there for him and we connected ewmotionally a lot..he never felt the loss of our R in fact he had a better wife than ever before..
he would visit kids 4x week
then I found out about OW after 2 years of this and his denying her
now my question is??
when I went dark, it created a lot of animousity in our R
he wasnt working well( we work together in our business, but I usually dont see him, only speak to him on a professional basis when needed) and he wasnt visiting kids the same
we werent talking much as I had backed way off
now I feel the emotional cord has been cut..
I talk to him today just for work and I realize our situation workds much better if I am cordial and a little available especially for business..
so im thinking I cant worry about H feeling the loss of the R
I just need to keep the business running smoothly
and keep it easy to visit the kids
and
at the same time
continue to cut the emotional bond and move forward
that emotional bond is the thing that kept me hooked, not if I spoke to him or not
any thoughts on this
peace thansk
HI
I am having a lot of trouble letting go of OW
we typically can get along but
H over yesterday we are fightning
he wants to move on with oW
I am making it hard b/c I dont trust her around my kids
IN Mediation L got H to agree to giving SS# of OW for check as she is supposingly a newly recovering alcoholic/addict??
Im not sure if thats true as H has 20PLus years in AA
but H Fights to gets closer to OW as I am fighting to prevent Kids involved in their Love Affair
H denies it was a A
says M was over..only I didnt know
he stays in denial about any wrongs on his parts
he suggested I talk to OW
I said NO--I will not be her friend
Now im creating more animousity with H me and OW
and I will LOse this battle
she has already won him
he is clear about choosing her over working on this M
any thought
I know same issue over and over
I cant seem to let go and part of me feels like I made the whole A and seperation easy breezy for H to leave and have space..
I was loving, caring, non confriontive,,now it is over,, it didnt turn out the way I thought..I thought H would return
and I dont want to make everything so dam easy for H
peace
Don't worry about making things "damn easy" for H, concentrate on making things easy on YOURSELF and your KIDS. All this other stuff is just clutter and cling. I know it is tough to let go, and tough to try and not care about all of the things going on with him and his new R, but for your own sake, the sake of the kids, and the sake of your business, let go.
Once you can start doing that, I promise you that you will feel oh so much better.
thanks Steve
well I had another issue today with STBX
He got a cell Phone for aOW last year and put it on the business policy
I told him 4-6 weeks ago when I began legally controlling the business that he had to transfer her off the plan
at first he agreed and said in a few weeks
the next time I brought it up he Yelled LEAVE that phone alone
so I left it till bill came today
I did make a big mistake b/c I bought S7 a phone and told him I would activate it when bill came..So I switched her line with a new # to S7
when H got home to OW, he switched it back to her
legally he is wrong as the business wil/should not pay for her
phone
power struggle with me OW and H
they won again
now I dont knoe what to do
but I refuse to pay for her to keep that phone and S7 phone got deactivated and hes all upset
any thoughts here
thansk
peace
I made the whole A and seperation easy
the only person responsible for the A is him, he had a brain, he should've had the guts/brain to not go that way, he didnt', the As are the easy way out of a rut.
If the cell phone is legally not meant to be used by ow then get your L involved, that is just outrageous! he should've get to do that!
Hon, you can't make him do anything, sadly, he is free to move in with ow and to introduce her to the kids, it is his life and nothing can be done to stop him from doing that. I know it is hard to realize we can't control who our kids are with, but that's the way it is now.
Can you sell the business, or ask him to buy you out? I know that sounds extreme, but it might be worth it just to get him out of your life. And not to be b*tchy, but doing so would entail actual unpleasant consequences for him. Do whatever you need to in order to preserve your sanity.
ditto what Andabelle said, you might save yourself many many headaches/heartaches
Hey Peacetoday,
I'd have to agree with the prior posts. Why not get him more completely out of your life, via the house and the business, with one of you buying out the other. It is tempting to not fully let go of the rope so to speak via these attachments, but believe me, coparenting the kids will be plenty of continued contact. In most cases, thats far more than enough....
He's proven unreliable on this key issue of M. Why would he be any different in your business efforts?
Hope you and the kids are doing well.
Like you described, I waited ~ 1 year to date following the S/D and it still feels like it was a wise decision on my part. There's some much in the air right afterward.
Take care,
FL