Hi All,
It's been a coupla months since I posted. Needed time away from the boards + other stuff was going on. Now I'm in a slump and thought I'd seek advice even though I tried to move on away from here. Some of you know my sitch - others can probably guess.
D was final end of October. I pretty much cut off contact after that - if XW wasn't willing to do anything prior to D then I saw no reason to be friends afterwards. She had her OM and her work. There've been a few awkward moments but for the most part, no contact.
Right before Xmas I had a premonition she would show up. 5 minutes later she knocked - wanted to drop off a gift. I invited her in and she seemed surprised. I kept the chitchat shallow and eventually said I needed to return to my work. She frowned a bit, like she was about to tear up, then left. Afterwards, I read her card and she told me she wanted me to know that she thought of me and hoped we could be friends.
Went out with a friend a few days later and was told that XW had stopped by 2x to ask about giving that gift. Both times XW started crying. Friend asked XW what she wanted and the answer was "I don't know" so friend told XW that she'd made a choice and that was the road she now had to follow.
So that was all fine - confusing but fine. But then I snooped. Don't know why but I did. Found out that a few days after that, XW started pushing a R with a second co-worker (not the original A partner). Sent messages about how she thought of all the great times they'd had and would have together. Said how long she'd been thinking of being with him. Our D has only been final for 3 months.
I'm trying to move on. I've accepted my fate as a monk until I'm emotionally stable enough to handle another R, but I'm confused by XW's ability to move on. Is she just rebounding or is she the more stable one? I mean, why the tears when she talked with my friend about the gift? Why the present for me if she's in a new relationship?
The thing is, her new R was a friend of ours. I knew they'd spent time together over the past few years, but I never got the impression she thought he was R material. I mean, I know the answer already - rebound, ignoring own issues, making self feel better - but I still have a hard time getting it. That and I wish I could just get her out of my head.
Anyway, this is a thread about after it has ended but before you've moved on. All are welcome to add their thoughts. Title comes from a Patty Griffin Song:
Useless Desires
Say goodbye to the old street
That never cared much for you anyway
The different-colored doorways
You thought would let you in one day
Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting
The weekend edition has this town way overrated
You walk across a baseball field
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years
Wishing you would anyway
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way
For the little aches and pains
The ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this
I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Say goodbye to the old building
That never tried to know your name
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You won't be seeing me again
Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun
Like diamonds on a winter day
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
Burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hangin' around
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Hi lodo,
funny I was thinking of you last night. How your sitch developed, admired your way of dealing with it, the way you stopped posting. I think I had missed you.
And...here you are. Talking about gut feelings....
I dont know about your wife. I often thought that in cases where WAS move on very fast, there's got be a moment of clarity later on that LBS dont get to see because it is difficult to swallow their pride and come back and express remorse once the divorce is final. Maybe your wife had this moment of clarity, who knows?
Granted what you said about OM seems she cant be alone.Which of course is a not good enough reason to reconsider a R with her. I guess what I am saying is, dont let her rock your boat, let it pass... dont pay much attention to what she does. At least not yet. If she would insist and if she would really try to rebuild some of the bridges with you, if there is anything in your heart for her still, then..., we'll see...
Love
K
Ohhh, and since it is early here still, gimme a coffee!
Its early everywhere! Lodo, that song is great. And you seem to be in the same place where I am. So, we can commiserate together, my friend. I'll be one of those who never gets the second-thoughts (then again, he moved in with the former affair partner).
All we can do is keep moving forward and live our best life - its up to us.
Lodo..I'm glad and sorry that your back. Glad in the sense I've missed you. Sorry in the sense that you felt you had to come back.
All move on at their own pace..It sounds as if the ex is quite conflicted and probably extremely lonely for her to be searching out another OM..OP or whatever we want to call it..and your right..it's probably a rebound.
Hang in there buddy..I'm glad your back..
L
I sense that our WAS are very conflicted
that being part of the whole struggle
they want to go and want to be friends
they still have feeling for us
have feeling for someone else b/c they allowed that A or rebound
I feel they know at times the mess and internal mess they have created but
only few can will find their way back ususally with help from a therapist
I am to the point I want to stop reading into H
He has clearly chosen at this time to pursue his A
and I can not wait any longer
peace
Thanks guys,
Kalni, I missed you too
No, I would never reconsider with her. I feel like I need to guard my heart too much from her. So it isn't that she's rocking my boat - well, I guess she is in that I still react to what she does or doesn't do - but that I'm rocking my own boat. I've become numb and am ready to move out of this space.
But I know her better than anyone and when I see her with someone else I wonder why I'm not that far along, if there's something wrong with me. I react to her card and then second-guess that reaction - maybe she was just being nice. Maybe the tears were just her being sad for what was lost and nothing more, while I interpret it as vindication that we should have worked on M. It's that old struggle with searching for the meaning behind our M and wondering if there was something there to appreciate even though it's past, or if it was hollow from the start. Honestly, at this point it seems like a long long time ago and I have a hard time reconciling the person I married with the woman I see today.
But in a sense that's just me holding onto the past and trying to drag it along. Still trying to figure out how to let it go completely. I'm basically frustrated with myself. Am ready to be happy again but am still in the lull before the momentum picks up. I've been adopting a very positive attitude and doing lots of GALing, but it all still feels a bit empty and mornings can sometimes be murder for PMA.
Okay, I'm rambling. The sun is up, weather is warm - time to get out and hit the hills.
Mike, good hearing from you. Can't believe you didn't hit me up for beers - what was it, landshark lager? Donna, I haven't read through your sitch but will take a look - and yes, that song is great! Patty Griffin is great. Listen to it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKT5kytIpxUpeacetoday - i agree with you about our WAS being conflicted and knowing they created a mess. It saddens me that resolving that conflict was never an option.
take care all - thanks for the support. lodo
Hi Lodo,
She & her actions should not be the yardstick by which you measure you & your actions.
You'll do what you do when you are ready, you are self-aware enough to know that it is not right for you now. You understand that getting into a relationship with anyone right now would not be healthy for you. I support you in that decision.
You think that is the best decision for you... good for you. You make good decisions. You can change that decision as your feelings change as you grow, as you heal.... that is the beauty of this.. you can change your mind, your actions, your choices.
And we will support you in doing what is best for you.
Have you read the book 'rebuilding: When your relationship ends"? I highly recommend it. It's pragmatic... no nonsense about the different buidling blocks that are necessary to have in place (& exercises on how to get those there) as you transition from 'together-hood' to 'single-hood' with as much peace and integrity as possible.
hugs & peace
Bridge
Well-stated. Thanks as always, bridge.
Saw XW at farmer's market today. Was upbeat & casual, very surface. Didn't stick around to chat. I recognize that treating her as a neighbor helps despite the fact I long to pull her aside and have a long conversation. Those conversations were like an addiction for me, better than sex even. But, that was the past. She's someone I know, but no longer well. And it's been 3 months since D was final. Now I understand why they recommend going for 3-6 months with minimal contact.
One thing seeing her drove home is that my thoughts of being with her are really only that, thoughts. The reality of us creating energy when we're together no longer exists. I came home once again energized to be my own person independent of any type of relationship.
lodo
Hi my lodo!!!!
I love the term "very surface", that is exactly how I am around xH. Its amazing how much I guard my heart from him. So afraid of the healing tear being ripped again...
I agree with the diagnosis for your xW, she is grasping, lonely, reaching out. When xH ended it with original OW, he moved on and dated. Searching, grasping, and lost. And yes, ignoring the issues and the reasons along the way.
Its throwing you because its a change in her behavior, a shift. But since you have no desire to reconcile, then don't let it shift your behavior/choices. If you are comfortable, just continue to be distant friends with her. Deep down you don't want her miserable and making bad choices, but since you can't stop those, just stand by and live your life.
Since most all of us were not the ones driving our divorces, the LBS if you will, then we have to recognize that we are on a different timeline than our former spouses. Most of our X's had affairs, decided they didn't want to be married, and we are where we are. They are WAY ahead of us on the timeline. Also, they weren't/aren't the ones hanging out on a forum like this.
So... it is a safe assumption to say that in general, they are all AHEAD of us on the timeline of "moving on" and they don't have the same thought processes that we do. So in general it is probably pretty safe to assume that they will be a) looking for relationships with more gusto since they are farther down the road, and b) will probably have more failed relationships because they haven't dealt with the things they need to deal with.
So, don't get jealous of the relationships you see them in. In general they are just killing time. The relationship will most likely end in failure and they aren't doing anything constructive/healthy. Also, don't read too much into little bouts of thinking they might be trying to reach out. Chances are it is because they are feeling alone and they are reaching out to something they know. IF, and this is a big IF, they are truly reaching out, then they will continue to do so and if it is meant to be then it will happen. DO NOT DRIVE IT.
Your mission ought to be continuing to find yourself and to recover the heart that you lost. It is out there, and it will come back when you least expect it and when it is ready. Do the healthy thing, don't mimick what you see them doing, don't play the game anymore.
Just my opinion...
Hi lwb & Steve,
Thanks - all good things to hear. I'm trying to find myself but recovering the heart I lost? Seems distant right now. The thing is that XW and I, above all else, talked. I thought it was unique when I first met her. And now as I go on without her I still think it is, can't talk to anyone else like we used to. I'm sure I'll meet someone else, but feel frustrated at the setback. At the lack of commitment. At everything. At myself. And of course, as mentioned initially, we don't even connect when we talk anymore, mainly due to me keeping things shallow.
Recover the heart I lost. I guess part of the difficulty is that to do so is to really abandon XW and I have to admit that still I haven't done that completely. Even after all she has done and said, I'm holding out a bit of hope. Pathetic. But I made a commitment and it has been hard to truly let that go.
Steve, you're right. She moved on a long time ago. I'm the only one keeping this thing alive. I pretend like I've moved on to her, but here I am on this board. I miss her, what else can I say? But missing someone that much is ultimately not trusting enough in yourself.
Recover the heart I lost. I like that. It doesn't imply baggage but rebirth.
Thanks for your opinion. lodo
I pretend like I've moved on to her, but here I am on this board. I miss her, what else can I say? But missing someone that much is ultimately not trusting enough in yourself.
lodo
Glad to see you Lodo!!!
I don't know; I miss some of that too. The friend I used to have in H, he was family and I wonder if he always will be in some respect. But I kind of find myself missing the H that's gone now, he's really become someone else. I think I can miss that old R and still go on to work on forming new ones. And maybe with time you miss less and less I'm thinking. Karen
Patty - you know she is one of my favorites!
Good to hear from you. You shouldn't feel bad about not moving along as quickly as XW. I think the gift was for herself - to make herself feel less guilty. I suspect she feels bad for hurting you, but not enough to change herself. Just remember, she checked out of your R before you did. It was a decision she made consciously, it wasn't thrust upon her unexpectedly. It's no wonder that she is further along than you in the process. But it is not a race.
I found out right before Christmas that my XW (1st M) is getting remarried. I have no romantic feelings for her any longer, but after being married 13 years, I would lie if I said it didn't stir up ANY emotions. It sounds like you are doing well, my friend.
For me the abandonment of hope is a gradual process, but one that picks up steam as days roll by. You aren't even 3 months divorced yet, so it is still very early. I guess I'm coming up on 7 months since D-date here in a few but I tend to mark my journey as beginning the day I moved out. There was no doubt as to the path she was on.
For you it was the ability to talk, for me it was the "feel" when I held her, so it was physical. In the 14 months since I've moved out there has been no one that "feels" as "right" as she once did. Now I've held some women with SMOKIN bodies in that time, much nicer than hers, so I know it isn't a physical characteristic. They sure ought to feel "right"!
For you, I imagine you will meet women who have the capability to "talk" with you so the missing ingredient must be on your end. This is what I mean by the missing heart.
At first I thought I was heartbroken, heck that still might be it, not sure but don’t like the classification. I like to think of it in terms that I gave my heart away a long time ago. She had it and decided she didn't want it. Whether it is still with her or just off on an extended vacation, I'm not sure. I just know that there is something missing from me. I'm not broken, I'm not dysfunctional, I'm not heartless, I'm just not "back" to where I once was. However, I don't worry that I won't get my heart back I just know that I need to wait a while. I know that I need to get it back before I can give it away again. I like to think of it as Nature's way of protecting me from making any mistakes.
Now instead of being upset about this like I was about a year ago, I’ve learned to relish this time. It sure makes my life simpler, which is good! I don’t worry about being in a relationship and I refuse to pretend in order to be in one. I know that I am getting myself together and that I’m going through what I am supposed to be going through. I don’t burn bridges with new women I meet and I don’t “play” any of them. I don’t ask any of them to try on the glass slipper anymore. I figure that someday I’ll look down and either someone I’ve already met, or someone I’ve yet to meet, will be wearing it. I’d like to think that is the proper attitude and I would hope that it would work for you as well.
Steve
I pretend like I've moved on to her, but here I am on this board. I miss her, what else can I say? But missing someone that much is ultimately not trusting enough in yourself.
Nothing wrong with any of that..nothing wrong with acting "as if" you have moved on..nothing wrong with continuing to come to this board..this board should be a safe palce for you to express what you feel and hopefully not be judged..
I'll take a beer now..whatever you have..
Hi Lodo -
It is very interesting the contrast in our situations - you very seldom hear or see your X, and it stirs up strong emotional thoughts, whereas, I have to talk and see my X almost daily and I have little regret that we are no longer together. It may be that the time apart causes deeper thoughts of reflection for both you and your X.
You or anyone else should not be wasting thoughts on what the future holds for your X. Just realize what she is - a person that cannot live in a long term relationship. She lacks commitment.
There is someone else that will come along that will lift your spirits and recapture your heart. The new person will have their own flaws and qualities. For myself, it is difficult to not make mental comparisons, but the thought that sticks out most in my mind is that the one I am with now believes strongly in developing a life long relationship. You may be thinking that you wont find someone like what your X once was - dont look for and have hopes for finding such a person as it may only bring back memories. You have grown over the years and your tastes and interests have changed too. Keep an open mind and you may be pleasantly surprised someday.
Hey Everyone!
Karen, I agree - my XW is someone different now. I don't really know her anymore.
G - how you doing man? Hope all is well. Saw the pix of the house - looks like it's coming along.
Steve - thanks for your advice. It really helps to read that and you have a great way of saying things succinct and to the point.
Hey Mike - Beer? I got a SELECTION of beers. Wasn't it something like landshark or something you were always asking for? I don't know - you guys on the east coast drink some weird sh*t. Here, have what I'm drinking - Knob Creek whiskey.
Hey Kerry! Been checking on you though haven't posted. Sounds like your love life has kicked back in. Hope you're doing well!
I'm glad to be taking the time I'm taking for myself because more and more I realize I wasn't the person I wanted to be. Saw a great movie tonight - "Benjamin Button". I think it's a movie all DBers should see. First, it drives home the point that just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be with them throughout your entire life. You come together in the periods in which you were meant to be together and when it's time to move on, be happy for the good memories, sad for the parting, and optimistic about your own future as an individual. It also underlines the message that we all need to take stock of our lives now and then and see if it isn't perhaps time to make some changes. No one wants to get stuck. To live a worthwhile life, we need to ensure that we are not only doing things we love, but doing things that continue to challenge and invigorate us. Emerson walked the same trails over and over yet continually found something new to discover and became one of America's greatest writers. He could have easily been lulled into complacency and no longer looked for something new in the familiar, or even worse, decided the path wasn't worth walking again since he'd already walked it. We all benefit by discovering the life around us, and if we can't see that life, it's time to make changes. That's the essence of DB for me.
lodo
PS - Steve, I should mention that it was the conversations for me because our sex life was lousy. Always was. XW doesn't know what she likes, didn't like to talk about it, and generally never got into it too much. Never initiated. After awhile I gave up on trying.
I was with another woman when my XW broke up with me 9 years ago (before we were married) and the experience was incredible. So I DEFINITELY look forward to finding out what being able to "feel" the one you love feels like!
Hey Lodo,
just watched Benjamin Button the day before yesterday. The movie is not out here yet but H brought me an illegal copy for "awards nomination viewing only" LOL!!!
It is a good movie. In my case, an alarm went off. For me it meant "change what makes you unhappy = my H", LOL!!! Funny he liked it too. His whole life has been resisting change and being stagnant. During our common life I was always pushing and trying and risking for both of us (nothing much, little things). He used to just come along when he couldnt find an excuse not to. That has been very draining for me. Very.
Come to think of it, I think I really need to divorce him. LOL!!
K
Hey special K,
your post made me sad. I've read bits and pieces of what you've been through, but haven't gotten all of it so don't feel like I can comment (will anyway). But I'm sad for the pain you feel.
I think change is hard for men. Men resisting change is a complaint I've heard a lot from women. When it comes down to it, though, I don't think men really are that adamant about change. Just fears. Maybe it has to do with some sort of left-over evolutionary alpha-dog thing. I don't know. If you want a relationship, you have to compromise at the same time you find ways forward. If you can still do that with H, while being patient with who he is and who he'll never be, great. If that just isn't for you, then you should realistically address that.
Here's the kicker. I think my XW looked at me and said, I can't see being with him. He's complacent. He's boring. And I was because I didn't know what I was doing. I was lost. I'm still lost, but I've begun trying to recapture those dreams from 20 years ago. Funny enough, it was the expectations the XW subconsciously was weighing me down with that helped drive me into depression and lose touch with my dreams.
So, cut him slack if it's deserved. Otherwise, do what you need to do. But I'm sad that you've gone through what you've gone through and that you still face what you face.
Hey, I've never been to Greece. If I happen by, wanna meet for dinner? Need to go visit a friend in Istanbul and thought I'd make a trip of it.
lodo
PS - I'm enjoying my favorite petite syrah and am pouring you a glass!
Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Let me know.
Dont worry about me, as long as things are like they are, I can handle it. I will soon have to make a serious discussion with me, and separate fears and needs and wants. If I manage that, a decision will be easy.
xxx
K
PS - Steve, I should mention that it was the conversations for me because our sex life was lousy. Always was. XW doesn't know what she likes, didn't like to talk about it, and generally never got into it too much. Never initiated. After awhile I gave up on trying.
Well you had better tighten up your shoelaces because I think that MANY of the over-30 single women out there:
- do know what they like
- do talk about it
- do get into it
- do initiate it
Times have changed and Cosmo must be a popular read these days!
- do know what they like
- do talk about it
- do get into it
- do initiate it
yep..Lodo..you are in for a surprise buddy..you will be shocked.
Well you had better tighten up your shoelaces because I think that MANY of the over-30 single women out there:
- do know what they like
- do talk about it
- do get into it
- do initiate it
Times have changed and Cosmo must be a popular read these days!
I & most of the woman I have broached the subject with fit that that description.
And actually, Cosmo is tame compared to what we read
I am anxious myself to see if things in that department will be different if I don't feel as if I am being stalked or hunted!
I don't take it as a bad thing to be on here, even months after the divorce. It isn't about ex so much for me but about myself and my kids and trying to put the pieces together in a better way for all of us. Ex will inevitably flitter through and think what he has to say should change the life we have now made. It doesn't. He gave me a book for Christmas and at least put some thought into it. It was just a gift, nothing more on my end, though it made me wonder why.
Our ex's aren't where we are. They never fixed their issues which led to the break down of our marriages. They just went on to the next one with nary a thought or care. We tried to mend the wrongs but it was too late.
They are on a different time line but I don't think they will find an easy path or someone worth having until they figure out their own issues. The people we fell in love with don't exist anymore. So gather the photos and love letters and precious momentos up and put them in a box and put them away.
Personally it would hurt to much to look to closely at them now. No need to torture myself. Doesn't mean I am weak, just means I know that I am at my limit right now and will be ready some other day.
Don't be sad to be here, we are are glad to have you back. I get my best laughs from others on here and the stories can be inspirational too.
kat
- do know what they like
- do talk about it
- do get into it
- do initiate it
yep..Lodo..you are in for a surprise buddy..you will be shocked.
Don't think you have to move to TN Lodo... I doubt we have a monopoly on this!
And actually, Cosmo is tame compared to what we read
Do tell!
Yea, what should I be reading? And shouldn't lodo be taking those shoes off?? lol
kat
Don't think you have to move to TN Lodo... I doubt we have a monopoly on this!
Uhh, don't worry. Today it got up to 75 and there were women in the park lounging about in bikinis. How was the scenery in TN?
Time to take off the shoes, kat? Don't you remember? It's time to take off my sweaty lycra! lol. Went on an incredible bike ride today. Headed over to the coast on a 45-mile trip. Rode over the 2,000-feet high coast ranges and back again. Set new bicycle land-speed records coming down!
I'm curious too, bridge.
What are you reading??!
lodo
yea, I remember offering to help you with that! It was Grey's Anatomy night tonight. No shirt night
kat
[quote=lodoToday it got up to 75 and there were women in the park lounging about in bikinis. How was the scenery in TN?
[/quote]
Yesterday morning it was 15 degrees. This morning it was 8.
Needless to say, no bikinis here.
I'm curious too, bridge. What are you reading??!
lodo
EDITED... NOT ALLOWED
I guess it's even too much for the mods too handle
LOL - gee bridge, looks like whatever you are reading is too steamy!
More confusion today. I'm pretty much over it and have moved on but thought I'd journal a bit.
XW called re: interspousal transfer of house deed. Wanted to do it tonight. Then called back and said tomorrow night. Then sent an email apologizing for getting ahead of herself. Not sure why but just that brief bit of interaction brought all this emotion that I'd thought was long gone gurgling up again.
A) I can't for the life of me believe she's really going through with buying the house. I know how much she makes, I know how much the estimated value of the house has dropped, I know what the mortgage payments and property taxes add up to, and I know how long it's going to take before the house value comes back. If it does, she'll be sitting pretty, but in the meantime I have no idea how she's going to make it. Actually I do - her parents. Wouldn't it be nice if you didn't have to worry about making it on your own? Your parents always swooped in and financed whatever situation you happened to find yourself in? Anyway, not my deal to worry about.
B) Talked to a close friend who has professional dealings with XW. Mentioned before that XW had also been breaking into tears in front of friend. Well, XW broke into tears AGAIN just a couple of days ago. While with new BF. And a few days before that, XW had sent me a song she thought I'd like.
WTF? Friend says XW is really messed up and has no idea what she wants or how to figure it out. Around me, XW is all steely resolve and "I'm so happy now". Confusing. I hate how much it bugs me but it does. I pledged my heart to this woman for a lifetime and now it's like she's a total stranger. We've been separated a year, divorced 3 months and she's already on her second relationship. WTF?!
I don't want to dwell on this because I'm trying hard to move on. Just sometimes find myself shaking my head. And am glad that I recognize that NOBODY wants to be in a relationship with me right now! LOL. And that's fine. Men are dogs - we need to go lick our wounds a bit until they heal and then we're ready to play.
In some ways I think it might be easier for guys because I think it's easier for us to forget. When I'm ready to start dating again, you can guarantee that I won't be crying around friends of XW or sending her songs I think she'd like.
In the meantime, feeling down again. A bit. Trying to ignore it and move on with life. Still. You guys know how I feel. Like a failure.
Rant over. lodo
LOL - gee bridge, looks like whatever you are reading is too steamy!
apparently for some ... but from the women I talk too, the level of steam to be read at that website is 'just right'
I pledged my heart to this woman for a lifetime and now it's like she's a total stranger.
So to whom did you really pledge your heart??... she's gone, yet the grieving goes on & that is healthy.
And am glad that I recognize that NOBODY wants to be in a relationship with me right now!
you might be surprised... however I don't think a woman who would want to be in a relationship with the 'you' in the present would be a woman you would want to be 'you' with in the future.
You guys know how I feel. Like a failure.
I also know you to be a thinker.
"Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes."
---John Dewey
Hugs & peace & if you REALLY are that curious, I'll send you the link off-site
LOL
Bridge
now it's like she's a total stranger
I know this so well. I look at my xH and think "Its his voice, his body, his movements, even his smell". But he's a shell now. That 'click' we had is gone, the part that connected us. Its long gone. So I feel the difference and the distance, like you.
Around me, XW is all steely resolve and "I'm so happy now".
Same here. xH is the exact way. According to his brothers, he stops by their houses all the time, and looks awful. In front of me, smiles and sarcasm.
In the meantime, feeling down again. A bit. Trying to ignore it and move on with life
Don't ignore it. Accept it as a bad day/bad week. It'll get better, you know it always does. Accept it for what it is, you moving on. You can't move on without pain.
And am glad that I recognize that NOBODY wants to be in a relationship with me right now!
lol!!! I call myself 'broken' at the moment too. We'll get there, I promise!
When I'm ready to start dating again, you can guarantee that I won't be crying around friends of XW or sending her songs I think she'd like
You will be ready for a healthy relationship, that's why. She is running, masking, hiding, regretting, all sorts of things. When you are ready, you'll be healed. You won't regret, you won't be running. You will be ready.
Hey lwb,
Thanks. Have picked myself back up and dusted myself off. It is what it is. No use worrying too much about her or what's going on in her head.
House is now hers. The last tie has been cut. I'm a free man. I may miss her, but that woman is historic.
lodo
yes indeed
lol - I figured you'd like that
You were just seeing if I was paying attention!
So glad you are feeling better lodo!!
So glad you are feeling better lodo!!
Me too! Rock on Lodo!
Lodo,
What do you know of working for a PhD and divorce? It seems to be common. Isnt' that partly your sitch? Is there any research on it?
Hi Login,
This has been my sitch - twice now. Quick synopsis: My XW and I were together 12 years. When we first got together, she warned me that she'd never had a serious relationship because she couldn't balance those demands with her academic ambitions. I ignored the red flags. 3 years later, she started a Master's at a prestigious research university; 3 months into it she broke up with me. I later discovered that there was OM, a grad student, she'd started seeing 1 month after promising me she'd be true forever. Long story short, she said no way to me, gave her heart to OM, and 2 months later realized she was lying to herself and she couldn't relate to him like me. It was rocky trying to get back together but we eventually figured it out. By then she'd passed her quals for a PhD but later dropped out because she wanted teaching experience rather than doing research. 2 years later we married.
That was 2002. In summer of 2007 she reinstated in her PhD. 2 months into that, she slept with OM on research trip. 2 months after THAT, she told me she couldn't deny her feelings and moved out. A month later I came to this site and the rest is on my threads. Currently she's called it quits with the first OM and now she's started up with ANOTHER researcher. Our D was final at the end of October and she says she's happy doing what she's doing, though she keeps breaking into tears around one of my friends and has started to tear up around me (until I bundle her out the door).
So that's been my experience and I went crazy at first, scouring the internet for research on PhD pressures and divorce. There isn't a lot out there, but what I've seen isn't good. I work at a research university and see what goes on. It isn't pretty. Especially in the medical school. One spouse supports another all through the tough times and then when the student finally get close to finishing the degree, they dump the spouse. Usually because they feel they're on a "different plane" and they want to just be with their colleagues who share the same interests, teaching loads, who work into the wee hours writing proposals, etc. Things are obviously different at a research university, but ... And I've decided this is more often the case with women than men. Maybe it's because women file for D more than men, but I definitely notice it. And it factors into some things I've read about how women deal with stress vs. men. That said, every sitch is different.
I'm sorry - I know your W is the one pursuing degree. Obviously what I know doesn't hold true for everyone. What's going on with you guys?
lodo
Mine was the opposite - I started the work on an advance degree, and my X walked. He decided that I didn't respect him, or have him high enough on my priority list.
Maybe he was trying to pre-empt the above scenario?
Everyone is different. Bridgestone is working on a degree and has had to deal with unsupportive H on top of everything else.
Who knows, maybe my XW never felt like I supported her. But I tried as much as I could and she never asked for what she wanted.
Donna, did you finish your degree?
I have three classes left...
I had a 4.0 until the world was pulled out from under me. I made the mistake of trying to keep up, but just couldn't keep up with the work or concentrate, and either dropped or failed (not submitting work), so I finally took a break.
I just started back up this month, and hope to graduate by August.
My X was very supportive, but deeply resentful and never said anything.
I just read that middle-child-syndrome makes for men who need a lot of attention...his girlfriend was certainly there to give him that while I was working full time and trying to go to school full-time. I was also competing with the "new relationship" high of daily love letters and gifts, compared to a 20 year reality.
Oh, well.
donna,
are you doing a masters? I am. working on thesis now. I also lost it when the rug was pulled out from under me. The incompletes stacked up but I kept taking the classes and finally made up all the incompletes. I'm way behind on thesis - should have started on it last summer, but it is what it is.
I don't know your how things worked with you and H, but I was resentful of some of XW's behavior re: grad degree. I hated the way she failed to include me or make me feel welcome at social gatherings of her peers. I felt unimportant when she expected me to match her schedule but would never match mine. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that she slept with one of her field researchers and then refused to take even the slightest amount of time away from her work to do something together, even though that was her main complaint - that we weren't doing enough things together. One thing she kept acknowledging was that if we were to work on M it would mean her ending contact with OM/researcher. That would've affected her research project. Plus, she kept saying that her feelings for him aside, she was excited about future research collaborations with him.
Much of that was XW and how she chose to balance work and personal life. But I also wonder how much holds true for others in grad programs. At the research university I'm at, they call Law, Medical, and MBA degrees the "Divorce Degrees". And a study came out last spring saying women with one of those degrees was more likely to divorce than their male counterparts. Here's the
WSJ article.
lodo
Lodo,
Do you hold much regrets leaving the simple life?
EDITED - PERSONAL CONTACT INFORMATION is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.I dont recall, but I seem to remember it was your XW that needed to move for her job that compelled the two of you to leave that qaint little town.
I think that I can understand why it is harder for you to move on and that is because your X and you were very compatible and probably were soul mates. It is too bad that she lacks the character of monogomy with one person for life.
I'll be getting an MA in Education. All the work has been online, using my classroom as the "lab." No research buddies (beyond my elementary students), no peer gatherings.
I'm divorced since June 08. He started a PA with a neighbor 7/06, he moved out 7/07.
Getting my advanced degree never made me want to stray from my then-husband, and he is a high-school grad. I always thought our differently-intelligent selves complimented each other very well. Who knows what he thought, but his affair partner/girl-friend is a high-school grad who is not as intelligent as he is, and has no marketable skills to speak of. I think she is a file clerk at a dr's office part-time, and was stocking shelves in a Walmart for a while.
I'll be getting an MA in Education. All the work has been online, using my classroom as the "lab." No research buddies (beyond my elementary students), no peer gatherings.
Distance Education can be flexible took a bunch of my own PhD classes that way, but it is isolating in a sense...
It's also tough to get the kind of support that graduate students need to go through the process of writing a thesis/disssertation.
good luck to you...stop over to my thread if you ever want to vent!
Peace
Bridge
Just journaling.
Feeling a bit down because I have a presentation tomorrow and I have nothing to say. Frustrated that I can't will myself into higher productivity. Truth is, I'm sick of work. Have no motivation. Just want to get out and enjoy seeing the world.
Had dinner last night with a colleague who'd coordinated a group get-together to discuss innovative ideas. Turns out it was a bunch of motivated parents with PhDs who wanted to do something unique and interesting for k-12 education. Did they consult the schools? No. Did they know the learning standards? no. They all just wanted to have some fun in the name of education and have another unique thing to put on their resume. I'm sure most schools would prefer not to deal with it and just have some money for supplies instead. Am I pessimistic? Perhaps. I like to think it was being realistic.
But the whole thing depressed me because I felt like I was at a conference - first questions, "Where are you at? What do you do?". And then the big egos turned the discussion into a "muy mas macho" research comparison. And all I could think was, I should be having fun and should be interested in these minds and all these ideas, but the truth is I'd rather be out walking about and looking up at the moon.
Okay, truth is I'd rather be pulling a smokin' hot woman close and breathing in her scent, but ....
Anyway, no reason to post. Still trying to figure out how to channel that sexual energy into other pursuits.
lodo
So why can't you go find that smokin' hot woman and pull her close? Sounds like you are wasting your time with these egomaniacs. Put sexual energy into other pursuits? You mean like cross-country mountain biking?
You and I would have both been more suited to work as Rangers in the National Park service. I had the lack of work motivation for a while too, but this last month I have started to get more into it.
Do you have any aspiring GAL goals? Didn't you say you wanted to sled from the top of Mt Hood with me in a little boat? I know of a better mountain boating thrill ride on Mt Shasta with a 50 foot vertical drop added in.
both you guys make me laugh!
Okay, cross-country mountain biking is a bad place to put sexual energy. Interactions with the opposite sex is a GREAT place to put sexual energy.
I'd have been happy as a ranger - stayed in a fire watch tower for awhile in CO.
Would love to sled down Mt. Hood! Could we do it in a sportyak?
Journaling.
I feel like I've made a breakthrough in really letting go. One of the recurring things I've dealt with was asking "Why?" - I'd wake up early and lie in bed and couldn't help but think it. I know most of the stuff - I didn't help out with dishes enough, I should have bought flowers more often, I didn't make XW feel special, etc. But there was something more and I couldn't figure out what it was.
Well, I finally ventured into the Sex-Starved Marriage forum and read some of the sitches and all of a sudden everything came sharply into focus. What I discovered is all stuff Puppy said long ago, but I couldn't hear it. What a difference time makes!
My XW fits almost perfectly the stages that Michelle Langley describes in Women's Infidelity. Her unwillingness to do ANYTHING with me, her extreme guilt, her declarations that finally she was happy and the previous decade was only a result of her naivety. Her belief that she just needed to find the perfect person to make her happy (she's now on #2). Michelle's stages 3-4.
But what struck me was how my "nice guy-ness" just made everything worse. The times I thought I was showing love and patience, she was disgusted. When I "acted as if", she thought I was weak. When I tried to push the affair onto a back burner so we could deal with the immediate problem of what was between the two of us, she was incredulous. The one time I stood up to her, she lost it and cried to come back. When I let her, she became disgusted again. And that was the end.
At the same time, these "nice guy" tendencies were the things she'd encouraged since we got married. She argued down every opinion until I agreed with her, she complained when I went out with friends or did things on my own, etc. She was a control freak. And I gradually lost the interest in standing up to her.
Nowhere more than in the bedroom. She never told me what she liked, never initiated, never did things to try to make me happy, and I slowly lost interest. Gave up. Too much of a chore.
So, I may have lost the woman I love, but now I finally realize that no woman is worth losing yourself. And in maintaining my own sense of dignity and self-worth, I could have probably saved my marriage. Live and learn. At least I know now.
Not to make it sound like her fault. Some things were - actually a lot was. She made bad choices. But my self-respect is my own thing. Who knows, my "nice guy"-ness probably goes back to my relationship with my mother and there's all kinds of stuff to deal with. But for now I need to get back to the spot I used to be - a strong but loving individual with a love for life and all it has to offer. Which I'm doing.
lodo
I think a lot of our WAS equate nice with weak. But I think there are many of us (the kind that post here) that don't do that. Maybe it's a matter of finding the right kind of person that will accept our niceness or whatever personalities we have. Someone that doesn't look for happiness in the perfect guy or girl (b/c I don't think that will work in the long-term). Someone maybe a little less self-focused, more willing to work on an R....I'm probably dreaming huh??? Karen
Hi Karen,
I think there's a difference between being nice and being weak. I'm guilty of being ingratiating because I was scared of rejection. That's no way to live life.
I agree with you that someone will eventually appreciate us for who we are, but I also think we need to be true to ourselves and not give up our own standards in order to be with someone. Otherwise they'll walk all over us and then leave us anyway.
I'm not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore, but go after what I want. Which right now is a beer, to go along with football.
lodo
Hi Karen,
I think there's a difference between being nice and being weak. lodo
I was trying to say that. I think some of our WAS see them as the same, but I don't at all. I think I want to try to be assertive and nice. I'd like to find someone that doesn't feel like if someone is nice, you have to step all over them. I'd like to have an R where I didn't constantly have to defend my boundaries so that I don't get taken advantage of. Where it doesn't feel like constant work to have an R with someone. I don't know if that's possible, but otherwise I think at this point I feel like I'd rather not have an R at all.... Karen
journaling.
Tonight is one of those nights when I can feel the loneliness pressing in on me from all sides with a metallic tang. I know it's going to pass by tomorrow. I know it's all for the best. I know that in time I'll look back and find it hard to think I ever spent much time thinking about it.
But right now the desire to call her or stop by and spend the evening together is overwhelming. Like an itch. I can't mentally share with anyone else the way we shared. I chose her, and I was rejected by her. And I'm haunted by images of how much fun her life must be while I'm still picking up the pieces.
Ah well. It'll pass. Part of it is work - Friday night and I have to do schoolwork because I want to have at least a few hours this weekend. It all feels a bit out of control right now. Suppose that's part of the process.
No worries - this probably sounds pathetic but I'm just venting on a rainy cold dark night when I have to be alone. lodo
I can't mentally share with anyone else the way we shared. I chose her, and I was rejected by her. And I'm haunted by images of how much fun her life must be while I'm still picking up the pieces.
You will never share what you had with xW, because you share children, the love of your lives. But you will be able to share something else, something new, something deep, with someone else when you are ready.
this probably sounds pathetic but I'm just venting on a rainy cold dark night when I have to be alone.
Not pathetic at all. Sometimes, I find myself the loneliest on a crowded room surrounded by people that love me. We are all working through this. Its wonderful that you acknowledge your feelings instead of burying them. I guarantee your xW is burying things deep.
Hey lwb,
Thanks - I was just whining and feeling sorry for myself. Momentary blip. The PMA and GAL goes to he11 when I get really busy with work and can't get out and do the things I'm used to doing.
Unfortunately, that'll be the case for at least the next 2 months - trying to graduate this spring. But, today is much brighter and I know I can do what I set out to do. It's heartening to see a friend of mine who had sunk into deep depression a few years ago. He became suicidal at one point; it was pretty bad. But now he's totally on top of things and leading a rich, full life, pursuing the things that interest him. It's nice to have examples like that, to know that you didn't have to sink as low and to know how high you can rise.
lodo
lodo
Lodo,
I promise you bud that you'll be surprised at how quickly these feelings can pass. Just remind yourself that it is temporary and that things could be MUCH, MUCH, worse! When I look back on my posts from here and entries in my journal from as recent as October/November, I am amazed at where I am now. I made it to a GREAT spot all alone, not relationship for a crutch. I can honestly say that I am very happy that I went through all of the crap over the last year because I know that it needed to happen and that it made me a stronger person.
As for imagining the fun she has in her life... Just bide your time brother. All she is doing is putting off "paying the piper", of that I am certain. Find solace in the fact that you are grieving as you should, feeling the pain that you should, and getting it all behind you. You'll be in a better and "funner" place than her soon, and you'll be in the proper "shape" to stay there long term!
So glad you are happier.
I promise you bud that you'll be surprised at how quickly these feelings can pass.
Steve, you are so right. Stuff that would knock me down for days (a year ago) just leaves a scratch these days. It does get better.
Find solace in the fact that you are grieving as you should, feeling the pain that you should, and getting it all behind you.
Once again so true. We are processing things. For long term, that is much harder than avoiding.
Hey guys,
Yep, thanks. It IS amazing how fast the feelings fade. And Steve, you're prophetic. Heard through the grapevine today that XW ended relationship #2. I'm sure it's because once the new guy started calling and wanting to do things, she was back in that position that she was with me; she isn't willing to put time or energy into anyone but herself, and moreover, she isn't willing to even entertain the thought that there can be balance. She jettisons anything that might be a drag to her focusing on herself and chalks it up to her "independence." Sad, really. Life is all about finding balance.
In retrospect, I put up with a lot without asking for much in return, but I seldom even got that little bit. Lesson learned. The importance of spotting red flags early on, duly noted. The firm boundary of me asking for what I want and standing up for those needs, now being enforced. No more mr. nice guy.
lodo
Lesson learned. The importance of spotting red flags early on, duly noted. The firm boundary of me asking for what I want and standing up for those needs, now being enforced.
WORD!!
But you can still be Mr Nice Guy! That doesn't have to change. Couple the above with Mr Nice Guy and that makes for the ingredients of a great guy who is ready to move on, and is a CATCH!!
Aww, what the he11. Been awhile since a late night ramble.
tonight, what is divorce?
Divorce is, first and foremost, tearing away the preconceptions that society has for you and that you have for yourself. As others have written, it is the death of a dream, the death of the idea that there will be a happy ending. Divorce is the moment when we acknowledge our weaknesses, and decide how far we'll go in forgiving the weaknesses of others.
Divorce is one of those defining moments when we come face to face with ourselves and try to decide what the next step will be - it could be in any direction. There isn't any judgement anymore, no expectations, no hopes, no fears. It simply is what it is and we make of it what we make of it.
Divorce means you've lost a piece of yourself. You're alone and unsure and, quite frankly, scared. This is hardly the time to reinvent, yet that's what the advice books say. Ultimately, you'll get there. Usually without realizing it. The days become weeks, the weeks become months. Routines change, memories fade, new interests grow.
It's all part of the great pageantry of life.
So, in which direction will your step lie?
Me? For the moment I'm sticking close to home. The familiar calms me. But every week finds me more willing to test the waters, try new and different things. If that leads to meeting a new companion, great. But that meeting will be through the context of my interests and not what society expects. No longer what is expected.
lodo
Late night posts... mine have usually been either reflective or raucous depending on the point in the timeline!
Divorce means you've lost a piece of yourself. You're alone and unsure and, quite frankly, scared.
Well, yes, but I think it takes some time before you can actually quantify what it is that you lost. Early on, for me, it felt more profound. After some time I've been able to come to the realization that the majority of what I THOUGHT I lost is actually a welcome change, I was truly able to get rid of a weight that was dragging me down and altering the person I knew I was.
Now, I feel like the most important thing that I've lost is the overall quantity of time I spend with my children. However, due to the removal of the bad behavior of my X, I know that I am spending more QUALITY time with my children and I'm able to be a MUCH better parent to them.
Throw in the things I miss about being "married" and some relationships that have subsided do to my not being there anymore. But... new joys are taking the place of those and in essense it is no different than moving towns.
It's all gonna be good Lodo! Trust me! Go ahead and start looking forward to it, even though you might not actually know what it is yet!
Hi Lodo -
You sound like you are reaching some acceptance of the divorce.
Good plan on finding someone through the context of your own interests.
BTW... Did you ever get out and go sailing in the bay?
Hey kerry,
i have gone out sailing with friends. I don't really know how to do it, though, so I've more often gone out in a kayak.
I think it takes some time before you can actually quantify what it is that you lost. Early on, for me, it felt more profound. After some time I've been able to come to the realization that the majority of what I THOUGHT I lost is actually a welcome change
Hey Steve,
Interesting perspective. Guess I'm not there yet. It's frustrating to be in between things right now. And it sucks that I don't have much time for social life because of trying to finish MS degree. I'm almost there, though, so if I can hold out another couple months it'll all be good.
lodo
I'm almost there, though, so if I can hold out another couple months it'll all be good.
lodo
Yep, that is what I meant by this:
It's all gonna be good Lodo! Trust me! Go ahead and start looking forward to it, even though you might not actually know what it is yet!
Have a great weekend!
Hey Lodo, hope you don't mind me jumping in, without reading ALL the posts, and I hope steveinIn doesn't mind, what I've read, he's been pretty good.
Happy VD day. (wry smile)
the dreams die hard. I'm having a hard time with that, and I didn't get a D.
I think knowing that you can D, that it is a choice, is powerful. At least for me, until my W left, I couldn't even imagine leaving her. Now I see it is an option. I think it should always be an option.
D might mean you lose a peice of yourself, but you also find parts of yourself that had been lost. I like myself better now than before. I will fight not to lose myself in the future.
My best friend went through a terrible break up about the same time I went through my hell. He'd been through it before though. He said it would take him 2 years to get it worked out. It's been about 2 years, and I see him getting more involved, thinking of dating again, getting excited about life, becoming more involved. Two years is a long time, but some people might take longer. But it does work out, just as you said, Lodo.
I think you'll always miss her, and the R, and what could have been. But the meaning will change subtley.
Hey lodo, the news this morning had a blip about skijoring at Steamboat CO. Made me think of you.
You have to process your thoughts and purge your system, but maybe you should just go to bed earlier.
JK, your reflections of the LBS spouse are amazing. It makes me wonder if I am as ready for change as I think I am.
As others have written, it is the death of a dream, the death of the idea that there will be a happy ending. Divorce is the moment when we acknowledge our weaknesses, and decide how far we'll go in forgiving the weaknesses of others.
lodo
Do you mean a happy ending for that M? I still think it's possible to have a happy ending whether single or married. I'm still hoping there might be someone out there that would appreciate me, like me for who I am, be faithful and all that. I mean my H is kind of a cheating liar, the D maybe makes it finally possible to actually have a happy ending? Karen
Hey login,
Just responded to your thread, but happy VD day to you *wry smile back*. Here's my fave VD day movie:
http://www.zefrank.com/valentine/Relationship Apocalypse Day - I like that better.
Dude, it's comforting to know that D is an option?! You sound like a relationship existentialist. Glad you're re-finding yourself, guess that's what we're all trying to do.
Hey WCW,
maybe I should go to bed earlier, lol
Hey Karen,
Yep, I meant the idea that there will be a happy ending for that M. You know, the idea that if you just read DB enough times and tried hard enough it'd all work out. But your final point is well taken
Has been raining here for 2 days straight. I'm beginning to lose my mind.
lodo
hey everyone,
seeking advice on the whole "being friends" question.
XW has started sending me little emails again - not much of anything but little friendly tidbits. How are the cats, I liked the outfit you were wearing today, how is your work coming along - that sort of thing. And she signs them "me", which used to be the way we sent emails to each other. During the midst of the D, she stopped signing emails like that and used her name instead.
So I know she's way overworked and that she broke up with BF #2 because she wasn't willing to place activities with him over her work. So my gut feeling is she's reaching back out to me because I'm familiar and if I respond pleasantly, she won't feel so guilty. At least a month ago she was still breaking into tears around a friend of mine.
In the past, I tried to be friends, but during the D I no longer saw a reason to try so hard. She insisted we shared nothing in common, were incompatible, said she knew we related on many levels but didn't think that was worth much, and refused to do anything together. So my rationale was, on what basis, then, does a friendship rest on? I look to my friends for support, trust, and understanding. So I've been cordial, but have otherwise steered clear to give myself the space I need to get her out of my heart.
My question is, how do I deal with these emails and her sleeve-tugging? I'm sure she's testing the waters. The old me would be friendly and respond in a pleasant manner - that's what she's expecting. The current me doesn't trust why I would want to respond because I'm still not over her. The future me probably wouldn't give a sh*t because she never gives much in return so why bother, although she is very good at social situations, just not relationships.
People keep saying to forgive and take the high road and don't be bitter and don't hold onto the past. So is it not forgiving and being bitter to not respond to XW? We don't have kids, so there really isn't any reason to talk to each other.
thanks, lodo
Why torture yourself over this? To me the answer comes from answering a question : would you choose this person to be your friend?
K
Of course I would, but that's because I still care about her very much. That's why I don't trust myself. I'm not torturing myself, just trying to heal in the best way possible. I just don't want to get all bitter and when I tell myself she isn't worth responding to, I feel myself getting bitter.
You would? Then why isn't she worth responding to? I dont get you. Maybe it is too soon for you?
When me and my Texan husband divorced with a very amicable divorce (neither one of us felt we were ever married under the circumstances we decided to do it), we stayed away from each other for about a year and a half. But we both wanted to be friends and when the time was right (although it WAS a mutual decision, no hard feelings involved) we established a friendship that lasts more than 15 years now.
To be bitter and still feel pain, to me, seems normal.You probably need time to get out of the of the old R and it's "consequences" before you are able to create a new one with her. Could you be yourself with her? Act naturally and talk to her as friends do? Share parts of your life and share parts of her life also?
K
That's what I'm wondering, whether it's too soon for me, but if I don't respond whether that's just building up bitterness.
I don't know how I'd be with her. So far whenever we've gotten together to talk, she's either broken into tears or started to break into tears and I don't feel like I can handle that.
I guess I feel like 4 months has been a long time, but if you and your texan XH stayed away for a year, that helps put things in perspective.
In my case, we both wanted to forget the failure. For us it wasn't the failure of the marriage as such (vows etc), it was the R, it was a great romance that was supposed to have a happy ending. It was a LDR, different nationalities, ages, that came through, we beat the odds..., alas, for a while, and then we had to admit it wasn't right. We both had to really move on before we were ready to revisit our R. Maybe for you guys, it will be easier...
K
thanks k - I don't know where things will end up with my XW and I. I don't know if it will be any easier. I think we both want to forget the failure, but there still seems to be a lot of energy when we're around each other, hence the tears on her part and my need to stay away from her. But I don't know.
I just don't want to end up being bitter. My mom is still bitter over her D even though she's been happily married for 20+ years since and I hate having to listen to her talk about the D. I don't want to end up like that. But I also don't want to get sucked back into that space of feeling like she's reaching out to me because she regrets what she's done. It'll just continue to be a balancing act I guess.
lodo
Can I jump in?
I almost wrote about my xh the other day when I posted and then deleted it all. Lucky you. What I'll say now though is that nearly 20 years later after I was the WAS he still cannot acknowledge my existance. Just last week he and his current W were waiting for traffic (me) but can't even wave. I am 'sponsor' for xsil's D. When she got married they couldn't invite me to the wedding because then xh would not attend. The rest of the family is friendly when I see them, even have come to see the horses. When I finally decided to leave that M I didn't walk, I ran. The man still scares me, but rumor it his current M has problems because his W thinks xh has me on a pedastal. Crazy!!! He is a bitter man. I have much of that part of my life blocked from memory.
You've got some options. Do you like it or want your xw to stay in contact with you? over time it would eventually fade anyway depending on your actions.
You can stay friendly with some occasional light responses.
You can also be direct and ask her what she expects from you.
Better yet, be forward and ask her over for a romantic evening and cook up one your famous meals. That ought to scare her back into hiding. And I don't mean your cooking.
Keep your bubble in the middle.
Hi WCW,
Thanks for that.
I guess I want to stay in contact with XW because I still love her. It's hard for me to imagine that question without those feelings involved.
So far I've stayed cordial and responded lightly. I just don't understand why she keeps the sleeve tugging after a full year of not wanting to talk. Part of me just wants to shut the door on the whole thing so I'll never have to deal with her again. The other part says I can take the high road and she'll eventually fade from my heart.
I can tell you exactly what would happen if I invited her over for dinner. She'd say, "That sounds nice, so yes." And then the day of, she'd email saying, "I got some critical responses on my paper today so I feel like I should work on it tonight, so I have to cancel" or "I have a late meeting and I anticipate being tired afterwards so won't be able to make it." I know because she's already done this many times now, not recently but in the past year.
Okay, this is getting whiny, but you get the idea. Guess it's never clear - keep your bubble in the middle, I like that.
lodo
I think the answer is rather obvious Lodo... it IS too soon for you. Do what you've done "so far", stay "cordial and respond lightly". That isn't bitter at all. Not in the least bit. You just need some more time to elapse and perhaps a bit more experience dealing with your new found situation.
My D was final in June of 08. It was "too soon" for me up until probably November and December. Somehow, a "magical" transformation occurred within me during the last two months of the year. Once the New Year rolled around I was "good" and could deal with any and all interactions. There was no more sparking between us primarily because there was none on my side, there for there was no "spark" to flow back.
Give it time, maintain status quo. If you are worried that you might be missing a golden opportunity to rekindle something, STOP! You know better than that and you also know that if that is meant to be then she will be the one who has to do it. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Time.
Just my opinion...
Just updating.
Steve, you're right. I have had a few minor setbacks and usually document those here, but in actuality, something has happened at the 4 month mark. I don't care like I used to. I get upset by things, but that's mainly memories and not reality at play.
It's weird - I feel that, as time passes, the LBS grows more confident in moving on and the WAS might spend more time in re-evaluating. My XW came by today to discuss a work issue. I could immediately tell she was hungry to talk. And indeed, she quickly turned the conversation towards her personal life with family. As usual, I was cordial and light. She sat down and looked for conversation topics. I shared some anecdotes that had happened over the last couple of months that touched upon our past life - new friends living in apartments old friends used to live in, etc. Caught her up on news from the friends in the old town we used to live in. Showed her pix, though a bit weird because they included a wedding pic in the same place we got married. She admitted she had an appointment, but didn't leave until she absolutely had to. In leaving, she said she'd like to see my thesis if I was willing to share.
And I felt ... nothing. I don't know why she acted like that, I don't know what she wants. Well, okay, she's trying to be friends, and she's clearly forgotten everything she said and did this past year. But I just don't see her in the same light anymore. I see her as someone incapable of sustaining a relationship, whether that be as friend or lover. And I guess I'm not so interested.
So that was good to get under my belt. Got feedback from program director on chap.1 of my thesis - A+, excellent, move on and consider this done! Of course, my advisor ultimately needs to sign off on it and haven't heard from him yet, but well on my way. I know I can do this.
have a good weekend everyone, lodo
Got feedback from program director on chap.1 of my thesis - A+, excellent, move on and consider this done! Of course, my advisor ultimately needs to sign off on it and haven't heard from him yet, but well on my way. I know I can do this.
Hey lodo,
Just checking in on you, you sound like you are doing great. I am glad your thesis is going so well and you are starting to get some closure from your side on your R.
~
It's weird - I feel that, as time passes, the LBS grows more confident in moving on and the WAS might spend more time in re-evaluating.
Yeah, I think so too. Maybe b/c I think LBS tend to be people that analyze and evaluate almost too much, and WAS tend to not analyze or evaluate much if at all? So we are finally settled and done with it and maybe the WAS is just starting to think about the fallout? And congrats also on your thesis. I'm glad it's going well for you!!! Karen
Hiya Snow! Was just thinking of you last week - a friend came by for dinner and guess what she brought? A bottle of pink wine! LOL.
I'm doing okay, thanks for saying hi. I've lost touch with your thread so will need to check in and see how you're doing. I'm sure you're ready for warmer weather.
Hey Karen - that's a good point. I probably agree. I don't think my XW has done much self-examination other than to say "What's wrong with me?"
Hope all is well with you - lodo
Lodo,
Yes, it is funny how the aura they once held seems to fade and we can finally see them for the individual that they are. In my case I saw someone that I knew I would never want a relationship with. There are just too many other people out there with the qualities I desire.
Good job bro! I'm happy for you!
Kudos on the thesis work too! That is a huge boost to get feedback like that!