It so funny the different stages to healing and how just when you think you're on your way, more emotions pop up.
I thought I was well on my way to healing. And maybe I am, but it hurts so bad. I am so angry! And that makes me even angrier! lol
I know my M is over. For me, there will never be a chance of reconciliation. And you would think that after everything that has already happened, I wouldn't be this mad. That I would be past the anger. But the last month or so, it's just gotten worse. I don't like the word hate. I think that life is too short for hatred, but ya know, I really hate him right now. I think that I pushed my anger away for so long and now it's finally all coming out and I can't push it away anymore. I can't even look at him without wanting to say something that hurts him. I can be fine and as soon as I see him when he picks up the kids, its like a switch that goes off in me.
Today is hard. He picked up the kids. My family is in a different state. The few friends I have are with their families. I have his parents here, but they're HIS parents. I'm just a mess today. And I was fine until he picked up the kids. As soon as they left, I started crying. And it didn't help that he gave me a present from the kids that I know SHE bought. I don't want it! They didn't pick it out. They didn't give it to me. I'd rather have them here and getting their hugs and kisses than the stupid body lotion sample pack she paid for! I'm half tempted to put it in a different gift bag and hand it back to him tonight when he drops the kids off. Give a new meaning to regifting!
I talked to my dad about it and he says to put it in the closet with the Mother's Day gift she paid for. (Which is the SAME friggin thing) He says, "Be the better person." But I'm tired of being the better person! He says when I move outta the house, leave it in the closet so when she moves her stuff in, she'll see it.
And no stores are open today! So I can't even do retail therapy! lol I'm a mess!
I just hope this is the 'peak' of this particular stage in the healing process. Are the others this raw and painful?
(((((((L4M))))))))
Its true time will make yr pain less and less.
I have been @ this a little longer than you & this is my first Xmas w/out my girls. I was sad for a breif moment last nite b/c I was missing them (only the girls). I was not in the same position last Xmas, still hoping X would be w/us all.
For some reason all those stages people refer to that us LBSrs go thru, well the anger, I have not gone thru for or stayed @ for very long. I dont know if its b/c I forgave X from the very start of the A & felt God smiled down @ me for it but.....just give it time.....
I went into work this morning so I can be distracted for I knew that pain would set in whenever I got the kids call, which it did. D11 was surprised OW told them to call their mom to wish me a happy Xmas (barf) yeah right....i know she wants to shoove it in my face thats all, so I can hear what all HER family got them.
I wont see my kids until this Sunday nite , so I told them we will celebrate Xmas then. X was already trying to pawn the girls back off one day early but I will be off all next week and I had plans to celebrate my BFF bday that nite anyways, told him no.Heck you can make EVRYDAY XMAS!!!
Go & do something to distract yrself.
Sending you lots of love!
Well, I went out and hit CVS, the only place that was open! lol Spent some time at my inlaws too...I feel alot better than I did.
I thought I had forgiven stbx for all the old stuff and was working on the newer stuff. But I think what I did was just pushed it aside, like I have always done when he cheated. Just pushed it aside and moved on. And I think this is showing that.
It's not so much I'm mad for each affair, or each thing. I think it's just everything in general, ya know. Everything has built up to this. I've pushed everything down and now I'm exploding, ya know. And that makes me even more mad. I'm mad at myself for letting myself get this far.
I just need to keep my emotions in check. It's hard right now. I miss my kids. Usually, they cheer me up when I'm having a down moment. S3 was so sweet one day, he heard me and stbx arguing on the phone and he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and then painted me a picture. So sweet!
Thanks chicki, I always feel better after reading your posts!
yet again I'll peddle 'healed withoutg scars' to help you deal with this hurt.
I too thought I'd forgiven him but anger about all the crap he's put me through rises now and then, and I had to admit i hadn't really forgiven him. My forgiveness is slow and weak, I prayed for God's forgiveness to give to him, onlythen did i start feeling I was releasing myself from that anger I felt.
I hear you hon))))))))))) it hurts, but remember that forgiveness is a process, it is not instant, it takes time, so give yourself some credit, it was pretty awful stuff you and I went through.
I also had to drop kids off, at leasts for a few hrs, and it felt awful, but it passed, sorry you felt bad yesterday))))))))))
Know that you WILL be fine, that you WILL be stronger and a better person. Your dad sounds like a wise person, listen to him
I hope today finds you in better spirits.
Thanks cat, I do feel better today. It helps that it's over 50 outside already! lol hopefully it will melt the foot of snow we have on the ground!
I think forgiveness is the hardest thing...but I know I have to give that in order to move on.
I know we all have felt the same way I did the other day. So raw, so hurt, so exposed and so lonely. I'm thankful that I have a place to go to and talk about it with people that have been there. Thanks guys!
I'm getting there...one small step at a time.
I get soooo pissed off angry at times, too. Usually right before I have a complete emotional breakdown and cry for a day. Then..I get myself together and keep going. Like cat said.. I think it's a process. You see little changes like the anger not lasting as long or felt as deep and then, you know it's part of your healing.
All in all.. I think the holidays just make it all harder.. I felt so angry before Christmas because of how wrong it is for kids to have to split up their time between Mom and Dad. AND, that they have to even spend one minute with a ho.. UGH!!
Livin4ME, the others have said it all, it takes time and just when you think you've got it beat, it jumps up to bite you in the butt again! Don't worry, it's normal and especially at this time of year. One way I dealt with my anger was keeping focused on making the best of the situation for my kids. If I let loose at STBX every time my anger arose my kids would end up the victims, to her it would just be another confirmation as to why she didn't want me anymore (not that anger problems had anything to do with our S, just to be clear). Now, because I have been able to deal with my hurt and anger to a large degree, I was able to spend Xmas with my kids and my STBX. Yes, we celebrated together. We had a great day as a family, in fact, I slept over on Christmas Eve so I'd be there when the kids awoke. In the afternoon we went to my parents, again as a family, to celebrate there too. Now, I have no idea whether such an arrangement would be good or desirable for you but I only bring it up to show that the anger can be put to rest and better days can lie ahead. Hang in there!
So this is way off the main topic here, but I was just watching The View. They said there was a survey taken regarding cheating. They said only 1% blamed the other woman and then they got off on some tangent about that. But I was wondering. Who here blames the OW/OM? Or do you hold WAS completely responsible?
In my sitch, I hold STBX primarily responsible, but I also hold OW responsible. At first I didn't. But after everything is said and done, I do. Anyone else?
So this is way off the main topic here, but I was just watching The View. They said there was a survey taken regarding cheating. They said only 1% blamed the other woman and then they got off on some tangent about that. But I was wondering. Who here blames the OW/OM? Or do you hold WAS completely responsible?
In my sitch, I hold STBX primarily responsible, but I also hold OW responsible. At first I didn't. But after everything is said and done, I do. Anyone else?
Here's a thought, why does it matter? Let's say we all figure out who is to blame WAS or OW/OM or whatever, how does that change anything? It is what it is, a sh!tty situation that we all must make the best of. Personally, I don't care who is more to blame, I forgive them both and move on. I'll let God figure out the judgement stuff. That's what's best for my life and the life of my kids...end of story!
ok guys, I need your prayers tomorrow. New Years Eve my MIL's sister died of a massive heart attack, tomorrow is the funeral. MIL wants me there and I want to be there for her. STBX is bringing OW. Perfect timing for introductions seeing as emotions are going to be so high.
I'm very upset by this because I feel stbx is drawing a line tomorrow. Neither one of us have ever asked his family to choose sides. Thru all of this, they have welcomed me on all occasions and been there for me because my family lives so far away. I do not ask what stbx is up to, what they've talked about with him, nor do I ask them to speak to him about our relationship. It's none of my business and I respect their relationship with him. I've grown very close to them all, especially his mother. He on the other hand, has distanced himself a great deal from his family.
I understand this is HIS family and he has every right to bring her. And if MIL had not asked me to be there with her, I would only make an appearance before they arrived. But she has insisted that I be there with her for the duration of the day. And like I said, I want to be there with her.
The thing is, his family has made it quite clear that they want nothing to do with OW until the D is final. FIL had the opportunity to meet her last summer at my house and he refused. Instead, having me bring the kids out to the front so he could see them while stbx and OW stayed in the back yard.
He brought OW to the hospital and back to his aunt's house the night she died. OW sat in the car the whole time. He asked his mom if she could come in and she said no. Knowing all this and why he would still bring her to the funeral is beyond me. And I find it quite disrepectful to his family.
And to be honest, I feel he's drawing the line saying, "this is MY family. WE are here now, you can leave." And I feel that even tho his family has insisted they will not having anything to do with her until it's final, he is pushing her on them.
So I'm asking for prayers for tomorrow, not only for the family as they mourn their loved one, but also for myself. I pray that God gives me a clear head to be there for MIL, courage to be there for her, and guidance on how to handle the situation.
Hi there, I will share a thought. I went though something similar when my FIL died and I was not yet divorced although my x did not dare bring the ow to the service. It was still uncomfortable as most people did not know that he had left me.
Your MIL loves you and wants you to feel that you are part of her family still. But you have to do what is right for you as well. There will be many people around your MIL I hope. If so you can go to services, perhaps offer to help at the house before the guests arrive if that is the format, and then gracefully sneak out before the stbx shows up.
If you run into them, be graceful, express condolences to the stbx, take a good look at the ow after you express your sorrow to the stbx, and either continue your duties as the daughterinlaw or get on home, whatever you choose. Good luck, you can do it. Wonder
I only blame the EX...
the OW has only heard from him what she probably is assuming the truth...she doesn't know the truth I don't blame her at all...she doesn't know his MLC and what he did.
No matter what kind of person I was or wife I was,I will always blame ex for what he did to me and our children...
Nothing you do can justify what Ex has done if they cheat. No one deserves that from anyone.It is just to painful and hurtful... ITSY
It's so sad just how self centred and hurtful they can be. In order to deal with his guilt he's going to shove OW into the faces of his family and you. In some bizarre way he thinks this makes what he has done legitimate. I guess he fakes it until he makes it! So he just carries on as though he's done nothing wrong. He pretends while hurting everyone else around him at a time of great grief for all involved. It's the same old same old...it's all about them, baby. You do what you feel best doing Livin4ME, nothing you do aside from making a horrible scene (which you won't do) would be inappropriate. You are courageous and loving just to go, be proud of that fact. You are way ahead of him!
I want to thank everyone for their prayers. stbx DID show up with OW. BIL warned FIL about 2 minutes before they walked in. He made sure to be near MIL. A few minutes after their arrival, I was surrounded by family asking if I was ok. I handled it very well. We just kept our distance. He walked by and tapped me once and said hi so I turned around and asked how the kids were, he replied and I turned back around. Thru it all, I had about 15 family members come up and ask me if I was ok and how he could bring her. Then the next statement was either, "she's hideous!", "so ugly!", "yuck!", "he's stupid!", "what does he see in her!?" or my favorite, "I wouldn't even give her a 3 to your 8!" lol
If he drew the line yesterday, the whole family let him know that they didn't see it.
Of course, he decided to be a jerk last night. He's had the kids since New Year's Eve and brought them back last night. I noticed he didn't bring back S3's favorite stuffed animal that he can't sleep without. So I asked if he could meet me half way so he could have it for last night. His response was that he wasn't going to waste the gas and I needed to learn how to tell our son no and stop letting him walk all over me as I heard OW laughing in the background. So I drove the 45 minutes to his apartment to get the stuff animal so S3 could sleep.
Today was the actual service, but I couldn't go because of no sitter. But I took them to the luncheon afterwards at the request of MIL.
So over all, it went well, given the circumstances. I didn't let them get to me and I was able to put them aside and be there for the family.
Yes, sometimes the bad can also bring the good. If you hadn't have gone to the funeral you would not have learned how deeply your inlaws feel towards you, that is indeed priceless. You were selfless in going and being there for the family and you were blessed by having done so! Hang in there, it WILL get better...it will!!!!
Well here's something amusing. Talking to stbx's cousin at the luncheon after the service on Monday. She tells me that another cousin, the one who's mom just died, was talking to her the night before. I've only got to meet him a couple times over this last year because he lives in another state. And he says, "(stbx)is just stupid. I've been able to talk to (me) and she's a great person. Do you think it would be weird if...ya know." hahaha and she was encouraging me to talk to him! I mean we had talked a couple times just about random stuff. And he told me he has gone thru a similar sitch and I was gonna be ok. I just think it's funny! Definitely lets me know how the family feels about me! lol
ok guys, I'm having issues with S3. Hoping ya'll can give me some insight on how to handle it.
When he comes back from spending time with stbx, he wets the bed at night and will have random accidents during the day. He's been potty trained for a while now and sometimes he would have accidents, but they've become more frequent in the last couple months. And I've noticed that it's usually the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th night after being with stbx. After that, he'll be fine until the next visit. During the day when he has an accident, he'll just stand up from whatever he's doing, and won't even attempt to run to the bathroom, he'll just go.
Also, his tantrums and meltdowns have become more frequent. I know that it's somewhat normal for his age, but at what point does it become 'not normal'!? He's been trying to get me and stbx to hug and kiss, refusing to talk to stbx on the phone when he calls, and has not wanted to go with him when he picks him up. And the smallest thing will set him off in a complete meltdown where he screams and cries for his dad and I can't get him to calm down! Again, I know some of it is 'normal' for the age, but how much of it!? And how to I handle it? I can't keep calling stbx everytime he has a meltdown. Is there something I can do? I try calming him down and I'm calm myself when he does this stuff. Sometimes I do get upset, but more times than not, I'm calm. When he has an accident, I don't get onto him or yell. I tell him it's ok and he tell him next time, he needs to hurry to the bathroom.
I'm just at my wits end with it, ya know. Any advice or suggestions?!
aww, poor little guy, guess he's pretty confused now. Ask stbx if s3 is having accidents at his place, if he is, then it is just a matter of potty training him again, or perhaps stbx isn't taking him to the bathroom before bedtime or when it's needed, calmly bring up this concern to him so he can try to do a better job to help s3 go to the bathroom often.
I half remember when my d5 was 3 she did try a few times to have us hug or kiss, perhaps when he does this pick him up and kiss him and tell him you love him and that dad loves him too.
The meltdows are somewhat typical, but you are right, you can't keep calling his dad when he does this or he'll use it as a weapon more often. Just calmly tell him that he isnt' here and that mom is here to help him, be consisten and don't call his dad anymore. 3 is a hard age as they try to find who they are and kids are trying to find their voice.
Do you know when you've started to forgive? I've been praying for help with forgiving stbx. I know I need it in order to move on. I know in order for me to have any chance at future R's, I have to forgive him and get this ugly anger out of me.
I believe I'm starting to do that. S3 was talking to him this afternoon and he passed the phone to me, saying he wanted to talk to me. We talked about S3's dentist appt earlier. I owe the dentist money, so I asked him the payment schedule and told him I would be taking them a check Thursday when I go back. That opened up quite a bit of conversation. Started rather cold.
He of course told me that everything is on me because I can't get passed this. I told him that I'm working on it. That's why I can't talk to him without saying something mean and hurtful to him. His response of course was, "you can't say anything hurtful to me, I'm over it." But that's why I don't talk to him. I don't want to cause any more issues because of something I may say. So I don't say anything. And once I get my issues worked out, then I can start a coparenting relationship with him. He of course wanted to know my issues and so on and so forth. Really wanted way too much information for someone being over it. I answered everything honestly, but didn't tell him absolutely everything, because I feel that I don't owe him details. This is MY healing process. Our tones changed by the end of the conversation. We weren't yelling, screaming and cussing like we usually do. In fact, we didn't do that at all this time. He had another call and asked if we could finish this later. I said ok.
But I really think I needed to have that conversation with him to REALLY start my process of forgiveness. I've been playing it in my head for a while now, wondering how it was going to go. Ya know when you're so mad at someone and you can't say anything to them, so you just attack them in your head?! lol I didn't attack him like I had in my head so many times. I didn't point fingers, well, too many anyways! lol Nothing was really even accomplished in the whole conversation, we didn't agree or disagree on anything for the kids or anything like that.
But I feel a certain degree of peace after this afternoon. Its weird really. I can't describe it. It's just there.
And I think I've finally accepted that it's over between us. I wish him well, altho, karma's a b*tch! I know more feelings are going to arise out of this and I know I'll have to deal with them. And I'm not saying I'm completely over it. But I think I have FINALLY started healing. And I feel better about it.
For me forgiveness comes in stages. I remember a sermon at church that was all about forgiveness, and how you had to forgive before you could be forgiven. I told her that day I forgave. Of course that wasn't the end. But now, 7 months after it is final and 14 months since I moved out, the anger isn't there anymore. Every once in awhile I'll get a twinge, but it quickly subsides.
Just like the others have said, it just takes time.
As for having to have THAT conversation... not sure that will really help. The forgiveness and healing comes from within you and it won't turn on a dime.
I agree Steve, it does come in stages. And that's another thing I've been praying about, I know I have to forgive him in order to be forgiven myself.
The thing with this afternoon...it's not like, ok, I forgive him, time to move on. I have a long way to go to forgive him for things that have happened. And I long for the time when I am able to forgive him for everything. I've been asking God to soften and heal my heart and take the anger away so that I CAN begin to forgive him.
I think what was accomplished today was a start. I went from not even being able to look at him, much less talk to him, to being able to have a conversation with him. Granted, it wasn't a happy go lucky conversation! But I don't feel it was a bad one either. We both started upset, but ended it civil, which we haven't been in quite a while.
Prayer can be a HUGE part of forigiveness, but it will still come in stages. Most all of us know that deep hurt and anger, just takes time to run it's course even when you are asking that it be taken away.
You'll just realize at some point down the road that the majority of it is gone. Something will flare it up again and you'll get over it quicker than you did before.
yes, forgiveness is a process not an instant desicion, at some point you are able to not be angry when you look back. Last year I said I forgave him I really didnt since I was still pretty angry at remembering all the crap he did to me.
I prayed to God to give him his forgiveness to give to him, it helped me lots.
Hi guys, Hope everyone is doing good.
Things have been up and down here. S1 came home with a stomach bug from stbx's on Sunday night. Then I got it. S3 has a cold and D1 is teething. So lots of fun! lol
Stbx and I are able to speak to each other now. It helps that he is now being nice. But I know, because of the past, it won't last long and he has a plan behind it.
We're meeting this coming week to go over the settlement. Things will pretty much be the same as the last one, just a few things different that I'm asking for.
I'm very excited to be starting the next chapter of my life! I will be moving back home with my parents for a bit until I get back on my feet. Not the ideal situation, but it's all for the best. But I'm happy to be able to spend more time with them and my kids to be with them. We live too far away right now to just pop in for a visit. I'm excited to get S3 into soccer and pre-k in the fall. And he's going to be going to the same elementary school I went to!
The future is so exciting and scary at the same time! This time last year tho, it was more scary for me. But now I find myself being impatient to start it! lol We'll be moving in the next 2 months or so, and it seems like its so far away!
you sound good, I'm happy for you, yes, envision a good future for you and the kids, you'll do great)))