Hello DBer's
The date went SENSATIONALLY!
This thing is proceeding 1000 miles an hour, and I'm more than fine with it. She told me that she had a crush on me for about 10 years, even when she was married (before her husband cheated on her!). Just like I felt, she described the first time I saw her in the gym as a showstopper. She said as soon as she heard I was back from Iraq, she hoped our paths would cross, because she knew I was getting divorced from STBX (Who?). When her ex-husband told her 3 years ago that STBX and I were getting divorced, she said she internally shouted YESS! I have also had a thing for her for years. She is a home run, and it's almost like I caught "Lightning in a Bottle". She told me she has never felt so connected to anyone, and I feel the same. I thought a lot about her in Iraq, but thought our paths would never cross, but they did by a case of some weird JUJU, in the gym a month ago. it should never have happened in a million years. I hadn't seen her in 4 years, and she had moved to another town with her daughters.
This is going to move forward. No doubt about it. It is hugely mutual. Here's the question. Only you and a couple of my other friends know about my dark period when I tried to check out. I am not bringing this up, ever, if I can help it. How the fu** should I handle this?
I am not bringing this up, ever, if I can help it. How the fu** should I handle this?
I'd say after the first time she shares her PAP test results w/ you.
We all have chitt, babe. When the time is right (and that's not now) you will know. Peace.
Goldy
Home run! Awesome answer!
There may come a time when you will bring this up.But by then you will know her better and hopefully you will be close enough that you will be comfortable enough to tell her the truth.
But in the meantime take it slow and get to know her better.You will know when and if it is safe to tell her.
Later Friend
Briget
Glad you had fun, FLTC (sounds like "fun" might be putting it mildly!!
) . Actually I was afraid you had been kidnapped since it took a few days for you to start a new thread!!! My only caution.....watch what you say to the children. I wouldn't want them to say something to their MOTHER and have your STBXW use it against you somehow. (I know that seems a silly thing to say based on her own antics. However, I don't trust her and I don't even know her!
)
You deserve happiness, FLTC!
Thank you for serving! I am grateful.
sg
Kudos on the great time, FLTC..
Here's the question. Only you and a couple of my other friends know about my dark period when I tried to check out. I am not bringing this up, ever, if I can help it. How the fu** should I handle this?
You don't have to do anything. If you're never going to bring it up, what's the problem?
For me it comes down to secrets and trust. If it's going to eat away at you, then consider what you need.
BUT.. this is the fun time, enjoy the moment. Just remember what your priorities are.
*hugs*
Thanks, guys. There are so many weird things that happened to get up together. She sold her house 20 minutes away on July 11, 9 days after I returned from Iraq, and moved back to the town where we both once lived. I joined a gym I had never gone to because D16 belonged to it, and I thought I would run there with her. Even though I corresponded with another woman in Iraq, that just never went everywhere. It was like dragging the Statue of Liberty around. I did all the pursuing, work, etc.
The new woman told me that when she heard I had returned from Iraq, she was first glad I was safe, and that she hoped we would somehow meet, although she didn't know how it would happen. She said she has been lonely for a long time, and has dated a few guys who weren't even tolerable, and stopped looking for anyone.
Then on a Wednesday afternoon, I looked up from a bench at the gym, and there she was! My heart stopped. We talked for an hour. I left and said, "I'll see you again". She just looked at me and said "Yeah..." I thought about her for 18 months on active duty, thinking she was out of reach, but always being enamoured by her being pretty, smart, funny and irreverent, ALL THE QUALITIES I LOVE. She told me the same things about me!!!! (not the pretty part)
We went out and it was electric. She said she had been guarded for 8 years, afraid of being hurt again, but her heart just melted when we went out. She told me that 3 years ago when her ex-husband told her STBX and I were divorcing, she secretly said "YESSSSS!" I told her I have a lot of faults, but not being fiercely loyal and faithful, were NOT among them....the "Heart of a Soldier". Believe it or not, I do live the Army Values. We're going to a party together on Saturday, and we are taking a "sick day!!!!" on Monday. We both agree kids first. I'm ecstatic! Thanks for your encouragement. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for wishing me happiness. We ALL deserve it after being dragged behind the truck of a devasated marriage.
Amazing! You sure sound happy!
Your divorce has been going on for three years???
Gyps,
We were separated when I was mobilized. Because of the Soldiers and Sailors Relief Act, a civil action can't be initiated against a mobilized Soldier until 90 days after de-mobilization, thankfully for those of us in a war zone. That's the LAST thing you need on your mind. I hoped that time and distance would have help, but all it di for her was seal the deal. As it turns out, she may have done me the biggest favor of my life, as evidenced by the last week of my life! Maybe I WAS married to the wrong person, but I NEVER would have walked away because of the kids.
Mattie,
It is absolutely electric. She has fallen for me in the same way that I have for her. She is an ER Nurse and is so pretty funny and smart, it's beyond belief. She's been deeply hurt too, so she gets that part. I really don't think I'm delusional.
She's been deeply hurt too, so she gets that part. I really don't think I'm delusional.
I am truly happy for you, FLTC!!! It is wonderful to "hear" you sound happy!!! I think I was sending out a warning about your wife and how she might use this against you somehow; she seems devious. Don't mess up negotiations now because you want to divorce fast. Does that make sense???
Hello there FL! It was good to hear that your date went well. My oldest son surprised me and flew in from Hawaii to spend time with us this week, so I've been away. I've had a great surprise this week! It was my Christmas. I love my kids so much FL. Without them, my life would be so much less.
I'm certainly not a "fixer" by any means, because my life mirrors so many here. But I do want to caution you - take it or leave it. One date means just that. One date. I know how it feels to have another listen when you've been beating your head against the wall for months or years. It's great. I missed having morning coffe with my love for so long and talking about anything - work, kids, life.
I also know that a connection with someone else is something that does not happen every day. It's really rare. So with that in mind, keep that good connection going, make sure your kids know that it's them who are important to you, and make that fine balance that allows everything to happen. It's a hard thing to do because what we want has to be put on hold for what our kids need. This I know. I managed to find a person who understood that. He still does. So be careful, have fun, and make sure your kids are OK.
D16 saw me texting my new woman this evening and asked if I was seeing someone. I took her out in the hall and said that I was, and told her who it was. She responded she couldn't be happier. She knows this woman's D16, and was friends with her a while ago. She knows the pain that I and the new woman went through. New woman was ecstatic it went so well,as was I. Stay tuned.
I really don't think I'm delusional
I agree you are not delusional. I believe you are infatuated but enjoy it for what it is and in the future look at these salad days with a smile.
I've had a few good night kisses since the Clinton Administration however during Republican administrations they trailed off but you definitely have earned some fun.
This could influence future political choices.
FLTC, it sounds wonderful but remember you're still hurting and you won't see things in any R the way they really are for awhile. Go slow, and remember that if she has been deeply hurt too there may be some demons in her past that could crop up. It is an amazing thing when you meet someone and you are both able to share your hurts and care for each other. But, just be careful, OK! You're still very fragile.
Thanks, all. Yep. It is infatuation, but it's going both ways, and I'll take it for what it's worth. We went to a party last night and had a great time. We both talked about being lonely for a very long time, and how we really had a chemistry for each other even when we were married. I'll keep you posted.
Feel better? (since you have a sick day today
)
Hey FL...
Enjoy..
Revel..
Rejoice..
Just listen to your little voice within and
Pay attention to red flags.
Whoo hoo!
*hugs*
Wow. Sounds like a lot has happened this last week.
Glad that D16 is being understanding and seems happy.
Enjoy your sick day.
FLTC, I have a feeling you may forget us soon! However, I hope you will keep in touch!!!
Merry Christmas early!!!
LOL
Perhaps he will not post as much, but somehow I doubt he could forget everyone he met here! (I hope LOL)
Glad you had a nice day.
Thanks, Ladies. "The Woman From the Gym" is turning out to be everything I thought she always was. We have been having a great time together, and have been calling each other like 15 year olds. She has had a few dates but as she said, nothing there. I tried to connect with a woman administrator from school. Nice...no chemistry, flat, cold. All I know is that when we are together, we both have told each other that it is electric, so it is mutual. She knows my STBX, I know her X, who when he found out told her "FLTC is a great guy. One of the funniest people I've ever met". Her Daughters and mine know each other, we told them and they were great with it. Her kids said "Mom, you started dating someone normal". I guess that's good. Her last guy was a "stalker", "I just need to see you for 5 minutes. I promise that's all the time I need." guy...Yech!
We have know each other for 20 years, and were married to other people, who I guess now, were not good for either of us. I have no regrets about seeing her. I did everything I could to try and save my marriage. I was loyal to my own detriment, losing myself, and almost my life. NOT GOOD. She has said she will protect my heart and never hurt me because of what we have both been through. She is aN icu nurse, totally getting the Army thing, and has looked into becoming an Army Reserve nurse. So far, it's all good. We seem to be very emotionally connected. She said yesterday, let's get your divorce over with so we can get on with this. Hmm. She said she would support me through the whole process. Yes. I may be infatuated, but I MAY have found the love of my life. I KNOW>>>GO SLOW!!!
THAT BEING SAID. I CAN'T FORGET YOU GUYS, MATTIE, MICHELLE, GYPSY, DONNA, WHAT IS, BETHIE, HAPPY, SUPER DAD, FRANK_D AND OF COURSE NO HILL. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN HERE FOR ME FOR THREE YEARS. THREE OF THE DEEPEST DARKEST YEARS OF MY EXISTENCE. YOU ARE WONDERFUL, KIND HUMAN BEINGS WHO DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THE SH&T SANDWICH LIFE HAS HANDED EACH ONE OF US ON THIS BOARD!
Hey Fl..
Neat stuff!
Get to know each other through the four seasons.. and look forward to the changes.
*hugs*
PS.. isn't it neat when you focus on yourself, rather than the injustices of your spouse?
Thanks, Gypsy. I'm very excited about this, and she is too, which makes it great. We have both been lonely for a long time.
STBX has NOT gone away however. D18 is home from school, and has one of the cars from the fleet currently at my old house. She backed into a car owned by a friend last Friday. No one hurt, no alcohol involved, no police. The kid she hit originally said he didn't want to involve the insurance company. There was no damage to our vehicle. I did nopt tell STBX. Why? No damage, no injury, the kid wasn't interested in involving the insurance company. I guess in hindsight, I should have told her, but EVERYTHING is a NIGHTMARE with her.
Well, the kid now demands the car be fixed. It's a pece of sh*t Honda, and he'll just pocket the $1300. STBX went thorugh the ceiling: "According to the Parenting Plan, you are required to call me for all significant actions involving the kids." I stated, OK, but at the time, there was no injury, no damage to our car, and originally no demand for payment. She then follows on with "Since she was with you, you handle it". D18 is insured on W's policy. So I thought "handle it" meant to well.....handle it. I called her insurance company and opened a claim. What else to do, right. As I am talking to the agent, he said "There's already an open claim from Dec 9th re: D16 and Smarmylawyerboss' Jeep." D16 had rear ended a vehicle AND STBX NEVER TOLD ME!
I proceeded to email STBX with the claim information. Here are the two emails I got back from the psycho bi*ch from hell:
You called my insurance carrier? What possible right do you have to do that? If I want to make a claim on my insurance that is my decision not yours. I assume you will pick up the increase in the rates. By calling my insurance carrier you’ve forced me into an expense I can’t afford. Handle it doesn’t mean pass it off
NUMBER 2 email:
Put her on your insurance immediately.
MY DECISION: If I put her on my policy, I give STBX less money per month.
FLTC, man I am so very glad to read such glowing and positive things from you. You know one of the things that really is great is having been around in those darker days then around now, the change, to see someone come out of it all in a positive way. I see and feel it in myself but seeing it in someone else is super.
Now I do want to post a word of caution to you. I too encountered someone that initially blew my socks off. She is absolutely awesome, a superb woman. We have had a great time together. I've often wondered to myself "is this the right woman...could I have met her so soon after the D?"
Here's the rub, after 3 months I began to realize a few things, first I had come a long way and life in general was really good, second, she's much further along the divorce path than me and in an even better place, (she's been D'ed 4 years) and third I still have a ways to go. So sadly this week it's all come to an end. I need to take some time still to work on me and finish establishing and settling me and my life.
So be well aware that these are great feelings but that you may find that you have some of the road to still travel before you are completely ready for an in-depth relationship.
Its too late to switch the kid for this accident. If she was on your wifes insurance then that insurance has to pay. As far as pocketing the money....the other kid may get forced to take it to a repair shop by the insurance company.
cf,
Welcome back! Dam*, I knew when I listed all those who responded to me, I'd leave someone out. Sorry! I think what makes this easier for me than you might be the fact that I've realy been apart from my STBX for well over 2 years, and the year in Iraq was really a life-changing experience for the better. Nothing like 81 MM mortars and 107mm rockets landing on your work area to give you clarity of thought! Also, we've know each other for 20 years, and have always had fun. I know a lot about her already. The breaking point for me was in 2007, leaving for Iraq, my kids wrapped around me crying, my STBXW, DID NOT even say goodbye. She just sat in the car. THAT'S when I moved on. Another factor with "gym woman" is the mutual feeling of this. We spent a whole day just talking (and other stuff!) about where we were in life, and what we wanted and what was important. You're right, though, YOU NEVER KNOW, but my moving on, has been going on for a long time, even without finding someone else.
Hey Flynn,
My STBX is WHACKED. She's unstable and probably also drinks too much. She HATES the world, and is so incredibly angry all the time. Case in point: My S10 had a presentation at school yesterday. she arrived late. There was a seat next to me. S10 points to it and said "Sit there, mom". She proceeds to move to the other side of the room, and STANDS for an hour so she doesn't have to be near me, as though I was the one scre&ing MY boss for the last 18 months. GET OVER YOURSELF!
Thanks for the hugs, Mattie!
Aw shucks FL.
Thanks for metioning me. I want nothing but the best for you. No more or less.
I know exactly how you feel. I too met someone after my marriage failed who made me feel the way you feel. I know how special that is. AND it is special. So you go and feel special. We have such heartbreak that the special feelings we get from someone who understands our plight is really something that we never expected. So enjoy it.
Three of my kids were here tonight. I love those kids so much. But having someone to share my life is gravy. So go and share. And if I don't get back here before next week, FL I wish you a very merry Christmas. Nobody deserves that as much as you. Happy Holidays to you.
Reading your thread is great for me.
For one reason, my ex seems pretty tame so I feel blessed.
The second reason, I feel hopeful that someday I might meet someone special. Right now that seems so impossible. It is good to hear you sound so happy. I am pleased that this Christmas will probably be better than you ever dreamed. Enjoy the moment!
FLTC, you wrote: "we've know each other for 20 years, and have always had fun. I know a lot about her already. The breaking point for me was in 2007, leaving for Iraq, my kids wrapped around me crying, my STBXW, DID NOT even say goodbye. She just sat in the car. THAT'S when I moved on. Another factor with "gym woman" is the mutual feeling of this. We spent a whole day just talking (and other stuff!) about where we were in life, and what we wanted and what was important. You're right, though, YOU NEVER KNOW, but my moving on, has been going on for a long time, even without finding someone else."
Now, as you know, during the last days of my M I met someone who "blew my socks off", yes we too sat and talked for hours and I thought that maybe despite all this Hell there really was a light at the end of the tunnel. I told myself that my M had been over for years and connecting with someone else was just the ticket, especially a real beauty with brains and a load of empathy. It made me realize what it was like to spend time with a woman who actually enjoyed talking with me! She listened to me, cried for me and then shared her story just to show me that "no matter how bad it gets, it will always get better". I was sure that eventually we would be an item. Everyone else on the planet thought we'd end up together, even my STBX who said "why don't you two cut the crap and start dating like normal people, you're not just coffee pals"! Now, that all said, I put myself in a situation that is certainly different than you have and also dug my own grave BUT when my friend ditched my ass without warning I was pretty unhinged about it. I was still nursing my wounds from a 17 year M that went down the toilet, I was hurting and was in no place to handle another rejection no matter how reasonable and understandable it may have been. Don't overestimate your healing right now, newly separated guys on this board are notorious for seeing reality a little differently than it really is. We want so badly to be validated, to feel like men again that we convince ourselves that we are ready to move on. I've seen it over and over again and I include myself in that observation. The more you share and connect the more vulnerable you are. I'm not saying don't do it, I hate to always sound like the wet blanket
but just be real careful and don't overestimate what you can handle right now, OK? Otherwise, have a great time!
cf,
Welcome back! Dam*, I knew when I listed all those who responded to me, I'd leave someone out. Sorry! ...
Hey buddy no need to apologize. I should apologize to plenty of folks here because I just disappeared for a good while. But I needed to go focus on me and all too often hanging around too much kept me from moving forward in a way I needed. So I had to step back from the forums for a while.
Now back to subject at hand, your friends here want to help make sure you don't rebound and actually take a step or two backwards. If you haven't
read this thread. Lots of good advice and insight here.
I will also offer this advice. If it is a rebound relationship, it's best to recognize it early on then use it as a step in the right direction for you both. Take it slow, take it easy, be sure to maintain your own life and don't get physical because that just muddies up the water WAY TO MUCH. No need to go play in minefields when you don't have to. Lastly, enjoy each moment first and don't pressure yourself or her about the future.
Merry Christmas, FLTC! Hope you're having a blast!!! We just want to make sure you protect your heart!!!
Thanks. S10 went with me to meet "gym woman" (I feel bad calling her that, but how else do you respond?). We had a great time! She came with me today when I addressed a local business group about my Iraq experience, and she told me she loved every minute of it. Her middle daughter made sure that she invited me to a party involving the parents at her private HS yesterday, which I went to. Gym Woman assured me her D16 had never asked any one to do this before, so it's all good. Our Ds18 and Ds16 know each other and like each other. They went to school together. She told me that if I had left my STBXW, she probably would have never dated me, based on what happened to her.
Have faith DBers! I NEVER expected to be happy this Christmas. It literally fell out of the sky when I least expected it. Go back and read how I met htis woman, and all the shi* that had to fall into place for it to happen. Read the book "The Secret".....think WAY positive. You WILL all find your own "Lightning in a Bottle"
F, it has been quite over here, but I see that you have been busy, in a positive way
I do hope that you have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Remember to live in the moment and not get too far ahead of yourself.
We love ya!
--D
I'm so happy to see you happy, FTLC.
Merry Christmas.
poet
Thanks, poet, Donna, Mattie and cf,
Things are really going well. She is joining me tonight for dinner. She has her kids tomorrow and I have mine. It is indeed a GREAT Christmas. The Lord does work in strange ways!
Hope dinner was grand and you both had a very Merry Christmas!
It was spectacular. She is a wonderful woman. It doesn't hurt that we both went through the same thing. Her husband had an affiar with a co-worker and then asked for a divorce. She's been alone for 8 years, and has lost herself in school and work. She is an ER nurse who loves the adrenaline. I love that. We are going to NYC this week with our two D16 who were good friends in middle school and S10. Her suggestion! It has been great. She has told me she is very excited to have me in her life, and that when she saw me for the first time at the gym in October, she realized immediately why she moved back to the old town. Weird, but true. She told me on Christmas Eve that she would always protect my heart. Pretty sweet, huh? I looked up and saw her and thought "How did THIS happen.?" As you recall, I told you all that I thought about her a lot over the past two years, and I even told her that.
I see her with a clear conscience. I did everything I could and more to try and save my marriage. I was loyal to my own detriment. It got me nothing.
OK, you wrote "when she saw me for the first time at the gym in October, she realized immediately why she moved back to the old town. Weird, but true. She told me on Christmas Eve that she would always protect my heart. Pretty sweet, huh?" I'll say it, hate me if you must...be friggin careful here FLTC! It all seems very intense and a little too fast for my liking, as someone who is sitting in the background without any endorphines pumping (well, almost none!). Please take your time, OK?
Glad you are enjoying yourself. That's some serious GAL lol.
wii,
Thanks. I get it. You've had some bad experiences and that has tempered you. I certainly understand your advice, and will be careful, but proceed on course. Thanks, Michelle. It is GAL on steroids.
FLTC, I have to agree with whatisis on this, take it slow and don't let the endorphines cloud your vision.
wii,
Thanks. I get it. You've had some bad experiences and that has tempered you. I certainly understand your advice, and will be careful, but proceed on course. Thanks, Michelle. It is GAL on steroids.
FLTC, the worst experience I suffered was because I let my endorphines rule my brain! I convinced myself that even though it was a risk I could handle it. I didn't count on the hurt and pain I felt when my little dream world collapsed. Now, you are NOT in a situation like I was but you have convinced yourself that you are over your W, you aren't because that takes longer than a few months. I can hear those endorphines pumping in everything you write about this new lady and that's OK, it's an amazing feeling to be validated by a great lady, you and I have lived through years of being crapped on day in and day out so I'm with you here. My point is just NOT to let this R stop you from GALing or keep you from activities that you may already have established. Don't put all your confidence and available time into this woman right now. Go slow and make sure you aren't expecting more from her than she can really give. I'm tempered for a reason and I don't want you to learn as I did. Fair enough?
Gooood morning FL...
You can do whatever you want... and you will.
Years ago while I was severely depressed my friends and family would emphasize how much I had.. my children, my husband, my extended family, my friends.. everything I should be grateful for. Something to focus on while I was stuck in a well of darkness. My internal response was that they had no idea what I was going through.
With this divorce, they say the same thing.. and I do to. I focus on what I have, what I am grateful for.
Folks who have been where you are tell it like it is. But this is your ball of wax that you can shape into any form you want.
How goes the divorce process? Is it moving along faster now that you have someone in your life? Do you find you're letting go of the anger you felt at your wife so that you can close this deal? Have you consulted a lawyer so you know what the traditional settlement is?
Just as anger can cloud your vision in dealing with the divorce, so can lightning in a bottle. When you sign the papers, that's it... no changes. Make sure you know what you're agreeing to.. and that you are at peace.
*hugs*
Thanks, guys. We'll the wicked witch of the easat is still not done. I am spending this evening with D16, and she's going to NYC with me on Tuesday. Apparently, her bulimia is still an issue. STBX called this morning to talk to S10, and told me D16 "needs constant supervision", which I'm sure she does. She then adds "This is a terrible burden on me"! Mommy dearest. A burden to make sure your child is OK. I did not say, but of course felt like saying: "Hey bi&ch. This is what you signed us all up for". Had I been at home, this "terrible burden" would be shared, but of course, I wouldn't be able to meet her standards for any kind of "constant supervision".
Hi FLTC. The constant supervision from D16's mother may be needed, but I am sure it is a burden for your D16 as well. It is such a difficult disease! What do upi have planned? Have you seen any of the new movies?
The trip to NYC sounds like fun.
FL.
Could she have meant to say this was a heavy weight on her shoulders as opposed to burden?
I was anorexic as a teenager.I'm sure it was a burden on my family.As in a heavy weight on their shoulders.It has to be frustrating to watch your child slowly starve herself.I'm not sure I could handle it as well as you have.
Later Friend
Briget
Morning Mattie, Briget,
STBX is overwhelmed because she has t make sure D16 doesn't go near a bathroom for an hour after eating. If I was with her, I would do it, no complaining about a burden or a weight or a millstone or a noose.
D16 came to my place last night and she made a nice dinner. Unfortunately D18 came home to drop off her car, and D16 absolutely flipped out that D18 was in the same room with her. She has been attacked by D18 before, physically and emotionally, and ay actally have some PTSD.
Bottom line, D18 did not flip out, byt D16 kept going on and on, so D18 called her a wh*re! Nice. That was enough to cause D16 to have to go home immediately. STBX then calls and needs to de-construct the whole mess, step by step. Enough. Just hung up on her. I'm done with being interrogated.
Hope your girls will get along some day. Have fun in NYC!
That sounds all-around unpleasant. Amazing how we can act around people who are the closest to us. Take your two girls, for example. They would never behave that way with their friends, but each of them has the "comfort" and familiarity to be able to do and say these things to each other...
What happened to the family counseling?
And, an idea for stbx with D16...why does she have to view it as a burden? Hell, they can clean up together, then sit to play cards/do homework/watch a show together.....use it as positive reinforcement and a reward! I bet D16 feels the resentment from her mom, which makes her more anxious, which probably makes her REALLY want to purge! How hard does it have to be to hang out and not hover for an hour a few times a day? I would welcome the bonding time, even if they are just doing their own thing (like parallel play for little kids).
She's lucky she has the kids there with her as much as she does.
Keep smiling....
what is the hockey schedule like this week?
That sounds all-around unpleasant. Amazing how we can act around people who are the closest to us. Take your two girls, for example. They would never behave that way with their friends, but each of them has the "comfort" and familiarity to be able to do and say these things to each other...
What happened to the family counseling?
And, an idea for stbx with D16...why does she have to view it as a burden? Hell, they can clean up together, then sit to play cards/do homework/watch a show together.....use it as positive reinforcement and a reward! I bet D16 feels the resentment from her mom, which makes her more anxious, which probably makes her REALLY want to purge! How hard does it have to be to hang out and not hover for an hour a few times a day? I would welcome the bonding time, even if they are just doing their own thing (like parallel play for little kids).
She's lucky she has the kids there with her as much as she does.
Keep smiling....
what is the hockey schedule like this week?
Hey Mattie and Donna,
Gym woman actually suggested we go to my HS Hockey game with S10. We took her D18 who is a pleasure and we went for pizza before the game and had a great time. Going to NYC today. Hockey is light until the weekend, and then it begins again. Things are going well. GW is a great woman. I'll keep my fingers crossed. The stuff with my D16 and 18 is RIDICULOUS. I agree with the bonding thing. STBX has always felt so put upon, so burdened......a martyr. Oh well..... Talk to you guys after NYC
Hope you're having a good time in the city. I'm off to LI and GG's.
Saw a niece and nephew for Christmas that were having so much fun together (playing music and singing). It was so refreshing because those two always fought like cats and dogs when they were growing up. I'm saying this to think maybe your girls will make a change in the next 10 years!!!
Looking forward to hearing about your day.
Hey mattie,
The day was great! Went to see the christmas show at Radio city Music Hall, Rockettes and all! The kids loved it. Went to have dinner. She bought the tickets, I did dinner. An all around great day. She is making dinner for S10 and me tonight. She insisted that S10 and I go to watch my school's hockey team play this afternoon!
Life is good.
Good to hear it! Amazing how there is so much less stress or the stress that's there weighs less when you can see the positives in life. Keep it up!
Sounds like a ton of fun!
Keep enjoying life and finding more things to smile about in 2009.
Have a very Happy New Year!
Well DBers, the “Psych B*&ch from Hell” has returned. STBXW found out I was seeing gym woman from D18. Yesterday, I got a text from STBX “I have plans for today, and I don’t want D16 to be alone. Can you call her and make plans with her” D16, remember has anorexia.
S10 has been with me since December 23rd, and has not been home one day (nor has he asked to go home!). I responded to STBX “Sure”. I call D16 on both her cell phone and the home phone and she does not return my call. I figured “She’s 16 and has social plans”
I take S10 to his hockey game. Gym woman and her daughters asked to go to the game. Sure. I said. Why not? S10 already likes all of them and HE asked if they would go.
Well, 10 minutes into the game, who do you supposed shows up? That’s right STBX “Psycho B&^ch from Hell”. Mind you, it’s my “custodial period” with S10 and she has NEVER showed up at a hockey game when I had S10. When she had him, I called before I went to any games, even though she has no right to stop me. She proceeds to walk right past me, gym woman and her kids with no acknowledgement, and sits with other mothers.
At the end of the game, she came over and talked to gym woman for 10 minutes. She knew her 10 years ago, as I once said. She then chastised me about S10 “not wearing his mouth guard”. Gym woman’s D18 later told her mom that STBX talked to me “like I had a learning disability” STXB then disappears. Gym woman quietly told me "She's nuts".
I called D16 one more time to see if she would join me and S10 at gym woman’s house for dinner. No response. Remember, I took D16 to NYC with gym woman and her D16, who my D16 knows, and she had a great time. We just went to their house for dinner two nights ago as well.
I was at the house for 10 minutes, when my cell rings, and I see it is STBX. I do not answer. 2 minutes later, D16’s number comes up. I answer it and it is STBX psycho!
She launches into a diatribe “I find it curious that you picked up the phone when you thought it was D16, but not me. Are you with D18? (I wouldn’t answer). Where are you (no answer again) She then stated “I find it curious that you would spend time with other people and not you’re own daughter” At that point, I heard D16 say “Mom this is your problem, not mine”
D16 later called me and left a message that she had other plans, and that STBX grabbed her phone to call me. She said she had no issues with me.
I hung up. DONE. STBX then texted me and said “Your daughter is hysterically crying. If you want me to have full custody, just say it.”
Ten minutes later I get “Way to be a good father”
I responded to neither. I also told her I am no longer interested in giving her 60% of my take home pay. We have no formal agreement on this, I was just an as& for giving her that much money for so long.
I called D16 and asked if she was crying, and she responded “Yes, because I don’t like to be between you and mom”. She assured me that she knew that once D18 went back to school, we could spend more time together.
Whaddya think Brothers and Sisters? I have my ideas.
Just sending you a big hug: (((FLTC)))
Sixty percent of your take home pay????? Who is your lawyer? Are you sure he/she's working for you?
I've been a stay at home mom for 20 years. Even with child support the most I get is 40%.. and I don't have a job and can't supplement the alimony/support without risking a modification to the payments. When my daughter is 21, it goes down to 30%. Spouse is viewed as a highly compensated executive which has it's own standards, but I can't see how that percentage works with a two income family.
Good job at avoiding the drama.
FLTC, here's what I think. STBX is still carrying on like the "abandoned" wife that she feels she is. She still imagines herself as the lone caregiver whose H is still in Iraq. She's still striking out at you for the times you left her alone, that's why the day you left for Iraq she sat in the car. She just saw that as another time where she was going to be left with the burden while you rode off into the sunset doing what you wanted to do. She's still doing it. She also wants to stick it to you in front of Gym woman because, guess what, when you start seeing someone else you are again abandoning her (even though she left you for someone else. Dont' try and figure it out!) Bottom line, this is her trip not yours. Now, that said, I see the need for some boundary setting here, tell her that you are quite willing to respond to polite requests but WILL NOT be responding to harsh, rude or insulting comments and that's that, then stick to it. Also, be careful of making assumptions about things, as I often hear in your posts comments like "I assumed that...", it gets you into trouble. E.g. when STBX asked you to take care of the car incident with D it might have been good to call and say "this is what I think needs to happen, I will call your insurance company, are you OK with that?" Don't give her ammo if you can help it. Lastly, is it possible that you suggest counselling together in regards to divorced parenting. Your D's tears certainly show that there is a need to do what's right by the children and you are both under enormous stress here. Sitting down with a counsellor to work out some kind of parenting R seems like a good idea for all involved. Is it worth a shot?
So, that's my Monday morning 2 cents. Hang in there!
Thanks, Mattie, gypsy and wii,
She just sent me ANOTHER email reminding me that binging and purging are related to "absent fathers", after she told me not to send any dirty laundry home with S10 when he returns from 10 days with me!
I think she sees all control over me slipping away, and it's not playing well in Peoria!
She's NUTS!
Don't bite, FLTC! Stay the sane one.
Yeah, wii, you're right. I'm posting my response to her, which I will NOT send on your urging, but man, it makes me feel GREAT to write it and post it! Here goes!
HER EMAIL TO ME:
D16 staying at your place is not optional for you, it has to be done. I will be away that weekend as well as the weekend of Feb. 14/15. she is not allowed to stay in my house when I'm not there.
As she sat home alone yesterday she spent the day binging and purging. I know you’re aware that a major part of her profile related to her eating disorder is having an absent father. Please make a decision about your role in her life and let her and me know so she and I can stop waiting and hoping for a healthy relationship between the two of you if you are not able to give her one.
MY RESPONSE. NOT SENT, GOOD CALL wii!
Thank you for sharing your interpretation that D16 binges and purges because of an "absent father". Thank you for also setting up the conditions that lead to this.
I will continue to encourage D16 to be with me the same days as S10. I love spending time with my daughter(s) and wanted to see her yesterday. I called her twice yesterday to make that happen. I am more than happy to have her on the same days as I have S10.
Did you forget that D18 is living with me because she can't live with you? Maybe you can reflect on why that is the next time you want to spout off about parenting, and your diagnosis of why D16 binges and purges. Did you offer to have D18 stay with you so that D16 could stay with me? And speaking of parenting and having no relationship with a daughter; D18 spent a grand total of about 4 hours with you and your significant other over the vacation. How much time did you enjoy with S10 over the week of Christmas? No problem. I love having him.
Please do not ever try and take the moral high ground with me.You abdicated that right a long time ago by entering into an affair with your married boss. And I am glad that you don't have a problem with the friends I keep. Does your boss' wife have "absolutely no problem with your relationship with him"? Is she OK with him buying D16 a Jeep? No confusion on D16's part there, right? Is she OK with him fixing up the basement in my home? These are the questions I want you to answer.
Happy New Year!
FLTC!
MAN THAT FELT AWESOME!!!!!!!
Wow, I loved that! Don't send it.
LOL
Ditto!
Keep setting boundaries. Keep being calm and rational. Let her dig her own holes.
And keep being there for your kids no matter what! You are a good father, don't let her tell you otherwise!
Thanks, wii and Michelle! You guys are great!
Well, another sign that STBX is unraveling. S10 told me yesterday that he overheard STBX talking to a "woman" whose name he gave me, which is the name of the divorce mediator. He said that STBX told her: "FLTC has a new girlfriend and does not see D16 at all". S10 told me that he and D16 talked. They think it's because STBX is furious over gym woman in my life.
Is she nuts having this conversation in earshot of the kids or what? Secondly, as you recall, STBX ambushed me on Sunday morning, telling me "She had plans" and that D16 could not stay at home alone because of her anorexia binging and purging. I said "Sure, I'll take her". I called her cell twice and the home phone once to ask her to join me for the day. She never responded. STBX reminded me later in an email "Nice job as a father" and that a cause of anorexia is "absentee fathers" (The main cause is ACTUALLY controlling mothers!)
The divorce mediator we went to would not talk to us separately. I knew your wife would be jealous of someone in your life!
That is interesting that she talked to the mediator on the phone. That seems manipulative. Hopefully the mediator realizes she only has one side of the story.
Your W is jealous.
Frankly, why wouldn't she be? Gym woman is awesome obviously! LOL
Gym woman IS awesome! Made me dinner last night. I made her dinner the night before. She is starting her master's degree in nursing. Said she's never been so happy or motivated in her life. It's great so far.
She's grasping at straws. She's come unravelled!
FLTC, I am happy to hear that gym woman is helping you keep your sanity! Sounds like the relationship is good for both of you.
I wonder how others deal with things they hear that the kids say about the other parent. I don't pump my D18 for information, but I still love hearing stuff that goes on with her dad. Isn't that crazy??? (especially stuff like "they were yelling at each other about....."). I KNOW my D18 is not 100% accurate, though, so I have to be careful! How can you balance out having your children talk to you, but not be gossipy (is that a word?)???
It IS a word, now, Mattie. I don't respond at all to any of her rants. The latest episode: Last night D18 met STBX at ice rink. They were supposed to get together.
D18 then asked STBX: "Why did you show up at the ice rink last Sunday when it was Dad's weekend to be with S10?" You just did it because you knew Gym Woman would be there".
STBX loses it and tells D18 she can't have her car anymore. She proceeded to text me, and ordered me to take the keys away from D18. Remember D18 lives with me, but is using STBX's car while she's home from school (She got a 3.5 first semester! STBX can't seem to celebrate any of that!)
I emailed her: "This was your decision. Don't put me in the middle of it. The car is in my parking garage. Get a ride and come and get it."
Now, I have to take S10 to a hockey tounament today, and STBX tells D18 who has work over the next three days "Work it out with your dad".
I worked it out. I'm giving STBX $120 less this week, and will give it to D18 for cab fare for work. Merry Christmas!
STBX reminded me later in an email "Nice job as a father" and that a cause of anorexia is "absentee fathers" (The main cause is ACTUALLY controlling mothers!)
Actually, NEITHER of these are true, okay????????
Ellie
[quote=FLTC]It IS a word, now, Mattie. I don't respond at all to any of her rants. The latest episode: Last night D18 met STBX at ice rink. They were supposed to get together.
D18 then asked STBX: "Why did you show up at the ice rink last Sunday when it was Dad's weekend to be with S10?" You just did it because you knew Gym Woman would be there".
Here's a question for ya FLTC, how is that your D18 views STBX's actions as any of her business? It was basically a ploy to push STBX's buttons and cause more sh!t that you are left to clean up! If I were you I might have a polite word with D18 about keeping her nose out of things that are not her concern. You are quite capable of dealing with STBX yourself and do not require your D as an attack dog (not that you asked her to be)!
Just my thoughts, take em for what they're worth.
It is interesting that D18 felt the need to get involved. Might be wise to ask her to stay out of it.
STBX really didn't take that well. Shock, surprise. She can't think of anything more creative for a punishment than taking away the car and making it hard for her to get to work I guess. Oh well.
FL,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! It sounds as if you have lots of good going on in your life, but until you get the D done, stay cool.
Your X showing up at the hockey game was to find out things. You see, she had 2 things before: her married BF and you. You loved her regardless of anything. But now there's somebody else and this so sounds like jealousy to me.
I agree with wii. Do not bite. As hard as it may be not to. But do think in terms of what is best for the kids.
None of this sounds good to me. When so many people are involved kids tend to feel lost. Your daughters need something stable. So you give that to them.
One thing that struck a chord with me is the fact that your W has the mediator's ear. Be careful there. She works for an L and I would hate to think she has a leg up. Either way, do what's right for your kids and you will be fine. No matter what happens.
How is the weekend shaping up, FLTC? When does D18 go back to school? I gather the issue with D16 staying with you is more about her sister than you. I am curious.....did your wife come pick up the car in the parking garage???
Thanks. D18 does like to push buttons, and STBX is right at the edge of the cliff.
Another episode last night. D16 went to the gym. When she came out, the bumper of the legendary "SmarmybossprovidedJeep" was damaged. STBX flipped out! She immediately called me and rants "D16 needs a ride to therapy tomorrow". I unquestionably said yes. I didn't bite and ask "Where's the Jeep". STBX took the Jeep away from D16 and ranted about her "not being honest about what happened, and how she has been honest from the beginning with D16 about SmarmyLawyerBoss"....WTF???????????
She took the Jeep away, and then called me to tell me to take D16 to therapy. Another power play because "I'm an awful father". I CONINUE TO RESPOND TO NONE OF HER EMAILS WHERE SHE RANTS. ONLY THOSE INVOLVING ME PROVIDING HER WITH INFORMATION. NO SLAMS, DIGS, COMEBACKS. IT MUST BE DRIVING HER CRAZY AS THE MASTER CONTROL FREAK.
She then refused to accompany D16 to the police station to file a report. She said "You're a big girl". D16 called me and I thought STBX was being ridiculous, so I took D16 to the police station.
D16 then shared how Smarmy came to the house the other night and they all watched the movie "Sex in the City" together, and how she was uncomfortable. Nothing to add to that one.....
Hey FL..
Did you ever find out why you're paying such an inordinately high percentage of your income to your wife, especially since she works? The idea is that BOTH parents have a place that's suitable for the children. Any patterns of payments you perform now may be seen as the norm when the final settlement draws near.
It is way out of whack. Ask your lawyer about the implications of your wife speaking directly to the mediator, her adulterous relationship with her boss, who is also an attorney. Make sure you lawyer has your back and that you are protected.
I talked to Donna over the weekend. We should meet for tea or whatever in the know Fairfield County-ites do.
*hugs*
Gyps,
I began paying it because I gave her what I didn't need to barely survive. Now that I am back on my feet, I want to do more than survive. I NEVER planned on D18 living with me when she wasn't in school. She's 18, but no less expensive, and in many ways more expensive. I sent my attorney an email telling him point blank, I am tired of paying ehr 62% of my income, and want to stop. I want to give her more like 30-40%. She just bought S10 a new snowboarding helmet and goggles. I have a hard tie taking him to Mikey D's!
Don't you just have to pay child support on the two kids?
...and isn't there a standard percentage for child support in your state? In my state it's only 20% for one child.
Is the current amount you're paying in writing or just what you've been doing???
I love how cool, calm, and collected you have become, FLTC!
sandy, Mattie,
The amount I am paying is just what I decided on out of fear of the wrath of STBX. I would not pay for D18, but her living with me is an expense I never budgeted for. I got the green light from my attorney yesterday telling me since there is no court order, I can unilaterally reduce the amount of money I give her. She's able to buy the kids tons of Christmas presents, and I scrape by. D18 is on a pull out sofa bed, and S10 sleeps with me. NOT RIGHT!
I have set learning more about finances as my goal for this year. Since financial stuff isn't your top priority maybe you'd be interested in the Suze Orman book, Action Plan for 2009. It's available on Oprah.com. (or proably easier to buy than to download the 200 pages).
You started thinking of yourself a bit in Iraq when you started your savings account. You can do it again! You'll get the wrath of your STBX no matter what you do, so you might as well put yourself at the top of your list for a change!!!!!
not fair at all! I wouldn't give her one red cent more than you have to by state laws. Or at least make it so you are comfortable enough with the money YOU earned the hard way!
FLTC.. I'll tell you what my L said about how much my H was giving me which was just about everything too. She said to stay doing that as long as I could stand it because it presented Status Quo.... meaning he was paying for my schooling and mortgage and everything and the judge would probably rule for a higher amount because he had been paying it for awhile...The longer the better. I personally thought it was unfair to the H but I dont' know if that's how it works where you live.
My H wanted me to finish school so I could make more money there for taking more burden later on and I would be more financially indepedent. I am still going back to school because I don't ever want to be caught with my pants down again...(being financially dependant on someone)
Considering how much you have been giving her, I think keeping more for yourself is totally fine. Especially since you have two of the kids with you a lot of the time. That wasn't in your budget, so adjust fire accordingly.
Not sure if your state works on the status quo thing, but that is a factor you should consider. Considering the nearly ridiculous amounts of money you two make (IMHO as a broke student LOL) it seems to me it shouldn't be a problem for her to pay for some of her own stuff too.
FL,
Some things are fair, some things are not. When it comes down to reality, divorce is not. The bad thing about DB is we tend to think in terms of keeping our marriage together and do things that are not good for us or our kids going forward. Because we don't want to PO our STBX.
But when we come to the end, we realize (possibly late) that we also want to give our kids a good life. Before the D, it's never too late.
And that means two separate households.
So you must do what is best for your kids. It's what you have to do regardless of who gets PO'd. That is life after D.
Never wait too long.
Oh yes...
And waiting costs money.. lots and lots of money. My ex spouse racked up another $70K on top of the $65K he previously spent. It's amazing that we have to divide the total counsel fees and each pay half. But that's the price of the learning curve on all levels.
One thing I learned was to listen to my lawyer and trust her. It took me a long time but as I sat at the defendant's table I wondered why I didn't.. couldn't .. do it sooner. The answer.. emotion, fear, panic. Just as in our marriage, it took the two of us to get where we were in our divorce.
Take the lead... but make sure you have a strong lawyer.. I can give you the names of the attorneys I know have strong reputations.
Good job on focusing on works for everyone, not just your spouse's wrath.
*hugs*
Good morning, FLTC. I wish you a stress free weekend! When does D18 go back to college? Seems like it (and I'm too lazy to go back and read the old posts). It's about time for another Army weekend, isn't it? That always seems good for you.
Thanks, ladies. I sent her my offer yesterday. Since it is just what the mediator recommended, I feel fine with it. It is a full $1400 less per month than I pay her now. Sorry, but as Happy said, that is the price of divorce. She tried to make me feel guilty about offering college money that is half the tuition of the University of CT, saying D18's college is much more expensive. Oh well, UCONN is a great school!
What has your wife offered YOU????? Doesn't she make a good salary? Does she have a retirement plan? You get half of that, too, don't forget. (maybe subtracting from half of yours or whatever. Even if it's just on paper it does count!!!)
My ex was adamant about not putting the college fee in the divorce settlement. He said he was willing to pay, but didn't know about his job situation and didn't want it to be court mandated. Not sure how you feel about that (or what your lawyer says).
When is your next meeting with the mediator? We will want to give you extra moral support at that time!!!!
FL,
I urge you to get a lawyer familar in military law.My ex didn't.I ended up getting 60% of his retirement.Of course it helped me that when the judge ordered him to give me 35 percent he cussed the Judge.(Don't do that!LOL)
Also something that you should do is go to every legal on every base.If she were to be told to do that you would not be able to go to them yourself.I know.Mine did that and I was blocked out.
I went for everything I could get my hands on.Of course mine left me with five kids at the time under 18.I needed everything I could get.I was a stay at home mom for the whole time we were together.
I still didn't fair as well as my lawyer told me I would.But I got what I could.
I'm not sure what the law is in your state.But in Florida the judge can grant up to 60 percent of military retirement.You might want to check into that.I don't think you deserve to lose everything.Your a good father and you should be able to keep what you can.Your going to need it.
Later Friend
Briget
Haven't looked at the specific laws there but GENERALLY I would say this: Since his W has not been a SAHM the whole time and has her own retirement, the standard in most states is split each 50-50. Her share of his can cancel out his share of hers though, or at least reduce the amount she might be able to try and claim. He can also buy her out now instead of waiting til he retires.
Or.. based on my personal experience..
You've been giving her a free ride of a lifetime.
Lawyers can only counsel, not tell you what to do. Ask him/her point blank what is the standard allocation, what is appropriate for you.. and go from there.
Saying you had bad legal advice and/or weren't thinking straight does NOT stop the court from seeing costs that you supported and viewing them as the norm.
The standard of living drastically changes with divorce. The consequences start now. Fairfield County children lose more advantages in a grounding that most kids have in their day to day life.
You Know You Are From Fairfield, Connecticut When...
*You have hiked up a golf course at least once to get to a keg party.
*You never went to a bar in high school.
*The fact that the Merritt and the Hutch were the same highway but named differently just because they are in two different states makes perfect sense to you.
*You thought no one could buy beer after 8 PM.
*You think New Jersey is a toxic waste dump.
*You party on the beach of Long Island Sound.
*You've drive to New York...just to buy beer.
*You have deer in your backyard.
*Your family owns more than one house.
*At least one parent works in New York City. They take the train.
*You know the crucial difference between SoNo and SoHo.
*Your high school has won the State Championship in soccer and/or lacrosse, and/or Ice Hockey (girls and guys) and/or Football several years in a row.
*You have taken riding lessons at the towns Riding Club.
*In high school you drank outside, regularly.
*You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state.
*The diner is the only place open after midnight.
*You have at least 10 friends who drive Jeeps.
*You root for all or most of the New York sports teams.
*Anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York.
*You've never looked at a public bus schedule. You would also never get on one.
*You know girls and guys that have the same names.
*You think Bridgeport is the worst ghetto you've ever seen.
*You spend the summer on Cape Cod, in Nantucket or Marthas Vineyard.
*When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for the poor/homeless people.
*The cars in your high school's parking lot were worth more than your high school.
*You were pissed that your sixteenth birthday car was a new sedan instead of an SUV.
*You never really went on a "real date" in high school.
*You know what Okemo is (and you or a friend owns a house there).
*You grew up wondering where the old cars in the parking lot at the grocery store came from.
*You found it easy to drink college seniors under the table within the first week of college.
*You don't have an accent.
*You know how to play Beruit, and how it differs from Beer Pong.
*You have more than one country club in your town.
*You're a Russo sister, sun or moon
*Your high school sent more than 10 kids to Boston College.
*You get pissed at anyone that doesnt know how to drive in the snow.
*You consider Fairfield County and the rest of Connecticut two different states.
Think about it. Last week my daughter learned what generic foods are and helped shop for them. Not a bad thing to know.
*hugs*
I got the list after doing a search on Facebook for Fairfield County groups. It's amazing how many of them are focused on being drunk.
LOL I'm sure that would make more sense to me if I knew where any of those places were or had any experience with country clubs, but damn funny!
It is a bizarrely accurate thing. Coming from the New Yorker who moved to Fairfield County 13 years ago, and still feels like a New Yorker!
GypsY
Pretty accurate. Got this from attorney's office yesterday.
I offered her the proposal with the EXACT figures that mediator suggested. She rejected it outright. LET THE GAMES BEGIN! What does this stuff mean below (I'll find out from lawyer tomorrow)
Your wife’s attorney filed motions which appeared on the short calendar for next Thursday. If he marks them ready, we will need to go forward. I will need you to complete your financial affidavit for the hearing.
The motions are as follows:
Motion for Exclusive Possession
Motion for Child Support and Alimony
Motion for Custody and Parenting Plan
Motion for Counsel Fees and Litigation Expenses
And Mandatory Disclosure –y,
Pretty accurate!
Got this from attoney's office yesterday.
Motion for Counsel Fees and Litigation Expenses
Does that sound like your wife wants you to pay her lawyer?
No way!!!
Motion for Child Support and Alimony
Child support is clear. Alimony hopefully will be limited. SHe already has a good job and can support herself. YOu just have to convince the judge of that fact!
I don't understand your wife's lawyer filing these motions. I thought she had wanted you to work with a mediator. In my state you both would work with the mediator and then present the plan you agreed upon to your lawyers to file (the mediator I went to was not a lawyer and therefore, could not file herself).
I don't understand the part about your offer being rejected. Rejected by your wife??? Mediator??? YOur lawyer???
What fun...
Motion for Exclusive Possession
I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like she wants something free and clear that you both own!
Motion for Child Support and Alimony
Your wife knows she's been getting more than her fair share of the apple. It's customary for her attorney to file those motions. Anything that's awarded (and they'll use the amount of time you've been paying the 62% of your income as an accepted norm.. your lawyer will say it was voluntary and that you're within your rights to change it) to her will be viewed as taxable income and you can write it off.
Motion for Custody and Parenting Plan
Just sounds like you're solidifying what you've done in the past.
Motion for Counsel Fees and Litigation Expenses
I was told that even though my husband outspent me five to one on legal fees that I was still responsible for half of all the fees. My lawyer told me that, the Special Masters.. on and on. They said even if I went to trial that would not change.
You might want to ask about a conflict of interest with her legal counsel, her lover, etc. when it comes to this. You don't know what falls through the cracks, moneywise in her case.
And Mandatory Disclosure -y,
That's just showing retirement plans, etc.. no biggie.. just lots of paper and pain in the buttishness.
Have you done a financial affidavit before? You show your monthly expenses.. yours.. not what they were when you lived in the big house. Your rent, utilities, gas, medical, anything you pay. Your expenses will be lopsided because you've been taking the hit for the family. Include everything you spend money on.. for the vacation you're saving money for for the kids, gas, tips, the new car.. etc. It's okay if your expenses are greater than your income. It shows the court how much it costs you to live.
Ask your lawyer.. or ask around.. what the savvy thing to do is.. move to a better apartment with more bedrooms (which you'd have to do anyway).. you want there to be room for the kids especially with a parenting plan being set up.
*hugs*
Oh yes, FL..
They are and aren't games. Spouse got into a "I'm a warrior" kick and blew through all our money, over a basic settlement.
What does your lawyer say is the most likely outcome? It's formulaic. How much does this differ from the mediator? Be upfront about her current relationship with her attorney boss and your concerns.
Make sure YOU can take care of your kids
Thanks, Mattie and Gypsy. I meet with my attorney tomorrow. I do have to go to court on Thursday. I sent my STBX the EXACT figures that the mediator proposed as FAIR. STBX is very unhappy with this. You know what? Too bad!
She shot back an email "She never discussed these figures with me". I SENT HER THE EMAIL FROM THE MEDIATOR WITH THE FIGURES I PROPOSED THIS MORNING. "PROCEED ON COURSE....YOU ARE CLEAR TO FIRE!!!!!!!"
None of this is of my making. If both of my kids have to go to state schools, so what? The University of Connecticut is the best public college in New England. HER LIFE STYLE WILL CHANGE. Too bad. I AM NOT the person I was two years ago. I have a life ahead of me. If she has to sell the house, so be it. DIVORCE MAKES US ALL POORER. She took the kids skiing for two days this weekend? Hmmm?
She took the kids skiing for two days this weekend? Hmmm?
And my ex just came back from a five day vacation with his GF. Just before he left he went to a boat show.....looking for a bigger boat. And he ALWAYS gives me the "poor me" story! LOL
STAY STRONG!!! (((FLTC)))
Thanks, Mattie. I will really listen to my attorney.
ENh, she's gonna fight for the most she can get just cuz she has some sense of entitlement from who knows where.
Whatever.
Just keep fighting for what's fair and take care of you and the kids.
Price out reasonable rents for a bigger place; better to get it in writing from a realtor. That should be the cost that is figured in your financial affidavit. Include the costs of EVERYTHING that you have to pay for, including 1/2 of the summer camps, medical, dental, whatever else you are going to pay towards.
Good point, Donna. I never priced all that stuff out. In the end, does a financial affidavit decide how much each of us "gets"? I thought it might be more formulaic. I offered her EXACTLY what the mediator set out, which is little over $3K a month. I now "GIVE" her $4400 a month! I'm tired of it. She went skiing with the kids. S10 forgot his jacket, and she was able to buy him a new $200 jacket. I know it's for the kids, but I couldn't afford this. She refused to pay for D18's books at schools yesterday ($186), so I did. (I'll just giver her less next check!!!)
I have to sit in Family Court ALL day tomorrow because of her stupid "motions" See my lawyer today, BUT gym woman tonight! Other than my STBX psycho bi&ch from hell, things are good!
Hey FL..
You can choose whether or not to include the kids activities as a court decree or personal choice. A simple statement that you don't need the court tell you how to be a good dad. With her legal lover she may have the flexibility to take you to court without an added expense to her.
Once the amount is fixed by the court, you won't be able to adjust it at will since it's no longer voluntary. But like Mattie said.. price out a new apartment and MOVE. The financial affidavit numbers are fluid until the final settlement is signed off on.
The funny thing is.. the best offer is usually the first one. It goes down from there as the legal fees rise.
One thing to consider is how deep your wife's pockets might be with the help of her boss. Factor that into your decision making.
Look at the big picture. Take care of the kids which includes what you provide when they're with you. Give them a home with you. Their extras will become selective. The most important thing is that they have both parents.
Get it over.
*hugs*
PS.. and while you're in Family Court, listen to what goes on in the courtroom. I sat in those halls with a sketch pad and drew, had a book to read and all sorts of stuff to keep myself occupied.
The financial affidavit is the only way the court can see what your expenses are. The child support goes by a formula, but there is no set formula for alimony. You may be able to pay NO alimony to her at all, given the affair and her working outside of the home with a very decent wage. X's girlfriend got NO alimony, and she was essentially a stay at home mother.
Of course you want to support your kids, but you shouldn't have to support a fully-capable woman who doesn't want to be connected to you anymore.
Call later if you want. Gyp and I have been there, done that, right here in CT.
I don't have kids tonight.
Her attorney cancelled the meeting. WTF?
*shrugs* That sucks for last minute cancellation.
Maybe she realized she's being selfish or whatever. Or maybe she's got more schemes in the works lol.
In either case, enjoy the reprieve, meet with your L, and continue to look out for you and your kids.
That happens alot. It could be for any reason, including the atty had to get their nails done.
How did it go with your atty? Did she have any insight into what comes next? How did the financial affidavit go?
Family Court, Lawyer, AND gym woman....quite a day!!! I am glad you have "gw" to balance out your day!
Me too! Just sent stbx $600 less than last time. I'll bet you will all here the screaming from where you live!
Hey FL..
Going to court for the motions can be cancelled with the drop of a hat. The trial court date can be postponed once.. at least that's what I was told.
How's the apartment hunting going? This works in your favor to get moving on that.
Figure out what is important to you. Hold to it. Throw her a bone and get it over. If I could have done that.. goodness... I'd have cash in the bank, stocks, bonds, a healthy 401(k). Folks urged me to do that, but I didn't know how to separate the emotion from the business aspect of the process.
The $600 less.. how much of a difference does that make compared to the per hour cost your attorney charges? Look at the big picture.
*hugs*
How did the meeting with your L go? You do need the financial aff to show what expenses are to all - it should be a transparent process, so that everyone can see how all of the "family" money is being split. You need a decent place for you AND your kids. Your apt is great, but small. Ask yourself, would the kids, all of them if they wanted to, be comfortable living there with you for a full week or two during the summer? Would they have their own space, feel like they belonged, have any privacy if they wanted it? It is "reasonable" to look for a two, even 3 bedroom apt OR A HOUSE. This is a good market to buy - rates are low, along with the asking prices. There are GI mortgages, no? Why flush the money each month, when you could be making an investment?
It might be in the same town you're in now, but you'll get at least some (probably all and then some) of your investment back when you sell.
Do you invest at school with a 403b? Call the financial advisor today and ask them their opinion. If her side can postpone a meeting, so can you, if you need a bit of time to make sure that you are set financially.
The decisions you make about this will affect you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! Don't just ride the top of this wave - educate yourself.
I've got no kids again this weekend. Hang in; this part is all business, and is much easier to handle than issues of the heart.
Thanks, ladies. I just got a 100 page disclosure questionnaire from my lawyer, re: STBX's motions! LMAO! She's such a bit&h!
One hundred pages? And I thought mine was oppressive.
What does your lawyer have to say about that? Most of it is pain in the patookie stuff meant to wear you down.
*hugs*
Wow. That's a lot of questions.
You left out VINDICTIVE! LOL