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Posted By: klm Finally on my own again! - 12/03/08 07:11 PM
Well, after 15 long months at my mother's house.....I'm free!!! I spent last night at my new apartment. I finally got the bed put together and my living room furniture was delivered last night. Everything is coming together and it is looking pretty good. I slept like a baby in my bed, hadn't slept in it since I moved to mom's.

While at my mom's I pretty much just stuck to my room when I was home so it was nice to have the whole apartment to myself and being able to roam as I please. I just felt this freedom. I think being on my own is really going to help with my moving forward and letting go of xh...as well as my overall mental health. I love my mom but there is just something depressing to me about living in that house.

I am supposed to get cable on Saturday....hopefully before the Alabama game.

I'll put some pics on FB when I get everything put up.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/03/08 07:17 PM
Beer please..

congratulations..

roll tide..I think we have a chance..
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/03/08 07:20 PM
Great for you Kris! It will make a big difference to have a place of your own.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/04/08 04:06 PM
Not having internet sucks!

Still want that beer Mike?...I'm a little late!

I am supposed to get the internet and cable Saturday. I am officially at the new apartment but still have a lot of small things to move. I should be completely finished by this weekend.

Last night I got everything put up in the living room, and put my new tv stand together then just sat back, had a beer, listened to the radio and just kind of took it all in. I am feeling at peace. I feel like I have other things to focus on besides xh. He has not even been on my mind and a part of me is glad I am no longer with him ...(did I just say that?!?). When he left, he took the stress with him. His problems are no longer my problems. Life is good.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/04/08 04:13 PM
AWESOME Kris! I'm so happy for you that your life is so good and things are great!

Congrats on the new apartment! The housewarming party is when???? \:\)
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/04/08 04:28 PM
Thanks Mish.

I have had some really dark periods since this started. REALLY dark. Especially when I was still in Texas. I serioiusly didn't think I would ever recover...and I may not be fully recovered yet, but I know I WILL be.

My MIL once said to me "I hate to say this because he is my son...but I think you will be much better off without him in the long run. I know you don't see that now, but you will." I see it now. I have progressed so much further without him...personally, finacially, and professionally.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/04/08 04:38 PM
Quote:
When he left, he took the stress with him. His problems are no longer my problems. Life is good.


a new mantra maybe..???

and do you think I would actaully turn down a beer or 12???
Posted By: cat03 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/05/08 08:14 PM
my MIL said the same thing! lol

Glad to hear you are enjoying your new place!!!

I totally get you about the feeling free feeling, I was in pins and needles when with stbx, with a dark cloud above my head, that uncertainty... no more.
Posted By: Valentine Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/06/08 03:50 AM
Chick...I am so glad you are in a new place and have not thought of your XH very much...

Sent u something on fb...

So happy you are moving on!


Valentine
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/06/08 04:00 AM
What wonderful news - congratulations!!! Can't wait to see the pics....
Posted By: chicki Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/06/08 03:31 PM
Kris,

I get what u mean about having yr own place!
MY girls & were living /w mom for 3 months all 4 of us in one room!! UGH!
Now we have our own place w/ OUR stuff no X stuff around and the PEACE that comes w/ out him.
My girls love the new place which we r surrounded by all their freinds btw they didnt know they were gonna be our new neighbors!

Dont ya love fiixng it up how YOU like??
Having the closet all to yourself??
Posted By: hope2wrkitout Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/07/08 02:01 PM
amen to that Chicki! I just moved back in November and even though I pay an arm and a leg for my place it is so worth it! The best thing I could have ever done. Finally my son and myself don't have to walk around on eggshells. You can even tell the difference in him.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 05:47 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
Originally Posted By: klm
When he left, he took the stress with him. His problems are no longer my problems. Life is good.

a new mantra maybe..???

Yes Mike...I think this could be my new mantra.

Thanks everybody. I will post pictures as soon as I find my camera! I had a bumch of people over to watch the game on Saturday and so I threw everything that was laying around in the extra closet. Now I need to go through all that.

I put up the Christmas tree last night and hung curtains, everything is looking good. Today I am going to start hanging things on the wall.

I did finally get my "workout room" setup late last night. I am so excited to go home and get some exercise! I have been slipping because it has been so cold and I decided to cancel my gym membership due to the fact that xh goes there. Maybe I shouldn't have for that reason...but avoidance is good for my mental health right now.

...Speaking of avoidance. I went to wal-mart this weekend...saw xh's car in the parking lot and I just decided to leave. Is that bad? A part of me feels like I am letting him control what I do and where I go, but I just didn't feel like seeing him and OW there. I am not ready for that.

Oh yeah, and my internet still doesn't work. The guy came and my keyboard wasn't working for whatever reason so he just left the modem...and apparently it is broken. On the bright side...the TV looks AWESOME!!!!
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 06:28 PM
LOL..everyone together now..His problems are no longer my problems..LOL

Quote:
I put up the Christmas tree last night and hung curtains, everything is looking good. Today I am going to start hanging things on the wall.

I did finally get my "workout room" setup late last night. I am so excited to go home and get some exercise! I have been slipping because it has been so cold and I decided to cancel my gym membership due to the fact that xh goes there. Maybe I shouldn't have for that reason...but avoidance is good for my mental health right now.


good on the tree..

I can see why on the memebership and can't blame you actually. I would have done the same. Of course my company has a gym so I solved that problme early on..not that Kim would actaully exercise at all..now..

Quote:
...Speaking of avoidance. I went to wal-mart this weekend...saw xh's car in the parking lot and I just decided to leave. Is that bad? A part of me feels like I am letting him control what I do and where I go, but I just didn't feel like seeing him and OW there. I am not ready for that.


I can understand that too..maybe once things simmer a bit and get less painful....on down the road..

Quote:
On the bright side...the TV looks AWESOME!!!!


Booyeah..
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 06:29 PM
Originally Posted By: klm
...Speaking of avoidance. I went to wal-mart this weekend...saw xh's car in the parking lot and I just decided to leave. Is that bad? A part of me feels like I am letting him control what I do and where I go, but I just didn't feel like seeing him and OW there. I am not ready for that.


Naw, not bad. Given enough time you'll go on in anyway. You will know when the time is right.

Has XH ever seen you with your BF?
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 06:45 PM
Thanks guys.

Actually, now that I think about it....not going into the store could have been a "movement forward" for me. A year ago I WOULD have gone in and HOPED to see him. So maybe not wanting to see him is probably better than WANTING to see him.

Quote:
Has XH ever seen you with your BF?

Not that I am aware of.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 06:54 PM
Quote:
Has XH ever seen you with your BF?



Not to sound like an asss or anything but since we truly aren't DB'in our ex's now..I'm gonna suggest next time BF is with you..walk right on in..and flaunt it..

the girl I'm seeing..she cuts my hair..I've known her for 9 years. she lives in the county Kim lives in. She cut Kim's hair..actaully she styled Kim's hair for our wedding ceremony..LOL..we both sort of wondered what might happen when Kim finds out we are dating..and we both decided

neither one of us cares..
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 06:59 PM
I was thinking that might get you over the "hump" of seeing him in public with his GF.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 07:56 PM
It would have made it easier if BF had been with me, but I probably still wouldn't have gone in.

To be honest....I would rather not see him until I get back into my workout regimine for a while.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/08/08 10:51 PM
Quote:
To be honest....I would rather not see him until I get back into my workout regimine for a while.


you go girl..
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 07:39 PM
Finally got the internet at my apartment, although I haven't had time to use it. It is one less thing I have to worry about though.

My workout room is up and running! Yay! I have been running and then doing weights....and my arms and abs hurt BAD today...but that's a good thing right? I already feel better even after just a few days of exercising again.

I got an email from FIL saying he really wanted to see me over the holidays. He wants me to let him know if that is ok...he was the one saying it would be better for me NOT to see them for a while to help in my detachment. Not sure what I will do. I would like to see them sometime but I am not so sure now is a good time for that.

Today after one of our meetings one of the "higher-ups" asked if I could come into his office for a minute. I had no clue what he could have wanted since I don't even deal with his department much. Anyway, he said that there was a vacancy coming up in his department and he thinks it would be a really good opportunity for me if I was interested. He thinks it could really help advance my career and expose me to some different things. I told him I was VERY interested and he said he would see what he could do and also told me the people to talk to about it. I am pretty excited about this and it also gives me something to focus on.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 07:43 PM
FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!! Opportunities abound for you my dear. I'm so glad to hear it.

The exercise is very much a good thing no matter how bad you're hurting right now. I have to get back into a regime ASAP. I've put back on 15 pounds of what I had lost because I have been lazy and not watching my diet (said as I sit here eating a handful of M&M's!).
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 07:55 PM
Originally Posted By: klm
Finally got the internet at my apartment, although I haven't had time to use it. It is one less thing I have to worry about though.

My workout room is up and running! Yay! I have been running and then doing weights....and my arms and abs hurt BAD today...but that's a good thing right? I already feel better even after just a few days of exercising again.

I got an email from FIL saying he really wanted to see me over the holidays. He wants me to let him know if that is ok...he was the one saying it would be better for me NOT to see them for a while to help in my detachment. Not sure what I will do. I would like to see them sometime but I am not so sure now is a good time for that.

Today after one of our meetings one of the "higher-ups" asked if I could come into his office for a minute. I had no clue what he could have wanted since I don't even deal with his department much. Anyway, he said that there was a vacancy coming up in his department and he thinks it would be a really good opportunity for me if I was interested. He thinks it could really help advance my career and expose me to some different things. I told him I was VERY interested and he said he would see what he could do and also told me the people to talk to about it. I am pretty excited about this and it also gives me something to focus on.


I love it when the frinkin worm turns..it's so good for the PMA..all the sucky stuff happens..one, two three then suddenly things turn and good things happen...

good for you....

and exercise for me..none the last few weeks..gonna try to get back into it starting tonight..
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 09:10 PM
The job stuff is awesome Kris! Good things come to good people in the end. Definite PMA boost!

Hit that workout room hard, it does wonders! Were it not for treadmills I would be one stressed out dude! However, don't wait showing off your new BF until you are ripped. Show the X what you are capable of bagging!! \:\)

Mishka, as for M&Ms in the diet plan, eat the peanut variety! Two years ago my doc told me that I would have to start taking cholesterol medication because my "good" cholesterol was low. Said that was genetics and the only thing that would bring it up was diet, excercise, medication, and eating NUTS. Since then the only "treat" I've allowed myself on a regular basis has been peanut M&Ms & I've brought my good cholesterol up to within the good range! Yay! No meds! I'm thinking beer might be the trick too but doc just didn't want to admit it. ;\)
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 09:51 PM
Mishka, the exercise can help with depression too. I know you were talking about that on your thread. It also gives you more energy. I know it is hard to find the time but you could do 10 minute blocks here and there.

Quote:
I love it when the frinkin worm turns..it's so good for the PMA..all the sucky stuff happens..one, two three then suddenly things turn and good things happen...

I know, it does seem like when things are bad...EVERYTHING starts going bad....but the same thing seems to happen when things are good. Hopefully I can ride out the good stuff for a while.

Quote:
The job stuff is awesome Kris! Good things come to good people in the end. Definite PMA boost!

The guy that talked to me earlier just made a special trip to my office to ask me what I decided. I told him I was interested and he said I needed to act quick before someone else scoops up this opportunity. I will talk to the appropriate people tomorrow.

Quote:
Hit that workout room hard, it does wonders! Were it not for treadmills I would be one stressed out dude!

I plan on it Steve. I was doing 3 miles a day and more on the weekend until the cold weather and dark evenings hit. It is amazing how much better exercise makes you feel.
Quote:
However, don't wait showing off your new BF until you are ripped. Show the X what you are capable of bagging!!

Lol, well I am not going to hunt down x or anything....but maybe I can stop avoiding him at some point.
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 09:59 PM
You're a rock star!!! Keep it up!

Originally Posted By: klm

Quote:
However, don't wait showing off your new BF until you are ripped. Show the X what you are capable of bagging!!

Lol, well I am not going to hunt down x or anything....but maybe I can stop avoiding him at some point.


Dang right... It will get to the point where you don't even think about it.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/10/08 10:08 PM
Quote:
Dang right... It will get to the point where you don't even think about it.

I'm counting on that!;\)
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 07:03 PM
Having a hard time today for some reason.

The lady in the office across from me is the mother of a girl I went to highschool with. Well, she got engaged this weekend and I am finding myself having a hard time with all the wedding talk. A really hard time. You would think I would be ok with it since I have been in THREE weddings post bomb...I have lost count as to how many I have attended post bomb. For whatever reason it is really getting to me. ...Like to the point I just want to go home.

I am afraid that I have let myself become a little cynical. I don't want to be bitter or cynical, but it seems I have let myself go there.

I feel myself wanting to reach out to xh. I know that no good would come from it so I am refraining. He is happy in his life now and doesn't want to hear from me. His myspace page says he is "smitten". I know I shouldn't look, but sometimes curiosity gets the best of me. I just don't understand how he could be so messed up with me and now in a seemingly happy R. It is almost like I WAS the cause of his problems.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 07:16 PM
Quote:
I feel myself wanting to reach out to xh. I know that no good would come from it so I am refraining. He is happy in his life now and doesn't want to hear from me. His myspace page says he is "smitten". I know I shouldn't look, but sometimes curiosity gets the best of me. I just don't understand how he could be so messed up with me and now in a seemingly happy R. It is almost like I WAS the cause of his problems.


MySpace..God Kris stop looking at his MySpace page..do yourself a favor block his MySpace page..uyou can block people from seeing Facebook pages and I'mm sure MySpace is the same..I blocked kim from seeing mine, so I can no longer see hers..and who cares anyway..why do you care if he is happy?? make your own happiness..

and the wedding talk..just smile and wave boys..just smile and wave.
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 07:20 PM
Originally Posted By: klm
It is almost like I WAS the cause of his problems.


You can have down days, but don't EVER allow yourself to believe the above is true!! There is NO WAY!
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 07:32 PM
I don't know how to block the myspace page. I don't even have a myspace account, and I guess I looked because I was hoping things weren't still hunky dory between them. I know I have to have some self restraint there...but sometimes I just wonder. Anyway, I don't think that is the reason for my state of mind right now as that was back around Thanksgiving that I looked.

Quote:
You can have down days, but don't EVER allow yourself to believe the above is true!! There is NO WAY!

Then how come he can go on and have a normal happy relationship with someone else who claims he has "changed her life"?...Yet with me he became so depressed he could hardly function in everyday life.

I am not sure why some days I am perfectly fine and other days I am barely holding it together.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 07:45 PM
Quote:
Then how come he can go on and have a normal happy relationship with someone else who claims he has "changed her life"?...Yet with me he became so depressed he could hardly function in everyday life.


because he's lying to himself..He has NFC what will make him happy. Do you really think that if he was truly depressed with you..I mean truly dianosed as depressed that without AD's and some sort ot treatment that this OW has been some type magic bullet that has made his depresssion disappear?? I don't think you can just shake depression by having a new relationship..you probably just mask the depression with the euphoria of someone new..

hang in there Kris..GAL
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 07:59 PM
Quote:
It is almost like I WAS the cause of his problems


Whoa.....back away from that statement right now! You KNOW without a doubt there is no way that is true. Your XH has issues on top of issues. If he seems all happy go lucky in his new life, then good for him. It's more than likely him acting as if and it will crash in on him at some point. Kris, I know you know this, but "karma is a beotch"! It will come around to him someday.

You are reacting to the wedding news because of two reasons I can sense:

1)This is an older woman and, even though you are probably very happy for her, on some level you are wondering why you aren't moving forward faster. It's causing a lot of hurt feelings in you - more so than one of your young girlfriends who you have watched go through their romances.

2) It's the holidays! That magnifies EVERYTHING! Being alone (in the respect of having no R at this time) at Christmas is terribly hard. There is a program I have been through that has helped me enormously. I will send you a like to the information on your FB.

Most importantly sweetie, take good care of you. I completely understand that it is so hard to feel yourself falling back into the pits when you've been so up for so long. You will pull through it. Exercise in your new workout room! Have a BLAST rocking out to loud music while you workout. Enjoy yourself and LIVE just for you!!! You're only young once!
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 08:29 PM
Originally Posted By: klm
Then how come he can go on and have a normal happy relationship with someone else who claims he has "changed her life"?...Yet with me he became so depressed he could hardly function in everyday life.


Kris, if anyone figures out why you FEEL THAT WAY and how to help you STOP FEELING THAT WAY then they'll be a gazillionaire!

What makes you think that his relationship is "normal" or "happy"? Mike is right, he just jumped to a new R and the euphoria of the newness is making him all giddy right now. You just sit back and heal the way you are supposed to, good things will come to you.

I suppose most of us see this. For me and my X, it has been a merry-go-round. The OM that broke the camels back "completed" her. That fell apart, then she met a guy from my hometown (65 miles away) and he was "perfect". Now she has BF that she has shared with the kids is thinking she wants to marry. Initially I was jealous of all three. Two out of three are "has beens" and have happened inside of a year.

For most of us with enough heart to be posting on a site like this, we weren't the major disfunction in our marriages. Sure, we could have done some things "better", but obviously we had a bit of normalcy.

I know for me I've gone through times like you were I was envious that:

a - she wanted someone else other than me, someone else was making her happy
b - the other person had what I wanted

But you know what? Neither one of those was really true when I FORCED myself to be honest. She wants someone that she hasn't let down, someone who doesn't know all her faults, someone she can have a clean slate with. Guess what, until she deals with her demons she is more than likely going to make the same mistakes with future relationships. And... (BIG ONE HERE) the other person had something that I really hope I NEVER have again! Someone who would trash a marriage, cheat on their spouse, etc, etc, etc.

When you look at the OP in your X's life now the easiest comparison is the exterior. I know that each and every time I've heard my X has someone new I'm anxious to see them, find out what they do, etc. I'm eager to see if she has upgraded. That is the easy part though, not what truly makes someone happy and helps them function day-to-day. What's on the inside is what counts, and chances are that if they seek out someone like our X's then they don't have it. If they do, then they probably have some sort of other "thing" going on. Fixer, like em bad, whatever.

So... quit stressing it! Take a look at who you have in your life now and compare. At this point, don't pine away at the "ideal" of your lost marriage, take an objective look at the person. Compare that to what you have experienced thus far. I know that for me the pining for what I HAD is the demon. Lord help me if I ever really got THAT back! I'm sure I would really be depressed then!

I deserve better than what I had, YOU deserve better than what you had, and we will BOTH get it!!
Posted By: Sliver Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 08:52 PM
Originally Posted By: SteveInTN
She wants someone that she hasn't let down, someone who doesn't know all her faults, someone she can have a clean slate with. Guess what, until she deals with her demons she is more than likely going to make the same mistakes with future relationships.


Well said.

Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 09:30 PM
Quote:
Do you really think that if he was truly depressed with you..I mean truly dianosed as depressed that without AD's and some sort ot treatment that this OW has been some type magic bullet that has made his depresssion disappear?? I don't think you can just shake depression by having a new relationship..you probably just mask the depression with the euphoria of someone new..

I know you are right. Our MC...who was also an IC for both of us told me she thinks he is bipolar but didn't see him long enough to diagnose him. That doesn't just go away. I know she isn't a magic bullet. Logically I know this....sometimes emotionally I just can't grasp it.

Quote:
This is an older woman and, even though you are probably very happy for her, on some level you are wondering why you aren't moving forward faster. It's causing a lot of hurt feelings in you - more so than one of your young girlfriends who you have watched go through their romances.

Well, actually it is her daughter that is my age. I think it is getting to me because this girl is just starting her life with her partner....and here I am the same age and already went through a divorce. Just makes me feel like a failure.

Quote:
What makes you think that his relationship is "normal" or "happy"?
I guess just my imagination...things I've heard...things I've seen.

Quote:
I know for me I've gone through times like you were I was envious that:

a - she wanted someone else other than me, someone else was making her happy
b - the other person had what I wanted

Bingo.

The OW that he initially left me for fell apart and he came crawling back....but that was about 5 months later. I guess I was hoping this other R would fizzle out about the same time.

Thanks everybody. Really. I needed a pick me up and you all jumped in and gave me just that. I am doing a little better. I even sucked it up, and went over and talked about the engagement along with everyone else.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/15/08 09:33 PM
Quote:
Quote:
She wants someone that she hasn't let down, someone who doesn't know all her faults, someone she can have a clean slate with. Guess what, until she deals with her demons she is more than likely going to make the same mistakes with future relationships.



Well said.



You are so right Steve. I know that xh wants someone who doesn't know he is different. He was so different when he came back from Iraq....and she didn't know him before. I did. She doesn't question it. I do. I understand that. Sooner or later he will have to deal with it.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/16/08 03:31 PM
Thanks GM. I had been out on my own since 18 also and it was so hard to move back in with my mother....15 months. I didn't have a choice as I was still paying a mortgage on our house in TX with no help from H. I couldn't afford that and an apartment.

It is very freeing to be on my own again. Actually it is the first time I have lived alone since about my second year of college...(well, except for when xh was in Iraq). I love being able to decorate just the way I want....not having to clean up after anyone. Plus I have the WHOLE closet and ALL the drawers in the dresser and chest. I only have to do MY laundry. Ahhh...I could go on, but the point is that I am really enjoying it.

I am doing better today. I went home and ran it all out. I felt so much better afterwords. I have to remember that feeling when I don't want to exercise.

Also talked to one of the VP's of the company yesterday about this new position I am interested in. He was VERY excited. Told me he would love to have me in that position and was glad I mentioned it to him as he hadn't thought of me but I would be perfect! So he wants me to talk to my boss about it today to see when/if he would be willing to let me make a move. It would probably be a few months before anything happened but I am pretty excited.
Posted By: cat03 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 08:45 PM
Kris))))))))))))))) i have been feeling EXACTLY the same these past weeks! all those feelings that have us ache for what we wanted and for what it is have also pull me into a vortex of negativity.
You got such awesome advice, I dont' know what else to add but to say that whatever kind of women they are the xs didn't pick them because they represented the opposite of us, but because the brand spanking Rs are so new and without any history! those women have NO FREAKING idea what kind of men they are with, we do. And because we knew what they were about those man cowardly left because it would've been too much work to rebuild an R.
I too lived with a depressed zombie for months, and now behold! he's buying pets, furniture, planning big things with his 2 month old fiancee. That also happened with then ow, once he moved in with her after we parted ways for good back in Feb 08 he was all plans. Six months later the bubble burst and the crazy chemistry turned into toxic sludge because his true self showed, with all his unresolved issues and lies.

I dont' know hold long this new R will last, and I dont' want to care, I have been misspending SOO much energy thinking of their R, of him, her, where did I go wrong, what could I have said... WASTED time, the man is sick in the head and thought of no one but himself, you and I will never really know what goes on on their Rs, and we need to understand that it's all water under a bridge.
We need more thought stopping, we need to change the channel more often and focus on US.
This new mess has put me back in obsessive thinking a la ow back when he was with me, it's that bad and that toxic and we dont' need it in our lives kris.

WHo knows what the hell were their problems, it's easy to pin it on us, but by the history of their actions no well man would've done what they did.

Hugs)))))))))))) we'll do just fine, no, ever BETTER than before. KNOW IT. BELIEVE IT.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 09:03 PM
Thanks Cat!

I guess the problem I am having is that I know H CAN be a good man. He was for 7 years and then it was just like a switch flipped. If he is the same way with this woman that he was with me for the first seven years then I can see why she feels he is so great. And, if he can be this way with her, then why not me? I just don't understand his meanness and hatred towards me nor his avoidance. Ugh, just thoughts that go through my head. I try not to think about it for the most part.

I am a little torn about new guy right now. For whatever reason, he is getting on my nerves. He really is one of the nicest people I have ever met. However....maybe he is TOO nice)...can someone be too nice? I feel like he agrees with everything I say, and I don't think he would say what he REALLY thinks. He is also very routine and the routine is starting to get to me, and he is VERY predictable. He does have very good qualities too and I feel extremely comfortable around him. IDK, maybe I should cool things off with him a bit.

On the work front, talked to my boss yesterday and he thought the new position would be a good opportunity for me. Soooo, I talked to the VP again today and he said he was very excited and that he couldn't think of a better person to move into that position. He wants me to officially move on January 12th, which is much sooner than I had anticipated. It will mean a lot more work, but will also be a lot more interesting.
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 09:28 PM
Originally Posted By: klm
I am a little torn about new guy right now. For whatever reason, he is getting on my nerves. He really is one of the nicest people I have ever met. However....maybe he is TOO nice)...can someone be too nice? I feel like he agrees with everything I say, and I don't think he would say what he REALLY thinks. He is also very routine and the routine is starting to get to me, and he is VERY predictable. He does have very good qualities too and I feel extremely comfortable around him. IDK, maybe I should cool things off with him a bit.


Kris,

I HOPE there is no such thing as "too nice"! That was my X's primary complaint with me over the last 5 years of our M. Who knows...

But, I think what you are experiencing with NG right now is normal. At least I hope it is normal because it is what I have gone through. \:\) I can tell you that some of it might be residual from your inner torment with feelings for X, I know I can always tie back my "wanting to cool off" times to periods when things were weighing on me. I think it is a natural defense mechanism. Heck, you don't need to jump into anything serious right now anyway! You need to rediscover and enjoy YOURSELF and somehow or another get your heart back into your own possession before you can give it away again. So start making a list of the qualities that NG has that you like, and those that you dislike. Evolve that list as you move along so that you will know what you are looking for, the COMPLETE PACKAGE!

I guess you would put "Not Too Nice" on that list!

\:\)
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 09:39 PM
Quote:
I feel like he agrees with everything I say, and I don't think he would say what he REALLY thinks.


Red Flag girlfriend!!!!!! If he is not giving you his honest opinion on the simple things and telling you exactly where he stands on issues even if they are the total polar opposite of yours then he's not communicating effectively. Back away or talk to him about it.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 09:39 PM
Quote:
I HOPE there is no such thing as "too nice"! That was my X's primary complaint with me over the last 5 years of our M. Who knows...

Sorry Steve!!! I hope I didn't strike a nerve there \:\(

I guess what I mean by too nice is that he does not disagree with me ever. Which makes me wonder if he is honest, because how could he NEVER disagree? I don't know, I'm weird.

The weird thing is that his xw wanted him to go to anger management. He agreed on the condition that she would cut out her gambling and go to MC. She refused. I think it is so weird that she wanted him to go to anger management...I can't even imagine him getting so mad at me that I would suggest that...but maybe I don't truly know him yet. I have known him for about a year and a half and my mother has known him about four.

I have noticed that I go through phases where I REALLY like him and then phases where he is on my nerves. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am not ready.
Posted By: SteveInTN Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 09:53 PM
\:D

No worries, I have no nerves left! Somehow or another my skin is thick. Go figure!

Originally Posted By: klm
I have noticed that I go through phases where I REALLY like him and then phases where he is on my nerves. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am not ready.


Sounds like normal dating stuff to me. Ready for what? Ready to date? If so, then what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Ready to find Mr. Perfect? Whether you are or you aren't, doesn't sound like you have "found" him yet so again, normal stuff.

Just because you don't go gaga over someone that appears to be a good catch doesn't mean anything. All you are feeling sounds pretty healthy to me. If you were going gaga, then I would worry about you being rational! ;\)
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 10:16 PM
Thanks again Steve.

I guess I never really dated. I dated a guy in highschool for about three years.....that was the first person I went out with. When I went to college we dated the first year and then I broke it off because it was long distance and I didn't think I wanted to be tied down.

Went out with a few obvious jerks.

Then I met H and it was unbelievable. Went out for five years before getting married. Didn't even stay married as long as we dated. \:\( I have either been in long term Rs or just out once.

I guess right now I am just cautious.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/17/08 10:39 PM
Cautious is good Kris. Go with that!

I hear ya on the dating. I never really dated either. My first long-term boyfriend (or what was considered long term in high school) was 1 year and he broke my heart. The next few I just went out with occasionally and there was just nothing there. Then I met Gabe and I ran like a scared rabbitt because the feelings were overwhelming. He chased me down for 2 years in which I dated him but couldn't bring myself to commit for all sorts of reasons. I finally let him catch me after that. We dated 4 years before we got married, stayed that way 14 years happy and 1 year separated before the D.

I have to say, dating is a scary idea and I can't imagine ever letting another man get that close to me.

You take care of you first, the rest will follow!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/24/08 03:39 PM
Merry Christmas Kris!!!

Hoping you feel the blessings of the season and wishing you a very Happy New Year!!!

Love and hugs!

Michelle
Posted By: GoingForward Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/24/08 05:28 PM
(((((Merry Christmas, Kris!)))))
Posted By: MichelleLT Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/26/08 05:38 AM
Finally found your thread LOL

Whew!

Okay lots of congrats!!!

Yay for the new place!

Yay for the workout room!

And a very merry Christmas to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

((((((Kris)))))))

PS Totally get the thing with the BF. I've felt that too.
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/26/08 04:53 PM
Thanks everybody! I hope everyone had a great Christmas.

Whew! I have been so busy this week. I actually left work sick last Friday. It kind of hit me all the sudden and I didn't even think I was going to make it home. It only lasted about a day though so that's good. I took off Monday and Tuesday....now back at work today.\:\( At least it is Friday! There is NOBODY here today!

I talked to MIL on Tuesday. They always do Christmas Eve morning for the family. A little sad to think that I was not going to be there. I was there last year as xh and I were reconciling. I guess OW was there this year. I didn't ask and I didn't dwell on it. Just tried to keep myself busy. I made a conscious decision not to let the situation get me down.

My mom had a bit of a breakdown on Christmas Eve. My dad left 5 years ago and at times it still gets to her. I think the fact that he was spending Christmas with his new wife and her kids was getting to her. She kept saying "I just can't believe he is spending Christmas with STRANGERS!" I know how she feels and I have not really seen her break down like that. It was sad, but I just tried to keep her mind off of it.

XH paid the insurance this mont...only 2 days late this time. He paid too much but that's ok...I'll take it as pain and suffering. I actually didn't know he had paid it since he put the check in a different place than usual. I sent him a not so nice email...and as soon as I hit the send button my mom called and said she found the check. So then I sent him another email. I was pretty mean in my first one. Oh well.

Still haven't had time to take pictures of the apartment but I will definitely post some on FB this weekend.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/26/08 05:37 PM
((((((Kris)))))))

Glad you had a good Christmas, all things considered.

I have a feeling that your dad's departure was magnified this year because of your situation even if neither of you realized that. I'm so glad you were there for her. You are each other's best support.

Can't wait to see the apartment. Sorry you are having to work today. I work my second job tonight but hopefully it won't be too busy since everyone should be on Christmas dinner overload! \:\)
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/26/08 06:27 PM
Yes Mish, I am sure my situation magnified her feelings. Also the fact that he got married in August. Before that I guess she could just tell herself he was alone.

I had two vacation days I had to use and I decided to use them Monday and Tuesday. Now I am wishing I had used them today and next monday . It's not bad though, nobody is here and after a long lunch maybe I can sneak out of here early.

Hopefully your job will be as slow as mine today Mishka!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/26/08 07:31 PM
Well, mine is in a grocery store so keeping busy does help pass the time faster.

Hope you get out early!
Posted By: MichelleLT Re: Finally on my own again! - 12/27/08 02:26 AM
Sorry to hear you both found the anniversary stressful.

Glad you could be there for each other.

((((((Kris)))))))
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/19/09 09:33 PM
Hey GAL queen! We're in the 3rd week of the new year and no word from you sweetie! How are you?
Posted By: MichelleLT Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/26/09 10:50 PM
Indeed!

How is life?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/27/09 04:16 PM
Kris....knock knock.......you home????
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/29/09 07:27 PM
Hey everybody, thought I would check in. I haven't been on here in over a month. I think I was kind of getting in a rut and I was focusing too much on the D....so I just had to take a break.

I still haven't seen xh since September, but we did have a good talk over email. He told me he was sorry, he was a bad person...blah, blah, blah....but the good part was that I got some things off my chest. I no longer feel the anger towards him that I once did. The fact is, that despite how much I loved him, I am really much better off without him. He never had the drive for life or his career that I did and I feel like I have advanced so much farther without him. He is still stuck in that same "woe is me" place.

I am still dating the same guy and that is going really well. He gives me the space I need and he has his own things going on...so I am not constantly trying to entertain him and keep him happy as I did with xh.

I have started a new position at work and it comes with so many more responsibilities, but the days go quicker and I don't seem to dread going to work as much as I did when I started.

I have been working out like crazy and am finally back in a routine. I have dropped 15 lbs this month (....had started gaining weight after the D \:\(), and I feel great.

All in all things are pretty good. I hope everyone is doing ok, I will have to take some time to catch up with all of you.

Oh yeah....and it's my b'day!!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/29/09 08:08 PM
I see that! Happy Birthday!!!!

15lbs in ONE MONTH???????? How the heck did you do that? I know working out burns a ton of calories. What exactly are you doing? Did you completely change your diet too?
Posted By: klm Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/29/09 08:14 PM
Yep Mish, I completely changed my diet. I actually went to weight watchers. I've been eating a lot of fruits, vegetables, and protien. I have really been eating a lot, just not bad stuff like fast food and greasy fried food. I can't even tell you how much better I feel.

I guess I decided to obsess about my diet/excersise rather than my D/xh.
Posted By: MichelleLT Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/29/09 09:35 PM
Originally Posted By: klm
I guess I decided to obsess about my diet/excersise rather than my D/xh.
Sounds like a great plan!

Glad to hear you are doing well!

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Finally on my own again! - 01/29/09 10:04 PM
Wonderful plan! I really wish I had the time to obsess over my exercise plan. I have been VERY careful with my diet but my exercise plan is very hit and miss. Working on it.

Good for you Kris! I'm so happy for you.
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