this whole thing with my son and stbx's gf has me unsettled and I want to do something!! my son is utterly miserable.
This is the sitch in a nutshell
March• legal sep. signed, visitation set up while he was with then single no kids ow
Aug/Sep• messy breakup with ow, he buys a townhome
Nov 2• Comes to pick kids up with new gf kids have never seen, same night she sleeps over, later on I realize she will be living there for good. My son is horrified, upset and uncomfortable with gf, acting up (he has always been a very good boy)
Nov.11 • s10 tells me gf's kids will be moving in in Jan or so, stbx says maybe in Jan or a couple of months. My kids share a room now, but when they come they'll move my d5 to a room with her d9 and my son will share room with her s6.
The woman bosses my son around all the time, overrides whatever desicion stbx and I make about kids. My son either stays in his --for now-- room and sulks when he is there. Stbx says he has to get used to it and that it's his life to live (stbx's) STbx taking his time calling the C he agreed he'd talk to with s10.
My sitter (remarried, has 2 kids, married a guy with 3) told me that in the best of circumstances their kids needed a year to get used to the new family, that I should go to court and make it know that stbx is showing poor parenting decisions that are affecting the children in a negative way, to not let kids go to their dad (I think in her case her new H's ex was a psicho w/knife and that's how they let him keep kids)
If I go to court this will get really ugly, and I doubt they will give me full custody and it might just hurt kids and any chances I have of flexibility with stbx when kids/I would like to see each other. He is a total jerk and will make things horribly difficult. If I loose I won't have a leg to stand on.
Sitter tells me that I still have a chance to do something before D is final.
I did decide to talk to stbx in good terms suggesting I keep kids an extra sunday and wed. night, he already changed his mind about letting me have kids an extra sunday (thanks to gf) so I dont' know how well that's going to go.
I can't resign myself to just watch as my kid is thrown into heck once those kids come over, I know stbx will not stand up for them to gf when problems arise about kids. I HAVE to do something.
In TN there are two documents that cover a divorce w/ children involved. One is the dissolution agreement and the other is the parenting plan. Does you state have something like a parenting plan? In our parenting plan we stipulated there would be no overnight guests w/ people of opposite sex that weren't family members, in other words, a BF or GF.
Im in VA, I dont' think we have such thing, the legal separation covered everything from visitation to medical care to separation of assets. I sure wish there was such a thing here. So in your state if pretty much illegal to live together with a gf/bf if you have kids? wow, I didnt think that would fly here, there is no shame anymore.
"No Overnight Non-Family Guests" isn't required here but there is a document where you can list restrictions such as that. My X actually put that one in there, so it must have been standard fodder that her L threw in. Knowing her I doubt she came up with that on her own. I was just saying that there is a facility to specify things like that.
Do you have your own L?
we used a mediator, I talked to a L before and after the mediation, guess it wouldnt' hurt to have a consultation with her, though I've looked around and the info I find is that unless there is neglect, abuse or a big move I cannot modify the separation agreement.
This is really beyond your control, let it go. Your sitter is not doing you any favors by stirring you up.
STBX is not doing anything abusive. He is in what he assumes will be a LTR and has decent living conditions for the kids. Don't ASSume you know anything about who is making what choices. STBX will do exactly what he wants. He is the one screwing up. He is the one making bad choices. Don't put that on his GF. He may even be saying one thing to you and then doing exactly what he wants and assuming he can let GF play the heavy in your mind. His choices with respect to his kids are his responsibility.
Talk to a L if it will help you feel better. Don't bother to rangle with STBX unless you decide with the help of a L to take him to court.
Stick to the custody agreement. Quit expecting favors, quit expecting flexibility. Stick to the custody agreement.
Quit trying to manipulate STBX into doing what you want. It is not your choice to make whether or not he sees the C. Take S10 to the C yourself. If the C thinks it is critical to talk to STBX, she can call him.
Get out of STBX's life. The kids are safe. You don't like his choices, but they are HIS choices. The best thing you can do for your kids is to respect his space. Leave him alone and butt out until and unless there is a genuine concern about harming the children at issue. The C should be able to help you determine whether the emotional harm of a too-quickly blended family is worse than the disruption you want to cause in the kids' R with their father.
And think about this. A lot of your reaction is still grounded in baggage, anger, and jealousy. Consider DBers you know who are blending families way too early as well. I doubt you think they are evil doers recklessly bent on destroying their kids' lives. For your own sake and your kids, you've really got to get some perspective on this.
Yes, I have to admit there was still some jealousy, I I didn't think so, but it came out of left field when MIL told me she was disgusted how they were making out the entire time he took her to the dr. That primal feeling is there as he was my first and only, but the way he is now I would never want him back, I dont' want him as a man or friend or nothing.
There is anger in me, but not about our dead R, anger about what he is doing to our kids, what with him hoping all will be alright as long as he is not beating them.
I have nothing against blended families, I'm against bringing a woman to live with your kids when they've never seen her before and bringing her kids a few weeks later.
As far as the C, it's be easier for me to just take him myself, but if he takes him perhaps the C can illuminate this moron about what he is doing -- I guess that would be considered as me getting in his business, but if that is possible I'll try to make it happen, perhaps a 3rd party will help him use his brain.
So, when it is time to go to his dads and s10 refuses, do I have to force him to go? perhaps stbx will do it for me, he has no pity for him. MIL was talking yesterday about how she was telling stbx that s10 was a wonderful good boy, he said "nope, he really is not". I'm SOOOO glad that this earth isn't all there is, that it wont always be like this, such a shame that my good boy has a total jack@ss for a father.
So, when it is time to go to his dads and s10 refuses, do I have to force him to go?
IMHO no you don't force him to gol You let him vote with his feet and then you let H sit with him to find out why he doesn't want to go. It may take a few attempts for s10 to do this and for him to feel brave enough to say what he feels but with love and support he will do eventually. This way you cannot be accused of manipulating your children and therefore inadvertantly finding yourself in court for the same reasons you are considering taking H.
You have a much better chance of STBX being receptive to hearing things from the C if you don't coerce him into going. Take S to the C. Let the C tell STBX that he really needs to come in. If you want STBX to be able to hear anything from anyone, the less directly connected it is to you, the better.
Again, these things shouldn't even be on the table for s10. The custody schedule is set, stick to it.
Cat,
I agree with Oldtimer on this one. It really sucks and it's hard to do, but it's all you can do.
Just the best mom YOU can be to your kids. In the end, when your kids are old enough, they will see everything for what it is or was and make their own decisions.
Just do what you can about YOU. Love your kids. Be there for your kids. Listen to them. But unless your children are being harmed, there's nothing you can do about it other than being there for them.
I know it's hard, my sitch is similar in some ways. I've felt like my kids are the only things I can control in this sitch because I'm their mother, and STBX is trying to take that control from me. But I know they are safe when they're with him. And whatever emotional damage he is doing to them, I will have to help my kids with later. But I can only be their mother, and make the best decisions I can for them when they're with me. I can't be their father. And honestly, the more I fight with STBX on anything regarding the kids, the more he uses it to control ME.
So I love them. I'm here for them. And when they get older and see that their Superman is not so Super...I'll be here for them and pick them up and help them heal.
It's hard Cat, but you can do it. :-) (((((hugs)))))
ACJ)))))))))))))))))) long time no see hon, will go visit you in a bit. s10 has told stbx why he doesnt' want to go to his house, stbx doesnt' care. I was just on the phone with him and he said he has to come whether he likes it or not.
Well ot, before I read your post stbx just told me that it's his business. It is VERY hard to see it this way, but you are right, it is his business. And if he doesn't take him next week I'll talk to the school C so she can talk to s10 in the meantime because if I take s10 to C stbx will wash his hands and say "ok, you are taking him now" and won't show up ever.
SIGH, I hate this, that the agreement I signed long ago wasn't as great as I thought.
I've felt like my kids are the only things I can control in this sitch because I'm their mother, and STBX is trying to take that control from me.
yes, that's what's eating me, i thought that at least I could shield them from his crap. On the bright side, they get to choose when they are 12, I'm still debating whether to volunteer that choice or not, I guess it depends on how are things by then.
I'm praying so hard that this idiot doesnt change my sweet boy.
if I take s10 to C stbx will wash his hands and say "ok, you are taking him now" and won't show up ever.
Is that so bad? Your son is the one that needs help dealing with the emotions involved and it really sounds like he needs to see a good C. Take him, help him, don't worry about what your STBX does.
Don't waste your energy trying to decide what to do two years from now. Right now he doesn't have a choice, so don't cloud the issue with talk of possible future choices.
Take your s10 to a C other than the school counselor. The C will contact STBX to talk almost certainly. This will REALLY work much better thn you trying to manipulate things to the way you think they should be.
i can't help but see the word 'manipulate' in a negative aspect, as if it were for my gain only, I know you are trying to make a point OT. I firmly believe his dad should be involved in the C sessions, if it is possible that he can take him he should.
He actually did call and set up an appointment for next saturday, hope she is a good counselor, my first choice didnt' work at the location I called anymore.
Wow, it really bugs me that OW bosses your kid around. That's not right and I would be mad as hell too!
I understand that you believe his dad should be involved in the C sessions. I certainly agree with you.
However, trying to force things your way is not always the best way to help them go your way. In the case of STBX's involvement with C, he will likely get MORE out of it the MORE you back off.
Each time you butt in and try to manipulate/control/influence/coerce/encourage/manage (choose your favorite word) HIS choices, you make the C about YOU rather than who and what it should be about — him and his R with the kids.
Great he has the appointment! :-) Now, leave him alone.
Get your focus off STBX, HIS life, and HIS choices. Here is a question for YOU: Did you give STBX a chance to succeed and make good choices on his own in the M or were you always fixing/pre-fixing-even-before-there-was-a-problem/managing/anticipating/engineering/"helping"? If not, giving people space to shine and grow is a good skill to work on now and this whole thing gives you a great opportunity to do so. You gotta work your issues out sometime, may as well start now.
Did you give STBX a chance to succeed and make good choices on his own in the M or were you always fixing
Last year in August after I found about the A I didn't raise hell when he asked to sleep downstairs, during all that time I brought up R a once a month if that other than at the MC. During all that time he was cheating on me. Those last months we lived like 2 neighbors, I didnt' question him nor prod him to do a damn thing, if he didnt' want to touch me nor sit near me I didnt' say anything, just found something to do near him so we can at least spend "some time together" and didnt' touch him. He was far gone in his mind.
It might sound boastful but I have worked on my issues, I have let him go and realized he is not a well man and that my life is better off without him. I was happy and fine until I saw my kids crying and dreading going to their father, when I saw my son's little face cloud and tell me that he didn't want to go to his dads. I realize this is new road for me, accepting the reality that my kids will hurt and that they will have a horrible person for a step mom and that there won't be a thing I can do about it other than comfort them.
Yes, she is a horrible person, sleeping over when he's just met my kids, dragging her own kids to a total stranger's home and bunking them with his kids. My MIL was driving to a dr appt with stbx and her because she needed help with her wheelchair, MIL braked all of a sudden and stbx' neck flopped a bit, she jokingly said to him "dont' sue me for whiplash now!" and gf told him right on her face: "it's ok, when she goes you'll get her money anyways".
My MIL has a terminal disease and will have radiation tomorrow, if that was joke it was just sick.
That was the third time MIL and gf had seen each other.
If that isnt' horrible I dont' know what is.
And yes, it's none of my business who he marries/lives with, but my skin crawls when I think of that vile person near my kids.
eww, she sounds like a real piece of work.
Cat, sweetie, nevermind. I hear some defensiveness so I must sound like I was attacking you. Apologies. My intent was to try to get you to shift your focus off of STBX and his current activities. You are still (quite understandably) in a pretty reactive place with respect to his living arrangements. Your mind needs a problem to grapple with in its state of heightened anxiety and its tendency to go into fixer mode. So, I was trying to give you a problem of your own to grapple with and to fix. I was reaching back to your actions during your M, before the bomb. It can be helpful to recognize when old unhelpful patterns of behavior recur. But there is plenty of time to look at that stuff another time.
Anyway, I don't think it sounds at all boastful to say that you've worked on your own issues. You've grown a ton and are doing great, most certainly. People here have a lot to learn from you.
As for STBX's GF, no doubt she is making some lousy choices and even worse jokes. But if she is a horrible, hateful, irredeemable person, then your STBX must be DOUBLY so. For it is HIS responsibility who sleeps in HIS bed in HIS house, who he introduces to HIS children. These are HIS bad choices. She is the guest, he is the HOST. I'm not sure why you want to put the power in GFs' hands rather than hold STBX fully accountable for HIS OWN CHOICES. Given STBX is not after all irredeemably horrible, may his GF isn't either. Maybe your demonizing her is a kind of combined idealizing/infantalizing of STBX in an effort to protect him or the remaining shreds of your image of him? They are BOTH making lousy choices, but only HE is truly accountable for HIS kids.
This woman has nothing to do with your D. It is your STBX's choice to let her move in. It will really be better for you and your kids if you can reign in your hatred of her, especially if she does wind up being around long term. She did not ruin your M. She did not cause your D. STBX is the one who is accountable for who interacts with his kids and how.
Or, more briefly — YES, she is being a selfish creep, they BOTH are. If STBX has a chance of being a decent father, then she has a chance of being a decent step-mother. (Though in this case, I gotta say I'd be surprised if it lasts long enough for them to get married.)
Cat I hear you on the OW/step mother issue. I've been through similar issues myself but OT is right you have got to let it go. When I first came her my focus was solely on OW and what she was doing to my family. She did meet H after he left (although it was cutting it very fine!) and so I have to accept that she didn't cause the breakdown of my M. She certainly hasn't helped what has gone on since and I have hard evidence to prove that she has indeed made sure that things have got pretty heated at times. She once told my S16s GF that she felt guilty about splitting up our family BUT clearly not that guilty to walk away and find someone who was more free to be in a R.
Let the OW go today (and anyone like her that might appear in the future to also get an equally large engagement ring - I've been there too with Hs OW). She is not worthy of your thoughts. IF she steps out of line completely with your kids THEY will tell you and THEN you can take appropriate action BUT bossing them about is not one of those things that needs drastic action. She is a mum herself and what you don't know is if this is simply the way she has learnt to parent (don't get me wrong I'm not defending her just looking at it from a different angle). Let's face it I'm sure there have been times when all our children have complained about us 'bossing them about' I know my children certainly have but it doesn't make us bad people. In my case the one thing I WON'T stand is when OW raises her voice to my kids and I have tackled both her and H on this and as far as I know it hasn't happened again.
On the counselling issue. Does S10 want to go to counselling? If he doesn't you are on a hiding to nothing as there will be no achievement made (just like when you went to MC and your H didn't really want to be there). You can be his confidante, you can be the one to give him all the love he needs, you may just be enough to calm the storm that is obviously raging in his little head right now.
Take care.
Cat, I have a bit of a different twist. My kids (all girls) were a bit older when going through all of this a long time ago and I DID fight the custody issues and hard. I'll tell you why. It has NOTHING to do with jealousy or revenge issues. It had everything to do with raising kids at a certain age. My two youngest were 14 and 16 at the time their dad starting shacking up with a drug addict who called herself a PayPal whore. They were in a one-bed apartment and my ex was fighting me for co-custody, meaning they were to live with him part time.
I countered to his proposed agreement that he had to be in at least a two bed place, did not have the OW present, and if need be, provide transportation for the kids to their high school (he lived in different district), and pay any tuition necessary as per Ohio law if required because the school would argue whether or not their primary residence was in the town I was living in.
Some people thought I was being cruel or jealous or vengeful. Nope. Realities of the situation. I ended up being awarded full custody. Told the kids they were free to drive over there at any time by themselves (the 16YO had her DL by then, and the two older out of my 4 could drive too). Only stipulation was no overnights and my kids were good with that...they didn't like the OW's drama laden life either. Life sucked enough for them trying to adjust without having to possibly change high schools at that time and learning to cope without living with their dad and mom together.
Don't think for a minute that something in your gut is telling you this situation could be a less than good situation for your kids. If your gut is telling you something, then listen to it. This woman does sound like a piece of work. Your kids have enough to adjust to with a divorce let alone living in a soap opera like that trying to adjust.
Sometimes I do think we bend over too much in the thought that perhaps we are being revengeful or jealous. If not fighting the custody arrangements will only make you feel more resentful because you see your kids are not doing as well as you think they can, then I say do try to change those arrangements and fight it. Listen to your heart and think it out. I'm just trying to provide a different perspective for you. I was and am very happy I did fight my ex wanting "co-custody." It was a crock o'crap in my view. Someone needs to be a strong advocate for their minor children...that someone should be a strong, loving, wise parent.
Criminy keyz, a drug-addict whore in bed with their father in the same room with two teenage girls!!!! You definitely did the right thing there — glad that the courts backed you.
Criminy keyz, a drug-addict whore in bed with their father in the same room with two teenage girls!!!! You definitely did the right thing there — glad that the courts backed you.
Couldn't agree more. It just shows how every sitch is similar but very very different.
get you to shift your focus off of STBX and his current activities.
yes, true, it stung when I heard and learned of his new life with gf, him carrying as if his behavior didnt' affect the kids, it took me aback and it is something I 'm fighting hard to not care about.
I was even taken back to the past year and a half and wonder if I would've done something different perhaps this wouldn't have happen, trying to pin point where he went off the deep end.I see now that that is futile, dont' matter and only God knows who/what/where he lost his way, he is his own person and he choose to do what he did.
I dont' want to know more about that woman, I'm trying to now see her as a mother and hope that she treats my kids right, she'll obviously treat her kids better and there will be small injustices, but as long as she isn't a crack ho nor beating my kids I guess I just have to accept the fact she is going to be there for however long this crazy R of his lasts. I was surprised yesterday when stbx left the kids clothes to find out half of them where actually washed and nicely folded (of course it had to be her, he would've never thought doint that). I tried to see that as a positive point. Yes OT, it is not her fault stbx has no spine nor brain, though I'm pretty sure she's got her meal ticket since she barely works and doesn't have a car.
Whatever, it's his life. I'm still amazed at the hurt stbx has brought onto the children, I do hold him fully responsible for my son's anguish -- he sobbed last night in my bed telling me he sees nothing good in his dad and does not want to go back. I did tell him that when he is older he could choose where to stay but he said he didnt' want to leave his sister behind and would stay for her. My son has a heart of gold, that stupid man doesn't deserve such a good boy.
On the counselling issue. Does S10 want to go to counseling?
thank heavens he does, he even told me he was thinking of talking to a school counselor, I tried to explained him last night that hopefully his dad will understand him a bit better and things would be better for him, he sort of nodded yes to that.
Keyz, what a horrible situation, I'm glad they let you have your children. My son tells me everything (no, I dont' grill and actually rather not know what stbx and gf are up to). But I suspect there is any kind of abuse I'll be at the lawyers the next day.
Cat,
My point was not the fact I dealt with a moron and I didn't meant to make it sound that way. Rather it was you can choose to fight the custody and not feel an ounce of remorse due to "jealousy." You may have more options here than you may realize.
I'm not completely familiar with your sitch. But if your son is really unhappy about the situation, that should be telling you something. Your STBX sounds like a real dipwad and he's not making intelligent life choices right now. While his current GF may not be a "bad person" in that she isn't a crack ho, it does sound like she too may be the type to go from man to man just to have her meal ticket, too. She may not be all that great of a mom and their home environment will be very chaotic if her children move in and they have such a new R. She probably washed and folded the clothes just to make herself look good. I'd take that for what it is. A simple task and be grateful for that. Still you do need to look at the whole picture.
Yes, their behavior DOES affect the children. And if you believe you can provide a better, more stable environment than the one your STBX is in, then I would say you should fight the custody arrangements without fear of feeling you are doing it out of a false motive. Remember too custody and visitation are usually two different things in most states. Custody here in Ohio usually means refers to the parent who basically provides the "legal residence" of the children and is their primary guardian and who provides most of their physical and financial needs...I may not be explaining this right cause I'm not a lawyer but you can check with your L. Not having custody wouldn't remove your STBX's rights to his children or his rights as a parent. You can still have a visitation schedule. This may be a way to circumvent or minimize your STBX's GF's parenting...
Just some thoughts. I realize each state is different and each situation is different. Trying to figure out if you could have done something different is useless...it's just an exercise in frustration for you. Like I said, I just wanted to provide an alternative possible viewpoint for you, so that you didn't feel as if you had to avoid pursuing custody out of a false sense of "jealousy" or a false motive. I do believe you have to put the children's needs and desires first and what you feel you are most comfortable with while raising young children--in ways that are most consistent with YOUR morals and YOUR ethics. Looking back when your kids are grown, you will feel much better if you took the road YOU most desired in your heart concerning your children. I got some of the same advice as you with my ex when it concerned custody--my ex actually WAS a good dad before PayPal ho and when he wasn't around her. However, I objected to the woman's lifestyle myself and my ex's midlife addiction lifestyle. Unfortunately, no matter how you do slice it, kids ARE affected and do come into the middle of some divorce issues. How you handle that is what makes the difference. I was thoroughly happy to do what I did, no matter how hard I had to fight my own internal feelings and defend myself against others who felt I was "keeping my kids" from my ex out of some jealousy or revenge thing.
Your sitch doesn't sound half as strange as mine was. Still, the whole GF/R drama our WAS can go through is unnerving to kids. A lot of WAS get involved with very emotionally unstable people and get a lot of drama sucked into their lives. The kids get into the middle of that too!! I cringe when I see young kids in the middle of that stuff.
Great advice keyz. I think the keyz (heh heh) are to (1) Always try to get what you think is the best legal arrangement possible for the kids and (2) stick to the legal arrangement.
In general, I think it is an LBS tries to work outside the legal arrangement to control a parent who disagrees with what the LBS wants that has a very high chance of backfiring in big bad ways.
Best case, a WAS is going to co-parent effectively with a LBS only insofar as it matches their own agenda. (And vice versa BTW.) The space for effective co-parenting is thus in the best case limited to shared agendas. In the worst case, the WAS shuts down co-parenting efforts altogether in reaction to the LBS not respecting boundaries and trying to control their choices (even if they have darn good reason for wanting the WAS to behave differently).
I'm done trying to "reason" with stbx, in retrospect it was futile, it was like expecting he'd stop cheating and understand that love wasnt' a feeling but a choice. I wont anymore, that man refuses to understand why s10 feels the way he feels, to him it's no biggie at all and that there is no reason why s10 should feel bad ( about gf moving in, her kids too). As long as he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong he can give himself full license to foolishness.
I just realized that as yesterday I mentioned to him that last week I suggested to have an extra sunday with kids so that they would have somewhat of a transition when her kids come to live with them, that it could help all 4 kids get along better. His answer? our kids dont' have to talk to her kids.
I told him how s10 feels those kids are strangers and he is dreading that, and he says "well, once those kids come here and he meets them they wont' be strangers anymore"...
Unbelievable...
I know I know OT, let him be and stop telling him how handle his household. I guess I just can' comprehend how someone can be so stupid.
Im in VA, I dont' think we have such thing, the legal separation covered everything from visitation to medical care to separation of assets. I sure wish there was such a thing here. So in your state if pretty much illegal to live together with a gf/bf if you have kids? wow, I didnt think that would fly here, there is no shame anymore.
I am in VA also. I had it written into our custody and visitation agreement that there would be no non-family members of the opposite sex overnight. We actually had a showdown over it in the gurdian ad-litem's office because X was quibbling over the hours that defined overnight and was willing to go to court over 30 minutes extra with his OW. He got around it by marrying her 14 days after the divorce. Apparently 8 nights a month without her was too much for him to bear.
can't keep their pants up that long BND, isnt' it pathetic? stbx only has kids 2 or 3 nights a week, but still, he had to bring gf to live with him without even giving the kids a week a day! of warning.
The overnight things was actually supposed to be in our legal sep. papers, but it wasn't on the final draft and I just let it go, perhaps it would've bought my kids a month or so or not, I don't know, I was told told that even if it was there the court wouldn't have done much to enforce that.
Anyways, too late for that. And I'm sure that as soon as the D comes through he'll marry gf before the ink is dry on the D papers.
can't keep their pants up that long BND, isnt' it pathetic? stbx only has kids 2 or 3 nights a week, but still, he had to bring gf to live with him without even giving the kids a week a day! of warning.
The overnight things was actually supposed to be in our legal sep. papers, but it wasn't on the final draft and I just let it go, perhaps it would've bought my kids a month or so or not, I don't know, I was told told that even if it was there the court wouldn't have done much to enforce that.
Anyways, too late for that. And I'm sure that as soon as the D comes through he'll marry gf before the ink is dry on the D papers.
Yeah, it made the difference of three months in my case, from when we signed the papers until we were divorced and he was remarried. I am fortunate in that my X's new wife is nice enough to the kids, although from what I hear she is lazy and doesn't actually do much for them. D10 (almost 11) complained after spending two weeks with them this summer that SHE was responsible for making sure her younger brother was fed, and that no one really supervised them. Oh well, it is what it is.
"I'm done trying to "reason" with stbx." GREAT! Stick to the agreement or get it changed, otherwise leave him alone. You are right, he is not going to share your perspective. You've got it!
"in retrospect it was futile"
Remember, futile is best case. The more you push, the more he will act out. Leave him alone, and rather than act out against you, he'll be left with himself. Left with himself, I'm just not seeing that his road to M with GF is a done deal at all. Could be of course, but this isn't a LTR yet even in terms of dating. They don't even really know each other. Things are going to be hard for them no matter what. If you butt in, they make you the butt of their troubles. If you MYOB, they can only blame each other. So, if you'd like to see her out of the picture for your kids sake, MYOB.
If you butt in, they make you the butt of their troubles.MYOB.
yikes! I hadn't even thought about that! you are so very right... as it is stbx is trying to say that s10 is acting up just and only just because of the few new rules he's set up, not seeing that it's his R with gf the root-- he's blaming it all on s10.
MIL and I agreed, that when they get married (he didn't spend a few hundreds on a big engagement ring for nothing) and the honeymoon is over either
1) He'll stay with her because he was NEVER able nor had the spine to break up with anyone (stringing along then ow for half a year, lying to me and going to C while cheating..) Once those kids move in he wont' have the guts to tell her to move out.
2) He'll stay with her because even if their R deteriorates she wont' let go of her meal ticket, she already knows he's bound to inherit thousands once my very sick MIL is gone and will caress his ego and play it up.
anywayyyyyyyyyyyyys, I will try to mind my own beeswax and the less I know of them the better.
D10 (almost 11) complained after spending two weeks with them this summer that SHE was responsible for making sure her younger brother was fed, and that no one really supervised them. Oh well, it is what it is.
yuck, I'm so glad my s10 is there for my little d5, he is very protective of her even if she harrasses the daylights out of him!
We'll have a great xmas, stbx will go to MS since gf will want to spend the holidays with her kids, so I'll have my kids on his days
YIPEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I'll do cartwheels here but tell this info with a matter of fact tone when I talk to my son, I dont' want him to think that I think time with his dad is a bad thing (even if it is at some degree.) He'll have them for xmas day for a little while since he works, he even had the nerve to complain "is not really fair since all the holidays I have to work" well, duffus, had you been a good H and father you'd be able to be with them all the time.
He'll have them for xmas day for a little while since he works, he even had the nerve to complain "is not really fair since all the holidays I have to work" well, duffus, had you been a good H and father you'd be able to be with them all the time.
Yep< i feel the same way. When X says anything about time with the kids I just think to myself, "well, you chose to be a part time dad, you chose OW instead of working on your marriage and keeping your family in tact, no sympathy from me!"
Suzy, since you are in VA, how long does it take for D to be final after final? just wondering when stbx will put on airs after his upcoming M.
To those whose kids stay with WAS, how often do you get to talk to your kids? stbx keeps insisting it is disrupting that son texts me when he's with him (2-3 days a week) and that why do I have to talk to them if I'm going to see him soon?
Normally it isnt a problem, but last night I couldnt' get a hold of my son, I called, texted, send a txt to stbx asking him to let son know I'm calling.
Smells bad, he's up to something he didnt' want me to know or that I'd make a fuss about so he probably took my son's cell, haven't heard from stbx nor my son all yesterday (I see my kids today)
STbx sent a txt from my son's phone, I know it was him and not my son by the way he answered and how he didnt' tell me why he hadn't call me (my son loves to text me). I'm still riled up about it, I didn't get to talk to my daughter either and that just tears me up, on top that I dont' have my kids I didnt' get to talk to them.
Son has been acting up and even confessed on monday that he'd call his dad a name (another sad first, my son is an awesome boy), so that could've been a reason, but stbx always tells me if that's the case. Then again, when gf is around he barely texts back, he wants to show how little he cares for communicating with me when she's around, MIL tells me how he never calls her and if he does she is always within earshot. Yup, his b@lls are in her back pocket alright.
Cat,
I talk to my kids daily. At a minimum I speak with each of them via phone each night. Two of four have their own cell phones so usually I can talk to the younger two through the older two. Some nights, like last night, the two oldest are away from the youngest. I texted my X asking her to have them call. After 30 minutes they didn't so I called the home phone and talked to them that way.
The two oldest text me daily and will call when they need to talk. If my X takes away their phone they will call me from another phone to let me know. She sometimes gets perturbed that they call but the two oldest are very good about standing up to her over it.
Worst case scenario for me contacting them at night is to call the X's phone. That doesn't happen very often.
Steve
Tx Steve.
Had another question, stbx has started the D paperwork, the official sep. date is Jan. 19, he wants me to start signing stuff now, because of the kids I was considering going to court and I 've been told it is easier to change things before the D.
Well, he is furious, he says I agreed already to D, that what difference does it make now or Jan. 19.
About the kids he said we can come to some agreement depending what the C says but I dont' trust him, he could just change his mind. HE keeps saying how he does want to be with son but doesn't knwo why son hates him now, that he is not giving up any time with them, that he is showing he cares.
ARGHH, this idiot doesn't get it, you don't need to beat a kid to mistreat him, he still thinks he did nothing wrong to make my son feel bad.
SO much to think about...
Of course it is easier to change things before D. Basically, before anything is put to paper and placed before the court, make sure it is what is best for you and your son. Based on how he has been acting I would wait until you have to sign before doing so. But also keep in mind that long-term you want your son to have a healthy relationship w/ his father, so don't be punitive now in regards to that. Make sure the opportunity is there for the healthy relationship in terms of the time allotted to him. How he handles himself and how he takes advantage of that time is up to him. If he does his job as a father right, then things won't be so tuff on you in terms of how you have to handle your son. In a perfect world both D'd parents would make their children the top priority, but that just isn't the case many times. You expect him to conduct himself in a similar fashion as you conduct yourself, and he just isn't willing to do that right now. That is really all it boils down to...
I agreed to stuff in my D that has come back to bite me a bit, but nothing compares to how I've had to take extra special care in how I conduct myself and my relationship with my four kids. Their Mom didn't handle anything with discretion or sympathy for her kids, basically put them through a combine. While I did hit a point this past summer where I thought I might have to GO BACK to court in order to get them with me more, it passed. I figure there will be ebbs and flows in this as time moves on, but in the end I'm sure it will settle down. She told me once that we had different parenting styles (of course we didn't pre-sep & divorce) and that I would have to deal with her elected style of parenting. Bad as I hate to admit it, she is correct. As long as she isn't abusing them then I have to let her live her own life as a parent. In the end, how she elects to live that life and fulfill that role will dictate her kids view HER. How I live my life and fulfill my role as Dad will be how they view ME. I can't control her actions or what my kids think of her. I think the same holds true for you.
Cat your H is doing exactly the same as mine did. However mine did it within weeks of leaving and I can hand on heart tell you that it has really screwed my kids heads up. Even S16 who currently lives with H has been affected although neither of them would agree with that statement.
Cat,
Take a break from trying to reason with STBX about this. You say you are going to, but you don't. He told you that he would listen to C. GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO DO SO.
YOU need to listen to the C too. Indeed, before or after he has a session with the kids' C, you should to the C as well. Talk about your fears. Ask about the frequent texting and phone calls from you on STBX's days with the kids. Ask about whether it is more harmful to disrupt their R with their father or to allow them to transition to a blended family too quickly.
TAKE A BREAK from managing STBX and try to get some objective perspective on this. See where you are after S, STBX, and YOU have all met with the C.
Then, if it seems appropriate, take what C tells you and talk to your L. Then, try to change the agreement if it makes sense to do so.
This wrestling with STBX is not helping anyone. It is unproductive and is truthfully starting to sound like hounding. If you disrupt the D process you risk making things worse for you and the kids. If you are going to make the D ugly, he may as well too. If you can change the agreement, he can too. Maybe he'll require zero contact between you and the kids on his days. Who knows what he'll decide to try to add to the agreement.
You have got to let go of this for a few days and see how things work out after C. I know it is hard. I know that you are 100% right that STBX should be doing things differently with the kids. But this obsessing and controlling behavior is NOT going to help you or the kids. Let everyone see the C. Get an objective opinion on how best to proceed. See the L. THEN finalize your strategy. Flailing around in a tantrum right now risks closing some of your options and narrowing your choice of strategies. TAKE A BREAK. GET SOME OBJECTIVITY. DON'T HURT YOURSELF OR YOUR KIDS.
..r where I thought I might have to GO BACK to court in order to get them with me more, it passed. I figure there will be ebbs and flows in this as time moves on, but in the end I'm sure it will settle down. She told me once that we had different parenting styles (of course we didn't pre-sep & divorce)
thanks for reminding me this too shall pass and hopefully we'll find a happy medium.
It's hard to be objective when I see my son cry OT, it is not about me controlling all or having the upper hand, whatever will work for the best of my kids that's what I will do, obviusly him and I differ on what's best.
We did agree that we sorely needed the C to talk to both of us, for him to see how s10 is being affected, for me to learn the best way to deal with this.
So he calls me from the mediator/L and he is SUPER nice, I mean, fooled me for a while, talked how he "started on teh wrong foot about this, how his feelings are hurt that his kids don't want him, that he was afraid I was taking them away from him..." for a while I wanted to cry and say "NOW you get it?", but I just remained calmed, he actually said he was willing to work with the mediator again to see if we come to an agreement about visitation and our son, after talking to the C.
He was ssoooooooooo calm and serene, talking in the lowest tone of voice I've ever heard since this mess got started. Anyways, he kept talking how he didn't want to force kids, he wanted to be with him and make sure visitation was ok in case he got a bigger house and moved, yada yada... (which by the way, if we do indeed go back to mediation, I have to put there that kids have to stay in my district)
Later on he calls me, and I told myself not to go back to the same ol' merry go around, it was hard for he kept saying "but what is his problem? it's just a new partner, her kids are not monsters, you are projecting your feelings on him and that's why he is so negative with me" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH damn it, I am NOT , I know gf is convincing him of this, why didnt' I do that earlier then? during the months after the separation? whatever, he thinks it's me poisoning him.
I told him the C will talk to both of us, because we will never agree, he just kept going back to what a good father he was, that (not that I cared) the gf's boy's father didnt' see him and here I was fighting him to keep son away.
PHLUASE, what does he want? a father of the year award????
Something is up, but whatever it might work out for the best since he is playing reasonable, let's see how long that lasts, he says the mediator will not be his L if I fight him on this, so he rather work it out with me in a nice way (he kept repeating it when he was at the guys' office), he wants it all go smoothly, and the guy told him I dont' have to sign anything now (ha! I wasn't going to anyways).
We'll see, the mediator/L prob told him I can make things very difficult and draw this out for a few months, and for some specific reason he wants this D asap.
He's going to C with son on Sat, and I'll talk to her next week, we'll see what happens.
Cat,
Trust me, I know you only want what is best for your kids and that you have a better idea than STBX does of how to get that for them. I keep repeating what I've been saying because your current methods may very well needlessly interfere with your goals.
OK, here's the GOOD news:
STBX wants very much for this to go smoothly and quickly, AND he says he is willing to listen to the C. This is excellent. Again, give him a chance to do so. Stop pushing, then take what the C says to the mediator and get the best deal for your kids. He seems VERY motivated to get the D done without further ado, for whatever reason (I sincerely hope it is not a bun in the oven just yet, but rather simple pressure from GF to get D. He probably lied to her about his marital status at some point.). No matter the reason, HIS WANTING TO PLAY NICE TO GET THE D OVER WITH IS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. If you can keep him in that place, you have the best chance of getting the changes you want in the custody agreement, if your requests are reasonable and supported by the C.
Here's the BAD news:
STBX is CLEARLY starting to balk as a result of the pressure from you. If he decides he is in for a fight, FIGHT he will. And, he will be in a MUCH less cooperative mood and MUCH less generous mood than when he made the initial agreement. If this happens, you will likely wind up in a worse place than you are now.
CONCLUDING recommendation: remains the same... LEAVE HIM ALONE. Wait to see the C, then take that info to the mediator/L. BE VERY SELECTIVE in what you ask for. TREAD LIGHTLY. If you aren't incredibly careful about choosing your battles now, working for changes in the agreement could really blow up in your face.
I hear you OT, this is a whole new ball of wax and I am trying to learn how to handle this, and obviously I need to learn a few things more.
I have now pinpointed the reason why I'm feeling so anxious: it's my "rock bottom" phase. I've been feeling a bit hopeless, resentful and to be honest, jealous of the life he's planning with her that he could've had with me.. I'm going back to the past and trying to make sense, of who/when and what, how much was it my fault, his fault... going over the ifs and what would've been and sickening myself with such thoughts..
I had to admit that to myself in order to get out of this funk, I am putting my resources together again, gathering all the knowledge that helped me get over him when the legal sep. happened. Above all, I'm trying to remember that my worries have separated me from that peace God was giving me, that my fretting and doubtfulness have made me a worrisome wreck.
I dont' want to be tied to stbx by thinking so much about him and his new life/partner. I want to be free again and happy, I want to think of my children more.
This morning there were several wonderful messages I heard online, one was about believing that God will turn what is a liability into an asset, and that God will restore the years the locust ate. About being a book that my children will read one day, and what will they see? a woman grumbling and brooding about her ex and his new life? or a woman who loves her life as it is and through God able to go through anything and still be a happy woman, mother, friend.
I want them to be proud of me, I want to live a life without resentment.
I'll get back on the wagon now guys, it's been one of those weeks.
ON THE PLUS SIDE, the C told stbx not to force to be with him, so son will be with me most of the time for now, that it wouldnt' be necessary to change visitation legally, only modify it for the time being. C is confident that with time s10 will feel better and that she'll help him deal with the anger he feels right now. It made me so sad to hear that my s10's main goal was to have me and stbx back together, that all along before gf showed up he kept askign stbx when was he moving back, I had no idea...
Perhaps I said it wrong or should not have said it, but I had a talk with s10 and told him that adults change, and that his dad's feelings changed for me and that I did not want to be with the person stbx had become, but that that shouldnt' stop him from getting close to his dad, that nothing will make me happier than to know that s10 would have a good R with him.
I'm taking s10 to C this week, and perhaps I'll learn when to shut my mouth or say something to my son.
(((Cat))) Hey, this is hard stuff. You are amazing, and you will be the woman you want to be--I have NO DOUBT. Learning new roles means falling down a few times. It's the getting back up and moving onward that makes all the difference. Love and prayers for you, hon.
YAY CAT!!!
Sounds like you found a good C for your son and that STBX is starting to be a bit more reasonable. Keep in mind that informal changes aren't going to be legally enforceable. That could be fine, just be aware of it.
I think the talk you had with your son sounds great, especially this part: "that nothing will make me happier than to know that s10 would have a good R with him."
Great idea to quit obsessing about someone else's life and someone else's R. You are the important one here
thanks girls, still holding afloat here, have my two kids today, feels different but nice
we'll go out to eat and watch a movie at home. Im betting donkey didn't tell him the boy is coming next week, s10 needs all the heads up he can get, so I'll tell him today.
My positive thoughts and prayers are with you Cat. I believe that being a great mom and being 100% supportive and available for your children when they are with you will help them through this transition.
You might want to stop at a library, or book store, and spend some time looking through books about helping children deal with divorce. You may find some additional ideas.
Don't envy your H's life. Keep in mind, he has to deal with someone else's kids who probably won't be so thrilled about living with him, and may have their own dad somewhere in the picture making things difficult. The whole thing is ugly and you just need to stay sane, try to keep your own life drama-free, and be supportive for your children (which I know you'll do because you are a great mom!!!).
thanks baby, fighting the bad thoughts today, I need to kick my anxiety to the curb. Donkey has taken almost everything out of my house, tells me all that is left is trash and that he has no time to pick that up-- great-- at least he did take 90% of everything, so I'm just not going to fight about that and get rid of what's left. Of course he did take gf there, it slipped 2x when he called me today, stupid me argues about that but I drop it after a few secs., not worth it, his crap is out.
Of course $ must be tight since he is changing his mind about son being with me/sitter, that he thinks it's unfair he has to pay to sitter when he should be with him, that why is that his fault....ARGHHHHHH, I reminded him that we OBVIOUSLY disagree about who's fault is it and that $ shouldnt' be an issue but how s10 feels, donkey keeps mentioning that issue as "quote quote he's feeling bad". Jack@ss, guess gf tells him he shouldnt' have to pay. Well, guess after the humoungous plasma they bought and his 350$ cell bill (stupid cell co. keeps sending me his receipts online despite him calling to erase my email from their records).
Anyways, guess 2 weeks is two weeks, the week after next son is off school, dont' know how's that going to work, if my d5 will b with donkey the whole day without her brother, specially since her son will be living there already. Will bring that up to s10's C tomorrow.
I got a book about healing and kids root, guess I need more help than I thought.
Oh man I just feel for you. Reading all this makes me wish you were here on the west coast in California, and I could take you to a Starbucks so we could sit together drink coffee, eat cranberry bliss bars and hash through all this together.
Anyhow, I'm glad to hear he took most of the stuff because you won't want those memories. You need to start new. Get things you really like, new stuff... you have an excuse to shop! Yaaaay!!!
Too bad for him about him changing his mind on the babysitting expense. CALMLY tell him if he has problems or wants to make any changes he needs to talk with his lawyer and not you. In the meantime, you stick to what you want and decline whatever you don't agree with. At this point it doesn't matter who's fault it is, you have to work with what you have and do the best thing possible for the children.
Ah.... as far as the cell phone records, just delete them. Who cares....
Does your 5 yr old have a cell phone so she can call you if she has any worries or concerns? I don't want to alarm or scare you, but I'd have a talk with her about what is "inappropriate" and that if she's uncomfortable about something she can call you. Chances are absolutely nothing will happen, but a non-relative boy who may have lived with previous "dads" (my guess is mom may have lived with other men prior to shacking up with your X2B), and a chance the 5 yr old could be alone with him might concern me just a little, and cause me to carefully educate my kids about things so they can protect themselves or know how to react.... which any kid should know regardless. But do this carefully so you don't scare the kids!!! And don't you freak out either!!!
Do not overreact!!! Just try to be prepared. If you are prepared everyone should feel less anxiety because they will know what to do. They will be prepared for any senario and know what to do rather then worrying about what could happen. It's like Earthquake preparation. We don't want to scare the kids about them, but going over it, giving them the tools on how to react, it will only make them more confident.
Stay strong, and try to be positive for your kids. Hard times and big challenges can make us stronger. Teach your children to face them and prosper in spite of them.. because if they didn't have this difficult time to overcome, there would be another at a future time.
{{{{hugs}}}}}
thanks sweet)))))))) still checking on me after all this time, you have more care and compasion in your little finger than donkey ever did in all the time I put up with his crap.
Had a good session with the C today, she is very kind and my son likes her, she taught me a few things about talking to my C and did remind me that I have to let go of fretting about my kids at his house with her kids, asked me if I was a woman of faith and reminded me that God is watching for my kids.
Right off the top she told me how she didnt' think donkey;s R would last, and that I didnt' need all that grief in my life, that I had to be the constant in the kids lives since he will fluctuate.
Doing a bit better, I just LOVE my book 'healed without scars", here are a few tidbits that have jolt me into life:
-All out expectations should be placed in God
-We should not rely on our faith in God, rather in His ability to work in out lives, our faith has to be connected to God's strenght, not ours
-Sometimes situation dont' change, but we do
-About the woman who lost her son whom Jesus resurrected: 'the funeral was an interruption on the young man's potentian and his mother's future, not the end of them. When they encountered Jesus they entered the infinatg realm of posibility.'
-Satan will challenge every component of my deliverance.
I have a few plans for this weekend and i'm looking forward to thenext few days, a lunch at work tomorrow, christmas party with my single parents tomorrow, late at night dancing with my cousins...
it will be ok...
Sounds like a nice weekend ahead. One thing I want you to keep in mind when things look negative or bad... look for the silver lining. There always is one. Even if it's teeny tiny, it's always there. Sort of like that sappy Pollyanna movie when she talks about the "glad game."
For example, you might be sad about a piece of furniture XH2B took, but instead you can be glad because you get to pick out something new that you'll like even better. I remember I missed my H when he moved out, but then I loved having the extra space in the closet and being able to stay up all night reading without having to use a stupid flashlight under the covers. Everything has a positive and negative.
Also, with our children.... we do want to protect them. I know I do. I'm massively protective of my kids (and actually other people's children too!). But on the other hand, I know they have to learn how to deal with difficult things in life. Since I cannot always be there to protect them, and I cannot always fix everything no matter how hard I try, the best I can do is try to teach them about things, and give them "tools" on how to deal with different situations, ways to react, encourage them to talk with me, and when bad things happen brainstorm ways they might create a better outcome if they go through it again.
Anyhow, you have a wonderful weekend Cat and I'll be sending good thoughts your way!
you are a good friend root)))))))))))) have a great weekend
Hello, Cat,
Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
thanks Nocode, best wishes your way, all of you have been in my christmas prayers))))))))))))))))))))
Suzy, since you are in VA, how long does it take for D to be final after final? just wondering when stbx will put on airs after his upcoming M.
Sorry, I haven't been around the boards much lately. In my case, my ex filed a deposition after we had been separated a year (VA state requirement if you have kids.) It didn't take long after the deposition was filed, maybe two weeks, then the finl decree was signed by the judge and we were divorced. I found out about 4 days later because I was checking the court websie regularly. I looked at it during work and went to lunch and told my friends. Very anti-climatic after all the [censored] he had pulled. So less than two weeks after I found out we were no longer married, he married OW (on Valentines day no less
). He called to tell me before the kids came home "so I wouldn't be surprised." I wasn't surprised, in fact, I won $20 in a bet that he would marry her on Valentine's day, that is how juvenile and predictable his behavior had become. My friend didn't believe me when I told her he would! LOL
a deposition? hmm, not sure how that works. We have a sep. agreement all signed, he was whining because the cost of getting a L and filing would be as much as what we paid our expensive mediator, boo hoo.
I really wish MIL stoped telling me any more details, they just come out, and still it feels like a small kick in the stomach. MIL talks about how he's in over his head (keeps buying animals, his place looks like crap) and how gf is running the show.
They came from MS with all her stuff... and her kid. Today was the second day my little d5 was with her s6, she was so sad when I dropped her off this morning, but when I called tonight she was having fun making a tent with him, I was glad for that.
I'm still fighting the feelings I get when I see them together, they came in her car today to pick up something, MIL telling me they are going to a new church as if all those years of attending ours meant nothing (he went back to the denomination he used to be part of when we first met). Guess they are both all happy now, the new...ugh...family getting along... for now, my son is still yet to come again and then her d9.
At least my son is doing better, the C is awesome and we'll be going next wednesday.
I do pray that the kids get along, dont' get me wrong, but it still hurts, that after all those years and after all the crap he's put me through he gets to play family with my kids and her. I know this feeling will pass, that I need to hang on to my faith and to the time my kids and I have together, I know it will be alright.
a deposition? hmm, not sure how that works. We have a sep. agreement all signed, he was whining because the cost of getting a L and filing would be as much as what we paid our expensive mediator, boo hoo.
I guess after being separated a for a year either party can go give a deposition, and there also has to be a "witness" deposition (my X had a co-worker go in). They both went to X's lawyer's office and gave their depositions that we had been separted a year with no reconcilliation. The lawyer prepared the final decree of divorce and it was all sent over to the courts. My lawyer also got a copy which she sent to me to approve. It was held up a little on my end because I hsd decided to go back to my maiden name, so I had to get that paperwork together, which included a copy of my birth certificate. X was so antsy about getting it done quickly that when I didn't immediately respond he had a court date set, but my paperwork got there and it all went to the judge. The judge simply signs it, we weren't even there, and voila you're no longer married. Part of me wanted to force him to go into court and face me to get the divorce, but it would have just cost me more money and as f*&%$d up as he is, he would have still said it was all my fault and what I wanted, so I just sent in my papers. And then I checked the court case online regularly and found out one day that I had been divorced for about four days. And about a week later X married OW.
I do pray that the kids get along, dont' get me wrong, but it still hurts, that after all those years and after all the crap he's put me through he gets to play family with my kids and her. I know this feeling will pass, that I need to hang on to my faith and to the time my kids and I have together, I know it will be alright.
Yep, yep, been there, done that. I know the feelings well. They don't deserve to be a family with your kids, but it is what it is. And I believe that no matter how much they may appear to be the happy new family, at the end of the day they still have to face what they did, and that will never erased, so how happy can they truly be? They had to destroy others to "win" their happiness. I wouldn't want that price. I wouldn't want to live with that legacy over my relationship.
thanks Suzy)))))) it's taking me a while to accept how fast this idiot had shaked up with someone and will be marrying this person who already had 2 kids.
I guess he will be setting up a deposition with his L, he was balking about how he had to get a witness to sign it, be he'll have gf do it for him, whaterver, why should i care.
Having a good tiem with my family at least, i have my kids until thursday
...it still hurts, that after all those years and after all the crap he's put me through he gets to play family with my kids and her.
My sentiments exactly, cat. It hurts a lot to see them playing happy family with our kids and to have some shameless ho playing Mommy to our kids. Thinking about all of that makes my heart break.
Hiya mama
I wanted to wish a very happy new year.
You are in my thoughts and prayers so often.
I read your posts and I can remember so vividly the anger I had/have still at times about someone else being with my babies.
I think my favorite line is " I did not become a mom to be a part time mom"
Which I do have the kids more of the time than he does but still.
It hurts the thought of having some other woman looking at my kids when they laugh that would make me want to get in the car run my x over.
i haaaaaaaaaaaated it.
To think that kids would not want to eat something she made and that she would reprimand them in anyway. Well the thoughts were horrible and I made myself sick for a long time.
I would hear some "step moms" talk about their step kids and it was not nice, and I would cry and cry for days thinking that Susan could talk like that about my kids one day. Oh it' sooo awful.
Recently we had some events that angered me to the point of wanting him to move out of the country. (which FOR ME would be great still :-) )
With prayer, and guidance of my family and friends i was on my feet again the next day.
Susan in her own HO ish retarded way, cares for my kids.
I never in a million years thought i could ever muster the words to say it.
She sees them every other weekend.
She has made their time there as welcoming as possible. Once I let myself really listen to the kids.
Her kids i have to tell you, really do love my kids.
X has dropped off my kids with her kids in the car and the first time I opened the door and saw her 3 kids with him,I wanted to beat him up. Then i saw this lanky long haired boy wave at me and he had the biggest smile on his face.
That was Susan's son. I waved back with the same big smile.
The children are innocent.
This is the hardest time. This new transition, the newness of their relationship her kids with your kids, It used to make me so sick and sooo angry.
Then I would be the ONLY one sick and angry b/c they were living their life.
It is not fair at all. It is not. To accept something you never thought would happen, and to accept something that should not be accepted is the hardest pill to swallow.
I am sorry you are feeling the hurt of all that mami.
I am how ever so happy that the therapist is working out.
You are one of the strong ones, you of stong faith.
Day by day. With prayers and friends and family along the way, it will fall into place.
HUGS HUGS HUGS
I have never posted to you but have caught up here and there. I read all of your words Lissie and I believe them. I just wonder if we would be feeling this way if our divorces didn't involve a third party. I mean if ex had taken time "away" from a relationship and then met someone and they became involved, would we still be angry? This is still someone else with our child but they didn't wreck havoc with our family.
Does the idea ever stop hurting?
kat
lissie baby)))))))))))))))) been looking for ya girl!!! where you been? sounds like you've had a heck of a time, my prayers your way hon, you and your babies are always in my mind too, I too had all this horror stories in my head about future step mom, to the point of making myself sick! it was/is so hard to push the bad thoughts away. s10's helped me with that, when I mentioned my fears she simply asked "are you a woman of faith?"... that gave me a LOT to think of, and when she reminded me there are angels watching after our little ones.
I too squirmed when kids told me how d5 cried so much because she didn't want to finish gf's food (which, 99% of the time consists of mac&cheese with mash potatoes), I tried to be objective, there are time when they also give me a hard time about eating.
My point is, that it just seems much much worse when kids go through certain sitches whereas it wouldn't have been a big deal had the very same things happend to us. We just have to lift both hands to the sky and hand the Lord our fears, that's pretty much the only and best way to handle those thoughts which torment us.
kat, I agree with you, I was fine as pie when stbx was alone and he had 1 to 1 time with kids, once gf appear my peace was shattered in a million pieces, which I guess means I have more to learn (in my defense, he was a jerk about it, he knew her 6wks before he moved her in and accepted her kids to move in with mine, BIG shock to my kids and me, he never even bothered to tell me about her, nor about their upcoming M)
I want to believe that it WILL stop hurting, I want to be healed without scars, I want to move on and view this wretch of a man as a husk of my once loved H, the jerk who's with that new woman is not the man I married.
bit bumbed, kids go back to school, I go back to work, kids go back to stbx... we were together for almost 2 weeks, seemed so natural, I'm going to miss them so.
I know it's better to stick with the visitation schedule, had a bit of a dissagreement with stbx about keeing kids for a bday, he then called back, after talking to gf i'm sure, and said it was unfair, that he wanted more time with them, etc etc.
I should know better, I did in a way try to get time with kids that should've been his.
I had it coming I guess.
Now, my son is ready he says, to go for one day, he 's mostly worried that his d5 will misbehave on the bus, he's a class act my boy. I had almost gotten used to the rutine a few weeks ago, I have to get back on track again, believing they will be alright and me keeping busy.
I hadnt' realized our 2 wks vacation would come to an end and things would go back to "normal".
I know my redeemer lives, and that he has great things in store for me, that this is not it, I have to get back my focus. I need to pray now, and know that I pray for each of you everynight, hugs ))))))))))))))))))))
CAt, are you on FB? Was hoping to get in touch with you.
Cat, darling, remember ANTs? Just a thought that hit me when I read this:
after talking to gf i'm sure
I know it's crappy, you're slogging through mud you and your kids had no part in creating. You're doing great, you will conquer. Light is more powerful than darkness--always.
xoxoxo
i'll get there in a bit bnd)))))
Aud, guess it shouldnt matter anyways, if he talked to gf or not, MIL I know she plays him like a puppet, that's his problem. Hugs toots))))))))))) thanks for checkin gon ol' cat
I just caught up on your thread-- sorry about your STBX's obliviousness re: your S. I just had an evil thought: what if you MIL changes her will?
oh, but she is !! she's told me that the first thing she was going to do this year was to change her will, hope she does some good with her money.
I just joined a new single parents group through meetup...and... I offered to host a Valentines' day dinner, yikes! he he. My other single parents group was having a dinner too but the limit was 4 adults since the host's home is small.
This new one is smaller and newer but closer to my area, not as active as the first but I sure hope I help so we can do more stuff together.
I can't wait! I'll actually look forward to Vday, I'll have about 15 people plus their kids, it will be a potluck kind, I'll set up a table for the kids to make vday cards for the parents and a movie downstairs.
I'll decorate the house with candles and a vase of red roses at the table, I want it to be special for all.
It makes me sad to see so many single moms with kids under 4, most of them are, there is a 24yr old who just gave birth, her D will be final soon.
I'm looking for psychology classes nearby, if God allows it, I want to be some sort of a counselor for kids and start a Rainbows program in my church for kids who have gone through hard stuff (death/divorce, etc)
Doing much better, hugs to all))))))))))
HA! OW should've kept her mouth shut-- she and your STBX are in for a rude awakening.
You do sound much better. Kudos for staying busy!
oh, but she is !! she's told me that the first thing she was going to do this year was to change her will
Be prepared for the fact that she might also have it written in that as her ex DIL you don't get anything. I know you are close right now but blood and money do funny things to people.
I'll be surprised if she leaves my kids any money! I'm not expecting her to leave me a dime at all, I'm pretty sure even in death she wouldnt' want her son to be too mad at her (they only have each other and SIL, no other family at all)
I can only hope she leaves them college money, she is ultra loaded, I hope at least she give them a few ks, but really, I'm not expecting much even for her only grandchildren.
compared to what others are going my whine is somewhat petty, but I have to vent somewhere!
Despite telling stbx that his gf is not to set foot in my house, he's yet again let it happened! he was late and she was the one who brought the kids clothes and the dog. He's a little bichon who is an indoor door, stbx used to have a key and would drop dog/clothes before he had to go to work. Since he as no key now we have a problem, once i picked dog up (gf was there, son picked dog/stuff up) and a few times stbx picked dog up from my enclosed back porch.
Today he had to go in early and she was the one who dropped the dog and clothes on my back porch. It was freezing and there was no food for the dog, it is an enclosed porched but it is not heated and it can be very cold there, I was so mad when after txting stbx I learned the poor dog was there all day with no food.
The freaking liar told me he dropped him off before work, I learned by my s10 that it was gf who dropped dog off in the morning. ARGHHHH!! why does he have to LIE so much?? I know I shouldnt' expect any better, but it just made me so mad, he is such a looser, grrrrrr @#$@#%$#%$#% I called & he didnt' picked up, just left an vm telling him to not leave the dog on the cold and to tell me if he is unable to drop the dog off, I was so po'd.
ok...ok... ranting over... bleah, I hate it that I'll have to deal with him for years to come...
Simplify.
The kids have two homes now. Clothes can be at both homes, no? The dog lives at one home, end of story.
As far as GF dropping off the dog, the dog would have been in the cold whether GF or H dropped off the dog. I'm not sure why it matters that she did. She has not harmed you. Your pain is not her fault. She did not break up your M. She did not lie to you. H is the one who has treated you badly.
what boils me OT, is that my wishes are not respected, it is my home and I have a say about who goes there. No, she didnt' break up my M nor destroyed or stole anything when she went to my house, but I see it as a violation of my privacy that she was there, I actually wouldnt' have had a problem with that had stbx just told me he was late and had no choice but had her do it, it is his trying to put one over me that makes me mad.
The dog and my son are a package deal, my son refuses to part with dog, he sleeps with him always, I try to make it so the dog isnt in the porch for more than 4hrs. And he recanted on his offer to buy kids clothes, so all the clothes have to be provided by me (he reminds me that's why he pays child support), he balked when I told him he'd have to buy a nighgown -to keep at his house- for d5. If I dont' send any clothes, I kid you not, he will send them to school for 3 days in a row with the same clothes and then blame me.
Well, I'll try to come up with a salomonic way to exchange the dog.
Well, I'll try to come up with a salomonic way to exchange the dog.
LOL
That one had me scratching my head!
yes, double LOL :-)
Yeah, I understand about your wishes not being respected on top of more lies. I'd be pretty well P.O.'ed myself. And, for the record, I wouldn't let my XH's GF in the house for a long time, but they got involved while we were still in MC, though I doubt she knew that. Oddly enough, they both helped me and H pack the house up when I moved.
Does your H have partial custody of the kids? I would think having any custody would mean that he should be able to cover food, shelter, and clothing for them. Otherwise, wouldn't he be an unfit parent? Wouldn't your child support payment be higher if you had full custody? He needs to buy them some freaking clothes. What a creep.
I guess I asked about GF not because I thought it was OK for her to bring the dog over, etc... It absolutely wasn't. But rather because I was wondering if that was really a battle you want to fight. STBX will lie and manipulate as long as it is easier for him to do so right now. There will be less reason for him to do so if he doesn't have to worry about managing you with respect to his GF, if that makes any sense. Maybe if he feels like he can be more honest with you, things will get to a better place, which would be better for you and the kids.
Steve, he also has custody of the dog
(yes, it is on the sep. agreement) so we have to exchange dog/kids at about the same time.
They helped you pack OT? yikes, that must've been odd. Stbx has partial custody (2-3days a week)and at the time he promised he'd buy clothes and stuff so he could claim one of the kids as dependant, later on came the "I dont' have money, I can't buy them clothes" and now is not even an issue. He never did buy d5 pajamas, he gave her MIL's old 2X shirt to wear, yes, 2X, the thing swallowed her 3x around.
No, it's not a battle I want to fight, he normally is the one dropping things off. When he is around her he is a jerk, when she istn' he is half reasonable. He never did give me the benefit of a doubt, he rather lie than chance any trouble, no matter how I understanding I was, instead of a long explanation (I was late, had to go to court, gf dropped the stuff/dog today) he took the easy way out (I dropped dog before work).
He lyies as he breathes, it's second nature.
Anyways.... nice to see you again OT, it's been a while
Well, guess I'm getting used to this madness, trying to not aks s10 any questions about them, I dont' want to know. It's still a fight though to NOT think of them/her/past/where I went wrong, I was past that until he brought her to live with him.
Well, next week, the 19, is when he can file, he already has stuff rolling, I will sign Feb 1 so I can have one more of health insurance free before I get my own and pay for it. I know he'll balk and complain, but if I dont' have to pay for one month then he can wait 10 days, I'm pretty sure he'll threaten to serve me or something though I think when you are serve you have at least 30 days to reply, so the joke will be on him.
I don't allow the ow in my home either. I consider my home my safety zone and that is one boundary I won't let go of no matter how immature it may seem.
I know how you feel cat... but, I wish that my D would get to wear the stuff I send with her. Instead she wears hand-me-downs from ow's kids... She has come home a couple times lately in stuff with holes in it.. It went straight into the trash!
really? jeez, the things we have to put up with... glad to hear from you hon
Hey girl, just checking in...hope all is going well for you.
awwwww, feeling the love...
HAPPY VDAY TO YOU ALL)))))))))))))
No other place have I found so many commitment and love filled people as here, who went through trials of fire--I pray that you come out stronger and with peace in your hearts, that each level of your individual Everests brings you closer to find that peace that surpasses all understanding.
Me: keeing busy, my place looks great, busted my butt taking wallpaper off & painting, having some single parents over for vday tomorrow, bought some roses, I'm feeling great.
Kids: Son is doing much better, the C is golden, helps so much, it is little d5 who is now projecting and hating going to stbx. C helped deal with their moods, to acknowledge their hurt and to redirect them, told son today we all know dad did wrong and it hurt, but that he it is ok to love dad even if he hates what the did. I held back tears, have not cried in months, only my kids' hurt hurts me now. But over all they are happy as clams with me.
The rest: stbx has submitted D paperwork, I got the stuff, will have it reviewed by someone even though all was nailed down on the sep. agreement. Signing is just a formality, the worst is over (S for good last yr, learning to not have kids around). So signing that piece of paper means nothing to me now. Will be D in 2wks or so.
Stbx is even deeper in debt, gf tries to pick fights indirectly and tries to destroy the communication stbx and I have over kids, talks to him as he is talking to me to tell him what to say. Last sunday she txted me as him, was just pushing buttons and being a total jerk, I didnt' take the bait.
I wont' be answering txts when he's off, only calls. Kids hate her food and d5 cries when her hair is combed by gf, I dont' like it but in the whole scheme of things there are worse things.
Her d9 isn't here yet, s10 dreading it, I'm sure there will be squables...C teaching s10 to cope.
Slowly but surely making it my "normal happy mode" one that now involves being a single mother, it's taking its time, but I'm working hard at making my default happy mode one in which I love my life with the kids, the 3 of us.
Ok, this is getting too long, lol, hugs to all of you)))))))
Wow, thanks for the update. Has anyone told you you're amazing lately? You are. I'm glad the C is helping. And that you're feeling good about you and keeping yourself busy.
xoxo
Cat - sounds like I could have written your update - yay for both of us!! I am glad to hear that the kids IC is helping them so much. I wish mine weren't as reluctant to go (S13 flat out refuses at this point).
Happy Valentines Day, Cat.
Cat
amazing how the OW is so controlling
and He puts up with it
it is hard on the kids..good that C helps
peace
I'm sorry to hear that Donna, but do try to talk to him, I learned tons about what to do/not to do about our children's pain in the the book "healing the hurt restoring the hope' give that a try, he needs to let it out, if not, always leave the door open to give him a chance to let it out, it gets extra hard when they are teens)))))
thanks peace, the gf's grip goes beyond the imaginable. For some strange reason she makes him reduce the amount of time kids speak to me, tries to get rid of any flexibility stbx and I agreed upon at the beginning of the S, it's horrible.
ANYtime we have to agreed on something he turns to her (yes, I hear him) and ask him "is this ok?" aRGH!!!!!!!!!!! even if it is to the best advantage of the kids he goes with what she says.
I finally had it and let it know that I know she is texting as him, after my reply she didnt' refute nor text back (she had just sent a very rude text and was mean talking about my d5) My reply was not hateful nor angry, only said pretty much that if stbx had something to say, to call me, that I wans't havign another txt fight.
This is where I need your help. When stbx picked up d5 (it was the worst time, she sobbed and refused to go, he stood there blank faced telling her to go, no hugs nothing, he comes back from the car as she sobbed to talk about some bill. I was so mad, I tell him to just go, he snaps at me "she'll be FINE!" and takes his time, I finally snatched the bill (which was old, something we could've talked on the phone about it) and shut the door.
He makes her sit on the FRONT seat (he came on her car, which is clean and there is space in the back) Now, d5 was terribly upset and the drive to his home is of 3min, those were the only reasons I didnt' come out to make her sit in the back.
I gave him a booster seat last year, the kind that is a half one, doesn't take any space or anything. S10 tells me she never wears one (neither gf's s6 who is a tiny skinny boy who could really need it). I cannot let him endanger my d5 like that, I told him on a vm that I wouldn't let him take d5 without one, his only reply was to not threaten him. Other than that what can i do??? I will never forgive myself if something happens to her and I didnt' do enough to protect her.
The D papers aren't final yet, the sep. agreement can be amended but only if he agrees, i want to put there that she will not go with him unless I see the booster seat when he picks her up, I dont know what else to do. My d5 will be 6 in 3wks, she is a big girl, weights 65lbs and is 48" tall, but VA law says a child has to be 8 and 80lbs.
I dont think she sits in the front often, he always has her sit in the back, but the booster seat thing is killing me.
Cat, VA State Law trumps anything in a D or S agreement. He ought to be doing it because it IS the LAW. All you can do is "remind" him. Beyond that, it is out of your control, so don't delve on it. I know exactly where you are coming from on this, but it is out of your control.
If it were me and he refused, I wouldn't let him take her and/or I'd call the cops. Definitely non-negotiable I'd say.
ot, I swear, whatever spine he had left it is gone, even if it benefits the kids he'll just go with whatever she wants. She doesnt' use a seat for her kid so he sees no need to use one for my daughter. Seeing my d5 cry and seeing him act so cold killed whatever feeble connection that still attached me to him.
He's a horrible empty person, whomever can make my little ones cry or ignore or blame it on them (he said he is "putting up" with my son's behavior relating with gf/kids)is not worth a penny, and all the time I wasted feeling his absence, I will fight even harder to banish any longing for him, he's not worth it.
I see that same coldness in my STBX
Its like they found a way to shut down and be stones
MY IC said that as long as the kids have one stable parent, they will be ok
they may have issues but who doesnt
we are the stable parents
and Im trying to hold a higher thought for my STBX eventhough I doubt we will reconcile, I hole the thought that he will progress spiritually and become closer to god and a better father and man
eventhough at this point he is a shodow of a men, it still helps me to hope for the bets for the sake of my kids
peace
I'm not sure why your actions with the car seat have anything to do with why he isn't using a car seat for your D. It doesn't matter whether he decided on his own or is a mindless zombie under his significant other's control. Either way, it is still illegal and dangerous for him to put D in the car without a car seat.
cat posted to you on my thread (just now that I found yours).