Hi everyone,
I don't post much here any more.But I do read your posts.Most of you have good people helping you.It is nice to have a sounding board and friends to help when your moving on.
I have seen is quit a few post here about how your life is not as good as the ex's.How they have all the money,new love,ect....
I see this as compairing your life and thinking it just doesn't add up to equal.Like they got lucky and you ran out of luck.Well thats just not true.They had a headstart.Your timeline is different.
I have seen where some have said that time doesn't heal all wounds.Well you got that right in part.It's not time alone that heals.It's doing the work.What is that work?
Is it getting a new partner? No that is a byproduct of doing the work.
Is it getting a new job? No.That could ease the money sitch.But it won't make you any happier.
Is it getting a new place to live? No but it is nice to have a place you picked out that is just right for you.
Is it finding a new hobby? No.But it does make the days more fun.
Is it finding a whole new set of friends? No but it helps to have someone to go to when you need to talk.
So what is it that heals the pain.It could be all of the above and learning to love yourself.You can lose everything you have but you still have yourself.What is it that you love about yourself.
At first I hated to be alone.I come from a huge family.I just wasn't used to it.
Now I'm just as content being alone as I am in a crowd.
Learn to love yourself and you will always be loved.
Later Friends
Briget
Thanks Briget!
Very poetic.
Hi Briget
Your post Definitely fits into the DB principles and the fixing of ones self. Actually the removal of consideration for the X reguardless of their financial or social position is in my estimation the best insult one could deliver without trying. The fact that person is no longer a factor in your life (they become a nonperson) in many aspects is liberating. In a sense your are saying to the X 'You are dismissed'.
On being alone I believe you embrased what you feared and turned it into a positive. Courage is meeting your fears and overcoming them and if you have no fear then there is no courage.
In a sense your are saying to the X 'You are dismissed'.
I agree with a good bit of what you say.However not this.I'm not saying anything to the X because I'm more focused on living my life.Finding what makes me happy.
I tried to save my marriage.That didn't happen.You can't force them to stay.
Then I finally stopped focusing on him.Started to save myself.
I'm one of the lucky ones.I have no contact whatsoever with my x.I haven't seen him in what maybe 5 years.That why I was able to detach so easy.It was hard on the kids.But they are healing in their own way.
Later Friends
Briget
Briget, it is so true that is much much easier to detach when you have NO contact with them. I haven't had contact with mine in about 5 years either.
All this talk about GAL sometimes comes across to me as a competition..."what can I do to get attention" from the WAS/ex sort of thing. To me, getting a life meant doing what I wanted/had to do to be happy. It didn't come down to "I'll do this so I can get his attention" sort of thing. But I think I was pretty much done with him when the D was final since he did some pretty lousy and mean stuff. I figured why would I want to even be with someone who couldn't even show an ounce of niceness or respect to me?
The kids do deal with it in their own way. You just have to set some boundaries. Since mine were old enough to communicate with their dad on their own, that made it soooooo much simpler later.
Once I started to focus on myself my ex no longer mattered.
When I was worried that I didn't have as much as him.Whether it was money or love I felt like I was losing.BUT when I started to focus on myself that no longer mattered.I'm not keeping up with the Jones.It's the same thing.I'm not in a race to see who wins with the ex.
Now that I have done the work to make my life what I want it no longer matters what I think he has.In fact I'm not sure what he has.I don't care.
This is my life.I only have this one.Why would I worry about keeping up with him.
We win in the long run as long as we are doing what is right for us.
Later Friend
Briget
Hey Briget, thank you.
I have been struggling because xH and I have our work holiday parties on the same night. I *know* he is bringing someone to his, and I am not going to the adult party for my office. I actually am going to the kids party (we have an adult and a kids party on the same night for my office)with the girls instead. I have been sad because I am dateless (without H or anyone), but then I realized I will be *RIGHT* where I want to be, with the girls.
The rest can come later, when I am ready.
lwb,
Your welcome.This time of year is hard.I remember the pain.This is the time of year to focus on those you love and those who love you back.
Let him have his date.So what!! That may not be where your at right now.Love what you have.
Later Friend
Briget
When I was worried that I didn't have as much as him.Whether it was money or love I felt like I was losing.BUT when I started to focus on myself that no longer mattered.I'm not keeping up with the Jones.It's the same thing.I'm not in a race to see who wins with the ex.
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Very well said Brig!! You are so very right! I did the same at first I wanted to " show" ex, didnt work, I was miserable trying to put up a facade, when I stopped, things actually started to fall into place,- I have no idea what ex has and dosn't have right now and I honestly do not give a care, I do know I have what makes me happy, and I bet you agree, w/ have our childrens love and respect and ya cant beat that!
KarenMarieS,
I am going to be the master of the obvious here....
What many of us here WILL ALWAYS have is our character and integrity...
Can the spouse who has an A say this? Can a spouse who simply gives up say this?
I don't care how much money you have....... It is much easier to make money than to repair damaged character and integrity...
Take Care,
RMG
Hi Briget,
Just a quick couple of questions : how old are your children? How do you do the co-parenting thing with no contact? Would you mind sharing how you think it has affected the children and what you can do to help in that regard?
I'm asking because I would really love to go total no contact at times but not sure how to do it with a three year old or how it would impact my daughter.
Thanks, Scotsman
Scotsman,
I'm 44.
My kids are 23,22,20,19,14.
Each and every one of my kids have been thru hell in their own way.my ex walked away five years ago.Without a father I have had my kids suffer thru depression,drugs,one spent a year and a half in jail.
I hate to say it but I was not enough to keep my sons out of trouble.My ex didn't do his part.I was willing to coparent.but he just plain walked away.My kids haven't seen him in almost five years.They talk to him a few times a year.
You are the first example of what a man is to your daughter.Like it or not if you want your daughter to one day marry a good man then you have to be that example.If not then the media and the men your ex brings in and out of her life will be.
I don't think you can co parent without contact.I 'm sure it's easier.But damn it when it comes to kids you don't get to take the easy way out.
I hate that we are all in this.But well we are.So we suck it up and make it work the best we can.
I don't know your sitch.But you have a three year old daughter who has a daddy.Your the only one she has.So you gotta do it.Even if you don't like her mother right now.
Had I set aside my anger before my ex moved 2000 miles away maybe he would have been a better father.Though sometimes I doubt that.
Later Friend
Briget
RMG
obvious but oh so correct!!
I admire those who have to work w/ the ex in the co parenting arena! My S was 17 when ex left, so it was easier, hes 23 now and of course we dont need contact, S would like it but its not really necessary and he knows I tried to have a cordial R w/ his dad, dad wouldnt play nice - and i am glad of that!
It must be hard to co parent w/ little ones. You guys are great!
Very well put, Briget. You've become the matriarch of wisdom on this thread, especially with the departure of several longtimers.
Very solid view of the need to stay in our children's lives and to keep working on cooperative parenting, for the sake of our kids.
Some of the same DB techniques, but different motivations, hey?
Stay warm!
FL
Aren't I a tad to young to be a matriarch? I'm only 21 you know.LOL
OK so you just were able to buy your wine without a fake ID starting last week.
When I get carded it's to proove I get a senior citizen discount. Now the old guys can't get busted for buying you drinks.
They give senior discounts for wine? Wow I might just have to pony up my real age.Someday! LOL
I found my senior discounts for Burgendy wrapped around the coal I found in my stocking last year. Somebody referred it as a silver lining.
I will be 50 next month. Gosh it hurts to even type that number! All year long my H has been hinting at a great surprise I should be looking out for. Guess I just didn't realize it was going to come in the form of a bomb
If he could stop lying to me long enough to realize that I am ready to let him go, I would find it much easier to imagine co-parenting with him after this is all said and done.
NNP
Well we all know that you can't control what they do.But we can handle how we react to it.Not much else we can do.There gonna do what there gonna do.
Later Friend
Briget
You are so right, Briget. You were one of the very first people to post to me when I found this board 3-1/2 years ago.
It feels like a lifetime ago doesn't it.
Hi all,
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving.I'm using some down time to post it.
My S23 and his wife came down from North Carolina for the week.We have had a wonderful visit.I sure wish they would move back home.They have missed me.I know this because when we were in the store today my DIL kept pointing out things they talk about that reminds them of me.LOL I have had an impact on them.Hee Hee!!
D22 is getting huge.8 more weeks give or take til my grandbaby is here.She was dropped from medicade and her Dr.dropped her.So once a month she goes to the emergancy room to get checked out.She has no money to speak of.This sucks.But we have tried everything and that really is the best we can do.So far everything is ok.
S19 is doing good.With one nice big blip last night.He spent the night in what they used to call the drunk tank.He was at a friends house and had a lot to drink.Got picked up by the police.
He went before the judge this morning and was released after he pleaded guilty and paid a 250 fine.I got a call from the police at midnight.I asked them if he was hurt.When they told me he was fine I told the cop to tell him to have a good night.I would see him when his dumb ass got out.I do not bail my children out when they do something stupid.He knows that about me.Maybe he learned his lesson.I sure hope so.This is not like S19.He has a steady job,works and comes home after work and sleeps.
D14 is doing good for a moody 14 year old.
I know that this week sounds pretty well sucky.But concidering all that has happened just 4 years ago this was calm.
I have a new couch and loveseat.It is bone colored leather.I love it.My apartment feels like home.
I'm starting to get in the christmas mood.Thats awesome.I'm looking forward to it.
Well thats it.Not a perfect life.But it is getting better.
Later Friends
Briget
Hi Briget
Well was Santa good to you? My D14 spent 5 days at my luxerous RV and we had a good time.
Yes Santa was very good to me this year.
S23 suprised us by coming down from North Carolina with his wife.We had no idea he was coming.That was awesome.
S19 got me the complete set of Queen CD set.LOL
D14 was pretty well behaved.
And this is the most wonderful.D22 will be having her baby any day now.It could even be today.I'm so excited I could burst.I'm at the house waiting for word to mobilize the family.And doing laudry and cleaning so that I have a clean house to come home to.
So everyone say a prayer that she has a easy labor and delivery.And a healthy baby girl.That would be the best present in the world.
Hope all was just as wonderful with everyone.
Later Friends
Briget
Just testing to see if I can still use this
Hi Bridget
It's been so long. Not sure you remember me.
I'm still not divorced!
French Kitty