So here I am, finally, on Goals For Surviving.
Since coming to Surviving The Big D in January, slightly in advance of my Feb. 7 divorce, I've avoided the first 4 threads on this forum. Didn't even open or glance at them. I don't know why, really. Just more painful acknowlegement that I am, in fact, divorced?
Admitting I need to formulate and attain goals as I move forward alone felt foreign, frightening. And, I suppose it was the finality of facing that
I am alone that kept me from this thread. I did drop in on Rebound yesterday, though and stated my Rebound Avoidance Plan.
After 17 years of mostly "
our goals," I have to set
my goals. That alone is sobering and frightening.
Hold on, here: Aren't I supposed to be doing something else for somebody else? That's what I've always done!The first two are givens, so I'll list them but number my real goals beyond those two.
Sell and get out from under this house which has sucked me dry and into debt since X left.
Pay off all my debts after the sale.
Goals:1) Find a small rental cottage nearby and work one more season in this area.
2) Read and do some of the appropriate solo work in
The Divorce Remedy again
for me (like really GAL once I'm out of debt/no longer constantly broke), as well as
No More. Mr. Nice Guy,
The Journey From Abandonment To Healing, and
Getting Past Your Breakup. Out my entire reading backlog, these seem the most needed and relevant right now. Seligman and Snarch may well follow those.
2) Continue my two new habits of ensuring I spend at least 15 minutes per day in activities devoted to my Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual needs and development. Especially spiritual: continue to investigate and explore different Eastern Religions and secular groups with an emphasis on the many forms of meditation, mind-stilling, and acceptance.
3) Reach out, go out, speak out in ways I never could or would before.
4) While in the cottage (estimate: 6 months) research where
I want to go, what
I want to do.
I was raised and taught to do it all
by The Book. I
did it all
by The Book -
twice!: Was a loving, good and dutiful husband, father, brother, son, friend, employee, and neighbor, etc., for seventeen years.
That got me tot tossed by W#1.
Met the woman-of-my-dreams and did it all
by The Book again (though admittedly much, much happier): loving, good and dutiful husband, father, stepfather, brother, son, friend, employee, neighbor, etc. for seventeen years.
That got me tossed by W#2/WAW/Woman of my dreams.
Screw
The Book! I now plan to write my own. While in the cottage I plan on selling most of what's left of my possessions after D, save some personal treasures in storage, pack up my truck and
go. Possibly go to the pound first and pick up some dog who's "been tossed" himself. Go where? I don't know.
Camp my way cross-country. For many reasons not worth taking up space here, the Pacific Nortwest has been beckoning for some time now.
Along the way (or out of my way, as the case may be) I plan to look up and visit some of the DBers who've helped me maintain my sanity and perspective during the many times when I could not.
Do what, where, support yourself how? I don't know, yet, but I do know it will all work out and be fine.
I picture a small, green, progressive community, near the mountains or woods. Eugene, OR will be my first one "to try on for size."
A small rental place for Gardener. An enjoyable, modest job - or self-employment again.
People, activity, causes, and places to learn and enjoy. Not houses, enmeshments, and things and "stuff" to be had.
And some women
This two-time serial monogamist wants to meet, share with and enjoy more than one of God's most beautiful creatures. But no more marriage.
Ever. Gardener believe vows are sacrosanct, that however you word them, they come down to: "I will
never, ever give up on you."
I'm 0 for 2 in that department, too, have been summarily given up on twice, so I am done with marriage.
So, there it is: A few goals, but mostly a vision. A vision for chapter 3, for the twenty-five or thirty years I've got remaining.
Brought to you in the inimitable, verbose Gardener fashion.
)... I believe most women would find this priceless...