Last thread locked. They do so a lot slower these days, thankfully. I am tired of the "recovery" lifestyle, so I'm trying to post less.
I came home last night and in the true spirit of GAL went to a restaurant a block away, and spent $65 on ME. Pure and simple.
Have the day off today because of the Jewish New Year. To the gym and then on to PA to visit D16 who is at the eating disorder clinic.
That's my judgment free, victim free post for today.
FLTC, out.
Good to go. Hope she is doing well.
Sounds like a fantastic dinner and fun plans for today!!
I wish I got today off for Jewish New Year. Sheesh. LOL
I came home last night and in the true spirit of GAL went to a restaurant a block away, and spent $65 on ME. Pure and simple.
It sounds like things are moving in the right direction.
Way to go!
SG
I've taken myself out to eat a few times - its nice! I don't have to feel guilty about what I order, I read or write and listen to the background hum, I take my time, and there is always enough for lunch the next day (at least with these portions).
I'm settling into this new single thing, I think. T'aint so bad....
FL,
Your feelings are normal. Little things help us to get going with our lives, bur remember it will be 2 steps forward and one step back. Eventually we reach a destination. Whether or not it's a good destination is up to us. If we choose to make the rest of our lives good and happy, it will be so. If we choose to drown in our sorrow forever, it will be so. It seems to me that you have chosen the former.
Sometimes we need a good dinner (or in my case some new shoes, or clothes, or furniture, etc.). Sometimes we pamper ourselves just because we can. And should.
And yes, recovery is tiring. But surviving is not.
I hope your daughter is better. It was nice to read a victin-free post today.
Hey, if you're training my army of LBS's for my massive takeover of the Surviving forum, then you better shape up! Victim free posts, WTH is next...forgiveness? Stop yourself FLTC before it's too late. Think of my kingdom if you can't think about yourself.
Sincerely,
Your King
Btw, good job
You around, FLTC? I mean online right now?
Thanks, all. Trip, usually I post when I get up and drink that first Starbucks (I brew it myself; black...no Grande Treiente Vente Mocha).
Give me a time and I'll try to check back.
Visited D16. It went very well. I was glad to see her, but it's SO sad. She has progressed tot he highest level where she can get passes off the "reservation"; but she really knows how to play the game so that scares me.
I had to stop at old house to get some things to take to her. W put them out for me. I forgot the directions I printed from Google, so I had to use the computer, which made my stomach hurt because I knew it would just make W. so tense. I was correct, at least in MY opinion. I could feel the tension in the air as I sat there. As I left, W. walked upstairs. I said "Thanks, see you later", and wsa greeted with.....silence. I don't get any of it. She's having a full blown affiar, I try to be humane, and she can't tolerate 5 minutes of me being on the computer. (?) Whatever.
wii: No buyouts for you, so when you take over the board, just remember: YoYo; you're on your own.
Reading your posts brings me back to a very dark time. You are doing good. The high road is cold and not fun but in the long run it's the best road.
SO glad you got to see your D16. I bet she was happy to see a friendly face!
And know that your W needs to act like this to hide from her own guilt. It has nothing to do with you. You are just giving her the space to be stuck alone with herself - her favorite punching bag is gone.
Maybe we should get her together with my x....
I wonder if she would throw the rest of my stuff from the house into your pool so your XH could bury it :-)
Or we can just use it for our own purposes....we can throw them and the OP into it, then bury it!
But then my water would be REALLY bad....
FLTC, did you call me a Yo Yo? That's it, you are relieved of your command. I'm going over to Newcomers and recruit a military man there to lead my troops, those new guys are still real bitter and angry, just what I'm looking for. You'll be sorry one day when I take your thread away from you, you had your chance Pal.
Have a great day, despite losing your rank!
Wii
That is the most interesting way to agree with someone I have read in a long time. I think.
FLTC you are demoted to O6. Now you have to sit behind a desk all the time unless you are a former OIF CG and I'll tell you that story offline sometime. You'd been proud.
No_hill, thanks...I think. Hey, are you lookin' to lead an army of devestated LBSers who have nothing left to lose? I could use a good loyal subject such as yourself to be involved in my diabolical coup that will change the Surviving forum forever. How's a forum named after you sound? I'm big on rewarding loyalty! Think about it.
wii,
You're sounding like Al Haig. " As for now, I'm in charge here".
Here's an intestind dilemma: After 4 weekends of Reserves and my civilain job and having to remove my money from the savings account with the Army, I now have $11,000 in my savings account. The bad news is, we begin to discus the financial part of the divorce next week. Should I buy a new car, or eat $50 filet mignon every night of the week? Man I hate to pay that shrew!
Invest in the next bank failure.
Ladies and Gentlemen place your bets
Wii
Please do not name anything after me. It will loose money, fame, and members. However If you do prepare to invest lawyers, guns, and money.
Pre-pay D18's college...?
Put it in a college savings plan for S?
I would stuff it in my mattress at this point. Could do a lot worse.
Barb
Actually cash at this point is king.
You may loose 1 to 2 % in inflation but overall there is no risk.
We are talking about dead presidents with an improper id.
Wii
Please do not name anything after me. It will loose money, fame, and members. However If you do prepare to invest lawyers, guns, and money.
No hill, don't make this so complicated, I just wanna take over the Surviving forum so I can score some cheap, meaningless sex with a few babes. I'm not in it for the money, so lighten up big guy
Hmm, the matress sounds the best. Can I get away with it? Hiding assets pis&es off the judge, but I'm sure she has done it for the last 5 years!
I have a phone conference with D16's therapist and W, this afternoon, and I'm DREADING it. The theme, I think, will be "communicating" with each other. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of trying to "communicate" with someone who is neer wrong, or humane in most "communication". See the psot from Tuesday regarding printing directions to D16's residential center. Ughhhhh. Off to the gym... Hooah..Git some!
I'm sending "calming vibes" for the phone conference!!!!
Thanks, Mattie. Hope they reach me. I just sent another $2000 payment to her. It gauls me. Child support will give her far less per month, but continue on course.....
If you have a pic of your W anywhere, take it out, put an overhead transparency over it and doodle a mustache, horns, etc. on it while you are on the phone.
Or use a squeeze ball?
Keep your hands busy....
breathe (did you help with lamaze?)
I kept a pic of the kids out at mediation sessions, so I could refocus on what was most important....
I'll send some calming vibes your way, too.
Can you stop on the way home from work and get a massage?
(oh, btw, working on your pic...how can I get it to you?)
Wow. Thanks for the painting Donna. You are awesome. Hmmm> I have to think of a way for you to get it to me. I'm pretty sure we can't overtly contact each other on the bb, and I don't want to post my address or work address. hmmmm? Any ideas, Survivors?
A lot of the people from the BB have Facebook me thinks.
Hey F
Qoe100, ya know Jill wanted me to write you
she said you can find her email from someone
shes on facebook and my space, andddd she has an email addy, her screen name here and a very popular web site, very popular , apple pie and hot dogs and a baseball game on a summer day.
Take Care
Karen,
I haven't been able to break the code on the email part!
If you wanted to join facebook, kalni sunshine would be an easy one to find. And then through her, a lot of others.
hahaha darn
you dont have Bethie or Barb or C2 email?
think of the dot coms , t his is the most popular , reminds me of the country we live in lol
and well her name is the same, she dosnt have much of an imagination ya know.
FL,
I don't even pretend to know what's law in your state, but didn't you once say you'd retained someone? It might be a good idea to ask about dates. The paperwork I had to fill out revolved around a certain date - and that was the date of separation in my case. I know each state varies, but it might be something you could look up on the internet.
I hear AOL has lots of good sites to look that up on. It's worth a shot.
Hey FLTC,
I'm going to make it to those 10,000 posts one way or another! LOL!
The mattress is the place to be. Isn't that a guy thing. Like in the Godfather "Going to the Mattresses". Hmmm????
I already got in trouble for posting my email address but the first part of it would be my former DB name (read my thread) and its at that hot place. Get through to me and I can put you in touch with others. Give it a shot.
Hope all went well with the phone conversation. And mostly I hope your d is doing well.
Barb
I spent a year in Iraq as the intelligence officer for a one-star general, but this sh&t just eludes me. I should be able to pick out clues, trails, whatever, but MySpace, Facebook? Like tatoos, just skipped a generation. One of my good friend in Iraq had pages on both of these, and had women in holding patterns waiting for him when he came back to the States.
Trying to give me clues how to find people on MySpace/Facebook is like trying to break the enigma machine code in WWII:
The chair is against the wall.
John has a long mustache.
My suggestion was not Face Book. It was email. You can do it.
Barb
You don't know me, yet? Bet you do...
Danbury magnet.
I guess I'd make a pretty good intelligence officer, since I know you....want a quick message in the morning?
You're all frightening me........ Donna...send it.
Well, immediately after checking this board last night, I got an email from W. saying she is changing attorneys, her actual word was "retained"...love it!
She was originally using a lawyer from the firm where she works. (It WASN'T the attorney who's USING HER). From the start, this had a certain odor to it, and I couldn't believe they allowed her to even think of using one of their attorneys.
The phone conference with her re: "co-parenting" (I HATE all this divorce vernacular, it's like "your father" rather that "Dad" Yech!!!) was tense. She told how tired she was of dealing with D16 "all alone", and how I was not forcefull enough in insisting D16 spend time with me when she didn't want to. The therapist thought I should insist that D16 spend more time with me, so that the "current caregiver" could get a break.
Maybe some validity to that D16 said she didn't like to eat around me for whatever reason, but last Tuesday, she told her therapist we had a good time, which we did, so this may ease that transition when she comes home.
If the "current caregiver" didn't need to be "happy" this would not be an issue...Oops. Was I cynical..again?
Hi FLTC. I would think a judge (and therapist) would believe your D16 should be able to pick where she wants to stay. It seems like the therapist is "taking care of" your wife instead of daughter. Very confusing!!! I would like the therapist to talk to my ex.....I could use a break, too!
A little cynical, but makes sense...
I co-parent via email only. No more verbal abuse, and my life is better for it.
Check your email.
If you were to DB D16 a little....has she said why she doesn't like eating around you? What little things do you think might make her more comfortable (other than getting her malnutrition & hormones taken care of lol)?
Very positive that she had a good time with you the last time though!
Of course she doesn't want to eat around you - she has an eating disorder! If she eats in front of you, her aberrant eating patterns - or lack of eating altogether - becomes apparent.
If she eats in front of W instead of you,. it my be because she can pull the wool over W's eyes more easily - hiding food on her plate, going into the kitchen to "get something" and spitting out a mouthful of food in the sink, etc. etc.
I had the best luck with my D's refeeding by employing a few tricks:
- eating out in restaurants. I know many anorexics are too self-conscious to do this, but my D wasn't. Restaurants are DESIGNED to make you overeat - lighting, colors,etc.
- distraction during meals - by keeping dinner-table conversation lively, D didn't feel like she was under a microscope with us staring at every bite (although I did watch very surreptitiously). D would also be distracted and not realize how much she was eating.
- putting food in serving bowls instead of portions on plates. If you take "just a little" from a serving bowl, eat it, then get some more - you have no idea at the end of the meal how much you've eaten. If you're served a big plate, the anorexic will start to panic once they see they've eaten half, or whatever.
Note - all these tips are for anorexics who are restricting their calories. Pure bulimics, who overeat and purge but do not restrict, would require different tools.
Ellie
Wow! That's some very insightful and helpful stuff! I never would have ever thought of the serving bowl thing in a hundred years!
Thanks, Ellie. I like the restaurant thing. I may employ this one because she has now become anorexic, having traded up from bulimia.
You lawyas have such good suggestions about this, and make me feel far less to blame for the situation, although I continue to be hard on myself.
How about going to a place where the servings are smaller and more emphasis is on the food itself? We like things in bulk on this side of the pond whereas quality seems to hold more sway over in the mother country.
Even though the eating disorder is the extreme dangerous end if one could eventually get a person to restrict the calorie intake to less than an average American they would be far ahead of the game through their life. We eat like we are out working the fields as in the 1800s.
I know little on eating disorders so take this advice in context.
Thanks, Hill. Always appreciated. Took my Army physical fitness test yesterday. Best results in years. Finished my two mile run, and doubled back to run with the 26 year old stragglers!!!! I guess some of my GAL in the gym at 530 AM has been beneficial. Went out to eat at some nice places near my duty station. A 3 day "MANcation".
S10 has a hockey tournament in NY in January. It costs roughly $1000 extra! He loves the game and is really good at it, so "no" is not an option. Spoke with W. on Friday and asked her if she would pay half.
She statred out with her fvorite phrase "Quite frankly", so I knew where it was going.
She then went on to quickly tell me how when I came home from Iraq on leave and took my kids to FL, that it cost her $5000 she didn't have.
D18 was in an alternative school at that time to the tune of $7000(!) per month or at least that's what W. told me it costs. I was going into the eye of "the surge" in Iraq, and could not have cared any less about my bank account at that time. As you recall, I sent her $10,000 a month until you guys made me wise up and save for ME.
I Told her I sent her $10 a month. She proceeded to launch into her monthly expenses and what it costs, and the 10K wasn't really 10 because of daughter's school.........Maybe all true.
I just stopped her and sadi "I got it". She continued to go on and on. I said "I don't want to argue. I got it"
Bottom line, I'll write the check. I have the money right now, it's about my son, so who cares.
Great job on your fitness test, FLTC!
Hopefully the mediator can help you with a plan for future money issues!!!! It's still a big issue for me! I don't always feel I need to pay half since my ex's salary is 4x mine. He doesn't feel he needs to pay for anything extra since I get child support.
Keep track of your expenses!
Great job on your fitness test, FLTC!
Hopefully the mediator can help you with a plan for future money issues!!!! It's still a big issue for me! I don't always feel I need to pay half since my ex's salary is 4x mine. He doesn't feel he needs to pay for anything extra since I get child support.
Keep track of your expenses!
I am in the same boat Matilda. If I ask X about anything he says "that is what child support is for." Actually, child support is based on the child's basic living expenses, not extras. I asked for extracurricular costs to be split but my X refused. And I was asking it to be a 50/50 split even though he makes more than twice what I do and is remarried so is sharing living expenses. But he refuses to contribute anything but the absolute minimum for the kids, then bitches that he doesn't have enough clothes at his house for the kids, I should be providing them. Ugh, how many more years of this will I have to endure?!
FLTC, you are a great dad.....just keep doing what you are doing, your kids will thank you for it.
Thanks, Mattie and BND (Welcome back, Suzy!)
As I sit here now, I am starting to feel the results of the fitness test. A good soreness!
I will continue to do extra Army weekends if I need to to get my kids what they need AND want, as much as I can. I spent $100 on a new hockey helmet last weekend, got him a haircut to match mine (!) and bought him new socks, because he goes through them like any athletic, constantly moving 10 year old. He had on one black sock and one ratty white sock. WTF?
Although child support IS for just the basics, I'm sure W. has a coniving plan to get FAR more than that.
I am also feeling that good sore today lol. I definitely know I worked hard yesterday! What was your score?
My son played hockey for a while and seemed to enjoy. My X wasn't behind it because it was not a sport that he knew or could help him with. He is no longer playing due to lack of support from the X and the financial hardship it would have been, that really is an expensive sport!!! But I really enjoyed watching him play, and going ice skating with him occasionally.
Michelle: 277; Suzy, If I have to get a job pushing shopping carts, I'll find the money for him to play hockey.
Did you get my latest communique?
Congrats!
There are definitely times I am glad I don't have kids. It's made this whole mess slightly simpler.
I am sure you will find a way to make it happen though.
I'm not quite sure why I come here every morning. It's now 445AM! Maybe because mornings are the worst. Financial mediation begins on Monday. I'm just honestly filling out my financial affidavit. Period. I'm sure with smarmylawyerbossaffairman, she's managed to hide a lot. Yes, it can be done. I really don't even care. I'm numb to all of this. (Not apathetic, just numb)
Part of the single life is not bad. I never have to worry about walking on eggshells, hoping I've broken the code for that particular moment, so as not to be critiqued or worse. It is a small tradeoff for the loss of a whole family, and the loss of an intact family for my kids. Blah, blah...you've heard it all before..........
Life is actually calmer...(?) I'm not doing any yard work. No leaf raking. I don't lift a finger to fix the basement door to the kitchen, where she punched the panel out LAST MARCH to get in the house after she locked herslef out. 5 years agao it would have been fixed the next day. Oh well. Clean my apartment once a week. I just hold my breath any time her number comes up on the cell phone.
Ok..enuf!!!!
Not a big deal, but it felt like a semi-punch in the stomach. S10 as you know loves hoceky and is good at it. He's on the top level team, but is starting to hate it because his coach is a "screamer". He broke down and cried last night with W.
She is going to call one of the other coaches and see if he can help out here.
During our phone call, she proceeded to tell me how hard it's been on S10 "with Iraq and the DIVORCE".
It's amazing how clinical those who have totally rejected us can be. If your're so concerned about S10, why go through a DIVORCE.
Rambling.....................
Well, at least she finally realized that her choices have had consequences. Has S10 gone to see someone (I know that you are not in love with ICs). You might suggest that she and S also line up a family C at this point, seeing that so much is happening in your family. Maybe she will have a little light shined on herself...
But it could help with your S. I hate to read the thing about the screaming - I don't believe that is necessary with any student athlete, let alone those so young. It sounds like there is a league - can you get in touch with someone at that level, so it doesn't get back to the specific coach? It might be a good idea to have someone at the league level go and observe how the coach acts....
Heh. Sounds like she's finally starting to see maybe there are consequences. Who knows what that means, but I guess it's a good thing.
Hopefully something can be done with the coach.
FL, you have to stop thinking in those terms. She wants it and it needs to be done, so she doesn't think the way you do. So it's nev er going to be a reasonable conversation.
Why don't YOU call the coach? You're home now. You're a man and probably more into hockey than she is. So offer to take that challenge. Offer to ask so you don't have to go through her - she would have to find out from you. Plus that's a thing close to your heart and you getting involved is a very thing, or would be.
I have 3 boys FL. And boys do cry. As long as we let them be human and allow them to, then they will be good strong humans in the end. But we can never bring it up a 2nd time and we can only remember those times in our hearts. See, being the mom of boys did teach me something.
Yuck, I am so glad I no longer have to worry about youth coaches. So many are not there for the right reasons. But to our kids, it's the only thing that matters in life, this I know. My boys were into baseball. So I know where you are.
It IS amazing what the WA's think FL. But it doesn't matter. Your kids need you. Just be there.
FLTC, I remember when my D14 was having school problems a few months after W and I separated. W denied that our separation had anything to do with the problem, "she's just lazy" was W's analysis. Anytime I suggested otherwise I was told "don't psychologize everything" Well, one night I blew during a discussion re D's school difficulties. I told her I was "damn sick and tired" of her acting as thought the separation had no effect on anyone in the family. I said "This family has been through Hell and it's damn time you actually acknowledged that fact" She cried and hung up on me. So, FLTC, I know it's hard but be thankful that she actually has some awareness, it's something anyway!
Thanks, all, as usual.
I had a good talk with S10 yesterday. I basically told him that he worked so hard to make the top team, and the coach actually selected him, and no one should be allowed to take that away from him. He made the team by hard work and talent. He seemed to really respond to that. I asked him how he would feel if he went down a level and saw his old team mates playing together. He told me that he would probably feel he made the wrong choice, and went on to have a great practice. We'll see. The parents were actually laughing about the coach being tossed from the game. Time for these guys to go to Iraq for a year so that they can see what's important.
wii; W. used to chalk up S10 crying to "he's tired", so she can see it now, but has to throw in the "Iraq" card as well. I'm sure that was an issue, but......
On a good note, D18 SEEMS to be thriving at college. She got a 90 on her bio test. Only 1 of 6 kids to get a 90 or higher. She wants to come home this weekend, and asked W. if she could stay with her. W. responded she'd have to think about it, because D18 was asked to leave the house because of her "dishonesty". W. said to me that she doesn't want her in the house if it's just to "come home for social interactions". It NEVER ends between these two. Let her come home, give her a curfew and be quiet...ugh.
FLTC
So your stbx wife doesn't want you daughter to come visit, if it is for social interactions?
Isn't that what college kids do?
Better yet, why doesn't your daughter stay with you?
After all your stbx wife has already asked her to leave the house.
It is going to be you to save these kids.
Your stbx wife is not living in the real world.
Her life is about what she wants and to heck with everyone else, including the kids she had.
Step up to the plate Dad. Let your kids know that your home is a safe haven for them.
Take Care
What a sad thing; I can imagine being a college student, finally doing well in school and proud of the accomplishment, calling Mom and asking if I could come for a visit - and being told she'd have to think about it.
As a matter of fact, I might have assumed that I was welcomed...glad your D had the foresight to check first. What a welcome home that would have been!
REWARD good behavior, dumba$$!!!!
Sorry....
as for S crying....my S was always sensitive, would cry a lot. I remember getting worried about him, just around your son's age. Would he always be like this? Would kids start calling him a crybaby? His dad would get angry at the tears...
I have to say, he has grown out of it for the most part. Recently, probably over last year and this. I hadn't even thought about it until just now...now, he seems to cry over things that are really sad, rather than frustration. I just kept up with him, telling him to use words and other ways to express himself when he was frustrated, disappointed, angry...and pointed out when tears were appropriate because of sadness. (Unfortunately, he had a lot of practice in experiencing the difference).
Thanks, Pammie and Donna. Welcome back Pammie!! I would think that for 2 days, W. could say, sure come home, but don't roll in at 2AM after being out all night. Period. No. It has to be "It's about her not being honest with me, and never having been honest with me, and I need to see some growth in that area." Chu Hoi. Don't Shoot! I give up!
The fact that D18 even thought about going back home is a big deal. Even though it's for social convenience, because I live two towns away from her friends and won't play taxi.
D16 will probably be released from clinic on Monday. Her therapist thinks W. and I should meet before D16 comes home for a plan. I am SO TIRED of therapists of all kinds.................
Congrats to your daughter! That's totally awesome!
And why else would she come home except to visit????? Oh wait, and do laundry! LMAO
Furthermore, if she doesn't let her stay at the house for the weekend, how is she going to see if she has grown in the honesty area?
Anyways, that's probably not productive lol.
I'm glad your son had a good practice!
Glad D16 will be released, I hope she can really make some progress when she comes home.
Thanks, Michelle.
D16's insurance coverage expires today. The clinic is trying to appeal. W. volunteers that WE will pay out of pocket for the remaining 5 days until she is discharged.
I KNOW D16 has to be priority one, but with 10K in mediation charges, and a pending financial storm, it just makes me so angry that she "has to" proceed on course. Just venting!!! Take it easy on me!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know how I feel about this. Why she can't be discharged tomorrow is beyond me, rather than 5 days from now. She will go back to the out-patient clinic.
Your W really doesn't deal well with spontaneity / changes / unexpected things does she?
I wonder why she is so scared when things don't go according to her plan...
I hope that you have a good visit with D18, and that you get to spend some time with her, if no more than the car ride. They talk a lot in the car, don't they?
Are you picking up D16, too? I hope that they are keeping her the 5 days to finish the program, not just for the holiday weekend...
It seems like such a short stay for something that is so deeply set - what is the difference between there and out-patient?
Do you have to work on Fri? I do - stinks, cause the kids have off from now thru Mon. They'll come to work with me.
Donna, no Friday off either. Oh well, it's better than Iraq; no days off! Michelle: She does not flex very well. She always accused me of being inflexible. Hmmmm.
Property Mediation on Monday, the day after our 22nd anniversary. Very sad, but I've come so far, it's just another punch in the stomach that doesn't even register any more. Got a letter from my attorney with a copy of a letter from her attorney talking about "a petition to seek dissoution of the marriage".22 years, and it comes down to this. His letteer did talk about "a retainer". Strange as I told you he said he wouldn't charge me for represenation unless it got out of hand, because of my service in Iraq. Get S10 tonight and all weekend!
MUSING/RAMBLING: She really never got over me going away to an Army school while she was in the hospital for reconsructive mouth surgey from childhood cancer. She now smokes again. Great move.
She did not do well in the hospital sa you may recall. As she puts it "You went off and left me to die"> I do think guys may look at this differently. If I was in the hospital, I would have said "Do what you need to do. I'm fine". Venus/Mars...Uranus?
Sometimes people project their own faults onto others. Sounds like she is doing that. And perhaps also justifying it to herself by wanting you to do it her way and when you don't it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course, since it's a moving target, there's no way it won't be fulfilled LOL.
The thing in the letter might just be a formality as long as it doesn't specify what the retainer is. For contracts to be valid, there has to be something given in return (called consideration). It can be $1 in most cases if that's what the parties agree to. In your L's case, it was free for your service, so that's your retainer. I hope that's not too much legalese and makes sense lol.
ROTF LMAO Something like that! LOL
Michlle, Thanks! Liked thE planetery reference, eh? Let's hope that that's what it is. I appreciate the interpretation. I'll find out today.
Well, here's the 155mm artilery round IED of the day: D16's therapist asked W. and I to come to the office to discuss the logisitcs of D16 coming home.
2 issues:
Therapist asks us to talk to each other. I start by telling W. I'll be getting D16. SHe responds by saying: "That's good. She needs to spend time with you". Therapist zeroed right in on that and told her she was too judgemental, and if I heard it, D16 probably does too. w. SITS THERE INCREDULOUS? BINGO! I told her this 8 years ago, to which she responded: "So, I'm a shi^^y mother?"
Therapist asked if she could ever conceive of being a friend to me. She responded: "No, never". ?????? I must have hurt her so bad, or she is just nuts as some of you have told me outright. I had no affiar, lost no money gambling, did not molest a child, but "I left her to die in the hospital in 1994" and went to an Army school and had an affair. I related this to you about how a fellow captain at the time kissed me on the cheek for advice I gave her about STAYING AWAY from another married captain in the course. She's abondoneding me, bouncing around with her boss, and I said Yes, I can be your friend someday.
THAT WAS NOT THE SHOWSTOPPER HOWEVER. We started to talk about D18's role in D16's battle with food. D18 was HORRIBLE to D16. Called her a cow, fat as&..you get it.
W. let it slip that D18 was pregnant in 07 and "lost" the baby. I told you how out of control D18 was. I replied WHAT? Therapist asked W. "Didn't you tell him? (Iwas away in PA training for deployment. W. responded "It wasn't my place to tell him" and then looks at me, being once of the smartest women in the world and stated "I thought you knew". She then proceeded to tell me that how in counseling, D18 had admitted giving sexual favors for drugs 2 to 3 years ago before we pulled her out of school and shipped her off.
NOW she won't let D18 come home, unless "she tells W. what she will do to be more honest with her".
She's on MY couch right now.
HOW DO I UNSCREW THIS?
HOW'S THAT FOR A DAY?
I don't really know FL. Can it be unscrewed? Maybe not, but it can be made better. I remember talking to my boys when they were angry with their dad. What I wanted to do was say, yep, he IS an a$$, but I didn't. I know she's nutty right now, but it seems to me that your W is asking for her daughter to show some respect that's been lacking. And I don't honestly see anything wrong with that. It's a little late, but better late than never. So, have a talk with your daughter. You're paying the bills no matter how old she is. Ask her to sit down with her mother and show her some respect. If it doesn't work, at least you would have tried. Can't hurt.
Pretty rough FL, but it's over now.
As far as your W telling the therapist that she could never be your friend, it's her loss FL. Be the better person here because she evidently cannot.
Morning FLTC!
Yep, that was a rough day. But I've had worse. Like watching my 4 year old in a coma! Having my H arrested for DUI and learning about his affair. Not great days!
As I see it - your family has a history of problems that will not be resolved in a day. But it does no good to get into "he said, she said, he did, she did" now. You can only do your best for your children TODAY. You only have to live one day at a time. So be the best dad you can TODAY!
If that means letting your D sleep on your couch because she's not welcome at her mother's place - then so be it. Good for you for providing. Telling her what you think of her mother is NOT good. Listening to the C and NOT getting into past issues is good. We can all learn from our mistakes and trust me - none of us is without any.
Let go of the anger. It is apparent in everything you write. I can SO relate because it took me so very long to do so. And I still get angry with my ex at times. But what good does it do? I ended up in hospital a year ago with extremely high blood pressure and he didn't even know.
No child wants to hear how bad their parent is. I had to learn that do because I was good at "daddy bashing". But the kids didn't choose their parents. And they want to love them both.
Focus less on what it all costs and more on how much you enjoy them. It all goes by quickly and you don't get a "Do Over". Ask yourself what you can do TODAY to be a dad the kids can be proud of.
I know you come here to vent - we all do. But try to keep your anger under control around your family.
Not meant to lecture, meant to help. Hope you take it that way and can make a difference.
Barb
Barb/Happy:
I agree that D18 should start to pull in her horns at this point and show some remorse for wht she put everyone through. Yes, enough blame to go around, but she is now 18 and is having college paid for. She also needs to show some reflection about how her behavior contributed to the explosion of her relationship with her mother.
Barb: I am only angry here on the board, and it is just that. venting. I never bad-mouth W. in front of any of the kids, and have encouraged D18 to continue to try to make it right with her mother. I never badmouth her in front of the kids. That's wrong.
I can imagine, however, if I found out that D18 was pregnant and two years later told my W. "I didn't think it was my place to tell you". Any idea of how that would have played out?
Wow.
That's a lot to have dropped on you in a day.
Total insanity.
I am glad D18 does have a place to stay. I am so happy your kids have you through all of this.
F--
That clearly shows how disfunctional the communication has been between the two of you. I don't know how I would have controlled myself in that sitch. What did the IC say to that revelation?
If nothing else, does it help give you a bit of closure on the M...? For all the terrible costs and heartache of the divorce, would you really want to stay connected with a person who thought that this was a good dynamic for partners? I cannot fathom keeping something so vital from another parent...
For my own sitch, I think I have come to the conclusion that, in spite of my deep desire to keep the M together, there have become such huge differences in maturity, communication skills and perceptions that I just don't think it is possible, anymore. Maybe someday he will catch up, learn what I have learned...maybe not. But being in such different places, and one not having the drive to do the work, makes the apartness inevitable.
I know that I am deeply disappointed...
Donna,
Thanks, so much. I am not particularly complicated. I have two pretty good jobs where I am pretyy successful, but the fact that I didn't care about finances and let W. manage them drove her nuts. She always accused me of "Not taking the initiative", but when I did, I needed to show a 15-point plan that she could "line-item veto". When I tried to be the "Alpha Male" at home, as David Cunningham calls it, I was met with resistance, criticism, anger, so it was no win. I think it boils down to a total lack of confidence in herslef. Before we met, she had ended a college romance where her boyfriend slept with every one of her friends. She never got over that. Threw all of his stuff out of his dorm window.
I do share a lot of blame. Period. The difference is that when she told me stuff bothered her, I changed it. She was never reflective for one second, and continues no to be.
Even with the recent "Parenting Plan" (Yuck!) devised by the mediator, I pointed out a spelling error. She has about two pages of corrections. I'm not a lazy person, but I really am content to livelife as long as I have a roof over my head, food, a car and a gymnasium. Pretty simple. Having sex before I die might be a good addition as well.
Today is (would have been?) our 22nd anniversary. Hockey game this AM, football game this afternoon....keep moving.......................
FLTC, glad you have things to do with your children to keep you busy and not think too much aobut your anniversary. When my anniversary came around I wondered whether to acknowledge it or not. It's hard to pretend it doesn't exist.
(((FLTC)))
(((FLTC)))
Yeah, anniversaries kinda suck lol. It will always be the anniversary of one of the most special days of your life, but it doesn't have nearly the same meaning anymore. I found it impossible not to acknowledge in some way, at least to myself, but obviously didn't say or do anything with H.
I am glad you have things to keep you busy. Distractions are good.
FLTC, you wrote on my thread
"To me, I think I was oblivous to a lot of things that made her angry. I never gave a though to "the kids should go to the dentist", maybe we should re-finance the mortgage, gee, the car needs to be replaced.
Not that I didn't care, but these things never seemed to be on my radar scope. They STILL aren't to a large degree. Not cuz I don't care, but I'm plotting my next workday, the next hockey game, the next call to my daughter. A lot of pucks get by me in life. She felt so put upon. Maybe rightly so, I don't know.
She felt if she didn't do a lot of stuff, it wouldn't get done. Not that I wouldn't do it if asked. She freely admits that. I guess it's like "Gee, the cure for cancer shoud be so obvious", but stuff really gets by me. If I'm reminded of it, I do it, but not recognizing it in the first place ripped her. I don't know how to get color on a black and white TV, so I would NEVER probably see the things she wanted me to."
I think your W probably felt that she was the lone adult in the house, the only responsible one. While she was handling all the day to day tasks she saw you as being out playing soldier or indulging in whatever other interests you had. She began to resent the hell out of you for it. Women don't like to hear "I would have if you'd asked me", they like to feel that you KNOW what needs to be done and are there to do it without being asked. I can remember my W used to say "Goodnight, I'm going upstairs now" and I was supposed to KNOW that she wanted to get laid! I'd say "I'll be up shortly", having no idea what she wanted, and continue watching the ballgame or whatever else I was doing. She would lie in bed fuming because I wasn't up there boffing her brains out. When I said "why didn't you tell me" she said "I did, when I said I'm going to bed now "
My point is, saying "I would have if..." just don't cut it! Women don't want to have to ask, right or wrong as that is.
I think that's it. She felt like th lone adult in the house. That being said, I don't believe I'm the only guy in the world who is that way, but who knows.
I Posted this on wii's thread, and i think his response to me is really at the crux of the issue, not tha it matters any more, but I still can't beleive I'm 100% responsible for this. I am not a mind reader. Enough
To me, I think I was oblivous to a lot of things that made her angry. I never gave a though to "the kids should go to the dentist", maybe we should re-finance the mortgage, gee, the car needs to be replaced.
Not that I didn't care, but these things never seemed to be on my radar scope. They STILL aren't to a large degree. Not cuz I don't care, but I'm plotting my next workday, the next hockey game, the next call to my daughter. A lot of pucks get by me in life. She felt so put upon. Maybe rightly so, I don't know.
She felt if she didn't do a lot of stuff, it wouldn't get done. Not that I wouldn't do it if asked. She freely admits that. I guess it's like "Gee, the cure for cancer shoud be so obvious", but stuff really gets by me. If I'm reminded of it, I do it, but not recognizing it in the first place ripped her. I don't know how to get color on a black and white TV, so I would NEVER probably see the things she wanted me to.
Not many people I know passed Mind Reading 101! Maybe there should be a requirement for a major in communication before anyone is allowed to get married.
I have a question that doesn't really matter now either, but were you in the Army when you got married? I wonder if your wife ever really accepted that as a "good" career for you.
The important question is how do we move on and stop worrying about the things we can't change?????
Yes, Mattie, I was. The last two posts are really the crux of my blame in the demise of my marriage. it took a while for me to put his into words. My W. did get frustrated, and rightfully so, but it wasn't me digging me heels in, it is just that in certain ways, I have NO peripheral vision: Gee, s10's teeth are really crooked. He needs to see an orthodondist. Right by me. Ball 4.
FLCT: We are all partially responsible for what went wrong. I think I didn't value my ex enough. The points that you and wii make are also important.
I see myself somewhat in your wife's shoes. I handled EVERYTHING to do with daily life with the kids - hospitals, appointments etc despite the fact I was NOT a stay at home mom but ran a fulltime business. He came home and often vegged in front of the tv. He would have been happy to have me bring his dinner tot he couch so he could stay there. But he did eat with us at my insistence.
My point? Yes, there is one. If someone is unhappy in their M and feels they are shouldering the burden and all the reponsibility (my C pointed out to H and I that this was me) - they need to speak up. If one person feels they are neglected and the other spends too much time with the kids or work or other (my H felt this way) - they also need to speak up.
We all have disappointment and disillusionment in our Ms at times. Some moreso than others. But if you don't communicate it and you don't do something about it - then you can't expect to have it fixed. And yes - no one is a mindreader despite the fact we want the other person to be.
OK, having said all that, it does not give the person the right to cheat. To lie. To not try to fix things.
I was disillusioned in my M but would NEVER have left or cheated. I tried to make things better. H was obviously disillusioned in our M too but never told me
Barb
I think your W probably felt that she was the lone adult in the house, the only responsible one. While she was handling all the day to day tasks she saw you as being out playing soldier or indulging in whatever other interests you had. She began to resent the hell out of you for it. Women don't like to hear "I would have if you'd asked me", they like to feel that you KNOW what needs to be done and are there to do it without being asked.
Been there done that. need to sell Tshirts to fund stock purchase when the DOW drops to 6K however this quote is right on the mark.
I'm not a lazy person, but I really am content to livelife as long as I have a roof over my head, food, a car and a gymnasium. Pretty simple. Having sex before I die might be a good addition as well.
Look up Earl Butz's quote former Ag Secretary to Gerald Ford. It's racist but when I heard it I said "ME TOO". The quote got him fired but I believe cause he did not state 90% of the Male population instead of 5% of the population he generalized. Blacks were about 10% of the US population at the time but they did not hold exclusive rights to Secretary Butz's quote and many of them did not fit into it. But I did and it sounds like you do also.
I believe you are starting to get it. What are you going to do when you emerge from this storm so you will not repeat the big mistakes?
Hill,
I was going to ask you to look at my post. I think you also said behavior like mine wsa the crux of your situation too.
I guess I'm a not a bad guy who was not such a good "partner". I guess this is what she's said before, but looking at her schizo behavior, there's enough blame for her as well, I guess. Just like Barbie, as unhappy as I was, I wouldn't have walked out, no matter what.
FL,
I understand that we men need to be better listeners and if you can take this away from the sitch, then I am sure you will be a better person and partner for it.
HOWEVER, this is a two way street. Your W could have grabbed a copy of DR, Men are from Mars, or any other of a million books on the topic and changed her communication style to better reach you. Instead, she decided to basically give up. This is NOT your fault!
I guess what I am trying to say is, don't focus on this too much. It is one point you can work on, but in the end, you are who you are. It's unlikely that you will want to or be able to re-wire your brain entirely!
Take care, SD
FLTC, the nice thing about M failure is that there is always enough blame to go around! M's fall into patterns, yours was that W did all the day to day organizing etc and you did...whatever you did! I'm sure you did things for the family. Barb is certainly right when she says that a partner must tell the other if unhappy, not just expect the other to KNOW! We learn from our mistakes, sure you made some like all of us, but the key is what do we do with them. Do we learn from it and hone our skills for our next partner or do we beat the crap out of ourselves for our all too human behaviour. I vote the first! You're a good man and you did your best, you never did anything with the intention of causing hurt. When your W went out and found someone else that IS intentional hurt. She has to live with herself and her conscience, you don't. We can only just continue to do our best in being good people throughout these messes we find ourselves in now.
Wow, coming to the same conclusions, myself. And the same realizations.
And not wanting to be with a person who doesn't know or understand what "commitment" really is. Or how to communicate.
It comes down to, they just aren't strong enough in mind, character and values to face the issues and deal with them together. So they sneak out.
SD, wii, Donna,
Thnaks for checking back. It was really "Self-Flaggelate FLTC Day" today. I really tried after MC. MC gave me some books to read, but they never "reached" me. I really addressed all that MC asked me to do. I don't believe she ever did. still the 15 point critiques, the "undifferentiated anger": Anger at everything AND nothing at the same time. Never knowing what would set her off. W. gave me a "better sex" book, which I read, and tried, but nothing was quite right.
I was never a disengaed father. I went to every event, game, play, award. I never sat in front of the TV, and when I would use the computer for more than a hlaf hour, I got called on it, even if I was doing work or Army stuff. Always felt guilty about relaxing. Did all the outside stuff. W. never mowed the lawn in 20 years, so it wasn't like I was inert, just out of touch (as was my father) with certain stuff. Most guys would get this, I think. Not malicious as wii said.
It was really "Self-Flaggelate FLTC Day" today.
So, it's only right that Monday shall be APPLAUD FLTC DAY!
Thanks, Mattie. I am taking the day off today to go and bring D16 back home from the eating disorder clinic. It was nice in a way having her there, because I knew she was safe. Now, she comes back to a day treatment. Still no school, though. She's got to get better first.
Mediation meeting rescheduled for a week.
While this is all very tough, I am SO glad that I had 19 months and Iraq to help me detach. While certain things continue to rip mey heart out (like seeing Golden Books in the supermarket....read them to my kids every night), it is NOWHERE like it used to be. Like Donna once related, there were times I couldn't sign my name because my hand was shaking so badly.
uh oh...no responses yesterday. I'm irellevent!
Well, boulders continue to get piled on me. Went to pick up D16 at eating disorder clinic in PA yesterday. The insurance company stopped benefits after the 9th. What this means is that I'm $4000 in the hole at this time, and she starts outpatient full-day today. No coverage unless insurance company relents. She is still a sick kid. Brought her home yesterday and started to work with my HR person to try and get some coverage.
With all of this, it's amazing that W. drives on with a divorce. She still believes, I guess that this is a crusade, and she must "proceed on course". With what my two girls have cost us, I'm surprised I still have a roof over my head. W. wrote a $10K check for mediation. Just as well set the money on fire. Can't change the wind, but I can change the direction of my sail! Don't swim against the rip tide. Just relax and you'll come out of it, right Hill?
On to the gym and back to work. If you pray, I could use one.
Sending prayers your way, FLTC!
I think you could use a hug, too: (((FLTC)))
Sorry, yesterday was a crazy day for me.
And now that I am working more hours at my retail job, I am not at my computer as much.
Sucks about the insurance. Hope they can get that fixed like yesterday.
Hang in there.
I don't pray much, but you and your kids are in my thoughts.
((((((FLTC)))))))
(((FLTC)))) and prayers...
Hope your Wednesday is going well.
It's all downhill to Friday now.