First thread here and apt timing. Been really detached and wanting this done for a few weeks and had my exciting weekend ahead (see thread in newcomers for details).
So, went to concert last night and mayhem. Needed loo so left my mates and when returning about 45 mins later (was mobbed) couldn't find them. Just picked a spot to dance and listen to fatboy and had this girl looking at me a fair bit, but I thought she was with this fella. Anyways, bout 20-30 mins later i'm dancin with her and stayed that way for about an hour til it ended, by which point we'd exchanged a few words, but mainly danced. We then met her mates briefly and i'd arranged to meet mine in a bar and she left hers and came with me. We then ended up at a house party with her friends and I stayed at hers and we spent today together. Just got home about hour ago. I was as well behaved as could be and we didn't go to far, mainly as I saidi didn't want to as I liked her and didn't want it to feel like a one night stand. Good things come to those wwho wait huh ?
Going to see her again tho as we really clicked. I told her all about my sitch and she was cool. Did think I might of mentioned boys to much but she would need to accept that anyway andshee seemed too. Maybe me just mis reading things with women again !!
She may also help me kick the ciggies as a none smoker.
Wow, do I feel good.....
I'm not sure if I get 2x4's here for this as I'm here as moving on with my life, but whatever. I'm happy
Welcome Arthur........
Ok now breath. Sounds as if you're taking thing slow and that's always a good way to go. I just wouldn't want to see anyone get hurt!
Anyway, welcome to your new home. You'll be well takencare of here. Lots of great people and advice.
Oh and Mike always keeps us liquored up!
Love,
Bethie
Needed loo so left my mates and when returning about 45 mins later (was mobbed) couldn't find them.
Hmmm reminds me of Memphis in May, and I lost the peeps, and you think they would of been looking for little old me, high and low, but nooo.
niiiice.
Anywhooo.
The attention feels nice huh?
Yup, I have never read any of your situation before. So I guess if you have come to post here you are Done. (I dunno why I associate this forum with being done)
My motherly advice to you is, becareful. Little things like this can take a mind of their own at times, and you are vulnerable.
Ok
Welcome aboard.
I will have a girly Strawberry Margarita
Thank you
i want a captn coke
how long has your divorce been final?
Welcome to your new home Arthur. You are quick at getting the girls! Try to take some time and get some variety.
how long has your divorce been final?
My brotha ain't D'd yet!!!
A Landshark for Me Arthur..cool with the chicks brother..look but don't touch..welcome aboard..it's the last, best party place on earth.
Hey Arthur!
Hello and welcome.
Dangle your toes for a little in the dating pool and see what nibbles. And remember, never go farther than your ankles (at least for now)!
*hugs*
Thanks people and what a welcome.
Yes, i'm on a high, I know that and I can now also recognise the problems others have when they meet someone they think is cool. I'm going to take it slow, but I can honestly say, I've never clicked with someone like this before. Spent 24 hours straight together from meeting and never an uncomfortable moment. Felt like we'd known each other a lot longer.
Enjoying the party here already. I'm a bit low on anything special but there are beers. I've not much room in my mums fridge !!!!
Hi Arthur,
Glad you out GAL, also glad you met someone and are feeling on a high, but as everyone says take it easy, take it slow and don't add any unnecessary complications to you life.
The good thing about this is you can see that there will be a life for you after a D (if it happens).
Take care
Lanzo
Cheers Lan, glad you found me buddy.
Yeah, I admit it's a little awkward and I am a little confused but I have been brutally honest to new girl and it's not scared her at all. It may do once she speaks to friends, I don't know but it's all totally unexpected. Might go nowhere anyway, but like others who have started new relationships, I do believe you get to a point where you are convinced your getting a D, so why wait any longer ? I mean, I wasn't looking, it just happened and she seems soooooooo nice. and believe me, to say no to going further than we did was like Augustus Gloop being able to resist chocolate !!!
And no, it was nothing to do with the Mercedes SLK convertible she gave me a lift home in !!! LOL
And no, it was nothing to do with the Mercedes SLK convertible she gave me a lift home in !!! LOL
damn brother..you left out important details of the sitch..
go get em tiger..
And no, it was nothing to do with the Mercedes SLK convertible she gave me a lift home in !!! LOL
damn brother..you left out important details of the sitch..
go get em tiger..
LMAO Mike, you crack me up. There's me trying to get a run around for a few £100 and then I meet a girl with that, no idea what I'm to do now ?????
A,
Sounds like a great weekend. I have to agree with others here to take it slow and do not get commited to an exclusive R right away. Alot of women out there and don't hang your hat on the first one.
Oh and I will take a Lager.
Tim
I'm not expecting anything of this R, just some fun and company for now really and see what happens.
But come on D, a convertible merc SLK ? you'd be tempted right ??? lol
Going for dinner tomorrow night and yes, getting picked up....to right I am.
Joking aside, she seems real nice, she knows everything as it was the only way to be IMO, but could well see her getting fed up if it gets heavy. But those is the choices we make. I'm seperated, getting D ASAP so doing the moving on and dating as I would be post D.
lagers in the fridge no problem. There will be wine available early tomorrow but not once I get started !!!
LMAO Mike, you crack me up.
\
what are friends for?? Pick you up when you are down and support you like hell when a beautiful women picks you up and drives you around in a car like that!!! Is there enough room across the pond for both of us??
LMAO Mike, you crack me up.
\
what are friends for?? Pick you up when you are down and support you like hell when a beautiful women picks you up and drives you around in a car like that!!! Is there enough room across the pond for both of us??
well, I'm in an 8x10 room with 2 single beds but not here tomorrow night. Unfortunately, not enough room in the 2 seater SLK for Mikey.
I'm not sure whether to start asking her to pay me for being in the car and making her look proper cool yet though. Do you guys think it's a bit soon ? (FYI - I've know here 48 hours) So when would be the right time for that chat ?
Go Arthur!
There is positively nothing wrong with helpin a lady out making her look good in her car.
Go Arthur!
There is positively nothing wrong with helpin a lady out making her look good in her car.
I'm sure she must have appreciated it to as getting picked up tonight and going for dinner. Real excited, not dated for my adult life really and being with someone from 20, do feel I've missed some of this stuff.
Hopefully we get on real well again tonight as weekend we were either rather smashed or day after smashed (she hungover). Had a few texts yesterday and looking forward to seeing her again.
Just had friend text asking me to house sit. Think it's next week and you'll like this folks. From the bedroom I'll have, I believe it overlooks my back garden !!!! LOL
I'm not expecting anything of this R, just some fun and company for now really and see what happens.
But come on D, a convertible merc SLK ? you'd be tempted right ??? lol
Dude, right about now I'd be tempted with almost anything in a skirt. She could be driving a beat up truck.
Just had friend text asking me to house sit. Think it's next week and you'll like this folks. From the bedroom I'll have, I believe it overlooks my back garden !!!! LOL
Should make a fun weekend with you so close to your STBX.
One thing I wanted to throw out there while you are seeing this lady. Remember your boys are already hurting and confused by all of this stuff. Do not add a new person to their lives just yet. They are still hoping that mommy and dad will get back together and seeing either one of you with someone else so soon will not be good. JMHO. Keep anything on the sly and out of their view for now.
Unfortunately, not enough room in the 2 seater SLK for Mikey.
I've been riding shotgun for ever and now you toss me out for a piece of assss??
I would suggest you buy a really nice pair of sunglasses. A nice pair of sunglasses on you would really make that car stand out.
D - No intention of the boys even knowing about OW for a long time. I'm not even going to let STBX know for a month or 2, tho I know how the rumour mill works where I live. Also, chance I may bump into her out which could be funny/awkward !!!
Anything in a skirt ? Make sure you don't go on vacation to Scotland then !!!
Mike - Sorry dude. Hey and don't slate my bitch bro !!! she is not a piece of asssss....oh, ok she has a nice one to be fair....My got I'm so like a dog on heat !!!
She has so many sunnies it's unreal, sure there will be a pair that make me look cooler than the norm or at least cooler than my £14 ($30) pair !!!!lol
D - No intention of the boys even knowing about OW for a long time.
As a child from D parents I just wanted to make sure thats all.
Anything in a skirt ? Make sure you don't go on vacation to Scotland then !!!
LMAO (that wont get me banned will it)
Hey Arthur,
Just for my clarification, does this new friendship of yours mean you are done with your M and are happy to move forward on an new path in your life ?
Lanzo
Lan - Yes, totally done. Have been for a few weeks and it wasn't the sitch particularly, the way my W was in particular but a singular event where she stopped 'my time' with my boys after moaning she didn't think I saw them enough. I posted about it and it was in front of them so I had to be big enough to hold my complete anger and sadness at the time, say goodbye to them and go. I'd thought she'd started using the boys as a weapon and that was so low, I have never been so angry in my life, yet controlled it.
Then, after that, so much time to think and look after our relationship that I came to realise we'd been existing rather than living for a good 2 years more or less.
Meeting this OW was completely an accident, kind of like meant to happen. I mean, basically lost my friends in a crowd of 20,000, only standing where I am as found a little space and then some girl starts flirting with me. Then spent 24 hours together and was so comfortable and natural and more affectionate than I've ever had with my W. Yes, I know it's the initial period so it seems real, this is why I chose not to do the do. I don't really want one night stands, either got to be someone I could see myself being in a relationship with or not at all.
Obviously very early days tho, but I haven't stopped smiling or felt this happy in a long time with someone (kids and exception but you get me).
oh, I'm still in total confusion what she sees in me. There's little old me, total average bloke, no car, living at mums, in middle of divorce etc and there's this pretty girl, body to die for, top job where she travels the world, lovely flat, nice car and a touch posh (tho she denies it, we joke about it) and she seems crazy about me.
Hey, I'm not knocking myself, don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good guy and all that, but if you could understand, it's just freaky !!!
oh, I'm still in total confusion what she sees in me.
Maybe a bit of rough.
Anyway good luck to you Arthur I'm glad D'bing helped you to find the real you and set you off in a new positive direction. I hope this or any future R works out for you.
Lanzo
cheers Lan
Never been called a bit of rough before !!! and certainly not by a man before (even where I live !!!)
Good for you Arthur, glad to see you are happy
happy but feeling a bit of a heavy cold coming on. Please hold off til tomorrow !!!
Hi Arthur, I am at the same spot as you in regards to meeting another gal - I just met her on Sunday and now we seem to be texting and talking quite a bit. It sure feels great to have someone interested in yourself!
Great for you Arthur!
It looks to me like you are going into this with a level head and pure intentions.
You might be an escape for her, so please be careful with your expectations so you don't get hurt.
I'm happy if you're happy!
I haven't posted to you before and may be completely off mark. If I am, just ignore it, k?
Don't want to piss on your parade, but you have a bunch of peeps telling you to be careful. It is for a good reason.
Have you dealt with your half of the fall of your marriage? What you contributed, or didn't contribute, to it? What was it that pulled it apart? Have you done your own work?
If not, getting into this R will only drag along the place where you are - if you haven't worked on you, you're going into it with all the same habits, problems, quirks, etc., that got you separated in the first place.
It is experience talking to you right now, friend. I did get involved with someone while separated. He was also newly alone after a long M. It felt great, and gave us something to talk about (not that we talked much). But I am SO LUCKY that he moved across the country! Neither one of us got hurt, and we could have.
It probably did delay some of my journey through to the other side, though.
If you need a break, a little fun, do that with eyes wide open, too. Without a recent break-up in her past, she might be more ready than you are to develop this into something, and then she will be hurt.
Take care...
Cheers people and thank you Donna. I'm of the all comments and opinions gratefully accepted brigade.
OW has been single for 6 months or so, but I am still a little miffed to what she sees in me. We are 2 very different people, but then maybe that's the attraction, I guess it is with me.
I have done a lot of looking at myself yes and hold my hands up to the fact I had become a person I did not like for 2-3 years. I became a yes man to my W, I clung to something that in hindsight was not healthy for me. I'm not saying it's my W's fault, I was to much of a wimp to stand my ground. I gave up everything I loved over 6 years once we had our first child trying to be the husband she wanted. Close friends have even said that I was what she made me and now she doesn't like it and they are right.
Eyes wide open. We had meal last night and was real nice, she's got me trying different foods and it was nice. She has a tough job I think and did seema little stressed, but she chilled out after a few wines. Not sure how keen she is, sometimes seems very much so and then others she seems to be questioning her choice in her head.
Just been dropped at work in the Merc !!!!
interesting evening last night. Had to go to sons school for open evening to the Juniors (next school up) with W and was totally cool with it all. Felt so relaxed with her and was joking a bit with another dad and the mums who are W's friends. Had a strange chat on the way home where I was questioned about my night out Saturday briefly and then told how I never danced and never went to things like that all the time we were together. I just replied, that was as I was more concerned with the bills, being a good husband and spending time with my W and then a father.
Oh and on the way there, she told me to go to one entrance and I thought it was the other, so she said 'I don't no why I bother, I don't no why I even talk to you'. I said, well, I wish you would as it's boring and nothing but nagging or nasty anyway and pumped up the volume and sang along to some splitting up record on the radio...lol. Think she is seeing I'm happy now and not liking it.
The scary thing is, I don't want her anymore. I think you get to a point where you just move on. I cannot ever see her becoming a different person or making sufficient changes to be someone I could love again to want to even try. Not saying that she wants that but it was the first time I've felt any sort of softening from her....I hope it's just to make the D amicable and to be friends.
Arthur,
I've been following your sitch for as long as i've been here, you've been properly cared for by everyone here, and I've learned much from you and Mike. thank you for that.
i just wanted to say congrats, and happy you've found yourself a bit of happiness in the middle of what you're going through. reading you say that you've smiled and laughed and felt happiness gives me much hope.
like yourself i've reached that Done point. mine came a couple weeks ago, after a conversation with a mutual friend and finding the Tiffany's gift card for a necklace the OM gave my STBXW. when you're done you're done and you can move on and continue on your healing.
again, congrats on your happiness, any friend of Mikes is a friend, no doubt.
Cheers Ken - You'll be fine my friend.
I believe I've become and will be a better dad for this. I actually think my kids will be fine now, that fear has gone. When I see them they are happy and I try and ensure I have some sort of plan for something to do that they will like (lacking ideas this Saturday if it rains though, but always a swimming pool !!!). They also seem happier doing things with W that she might not of done when me there and they are also spending more time with their grand parents who are helping out more which is great.
Once your done, happy in yourself you really start looking forward and start to be more positive. I thank my W for the years together, the good time and most of all my boys. It's been a period in my life and it hasn't owrked so time to move on and get busy living again, something that I can see I'd stopped doing for 2 years +
Arthur, you sound like a UK clone of myself. I too felt like a "Yes" man throughout my M and possibly sacrificed too much of myself to try to make my W happy. And you are moving on with the same attitude as I - keeping things amicable with the STBXW and creating some luster in your life with some dating.
I think we all become yes men in our M. We think that is what will make our W happy and in return make us happy. When in fact if we would just stay who we are and continue to make ourselves happy and not let all the distractions of kids, work and the house get in the way most of us would not be here right now.
Hindsight is 20/20 but I am glad that you are happier now A and that this has made you a better father and person. You sound really good and content with your decision. But remember your boys are still hurting on the inside and will for quite a while so make sure you are always there for them.
I know I sound like a broken record but my dad called every week and saw us as oftern as he could. He made sure when we were with him that we had fun wether it was throwing a ball around or working in the yard together. He lived 1-1/2 hours away so he missed almost all of our sporting events but when we did get together we had his undivided attention and that is what I remember the most.
Take care
Tim
Tim,
your insight from a child's perspective is great, i'd appreciate more if you wouldnt mind. my little angel is going to be 3 soon, and i'd hate to make any more mistakes than necessary.
Ken,
I was 7 when my parents seperated. I spent alot of time hoping they would get back together. I never truely accepted it until the D was finalized and that was the only time I was upset at my mom. I remember her getting it in the mail and being happy it was over. I on the other hand was devistated because I knew we would never be a family again. I think I knew before that but at that moment it hit home. Not that my mom meant anything by it and she more than likely never knew how I felt but it hurt. Now that I am having marital problems and dealing with all this crap I understand and you and A understand better than I what she must have felt.
With your D being 3 it will make it a little bit easier I think because she wont remember her parents being together. But keep in mind anything you do to your STBXW or say about your STBXW or any of your family and friends say about her and your D over hears will hurt badly. I over heard a conversation that someone was talking about my mom and I know it was just to help my dad but the kids don't understand any of that and no matter how happy we look or are feeling any negativity from either side about the other hurts the kids.
So my advice is this.
1) Tell all your friends, family members whomever when your D is around either do not mention your STBX or if they do bring her up make sure nothing bad is said about her. There is plenty of time when she will not be around that you can discuss yours and their true fellings about her.
2) Plan on spending as much time with her as possible when you have her. It does not matter what you are doing. Some of the best memories of my dad is cutting the grass and hedges and painting the house with him. Was it work, yes but it was time with him and when we were done he always would do fun stuff with us. Shoot hoops or play American Football or whatever. I know girls are different but you get my drift. I remember the first beer my dad gave us after cutting the grass, worst tasting stuff I ever drank, I think I was 13 or 14 at the time.
3) Most important is to keep in contact with her when you are not with her. Call her, email her when she is older. Always let her know you love her. Any important dates or events that you cannot see her call. Even if you think it is insignificant its not to her. Also let her know that none of what is happening between you and your STBX is her fault and this is not just a one time deal. Its how I felt and wondered if it was me or something I did so reassure her that its not.
4) Learn to be civil to your STBX. My parents still cannot be in the same room together. That is the only area I see that they did a lousy job with after the D. You will have birthday parties, graduations, weddings and then grandkids where the both of you will be together. Don't make her chose one or the other or make the event stressful because the both of you are still holding grudges for over 20 years. I gave up and was like let them fight it out but it does suck when one is at this end of the house and the other is over there and your trying to have a nice birthday for you D. (really happened at my D 1st birthday she didn't notice but the rest of us did) Your two are stuck together for the rest of your lives so after all the pain and heartache goes away, shelve it and move on for her sake if nothing else.
5) Do not introduce anybody into their lives too soon. Remember they are still hoping that you will get back together so give them time to deal and get over all the hurt and pain. Plus think of the example you are setting if you keep bringing new people into her life over and over again.
Thats my words of advice from a child of D that watch it all the good, the bad and the ugly. I survived as you, A and MFT kids will but it is just as bad for them as it is for you and they are alot younger and do not understand all the ways of us grown-ups.
Take care,
Tim
Thank you distressed, that was very helpful for me personally as we move toward D. I dont know your sitch, but your insight is some valuable stuff.
Tim, your post is everything I have been rallying against. I have S9 and D6 and I can't even imagine the pain they are going through because of my mistakes and W's selfish behavior. I am trying to be the best Dad I can be through all of this to protect them from the hurt of D. Wish my W would open her eyes to what her A and OM is doing to our children.
It does suck when a parent is blind to what they are doing to the children. They hurt just as much as the parents only they have no control over any of it and have very little experience on how to handle them. I know I buried those feeling pretty deep and never expressed them to either one of my parents.
You cannot control your W actions unfortuntely so you will have to do the best that you can.
I had a friend whose mom had a revolving door of BF after she got D. I remember him talking about eating breakfast and some guy he never knew coming out of his moms bedroom. So yea I understand what you are saying.
Sorry for taking over your thread A.
Hey Tim, fine taking over, especially with information that is beneficial to me also.
Yeah, I'm all for kids first and if OW objects, well she would come off second best in that one. She is a busy woman however, so I can't see that happening or becoming an issue. It's real tough on the kids, but I got to the point where I could fight no more because of them, I deserve some happiness and I think even if my STBX wanted to try again, I'd be the WAS inside 6 months. All the time, remiscing, looking back, I've clung to my STBX for the wrong reasons.
Stayed at OW's last night. She was not to well, but said I could come round and came out and she picked me up. I did say if she just wanted to stay in by herself I was ok and she was like, no it's ok, if you don't mind just watching TV, it's up to you. So it was a bit like, she wouldn't say either way.
Women out they - Does that mean she wanted me there ? or not ?
I never know what to do in that spot.
So, it was ok evening, had some food then just chilled and she went to bed so I followed. I'm not sure if she has just been un well since Tuesday as she definitely seems a little different to last weekend. Really can't work out if she is that bothered or not so gonna start DBing a little. Going a little dark, being busy if she wants to see me (difficult as so busy that might mean not seeing her for a long time), not replying to texts so quickly and see if she chases at all.
So not used to this dating, might need to find some info about getting back in the game as I'm honestly lost of where I'm at and don't like that.
Hi there Arthur - I recommend "No More Mr Nice Guy" for a spot of reading...this might help you with your current predicament...
Best - GFI
Hi there Arthur - I recommend "No More Mr Nice Guy" for a spot of reading...this might help you with your current predicament...
Best - GFI
Good shout sir, going to Amazon now to check that out. I definitely am OTT when I like someone and need to back off. Left that she would ring me, so I must be strong and leave it as that.
A,
Women out they - Does that mean she wanted me there ? or not ?
Straight up - It sounds like you're a booty call. You've seen this gal twice, yes? Spent the night both nights? IMHO this got casual awfully quick which can be nice. BUT it's falling into some kind of an R too quickly. Be careful.
I think it's too early to share other thoughts rattling around my head....
AO
A,
Women out they - Does that mean she wanted me there ? or not ?
Straight up - It sounds like you're a booty call. You've seen this gal twice, yes? Spent the night both nights? IMHO this got casual awfully quick which can be nice. BUT it's falling into some kind of an R too quickly. Be careful.
I think it's too early to share other thoughts rattling around my head....
AO
Well, it's 3 times if you count we met Sat night, but I was a gent and said I didn't want to sleep (do the do) with her the first night.
Tuesday we went for a meal, got a little drunk and did sleep together. How strong can a man be when not had any for 8 months and a size 8 woman stips off to get into bed ???!!!
Then last night just slept as she is poorly.
I'm not sure she is the type for just a 'booty call' (I'm assuming that means F buddy for a while yes ?). She very proper etc, but I could be wrong. Either way, I'm not overly concerned just like to know where she's at. She did insist on picking me up last night for nothing other than company so it's definitely not just a sex thing I'm sure.
Women, I really have no idea !!!
Oh - Feel free to share all thoughts !!!
Your asking a bunch of DAM's with marital problems for advice on women are you nuts.
If we knew anything about what they were thinking or feeling or doing we would not be here.
Your asking a bunch of DAM's with marital problems for advice on women are you nuts.
If we knew anything about what they were thinking or feeling or doing we would not be here.
LOL.....Good point Tim !!!
Any opinions welcome. Ran it past 3 different women and 3 slightly different opinions so it's not just about being a DAM. 1 is like she is sending mixed signals it seems, another is it's probably fine, she's just under the weather and tired and the 3rd is, well, she had a few easy ways out of seeing me last night and didn't then offered to pick me up when I said I'd make my own way over.
So confusing !!!
Your asking a bunch of DAM's with marital problems for advice on women are you nuts.
If we knew anything about what they were thinking or feeling or doing we would not be here.
DAMN SIR..we are no longer DAMS in the DAM sense...you just don't realize it yet Tim..
we are different now..and different causes attractions that I would have never thought would happen..not in a trillion years..I know Arthur knows what I'm talking about..there is a different air, a different confidence that's given off..and it's attractive..I can see why Arthur brings it here..not only for the women but for the men to think about too..
and just on a side note Tim, when your W wakes up and gets her chitt straight. You won't have to worry about the physical part anymore..I'll wager that..
Arthur,
as a XDAM, i'd say forget any mixed messages about the 3rd date, dont dwell on it too much. she wasnt feeling well, and wouldnt be herself. but she did pick you up and you got to see her when she's not at her top self. that took guts for her.
dont think too much into how soon to call, DBing, etc. Ever see the movie Singles? the whole waiting 3 days bit? go with your gut, think about how you'd like it to be, then make it that way. Dont play the games that got us here.
of course, you dont want to be like the bit in Swingers where the main character was trying to leave that message with the girl from the bar - not good.
If you're confused, be honest with her. ask her if she wouldnt mind leading for a little while until you learn her groove. Tell her you want to be a gentleman, and dont want to make the silly mistakes of over-analyzing because of self-doubt. Let her know that its ok for her to say no, its ok for her to say yes, you'll understand and will work with her.
create the habit of open communication, nows the time to form the habits of a good R - YOUR habits. If not for this woman, then for the next.
this is what i've learned for myself.
Arthur,
And another thing....
....what are your intentions? What do you want? Got any boundaries right now? (I was going to ask M the same questions)
Those are the questions I forgot to ask myself in my first post D dates. And it bit me in the a$$. Learned a lot those first few months.
AO
Tim,
thanks for all your advice. i'll set that deep in my memory. it means much.
My boundaries?? I just want to go out and have a good time. Increase my circle of friends. If something serious slowly developes then I'm all for it..
I just can't go giving all this good stuff out just to be giving it out!!! ROTFLMAO
It's easy to just go get it, just to be getting it. I'm looking for quality people first. Same values..same wants..allt he good stuff comes in time. Slow and patient..while having fun along the way.
You have any good advice on more boundaries AO?? You've been through the fire..Can you help a brother out??
Cheers Ken. unfotunately not seen either film but some cracking advice there.
I'll definitely take on board the not worrying about when she calls next etc, but I'll leave the chat about where were at for a few weeks yet. It's probably just me and would you not think that sort of statement was a little bit scary if said to you ?
She's 32 and very independent and used to a lot of self time and just doing what she wants when she wants. So I guess she will also take time to settle into a R type thing where you don't just say yes to every offer as you want to see the OP.
Mike is bang on with what he's saying though. It is seriously unreal how many women I've attracted in the last 2 months and with so little effort. Once you manage to speak to someone it's easy, but I'm even finding the getting chatting to them easier every time. A smiling happy man having a good time is obviously a vert attractive proposition.
I just can't go giving all this good stuff out just to be giving it out!!!
Mikey!
This is one of the many reasons why I adore you.
AO
I just can't go giving all this good stuff out just to be giving it out!!!
Mikey!
This is one of the many reasons why I adore you.
AO
It's the truth..LOL
got any more advice on boundaries..something I'm missing??
It's the truth..LOL
got any more advice on boundaries..something I'm missing??
Know where your limits are and try to be consistent. I'm not saying that there can't be modifications along the way, but you know what you really need and want right now. And it's not fair to tell yourself that something is OK just this once or for a little while (and I'm talking from personal experience and about me....) It's hard in the beginning when things are shiny and new not to get caught up in it.....It took me a year and a half of post D dating to decide I was taking a break for while. (and still not done breaking).
DAMN SIR..we are no longer DAMS in the DAM sense...you just don't realize it yet Tim..
we are different now..and different causes attractions that I would have never thought would happen..not in a trillion years..I know Arthur knows what I'm talking about..there is a different air, a different confidence that's given off..and it's attractive..I can see why Arthur brings it here..not only for the women but for the men to think about too..
and just on a side note Tim, when your W wakes up and gets her chitt straight. You won't have to worry about the physical part anymore..I'll wager that..
Your are right we are not DAM's anymore I have moved beyond that as most of us here have but it is still difficult to figure women out. I see the excitement in dating someone new and in a way I am envious but also glad I am not there. I have been out of the game for over 20 years so I don't have any practical advice to give on it. Just to not get too envolved to quickly and lose your head.
Have fun with it boys and play the field there are too may fish in the sea, good fatherly advice.
Have fun with it boys and play the field there are too may fish in the sea, good fatherly advice.
thanks DAD..it is a rather scary place for me. Out for 10 years and TBH some of these girls/women/ladies..I don't even have a clue just by looking at them how old some of them are..the sea is a scary place..I feel like Nemo..LOL
hey G, yeah bac in the game and it does seem a game too !! No contact since got dropped off yesterday morning and was left that she would give me a ring, so I'm leaving it for her to decide. Slight problem though, she did have a bad cold when I left her, so she could be there thinking I'm a right nasty piece of work for not checking up on her !!! Doh, so hard to figure it all out it's unreal.
Will text before going out tonight just something like. Hi, how's you doing ? Over the cold yet ?Hope your feeling better and leave it at that. Then, if no contact by return, I can go out 'shaking' again tonight....oops !!!
FWIW, I hope she calls and we arrange something for tomorrow, but if not, it was a great few days and has given me a big lift !!!
Well, i text and good i did as seems she is having a bad time with work at the moment. Didn't see her last night and she said she would ring today. No call yet at 2.15 here so if no call today I'd say that was it.
Ah well, my birthday next week so still got something to look forward too.
Cheers G, it's not til next Monday, but will be sure to have a big weekend !!!
Not heard from OM, really not liking this dating game. She said she would ring Sunday and I text about tea time as thought we were going out for dinner but was starving, so gotta leave it now. Think I'm blown out already !!!!!
just read above. should read not heard from OW....Doh.
Got a text this morning, which was bit hard to decipher what's going on and given previous text of Saturday I have waited a few hours then replied basically asking outright if I'm being blown out. Rather just no as to old for any of these games.
Text from OW was along lines of. Hi, lost phone sat night. Real busy at work at mo. It's a real [censored] time at moment. Hope you had a good weekend.
My reply. No worries, hope u and work is ok. I'm not sure what to make of text so you may need to spell it out for me !!! 1st word might start F and 2nd might start O !!!
I just would rather know
Really hard to say what she means A. I would stop calling or texting her and let her make the next move. If she wants to see you she will call if not, it was a fun couple of days. Plenty of other women out there for you.
Also that OM of yours might call.
just read above. should read not heard from OW....Doh.
Got a text this morning, which was bit hard to decipher what's going on and given previous text of Saturday I have waited a few hours then replied basically asking outright if I'm being blown out. Rather just no as to old for any of these games.
Text from OW was along lines of. Hi, lost phone sat night. Real busy at work at mo. It's a real [censored] time at moment. Hope you had a good weekend.
My reply. No worries, hope u and work is ok. I'm not sure what to make of text so you may need to spell it out for me !!! 1st word might start F and 2nd might start O !!!
I just would rather know
looks like you're expecting more from OW than just a good time?? Correct?? I'm reading it this way anyway..am I wrong??
Geez.. Arthur..
Send a picture of a cute puppy you saw on a walk with clever quip. Or The Engineers Guide to Cats
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4.If counting the hours between texts and phonecalls are making you anxious.. is it good for you? What message does it tell you, her?
It is wonderful to be appreciated.. but... (fill in the blank).
*hugs*
Mike - All I'm expecting is no silly games and to know where I am.
I think she is nice, but maybe she is another batchitt, so not to bothered by the reply, I'll just move on.
Can't remember the last time I was dumped twice in a year and still 2 months left yet !!!
Tim - Yeah, loads of ladies still out there and got another big birthday weekend planned with footy on early doors to so as long as I know, I can chat to other ladies Sat night. I'm a very loyal person so as I thought we were sort of seeing each other, I never bothered to chat to any girls this weekend just gone and I have a lovely new jumper on too !!! LOL
Mike - All I'm expecting is no silly games and to know where I am.
I think she is nice, but maybe she is another batchitt, so not to bothered by the reply, I'll just move on.
Can't remember the last time I was dumped twice in a year and still 2 months left yet !!!
dating is silly games brother...
I'm a very loyal person so as I thought we were sort of seeing each other,
after only a week?? I don't get that..
Well yeah, but say I then went and met someone last Sat and this girl was keen, I'd then have 2 to be playing games with and that's not me. Maybe loyal was a strong word or maybe I'm just so out of the loop I've really no idea what I'm doing !!!
As I say Mike, really no idea how all this dating, meeting girls etc works. To me, if you met someone, saw them a few times you sort of assume you are seeing them no ? Admittedly nothing serious as very very early days, but how can you ever develop a new relationship if for the first few weeks your both sleeping around with any old person
I'm a very loyal person so as I thought we were sort of seeing each other,
after only a week?? I don't get that..
I'm with mike here. Do not date anyone exclusivly right off the bat. Play the field, have a good time and don't tie yourself down so soon. This is your time to enjoy yourself and the company of many different women as long as you are up front with them its all good.
As I say Mike, really no idea how all this dating, meeting girls etc works. To me, if you met someone, saw them a few times you sort of assume you are seeing them no ? Admittedly nothing serious as very very early days, but how can you ever develop a new relationship if for the first few weeks your both sleeping around with any old person
Noone said you have to sleep around. What ever happened to getting to know someone first before jumping into bed with them. I know its been a long time but try just DATING first and then move on to sex. That way you can see a couple of ladies and not hurt any of them if it does not work out. How do you know what you like or want if you shack up with the first piece of a** that comes along.
As I say Mike, really no idea how all this dating, meeting girls etc works. To me, if you met someone, saw them a few times you sort of assume you are seeing them no ? Admittedly nothing serious as very very early days, but how can you ever develop a new relationship if for the first few weeks your both sleeping around with any old person
DAMNNN Arthur..I would think that if you want to see someone exclusivly then you better open your lips and communicate that with them. Assuming will get you nothing..if you had not talked to her about this then she has "no frinkin clue" LOL
I've been out of the game 9 years but I don't think the game is played that way..Communication is still the big thing..
This is true Mike, but I expected to see her again a few more times before we had that chat if it was even needed.
Tim - Not sure how it plays out over there, but believe me, if your not trying to bed someone inside a couple of dates (especially if you've been in their bed twice), they will go off you pretty fast or think your weird. Most people generally sleep with people the first night these days, I did well to wait 2 days I thought !!!
I didn't expect to meet someone I thought I really clicked with so fast and had a good time with, but hey, I'm not concerned if she blows me out, I'd just rather know. That is all I want from her and don't think to much to ask !!!
Tim - Not sure how it plays out over there, but believe me, if your not trying to bed someone inside a couple of dates (especially if you've been in their bed twice), they will go off you pretty fast or think your weird. Most people generally sleep with people the first night these days, I did well to wait 2 days I thought !!!
Dayyum..Mikey needs to move to England!!! He'll be "getting it like he ought to be getting it!!!"
G - I'm not sure I got an opinion from you from that except to not worry and go play the field ? is that right ?
oh, and we met the Sat night, spent 24 hrs together, then went out Tues (ahem night) and I then stayed over there Thursday to. Bit much in hindsight yes, but my point being we saw each other after the initial bit and she had many times to call it off, so I felt we connected a little. Ah well, I'll fill you in if I ever get a reply.
Ok, girls opinion here, and one that just get "stood up" so to say by OM.
My intentions that night were purely to, well, get laid. I know, I am a diry girl, which is the total opposite of me, but I kind of missed out on my teens and 20's, been with H only, and kind of had to get something out of the way.
The beginning of our night was spent with him saying how much he had liked me for years, holding my hand, kissing me, his hand on my leg while we were at the casino playing black-jack. Things that were more than just getting laid. It felt godd when I hadn't felt it for a while.
The sexual tension was there all night and we released it. We psent the morning laying there being affectionate, cuddling, with HIM talking about how he was going ot take me out that week, this isn't the last time he was going ot see me, although I said that was just fine if it was. heinsisted on my number and before he left, he said "see you tuesday."
He works at the same place as my cousin. He said he was defintely going ot call me that week to her. H didn't. My cosuin actually e-mailed him. he said he lost my number and needed it again. She gave it to him. he never called.
So, I didn't want an R either Arthur, but I most certainly like being played with. If you don't ever want ot see me again, fine. i established that was fine. but don't lie, don't pretend, I am not a kid. What sucked about this was he knew what H did to me, you would htink he would have had a little ocmpassion and not totally stand up a woman who got left by her H. he isn't that bright though.
I hate to say it, but her answer to the text as kind of the same crap OM was giving my cousin. OM never called.
Dating can suck big time, and dating could be lots of fun. I am interested to see though, some of you men do think like us women! I wish I could find a man I was on the same wavelength with.
Arthur, you go out alot, meets lot of women. My butt gets out once in a bluemoon (although I usually do meet a guy when I go out I realize. Maybe I have "Desperate Divorcee" written on my forhead".) I think of you DONT look for it, it is going to pop up when and where you least expect it.
see GM, I don't have a problem with this if both see things the same way..I mean a F***Buddy is a F***Buddy as long as both people are in it for the same thing. He should not have led you on. He should have been straight up and to the point. I don't see you as a dirty girl either. Sex is SEX, we all want it we all need it..if nothing else for the relief and companionship..even if that companionship is short lived..
oh, and we met the Sat night, spent 24 hrs together, then went out Tues (ahem night) and I then stayed over there Thursday to.
Stayed over the first night??? stayed again Thursday?? Banged both nights?? think she may feel smothered by all that texting your doing. Doesn't this set off red flags for you A? Alarms blaring?? She may do this all the time..she may be a playa..I say expect nothing..enjoy the ride while it last..
I agree Mike. it is what it is and I never thought I'd go so long without after getting married and I'd almost forgotten how good it was !!! lol
Mike - How long is the playing sensible going to last with you is what I want to know ??? If you got invited back, would you just say no and go home ?
Tim - Not sure how it plays out over there, but believe me, if your not trying to bed someone inside a couple of dates (especially if you've been in their bed twice), they will go off you pretty fast or think your weird. Most people generally sleep with people the first night these days, I did well to wait 2 days I thought !!!
Really!?? Wow, Damn I'm old or I have been out of the game way too long. Have no idea how it works over here or where you are at but it seems to me that it would be much nicer to get to know them and then move on to sex then to jump in bed first and then see if you compatable.
Sorry, showing my age here. If that is how it works then you will have to figure out but I still do not think you should limit yourself to ane women till you find the one you are compatable with.
GL
Tim
Mike - How long is the playing sensible going to last with you is what I want to know ??? If you got invited back, would you just say no and go home ?
No..I'm not saying that..I'm saying that if I got invited back then I would take it for what it's worth..It was SEX. I think you thought it may be leading elsewhere without discussing this with her..I mean it had all the makings of a one night stand..
I'm not the morality police brother..I say to each his own..You just need to have your head on straight..that's all I'm saying..
I agree with Mike again.
A, I'm not judging you or anyone else that is going out and getting some. All I am saying is I feel, and this is MHO, is that sex changes a relationship and moves it to a different level along with a deeper connection. If your in it to just get laid and thats all that both people want then it is fine. But when one is thinking its more and the other thinks its not that is when someone gets hurt. Again JMHO.
Thanks Mike, for seeing my point of view. I wanted a F*ck buddy! Maybe he thought I wanted more. Although he had acted like he wanted more. It's over now, and I am not hurt, but even though I was disapointed, it may sound funny, but it was nice to be disapointed by someone else other than H. Does that make sense at all???????
It's all fun and games till somebody gets an eye poked out..LOL
I can see why you felt that way..I'd like to have a f**Kbuddy myself..like I said as long as you have two consulting adults who know what's up then I say have at it.. I would
I've definitely been blown out and no, wouldn't of hurt my feelings GM. You say what you see and your right, I probably blew it myself a bit by coming on a bit strong. Hey, I enjoyed her company and thought it was likewise but not hurt by it. Gave me a big boost of the old confidence, got me some (andd it was 2nd date Mike, not a ONS !!!) and I'll be back out sharking this weekend !!! lol
Tim - Im same as you mate, I can't believe it myself, though I guess when you've not really been in the game throughout your dating year (mid 20s onwards) you know no different. I mean, when you 17-21, you normally don't pull to many or you have nowhere to go with them or you end up in a R as you live at home. Now your a bit older, the ladies are older and know the score and it's a different game. Should be fun really, just blooming expensive all this going out !!! LOL
Arthur, you might want to check out "Mars and Venus on a Date". It has some pretty good things in it that might be quite helpful for you know to keep in mind as you get back into dating.
As much as I would enjoy rounding the bases right now, I know that it is going to be so much better for both myself and a nice lady to work our way slowly through relationship stages over weeks or months to the point of having a deep and lasting intimacy. For me, I am still legally married and the current gal I am dating is prim and proper and is willing to wait.
I think that I parked my yacht in hair harbor with the STBXW way too early and I want to try something totally different this next time so as to not let passion control my decisions.
Hi Arthur,
I've been away for a long weekend and I'm just catching up on your sitch. Wow, a lot has happened in such a short time. In light of these changes I think I can speak freely now. I did think of you while I was away (not sure why) anyway I had this new R of yours down as very short lived (well at least you got to purge your lines) also I had STBX as softening, even turning. I think I'm right on the first part, what say you about the second ?
Lanzo
KK - Love the yacht analogy
Lan - Bang on the first part and I'll never figure it out. She did honestly seem real keen but hey, it was good to have some time with someone albeit short lived.
2nd part - I've no real idea TBH. She seemed to be softening slightly, but then not really any major dealings with her. Some on Saturday where she was asking a lot, 'telling' me a lot about solicitor, divorce stuff and just trying to bait me but I kept it to the point calmly and left. Also, I couldn't go back now anyway, my head still says it would be right for the boys, but my heart says no. I do not like her, I probably haven't for longer than I realised but stayed for the wrong reasons.
All I want right now is my own place and car, but she is currently not helping me to do the first part. I think this could all start to get messy after mediation on 20th if I'm honest.
She doesn't want me to live with her, she basically wants everything and all her own way. She has this idea in her head that just because my parents have a large enough house, I should move in there permenantly and also have the kids stay over there.
I'm being stubborn re having the boys over as it was something she suggested from day 1 as a permenant solution and it is not. Not for me, my parents or the boys so I will not do it. Yes, I'm missing over nights with my boys, but it is a sacrafice for us for the long term benefit. Others may not get that but I guess that's just a tweak of difference to my sitch.
Oh, I didn't realise I only had 14 days to dispute the divorce petition and that has passed. looks like all that has been thrown will stick, but I'm told that it's just more to have a reason and nothing ever gets filed once it's agreed with who ever. I really don't care anymore, just getting annoyed now that so much stuff, paperwork etc to do for all this and I'm rubbish at all that.
Ah well, weekend again soon !!!
Oh, I didn't realise I only had 14 days to dispute the divorce petition and that has passed. looks like all that has been thrown will stick
so does this mean the papers as filed by her will now be the way she wants?? Visitation and all??
G - She really has no clue. The other day we were talking about me getting place and her saying I couldn't afford it, then to furnish it etc. I said, well, the cost of furnishing will be as part of the settlement as you obviously want all the stuff in here which I own 50%. She said what ? Your on cloud cukoo land. I just said, yep, see ya. I mean, what does she think, I just walk away, pay maintenance and get nothing at all...proper Batchitt Crazy
No, it's means I'm not disputing her 7 or 8 reasons for unreasonable behaviour. Don't believe it makes one bit of difference in the long run and I would assume they had to send a copy to my lawyer so surely he would have contacted me.
oh, believe me, I forget about my W all the time, I just miss my boys. Only got them for a half day this weekend as they have a party at 1.45 Saturday, but TBH, it works quite well as England playing at 5.15 and I need to do a few bits and pieces. Hair cut, some shopping etc. Normally I'd be really gutted as the boys, but this weekend is for me, my birthday time, having a right old laugh with my mates (ok I do this most weekends now), but just really feel the need this weekend. I've also been invited round a friends on Sunday for a few drinks (head permitting) and then out for family meal with boys, mum, sister and kids etc so that should be nice. Really can't come quick enough !!!
Oh, I didn't realise I only had 14 days to dispute the divorce petition and that has passed. looks like all that has been thrown will stick
I think it just means that the reasons given for the breakdown of the M will be accepted by the courts. All the other details such as visitation, assests division etc still need to be agreed and ajudicated on.
Lan
G - She really has no clue. The other day we were talking about me getting place and her saying I couldn't afford it, then to furnish it etc. I said, well, the cost of furnishing will be as part of the settlement as you obviously want all the stuff in here which I own 50%. She said what ? Your on cloud cukoo land. I just said, yep, see ya. I mean, what does she think, I just walk away, pay maintenance and get nothing at all...proper Batchitt Crazy
Let me get this straight. She has the A, She does not want to work on the M and She wants everything. Wow, talk about wanting your cake, eating it and still wanting more. I'd call my Sols if I was you A and make sure he has this all under control. Better safe than sorry.
Have a good weekend, oh sh** its only Tuesday here.
Lanzo - Better put than I did
D - We are going through Mediation, next one 20th so more details will come out then. I think she will have a shock when the figures are laid out for her to see TBH as I know it will look horrible and I'm not looking forward to it.
Sols costs me a fortune and at the moment nothing at all is decided. I am taking the option of mediation first as likely to cost approx £800 and if we can agree 50% there, I look at that as saving me probably £2k. Also, mediation will be split whereas she gets legal aid so using sols only costs me, though only due to her removing herself from the joint account illegally, which I'm working on.
Don't worry, I do read all the sols letter properly and will speak to sols if it seems like it needs it. TBH, I just want to forget it all for another week and enjoy my birthday.
oh, sorry if I'm missing old friends posts. Newcomers seems to be mobbed of late so I might be missing some. ping me a request if anything I need to comment on
Arthur--Thanks for checking in on me. Sorry the hottie in the Mercedes drove on down the road, but good for you while it lasted! Glad that you got the bump in ego from her. I'm sure plenty more good stuff to come!
My W and I are in mediation, but she seems to be dragging stuff on a bit and sending mixed messages. That your W expects you to stay at your parents seems absurd. I would say that W owes you settlement for the furnishings and equity in the house if she is keeping it. You already know that though.
Happy for you and your upcoming weekend and birthday. I'm guessing you are following World Cup? I wish I had the friends you did, I could use some drinking time.
LE - I blew my friends out for my W and family and great there still there for me in my times of needs. Dig out your old friends, you'll be amazed. They are very understanding and a lot of mine have been in and out of various lengh relatinships so they sort of know the score.
OW text tonight, seems she has actually had a real [censored] time, had to make redundancies and stuff and says she will try and ring tomorrow. apologies for lack of communication. Not taking mcuh from it and going to slow it all down now anyway if she does want to see me again. I replied a while later just saying no need to apologies, sounded a nithmare, call when you get the chance.
Just back from footy, the local team were 2-0 up, pegged back to 2-2 then won on penalties. Boring game but I forgot how much I love going to the footy. Bonus that a free ticket and mate had parking at ground too.