Thanks to everyone for all the support you've shown me over the last several months while I awaited my day in court.
I won!!!
I got there very early as I knew I'd be a basket case and didn't want to feel rushed. Sat in my car, reviewed my notes and listened to my IPOD.
I saw X and daughter arrive (separately) and watched them walk in. Shortly afterwards I went in and as soon as my D saw me, she started crying. I went over to her (they were sitting together) and hugged her, told her not to cry, it would be OK and for her just to tell the truth. Then, I got up, turned to X and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." And......he looked it!!!
My A came in, I had already called her at 7:30AM to tell her that my D had to appear. She called D over and said, as long as you don't have paperwork in your hand, you do not have to testify. Then Doug's A walked in and handed her the paperwork. My A went to his A and they talked. D was allowed to leave without testifying or witnessing anything!!! My A is awesome!!!
So, the night before, I had gone over all X's documents (which were all chicken scratched on various pieces of paper and made a spreadsheet of what X said I'd paid and what he claimed to have paid. Then, I added things to my list that X had no knowledge of. It was all very neat and organized and legible. I had receipts and documentation to back up everything on my "paid" list. My A loved it!!! It boiled down to the fact that I'd paid $24K and X had paid $26K towards D's expenses.
But........most of X's payments were put on credit cards which have been turned over to collections. I made sure my A brought this out. Soooooooo, my $24K has been paid in case and X's has really paid very little. Plus, I'm co-signer on $26K student loans for our D.
The judge ruled in my favor and actually reprimanded X for not handling his money or his business very well.
More later, I'm cooking!!!
Champagne please. It is in order. And I am first!
CHEERS!
Barb
Jilly Bean:
I LOVE that your H looked ashamed! He should be!
SOrry that your D had to be upset.
But the best is that you won! Now get your money!
I am SO proud and happy for you
Barb
Great news, congratulations. I,ll have what Barbs having,cheers.
Oh, Jill. I am so happy for you - you must be relieved.....
Jill,
It's over and you'll never have to face him in court again. Heck you won't have to face him unless you so choose! I bet it feels good to have this overwith but also knowing that you were in the right.
See good things really do happen to good people!
Love,
Bethie
Thank you, everyone!!
Yes, I'm glad this part of it is over. However, there's still some things to be done, unfortunately. I still have to actually "collect" the money.
He told several lies in his testimony such as he had no interest in GF's business. Luckily, I had a newspaper article showing that he was an "investor." While he was beating his chest about how he had supported our D financially, nearly single handedly, my A brought up the fact that most of the expenses he incurred to help our D were turned over to collections because he hadn't paid them. She handled this beautifully and X was completely red faced.
The judge asked me what my financial status was and I showed him cancelled checks for things I had paid for, plus doctor bills, ER visits that were paid in full. The only thing I'd put on a card was her health insurance last week because it had to be gotten that day which my D was not aware of for some reason.
During the judge's reprimand to X, he brought out the fact that due to his irresponsibility, unwillingness to get a job, that in actuality, I had paid the bulk of our D's school obligations.
During our M, my X was always totally unemotional. I was the one that would lose it. During our testimonies, I was calm, rational and, most importantly, factual. He was sarcastic, condescending, angry, obviously back pedaling, didn't have his paperwork organized (tho he brought a ton of it), etc.
I'm proud of the fact that I typed up the sheet listing everything we had both paid and according to my A, it was the main thing the judge looked at. It was a last minute thing that I did to make it all more legible. I'm also proud of the fact that it was me that told my A to make sure it was brought out that all of the expenses he had supposedly paid had been turned over to collections for non-payment.
So, YAY ME!!!!
The bad thing about all of this is the R with my D is very strained at the moment. She feels sorry for her Dad and she's always been one to fight for the underdog. I don't know what to do or say to make this better. Sooooooooo, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Jill: I don't think there is anything you can do or say at the moment since you really did nothing wrong. And in time she will realize that too. I think you should just be the same Mom you've always been - someone she can trust. Someone who loves, respects, supports and is always there for her. Time will fix this if you don't apologize for something you didn't do.
Hang in there. This too shall pass. Your D knows the truth. But sometimes the truth hurts.
Barb
i was listening to Simon and Garfunkel today (shut it)
and
they have the best line in that Boxer song (I know shut it and their hair...siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh)
but it says
a man hears what he wants to hear
and disregards the rest
and
sometimes i think we all live that line
your daughter needs to live it for a little bit
its hard
that realization that someone you love sucks monkey assssss
(and i redeemed myself by blaring blister in the sun and driving with all my windows down and jamming down main street)
The bad thing about all of this is the R with my D is very strained at the moment. She feels sorry for her Dad and she's always been one to fight for the underdog. I don't know what to do or say to make this better. Sooooooooo, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Jilly Bean first congrats! Yes you are the winner sugar.
As for your D. Well, please dont' take it personally lovey.
She knows you are the rock, the one always there. She loves her dad, ofcoruse she does. Bless her for having empathy and such a big heart.
They go thru phases our babies, and at many ages, so I have been reading. She needs this phase right now.
Be there for you as you always are, and maybe just listen really.
She knows how you feel about what he has done, and you have every right to feel that way.
She will come around, you know mothers and daughters. We can't live with them and we can't live without them.
HUGS
I know y'all are probably right but it really hurts to feel this distance from my D.
One thing I did find out is that he's been telling her that I agreed to save 30K of the money he owed me for her college and I renegged on that promise. I never made that statement and the judge told him that even if I had agreed to it that he had no right to tell me how to spend "my" money.
I asked her if she'd ever known of me to lie and she said, "No." Then I asked if she'd ever known of her dad to lie and she said, "Yes." To me that should settle it but I guess not............
I'm going to leave her alone for however long it takes for her to work through this. But, I miss my girl and I'm so sad.
i am sorry jilly bean
that sucks
Aww baby girl.
I am so sorry, you are sad.
Jill you know how bad it feels when someone that is supposed to love you, lies to you and is not good enuff.
Sometimes when we ourselves are feeling iffy about stuff we hold on to those scraps they give us, for whatever reason.
She may be doing that now.
Eventually we knew that those scraps are not good enuff for us, nor healthy for us.
She just may be having some grieving about stuff now, and has turned in a different way when it comes to her dad for whatever reason.
You are her light sugar. Let her go thru this thing, she will always be near you.
Love you lots
Hey Queenie,
Congrats on the win in court. Sorry that things are rough with your daughter right now. Whenever things get squirrely with my boys, I keep telling myself, "This too shall pass." They really are in a tough spot, aren't they? And underneath, they know the truth. They just need time to process it.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
Spitty
Congrats, Jilly!!!
He's a spoad. He knows it, you know it, and the judge knows it too.
As for your daughter . . . you're the safe one that she can be mad at and still know she's loved. She WILL come around.
Ahhh I am just reading this I am so sorry things w/ K are difficult right now ((( jilly))) It seems when we have older kids during our D, this will happen, our kids must feel so torn- loving us both. Ugh.
I have to remind a few people, even tho they have very good intentions - that Ry loves his dad, even tho I think hes a putz and they do too, we cant possible feel how our kids feel, oddly lol they love their parents like we love ours.
I know you have a great R w/ K, its strong and loving and this is just a short phase,it will be fine, giving her some space is a good idea.
Here for you Jilly girl
Ya know, when my parents D'd. I was so mad at my bio Dad. But....I had been mad at my Mom for years for putting up with his BS. So, I really was torn. However, my Mom who had always been a SAHM (there were 4 of us and my Dad was in the military so we moved nearly every year) went out and got a decent paying job, eventually remarried a wonderful man and thrived. My Dad who had already been on his way to being an alcoholic did become a full fledged alcoholic, couldn't hold a job after he retired from the military, cheated on his new wife (she was OW) and died at 53 of a heart attack. And.....I have to admit that I did feel sorry for him. Sooooooooo, I guess I can understand where D is coming from. But, it makes me angry too because I've worked since I was 10 yrs old and at times I worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time when I was a single mom. And X could do that too but instead he does nothing and that inspires her pity????
He inspires her pity because he is the only dad she has, and she knows that he could be so much better. I think it is more disappointment than pity - but how do you express that as the offspring?
I think BH hit it right on....
Of course it does, Jilly.
She doesn't have your perspective. I get your frustration. It's a frustrating situation, but, if I may slip into DBing lingo for a second (Lord forgive me) . . .
it sounds to me like some of what your feeling is based on your expectation of what she should feel, or more that you expect her to feel as you would if you were her. You're not her and she's not you. She doesn't get the things you do, and you don't get the things she does.
And maybe she's a little afraid to tell you that, or not sure how to articulate it. I don't know. I'm really mostly probably talking out my fabled third point of contact, but these are the thoughts that came to me.
Just a thought.
He inspires her pity because he is the only dad she has
Exactly!
my SIL says the same about her dad, who had an A and left the family when she was about 17, now many many years later, she knows he is who he is, but she says, a kid just keeps hoping , that dad will come thru, this time he'll make me proud, she said most times it dosnt happen but you keep on hoping anyway and love them.
It will be ok J, before you know it , I bet you and K will be out shopping and laughing till your sides hurt!
Ok then.....we have established that she loves her Dad. (A relationship that you have tried very hard to preserve by the way)
Jill,
A lot of what their relationship is based on is what he has spoon fed her. Ok so they are lies, but he has to live with that. You know the truth. There may come a time in the not so distant future when she will want to talk this out with you. How will you handle that? I agree with everyone here. Right now she is processing and probably worrying about her Dad based on what he's told her. You have always been the "strong one" in her eyes because that's how you wanted it to be. She doesn't know what this did to you. She's probably always felt that she had to take up for her Dad to some degree, but I also remember some not so nice memories she has thanks to him. When she starts to deal with everything that has gone on there will be somethings that you couldn't protect her from, and she'll have to consider the whole package.
Don't worry you are her Mother and she loves you. I think you're doing the only thing you can. Give her space and when she wants to talk, be prepared to bare all. Something tells me she will want some pretty tough answers.
Love,
Bethie
Jill,
I'm sorry to read about your bitter sweet situation. Sending support and happy thoughts your way.
Jill,
I'm so sorry for you in terms of your D. The stuff about the kids just rips my heart out. Time will do a lot to heal the wounds.
I think it feels 'safe' for her to feel sorry for her dad, and stick up for him. You are there unconditionally...whether she disses you, whatever. He really isn't. It's a way of expressing other emotions...lump it into that one.
YOOOO Beanie!
How's it going today? You doing ok? Middles daughter was here for a couple of days and I thought about all of our latest discussions about our girls. They are tough little cookies sometimes, but maybe that part of the gene pool came from us. If that's the case we need to cut them some slack. Ya think?
Love,
Bethie
Jill,
Hello from the past.
Just been reading/catching up. Congrats on the win.
I just have to let you know, my D16 hated me for filing for the divorce and believed a lot of what her mother told her. D16 really thought I had ruined her life and her mothers. But, I stayed true to myself and finally this summer my D16 saw the light. It is almost like blinders wwere pulled off her eyes and she finally saw her mother for the person she is. Then, D16 came to talk to me and had some hard questions. A lot of them I answered by showing her court documents which don't lie. This showed D16 that I told the truth and her mother lied and manipulated her.
So, I am of the opinion that the truth will come out and your D will come around, she just needs time.
TD
TD,
Thanks for stopping by and telling me your story. I do remember when your R with your D wasn't going very well. You give me hope.
Beth, Sg, All & BH
I decided to wait for my D to call me and she's continued to call every day. I did see my C yesterday and told her what's been going on and she agreed that I'm the safe parent so D's not afraid to piss me off or hurt my feelings because I'll always be there for her and she knows it.
However, I did tell my D that I've seen to it that she has enough money to finish school "this year" and that I'm done supporting her unless she's hospitalized and can't work. I hope she understands because I mean it. She was OK with it and she will be giving me her student loan money to dole out to her as needed monthly. This was her idea. Interesting, that she doesn't trust her Dad to do this for her..............
I think that things are going to continue to happen to her Dad that will make her feel sorry for him. My Mom pointed out that he "uses" our D and it's true. An example is his coffee shop business that he put in her name so that it wouldn't get taken in his bankruptcy. I'm pretty sure that when I took him to court he ended up putting the entire business in bimbette's name so that I couldn't take it when I won.
But..........now, he's pissed me off and I will go after that business if it's the only way to get paid.
Interesting tidbit. Went to dinner with my bro last night. He and X have remained "somewhat" friends. X is giving up his U of M season basketball tickets!!! They are excellent seats. He offered them to my bro. My bro is sharing them with me!!! YIPPEE!!! That was one of the things I really missed was going to those games with my D and now I'll have the tickets if I want them!!! Soooooo, sometimes, what goes around really does come around!!!! I love my bro!!!
Hey Jill,
I just saw ex's picture in a fly fishing magazine. Oh yeah he caught a REALLY BIG FISH! What a putz!
Hey Jill,
I just saw ex's picture in a fly fishing magazine. Oh yeah he caught a REALLY BIG FISH! What a putz!
Know the feeling!!! I have to read about my X in the local newspaper for his golfing abilities. Geeze, is golfing free now????
Um Jilly Queenie Butt.
Um
Someone needs to be added somewhere already
I mean really.
Besos!
Are you kidding Bethie? omg LOL
well he should be very proud with that accomplishment!
You are just sooo jealous Bethie, you wish you could catch a fish too! baracudaaaaa
Right on, Bethie!!!
OK, more drama in Jillville. X called this AM to threaten that he was amending his tax returns for 3 yrs to prove that "he" paid for D's college, yet I claimed her and got credit for tuition......... Crimany, yes, he wrote the stinkin' checks or put it on his cc, but he took 1/2 out of the money he was to be paying me.
Interesting, since we both have the same accountant and doing it the way I did was what he advised and X agreed at the time.
Soooooooo, nearly 5 yrs post D and I still have to deal with his lieing and cheating. DUMBA$$!!!! I've already talked to my accountant and he stated that X won't do it cuz he certainly doesn't want the IRS looking into his taxes. But, my acct says I have nothing to worry about even if he does. So, there ya go.
My advice to anyone out there.....if you really want them out of your life, don't have children with them!!!!
I've soooooooo thought about telling him that she's not even his. But........she's the spittin image of him.
You can tell him she's mine, Jilly. As long as there's no child support, we've taken a vote here and I'm up for it.
My offer to poke him in the eye with a really big pointy stick still stands.
Briget & BH,
You're on!!!
Another funny thing. While he was threatening me over the phone today a cop came into the coffee shop and handed him something (prolly a summons) from a bill collector. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ya know, I really was going to just let this entire thing sit for awhile before I did anything more to collect my money but now he's pushing my buttons and I'm not feeling so nice......
Another tidbit of advice........if there's any way to do it...keep your retirement. I did and it's a pretty good one. He blew his!!!!
Hello Everyone and happy Friday!!!
X wants to negotiate. How the hell do you negotiate when you are "supposedly" broke. He wants me to give him a figure between $0 and 35K. Hmmmmmmmmm....Of course, he wants it in writing. It's all about what he wants, ya know.
Sooooo, I want him out of my life and I will think about negotiating. First, I need to talk with my A.
I don't get it. I am slow I guess because what is there to negotiate? He just wants to get away without paying for anything, is that?
Some people just piss me off!
UGH, X called me awhile ago. Wanted to meet face to face to discuss this. Needless to say, I will not meet him. But.....I said that anytime he wanted to discuss issues with our D, I'd speak with him as long as it stayed on track. We did discuss some things regarding D and it was OK. I refuse to discuss the "I said, you said" issues as it gets really nasty. I told him that if we could either talk about our D or talk about how to negotiate a deal, I'd speak with him. Also, said that as soon as he got ugly with me, I'd hang up.
Hope he gets it.
Good for you Jillybean! nooooo noooo we talk thru L right?
If hes like my ex he thinks he can sweet talk ya!
Good on only discussing D tho. Its how it should be.
Ya done good pal of mine
I guess my thought is, you already discussed it, he blew off that discussion, so you discussed it in your original divorce proceedings. You discussed it again. he blew it off again. You discussed it in court again. What more is there to discuss?
I guess my thought is, you already discussed it, he blew off that discussion, so you discussed it in your original divorce proceedings. You discussed it again. he blew it off again. You discussed it in court again. What more is there to discuss?
You got it, brother!!! But.......for our D's sake and to get him out of my life forever, if he wants to be reasonable.....I'll discuss it one more time. Cuz, I'm a nice girl like that, ya know.
BTW, I'm so sad about Dogma's thread locking. Tomorrow, I'm going to look at flat screens and I'm suffering a lot of anxiety over what to choose......and, nowhere to discuss it.....and, what's the diff between Plasma and HD. What would be the ideal size? So much to deal with...........
Wow. You just opened a can totally out of my salary range.
Wow. You just opened a can totally out of my salary range.
Actually, the one I had in my bedroom was 20 in (I think) so I just want to get a big one for in the family room and move the one that's there currently into the bedroom. MG hates having a TV in the bedroom so I just put a mask on him and then I wear earplugs and it's all good..........
See, this is how you work things out when you're a big girl!!!! I think it's called "c o m p r o m i s i n g........?" A concept X never seemed to get.
See, my sweety likes having a TV on in the bedroom too. So, I wait until she's asleep, then turn it off.
This was supposed to say EARPHONES!!!! Geeze!!!
MG hates having a TV in the bedroom so I just put a mask on him and then I wear earplugs and it's all good...
ha ha
are you like me J? I can have the tv on all night, low volume ,especially if i'm alone! makes me feel better and its great white noise!
Good Luck w/ tv hunting!
Hahaha thought for a min there Jill, you like to sit there and try to guess what people on tv were saying by reading their lips
Jill,
Daughters are that way with their fathers. But they know the truth and they still love their mom. So don't worry about that. No matter what, your daughter is her mom's daughter. Let her do what she needs to do. Eventually, you will have flowers on her birthday, a comrade in arms for all other things, and a confidante when her dad lets her down.
It's tough to go through her stupid dad's stuff. Smile through the anger. If you allow her to love her dad, she will love you that much more. I promise this to be true. I actually lived this and have this in my life. Eventually, our girls understand this better than if we actually say it to them. We have to allow them to understand it for themselves. That's how we girls are.
Isnt Happy the best??
Jill,
Daughters are that way with their fathers. But they know the truth and they still love their mom. So don't worry about that. No matter what, your daughter is her mom's daughter. Let her do what she needs to do. Eventually, you will have flowers on her birthday, a comrade in arms for all other things, and a confidante when her dad lets her down.
It's tough to go through her stupid dad's stuff. Smile through the anger. If you allow her to love her dad, she will love you that much more. I promise this to be true. I actually lived this and have this in my life. Eventually, our girls understand this better than if we actually say it to them. We have to allow them to understand it for themselves. That's how we girls are.
Happy, thank you for this. Our R has always been so easy and fun. The last year has been difficult, to say the least. We've always been confidants and best friends and I miss that R with her. I told K & SE that she was the easiest kid in the world to raise. Never gave me a second of worry. Regardless, I do know that she loves and respects me. Gosh, this sure makes me think of some difficult times with my mom!!!
I meant......confidantes....like Dogma said, lately, I can't spell worth a darn!!!
I also wanted to say that I will be weening myself away from this board. I think once we get to this stage, we don't require a lot of help/advice from the moderators. Most of our time here is when something unexpected crops up in our lives and we need input from our friends and others that post here.
Like most of you, at one time this board was a life saver for me. Most everyone was going through the same thing I was and it was so important to know that "it wasn't me." I want to thank everyone here that has added value and, especially, laughter to my life in so many ways. You know who you are. Thank you for helping me at a critical time in my life and thank you for becoming such wonderful friends. I love you bunches!!!!
Hopefully, this will be my last thread. Unless..........I get married and divorced again!!!!
Hi Jilly,
Why does X want to re-negotiate the settlement? Is it to come up with a reasonable plan for you to get your money?
I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to talk to him in person. I just do so much better for myself if I don't have to see or talk to X. But on the kid issue it is a little different.
.I said that anytime he wanted to discuss issues with our D, I'd speak with him as long as it stayed on track. We did discuss some things regarding D and it was OK.
Good for you for setting boundaries and insisting it stay on track! One reason I don't even like to talk to X is because he gets very inappropriate as soon as he can. The man has big issues with boundaries. Insisting that the convo stay on point is a good idea.
SG
Why does X want to re-negotiate the settlement? Is it to come up with a reasonable plan for you to get your money?
Uh, noooooooo......
I'm sure he thinks he can charm me to take nothing or at least attempt to guilt me into taking a lot less than he owes. Thing is, I have no desire to see or talk to him. It gives me very unpleasant/icky feelings that I can't even really describe. I'm over being mad at him and he really doesn't even generate any type of reaction from me. I have forgiven him and I've taken my share of the blame in the demise of our M. I honestly feel nothing.....
Good news is that things with my D has improved immensely since our court date. I don't know if it's relief (for her) that it's over or if it determined the truth for her. Either way, I'm back to getting several phone calls a day, loving email msgs, etc.
This is terrific news!
Good news is that things with my D has improved immensely since our court date. I don't know if it's relief (for her) that it's over or if it determined the truth for her. Either way, I'm back to getting several phone calls a day, loving email msgs, etc.
Go mom!
I know how you feel about your X (I think). I have several GFs who are in my Divorce group and they are still very angry or very heartsick over their X's. I have to admit it feels a lot better to be past that!
SG
I'm so glad J!!
seeee knew that lil K wouldnt be able to stay away from moomy too long
Hey Jillybean........
Glad things are straightened out with you and K. I can't say I blame you for never wanting to speak to the tool again. I know that feeling. Until my girls are done with school I still have to have some level of contact. I just control it to fit my mood. If he calls and I don't want to talk I just don't answer the phone. Works for me!
I hope that you can come to an agreement that you can live with and put this whole mess behind you!
Love,
Bethie
Good news is that things with my D has improved immensely since our court date. I don't know if it's relief (for her) that it's over or if it determined the truth for her. Either way, I'm back to getting several phone calls a day, loving email msgs, etc.
YAY!
Jill,
Soooo glad to hear about your daughter. Hopefully, that keeps getting better.
And as far as moving on from the board . . . that's your call. You know how to reach me if you want to, right? (Of course, there's no moderator in my email to stop me from saying and doing all those horrible things I get spanked for).
I also wanted to say that I will be weening myself away from this board. I think once we get to this stage, we don't require a lot of help/advice from the moderators. Most of our time here is when something unexpected crops up in our lives and we need input from our friends and others that post here.
Like most of you, at one time this board was a life saver for me. Most everyone was going through the same thing I was and it was so important to know that "it wasn't me." I want to thank everyone here that has added value and, especially, laughter to my life in so many ways. You know who you are. Thank you for helping me at a critical time in my life and thank you for becoming such wonderful friends. I love you bunches!!!!
Jill, you summed up much of my sentiments much better than I could. Exactly why I really don't come around these parts too often. There are a few other reasons but they're best left alone cause it would be like spitting into the wind.
No...it wasn't "you" or "me." It was our looney exes!!!! You came out of it happy, alive, thriving!!! I don't know about you but am not planning on going through another nasty divorce!!! Dan is going through "spring training" for a lonnnnnnnnngggggg time with me and I with him. That's ok by me too. We're both a little feral after so many years of flying solo and loving it.
Hopefully, this will be my last thread. Unless..........I get married and divorced again!!!!
I feel the same as you, Jill! I haven't come around as much b/c I don't have the same needs as I once did. But this bb was a lifesaver for me and a big blessing. I've made some forever friendships and that is a real blessing to me.
And don't you dare say that about you and J...you know that's going to last!
Love you, Jillybean!! But you already know that.
Keep that road trip open, Thelma.
SE
I don't know about you but am not planning on going through another nasty divorce!!! Dan is going through "spring training" for a lonnnnnnnnngggggg time with me and I with him. That's ok by me too. We're both a little feral after so many years of flying solo and loving it.
This completely doubled me over!!! MG and I have lived together for a little over a year and I'm still nowhere close to thinking about M. I like having my own stuff and I don't want to ever share my money again. Well, except I have been sharing a lot of it with my D lately...........
Love the "feral" description. That's it!!!
Love you, Jillybean!! But you already know that.
Keep that road trip open, Thelma.
SE, You're one of my favorite peeps in the world. Even if you do fall asleep whenever we talk on the phone!!! Once you get out of your current business, we will take that road trip, Louise. We'll pick up Beth and drive on out to Karen's and fight over who's going to sleep in her new guest room.
Hahhaha yea well theres the guest room, Rys room, the computer room, you can always sleep on the desk lol , living room and family room, oh and if you realllly want you can sleep in the pool, so come on down, one and all!
I'm w/ you too Jilly, I love B to pieces!! I cant believe I found him 25 yrs late! lol but am not rushing to walk down the aisle just yet, I'll know when its right, hes right now lol but he is as patient a person as they come, well about this, not about driving, turning on lights in the hotel room ect lol
Found this post in another forum but it sure seems to fit here, doncha think?
See below:
I stopped posting more than a month ago because I was just so frustrated with the board. It seemed that it became something other than a place to turn to for support and answers. The board I knew valued introspection and goal-setting. Many times the light bulb popped on over my head as I read something posted to me. Many times I did not like the answers, but I always reminded myself that if something struck a nerve I really needed to examine it all the more closely.
Lately I have noticed a disturbing trend of "do not post to me." I find this absolutely ridiculous! It is not as if there are people here who post with the sole intent of hurting someone or making their life miserable. It is as if people are only looking for the advice that they want to hear. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of this place?
And really, if you are here to blog...ugh! Get a myspace account or something. It is usually the bloggers that start deciding who can and cannot post. Agreed, if someone is offensive or purposely hurtful they should be asked to be respectful or leave. These bloggers drone on and on about their lives and then get offended when people point out inconsistencies or troubling items.
I know that the first thing that people will say is, "if you don't like a thread, don't read it or post to it." Sure, that would be fine, but don't we owe something to the newbies? Shouldn't someone be the voice of reason so that the light bulb may go off for someone else reading the thread?
There are people that have been here for years that don't seem to be any better off than the day that they came. That is not to say that if you have been around for years that you automatically fall into this category. I think that a telling clue is if all of your posts remain on your own thread. If you are not out there trying to help others or posting to people that may be experiencing something you have already experienced, perhaps there is a character issue you need to deal with. Are you selfish? Is your self-esteem so low that you don't think you have anything to offer? Either of these two things could be a major reason your relationship is not going so well! And, maybe, just maybe the person who is pointing this out to you is not trying to hurt you but is trying to help you!
If you have been on this board for months or even years moaning and complaining about the same old things, maybe negativity is a major issue for you. I for one think that pointing out to someone how negative they sound is meant to help. I have refrained from writing what I was really thinking- "How can anyone stand to be around you... you are so negative and such a downer!" and tried to wrap it in a nicer package, but I have yet to see a person like that take into consideration that how they sound on here may be mirrored in their "real" life.
I totally understand that many of these people are depressed and need a gentle hand. But, at what point does the gentle hand become the enabling hand? Anyone who has been here for a length of time will tell you that it is nice to be given hope right off the bat. And, there is nothing wrong with that. But the same things that got you into the mess you are in will keep you there if you don't learn from them. And grow. And, God forbid, change.
Yeah, it is overwhelming to think that not only is your relationship in a bad place, but now you have to take some responsibility for it... ugh! However well-intentioned your actions, perhaps they are hurting more than helping. And the kind people of this board are here to read and to ponder and to point things out. Maybe they will misconstrue something. We're all human. But, maybe you need to work on your own communication skills, too.
If you have asked people not to post to you, I implore you to reconsider. The things that get under your skin may be the very things that you have needed someone to tell you. We all need the friend who will tell us about the spinach in our teeth, you know.
It is just so frustrating to see people mired in the same old muck for so long! And this new thing in which people are asked not to post.... is it the worst or what? If you can't handle a few typed sentences, how in the world do you cope with life? And, maybe, just maybe, don't you see that hiding your head in the sand is perhaps something that needs to be fixed about you?
So it seems that it's not just this forum where this is happening..........
Bravo, Bravo !! to whoever wrote t his post! Its excellent and very very true. I know for a fact that back in the day, the post that seemed harsh the first time I read it, was in reality the absolute most sage, on target advice I got! and I am so very thankful for the poster who took the time and cared enough to post.
I appreciated the cheers and hugs too but to helpe me propel forward it was those posts.
Thanks for sharing Jilly bean and with that I bid you a goodnight
Jill,
These are the exact feelings I have about posting. I am in such a better place than I was about three years ago at this very time, when making my bed was exhausting, much less doing well at work.
I stopped seeing a "therapist" because we went over the same sh*t every week to the tune of $185! Although she brought up some good stuff, and helped me to see some things differently,
I told her "I was tired of the LIFESTYLE". I bailed on medications for the same reason. (Now it's just beer and Chardonnay!)
Our spouses bailed. Period. They showed us and our kids:
1. Relationships are disposable, even those where you vow to stay throught thick and thin. Glad I didn't have this kind of relationships in Iraq!
2. When things get hard, quit.
3. It's OK to have an affair if it makes you....."happy". I heard this twice from my D16 about how Smarmylawyerboss makes "mom happy". I can guarantee it didn't come from D16.
4. "Happiness" whatever that means, comes from someone else supplying it to you.
Even I have begun to post less these days. I have some free time today, because it is staff development day at school, so no kids are here.
If you don't come back to these parts for a while, thnaks so much for your support through my time in Iraq and when I came back to the same mess I left.
Love ya'
FLTC
Heh...yeah feral pretty much describes both mine and Dan's sitch.
Honestly, don't you just love having your own stuff? And the money sharing...no way unless there is an agreement in place, in writing, about who is responsible for what in terms of $$$$. I'm nowhere near rich but there's a little thing called accountability and independence. That's too precious to give up!
Sorry to read about your D and the money thing. She's got the bestest mom though!!!!
Cool you re-posted this. This IS one of the reasons I just disappeared for stretches at a time. It just did nothing for my mental attitude to see that kind of stuff.
Found this post in another forum but it sure seems to fit here, doncha think?
See below:
I stopped posting more than a month ago because I was just so frustrated with the board. It seemed that it became something other than a place to turn to for support and answers. The board I knew valued introspection and goal-setting. Many times the light bulb popped on over my head as I read something posted to me. Many times I did not like the answers, but I always reminded myself that if something struck a nerve I really needed to examine it all the more closely.
Lately I have noticed a disturbing trend of "do not post to me." I find this absolutely ridiculous! It is not as if there are people here who post with the sole intent of hurting someone or making their life miserable. It is as if people are only looking for the advice that they want to hear. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of this place?
And really, if you are here to blog...ugh! Get a myspace account or something. It is usually the bloggers that start deciding who can and cannot post. Agreed, if someone is offensive or purposely hurtful they should be asked to be respectful or leave. These bloggers drone on and on about their lives and then get offended when people point out inconsistencies or troubling items.
I know that the first thing that people will say is, "if you don't like a thread, don't read it or post to it." Sure, that would be fine, but don't we owe something to the newbies? Shouldn't someone be the voice of reason so that the light bulb may go off for someone else reading the thread?
There are people that have been here for years that don't seem to be any better off than the day that they came. That is not to say that if you have been around for years that you automatically fall into this category. I think that a telling clue is if all of your posts remain on your own thread. If you are not out there trying to help others or posting to people that may be experiencing something you have already experienced, perhaps there is a character issue you need to deal with. Are you selfish? Is your self-esteem so low that you don't think you have anything to offer? Either of these two things could be a major reason your relationship is not going so well! And, maybe, just maybe the person who is pointing this out to you is not trying to hurt you but is trying to help you!
If you have been on this board for months or even years moaning and complaining about the same old things, maybe negativity is a major issue for you. I for one think that pointing out to someone how negative they sound is meant to help. I have refrained from writing what I was really thinking- "How can anyone stand to be around you... you are so negative and such a downer!" and tried to wrap it in a nicer package, but I have yet to see a person like that take into consideration that how they sound on here may be mirrored in their "real" life.
I totally understand that many of these people are depressed and need a gentle hand. But, at what point does the gentle hand become the enabling hand? Anyone who has been here for a length of time will tell you that it is nice to be given hope right off the bat. And, there is nothing wrong with that. But the same things that got you into the mess you are in will keep you there if you don't learn from them. And grow. And, God forbid, change.
Yeah, it is overwhelming to think that not only is your relationship in a bad place, but now you have to take some responsibility for it... ugh! However well-intentioned your actions, perhaps they are hurting more than helping. And the kind people of this board are here to read and to ponder and to point things out. Maybe they will misconstrue something. We're all human. But, maybe you need to work on your own communication skills, too.
If you have asked people not to post to you, I implore you to reconsider. The things that get under your skin may be the very things that you have needed someone to tell you. We all need the friend who will tell us about the spinach in our teeth, you know.
It is just so frustrating to see people mired in the same old muck for so long! And this new thing in which people are asked not to post.... is it the worst or what? If you can't handle a few typed sentences, how in the world do you cope with life? And, maybe, just maybe, don't you see that hiding your head in the sand is perhaps something that needs to be fixed about you? So it seems that it's not just this forum where this is happening..........
HELLO!!! I didn't write this did I? The trouble is that the person that would benefit the most from this wouldn't listen to this advice anyway. Let's just keep on keepin' on!
What a wonderful post! And I KNOW whose thread they've been reading, even if this was posted under another forum. NOBODY can continue to post the same ol same ol dribble daily and go on about GAL when they were only married for a fraction of their life. No sir - they've got MAJOR ISSUES. And the trouble is - they come across as intelligent and newbies trust them. That is the scariest part for me.
I did NOT like some of the advice given to me throughout the years but BOY - most of it was dead on. Because who would bother to post to me if they didn't have anything to say. And it is so much easier to look at someone when you're not in their shoes. I made mistakes. I learned. And I tried the advice. But NEVER did I ever in 7 years post'
"DO NOT POST TO ME". This is ridiculous. And SO childish.
This is a public bb. It is not meant to be a place to blog or to influence others regarding our political or religious views. That is not to say you can't say "God Bless America" - which contains both a religious and political statement (I am Canadian by the way) but you shouldn't go on about the candidates or why your church is better (IN MY OPINION).
When you have to start your thread with "now what will I talk about today?". When you drone on about your imaginary baby and your imaginary boyfriend when you've made no progress on that in 6 years - you are STUCK and need far more counselling than this bb can offer.
The sad part is that the moderator allows this garbage to continue. New men to get sucked into the web this black widow weaves and all the good people here end up leaving because the mood has focussed on the offender. I just wish everyone on the bb would hit IGNORE but I find we don't because we try to help those who don't know any better.
This was an awesome post to print here, Jill. Thanks for taking the time!
Barb
OK, for my own well being, I have to leave this site. I find that I'm spending way too much thought on things that really should not affect my life in any way.
I hate what this has turned into and I also hate that I've contributed to any of it. It's not who I am. I'm supposed to be the fun one. The happy one. I let a person get under my skin that really has taken me on a tangent that I no longer wish to participate in. The only way to stop it is to leave and concentrate on what's really important which is myself, friends and family.