If anyone really cares, my previous thread is here:
The Mambo Craze (13)It ended with me going to a status conference with the judge and ending up having the divorce decreed right then and there. W cried, held my hand while we were waiting, hugged me tight, but still went through with it. She wanted me to call when I was ready so that we could be friends. I told her it'd be a long time, probably never. We said goodbye.
She called me the next morning. I ignored the call. She left a message saying she thought she saw one of the cats over there and wanted to make sure they were okay. Sleeve-tugging has been her mode of operating - another example? I'm glad I didn't bite.
Work is crappy. I'm taking the fall for some things and getting a type of demotion. Maybe it's better, I'm not sure yet. I'll go along and see how things work, and if it doesn't work for me or my pay is cut, I'm outta there.
All this has swirled around in the last few days to shove me towards closure. Also to re-examine who I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm headed. How sad that I don't have a better idea - it's time to figure it out.
Thread title is from a Nine Days' song. Here's a great lipsync a bunch of
college kids did to it on youtube. Here's the lyrics:
You could be waiting for a day that won't come,
And you could be so much more than you've become.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
But you could be waiting for a day that won't come...
You could be waiting for your life to begin,
And you could be so much more than you've been.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
You could be waiting for your life to begin,
And it's so sad,
You're so good and I'm so bad!
But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had.
And it's such a shame,
That I can't tell you anything!
You won't hear me still you endear me now!...
Hard to see the window facing forward looking back,
Over years spent tracing wondering how you left your track.
Underwater breathing burns your lungs and breaks your back,
And you could be waiting right here for a day that won't come...
And it's so sad,
You're so good and I'm so bad!
But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had!
And it's such a shame,
That I can't tell you anything!
You won't hear me still you endear me now!...
You could be waiting for your life to begin,
And you could be so much more than you've been.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
But you could be waiting for your life to begin...
And it's so sad,
You're so good and I'm so bad!
But you won't see me wasting the best thing I've ever had!
And it's such a shame,
That I can't tell you anything!
You won't hear me still you endear me now...
Still you endear me now!...
Hi lodo,
This song spoke to me as well, si much so that it's in my playlist.
Hope you're doing ok. You certainly have a lot going on. I know that when I was where you are I had a hard time keeping focused. I was lucky in that others including my boss carried me through. It'll come back lodo it just takes time. Look at the bright side, maybe right now this will ease some stress.
Love,
bethie
Thanks bethie - you forgot your drink! How unlike you ....
Here, take this irish coffee, it's still early where I'm at.
Man you west coast people need some toughening up!
(do I have a reptutation for trying to beat people out when it comes to the first drink?)
Man you west coast people need some toughening up!
do you mean irish coffee is a waste of good whiskey and good coffee at the same time?
Okay, here's a whiskey straight up!
ummmmmmmm
i want a baileys and coffee please!!!
Office politics...HATE IT! Why can't everyone just be honest and quit the fingerpointing while they try to save their own rears?? I am sorry that this is going on too. I think it is time for you to visit home and then I might even get to meet you, only condition is you have to bring the robe!! lol
You probably don't even feel like you belong in the Midwest anymore but I tell you there is something about home that helps you get your bearings. The world seems to slow down. Give it some thought ok?
kat
No, the midwest is not for me. I definitely don't belong there. Going back there makes me feel like I'm suffocating, so there are no bearings to be had. My bearings are found in a hike through the mountains or a trip to the coast. Not a dinner out at Applebee's with my father.
My path has never been standard nor understood. I think of something Joseph Campbell wrote in the fourth volume of "The Masks of God." He said:
"For those who can still contrive to live within the fold of a traditional mythology of some kind, protection is still afforded against the dangers of an individual life; and for many the possibility of adhering in this way to established formula is a birthright they rightly cherish, since it will contribute meaning and nobility to their unadventured lives, from birth to marriage and its duties and, with the gradual failure of powers, a peaceful passage of the last gate. For, as the psalmist sings, 'Steadfast love surrounds him who trusts in the Lord'; and to those for whom such protection seems a prospect worthy of all sacrifice, an orthodox mythology will afford both the patterns and the sentiments of a lifetime of good repute. However, by those to whom such living would be not life, but anticipated death, the circumvallating mountains that to others appear to be of stone are recognized as of the mist of dream, and precisely between their God and Devil, heaven and hell, white and black, the man of heart walks through. Out beyond those walls, in the uncharted forest night, where the terrible wind of God blows directly on the questing undefended soul, tangled ways may lead to madness. They may also lead, however, as one of the greatest poets of the Middle Ages tells, to 'all those things that go to make heaven and earth.'"
I am a questing soul, but I've never left the path, so have found comfort neither in the patterns of traditional orthodoxy nor the vacillations of creative abandon. I've sunk into the cushiony pillows of the unexamined, anticipated life. I've been looking at those surrounding mountains too long to not trek out now and see if they really are of stone, or just the mist of dreams.
I once believed in the institution of marriage. But no more. All I can trust in is the stuff of life and what can be made of it. And I suppose this is how my XW feels; I'll give her that, because I understand.
[violins swell, lodo rides off into the sunset, alone ....]
It must be really late at night because the posts are getting really inscrutable. Just twist your ankle on one of those mountains and you'll remember what it means to be made of stone.
Perhaps you have not yet played enough wordtwist.
lol - you're right! I better get back in there and try to keep from getting my a$$ beat by a floridian!
Hi lodo!
No, the midwest is not for me. I definitely don't belong there. Going back there makes me feel like I'm suffocating, so there are no bearings to be had.
I have been here 10 years now... And yes, your description is well on point! And no I will not be here 10 years from now!
I am a questing soul, but I've never left the path, so have found comfort neither in the patterns of traditional orthodoxy nor the vacillations of creative abandon. I've sunk into the cushiony pillows of the unexamined, anticipated life. I've been looking at those surrounding mountains too long to not trek out now and see if they really are of stone, or just the mist of dreams.
Wouldn't life be wonderful if we were content with the mundane... I envy those that are content b/c they expect so little out of life. Do you know that I know people that have never seen an ocean - and it doesn't matter to them... Ignorance or perhaps assumptions of what is - is bliss... Knowledge engenders a sense of discontent...
So the true mechanism to bliss - is a lobotomy.
Okay after a few drinks (the equivalent of a lobotomy) - I lack the ability to absorb the wisdom of your post or comment in any sense that does anyone justice. I hope you will see fit to indulge my current state of mind.
I once believed in the institution of marriage. But no more.
The institution of M was originally established you know for all that inheritance maintain order in society reasons. Now it is about love and companionship - which really complicates it all!
Do you think this whole I love you but am not in love with you business was relevant 20 years ago?
As I read your story - I vacillated between seeing myself in your xw and seeing The X in your xw... I don't know what the definition of marriage is anymore. Not so sure I believe in marriage. I married The X as quickly as I did b/c he needed a green card to immigrate from Germany.
That being said - there is a part of me that refuses to give up on the concept of a that special something that goes beyond friendship and means more than a piece of paper.
take care,
AG
& you look so amazingly sexy riding off into the sunset.
Oh, & thanks for getting me hooked on word twist. Since I stink at it. Thanks for keeping an eye on me.
Hugs
Hey, lodo, there's no way you can ride off into the sunset. You're already on the west coast, there's no where left to ride!
Anyone remember Gallagher the comedian? he had a skit about people that went west.
Don't go slamming the midwest either or you'll have more houseguests than you can accommodate! Can't stay long though, too much concrete in your area.
I want to know if there is a special wordtwist dictionary or if they just make up words?
Hi there, When I first read "I once believed in the institution of marriage. But no more." I felt really sad, for a nano second!! But if I'm truthful, I feel the same way. Now I feel sad about that. I hope you (and I) don't always feel that way. But maybe AG has a point, this love thing complicates it too much. IDK, hope you have a better day.
Lyn
lodo & Lyn,
You are both at the most vulnerable period in this journey. I so understand your vulnerability and your questioning. What you are feeling, and how you are viewing life at this point is very different than what you will KNOW 5 years out. Please think about what I am saying. Oh sure, there are some people who probably will never be happy, but they were probably never ever happy with their life even before their spouse walked out. Some people spend their whole life restless and searching, never knowing true contentment. Surround yourself with people who matter. People who will bring you up when you're down and be a soft place to fall when you need one.
Lodo, you married your wife for all of the right reasons. You married her for love. Just because the love that was given to her was not cherished and nutured does not mean love for you is not meant to be. Putting yourself back out there takes time. Right now, it's scary. What I do want you to know is that as time goes on the fear fades, the pain fades, and we start to live again. Unfortantely the only other alternative is a self-centered life.
The worst thing that can happen to any of us is to cut ourselves off and become bitter. Money means nothing if you don't have someone to love and to share the joys in life with. Believe me, I wouldn't have said this 5 years ago, but I also would never want to be that same sad and defeated person. People who stay stuck, are very unhappy people. Oh I know they try to paint a rosy picture, but it's really nothing more then smoke and mirrors. If you still want to find yourself at the top of a mountain, or at the edge of the ocean, then that tells me you still want to be a part of something greater.
From what you've written I know that you are a pretty sincere and lving man. Just by the way you handle your situation makes that very clear to see. As far as your pain goes feel it, heal it and move on. Maybe I'm just one of those people that should choose the lobotomy since I would rather choose to live an unselfish life with joy and love.
Now it sounds to me like you have been challenged by Smartcookie. I don't know about you but she sounds pretty confident to me....good luck with this one!
Love,
Bethie
Hey AG - I know the dilemma re: knowledge. It's the same for me with work. The more I strive to make gains, the more hours I end up working. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just ditch it all and find a job that isn't so involving, so I can go in, do my thing, and come home to pour my passion into something really close to me, something creative. But so far, that hasn't happened.
What is it to be content? Is anyone really ever content? I see people that I would say were content, but you never know.
cookie - don't thank me! Sara's the one that got me hooked!
WCW - I knew you'd yell at me. I'm not knocking THE midwest, I'm knocking MY midwest. There are a lot of bad memories in that place. But there isn't that much concrete where I'm at - lots of green space, lots of horses. And I don't know about the wordtwist dictionary - a lot of pretty basic words seem to be missing and then i just randomly type letters and it scores!
Lyn - when I wrote that I don't believe in the institution of marriage, what I meant was the INSTITUTION - the thing you assume will always be there. Now I know that you can never take a relationship for granted but must work on it all the time. I'm divorced in part because I was on auto-pilot.
Well, fall is upon us! Squash, garlic, potatoes, braising greens, and green beans in my veggie box this AM. It's cool outside - enough for jeans and long sleeved shirt. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my coffee and then head up to the coast ranges to go wander about. Better for me to do my rambling outside than on the computer! Have a great day everyone.
lodo
Bethie, I just saw your post - we must have posted at the same time.
Thank you so much for those words. you're right, I'm feeling defeated right now. Not so sad anymore - the D was great at slamming me towards closure - but definitely feeling defeated. And unsure of what happens next, though I'll put a brave and confident face on and go forward.
Sometimes what's hard about making choices isn't the choice itself, but the decision to make the choice. I find the D has spilled over into everything else so that now I really need to define who I am, not to others but to myself. I guess it feels a bit like I'm at the base of a mountain and the journey up seems daunting. I know I can do it but I need to start.
Okay, lots to think about, need to be patient, need to focus more on what brings joy and leave the rest behind.
Thanks again Bethie. lodo
Lyn - when I wrote that I don't believe in the institution of marriage, what I meant was the INSTITUTION - the thing you assume will always be there. Now I know that you can never take a relationship for granted but must work on it all the time. I'm divorced in part because I was on auto-pilot.
lodo,
I think you spot on; you do need to work on your M continuously. I am glad to see you take responsibility for your part. In the end, it was not your lack of being the perfect H that killed your M. You were willing to work on your M; right? It was your W having an A and Ding you that killed it. I have always said, "It took both of us to get our M to the low point it was at. It took her walking away to end it."
I will leave you with a silly quote about marriage being an institution:
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" - Groucho Marx
Take Care,
RMG
Hey lodo:
I am glad you are able to set boundaries with xw - i.e. the phone call. During my own D mess, The X was a carpet bomber and use to move in an out the last 2 years of my M - lost count how many times - definitely over 7 times w/ 4 major bombs. I had told The X that I was willing to talk about working on our M until the day the D was legal. Mine became legal on the day it was signed at a status conference. I have not spoken to him since. At first there is a void - but as far as I was concerned - The X was the past and I needed to make it so and that worked for me.
Work is crappy. I'm taking the fall for some things and getting a type of demotion. Maybe it's better, I'm not sure yet. I'll go along and see how things work, and if it doesn't work for me or my pay is cut, I'm outta there.
I went through a similar phase with respect to work. It takes efffort to put an R first over work. It is even more work doing that when an R is crumbling. It took its toll on my work. My work was not as great as usual and well playing politics right is often more important than the substance of your work. Sometimes people that may have never been on your side leverage that you were off a little to make you the fall guy. Normal people give other people a break when they know they are going through a tough time.
Go easy on yourself. Let go of what might have been if you had had the right state of mind to excel at work during the M crumble period. This is a new beginning for you - you will make it all come together in a way that works for you.
All this has swirled around in the last few days to shove me towards closure. Also to re-examine who I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm headed. How sad that I don't have a better idea - it's time to figure it out.
.
.
.
I'm feeling defeated right now. Not so sad anymore - the D was great at slamming me towards closure - but definitely feeling defeated. And unsure of what happens next, though I'll put a brave and confident face on and go forward.
Sometimes what's hard about making choices isn't the choice itself, but the decision to make the choice. I find the D has spilled over into everything else so that now I really need to define who I am, not to others but to myself. I guess it feels a bit like I'm at the base of a mountain and the journey up seems daunting. I know I can do it but I need to start.
You are fine. This is normal. I thought that surviving the big D was just about getting over The X. But really the whole M infrastructure is gone - the hopes and dreams you had while you were M are gone.
So you have to start slowly thinking about what you want to do and where you want to go. I felt very lost and directionless - well you know how I need to see a path!
You will find a path - you ponder/experiment with different options and eventually find one that feels right again.
Someone wise posted to me that it is okay to not always clearly see a path... Give yourself time - you will get up that mountain. Don't look at the top of the mountain - just the next step in your hike to the top. You will see the trail as you ascend.
Please take it easy on yourself for a little while. Offload all that you can and do the minimum when it comes to the angst stuff. And be kind to yourself - do some things that help you recover b/c you deserve it.
take care,
AG
In the end, it was not your lack of being the perfect H that killed your M. You were willing to work on your M; right? It was your W having an A and Ding you that killed it. I have always said, "It took both of us to get our M to the low point it was at. It took her walking away to end it."
Thanks for this RMG.
AG - thanks for all the confidence boosters. I need them!
What I think is hardest right now is the XW and I work in the same place. She is extremely adept at suppressing her emotional side to concentrate on work - he11 she's been doing that for the last 8 months! She's also a very social person, in that surface, small-talk way. Which is great - she's nice, beautiful, and extremely smart. Fun to be around. Of course, you don't find out she's non-empathetic and emotionally stunted until you really get to know her.
But, my point is, she's coming out of this as the golden girl. Success after success in the eyes of our co-workers. And this has been happening since the day she moved out. Meanwhile I've been a wreck. It's okay, I'm getting over all that now, but I hate feeling put in a position of comparison. I feel like people are saying, "I can see why she D'ed him." And maybe that's just my state right now, I don't know. And it'd probably be better if I went somewhere else. Eventually.
Thinking aloud, but I do need to rein in that inner voice that has been awfully critical these past few months and remind it that there are a lot more positive topics it could be running through my head.
thanks for your thoughts
lodo
She is extremely adept at suppressing her emotional side to concentrate on work
I am guessing she is great at suppressing emotions in all aspects of her life. Its probably how she functions in everyday life.
I also grapple with people thinking that I was 'worthy' of this divorce, that I was so horrible, so cold, so unloving that H had no other choice but to get out while he was still alive.
We both know that's not true. You and me are good peeps. Actually your W and my H are good people too, that's why we love them.
But, my point is, she's coming out of this as the golden girl. Success after success in the eyes of our co-workers. And this has been happening since the day she moved out. Meanwhile I've been a wreck. It's okay, I'm getting over all that now, but I hate feeling put in a position of comparison. I feel like people are saying, "I can see why she D'ed him." And maybe that's just my state right now, I don't know. And it'd probably be better if I went somewhere else. Eventually.
lodo
Hmm, maybe it's b/c I'm a woman or weird or something, but when I hear this I think there's something wrong with her!!! I think maybe that shows her lack of empathy and emotionality that she can be such a shining person at work during such a difficult time. I was a complete and total emotional mess at the end of last year/beginning of this year and still have my occasional tough moments and I think most of us are that way. It's part of being a caring, committed person. Which you obviously are... Karen
But, my point is, she's coming out of this as the golden girl. Success after success in the eyes of our co-workers. And this has been happening since the day she moved out. Meanwhile I've been a wreck. It's okay, I'm getting over all that now, but I hate feeling put in a position of comparison. I feel like people are saying, "I can see why she D'ed him." And maybe that's just my state right now, I don't know. And it'd probably be better if I went somewhere else. Eventually.
Thinking aloud, but I do need to rein in that inner voice that has been awfully critical these past few months and remind it that there are a lot more positive topics it could be running through my head.
lodo,
I had TONS of problems with that at first. I kept REPLAYING all the sh!t my exW said over and over and over and over. I kept thinking... What IF she IS right? I made myself crazy!!!
When the dust settled and I was in a more lucid state, I did look at myself at a deeper level. I saw more of my flaws as a H. I realized almost all of what she said was intended to push me away and hurt me. She was NOT honestly sharing her feelings. I really think she was feeling so much pain she thought pushing me away was the solution...
I have a suggestion for you. When you get into that state of "I can see why she D'ed him."...... I want you to do something to change your state of mind.... Have something else positive you picked to think about to get you out of it. I would imagine my new wife and I having a romantic dinner at my favorite restaurant overlooking the city.... I would imagine what she would be wearing..... I would think about the engaging conversation we would have..... I would think about she and I cuddling in the car as we drive home.... I would imagine exploring her body with my tongue... I would ponder all of things we do all night...
This created some very strong emotions for me...
In the end, what I would humbly suggest is faking it until you make it... Act happy.... It sounds crazy..... But, it works..... The funny thing is when I was in the lowest valleys, I would do this.... It is interesting to see how people react to you.... Happy people send out attractive vibes......
Take Care,
RMG
Thanks RMG - it's really helpful to hear your comments. I hope you saw my last note too. I appreciate getting perspective from those who've had to get through this cr*p.
Tone it down on the tongue descriptions, though. Some of us are still in the Sex-Starved and Separated Forum, and, well, let's just say that ficus tree in the corner is starting to look pretty good!
Hi Lodo -
You do indeed need to silence that inner voice over time that keeps making you ponder what went wrong. You have already answered that - your W is just not strong enough to work through problems in an M. Dont worry about her anymore or how well she is doing. There was nothing you could have done to change her mind. You have to let her go - start thinking of your life ahead. If you have to, listen to this a few times to build up your motivation...
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/286684/rocky_1/I know for a fact that there are lots of ladies out there that will love you for who you are for the rest of their lives.
Okay lodo - (warning very long post) here is a The X's life post-D...
The X:
> He was with the same company. Very very smart - rising star technically. He is s German electrical engineer that specializes in software. And he epitomizes the German engineering standard. Just before our D - he was able to bring in work from a different branch of the company - which saved jobs at his place - all this while I was struggling b/c of the carpet bombing thing.
> He started and completed an executive MBA at Northwestern after our D.
> Continued to travel - went to Egypt shortly after our D.
> Just googled him yesterday. He has really moved up two levels in management
> He is remarried - married another Indian.
Really looks so sane and wonderful life on the outside.
What do I know about The X. He suffers from depression. I know no matter what he has he is not happy. I know he sleeps a lot on weekends b/c of the depression. He gets angry if you want to do something - he is always tired. He is terrified of what other people think of him - so needs to craft a paletable image at all times. The X always needed the world to think we were a happy couple - even when our M was crumbling. Image was everything to him. Image is what he used to cover up lack of substance. We lived with elephants in the living room - but when we went out - no one knew... He continued that after our D. He was in a 10 year R before me. He repeated the same pattern with me that he had with her. He will repeat the same pattern with his W. I know after his R with LTR before me - he shut out all emotional stuff about her - except anger. He stuffed it and showed nothing. At the same time - we never went to their favorite restaurants or stores. I am sure he is even more limited now - if he is avoiding everywhere we went!
Me on the other hand cares about Substance over Image...
> After The X moved back in after bomb #3 - I was laid off from large patent boutique. It was my fault - I was much more reactive and said something politically unpaletable to a partner. They needed to cut back - I gave them what they needed to justify letting me go. They informed me that they had "accepted my resignation" the next Monday. No - I did not resign. LOL!
> I struggled for months to find another job. And landed a job with a large firm breakaway firm - The Nutty Partner. The X dropped bomb #4 on my first day at work. The Nutty Partner fired me w/in a year b/c he thought I was trying to steal his clients. Perhaps I could have been more politically savvy... My D was final the day the political brown stuff hit the fan... and I was let go 3 weeks later. I felt like a failure. Also b/c I knew I was behind on my work b/c well I was going through a D ... I felt like I deserved it.
> I struggled to find a job - economy on its way down. I finallly found a job with a large general practice firm based out of Indiana. I was becoming a grown up attorney - it was purely political. This was 2-3 years post D - I was stronger. I walked out and started my own firm. Substance was getting better - and it showed in my image.
I suppose 5 years post-D I am in a place where my post-D professional image is on par with The X's post-D professional image - but you know what is ironic - it just doesn't matter anymore...
And the other thing is after my D - I was afraid of what people thought and assumed the worst. Now 5 years post-D I am realizing my real friends supported me and believed in me through the good and the bad. I was wrong to not give them the benefit of the doubt.
Hang in there lodo. Don't assume that people are thinking the worst about you. The people that know you know better. Define yourself by what the people that believe in you say. There will always be people that are ready to believe the worst - do not define yourself by their words. It may even be jealousy. You have so much going for you - I am sure there are people that are all too happy to say that there may be something wrong with you!
I know easier said than done... This is all very recent and raw. Give yourself time to process it all. And if this work place is not working for you - and maybe you need a fresh start. Start looking for another job. Forgive yourself if you slipped a little or even a lot at work. I have been there - every single one of my friends have been there. If you need to take another incomplete - do it. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that this is a rough time and you need to go easy on yourself. It is okay. You are okay.
take care,
AG
Correction in last post: I wrote I walked away I was set up and by Indiana law firm and fired for political reasons.
That is when I started my own firm 3 years ago.
You will be fine - give yourself permission to be human.
take care,
AG
thanks everyone - wow, tons of great support and advice. I appreciate it!
Lots to think about and digest.
While I'm off doing that, check out this hilarious video about a relationship as viral marketing, called Goodbye Mary:
http://www.slatev.com/player.html?id=1784543751
Hey lodo!
Are you all caught up with school and work?
OR
Are you having at least some fun while procrastinating - i.e. cooking, running, hiking, etc. ?
As for that prepared food thing - Trader Joe's has a lot of frozen prepared stuff that is healthy, tasty and available in relatively smaller portions. And all the local stores seem to carry pre-marinated fish, chicken, meat etc. A new Whole Foods just opened just 5 minutes away from my house - that is my new favorite food place.
I am not asking about D stuff in case you don't want to talk about it right now - but if you want to - we are all here for you.
take care,
AG
hey ag,
I'm afraid I'm far from caught up. Still have 2 papers to write to finish off my incompletes. Then I'll be free to focus on my thesis, which is now months behind. Also have to prepare a presentation for a conference - I don't know what I was thinking when I submitted the proposal but it's going to take some time to pull together.
Had meeting with supervisor yesterday and that went well, so work at least is a little calmer. My exercise regime has fallen a bit by the wayside, though. Need to get back into my routines.
D stuff - it is what it is. It's over, so no use looking back. Need to concentrate on stabilizing and making my life the best that it can be. Thanks for asking.
lol - you must know my saturday food routine. I get up early, go to the farmer's market to pick up my box of veggies, go to Whole Foods to get my fave petite syrah, some nice cheeses, and a few other things i can't live without. Then it's off to Trader Joe's for more things I can't live without. And finally safeway for the regular stuff.
I like whole foods too, but it's really expensive - at least out here. I used to do all my shopping there, but now I'm pretty selective about what I get where.
playing hookie today - woke up feeling drained and I've got an amazing amount of sick leave built up so decided to use some of it. Just don't tell anyone!
lodo
With all that you have had going on, I am surprised you haven't done that more often. Good for you. I think I may need to arrange for a few personal days. I have 9 days of vacation to use still and I can't afford to really go anywhere, so I will have to eat it up somehow.
Do you want to get Death at a Funeral? I was trying to find a movie that maybe wasn't mainstream to watch. Let me know. Hugs my friend.
kat
Hey kat,
I just watched "Death" a few weeks ago, so you guys go ahead without me. It's pretty funny!
Did you ever watch Dan in Real Life?
Well lodo...
I don't know much about you!
So tell me about your heritage and upbringing.
And what is the name of your fave petit syrah? I am in the process of discovering syrah's.
take care,
AG
Hi Handsome !
What is syrah?
I'm looking for balance. Thanks for watching over me, & your comments. You bring a sense of calm with you.
I'm thinking of going to the dollar store, buying a bunch of old glasses & china, then going into the boonies, & throwing glasses til my arms hurt.
Whatcha think ??
I also used to take a BB bat & go out & smash cactus. We have tons of it here. Imagine that.
Big Hugs
Wow, cookie - you need to stop by my thread and call me that more often. I like that!
Syrah is just a type of red wine that is usually a little spicier. I think CA and Australia are the main areas where it's from. The petite syrah that is my fave is called Block no.45. It's my fave not necessarily because it's the best - I'm sure a $100 bottle would be fabulous - but because it tastes great for the price. It's an all-around good table wine that doesn't cost too much.
I think smashing things you aren't supposed to smash is fun! When I lived in the SW, we used to go to the town dump and shoot things. That was fun. or rolling empty whiskey bottles off the edge of canyons and listening to them shatter. Even better, getting really big boulders to roll off the edge of canyons. Geeso, cookie, they don't really have any laws where you're at, do they? You could really take out some aggression.
Don't take it out on the poor cactus though. I like cactus, and they take forever to grow. Besides, all you get is a smooshy thump. Much funner to take out aggression on something that makes a satisfying sound.
AG - I grew up in the midwest in a good baptist family. Except they weren't so good. Parents divorced, trapped me in the middle and made me testify. Mom remarried and I stayed with Dad. Ran away. Lived with a friend. Went to college. Worked at a corporation for a bit and then went to the southwest where I worked on museum installations and river-guided. That was my defining period. That's where I met XW. I followed her out to the bay area when she started her master's - well, after we'd broken up and then got back together. She eventually dropped out, we headed back to the SW but I kept consulting in the bay area. Eventually they offered me a job and I came back. I think you know the rest.
lodo
Thanks for stopping by. I'll be watching Grey's tomorrow and thinking of you!
kat
Was your ExW from Bluff or was she transplanted there? I asked Nathan about the prospect for single gals in Bluff and he said there was not much in his age group. Just looking at a map, there is not a lot of large towns anywhere for miles. I imagine one could do ok meeting girls in Bluff if they converted to LDS, plus there is always the secret tequilla stash
.
Was your ExW from Bluff or was she transplanted there?
Or perhaps she was wondering around in the buff on the bluffs...
Thanks for the label on the syrah. I am exploring syrahs b/c I need a nice light red table wine. Something a little nicer than 2 Buck Chuck.
Okay - I am being silly now - sigh...back to work now...
take care,
AG
I know that lodo got married on kind of a bluff overlooking a most fantastic setting. The kids and I were stalkers in his old town last summer.
Beautiful part of the country, but not a place to setup a business specializing in selling umbrellas. Oregon, Washington, British Columbia and Alaska are where to make a fortune in the umbrella business.
you were stalkers in my town? I hope you carried guns.
Nathan did mention that he did liked Bluff for its guns. All we had with us was one crossman bb/pellet gun, a pocket knife and a boomerang. We did have Oregon plates on our vehicle so that probably scared the anti-stalkers away.
geeso, a bb/pellet gun, a knife, and a boomerang?! I feel sorry for whatever you were after!
All we had with us was one crossman bb/pellet gun, a pocket knife and a boomerang.
What does one do with a boomerang in the Bluffs?
Hey lodo....
I used to only drink Cab, then switched to Shiraz,. Now I am a Syrah girl.Have you ever had Sockeye? I think it's from the Columbia Valley.
I made Coquile St Jacques last weekend....yummy! Also froze some homemade pesto. Are you still cooking alot?
Is there a difference between shiraz and syrah? I just thought they were the same thing but spelled differently. Shows you how much I know
I haven't had sockeye - will look for it. I assume it's good? Sounds like a fish to me....
Coquille st. jacques? Isn't that the thing that you have to have shells for? I think my high school french teacher made it for a french class dinner. I haven't had it since then. Isn't it really hard to make? Gee, Bethie, are you a gourmet cook or something?
Frozen homemade pesto I've got - ended up with 2 gallons this year. Yum!
I haven't been cooking lately. Feeling a bit overwhelmed with work and a sudden lack of a life. But, my favorite non-cooking dish is mac & cheese with broccoli, onion, jalapeno, red pepper, smoked salmon, and some capers mixed in. It's pretty simple to make but mmmm, good! Nothing like a little orange food when you're feeling off-balance
lodo
OHHH that sounds good I'll have to write it down. When I want something quick (besides Caprise salad) I make angel hair pasta w/ olive oil, grape tomatoes, fresh garlic and basil and grated parmigiano regianno. So good!
Yes Shiraz and Syrah are different.
Is there a difference between shiraz and syrah?
I couldn't find the 45 label at my whole foods - so I am drinking a Red Truck petite sirah from CA from TJ's. Nice not to pricey table wine.
I paired my wine with an organic three cheese pizza from TJ's. Carbs always go well with a glass or two of wine.
take care,
AG
thanks ag - what would we do without the information super-highway?
I like red truck a lot too. I get that, Bonnydoon's bighouse red, Coppola's red, and then whatever one has a label I like. When you're a graphics person, you can't drink a wine if it has a crappy label.
lodo
This is my first petite. I had been an Australian shiraz drinker before this...basic Black Opal stuff.
I will try Binny's this weekend to see if they carry that 45 label that you mentioned.
you can't drink a wine if it has a crappy label.
lodo
Hmmmm, what makes a crappy label? I try different wines and see what I like. There are some inexpensive wines that are really good.
SE
Hmmmm, what makes a crappy label?
swirly pre-nuptial script with complicated engravings of the vineyard. Sure, the wine might be great but why put it in a bottle that looks like a wedding invitation, i.e. something that resembles what everyone else does?
The job of a wine label is to tell a quick story that attracts the eye. There needs to be a dynamic there, a sense of involvement. Something that says, I'm interesting! I have hidden depths! Don't you want to get to know me better? It needs to beckon you but not to quickly, not too boldly. Otherwise you'll find it overbearing after a couple of glasses.
Hmmm.... am I still talking about wine labels or has this spilled over into my personal life?
All we had with us was one crossman bb/pellet gun, a pocket knife and a boomerang.
What does one do with a boomerang in the Bluffs?
We played with the boomerang on the Alvord Desert Playa, the Bonneville salt flats, and the Black Rock desert Playa.
I had the bb gun so as to teach the kids how to target shoot. They are too small for it still.
And the knife was in case a boulder fell and trapped my arm so that I could cut it off to escape.
Well,
the wine has kicked in. I've become contemplative and unable to concentrate on writing. So, I find myself back here. A voice in the wilderness. It reminds me of when I used to host a blues & jazz radio show - I'd talk into the mike and sometimes forget there were a lot of people listening. Sometimes? Okay, disciplinary actions were required, but that's beside the point. I feel that same state of talking to nothingness sometimes.
Where am I? I guess the low point. Which is fine, it's much easier to lift yourself up then watch yourself sink down. And I've been lifting.
I feel like my marriage was a total sham. I don't want to relate to my XW anymore, although I know the minute we see each other that electricity will fly between us. I almost want to take a leave of absence to avoid that. I know she is who she is and I accept that. I knew her weaknesses and I didn't play to those. But she wasn't there for me either. She never made me feel loved, or special, and I deserve that. We all deserve that.
GAL, PMA? Not so much. But mental stability has leveled off, which is a good thing. I'm scared at how quickly I feel I've withdrawn since last tuesday when the judge decreed the D. I can honestly say that I don't want a R with XW. And I know she feels the same way. How odd - we were hugging when we last saw each other and now I feel nothing but animosity. I can't say I understand human emotion, but I'm certainly involved in it.
I'm glad I'm taking some time to just be alone. It feels really really lonely right now, but it's helping me to sort through things. And like RMG recommended, it's giving me time to think about what I want in my next relationship and how I'll go about achieving that!
In the meantime, I face months of trying to make myself feel better about being alone. It'll be fine. I'm in a great place. I wish I had more friends - but that's a guy thing. I'll start getting involved again. And someday, I'll no longer have to actively avoid XW.
lodo
And the knife was in case a boulder fell and trapped my arm so that I could cut it off to escape.
dammit kerry - you posted while I was pontificating! why do you have to make me laugh when I'm being moody?!!!
Kerry...I googled all those places...
Sigh...we don't have places like that to play with boomerangs near Chicago...
And the knife was in case a boulder fell and trapped my arm so that I could cut it off to escape.
We played with the boomerang on the Alvord Desert Playa, the Bonneville salt flats, and the Black Rock desert Playa.
A boomerang might've been fun on the black rock desert, but a flame thrower shooting burning propane 25 feet into the air is even funner. Especially when you're wearing leopard print!
Hey lodo:
Very deep thoughts...
I feel like my marriage was a total sham.
This one is a tough one... It was real at one time. Sometimes people love other people the best way they know how - she just didn't have what it takes to sustain a M. It is a little like asking a blind person to see - just can't do it...
This all happened so suddenly and you may still be in shock. Pontificate - do what you need to do. Bounce around emotionally - that is normal. You have posted what is in your head. It will take time to travel from your head to your heart.
I am sorry there is no shortcut... There will be a bit of a void as you transition from your old life to your new one. You are right - you will get there. It is a little strange to think about it now - but there will come a time when all that you will feel towards her is a calm quiet indifference. I wish you didn't work in the same place - that makes it harder.
take care,
AG
A boomerang might've been fun on the black rock desert, but a flame thrower shooting burning propane 25 feet into the air is even funner. Especially when you're wearing leopard print!
The boomerang would have been interesting with the 40,000 people when you were there.
Please tell me you have some video to put on FB of the leopard print bathrobe dude playing with fire! I can understand you not wanting to put it out in public do to the possible inebriated state you were in.
Sigh...we don't have places like that to play with boomerangs near Chicago...
Doesn't Lake Michigan freeze over?
I feel like my marriage was a total sham.
But she wasn't there for me either. She never made me feel loved, or special, and I deserve that. We all deserve that.
Are you re-writing history in your own mind? Believe me, once you have gotten to a certain point, you become like the WAS and start to forget the good times. You focus on only the bad subconciously to help yourself get over the failure of the marriage. I have gotten to the point where I look back and say to myself that she was a terrible wife. But if I really think back, it was only the second half of the marriage where she started fumbling the ball. I have forgotten the first half almost and that is worrisome a bit.
In the meantime, I face months of trying to make myself feel better about being alone. It'll be fine. I'm in a great place. I wish I had more friends - but that's a guy thing. I'll start getting involved again.
Have you looked throught the meetup.com groups where you live to see if anything strikes a new interest. I just read that Gypsy found out that she can sing quite well. Maybe lodo has a hidden talent just waiting to be discovered.
Hey Handsome !! I want to see that video too ! I never knew you were the leopard print bathrobe kinda guy. Be still my heart. What exactly did Kerry mean when he said "put IT out in public" ?? Is there more to this story ??
Nice pontificating by the way ! I was just getting into it, then busted up at Kerry's comment too.
I've heard "real" men don't need a knife, they chew their arm off when it's trapped under a boulder.
Hugs
Hey lodo:
Here is the website that I use to pick the volunteer opportunities I want to do. You just go to the calendar & see what they need. Then you just sign up with your name, email address & phone #. That's it!!
No long forms, no long commitment. You do what you want when you want. Then the leader of the opportunity sends you an email with specific details. Even if you cancel last minute there is no big deal but the sooner you let them know the better. They just appreciate any help they can get.
http://www.onebrick.org/index.asp?RegionID=3&url=http://www.onebrick.org/index.asptake care,
AG
Ah yes Wikipedia now that's a creditble source for you. First thing these kids are taught today is that Wikipedia is no Bible of truth and are cautioned from taking the info and using it as such.
First off Shiraz and Syrah are both from the same grape but they can be vastly different in the heaviness of flavor. No, they are not the same. Just to make sure I asked my boss who is a wine officienado and since he is the one who introduced it to me I feel confident that he is a credible source. Do a tasting for yourself.
I should have added that Shyrah as is how it is pronounced in Australia and Shiraz is primarily from california.
Petite Shiraz is a totally different grape.
Sigh...we don't have places like that to play with boomerangs near Chicago...
Doesn't Lake Michigan freeze over?
I am not sure...
I embraced cold weather in Vermont and learned to ski - have never learned to ice skate. Truth be told - it is my own fault - I have never really embraced the midwest - spend more time complaining...
I have always lived near oceans and/or mountains before I moved here.
I am so excited - I just figured out how to do embedded quotes!
take care,
AG
I lived in Buffalo and Lake Erie would freeze over. I would be surprised if Lake Michigan didn't do the same (but I don't know for sure).
shiraz, shyrah, syrah ... whatever. I like the bit of spiciness.
Actually, a tasting is a good idea. I've gone to one before and it was really interesting to have someone who is knowledgeable lead you through the subtleties of tasting wine. I could probably do with a refresher course.
Slowly taking control of things again. Email from XW last night - there's a retreat at work (we work in the same place) and she asked if I wanted her to stay away.
I wrote back and said we're both adults and it was as important for her to be there as for me to be there. I then said that I was sorry I couldn't be around her, but I felt hurt by her unwillingness to do anything to reconnect even when she was in turmoil about ending things, that I felt hurt by her asking me to wait while she started a relationship with someone else, and that I felt hurt that she portrayed our 12 years together as a bad mistake she made because she was young and naive. I then said I realized I wasn't perfect and had a lot to learn and that she is who she is and that she'd probably never be patient or understanding in the way I needed. And that was okay - I was sorry we couldn't give each other what was needed.
I ended by telling her I still very much cared for her, I had made a commitment that was hard to cast aside, but with time and distance I'd be able to remove her from my innermost self. I can handle business interactions with her and be cordial, but friendship is based on trust, respect, and companionship and I've begun questioning whether we ever had those things. It was hard for me seeing ever regaining that and being friends. I ended by saying that, with time, we'd move to a place where we'd forgotten we ever had an intimate relationship.
So, I don't know. Maybe I feel too much the victim, but I'd never explicitly said those things and it felt good to do so. Our relationship really has faded in my mind, at least, compared to where I was at a few months ago. It's creating the new memories and feeling filled with positive energy that seems hit-or-miss right now.
But time will do wonders. The last thing I probably need is another self-help book, but I picked up Dr. Phil's Self Matters a while ago. I don't have much time for it, but I've been thinking through some of the exercises and it has helped with the self-esteem. I'm going to keep concentrating on that - leave the rest behind.
Good morning lodo:
Would it be possible to ask XW to stay away from the area where you work? Or do your areas overlap to where it is impossible to avoid seeing each other?
I asked The X to stay away from my suburb b/c I didn't want to bump into him and he has honored my request. We didn't have any kids - so really there was absolutely no reason for me to ever see him again.
As for workplace talk - your D will become yesterday's news in a few weeks. D's are unfortunately so common these days that it rarely stays a hot topic of conversation in social circles at work.
If anything - you may suddenly find attractive single women finding excuses to stop by your office!
When an attractive intelligent man becomes available - especially one that carry off leopard print robes with style and pannash - well that gossip spreads like widefire!
And I wanted to mention - I do read your responses to some of the questions I ask - sometimes it is hard for me to gauge in a cyber medium whether you want to talk about it or let it sit - so I let it go. I just wanted to let you know that I am not ignoring your responses.
Happy paper writing! I am going to try and do a little bit of mind numbing writing myself today.
take care,
AG
lodo, Handsome, leopard printed one !
I think your e-mail was excellent. You expressed yourself in a very concise well thought out manner. It was probably really good for you to be able to say those things to her.
Hugs
Hi AG - thanks, I know you aren't ignoring my responses. And no, it isn't really possible to avoid XW, but we only encounter each other rarely.
Thanks cookie. I wasn't sure about sending the email or not, but I felt I needed to express myself.
My XW sent back a reply saying she's sorry she'd become such a monster in my mind. She says she doesn't want to forget our life together and doesn't understand why I would think that she wanted to erase me from her life and memory. She says she still cares about me and very much wants to be friends, but her impression from the post-courtroom conversation was that I didn't want that. She said she wants to give me the space I need and hopes that friendship falls within that space - she'll wait for me to contact her when I'm ready. She ended saying there were many more things to respond to in my email but she didn't think I wanted to hear it.
Hmmm - is it just me or am I being portrayed as the bad guy here? Didn't RMG suggest earlier that this would be the case? She caused me the worst pain I've ever felt and told a judge that she was absolutely sure we were completely incompatible, but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends? After the cheating and lying and refusing to talk and being outright cruel, she is sorry that I turn her into a monster?
I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I feel justified in shutting her out of my life. This is what she wanted, right?
lodo
that beyatch is off the chain
Hi lodo... pontificating with wine & email... something is bound to happen.
I hope the email gives you some closure & the grieving process can continue.. it's a process not a destination.
Your feelings are valid, it's easy to see why you would feel the way you do when you see & hear her (XW) say & do what she does.
Feelings are temporary... call on your friends when you tire of them and we'll chew off our arms to amuse you... or maybe not..myabe just exchange youtube videos
Peace
Bridge
Hi bridge,
I guess this past exchange gives me more closure. I can't be friends with someone who stands up in a court of law and testifies that she is absolutely certain she is completely incompatible with me. Unless I'm mistaken, friends need to be compatible.
You and I have talked and I'm fully aware that she feels hurt and pain as well. I tried for many months to show nothing but understanding, patience, love, and positiveness. She responded, but refused to grant us any time together - that would be eating into her phd/work time. She'd decided a long time ago to D without talking to me about it. The rest of this saga was just her choosing a very poor method of trying to let me down easy. But this is what she wanted - to end the relationship. So this is what she gets - the relationship is ended.
The difference between us is that she is focused elsewhere. She said things probably out of desperation and then forgot about them. Those words hurt me deeply and I thought about them again and again. Now she's surprised that I would think certain things? Part of me wants to forward all these emails back to her just so she knows what her words were. But, I won't. I don't need to have the last word.
*sigh* - now I'm back in this crappy space and thinking about it. Time for a walk.
lodo
Hmmm - is it just me or am I being portrayed as the bad guy here? Didn't RMG suggest earlier that this would be the case? She caused me the worst pain I've ever felt and told a judge that she was absolutely sure we were completely incompatible, but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends? After the cheating and lying and refusing to talk and being outright cruel, she is sorry that I turn her into a monster?
lodo,
Yep.... She is following the script to a T.........
RMG
Hey lodo:
I just noticed your email to XW...
Sigh... Do you mind if I take out my 2x4....
Everytime you communicate with XW - you give her a reason to respond. She is not going to say anything that will in any way make you feel better or give you closure.
Communicating with her will NOT give you closure b/c she will respond.
XW wants to maintain a connection with you - every time you communicate with her - you will give her what she wants.
Every time you communicate with XW - you will keep the drama alive.
XW has essentially said she will stay out of your space UNLESS you let her know it is okay to enter your space. Everytime you send XW an email - it is viewed by her as an invitation to enter your space.
Anytime XW says anything - it will make you feel crappy. So do not take action that will enable XW to say anything to you.
Okay putting away 2x4 now...
I know this is painful and hard. I know you want XW to say things that will in some provide some sort of rationale reason or justification for what she did. The problem is that there is no reasonable rationale explanation - it just does not exist.
If you feel like emailing XW - post it here and wait 48 hours. Sometimes just writing down your thoughts is enough - that whole send thing becomes irrelevant.
BTW: And if XW asks questions like if it is okay to attend the retreat - just say "Sure - I am okay with it. lodo" And actually when it comes to not so high road stuff - that answer will bug her more b/c she will feel that she is losing her connection with you. And you won't feel like crap.
take care,
AG
Hi AG,
Thanks for your thoughts. i know I could have simply replied with a short message saying I was okay with her being there. But I also feel like I've refrained from saying how I felt for much of my sitch. Now that it's over and I'm trying to give myself distance and protection, I wanted to express my feelings. Now that I have done so, I feel like I can turn my back. Up until now I've felt I owed her something. I don't feel that anymore.
BTW, I won't respond to her last email.
I just needed to walk off my reaction to all this emotion. It's getting easier and easier to get it out of my head.
Thanks for your input. lodo
Hey lodo:
I wanted to express my feelings. Now that I have done so, I feel like I can turn my back. Up until now I've felt I owed her something. I don't feel that anymore.
Then I am glad that the email gave you closure. I withdraw my 2x4's.
BTW, I won't respond to her last email.
Good decision. In my case - I had to cut off all contact. Although you are much nicer than I am - The X was a little afraid of me post-D which actually made it easier - no sleeve tugging.
I just needed to walk off my reaction to all this emotion. It's getting easier and easier to get it out of my head.
You are doing what it takes for you to get where you need to go.
You are taking care of you - that is what is important right now.
I hope you are enjoying a nice glass of wine.
take care,
AG
I lived in Buffalo and Lake Erie would freeze over. I would be surprised if Lake Michigan didn't do the same (but I don't know for sure).
You know gforce - it really is sad that after living in the midwest for 12 years I don't know the answer. And I use to commute downtown everyday for 8 years! I have an attitude problem that needs adjustment.
I am going to find out this winter and i will have an answer!
BTW: I went to law school in Vermont. I love Maine. Acadia is one of my favorite national parks. And there is really great outlet shopping! And lobster...sigh...
take care,
AG
hey AG,
oh, it comes and goes. i hate this battling with whether my feelings are valid or not. geeso, how much closure does it take?! I'm gonna be drowning in closure!
no wine tonight, which was hard because i made risotto. But i have to edit some stuff. Actually, i'm kind of excited - a woman I work with on a side project is being interviewed for the newshour with jim lehrer. if they use the story, they might use some of my stuff! that'd be a thing to feel good about.
lodo
that is so cool
awesome lodo
oh, it comes and goes. i hate this battling with whether my feelings are valid or not. geeso, how much closure does it take?! I'm gonna be drowning in closure!
I am the BB slowpoke - so it will definitely be less than 5 years!
Actually, i'm kind of excited - a woman I work with on a side project is being interviewed for the newshour with jim lehrer. if they use the story, they might use some of my stuff! that'd be a thing to feel good about.
Good luck with that! That is so exciting! When will you know? if they will air your stuff?
Risotto huh? I ate the other half of my TJ three cheese organic pizza w/a glass of wine. I am working...no time to cook tonight...
take care,
AG
Hmmm - is it just me or am I being portrayed as the bad guy here? Didn't RMG suggest earlier that this would be the case? She caused me the worst pain I've ever felt and told a judge that she was absolutely sure we were completely incompatible, but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends? After the cheating and lying and refusing to talk and being outright cruel, she is sorry that I turn her into a monster?
I don't know. Maybe it's just me but I feel justified in shutting her out of my life. This is what she wanted, right?
Lodo, I know you loved her brother. I can see it in your posts. IMO, she is BCC...they all are. And yes, you're justified in shutting her out. I've always felt that if they make this decision then they should feel the full ramifications of that decision. In other words, "they should not have their cake and eat it to" whether it be financial loss, loss the the family structure, loss of the "best thing that has ever happened to them" they should feel that loss just as we do.
You're gonna be ok. keep moving forward. Good things coming for you buddy..
Lodo, your feelings are natural, and W's actions are script. I don't think you need to get to a point where you feel justified to do things, or feel OK about her feeling pain also.
You need to get to a point where her reactions to the sitch are irrelevant to you, and you do what you need to because it is the best thing for you.
thanks M & G! I'm moving. Don't regret speaking my mind. I looked at my email again and while she certainly could have misinterpreted it, I feel I just stated why I don't want to see her - because she hurt me a lot, lied, and cheated.
Getting to where our interactions don't affect me is another matter but every day gets a little bit better.
Got into work this AM and she'd left some books in my mailbox that she thought i'd be interested in. See, I really am the bad guy - she is SO above all these negative divorce feelings and detachment issues while I'm so unfriendly. Whatever.
tgif - this day feels like it's dragging on forever. No plans tonight, but i feel like being at home, popping the top off an ice cold beer, and settling down for some mindless entertainment. No writing, no working, no thinking.
My cats brought in an ivy rat last night and I stepped on its headless corpse this morning. Thanks guys! Disgusting ...
Okay, back to work and watching the minute hand circle around the clock face so painfully slowly.
My cats brought in an ivy rat last night and I stepped on its headless corpse this morning. Thanks guys! Disgusting ...
Dont you understand cat culture? That is their gift to you for being their best human friend.
I understand cat culture, but couldn't they just rub against my leg and purr? I mean, stepping on a headless rat at 5:30 in the AM when it's still dark and cold is ..... DISGUSTING!!!
Hey lodo:
The problem is not that your cats are bringing you presents. It getting up and leaving the house at 5:30 am in the morning!!! That is early. See if you were lazy like me and slept in - your stepping on presents problem would disappear.
Actually in my case, my cats use to have a cat door in the basement so they could come and go as they pleased. Then they starting bringing home presents. Which was tolerable - until they started bringing home live mice, birds and rabbits and dropping them at my feet! After I awhile I got tired of jumping up on chairs and closed out their little door. Now they have a automatic human door opener that opens and closes doors on command... Wonder who rules this household at times...
take care,
AG
I see you are feeling the cat love. lol Since I've known you I have found you to be the most self-evaluating person I know. As hard as it seems right now, I think you need to stop thinking and start doing. Have dinner for friends, keep yourself busy with other people. You are alone with your thoughts way too much.
I know you are stressed about work right now too. Don't know any easy way around that except to maybe break it up into small pieces. I feel for you. I think perhaps up until the very end, you didn't think she would do it...just like I didn't think my H would. Well they did and now we have to get past it. These people turned out to not be who we thought they were. They have to live with themselves and their poor reasoning and choices. We do not.
Hugs, lodo. I am going back to bed.
kat
Hi lodo,
Good Luck with the ...show? Good Luck whatever it is.
I am the bitch now too (you are not the bitch but you know what I mean). Being cruel and keeping contact to the minimum. Why cant I be more... gracefull (sp?)? I wonder.
Dont worry my friend. You emailed her your thoughts and hopefully turned a page. All involved (two) parties know exactly what has happened. The rest is just for show and poor attempts to beautify the picture, ease the guilt and blame someone else (you).
Keep moving forward as Mike says.
Love
K
PS Ohhh, and get a DOG!!!
[quote=lodo]My cats brought in an ivy rat last night and I stepped on its headless corpse this morning. Thanks guys! Disgusting ...
Isn't that sweet??? They really, really wuv you!!! My cat brings me her little toy mice sometimes and drops them in my lap and I'm so grateful they aren't real!!!
OK, I've said it before and I'll say it again--you are way too nice!!! I think you should try to stop communications, emails, etc. I know it goes against your nice nature, but I think you need to do that for you. She wants to be friends, and have everying be "nice" for her, but she doesn't deserve that!!! Karen
PS Ohhh, and get a DOG!!!
Oh, yeah, the cats will just love that!!! Actually, my cat gave my dog a horrible scratch on the nose around their first meeting, and they get along a lot better now since Sundance knows who's the boss! They like to nap together on the same couch now, so cute!!!
Karen
Hi lodo
just checking in to see how goes the battles at work & on the school front??
I agree with the one "K" (kathy?) poster (you have so many!) ... get a dog!
Headed to a professional conference tomorrow through Thursday, will probably take a break from the boards for a few days.
Hope you can find some things to do to relax & let yourself off the hook. Just remember you are awesome for the "lodo" you are now and the "lodo" you are to become.
Peace & hugs
Bridge
Hi everyone,
Bridge, good luck - you're presenting, right?
I'd love to get a dog, but I'm not around enough to do it justice. Someday.
This AM I did Bikram Yoga. They heat the room up to 105 degrees and then you go through a set of poses. I sweat like a pig, but it was great! Muscles all relaxed and toxins sweated out. I'm going to start going regularly. I left feeling so energized and focused, like the world was bright with possibilities again.
AG - I'm afraid my sitch made me into a morning person. I usually get up at 5:30 and work for a couple hours before heading in. It's actually the most productive period of the day. I'd love to sleep longer, but now the cats expect me to get up and when I don't, they do their best to wake me.
Kat - I'm trying to get back on top. My sitch caused a lot of stuff to slide and now it's all weighing on me. I HAVE to get it done and off my plate. As that happens, I'll be more and more free.
Went to a fun post-Burning Man party last night. Pretty mellow, but met some new folks and possibly a ski buddy.
Hi Kalni! Thanks for stopping by. I've been bad and haven't been over with some wine and olives for awhile. Thanks for the support - part of me felt like I was holding on to past wrongs, but what the he11. If someone wants to be my friend, they need to show friendship.
thanks Karen - yes, I've stopped being nice. Funny, I never thought about it before, but in the past brief A she had, and the ones she was in before I met her, she always said she wanted to be friends with them but bemoaned the fact that they didn't seem to want that. She chalked it up as their problem. Red flags.
She keeps telling our friends that she did a lot of soul-searching and had to do what was right for her. I'm sure she really, truly believes that, because she wouldn't let reality intrude. She needed to shape reality into her decision. I tried really hard to listen attentively, I let her have space, I avoided R talks, I showed support, and when she brought up R, I asked her to tell me what she wanted and to give me the chance to provide it. She said she couldn't return to the R with conditions. Now, all of the reasons she gave for leaving in the first place have become subservient to the fact that she "can't deny her feelings, even though she doesn't understand them" and that she "has to do what's right for her." Sure, there are two sides. I'm sure she feels totally justified. But she never even gave things a single chance, and I find it hard ending a marriage that way. Her sister told me that she doesn't know how to prioritize a relationship and that I did everything I could.
So, it's a new reality, but one that doesn't include me and I'm okay with that because, as Mike said, I AM moving on. It'll take longer for me than her, but I think I'll be more complete in the end.
But enough of her. I've been cleaning all day - blech. Apparently the spiders have moved inside, because suddenly there are a ton of cobwebs. At least the cats have stopped shedding.
Tonight I'm eating the last of the coho salmon - how sad! Summer is so nice - the fava beans, the crab, the salmon, the tomatoes, the chilies, the chard, the peppers, the peas. I got my second round of squash in my veggie box yesterday, along with some potatoes & onions and the first of the small turnips. Uggh - winter is coming.
take care everyone. lodo
Fava beans? How do you cook fava? I love fava beans with vinegar and olive oil...
K (KALNI)
PS Btw, can anybody give me a banana puncake receipe?
I have made banana pancakes simply by adding banana extract and some diced up bananas to the mix. It is also fun to use food color with the mix and with scrambled eggs. If you use red, you can make the scrambled eggs look like salmon.
Hmm, red in scrambled eggs? Sounds strange.
I want to tell everyone how much I appreciate their advice over this past year. It really helped me to vent my hurt on these boards. It also helped for people to offer advice from a perspective I didn't have. Thank you for that gift.
I'm far from healed, but am much better. Perhaps someday I'll even be able to be friends with XW, though I think I need a long period of no contact to make sure I'm completely over our M.
I'm finding this place to be more distracting than helpful, though, so I think it's time to take a break. I'll continue to drop by every now and then, I'm sure.
Good luck and take care of yourselves. lodo
lodo:
I am so sorry. I am afraid my very presence on the BB is generating these distrations...
I will stop posting and all this will disappear. I am at a point where I will be fine.
Unfortunately there is this no contact policy on the BB so I cannot post my contact information. If you are able to research your way into finding me - I would love to discuss wine and walking cats with you.
Thank you for stopping by my thread.
take care,
AG
Hi AG,
It isn't you and your thread that's distracting. It's me spending time reading threads rather than concentrating on making my life better. I need to not be so absorbed in advice and get on with living.
all the best, lodo