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Posted By: pat44 The Butterfly Effect - 09/19/08 03:02 AM
Hi Friends:

Sometimes when you start to GAL - it takes awhile to see the effects of your efforts. Sometimes it is like networking at work. I have been working on balancing work and life for awhile and feel like I am finally seeing the results! \:\)

This weekend's GAL Events:

(i) Friday: Fundraiser party;

(ii) Saturday: Volunteering at a Food Distribution Center; and

(iii) Sunday: Cooking class at Williams Sonoma

Work: Once again the butterfly effect... Sometimes the clients come into your life based on a single conversation or a chance meeting. Sometimes they disappear the same way...

There is a lot of uncertainty at work. And it is affecting me and the people I work with... It is tough b/c I have to keep my own reactions in check. And I also have to not react to how other people are reacting. Actions that would normally viewed as irresponsible - well everyone deserves a little latitude right now... people that work above me - below me.... maybe even myself.

The Seminar in October. I am going to skip it. I am worthless if I am not ON. And I need to take a break, recharge and then go back out there. And this would interfere with my GAL plans. And really after putting GAL on hold for 5 years - it is time to prioritize personal over professional. The professional is not going anywhere...it can wait.

They have 3 meetings a year anyway - the next one is in February and in California. I use to live there and have friends from my past and through work and Humongo Client. I can combine the whole trip into business and pleasure.

That being said - I have already starting researching and gathering data on Potential Humongo Client II. Need to get thosre butterfly wings flapping...

I think I need to be gentler on myself with respect to work right now. It is natural to be down given recent events. I am willing to make allowances for others - and need to extend the same courtesy to myself.

All in all life is good! It is an adventure. One never know how something that appears insignificant today can butterfly effect into something incredible tomorrow!

take care,
AG
Posted By: dogma Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/19/08 01:25 PM
Impressive and EDITED - disrespectful and antagonistic You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Watch folks, let us see how long this takes to get deleted.

Thanks for continuing to be an impartial moderator, sg.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/19/08 03:11 PM
Hey AG,

Well, I understand the oddities of the consulting ebbs and flows. Here I am in the midst of old boy network, and it really is an old boy network.

I saw your comment about recognizing my xw's dumping of relationships to streamline. I think this is common in people who have used work as a way to overcome difficulties in relationship skills. Why be patient with something you feel unsure at or makes you feel inept when you have this other thing you can really shine at? Of course that outcome is as bad as the one I find myself in - dumping work to focus on relationships. My standing and the perception of the value of my work has suffered because of my focus.

A friend of mine is in a male-dominated field and has to work 3x as hard to achieve results. Sometimes I don't understand where she finds the energy to do all that she's doing. But she has really been a rock for me throughout my D because she went through similar circumstances 6 years ago.

Her biggest piece of advice was to be gentle about restarting relationships. She kept trying and trying and failing and failing and it just prevented her from reaching a comfortable spot with balancing career and home life. Once she took the time she needed, she started finding the balance. That doesn't mean she was good at it, she just became clearer about her wants and what she wanted from others, as well as determining how to better accept others. She told me that it took her 5 years before she really felt ready.

She also told me that her biggest problem was projecting onto others what she least liked in herself. It was easier for her to reject people when she could recognize in them some small aspect of something she really hated about herself. I don't know how you feel about that, but it gave me a lot of food for thought. I hadn't examined my own reactions that way, but I find it to be helpful.

take care, lodo
Posted By: fig Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/19/08 04:02 PM
i think that is great advice lodo

also

we tend to attract certain people into our lives

i know i always USED to attract the whack jobs that would propose on date #2, stalkers, freakshow guys

it was me doing that

when i realized what type of person i REALLY wanted to attract and then tailored behaviors and such for that (you know...what we put out into the universe is what we get back)

the pressure of finding a relationship
or the right job
or the right person
or the right whatever

all those pressures were distracting me from what was necessary...which was me...i was sending out those desperate needy feelings which brough in desperate needy people

the truth came to me when i realized the person i wanted to be and worked to make that happen

when i stopped placing the blame elsewhere

and
realized it came from within

now i am at a wonderful job with a wonderful man and an amazing family

my relationships with those people that are important to me improved and when crazy happened to venture in, i was able to get rid of it in record time
Posted By: Trip Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/19/08 11:50 PM
What great words, Fig!
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/20/08 06:37 AM
Hi Friends:

lodo and fig - I was very moved by your posts... I read them this morning and I will respond to them when I am sober ... if that should happen in the near future \:o \:D

So the fundraiser... I told my boss to go to he!!! (that would be me telling me - remember fight club )

And I went shopping. I had a list - and really being from the world of billable hours - I had my schedule down to 6 minute increments.

So I bought earrings, a bracelet, things w/o straps, hose ( not sure if I would use this), shoes with toe thong (that the hose would not work with, and this torture device that is suppose to stuff things in where they belong - no time to try things on -brought it all home and left myself an hour to get dressed - and water Ms. Wiggie.

The earrings worked. The bracelet worked. NO way was I going to squeeze into the torture device! Dam! thing didn't make it past my calves - how on earth was wine and running food going to fit into my tummmy with that thing on! So I switched to hose (you need something to allow the dress lines to flow...) and squeezed into old silver sandles (which were too small b/c yoga makes your feet grow! )

I had fabulous time at the fundraiser. I was at The Table with Mike Lookinland - sat next to him (acted the part of Bobby Brady) and my friend the Fox anchor. I had such a good time talking to Mike - not about People magazine stuff - but real stuff - the type of things I enjoy - but cannot post about... There was a question/answer period - I promised I would not ask Helen Thomas questions.

Then the dancing - it was all women! So after another drink or two or three (perhaps 4) - I felt compelled to walk up to all these non-dancing H's - tell them I have not dated in 5 years - and needed them to give me a reason to date again - I needed them them to dance/and demostrate a little affection for their W's!

And I was quite satisfied that quite a few W's were pleasantly surprised this evening. This whole M thing is so much work - I may not be ready to do it - but well this whole management experience has given me the cahunas to force other people to...

And my not-affiliated with any organized religion guardian angel had his/her eye on me. I had such a great time. AND I have been posting about joining this gym - but procrastinating b/c I do not want to be a walking mass of pain... Well at the silent auction I bid $80.00 on a $500.00 annual membership at the gym I wanted to join. Sigh.... guess who won... guess where I will be tomorrow...guess how I will be feeling 48 hours after that....

And my friends bid on the wine and food stuff - well I couldn't bid against my friends - so I will drink with them and offer them passes to my gym - not that they need it...

Can you believe I sat NEXT to Mike Lookinland! At first I thought that was Peter Brady (the one tha married the 18 year old) but really he is sane one and has a sane really cool wife!

No - no single men there - but really one needs to take a day or two - or perhaps a year or two (or more) off from Block related issues and just have a little fun sometimes!

Life is good! Especially after a martini and several glasses of wine! I think I am really behind at work - aren't martine's wonderful b/c that really doesn't matter right now.

Now I am off to go drink water - b/c I am old - and hangovers are he!! and I have to be at my volunteer post by 8:30 am!

take care,
AG
Posted By: No_hill_for_a_Swimmer Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/20/08 11:44 AM
AG
Quote:
Then the dancing - it was all women! So after another drink or two or three (perhaps 4) - I felt compelled to walk up to all these non-dancing H's - tell them I have not dated in 5 years - and needed them to give me a reason to date again - I needed them them to dance/and demostrate a little affection for their W's!


quote from Robin of the Batman series.
Quote:
Holy Olive Branch Batgirl.

ok not really

Instead of generating hate and discontent among several women you actually created an instant network of allies who are able to filter out the weeds and show you a few good prospects. How many women these wives had to fend off from their H's and hate single women. I bet you can work a jury or judge like that if given a chance.

Olive branches are good things when used properly.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 03:43 AM
Hey lodo:

Quote:
I saw your comment about recognizing my xw's dumping of relationships to streamline. I think this is common in people who have used work as a way to overcome difficulties in relationship skills. Why be patient with something you feel unsure at or makes you feel inept when you have this other thing you can really shine at? Of course that outcome is as bad as the one I find myself in - dumping work to focus on relationships. My standing and the perception of the value of my work has suffered because of my focus.


My power couple friends all talk about struggling to balance the two. And I think normally you go through phases of feeling more inept at one than the other as you face challenges in each area.

In my head, the label marriage meant that I no longer had the option of dumping the R. That is where your xw - didn't get that she had already made a commitment that she needed to honor.

In my case, now that there are no labels to bind me - I find myself very wary of trying to do both again... Perhaps cautious is not a bad thing. And in a strange way - since I have gotten over the end of my marriage and for the most part have a good life - I feel very hesitant to introduce anything that may change what I have... I value the predictability and stability.

Quote:
She also told me that her biggest problem was projecting onto others what she least liked in herself. It was easier for her to reject people when she could recognize in them some small aspect of something she really hated about herself. I don't know how you feel about that, but it gave me a lot of food for thought. I hadn't examined my own reactions that way, but I find it to be helpful.


Thank you for sharing your friend's story. It resonates with me - even the 5 year part. I agree with your friend about projection. I could see it when The X did it - it is tougher recognizing it when I do it myself...

Yesterday at the fundraiser - when one woman found out I was single - she said "wait here - I want you to meet someone." It was so reflexive - I am not even sure how I did it - I bolted. Of course alcohol always makes it easier to give into one's natural inclinations.

However today when I volunteered today at the food distribution center - the head person was my age, attractive and did not seem to be wearing a ring. I didn't feel claustrophobic today b/c I felt like I had my space. We worked together and we talked but I didn't feel any pressure... I am not sure if I even view him as someone I would date - I don't feel like I have to decide that today.

Who knows maybe The Block is a filter and when men that I am comfortable around come around - I don't feel the urge to run away. And the creepy ones are filtered out.

I know I am rambling - b/c I haven't figured it out yet...

Thanks for your very insightful post. It really did help me.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 03:54 AM
Hi fig:

Quote:
we tend to attract certain people into our lives

i know i always USED to attract the whack jobs that would propose on date #2, stalkers, freakshow guys

it was me doing that

when i realized what type of person i REALLY wanted to attract and then tailored behaviors and such for that (you know...what we put out into the universe is what we get back)


I also attract "whack jobs that would propose on date #2, stalkers, freakshow guys." Although in the past year or two they are fewer in number.

I had a discussion with a friend where I told him it was me. He said his W was/is also approached by the same type of people. She just set the boundary down very firmly immediately.

I think part of it is what we put out. I think part of it is how we react when we are approached by these types of people.

I have gotten much firmer at nipping R's with these types of people in the bud.

I recognized and took very decisive action immediately when I met one at the Resort. He was persistent but he finally got the message.

Quote:
my relationships with those people that are important to me improved and when crazy happened to venture in, i was able to get rid of it in record time


I think having the mindset where one is willing and able to take action to get rid of the nut jobs is a part of what we put out in the universe. I think freaky people can smell fear.

Thank you for a very thoughtful post fig. I appreciate it.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 03:55 AM
Hi trip:

Thanks for stopping by my thread.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 04:28 AM
Hi Friends:

Some of this will not be familiar to those that I have not known too long.

For the past year or two - I have posted about affirmatively setting boundaries when a person's behavior made me feel uncomfortable and trusting my gut when it felt the discomfort.

When I was on point - the usually reacted badly and proved my gut right.

On the few occasions where I might have been wrong - they adjusted their behavior. Although I am not entirely convinced I was wrong b/c sometimes they change for awhile and then start reverting back to the behavior that made me uncomfortable... I think that is why it takes time to get to know someone. I am happy with my 90 day probation for R's of all types - I have seen positive results with that rule.

And there will be a minimum of 2 years before I will even entertain moving in with someone. Of course that one is not tested. But I felt rushed when I married The X. I don't want to feel pressured to move forward in an LTR until I am ready.

This GAL thing is so underrated! I feel so much more relaxed and less overwhelmed. The volunteering at the food distribution center - well that was quite a contrast to last night. Talk about facing reality. It was tough for me at first - I have led a very shelterd life. And this center is in my suburb - so this is even a relatively sheltered reality. I will continue to volunteer there at least once a month. I need to be reminded that the real world is very different from my double insulated bubble.

I will have to work tomorrow. I didn't have a very productive week last week - well that is understatement. It was an awful procrastination week and I got nothing done. I need to at least make sure I haven't dropped anything critical.

Life is good. I am very relaxed. GAL is a very good thing.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 04:50 AM
Hey N_Hill!

Actually I was silly and told the H's of my GF's to go out onto the dancefloor. Their W's are very secure with their H's and themselves so they have no problem with me being single.


The H's were all designated drivers so the W's had the luxury of being able to drink a little more! And I rode with my neighbor - so I well drank a little myself!

Now when it came to the silent auction items - well I had to do a little negotiating and charming!

The whole evening was really just fun. Many moments that just make smile when you think about them. Actually - my neighbors and I laughed about the silly moments till our sides hurt. \:D We volunteered together today and went out to lunch afterwards. I am really glad I decided to not work on weekends anymore.

take care,
AG
.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 03:02 PM
Hey AG - sounds like you're doing good. Have fun cooking today. I'm afraid I'll be working too, trying to clear more things off my plate.

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 09:56 PM
Hey lodo:

The thing about these cooking classes is that they demonstrate using all these cooking toys that I really feel I must buy now!

Next week is cocktail mixology class. The class is 10-11 am. I wonder if it is okay to drink before noon - after all I need to sample what is mixed so I know what it is suppose to taste like. \:o \:D

I think you are the only one that has been working today... I have been procrastinating - no wait it is the weekend - I have been GALing. I feel an overwhelming urge to trim some shrubbies in my garden right at this moment - work will simply have to wait...

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/21/08 10:20 PM
Hi Friends:

I wanted to clarify something that I think I may have miscommunicated. I don't think every man I bump into is tripping over themselves to ask me out.

I am working on myself, my own mindset and my reaction to single men and/or actions directed towards me by men. I have no control over other people and what they do. I do have control over how I choose to act.

Also I have no problem asking out men - so when I meet someone that intrigues me I think about whether I want to ask them out. I asked out the BF immediately before The X. And I sent the first email to Emailing Man when I thought he was single. If someone says no - the worst that can happen is that I feel really silly and off for a day or two and need 1-2 boxes of haagen daaz ice cream bars to get over it.

And I have reassessed my answer regarding the hypothetical from Mr. Ironman - if Mr. Ironman was single and asked me out - well I would say yes. I would have said no when he presented the question on day 2 after I met him - but after spending 6 days socializing with a group that included him. I got to know him and would say yes. But it is a mute point b/c he has a GF.

I have reassessed the men I dismissed on the Island. I would dismiss them again. Just not interested - doesn't mean I am screwed up.

I think I view dating a little differently than some may. Many people date to get to know someone. I like to date someone after I get to know them. I like to get to know people in a non-romantic pressure environment. Looking back - that is how it has always been for me.

I am no longer living in a hermit habitat. I am "putting myself out there" in activities where there is the possibility of getting to know people by virtue of engaging in those activities.

As for whether there is anyone that I would like to ask me out or I would like to ask out - no not yet. I haven't gotten to know anyone well enough to know whether I want to date them.

Life is good. I am no longer fighting The Block. I am embracing it as a filter - one that may require tweaking - but that is okay.

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/22/08 05:27 AM
Hey AG,

So, just curious - now that you're taking cooking classes and all, what do you do when you get home at the end of a long day? Do you reach for the ingredients from the specialty store, or do you just pull out the frozen cornmeal crust pizza? I bet you can guess what I'm guilty of.

I worked all day, but I don't feel like I accomplished anything. Seems like each step forward is two back - Jacob's Ladder.

Thanks for posting the info about your sitch. It's funny because I was about to ask you how communication worked out between you and your x. Was curious whether your boundaries held against his carpet-bombing as I consider my own sitch and the days ahead.

lodo
Posted By: IAmSoup Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/22/08 01:42 PM
Wow ! What a great weekend you had ! :-))
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/22/08 01:56 PM
Hey lodo:

Quote:
So, just curious - now that you're taking cooking classes and all, what do you do when you get home at the end of a long day? Do you reach for the ingredients from the specialty store, or do you just pull out the frozen cornmeal crust pizza? I bet you can guess what I'm guilty of.


I use to cook all the time once upon a time...use to try new recipes etc. But these past few years - between the D and work - I have been pulling out prepared foods 90% of the time - maybe even more... \:o

And it is tough cooking for one. The plan now is to try all these new recipes and deliver the food to my neighbors and start throwing dinner parties again.

Quote:
I worked all day, but I don't feel like I accomplished anything. Seems like each step forward is two back - Jacob's Ladder.


I am going through a phase like that myself right now. I accomplished - nada zip last week. That is why I am making GAL such a priority to see if having weekends off will help motivate me to work during the week! I need a reason - something to look forward to - a carrot so to speak to motivate me to work.

A crumbling R and a D affected me - but I go through these phases even when there are no R troubles. Everyone does - especially people that push themselves too much. At least all my friends do.

You certainly fall into that category - full time work and school! You have two areas where you may possibly be procrastinating in! That is not easy - even when all is good in your life!

Quote:
Was curious whether your boundaries held against his carpet-bombing as I consider my own sitch and the days ahead.


I let The X back in with a clean slate after most of the bombs. I told him the past was forgiven but at my end I needed to see that it did not happen again. After a honeymoon period - the same issues arose over and over again accompanied with an escalation that eventually rose to a level that posed a risk to my personal safety.

After the final bomb - I told him there would be no consideration of reconciliation without MC with Michele. He knew me well enough to know that even though I circle a lot - there is a point of not return with me. He didn't contact me post legal D b/c he knew I was done.

Now even though I was done b/c I couldn't live with what my M had become. I still went through the pain of letting go what I had wanted my M to be - letting go of the hope that it would ever be what I had wanted it to be - and of course letting go of the life I had. I was fortunate that The X did not try to contact me post legal D. It made it easier for me.

In your case, I think you are doing the right thing. ew wanted the D and she has gotten the D. She has shown no indication that if you were to consider reconciliation post-D that she would change. You are now the walk away friend and she is now the left behind friend. I would keep not returning her phone calls and emails. And if she stops by your office - I would cut it short like you have been. It may not be a bad idea to look for a new job where you would not have to see her. It is time for you to take care of you.

It will hurt - but she has not changed... It will take time to let it all go. And for you to let go - you will have to keep repeating and reinforcing your boundaries until she gets it.

If she is like The X - she will shut down and be angry with you as you stop responding and move on. And you are going to have to get comfortable with the notion that she will blame you and the anger. The X just shuts down the past and starts over again. I was a little taken aback when after my M to him I realized that he had amputated 10 years of his life with his former LTR from his memory. He had been with her from when he was 16-26. All that was left was anger towards her. He had nothing postive to say about her.

This will get easier with time - especially as you rebuild your life. Right now you are in the void - between lives so to speak - this transition time is rough. That is why I think you need to be kind to yourself and go easy on yourself. I really recommend taking an incomplete on your classes if that option is available to you.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/22/08 02:25 PM
Hey Soup!

Quote:
Wow ! What a great weekend you had ! :-))


It's about time - I was wondering if I would ever feel as alive as I did before my marriage!

The X was not very social - so we use to stay at home a lot - and I never really made friends in the midwest outside of work. It took a lot of trial and error - but I am finally making friends with similar interests!

Do you know I now actually have an inbox full of emails so I get to choose which social things I want to do!

Now if only I could twitch my nose or blink and all the work on my desk would be magically done....

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/23/08 03:38 AM
as long as you're twitching your nose, could you make my work disappear too?

Must be nice to have a full inbox of social emails. I've been so sunk into focus on XW that I've neglected that whole aspect and it has tapered off..

so I hope you don't mind me asking, but I'm curious. I work with a lot of indians. One is back in india now, dealing with family. another is back east, and has problems with family.

Has family come into play in your sitch? how connected are you to that background? I have a hard time imagining what it would be like, at least in comparison to how my classmates speak.

glad things are going well, lodo

btw - I agree, it's really hard cooking for one. A lot of what I cook ends up in the compost. *sigh*
Posted By: IAmSoup Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/23/08 12:40 PM
Take it one step at a time ! :-)
Posted By: No_hill_for_a_Swimmer Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/23/08 12:53 PM
Quote:
btw - I agree, it's really hard cooking for one. A lot of what I cook ends up in the compost.

Thats why God made apples, microwaves, and made it difficult to burn water.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 12:17 AM
Hey lodo:

Twitched my nose all day - the only time the work left my desk is when I opened the back door and the wind blew it off my desk!

I dropped out of sight for a little while after my D and my friends understood. Your friends will be there for you when you are ready to shoot off an email to them.

Quote:
Has family come into play in your sitch? how connected are you to that background? I have a hard time imagining what it would be like, at least in comparison to how my classmates speak.


My parents came here over 40 years ago - initially to study and ended up staying. I was born here and for the most part raised here. I speak Bengali fluently and was raised on Indian food. We use to call Western dinners - special dinners when I was growing up.

My parents are divorced.

My father grew up in a very rural part of Bangladesh (when it was India) - but is very open minded. He is open to arranging our marriages if that is what we want. And he had no problems with The X being German. He was here for me after bomb #4 and helped me get to the point where I was ready to push the D through. He literally carried me at one time where he cooked for me and listened to me go on and on... He actually said after my D that he was okay with me living together with someone w/o getting married and is very supportive of with me adopting as a single parent. He use to spend 6 months here and 6 months in India every year. He bought a place outside of Kolkatta a couple of years ago - but is getting restless! LOL! I am planning on flying him in to Cambodia and meeting him there for our Angkor Wat vacation.

My mother's side of the family - I have uncles that immigrated to Sweden, Germany and here - also roughly 40 something years ago. I have aunts that are of Swedish, German and Dutch nationalities. The X use to be best friends with one of my German cousins - that is how we met when I was in Germany during spring break. She is also open minded in the sense she didn't care that The X was German or that I am D. She is also okay with me adopting as a single parent.

We eat everything - including beef.

Most of my parent's friends are the same way. I think some of the Indians that immigrated here around when my parents did are more open minded - or perhaps they are friends with my parents b/c they are open minded.

The X worked with a lot of Indians. I was always a little surprised at how conservative they were. In some cases - I think it depends on what part of India you are from - some regions are more conservative than others. Some people are more religious than others.

I am afraid I probably haven't given you much insight into your Indian friends... There is a movie Namesake that has a story line that probably parallels more of what my upbringing was like = those of us that were born/raised here are well are both here and there and at the same time neither here nor there when it comes to heritage. We get to make it up as we go along.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 12:24 AM
I know Soup - back to basics... It always is - isn't it... Thanks for reminding me. \:D

Hey N_Hill:

Quote:
Thats why God made apples, microwaves, and made it difficult to burn water.


Hee hee... Apples and microwaves are essential surviving the big D tools! I haven't burned water - I have burned a pan while boiling water... \:o

I am not really a junk food person but that first year post D - I lived on Domino's pizza, Chinese take out and Dunkin' Donuts! Thank goodness for that post-D metabolism where you gain no weight - I lost weight on that diet.

Sadly - metabolism is back to normal - ice-cream is my comfort food and I pay when I indulge!

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 12:55 AM
Hi Friends:

Nothing new to report.

Work is work... Procrastination is the bain of my existence...

So far - plans for the weekend include my cooking class on Sunday - this week's topic cocktail mixology!

I would like to garden a little this weekend. Need to trim shrubbies and clean up my main bed - maybe plant a few perenials - things go on sale now! \:\) I may plant a tree or two - but small ones - no humongo rootballs this year. I also want to spend some time at Borders planning my vacation.

A silly story... I drove past Young TJ Man several weeks ago in my new car. And then I bumped into him a week or two ago and he ignored me. Now I am not interested in him - he is just too young for me. But I thought - cool - I can tell my C he was wrong. I should have disclosed to YTJM that what appeared to be his crush on me was based on misinformation. YTJM thought I was in my early 30's and that I worked for minimum wage at TJ's and I use to drive a '88 Honda Civic. Well...turns out he didn't recognize me with my short hair! LOL!

I reaized that when two other people looked at me blankly when I talked to them! The Captain at TJ's - he happen to be in on Sunday and b/c I worked there at one time - we always chat. I walked up to him and he did that polite conversation with a stranger tone. I was a little confused - but thought maybe he was busy - or had perhaps forgotten me...

And then the waiter - the one I set a boundary with at the Chinese restaurant walked up to me after I was seated and asked "will it be one today?" I try to get out for lunch everyday - and usually go somewhere and it is usually alone - I was surprised that he asked. And then I looked at him - he didn't recognize me! LOL!

Normally I wore my hair twisted up - well now it is too short to wear up. I didn't think I looked all that different - but apparently I do! And apparently my haircut has taken a few more years off my appearance! I may have to tatoo 1965 on my forehead so people know how old I really am. The secret to looking young - not Botox - it is short hair.

Life is good!

take care,
AG
Posted By: dogma Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 01:00 AM


Disrespectful and antagonistic. You must comply with the
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Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 01:39 AM
Originally Posted By: AG II
I am afraid I probably haven't given you much insight into your Indian friends... There is a movie Namesake that has a story line that probably parallels more of what my upbringing was like = those of us that were born/raised here are well are both here and there and at the same time neither here nor there when it comes to heritage. We get to make it up as we go along.


Oh, I wasn't looking for insight. Just curious. Nosy, I guess. \:\)

It has been very interesting speaking with my co-worker and classmates. I guess what struck me most was how much change they've witnessed in their lifetimes - a lot has happened in India since the 60s. As Americans, I don't think we're able to understand how those big, societal changes affect families, children, marriages. I'll check out the movie.

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 02:25 AM
Quote:
I guess what struck me most was how much change they've witnessed in their lifetimes - a lot has happened in India since the 60s.


My parents were born in British India - so when I hear their stories - the changes are unbelievable.

And more recently outsourcing has recently changed India on so many levels. That being said - many of the conditions in rural India remain unchanged - i.e. caste system, women's issues, etc.

I have not been back since 2002. I am probably going to try and combine the Cambodia trip with a trip to India to my cousin's wedding. The wedding is in a small city at the foothills of the mountains (near Darjeeling). Too cold to go up into the mountains in January. But it will be a very traditional 3 day wedding - actually all the fun lasts 6 days if you include pre-wedding festivities!

Now I am off to prepare invoices. I have been procrastinating by posting all evening! \:o

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 01:59 PM
Hi Friends:

I have a deadline - so no more procrastination by posting today... \:\( There was a ton of work on my desk w/o pressing deadlines - it was fun not working for awhile!

I did forget to pick up the envelope with the documents that show I won that membership at the gym. They should be arriving in the mail today or tomorrow - so I will join when it arrives.

GAL: This weekend will be cooking class and gardening and planning trip to Cambodia.

There is a black tie event for the humane society in a week or two - but I don't know who is going and well unless I have friends going I don't really feel like going to it alone. Maybe next year I will have a date.

Now they also have wine tasting events to raise money - I have jotted those down in my calendar.

There is a Illinois patent law association dinner coming up in two weeks. I am going to see if my friends are going. People bring spouses - but I don't mind going to that one stag.

I did think about going last year - but wasn't ready yet. There is a part of me that is a little angry at times that I had to go out on my own to be successful. But lately, my focus has shifted to those friends that have helped me get where I am - instead of the old boys network. And recently it feels like my age group is slowly moving into positions of leadership. The world is changing. I need to let what was go and embrace what is. And in this case what is - is good.

I am lucky. Kitty Kat usually wakes me up very early to early in the morning by meowing at the door. He was a feral kitty so is a little afraid of hanging out in the open during the daytime. He is my little vampire kitty. Well the night before last, I was half asleep and missed the last step on my staircase AGAIN and ended up on my rear. Doesn't feel like anything is broken or twisted this time! Nothing is swollen or really hurts. But I am a little sore. Silly staircase has a design flaw - the bannister ends one step before the last step - so if you aren't paying attention - you think you are at the bottom... I need to look into getting that fixed...

All in all life is good! Work will be a priority today - nothing like accountability and/or a deadline to light a fire under your you know what.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/24/08 10:04 PM
Hi Friends:

Life is very good!

Every time I think I have survived - there is a new stage that is better than the last! \:\)

I think I will call this phase the Giddy Phase. \:\) This is the phase where The X doesn't matter. This is after you have rebuilt your life again. This is the phase where you can laugh again for no reason at all! \:D This is the phase where you once again want to explore the possibility of an R - not to fill a void - but b/c you want to share the good things in your life and maybe get a little support during the rough spots.

I found out today that pictures from that fundraiser will be published in our local suburbian magazine. I think that now makes me a socialite! I live in the most married suburb of it's size in the country (according to the US census) - so won't get much exposure as single and available... \:\(

And my brain is working AGAIN! Since August - I felt so sluggish. And I dreaded answering the question "And what do you recommend?" - b/c I was tired and losing my nerve. Today - I am okay with there being no right answer - just the best one that i can make up. \:o

And I feel all silly and relaxed while I am working.

GAL - GAL - GAL - my new panacea for all that goes wrong inm life! Sometimes you need to take a break when you feel like you can least afford to take one.

I am off to write nonsensical things about things that really don't matter - but someone is willing to pay me to write.

take care,
AG
Posted By: SuperDad Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/25/08 02:02 AM
Hi AG,
Quote:
I am off to write nonsensical things about things that really don't matter - but someone is willing to pay me to write.

LMAO! The best description of patents that I have ever heard.

Glad you are getting your PMA back.

SD
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/25/08 02:20 PM
Originally Posted By: SuperDad

Quote:
I am off to write nonsensical things about things that really don't matter - but someone is willing to pay me to write.

LMAO! The best description of patents that I have ever heard.

Glad you are getting your PMA back.


Well - SD - now I really feel motivated to work! :-)

I think you are suppose to disagree with me and tell me about how patents encourage innovation and all that good stuff so I feel empowered and work b/c I feel that not writing would deprive society of a much needed and valued service!

Why is it so much easier to write my nonsense here than at work? :-0

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/25/08 02:50 PM
Hi Friends:

Life is good. I am taking it a little less seriously. And I am lowering my expectations of myself.

I will confess that I did keep busy for 5 years post-D. Part of it was career growth and perhaps part of it was burying myself in something/anything to feel like my life had direction again.

And I managed to beautifully avoid single men or apply an R (avoidance) rule to anyone that happened to be available. Lately I have been feeling a desire to date - to have a little fun. I am a little bummed that there is this really fun fundraiser coming up for the humane society - and I would love to go with a date - but really have no idea where to find one. That was not a problem the last time I was single. This is a change for me - for a long time I just didn't want to date.

And I know a big part of the problem is living in the most married suburb of its size in the country - yes that is US census data. It is routine ranked as the best place to raise kids, best place to retire - but NOT the best place to be single.

And I am not into Internet dating - I know it works for a lot of people - but that is just not me.

Sometimes I think my requirements are too high. I want someone that is physically attractive to me. And I need someone that engages me and challenges me - usually I am the one that is always engaging other people - at work or when I go out. And I am into the power couple thing. There are challenges - but the pros outweigh the cons.

I know the cougar thing is in now. But I do not want someone much younger. I know my C tried to pry my dating block open by not allowing me to run away from young TJ man. He is sweet - but he is a boy. He simply does not have the life experience of someone that is older. I haven't talked to my C in months - I will have to call him to tell him he is wrong! I am just kidding - I know what he was trying to do - he forbid me to run away unless I got to know enough about young TJ man to make a decision. He wants me to not jump ahead to an LTR in my head and give a man a chance instead of deciding all the reasons why he is all wrong in my head by myself and walking away. All this became clearer to me during discussions on this BB and discussions during my huricanne vacation...

Life is good! I feel like I am in a place in my life where I can open myself to taking a risk when it comes to men. This is not like a M where so much of your life goes into disarray when it ends. The worst that can happen is that I will get hurt, post a whole bunch of "what is wrong with me posts" and eat lots of ice cream - and then move on....

I cannot see a path yet with respect to dating... I can see a goalpost in the fog - as in I want to date again. I would like a little romance and fun in my life. I want to do that happy dance when someone I am interested in asks me out - or someone I ask out says yes. I think I will start by being asked out - that whole part of working up the nerve to ask someone out is very stressful! No idea how men do this all the time!

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/26/08 03:00 AM
don't go too overboard on all this AG - it'll happen when it happens.

thanks for sharing the details of you and X with me. It helps to hear the specifics of what others went through.

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/26/08 03:31 AM
Quote:
don't go too overboard on all this AG - it'll happen when it happens.


It is all mindset at this point... All the social events I have attended have been within my suburb. This includes the fundraiser, Williams Sonoma, the volunteer stuff... It really is known at the most married suburb in the Chicagoland area...and the country...

To implement - I am going to have to venture outside of my city...

Besides have you noticed that there is no mention of volunteering at the food place this weekend... GF is not going - well I am certainly not going alone - there might be possible single guy that heads the thing there! LOL!

take care,
AG
Posted By: 3K451 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/26/08 03:50 AM
AG,

I've not been around much. But I've read some of your recent posts and something struck me out of the blue like one huge lightning bolt. Do you ever not plan every darn detail of your life and not worry about it? Do you ever just let yourself be in the moment and let it lead you?

You've been posting nearly obssessively about dating and Rs now for as long as I can remember but you dare not take the dive for this reason or that reason...all some highly constructed bit of logic. You know... Spock was that way. Is this really living to your fullest?
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/26/08 04:09 AM
keyzblew:

We have not had the kind of rapport where we have been able to engage in a constructive and free exchange of ideas in quite some time.

I myself have refrained from commenting on any of your posts detailing your choices for years now. I hope you will consider extending the same courtesy to me.

I do wish you the best of luck with your life.

Warmest regards,
AG
Posted By: 3K451 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/26/08 04:28 AM
AG,

It was just an honest question. Seems to me I only come around every now and again to pop in if you check my history and have been keeping away from here because of some of the behaviors I do witness around here. I simply asked a question based on an honest observation. You have been free to comment as you wish or not.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/26/08 01:38 PM
Hi Friends:

I was taking out the trash last night when Kitty Kat and Picasso looked at me with those huge eyes - ready to go for a walk! So we went for a walk last night. Media (aka Pi) decided to pass on the walk - she was probably off hunting rabbits somewhere. It was a beautiful fall evening - glad the cats got me out of the house. \:\) They really are so cute.

I received my gym membership in the mail and joined yesterday. So today at lunchtime - no more going out for lunch to get out of the house. I will go to the gym. \:\)

They have a really nice pool - with a waterfall thingy. I love water. I am going swimming today. \:D Since I did that silly missing a step again - I am still a little sore. I may start out slow and do the circuit training. And they have a steam room and a dry sauna! I will be spending some time in probably steam room today!

I am still have a few more pounds to go before I am back to the weight I was when I commuted downtown for work. This working from home thing - well those pounds sneak up on you!

This weekend - I am adding volunteering at the food pantry again. Williams Sonoma called to remind me about my class this weekend - turns out they use no alcohol during the cocktail mixology class! \:o There is a latin cocktail mixology class in downtown Chicago - may be have to sign up for that one too... That class is not free so they will use alcohol.

As for dating - I will continue to put myself out there. And there is always word of mouth and friends of friends. Perhaps my standards are too high... However - people thought I was a little nutty in the way I started my own business - and how selective I was about accepting clients - but it worked for me.

I am thinking about throwing a party in November... I have a nice circle of friends in my neighborhood now - took some trying and lots of going to different types of social events. I am glad I made the effort. I really knew no one when I worked downtown - was always busy working back then...

All in life is good! There are few sounds as beautiful as the sounds of someone else mowing your lawn! Well - perhaps someone else cleaning your house - I am going to set that up this fall.

I think I am slowly approaching a balance in my life - one that includes GAL!

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/27/08 01:55 AM
Hey AG, I'm assuming KK and Picasso are cats - do you walk with them? I used to go for 5-6 mile hikes with my cats when I lived in the SW. Out here there are too many people & dogs, so I don't do that anymore.

Hope you had fun at the gym. Personally, I like to be outside, even if it's raining or snowing. I run and swim. Swimming is the worst in the winter because the pools are all outdoors here. There have been days when a winter storm moves in and I have to keep doing laps until the sleet stops so I can run to the locker rooms and not freeze my patootie off! And I bike into work and back - keep feeling like I should do a triathlon since I'm already doing one every few days!

Cocktail class sounds fun, but then you'd have to have a stocked bar. I'm leaning more towards wine-tasting. There are a bunch of meetups so once the quarter settles down I'll probably attend one of those. Small steps, right?

I disagree with the sound of mowing. Out here, the sound of lawnmowers and leaf-blowers can become overwhelming. Give me the gentle solitude of silence! \:\)

hope your weekend is good! I have to finish my paper on the candidates' positions on nuclear energy - now my research is out of date. blehhh.

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/27/08 06:02 PM
Hey lodo:

Yes, Picasso, Medea and Kitty Kat are all cats. We usually do our walks at 11pm or later - no cars, dogs or people around at that time. It is roughly a 1/2 mile walk - sometime a mile at most.

5-6 miles! How long did it take you? My cats meander, explore and play when we walk.

A triathalon may not be a bad idea - it is a good way to meet people - and well I like goals - I need them to push myself....

I use to work out at gyms until I moved to Vermont - where there were no gyms - so I embraced the outdoors. This is the first one I am joining since I have moved to the midwest. I like swimming outdoors - did that for awhile - we have a pool in our subdivision that is open in the summer. But they came up with a no-kickboard rule (b/c it encourages parents to not pay attention to their kids) - and I decided it was easier to just go somewhere else...

Wine tasting - problem is that after a tasting away for awhile all the wines start to taste the same! I like wines. And sometimes different types of beer depending on the food. This cocktail thing is something new I am trying.

I mowed my own lawn for 5 years and just last year hired a landscaping company to do it. It use to take me an hour and a half to just mow it. It isn't the sounds of the mowing that I enjoy - it is that I associate the sound with my lawn getting magically mown, edged and clippings blown w/o me lifting a finger!

Good luck with that paper - perhaps it should be "shifting" positions of candidates' positions on nuclear energy!

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/27/08 06:17 PM
Hi Friends:

After I started my own firm 3 years ago, I finally had time to GAL. I thought it would happen instantly - but it didn't. And I became frustrated at that time. It ended up being a process. I tried all sorts of organizations and different types of groups for three years. And now I suddenly find myself in a situation where I have to pick and choose what I want to do from a number of options! \:\)

Even GAL seems to require balance! I had dropped my weekly yoga classes for awhile and went back for the first time in a month today. I had forgotten how much I need that to detach from life stress in general. I also wanted to be warmed up for my first day with weights - in years... I didn't end up going yesterday.

In my case, my M created a life infrastructure. And when it disappeared - I had to start all over again. And finally after 5 years - it feels like it is all coming together again. I am now trying things not b/c I have to - or need to - or should - but because I just want to.

Life has its normal ups and downs. That being said - I now have a life where I feel alive again.

take care,
AG
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:24 AM
Hi Friends:

I really like my gym. \:\) There is enough variety of stuff where it will be awhile before I get bored. I spent 15 minutes in the steam room - I slept very deeply and feel very rested.

At work, there were several time I hesitated before I went for the brass ring. And when I was ready - I went for it and gave it my all I did and it worked out for me beyond my wildest expecations. Of course work is work - so it will never be stress free - but it is somewhat contained now. At least to where I no longer feel guilty getting a life.

I want to do the same with respect to my appearance. I have spent my entire life having it be a side thing. I want to go for the brass ring. I am active and average by my own standards when it comes to being in shape. I want to go for the brass ring. I have the time and opportunity to do that now.

I am happy with where The Block is right now. There really is nothing more I can do at my end until I meet someone that intrigues me. I am no longer spending all my time in the hermit habitat - I am getting out a lot more. Even Teri Hatcher went through a 5 year bout of celibacy! LOL! I am not alone.

A friend called to tell me that The Resort issued her a credit for 4 free days at the location of her choice b/c of the two hurricanes! I haven't received my letter yet - but that means there ill be another vacation in the works! I want to research another location - their only other all adult resort is in Turkey - we'll see. \:\)

I am a little slower than most. And I had a few more issues than most. But I feel like I am at a point where I had worked through the biggies. I also feel like I have achieved some semblemce of balance. Now it is time to live.

Life is good!

take care,
AG



Posted By: BarbieDoll Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 01:27 PM
EDITED - Disrespectful and mean-spirited. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 01:35 PM
Barbara:

As you have pointed out - we have very little if anything in common.

Please do not post to me again.

AG
Posted By: BarbieDoll Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 01:43 PM
EDITED - Disrespectful and mean-spirited. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Posted By: BigHands Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 01:45 PM
EDITED - Disrespectful and mean-spirited. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 01:49 PM
Yes Bighand, you may be included.

Please do not post to me again.

AG
Posted By: BigHands Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 01:58 PM
EDITED - Disrespectful and mean-spirited. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Posted By: fig Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:00 PM
AG if you keep asking people not to post to you

then what are you posting for???

not even trying to be snarky

really just wondering
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:04 PM
fig:

While I am not exactly flattered by things you have posted about me on other threads. You have posted things to me on my thread and on other threads that I have found to be helpful. Your recent posts in fact helped me make headway with respect to my block.

At this point in time, I have no reason to ask you to stop posting to me.

take care,
AG
Posted By: BigHands Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:05 PM
Way to dodge the actual question, counselor.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:08 PM
I don't think she dodged the question. She stated that she finds things posted to her helpful. How is that dodging the question?

AO
Posted By: BarbieDoll Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:09 PM
EDITED - Disrespectful and mean-spirited. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:26 PM
Barbiedoll,

You are correct, anyone can post to any thread they want. However, this board also has a function that allows you to ignore a user. I know you are familiar with this because you learned about it on the same thread I did.

So, my recommendation is to ignore a user if you choose not to read their posts. It's a very effective tool. (for those who do not know, go to the users profile and the option is there to ignore, you can return to their profile if you'd like to remove the ignore request)

Let it go. Negativity is not worth the energy.

AO
Posted By: BigHands Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:26 PM
Originally Posted By: alpha.omega62
I don't think she dodged the question. She stated that she finds things posted to her helpful. How is that dodging the question?

AO


Stating that she finds some comments helpful is not an answer to the question. It does nothing to address the question.

If you ask everyone not to post to you, why post at all?
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:30 PM
Hey A_O:

Thanks for stopping by. I am fine. I don't want to you to get drawn into this and suffer the backlash of posting on my behalf.

I can ask people to not post to me. That is in my control. Whether they honor my request is outside of my control. However - I can choose to not respond - and that is what I will be doing.

take care,
AG

Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:32 PM
Well we'll agree to disagree. I suppose you want specifics and it's everyone's option how much to share on a public internet site.

I hardly think she's asked EVERYONE to stop posting. But if I'm wrong, please let me know.

AO
Posted By: BigHands Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:33 PM
It is certainly everyone's option. It's also apparently her, and only her, perogative to turn this into some sort of career/adoption/religion/political blog.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:36 PM
AG,

No worries. I see a lot of hurt here and just giving my input on how people can get around it. Things happen between people and you can choose to drag that dead body around with you or move on.

The ignore tool is a good tool to move on. If someone posts things that are hurtful or that you feel it's in your best interest not to read, the kindest thing to do for YOURSELF is to step away. Use your energy for good.

No one here should be wasting their energy on negativity. Isn't that what surviving is all about?

Just want people to take care of themselves.

AO
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:43 PM
And it's your option not to read it. BH, use the ignore user option. We all have so much going on in our lives.

You have a wonderful new life now. Try not to waste your energy or time trying to convince someone they don't belong someplace they feel they do. That's not your call. I don't feel it's my place to tell people what they should or should not do. We can only make suggestions to them and allow them to make their own choices.

That's the way it works in real life, why should it be any different here?

AO
Posted By: BigHands Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:48 PM
Uh huh. And in real life, when someone has a conflict of interest, like that which apparently hinders the mods from taking the same action here they take punitively in so many other places, do you just hit "ignore"?

I'm standing up here because this is wrong that it's allowed to continue when so many others are in the bag.
Posted By: IAmSoup Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:56 PM
I've been around for a while.:-))

Over the years I have followed the DB process. It has allowed me to get on with my life. There isn't a day that doesn't go by when I remind myself of the process. I've also learned that the process varies for each one of us. For some it's a short process. For others, it may never end. I see that by the length of time that some of us have been here. I think that's OK. I also try and follow principles of Buddhism. I see a lot of similarity between Buddhism and DBing.

I am seeing some anger and jealousy here. When our hearts are filled with pure love we cannot be disturbed by anger or jealousy. Either your heart is a loving heart or you are still filled with anger and jealousy. Ask yourself why you are angry or jealous here. Virtuous actions cause happiness and non-virtuous actions cause suffering, is taught by the Buddhas based on their perfect knowledge. I have learned this for myself.

A few of the postings, by a few people in this thread, are non-virtuous. People who post negative remarks here do so out of concern for their own welfare. I'm not sure how that helps them to be more loving. I can understand why some people here are still hurting. All of us still hurt from time to time. Posting on Surviving reminds many of us to come back to the DB principles and to listen to Buddhas words.

BUT, there is little point in confessing our negative actions if we have no intention to refrain from committing them again in the future. I don't post on Surviving that much anymore. But when I do I try and do it with a loving heart. Namaste ...Soup
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:58 PM
BH, but in real life, who are the moderators? Either we moderate a situation ourselves or call in a higher power to help.

Quote:
when someone has a conflict of interest, like that which apparently hinders the mods from taking the same action here they take punitively in so many other places, do you just hit "ignore"?


I'm not really understanding what you mean.
But to answer your question, if I see a subject matter I'd rather not read about, I ignore that user. I don't feel it necessary to contribute to that conversation. I acknowledge (to myself) that person and I have a difference - morally/ethically. I'm not going to change their mind and if I can't support them, I walk away. There are so many users on this site, I have confidence I find more like minded people if I choose to.

AO
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 02:59 PM
Hi AG,

Stopped by to say hello but see the pack has descended. I agree with AO. I don't understand why it's so important to belabor a point. It just seems to create a lot of negativity, even if someone is completely justified and in the right.

It seems situations like these would be a good opportunity to try DB techniques, IMO.

lodo
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 03:00 PM
Originally Posted By: IAmSoup
I've been around for a while.:-))

Over the years I have followed the DB process. It has allowed me to get on with my life. There isn't a day that doesn't go by when I remind myself of the process. I've also learned that the process varies for each one of us. For some it's a short process. For others, it may never end. I see that by the length of time that some of us have been here. I think that's OK. I also try and follow principles of Buddhism. I see a lot of similarity between Buddhism and DBing.

I am seeing some anger and jealousy here. When our hearts are filled with pure love we cannot be disturbed by anger or jealousy. Either your heart is a loving heart or you are still filled with anger and jealousy. Ask yourself why you are angry or jealous here. Virtuous actions cause happiness and non-virtuous actions cause suffering, is taught by the Buddhas based on their perfect knowledge. I have learned this for myself.

A few of the postings, by a few people in this thread, are non-virtuous. People who post negative remarks here do so out of concern for their own welfare. I'm not sure how that helps them to be more loving. I can understand why some people here are still hurting. All of us still hurt from time to time. Posting on Surviving reminds many of us to come back to the DB principles and to listen to Buddhas words.

BUT, there is little point in confessing our negative actions if we have no intention to refrain from committing them again in the future. I don't post on Surviving that much anymore. But when I do I try and do it with a loving heart. Namaste ...Soup





Beautiful Soup!

Namaste!

AO
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 03:01 PM
Originally Posted By: lodo
Hi AG,

Stopped by to say hello but see the pack has descended. I agree with AO. I don't understand why it's so important to belabor a point. It just seems to create a lot of negativity, even if someone is completely justified and in the right.

It seems situations like these would be a good opportunity to try DB techniques, IMO.

lodo


I agree lodo.

AO
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 03:19 PM
Hi Friends

I would love to continue to post here.

However when I read a poster was leaving b/c of the distractions - that is wrong.

I have tried staying away from some of the poster's thread. I have tried asking posters to not post to me. I have tried ignoring posters. All to no avail.

I used this forum to set goals and focus myself. And so that friends that posted to me constructively could provide their input.

It has recently come to my attention that there is another forum where these same people are discussing my posts and strategizing how they will post to me in this forum.

Actually that creeps me out a little...how on earth can so many people that I don't even know care about what I post!

Since there is a no contact policy - I cannot post my contact information. But if my friends are interested in keeping in touch with me - I hope you will research your way into finding me.

BTW: lodo and Soup - thank you for stopping by my thread.

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 03:37 PM
Hi AG,

I posted this on my thread, but when I said I'm going to stop posting due to the distractions, it's because I want to stop being so wrapped up in getting advice that I never have the chance to use it. When it's a beautiful day outside and you're sitting inside at the computer, it's time to make some changes.

The negativity hasn't helped, I'll admit.

Good luck with your GAL - I hope to get myself out there too. Thanks for the link to the volunteer service as well. There's quite a wide variety of ways to help out.

lodo
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 04:07 PM
Hi AG,

I dont understand, nor want to understand where all the animosity is coming from today. I do know that people can change and I have not seen anything from you lately that would justify the attacks you are getting now. Maybe you said some things on some long ago posts that has caused this - what is in the past cant be changed and the important thing is to learn from it and move on. Digging up hurt from the past only reopens old wonds.

You sound well adjusted on your GAL plans and your thoughts on finding someone new to love and cherish.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 04:48 PM
IT wasn't locked to hurt you...I actually thought you'd prefer it.

Lodo requested a lock.
Posted By: dogma Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 04:51 PM
Kidding me? Now AG, AO and lodo get to set the rules?

No need for censors; oh wait, yes to protect the whiners.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 04:55 PM
Originally Posted By: dogma
Kidding me? Now AG, AO and lodo get to set the rules?

No need for censors; oh wait, yes to protect the whiners.


Dogma,

What rules did I set? I'm not protecting the 'whiners'. I saw a situation continually spirally out of control and gave posters suggestions for channeling their energy into a positive direction.

So tell me, what rules did I set?

AO
Posted By: lodo Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 05:05 PM
Just to clarify - i requested a lock of my own thread because it was about to reach 100 posts.

I'm sorry I'm now being labeled as a whiner for trying to engage in dialog and a setter of rules for tying up my own loose ends.

AO - best not to give this too much energy.

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 05:09 PM
EDITED - Personal contact information is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.AG
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 05:13 PM
Lodo, I never got a chance to wish you all the best before your thread locked. Taking a break from this forum will do you good. I really want to thank you again for the Utah travel advice you gave me this summer.

And AG, you have the right attitude with dating - get to know someone as a friend first before really courting them. Have you read "Mars and Venus on a Date"? I hope you stick around and not be discouraged from posting your thoughts.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 05:19 PM
Kerry:

I think you are doing great too.

I like how you have detached and are moving on with your life. I also noted how you were proceeding slowly with G39. I am going to try and do the same if I meet someone. I too married The X too quickly. He was German and needed green card...

Good luck with the settlement.

I will definitely look into Mars And Venus on a Date. I appreciate your post.

take care,
AG
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 05:29 PM
One of my W's coworkers was of the opinion that W married me just for the green card. That sure would hurt if that was so, but I know in my heart that she really loved me for most of our marriage. If she wanted the green card only, she would have divorced me a long time ago. I also am of the opinion that differences in culture are not detrimental to a marriage - I think they add spice and variety to it.
Posted By: whiskey.tango Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 05:55 PM
Originally Posted By: lodo
Just to clarify - i requested a lock of my own thread because it was about to reach 100 posts.

I'm sorry I'm now being labeled as a whiner for trying to engage in dialog and a setter of rules for tying up my own loose ends.

AO - best not to give this too much energy.

lodo


Agreed. Enjoyed your posts. Be well.

AO
Posted By: No_hill_for_a_Swimmer Re: The Butterfly Effect - 09/29/08 07:23 PM

Will the poster without sin please take their place on the mound and toss the next electron \:D

The windup the pitch
Steeerike. caught em lookin
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