Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: lodo The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 02:44 AM
No real reason for my thread title other than I feel good right now after spending a week letting loose at Burning Man.

previous thread

thread title comes from a song by De-Phazz. See it here on Youtube. Ladies, would you like to dance?

As for sitch? Feh. W out for 3 weeks with OM, her "muse". Blech.

Me, I realize it's time to start forcing myself out again. Not for love, for life.

lodo
Posted By: LL44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 03:12 AM
Hey Mr. Lodo. Nice to see you.

I'll have a strawberry daquiri, if you will......
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 03:15 AM
Hey lwb,

a strawberry daquiri it is, but you'll have to take a spin with me around the dance floor ...
Posted By: LL44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 03:18 AM
Even better!!! \:\)
Posted By: shoeprincess Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 03:51 AM
Burning man!! I heard about that from a friend the other day. Was it fun? I will have a cosmo please
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 05:25 AM
Here's your cosmo.

It was only fun if you like mildly out-of-control mayhem in the wilderness with scantily clad/naked people of all stripes and colors. Imagine a city of 40,000 where you don't pay for anything but ice. With the audaciousness of Vegas. That's Burning Man.

Everyone kept saying it was more a festival this year, though, than an experiment in community. I can see that, but I can't comment on it since this was my first time. But I'm a virgin no longer!
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 06:01 AM
Did you stop in the towns of Gerlach or Empire when you were there? I wonder if those towns thrive during the festival because when we stopped by there was hardly anyone around.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 06:04 AM
Gerlach had roadside booths of clothing and glowsticks. Empire had the same, but it also has storage units where a lot of people keep their stuff, including my group.

Also thriving was the reservation - many frybread stands! I stopped for a taco on my way out.
Posted By: Kalni Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 07:24 AM
Good Morning!!!
Lets have a glass of wine sometime...
S
Posted By: WCW Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 01:45 PM
Originally Posted By: lodo
I can see that, but I can't comment on it since this was my first time. But I'm a virgin no longer!
OMG, did you use the condoms you took along with you? ;\)
Posted By: ernest88 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/03/08 02:10 PM
Quote:
It was only fun if you like mildly out-of-control mayhem in the wilderness with scantily clad/naked people of all stripes and colors. Imagine a city of 40,000 where you don't pay for anything but ice. With the audaciousness of Vegas. That's Burning Man.

Everyone kept saying it was more a festival this year, though, than an experiment in community. I can see that, but I can't comment on it since this was my first time. But I'm a virgin no longer!


Lodo,

I'll take a Tom Collins..

Congrats on surviving Burning Man..

I saw a fashion faux pas...leopard print and boots?? The hat set it all off..
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/04/08 02:05 AM
Hey Mike - little late but here's your Tom Collins. Heck, take 2. Me, I'm sticking with Tanqueray & Tonic.

I must say, my fashion wear for BM was sorely lacking. Next year I'll do much better.

And no, WCW, no use of those condoms. Not ready for that yet. I mean, I AM but not with all the rest of it.

So, wise ones, let me ask you this. Don't get me wrong - I've moved on. But it strikes me that whenever people see W and I interact they almost immediately come to me and say, "She's really confused." What gives? What does that mean? What am I supposed to get out of it? Just curious. At first I took it to mean, be patient. Now, I'm not so sure. "Confused" to me now means "willing to burn and sabotage."

lodo
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/04/08 02:30 PM
I think they are just trying to say they are sorry. Your wife is messing things up and they can see her confusion and how it has effected both of you.

The question you need to ask yourself...If she came back and was remorseful, asked for forgiveness and another chance would you do it? Is that what you are hoping for? What changes would have to be made and do you think those changes are possible? Or are you truley done for now?

These are questions going through my mind. I don't see them happening for me, at least not right now and I know that I don't want him to come back for money issues, but maybe in my case it is forcing reality a little faster and stronger than he would have liked.

You get to pick the movie. We are eagerly awaiting your choice. \:\)

kat
Posted By: gForce Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/04/08 02:37 PM
She probably IS confused. But that obviously is not enough. Would there be no scenario in which you would contemplate reconciliation? If not, take it as kat says - as a statement of sympathy.
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/04/08 11:59 PM
I just checked out your pics. Interesting outfit lodo. Your the man. ;\)

kat
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 02:29 AM
Yeah, I liked it!!! Nice legs Lodo!!! \:\) That looks like so much fun!!! Karen
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 02:35 AM
I wonder where we could some animal print robes like that, then we could keep up with that fashion craze lodo started. I wonder if he had class tonight and if he went for a cup of joe...

kat
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 02:44 AM
He's going to be bummed he missed the hot women on his thread, huh??? \:\) Karen
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 03:17 AM
Oh, you guys don't even know! I only took my camera out twice. You missed my skirt & fancy dress vest. That was my bartending outfit.

Karen, nice legs? You bet - I'm a runner/swimmer/biker! ;\)

Where do you get animal print robes like that? Look around, darlin'!

I'm done with classes, but I've got 2 incompletes I've got to finish. For some reason I was emotionally whacked last year and couldn't do research papers. Hmmm, I wonder why ....

Hey, why don't you hot women get off my thread and come out west! Unless, of course, you'd prefer to hang out and get rained on by the march of the hurricanes and tropical storms. It's sunny and warm out here. \:\)

Since I got back my cats have been on a rampage - 1 squirrel, 3 mice, 2 rats, 1 bird, 1 mole. They think my LL is little gifts every morning ....
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 03:27 AM
Originally Posted By: lodo
Hey, why don't you hot women get off my thread and come out west! Unless, of course, you'd prefer to hang out and get rained on by the march of the hurricanes and tropical storms. It's sunny and warm out here. \:\)

Since I got back my cats have been on a rampage - 1 squirrel, 3 mice, 2 rats, 1 bird, 1 mole. They think my LL is little gifts every morning ....
You better watch out with ideas like that! I might take you up on that--no hurricanes and no H--sounds like heaven to me!!! Do your cats drop them in your lap? Mine sometimes drops her little cat toys, fake mice in my lap and I am so glad no real ones b/c I would die!!! Love her, but yuck!!! Karen
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 03:29 AM
Quote:
Oh, you guys don't even know! I only took my camera out twice. You missed my skirt & fancy dress vest. That was my bartending outfit.
OK, might have been a nice outfit but no way could it be better than the robe!!! That was so hot!!! \:\)
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/05/08 11:00 PM
Karen is getting more flirtatious by the minute! I don't know many guys that could have pulled that off. ;\)

Any how when are we moving watching? Next Friday, Saturday, Sunday? Let us know cause you know you ARE the man.

kat
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 01:15 AM
Originally Posted By: kat727
Karen is getting more flirtatious by the minute! I don't know many guys that could have pulled that off. ;\)

kat
I knew you'd call me on that, Kat!!! \:\) Hey, I dropped the rope a few weeks ago and now I'm just having (mostly) innocent fun! \:\) I actually do kind of like that outfit (for me though)! \:\) Karen
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 05:59 PM
All right lodo, how tall are you?

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 08:20 PM
I think Karen can have even more innocent fun by taking her pants off. Now that H is coming around as much, she doesn't get to do that as much ;\)

How tall am I?! Why?

I should get movie today, so any day is fine.
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 09:30 PM
Why don't you want to say?

Pick the day - I can't early Wednesday but any other day should be fine. I will get from blockbuster the day you pick.

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 09:38 PM
I'm 6', why won't you say?
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 10:09 PM
Just flirty minds like to know. ;\) Go with it.

kat
Posted By: gForce Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 10:30 PM
She is trying to estimate your, um... size... or something...
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/06/08 11:02 PM
thanks g, got that one on my own!
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 01:04 AM
Did I ever tell you ...I love you guys.

kat
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 04:09 AM
Oh entirely in a friendly way of course!!

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 05:07 AM
late night rambling a bit. Haven't done this in awhile.

Suddenly feel low. lonely, I guess. I don't know what I want anymore, or who I am.

Part of me wants to be pissed so I can get over this faster. But the D still isn't final! How can things keep dragging on like this!

And still I think of our last interaction. The way she hugged me, held my hand. Why do that? How is this going to end?

I already know the answer to that. The D will be final. In a year or so I'll be dating, will have 3 or 4 short-term Rs that don't work, but will find someone. Meanwhile, W will have reverted to her old patterns and be unable to make a R work for more than 6 months. Eventually she'll find someone, but she'll have a lot of regret. She already does.

Anyway, this is all in my mind. She's off with OM. Her muse. blech.
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 10:30 AM
You still love your wife. Part of you wants her back but the other part of you knows that she is gone. I think when she comes back, you would want her to come back with some resolve and some strength of character. She isn't there now and may never be. Your mind may have all the answers but your heart won't listen. I am so sorry that you have to go through this crap. You don't deserve it.

I am going back to bed tinman. You've had a heart all along.
Posted By: Kalni Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 10:38 AM
lodo,
I dont think we can go through this without having some really low moments even if we think we have finally grasped it is over. It is part of the process. No use denying that part of us, deep inside, will always wonder how things could have turned out.

Life is full of surprises. We all here had a nusty one. Let's start thinking about the nice ones we will get down the way.

What do you feel like drinking? I am buying today.
K
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 09:58 PM
Thanks guys. Feeling better today.

A lot of my issues come from work. Trying to do school on top of a full-time job has just gotten to be too much. I'm not doing any of it very well. Throw in major personality problems currently disrupting my whole office and ... well, I guess I just feel overwhelmed and unsure what I want to do anymore. Hard for me to see where my future lies. Why do I feel guilty when I spend a day off not working?!

Regarding W, I freely admit the problems I created and I hope I can solve those in future Rs. I didn't make my W feel special, sex became an afterthought, I took her for granted, I didn't take the initiative to plan outings - trips abroad or an evening out. I was consumed by schoolwork and depression. That said, I'd always thought that committing to someone means telling them if you're unhappy and what you want/expect. Since W didn't do that, I now am gun-shy about anyone ever doing that.

I don't blame myself - an A is not the way to solve problems in a M. My W should have told me what she wanted. She should have accepted me for who I am and been willing to help when I sunk into depression. Those are her issues to deal with, and on a run today, I realized once again those red flags I ignored from day one. When I met her she was sleeping with a coworker who was in another relationship. She went after me before she broke it off with him. She went after a fellow student 3 weeks after pledging honesty and monogamy during our long-distance relationship. And last summer, the A with another coworker. I have to admit that there were probably others. A cycle. Her cycle, that only she can address, and if she does, maybe she'll learn how to ask for what she wants and how to accept another without simply running away to someone else when things get rough.

There was a book review in the NYT about "I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage" in which the author brings up the shaky basis for marriage as a social institution. "Modern matrimony is less a sacred vessel than a crazy quilt." Since I do believe in M, what struck me about all of this was the simple reality of maintaining a long-term intimate companionship. I don't mean to cast this as "friends with benefits," but that is essentially what it boils down to, albeit with more of a commitment than the phrase suggests. That said, the alternative would end up with the same result - a series of friends with benefits. Or romantic lovers that stick around until the love fades.

I guess I'm firmly in the camp that wants to make a M work for long-term companionship. I know romantic love fades. I know the problems of living with another. But I also know the problems of being alone. Does that mean I'm not a whole person? That I want to share my life with someone?

Just rambling. again. And Kalni, I'm sticking with water right now, but I had a nice petite syrah last night. Perhaps a little later, another glass would be just right \:\)

lodo
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 11:36 PM
Originally Posted By: lodo
Since I do believe in M, what struck me about all of this was the simple reality of maintaining a long-term intimate companionship. I don't mean to cast this as "friends with benefits," but that is essentially what it boils down to, albeit with more of a commitment than the phrase suggests. That said, the alternative would end up with the same result - a series of friends with benefits. Or romantic lovers that stick around until the love fades.

I guess I'm firmly in the camp that wants to make a M work for long-term companionship. I know romantic love fades. I know the problems of living with another. But I also know the problems of being alone. Does that mean I'm not a whole person? That I want to share my life with someone?

lodo
I hope not, because if so then I'm a partial person too; I hope to share my life with someone. Maybe there are 2 different kinds of people: people like our WAS that have problems with committment and see marriage as a negative; and those like me, you, G, and Kat and others (everyone here?) that sees marriage as a good thing; one you stick with in good times and bad? Just because your W and my H left when things weren't good instead of working on them; doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of us that wouldn't leave a marriage. Plus, I love marriage! I think it's wonderful. I like just the simple things of holding hands and kissing and just being there you know? And my H wasn't even that nice!!! I think it would really be great if you had a faithful, committed partner also. (Of course, maybe I shouldn't announce this to guys on the first date, huh?) \:\) Karen
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/07/08 11:38 PM
Originally Posted By: kat727
Oh entirely in a friendly way of course!!

kat
Of course! \:\) Karen
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/08/08 04:47 AM
Lodo, I enjoy reading your "rambling thoughts" - very enlightening. I think when you start dating again, it would be a plus to meet someone with the same ideas you have regarding marriage. Maybe they have even experienced the same pain you have.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/08/08 05:20 AM
lol - I think I should distribute a questionnaire to all potential applicants. Maybe we could all benefit from this. What questions should we include? It'd be multiple choice, of course.

1) How do you feel about physical and/or emotional affairs?
a. They're da bomb!
b. Affairs? Do you mean current affairs, like on the news?
c. Please, that brings up too much past pain ...
d. Dr. Shirley Glass is my hero.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/08/08 10:34 AM
that's funny Lodo..and a really good idea
Posted By: gForce Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/08/08 03:18 PM
I love being married too. Not just the "idea" of it, the day to day reality of it. I think it is the ultimate goal in life, to share it with someone you have a life-long commitment with. There are plenty of "our kind" out there, I really believe that. I just dreaded going through the vetting phase, over and over and over again.
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/08/08 03:57 PM
Originally Posted By: gForce
There are plenty of "our kind" out there, I really believe that. I just dreaded going through the vetting phase, over and over and over again.
Same for me. I think that too, but yeah, don't look forward to dating at my age!!! But instant marriage probably isn't a good idea either! \:\) Lodo, maybe you could also ask a few questions to find out their "love language" too??? And how they feel about animal-print robes? \:\) I wonder if this kind of stuff might scare off some though--but I guess we don't want wimps anyway right??? \:\) Karen
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 05:30 AM
I think I'm just going to take a page from WII's book and take myself out for awhile. I can get myself drunk and try to take advantage of myself. At least I'm always around ...

Had to turn down a grand canyon river trip today. Hated doing it but just can't get on top of work stuff right now. I think I might go on a short backpacking trip instead - Skyline to the Sea.

Has anyone else noticed how fast the light is starting to change? It was dark when my alarm went off this morning. I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER! D*MN IT! MY SUMMER WAS HALFWAY WASTED TRYING TO RECOVER FROM A MEAN MISTREATER! I WANT MORE SUMMER!
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 05:44 AM
You need to get a job where you work below the equator for half the year. Have you ever seen the classic documentary "Endless Summer"? Learn to surf dude!
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 05:48 AM
I haven't learned to surf or scuba dive because the ocean is so frickin' cold here. Have you seen the documentary about the surf family that lived in a camper?
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 05:54 AM
I have not seen that. When I was in Santa Cruz last, I checked out the surfers catching that real long running wave - awesome. If I am reencarnated as a Great White, I know where I am going to live.

I think it's weird how you live like 700 miles south of me but yet your ocean temperature is still bone chilling cold like it is where I live. I guess there is an advantage - no hurricanes!
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:01 AM
Mavericks.

Are you near the ocean? Hmm, just checked google maps. For some reason I pictured you somewhere else. I was doing some work in Newport out on the coast.

Is there a lot of coastal hiking there?
Posted By: Sara Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:11 AM
I've got plenty of summer here. It's going to be hot as he!! for another 3 months in Florida. and the water is plenty warm. Surf's up when the hurricanes go by on their way to New Orleans.
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:16 AM
I am about 90 minute drive to the beach (Seaside).

When I go to Newport, I go clamming with bare feet. I can feel the cockles through the mud and there is no random digging. Were you at the Hatfield marine center?

There are some ok coast trails, but if you want some of the best head further north to the Olympic NP coastal section or Pacific Rim NP on Vancouver Island. I have backpacked the Olympic coast and you have to plan around the tides as some sections are only passable at low tide.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:22 AM
Sara - we here in the west are amazed at the floridians and midwesterners. Tornadoes and hurricanes?! Give me an earthquake instead! \:\)

Kerry - I was near the marine center - noaa facilities, just up the river a bit.

I am going to a conference in Vancouver in October and was wondering about staying to do a bit of the Pacific Rim trail. Thing is, my D is final the day after the conference ends - do I have to be there? Guess I'll find out when I meet with our judge next week.

D puts such a crimp in your vacationing schedule sometimes! ;\)
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:26 AM
Originally Posted By: Sara
Surf's up when the hurricanes go by on their way to New Orleans.

I am guessing that Tampa does not get clobbered by a hurricane ever because it is on the safe side of Florida.

BTW... Once a year, part of Florida and part of Oregon have the same time for an hour. It is when the clocks are set back in western Florida which is in the central time zone and Ontario Oregon which is in the mountain time zone.
Posted By: Sara Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:26 AM
At least we get 5 days warning on a hurricane. And most of them are not so bad. As far as I can tell, disasters can happen anywhere.
Posted By: Sara Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:31 AM
Now that I am no longer sitting in the bull's eye of the hurricane map (New Orleans), I can see patterns that take most of the storms across the Florida Keys and then into the northern Gulf coast. But you can never say never. The storm would lose of lot of good time building over the Gulf if it turned and hit Tampa. But that doesn't reduce my hurricane insurance premium any.
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:43 AM
Originally Posted By: lodo
I am going to a conference in Vancouver in October and was wondering about staying to do a bit of the Pacific Rim trail.

About 11 years ago I sailed my boat up to the Broken Group of Islands in Barkley Sound which is part of Pacific Rim NP. Absolutely beautiful place. I cleaned a fish and threw the carcass overboard where I was anchored. The bladder still had air in it, and as it floated to shore, I counted 9 bald eagles in the trees eyeing it. It was quite entertaining to observe their pecking order as to whose turn it was to have a go at that fish carcass.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 06:54 AM
Well, for the most part we just stay prepared for earthquakes - nothing hanging above the bed, secure bookcases to the wall, keep food and water on hand. I think that's worked just as well as 5 days notice. Having lived in Missouri, though, it just makes me cringe to think of some big whirlwind that can suddenly swing through and level everything.

Kerry, I'm glad to hear you practice fillet and release. So do I.

I like to float a section of the Colorado River - Ruby/Horsethief Canyon - in winter. It is full of bald eagles! I'm reminded of ravens due to a picture I once saw in National Geo of a raven stealing a salmon from an eagle. Have you ever read "Ravens in Winter"? I believe the author was in Maine. Maybe we can get gForce to change jobs - do research on ravens instead and report back to us. Maybe he can investigate whether they DB or not.
Posted By: WCW Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 04:48 PM
Quote:
Has anyone else noticed how fast the light is starting to change? It was dark when my alarm went off this morning. I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER! D*MN IT! MY SUMMER WAS HALFWAY WASTED TRYING TO RECOVER FROM A MEAN MISTREATER! I WANT MORE SUMMER!
You live in CA and complain about winter and cold water? phooeeyy! are you NUTS?

I notice the light change every time I flip the switch!

Twirling whirlwinds vs hurricanes vs earthquakes. Can we pick none of the above? Where is that?
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 05:04 PM
Hey when are we doing the movie? You are the owner on this one, so pick a time and date!!

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 10:35 PM
How about Thursday night?
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 10:45 PM
That sounds good. What time do you want to start?

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/09/08 10:49 PM
is g going to be joining? Why don't you pick since it'll be later for you.
Posted By: gForce Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/10/08 12:46 AM
I'll be on the road to NYC Thursday evening. Please don't reschedule on my account, though.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/10/08 03:28 PM
Just following up on my funk from a few days ago, which has persisted.

In a lot of advice for those dealing with D, they say you have to become a whole person again. At first I didn't think about it too much, after all, I am my own person, right?

But I'm beginning to think that I'm not whole. I spend my days reacting rather than creating. The past months seem like a constant daily churn, even though I've gotten to travel and see some great places. I need to find my way back to seeing each day as a new opportunity rather than something to get through; I need to see the week as ripe with possibilities rather than something to get through before the next weekend. Just not sure how to do that.

I guess a lot of it is simply learning to slough off all the negative images that W has subtly heaped on me, and that I've subsequently heaped on myself. The message has been, if you don't pursue a doctorate degree, you aren't worth anything; if you get depressed, or if your parents divorced, or if your childhood was filled with drama, there is something fundamentally flawed in you. How can I believe a message like that?

It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again. We all create our own realities and for too long I've let my reality be defined by someone else.

lodo
Posted By: GFI Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/10/08 04:11 PM
Hi there Lodo - many many thanks for your observations on my thread - might I offer mine to you...

It looks to me as if the introspection you are engaged in is of such a high quality and with such insight that you are close to the answer you seek - so long as you do not rummage around too much looking for it I feel sure it will come to you shortly. In the meantime would some more tangible short term goals be of any use to you maybe - rather than reaching for the biggies...

Best - GFI
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/10/08 04:13 PM
Hey GFI - yep, smaller goals are good. Just needed to start seeing the big picture first. Now I need to think about what happens next.

How's your legs these days? Doing any running? As part of my GALing, I'm going to go out with a bunch of hashers this weekend.

lodo
Posted By: gForce Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/10/08 05:15 PM
Quote:
It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again.

You've always had a diverse set of interests and pursuits. I don't know if there is a single answer to this question in your case. No single thing that will set off that light bulb and make you say "That's it!" But as long it is YOU that is guiding you, you will be your own person, and whole. It just takes time for you to fill the space that W used to occupy. Just like it will take time for you to vacate a space in your life for someone new to fill.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/11/08 04:47 PM
I know, I keep having to tell myself that though. It's been harder than I realized having my stbxw be as friendly as she's been, and her breaking into tears every time we are together hasn't helped either. I'm assuming that's her guilt at work.

I liked what Kerry said on his thread. I think it's time for me to build my wall and not let her penetrate it in any way.

onward, lodo
Posted By: smartcookie Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/12/08 06:36 AM
*waves*
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/13/08 05:19 PM
Hi lodo:

Thanks for the tip on the middle east.

I just read through your thread. Thanks for making me laugh! Loved the Mambo Craze video - put me back in vacation mode.

As for stbxw... I may be wrong - but it sounds to me based on stbxw's history - that she seems to need the fun/romance/excitement adrenaline of a new R. She appears to care about you - but needs her high more... And while she might be an otherwise great person - she isn't great relationship material... and there is nothing you can do to make her otherwise... Her triggers, choices, behavior is not something that is within your control. All that you can do is accept that she is who she is.

There comes a point where you have to decide what you want for you and take ownership of that decision. And then you set goals to take care of you and let stbxw take care of herself.

By taking ownership - I mean acceptance of the D and setting goals based that acceptance.

For example, if you have accepted the D (in your head - the heart takes awhile) - then it is okay to protect yourself from being drawn in by stbxw. It is okay to avoid situations where stbxw does the push/pull thing b/c that type of thing makes it harder for you to let go. It is okay when she starts her push/pull stuff - to say - I really need to go now. Those situations may do something for stbxw - but really do nothing for you.

Of course all this is easier said than done...

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/13/08 05:47 PM
Hi AG,

Thanks for stopping by my thread.

STBXW actually doesn't do so well with Rs because she's too focused on her own ambitions/career. The OM is part of that and so she ended up sleeping with him due to conflating an interest in him with an interest in advancing her work; the high of the R was also the high of her pursuing new research. That has changed over time, although they've spent the last 3 weeks together so perhaps things have intensified once again.

We're both at a university that has a very high-pressure atmosphere, so that hasn't helped either. It was always too easy for both of us to focus on work rather than maintaining a connection with each other.

I agree with you - she isn't great relationship material. She doesn't understand that a relationship doesn't have to be in competition with ambitions/career. That said, she and I have always connected on many levels. I was her first serious relationship (red flag!), so she doesn't put much value in that. I've had several relationships, so felt that was unique and worth fighting for. To a point. I'm done fighting now.

I do accept the D mentally, but it's been hard to get through the emotional baggage, especially with STBXW's reactions when we're with each other. I'll get through it, especially once I'm really able to start putting myself out into society again. Going to join a meetup group tonight! I'm also working on setting realistic goals for how I'm going to become social again, so thanks for the support on that suggestion!

First steps - not avoiding events just because she'll be there. We meet with the D judge on tuesday, so that'll be the first test of me withdrawing my emotional energy from her. A large party on thursday, so that'll be test 2.

lodo
Posted By: LL44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/14/08 07:02 PM
I will be on the market 4 days before you, my friend.

Amazing we are here, huh? Good thoughts for you!
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/14/08 09:14 PM
Originally Posted By: lodo
I guess a lot of it is simply learning to slough off all the negative images that W has subtly heaped on me, and that I've subsequently heaped on myself. The message has been, if you don't pursue a doctorate degree, you aren't worth anything; if you get depressed, or if your parents divorced, or if your childhood was filled with drama, there is something fundamentally flawed in you. How can I believe a message like that?

It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again. We all create our own realities and for too long I've let my reality be defined by someone else.

lodo
It's funny you've been in a funk thinking that stuff. I've been thinking kind of like that too, and actually feel a bit happy about it. I allowed H to kind of prevent me being who I really am; I like to be a goof in public and he would get embarrassed and upset with me. I think the D is going to give me a chance to get back to more of who I am. I really let myself be defined by H, and I think it's a good thing we realize that and will work on that. And when we get in our next R's maybe try to hold on to that feeling, and not lose part of ourselves again?
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 02:33 AM
Hey lwb - maybe we should go out and celebrate our un-marriages! You still owe me a mambo! \:\) I have the added bonus of celebrating an un-anniversary shortly before my un-marriage! When will the chuckles and fun ever stop?

Hi karen - i hope I don't lose myself again. Actually, I think the biggest problem was that I started refinding myself and W wasn't strong enough to be an equal partner. But our sitch is unique, I think. I was also depressed, so it all became a great big blur.

Realized this weekend (once again) what an emotional wreck I've become, even though I'm okay. Had a spat with some real jerks and it really affected me. So much so that I thought about it all day. You know what helped me? Refinding that book that Puppy told me to read at the very beginning of my sitch - No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Gees, what a difference it makes when some time has passed. Means a lot more to me now than it did then. I need to have faith in my opinions once again. Screw whoever doesn't agree - they can leave. Or I can if I don't agree. Nevertheless, I have to be true to myself.

Had an excellent dinner tonight - seared asparagus & onions with jalapeno, prosciutto, roasted red peppers, fresh tomatoes, and capers. Added in rotini and mixed in a ricotta, gorgonzola, parmesan mixture. My fave petite syrah accompanied. Yummmm! \:\)
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 02:38 AM
oh, and WCW? If you're reading, I know you've got cows and all, but after eating that prosciutto, I'm thinking you should reconsider and go into pigs. Big ol' thick porkchops are GOOD! Butcher cut bacon is GOOD! Pork ribs slathered in real KC bbq is GOOD!
Posted By: fig Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 02:39 AM
dayum

i had green bean casserole!!!!

Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 02:42 AM
that's good too figgy, as long as you use REAL Campbell's mushroom soup and freshly-opened French's fried onions! \:\)
Posted By: Sara Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 02:55 AM
Lodo,

You don't need a PhD. You need a culinary degree. there is a chef inside you screaming to get out.
Posted By: WCW Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 02:57 AM
Reading and drooling over your mouth watering dinners. How the heck do you do it? I had cheese and lunch meat wrapped up in a tortilla on my way back up to the indoor arena.

I had hogs years ago. My very first sow I named Wilbur. She jumped for her food just like a dog. In the long run it didn't work out real well. Did you know sows eat their youngins if they show any sign of being weak?

These days H does a lot of hunting so my freezer has venison, elk, and antelope. I think there is beef buried at the bottom yet too getting old.

I think when we're in the middle of stress and strife we think we are handling it pretty well. We don't realize the depth of the emotional turmoil churning inside and how it affects every single aspect of our life. Later, as we look back on our decisions, we can finally see how we coulda shoulda done things better. More life lessons. I guess the important thing is that we keep learning from our lessons so we don't make the same mistakes.

Keep your chin up buddy, you've got more low spots ahead.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 03:07 AM
Hi lodo:

Quote:
STBXW actually doesn't do so well with Rs because she's too focused on her own ambitions/career.

It was always too easy for both of us to focus on work rather than maintaining a connection with each other.

She doesn't understand that a relationship doesn't have to be in competition with ambitions/career.


I don't agree with STBXW's career advancement strategy. I tend to be very hardline when it comes to maintaining the appropriate boundaries in a business R.

Some of the other points you raised - I think are common issues in power couple marriages. I haven't figured out the answers yet. I suppose when I do - is when I will get serious about dating - as opposed to going through the motions or putting myself out there.

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 03:42 AM
Lol - Sara, I told you I started cooking after watching "Ratatouille", right? And because of that whole separation/divorce thing ....

WCW, how the heck do I do it? It took like 15 mins. to make - boiling the pasta took the longest. Chopping the veggies - 2 mins. tops. Chuck the long-cooking stuff (onions, garlic, jalapeno, asparagus) into a pan to sear in oil, and when it softens chuck in everything else with some chicken stock. While all that cooks, grate the cheese. Open the wine. Simple! \:\) Thanks for making me feel so good - more low spots ahead. Great! Just what I need! I think I'm getting past my lowest spots right now. Hard part was getting to where I know I don't want to reconcile.

AG, thanks for your response. I don't agree with stbxw's career advancement strategy either, but at least she's consistent. The one anomaly has been our relationship - 12 whole years sleeping with only 3 people! I agree with you on the commonality - I see our sitch a lot in others at the university. It's funny, because it seems like it matters more to women than men. Not sure why that is so, but a friend was telling me about a study recently done on how women deal with work & stress vs. men. Women use it as a framework to contextualize their entire life while men pigeonhole - "I just need to focus on this right now, I'll come out of my office and be a good companion in a month." End result, women actively ditch everything during stress while men expect everything to be waiting.

lodo
Posted By: Lyn Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 04:29 AM
Hi Lodo, I've been reading your posts since I started this. Hard to believe how much time has passed. I love reading everything you write. Anyway you sound like such a chef, I know you say it's no big deal but for a lot of people it is!

Several points I totally agree with you on, my H was the one going thru the depression and job stress and finding himself, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him have his space. He didn't want to talk to me or any of our friends and family and I had 2 kids and a busy home to take care of ( I also work) but bottom line I made a commitment and would never have broken it. I guess the saddest thing to me is he felt (and feels) totally justified in breaking it! I didn't appreciate, etc. etc. etc.

Well I guess I just get what you're saying.

BTW where can I see you in that leopard robe ? ?
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 05:26 AM
Hi Lyn,

I'm sorry you stumbled on my thread! It's a bit schizophrenic, between goofiness and late night rambles.

I may sound like a chef, but I'm not really. Just like to play. What I really want to be able to do is make good cookies - I have such a craving right now and my STBXW was so good at cookies! I just burn them.

Sorry your H got depressed. It's hard. It's difficult to tell what to do. We really just need to take care of ourselves because our spouses become confused and need to figure things out on their own. And maybe they won't. In which case, we REALLY need to take care of ourselves and be gentle. I thought my W would be there, primarily because we discussed it and she said "I'll be there". But that only lasted 3 months. Sounds like your sitch is very different. I'm sure he is doing backflips right now to justify himself. That will probably change, but you never know.

LOL - my leopard robe was actually "giraffe print." It was the best I could find at the last minute and came nowhere even close to what others had! Anyway, it's on FB. I'm hard to find, but others aren't. Search for some names.

lodo
Posted By: Lyn Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 05:38 AM
Well playing, enjoying and CREATING something yummy is a recipe for success!

Don't be sorry for his depression, or me! I really love this BB, and you are amazing. So are all of the people I try to keep up on. . (I don't have the time to do more). I do feel the pull to post and view more. It really keeps me alive.

I haven't tried the FB thing yet. Guess I better check it out.
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 06:04 AM
Wow - how nice to be called amazing! LOL.

Looks like I'm sliding into my late night ramble. Okay, I'll admit this happens more often on nights when the bottle of wine has been opened!

Tonight I'm thinking about a speech I heard. The speaker was talking about accomplishments. This struck me because I've been re-evaluating my entire life. Anyway, he said that society sets out this path for us that defines success - HS, College, graduate school, business or academia. We invest our time in the education early so that we can then build our networks and stake out cohorts. Then the advancement becomes a grind. But, he said, the key is to follow your heart. The most successful grad student he'd ever had was one who finished his PhD and turned his back on his subject matter. The student went to the upper Northwest and experimented with different mediums until he found one that he enjoyed working with. He is now spending his time as an artist exploring his craft and never thinking once about his education. That, said the speaker, is the most successful grad student I've ever advised. The one who really followed his heart.

Creation. What is it about creation? All it takes is the scraping of a burned stick on a cavern wall and suddenly you enter into another world. The stacking of a stone upon another. The hitting of a log with a rock in a rhythmic pattern. Moving your body. Preparing food, making sounds, play-acting. But those are the extraordinary things that most of us long to see but seldom engage in. How can such a core piece of ourselves be so off-limits?

I want to create. Right now I'm reacting. But I will create.

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 03:02 PM
Hey lodo:

Just reading about your cooking is making me drool!

I read the parts about your depression/funk. And many of my friends and I that set "high standards" for themselves seem to also suffer from this at times. You were susceptable to suggestions that you needed a Ph.d, etc. - areas that deal with setting the bar higher - to be whole or successful... I think it also part of being in a high pressure profession where no matter what you do you never quite reach "good enough." I am surrounded by people that pop pills or drink to take the edge off with respect to work. Who would have thought that being okay with being "good enough" would be the gold standard in mental health? \:o

Quote:
The one anomaly has been our relationship - 12 whole years sleeping with only 3 people!


So you have been together for 12 years and this number includes OM and another person! When did another person happen?

Quote:
End result, women actively ditch everything during stress while men expect everything to be waiting.


That is so true! Although there are also women that focus on the stressors and think they can neglect their spouses for awhile. I was cognizant of that during my M - but The X was high maintanence - it wasn't enough for him. I kept giving more and more of myself till there was nothing left for me.

So how did you know about Israel and Jordan passport issues? Have you travelled to the Middle East?

take care,
AG
Posted By: Lyn Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 03:05 PM
Ditto! The daily grind usually makes it really hard to follow our hearts. But maybe this is exactly why we have found this BB, to start our journey to following our hearts again and creating the life we want.

You keep rambling, I personally look forward to reading it everyday.

Hope you and everyone here have a fantastic day!

Lyn
Posted By: WCW Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/15/08 05:40 PM
Originally Posted By: lodo
Wow - how nice to be called amazing! LOL.
You are amazing!








You are amazing!









You are amazing!



BTW, I think you have tough days still coming because you have the D ahead of you yet. Expect some mega ups and downs. But you'll get thru it because You are amazing! and you have all your good friends here that are amazing too! \:\)

Now I'm going to go plug my tear ducts because the song just came on the radio "Keeper of the Stars". H and I felt that song was wrote and sung just for us.... <sigh>
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 12:47 AM
Okay, the start of school is getting close and suddenly I feel overwhelmed! I mean, I was feeling overwhelmed before, but now I know what the word really means!

AG - I don't know if I set a high standard for myself or not. I'm not in a PhD program, but a master's. STBXW is in a PhD program.

It's interesting, though. A friend just passed through. He had quite a career where I work and he still is consulting faculty. Anyway, he wanted to hear about my work and afterwards told me I should pursue a PhD. Said he doesn't recommend that to anyone, but he thought I'd get a lot out of it and would know how to balance things out to make it work. I argued that STBXW was more the type, but he said No, she's more the kind who just burn out or who aren't cut out for things other than hiding in academia. Made me feel good.

Regarding the 3 people, when my STBXW entered her master's program 9 years ago, she promised me undying love (we'd been together 3 years). 3 weeks later she was going out with another grad student and 3 months after that she said she didn't love me anymore. Once I completely cut the rope, she flipped, dumped the OM, and we got back together. 3 years later we married. Last year she reinstated in her PhD (she'd dropped out after the master's). 3 months later came the bomb and the discovery of the OM. So, it's a cycle. Sleep with them that you work with.

Re: Israel, I was over there on an archaeological dig on the West Bank. Strange story. But we wanted to go to Petra and had all kinds of problems because of the Israel stamp in our passports at the border crossing.

WCW - YOU ARE AMAZING!!! \:D

Meeting with D judge tomorrow. Not sure why. Here's the funny part. We had to sign a notorized document and file saying we'd both be at the appt. We did this back in June. Before W left 3 weeks ago, she asked if that time was okay with me. ?! I'm sorry, did I have a choice? This was after her mini-meltdown so I ignored the email. No contact while she was in field, though she had phone/internet. No surprise, since she was out there with OM. Anyway, she got back last night and came into my office today. "Hi." I greeted her, pleasantly but reservedly. She asked about Burning Man. I told her, then trailed off. She said she just wanted to check about the meeting and if I was okay. I told her I'd be there and left it at that. She said a meek little "okay ..." and left.

Sleeve-tugging. See? Who wants to bet me that since I was kinda blowing her off she's going to contact me again and ask about sharing a ride?

lodo
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 01:53 AM
Hey lodo:

A GF divorced her H b/c he was a professional student and wanted to hide in academia as a student. She was the primary breadwinner. He really didn't show any indication of wanting to grow up and enter the real world. Was very comfortable going to school forever on her dime. Sounds like W has been waffling with school for awhile - well sounds like she lacks the ability to commit and follow through on long term stuff in general.

My last BF before The X sounds a lot like W. I dated him on and off through law school. He did the push/pull thing. For example, invited me to meet his mother. We drove to her house for the weekend - he broke up with me while I was there. He would date other people - I would move away and date other people - and he would come back. I got tired of it after 3 years and didn't even tell him where I was going when I graduated from law school. And when he knew I was done - he pulled the hardest. He really did break my heart - but I really just didn't see a future with him b/c of his behavior.

I think you are handling things perfectly. I think you are right - W will be all over the place over the next few weeks with the approaching D. Let her go. She is only appreciates what she has when she is faced with losing it. And really who wants to put up with a lifetime of that crap.

I would love to hear more about Israel and what you did there when there are less pressing issues on your mind. I am a travel junkie! And you were there on a dig - how fascinating! Are you and archeologist? You don't have to answer if you want to keep your profession off the BB.

take care,
AG
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 04:29 AM
Thanks for that AG. I've reread your 2nd & 3rd paragraph and I guess it resonates. The other thing is, our anniversary is also coming up - 3 weeks. 2 weeks before D is final. Part of me wants to write a letter, say I loved her and am sorry to lose her friendship. I know exactly what to say that will send her over the edge.

But that's manipulation. And what would I get in return? Another breakdown? Another promise followed by self-centered immature crap? She's selfish and doesn't have any empathy. That's the first thing I thought about her and that's what my friends warned me about before we married. She is an incredible woman - incredible! - but she has no empathy. It's all about her.

The problem is, we really do have an incredible connection. I say that as someone who knows. When we're in the room together, the air crackles - she feels it as strongly as I do. I realize I can't deal with her, but d*mn it's hard not to forgive everything just to feed off that energy! When we let ourselves, we can become hungry for each other's company. She's in denial right now, but her actions speak louder - the sleeve-tugging is trying to maintain the connection. She thinks we'll be friends so she can pursue her own selfish ends but still have my emotional connection. WRONG!

Israel? Lol - what an experience. No, I'm not an archaeologist. I am capable of doing extreme video production, so went over to document this dig. It was financed by a fanatic looking for the tomb of moses. He was trying to find the lost ark of the covenant. Needless to say, it was quite an experience!

lodo
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 03:17 PM
hey lodo, are you up for the movie tonight...5:30 your time?

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 03:20 PM
probably not. Have to meet with D judge this afternoon with STBXW and am planning to take some time for a long walk afterwards. I'll be okay, just know my mind will be spinning a bit.
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 03:43 PM
Do you want us to wait for you? I'll be thinking of you today.

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 03:47 PM
you can watch without me
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 04:18 PM
Tons of hugs are coming your way!!

kat
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 04:19 PM
Hey lodo:

Good luck with today! Make sure you do something for yourself.


Quote:
Part of me wants to write a letter, say I loved her and am sorry to lose her friendship. I know exactly what to say that will send her over the edge.

But that's manipulation. And what would I get in return? Another breakdown? Another promise followed by self-centered immature crap? She's selfish and doesn't have any empathy. That's the first thing I thought about her and that's what my friends warned me about before we married. She is an incredible woman - incredible! - but she has no empathy. It's all about her.


I think there will come a time soon when you will want to figure out what you want. Do you want to remain connected or let her go? The letter will maintain a connection and extend the drama. I think it is possible that she will try to maintain a connection with you - maybe even want to have an affair or a fling again someday! \:o Or do you want to be able to exorcise her from your brain/heart and open it up to a new life?

But you know that - your next paragraph touches on the inner conflict between the "connection" and price one pays for that "connection...

Quote:
She is an incredible woman - incredible! - but she has no empathy. It's all about her.

The problem is, we really do have an incredible connection. I say that as someone who knows. When we're in the room together, the air crackles - she feels it as strongly as I do. I realize I can't deal with her, but d*mn it's hard not to forgive everything just to feed off that energy! When we let ourselves, we can become hungry for each other's company. She's in denial right now, but her actions speak louder - the sleeve-tugging is trying to maintain the connection. She thinks we'll be friends so she can pursue her own selfish ends but still have my emotional connection. WRONG!


The former BF and The X were both men that generated a similar type of energy. It was weird when The X and I worked on our settlement - we did it by exchanging emails - and that energy manifested itself to where when we were done - it was weird feeling - almost a let down. I was carpet bombed by The X - it was this type of energy that usually led to our reconcilliations... But after what ended up being the last one even though I felt the energy - I knew I didn't want that anymore... We had something - but that something was simply not conducive to an LTR.

And while there was that energy - the paradox was that the drama was necessary to keep that high alive.

I had gone to C shortly after former BF dumped me (the first time) at his mother's and before The X - and I was in transition myself. I generated a similar aura "exciting" aura - perhaps still do when I am completely relaxed...part of why I am afraid of attracting men that are interested in the restless side of my personality... BUT I now value men that are interesting - but reliable and have a calming effect on me. Men that have what it takes to enjoy the fun and are interesting- but also embrace the mundane and predictable. I want someone that I know will be there when I wake up in the morning when I am 125.

Your posts are triggering deep thoughts at my end and helping me define what I want...(and providing me with an excuse to procrastinate) Thanks!

In any case, perhaps you might ask yourself the question - you asked me to ask myself... What do you want in an LTR?

take care,
AG


Posted By: WCW Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 10:59 PM
(((((((((((((lodo))))))))))))))))
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 11:07 PM
How are you? Keeping an eye out for you.

kat
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 11:32 PM
It's official. The judge signed the divorce decree. As of Oct. 22 it will be legal.

I had no clue this was going to happen. I thought we were going to a private meeting but we showed up and it was a courtroom. We were eventually taken back to talk to the judge. She asked a few questions and said she could grant the D right then if we both agreed. I looked at W, who started crying and slowly shook head yes.

We went back out to the courtroom. Did all the swearing in and stuff. Judge asked W if she was the petitioner and whether she thought M was irreconcilably broken. W started crying but said yes. Judge asked whether W thought she was sure there was nothing counseling could do to fix things. W really started crying and couldn't answer for awhile. Finally said yes. Then it was over.

We went outside and she started crying. I hugged her and we stayed like that for awhile. Then she said, "We're probably the only people who leave divorce court and hug." We sat down and talked awhile. I told her neither of us was making the other feel special. I thought that we could reconnect, but that'd intrude on her PhD plans. She flinched a bit at that, but said she didn't feel that way. Said she didn't understand herself, but couldn't deny her feelings. Said she was really happy right now being by herself. I said I didn't understand but I accepted her feelings. She said she knew I needed space so hadn't called, but that I should call her when I'm ready because she'd like to be friends. I said I didn't want to talk to her right now and I probably wouldn't call for a long time, possibly ever. More crying.

We left, stood outside. Looked at each other for awhile and then each said a single goodbye. She started crying again and put her hand on my chest. Then I turned and walked away. \:\(

lodo
Posted By: LL44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 11:37 PM
Oh man, I am torn up for you. Lodo, I am so very sorry. So sorry. Not much else I can say but that. One more thing: you are a man's man. A true gentleman. After everything W has put you through, you consoled her today out of love and compassion. You are amazing. I am just sorry W cannot see that.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 11:42 PM
I am so sorry lodo...

take care,
AG
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/16/08 11:50 PM
lodo,

I am so sorry for how things ended......... No matter how much times passes, these situations still drive a stake through my heart.... I wish there was something I could say..... Words fail at times like this....

You'll both be in my prayers....

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 12:13 AM
Lodo -

What a tough day for you. I hope you take some time to think about your future as opposed to dwelling on the past right now. I know you felt that your W and you were soul mates and that was true in your heart. She just did not see it that way and sometimes you just have to let them go to find their own happiness.

I think you ended your marriage in a good way which should make it much easier to have a new beginning. Take your time and I am sure that you will find someone better.

I just started reading "Mars and Venus on a Date" and I think it might be worth your reading when you decide you are ready to enter the dating life again. There is some good stuff in it about relationships in general that is very enlightening.
Posted By: kat727 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 12:15 AM
I wish I had the words that I knew would make your pain go away. It seems to keep happening over and over again. You distance yourself and think you can get through this and then something triggers it all over again. It does get better, I promise. I wouldn't have believed that myself a mere 2 months ago, but it does. I am here if you want to talk. Hugs.

kat
Posted By: Sara Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 12:27 AM
What can anyone say? Her actions (the crying) say one thing, and she says another. From this vantage point, it doesn't make any sense.
Posted By: fightingirish Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 12:35 AM
No it doesn't make sense.. Im so sorry. I pray for a miracle for you.
Posted By: fig Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 04:23 AM
ugh

and

i am sorry

hugs to you lodo
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 06:05 AM
It will be ok lodo, it will
I'm sorry for your hurt.

(( lodo ))
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 06:08 AM
Thanks everyone.

At least it's in black and white now - no more grey. And I told her I wouldn't talk to her unless it was an emergency. That will help me.

Time does help. It doesn't heal everything, but it helps us become numb.

Hmm, that makes me sound like I'm a Pink Floyd song .... Maybe I am. Am I on the dark side of the moon? Do I wish you were here?

lodo
Posted By: Kalni Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 08:11 AM
Hey, you want share a drink with me? I'll give you a hug too. And maybe make you laugh with my English...

I am sorry. All this crying and hurt is so unfair. Unfair for you to see. It's like the last scene is there to remind you what it could have been. I am sorry.

You will be fine lodo. Not just numb. You will be healed. Dont doubt that. The heart is a magnificent organ. It becomes whole again even if it was broken in 100 pieces. You will see. The more we hurt the more love we are able to give in the future.

Take care,
hugs and kisses
Maria
Posted By: gForce Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 09:43 AM
Sorry lodo. You are a true gentleman. My heart goes out to you. No genius words of wisdom. Just sorry.
Posted By: ernest88 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 11:26 AM
wow, Lodo...I don't know what to say.

I am very impressed by the way you handled this with grace and dignity.

I also find it a little unnerving that what you thought was a simple meeting turned into a surprise divorce proceeding. Wouldn't you think that your STBX would have known what this was?? It just seems odd to me.

I also find it your STBX's actions odd, during and after the hearing.

Hang in there brother. I see good things for a great man like you.
Posted By: pat44 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 05:35 PM
Hi lodo:

Quote:
Time does help. It doesn't heal everything, but it helps us become numb.


I know it doesn't feel like it now - but there really will come a day where you will go beyond numb to feel alive again. There really will come a day when this R will fade into relative insignificance compared to the other events in your life.

Meanwhile for now - hang in there and be nice to yourself as you ride out this part of surviving the big D. Go away somewhere - or do what you need to do for you.

take care,
AG

Posted By: qoe100 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 07:15 PM
Originally Posted By: lwb
One more thing: you are a man's man. A true gentleman. After everything W has put you through, you consoled her today out of love and compassion. You are amazing. I am just sorry W cannot see that.


This is so true. I'm sorry that it came to this.........
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/17/08 07:58 PM
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
I also find it your STBX's actions odd, during and after the hearing.


M from Tennessee,

I think the reaction is very typical of the self centered. She wanted to let it be known she was feeling some pain or emotion. Yet, she wanted lodo to still feel a connection to her by sharing and consolation. She WANTED this scene to be etched into his memory forever. It makes it much more difficult for the normal caring person to totally detach and walk away. She is essentially saying, "I am feeling all of these things. Yet, YOU can still walk away?" This is clearly more cake eating in this guy's eyes.......

RMG
Posted By: Sara Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 01:56 AM
What an interesting perspective. I never thought of that, but it makes perfect sense. Of course, her emotions are so huge! She feels so much! But yes, she feels nothing for him.
Posted By: Lyn Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 02:58 AM
Originally Posted By: lwb
Oh man, I am torn up for you. Lodo, I am so very sorry. So sorry. Not much else I can say but that. One more thing: you are a man's man. A true gentleman. After everything W has put you through, you consoled her today out of love and compassion. You are amazing. I am just sorry W cannot see that.


{{{{Lodo}}}}} so sorry. I don't know what else to say.
Posted By: Bridgestone Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 12:13 PM


((((Lodo)))

Your compassion & control is amazing. I can only imagine the hurt & pain your were/are feeling.

From the dixie chicks:
----------
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
-----------
Be gentle with yourself, you are worth it.

Peace
Bridge
Posted By: BethM Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 12:39 PM
Good morning lodo,

I'm so sorry to hear of your ambush divorce. Way to go in making a divorce tougher than it already is. In a way you might look back and feel this was for the best. If it was going to happen anyway, at least you may have been spared some of the stress and anxiety that builds during the weeks preceeding our court dates. Just trying to look for the silver lining in all of this!

I also wonder what your wife's reaction was all about. It's just hard to understand how their brain works or whether they even know what it is they want.

Anyway, here's to a bright and joyfilled future. When the dust settles everything will seem much clearer!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: ernest88 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 02:10 PM
Originally Posted By: RMG
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
I also find it your STBX's actions odd, during and after the hearing.


M from Tennessee,

I think the reaction is very typical of the self centered. She wanted to let it be known she was feeling some pain or emotion. Yet, she wanted lodo to still feel a connection to her by sharing and consolation. She WANTED this scene to be etched into his memory forever. It makes it much more difficult for the normal caring person to totally detach and walk away. She is essentially saying, "I am feeling all of these things. Yet, YOU can still walk away?" This is clearly more cake eating in this guy's eyes.......

RMG


I see and understand this totally now.
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 06:39 PM
Lodo, so sorry. I'm surprised your XW or your L or someone didn't warn you!!! That's horrible to do it that way!!! Well always horrible, but ykwim. I don't know what to say really, but I do know that you are a wonderful guy and deserve a wonderful R with someone that can really be there for you. I know that will happen for you when you're ready eventually. ((((Lodo))))) Karen
Posted By: lodo Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/18/08 11:56 PM
Thanks everyone. I'm okay. It sure has given me closure in a big way.

I think you're right RMG - never thought about it that way. My XW was never very empathetic, but she is extremely good at self-justification. I remember her telling me how she ended the few pseudo-relationships she'd been in. Was much the same. She felt bad that she'd destroyed the friendship but didn't think about it too much beyond that. Then when they wouldn't talk to her, she acted like it was all their deal. Obviously she can be a pretty unemotional person.

Problems also going on at work, mainly because of my unproductivity during sitch but combined with my supervisor's lack of good management. Guess who's been set up as the fall guy. I need to re-evaluate a lot of stuff, I guess, and figure out where I'm headed. In the meantime, I can certainly turn things around now that I know the lay of the land. I'll play their game until I don't need to anymore.

I guess I need to finally address the question, what happens next?

lodo
Posted By: smith18 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/19/08 12:25 AM
Originally Posted By: lodo
I guess I need to finally address the question, what happens next?

Now begins the rest of your life. Make it however you wish.
Posted By: karen43 Re: The Mambo Craze (13) - 09/19/08 02:45 AM
Originally Posted By: lodo
I guess I need to finally address the question, what happens next?

lodo
No, I'm a procrastinator and I think waiting is always a good idea! \:\) It seems like very soon and maybe not a good time for you to be making big changes anyway? I mean you could start thinking about changes you want to make, but I don't think you should feel pressured or rush into anything now. ((((Lodo))))) Karen
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