So it has been a long couple of weeks. A lot has happened and a lot of things will be happening in the near future.
Tawny still has not spoken with her mom. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow. She is doing better, she has been making a considerable effort to help out around the house and make things better for us. She referred to us as roommates the other day, which I found a bit funny.
I filed for sole custody of tawny and the papers should be served this coming week sometime. I also filed a response saying that I object to Carrie moving to Mississippi under grounds that it will be detrimental to Ross.
I also filed a request for mediation to end this thing and try and get some resolution. I wrote an email to Carrie's lawyer basically telling him to quit milking her for money and that if he costs me anymore money in responses to ridiculous offers made by him and my wife that I will file a civil suit against him for my lawyers fees.
Ross came to me and told me that Carrie told him that she was dating the OM. He said that she told him they have been dating for 2 months. He said that he didnt believe her and that he thought it was much longer. He asked me if OM and I aren't friends because they were dating before that. I asked him if he understood what that meant and he said yes. He started crying and was upset. I told Ross that sometimes people make mistakes and that his mom and OM made one as well.
He wanted to know if OM is the reason that Mom and I are getting divorced. I told him that what happened with mom and OM was one of reason but that there were other reasons as well. I told him that it was ok to be allright with OM and that I would not ever be angry or upset that he is. He asked me if I am still friends with OM and I told him that OM and I are not friends anymore.
I hate that she lied to him, but then again I guess it would be hard to actually tell him the truth of what had happened. I am not quite sure why she even fealt the need to tell him at all right now that she is dating. He said he didn't ask her, so why even tell him right now? Since she chose to tell him, I will not allow her to lie about what that relationship is. She needs to own up to it. She is just so damn lost.
Yesterday was our 16th anniversary. I didn't really think much about it, I was very busy at work thank goodness. Last night my girlfriend came over and cooked me dinner and just hung out for the night. Tawny was supposed to stay at a friends house but when she found out Jaqueline would be over at the house she surprised us by coming home after the movie. She has wanted to meet her since she got home from Colorado.
It was pretty awkward, both Tawny and Jackie were very nervous with each other. Both of them were pretty much red faced and didn't say much. I have to admit it was a little difficult for me as well. I really didn't know what to say or do. They said hi to each other and then Tawny and her 2 friends went up to her room. Jackie made them a plate of Papoosas (A traditional dish of El Salvador) and sent me upstairs with it.
I guess the food lightened the mood because Tawny and the girls came downstairs and spent some time just hanging out with us. Another hurdle overcome I guess.
Overall I think I am doing ok. I still get frustrated somewhat, and I do have moments where I find myself drifting off and thinking about all this stuff with Tawny and her mom. Then I just snap myself out of it and move on with my day. I guess I just want all this legal crap to get over so I can move on completely and have my life back. It will happen someday......
Ian
There you are!!
Was looking for you and your thread had locked.
White wine please....a cheeky chardonnay would be lovely.
You sound good, sounds like you understand a bit of what STBX's logic for why she would lie to S.
Glad Tawny and Jackie seemed to get along.
Onwards buddy....
Ian, my brother from another mother..
I'll take 2 shots of cuervo with a LandShark chaser..I am at the beach after all.
I'm proud of you man. You always seem so under control no matter what. Your doing an awesome job under stressful circumstances.
Hang in there bro.
Ian--
I am glad that Tawny seems to have settled down. I went through the same thing with my son as you have with Ross, and still struggle with him knowing. I couldn't stomach the lies told to the kids.
How far away does Carrie want to move? I don't blame you for trying to keep Ross closer to you than that. The legal stuff just sucks. All around.
Ian..
You lead the way with grace, thought and wisdom.
*hugs*
How far away does Carrie want to move?
She wants to move to Southaven, MS, It is about 20 miles away. The biggest gripe I have with it is that Ross will have to get up 40 minutes earlier for school, around 5:15 every morning. Then drive 45 minutes to school every day.
The reason for the objection to the move is that I need them to give me primary custodial rights to prevent Carrie from registering Ross in school in MS next year. Unfortunately I can'tput it past her to do that.
Ian
ick
legal stuff sucks assssssssssssssssssssssssss.
sorry tawny is going through all this crap with her mom
remember
you are NOT her roommate
don't let her think that way...it puts her in an adult role and she is stilla little girl and wants to be one...to be taken care of and worried over...which I know you do but don't lket her say those things without correcting it.
a roommate smokes and drinks and brings "friends" over to spend the night
roommates are on equal footing
but you know all that...my teacher instinct just flared up!!
it's hard but you are doing good...it will get easier (which brings a whole new set of pangs too)
Well Fig, you and Lissie saying that to me in the past is what immediately popped into my head. Tawny understands that we are roommates to a point. That she has rules to follow and that I am the parent and she is the child. It was very easy to correct, I asked her where her rent money was at
she got the point.
She has figured out that her freedoms and ability to do what she wants is based on her behavior. She knows that she has responsibilities that dictate our day to day routine. She knows she must keep her room clean, her bathroom clean, and help with the dishes. She knows her GPA must stay at or above a 3.0 in order to go out on weekends.
I keep the rules pretty straight forward for her. I figured you would jump at that comment figgy
Ian
Wow, I wish my dad had have been like you Ian. *sigh*
Remember to have some fun though, kay?
Hopefully things will work out with custody of your son, as well. Seems like both kids need you a ton right now.
Wow, I wish my dad had have been like you Ian. *sigh*
Remember to have some fun though, kay?
Purple, this is all very new to me still. I was not a good father for 12 years of Tawny's life and 8 of Ross' and am trying to make it all up now. It took Carrie walking out on me to make me see what is truly important.
As far as fun goes, I try to keep myself happy. I am playing ball again once a week. Going to the gym 3 days a week, and dating a wonderful girl. In fact, Carrie picked up Ross tonight and Tawny is staying at a friends since I have to work in the morning so Jaqueline is coming to stay over tonight. I can't wait to have some alone time with her.
Ian
Awwwwwwww come on now.........don't be so hard on yourself. You might be surprised at what your kids have to say about how they saw you as a Dad. No one tells us how to do this parenting thing. We just do the best we can. Besides, what's important is what you're doing to make sure that the bonds are strong from now on. When they needed you most you stepped up to the plate. That tells the whole story.
So uh, where's my drink? I'm thristy after my travels!
Love,
Bethie
order up Bethie, anything you like
Well it won't be Bushmill I don't know what the heck that is. Or is that just something x rated that you just made up?
Well it won't be Bushmill I don't know what the heck that is. Or is that just something x rated that you just made up?
no, old bushmills is a wonderful Irish whiskey and when served chilled it is about as smooth as a whiskey can be.
Try one, you will like it......
Do you see how I think you could go either way with that?
I will try it. Although I'm not very good with any liguor strait up or on the rocks. I get really happy, reallyyyyy fast! Hey Ian, tell Kev I saw his Cubbies.
I will darlin.... You know he lost a 12 pack to me last night when Missou beat his faggy Illini....
Oh come on, that was a no brainer. I just went to a football party at Mizzou last weekend. They are so hopped up more so than normal. My daughter went to the game with her boyfriend who goes to U of I (as did half of this town). U of I fans do have big dreams this year though since they are in the top 20.
Hi Ian....if you have the energy I could use a little help.
Well, I file the sole custody papers tomorrow. I have to be at my lawyers at 11:00 am to sign off on everything. Lots to think about tonight.
If anyone can see any reasons not to move forward with this, please feel free to express them now. I am not having doubts so to speak, merely needing some validation that I am doing the right thing here. I try very hard to make sure I am putting my kids needs first and even though I believe I am, I still get doubts once in a while because I know that I still have some anger in me.
Anyway, any input would be appreciated..... rough daytoday.....
Ian
I think you are doing the right thing.
She will either be shocked into changing, or she will fight about it just to fight, but not change.
of course you aren't doing the wrong thing
snap out of that funk puddin' head
sole custody doesn't mean she can't see them or work her way back to being a mother
sole custody means you are taking care of your kids right now
no upset tummies
i hate when you get all pukey
i will be thinking of you tomorrow
(it's my prep time;) )
dude..you're being a great dad..I agree with Fig and frank..
snap out of it..
if it's about the kids and you're putting them first then in the end..you are right.
and you can't drink moonshine on an upset tummy.
Carrie sent Tawny this text today:
I hope u r doing well. Know that I love you & my door is always open, if you decide to start treating people differently. I hope that day will come.
So she is putting this off on my daughter, she is blaming Tawny for this situation and trying to make her feel guilty. She is nucking futs
I have my answer on how to proceed. She will not make my daughter feel guilty for having ethics and morals. I will simply not allow it.
Ian
Oooh...I hate that sort of passive aggressive "u know i love u but you don't love me - poor me - i've not done anything wrong"
hugs 2 u ian
Hey Ian,
If there was any other choice I'm sure you would have found it by now, afterall this hasen't been a hasty decision. It's sad that with everything else C has done,that she has also put your back against the wall concerning the kids.
You may not be able to save your marriage but you can save your Babies. Someday you'll look back on all of this and know without a doubt that you did what was right.
Love,
Bethie
Carrie sent Tawny this text today:
I hope u r doing well. Know that I love you & my door is always open, if you decide to start treating people differently. I hope that day will come.
So she is putting this off on my daughter, she is blaming Tawny for this situation and trying to make her feel guilty. She is nucking futs
I have my answer on how to proceed. She will not make my daughter feel guilty for having ethics and morals. I will simply not allow it.
Ian
holy chitt...batchitt crazy she is..
Laying guilt on a child..that stuff drives me crazy..uses guilt as a weapon..
looks like you for sure have your answer.
raspberries
she is a punk
and
you know how I deal with punks
twist their arms
while telling them to knock it the f off
and then
face plant them on the wall or floor
its called nonviolent crisis intervention
and
im trained
(just sayin)
and
i do have that stare thing
Well, it happened. I signed the papers today at 11:30am. When I dropped off Ross at Carrie's house she sent him up to the apartment and she got in my car. I will try and quote but my memory is not the best:
C- WTF is wrong with you?
Me- Ummm nothing that I know of.
C- You filed a motion to stop me from moving? Why the F did you do that?
Me- I did not sign to prevent you from moving, you can move wherever you like. My petition clearly states that I want primary custodial rights for Ross so you cannot enroll him in school in Mississippi. I also am concerned about the drive to school every morning.
C- What is your problem I just want this over with. I would never enroll him in school down there. Don't you trust me?
Me- Are you kidding me? No I don't trust you, you have given me no reason to and so I will protect myself and our children. If you want this over then tell your lawyer to quit milking you for money and actually schedule the mediation instead of making me ludicrous offers of settlement.
C- What do you want, how do we end this because I am sick of you.
Me- Give me sole custody of Tawny, take half the debt, and primary custodial rights for Ross and we are good to go.
C- No, I will not take half the debt.
Me- ok, so schedule the mediator and they can decide.
It was craziness. I asked her why she took Ross to OM's house Monday night when we agreed not to introduce other people to him until the D was done. She said it was just dinner with a friend. I said a friend who you told our son you were dating. Which by the way you failed to tell him the truth.
She rambled on some more, at this point I was simply sick of listening. She is twisted and just doesn't get that this crap is of her own doing. She still thinks I am hanging on and merely out to get her. It's just pure insanity. I smiled throughout the conversation. Didn't lose my cool at all. She got out of the car angry as hell and slammed my door.
I figure blow up number two will come when she sees her new child support amount with me having Tawny full time. She already threatened to stop making her payment to my mom for a loan she gave us. I will take on that debt myself to save face with my family. I guess she is going to lash out at this point and do whatever she can to hurt me now.
Should be a hell of a ride coming up y'all.....Stay tuned......
I am sorry I haven't been posting much on other threads, I just am having a hard time being empathetic and offering up positive solutions and advice right now. I like to think I know when to keep my distance on here. I will be back to it soon, just need to get over these hurdles presently in my path.
And Bean, a special thank you for what you did, it meant a lot to me.
Ian
Ian
she is nuts
you are not
end of story
and
balls to the wall baby
I am so proud of you
Cuddles if you like 'em Ian....
It sounds like drama is comfortable for her. She wants to stay connected to you and drama is a safe way for her to do that. I think that's why she doesn't want to let go.
I felt sad when she only responded to taking on half the debt. Did she not even blink about sole custody of Tawny?
What is the go with Ross? I want to be clear about who he is gonig to live with as far as you're concerned. Only for my own curiosity!
Thanks figgy, in fact thanks to all of you guys who help me feel stronger in my decisions. I don't know what I would do without y'alls positive reinforcement.
It was a tough day today and I am worn out. so it's off to bed for me.
Ian
Cuddles if you like 'em Ian....
It sounds like drama is comfortable for her. She wants to stay connected to you and drama is a safe way for her to do that. I think that's why she doesn't want to let go.
I felt sad when she only responded to taking on half the debt. Did she not even blink about sole custody of Tawny?
What is the go with Ross? I want to be clear about who he is gonig to live with as far as you're concerned. Only for my own curiosity!
No she really didn't even blink about Tawny. Ross will continue to be with me one week and her the next. 50/50 split. She is gone off the deep end with the Tawny thing. It doesn't even phase me now and until you asked, I really didn't think much of it. Amazing.......
Ian
take some metamucil
you know stress and your tummy
and
sleep a dreamless sleep
you fought a good fight today
a dad fight
good for you
She is gone off the deep end with the Tawny thing. It doesn't even phase me now and until you asked, I really didn't think much of it.
she is f'in crazy Ian. Batchitt crazy..Texting her D with that bullchitt, walking away from her basically. it's pathetic IMO.
You're fighting the goodfight Ian. it's about the kids. They should be #1 and you're doing that.
Keep it up. Lot's of us are learning from you right now..
You're a good daddy Ian. I'm proud of you.
Hey Ian..
It's impressive and good to see how you proceed in a emotionally heartbreaking situation, especially with Carrie who before the bomb was a mom extraordinaire.
You are teaching your daughter what to expect in a man, what to love in a dad, what to respect in a father. She knows she is protected. And if, on the off chance she is manipulating the situation, you have an eye out for that, too. When wacky things happen, I figure there's a nugget of truth somewhere. Please don't be offended, that's just the way I think.
Good job and good luck.
*hugs*
Ian--
You did really well; keep being strong.
I noticed the same thing she did - make a stink about the money before a word about the children.
We'll keep checking in with you; no worries about visiting out when you need to pool your resources.
Ian...
As being referred to as the 'flowery word' person I must say I am speechless. I am at a loss as to how a parent can put themselves first over their own children. Batchiit doesn't even come close to describing your W. To only be upset about the debt and if she can move or not is so self centered.
Don't ever question yourself when it comes to your kids, you were literally backed into a corner the only choice you had was the one you made. You are an a good father and are growing to accomplish that everyday.
The way you handle yourself with your W is truly a mark of how far you have come and how completely detached you are to her craziness. To sit in the car and listen to her rant and rave and to stay perfectly calm speaks volumes my friend.
Stay the person you have become you are showing your kids what a adult is about and giving them a map of how to be treated by others. Tawny knows this and when you have doubts just take a moment and look at the letter she wrote on her myspace to you and that will confirm what you are doing is right...
Brian
So, my FIL calls me and gives me hell about the filing to stop Carrie from moving until she designates me as custodial parent. He won't listen to a word I say and tells me that I am being abusive. Then he tells me he won't be speaking to me again and hangs up on me. Nice.......
I sent him this email:
Dad,
I understand your frustration with things, and I am sorry that it came to this. However, you really haven't spoken to me in over 6 months anyway and do not know everything you believe you know.
You called me abusive, I disagree. You have absolutely no idea what has transpired over the last year. Carrie continues to blame me for the divorce not being final, but the reality is it is not done because her lawyer chooses to play games. He knew that mediation was needed to resolve this and yet continued to milk your daughter for money.
You believe that I should simply trust Carrie and not protect myself and my kids from possible repurcussions of her move, well tell me why I should trust her Jack, because I can't for the life of me figure that out. Her actions in the last 2 years do not justify trust on my part. Her actions in the last three weeks with our daughter/your grandaughter do not justify trust.
I will keep this brief and not go into it to deep. All that I will say to you is this, you do not know everything about what has happened. You merely hear what you want to make this all go away. Your acceptance of Carrie's relationship with the man she had an affair with tells me that you don't care about the truth. The man I know and respect would not support such actions. 2 families were destroyed because of this relationship, and you are supporting it? I would have never thought you would and I know that if this was Judy doing this to you, you would behave quite differently.
So for now, you hear what you want to hear, you believe what you want to believe, and you put your morals and ethics aside simply because it is your daughter. I respect that you love Carrie very much and this is what you need to do right now.
If you ever choose to have a real discussion with me where you actually listen to what I say, i will be glad to do so. Until then, take care of yourself and the family.
Now I will wait for round three. Not sure what the hell that will be,maybe OM will want to give me a piece of his mind
Blech I am tired of this crap........
Ian
i love when the OP tries to tell you the truth
its my favorite
and
it gives you the opportunity to calmly (because they will be yelling) tell them they are fucktards and to shove it up their asses
heres hoping you get to say it
and
i have a little experience with abusive
you aren't abusive
misguided, maybe
thoughtless, sometimes (we all are)
fall asleep on the phone, for sure
but not abusive
Now I will wait for round three. Not sure what the hell that will be,maybe OM will want to give me a piece of his mind
If he were to do that, what would he have left to work with?
ahh the rescuers..they see no bad in what their sons/daughters caused. All they know is if they don't "take sides" and support their batchitt crazy kids then they risk their kids getting pissed at them.
It's a viscious cycle. It's almost like the WAW's mom and dad walk into the fog with them and nothing is clear anymore.
You did good on the email brother. Hang in there. Hope Tawny is OK
Think we may be able to golf in October/Novemeber???
I agree with M
Bravo Ian...........
Precise, short and to the point. In fact you said most of the things I only dream of saying to my MIL. Maybe you'll get a response, maybe you won't. It really doesn't matter because these people have forever changed your relationship by their actions. I of course will always hope for RIGHT to win out but I no longer sit around waiting. It hurts too much!
Love,
Bethie
I think the email was spot on. I also love the few anectodes sprinkled throughout this page (f***tards LOL) and piece of mind/nothing to work with.
Two months after our bomb hit, we went to his folks for Christmas. When we left I hugged his parents (figured I wouldn't see them much...) and his dad acted weird. I found out later that he had told them ALLLLLLLLLLLL about me (and none of anything about him as it happens).
His dad called me a whore, etc. so I never went back over. Then he died. I went to visit his mom and told her I was sorry that I had not been by but I knew I was unwelcome, and I knew how they felt about me (from what their son told me.)
She said he never said any of that.
I did tel her that she didn't know everything and that CG had been around a LOT longer than any of them knew...but she doesn't believe he would have cheated on me. (Because he's a saint see...whatev!)
More confirmation that the ex is a liar and can't be trusted but it does make me sad also.
Hope your Wednesday is a good one Ian!
So no real progress made this weekend. It was Tawny's 15th birthday. Carrie took Ross to breakfast that morning and when she returned she sent a bag in for Tawny with a card and a ring. She did not come in and see her daughter for her birthday, she did not call her daughter on her birthday, and she did not text her daughter on her birthday.
She wrote this semi mushy card to Tawny which at least contained no guilt in it, other than that, nothing.
Pretty sad to say the least. Also her parents didnt call Tawny or send a birthday card or anything, se la vie.....
Tawny's friend shared the same birthday so they had a joint party with lots of friends and a giant slumber party with like 15 girls. Not at my house thank god
I think overall it was a good birthday for Tawny.
My mom saw Carrie with OM this weekend walking down the street holding hands. It was very sad as my mom hasn't had to see that side of it up until now. Of course my mom is very old fashioned and believes it to be incredibly wrong while we are still legally married, but I think it was more that it hurt for her to see it. Carrie and her were very close and of course Carrie has blown her off as well.
I am doing fairly well. Enjoyed my week with both kids and got to spend Saturday night doing laundry and watching movies with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and ended up staying the night. It was actually very nice and fealt great waking up Sunday morning and having someone special to make breakfast for.
My feelings for Yakeline have been getting stronger lately. I think for a long time I have tried to keep them at bay simply because of my situation. I just know that when I am with her I feel great, I know that she makes me very happy, and I know that there is something very special about her for me. I do however think that I am scared to death of it. I know that I do think about what happened and whether or not it will happen again with someone else.
I have to figure out how to trust again.... I have to figure out how to be able to not think the worst is going to happen. I know some of you have had experience with this, so how do you go about getting past the hurt and betrayal when it comes to new relationships?
Ian
time
faith
and some stiff drinks
i mean
at least thats how i did it
also
you will have lots of questions
lots of doubts
your partner needs to be strong enough to deal with those and not take them personal
and
finally
you need to know yourself
what makes you tick
what sets you off
and
your motives for being in a relationship
Happy Birthday T BUG. FIFTEEN? sigh that means you are sooo much older.
Um
anywhoo.
she sent a bag in for Tawny with a card and a ring
Actually I am a bit impressed under the circumstances of Carrie being an ass munch.
She did not come in and see her daughter for her birthday, she did not call her daughter on her birthday, and she did not text her daughter on her birthday.
She wrote this semi mushy card to Tawny which at least contained no guilt in it, other than that, nothing
So when are you going to stop having any expectations of her? Aren't you tired of you wanting her to be someone she is not.
I know she was someone wonderful for a very long time. I know that she took the bulk of parenting for a good 12 years. I know that she was one of those moms that you can write a commercial about.
That moms is gone. I am sorry. I pray that she returns one day for the sake of your children.
I think it is time for you to focus on what she DOES bring to the table. A ring, a halfy mushy card, a hi once in a while, or a TM once in a while.
Are they good enought? ABSOLUTELY
NOT.
But it is what she offers. Is T bug worth more than the occasional scrap, totally.
Point out to her what she DOES have, and both of you try no to focus on what she DOES not bring to the table. Easier said than done? yes. Do you have to keep reminding yourselves of the good? yes.
Why?
Not b/c of Carrie. This has nothing to do with her half ass attempt of being a worthy human being.
Focusing on the good is for you and for Tawny and for Ross.
So you can all heal a little each day. Mourning the loss of a marriage, is so hard already. Children take their time healing, so in that process of healing for Tawny, try to turn it to positive as much as you can.
I know it is hard, it is hard work when all of this is on our shoulders.
As for Senorita, slow and steady wins the race. Be as honest as possible. Be a gentleman always.
It is unfair for us to put out baggage on to somone that is not desrving of it, so that means that just b/c you are in an R, it does not mean that you stop working on yourself.
You know the drill.
and if she is as patient as she has been, then it is all good.
I know it is scary. It gets less scary. Well it better.
Ian, hope you are well. Sorry to hear of the continued crazy stuff.
I do however think that I am scared to death of it. I know that I do think about what happened and whether or not it will happen again with someone else.
perfectly natural and normal feelings. If your changes are true Ian then should you really fear this? You can only control you and your feelings. Fear was a biggy for me but I was too stupid to realize that we sometimes fall back on "old habits" even when we are with someone new. I fell back on those old habits. They were easy for me to remember and take hold of. If you have the knowledge and these old habits are gone then is there really anything to fear?
I have to figure out how to trust again.... I have to figure out how to be able to not think the worst is going to happen. I know some of you have had experience with this, so how do you go about getting past the hurt and betrayal when it comes to new relationships?
have faith. Trust is not built over night. It's a on going, long process. I'm sure as time goes on then your trust issues will resolve themselves.
The worst may happen again Ian. We can't predict the future. if you've changed for the better then IMO, YOUR part of the past can't rear it's ugly head in a new relationship.
It's hard to put yourself back out there I know. I've been there, done that..and still got my assss busted..learn and grow, be a better person..that's what it's all about.
Please wish Tawny a belated birthday for me.
Hey folks, just popping in for a quickie.
Mediation tomorrow, basically feeling like I will be pissing away $200 that I don't have only to disagree on the same old shiite.....
Friday the judge hears my petition to stop her from relocating to MS.
What a wonderful couple of days these should be
Oh, and she still hasn't seen Tawny in 8 weeks.... mom of the year I tell ya.......
Ian
Just two more days....I have everything crossed for you and the kids.
Hang in there buddy. I know you will. I know how strong you are..
Oh, and she still hasn't seen Tawny in 8 weeks.... mom of the year I tell ya.......
Blech
she is una come mierda! ooops
Oh, and she still hasn't seen Tawny in 8 weeks.... mom of the year I tell ya.......
Blech
she is una come mierda! ooops
Uh, what she said!
And good luck tomorrow.
Hi Ian!!!!
It has been a long time. I was reading up and catching up on you and it seems you are doing great. Of course you still have some hurdles to jump but other than that I see a strong man. I'm happy for you.
I just wanted to stop in and say hi!!!!
So, to sum it up, she's still crazy and you're still a terrific guy and wonderful dad. Yup, just about what I expected to hear.
Hang in there!
Hi all, don't have a lot of time. Just wanted to say today went great. I will be officially divorced very soon. We mediated the entire thing out and came to an agreement. I will post details later tonight, lets just say that allthough it is truly sad that it came to this, I am about as happy as can be right now. More to come......
Ian
Oh, GREAT news!!! I will catch up with you in the morning (can't do another 1am night...)
hugs to T and all....
Glad things went well, Ian.
Cannot wait to read your update. I am disgusted by the way your W is treating Tawny. Shame she cannot accept the truth.
SMW
Yesterday ended up being a good day. On my way to the mediator I just kept thinking that I have to let go of my anger and my issues with Carrie and simply go in there as a father rather than a husband. I wanted to make sure that I did things the way they should be done and not simply act out of my own hurt, anger, and fears.
When it came to Tawny and determining her custody I told the mediator and Carrie that my goal is for my D to have a mother, not the opposite. Therefore I a tiered custody scenario based on Carrie and Tawny each seeing a therapist for the next year was put into place. If Carrie attends and improves then her vistation with Tawny will be returned in full in one years time. However, if she does not do what is right then Tawny remains with me based on the decisions of a mutually agreed upon counsellor/therapist.
Her child support as well will start off based on me having sole custody of Tawny and then be adjusted every 3 months for a year bringing it back to the current level if all goes well.
I agreed on her move once all the facts were on the table. She is moving to Mississippi, however it is only 18 miles from where we currently live. She also agreed to sign an indemnity clause stating that she won't enroll either child in school down there and that the state of Tennessee maintains jurisdiction on the case.
If she breaks this rule then she has agreed to pay all Lawyers fees and court costs that I would incur should I have to take her back to court. The bottom line on the house was that a friend at work had lost a child from illness and didnt want to stay in that home because of memories. It is a great home in a good location with a family oriented neighborhood. It will be good for Ross while he stays with her. He will have a safe neighborhood to ride his bike and play in, that is what really matters.
We also came to an agreement on the splitting of all marital debts and assetts. So once the Lawyers type it up and we both sign it before a judge, I will be legally divorced. It is time.....
I think it through Carrie off to see me not personalize the case. I did throw a few verbal jabs at her and her attorney, but nothing over the top.
On my way home I texted her and told her that Ross had a school function that I was taking him to and I thought that he would be happy if she came as well. She decided to meet us ther and we all ate together and watched the choir perform. It was good for our son to see that mom and dad can get along and he still has both his parents to support him with his school functions.
When I got home Tawny had her report card waiting for me. Last year was not a good one for her, she ended with a 1.7 GPA. Her reprot card was good, 3 B's,1 C, and 1 A. I texted Carrie and let her know how Tawny did. She sent me back a text that said, " wow so she really improved". I texted back and told her that yes, Tawny did great this term and I am very proud of her. She replied and said she was to and thanked me for sharing that info.
I think it was a good step. I truly hope that Carrie can get her shiit together and play some kind of role in Tawny's life at some point. No teenage girl should be without their mom IMHO, and I will be praying that they can both get it resolved over the next year.
So as I said, overall a good day. I am happy with the result and to be honest, it fealt great being able to let go and put my kids needs ahead of mine.
Ian
good stuff brother..good and timely for me. How about saying a little prayer that your buddy from the east can do the same on Wednesday..
Ian...
I'm soooo glad to read this. Good on you and good on Carrie for stepping up to the plate, sounds as though things went well. Interaction seemed positive and to actually get together and support your son WOW!!
You sound very positive and upbeat, maybe there was something magical in that bowl of soup.
Brian
Nicely handled, Ian. Very glad things are finally settling into place for you and everyone else as well. Stay happy!
hey ian,
glad you've reached a stable place. Challenges ahead, but the worst is over.
Look what the cat dragged in...
Just catching up a little - as always, good talking to you this afternoon, and glad to see things are finally coming to a conclusion - sad that it came to this perhaps, but you deserve closure here so you can go on with your life in a way that's best for you and your kids. Finish line's in sight, don't let up now...
We need to GOLF soon dude, the weather is just toooo fantastic - and why couldn't I have bet on the Illini THIS weekend...
Kev
Ian...
Thanks for stoppin by and wackin me in the head, it was needed and appreciated.
Brian
whats up y'all??? Not a lot going on with me. Same old same old.
Tawny hasnt seen her mom in a little over 3 months now.We start family therapy next Monday, should be interesting. As far as Carrie is concerned it seems that the finality of our battle has given her a calming affect. She hasn't raised a fuss at all since the mediation and actually has been pretty nice when we have spoken.
I told her Tawny needed some school clothes and she sent an extra $50 with her support payment. Overall things are going ok for me. Feels kind of strange not having anything to post, but I guess I should be happy.
As far as me, everything is pretty good. The economy is definitely hitting my job, but I feel pretty confident that my position is secure. I am still seeing the same girl and things are going really well with her. Overall I am pretty happy right now.
Hope everyone else is doing well. I will try and catch up on some threads soon.
Ian
Sofar,
It's been awhile. I am glad to see that there is some sort of peace after the burning embers. It gives me some hope for my rapidly dissolving M and extremely heated family atmosphere. Not that it matters much but I think you handled things extremely well under very difficult circumstances...peace
Thanks for your help on the board!
Hi Ian! Do you look in on your own thread ever?
Hi Ian! Do you look in on your own thread ever?
Pretty rare lately, just busy as heck with life y'all.......
First day of therapy for Tawny and I today. I saw the therapist first. She asked a lot of tough questions that brought up a lot of old emotions. I tried not to get emotional, but the reality is that rehashing all that shitt just hurts, probably always will.
The good news.....wait for it....wait for it........
TAWNY LIKES HER Anyway, I think this is going to be a great thing and hopefully gives Tawny another outlet for her frustrations with Carrie. We shall see........
Ian
Ian--
I am so glad that Tawny is getting the outlet she needs and she likes her! I go to meet with the T for D9 this Thursday. It is just me meeting with the T this time, then D starts her evaluation next week. I am hopeful that we can get something resolved.
SMW
Sofar,
I know that you are the elder kingpin on the threads and wondered if you had any idea how I can reach Big hands or figgy? I had tried to no avail with figgy's instructions and there are a couple of things I wanted to discuss with them. Anyway, if you know or can, can you give me an idea on my thread gasping for air in piecing? thanks...peace
hey whapu, I do know how, but cannot figure out how to tell you that on the boards. If you know anyone that knows how to contact me outside of here, then no problem.....
Ian
Whapu--I found figgy per her instructions...have you tried everything?
Thanks Ian and Aud! Yes I did eventually find them and don't want to vaporize here before I relate how much I really appreciate all your advice and thoughts from both of you through these murky times. I will be peering in from time to time to keep in the "universal loop"...peace
Quick update, I went to my lawyers yesterday and signed the MDA so all that is required now is a court date to go before the judge and it will be official.
Carrie still hasn't spoken with Tawny at all. She dropped off Ross last night after her visitation. After she left Tawny came downstairs and asked me if her mom even asked about her when I talked to her. She didn't..... What the hell do you say to your child when their mom is just a worthless excuse for a parent?
Tawny is missing that female in her life. She told me that she misses the old Carrie. That she remembers when she would be upset and her and her mom would go get ice cream and watch movies when she was down. She said she misses that mom and is sad that she will never have that with Carrie again.
I simply told her that I hoped that one day her mom will come to her senses and Tawny will have that again in her life.
I truly believe that every day of no contact causes more and more damage that will have to be overcome at some point. As time goes by it will get harder and harder for Carrie to ever reach her if she does want to.
Everything else is going well, I am at the final stages of my cold. At least I seem to remember nurse Lissie telling me the brown flem was a sign that it is almost over.
Anyway, 15 more days to the big 4-0....blech, I am not handling this one very well. Thank god for Just for Men......
Ian
Ian--
And thank God that Tawny has you...how is her IC going?
Quick update, I went to my lawyers yesterday and signed the MDA so all that is required now is a court date to go before the judge and it will be official.
Carrie still hasn't spoken with Tawny at all. She dropped off Ross last night after her visitation. After she left Tawny came downstairs and asked me if her mom even asked about her when I talked to her. She didn't..... What the hell do you say to your child when their mom is just a worthless excuse for a parent?
Tawny is missing that female in her life. She told me that she misses the old Carrie. That she remembers when she would be upset and her and her mom would go get ice cream and watch movies when she was down. She said she misses that mom and is sad that she will never have that with Carrie again.
I simply told her that I hoped that one day her mom will come to her senses and Tawny will have that again in her life.
I truly believe that every day of no contact causes more and more damage that will have to be overcome at some point. As time goes by it will get harder and harder for Carrie to ever reach her if she does want to.
Everything else is going well, I am at the final stages of my cold. At least I seem to remember nurse Lissie telling me the brown flem was a sign that it is almost over.
Anyway, 15 more days to the big 4-0....blech, I am not handling this one very well. Thank god for Just for Men......
Ian
lord..Ian I'm so sorry for Tawny..Carrie is such an idiot..you would think as an adult she could put those bad feelings aside for her child..god it makes me sick..
I hope your cold runs it's course soon..
The big 40...it's true what they say by the way..as soon as I hit 40..I gained weight..my blood pressure went up and cholesterol numbers when up..exercise and diet got me back on track..
Ian--
I am right behind you on the 4-0. I hit it in March. I got a wonderful compliment at church last night, though. An older gentleman asked me if all my kids were mine (I had the littles and D9)I laughed and said yes, and was missing one, D17. He looked at me and said, "YOU have a 17 y/o?" I said yes, since I was 22. He said,"But that would make you almost 40." I said yes, I would be, come spring. He told me I was a blessed woman, as I did not look like the mother of four, much less one that would shortly be 40, as well. Put a nice little spring to my step as I left church last night!
Now, you need to get over to Mike's thread to defend yourself.
SMW
Hey Buddy..Happy Birthday..
Happy Birthday to you!!
Happy Birthday to you!!
Happy Birthday Dear Ian!!
Happy Birthday to you!!!
Hope you have a great day!! We love you!
SMW
Happy Birthday to you!!
Happy Birthday to you!! Hope you had some fun today.
The big 40 is nothing! I,m approaching 2 decades ahead and still feel 25 most days.
Well after 10 in the morning anyway!
So we are now going on 4 months since Tawny bear and her mom have seen each other. They hadn't spoken in 4 months until last night. I will back it up here a bit and give some other background.
On Thanksgiving morning I called Ross to wish him a great day as he was with Carrie this year. My first holiday without my son. I can tell you that it hurt, it hurt deeply and I have a lot of resentment towards Carrie for doing this and putting me in the position to not be with one of my kids for a holiday.
Anyway, she didnt ask to talk to Tawny, didn't even ask how she was, normal actually. At 9:30 that night she sent Tawny a text telling her she hoped she had a good Thanksgiving and that she missed her. Tawny's response was why the hell did she wait until 9:30 at night. She felt like she was an after thought for her mom. I told her not to over react and that who knows why it was so late, but at least she heard from Carrie. I used Swashy as my back drop for that and told her that he and I had talked about it and he brought up these points. Tawny did not buy it, she still feels as though her mom should have called her or texted her earlier.
One week ago Tawny found out that Carrie is taking OM home for Christmas with her family. Of course Tawny is not happy about this and is pissed at her once again. She feels as though Carrie has chosen him over her. In many ways she has, fricken pathetic. As a side note, Carrie's family hasn't spoken with Tawny either. They have apparently taken the stance that Tawny is to blame for her and Carrie's relationship. I know that this is because of how Carrie paints the picture for them. More selfish highs school like behavior from her.
Tawny had another appointment with her therapist last week and spoke to her about all of it. The therapist does not want to bring Carrie in yet until she works with Tawny some more. The therapist also told me that Carrie's behavior may go on for a while. That it is obvious that Carrie is in a very selfish stage and that at this time she feels that Tawny is better off not being around her. She thinks that for the time being Tawny is better off right where she is now. I agree.....
So fast forward to last night, Carrie out of the blue calls Tawny while she is at a friends house for dinner. This was at around 6:30 or so. I am at my moms visiting with her and my phone rings. It is Tawny, she is crying and begging me to call her mom and tell her to leave Tawny alone and not call her anymore. I rushed home to talk with Tawny and try and calm her down.
The jist of the convo between Tawny and her mom. Tawny asked her mom why she was acting as if everything was hunky dorey and asked Carrie if she was ready to talk about things and if Carrie was ready to apologize to her. Carrie proceeded to tell Tawny that she broke her heart, that it was all Tawny's fault the way her and her mom are right now. That this was tawny's choice that she made. Tawny hung up on her after telling her she was full of it.
By the time I got home, Tawny had called her mom back. I guess she laid into Carrie pretty hard about everything. Carrie denied telling Tawny she had to accept OM, basically denied ever having said that which is garbage. She told Tawny that who she dates is not any of her business and to stay out of it. She at one point told Tawny that she broke her heart and Tawny responded with "well why don't you have your boyfriend fix it for you" the kid doesn't hold back at all.
I spent an hour or so talking with Tawny and in the end she basically said she doesn't want to talk to her mom again until her mom is ready to accept the responsibility for her actions. She sees the therapist again on the 29th and will talk with her about all that has transpired.
So me, I am doing very well right now. Overall I am very happy. I am in a wonderful relationship with the same young lady as before. I enjoy my time with her and she is very caring. She makes me feel good and alive. Work is going well, my family is healthy, and I am recovering slowly from the financial mess that came from all of this.
As far as Carrie is concerned, I am furious. Not for me, yes, it hurts a bit that she is with this OM, but that is not what has me furious. I am furious that she is so fuckinn selfish. I am furious that she is hurting our little girl. I am furious that she is such a child that she won't even own her actions with our daughter. There is nothing else she can do to hurt me, I am beyond all of that at this point. The fact that she continues to hurt Tawny is killing me.
I am not sure what if anything I can do other than to simply continue to be here for Tawny. I just watch and wait for the next moment of insanity. I do not have any contact with Carrie right now so I am safe from going off on her for the time being. I am going to sit down with the family therapist and see what she recommends at this point.
Anyway, sorry for such a long read. I just needed to vent, it has been eating at me the whole day......
Ian
First off Ian..let me apologize..I just found this or I would have responded sooner.
it's too bad Carrie is so selfish and does not seem to realize the damage she is causing her daughter. A daughter needs her mother and it appears that Carrie can't fill that role for her. I do hope that the lady you are seeing and Tawny have good interactions and have become friends to an extent. As you are well aware Tawny needs good female role models around her and hopefully this young lady can help in that regard.
I'm sorry that you were not with Ross on Thanksgiving. I hope you did get a little time with him at some point.
Your a good dad Ian..and a great source of sound advice here..I for one appreciate you so much.
Ian,
Yes, you were always a rock for me months ago when I so needed that. I too just saw this thread today and was able to catch up on your sitch. I'm sorry for you bro. Just take solice in the fact that your daughter has you, a stable parent and great role model. Everything else will sort out in time, of that I'm sure.
Just keep on hanging in there and let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you.
Steve
Ian, the remarkable thing about turning 40, I've found, is the ability to function as both mother and father without skipping a beat. Hat's off to you, PopMum, for being there for Tawny, and to her for KNOWING that she could turn to you. (Given all the choices out there for numbing the pain
). Peace.
PopMum..
What Goldey said...
*hugs*
OK, so do not go and see Marley and Me if you are expecting a cute kids movie.....It isn't.
I took Ross to see it today and by the end of the movie was in tears and wiping my eyes. I will not ruin it for anyone, but it was by far one of the saddest movies I have seen in a long time. Even Ross sniffled at the end of it and this is a kid who does not cry easy.
Parts of it were also disturbing because of the arguing between the husband and wife in the movie. Overall, not a good experience for me.
Not a lot out of Carrie this week. She left me a message xmas morning asking me to call back so she could "talk to the kids, or Ross anyway." Pretty pathetic.
It was bad enough that she had been gone since the previous Friday and not even called her son in a week. For those of you who do not know Carrie took the OM home to meet her parents. To be honest it was in the back of my mind the entire week and really bothered the hell out of me.
It may be very selfish of me, but that piece of shitt was at my other parents home, eating xmas eve dinner with my family, and sharing xmas day with my wife. Very disturbing stuff for me and truthfully, very hard to swallow this week.
Anyway, Christmas was good here. The kids and I started our own traditions and did things the way we wanted to rather than the usual ways that we have in the past. It was very nice having my kids here with me, but I still deep down had to hold the emotion a few times since it was my first christmas without Carrie in 17 years. I don't think I will ever completely understand why it is that I still feel anything for her...... She doesnt deserve my love......
Ian
so..I have to know..did you actually send that text to Carrie?
so..I have to know..did you actually send that text to Carrie?
Of course not.... I wanted to really really bad, but am a better man than that.....
Hey Ian..
*hugs*
I feel sad that this time was difficult to you.. and always impressed at how you handle things, how upfront you are in sharing how you feel.
What type of new traditions did you start with the kids?
What type of new traditions did you start with the kids?
Well, my kids are older and fully aware of who Santa really is so we decided that they could open all gifts Christmas Eve and we would only do stockings Christmas morning. The normal as a family in the past was to open gifts xmas eve and also to have Santa for their big gifts. Being that mom wasn't here with us it kind of lost it's luster this year.
I of course load their stockings up pretty good so some of the big gifts are in there as well. With teenagers the important gifts seem to be the gift cards to their favorite stores and such.
After they went through their stockings I cooked them a pancake and Latkas (jewish potato cakes) breakfast. We have always intertwined the fact that they are half Jewish and half Baptist. We spent the rest of the morning playing Rockband. I scored a 97% on the vocals for the song Roxanne by the Police....yay me...
It was difficult, it IMO will always be difficult to not continue a family tradition as a family. Oh well, another unnecessary piece of collateral damage from the bomb. I can tell you that I was extremely grateful for all of the texts from my friends on this board, that really helped hold things together.
Ian
Hi there Ian - just flying by to wish you all the best for the remainder of the Christmas holiday and most important to wish you the very best for the New Year!
And how anyone who isn't from the UK can get that score - given that Sting is a bloke with his head up his tancrit whatsit is beyond me! Well done!
KBO - GFI
It was difficult, it IMO will always be difficult to not continue a family tradition as a family. Oh well, another unnecessary piece of collateral damage from the bomb. I can tell you that I was extremely grateful for all of the texts from my friends on this board, that really helped hold things together.
I think it is wonderful that you are writing down your feelings, you sure do come here so much less and that is a wonderful thing. You are out there, getting a life, living. Good. It does get mushy during the holidays and this has always been the safe place, I think that is why I have logged on to read also. It's like Welcome back Carter. Familiar. A part of us.
I felt sad for you when i read the above quote. Sad b/c I hope that next year, you can get through the holidays looking forward to YOUR traditions and not looking forward to what is MISSING from the prior traditions.
It is one of these situations where the "adult" in us needs to take hold. BLAH !
So much easier to stomp and pout.
Do you remember your Christmas last year? Carrie slept over, on the sofa, so that the kids could see you guys as a family?
Do you remember how she went with T bug or Ross to the store to get some movies you wanted and how she hid them in the garage, and is that when she made you that pie? I could be mixing up different events.
I think that was for Christmas.
Do you remember that she was still with her BF, but she came to the house to stay anyway?
I am not defending carrie in anyway. I believe she is about as big an a$$ munch as they come.
I just remember thinking how difficult that stay at the house could of been for her but she did it anyway.
She gave as much as she could.
She has drawn her own boundary.
She wanted this divorce, she wanted this life. This is what she has, and she is going to make the most of it. Right or wrong, she has made her choice.
Is it a choice that has come with the biggest blows of pain that you ever imagined? YUP.
Can you imagine following thru on something, even tho you know that the path of destruction that will lead to it will hurt so many?
What an awful feeling she must have had inside, to want to get out of something so bad, that to get what you want, it involves causing hurt, losing loved ones, losing the love of your daugter etc etc.
She needed to breathe, in her own warped demented way. She just needed to breathe.
Did she take the cowards way out? Absolutely. That is her style, and as crappy as it is. You need to accept it. Not for her F her. For you, and your peace of mind.
Let her go. And you really have done that so much already. I know that times like these you can get down, and get angry. Lord knows I know that anger.
Be free!!!! Allow yourself to enjoy YOUR new traditions. YOur new relationship, your new found relationship with your children.
Love her enough to say to yourself. "I hope that this new life brings you the peace that you have been so desperately searching for" , and close the door, and breathe.
You had a loving marriage for so many years. Some poor souls never know what it is like to look over at the person you love, in the morning, and get that sleepy "I love you"
You had that. Thank God for that, and also thank God for opening a new chapter in your life. We need to step up our faith at times, and trust.
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
Buddha quotes
“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.”
John M. Richardson, Jr. quotes
“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”
“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”
Marcel Pagnol quotes
Bean, I imagine at this point in time you have absolutely no nails left on either of your hands. I know the courage it took for you to even post this and let me say right off the bat, excellent post.
Here we go.....
I felt sad for you when i read the above quote. Sad b/c I hope that next year, you can get through the holidays looking forward to YOUR traditions and not looking forward to what is MISSING from the prior traditions.
In 2 years when I have them again, I believe I will be able to. It was just hard this year because it was my first and I am mr. mushy.....
Do you remember your Christmas last year? Carrie slept over, on the sofa, so that the kids could see you guys as a family?
Do you remember how she went with T bug or Ross to the store to get some movies you wanted and how she hid them in the garage, and is that when she made you that pie? I could be mixing up different events.
I think that was for Christmas.
Do you remember that she was still with her BF, but she came to the house to stay anyway?
I remember bean, and I really do appreciate the effort she made last year, I wish she was as real this year. She isn't.
I am not defending carrie in anyway. I believe she is about as big an a$$ munch as they come.
I just remember thinking how difficult that stay at the house could of been for her but she did it anyway.
She gave as much as she could.
She has drawn her own boundary.
She is an asss munch, and you are defending her actions from last year, and you are right to do so. She really came through last year which I imagine was very hard for her to do. Last year was a long time ago, but I do not forget what she did for our kids last year and I do appreciate it.
She wanted this divorce, she wanted this life. This is what she has, and she is going to make the most of it. Right or wrong, she has made her choice.
Is it a choice that has come with the biggest blows of pain that you ever imagined? YUP.
Believe me bean, I cry for her and what she has lost with Tawny. I cannot even imagine for one minute not speaking to my child for 4 months. Not being a part of her life in any way for going on 5 months. The woman I loved, does not deserve this pain. The woman she is today, you are correct, is reaping what she has sewn.
Can you imagine following thru on something, even tho you know that the path of destruction that will lead to it will hurt so many?
What an awful feeling she must have had inside, to want to get out of something so bad, that to get what you want, it involves causing hurt, losing loved ones, losing the love of your daugter etc etc.
She needed to breathe, in her own warped demented way. She just needed to breathe.
Did she take the cowards way out? Absolutely. That is her style, and as crappy as it is. You need to accept it. Not for her F her. For you, and your peace of mind.
No, I cannot imagine something that I would never ever do. Yes, she had to support her decision, but you also have a responsibility to be the adult and do what is right to minimize the collateral damage. She has chosen to make it worse. I do accept this, I do understand that this is who she has chosen to be. I do know that it is her cross to bear and not mine.
Love her enough to say to yourself. "I hope that this new life brings you the peace that you have been so desperately searching for" , and close the door, and breathe.
I can't do this right now. I have tried and I simply do not have it in me right now to wish for her to be happy and that her new life will complete her. Maybe it is selfish, maybe it is just my stubborn personality, or maybe it is just because I have to much anger still deep down inside of me.
You had a loving marriage for so many years. Some poor souls never know what it is like to look over at the person you love, in the morning, and get that sleepy "I love you"
You had that. Thank God for that, and also thank God for opening a new chapter in your life. We need to step up our faith at times, and trust.
I am very grateful for having known that kind of love. I am grateful for having experienced a good relationship for as long as we did. At the same time I am still very angry she took that away. I am very angry that after having those same times with Yakeline I question how long it will last. I am very angry that now I will always have trust issues and question people who have never done anything wrong to me. How fair is that? Do I do it on purpose?? No, I do it because I still have a constant reminder of the singed parts of my inner most emotions.
This is a long process. I try as hard as I can to keep things slow in my new relationship because it is so damn obvious to me that my heart is not completely healed. I try to be as honest as I can with Yakeline about where I am at in my own emotional state. She, thank God, is very understanding and has not pushed me for anything. I think that I try and be as aware as possible because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone that I care very much about.
You did warn me that this would be difficult. You did give me the heads up I needed and I believe I probably came through with like a "B" maybe even "B+". I have just decided that as I feel these things I am going to share them rather than bottle them up like the Ian that gets himself into so much trouble.
I do believe that time will heal all of this. I also believe that there will be many more occasions where I have to face these feelings and hurts and work through them in order to truly heal. I hate the fact that I know that I will have to suffer and hurt in order to grow, but it is simply the way things are right now.
I can also promise you that if I ever feel like Yakeline and I are moving somewhere that I am not ready to go that I will be honest with her and stop it before it gets to a point to hurt her. Urghhhhh, the hard part here.... I do love her. Am I ready to commit to that and make our relationship more than it is, nope.... I questioned myself almost daily in the beginning whether or not this relationship was a rebound and I tried to make sure that I didn't do anything like that to her. So in answer to your post in the alternate universe, no bean, I would never do that to her.
Thank you so much for posting this to me bean. It gives me lots to think about and review. You, contrary to your own beliefs are a wonderful poster with incredible morale and ethical words in your posts. I can always rely on you to keep my integrity in check. Thank you so much for that, you are a dear friend and I love you very much.
Ian
phew! I was about to watch the marley&me moviewith the kids, thanks for the heads up.
Thanks fore reminding me about setting new traditions, I did read that somewhere but didnt' get a chance to do it, I'll make sure I come up with new ones for the other holidays.
We spent so many years celebrating holidays as a family that it will seem unreal for a while to celebrate them without them Ian, it is the nature of the beast, nothing odd about it. But I pray that each year we find outselves stronger and I know we will be in a better place.
Hey Cat, thanks for stopping by...
Therapy for Tawny bear last night. Kind of funny as the therapist tried to explain MLC to a 15 year old girl. She called it temporary insanity...... Next appointment willbe Carrie alone with the therapist...oh to be a fly on the wall.....
Lunch today with Carrie to discuss home school for Tawny, divorce finalization, and her boyfriend (OM) calling Tawny a Manipulative Bitch in a conversation that I found out about. She needs to put him on a short leash because if he says anything like that about my daughter again I am gonna address him directly....
Ian
Hey Cat, thanks for stopping by...
Therapy for Tawny bear last night. Kind of funny as the therapist tried to explain MLC to a 15 year old girl. She called it temporary insanity...... Next appointment willbe Carrie alone with the therapist...oh to be a fly on the wall.....
OOOOHHH Me too!!
Lunch today with Carrie to discuss home school for Tawny, divorce finalization, and her boyfriend (OM) calling Tawny a Manipulative Bitch in a conversation that I found out about. She needs to put him on a short leash because if he says anything like that about my daughter again I am gonna address him directly....
Ian
Oh HELL NO!! I can call my kids whatever I want--they are mine! However, if someone else steps in with their warped opinion--especially someone who is part of the root problem--and the Mama Lioness is coming out! Can't wait to hear about this!
SMW
Well, had lunch with Carrie. Let's just say it was ok, good moments, bad moments.
She doesn't want Tawny in Home school. Says that Tawny runs away from her problems rather than facing them. Before you think it, yes I did laugh at that. She asked what I am laughing about and I said "not a damn thing" with the biggest grin on my face you can imagine.
When I told her what OM had said she:
A. Got angry at him and promised to deal with him expeditiously.
B. Said she would talk to him about it and make sure it did not happen again.
C. Said Tom would never say anything like that, he may have said manipulative, but never would have called her a bitch.
Well....... wait for it, wait for it......
DING DING DING........
If you guessed C you would be absolutely correct ladies and germs.
I looked her square in the eye and said, " Well I do believe he said it, and I am bringing it to you to address. The next time I will address it with him and make sure he understands exactly how I feel about it. "
She told me she will ask him about it and if he says he did say it she will address it....BULLSHITTTTTTT
Anyway, she is making an appointment with the therapist and will let me know what her and the therapist decide regarding Home Schooling. hmmmmmmmmmm
I stopped at the bakery and got the GF some fresh Strawberry and Cream muffins so I could get my mind on something happy instead of the psyhotic adventure ride that is Carrie.......
So as I am driving back to work I heard a song on the radio, as I listened to it, it just screamed Carrie... so in honor of Swashy, here's some lyrics for Carrie.
Seether- Fake it
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all,
The one you sold to fool the world.
You lost your self esteem along the way.
Yeah.
Good God, You're coming up with reasons.
Good God, You're dragging it out.
Good God, it's the changing of the seasons.
I feel so raped.
SO FOLLOW ME DOWN.
And just fake it, if you're out of direction.
Fake it, if you don't belong here.
Fake it, if you feel like infection .
Woah, You're such a fuckin' hypocrite.
And you should know that the
lies won't hide your flaws.
No sense in hiding all of yours.
You gave up on your dreams along the way.
Yeah.
Good God, You're coming up with reasons.
Good God, You're dragging it out.
Good God, it's the changing of the seasons.
I feel so raped.
SO FOLLOW ME DOWN.
And just fake it, if you're out of direction.
Fake it, if you don't belong here.
Fake it, if you feel like infection.
Woah, You're such a fuckin' hypocrite.
Woah, Woah.
I can fake with the best of anyone.
I can fake with the best of 'em all.
I can fake with the best of anyone.
I can fake it all.
Who's to know if your soul will fade at all,
The one you sold to fool the world.
You lost your self esteem along the way.
Yeah.
Good God, You're coming up with reasons.
Good God, You're dragging it out.
Good God, it's the changing of the seasons.
I feel so raped.
MAN FOLLOW ME DOWN.
And just fake it, if you're out of direction.
Fake it, if you don't belong here.
Fake it, if you feel like infection.
Woah, You're such a fuckin' hypocrite.
Fake it, if you're out of direction.
Fake it, if you don't belong here.
Fake it, if you feel like infection.
Woah, You're such a fuckin' hypocrite.
Ian
Hi Ian -
I like how you can see some humor in the hypocrisy and craziness of your STBXW. You seem to be moving on quite well and have the #1 priority at hand - your kids.
Also, I like that you are telling your stately brother to your east to stop wallowing in his own self pity right now. Life throws curve balls once in a while and we just need to adjust and knock them out of the park.
Keep doing what you are doing.
PS. Not all people named Carrie are batchitt crazy!
LOL, I hear you Kerry with a K.......
I can tell you this, until I was able to look at this and see the humor in the insanity I was going nuts. I had some very bad times for the first year and a half until I developed the backbone to stand up and call crazy crazy.... You ahve to really look at the stuff in your world and recognize what is within your span of control and what is not.......
Ian
So I guess that God has chosen to test my faith yet one more time. Due to the economic downturn I was laid off today. As you can imagine it is horrible timing right after Christmas and all. According to my company it is a temporary lay off for 3 months. I get that and all, but am not sure exactly how I am supposed to afford to live for three months.....blech........
It is New Years eve and I am trying very hard to fight off the fears and insecurities that are creeping into my head. While I do believe that God always has a plan for us, and I do have faith that I will land on my feet and that in the end everything will be ok, I am a bit scared right now. This year has been financially devastating to me and with the $4000 in lawyers fees that I just emptied my savings account to cover, I am not exactly sure what I will do.
I am going to forget about this tonight and spend the New Years with Tawny bear and try not to worry. Tomorrow I can begin to put together a plan and figure out exactly what needs to be done. In the meantime, those of you that believe in it, please add me and my kids to those prayers at night.
Ian
And surely you will be added my brother.
Your fear is plenty understandable.
And your immediate short term plan is just as it should be.
You will be fine. Forever comforted by our Lord who you so readily connect with. And your sharing of that learned love is wonderful.
Can't imagine how I would know that ..lol.
I know you are stong cause you allow God to provide all the strength would ever need.
I know it must hurt and I kind of feel that with you.
T
Ian--
Know that you and the kids are, as always, in my prayers. I pray that the Lord will bring new, fresh opportunities your way in the New Year.
SMW
Ian,
You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take a deep breath and remember that you are on a good path. Trust.
WT
since we have just sorta brushed shoulders on here for the most part and I have been more or less a passive follower here what line of work/industry is your's Ian?
T
Well Tomato, I have been a Director of Operations and a Production Manager basically for mostly import and packaging companies.
Why, you hiring?
Wow. Quite a blow. I am really sorry, and will add you and your family to our prayers. Keep your head up.
I surely wish I were ..Ian
cuz I would be headhunting for you.
FaithfulH my buddy who has mentored me so much on here suffered athe same setback as yyou in the last few weeks. He restored his M through dligence and the grace and mercy of the Lord our God. He was camped out on here in MLC until about perhaps a year ago.
Now he swings by here irregularly.
You and he sound like perhaps you have slightly (maybe)similar similar job descriptions. If I know anything and that is debatable.
T
Ian,
I am sorry about your job. I hope it turns out to be indeed temporary.
This year has GOT to be better and happier,
xxx
K
((Ian))
So sorry to hear of this setback, I'll be praying for a speedy re-start for you. Hope you enjoy what's left of the evening. Tomorrow you can get that resume spiffed up and get those assets out there! Peace.
Ian,
e-mail me, you have it right?
Ian my friend...
I am truly sorry to hear this and am speechless...
Know that I will say an extra prayer for you and your children along with the one I usual say for you...
You know you can call anytime if you need to...
I can empathize with you all to well but that doesn't lessen your pain...I am sorry
Brian
Hey Man,
I'm sorry to hear about your job. Your are an amazing guy(careful now). It's gotta be a huge blow right now. You will find the positive way through this.
Praying for ya.
thanks Trapt....
The economy is bad, thats just a fact. The projections are that unemployment will be at 7% when they announce on Friday. The unemployment line was filled with business professionals like myself and it was very sad to watch. The job prospects are bleak at best right now and that is just the way it is.
The state of tennessee puts a cap on unemployment benefits of $275 a week. That would barely cover my rent. A friend of mine offered me some temporary work supervising forklift drivers for Helen of Troy. I am going to take a $12 an hour job simply to make sure I can provide the basics for my kids. Home, food, clothing, etc.....
This at least will enable me to have some income while I look for something in my field. Who knows how long that will take at this point. Every article I read points to the recession possibly extending into late 2009 now. Blech.........
On the home front, absolutely nothing to update. Carrie is still Carrie. The kids are stable. My girlfriend is still wonderful. I am convinced that things will not get any worse than they are right now with Tawny and Carrie. Carrie is going to see the counselor soon for her one on one appointment and we will go from there.
I will tell you that the support and well wishers on the alternate universe were absolutely amazing. You have to feel good that so many people will reach out to you in times of trouble.
If I had to say why it isn't dragging me down to badly, I would say it is because I am somehow keeping it out of my head as much as possible and only focusing on what I need to do. (Sound familiar Trapt???) See, old dogs do learn new tricks
Ian
HI Ian. Hvaen't looked in on you lately. I figured you have it so well together. Now that I see your job has gone by-byes I'm sorry I didn't look in earlier.
((((Ian))))) you be the puss-cat man and land on your feet. You can do it.
I'm glad to hear your handling it all so well.
Absolutely, I'm learning.( by trial & error most of the time) That is why I felt pretty good when you called me a dumbasssss. I'm laughing more than thinking.
The economy is so sad right now. Overall a bit scary.
It is an incredible comfort getting to know all of these wonderful people and having their support. You have the right mindset, good will come out of all this.
Hey dude-
Just dropping by to say yo, I got a wild hair and decided to see who's around these days. I caught up a little bit on your thread - sounds like although as usual your plate is full you're handling things about as well as I could imagine anyone doing so (although I know it probably doesn't always seem that way). I'll give you a call in the next few days to catch up a little more, but just wanted to say that you continue to do an impressive and fantastic job of dealing with what you need to, while continuing to be a good dad.
Things are good on my end, same old same old, if I get an ESPECIALLY wild hair I may look for my old thread and update it a little.
And yes, I know I still owe you a certain case of frosty beverages, and since it seems that they might come in especially handy lately, I promise to get on it. Later bud-
Kev
Ian just checking in on ya. Read this whole thread start to finish but now my prep time is over (teacher that I am!) so no time to post.
I will think good thoughts/send out prayers to you re. the job situation. And I am glad your daughter has you for a dad; from what I read you are doing an amazing job considering the circumstances. The girl still needs a mother, but at least she has a caring, involved father.
Thanks for helping me out last night, by the way. Appreciate it.
Anytime BBJ.....
Kman, where the hell have you been my friend.... and my phone still hasn't rung dude.... by the way, wheres my beer????
Not a lot happening. I have a couple of interviews lined up this week and am hoping for the best. It has to be the right fit what with having Tawny full time and all.
It is getting tight financially and I will have to look at cutting the non essentials. Cable, house phone, ughhh internet.... I called my Life insurance companies and they are allowing me to do a hardship that will freeze my life insurance for 3 months so I can get back on my feet and not loose my insurance. That was a positive.
Carrie has agreed to file our taxes jointly as we will get more back that way. So as soon as her W2 comes in we can file and that will help some. Of course she did reduce her child support, which does not shock me. I am hesitant to discuss it with her because I don't want her backing out of the taxes. So I will wait until after we file to address that issue.
My girlfriends brother went home today to Colorado. He has been an issue with us as he does not care for her dating an american. So, I have not seen her for over 2 weeks now. She is coming over tomorrow night and I am cooking for her. I can't wait to see her, I have missed her very much. She calls every day to make sure I am ok, but it isn't the same.
Anyway, so life goes on and I continue to roll with the punches. It has been kind of fun to have a no pressure job these last 4 days. I drive around all day on a forklift and consolidate freight in a huge warehouse. Doesn't get any easier than that.....
Ian
I hear ya Ian...I spent a summer re-stocking the garden supplies at a Wal-mart. It was mindless work but I liked it because there was no pressure and the expectations were clear, just replenish the stock all day long. Sometimes simple is good...if only simple paid $50K a year, huh?
Glad you will see your lady, didn't realize it had been that long since you had seen her. I know you have stressed on your thread that you aren't making her any promises at this point and she is fine with that. But still I am sure it sucks to know that her brother is not supportive of you guys.
Take care and good luck on the interviews.
hey Ian! just caught up with your thread, sorry to hear about your job loss, I pray you find something much better soon)))))
Ian,
I am sure with your attitude things will turn out fine in the end.
Stay strong, be positive,
xxx
K
thanks!!!
Hope you enjoying seeing the GF tonight Ian! Keep on keeping on man... Things will turn around for you quickly!
Steve