Posted By: Toomanywords Chapter 28 - Emergencies and winnings - 07/28/08 12:46 AM
So, I'm a month away from being 3 years D. I can't believe it.
I have a friend who was married just a couple weeks before XH and I. They are together and well and have a little one. Makes their anniversary sort of easy to remember, but also makes me a little sad cause I don't know how to stop myself from thinking that - for example - this would have been our 6 year anniversary. When my friend's marriage comes up in conversation ,like it did on Friday, people are amazed that I somehow remember how long they've been married.
Oh well. Maybe someday that part of my brain will shut itself down.

XH has been married for 2 years and has a son that's not a year old yet. Xh's family still loves me and we stay in contact. I just texted with his mom today actually. \:\)

I bought my house just over a year ago. Somehow I'm getting mail for XH and his wife (ARGH) I let them know via a message to her on Facebook and she appologized and told me to throw it out.

I started a new job almost a year ago :P

I've been with BF for just under 3 years. Things are going well there. He's preparing to go to school in FL for Marine Mechanics for 9 months in November. He was in carpentry - which is seasonal and really bad with the economy right now.

I've been dealing with MANY family emergencies this month. For anyone who's been reading along I'm happy to update that my grandfather was released from the hospital today. He just has to be careful, no heavy lifting.
Mom and her husband are ok. Very sore, very bruised. He can get his stiches out on Wednesday. She finds out tomorrow if she broke her lorasic vertebrae (SP?)

In a week I'll be on my way to Indianapolis for a couple of days with work. I'm very excited. Something new that not many people get to do. \:\)

In 41 days we are going on a Southern Caribbean Cruise with Royal Caribbean courtesy of Good Morning America's Winter Concert Series Sweepstakes!!! First cruise for both of us - I'm so excited!!!

In December, I'm going to be an aunt! My 18 year old sister is preggers.

Hmmmm I think that's it on quick updates.
Posted By: HappyToday Re: Chapter 28 - Emergencies and winnings - 07/28/08 01:02 AM

I'm glad you're posting again. I always think of you as my cyber daughter. You're from where I'm from and you've been given a bad deal. You are a good girl and I know that from your posts, and you love way too much, but you're a really good girl who does the right things. I too have worked since I was a little girl and have the most excellent work ethic. That will take you far in life as long as you don't let others bring you down. This I know.

Was glad to hear your mom and stepdad are ok. Things always happen in 3's.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Because we care.
Posted By: spitfire23 Re: Chapter 28 - Emergencies and winnings - 07/28/08 03:08 AM

Wow. Three years?!

Good to hear from you. Thanks for the update and enjoy that cruise.

Thanks so much for the positivity HappyToday.
Things do happen in 3's - emergencies have just been too common lately. In case anyone hasn't read my previous threads:
My grandfather on my dad's side went to the hospital a couple months ago for a heart attack. He was in rehab for several months. He came home just before father's day, but went back to the hospital just before 4th of July.
My step-grandmother on my mom's side went to the hospital and had to stay a few days for pneumonia.
My friend had a mental breakdown. She was in the hospital for several days and got out right before the 4th of July.
My dad had a tooth pulled and ended up with an abcess and very bad infection that required surgery. He was in the hospital for almost a week, he got out right before the 4th of July.
BF stepped on 2 nails at work, he went to the ER the night my dad had surgery. Then a couple days later he had heat exhaustion amplified by the pain pills - he was rushed to the ER from work.
Mom had a severe ear infection that landed her in the ER 2 nights in a row.
Then BF had a bad tooth ache and we found he needs a root canal, a wisdom tooth pulled and some cavities filled.
My dog had to go to the vet.
Then last week my mom and her husband were in a severe accident that totalled their new Ford F 250 & new 42 ft camper/trailer. If anyone is in the Erie PA area - you may have seen it on the news. i-79 was closed for a while.
That same day my grandpa on my mom's side went to the hospital. He's been having trouble breathing. He had fluid - not sure in his lungs or where. He wasn't getting enough oxygen to the right side of his heart. They put in a catheter (SP?) and he came home yesterday.

I told everyone - no emergencies for at least a year or so? Even work is sort of joking with me about taking family emergency leave since I had to do it for my dad's surgery (it was unexpected), for BF's heat exhaustion and then for this accident. 3 times in a month.

Yeah Spitty - 3 years. I can't believe it. In exactly 1 month it will have been 3 years. I can't believe what a different person I am, how much everything in my life has changed. I can't believe how much I've grown.
Posted By: jak466 Re: Chapter 28 - Emergencies and winnings - 07/28/08 06:21 PM

You have had a full plate. Glad to see you are holding up.

3.5 yrs D for me. Coming up on Old anniversary in Aug. Thanks for replying to my thread....hope you know I was joking with my response.
Well - to top off my plate....today stepdad had half of his foot amputated.
Before the accident his foot was being treated for an infection (caused by him not taking care of himself). It seemed to be getting better but then today when he went for his weekly check - it was bad. Really bad. There was flesh eating bacteria and they had to amputate asap. So, at 1pm they started and the DR said they had to keep going until there was clean bone. Well, it was there right around the arch of his foot.

I feel so bad for my mom. She's not as close as she used to be physically. She wants to be close, she needs to be closer for times like these. ARGH She's worried about everything. If he's going to go back to work, how she'll care for him, etc.

At work - I didn't leave (mom told my not to), but I let my boss know since I'd be on personal calls a bit more than usual - they seriously thought I was joking. There is no possible way that 1 person has THIS MANY EMERGENCIES, especially not in 1 MONTH.


Jak466 - I was hoping you were joking \:\) It's just a very rare thing to see a man open up and talk about feelings and emotions like that. At least for me \:\)

Yeah, July and August are the tough months for me. Along with December. July was the seperation and divorce papers. August was our wedding anniversary and 1 week later is our divorce anniversary. December, well, that was always just a special time since that's when we started dating and the holidays and all.

Anyways. BF's mom made a pie today and gave me 1/2. So much for trying to loose weight LOL It's rhubarb. I think it's yummy. Since it's rhubarb pie, that makes it healthy - right? ;\)

I have such a headache. But I'm happy to report that my acid reflux has calmed down a bit. Thank goodness - that scares me. I'm going to talk about it with my dr on saturday.
Posted By: jak466 Re: Chapter 28 - Emergencies and winnings - 07/29/08 02:48 AM

Well, I usually stay pretty gaurded so when I do give my heart away, it is deep. Problem is each time I get burned, its harder to let the gaurd down.

I was out with some friends a short while ago. They were all married and ribbin me about my position being single. Thing is, none of them are truly happy. Their wives are not happy. And as a part time bar-tender, most of my customers are not happy with their relationships.

They came up with a list of people I dated. 2 months or longer to make the list. I think it was around 20. They asked me how many did you tell you were in love with. I told them only 4.

Then I told them, but unlike you guys, I never bitched about them to you. Not once. I didn't have a wondering eye like some of you. And I was never unhappy in my relationships like all of you.

I like my romantic side.
Awww -that is so very true! So many people complain, moan and groan about how miserable they are.
Too many people aren't as sure as they should be in matters of the heart before making a serious committment.
It's taken a long time for me to realize that there isn't love like in the movies. Romance doesn't happen like that unless you make it happen, and it's a lot of hard work.

On a general note - One thing I hate is how people reference my marriage. People make it sound like it was a horrible marriage.
It wasn't. It was pretty darn good until the end. People actually looked to our marriage as an example of what they wanted to be. Everything was so easy with us. The only real problem was in the bedroom. More so with him than me. Should have been some sign there. I tried. I gave it my all. But it died. The love died.

I know when I get married again, and it will happen some day, that I won't be as blind. As the movie quote goes, "When you kissed me and told me you loved me, I thought you meant it. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tightly."

(While searching for that exactly quote, I found another goodie:
I wanted a perfect ending; now I've learned the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Hate is easy, love takes courage )

I could go on all day with quotes.
For now, I'm going to bed.
Posted By: jak466 Re: Chapter 28 - Emergencies and winnings - 07/29/08 03:06 AM
Sleep well
Hospitals, insurance - it all sucks. My mom was stressed this morning still trying to clean up stuff that we salvaged from the accident. Dealing with 2 dogs. Dealing with insurance. Now dealing with her H. Early this afternoon the hospital called and told her to come and pick him up! Already! They said there isn't anything else they can do until the foot heals. They showed her how to change the dressing.
I'm so worried because she has to be careful with her back and his back and everything. Whew.
This week is flying by. Sunday I leave for Indianapolis. I'm a little worried about going out of town like this, I'm just praying no emergencies will come up.

Xh's cousin is inviting me to church with them. Odd, this is the 2nd invite I've gotten from someone this month to go to church with them. (The other was from a co-worker). When I'm not dealing with emergencies, traveling for work or taking care of mom - I think I'm going to check it out.
Two invites in a month? Someone is calling to you...

Sending good thoughts your way, and to those you love...you've had a lot to go through.
Thanks Donna.

Yeah. Just a wierd coincidence. Especialy with the 2nd invite coming from XH's cousin - who I am friends with.
He assured me that XH doesn't come to the service.
I took the opportunity to let my curiosity get the best of me and asked if XH ever talked or asked anything about me. Cousin answered honestly - no. I said that it was alright, I know he's got a new, different life. Cousin said he's different but the same - hard to explain.
Just a little down this time of year. Sad to think I'm so easy to erase.
I'm usually ok. Just certain times, certain thoughts, feelings, etc. Geesh - you'd think after 3 years.....
I'm learning to live with the fact that being divorced isn't some thing that just goes away. Slowly overtime thoughts and memories fade. Oh well. Anyways

BF is going camping with his friend this weekend, so he won't even see me off for my trip. Almost a whole week apart. Could be good.

My mom and her H decided that they do need to move to a house that is #1 more handicap accessible for if and when the time comes and also #2 is closer to ...everything else \:\)
Posted By: Toomanywords DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/05/08 01:35 AM
So I'm on this work trip to Indianapolis. I'm with a couple of other women. Somehow today at lunch we got on the subject of love and marriage and cheating. Turns out I'm divorced, a woman I'll call A is divorced after being cheated on, another woman I'll call T is still married after being cheated on and the 4th woman - M, is currently married after being cheated on but is still very much in the midst of it.

At lunch she started to let loose, but at dinner it really came out. In the most bizzare way too. M is a bubbly person, in her early 50's. She talks to everyone and complimented someone on their clothes. That started a conversation and somehow the 5 of us women were all talking about marriage and cheating. Turns out Stranger went through a divorce too. M was saying she doesn't know if she can forgive him, they went through counseling for a while but have stopped. He won't even admit to the affair, even though M went as far as hiring a PI! He has done a total 180 but there is a lot more than the affair. He has been verbally and mentally abusive! She went through breast cancer and that is when he had his affair and he wasn't even there for her! She said the OW has called her house as recently as 3 weeks ago. Her H claims that OW is just a crazy stalker (can I see a show of hands of those of you who hear this?)
Anyway, tonight was the first time M really talked about it because she blames herself and she was too embarassed to talk about it with any of her friends. In talking to us co-workers and the stranger it really came out.
Well.....to make a funny ending, she was drinking wine all night then had some cranberry and vodka. Needless to say I made sure she was tucked in tight to sleep it off. \:\)

Seeing all these people who went through similar situations and had such different outcomes - just...Wow.

Some things the stranger was talking about also really hit home with me about love, marriage, divorce and my R with BF and even my R with some of my friends.

Interesting to see how God works things out sometimes, huh?
Posted By: whitelight Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/05/08 05:33 AM


I am always happy to read your updates and see how you are doing. You have gone through so much, and you are still, cheerful, hopeful, loving and hard working! I do believe God smiles down on you. ;\)
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/13/08 01:49 AM
Things are moving on up. I haven't broken up with BF but I'm fed up with his bull and it's put up or shut up because I've got better things to do with my time and energy than deal with him \:\) I deserve more, I deserve better!
Here's what one of our mutual friends wrote last week when I was sharing my feelings about the conversation I was having with the other ladies on the trip:

Well, sweetie, I have been telling you that for some time now. YOU DESERVE to be with someone that makes you happy, that does little things out of the blue just because they are thinking about you and want to see you smile. Want to build a future for you both, work and strive together for the wonderful things in life. Someone that wants to hear how your day was as much as they want to tell you about theirs. Someone that thinks about you during the middle of the day and wonders "what are they doing right now", and cant wait to get home just to be together.
You know as well as anyone around you that BF is not that person, I am sorry, but you know it is true. As much as you love him, you get NOTHING in return. It is the hard fact of life, but you need to be the one that decides if you are going to put up with it, or not. I asked him last night how it was being there alone, all he said was it was nice and quiet and he had the whole bed to himself. Not, its weird with Ang not here, or I miss here being here, or anything. He then started telling me his brother is going to Florida with him and how they are
gonna do this and that when they get there, go to Ft. Lauderdale and stuff. Honestly, I do not even think he realizes he is in a
relationship. You once told me you felt like roomates, and you know something, you are. Those ladies you talked about did something to make the change and make themselves happy. As you said, the one did not want to be supporting a man, being a caretaker for him, being miserable for the rest of her life, so she did something about it. Look honey, I hate so much to be the one to say these things to you, I care a lot about
BF, he is my friend, but I do not condone the things he does, nor the way he does you. It is a hard position to be in for me, but you know, I care about you too, and want to see you happy. All BF cares about right now is going to Florida, and to hear him talk about it is like hearing someone talking about going and having a blast, not one word about the responsibility, the work, the learning, NADA! He talks like it is going to be fun, fun, fun. The bottom line is he has not grown up. we were talking and his brother said, Mom's cooking dinner and wants to know when you are coming over so she can make your favorite. Then he was saying how when we got back from the cabin, she
cooked for him and stuff. I looked right at him and said "Wow, it must be nice to be so spoiled" he just giggled and said yes it is, then I looked at him and said "how old are you anyway". If BF was not with you, his mother would be doing him the same way. Sad, very sad.

Anyway, you have heard this stuff before, I was going to erase the email, but decided to send it anyway. You know I am always here, we are good friends and I want to see you happy no matter what you decide to do, I am here for you.

I love my friends \:\) I just wanted to share that empowerment.
But no, I haven't kicked him out or broken up with him (sorry to some of you out there). But he definately knows that a change blew back into town with me \:\)

It didn't help matters that when I came home Thursday I got home and relaxed. Then BF came home. My car was towed. Ended up being the fuel pump.
Seriously - I bought this car - a 2005 Dodge Stratus - used in 2005. It had 12,000 miles on it. Since I've had it, in 3 years I/We've had to replace the fuel pump, the rotors, the brakes, the spark plugs, the spark plug wires. I need tirods and ball joints. What the heck!?!??

Anyway. I just lounged all weekend. I took it easy, watched TV and vegged. BF's mom and I went to the store and she purchased him a pay as you go cell phone in case of emergencies. He's back to work with his old employer \:\( That means unsteady work \:\( Like today.
I called and yelled at BF because he wasn't doing anything and hadn't done anything all day. I told him - he's home, I'm working overtime to make up some of the money that's not coming in else were and the VERY least that he can do is figure out dinner. I told him - when I work OT I leave the house at 7am and I don't get home until after 7pm and I'm on the phone all day answering every question under the sun about military pay and our online pay system and billions of other questions that aren't even about pay or even related to my specific job.

Needless to say dinner was done when I came home \:\) Something go through that thick skull.

I guess I'm using DB a bit. I'm doing a 180. I'm not giving in, I'm not backing down. I just care about me (and my dog and cat \:\) )

Anyways that's my venting/post/update ;\)

Mom and her husband are doing well. She told her H off this weekend too \:\) Like mother like daughter \:\) She's doing so much more than she's supposed to, but no one can come out to her on a regular basis since she's so far away from everyone. So hopefully they find a house and we can move them soon. Moving in the winter is my least favorite time to move.

I'm finding myself in someways drawn to talk about my D and my XH and it really sucks this time of year. Saturday would have been our 6 year anniversary. Exactly 1 week later is the 3 year anniversary of our divorce. How wierd. At least the D wasn't on our wedding anniversary, although then it would just be 1 day to get over. This year more than the previous 2 the date has just been brought up and situations have come up were the natural conversation leads to talking about it. Blah! I better make some sort of plans for Saturday that don't involve a calender or referencing the date.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/13/08 09:58 AM
TMW you keep coming back here for a reason. You never did the work on yourself to get over your XH and what happened, you just used the bandaid of your BF to dull the pain.

You keep talking about BF stepping up, Girlfriend it is not going to happen. That is not who he is! You are worth soooo much more.

I am sorry to be so blunt and I hope this does not chase you away, but I have told you before that I see so much of my young self in what you write. I wish so baldy I could go back to that time and do the painful work on myself. Had I been able to do so my life would be so much better now.

I guess this post is more about me than you... but please at least think about what I am saying.
Posted By: qoe100 Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/13/08 12:03 PM
NNP is right on and it's what many of us have been telling you, especially in regard to BF. You've been supporting his lazy butt for a long time and believing his BS. He won't change and if you ditch him, he'll just find some other woman (or his mom) to continue to support him.

I've always felt that you're just a meal ticket to him. In exchange for you supporting him, he has to do a few chores. Big deal!!!
Posted By: BarbieDoll Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/13/08 01:57 PM
I agree 100% with NNP and Jill and wanted to write it last night but you usually get very upset at my blunt posts. Now I see that you are writing EXACTLY what I've been saying all along. But girl - you have to stop writing about it. I've been telling you to dump his sorry ass for 2.5 years but seriously - I think you are afraid to be alone so you'd rather hold on to a loser than have no one. JUST DO IT! What are you waiting for. You are getting older and your biological clock is running out with someone you would NEVER want to have a child with. Stop wasting your time.

My advice today is the same as it was 2.5 years ago. MOVE ON! I have been divorced about the same amount of time as you. Can't even remember the month never mind the date. I remember what my anniversary was but don't dwell on it. I don't dread it I usually do something fun that day. And I was married to him for 25 years with 3 kids.

Your friend who emailed you is a good friend. Because good people will tell you the truth whether you like it or not. I'd like to think that I'm one who cares and I'm beginning to think you're gonna figure that out.

Posted By: HappyToday Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/14/08 12:15 AM

You're reaching out to us again and you have to admit all we're giving you is our opinion. We gladly share.

I can't imagine being pleased that someone made dinner after I worked a 2nd shift to pay the bills. I'd be pi$$3d because I had to make him do it. Hey, that's not a bad deal-for HIM.

What a good friend you have to put herself on the line to tell you what you need to hear. She almost deleted it because she probably knows it could go either way. All I have to say is KEEP THAT FRIEND OF YOURS. She's a keeper.

I know you want to have a child some day TM. If you stay with BF you could, but you'd never enjoy the child having to take care of everything. It's unfair, but that's life. In today's economy I honestly don't know how young people with children are doing it. But I will tell you this: It takes two. And even then it's hard work.

Nobody can change your sit but you. You know that. What I want you to think about is how has your BF changed since you first starting posting about him over 2 years ago. Write it down. Also, ask yourself how you had hoped 2008 would be for yourself and how much has changed since you sold the condo. I seem to recall you planning for debt reduction and a more stable existence.

I know your X hurt you and that's probably why you allow this. Most of us were older when that happened and already had our children. But you could look at this as a pathway to prevent your kids from going through what other DB'ers kids had to endure. People will take advantage of us as long as we allow it. Plus, you DO deserve better.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/14/08 01:05 AM
Thanks everyone. I do, honestly, truly appreciate all of the advice and information. I do take it all into consideration. I'm not turing a blind eye, I never have. I know that things with BF took off too soon after the D - and that helped in many ways and it hurt in many ways. I'm not afraid to live without him or anything. There's a history, there's a love, there's the occational spark of change and hope. I have my moments when it's all shot to heck. I have my moments when I just want to be optimistic (something XH used to say I never was, ironically).

Happy - you make a good point. I'm younger than pretty much everyone I've encountered here on the DB boards. Xh and I were 21 when we were married. We had dated for 5 years. We were M for 3 years. We were best friends, we thought we were soul mates. We lived together (obviously), we worked together - 2 seperate times, 2 seperate locations until about a year before the D. We even went to school together (different classes and majors).
Each D is similar and unique in it's own ways.

Also, when I have more mental energy I will think honestly about what changes he's made, and hasn't made since we started dating...and more importantly (to me at least), since he moved out of his mom's house. I know just on the short list, he's come a long way there. He does dishes, yard work, car work and laundry. Trust me - that's miles from where he was/what he was doing when he lived at home with his parents.

Things will work out one way or another. I'm to tired to even think too deeply about this all right now. Ha ha ha

Just as I thought I was going to get ahead with my overtime, my annual bonus, my travel pay, my bonus for special work my department did, a refund for my deposits since we're not going to Vegas...... I get a bill from the dentist, a bill from the doctor (somehow they didn't bill me for A YEAR for my previous visits).

I'm in an organizing mood. Today I was organizing reciepts and papers. I was making a list of all the places I have to call and talk to about different issues. I have to get ready for our cruise, 25 days away!

I felt good today, the friend I went on the business trip that is having problems and she doesn't know if she wants to stay or go in the marriage - I gave her my DB book \:\)

Oh - on a funny note. What I copied that my friend wrote to me - that wasn't a girlfriend. That was my gay ex-roommate, who ironically is one of BF's best friends. Sad when his own friends think like that of him, huh?

Anyways, again, too tired to think too deep about that stuff.

Thanks again. I hope you all know what a special place you all hold in my heart.
Posted By: naej Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 08/14/08 07:28 AM
Hi Toomanywords, I have to say you seem to have your eyes open now and not so willing to just settle for the sake of having a man in your life. Good work.
Also with the age comment. I see more and young people posting.
Thes someone called Onedge posting and he,s 22yrs,married with a 2 yr old. Maybe you have some advice for them.

Hope you keep on aimimg for better things.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 09/19/08 02:46 AM
Cruise was AMAZING

And today I just found out that I was accepted for a position I applied for. I'm a little nervous, but life is about some risk - right?
Posted By: qoe100 Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 09/19/08 02:49 AM
Will it be a promotion for you??

Glad you had a good time on the cruise!!!
Posted By: BarbieDoll Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 09/19/08 02:52 AM
TMW: Congrats on the cruise. C'mon - tell us more. Enquiring minds want to know.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: DB counselor myself...sort of - 09/30/08 02:41 AM
I heard back on the other job. They couldn't give me any insight into the possibility of relocation. They'd be asking me to sign a contract saying I agree to work for them for 9 years after the training and basically go where they tell me.
Sorry, with real estate the way it is and all my family being here - I just cannot put myself in that sort of unforseen future.

Cruise was AMAZING. I didn't have a care in the world. I took over 400 pictures! We relaxed, we strolled, we made friends. It was just great! I keep saying - my new goal in life is to pay off debt, save for a cruise, take cruise and continue that pattern until I die \:\) It was THAT great. The sunsets were incredible. And we think we seen a dolphin fin a couple of times. Seen a huge sea turtle out the window while eating a buffet lunch, but didn't have my camera out. Swam in the ocean during a 15 minute rain storm.

My only regret is that we didn't have more money to spend. We went into 1 place just to look and the guy had a fire opal - mind you Orange is my favorite color and I LOVE opal. The set - earrings, ring, necklace all for under $200!!!!!! That made me a bit sad.

But I am so very blessed.

Came back to real life. Took a couple days to get over the motion sick patch. The thing made me have blurry vision and then back home I just wasn't feeling right. It took 2 days and I was all better. \:\)

I'm planning my sister's baby shower now. End of October. Ending up to be a much bigger ordeal than originally planned or signed on for. She asked if she could just have 1 big shower, which I was fine with. She made it sound like we'd be inviting maybe 10-20 additional people aside from the original plan of me planning just our dad's side of the family. AFTER I agreed, she tells me we HAVE to invite everyone's kids too! So that makes over 50 people total ! She says that she babysits most of the kids, and they don't have any other sitter, etc.
Whatever. Got most of the details worked out now. \:\)

Mom's doing ok. Her husband is ok.
BF's mom just had an emergency. Has an immobilizer on her knee and crutches.
My friend went back into the hospital, they had to adjust her medications.
BF had to go to the ER for his knee. Worker's comp since it happened at work. Waiting to hear before they will do MRI.

K, it's late, gotta sleep.
Posted By: Toomanywords October 2008 - 10/14/08 03:28 PM
All is well with me. Just some stress.
I found out the pain I've had in my back for 5, yes 5 years - is a rib out of place!
I found out I need reading/computer glasses.

My mom thinks I need my Adrenal gland checked. I guess there was some Discovery Channel special about it. Same/similar symptoms of thyroid disorder - fatigue, weight gain, taking b/c for exsessive time. So, I asked my doctor who never really heard of it. They took some blood. I have to check more into this, anyone here ever hear about this?

Seen a FUNNY comic Friday - John Reep. (The Hemi guy, he also won Last Comic Standing last season). he was really great.

Got a new cell phone plan. Got a great discount working for the government \:\) I wasn't expecting a break on the phones. \:\) Got a family share plan with BF. He surprised me when we were shopping, he picked out 1 phone and he picked out a backup because of the cost of the 1st. But with my discount the 1st phone ended up being so great and affordable I got the same one \:\)

He's fighting with his employer about a worker's compensation claim. BF twisted his knee on the job 2 weeks ago. This is the same knee he broke several years ago. In our state, aggrivation of a pre-exsisting injury is covered. So, we're dealing with that.

I'm waiting to hear back from the VA regarding my healthcare so I can start going there for my back and my knee. My knee has been hurting lately for some reason. ?

I'm getting organized at home, work, etc. Going through paperwork, cleaning, etc.

My sister's babyshower is next weekend. That's been a headache. No one knows how to RSVP anymore. She ended up having to call her friends to find out if they were coming or not. Then some friends she didn't invite said they wanted to come to the party. Her mom's side of the family isn't talking to her (my sister) because of the pregnancy. My dad's side of the family started to balk, but he (my dad) stopped that and most of them are coming now.
So now, with everyone's kids (yes, at my sister's request everyone's kids are invited) we should have about 50 people.

My mom and her husband are doing well. She's continuing with her chiropractor for care. He's back to work, finally.

My Ebay sales have been going well. I have another batch of stuff I have to put up. It's nice having sort of a part time job with that.

I got on here today because my friend (the one I previously mentioned that I was acting like a DB counselor for), one of her sons was just told by his wife of 7 years that she wants out. He's in the military and he's only been home for 2 weeks. Before he left she insisted on getting a house. They have 2 kids. I told her to give him this website, give him the book.

I hope everyone out there is doing well and having a wonderful Fall and 2008 so far.
Posted By: Toomanywords I'm an AUNT - 12/08/08 02:17 AM
My nephew was born yesterday, Saturday Dec 6. He's amazing. The entire experience of being there and seeing the whole thing was gross and incredible at the same time. I'm so proud
Posted By: whitelight Re: I'm an AUNT - 12/08/08 07:36 PM
Congrats TMW! What a miracle!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm an AUNT - 12/11/08 02:53 AM
Thanks. It was incredible. My sister may be an idiot (no, seriously, the stories would take their own thread)
But I was there for the whole thing all day start to finish and it was just amazing
Posted By: Toomanywords I just need to get this out - 12/12/08 02:03 AM
I need to just get this out somewhere and this is the only place I have that no one knows me, the real me, the face to face me. I don't want to hear anyone's thoughts, opinions or whatever else.

BF and I have a mutual friend. He was BF's friend and became one of my best friends. This is the same person that was our roommate for anyone following the story.
Well, they went Xmas shopping a couple weeks ago. best friend made 1 comment about BF that seemed off. Well, today i found out why.
best friend asked bf about getting me a ring for christmas. especially since bf has my engagement ring to use for $600 credit at sears. BF told best friend I don't deserve it. he immediately asked best friend not to say anything. he wasn't going to, then it started eating at him. he almost told me several times, but hesitated and today just let loose.
i have no words. i can't even look at bf.

my heart hurts.
everyone was right.
i've been so stupid.

again - i really don't want to hear anything. no feedback, encouragement, i told you so's or otherwise. i just needed to get this out
Posted By: Frosty Re: I just need to get this out - 12/12/08 02:52 AM

i'm sad that you're sad.. but, watching you over the years, you are so strong that you can get past this... it's what you do, heck, it's what most of us here do.

hang in there... feel sad for a while, then shake it off and figure out what's next, okay, honey?


take care of you now!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I just need to get this out - 12/12/08 03:47 PM
Thanks Frosty. I'm lucky to have loyal friends who love me, support me and want the best for me. Friends and family who would fight for me.

For one of the first times I can't find words to say. I'm THAT hurt. Even in my divorce I always had words, too many words in fact - thus my user name. But now, with him saying this... let's just say it will probably be put in some hole of my heart where my XH's words about not seeing me as mother of his children are.
And I know that I'll get to a place where I can talk about him saying this without getting choked up - that time just isn't now.

But sooner rather than later it has to be brought up somehow. I don't want him to feel betrayed by his friend, but I don't even think his friend cares.
Thing is, I knew something was up - I knew something was said on their shopping trip that triggered something. Because his friend has had a different attitude towards BF and because he mentioned something about BF being selfish or something to that effect. I figured it was because BF bought himself something or didn't want to spend X amount of dollars. But now I know. I understand all too clearly...because somehow even though I've cooked,cleaned, laughed, cried, advised, gone for broke for BF he thinks I don't deserve a ring.
He doesn't deserve me, he doesn't deserve the THOUGHT of putting a ring on my finger.

I'm fighting the revenge urge that is running through me, trying to find someway to hurt him just as deeply. But I know I won't. I can't do that do someone.
For now, I'll just ignore him as much as possible until I can formulate an educated, civilized way to talk to him, if there is any. And in the mean time I have to put on an act so that no one around me knows anything is wrong.

Anyways - focusing on good instead of bad, I am spending time seeing my nephew this weekend!!! Saturday and Sunday \:\)
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: I just need to get this out - 12/12/08 03:51 PM
TMW the best revenge would be finally getting on with your life and being happy! Get rid of him already... he is a drain on you. You are so much more than him! Please please please kick him to the curb! Do not be living my life in another 20 years... I beg of you.
Posted By: Frosty Re: I just need to get this out - 12/13/08 04:03 AM
well, i think it's great that you don't know what to say and haven't said anything... i don't think it deserves a response. what you said is the truth... you have given, he has taken, now he can't even give you that...

in truth, i have at least one daughter that is a giver. she had a boyfriend that was a taker in high school. for whatever reason, it's attractive and i have lived some of that. but, hopefully, you will find someone that appreciates your giving and not just let it get you. i read your posts about how resourceful you are and how even your xh's family still loves you, not to mention all your friends, even the guy that told you this. this bf has been riding on your coattails.

i think you thought you "needed" (and yes, you love him) for a while, but i read too much strength in these last two posts. i feel sorry for him that the just doesn't know what he "had"... well, wait, not too sorry, stupidity is just that.

the really good thing is that you can still get away before it's too late. the worst case would be for him to get anxious and give you a ring, just because you want one. please don't get caught in that trap.

uou only have one life, find that guy that sees the real you and can't wait to spend his life with you. the one that knows that you are going to be a great mom. these last two guys just aren't worth it.

take care and post here for support... ((((hugs))))
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I just need to get this out - 12/13/08 01:03 PM
Thanks, really - thanks.

It's funny you said that about stupidity Frosty. We were watching the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" a couple days ago and there is a scene with her and her exboyfriend talking about their relationship and she tells him - she tried EVERYTHING and he was too stupid to notice.
Aaaaa the irony.

Still haven't said anything. 1 word answers to questions and such. Gearing up i guess
Posted By: whitelight Re: I just need to get this out - 12/15/08 07:38 AM

This is a war against an adversary. You don't need revenge, but you need what's fair. Before you say anything, try to get as much as you are owed from him. If not in cash, then somehow. and then just tell him to get lost.

Yes, the pain will be tremendous. But you live and not only that but you will thrive.

TMW, I have seen you win so many contests, be such a great supporter, get yourself into job after promotion after paying off a debt, to a job. You are strong and a hard worker.
The only thing that holds you back is this loser.

Don't take this personal, him saying that. He's just a LOSER.
He's a user. He would use anyone who would let him. Cut him out and move forward.
Good days are on their way. Pick out your inspirational songs - I know you love music and get on with it!

God has decided you have had enough! God doesn't want you to marry this user that is why you have been told this great information! You have been lucky once again. You have just saved yourself years of heartache and trouble.


I guess those are my thoughts and opinions that you said you didn't want to hear...hm...sorry about that. Just trying to give you a spoon full of sugar...a spoon full of hope...a spoon full of encouragement. I wish you could see yourself as strong and amazing as I see you.

Posted By: whitelight Re: I just need to get this out - 12/20/08 06:49 PM

Just checking up on you. I know you love holidays. I hope you are spending time with your beautiful new niece/nephew!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I just need to get this out - 12/26/08 01:26 PM
Thanks -holidays were fun. Things with BF are just sort of there. Not talking much, we celebrated Xmas and he was very nice.
Posted By: whitelight Re: I just need to get this out - 01/04/09 06:08 PM
Throw him out. Geez.
Posted By: Toomanywords 3 months difference - 03/12/09 06:51 PM
Wow, can't believe it's been that long.

BF did a 180. I changed and so did he. I'm not putting up with the BS. He got a full time, steady job. We're paying off debt and things are going well.

My sister - ugh. She's coming over tonight and we (her mom, my dad, myself) are all sure she is going to #1 ask for money and #2 ask for her, the baby, her friend, her friend's baby and the possible baby-daddy to all move into my house. I'm preparing a speech since she can only call me or text me when she wants money, ride or babysitter; she has no job and no money.

My grandparents aren't doing well. My grandpa is in the hospital for the 2nd time in the past month. \:\( His tire shop is done, we are cleaning out for sale. My grandma cannot get around very well at all.

My dad and his fiancee both lost their temporary jobs. Dad got a new job at a place he loves \:\) His fiancee is doing ok with unemployment for now while she looks for something.

I took up a hobby/project of working on my family tree using a website called geni . It's great. I'm connected to 1,566 people at last count! It's fun and interesting and educational.

I'm also working with a friend on planning our 10 year high school reunion. We're having trouble finding a location. We don't have any sort of fund to pay for things, so we have to try to book a place and then send out invites and prices and collect money. We're looking at having it at our high school right now.

Since this is the divorce site and all I guess I could mention that XH set up a website for his church. It's very close to where my mom is, and she keeps joking about going for service one day. I just live with the peace of mind that I did all I could do in the marriage and I now have a life that I love that is going well.

I am feeling very good right now - I have a friend who is contemplating divorce, so I had 1 session left with a DB Coach that I put into her name. I hope it helps her.

Hope anyone reading this is well and healthy.
Posted By: whitelight Re: 3 months difference - 03/17/09 05:45 AM
That was so sweet of you to give your dbust session to a friend. You have such a kind heart. ;\)
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: 3 months difference - 03/17/09 08:40 PM
Aw thanks.

How are you white? What's new with you? I tried to search for any posts about your life, but couldn't find anything.

For my friend, I just know it's a big struggle for her. Most recently she said that her and her H talked and he is going to try to improve things he does. I feel horrible knowing that there are 4 kids involved and knowing she quit her job to take care of them since child care costs were running so high.

Happy St. Patty's day \:\)
Posted By: whitelight Re: 3 months difference - 03/18/09 04:00 PM
Hey TMW,

What's going on with me? Life is pretty good. I got the hang of this GAL thing, that's for sure. About every 3 months I have some new hobby, adventure or project I'm putting into the works.

I date, but I admit I am very sick of dating and very sick of being single. When i meet a guy where things click. They usually pursuit me and make me all sort of promises and act like they are falling in love until about 2 months and that's when they start treating me not as well and either dump me or try to have me on their back burner.

I have dated all different types of men with different occupations, backgrounds etc.

I don't know what more I can do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. ;\)

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: 3 months difference - 03/31/09 08:45 PM
Sorry white, no dating advice but I will eventually be out there with you.
BF is no longer sleeping in my room. I've had enough (I know that many of you are saying FINALLY . Sorry I don't want to hear the love and support and rejoicing right now)
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: 3 months difference - 03/31/09 09:32 PM
Posted By: whitelight Re: 3 months difference - 04/02/09 02:18 AM

How's the job and the other goals of the poetry and exercising.

If nothing else, I am an expert on GAL!!! LOL
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: 3 months difference - 06/03/09 12:37 AM
Sorry I didn't respond. My grandmother had a stroke, we have to go and move her from one state back here to live with my mom. My great-grandmother has advanced alzheimer's. Work is going alright. BF is living in the basement. He says he wants to try - he can go ahead and try, I've got nothing left. Right now he's helping with bills, if nothing else.
My bday is coming up. that's the short of it.
Posted By: whitelight Re: 3 months difference - 06/03/09 07:35 PM

If I were you I would enter more sweepstakes. You win more than anyone I know! Isn't it time for a free vacation? Cruise? something?
wink lol

Keep on keeping on. wink
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: 3 months difference - 06/03/09 08:01 PM
Sorry to hear about your grandmother. Get out and enjoy your life. You are young and you have a bright future. I just know it.

Posted By: whitelight Re: 3 months difference - 06/06/09 11:29 PM
Hey TMW!

How's your weekend? Finally watched the movie, "The Secret." I have to admit it's working already. wink

Have you seen it?

You and I have been at this a long time. Our lives are meant to be wonderful!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: 3 months difference - 06/26/09 12:54 PM
Randomly checked back.
Things working better with BF.
Grandma now moved up to OH from TN, living with mom for now.
My grandfather on dad's side passed away.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: 3 months difference - 06/26/09 03:10 PM
Sorry to hear about your grandfather...life itself is it's own rollercoaster, isn't it?
Posted By: whitelight Re: 3 months difference - 07/02/09 12:06 AM
Enter any contests lately? I want you to win a vacation, but take me instead of your bf! lol
Posted By: Toomanywords 4 years, 2 weeks since seperated - 07/24/09 02:03 AM
Yes, I've been entering contests - no big winnings.

I realized today walking to the bus stop for work that I didn't even think that it was July, it was around THAT time of the month.
No, not talking ovaries, talking about the time 4 years ago when my....whatever you want to call it....all started.
In previous years I remembered "on this date we seperated, on this date this or that".

I see this as a good sign. I know the dates if I think really hard, but that's just it - it's not fresh in my mind. I know certain dates will be there longer, maybe forever. Those are certain dates I know to schedule activities or just schedule to be alone and reflective depending on my mood.

In a possible bad turn of thoughts I realized that after 4 years I still have more good memories than bad, not that I ever had bad memories. Of course the painful, hurtful words said during the D will be a scar on my heart...possibly forever. But it's ok. I've learned and grown. In a sentimental moment I realized I don't remember his smell or the look in his eyes. The sound of his first name still causes a stir in me, even if I know it's someone else.

I don't know. Just sort of babbling out some thoughts that occured today. This is really the only appropriate place I could think of to release them, since I don't keep a journal or anything.

I definately am in a different place than I planned, and I know it's not a bad thing.

My friend, I think I mentioned her a couple months ago - she has 4 youngings and she was pondering D, but reconsidered. Well, she asked for the name/number of a lawyer. Her H is seemingly blindsided. I feel awful for them. I know the heartache, the betrayal. I only pray they can find their way through, one way or another.

There is a woman I work with. Her son is going through a D. She confided to me that she was sucidial over his D. I'm not a parent, and even parents that I've talked to thought this was a bit extreme. I told her about this website and I even gave her my copy of the book that I thinks he sent him.

O - I forgot to mention with other things going on that my dad got married, for the 3rd time. Both parents on #3. WOW. And I'm working on our family tree and apparently 3 marriages is not uncommon. frown Hope I can break the cycle.

I am finding information on programs that may help me fix up my house smile

Those are just about all of my random thoughts, ideas, emotions for the time being. Hope anyone reading this is well.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: 4 years, 2 weeks since seperated - 08/28/09 12:49 PM
How are things TMW?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: 4 years, 2 weeks since seperated - 09/02/09 01:36 AM
Things are hectic. Today was a down today - I woke up feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I woke up with the alarm and I started crying.

My kitchen ceiling came crashing down. So I'm working on gaining funding for that. Finding out my house is a lemon.

Things with BF haven't been the greatest. I'm demanding more, better for myself. I put too much out and not getting enough in return and I'm putting my foot down about it.
Before anyone jumps in with excitement - it's not over. At least not yet. We've been together for about 4 years now. We live together. I'm not a walk away type of person. But I'm also no push over, simpleton or anything of the like.

My grandma is in a nursing home - loads of drama there.

No big winnings to report. I'm entering tons of contests though.

Work is going well. Very well actually. Lots of work, lots of responsibility.

I recently got to have a series of spa/salon treatments from a certificate BF got me I think for Valentine's day. Massage, hair, pedicure, facial. It was great.

Hope everyone out there is doing alright.
Posted By: Toomanywords Pushed to the breaking point - 09/23/09 01:05 PM
Not sure if anyone will read this. This was a neutral somewhat annonymous site that I can post and vent and whatever.
I already know what some people from the past here would say to what I'm about to post - but I don't care. This is my place to get it out.

BF has done a lot wrong over the years that, given what I went through with my D, had made me insecure.

Long story short - last night I found that he has a new "friend". Last Saturday he was supposed to be with a friend out of state (this is a mutual friend who SWEARS BF was with him). Last Saturday there are 19 texts between him and his new "friend". He says this person is someone from his bank that sends him jokes.

I called the number, the girl was ok at first - at least acted like she didn't know BF's name. Then suddenly hung up. According to our online account, she then text him 4 times.

He swore to my mom and his mom that he isn't cheating.

What else am I led to believe?

He is secretive and noncommunicative. His current and previous actions have led to distrust.

After 4 years, it sure has hell seems like enough is enough.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/23/09 02:15 PM
TMW, you know in your heart what is going on. The question is are you going to accept it?

I am so sorry about this.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/23/09 02:29 PM
Even if she and he are telling the truth, to me, 22 texts back and forth in a 6 hour timeframe is a bit extreme. (10 he recieved, 12 he sent)
If he was truly responding to message she sent #1 he wouldn't have sent her a message. #2 there would be equal amounts of sending & recieving.

Another reason I posted here, is because I know that most people on this board know what I went through, what I'm going through. You know the insecurities, you might be able to understand my paranoia as BF calls it.

I told my friend last night, not counting anything from my past - just looking at this isolated incident; and I'll put this out there as sort of a poll:

22 messages back and forth in 1 day from your significant other to someone of the opposite sex on a day when the SO is supposed to be with one of their friends. What would you think?
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/23/09 03:02 PM
TMW, you are a very intelligent young woman and you are not paranoid. Please don't let him continue to do this to you.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/25/09 07:44 PM
Thank you very much.

Wednesday night I went home not sure what was going to happen. I had an eviction notice but I wasn't sure if I was going to give it to him.
I didn't go to him, I waited. He started a fight - I told him if this was an innocent friendship, then show me. Show me the jokes. While showing me the jokes she sent him a text. We fought. I walked away.
He called my mom for advice, she called me to ask what I wanted. She encouraged us to talk. So I went to talk to him.

2 hours later, no resolution. From what he said - I'm not supposed to talk to anyone about any of our private lives. There is no point in us asking each other about our days, because it's always the same. He will relay any important information to me. I need to stop being so controlling and paranoid. I need to stop snooping and going behind his back. I need to let him have his friends. I don't need to worry about his health or finances.

And by me asking him to be open and honest, that means that I'm controlling him and I want to know every single detail of his life.

I explained that I'm paranoid because he's closed off and secretive. He says he's like that because of how I am.

I offered the possibility of counseling - but that would just be another person for me to tell everything to.

*at 1 point in the 2 hour discussion, he told me he was upset because he stopped at work on his day off Wednesday and they all knew what was going on. I told him #1 I didn't call his work. #2 his brother works there and either he told his brother or he talked to his mom and his mom told his brother who ran his mouth.

So after 2 hours, I handed him the eviction notice and walked away from the circle of blame. I tried to break it, and nothing worked. Everytime I tried to summarize what he wanted, he'd make a comment about how I'm controlling, or how things will never change.

I told him - he wants his single life with *some* relationship benefits. I told him to watch other people, see how the interact.

I called his mother to simply let her know that he was being evicted. She immediately defended him asking, "He can't have friends?" she asked if I wanted her to call him and I said in the most calm voice that I don't care, I was just calling to let her know he was evicted.

Yesterday morning he sent me a text that I need to apologize to this girl for messing up her week.
I forwarded her the message with a note that said BF sent this - make sure you tell him I sent this to you.

No reply.
I sent no message to BF.

When I got home, he wasn't home from work yet. I went to a Home depot do-it-herself workshop. I came home and he wasn't home.
No texts, no calls to or from either of us.

I took a shower, and he came home. I got out, dressed and went upstairs to watch tv and go to sleep. Nothing said. Didn't even look at him.

Today I had to call my cell phone provider because they are showing WAY more minutes used than should be. Turns out a number that I thought was in network, isn't yet. Well, I was asked to go over the current charges to see if there were any other phone numbers like this
(I'm with verizon, who bought alltell. SOME alltell customers are in network, most won't be added until after oct 17)
This affects calls and texts.
So I really, honestly had to look.

Sure enough - last night. After he came home from work. She sent him a message. He replied. She sent him 2 messages. He replied. She sent another message.

No idea what was said back and forth. Interesting since she specifically sent me a text saying she was changing her number and she didn't want to be his friend.

I'm just counting the days at this point because according to the court, since there was no written agreement I had to give him a 30 days notice.
I'm dark or as I thought of today - I'm adopting a laisse-faire attitude (it's french for a hands-off government approach). I thought it was appropriate.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/28/09 05:33 PM
Went home Friday - nothing.
Saturday after work he was getting ready to leave, we started to argue again. I told him I'm sick of arguing. I mentioned that he hasn't said anything since I left our fight - he said he tried to knock on my bedroom door Friday night. I told him I was asleep. I suggested we talk now - but that was keeping him from leaving so I told him to just go.

Not sure how many out there believe in or have an opinion of pyschics - but my friend has one that has been very accurate in her life, so I called. Without me saying anything other than my name she told me about getting new pillows for my neck problems and headaches and a promotion at work - she asked if I live with someone and she said I need to boot him out - he's an anchor and I need to be involved with someone who compliments me. She sees BF as a financial drain, she sees him getting laid off - sleeping a lot, trashing the house, bottles all over, having friends over. She mentioned she seen a problem with his right knee (which is true) and said that if/when he goes on disability he'll be satisfied with that and that he's content just getting by - which anyone who has been reading my stuff knows is all true.

She asked if I've been thinking about going back to school - she said I should and she sees me involved with a part-time instructor. She seen me getting into skiiing. She said I do the same thing everyday and I'm bored with life.

She ended with telling me not to make any rash decisions.

Weird. I'm not making any decisions based on what she said, but it was weird and interesting that she gave all that based on my name over the phone.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/29/09 12:06 AM
I repeat...

Originally Posted By: MsInvisible
TMW, you are a very intelligent young woman and you are not paranoid. Please don't let him continue to do this to you.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/29/09 02:28 AM
Thank you

It's so hard to just stop loving and caring. I can't stop that tiny slice of hope.
I don't believe it will happen, I don't count on it - but I still hope.

I know, everyone in the world has told me and is telling me - I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, I deserve more and I deserve better.

The heart wants what the heart wants and it's such a struggle. I go through moments of being numb or almost ok and then suddenly, like right now I am crying so hard it's hard to breath.

Thank you MsInvisible for being here. I really appreciate it. I can't keep talking about this to my mom - she worries about me so much as it is.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/29/09 03:35 PM
last night was quiet. we watched some tv. no talking.
after we both headed to our respective floor of the house, i broke down.

I went and told BF that it's hard living like this and everyone is telling how beautiful and intelligent I am and I should just move on and I'm supposed to be this wall and be stoic but sometimes it's not who I am and I can't do it - i can't just turn off or stop caring.

I followed up with a text letting him know i wasn't trying to make him feel guilty - just letting him know how i feel.

he didn't say anything and i really wasn't looking for him to say anything.

I don't know what's going to happen. The eviction stands. I know that even counseling wouldn't work right now, nothing will change or get better until we both mutually work together and change. I'm open and willing, but I can't force him to grow up- to be responsible and communicate. Sounds so basic sometimes.

i'm so tired physically, mentally and emotionally. i've really, truly got nothing left. all words in my head and heart have been spoken, written, text, emailed. i've tried everything i can try and this really is the only thing left is to just shut down/go dark. i have no expectations, i have no plans. i cannot change anyone but myself.

I wrote today - first time in a long time. it's pretty specific. not sure if it's any good.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/30/09 12:47 AM
Its only over when you say it is. Some of us told you 4 years ago what this guy was about. You know it. You write about it. Your disappointments in him. You don't want us to tell you. But it won't get any better. It won't end till you end it. You need to get on with your life. It is obvious you want someone who will really love you. Plan a future. Have a child. Why do you settle?

No more excuses. No more "my H did damage to me". Stop being a victim. Do for yourself. You will not even miss him. You will feel empowered. When are you going to take the first step in the rest of your life?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/30/09 06:10 PM
Thanks Sun - you are right, everyone is right. I know it. My head knows it's all true. It's just very hard on the heart. I love him and I can't just turn it off, no matter how lazy or silent or anything else that he is.

The eviction notice stands and will stand. The only way that would change is if I seen a sudden miracle I only hope for (note hope - I'm not counting on it, not expecting it). If I seen a continuous change - none of this "try" and "change" that doesn't happen or only happens for a couple of days.
If he was suddenly communicating and willing to work on things, even consider counseling - those would be steps in a direction.

I know my co-workers, my friends, my family, you all here, hell even a psychic/stranger has told me all the same. And I know it's ultimately up to me and I'm taking those steps - it's just hard along the way

30 days to go
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/30/09 08:46 PM
Bravo! And I truly mean that. I thought you were going to bite my head off for being frank. But girl, you have so much going for you and he sucks the life right out of you. Love???? What is it anyway? How can it be so great when you have zero respect for him?

Time to focus on you. Time to find out why you value yourself so little that you let someone like this use and abuse you.

Don't wait for the miracle - plan on life without him. I wouldn't let him stay ONE minute after I learned of the cheating. He should be out on his ear. His bed - let him lie in it.

Keep being strong!
Posted By: whitelight Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/04/09 03:08 AM
I hesitate to write you because it hurts to care about someone who never listens to you. However, I'll give it one more shot.

Here's my advice: Go to therapy for yourself.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 11/11/09 12:50 PM
It's been 30 days right? How are you TMW?
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 11/26/09 11:31 AM
Happy Thanksgiving TMW, I hope things are going well and you are looking after and taking care of yourself.
Posted By: whitelight Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 11/27/09 09:11 PM
I'm sorry that my last post was kind of mean. I hope I didn't scare you away. I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving.

2010 could be your year TMW, you know what to do!!!

We believe in you. wink
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/25/10 05:40 PM
Hi, I'm here. I haven't even thought about this site, sorry/glad to say.

BF stayed after my last post. Things were ok through the holidays. He got sick the day after Xmas and that's the day I found out he had been calling & texting 1 of his exgirlfriends. She's married. From Christmas to a couple days after New Years - 33 texts & 8 calls.
Confrontation to both of them - she was sorry and understanding and everything. Same 'ol from him.

He stayed.
(yes, I know how stupid I sound to most of you)

Later that same week he went out with a friend.
I woke up the next morning at 6AM with a gut feeling to look at his phone. He wrote to the friend he went out with (before they went out) that I wouldn't be coming with him, that he might have someone better - that it would be a surprise.

I woke him up at 6 AM - he said it was a joke. I started packing his stuff. That night he slept at a friends.
The next day he went back to the friend and he called my mom asking what he could do.
The next day he came to the house with flowers, candy, an apology card. That week he did dishes and made dinner.
This last week things have been pretty alright.
Last weekend, the internet history showed that he went to Craigslist for another city and was scanning personal ads. Didn't click on any though.

In the spirit of this rebuilding or whatever I didn't say anything.

Well, this morning I found that he was on the local craigslist looking at personal ads and even clicked on at least 1.

So I've got nothing left. There is no understanding or forgiveness left. I sent him a text saying he'd rather look for someone else on personals than work on the R so he has until end of Feb to move out.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/25/10 06:04 PM
Hugs TMW, I wish I could stop you from living my life and going down the same road I have for the last 20 years but I know that I can't. I just pray that you get it sooner than I did, at least you don't have two kids like I do.

btw I do not see it as a good thing that you have not thought of this sight... whatever that means.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/25/10 07:02 PM
Even a mutual friend of ours - he really thought that BF wanted to work on the R and stay in it after what happened 2 weeks ago.

He's really disappointed and upset with BF (mutual friend, for those following along at home is our ex-gay roommate. He was BF's friend first, but has become my BFF). He, along with my mom, my friends - he cannot see how or why I gave BF so many chances - and how BF screwed up so many chances. He says I tried more than any person he has ever met & he doesn't know how I stayed this long.

Right now I feel like it's nothing more than the fact that I don't have anymore understanding and or forgiveness.
I still love and care.
Geesh - hasn't anyone found that switch to turn that off yet.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/25/10 07:33 PM
The switch is internal and only you can turn it off by realizing that you are worth so much more than this pozer can offer.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/26/10 05:56 PM
He came home, acted like nothing was wrong. I didn't say anything. Watched some tv, he was on the computer for a little while. I came down and asked if he wanted his pillow or anything from the bedroom and he got all upset and we fought a little. I told him - I don't have any understanding or forgiveness left. I told him he's sabotaging the relationship because everytime I give him another chance and start trusting him again, he does something to ruin it. I tried asking him why - but he didn't know. That's when I told him to grow up. He says I'm crazy and I'll never trust him. He says looking at personal ads is no big deal - I told him that right there shows that he doesn't realize that it is a big deal when you are supposed to be in a committed relationship.

At one point when we were arguing about him leaving - he apparently talked to someone who told him I have to give him a written 30 day eviction notice and he can appeal it and make it go on for 6 months or more. I asked if he really wanted to do that - and if so he should just get a mortgage and take over the frickin house. He said several times he doesn't want to leave and wants the relationship. I told him I don't understand why when his actions time and time and time and time (etc) again he doesn't show it. He asked what I wanted and I told him, "you
may not remember but when we first started dating the 1 thing I asked for was honesty and you've never been able to do do that" he said he'd try. I told him I've heard it before. That was pretty much the point where I went to bed.

Who knows. He slept on the couch. I told him this morning that he can think about things today, tonight - whenever. If he has something he wants me to know, he knows all the ways he can communicate with me.

My head knows - knows I am done and I give up and there's no more. My heart is part way there, but not 100%.

I know some people reading this think I'm stupid, crazy, pathetic or whatever else they want to say. To those - I want to say you aren't here, you read the 15 seconds of a day that gets posted. If you haven't been in this exact situation here and now- you don't fully know. Not to mention it's my life and I live with my decisions and look myself in the mirror. I do take those close to the situation - I take their opinion into heavy consideration. Like our mutual friend. When he is telling me BF uses me, doesn't love me, etc - that weighs heavy with my heart. Not that I don't value the opinion of others or that there aren't certain individuals on this board who I don't have great respect for.
I'm just trying to say, basically, don't read 1 post and send me messages telling me what a loser I am.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/26/10 06:34 PM
Well since I seem to be the only one responding I do not think you are a loser nor have I ever called you that. I have been with you on this board since day one and I am well aware of your entire story, what you post here and what you don't post here, because I have lived it and still am living it to some extent.

Oh I just realized I did change my name, TMW, this is Sara (NNP).

You are right, no one has to live with your decisions but you.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/26/10 10:31 PM
No, I know you don't think that. I know that there are others.

I know who you are sweetie. smile

My mom said the same thing - the only advice she will give me is to follow my own advice. She said she always followed what everyone else told her and that's why she's on H #3. She said she doesn't want me to go through a breakup and regret it but she doesn't want me to stay and get hurt again.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/18/10 10:13 PM
*Anyone know how to access older posts? I can get back to Chapter 16 1/18/06-2/8/06.

I wanted to go back and save my posts as sort of a journal. Any ideas/suggestions?

I tried sending an email through the website, but no response in over a week.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/18/10 10:13 PM
*Anyone know how to access older posts? I can get back to Chapter 16 1/18/06-2/8/06.

I wanted to go back and save my posts as sort of a journal. Any ideas/suggestions?

I tried sending an email through the website, but no response in over a week.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/18/10 10:14 PM
duplicate post deleted
Posted By: MaMaMo Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/18/10 10:56 PM
Left click on your name and a list will appear, click on View Post.

A list will appear with all your post and you will have to click on the page bar near the bottom, click on the last page and go from there.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/18/10 11:21 PM
So, let me guess - loser boyfriend is still in the picture. You've been posting about what a loser is since I moved into this house - 4 years ago. You said you wanted to find Mr Right, get married again, have some kids. You know you'll never have that as long as you cling to loser. And wow - what a guy. Now he is forcing you to KEEP HIM????? Looking for a legal loophole? What kind of bottom feeder is he? The worst I've ever heard of.

And I know you hate me posting the same 'ol. And I know you aren't listening. But if it helped someone else to read this - then it was written for a reason.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/20/10 11:13 AM
Thanks MaMaMo - when I do that, it's weird - I have posts going back to July 2005, but they are replies to other people's posts and not my own.

I got a response back and was told that they don't have any way of pulling up posts that far back.
So if anyone reading might have been posting back in 2005 and can see any of my old posts, can you let me know? Thanks. (i'm just trying to make a journal or something of my journey)
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/20/10 01:00 PM
I see older stuff than that for you... When I click on your name and "view posts" it gives me 35 pages and goes all the way back to the day you registered.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/20/10 01:02 PM
oops I mean 36 pages. I think I found what your looking for and I will post it here, but I am hoping you will update... okay, deal?

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 12:30 PM
Chapter 16 is as far back as I can find.

It's weird and I don't understand that part of this site - how can I see replies I made to other people's posts July 2005, but not my own posts.
I went back and relabeled all of my posts and started with Chapter 1. Even so - when I view posts under my name, I see a lot of Re: but not a lot of original posts. Weird. Very weird.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 12:34 PM
oh sorry, I thought you were looking for Chapter 16. I think a lot of things were lost when they switched to this format... which btw I hate.

You could still give us an update though smile
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 01:39 PM
I was trying to get all my posts - make a journal or something. Oh well. If anyone reading looks through their own viewable posts and sees anything they replied to on one of my posts before Chapter 16, before 1/18/06 please let me know.

Not much of an update. Same stuff, different day. I've pretty much shut down, gone dark - whatever you want to call it. Let's see, last big post was 1/26/10. We've been ok, bad, ok, bad.
Our friend - the ex-roommate, gay friend - he got in the middle of our R. At the begining of Feb he told me that BF told him stuff - like that BF was planning on moving out. I confronted BF, he denied - we sort of confronted the friend and he blew up saying he wanted nothing more to do with BF.
Couple weeks later - they are friends again and he told BF that he (the friend) didn't tell me those things! I asked BF - why be friends with someone who not only lies about you but lies to you.

There is even less communication and whatever. Not yesterday, but the 3 Sundays prior - he took off. Wouldn't say where he was going or with who (if anyone). During the time he was gone, wouldn't answer his phone by call or text.

Last weekend I was fed up and I had a sleepover at a hotel with friends. It was a lot of fun. But I didn't tell BF anything - i didn't tell him i was going anywhere or anything. And he never called or text to try to find out where i was.

When he came home Sunday, no conversation. later in the day we talked a little and he made a comment that I didn't even come home the night before - and i told him, "you didn't care, you didn't call or text".

my mom talked to him (i did not ask her, i did not prompt her)- he supposedly told her that he wanted to be with me and have a relationship. She told him to grow up and act his age (30) instead of acting like a teenager.

Most recently, this past weekend he went to the friend's place out of town. Told me on Friday. No communication all of Saturday or Sunday when he came home and when he came home, the only thing he had to ask was if I was hungry.
So after a 5-7 nap, asked again.
Later I went and very flatly, calmly, non-emotionally asked him to leave. He was defensive and asked WHY - I told him he was gone all weekend without a word and comes home and no, "hello, how are you, i missed you," nothing except "u hungry"
he said i didn't say anything either, to which i replied - no, i did not because any questions i ask i either don't get an answer or i am called a controlling, nosy b**ch. I asked him to name 1 thing, just 1 thing, he has done to try to make this work and even he said nothing.
then he wanted me to leave him alone so i went upstairs.

So that's where things stand. Not sure what the future holds.
Right now I could take it or leave it - but I'm not putting forth any more effort into the relationship until or unless he does and then I will put forth equal effort.
I was at a book store and found a bunch of relationship books on clearance (Dr Phil's Love Smart, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, etc). They were only $1 and I started to read the Dr Phil - but I stopped. Why am I going to read about fixing a relationship if I'm the only one willing to put forth the energy. No, not anymore.
I love him - but if he wants to be with me, he needs to show it and he needs to prove it.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 01:52 PM


The only relationship you need to fix is the one with yourself.

Extra points if you can tell me where that line is from.
But seriously... it applies to you more than the person who I heard say it.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 05:13 PM
I read that at the begining of Love Smart wink

It is very true. I'm very blah right now. Not sure if it's exactly down, definately not up.

More than anything....disappointed....in myself, in BF, in the relationship
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 06:00 PM
oh never read that... it is from Sex and the City, The Movie. {blush}
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 06:05 PM
"Last weekend I was fed up and I had a sleepover at a hotel with friends. It was a lot of fun. But I didn't tell BF anything - i didn't tell him i was going anywhere or anything. And he never called or text to try to find out where i was.

When he came home Sunday, no conversation. later in the day we talked a little and he made a comment that I didn't even come home the night before - and i told him, "you didn't care, you didn't call or text".

my mom talked to him (i did not ask her, i did not prompt her)- he supposedly told her that he wanted to be with me and have a relationship. She told him to grow up and act his age (30) instead of acting like a teenager."

Honestly, the exchanges between the two of you make you both sound like teenagers.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 06:29 PM
Yeah MsInvisible - Sex & the city. LOL - I commented over on your thread smile

bright - you are right and that is how I have been feeling and it's unacceptable, which is why I have (finally) put my foot down. What my mom said is right - start acting 30 instead of 16.

Maybe it's just me - but I don't know any other 30 year olds that go home, don't talk - don't communicate at all with the person that is "supposed" to be their significant other, that they are supposed to be building a life with. A 30 year old who can't fathom nouns or verbs for any thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Emotionally retarded for lack of a better term and because anger and whatever else.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 06:42 PM
Okay, sounds like time to do something. I am sure you have heard the esxpression...."The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So do something different. And I don't mean going away without telling him then being mad he didn't contact you....that is passive/aggressive and somewhat childish. Good luck.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 03/22/10 07:21 PM
bright - you are right again. I have been trying to figure out how to break the pattern and do something different. (Are you sure you are in VA and not OH???? smile ) At least at this given moment at 2:55 PM EST on Monday March 22, 2010....I am doing nothing . I am always the one trying, talking, planning, thinking, etc. I readily admit that I have almost been obsessed with relationship stuff - talking about it, working on it, etc.

Now, I am putting forth as much effort as the other person involved - and right now that is none. I put options out on the table.

For me myself - I am planning to take a couple days off work in May (I am on an assignment at work where I can take time off, but it is highly preferred I wait until after a certain date) And that is only about a month away. I plan to clean and organize my house as a way to help in other areas of my life. Since I moved into my house- I've never felt like I used to, when I was married and in my other house - things were very orderly and most things had a place and I had a general schedule for cleaning. Ever since I moved in my house - everything feels disorganized and unkempt. If my downstairs was clean and presentable - things were thrown upstairs and stuffed away. Also in my current house - doors are often closed (because of the cats), but it gives a very dark feeling inside that I don't like.

*just as a general rambling that I may take on my thread - I don't like my house. For those who have been around a while may very well know. My house has issues (HA - just think of that article msinvisible about house=marriage LMFAO) (I know that BF and I aren't married, but I've learned that any long term relationship has many of the same principles as marriage).

Anyway - I liked my house when I moved in, but I went in very blind. I had an inspection, but I didn't know. OH the things I didn't know-If I only knew then what I know now-NOW I know that a freshly painted basement with dry-lock paint probably means moisture problems. I know now to look up, down, upsidedown and sideways at every knook, cranny, crevis, from floor to ceiling on every floor of the house. I know that "repaired by licensed professional" could very well mean some shmuck that says he's a handyman did the work and in the very near future the ceiling he repaired will be falling down (and he now denies touching). I also know what a structural/support beam should and shouldn't look like (shouldn't have a big crack with a little board screwed in next to it) Also an unapproved, untraceable addition to the house that was never signed off on by authorities - will likely come crashing down around you (literally)

Yes, the house had given me many many many lessons. Toilet replacement, basement waterproofing, wall/ceiling/cabinet replacement. Not to mention the joys of not using the upstairs tub for fear of ending up in the living room below. Not to mention the roof that will be required in the next couple years, or the countless other items on the repair list.
But alas, there are some possible sunnysides - as there are laws that force previous owners to disclose such problems and when they don't, the court systems will (hopefully) serve justice where it is due. (May 5) smile

Anyway - thanks for reading and hanging with me and keeping me company. (This next part is meant for those it applies to) I know how frustrated many of you are with me and the sitch with BF. I have no idea what will happen tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year. I would ask that you keep in mind that I do read everything here and I also ask that you keep in mind that this is 1 very small fraction out of a 24 hr day, a 168 hr week, a 720 hr month. The few moments I take to write, to vent, to rejoice - they are but a small window opening of my life, so I ask that you do not presume to know every detail about me and that you know what is best.

I very much appreciate all feedback, information, reviews & support that is offered.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 04/26/10 02:38 PM
Hi. feeling down today. Not much change, don't want to talk about it - ups and downs. Yesterday big down, can't figure out what's going on with him. Wish my crystal ball was working to know what to do/say (other than just leave BF). really Just wanted to say hi since it's been a little while in case anyone cares.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 04/26/10 02:40 PM
Hi TMW, I am feeling very down today too. frown
Posted By: LolaL Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 04/26/10 02:44 PM
It's in the water. I was yesterday, but I can attest to the fact that it does pass... wink
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 04/26/10 04:36 PM
Sorry it seems to be going around. I know the affect this mood has on me and I know the cause and I know A solution, I just don't know if it is THE solution for me. I know I said this before, but I truly feel and believe it now more than ever that there is nothing else I can say or do, regardless of my heart.

UGH I have a headache.

I really thought about staying home, but I know that would make things worse cause I'd dwell. Not that I'm not now, but I have more distractions at work.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 04/27/10 02:13 PM
Feeling better today. Not sure if this is a full explination for the mood yesterday, but I heard on the news that the pollen and mold count was very very high here in the Midwest.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 12:41 PM
its over
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 01:05 PM
hugs to you TMW... we are here if you need us.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 01:59 PM
No idea what the future holds, but I reached my breaking point and yesterday the final straw was laid. He made plans and I told him if he went through with them, he could have a nice life.

Its obviously more complicated than that. If anyone remembers last year around this time, plans that were made. Well, same plans, different year. I'm always an afterthought. All the while I'm trying to make plans and include him from the begining. Not dropping it on him and telling him "tomorrow, if you want to be included, you can spend $X". That is pretty much exactly how it went. So I gave him the choice - I threw the ball back at him - he knew the consequences.

I have a hunch he thinks that I'm not serious. But last night I re-iterated by telling him to let me know a date when he'll be out.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 02:05 PM
sorry to say it TMW but he is not going to take you seriously about anything you say, because you have shown him you are not serious about what you say. You are going to have to prove you mean it by actions. Maybe you should tell him what date you want him out and stick to it.

You know I think a lot of you, I see a lot of myself in you and I wish so badly I could keep you from being in my shoes in 20 years. But I know I can't... only you can decide how much $hit you are willing to swallow.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 03:03 PM
I can at least say that this all feels different this time. I am oddly calm. No tears or anything. I've just reached that breaking point and I can't and won't do this anymore.

Honestly, from here, of course I wish this could be his ultimate wake up call and he would see the error of his ways and make some major life changes. Grow up, make some goals & priorities.
But the reality is that that isn't going to happen. I have to do what is best for me and I can't keep being the only one working on the relationship. I can't keep being an afterthought.

He made his choice and I made mine. From the way I feel right now - it would take an ocean of tears filled with roses with a crystal boat stocked with blackberry wine and lobster to make me even reconsider.
(just trying to be as largely dramatic and slightly funny as possible with my favorite drink and food thrown in)

I'm about to be 29 and 30 comes very shortly after that LOL I thought I would be in a very different place in my life right now, but I'm not and I want and need to make a different path. I want and need to be with someone who has a path so we can see if our paths line up; instead of someone who doesn't even have a path.

i'm babbling, sorry. hope that metephor makes some sort of sense.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 03:11 PM
It makes perfect sense to me... I got married when I was 30.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 03:59 PM
just curious - your marriage at 30 - was that the one that lead you here? sorry my mind isn't with it at the moment - are you currently married?
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 04:29 PM
yes this is my one and only marriage and yes still married (well sort of).
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 05:42 PM
Gotcha. Sorry.

I've been through the marriage game once, if/when I do it again - I do want it to be forever, like I planned for the first one to be wink

It's ridiculous that we've been together going on 5 years and we aren't anywhere near even talking about marriage. Unacceptable! smile
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 08:30 PM
Honey, how long have all of us here been TELLING you he wasn't marriage material??????

Have a little faith in yourself - you deserve a much better guy, one who appreciates you, thinks you're fabulous, and is willing to put the same effort into the relationship that you are. He's out there - go find him.

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 10:07 PM
Ellie is spot on!

TMW have you seen the movie or read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" ?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/17/10 11:24 PM
pain setting in.

tears here.

i know i just have to go through it.

thanks ellie & nnp

i have seen he's just not that into you
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 12:57 AM
take it easy, just get through the next 10 minutes and then the next. Take back control over your life.

I gotta tell ya that movie really spoke to me. If a man loves a woman he is going to make the effort to do what it takes to win her. I decided I want a relationship with a man who loves me and will show it rather than one where I have to do all the work.

If I can not have a passionate marriage built on respect, trust, and honesty, I would rather be alone.

Hugs TMW, this guy seems like a drug for you... please for your own well being kick the habit!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 11:25 AM
Well right or wrong I had to drop something off at his parent's. Only his dad was home. He asked how things were and I told him that I probably won't see him much anymore because bf made a decision Sunday morning that was the final straw. I told him very very briefly about how things went down. He said that bf needs to grow up - plain and simple.

Last night the tears and pain started. I was watching TV, he came home. Started watching a show on DVR. He got a call from that lying piece of crap and paused the TV, was out on the porch talking. Told the person on the phone he'd be out by august.
When he came in I said something about that, he said I was eavesdropping - I told him, he paused the TV and I was waiting for him and he was right out on the porch talking.
I also made a comment to him about him being able to talk to someone but according to him I'm not supposed to talk to anyone about anything. Not sure if his dad called him or something or if he was making a general reference of me talking to my mom but he said "at least I don't call your mom...". I didn't bother to follow up.
I went upstairs, went in the bedroom around 7:30. He came up to ask if I was hungry, then to say he was leaving and he'd be back. I watched TV.
Not sure when he came back, he slept on the couch.

While he was out, my dad sent me a text letting me know before I read it on facebook that he went to the dr and he has skin cancer.
To "cheer" him up I told him about bf. He said it doesn't make him happy that I'm upset and disappointed.

I probably would have stayed home from work today cause my ulcer/acid reflux is kicked up- I have the time off, ...however I have class today, tomorrow and Thursday.

I don't know if it's like a drug. There has been so much time, effort, energy, emotion put into this relationship that it is disappointing for it to end - in any way.
But I have nothing left to give. There is absolutely nothing else that I can do, alone, to make this work. And you are 100% right - if he loved me and wanted to me with me, he'd make the effort and show it.

We'll see what the future holds I guess.

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 12:09 PM
Originally Posted By: Toomanywords
There has been so much time, effort, energy, emotion put into this relationship that it is disappointing for it to end - in any way.

All by you... NONE by him.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 03:41 PM
exactly and that is the most disappointing fact
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 04:01 PM
wanted to add more than just that brief post.

i can't wait to go home and go to bed already (it's noon. on lunch break. approx 4 hours till i leave work).
weather gloomy. mood gloomy. sorry for gloomy overtone.

don't really want to do anything to "cheer" up right now.

i'm sure it will be so much easier once he's moved out. not at first, but eventually.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 04:12 PM
This is just me talking... but why does he get to call all the shots? Can you tell him when you want him out? Would it be more convenient for you if he were to vacate in 30 days? That seems like plenty of time for him to make other arrangements.

I honestly think you would feel better taking some control of the situation.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 08:28 PM
Well, he's saying by August because a couple weeks back I told him that if things weren't better by August that I wanted him out so I could move on with my life. (more detail, but you get the gist).

Since this all hapenned, I guess he's going by that.

There isn't any reason for over 2 months though.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 09:15 PM
I think 30 days is being VERY generous... didn't you have paperwork to that effect drawn up one time? Can you still use them and just change the dates.

You have been allowing this guy to suck the life out of you for 5 years. Please put a stop to it! Nothing is going to get better... he does not have to put any effort into making things better because you have shown him you are willing to accept his horrible behavior. ...and again I know cuz I have lived it!
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 09:16 PM
If this was a guy your daughter was dating what would be your advice to her?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 10:06 PM
Yeah, I did have an eviction notice. I think I have a blank copy saved somewhere.

My heart and my head are working against each other. I know I can't do this anymore. I know I deserve so much more, so much better. I know he won't change. I know if he truly loved me that he would make the effort and show it. Somehow, someway.

But I can't help but wish. Wish he would change. Wish this, something, anything, would make a difference. Wish that the last 4 1/2 years weren't a waste. Wish I didn't waste all that love, time, energy, emotion, money....
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/18/10 11:29 PM
You've been wishing he would change for four and a half years!

So - you have to ask yourself the hard questions here. What is it ABOUT YOU that you have clung to this unsuitable guy who's really not that into you for 4 1/2 years?

This is the crux of the matter. Is it fear that you can't do any better and that at least he won't leave you (because he needs a mealticket)? Is it that being in a relationship with him, it's easy to focus on his flaws and therefore not have to address the work you need to do in your own life? Is there something familiar about this relationship that echoes a relationship with one of your parents?

I don't know the answers, I just know that when we do stuff like this, we have to look inside. Don't feel bad, I have to do it too - I've recently discovered I have an uncanny tendency to fall for depressed guys, and have to figure out why so I can stop doing it!

Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/19/10 12:05 AM
NNP and Ellie are giving you fantastic advice , making perfect sense, you are so young, you have sooo much life ahead of you!
You will meet a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated! Hes out there! smile
not to mention all you have to offer in your young life

go , go out and enjoy it, live it, your only young once! ( darn it! lol)
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/19/10 01:17 AM
the easy answer i can find in my head and my heart right now is love.

i don't have fear of being alone or not finding someone or anything like that.
i am strong and (usually wink ) smart, i'm told i'm beautiful. i have a good job. i have a house, a car, my dog. i'm financially ok.

i'm sure that people who have been in therapy or therapists themselves will say i have deep resounding issues because of my parents, because of my family's history of divorce, because of my own divorce (ok, that last one I give in and admit. but really, i've talked about it and there is no easy way to fix those wounds that open so easily. the words left such deep and lifethreatening tears)

my easy answer/defense is that i am a hopeless romantic. i've watched too much tv & movies. i can't kill the hope, no matter how much level headed reason i've got to combat it.

i agree with everyone about everything. if this was my friend or my daughter (hypothetical) i would want them to get out, run as fast as they could in the opposite direction.
but honestly, the advice that would come out of my mouth would be to follow their heart. make their decision for themselves.

my heart is in the process of breaking, but not giving in.
hell - nothing to give in to. it's not like he's fighting or begging to stay. and that speaks louder than an opera singer with a megaphone.
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/19/10 01:30 AM
"my easy answer/defense is that i am a hopeless romantic"

Really? Why wouldn't a hopeless romantic hold out for a guy who behaves in a romantic way towards her???

I'm not buying it. You'll have to dig a little deeper my dear.

The wounds from your marriage are not even close to healed. Maybe this relationship was a substitute for the previous one, in that if you could get THIS guy to love you, it would be sorta like the equivalent of winning back your ex?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/19/10 02:01 AM
i definately know that bf was not a substitute for xh. not even in the same league. almost different plants. lol

hopeless romantic in the sense that the stupid part of me wants to hold out for that life changing, A-HA, moment when he blasts the opera, runs up the fire-escape and loves me (in case anyone doesn't follow my crazy thoughts ... Richard Gere, end of Pretty woman) or buys a $1000 plane ticket to get on the last seat of the plane i'm on to stop me from leaving without him. (Ross sort of tried that with Rachel on Friends)
You get the picture. Like I said - too much tv & movies.
plus lack of sleep

thanks everyone. you don't know how much you help and support me and often help me through the day. even if i don't visit all of your posts - i think about you all and i wish you all the best in your lives, no matter what is going on. i wish you all happiness.

"So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now."
-carrie underwood starts with goodbye
(yeah, i know, i shouldn't listen to music)
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/19/10 06:01 AM
At least, not COUNTRY music. Try some Ramones!
Posted By: old theotherhalf Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/19/10 11:44 AM
"So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now."
-carrie underwood starts with goodbye

Good tune and boy don't we know it??? smile
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/20/10 03:54 PM
Talked last night - not what you may be thinking though.
Talked about what furniture he'll take.

I fell asleep on couch, then went to bed. He came up a little later. I was more than 1/2 asleep and I asked if it was weird to share a bed since we are broke up and he said no (?!?!!?!)

I don't know or understand whatever is going on. Nothing from him - not saying he wants to stay, that he loves me, wants to work it out, etc. NOTHING. Just weird. But like I mentioned, not surprising because in the past when it has come to this sort of point I was the one going to him, talking to him, pulling information out of him. The only time it was different was in February, when he spent the 1 night at Jesse's and then had the flowers and card.

It perplexes me, but in a way it makes it a little easier since it's not a fight of him begging and pleading and me trying to resist. Because honestly, if he initiated a conversation and said anything to the effect and sincerity that he loved me and wanted to work on things, etc AND followed through - I would probably agree to it.

I do love him plus there is this huge investment of time, energy, etc.

I know that that kills some of those reading this - but that is how I feel.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/20/10 04:18 PM
...so basically he can come and go as he pleases and treat you like crap right up until the time he is supposed to be out and then if he does not have something better lined up he can throw you a couple of crumbs and get to stay and treat you like crap some more.

Really TMW? Do you not know how much more you are worth?

Is it weird for you to sleep in the same bed with him? Why would you want him there????
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/21/10 02:01 PM
This all just sucks. Plain and simple. And here is the most plain, pure statement I can make:
I love him, I don't want him to leave and I want to work things out.

Of course there are a great many details into what would go into that (love (appreciation, respect), setting goals and priorities).
Along with that, I know I cannot do all the work and I will not allow things to be how they have been.
I have no idea what is going to happen. The line in the sand has been drawn so to speak. I've been going through this entirely too long.

So far, things have been quiet, calm, cordial. Talked about furniture and lawn equipment.

What I know for sure is that this week has not been good. Not much sleeping, not much eating. I've had a few breakdowns, but away from him in one way or another (another part of the house, while he was out or at work).
I am very much breaking bad habits - I'm not going to him, trying to talk and pull information out of him. Especially not pulling just what I want to hear out of him. Controlling outbursts of words and or emotion.
Right now I want things to change and work out with us - but if they don't, I'm ready for that too.

I don't know, I feel like I'm just babbling and rambling - sorry if I am. Thanks for reading.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/23/10 08:14 PM
I hope you're feeling better by now, TMW.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/26/10 11:53 AM
asking for some prayers - for guidance, strength. for he and i to both find our ways, whether that be together or apart.

big fight over the weekend. don't want to get into detail. he doesn't know what he wants, believes i'm controlling and things will never change; not sure if he wants to work on it.

to me, the 30 day notice last week stands.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/26/10 12:04 PM
...all things my H says to me. Imagine yourself in this EXACT position 20 years from now with two kids.

TMW... please save yourself!
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/26/10 05:26 PM

Things WILL never change. Not for the better. You know this!

Giving him until August just gives you 3 more months to change your mind. It is YOUR place, not his. He is unreliable, untrustworthy and he is cheating on you. This is a guy you show the DOOR!

I know this is harsh but you need to get your backbone together. Stop praying for a miracle. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. Stop being a doormat.

In this instance there should be only one way out - EXIT!!!

Make no attempt to prove me wrong. You are only cheating yourself.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 05/26/10 11:45 PM
was just asking for some prayers to help us find our ways - not asking for prayers to make this work or anything. geesh.
not even praying for a miracle, not expecting anything.

i hope. i love. i can't stop that. but i can take action to stop being used.

and he doesn't have till august, he has till middle of june, 22 days actually. he has till then to wake up, open his eyes to see the amazing person that i am standing in front of him trying to love him and make this work. if he can't appreciate it and put forth true effort - there is the door.

i am not saying anything else to him about anything. i know i've said it before - but i am truly resolved and i have prayed very hard and i continue to pray and i have asked some close friends and family for prayer to give me the strength and guidance to find my way and for him to find his. whatever happens, i'm ready for the next step. either moving forward, living alone or having a partner who loves, appreciates and respects me and this relationship.

with that, i'm offline for a while. thanks.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/15/10 03:14 AM
you've all been right for so long. i've been so stupid to keep holding on. i'm an idiot, a big fat moron.

yeah - i'm feeling really really down.

today is my birthday. he took off friday. went away for the weekend. came back with a flower to plant in the front yard, a tshirt and card he bought on the way home (spent less on that than he did going out friday- i know the thought is supposed to count, but....)
today a text, but that was it. came home over 3 hours later (he was at work, just not working - hanging out with brother & friend (i drove past on way to get milk). came home & didn't say anything.

even a roommate would do more for their roommate's birthday. hell, even my XH's family wished me happy bday. i got texts & facebook messages all day.

i'm so hurt, so disappointed, so angry and frustrated and a million other dark, sad, miserable, worthless thoughts (i know i'm not worthless, just the feeling). the lack of respect, appreciation....anything. lack of love - you don't treat someone you love like this, you celebrate their arrival in the world, you make them feel like the center of your universe. you make them aware how much you appreciate the fact that they were born and they are apart of your life.
you don't make other plans, buy something as an afterthought, blow them off.....

the notice i gave him almost 30 days ago was verbal and if he doesn't leave, i have to get a written - i have a call into a lawyer and i talked to a police officer. i deleted him and his family from facebook. i also deleted their numbers from my phone.
i wish there was a live chat feature here
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/15/10 02:29 PM

Happy Birthday. I'm sorry that it sucked from him (I will not call him BF as he is NOT that). Hope it was good from the other people you love.


Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/15/10 09:29 PM
this was probably my worst bday

saturday went to lunch with my mom and HIS mom - which wasn't bad. my mom gave me a gift card & scrapbook paper

dad came over sunday and gave me a couple things.

tons of facebook messages (but that is due much to the fact that facebook reminds your friends when it's your bday). got some texts.
no party, nothing planned. felt awful. i've always gone out of my way to make people special in my life, feel outstanding on their bday. got mom surprise flamingos in her yard, flower delivery. got dad unique collectible he hasn't seen in years. planned surprise party for (x)bf.
i've planned parties, gone for broke, baked, ordered, surprised, driven for 2+hours for a special gift.....the list could go on. it's not that i expect everyone to be like that, or even all of the time. maybe i'm just being selfish, who knows. i don't know what to think. i just thought that if he cared at all that he would have done or said SOMETHING...anything.

found out, at least where i live, have to give him written 3 day notice. if he's not out, then i file with courts ($150), 3 weeks hearing and then they will give him 7 days to get out. i can't change locks, i can't put possessions outside - if i want to do things the legal, proper way.

i never thought i could be so let down by 1 person, especially after what i went through with XH
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/15/10 10:51 PM
TMW... first off Happy Belated Birthday.

You keep saying "if he cared"... he has proven to you over and over that he does not. Maybe he is not capable of it... either way, is this how you want to be treated the rest of your life?

So.... (you know this question is coming) Did you give him 3 day written notice, does the count down start today? If so, maybe he will do the right thing and be gone by the weekend...

you're in my prayers.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/15/10 11:21 PM
I came back to edit, but it's too late. I should not have said he does not care... What I should do is ask you... TMW do his actions say "I care" to you?

You are really the only one who can answer that question, none of us know you or him.

Let me ask you again... don't answer quickly... take some time and really think about it:

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/15/10 11:35 PM
no, his actions have shown not only that he doesn't care, he doesn't love me, he doesn't give a damn.

i no longer care if he is experiencing some sort of depression or some incapcity to show emotion or anything else.

i know he has shown this time and time and time again - but the way he acted over the weekend & yesterday for my bday, that is what completely set me over the edge.

the 3 day notice is posted. today does't count.
if he doesn't leave, then friday i'll be at the court house filing the eviction and getting a hearing date within 3 weeks.

i want him out, i want him gone. i want to cut all contact to him. i do not want to be friends or anything else. i'm finally done. 100%.
and i know the care that i feel for him will fade with time, especially after he moves out.

and i know it's fading because last night, i could have looked at his cell phone (he slept on couch and it was on coffee table) - but i didn't have the desire to.
when he left tonight, i know one of 3 or 4 places he is - i have no desire to call, to follow, to track him down. i just can't and won't do any of it anymore. no more talking, writing to him, etc.

tonight my mom, trying to helpful, said maybe he and i just need a good shouting match to get it all out. i told her, i'm too hoarse to shout (figuratively) and i'm sick of being a broken record.

*hope all is well with you nnp
Posted By: Iwondertooo Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/16/10 12:08 AM
tmw, I have to share this one thing. I almost forgot about it all, so long ago. I was with a predator for two years. On my birthday I kept waiting for a big surprise. Guess what, it did not happen. Stay strong and get out. Wonder
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/16/10 03:29 AM

You have reached a state of "Indifference" with him. It means that you have finally gone numb. He has sucked the life right out of you. Like you, I do as much as I can for many many people. I do not always get the same back. And sometimes it hurts. A LOT! But it comes down to expectations. Sometimes I get it - sometimes I don't. But repeated disappointment leads to a total lack of hope. With him - all hope is gone.

I can't begin to understand anyone who would not leave when told to leave. It is YOUR home, not his - he was just there out of convenience to him. But what kind of man would actually have to be evicted when the R is over??? Well - I think you know.

Finally you will be free to figure out what TMW really wants, really needs in a new R. Don't settle. Don't sell yourself short. Set your goals high. Much much higher this time.

Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/16/10 04:22 AM
Barb is so right

Take it from us old broads wink
there are men out there who will love you and treat you like deserve! I promise you that!
I knew when my ex started to change, he went from making my birthday, mothers day ect, special to not really giving a hoot, and its not about the gifts, its about them wanting to make you feel special on a special day, heck a good guy will make you feel special pretty much every day

You can do this , your young and have tons going for you
Please believe in yourself!
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/17/10 03:49 PM
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/18/10 01:56 PM
In talking with friends/family, the conclusion many of them have drawn as to why he hasn't or won't leave is that he loves me and wants to work things out but doesn't know how to verbalize that or take action to do that.

Well, I can't wait the rest of my life for him to find a way or words to use to express what he wants, feels, thinks, needs, etc.

Yes - I love him. I would have been willing to work on things, if he was willing to work on things also. Otherwise, ready for it to be over. His words and actions have shown he isn't willing to work on anything and if that is incorrect, it was up to him to prove otherwise. I'm tired of all the BS.

In a recent discussion (I won't even say argument because I was completely calm and rational), I told him I just want to get past this one way or another. All of his answers were "i don't know" and he asked why I keep going back to the same questions - asking what he wants, thinks, feels. I told him that those are the basics of communication - talking about what you want, think and feel about any given person or situation. He tried to say that he didn't know the answers to any of those questions in relation to our relationship - and he wanted to move on from there. But I told him - move on in what way? Together (how? cause things certainly cannot be how they were, because even he admitted that it was "not a very good" relationship) or apart (when moving out?)
No answers, no solution.

I'm just tired.

If no action/solutions, eviction filing Monday
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/18/10 11:28 PM
"In talking with friends/family, the conclusion many of them have drawn as to why he hasn't or won't leave is that he loves me and wants to work things out but doesn't know how to verbalize that or take action to do that. "

This is the stupidest f-ing thing I ever heard. Note to self: DON'T rely on your friends and family for advice, they're idiots!

If this is how he felt, he would have DONE something for your birthday. He hasn't left yet because he's got no money and no place to go and he's completely incapable of forming any kind of plan for his life.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/19/10 01:39 AM
lmfao, no kidding

no argument or defense here

i think as a general rule #1 my friends and family want me to be happy and they know i love him and want things to work #2 i think people want to believe the best in people and they want to believe in love
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/23/10 10:53 AM
How is it going, TMW? Did you have to go to the courthouse to file? Please don't stop posting...
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/23/10 02:15 PM
IO just read Ellie's (KML) post. I thought exactly the same thing when I read what family & friends say. BIggest load of crap I've ever heard. Glad you posted it Ellie. I was afraid to. Also glad TMW agrees.

Now - I hope he is OUT ON THE STREET. Don't worry - his new girlfriend will take him in. Guys like this always seem to find someone to sponge off of. Like my ex brother in law. 3 kids. Never pays support. Never sees them or calls them. Never works. Always manages to find a girl who will take him in (and he is NO prize). Always manages to have Internet so he can stalk new prospective victims. What a guy!

Posted By: newmama Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/23/10 03:45 PM
Hi, TMW!

I know you don't know me but I saw your thread and was curious so I read it all.

Just wanted to say that I understand how it is hard to break off a relationship with someone you love and have been with for so long, even if it is unhealthy. It looks like you are trying to end it, right?

Now don't think of this time as wasted...you weren't really ready to get married and have kids so soon after your divorce, right? It just really looks like this was a relationship you had to help you heal from your divorce, like a "blankie" or some other comfort. And even the crappy relationships help us learn what we "don't want."

Hey, imagine if you had married this guy- instead of breaking up, it would be another divorce! Aren't you so glad you didn't marry him? Imagine if you had kids with him--then you would have to see him forever! (I love my stbxh but it is so painful every time I have to see him when exchanging my S, let alone having to give him my S!)

For what it's worth, I believe you will be able to break up with him...it looks like a journey of one step forward, 2 steps back, and now 1 step forward, 1 step back...
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 06/24/10 02:06 AM
NewMama: You have great insight here and I really agree with your comment about if she had married him - she'd be getting divorced. Right on!

Your advice is spot on!

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/01/10 02:15 PM
How's it going?
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/14/10 05:16 PM
Well TMW - what is the latest? Did he move out? How are you coping? Have things improved? Gotten worse?

Update please.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/25/10 05:48 AM
he didn't move out after my last post or after the next incident or the next

but tonight he is packing and moving

can't write much more than that

i'm sure many of you are having a party over this. congrats. you were right.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/25/10 10:07 AM
Originally Posted By: Toomanywords
i'm sure many of you are having a party over this. congrats. you were right.

TMW you know that is not how it is. Many of us care about you and want to see you in a healthy relationship with someone who will return all the love you have to give and treat you the way all of us should be treated.

hugs you are in my prayers.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/25/10 03:36 PM
sorry just upset
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/25/10 05:39 PM
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/25/10 08:21 PM
TMW: I am sorry for your pain. In fact - for all that he put you through for all those years. Not one of us here could ever party for him moving out. It is not that kind of thing. But we ARE here to say "good for you".

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I guarantee - you will be surprised how much better things will be after a bit of time has passed.

Hugs to you,

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 11:04 AM
I know things haven't been good, something had to change - deep down, I wanted him to wake up and want to put in the effort. I didn't think he'd start packing and actually say he'd rather be single.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 01:44 PM
TMW: He was not happy either. It had to be obvious that you had higher expectations for him. And he knew he could not be that person for you. Not to excuse anything he did but he was who he was. And he made no effort to change.

Take some time to heal. Then decide what you want/need in a new relationship. And don't settle for less as you did with him. He was never the man you had married and I'm sure you compared him to the ex.

In short time I'm sure you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders. That relationship took way too much energy.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 01:58 PM
thanks sun.
he said something along those lines.

who knows what the future holds. maybe a new relationship with him, with someone else. i don't care right now. i'm in a very down dark place.
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 05:48 PM
Honey - no new relationship with him!!!!!! If he was CAPABLE of turning into the guy you wanted him to be, he would have done so by now. You are missing your FANTASY of who you thought he COULD be, but you won't miss the reality of who he IS.

You deserve BETTER - a nice functional guy with a work ethic and who thinks the sun rises and sets on you. Don't settle for less. And use the free time that you used to spend worrying about him, to make yourself into the kind of person who will attract those great guys.

And get out a piece of posterboard, cut out some pictures of what you want to attract into your life, put it up in your kitchen. Time to dream BIG and happy smile


(P.S. YOu know, of course, that you are not so much feeling down about HIM, but down because he was your buffer against the feelings of rejection from your H? Don't confuse the two, and work through the stuff that needs to be worked through.)
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 08:24 PM
YES! Ellie got it absolutely right! You focussed on what you wanted him to be, you were not honest with yourself about what he really was! He WAS your Rebound guy and you held onto him way too tight for way too long. Don't consider for one second that he is going to become the right guy for you and that he will change. He is not capable of it. CUT YOUR LOSSES>

You are so beautiful and so young. You could have anyone you wanted - believe in yourself. Don't sell yourself short. Please grieve your loss but then bury it.

Time to look forward. Time to stop hurting.

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 08:26 PM
Listen to barb and Ellie... it is time to do the work you have been putting off. Please don't wait until you are in your 40's like I did.
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 09:52 PM
((( TMW )))

Great advice from everyone and so true, we've seen it play out before , in our own lives
My fav quote: ~~Everything happens for a reason, just believe~, have the plaque, didnt quite " get it" until I met who I met and now realize how very very true it is, and it will be for you too, it will!

You have so much going on for you I dont think you realize it all yet , it will start to shine thru now , you just watch
Your young and smart and beautiful and caring and have tons of love to give someone deserving..

Take care of yourself , pamper yourself for a while then go grab life by the ...... whatever lol
Posted By: HappyToday Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/26/10 11:59 PM
he didn't move out after my last post or after the next incident or the next

but tonight he is packing and moving

can't write much more than that

i'm sure many of you are having a party over this. congrats. you were right.

TMW - I know you're down. There is nobody here having a party. We love you. I know how much faith you put in him. Listen, we all have put faith in another human being and expected them to react differently than they actually did. You are no different than the rest of us. I wish you the best in life. I wish you peace - which you have not had in a long time. I wish you happiness. You will have that if you let yourself have that.
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/27/10 12:04 AM
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/27/10 12:08 AM
i've been described as having this huge heart and that is why i put up with what i did and why i feel the way i do and why i don't want to give up.

i'm not begging him to stay. i've basically gone dark. just so much time, emotion, energy...everything put into this. i knew him, dating him before XH. i only have 1 other friend who has been in my life longer. the ball is in his court, it's been in his court. up to him if he would want to try to change and work on things and build a different future.

*please don't yell and jump on me for that. i'm just writing, off the top of my head/heart.

i know in my head that i deserve better. that i shouldn't have put up with the way things have been for a very long time. but i love him.
there is literally nothing left i can do or say. i've poured everybit of my heart & soul out to him.

he seems confused - words and actions not matching. i don't know. i don't know anything right now-just reminding myself to breath in and out is focus enough.

oh - and i did talk to a counselor. she said i'm too hard on myself. figures.
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/27/10 01:15 AM
"i know in my head that i deserve better. that i shouldn't have put up with the way things have been for a very long time. but i love him. "

Honey, I'm not trying to beat up on you here, but can you hear yourself? "But I loooove him". WE women can be so stupid!

No - you're attached, you've got those bonding hormones going, you like the smell of his pheromones. And none of that is reason enough to put up with him. He's a loser and the rest of us have been telling you that almost from day one. You're just too close to see it.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 12:10 PM
won't write much

isn't easy. trying to figure things out, figure out what's best. i'm doing a lot of exploring and thinking.

nothing about this easy.

just don't know.

i haven't posted cause i know that isn't what any of you want to hear - but it's the truth and it's what is going on.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 12:29 PM
stop worrying about what we might or might not want to hear. We are here for you, TMW. Each and every one of us knows exactly how NOT easy this is.

We all want what is best for you. You deserve a healthy loving two way relationship, can you have it with this guy?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 02:03 PM
Thank you smile
The counselor I talked to said I put too much pressure on myself, and it's all from me. My parents don't and never have pressured me to do well, exceed, etc-they just love me for me, which is great. It's all about self motivation. I guess that's part of why I am the way I am with the relationship - I don't want to give up and have a failed relationship. But I know I've done MORE than enough, more than most anyone would. I know if/when this ends, I've done everything I possibly could to make it work.

But I know I can't keep going the way things have been. I know I can't do all the work and being treated like crap.
IF he and I are going to have a future - he needs to step up and he needs to do it NOW.
He complains cause I have been so focused on the relationship and especially in the past 6 months or so I've talked about it so much - last night I told him maybe I would back down if he stepped up. ( smile )
Last night I also told him if this is a game, if he isn't planning on doing any work & if he is planning to leave - then just leave. I also told him that I'm really struggling whether or not to keep going, to put any more effort in.

we'll see. i'm in the middle of the storm. thanks for being here for me and understanding.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 02:05 PM
are you going to continue seeing a counselor?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 02:56 PM
i might, it's something else i've been thinking about heavily. i haven't done much looking. i wonder if there is free couples counseling, if he would be willing - if he's serious about working on things.

the person i talked to - i told them upfront the mini version of my history and that i didn't want to spend 6 months talking about my childhood and my parents.
Just the insight about how hard I am on myself was interesting - I never really thought about it or realized it before.

With the current situation - if we're going to try - it would be more useful if we went together.

whoooooo knows. can i just fastforward a couple months and be past this one way or another ? smile
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 03:21 PM
can I ask a question? ok I will anyway...

what will be different in a couple of months that has not been different in the last 5 years?
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 04:02 PM
Can I also ask a question?

"Why are you leaving the door open when clearly it was shut by him?"

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 04:18 PM
nnp - well, that is why there has to be a change NOW.
Seeing his stuff outside was apparently the wake up call that let him know how serious and at the end I am/was.
i don't want to spend more days, weeks, months or years putting an ounce more energy into a deadend relationship (he needs to convince me that this isn't because it is looking that way). There is potential somewhere deep down within him - and he needs to pull it out of his a$$ just about yesterday.

I can assure everyone here of this - I'm not going back, acting like everything is fine, going back to old ways. No. Hell no. No way in hell. There is a lot on him right now and if he doesn't start climbing the ladder quickly, he's going to backing up that moving truck even faster.

Barb(sun) - he didn't really shut the door. i put his stuff out (with the deep down thought/intention of an ultimatum). he moved stuff out of the attic into other areas of the house, but didn't actually leave and when probed (i just used that word for a laugh, but really) - that's when he said he wanted to stay....

so, like i said, who knows, in the midst of this storm. don't know what is going to be left after it's over. but storms don't last forever, they start clearing......
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 07/29/10 10:25 PM
IF he wanted to change and step up to the plate, he would have DONE that by now!!!!!!!!!!! He just doesn't have anyplace else to go.

Let me ask you this - how much is he paying you in rent?

Look, the key to a situation like this is to PUT DOWN IN WRITING, somewhere that you can pull it out and look at it, exactly what the RIGHT guy would be doing in this situation? The RIGHT guy would be finding a relationship counselor himself. The RIGHT guy would be paying his share of expenses, even if he had to work two jobs to do it. The RIGHT guy would be fixing up your house. The RIGHT guy would leave when ypu asked him to - then woo you again.

HE IS NOT THE RIGHT GUY! And no amount of wishing and hoping and thinking he has "potential" is gonna make him so.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/01/10 01:02 PM
you're in my thoughts TMW
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/02/10 02:52 PM
I saw this on facebook today. It most certainly applies to me and you too, TMW.

He lied to you a thousand times.
He hurt you twice as much as that
& you're gonna tell me you still love him?
For what, breaking your heart?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/10/10 12:03 PM
I guess I'll update.
Nothing you want to hear. He's still there. Said he wants to work on things, etc. Last week I tried - I sent texts saying hello. I made dinner all but 1 night - he made dinner. When he came home I asked about his day.
He text me a couple of times telling me he'd be late through the week.
Friday argument cause he was out chatting it up with the neighbors, after we went and rented a movie.
Saturday our parents came over to help with some stuff around the house/yard. Later he went over by the neighbors, our parents left, he stayed out with the neighbors till 2am. When he came in we argued a bit.
Sunday nothing, except he got upset cause I wouldn't have relations - I told him - not when there is no affection, no talking, etc. I will not feel used!

Yesterday I was talking to the woman I came out of 29 years ago - she tells me that she thinks I should see a specialist or something about a chemical imbalance because I look like I'm retaining water like a pregnant (my toes, fingers are not swollen. I have not gained any more weight, I also haven't lost any). (She knows I've already talked to my dr, they've checked my thyroid, checked for diabetes, etc). Also she mentions that I might be depressed and that BF called her and says I have no energy and such.
(she knows everything going on, she knows I've talked to a counselor who concured that with the situation, it's understandable to be down but I don't seem to be clinically depressed.)

I'm debating what, if any, response to give. last night BF confirmed he did in fact initiate the call to the woman whom I came out of. When I asked why he couldn't talk to me about these concerns, he gave the lame excuse that he didn't want to make me more upset.

I've had a gamet of thoughts. Everything from calling the woman who gave birth to him and telling her to move him out. Calling my father and letting him get into an uproar about this. I've even considered committing myself - just to prove a point.

I don't know. I just needed to vent somewhere. I'm hurt, frustrated, angry.
I'm upset that instead of sticking up for me - telling him that I put all my energy into this stupid, deadend, useless relationship; that if he talked to me, made effort in the relationship, appreciated me and actually loved me and showed it ... I wouldn't be depressed about the situation I've been in....instead of any of that - she agreed that I'm fat & depressed.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/10/10 12:55 PM
There is nothing that any of us can say anymore. You have been doing this same dance for over 5 years now. It is easy to end a relationship like this but for some unknown reason you refuse to let it die. It will not ever get better. Stop looking for hints of a spark there and kick the bugger out!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You are your own worst enemy. If you want to have any kind of happy life - you have to change things NOW!

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/10/10 01:05 PM
I just want to disappear right now. I'm sick of dealing with this, with all of this.
I'm angry and I want to get revenge and hurt him/them; I want to play the game (ie call my mom or his mom at that and tell them to tell him to move out). and a the same time I want to ignore them all.

I want to fast forward past all this crap
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/10/10 03:15 PM
just got some really really good advice i want to share.

When you are alone go into a closet where its quiet and you can concentrate. Take some time out for yourself. Spend some time talking to God from your heart. Stop, listen and wait for him to lead you. Dont focus on him or your Mom.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/25/10 04:32 PM
Well, as the saying goes - seek and ye shall find.

I found the nail for that coffin......in June, the month of my birthday, 432 texts to/from his exgirlfriend.

Yeah, talk about writing on the wall or whatever pun you want to insert here.

Like someone said - everyone has their own breaking point....
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/25/10 04:41 PM
Hugs TMW, so now what is the plan?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/25/10 05:27 PM
first get his a$$ out
second scream, cry, get all that out
third ?

still processing, just found this info couple hours ago through my horrible snooping habit. my gut told me to look for a reason.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/25/10 07:34 PM
Oh, so sorry.....I remember that feeling. Let your anger give you the strength you need right now, and keep coming here to vent when you need to.

Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/25/10 09:22 PM
So he has continued to play you. This is not some small öh I made a mistake"- this is total disrespect and crap. And him trying to act like he was worried about you being depressed. This guy is a monster. There should be nothing to think about. Just ACTION!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/25/10 09:27 PM
If you want any input about coming up with an action plan, please ask.

The first thing I did after I found the truth after buying the BS for almost a year:
*tossed most of his stuff into garbage bags and put it to the curb (we had already decided on a "trial sep" and he had someplace to go)
*went to the courthouse to file for a legal sep - it freezes the financial accounts at that time, so no one can screw around with taking money out, transferring funds, running up credit card debt, etc.
Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/26/10 06:02 AM
Find out what the legalities are in your state for evicting someone, and serve him with an eviction notice ASAP. In my state, you can give them a three-day notice to quit, but I believe the sheriffs won't come until 30 more days, so you want to get the ball rolling.

I hate to say this, but I'm glad you found the texts. This guy has been playing you for so long, and all of us could see it except you. I'm glad you have something solid now to hold onto, proof that it wasn't your imagination. LET HIM GO! YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER!!!

Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/26/10 06:05 AM
If he co-owns the house, he can't be evicted...you would have to contact an atty for other options. I don't think you can even legally toss him out and change the locks. But there can be temporary orders granted by the court....
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/26/10 09:59 AM
he does not co-own the house Donna... he has just been living off TMW for the last several years. If I remember correctly.

TMW I know you are hurting, but the real pain is not coming from this loser. It's time to figure things out for yourself. You are a wonderful young woman and you deserve so much better.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/26/10 10:05 AM
Just saw this on Donna's thread and it is words to live by for me, I hope you will see something too.

There is a certain amount of looking at what this other person DID but the important thing is not to see it as what they DID, but what you ALLOWED. This work is about YOU getting well, not what the other person did.
At some point you need to stop dwelling on what was done TO YOU and understand that you need to figure out what it is in you that put you in that position to be treated that way. What is it? Find out and fix it. Stop dwelling on them and what they did.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/26/10 11:39 AM
Excellent advice from everyone. Just hope TMW will listen this time. This has to be rock bottom. No way out but UP!!!

Donna - this guy is TMW's boyfriend. Not her husband. She came here because of a failed marriage like the rest of us but somehow ended up with this loser who gives NOTHING but has taken every last ounce of her dignity away. This has been going on for 5 years. I stand corrected - this guy is NOT TMW's boyfriend - he is the boyfriend of the girl who got all the text messages. He uses TMW because she won't throw him out.

How many more excuses to end this?

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/29/10 12:01 AM
thank you sun for clearing that

he just left with a load of stuff in his truck

my head says it's time, i've done more than enough, this was just the latest in a string of events - when there shouldn't have been a a string let alone an event.
my heart can't just turn off, that is the part that is hurting.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/29/10 12:26 PM
Unfortunately TMW, you have to go through the pain to get to the other side. You have to experience the hurt and boy - he has really hurt you. We all know this pain. It is awful. But you are wise to keep going to your C to find out why you let him do this to you repeatedly. And experienced this heart wrenching pain over and over. Surely you lost feeling for him each time he did this. Surely you knew it was time long, long ago. But if you don't get to the bottom of this and really grieve your loss and move past it - you might be inclined to let him come back again when the new girl finally figures out she has a loser on her hands and kicks him out. He will try to come back to you. Your C should help you prepare for this event.

I am blunt for a reason. Not because I don't care - because I hope it is my words that will get through to you and that you will remember. If I didn't care - I would not write.

I'm sorry for your pain. I truly hope you can move to a better place (in your heart) soon.

Posted By: kml Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/29/10 02:59 PM

The REAL love of your life is out there waiting for you, and the sooner you let go of this loser, the sooner you will find him!

There are too many fish in the sea, and you are worth SOOOOOOO much more than this!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/04/10 03:41 AM
He's moving the last of his stuff, not sure if it will be all done tonight or not.
At least I know I have done, said, written, emailed, text, etc everything I could have possibly done to try and make it work.
Despite everything, I honestly never thought I'd really be watching him move everything out.

Things are not good. That "friend" from several months back posted messages on Facebook about me/him/us. We faught about that. He is/was going to go away this weekend with another friend.

Many people are starting to truely think there may be some sort of drug use or SOMETHING. There was an obvious change in his behavior and attitude about a year ago and things have spiraled since then.

I'm to the dark place. I haven't been emotional with him. Monotone.
I just can't do it anymore.

I know many of you are very happy about this and my brain understands why.
I just have to say I have no idea what is going to happen in an hour, a day, a week, etc.
Maybe someday he'll realize the great thing he is walking away from and taking the easy way out from and he'll finally wake up, grow up and if or when that miracle would ever happen - maybe he'll try to come back.

But by then, I may just be over it, over him and I won't want to. Who knows. That's all I'm saying.

Thank you everyone for your advice, understanding and support through everything.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/04/10 02:34 PM
TMW: Good for you for getting rid of him. Good for you for posting here despite the way you know everyone feels.

No one expects you to recover over night. You will have feelings to deal with for a long time. But grieve - get it all out. Go to your C and talk about it some more and see if you can get past the self esteem issues that allowed you to keep him despite the way he treated you.

And you only have to live through one day at a time right now. But let yourself heal. That way you will be ready for the right person to come into your life. And they will! Because you are beautiful and intelligent, young and capable of loving them and being loved in return in the way you deserve from a mature, intelligent, respectable man. This is all that anyone wished for you.

Hang in there!

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/04/10 11:42 PM
Thank you.

I just keep repeating myself. I know, in my head, I did everything I could (say, write, text, email, etc). This wasn't me necessarily kicking him out, getting rid of him. It was his choice.
I told him either you are going to stay and you want this relationship to be the priority and we're going to work on it
You don't, we're over...you leave.

I told him (still monotone, no emotion) when he mentioned he didn't think i'd give him such a short time to get out - i told him, this was your choice not to work on it. i told him he is a coward and a quitter.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/05/10 12:40 AM
Bravo TMW!!!!!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/06/10 10:44 AM
my mom's dog passed away. my dog brother.

i know people say god doesn't give you more than you can handle

how much hurt can a heart take...in a weekend, in a week, in a month, in a year, in a decade...in a lifetime
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/06/10 04:46 PM
So sorry to hear of the loss of your dog. I remember when I was a little younger than you - I said the same thing. Went to my C and took a stress test. Scored the highest anyone had ever scored for most things in one year. Child suffered irreversible brain damage, was in a coma for weeks, in hospital most of the year. Grandmother died. Had to move house. Husband lost job. And there was more. Much more.

Please keep it in perspective. When I felt as you do - I always found someone who had it worse than me. And sometimes it was hard to do but I did. This is not the end of the world so don't make it that way.

I recovered from all that happened in 1984 and moved on. Then my husband suddenly ran off with a married co-worker. And my Mother got cancer and died within 3 months. My divorce was final that same week. But I grieved it all and moved on.

My friends call me "Positive Barb" because I make lemonade from the lemons. And you can too!

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/06/10 08:09 PM
well, it was my mom's dog - if it was my dog i'd probably be in the hospital or something since he is my baby.

i can't imagine going through everything you did in such a short time, i'm so sorry. glad to hear you came through it with such a great attitude
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/09/10 12:21 PM
mom dumbbutt person she married already got a new dog!

last night xbf was supposed to come and get the last few items - including caged animals/reptiles. didn't hear anything. at 8 - sent text. nothing. at 9 i sent a picture of the yuckiness in reptile cage, he called. he doesn't have room to take stuff, but he came over to clean the cage. took a couple of small boxes. signed the paper to get name off alarm account. took bike. mentioned he has stuff at work, in the truck, at various friend's houses.

i got down after he left for about 15 minutes just thinking - how/why is it so much better to not have a home and to have your stuff in various places than to try to work things out.

better now i guess.

something to look forward to: next weekend i am in sort of a cooking contest at a resort! if i win i get a night stay and waterpark passes and dinner for 4.
also planning on going up to one of the islands (ohio) for a wine tasting at the begining of october.
thinking about going to see a movie or 2 or 3 lol
i'm working on projects around the house. trying to keep busy.

thanks for reading
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/17/10 01:15 PM
I think I have a working title of a book, if I ever write one....."Why do men leave their SHOES"

he stopped on Saturday - was going to feed snakes before moving them (snakes usually don't eat for a while after being moved). but 1 snake was going to shed (snakes don't eat when they are about to shed - very fickle creatures), so he wanted to wait. He took some of the other misc items. All that remains now is snakes, mice, lamp, roller stool, a couple of wall hangings, a few things in the freezer and last night I noticed SHOES.

Those who may have been around 5 years ago when I was going through the D with my XH, you may remember my XH left HIS shoes. WTF
I don't know if this is just laziness, forgetfulness or a lame poor pittful excuse for continued contact.

IF it is the latter - grow a pair, find your voice and use your words. Otherwise take it before I dump it in the trash! smile

This weekend is cooking thing. Butterflies in the tummy are flying.

Can't go to wine tasting cause of a surprise 30th bday party for a friend. Darn.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/17/10 02:17 PM
You sound better. I am petrified of snakes. Can't imagine having them in my house. HORRORS!

I believe you have to get ANGRY in order to let go. That is how it was with me. Part of the grieving process.

Today was the first big step I saw with you in officially getting this loser out of your system. Good for you for having a busy social life. You are opening up your life to possibilities.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/20/10 02:16 PM
I have up and down days.
Got down this weekend after being up...

went to cooking event - didn't win, but could have more news to come (they might want to put my dish on the menu permanently where the winners only got it for a month) Had lots of fun.

Came home & neighbor's kid took my mail out of my mailbox. Supposedly the mom found out and punished him and he put the mail on my front steps - but I went out, got a locking mailbox & filed a complaint with the post office. Now I'm worried - what other mail am I missing if any, any packages....

I am very much in an ANGRY state. Angry about a lot of things. Being left to care for mice & snakes; left with the neighbors to deal with alone; left with the house we picked out; angry with him and myself for all the stuff i was put through; angry people think i simply kicked him out when ultimately this was his choice;

I do have to laugh cause all the "friends" that were more important than me - where are they now? 1 doesn't want to get involved. The one we had problems with, said no to him staying there. Not sure about the 2 other "close/immediate" "friends".

I'm angry and confused - how or why is living like this so much better than trying to be open & honest & work things out.
why hasn't he replied about his stuff. Supposedly, according to his mom, according to his brother - he was going to come over Friday, but his brother told him I wouldn't be home.
Well - why the heck didn't he reply via text/call to me.
Why the heck hasn't he gotten his lamp, trash can, roller seat, food, shoes, snakes & mice.

Like I said before - if this is just an excuse, speak up and say whatever is on your mind or in your heart.

IF I don't hear anything by Wednesday - I'll try to feed the mice to the snakes (it will be a month since they have eaten. They have been eating rats - but I'm not going to buy rats or take the mice for trade. If they are hungry, they'll eat a couple of mice).
In another week or so, if there is still nothing - I'll take everything to his mom's or something.

It's already been just over 2 weeks. Feels longer somehow, sometimes. Everyday a little better I guess.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/20/10 05:04 PM
Take the stuff today.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/20/10 05:05 PM
It is better for him because he does not want what you want from the R. You were dating, he has ended that R because he does not want the R you want. Reasons of creature comfort are not good reasons for maintaining an R one does not want.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/20/10 08:55 PM
I will echo. "Take the stuff today". Get it out of your house. It is cruel to the snakes, mice and you. Be done with it. Leave it on his mom's doorstep if that's the only place you can. Just be done with it.

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/18/10 04:36 PM
checking on you TMW...
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/19/10 03:20 PM
Hi NNP, I just happened to check the site today. Funny.

I'm doing alright. 7 1/2 weeks. WOW.
been focusing on me, trying to get stuff done. have hard days here and there. time will only tell what will happen.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/19/10 03:26 PM
Did he get the rest of his crap out of your house?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/20/10 12:41 PM
Yeah, everything of his gone.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/20/10 01:43 PM
good for you! Now what are you doing for yourself? To facilitate your own healing?
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/21/10 12:06 PM
I'm focusing on me - started classes, going to exercise class usually 3 times a week, tons of personal projects for me around the house.

can't believe it's been 7 weeks - once his stuff was gone, only thing i've heard from him via text about was re-establishing his email. sort of long story.

everyone keeps saying they think he'll realize what he lost, he'll grow up or whatever and try to come back.

only God knows what will happen, time will tell.
Posted By: soleil Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/21/10 04:35 PM
What kind of exercise classes are you doing?

Time does fly--freakishly fast! Before you know it, it will be 12 weeks!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/21/10 05:19 PM
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/22/10 12:53 AM
today was a little down for me, no particular reason. not as down as the last time.
i know this is a process, i know it takes time. i know no one knows the future.
heard something that fit perfect - i don't wish it was easy, but i wish it didn't always seem so hard

dealing with issues on the house. finances. etc. life.

i say lots of prayers - for strength and guidance for myself, my friends and family. and i say prayers for xbf - that he see the truth in those around him, that he be led away from evils, that he find his path and a voice for whatever is in his heart.

last week had a couple of rough days and a couple people told me to give it to god - so i begged god to take it and i've been ok for almost a week. like i said, today down but not as down.

hope anyone reading is doing well. thanks for stopping.
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/22/10 07:17 PM
Your doing very good! it isnt easy, but anything in life worth achieving rarely is,, I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you will be ok , like you have heard before, you are young, smart and have your whole life ahead of you!
Have a good weekend
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/26/10 11:30 AM
thanks Karen.
Some days it just seems to feel so overwhelming. I pray and I feel better.
I pray for strength and guidance.

I know God only knows and time will tell whatever the future holds - no matter how much I wish I could speed things along or know what is going to happen.
Posted By: soleil Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/26/10 12:47 PM
People always say the WAS will regret it and whatnot but I am not even sure I believe that .. it just sounds like pretty words to tell someone. But you're just got to have a 'whatever' attitude about it. If they wanted to check out, then they don't deserve you...

Zumba is awesome! Glad to hear you are have started an e exercise regiment. It is so good for the mind and body.

Whenever you feel down, take it to your higher power. I know that's helpful for me sometimes...that and getting out there doing somethingi you love.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 10/29/10 03:23 PM
very very true.
i just have this added complication of our families and lives being intertwined.

who knows. i keep repeating it, but it's true - only god knows what will happen and time will tell. wink
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 12/28/10 12:30 PM
Thinking of you TMW, I hope you are finding your way.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/03/11 06:28 PM
haven't been on here in long time

too much to update here. don't really want to update here. no offense.

i'm doing ok, anyone who wants to get more detail, email me. I'll make a game of it.

anyone interested follow the hints below to figure out my email and send me a message

1st word clues
not quite green
type of tree
type of nut

(no space between 1st & 2nd word)

2nd word clues
city in California
brand name
beer (usually drink with a lime)



Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/03/11 09:59 PM
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/04/11 02:56 AM
nope, try again at the first part sunfunone
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/04/11 03:15 AM

Ok - that one works!
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/04/11 12:44 PM
you weren't supposed to give it away for everyone silly
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 01/04/11 01:08 PM
Posted By: Toomanywords I'm moving on - 01/18/11 12:30 PM
My next Chapter has begun but I feel no reason to post it all here.

XH done been gone smile 5 1/2 years. He is remarried, they have 2 kids.

XBF done been gone smile 5 months. He is seeing someone else.

As of Friday, so am I laugh It is very new, but it is very good and has lots of potential. Lots of talking, getting to know each other, understanding, etc.

Thank you - everyone here - for everything over the years. You have all supported, advised, carried, dried tears...you all helped me in ways I couldn't imagine. Thank you. You know who you all are. I will forever be grateful and thankful for your help and guidance and love. There is hope for humanity smile
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 01/18/11 12:48 PM
This is great news, TMW,

A new year, a new start, a new someone special, a new you. Yes - it was a very long, very difficult struggle for you to reach this point but I can say that I am very happy for you. I don't think you were always happy with me for the advice I gave or the way I delivered it but I really do think I did it for the right reasons - otherwise - whey bother posting at all.

I hope you feel as though a burden has been lifted. I hope your heart is light and it feels like Spring has arrived early. I am so very happy for you! Please keep us posted. Happy Endings are always the best and greatly needed around here.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 02/08/11 02:28 PM
*I was trying to find some of the poems I previously posted within my threads and I can't frown can anyone help
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 03/23/11 12:52 PM
Just a quick update.
That guy back in January - yeah, not so much.

But a different new guy and it's unlike anything I've ever experierenced. Beyond happy. Endless possibility.
A calmness and peacefulness has entered that I have never known.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: I'm moving on - 03/23/11 01:07 PM
hoping all the best for you TMW
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 03/23/11 04:03 PM
So happy for you TMW! We all knew it would happen for you if you just let go. Glad that day has finally arrived.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 05/10/11 05:19 PM
Life is so very good smile
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 05/11/11 12:23 AM
( :
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 05/11/11 11:16 AM
just need to vent/rant I guess

anyone have any advice on how to stop being angry? I am specifically angry at xbf and myself, specifically for debt and house. I have been trying very very hard to tell myself to live and learn - but it is very difficult when everyday I am bogged down.

Hopefully this will pass in a couple days. Yesterday I exhausted one of my final options regarding the house. I cannot sell, I cannot modify the mortgage, I cannot refinance. I am sort of being punished for being on time with payments, I'm struggling to do so, but I am doing it. Last possibility is a program my friend told me through the Making Homes Affordable. I don't know.
And with the debt, I've tried to consolidate, tried lower interest rates......in these terms I feel stuck.

But other than all of this - I am happy, I am wonderful, I am overjoyed.
(ok, certain time of the month my emotions and thoughts get the best of me and I doubt and worry and overthink) but otherwise....awesome.

thanks for reading, always.
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 05/11/11 11:43 AM
Hi TMW: I have done the same thing. Held onto too much anger too long. First with Ex. Then with my employees who shafted me and forced the closure of my business. I would lie awake at night just agonizing over it all. So I am NOT good at detaching.

But it is not healthy and I allow myself a minute or 2 of anger then put up the Stop Sign and force myself to "change the channel" - think of something good. Count my blessings. Make plans for the future.

You only have to live one day at a time. You can choose to focus on the positive or the negative. It took a LONG time to get to the point you finally rid yourself of that ass. It will take a LONG time to release all your anger too.

No get out there and smell the flowers! This is May and the sun is shining. Be happy!

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 05/11/11 01:47 PM
Thanks as always Barb.

I will try that - I will allow a minute or 2 and then the Stop Sign will be up and I will focus on the best thing in my life right now - my guy.
Honestly, he sounds too good to be true but he is 120% real. He is honest, caring, kind, understanding. He is on the same page in terms of feelings for each other. Open communication. It's all the things I wanted, needed - and things I didn't even know I wanted or needed - all wrapped up into my big teddy bear.
Posted By: NNP1965 Re: I'm moving on - 05/11/11 02:13 PM
...things you couldn't have cuz you were holding so tight to what you had. I am truly happy for you TMW, but please make sure your happiness is coming from with in you and not dependent on an outside source (boyfriend, job, house, whatever).

as for the debt... I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace... check it out. I wish I had heard of him when I was your age smile
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 05/11/11 04:38 PM
I am definately at peace. I felt peace before I went looking to date. wink

I have seen and heard excerpts - problem is I don't have many options when it comes to the debt. With recent law changes, the minimum payments are higher than they were. I owe A LOT.
I am SO very angry at myself and XBF because 4 years ago I didn't have this debt. ggrrrrr
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 05/12/11 02:09 AM
TMW: Just remind yourself that YOU ARE WORTH IT! Some of us end up with really great guys and wonder how we could be so lucky. Well guess what? We EARNED it!

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 05/12/11 03:19 PM
I asked myself for weeks how did I get so lucky and now I stopped asking and I'm just thankful.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 07/13/11 12:14 PM
Just thought I'd drop a line and say hello.
Things are wonderful, better than I could have ever imagined. I started taking classes. I may be up for a promotion of sorts(asking for prayers/wishes/positive thoughts on that wink )

One part of my brain that I wish I could just burn away is this part that remembers and focuses on dates. For example, the calendar this year is the exact same as it was 6 years ago. So I know that 6 years ago today is the day XH gave me the D papers.
Posted By: ClingingToHope Re: I'm moving on - 07/14/11 03:53 AM
Really, same calendar as 2005. Interesting. I was still coming to terms with a demotion and D8 was 3 and the ADHD stuff was just rearing its ugly head. I remember 2006 was good and December 2006 was great ... and then everything just died in 2007.

Dates, I think, will be tough for a long time.

Of course, eventually, you'll have new dates to celebrate.
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: I'm moving on - 07/18/11 02:19 PM
Clinging - Yes, dates will be tough for a while.
Some years, some days I won't remember. Then some years and sometimes after the date, I'll remember.

Fun memory, Friday 7/15/05 was when Harry Potter book 6 was released. Ironic that Friday 7/15/11 was when the final Harry Potter movie was released. Book 6 - it was one of the few good things I had to look forward to at the time. Sad but true.

Yes, new dates to celebrate. smile So true smile
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 07/18/11 06:20 PM
Those dates all become less important over time. Yesterday would have been my 35th wedding anniversary. I just realized it. First year ever that I didn't remember. This is good - I have passed another mark.

Posted By: whatisis Re: I'm moving on - 07/18/11 06:35 PM
My wedding anniversary is on Christmas Eve...good planning there!
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: I'm moving on - 07/18/11 08:29 PM
But Wii,

One day it will be just Christmas Eve again. (& I don't mean you'd take that day lightly). But you will one day forget it was your anniversary when the day arrives.

It took me 10 years. A long, long time to get to this place. But I'm glad I finally arrived.

Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/30/11 04:28 PM
I was just reading back from last year...This weekend will be 1 year since that loser was booted out of my life. WOW - the difference a year makes, the difference 6 years makes....

I am in such a happy place, so thankful & grateful, so appreciative of the awesomeness that I have.

I am so thankful for all of you, I wish I would have listened SO MUCH sooner, but I had to learn & go through it & get there in my own time. And it made me so much more aware of getting exactly what I deserve - which I very much am smile

Just wanted to take that moment to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone. smile
Posted By: SunFunOne Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/30/11 04:42 PM
TMW: YEAH!!! This just made my day. To put it bluntly - you were one of the most stubborn people ever. And I tried, I really tried to convince you that BF was just not good enough for you.

It makes me so happy that you are finally in a much better place. And life goes on...

Posted By: NNP1965 Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 08/30/11 05:23 PM
me too! wow, has it really been a year??? I am thrilled that you are in a much better place TMW. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for you smile
Posted By: Toomanywords Re: Pushed to the breaking point - 09/07/11 05:58 PM
Thanks wink
Thanks for sticking with me, following up and just being incredible. I know it was hard. I had so much hope, so much stupidity. But I learned and now I have everything I deserve and more smile
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