Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: cat03 The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:15 PM
my latest drama made my old thread locked up, lol!

All well in catland. Getting the SA revisions ready so they can be finalized before the refinancing next week, that way it is in writing he will get the money and will get his stuff out and get a place for him and the kids.

A small punch in the gut last night. I was in a cleaning frenzy (guy will come to appraise my home) and found an old copy of a check made out to stbx in the amount of 2.8k. I never knew of such money. It was a settlement for an injury he got at work, he didnt' tell me his work paid him anything! I was sooooo mad. He got the check a month before I gave birth (3-06). We really needed the money as they were not going to pay me 100% mat. leave. I outfitted the baby's room with yard sale and used stuff, bough a few simple things for the baby, not much.
I now remember at the time he worked overtime and told me with that money he was buying a bike, I should've know better that his ot wouldnt' be enough for a bike. Then he proceeded to outfit himself head to toe with Harley Davidson leather gear, 2 of every thing, I never questioned him, EVER, about any of his purchases, even as I bought my maternity clothes from ebay. That's where all the $ went, the whole thing was spent on him. (insert scream).

Guess he didnt' turn into a pie-hole overnight. It hurt, because I shared all the bonus and any extra $ I got, because I trusted him blindly with our $ and if he wanted something I never said no, all his hobbies costed $ and I never denied him anything.

I was one sec. from calling him last night. Then I remembered... he does not know the house is being appraised for the refinancing. I've fixed tons around the house, have cleaned the carpets & porch, the landscaping outside looks great, i will get a much larger appraisal this time...and I will NOT tell him what the real value is.
I am absolutely sure they will appraise the house for at least 20k more than the amount we agreed on. I have spent my money fixing the bathrooms, scrubbed mold our of floors and washed everything.

It is now my turn to keep quiet.

Vengeance is Mine, I will repay says the Lord. -Deut 32:35
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:28 PM
your signature makes me think of Pulp Fiction!!!!



and I will have a stiff something...whatever...I am not picky today!!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:30 PM
it's actually from a chick flick, "penelope" lol! it is very funny.

Ok, a fuzzy navel coming right up
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:38 PM
I meant the vengence is mine one...

but I wanted to see that movie and I LOVE that quote

I stole it from you and made my kids journal on it in class!!!

fuzzy navel is stiff!!!!

Lord woman I need a straight shot of tequilla and keep em coming!!!!

;\)
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:40 PM
the penelope quote

the vengenance one might no tbe public school appropriate!!!

Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:46 PM
Cat,

Good for you. Don't show him your cards it can only work to you advantage. Besides, you're the one who has done all of the hard work in getting ready for this appraisal. You should be entitled to any extra money.

As far as the check goes, that's just slimey and remember that when you need to be strong!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 07:53 PM
fig: oh! lol, thats funny you made them write about it. It is a cute movie \:\)

And, being that it is after all, 5 de Mayo, TEQUILAS all around!!!


Beth: tx luv, I wont' say a thing, i was thinking of when, if ever, tell him that the house was worth more. I'll have to make sure he can't do anything though, lol, he'd be so po'd.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 08:00 PM
I was very grown up this weekend.

As usual gremlins try to put ideas in my head. I got, all of a sudden, fixated with the idea to get my 2 chairs back (I loved the chairs from a patio set I bought last yr and now I see 2 chairs are missing from the porch, I am 98% stbx took them, most likely to ow's.) I even had a plan to go to her condo and peek at her balcony, then tell stbx I knew they were there and to get them or I'd tell her to give them to me.
Boy I was mad --the crazy kind

I calmed down and realized how looney he'd think I am, he is great at denying and lying about stuff and prob would just say "see?? now you are thinking of more way to make this hard". So, I'll prob never bring it up,and honestly I don't want to be anywhere near ow's.

I'll have to disinfect the dog though, lol, he is taking him to ow's to get his hair clipped there, she isn't a groomer (has a dog) but I know it's her for stbx said "I'm taking him to someone who will try to give him a haircut, she isnt', I mean, he isnt' a professional so we'll see" *roll of eyes* , whatever, I didn't say anything, he's the same liar as always.
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 08:02 PM
Yup dot all the i's and cross all of the t's and then let 'er rip! Yes, judging from everything you've said he probably will be pi$$ed but too bad so sad!

He did this and at the expense of both you AND his child. He has not been fair in his treatment of you. Don't lose any sleep over this.

Vengence is mine said cat!

Love,
bethie
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 09:03 PM
Hey Cat
Bethies right, dont show him your cards, thats the main piece of advise my L had for me!

I hope your house does apparaise for more and you should be able to keep the extra, IMHO! lol but then again who am i? lol

Its a pain in the you know what but when its all done, you will be glad you took the steps.

Good Luck!
Posted By: Aud31 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/05/08 11:40 PM
Hey sweetie--I'm proud of you for letting the chair thing slide off your back, and GRRR about the check. Those kinds of things still hit me every now and then too...and I just breathe through them and focus on living a happy life today. They're becoming fewer as time goes by.

You're one smart hard-working cookie! Good luck with the appraisal, and ((hugs)) from me. \:\)
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 02:20 PM
today the wheel of fortune gives me a, let's say, 800! I find myself realizing there are good stretches of time that I don't think of stbx's crap! and last sunday when I was volunteering... drums please... I didnt' think of him at all for 4hrs!!! I could not believe it \:\) it is a world record. It was my first meeting volunteering to be a pal to a girl with a brain injury, a sweet shy girl who, despite the fact she didnt' talk much, was able to take my mind off the mess for a long period of time.

Almost done with the SA stuff, hope to give stbx the draft tonight and hope we can sign off on it by friday. I can't believe the turn things have taken, I was doing #s last night, and ... wow! I'll have so much more extra $ than now!! God is so good.
Posted By: almosthopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 03:15 PM
Hi cat,

Well, yippee skippee about being so grown up about the patio chairs, and more seriously, about getting out of yourself through the volunteer work. Everywhere I turn it seems I read if I want to get over myself, help somebody else. Looks like it works!

Nice going on getting your house spruced up on the QT. You get to enjoy it in the short run and get the financial benefits in the future.

What kind of haircut did the pup end up with???? I can only imagine! You are brave, I wouldn't let the prissy predator new MRS XH near my dogs.

Hugs,
AH
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 04:29 PM
he got shaved, bleah, I'm still pretty sure it was her. The hair on his legs are a bit too long, he came back so shy and quiet, I thought he'd be so happy to see us, he even went back to the carrier! I can't believe how much I missed him, it is actually s9's dog, it is a bichon frise, he makes a mess around the house (getting in the trash, etc) but I still missed him, lol!
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 04:45 PM

Hi Cat,

Boy oh boy, the more I read about this guy the more he reminds me of the kidís father. The whole thing with the check was a page right out of mineís book. I will never forget that when my triplets (long story) were infants I had a 600 dollar a month bill in diapers and wipes alone. I went back to work to help with this. Long story short, I had a big meeting and nothing fit my babies were three months old. I went to his desk and he had clothes from the Gap and Banana Republic hidden there. Over 30 pairs of jeans at home, clothes just everywhere. Meanwhile, I went to this meeting with a suit from a rinky dink discount store. I looked terrible.
This guy though is walking around in good quality clothes.

Another example, he got a bonus in April of 10,000 (and has gotten one every year since our separation and has given us NOTHING) once and went out and bought all new things for his motorcycle. With three babies in the house. I took mine and bought things for them and paid bills. The year I got laid off, I had already paid for a trip to Disney. He was still working, he paid for the car rental. I paid for the tickets to the theme park, food for the week and the airline tickets and souvenirs FROM MY SEVERANCE MONEY.

Passive aggressive people are not weak, they are the worse kind of manipulator in that they make you feel guilt for not meeting their needs. They have usually been this way their whole life so they may not even realize how manipulative they actually are, rarely doing the work necessary to grow up.

You are doing just fine, keep doing what you are doing and you wonít have to do it again.

BESOS y ABRAZOS

*Ever*
Posted By: kml Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 04:46 PM
That's so great that you are volunteering with a girl with brain injuries. \:\)
My best friend's husband had a serious brain injury.
How old is she? What happened to her?

Ellie
Posted By: oldtimer Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 05:19 PM
Congrats on the SA -- get it done!
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 05:59 PM
Ever.........

You need to get some legal advice. My lawyer got me half of all bonus's while we were separated. He can't just take it an blow it. That's considered income and he owes you a cut.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 06:00 PM
Beth -- they weren't separated at the time of the bonus, so I don't think it matters.

Cat -- if you are happy with the SA, nail it down before it changes more. Remember, the longer things go on, the worse they will get.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 09:02 PM
WOW ever, what a major pie hole!!! 10k??? that' s insane!
that is so awful (and I want to hear the story of the triplets, you got triplets??? awwwww)

OT, i'm done with the revisions, will give them to stbx today and will email mediator tomorrow as soon as stbx oks it!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 10:38 PM
Cat--I was so lucky to get the pendente lite orders done within 2 days of discovering the affair--it has made the sep bearable. Hope things get signed off asap.
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/06/08 10:58 PM
HiCat,

Get it done and no regrets.

We were separated for 3 of those bonuses,not once did he use any on us. He now has three yes three motorcycles. He nearly killed himself last year and totalled one. Sold one to pay for the divorce only to crash the one left a few weeks later.

Karma ... it will bite you in the booty everytime.
Posted By: whatisis Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/07/08 02:15 AM
Yes, get it done, Cat. Then you can get on with your life! When I signed off, it was a relief. The road will start to look better once it's done.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/07/08 01:55 PM
kml, about the girl I'm volunteering with, she is 20 but acts much younger, can't talk very well, has some paralysis supposedly but she seemed ok to me as far as walking and stuff, the agency didnt' tell me how it happened, she just came from Nepal 3ys ago and still not used to this country, I can sort of see myself in her, she doesn't have many friends.

Ever, 3 motorcycles? jeez, talk about major MLC, that's funny he wrecked the other one and now has none.

Well guys, I gave him the final draft, he wasn't too clear on the numbers when I gave him the sheet yesterday, so he told me we'd talk today, so cross your fingers that he oks it and that I can email the mediator soon.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 04:42 PM
it's on its way, he had no changes thank heavens. The tax assessment was totally absurd, my home would never sell for such an amount, (100k more than what we priced it), but I'm glad the appraiser doenst' even have to come because of that amount! all that cleaning for nothing, lol!
Houses are dropping in price even more, it sort of made me a bit ticked off, homes better than mine priced lower than the amount I set with stbx...BUT... it helps the children, he is looking for a place with 3 bedrooms, a proper place for them, he could simply buy something smaller closer to work, but he's thinking of the kids and the money I"m giving him is the only way he could ever afford a place of his own.
Had he wanted a D when he left, wow mama, I would never had been able to pay him off, I would've have to sell the house. It is a blessing to me the market is so bad, though I understand many are suffering because of this.
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 04:54 PM
how do you feel about it???
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 04:55 PM
oh! today is the daily double at cat's wheel of fortune!! it was zumba day, was planning on taking it slow what with the monthly curse on me and all, but heck, she played the songs I liked, he he
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 04:56 PM
that damn curse!!!!!



i want to zumba!!!!

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 05:00 PM
I feel good fig, after all is said and done I end up with extra mula every month and kids will have a decent place, so, all things considered, it's all good \:\)

girl, I dare you to take a class! do it!

darn that aunt flo, lol, watch out world >:]
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 05:02 PM
I can't afford it

it's $15 a class

and

it's 17 miles away


I will just have to dance around my house and call it zumba!!!!

\:\)
Posted By: oldtimer Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 05:04 PM
Congrats! When is it legally binding?
Posted By: one_light Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 05:59 PM
Cat: Glad things are going well, you upbeat attitude is encouraging.

EverHopeful: If you live in a community property state, you are entitled to half of the bonus. To paint it with a broad stroke, anything that is not a gift is half yours.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 06:50 PM
it is legally binding the moment it is ready and we sign it, all I need now is for the mediator to call me to either tell me when it will be ready or (hopefully not) that we need to meet one more time as the changes I submitted to him were 1.5pgs long.

oh please let him just do them and have us sign it! we dont' even have to be there at the same time, just exchange docts with our signature on them.
Posted By: Lissie Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 08:57 PM
Hope it all goes smoothly for ya sweets.
Posted By: almosthopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/08/08 09:03 PM
HI cat,

HOpe you don't have to meet again, and that the mediator can make your changes. AFter a time, I know that more meetings just means more pain.

Big hugs,
AH
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/09/08 12:00 AM
hi and hugs to you today.

you are doing just fine.

*Ever*
Posted By: whatisis Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/09/08 01:17 AM
Cat, you'll be in my prayers tonight. Let us know how it goes.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/09/08 02:35 PM
smooches to all)))))))) today is another 800 in the wheel of fortune, I thought my acct went under but it didnt, yey!! and saw online that the bank already opened an account for my loan \:\)
Mediator's email was confusing, he said he was out of town today but that we could finalize things next week, whatever that means, guess he could still say we need a meeting, cross your fingers for me!

I'm redoing my bedroom, to give it anew feel, (love craigslist.com!) found a lovely distressed white dresser mirror, and as soon as I got extra dough will change my closet's doors for mirrors, always wanted to do that, it's the master bedroom but it is rather small. Have a blessed wkend everyone! it's going to rain here, but it's mommy's day wkend, will pig out at my church's potluck tomorrow then again at my brother's on sunday, he he
Posted By: one_light Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/09/08 03:29 PM
Re-doing the bedroom sounds like a great idea. Out with the old, in with the new. A new, better, look for a new, better you!
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/09/08 04:01 PM
got that right \:\) it helps me tons emotionally, puts me in a different frame of mind
Posted By: almosthopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/09/08 08:12 PM
Originally Posted By: cat03
got that right \:\) it helps me tons emotionally, puts me in a different frame of mind


Sounds fun and nice.

Enjoy your mom's day, sounds like my family, eating is always central to any celebration!

Hugs,
AH
Posted By: DiDi Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/11/08 09:33 PM
Happy Mother's Day Cat!
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/12/08 02:25 PM
thanks honey))))))))) hope you had a good one too

the wheel stops at 100 today.
Stbx came as usual, was all chipper and talked as he used to talk when he was happy in the old days, it send a little stab to my heart, I almost wished he'd be his moody self. He was decently dressed for a chance and sure enough ow's tag was on his car.
It isnt' a punch in the gut to see it, but nonetheless I remember all this "it isnt' between you and her" or "I could never will live her, I'd go crazy" etc, etc statements.
I guess the end result is the same, he isnt' here, I just feel like it was yet another lie he told me. How easily he is now in another R with no qualms. Ok, so it is a bit of jelousy that he has someone and I don't.

I am so SO SO SO glad that I won't get to see him every morning after September, little one will b at school, he'll have his own place. I prob would've had these feelings on an off all the while.

Something odd happened yesterday, I was leaving the movies with my brother and kids and wasn't thinking of this mess and I actually felt this wonderful happy feeling, true careless happy feeling... and as usual, my instinct when I feel like that is to share it with my H, but alas, no H. BUT, it made think, I dont' think I've had that pure feeling of happiness in a long time, even when he came back! all the time we did nice things, went out and stuff all I could think of is "hope this is making him happy" or "I bet this makes him glad he is back", all my thoughts were centered about him and how I'd hope whatever we were doing would make him feel good.

I want that true happiness feeling again, if not with someone who shares it back (stbx never seemed truly happy no matter what we did, he'd just nod or not say anything) then with my kids and I, it felt so good.

I prob made no sense, lol, but just wanted to get that out in writing ;\)
Posted By: SallyM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/12/08 02:44 PM
makes perfect sense to me. absolutely does.

stay strong. you sound good, actually, and love that the feeling hit you yesterday. you will get there again.
Posted By: Lissie Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/12/08 03:03 PM
Quote:
I want that true happiness feeling again, if not with someone who shares it back (stbx never seemed truly happy no matter what we did, he'd just nod or not say anything) then with my kids and I, it felt so good.


\:\) Love that warm happy feeling.

I know you will have more to come lovey.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/13/08 04:20 PM
thanks gals ))))))))

the wheel is in abit of rut, perhaps 100 today, old feelings are trying to claw their way (can't believe this is happening, paying him off makes our separation permanent, he has/has not ow's tag on his car, etc etc) useless stuff, to which I know the answers to, but which come to me... when I'm happy. Isn't that crazy? when normalcy and those happy feelings come to me the default switch on my brain associates them to the last time (early 2005 before he left) that I felt that way when I was with him.

Grrrrrrrr, have to work on that, well, I just return the book on D support I had, I didnt' finish it, I think it is time to get another one to fend off the gremlins.

Stbx is home shopping, the refinancing is set for this friday. Mediator will email me revised version and H said he'll take it to his L, *groan* I thought we were just going to agree on it ourselves, great, so hopefully he won't come up with more stuff, I told him I will not do the refinancing until we sign off on the SA by Thursday.

On a lighter note, zumba day was moved to today (meeting old friends for lunch oin thursday). The instructor made me come up the stage, man! I have to work double hard when I'm up there, wow mama! Her mom asked me if I was an instructor, she loves my dancing, and toldme there rec center by my area has zumba and I were to be the instructor she'd go there lol! and for a sec I thought, maybe I can become certified and ... maybe, just maybe, teach a class at night, I dont' know, I love to dance but I wonder how good I'd be, I don't want to be a sucky teacher :P

Anyways, happy week all)))))))
Posted By: whapu Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/13/08 08:21 PM
Cat,
Just scratching thru....You sound as though your are keeping things in proper perspective. All the mediators and lawyers doing the job that usually takes two people must be annoying but hang in there. Stand firm and stand tall! ZUMBA ,ZUMBA DO! peace
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/13/08 08:36 PM
hey friend))))))))))))))))
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 06:36 PM
the wheel stops at "bankrupt" today, bleah.

Stbx approved the SA, we'll sign off tomorrow, next day I refinance home and pay him off, so at least that's a good thing.

S9 still doesnt' understand about D, asking me if we'll go camping together, I try to tell him again that we can't do things together anymore, he asks me why dad and me can't get along.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, damn it, it took all my might not to burst out crying, and I said what I wasn't supposed to say, but damn it, I'm not going to let my son grow up thinking I didnt' try hard to keep us together. I told him that it wasnt' my choice, that I didnt' want things to happen this way, that his dad wants to llive apart (a while ago I also chalked it up to depression when we had a similar talk) I told him we still would have fun and were still a family, his sister him and me, that we had good times... and that's when my voice broke and I turned away, he asked me if I was crying, I didnt' respond until I felt better, I just changed the subject. Ok, so I shouldn't teach him to repress his feelings, but I didnt' trust myself, I was afraid I was going to sob hard.

Stbx talked to me today about taxes, trip with s9, etc etc. After he hanged up out of the blue I remembered the Vday fiasco, my impromptu dinner and his cruise with ow, how all the while he'd tell me he was barely talking to her when they were pretty much living together... and I wanted to sob. Ok, it is rock bottom time I guess, time to let out all the emotions out of me. Felt angry enough to go home and burn whatever valuable crap he has left.

Trying hard to count my blessings, the picts from the China earthquake reminded me of the greater suffering going on there, the pict of the mom looking through children's corpses trying to find her child got to me the most, God give those poor people solace and strenght.

Welcome to my pity party, have some cheese.


Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 07:02 PM
Cat
You are so right, we do get wrapped up in our probs at times, and for good reason, but when you see people who are suffering like the people in China and the country w/ the cyclone ( sorry can not recall the name) It makes you take pause.

Everyone will get through this, after all, having the support and love of our children and friends/family, is a HUGE comfort

Have a great rest of your week!
Posted By: Aud31 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 08:34 PM
((hugs)) It's gonna get better hon. Promise.
Posted By: Lissie Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 08:50 PM
I could feel every emotion reading your words.

How they love to live like a double life almost.

Why not just be honest. (ok that was funny, i mean really they are not gonna be, wishful thinking on my part)

I think you said the perfect thing to your son. My son is 9 too. I am as honest as possible, taking into consideration his age.

I will join you in your pity party, and wine and cheese is fab.

HUGS sweetness

Posted By: SallyM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 09:02 PM
(((HUGS))) cat. I'm so sorry honey. I know how much that hurts...my kids are younger, but have had lots of the same questions, and it does hurt when we know its not our choice that it ends up the way it does, and that we busted our asses off trying to make things work.

I keep telling mine that we are team T. the 4 of us are...and we do fun things together. maybe it will get easier over time. no really knowledge on this, so just hoping I guess.

take care.

and yes, what is going on in china right now is horrific. breaks my heart and helps put things in perspective a bit. but that doesn't mean that the tragedies in our own lives are less to us...they still affect us, they still hurt us.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 09:02 PM
thanks gals)))))))))) the legs and arms are moving but there is no one upstairs right now, lol, will feel better eventually, have lots planned. The lady that is in charge of the volunteer service told me her family and therapist (of the girl I volunteer with) have all good things to say, that made me feel a little better.
Posted By: whapu Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/14/08 09:25 PM
Cat,
Quote:
when my voice broke and I turned away, he asked me if I was crying, I didnt' respond until I felt better, I just changed the subject. Ok, so I shouldn't teach him to repress his feelings, but I didnt' trust myself, I was afraid I was going to sob hard.

One thought from me on this. I think it is fine to cry in front of your children over a situation like this...especially a boy. Too many times the media and social circles play this FACADE about those that don't cry are more strong. This isn't spilt milk, this is a serious situation that a lot of people have to face.
You handle yourself quite well with the onslaught of emotions and finances being slung at you. Rumba, Rumba Rumba....
peace
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 02:34 AM
thanks for being my crying shoulder everyone))))))))))))))) I was one min. from calling him and tell him how crappy I was feeling andwhy, and it would've been the same crap "well, you need to talk to your T about it", and he would've been right, as OT puts it , it is like a victim seeking comfort from its abuser.. totally useless.

Planning our first trip without stbx, we will be going camping for 3 days, yikes, I was never a camping person but kids love it so here we go. Because of his schedule we were never able to go for a full 3 day weekend away, but now I can, so off we go, kids can't wait.

Feeling better, cried for 2min, lol, it helped.

Thanks whapu, I will keep your input in mind, I want him to feel safe to show me if he is feeling bad, not hide it.
Posted By: ACJ Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 11:25 AM
Cat,
I think the fact that at 9 your son doesn't understand D is a testimony to your love for him. There are way too many children of this age and younger who fully understand the implications of D and have felt the pain as a consequence
Posted By: SallyM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 11:49 AM
cat, I agree that its okay for kids to see you cry sometimes...that it can actually teach them empathy. they can't fix it for us, but you can tell them that sometimes mommy's get sad. and you can show them how you are able to come out of it and such. and that will help him learn that its okay to cry himself, and will help him learn to cope with his own sorrows.

and I'm sooo glad you didn't call your stbx. so glad. but oh how I know the struggle not to. that is the great thing about this place, isn't it? we can get it all out to people who understand, who really get it, and hopefully that will keep us from shooting ourselves in the foot by calling our WAS.

hope you have a good day today. and thank you again for all your advice to me. I really appreciate it...it helps keep me grounded.
Posted By: kikifree Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 12:29 PM
Hey cat,

I agree. It is okay to cry in front of the children at times. They need to know it is okay to show emotion.

enjoy yoour trip..the moment. Forget about STBX.


You will be okay..better than okay.

(((hugs))))
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 01:19 PM
I cried in front of the hardys

not sobbing uncontrollably

but cried

because it was a sad thing
it hurt

and

they saw me cry
and
they saw me smile

they knew it was ok to do both then too

just a thought

and

i did the black hills camping with the hardys last year
it was fun but yikes
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 02:13 PM
Originally Posted By: fig
we can get it all out to people who understand, who really get it, and hopefully that will keep us from shooting ourselves in the foot by calling our WAS.


I'd be amputated above the knee by now, lol! this board has truly saved me from myself.

\:\) I'm glad for you all

Ok, the wheel is, um, 300 today, climbing back up \:\)
Posted By: whapu Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 05:17 PM
Cat,
Camping with the kids for 3 days with just mom? How cool is that! You and the kids will have such a good time getting out from under this emotional blanket for awhile and bond in ways that you never imagined. I am excited for you and the kids...I might be camping soon as well....maybe a little different kind of camping ..peace...
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 08:06 PM
want to hear about that whapu \:\)

I was never into camping, but they like it so much, I was rooting for a cabin but they were all out, only had one night, so 1 night on a cabin 2 nights tent, I'm looking for a propane stove now, dont' know I'm going to feed us all for 3 days without electricity (they were out of tent site with hook ups) so good luck to us all, lol
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/15/08 08:58 PM
Quote:
thanks for being my crying shoulder everyone))))))))))))))) I was one min. from calling him and tell him how crappy I was feeling andwhy, and it would've been the same crap "well, you need to talk to your T about it", and he would've been right, as OT puts it , it is like a victim seeking comfort from its abuser.. totally useless
.

Oh man have I ever been there. Funny how they can so easily pawn us off as the one with the problem and take absolutely no responsibility for what they've done. My head used to spin because I couldn't wrap my brain around that, but I've seen the same scenario so many times now that I just think it's all part of their illness. Oh and the victim seeking comfort from the abuser...my therapist said that as well. It was one of the few comparisons that stuck with me. When I would get the urge to call, either just to hear his voice or to try to "break through" , I would repeat that in my head over and over again until the feeling passed.

You did good cat. Can you recognize what a strong person you have become?

Take care..........

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 03:38 AM
thanks Beth \:\)

Well, it's all pretty much done, he signed the SA papers today, I will do it tomorrow and refin. the house. Well, and life keeps going, can't wait for our camping trip.
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 02:58 PM
Yup Sweetie,

Focusing on the camping trip and the fun stuff is the best thing that you can do. There's nothing you can do about him anyway. He sounds to be the type that almost has to go the whole 9 yards before he'll ever realize what is that he's done. It will be amazing to watch how wonderful he thinks his life is with OW a year from now. I'd bet money that you're the one that comes out of this happier simply because you've done the work and you know what's important.

Here's to moving on...........

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 04:38 PM
Cat,

Bethie is exactly right. My kid's father sounds like he is angry all the time, life aint like the woulda thought at all right about now.

Hugs,
Ever
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 05:35 PM
Hi Ever!

How are you Sweetie? Why don't you give us an update. I keep watching your thread to see how life is treating you. Let us know!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 05:39 PM
Bethie and Cat,

Will do today...

Ever
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 06:19 PM
Thank you mam!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 06:40 PM
Cat--
Just caught up. Hope you have a great weekend camping \:\) I think I'll be doing that alot this summer.
At least with the SA, things are legal and he can't mess with the financials...
Hug your littles...
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 07:28 PM
well, it is done, I signed the SA, then went immediately to do the refinance, stbx actually asked before signing hisname off the deed "how do I know you'll be giving me my money?"

*ROLL of eyes*

I reminded him that 5min ago I had just signed a LEGAL SA which said I'd pay him the $, ish!! to what he said "well, can't blame me for asking", anyways, he was in and out, for a while I was about to cry as I signed him out of the house, but thank heavens the urge evaporated and I was comforted to know that I'll be getting 2k or so because of some legal mumbo-jumbo : )) that made my day.

Looking forward to a good weekend, hugs to all))))))))
Posted By: BethM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 07:35 PM
Congrats cat............

When he asked how he could be sure he'd get his money, you should have said, "Because I'm not the liar and cheat, REMEMBER???"
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 07:37 PM
I would have said

money....what money....

huh?????


then put my sunglasses on and walked away
Posted By: whatisis Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 07:54 PM
Have a great weekend, Cat. It's a weird place to be, you're still married but you're not and you're not divorced but you kinda are. Welcome to the adventure! Oh, did it stipulate what currency you need to pay him in? A little Burmese currency could be of some use to him. Don't ya think?
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 08:58 PM
LOL, funny money might do the trick

fig, you crack me up girl!
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/16/08 09:04 PM
I guess it is weird, we are not D yet, but the thing is, this M has been dead for a looooooooong time, he wanted a legal S asap when we last talked in Feb. He wanted to talk to a mediator, Ls where involved, I was not about to sign stuff that binded me forever to him (wait til kids are older to sell the house, him coming over and still with ow with full intent on D, him putting me through hell, getting $$ out of me to be with her, lying and betraying me).
Yup, I was married but I had no H, he was just there, a husk.

Legally I'm married still, but we are not bound by anything anymore, by choosing to be with a prostitute who insulted our kids, threaten his job and EVERYone knows is a basket case and by betraying me each time I trusted him he's given the kiss of death to our M.

wii, fig, you guys crack me up!! lol, funny money should do
Posted By: believing_isaiah43 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/19/08 05:21 PM
hi cat; off boards more than on, but wanted to come find you. VERY proud of you and how far you've come out of such a difficult sitch.

Nutshell BI update: The good Lord has finally graced my H with a new job, more $$ than he made before the A and his firing, and we will be moving about 2 hours away from here, which should help with a 'new start' for sure; lots going on. Still the M suffers where it shouldn't, but I'm believing God to restore things, and H being 'provider' again after 2+ years of shame and humiliation is a good start. There: you finally got a bit of an update! Will get back to posting on blog in a few weeks I hope.

{{{{cat}}}}
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/19/08 07:50 PM
oh BI!!!! that is awesome news!! thank God he got a new job : )

Great luck on the move, a fresh start should help things tons, smiling real big for you honey))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted By: SallyM Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/19/08 10:13 PM
must be a very strange sort of limbo, but you sound like you are doing great! hope the refinance is smooth for you, and great job staying strong. hard to do, those tears are hard to fight back some time.

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: whapu Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/19/08 11:54 PM
Cat,
I hope everything about your camping trip went well and was fruitful...for your family and especially you.

I just want to keep a bleary eye out for any sort of unnecessary nonsense!...peace
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/20/08 02:48 PM
thanks guys))))))))) doing great, things considering, getting ready for the trip.

I need to be checked on now and then whapu, thanks, nonsense does creep into my brain \:\)

stbx will stay with dog, let me know today that, just so I'll know, "someone" will help. He did apologize knowing it hurts me but asked me if he rather lie to me and I said no.

Hurt a bit, of course, he talked about last time he had to take dog there, how they both (dog & him) slept on the couch). Now and then I ask certain seemingly innocous questions to know if he's been there or not *SIGH*, guess it is a monkey on my back I"m still fighting with.

Bottom line, whatever he said about her in the past (I could never be with her, we couldnt stand each other more than a month, I know we couldnt' have a R with her, etc) he still went back to her, regardless what I did or did not do. This is his choice, he isn't changing and was mentally gone from the M for the most part we were piecing.

I was finding some weird solace knowing he is buying a place nearby, half because the kids wouldn't be too far from me, half from knowing he was still around. Damn, we've been together 13yrs, guess the umbilical cord is still has some life left.
Was trying to fool myself into being happy that he isn't moving in with her, and she can't move in with him, at least not yet, her condo lost TONS of value and she couldn't sell without owing a lot to the bank. BUT, I have to stop deluding myself, I might get a kick in the gut later when I find out she's renting and still moving in with him or whatever other way they can find to be together.
He isnt my H anymore, my good loving H wouldnt' never done this to me. He is a parent of my children, if he is doing good then it is good for the children, his live is pointing away from me, and mine from him.

Reality check over.
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/20/08 07:27 PM
have fun camping

my son tried to take home every animal he saw

jeeeeeeeeeeepers

thank goodness for shots!!!!

;\)

thanks for all your kind words
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/20/08 08:43 PM
hon, just when I'm whining about my sitch I learn of someone else who went through worse. Here you are, laughing it up despite it all, I'm glad to have met people like you babes))))
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/21/08 02:23 PM
thanks

and

I am all about power and control

so if I cry
i let it have that power over me

so

instead

I chose to laugh



and

bad is as bad does

my really bad might be someone else's cake walk and vice versa

i really am very blessed
Posted By: Committed2Him Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/21/08 02:36 PM
cat,

just popped in to say hi and that I'm back. Catch up more soon.

Just to add, I saw a lot of those people who have it worse than us. Even in Hawaii, people are homeless. I saw streches and stretch of such individuals living in tents. I also saw families living in shelters that would remind you of barracks in hot temporary type structures, living with lots of other people.

I don't have much but like you, I am thankful for what I do have. Blessings to you.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/22/08 04:49 PM
hey there, just posted on your tread \:\)

feeling some bad gremlins trying to pull me down hard, trying to pry my brain open and put poisoned thoughts in it. pray for me C2H.
I was expecting this, the closer one gets to God the more the enemy fights you and tries to knock you down.

Getting ready for my trip, getting ready for the future which might include ow and my kids (shudder). My wonderful kids believe in God and I pray that their hearts hold on to the goodness of His believes, that no matter what happens they know where they stand.
Posted By: shoeprincess Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/22/08 05:01 PM
where are you going again? Sorry I forgot. Your kids will hold onto gods goodness, they see how strong you are with your faith I am sure.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/22/08 06:56 PM
hi sp, I'm going 2hrs away near the mountains camping with the kids, everytime I tell everyone they ALWAYS say "by yourself?" jeez, what gives! it's the 3 of us, kids and me, what's so weird about that?

Thanks sp, my s9 is specially sensitive, he even asked why I like Betty Boop stuff so much (my car has seat covers, bobbing head, wheel cover and ornaments with BB), and I asked why, he said the way she dressed wasn't rigth! boy, he took the words out of my mouth, lol
As much as he bickers with the 5yr old (well, it's her mostly who gets on his nerves on purpose), he told me he didnt' want her to go to his school because lots of kids used bad words, he didnt' want his little sister listening to that ;\) He is such a sweetheart!
Posted By: Aud31 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/22/08 07:31 PM
I'm so proud of you for taking the kids camping this weekend--you HAVE FUN!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/22/08 07:47 PM
thanks toots
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/22/08 08:02 PM
have fun

I got the same reaction when I took the boys to Mt Rushmore

"just you and the boys"

damn straight

and

no one went to jail
or got rabies
or smuggled home live animals
or got lost

so there!!!!

Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/23/08 04:29 PM
lol figgi, something tells me you had one interesting outing a long while ago ;D

Ok, just have to put it in writing or I'll go nuts. Long story short I opened the bag I stashed away with "evidence" from ow about the A, cards and crap, found out he'd give her $ for car repairs, (I already knew he told her crap about me), lovely (gag) notes about how he loved waking up to her, yada yada yada.

Was about to leave in in the house today (he was coming toget dog) for him to see with a note about the $, how she now has a nice cash cow (no wonder she believed EVERYthing he said, he was his sugar daddy at my expense!)
But like an answer from God, a good friend who knows it all called me, I cried and sobbed for a while, whined that prob the settlement $ was going to give him and her a good ol' time, etc etc.
She talked me down, reminded me that $ wont' bring him the happiness he seeks, it's all momentary, that without God he will never find true peace, that he wan'snt worth my tears after all those lies and deceits.

I ended up burning the entire thing, no notes left, no more chances to re-read that crap.

THERE, phew, it's out.

Hugs to all))))))) won't post til Tuesday, I'm all ready and kids cant wait, smooches to all)))))))))))))))))))))
Posted By: shoeprincess Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/23/08 05:08 PM
Way to go cat! You must feel better burning all that "trash". I am glad your friend talked was able to calm you down. Leaving that stuff out would have just showed that he can still control your emotions. You took the high rode. Have a great trip with the kids!
Posted By: kikifree Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/23/08 05:59 PM
Burm baby Burn!!!

Let go of that nasty memory!!!

Good for you Cat!
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/23/08 06:07 PM
my friend says that all money belongs to God anyway

so

something tells me God knows whats up with that!!!
Posted By: EverHopeful Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/23/08 11:26 PM
Hey Cat,

*Ever*
Posted By: Committed2Him Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/26/08 07:48 PM
Welcome back cat!

Glad you had a good friend to speak truth to you. Exactly correct about "peace." My X has everything she could want and I am likely losing my house but I know that I know that I know I have the peace that surpasses understanding. I wish X well but she is always going off about something, hopefully, one day she'll find that peace in the Lord.

As I post, I am praying that your return home was safe and that you rest up for Tuesday.

Let us know how your trip went \:\)

(p.s. I love the heart of your son as he looks out for his sister, very precious indeed
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/27/08 06:16 PM
I'm baaaaaaak! we had an awesome time, my little ones learned to fish (thanks to a nearby little girl who could tell I was clueless, lol!) and even the 5yr old knows how to throw a line! s9 caught 4 fishes, we had to ask a nearby guy to unhook the fishes for us though \:\) we threw them back, i was so proud of him.
Wonderful weather, had a great time despite the fact that my eye couldnt' leave the sites of dad-mom families nearby, and on the way there as I looked at the gorgeous farms & trees I wanted to scream..he should've been there with us, he could've been enjoying a trip with us.. and then I remember that no matter what we did he was always detached, and remember how one time he told me he felt he didnt' fit in in the family, guess that's why he's back with someone whom every one warned him about: to try to find that "something" that eludes him.

Overall it was a great trip, we ate too many smores, slept like sardines since we only had 2 air mattresses which i had to place horizontally, lol, but I loved the trip and finally on Sunday I said "the heck with him and her" and was able to not think of that stuff as much.

Hope you all cooked out and landed great sales, \:D , luckily I missed them all or I would've charged my recently cleaned credit cards.
Posted By: fig Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/27/08 06:22 PM
yay for fishing!!!

I love fishing

onc eyou get the hang of it you will be baiting, taking off and cleaning your own fish in no time!!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/27/08 06:56 PM
I used to gut fishes when I was 10 just for fun fig, lol, but I didnt' have the heart to do so now!

Thank heavens for a nearby really nice old guy who told me I needed a boober and a sinker for our spongebob fishing pole, lol! he set it up for us and even provided the worm, he he.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/29/08 04:28 PM
Starshine in infidelity posted this powerful verse, I dont' remember reading it before but it makes sooooooo much sense:

Proverbs 6:32
But a man who commits adultry lacks judgement, whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away
Posted By: MissH Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/29/08 06:46 PM
That is a pretty powerful verse.
Posted By: shoeprincess Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/29/08 06:48 PM
Originally Posted By: cat03
Starshine in infidelity posted this powerful verse, I dont' remember reading it before but it makes sooooooo much sense:

Proverbs 6:32
But a man who commits adultry lacks judgement, whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away




AMEN ON THAT.
Posted By: Lissie Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/29/08 10:33 PM
Holy, Holy water. That verse makes you sit up straight doesn't it?

Good stuff.

You sound great sugar.
Posted By: Committed2Him Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/30/08 07:02 AM
cat,

Great to hear your "fish tales" about the ones you let get away \:\)

So glad you got to the point where you just enjoyed yourself. It gets easier to do and the happier you allow yourself to be, the more your kids sense your enjoyment. You win, they win and X misses out.

If you give your little ones ALL of you and a knowledge and love of God, they will come out of this ok. We've lost the ideal we all hoped for but we can make something really good out of the ashes and if God blesses it, it will amaze us!
Posted By: Committed2Him Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/30/08 01:36 PM
(Posted to lnf but need to share with you as well \:\) )

Happy Friday to you!

Expecting wonderous things today!! Birds are singing their praises, I still have my health and my kids love me unconditionally. Got food on the table, a roof over my head (for now) and I get to help people on my job on a daily basis, work with some loving and caring people...oh, and my Lakers won!

Indeed, it is a wonderful life!

Sincerely Yours,

George "C2H" Bailey
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/30/08 02:30 PM
thanks C2H \:\) God blesses us abundantly indeed.

I pitty stbx, he is really unable to enjoy the little things in life that after is said and done are what really matters: my little d5 telling me yesterday as I picked her up from sitter "I love u momma, thanks for picking me up" \:\)
It is my sweet s9, nope, s10 bday today, I can't believe it! he's 2 inches short of being my same height, such a tall boy, he came to my bed before walking the dog, and I prayed for him, it made me cry, I asked that God always protect him and that he never strays from his path, he has a heart of gold that boy.

Coincidentally it is stbx's b day too, I was debating whether to send him a one-line txt saying "happy bday" then again, I learned from MIL yesterday that he was having second thoughts about buying a place on my area because...get this: I might drive around his place and leave notes ...BUAHAAAHAA!!!! phlu--ease! even MIL told him "why she'd do such a thing? she doesn't want you!" (lol! can't believe she said that)
I think I'll settle for calling and having the kids wish him a happy bday, but I bet he'll let it go to vm when he sees it is me calling, whatever.
I will always encourage the kids to wish him a happy bday and happy father's day even though he didn't call me nor had the kids give me nothing for mothers day. I had the kids pick a funny bday card, both of them will sign it.

Sadly enough he won't talk to his mom, she made the mistake of calling one night during work hrs constantly to tell him about a good deal on a house, he had left his cell at ow's (later he told me he left it at his appt) and apparently it woke her up the entire time. He was furious, he got nasty with his mom on the phone, they both said each of them wanted an apology from one another (I'm betting MIL is telling the truth on this one). Because of this, he told MIL NOT to call him on his bday, can you believe that?? she told me she was hurt beyond words, she wanted to take him out for his bday and give him his gift, but he wont' talk to her.
She is absolutely sure ow is trying to alienate him from her and his sister (he wont' pick up her calls either, she just wants to give him his bday present)

That just blew me away, I know MIL has issues and used the water works on him lots (she can barely walk due to a bad lung disease, is widowed and has no other family around, and also has emotional issues) but to tell her not to call? that is just cruel cruel cruel.

Ok, will shut up now. Leaving early today to take s10 out and tomorrow will go to a carnival after church for the rest of the day, it should be fun \:\) God is good.
Posted By: cat03 Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/30/08 04:35 PM
just got my "healed withou scars book" and the intro alone is great, can't wait to read the rest:

Three men found themselves in a very uncomfortable place--a fiery furnace. It was a situation that should have ended their existence, but somehow they survived. At the very least the experience should have left them emotionally and physically scarred. The evidence of this experience should have been obvious to everyone around them, yet it wasn't. Why?

Shadrach,Meshack, and Abednego survived because God was literally in the midst of their experience. Because of this vital factor, they emerged from the furnace with their identities, self-esteem, and emotions apparently unaffected, with no evidence of this negative past upon them.
Posted By: DiDi Re: The wheel of fortune - 05/30/08 05:20 PM
Happy B-day to S10!!!!!!!

You sound wonderful Cat))))))))))))
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