Its been a year since our seperation and I have not yet met the OW.
My girls are having thier annual ballet recital and STBX wants to bring his 'new family'.
We have yet to go to our first court hearing. We arent even 'legally" seperated. The girls could care less if the OW is there and H is making fuss about wanting OW there.
Says he will do whatever it takes to get extra tickets.
I only get a certain # of tickets per family.
I dont think I am asking too much by telling him I undertand she is part of his life but until the D is final I dont want her included in MY family's events.
Does anyone think I am being unreasonable?
He tells me to get over it and get use to it.
HUH!!
We are emailing back and forth about this and my response was I am use to it obviuosly when I turned you down sexually.
I then told him ,hmmm... maybe I should take this opportunity to tell your OW about your sexual advances.
don't play dirty (I know...I always want to too)
but
this is your family's event
I would say
sorry Charlie
she can go when the divorce is final
and
I wouldn't email any more
you will be getting the tickets
if some other parent wants to sell them his
or he someone gets them
not your deal
you told him how you feel and he isn't getting yours
and
I would like a long island iced tea please!!!
Thanks Fig!
Here is your drink!
I know that if I told Ow about his sexual advances she prolly would think I am trying to get them to break up before the D....
yup
it would backfire
besides
it woul dbe better to save that one and use it later
like when she is trying tobe all buddy buddy and callsyou for advise (puke for real they do) and then you could relate it back to that incident and when she dropsher jaw, you can make your eyes all big and innocent and say
oh...I thought for sure he told you
gosh
I'm sorry
(boink boink boink with the eyes)
ditto, you would only look as the mad woman H is prob making out of you.
Ok, OK evryones in agreement just as I thought...
no need to waste time with the homewrecker..
she will get her's in time
One day she will wake up and realize she wants a man and what she got isnt a real man..
By then she will have racked up her good credit by putting evrything on her name (what he wants) like her new townhome & then he will move on to the next victim..
not my promblem anymore
The PIG has AGAIN tried to have sex w/ me!!
Yesturday I called him to make sure he wasnt getting off early to pick up the girls b/c I was looking at a rental house and he was as sweet as can be...flirting majorly saying he was gonna take me and to "be ready" all of this after he seemed ooh so concerned for me to find the right house and "OH honey"...did I jsut call you honey?
He did throw me on the bed and tried really really hard..he kissed me, BUT ..HELLO?? I felt NOTHING!! YEAH!
He had to "get off" by himself...poor guy
I kept asking why?? I said this body doesnt belong to u no more...thats why you have HER!!
He said yeah but let me see what color is your bra...
Before all of this he was telling me maybe it would best if I save money and stay w/ my mom for a little while.
We are closing on our house this Tuesday. I have to stay w/ mom (UGH) (overly crowded) b/c Im not getting any child support.
I was asking STBX what si the hhold up for our first court hearing & he said he's been trying to get a hold of his attorney for weeks. So finally he got a hols of her yesturday and she will send me a letter about my hearing @ the end of this month, but STBX said he doesnt have to go???
Did I miss something? Why aren't you getting any child support?
And he's an a$$. I am glad you turned the cake eater down!
Trip,
Its nothing new I havent been getting any cs b/c a year ago when he left & I thought he would be coming back (dbng & all)...I told him I was fine as long as he kept paying the mortgage.
Well, I havent been fine sometimes there is no food in the house.
I filed w/ CS back in December and still nothing , this after his employer got the papers from CS in January. I called CS the other day & they said they hadnt gotten back the papers from his job. They asked me for his new address and I gave it to them.
I think his job is covering up for him..its just like them.
He now says that until the judge asking the cs, he will "try" to give me $200/wk, now that he wont have to pay on the house anymore..whatever.
Our handy man who did the fixer uppers told me,he may not know him but he knows STBX will definately regret it later.
I can almost feel it...karma..its coming....
JOURNALING update:
Remember, STBX attempted sex again thsi past friday? Well, last night D10 said that night OW & him were fighting for maybe about an hour long, late the girls were in bed. OW's D11 started to cry and OW talked to her and calmed her down. OW heard my D10 ask her what they were fighting about and she told her D not to tell my D. I dont know if this hurt my D's feelings or if she really was just missing me but she told me she sat in her bed crying b/c she was missing me. I told her whatever time it is she can always call me.My D said all she heard was them saying F U word back & forth.
Hmmmm..... all is not so rosy in pradise & this after their annual honeymoon get away which btw he lied to me saying he went back home (carrabean) to see his dad, liar..liar, I knew he was lying...This is OW's cruise? annual vacation, she took him to last year, but htis time it included our home country.This hurt a bit. H & I never were able to get away like that w/out the kids.
And why does he want sex w/ me before and after the honeymoon, didnt he get enough??
I wouldn't let that man get near you again, he's really messed up up there. I feel bad for yor d10 though, to be in the middle of their mess, hope she doesnt' stay long with them.
Yeah thanks cat,
I guess I forget that since I dont haev to deal w/ his mess everyday..
I did like how his kisses no longer make me feel good, as I kept my mouth shut tight, he 'ordered' me to kiss him, blah..
Chicki-
Hi and hugs... I think that you, me, Cat03 and Wonder married brothers...
My court case is up on May 12, up until two weeks ago the man was still trying to get sex from me...!!!!!
He started all of this !
If you get a chance, read my thread...
HUGS to you.
*Ever*
Ever-
Are they just sickos??
I couldnt find your thread, where is it?
Hi Chicki,
Not sickos. MONSTERS.
Anywho... Everhopeful is my name. I have no idea how to link, if you find me let me know...
*Ever*
Yep, H has said he wanted to be with me but hasn't done one thing to change what I would've wanted. For instance, giving up chatting with women and being in touch with his other women. Yes more than one OW! In fact, many over the years. I was married to a serial cheater. So, I really don't think he would change. It's not like he had some one night stand or just one affair(not that I am making light of just one if that is what happens because one is enough). He has a problem. Anyhow, he doesn't see that changing things before being with me is what I wanted or needed so forget it. Besides, he still lies about so many things that I don't think I could ever know what is the truth from him any longer.
He has said that when I cut him off completely, he got frightened that he would never have the chance to see or speak to me again and that is what made him decide to get in contact. Personally, I think he was just scared to lose the house. LOL!
Anyhow, there is of course, tonnes to my story but the gist is when I stayed away and really let him go, that is when he reached out. That is very scary for a lot of people to do here and yeah, you could still not be together but I believe it does help with some sort of closure to have them apologize and see that it wasn't really all you after all. The blame game is so easy to fall on when you are in each other's sight. Not so easy when the crutch is gone.
Its been several months so heres an update:
I finally moved out of my moms and into my own place.
We went to the court mandated mediator since STBX will not budge on some things.
I think it sucks that child support dosent take into consideration overtime & bonuses. H's bonuses especially at the end of the year have been as high as $6000.00!
If u guys remember, I dont have an attorney & I had signed our agreement a year ago in which I waived over my rights on just about evrything (dumb, I know) I then didnt seek any advice and was just ready to get it over with. I didnt ask for any alimony or any of his 401K. SInce then I learned my rights and changed my mind.
The mediator seperated us into different rooms and went over each page. She asked me if I wanted any alimony and if I knew his attorney would tell him to take it(only asked for $100 a month for 3 years) I would of asked for more and then worked myself way down. I figured it will cover my health insurance premium @ work. I asked the mediator if STBX argued it & she said he barked a little & then his attorney told him to take it.
I still wished for more CS, but I am glad it will cover my rent and some of my utilities.
STBX still wouldnt let go of his 401K so we have to return to pre trial for ONLY that. People tell me he will prolly lose on that, God I hope so. His 401K is his 'baby'. I asked for the standard 50%. I dont have enough on my retirement (not had it long enough).
All is good though. Life is terrific right now.
Question- to those who have kids and share summer vacations in the same state or local area-
How do u do it? At first STBX asked for 4 weeks(per our agreement, I forgot it stated that) but I didnt want to be seperated for so long from them so I said two weeks. I will get them on my regular schedule weekend(this weekend). Is this how it is normally done? STBX says he will need the break and asked me twice to make sure I was getting them. My mom thinks its dumb why not let him have them for the enitre two weeks. I dont know, but next year I will definatley let him have them for the entire 4 weeks. I am actually enjoying my free time, especially not having to make three stops to drop them off before going to work, plus I'm still unpacking.
OH.. and he still trying very hard to score sexually w/ me??? I guess the dog in him will never die.
chicki--
So glad to hear from you!!
I'm not sure about the vacation...we each have 2 weeks which doesn't have to be all at once. For me, I couldn't be without my kids for 2 weeks straight. Sounds like something you can work out details with each other about, though, if it isn't outlined in the agreement. Or, bring it up during the last of the mediation (unforseen circumstances).
And you wouldn't put up with sexual harassment at work; why does he think he can get away with it with you? Tell him you'd rather not have to get a restraining order....
I am so happy to hear this:
All is good though. Life is terrific right now.
Was wondering where you were at. Thanks for the update.
Thanks for the welcome gals!
Update:
Well, I finally met the OW!
I felt a little hurt @ first b/c she is real pretty, unlike those u hear about affairing down.
BUT, I quickly did not let that get me down..why? b/c I fweel so much better about myself I told myself never again will I let another person get me down or feel bad about myself like STBX use to do.
I feel more sorry than anything for OW b/c he will be always be looking for the next best thing or the next pretty face to continue cheating on her just as he is still trying to get me to have sex w/ him.
One day she will catch him w/ the next OW.
This is the first time he has the girls for so long(2 weeks), so it was my regular scheduled weekend (& a break for him as he called it). It was the 1st time I went to their home and so I knew I would meet her. I stayed in the car as she walked up and I lowered my window and she extended her hand & said that it was about time we finally met. I agreed w/ a big smile ( even though I would prefer never meeting her at all).
When it was time to drop them off , I intentionally (he he) dressed for the kill (as per Michelle's advice, for fun). I wore a really tight cute bright purple top and form fitting jeans. Mind you I have lost close to twenty pounds. Well, I got out to let the kids out and noticed STBX was checking me out, looking at my smaller belly & staring at my chest.
Quick rewind-
I have a new guy freind who at first thought I was ready to date but then now realized I am enjoying my new alone time/ life.
Well, one day when STBX was to drop them off, he called last minute to meet half way and I had this guy over helping me w/ my recent move and moving furniture around. I told ex this that a guy was over and he suggested(angrily) that I either bring him or send him home. My freind laughed & rememberd when I told him STBX braught OW to the last drop off for the first time. So my friend said "two can play this game", do u want me to come w/ u? I thought about it and said sure what the heck! We went in his truck and STBX stayed in the car the entire time, unlike his small chit chat he quickly rushed out of there w/out even a hello to me..
After that its been threats of him not giving me my cs (before we went to court) emails w/ the same 'ol comment of my 'new family'. SO on this last drop off he told me not to bring my "BF" and threatning not to pay me.. he is so revengeful.
I am now another statistic:(
My divorce is official now......
Ex and I arrived for our pre trial to settle one last issue- his 401k which he didnt want to give any of to me..
As the both of us walked side by side towards the judge's chambers he looked up @ me w/ the saddest face ive seen in along time..i was upbeat and trying hard not to show how I really felt.
I could tell he was very nervous as he couldnt even sit down , I asked several times to sit down b/c he was making me nervous by standing. He showed me how hsi clothes are big and that he has lost 20 lbs due to me?? Says I was stressing HIM out..HA! Its the other way around buddy, but his only real stress isnt the D its the$ he has to part with..
I was trying to lighten up the mood by joking around and telling him, 'So r u ready to start this all over again ?...Getting married agian to her? As I was all smiles and laughing and making the motions of pulling in the tight leash that he knows his GF has him on... He said' your loving this arent you'? As he answered by repeating NO, NO! Then tells me he was planing not not going back to work afterwards.
As the judge quickly skimmed our old agreement he got frustrated and his face surely showed it as he said "this agreement was signed back in May of '07??"
AHHHH.... i was loving it as the look on ex and his attorneys face dropped....b/c his attorney started the entire discussion by saying how I entered in a legal & binding settlement that I was now changing my mind on. when it was my turn to talk I explained how I felt pressured at the time from my ex to sign & how I did not have any legal repersentation and did nto not know I was waiving my rights away.
THe judge said he was going to go into his office until all three of us came to an agreement & that if we didnt agree right then & there that he would tear up the current agreement & we would start from scracth all over again! Another Ahhhhhh moment!!! Priceless.. the look on his face.......
His attorney said 'Ok we dont want to have to start all over again w/ attorney fees and more court dates do we'? No! he said.
After barking a little bit he finally agreed to give me half.
I ran out of there as fast as I could felt my emotions cacthing up w/ me. I thought God I am really divorced!!
I didnt want him to see the tears starting to come..
I had a feeling he was going to call me..just as my phone rang... I didnt feel like fighting b/c I knew he was angry about the 401K so when I answered I said dont yell @ me or else Im not talking to u. He said dont yell @ me were not married anymore as he called me ms----by my maiden name. He asked if I had left the parking lot already...(I was trying to hide my teary voice)...he was also teary! But when he realized Iwas crying he stopped and said dont cry....God I hope he doesnt think I was crying b/c I was hoping he would of backed out of the D....I told him I wuld let him go I couldnt talk then..
I had a good cry when I got home then I did shopping therapy.
To those recently divorced......when does this empty feeling go away???
I thought I was stronger than this....
((((chicki)))))
Don't worry the worst IS over. I know that it took me a few days of grieving when the divorce finally hit, but I think that we do so much grieving beforehand, that this is more of an adjustment period than an "episode". I'm not saying that from time to time something won't trigger a memory and you won't feel down or weepy, because you will, and that's ok, even healthy.
I bet that the last couple of months the worry about your financial future has taken up most of your emotion. Now that that's settled, the getting used to actually being a divorced person takes over. Scary isn't it? Luckily for us, without all of the financial worries we can start to truly move forward.
So chicki it's ok to feel the sadness. If you're having a bad night come here so we can all give you the business and help you through it!
Love,
Bethie
not there yet, (D wont' be filed til Jan 09) but sending hugs, it was a very hard day for you and you just need to take care of yourself, you've gone over the worst part, now comes the healing, pamper yourself a bit and make plans for your new life hon))))
Thanks gals!!
One of my girls asked that what does being divorced mean now, will daddy no longer be my dad?
I said no, it just means that daddy can now marry his GF or anyone else he wants.
She said "Well, mommy I dont think he will marry her b/c your much prettier than her and thats why he married you"....
Gosh, I can always count on my girls to make me feel good...
Journaling:
Will I ever learn?
I wanted ex to know why the tears over the phone after court..I wanted him to know that I didnt have any false hope of him turning it around...I wanted him to know that I felt a little sting of hurt for the reality of it all..
Boy, am I glad I didnt tell him that.
He is sooo angry and bitter, he wont see any of that b/c hes head is so clouded right now..
He doesnt understand why I am getting ANY alimony which BTW I only asked for $100/mo for 3 yrs..Yeah not anything really. He says why should I get any of his retirement b/c I work too and I can save like him... I expalined alimony includes time off work for bearing children. The last two I was on bedrest from the start and then a hysterectomy...
I told him I could have asked for more (but w/out an attorney I think I did fine by myself).
Why do these men think they can just walk away after 10yrs M and leave nothing?
He says No, he's not bitter...
I told how now I am finding myself again & that people who go from one relationship to the next w/out any down time only carry their promblems over instead fixing themselves first.
I'm glad I'm no longer losing myself for someone else.
I had lost myself in the role of wife and mother so much I forgot who I was...
His OW is in the exact same positon I was 10yrs ago...
She is ten yrs younger than Ex & I, just baught her first house, has good credit & only one child of whom they can pawn off to her mother whenever they go on huneymoons to the islands...
Ex and I never got to go anywhere exotic or anywhere just the two of us b/c of the 3 kids....
But all is GOOD..GOD is good and I will be fine..heck been fine all this time..
I have worked on me and loving life once more.
Journaling:
Hi how is evryone? Nothing much here, just getting my papers ready to hire the attorney for my half of x's retirement. God knows how much I need it to get out of this hole of debts...
I picked up my girls last nite and OH! I just love it when I hear that its not all paradise w/ hsi GF!! Yippee.. the very first thing they all started to tell me was that daddy & her got into a huge fight & thats why they were @ their auntie's house.
They said they were all upstairs and still could hear them fighting & then they went into the gargae to continue & the girls still could hear them. GF's daughter went down & when she returned told my girls (crying) that X was slapping her in the face and the daighter was saying that she was gonna call the police cuz that her mommy was the only one she had & what woudl she do if she were to die..... SO SAD.......
SO....X's anger issues continue & will be the same until he gets help...as I predicted.
The girls said daddy had taken his work clothes w/ him & said maybe they will not be living there in the next two weeks.
Im sure X was only trying to scare GF by taking his clothes.
I doubt he will leave or that she will let him go so easily...
She is so needy I bet she will put up w/ him & he knows he can get away w/ it.
He is still living there for free, so why leave and have to split bills w/ a freind? I remember way back in the beginning X mentioned the only reason he was staying there was cuz he didnt have to pay her anything... Oh well...
Oh well...Im just living my life the best I can. Having second thoughts about my changing my last name, just mixed feelings.
Hi chicki,
Sounds as if "Daddy" sure painted himself into a corner didn't he? I don't mean to make fun of him because if really is sad. Look how many people he's taking down with him.
You on the other hand sound as if you see things for what they are. Just do the best job you can for you and you children. You'll never regret how you fought for them!
Love,
Bethie
Hey Bethie!
Thanks for your encouragement!
One of the girls said very excited, 'maybe daddy can move back in w/ us"!
I said NO! Your daddy needs to live alone for a while, he really needs God in his life.
He is such a control freak, on Friday after I dropped them off, 30 minutes later my D11 called me and he asked her why r we talking again since I just dropped them off!! UGh....
I told her she can call me anytime and dont feel scared or bad about it.
Its a shame she D11 esp. hates going over there, says GF daughter is real bossy & she cant say anything to daddy for fear he will get mad @ her and cuz the daughter watches them to see if the will be a "snitch". I explained they are free to tell their dad anything they want. They tell me this but X beleives they all get along and therefore I will not say anything to him anymore for he thinks I make it all up.
I guess kids never lose hope of their parents reuniting...
Hi Chicki,
This worries me:
They said they were all upstairs and still could hear them fighting & then they went into the gargae to continue & the girls still could hear them. GF's daughter went down & when she returned told my girls (crying) that X was slapping her in the face and the daighter was saying that she was gonna call the police cuz that her mommy was the only one she had & what woudl she do if she were to die..... SO SAD.......
This isn't a healthy environment for your girls...or
anyone!If it were me I wouldn't subject my children to that.
SG
Chicki--
I am a mandated reporter for child abuse. Now, I know that your x didn't hit your kids...did he ever hit you? Has he ever hit them?
You might want to tell him that if you do hear him hitting them that the Department of Child Services will have to be called in.
This woman should not be subjecting herself to this abuse. And it is a terrible example for your kids to witness. They should never think that this is normal and acceptable behavior, and I think any judge would go right to supervised visits if they caught wind of ex's behavior.
You are right, in that this is another example of his dangerous need to control - through money, sex, contact with friends and between you and your kids, etc.
Talk to an IC; you can even find someone at the kids' school. They can help you with this. So can a local women's shelter (they might even have a L who agrees on low or no-cost representation).
I am glad that you came back to post. You were missed.
Are you on the alternate universe thingy?
Donna,
In the first few years our M was pretty violent. I became more insecure as his verbal abuse kept bringing down & therefore I became a doormat. Shortly after one physical violent incident, I started to see the light and got courage to take up for myself and the kids.
He learned? to 'control' his behavior for some time, but eventually his temper would get the best of him.
X needs lots of therapy.
He is continuing w/ his control antics and will continue to destroy his R, but unfortunatley it seems this girls is willing to put up w/ it and her kid will suffer.
I am glad my girls dont have to live w/ this on a day to day basis, but no one can MAKE him get help.
oops!
I am wating for my cs check to come in. X told me they started to take it out this week, but neither of us knows how it will come to me?
Does it come by mail?
How long does it take??
here in mn it goes through the county and you get likea debit type card that it goes on
it took a couple of months for me to start to see stuff
and
that was about how long it lasted
but anyway
that is how they do it here
Thanks Fig
I just called the courts & she is calling the IRS dept b/c for some reason they only have one daughter listed of my 3 & NO OTHER info!!
Which I know how much for he has been giving me it..UGH!!!
I wonder if it would of been better that I had it written on our divorce decree that he could have it deposited automatically into my checking.
I live in Florida hope its better the lady did say normally it takes only a few days after he gets paid.
Good luck with everything, chicki!
Whoo!
Talked & gave her X's ss# to look up another way & lo & behold there it was! She was looking at my other pending case when I openend it back in dec!
Thanks trip!
Trip & everyone else get yr 2x4 ready........
I knew if X continued to be persistent in getting me to have sex w/ him, I would, so I did & not so much out of me wanting it, that sucks.....I dont know why I did.... more than one occasion.
The last time, I told him no that we were finished w/ this and to leave me alone.
He has been really nice,kinda looking for reasons to come in the house. He lingers on long after he drops the kids or before he takes them. He fixes things now w/out my asking for his help AND he doesnt complain about it like he used to??
I just dont know.....
I dont want to get back w/ him, I dont like that man anymore.
I dont miss the sex either.
I felt sorry for him.
Whats wrong w/ me??
No responses??
I do want to point out that I am loving my freedom and no longer feel the NEED for X.
I love the peace @ home and no longer walking on eggshells.
Should I just treat this as "having fun" like he says??
I will be then the OW.
After were done I dont feel a thing , neither good or bad.
I no longer see it as being "connected".
I dont know .....
Chicki, if it was just "having fun" to you then you wouldn't be asking for our thoughts. I think you know the answer here, he's using you to get his jollies and you're thinking you're better off because life is more peaceful this way. You're not valuing yourself, Chicki. I would suggest you look at why? I know how hard it is when the person you've loved forever rips your heart out and makes you feel worthless, it does things to your head and your self esteem. Maybe, it's making you accept the crumbs he tosses at you as just a little bit of affirmation. I would suggest that if you don't want to continue then don't give him opportunity. Make him wait outside for the kids, lock the bedroom door, whatever works!
Good luck with it.
Chicki, I've never posted to you but did read this thread as best I could. Some random thoughts off the top of my head:
- This guy could be carrying STDs since he's been fooling around on you. (Condoms if you are using them aren't foolproof.)
- If he's a control freak, this might be his way of weasling himself back into your life, especially (I don't know) if his OW dumped him.
- Guys who mentally, verbally, emotionally, or physically abuse women are slick. This is a pretty quick turn-around for him to be "nice" and looking for reasons to come back. From my perspective, it looks like he thinks you are a pushover.
Nothing is wrong with you. However, this is just a few months after all of the troubles that I read about. You are "addicted" to this man...I don't mean that in a bad way because there are a number of biological and chemical reactions that happen when we bond with someone and fall in love with them that do cause a type of "withdrawal" when we end a relationship--these are part of being a human being. But you seem unable to break your need or want of him. You have to do that. You have to become emotionally and mentally strong. Has he been through counseling or therapy? Has he expressed remorse for the things he's done in the past? If not, then don't let him back.
That's just my two cents. I divorced a whack job who became an addict and became pretty verbally abusive. This is time to take care of you and to heal your heart and your soul.
Why cant I just get to a point where I can hate X??
I think my love language is acts of service b/c whenever X does things for me, ie, fix things especially w/out complaining and out of his free will and happily so.....I just melt.....
Last nite he spent his entire time (weekly visit) fixing the girls tv (once more). He attempted to fix it w/out the tv techs help as I was on hold for the dishnetwork's tech. Then the tech went thru the steps w/ us as I was telling X what to do.
X was obviously very tired from work.
I was appreciative. SO much so I wanted him physically...I know bad, bad me. I dont know if he could tell, but when it was time for him to leave, I ducked out of his way, hoping he wouldnt notice the look on my face & just say goodbye to only the girls.So, I went to the back patio to finish some laundry and he followed me there saying what r u doing, Im leaving...UGH.
I know and I dont want us back together, we both still have alot of growing to do & I dont want more of his controlling ways.
It doesnt help that D11 told me that daddy told them not to say anything to me or OW, but he showed them where he wanted to live (apart) from OW & asked them what they thought if he lived there by himself.
He really does need that down time alone from me and from OW. D11 wants so badly for him to be away frm OW. She cant stand to be over there on his weekends, says she doesnt like OW daughter and wishes daddy lived alone so it can be just the four of them.
Just my 2 cents, and counseling helped me tremendously with this...but I would say you need to cut off all contact w/ X and build some FIRM boundaries. No contact will allow you to get clear on who he is and how he is treating you. No contact will allow you to grow strong without him and find ways to cope on your own. His visits w/ the girls don't really have to involve you.
If you do this, and give it time, you will be amazed at what you can do and accomplish and feel w/o X. But you need to give it time.
A BOB can help w/ the loneliness. (boyfriend on batteries)
You need to love YOURSELF and then get clear and strong. This is how you can grow.
Your advice about him needing down time alone away from you and OW goes equally well for you.
Again, just 2 cents,
SG
Thanks SG,
Yes, I totally agree. We were seperated for a year and during that time I was doing all so well esp when I put the stop of all intimacy.
I was doing sooo good w/ detachment up until here recently.
I had started to date ( mostly to distract myself and not for anything seriuos).
Gosh, I was the one who pushed him to get the D over w/ since I couldnt afford my own attorney.
He knew of one guy I was seeing for a little while and was even jealous b/c he felt we(me & the kids) prolly had a new famliy.
I had to break that off cuz I want ready for serious R but the guy was.
I beleive the reason he needs alone time is b/c he went straight from me to another R. In that sense its a diff kind of growing, to get to know yrself again. But gosh darn it he has to show me his nice self again...
Ya know I dont even masturb- soooo I dont know about a BOB. Just dont think it will do the same? Well...I might have to.
OH!
Another thing, when he takes the girls on his weeknites, he NEVER stays at the house, last nite was just that he was helping getting the tv fixed. Also, he use to stay inside the car and wait for the girls and now he comes to the door both when picking them up and after? He seems to sometimes linger on, kinda like I asked myself dont u want to go home?
I know the short leash OW has him on is really getting on his nerves.
Chicki...
Bob is good!
SG gave you a lot of good advice.
One more: don't worry about putting your energy into hating him cause that will only turn you into a sour, unlovable person. That will make any relationship you have difficult (to say the least). Put that energy into YOU...that will make any relationship you have wonderful!
Your right!
I said that b/c I have a freind hwo told me that I MUST get to the point of hating him???
I dont know of anyone that I HATE?
How could you possibly try to be more Christlike and have hate in your heart???
I've seen what being bitter and unloveable can do to person -X.
I dont want that, I want to be the best example for my precious daughters who look up to me to their everything.
For the longest time I was angry at X. Then I felt sorry for him. Now I feel indifferent. I have to say, it is SO freeing. I don't worry about him, think about him, waste any time on him what so ever. You'll get there!
SG
Your right!
I said that b/c I have a freind hwo told me that I MUST get to the point of hating him???
I dont know of anyone that I HATE?
How could you possibly try to be more Christlike and have hate in your heart???
I've seen what being bitter and unloveable can do to person -X.
I dont want that, I want to be the best example for my precious daughters who look up to me to their everything.
Amen!
I didn't ever get to the point of hating my ex. I was terribly angry at him.
Holding on to anger, resentment, any negative feeling does make a person bitter and keeps them from really living in the now. I know as long as I was angry with my ex, I was tied to the past with the crazy "what-if" thinking. How can you have an enjoyable life with that kind of weight in your heart?
journaling
I had a nice long weekend, took thurs & friday off, stuff to do that should of been done yrs ago, like take my car for in for two recalls.
Took the girls to go see the Blue Angels, air show, lots of fun & I thought we might of ran into X since it was on his side fo town, but TG we didnt.
Thursday nite as we met for the kid drop off he noticed I was sort of dressed nice and he mad the comment (once more) to the girls- Mommy has a date she's all drerssed up. UGH I made no comment. It really is of no business of his. I know he was waiting for a confirmation of if I was or not, I just smiled and left, as he made a nasty jesture /w his mouth of a BJ.
When he dropped them back, he told me 'wipe my mouth, u still have stuff'.... Its better if I leave it as be or else he thinks he sucked me back into his drama. This way by me ignoring him, he leaves my home quicker. Back in the day I would assure him I wasnt ready to date adn I think he expecting me to continue.
Gosh, he sure didnt linger around this time, I guess I have to keep making him beleive this so his 'nice niceness', then wanting to jump my bones hopefuly stops. He left in a hurry and somewhat pissy??
Hopefully he will get to see I am really trying to stop having those sexual encounters w/ him, I told him last time that we are now D and this part of my life is over. The look on his face of disbelieve?
Anyways, hope ya'll had a good weekend!
ICK!!!!! What a nasty jerk he is! Good job not letting him manipulate you.
Hey, Andabelle thanks for stopping by and for your input!
Yeah he thinks he is being funny when he's like that, I no longer laugh, its gotten really old.
I don't know chicki, that man does not sound like someone to aspire to. I know this is the DB site, but I don't see a whole lot to respect in him.
When he dropped them back, he told me 'wipe my mouth, u still have stuff'....
This is not how a man should talk to a woman. This is not respect. This man is toxic. Stay away from him.
Yeah he thinks he is being funny when he's like that, I no longer laugh, its gotten really old.
It is not just old, it is toxic. You say it is "old" like you are no longer amused. But it was never amusing. You thought it so as a way to protect yourself. It is harassment. In a marriage, it is called abuse. You have been so close to it for so long, you don't realize how toxic it is. You seem think it is just part of the atmosphere, but it is not. You seem to accept it as just part of life. You should not accept this.
Can you not say, "Look, I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. I want you to stop talking to me that way and stop making those gestures. It's not funny, and it's not acceptable. "
Follow up immediately with a written communication, either email or in the mail. It should state that you no longer welcome any of his comments of a sexual nature, during kid exchanges. In the written document, be specific about what he said and did that you find unacceptable. example:
You said, "wipe your mouth, you still have stuff." I do not wish to hear these comments from you any longer. You also made a gesture simulating a sexual act. I do not wish to see this around the children. State clearly that you insist that he
restrain himself (use that specific word) from making these unwelcome comments and gestures. State that you hope he can respect your wishes.
Save a copy of the written communication. I'll bet if you asked your divorce attorney, s/he would write this up for you free of charge.
And after you give him the clear message that you will not accept it - The next time he does something like this (and he will do it again) say nothing, but shut the door (calmly) in his face, or turn around and quietly and calmly walk away. Act with strength and grace.
And then go to your local jurisdiction and file a formal, legal petition for protection from him. State in the petition that he has continued to harass you even after repeated requests that he stop. This is a hassle but it will work. It will stop the comments and gestures immediately.
Chicki,
Do not accept this for yourself any longer. Your daughter needs you to be strong and stop this now. You have lived in this poison for too long; teach your daughter that it is not acceptable, teach her how to stand up for herself with strength and grace.
He is not a man. He is a 12-year old who has no father to teach him right from wrong.
This is not about "Teaching him". There is no hope of that. IT is not about penalizing him. My suggestions are about getting you back to a point of self-respect, where you can recognize when someone is abusing you, and take appropriate action yourself to stop it. I am not suggesting you adopt a "victim" mentality, but instead a "victor" mentality. Own it. Stop the harassment now. Not with anger. With quiet strength.
SPM,
Your so right on.....
X is a master manipulator & I have often wondered how can he love me if he doesnt respect me. Do these two not go together?
Ive wondered if he is one of those so called women haters?
Once in the past I was trying to figure out if this thing he does was only towards me or if OW gets to see this side of him too. I think he is on his best behavior b/c like he told me before he lives there for free.
Last nite was another example.
He tends to arrive @ the house when Im in the kitchen cooking and frm where the kithchen is you cant see anything or hear when he is coming in. I asked the girls who let daddy in b/c divorced daddies need to stay outside, nope daddy let himself in.
I was cooking when he came up behind me tugging @ my hair so my head was facing up and then he covered my eyes for what seem a long time as I was telling him to let me go as I was cooking. I think he was about to kiss me when he whispered for me to kiss him & I said NO. He wanted sex and I said NO, told me ok your loss as he finally left after attempting several times for me to say ok.
Next time I wont be so nice, I really have to stand up to him a guess in a mean way for him to understsand Im serious.
SPM,
Your so right on.....
X is a master manipulator & I have often wondered how can he love me if he doesnt respect me. Do these two not go together?
Ive wondered if he is one of those so called women haters?
Once in the past I was trying to figure out if this thing he does was only towards me or if OW gets to see this side of him too. I think he is on his best behavior b/c like he told me before he lives there for free.
Last nite was another example.
He tends to arrive @ the house when Im in the kitchen cooking and frm where the kithchen is you cant see anything or hear when he is coming in. I asked the girls who let daddy in b/c divorced daddies need to stay outside, nope daddy let himself in.
I was cooking when he came up behind me tugging @ my hair so my head was facing up and then he covered my eyes for what seem a long time as I was telling him to let me go as I was cooking. I think he was about to kiss me when he whispered for me to kiss him & I said NO. He wanted sex and I said NO, told me ok your loss as he finally left after attempting several times for me to say ok.
Next time I wont be so nice, I really have to stand up to him a guess in a mean way for him to understsand Im serious.
chicki,
I am right there with SPM.... The BJ allusion and "wipe off your mouth" is so wrong....
If it were me, I would be a bit forward.... When ex mentions any sex act, I would say.... Sure, I am looking forward to that with my new wife.....
If ex kept asking for sex, I would say something like.... If you and I were still married and you were ACTUALLY faithful to me, we would ML anytime you wanted.... BUT, you chose to have an affair... So, all that pent up sexual energy will have to released when I marry again.... Poor guy... It will takes months to work it all out....
Not quite as "legal" as SPM's answer.... But, I think he'll get the picture....
Take Care,
RMG
Hi Chicki,
SirPrizeMe is absolutely correct here:
But it was never amusing. You thought it so as a way to protect yourself. It is harassment. In a marriage, it is called abuse. You have been so close to it for so long, you don't realize how toxic it is. You seem think it is just part of the atmosphere, but it is not. You seem to accept it as just part of life. You should not accept this.
When I read this how your X behaved I was so appalled I couldn't respond. I think the legal way SPM suggests to respond is also absolutely correct.
Please take these steps. The written component is important because it will document the abuse.
I guarantee that once you start setting firm clear boundaries you will start to heal and grow MUCH MUCH stronger.
You and your girls deserve so much better. And your girls deserve a role model of a mother who won't accept unacceptable behavior from anyone.
SG
Wow, I thought my STBX was the only one!!! Do they all go to a school or something about this?! I've made the same comment as someone else about serial cheater! If it was murder, he'd be on death row right now!!
Chicki, I'm so glad to see that you're doing so well without him and moving on. Way to go!!! I pray for the day when I'm able to as well. You are all inspirations!!!
I was cooking when he came up behind me tugging @ my hair so my head was facing up and then he covered my eyes for what seem a long time as I was telling him to let me go as I was cooking. I think he was about to kiss me when he whispered for me to kiss him & I said NO. He wanted sex and I said NO, told me ok your loss as he finally left after attempting several times for me to say ok.
Next time I wont be so nice,
Chicki, this is not ok.
get it in writing. Get it on letterhead from a legal firm. If your prior attorney won't do it, seek out a women's abuse group - they will have free legal counsel who will be glad to send out a letter to this effect:
It is not ok for him to ask you for sex.
It is not ok for him to ask you for a kiss.
It is not ok for him to come into the house.
It is not ok for him to touch your hair or cover your eyes.
It is unwanted and inappropriate and he needs to stop.
Usually I try to make suggestions or hints, but in this case I want to be more direct: Do what I suggest. See an attorney and get this letter sent out to him. Be specific in the letter. Do it. Don't delay.
I really have to stand up to him a guess in a mean way for him to understsand Im serious.
No: you do not have to be mean. you DO have to be firm and clear. It is not mean to say "NO." You do not have to yell at him, use foul language, raise your voice, call him names, or insult him. (any of which might be considered "mean".) In fact, any of those things will make your statement less effective. You need to be clear, and firm, and calm. State your desires verbally, and then follow up with a letter, clearly written, and specific.
I am all for reconciliation and restoration of marriages, even after divorce. But the reconciliation has to be based on mutual respect. He does not respect you, or your boundaries. This is not what you need. It is not healthy for you.
Seriously.
SPM,
I suggested my previous approach more as a "getting under" his skin approach... Not the most productive or effective approach... However, sometimes it just feels good to take a jab....
I think your approach is spot on here....
He does NEED to respect her boundaries....
RMG
I agree whole heartedly with what everyone has said. It is not OK for him to treat you this way. He does not respect you as a person. I've gone thru the same mess. He even was living with OW and cheating on her with me. His W!!! And I thought I was winning. But I was just causing myself more harm than good and he didn't care. He was getting sex. That's all that mattered to him. I was a sex toy to him.
My sister told me something several years ago that only recently makes sense. (weird cuz my sis was still a teenager when she told me this! and I'm older than her! lol) She said that she used to do everything she could to get a reaction out of me. She would call me names, pick on me, irritate me, you name it, she did it. And it would piss her off so bad because I never reacted the way she wanted me to. She wanted me to blow up at her. Cuz then she felt she had succeeded in what she was doing. But all I did was kill her with kindness. I was nice to her. I still did what I wanted to do, but I told her no in a nice way. And that pissed her off. She never got what she wanted. She never got that reaction she wanted. I just went on about my business like she wasn't even there. Drove her nuts!!!! But let me tell you when she left, I would go off about it to someone else!!!
I'm not saying do it just like that. Definitely state that what he is doing is not appropriate. Definitely follow up with a letter like the others have said. Not only to reconfirm what you have already said, because he is just thinking you're playing hard to get. But also because it gives you a paper trail. You need the paper trail in case anything is done later legally. But don't let him know he's getting to you. Do it after he leaves. He doesn't respect you. He will think he's winning if he sees a reaction.
She said that she used to do everything she could to get a reaction out of me. She would call me names, pick on me, irritate me, you name it, she did it. And it would piss her off so bad because I never reacted the way she wanted me to. She wanted me to blow up at her. Cuz then she felt she had succeeded in what she was doing. But all I did was kill her with kindness. I was nice to her. I still did what I wanted to do, but I told her no in a nice way. And that pissed her off. She never got what she wanted. She never got that reaction she wanted. I just went on about my business like she wasn't even there. Drove her nuts!!!! But let me tell you when she left, I would go off about it to someone else!!!
I can just imagine the dynamics. I can see this in my kids even now. But you know, when I read this story, I get the sense that the focal point was what the sister was feeling. For Chicki, that perspective is not relevant.
I'm not suggesting chicki maintain boundaries in order to affect her ex's feelings, or drive him crazy, or piss him off. I'm suggesting she take action to protect herself, to strengthen herself, to be right with herself. I don't really care about the guy who is harassing he;, whether he is po'd or not is not my concern, and I don't think, at this point, it should be chicki's concern.
This is about Chicki and her ability to say NO to things that are not healthy.
---
Having said that,
having sex with your ex - or "cheating" with your ex - is a different topic. I wouldn't rule it out in all cases. I can totally see that in some cases it would be unhealthy and wouldn't feel right for the left-behind-spouse. On the other hand there are scenarios where it would be not on very effective in DBing, but also healthy and nurturing for the spouses, if done in an atmosphere of respect.
And I know, all this mumbo jumbo about respect and boundaries - it all sounds like B.S. - we're talkin about sex here! Doin' the deed! Having some fun between the sheets! But respectful interactions don't mean "no fun". People can be sexual and playful and respectful, all at the same time.
ps: Confused, "Finding Nemo" is one of my FAVORITE movies.
I know Sir....I might not have explained it right....what I meant was...don't worry about him. Just continue living like he's not there, even tho he's trying his hardest and everything. Just continue living her life. Because that's what I was doing while my sister was playing her games. To me, it wasn't a game. It's just what I did. I had no clue she considered it part of her game until she pointed it out to me.
So to bring into Chicki's sitch...to him, it's a game. To chicki, it's just living her life like he doesn't matter.
Regarding the sex, it's a game to him. It's a way to control her. He obviously doesn't wanna relationship with her or else he wouldn't be with OW. It's just free sex. Whenever he wants it. Not all sitchs are the same. But that's how it is in mine. He got it from OW when he wanted when living with me. He got it from me when he wanted it when he was living with OW. Yeah, sex is fun, it's great. But if he's with OW and still getting sex from me, it's not respectful in any way, shape or form. And I feel that as long as he's with OW, he's not trying to build on any type of relationship with me. Ya know?
I know it took me a long time to realize this and I may say it bluntly...but when sex is involved pertaining to exspouses, it's very tricky. You have a bond with each other. And it's especially hard for the LBS regarding emotions. Whereas, for the WAS, it's very easy. It's a control issue. They know they can control you regarding sex. But that's all it is. It took me forever to realize that. I thought we were building our R because sex brings us closer. But he wouldn't stick around after, he would get up after alittle bit, get dressed and go home to her. And then the next time he saw me, it would happen again. He was controlling me. He was a cake eater. And it sounds like her X is the same way. If he respected her at all, especially regarding sex, he wouldn't be making inappropriate gestures to her about BJ's. And the same if he respected any type of R with her.
Right now, he sees her as a sex toy. He can try and try and try and finally she'll give in and he can win that battle and go back home. He doesn't care about whatever emotions might go thru her head before, during or afterwards. It's just sex.
And that's fine and dandy if that's all you want. But if you're trying to move on and have a healthy life and future R's, the sex has to stop. Because as long as you keep doing it with that person, the longer that person has control of you and the longer it's going to take you to accomplish another healthy R and healthy life.
Again, I'm sorry for my bluntness. And maybe it's because mine went on like that for so long and I'm very passionate about protecting yourself and your emotions that I'm like that.
btw, Sir...Nemo is awesome! Isn't funny how these 'KID' movies have so many things adults can pull from them to use in their own lives! lol I love disney movies!
Confused,
Now I'm very intersted in yr stich. So,I may have quite a few questions for you.
Your H sounds very much as controlling as my X.
So I understand your not D yet?
X has been 'doing nice things' lately like fixing things w/ out my asking (unlike him) & not complaining afterwards (very unlike him). Then a few weeks ago D11 tells me daddy showed them the apartments he wants to move into (byhimself) w/out OW. He didnt want the girls to tell me or OW.
Can you tell me how long did u continue having sex w/ him though he still lived w/ OW? I stoped once the D was final. Now I only pity him, but sometimes its hard to turn him down, temptation & all. I have been turning him down good so far.
Hey Chicki...didn't mean to highjack your thread.
He filed back in Feb and dismissed it in Aug. Refiling today. He initially left last Aug. We started a 'friends with benefits' R middle of Oct. 2 weeks later, I found out about OW he was living with. He came back home. Left 2 weeks later. I went to another state to visit my family for 2 months in Dec. He came and got us end of Jan. Left 2 weeks later. Sex started again in April, he came back home in May, left 2 weeks later. Same day he left, he came back begging to take him back, I made him leave. Sex again in July, he came home end of July, told me OW was PG, dismissed D beginning of Aug. OW miscarried 2 weeks and 1 day after he came home. He left today. I know there were times in between then we were also having sex and he would try coming back, but I can't remember anymore.
In July tho, that's all I wanted was sex. He came back on his own. And I made it clear that's all I wanted. But he continued the A with OW the whole time.
When they were having problems, he would call me up and talk me into having sex. It was very hard because each time we started having sex, he would come home. So I thought we were rebuilding our R. He's very persuasive!!! And I won't lie, I thought the sex was great! Better in fact than when we were actually together!! And I'm a sexual person, so I felt that it was better to have it with him, than someone I didn't know, or barely knew. And because we were still legally M, I felt I couldn't start another R with someone else, even tho he was. We both even experimented with things sexually to 'spice' things up. Inviting others in and all. It's not something that I would normally do. But again, he's very persuasive and I felt it's what I needed to do to help my R. Looking back, I was just hurting myself and he was controlling my emotions to fulfill his own fantasies.
STBX did the 'nice things' also. Showing up unexpectantly to cut the grass. Fixing the holes in the walls that he had made when I was visiting my family. Giving me extra money during the month for things around the house. It's great and all, but it was just his way to keep controlling me.
I don't know if that's your X's intentions, but honestly, I wouldn't hold your breath until he has moved into that apartment and it's very clear that it's completely over with OW. And if he doesn't want you OR the OW knowing about the apartment, it sounds like he's still not sure if he's going to take it.
Forgive what he has done to you. Not for him, but for you. You really truly can't move on until you've forgiven him and yourself. But don't forget. Forgetting means forgetting the lessons you've learned and that makes everything you've done for yourself pointless.
Thanks Confused.
On forgiveness, thats exactly what I did and I told him so right from the start. It was easy for me to do? Dont know why exactly but I knew that if I didnt The one up above would never forgive me. It really is freeing you once you do that.
X is very secretive when it comes to his plans, always has been that way. If he asked D11 what she thoguht of him getting his own place, its b/c he's been seriuosly thinking about it but doesnt know when he will do it. I didnt think he could afford it really.
OW is and has been 'buying his love'. She has the $. X told me a long time ago the only reason he stays there was b/c he lives there for free. I beleive it in a way for before he use to complaing about our $ issues and how he didnt want the D but to get out of debt including the mortgage.
I totally get what you are saying, Confused. Except you don't sound confused at all. (If you are accepting votes, I vote that you change your sign-in name. )
You have some good experience in this area to share with chicki. It's too bad you had to go through it but maybe chicki can benefit from what you learned.
Chicki,
It is very freeing once we have forgiven. I definitely have some things to work on because they're still 'fresh', but I've forgiven him for the earlier stuff in our M. My problem before tho, was that I forgot as well.
My STBX was the same. OW is his sugar momma. She works at a dentist office and was getting his teeth worked on for free. Giving him the Invisaline stuff and all this other stuff. She's bought him hundreds of dollars worth of clothes that he's only allowed to wear when he's with her. Paying his bills that he can't afford. Paying for their night outs. It will get old tho. As of right now, with our amount of debt, plus the child support he will be paying, he'll be over $500 in the hole every month. And she'll pay for it for a while. But it's gonna get old. Then what are they going to have!? Definitely not love. And love doesn't pay the bills.
We definitely had money issues, but I also haven't worked since having our daughter, at his urging. I'm about to finish my schooling and be able to get a job with the certificate I'm getting. But that's still not going to affect the child support because I haven't worked in 1.5 years. We both were spontaneous spenders. Didn't think about what we were buying at the time. I've since worked on it and am getting it under control.
Thanks Sir, I've been contemplating changing it...just gotta come up with a good one!
People have asked me before...if you could go back, would you do it again or no? I'm torn. On one hand, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But on the other, the lessons I've learned have changed my life so much. And I wouldn't have my 2 beautiful children with me now.
Confused I really appreciate all of your help in this!
How long has your H been seeing OW?
My X has serious issues stemming frm his childhood like his father was & still is an alcholic and he was mentally and physically abusive to X.
X needs to get counseling before he can make any of his R work, but he first has to admit there is a promblem which he doesnt see any.
X OW is also younger then us.
X is 38 and OW is 30.
Before I found out about her they would go on excotic trips like to the carrabean islands adn X would say it wsa his business trips. She pays for it all. She also buys him clothes.
The only thing he pays for are the groceries when he has the girls on his weekends.
I wonder does that really get old? Could it be considered a love language for them- Acts of service?
Some men just want to be taken care of in that perspective.
X had no promblem when I was the only one working. He seemed very content to be the stay at home dad. Some men would feel 'inferior' since not being able to be the bread winner and all.
Gosh I would love to have my own sugar daddy about now too!:)
No worries Chicki, we're all here for support and if I'm able to give some, that's great. :-)
He started seeing her the weekend after he left in mid Aug 2007. They've been together off and on. So just over a year.
I think it does get old. Not on his part. But on her part. I believe this only because I used to do the same. I didn't have as much money to spend on him, but I still had some. And I bought him cologne, clothes, we would go out all the time, etc. Then the kids came. I had to stop spending so much on him and start paying for diapers and such. And it did get old with me. I love taking care of people, I'm a Cancer, it's what I do. But if you're constantly giving out of your love bank and it's never getting any deposits...it runs out.
STBX definitely loves being taken care of. If he could sit around all day and night, playing PS3, sitting on the comp, and texting on his phone, drinking coke and eating junk food, he would. And if that meant, someone else taking care of his kids for him, the house, the bills, everything, he would be ok with that.
I see their R heading in the same direction our's did. According to them both, she's a Cancer as well and me and her are long lost sisters or something. She's even tried being my BFF!!! (Little girl language of Best Friends Forever!!) Yeah, no thanks! He's been cheating on her the whole time they've been together. Not just with me, but with others. I know this for a fact. And he left her a few times to stay with friends because of their issues, not including the times he came back to my house. They fight ALL the time, she has gotten physical with him, her X ran over his motorcycle the first night they met....so much drama...the R is doomed.
That's one of the reasons I say I'm so much better without him. He has made me an option, so why should I make him a priority.
X is also a Cancer, but I dont think full Cancer he doesnt like taking care of others. I wasnt 'aloud' to get sick & make him be responsible.OW is an Aquarius. I'm a Scorpio.
They fight too but I guess not as much as we use to. We got to a point where thasts all we did as for any communcation. X is very moody, fine one second not the next.
I guess they dont fight as much around the kids, heck they have it made, she only once D11. I rememberd when we only had one , we would drop her off to mom's and go to the parks in Orlando.
OW doesnt even have her child living w/ her during the summer unless its X turn to have our kids. I only know one big fight where X left and took our kids to his sister. The girls told me all about it cuz they can hear them upstairs all the from the garage outside.
Venting:
Friday I dropped the kids to X. D8 was running a fever & did not look good @ all. I asked X if he had any cold medicine, to be prepared. When X gotr there she felt so bad she was teary b/c of a bad headache and MR UNCOMPASSIONATE raised his voice & asked her well what do u want me to do abouit it, I guess you will stay home alone & go w/ us (trick or treating).NO! she cried!
Saturday D11 calls me, they r @ the siters while X & OW r @ the football game AND D8 is still very much sick!!!!
They had been @ the sitters since early in the morning and the game didnt start till 2:30. Ow D11 fell off a scooter and was bleeding badly so much the sitter had to take her to get stiched up. Thats when they decided to return home b/c her kid had a booboo.
UGH, UGH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why cant we have a clause in the agreement- if X cant take care of a sick child leave her /w mom!!
Oh my!!! Yep, I would gladly throw out ANY plans I had if one of my girls were sick and xH seemed to not care. And you have every right to be furious for your sick D being with a sitter. That burns me. Life goes on for the WAS, doesn't it? Sick kids just can't get in the way...Hmph!
Does your X know that you would gladly have taken her with you?
It really doesnt surprise me anymore for when we were still together, he would do the same. If we were @ the game and one was sick, he wouldnt leave the game early.
Nothing has ever gotten in the way of his fun, fun fun.
Many times I would stay home w/ the sick child while he went out.
His first reaction on the phone before he saw D8 and I told him she was sick was "great!" sarcastically.
I thought about asking him to leave her w/ me but I knew he would say no, esp. b/c D8 is his favorite & he is (supposedly) trying to be get the FATHER OF THE YEAR award. HA!
Never in the 10yr M did he take them trick or treating, now he was all about it, ofcoarse needs to put on a show for OW too.
chicki, your X and my STBX are neck and neck for 1st place in Dad of the Year. My friend last night even said, I wish I could find out exactly how many dads are in the world right now. That way we could give him that last number on a plaque and tell him congrats! lol
STBX threw the biggest fit because I wouldn't remind him what we were doing for Halloween...then when I finally did, and he showed up, he spent the first half hour on the phone a few yards away from all of us. I could tell he was talking to OW cuz his voice was all low and he kept his head down.
Hey, I just noticed you changed your name!!
I like it!
That is excatly what us LBS'rs need to be doing<living4me> , not doing things to get or not get a reaction from our WAS.
thankx chicki... I finally found something that made more sense than Confused! I figured that even if sometimes I don't feel like it, I can still pretend until I do. :-)
Living, I like the new name.
chicki, your X does not appear to be behaving very well.
That's one of the reasons I say I'm so much better without him. He has made me an option, so why should I make him a priority.
Livin4ME,
I REALLY like that!!
RMG
Journaling,
Why does X feel the need to BUY our kids love??
What make people do these things?
One time I did ask him if he was buying their love & @ first he didnt admit it but then he laughing did admit.
I emailed him we needed to switch schedules by the first weekend of January so that he doesnt get them again for the big holidays.
He didnt want to change until the summer saying he will not be in town the first in January.
Mind you last year when he lied to me about having to change the schedule b/c his buisiness trips ( really went on several honeymoons w/ OW to the islands), I changed it.
I emailed him that I want to take the girls to the circus & his response is- its good yr trying to me a mom and take them places. UGH!
I explained to him what a mom reallly is:
She stays up all nite making sure her sick child fever doesnt spike up.
She cancels her plans when she has a sick child (unlike him doesnt gets in the wy of his fun, fun fun.)
She tries to the best role model and instill good morals and be thier rock.
She tries to keep a stability in thier lives. Be there when they need to talk.
A good parent puts the kids needs first.
Is it b/c he knows no other way to parent?
I told him unlike other moms, I never had the money means to take them everywhere, but I dont need to do that to show them my love.
OH....I also let him have it about this past weekedn.
Remember, I stated how him & OW were returning ( I thought to pick the kids up before the game was over)??
NOPE! Yes OW daughter fell & received 6 stiches, to which X and OW went to meet the sitter @ the hospital but then they left my kids and her daughter to spend the night @ the sitters!!! They told my girls they didnt return home until midnite.
Fun, fun, fun, to mister father of the year!!!
Why does X feel the need to BUY our kids love??
What make people do these things?
One time I did ask him if he was buying their love & @ first he didnt admit it but then he laughing did admit.
chicki,
From my perspective, I think he is overcompensating. He violated his M vows. He left their mother. He left them. He chose to run off and have "fun" with OW INSTEAD of being a H and a father. I think he realizes just how badly he screwed up in several areas. His way of attempting to "make things right" is by buying them things.
I know this is not a revelation to most.
But, I had to share my personal thoughts.
Take Care,
RMG
So, D11 has a parent dinner @ her school tonight and since its X visiting nite, I told her she can go w/ her dad. Nope she wants us both there...UGH!
Hopefully he will be late and I won't have to be around him much.
How is everyone today in Db world?
I'm feeling postively good today and I wont let X get to me , I will enjoy our time together no matter what.
Nope she wants us both there...UGH!
That will be my situation most of the time too.
You are putting your D11 first, and that's fabulous. Go, smile, enjoy your time with D11. You can do it, you will be great!
Well, we went to the dinner and both X and I were running late so we were able to eat at the same time. D7 sat in the middle of us two and we barely said a word to each other. I'm not purposely trying to be mean but I feel we dont have much to say anymore unless it has to do w/ the kids...how sad...
Then it happened..dejavou?
He told me he ran into an old freind (mostly his) but I met her @ our wedding. He updated me about her, but what was coincedental was that the other day I dreamt that he ran into her and she was able to (once again) hook him up w/ a place of his own. He did talk about getting his own place, so will see...
I'm tired my arthritis is acting up this morning.
I hope all you Dbrs had a great weekend!
Tomorrow is my birthday and for the first time I work for a place that we get this holiday off!!!
Awesome! The girls r out of school & I plan to take them to the Veterans Day parade.
X had no problem sending the kids off to the sitters last time all day and overnite, but now that I want to take the oldest w/ me out of town for a family event, he wont let me since its his weekend w/ them.
UGH....venting....
I asked him nicely via email too , asked him as my bday wish(sigh)....
It sucks how now thanks to his choices I can no longer be a fulltime mother nor can I enjoy them on the holidays...
chicki, is there any way he would go for switching weekends with you? That way he is still able to have his weekend with them, just next week instead?
Its just that I'm driving my mom, my sis and my grandad so only one of my girls can fit (barely) and plus the other two are younger & its not as important for them to see their twin cousins that they hadnt seen since they were born.
I'ts funny how X started our I'm convo by being a real clown, kidding about how i'm gonna be even closer to 40 (in big black bold). I'm older than he but I still get carded & even yet they still dont beleive me. he he he, he cant say the same....
Well, that sucks...maybe you could play the card of 'one less kid on your hands' type thing? I dunno.
Isn't that funny about being carded!? When we first got together...STBX looked really young...granted we were 21 at the time. But he looked very young!! And now, I'm still getting carded everywhere I go, I now look younger thru all this because I've lost so much weight and with the help of hair dye!!! lol But he's gained a bunch of weight, especially in his face and neck area...add with the way he dresses like a bum wearing big baggy clothes, he hardly ever gets carded! lol
Revenge is sweet, but karma's a b*tch!! lol
Well...I'm th big 39 today..UGH!
BUT, I'm happy I'm home w/ my girls and they woke me up w/ a happy bday banner they made for me!
D7 had several bday cards from her and her school freinds.
D11 baught me a bath crystal and gel set.
D8 got me some chocolate.
It's a great bday so far!
We are goign to go to the Veteran's day parade now,
So everyone have an awesome day!!!
Happy Birthday chicki!!! Have a great day!
Thanks!
Why cant X get it that we r thru, fini w/ having sexual R??
He braught the girls back a little early in hopes that he could give me a "bday present"!! But when he saw that I wasnt home he said " Well I see you already got yours".
This was the first time since we were seperated that he gets me a bday present from the girls. Ofcourse it was not much $ not at all and told the girls only under $10, but still, I didnt expect anything at all.
He told the girls this was the last time I take one of them on his weekend. I was asking him "pretty please" what can I do for u to let D11 go /w me to Orlando this weekend? This was earlier when we were Im'ng. I knew that would get me in trouble & his mind would go to the gutter. Well, it did go there. He named one favor by asking me to let him take the girls the Wednesday night before TGD & the he said thats #1.... letting me to beleive ther was a #2.
He makes it seem like if he does me a favor then I "owe" him like he has said before.
This is how he made me feel when he would give the cs sheck before it was oredered by the judge.
God, it was very hard to turn him down, physically he was looking good and it has been a while, but I dont want to go there and then regret it.
All in all a very good bday!
What a jerk! Don't go there! You can do it! You've been so strong so far, stay strong!
Happy belated bday!
Sorry, its been awhile since i checked in.
I agree, yr x needs some serious help!
Hey girls!!
I had to reregister since I move out of the states.
I have to call u up to give u my new email addy.
I hope you had a great bday w/ those girls of yrs!
WOW!!
I just now realized that my would-be anniversary past last weekend and I forgot all about it and better yet I didnt mourn it or feel sad.....YAY!!!!
I had to journal this....
Good for you chicki, and happy bday
Way to go there chicki....how you doin'? (said in Joey's voice from "Friends").
Wow FA!
I feel so priveledge y wrote to me,..LOL! I hadnt hear frm u in a long time...I guess thats good , no 2x4s..he he
Thanks for the compliments Cat & FA!
Its only been since August since the D, but I feel for the most part @ peace....AHHHHHH...no more drama...
Happy Thanksgiving all you good people!!!