Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: cat03 unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/21/08 03:43 AM
When I first started posting here i wasn't truly 100% sure it'd happen, now I know for sure it will.
Here is my background, never did introduced myself properly:

Married 10yrs, 2 children, H was was first real boyfriend, H suffers from depression and ADHD, never got full treatment for neither. I got a wake up call then H left in 05, I was a nagging, too tired for sex wife who was overwhelmed with housework and kids, H hardly ever helped. I'd complained he'd retract, ate up his misery, I truly did loved him, we just didn't know how to communicate.
H went downhill after the birth of our d, left church, fell w/wrong crowd, left home in 05 for 8mths, was seing ow, came back too fast "I'm tired of being alone" was his line and i was just too glad to have him back to realize it was the wrong reason. I changed radically, lost weight, looked much nicer, gave him more of my time, my attention, let things go around the house, made him my priority. H focused only on his brand new job as cop, I was in the back burner, gave him all the time he wanted.
OW thought he was D, so contacted him in mid 06, PA resumed as he lied to me about his wereabouts and about $ i'd give him. I find out, he cuts tells me it's over, tells her to give him time, we still go to C, he shuns me, sleeps downstairs.
Ow never really left the pict, I find him in her home before Christmas, find 2 phones, all sorts of evidence. He flip flops, go to C, still w/ow (find out later he trashed me w/ow, tells her im unfit mom, denied him sex, was a nut,etc).
We do a mutual S in jan so he can figure himself out, still w/ow despite her threating his job, bad mouthing kids, him finding out she got paid for sleeping with an old guy and for sex picts.

The reasons he wants a D: he never was happy, was in the M for duty, we are incopatible, I"m too "rough", will never treat him as an individual and beated him down (refuses altogheter to talk about the last 2yrs we were piecing when things seemed to be alright between us).

We had another round of txts, I got too upset, he really wants this over and now, says he's moving on and to stop stalling.

I truly have lost any hope of ever having anything w/him in the future, he believes the worst of me, despite all the times I forgave him awful stuff and turned my life around. God knows how much I've suffered, perhaps this is truly for the best.

----------------------------------------------
We had some changes to our agreement about he house and stuff, going to mediator tomorrow to iron out last details, bet he'll file soon after we sign, keep me in your thoughts, I will go to se my L of course before I sign anything.
Well, at least i dont' think of this mess 1hr out of 24, that's a start huh? it always floats in my mind the entire time I'm awake, I pray this goes away as time goes by, trying to keep busy, friends and family are wonderful and back me up.
Posted By: HappyToday Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/21/08 10:39 AM
I'm first again! Wow, am on a roll. But it's early and I'll have a cup 'o joe.

T2,

It's so strange how parallel our stories are once we get to surviving. It's as if our STBX's never saw any good in us at all. But they had to T2. they married us and had children with us. Instead of being honest with themselves, they have to say it was us because of their sheer audacity.

I'm pleased you get that hour now. Pretty soon it will be 2, then 3, then all of them.

Don't beat yourself up about something someone else does. Take care of yourself and your kids. That will make you better.
Posted By: ACJ Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/21/08 12:34 PM
Cat,

I hear you.

Quote:
says he's moving on and to stop stalling

If he wants this D let HIM do all the hard work. It seems to me like it is him who is stalling right now.

Be good to yourself. You are a survivor, you will continue to be that way
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/21/08 04:55 PM
thanks gals)))))))) I had to go back to my thread in "piecing" and see that I truly did give 110% and that asking for validation from H is an exercise in futility.

Just came from mediator, went pretty well, only once I called on H's whining of "I not get to be on a small appt..." crap, but we did get stuff done faster than last time-- though through some adjustments I end up owing him more than I thought, bummer, but in the overall scheme of things I get to keep the house and keep my kids in their usual routine and environment.

It's sort of ironic, I actually feel good that we ironed out the details, even if that means it's all nice and set up for when he wants to file.

After paying him and him paying me CS I will have enough to live by, a small cushion if something were to happen, but God first I will keep doing fine.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/21/08 06:23 PM
Cat,

Glad mediation went well.

Stick to business with STBX. The R talk is not going to help anything at this point.
Posted By: LoginName Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/21/08 08:09 PM
Hi cat, or t2sp, or ?
Thinking of you. Wishing the best for you. Here comes the next part of your life. It'll have a lot of joy in it.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/22/08 02:44 AM
thanks OT, it was much painless than I'd thought it'd be.

LN)))))))))))) thanks for visiting me \:\) it's so nice to see you.

I just realized, that if tonight my H would say to me he wants to try to fix things and move back in, it'd be more of the same, more of his aloofness, more of his alienation. He truly was miserable here, I understand not because of me but because of what is eating him inside. He agrees with this, that there is so much wrong with him it will take a long time to set himself right.

I think I'm evolving into the next stage: acceptance. I have been in shock this entire time, not really taking in all that was happening to me. I'm now used to not having him call me nor walk with my cell phone throughout the house. Again, I'm so glad I took off the txt msg feature of my cell or i'd be tempted to check my phone or, heaven forbid, text him.
just caught up again {{{cat}}}, you're doing so well. no, really. you TOTALLY are. i am so proud of you.

leaving town for 4 days (to the inlaws, pray for me! ha. someday i'll get back to posting my crap, or at least a brief synopsis.) but wanted you to know i'm checking in and always on your side. ::smooch!::

and HAPPY RESURRECTION DAY! mighty fine time to start a new life!
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/22/08 03:38 AM
hey hon))))))))))))))love to see you here, hope you have a great weekend at the inlaws, lol, take care toots)))
Posted By: Matilda2 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/22/08 01:17 PM
Originally Posted By: this2shallpass
I had to go back to my thread in "piecing" and see that I truly did give 110%

What a terrific idea! Going back to my old threads will probably help me get past the sadness faster. Thanks!
Posted By: Matilda2 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/22/08 04:29 PM
and who is this mysterious woman who keeps changing names???
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/23/08 03:15 AM
Lol!! sorry! I changed my name for I fear H and ow were snooping on me (provided she was in cahoots with H to screw me on the SA), but nope, H has no clue I posted all our life horrors here.

OK, I"ll behave now and will keep my original name, tee hee
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/24/08 04:17 AM
Little d5 asked me today, in her baby talk, why daddy stayed only for a little while and didnt' live here anymore, did he not like mommy anymore? WOW, I was not ready for that, I really didn't believe she could put together what was going on.
I tried to explained her that dad liked to be alone now, that he loved her and brother, but that now dad and mom were just friends and that dad wanted to live appart. And my sweetheart asked "what about you?" oh, my sweet baby, how did she know my heart broke at the news her dad didnt' want me anymore? I told her I was happy with her and brother and Jesus, she smiled.

She said she didn't know how to feel about her dad not being here, that she wans't sure she was really ok with that. I told her how much her dad loved her and that we would all be ok, that we loved her and that she made me very happy.

H came late to take them to his sister's. I can't blame them by not inviting me to the usual Easter lunch, I just wish they would've said something ANYthing "we'll miss you, sorry it has to be this way", or perhaps Im expecting too much? since it is H's fault and him being the jerk here. Bleah. Poor little s9, I thought he understood I wasnt' going, I repeated like crazy how I was going to pick them up at 5pm to go to my family's, he didnt' get it. He asked why I wasn't coming, his dad was in a hurry so I told him to ask dad. The big chicken, H, told him to ask me, GRRRR!!!, well, right back at him, when I picked him up H was outside and i told him to explain s9, of course he says "why me?", I just looked at him and H explained him fast that we were separated and from now on they'll do stuff with his family and I"ll do stuff with my family, s9 seemed to be ok with it.

For some reason I can' shake a statement H told me last friday among a flurry of txts, he said "you are too rough, which may be fine for others but not me" "I never could be an individual in our M and never will be", some other time he said I had "beated him down" in the M.
ARGGHHHH!!!! I know he disregards all my effords of the past 2yrs and that I should'nt expect him to validate me, but damn, it makes me doubt myself, blame myself that perhaps it was mostly my fault things went downhill before he left in 05. We've been M 10yrs, it's hard to go back and pin point things now.
I asked for forgiveness, so many times, in tears, during C, he told me he loved me earlier last year.

OK, vent over... I did all I could, I really did.
Posted By: Sara Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/24/08 04:24 AM
Honey, you did more than anyone could. It is ugly the way they blame the LBS for their own insecurities, unhappiness, and basic dissatisfaction with life. Truth is, no one lives happily ever after. But that doesn't stop people from being disappointed with their lot in life.
Posted By: Matilda2 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/24/08 11:55 AM
(((Cat)))
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/25/08 01:19 PM
going to my L today, H went to his and had quite a few things to say about the SA, that it left him open to a bunch of things, most things made sense, but we might end up at the mediator again.

H and I are having a big dissagreement about the economic stimulus $$ coming up this May (US). I think the portion that they give you per kid should go for stuff for the kids, he says it has to do with him paying taxes last yr and he should receive half of what they are giving us for the kids. We are butting heads about this, since this is a new issue I have to bring it up with my L. His L also told him that because CS is not tax deductible he should be able to claim one of the kids to make up for it. ARgghhhh!! I hate all these legal crap.

Regardless, God has planted my feet in solid ground and I"m not despairing, sad at times but not desperate, He truly is amazing, I feel his peace in my heart.
Posted By: Aud31 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/25/08 04:04 PM
Yucko on the $$ issues. Hope things settle down once the agreement is hammered out.

I'm so glad you're not despairing, that you're feeling more centered--keep on truckin' girl. (hugs)
Posted By: whapu Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/25/08 09:19 PM
Well, Well....I leave a few months and I have to cross the tracks over here and find you! I am so sorry things worked out the way they did for you Cat. You gave so much more than the "college try". Money is always going to be the first hurdle to climb through and most likely the most difficult. I am so proud of your demeanor and glad your chin is tilted in the right direction. As far as my life goes and my "m", I might be slipping over here as well. Hang in there Cat and good to know you are still maintaining on the right pathways....peace
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/26/08 02:28 PM
hey friend))))))))))) posted on your thread, I will put you on the top of my prayer list, I pray that you regain that strenght you have in you and move forward, I know I am, not in the direction I wanted, but I am moving forward. You are worth it, dont' loose yourself))))))))))))

My L pointed out a few holes, his L had quite a few things, nothing major, still deciding about the child deduction, my L said that in court they *may* let H have one kid, but not always as H said it happens.

Feeling strong, the sore spot is still thinking of him and ow, that is dimming and i'm retraining my mind to accept whatever R they might have, if he is happy with that crazy unbalanced ex-escort woman, so be it.
Posted By: DiDi Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/26/08 04:19 PM
Originally Posted By: cat03


Feeling strong, the sore spot is still thinking of him and ow, that is dimming and i'm retraining my mind to accept whatever R they might have, if he is happy with that crazy unbalanced ex-escort woman, so be it.


I think I'm supposed to say something like, don't let the OW take up any more space in your head! You already know that.

I just came across a post on an old thread though that might shed some light on why they make such horrible choices.

Quote:
"Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.

Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash."
Posted By: ACJ Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/26/08 04:46 PM
I had seen this post before but it sure helped being reminded of it.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/26/08 06:04 PM
delux))))))))))) a sight for sore eyes)))))) never read that post but wow, it's amazing and so true! I know H made himself the super-H with a b*tch of a W so ow could be in awe of him.

Everytime I found out about him and ow he always convinced I was the crazy exW going after him, even if I would've proved to ow back in xmas about us still being in a M that still wouldn't have changed the fact that he had no earthly idea what he wanted and that our M and me were not a priority, that's just the sad truth, need to stop beating myself up for not pushing the truth to ow that month I went to her house and he jumped out of the balcony.
>>For some reason I can' shake a statement H told me last friday among a flurry of txts, he said "you are too rough, which may be fine for others but not me"<<

When my husband was divorcing me one thing he complained about was how I was "too emotional." I remember talking with a guy who I thought I might like to date after the divorce was over and when I told him this he mentioned, in a kind of offhanded way that he tends to be attracted to emotional women.

This made me realize something. I am who I am and it's not fair to try and box me into something else I'm not. And, when it comes down to it I would want someone to love me for exactly who I am. All of the good, the bad and the ugly....

Even though the reality is, I may be more emotional than some women, but there's an awful lot of women much more emotional than me. You may be more assertive and what he calls "rough" than some women, but I'm certain he's exaggerating as well.

In other words, from now on don't take anything he says personally and don't ever feel you are to blame, or this is in any way your fault....or if you were different it would have changed anything (when I used to "reinvent" myself H would just find other things to complain about...). It's just the way it is and you no longer have the stress and strain of tyring to make someone unhappy happy.

In the long run that's going to be huge relief.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/31/08 05:08 PM
Quote:
"reinvent" myself H would just find other things to complain about...


hey sweets)))))))))))) thanks so much for putting into words another one of those things that bothered me but didnt' know what it was. SO TRUE!! if I got better here then he'd find something else to complain there.

I told him that much, last time we talked R (and I believe that might be the last time for good, I have no desire to bring up stuff about a dead and diseased R anymore) that I accepted him with ALL his issues, but it seemed he was unable/unwilling to take ANY of my issues, whatever they might be. Guess at the time the helplessness and damsel in distress mode of ow was more appealing to his weak and spineless soul.

Good riddance again, I prob should've started running MUCH sooner.

Little by little and learning to stop caring if he's come from ow or not, just figured out 2 very hurtful lies he told me right before the crap hit the fan on February, and was going to bring them up to him somehow (snide remark/jab)
Then I realized... to what end??? so I can be called bitter again? accused of not letting him go? of being vindictive and/or seemed like I havent' gotten peace and still holding out for him?

Hell no, I'm not, it'd take pleanty of 180s and more for me to even think about him with me again, and not that it will happen in a million years, but that truly I see him as what he is: a spineless selfish narcisist person totally uncapable of caring for anyone else, adverse to the truth and facing the concecuences.
From someone who cried bitterly after finding out ow was a paid for sex/xrated picts slut, sounding so disgusted at even giving her a foothold and lo and behold a month later has her parking permit back on his car?
I want NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING with him, not a bone of integrity or courage in him.
Posted By: Aud31 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/31/08 05:16 PM
Quote:
Good riddance again, I prob should've started running MUCH sooner.


Don't kick yourself--you knew you had to give it everything for your own peace of mind. I'm glad you're able to start letting the hurts go without comment...the less you dwell on them, the happier you will be. And you DESERVE!!!!! to be happy.

:mwah:
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 03/31/08 05:48 PM
smooches back hon))))))))))) thanks babe, it's always nice to see you gals \:\)

Wow! I forgot to post that my beautiful family came over yesterday, my sister's husbands, dad, bro and w and babies and they gave my front yard a make over, I mean, wow! the place was looking as if there hadn't been a man for 2yrs (actually there wasnt! lol, only 4nowH) They cleaned every corner, took down 2 huge bushes/trees. For dirt cheap at craigslist.com I got a chandelier and another pretty fixture for my kitchen/dinning area and they put it up for me, the place looks so much brighter and big now. Even 4nowH was amazed at the changes.

More changes to come, I'll be in a fairly tight spot $$ for the next 5yrs as I buy out 4nowH, but I will make little changes here and there and make that place my own \:\)
Wow!!! That sounds nice Cat. I like that you are making the place your own. I always figured if my divorce went through I might paint the master bathroom pink and make the master a feminie boudoir!!!! Something that would make me feel real girly (and sexy!).

Yeah, the realtionship talk gets old. At some point you just want to live and totally love yourself. Why not?
Posted By: peaceful_spirit Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/01/08 12:55 PM
Cat,
You should NOT have run sooner. This was the process YOU needed to go through to get to this point. For whatever reason, you did not run sooner. So here you are... reaching acceptance.

Your H is very lost and deeply disturbed. And the only thing you can do is follow through with this D. Cut him loose as much as you can. Move on with your life and let him go completely. Maybe one day, he can come back from this and make himself whole again. But that time is not now.

Don't let his words hurt you. Maintain your own confidence. Remember that you are a wonderful, warm woman who is human. Nagging, no sex, blah, blah. Join the club. Did you contribute to your M going down hill? Sure. We all did. But you're human, as we all are. And you worked you @ss off to make things right. You were/are an amazing wife.

This D will be cathartic for you. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, you will have a range of emotions -- good and bad. But when all is said and done, you will build a wonderful life for yourself after the D. And maybe one day, your H will wake up. But don't wait for that. By the time that happens, some other handsome dude will probably snatch you up. You're young, beautiful (though I have never seen what you look like, I can only assume you're beautiful because your personality is beautiful).

Anyway, you're doing great.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/01/08 05:14 PM
awww, you are making me blush, lol, I am easy on the eyes if I say so myself, ha ha

Nope, I am in no ways waiting on him in any ways, he needs so much therapy, a huge change of heart and regain his soul for him to be in any R, and as you said, in a year or so I might start peering over at the other fishes in the sea \:\)
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/02/08 03:32 PM
love this verse and devotional I got on my email:
Quote:
1 Peter 2:1-10
Rid yourselves, therefore, of all malice, and all guile, insincerity, envy, and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow into salvation--if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.

“Provide for those who grieve…a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor” (Isaiah 61:3 NIV).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria Osteen

Do you need a new garment today? I'm not talking about a physical garment. I'm talking about what's covering your mind and emotions. Are you clothed with despair and disappointment? Are you wearing 'heaviness'? If you've gone through a hurtful situation, the Bible says there is a time to grieve, and it's important to release that hurt to the Lord. But the Bible also tells us that God wants to give you a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. You can put on a garment of praise instead of a heavy, burdened spirit. What's holding you back today? Are the garments of yesterday weighing you down and holding you back? The garment of praise is light and filled with peace and joy. Don't carry those heavy burdens around anymore! Today is the day for new garments! Forgive those who have hurt you and begin to praise Him! Thank God for life today. Thank Him for the beautiful sunrise. Thank him for restoring you, even if you don't see it yet. And this verse says, you will be called an oak of righteousness, strong and secure, and you will display the splendor of the Lord all the days of your life!

A Prayer for Today

Heavenly Father, I come to You today and ask that You take off my old, heavy garments of despair and heaviness. Make me new today. Give me a garment of praise so that I can be a display of Your glory and splendor. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
{{{CAT}}} just caught up again, and have to go back into hibernation, i have to wake up at 5am for work.

:::LOVE::: you're doing really well, i promise.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/03/08 03:01 AM
hey toots))))))))))))))))) you tease, hope you are doing well dear friend, will wait for an update \:\)
Posted By: princess_nic Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/03/08 11:51 AM
Hi Cat,

I read your post to ACJ, and the book you're reading sounds good. God WILL make this into something good, Cat; I have to believe that. I accepted the D a little over a year ago, and things are so much easier for me now - not right away, but it happened. I know that some days it seems like the pain will never end, but then you have a good day - and it seems like you're in those good days now, so I'm glad of that.

Love,
Nic
Posted By: kikifree Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/03/08 12:39 PM
Hey Cat,

That prayer was very nice thank you.

You sound strong!
_________________________
Posted By: Aud31 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/03/08 01:59 PM
Good morning lovely Cat!

Just wanted to send some good vibes your way today--I hope it's a good one!

Also, I thought you and BI would like to know that JokerMan popped up with a new thread over in Newcomer's.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/03/08 05:21 PM
hugs to all)))))) God has been true and wonderful to me, taking the pain from me, now I have to train this stubborn brain of mine to think of other things, lol, it's mostly habit that I think of D/H/ow, not out of pain, so I need to carve new brain paths for me.

Doing great, I know the enemy tries to pry old stuff and I pray to God to help me forgive 4nowH for all the indignities of the last 3mths, slowly i'm getting there.
It doesnt' move me anymore to see him, and I am also detaching from my phone, he's the one who'd mainly txt me or call me, so now I even forget it at work, lol, it has helped. We are in the final stages of the mediation, we'll fine tune stuff on sunday between me and him and then off the mediator for the final draft.

It was sad telling my mom though, it sort of relived the worst for a few seconds, she of course was devastated (she is in my country and I just didn't have the heart to call her and tell her) I was close to tears, mostly for her, after telling my story a few times I'm able to stay objective, but I know it is really hard for her, since her and my dad D when I was 10 (ugly D, we moved, etc) and she has always suffered and hated to be alone. I tried telling her I didnt' feel alone, that I was doing great and kids were ok. Sigh, poor mami, she must've cried a lot more after we hunged up.

The kids are doing good, I know the little one is not as affected as s9, though he also is doing great, happy and himself, we went to the circus yesterday and had a blast. I lost 5lbs in the last mth, wow, I didnt' think it'd be possible to be my college weight again, so now I got to buy clothes 2 sizes smaller, he he.

Loving my zumba classes, got to be on the stage today, trying to keep up with that dynamo of our teacher, it's my highlight of the week. Found a radio online (through iTunes and i'm just hooked on it at work!, new tunes, new things help me take my mind off stuff, it's a latin dance party mix and I have to keep myself from dancing on my seat, lol.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/03/08 05:30 PM
Quote:
Good riddance again, I prob should've started running MUCH sooner.

For you Cat..... I love this song, it pretty much sums it up.

"Over You"

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/04/08 06:42 PM
Quote:
For you Cat..... I love this song, it pretty much sums it up.

LOVE this song! LOVE Daughtry!

Perfect words too uh? \:D
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/05/08 03:44 AM
YES!!! that's precisely the song I heard when I thought to myself "heck, i put up with his crap one too many months!"

Thanks for posting it hon!! (I"m also a Daughtry fan from the very beginning ;\) ) the lyrics are so me, it's almost scary, I"m almost over him and it's barely been a month of the D bomb, I think i have totally accepted that he's a lost cause and that that good man i loved is gone for good.

i think it has helped me to stop worrying about him or wonder how he's doing, stop looking at the clock and say 'oh, at this hr he's prob at work/leaving work, etc etc'. He started that crap again of 'do you know where can I get such and such' or 'how do I do this and that?' Before, I'd run and find out stuff for him, use all my resources and look for stuff for him, i now just shrug and say 'don't know, sorry'. He can find his own secretary from now on. I"m not trying to be cruel, i am really trying to cut off all the familiarity between us, because otherwise it'd feel too much as if we are still together. This is my 'acting as if' method, and it has helped me detach from him.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/05/08 03:54 AM
Quote:
Thanks for posting it hon!! (I"m also a Daughtry fan from the very beginning ) the lyrics are so me, it's almost scary, I"m almost over him and it's barely been a month of the D bomb, I think i have totally accepted that he's a lost cause and that that good man i loved is gone for good.


I think that is the biggest step, and the most freeing. That day that you look at the X and wonder where the person you fell in love with went. You wonder where this lying, manipulative, sack of ICK came from!!!And this verse is perfect...
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me
.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/05/08 03:57 AM
i love those particular lines of the song, how he wanted to bring down all our good years and chalk them up to him 'putting up a front' and telling me we were alway incompatible, puhlease!

Lots of doors are opening up... I'm truly blessed and God has take this burden off me.
Posted By: bright_new_day Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/05/08 12:29 PM
Quote:
i love those particular lines of the song, how he wanted to bring down all our good years and chalk them up to him 'putting up a front' and telling me we were alway incompatible, puhlease!

Yep, mine did the same. He actually put in his response to the divorce filing that I had abandoned the marriage "through my words and actions" June 1999. Ironically that is the month I gave birth to his son. In 2005 we even went to see a priest about getting married in the Catholic church because he knew it meant a lot to me to do so. The only reason we didn't go through it was because he would not contact his parents to get his baptism and communion records. (He wasn't speaking to them.) But toward the end (after he got involved with OW/new wife)he would tell anyone who would listen that our marriage had been dead for years. Gotta love their revisionist history! LOL

Quote:
Lots of doors are opening up... I'm truly blessed and God has take this burden off me.


Yes, doors definiely open. I got a teaching position, something I had tried to do for several years. I also connected with old friends and am having a great time with very little unhappiness in my life. It is amazing how things can change when the burden of "being the root of ALL problems" is lifted from you!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 04:00 AM
wow Suzy! what a thing to say on the D paperwork, no matter how many times I read an appalling rewrite of history from a WAH/MLCer it still blows my mind the way they make stuff up, unBELIEVABLE!!

Got the wind knocked from me today, of course H came over for kids, with ow's parking permit on his permit (yea, i'm sure they are "just talking") Still a sore spot, can't get his "she's out of the pict" and "it isnt a decision about choosing you and her" crappy comments when things unfolded in late Feb.
It still hurts, wish it didn't, I have to remind myself that the zombie who comes over istn' my H, that him and ow do deserve each other, their souls are rotten.

Yes, God loves them too, despite all their crap, so I pray I come to total peace in regard to them both. Even if they M next year as the D is finalized, I need to reach full detachment and not fret if he does well, after all, my kids need him.

We started visitation plans, I broke down realizing kids wont be with me every night once he gets his place next spring, he wants to have them an extra morning and that's killing me.
We agreed on Mon-Tue afternoons and Tue-Wed morning, every other week he'll have them from Sun at 1pm. I was fighing for Wed morning, that'd make it 3 our of 4 mornings every other wk that I wont' see my kids, it breaks my heart. He says I still get to see them more than him, and do I want him involved in their life.
Yes, I do, but DAMN it, I get to miss out on those days.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!! yes, I am trying to understand that he actually wants time with them and that that is a good thing \:\/

I am now a bit more calm, I remember my days of busy mom wishing for one day without kids, now I might have 2.5 and I dont' want them \:\(
I need to fill those days to the brim, I thought about going to my zumba class one night, spending the night at my sister's, the next night i can take a night class at the local community college, I'd like to be some sort of therapist (yes, lol, as messed up as I am now) and/or join the small group church homes that meet during the week.
SIGH, ok, end of pity party \:\/
Posted By: ACJ Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 07:43 AM
Quote:
and do I want him involved in their life.
Yes, I do, but DAMN it, I get to miss out on those days.

Cat this is so very hard I know. However take it from me that although going through with this will hurt it is the right things for your kids.

My H tried to impose visitation on me and my kids. He and OW decided w/o any input from me and the children that H would have them Monday and Tuesday one week and Saturday and sunday another. The kids said no. They don't want to stay over any night let alone two a week. They don't want to spend any time with OW (although S15 has not relented and will tolerate her just so he can see his dad). The end result of this was no negotiation. There is no respite for me unless i ask my parents. As they are in their 60s and live 90 miles away it isn't practical for them to step in on a regular basis. My advice is take what is offered for now. You can always change things in the future if either you or the kids are not happy with the arrangements.
Posted By: princess_nic Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 11:48 AM
Cat,

That's good advice from Alison. I know how hard it is, esp when there's another woman in the picture. I remember my kids coming home to tell me that gf had made them cupcakes, and I was so mad, all I could think of was stuffing cupcakes down her throat till she choked!!

But of course, I know - as you do - that our children need their fathers in their lives. The more people who love them, the better it is for them. This is one of those sucky times that we need to do what's best for them. I know that you already know this; I just want you to know also that we have all been there and all felt the same.

The secret positive side, though, is that in a couple of months, once you get used to it, it really won't be so bad. You will have time to yourself, and it will FLY by - really. And that time alone will make you a better mom when you're with your kids.

You can do this, Cat.

Love,
Nicola
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 02:39 PM
thanks girls))))))))))))))) I guess it is just one of those things we must learn to accept and much like S,D and other horrors we just have to adjust *SIGH*

bleah, well, at least he does want them around, he's just not that great at keeping d5 clean and comb her hair or at making sure s9 does his homework and stuff, he's late half the time and I just hate the thought of them not taken care of *the way I want them to*. I guess if he's asking for this then he'll have to learn and realize that it isnt' all easy to take care of them for real (he only sees them a few hrs now)

And yes, as they grow up, they will make up their mind, even he said so, once they are 13 they may or may not want to stay with him more/less. Ok, must think of kids first.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 03:28 PM
Hi cat!

Yup it's sad and it will be even sadder for their Dad when the kids don't want to go because they are afraid of missing out with their friends. That time will come.

You're doing the right thing in making sure that the kids spend time with him. How could you live with yourself if you didn't do this? Having their Dad around even for a couple of hours is better than nothing. He's still missing out no matter how you cut it.

Don't worry about what you can't control and how he parents when they are with him. I do totally get it but you'll just be making yourself crazy with that one.

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 04:31 PM
thanks Beth, this is really hard for me, I work full time, I run home to be with them, he doesnt' even call them and now he wants to have them one extra night to tuck them in? I dont' buy it, sounds like he is just saying that so I let him have one kid to claim as dependant. My accountant is trying to explain me the difference in $, havign a hard time (1,000 tax credit, the 500 per child, etc)

ARGHH!!! by next year s9 will be going to middle school, he'd have to get d5 up much earlier just so he can drop son on time, then there are the times 4nowH calls me and asks me when is son out, after years of s9 going to school he NEVER remembers when the bus comes, it drives me nuts! I can just picture by kids just waiting for him to pick them up, him being late and just all sorts of bad weather...

I hate him for this, I told him so yesterday, on a rare explotion of emotions, I hate that I will loose time with them. GRRRRRRRR

Yes, i am making myself crazy Beth, maybe I just need to let this out to feel better. Was talking to a friend who has 3 kids and her x takes them every other weekend, how she used to sob and sulk and not go out each time he took them, that it took her a while to get out of the house and get used to it. She is doing worse than me (x wont' pay her all the CS he owes her) but she is making it, with 3!
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 04:47 PM
Oh cat, there is nothing easy about working full-time and being a single Mother. I had a hard time holding it together after ex decided to fly and my kids were older, so I don't envy you.

I'm sure you're right in your suspicions about Husbands interest in having the kids for an extra night. Wait until he actually has to get them where they need to be a couple of times. Let's just see how he feels about it then. Generally these selfish men don't like having to go too far out of their way even if it is for their kids.

I didn't mean to say that you were crazy, although we're all a little crazy while we're going through this, but somehow we have to be the ones to minimize the craziness. Believe me, your husband won't do that for you. What you said about your H not knowing sons schedule well that's no big surprise. Besides the fact that they all seem so confused about so many things that should be no brainers, he probably didn't waste anytime even tryong to remember, you probably always did it for him. You sound like a very hands on Mom. That's great for the kids but it only serves to make these self centered spouses even less accountable. I know. I raised one as well.

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/07/08 05:02 PM
Quote:
I didn't mean to say that you were crazy, although we're all a little crazy while we're going through this, but somehow we have to be the ones to minimize the craziness. Believe me, your husband won't do that for you.

I know what you meant hon ))) but I am spinning my wheels a bit, I hate this. And you are right, I won't get compassion from him so I have to be objective and work with this new load of issues the D brings.

Quote:
That's great for the kids but it only serves to make these self centered spouses even less accountable.

yes indeed, I did it all since he really didnt' take interest, I couldn't wait to be involved since when I was in school my parents were not that involved, my mom tried a little, now and then she'd check schoolwork, but having her own restaurant she couldnt' do it all the time, and after the D and I lived with my dad no one had an inkling how the hell I was doing in school, after I moved here same thing (US), I'd get the honor roll all the time, no one knew nor asked nor took pride in it.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/09/08 02:28 PM
wrote a post yesterday and forgot to hit reply! arrrgh!

Wasnt' feeling well, had a bad talk with H (sprung from dissagreements about the extra morn he wants kids and the tax return) Ended up with him leaving an angry vm and me doing the same, he said in his vm how he was going through things and that he was done arguing for the day. I couldnt' help myself (it was/is one of those "rock bottom" moments for me) so I unloaded.. brought up stuff he did to me, his lies, how that hurt, that if he thought he was going through something he had no clue what I was going through.

I'm rehashing old stuff, about how things could've gone if ow hadn't come into the pict, about how emotionally distant he was *before* ow came into view, how we had no connection, no matter what I tried. And I realize, if he hadnt' asked for D, if he were with me now, it'd be more of the same, me living with a zombie who didnt' feel much for himself much less for me.

He's told me before how he feels he's lost something, doesnt' know how to get it back and how miserable that makes him feel. He's lost himself, his goodness and has no clue how to live with himself. So, obviously, he had nothing to give me as a partner/friend/H.
Ow still a sore spot, I know she isnt the reason of our breakup, I think it is mostly that primal female jelousy I feel. I know that a good man would never allow such a person to interfere with his family, but as he is being friends or whatever with her is ok, he truly is empty.

Will try to remain objective as I rethink visitation, I might let him claim one kid. It is amazing how he actually grew a spine and is fighting for the kids, perhaps realizing that's the only good things he has left.

I had a good cry, after 2wks of no tears at all, guess I needed. I'll make a MC apt. next week, guess I haven't really forgiven H for all the indignities he's put me through these past 8mths, I need to let go of those things.
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/09/08 06:07 PM
(( cat ))
Sorry you are feeling sad, residue stinks!
I see that you were piecing and now S again, quite a roller coaster for you.

I think when my ex left and never looked back, as hard as it was now it may of been a blessing.

It takes such a long long time, 6 yrs here and there are times my feathers get ruffled. We are human.

Go easy on yourself, no one has proven to me yet that a good cry dosnt do a world of good!

I love your psalm quote.!

Have a good day!
Posted By: Aud31 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/09/08 07:57 PM
((hugs)) Sorry hon. Really. You're doing just fine. You know what's real and true. And it's gonna take time for your wounds to heal. Hang in there.
Posted By: Sad1 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/09/08 10:38 PM
Hi cat03 - thank you for the post on my thread and ((cat03)). (that's a hug, right?)
I'm so wrapped up in my own sitch, wishing someone can give me strength, that I fail to notice strength in others.
Having just read "D train" I see acceptance of, and a determination in you, to overcome the unpleasentness of the D process.
Faith in God is probably something I should also be looking to develope at this time.
Todays lesson for me - Get away from self, reach out to and learn from others.
Keep doing what you're doing.
just checking in; hugs to you.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 03:42 PM
Sad1, I'd be a basket case if I hadn't cling to God, this stuff is enough to make you loose your head, you know, my devotional from this morning is so apropiate to put here now:

"He changes times and seasons." (Daniel 2:21)
-
God is always looking to take us to higher levels. He wants us to grow and increase in every area of life. Change is often a catalyst for growth in our lives. It keeps us from getting stuck in a rut. God will supernaturally open and close doors to keep us on the path toward our destiny. He will "stir us" out of comfortable situations and stretch us because He loves us too much to allow us to live in mediocrity. Just like a mother eagle will stir her young, God will stir His children. Do you know how an eaglet learns to fly? That eagle will take her eaglet to the very highest point—way out of its comfort zone—and then she releases it. As the eaglet falls, the mother swoops down and picks it back up again. She does this over and over until the eaglet spreads its wings and soars through the air. That''s what God wants for you today. He wants you to soar in life! You might feel like that eaglet learning to fly, but know that God is right there with you! He’ll never leave you. Embrace God's change today, knowing that He is using it to take you up higher so that you can live in victory all the days of your life!
A Prayer for Today
Dear God, today I open my heart and mind to receive all that You have for me. I trust that You are with me directing my every step. I embrace Your seasons of change and thank You for helping me grow and increase in every area. In Jesus' Name. Amen
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 03:49 PM
that is beautiful cat
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 04:00 PM
every time I try to control the stich myself I get burned, I have to keep throwing this whole crap God's way, i really can't handle it, got into another round of txts w/H, actually keeping my cool and will NOT bring up any more ow/M stuff. Clearly he has his views and no matter what I say I will not get the answers *I* want, OT is right, it is like trying to get comfort from your abuser.

Txts got ugly, not in the insulting way but one thing led to another (he sent me txts meant to ow, I forward them back telling him to watch what he sends to me and he thought I broke into his acct) Now he's all like "dont' txt me ever, I will take it as harrasment" Phlueasse!! he's far gone from my life, he never txts me for anything else other than for the kids or $$ stuff. It was pretty convenient since I rather txt than talk to him, now that is gone, great, I'll have to talk to him each time.

Great, just great, things got uglier and they prob didnt' have to, I was too mad not to just drop it, he just kept accusing me of breaking into his acct so I told him to learn to use his phone. He prob wont' txt me again just so he doesnt' txt me by mistake.

I didnt' want to be friends with him but didnt' want any more ugliness and I was just part of something I'm not proud of. I want to escape somewhere far far away right now.
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 04:07 PM
hey
this isn't your mistake

you responded in a way that was actually pretty tame

I swear if I got tm meant for someone else...it mightnot have been so pretty

take a deep breath

ifhow you acted wasn't your best momen
hey
guess what???

you are human
and sometimes our human emotions show through

like all my friends here reminded me this week

you made a mistake
learn from it and let it go
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 04:23 PM
Cat03,

I'm not sure why you think he gets to set the terms of communication. Talking to him isn't good for you, it isn't helping you.

Stick with texting. Better yet, stick with email which does not get you roped into the same kind of back and forth bickering you went through today.

"It is unfortunate that there were some missent TMs today. The no-texting suggestion you made doesn't work for me as it would require too many phone calls. Thus, I suggest that we use email primarily, and limit texting to truly urgent matters."
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 06:22 PM
OT, I feel like crap, wish I could leave work, I messed up, why did this get so ugly when this around last yr we were still a family??????????

I feel so bad, I want to cry so hard, I want to go back in time and...

He actually was being half decent these past weeks, talking about getting along for the kids sakes, now he views me as the b*tch from hell, I did give him fodder, I know I prompted his comments of "I want as little to do with u as possible" "stay out of my life" but he never uttered those things before, he'd talk fine w/me when he came over (ok, too well, it unsettled me how he could be so casual as if nothing were wrong.)

I have realized I will miss seing his name coming up on my email (we txted through email since I took off that feature on my phone), that in the back of my mind that meant something, that at least we could have that. He used to have some guilt, at the very beginning he was very solicitous around the home, then it cooled down. Then he'd try to make sure to let me believe he wasnt' with ow so I wouldn't be mad and try to mess him up on the SA, I see that now. The TM meant for ow (they had to be) were telling her about our latest dissagreent and how I 'd have to get used to it, meaning, to them together, though ow apparently doesn't know he was denying an R with her.

I lowered myself to a bickering bitter person, he now prob doesnt feel bad at all at leaving our home/M. We had some kid interaction,someone said that what they missed most was a witness, someone to share things with, now and then we'd comment about something funny/silly d5 did, i'm sure those interactions will be gone too. I did not want to be his enemy either, but, that's how he views me now.
Shoot me now.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 06:39 PM
Cat,

I loved the prayer. I agree. I have no idea how people get through so many things without having God in their life. Isn't the power of prayer amazing?

I prefer e-mail. It gives me a chance to take my time and think about what I need to say. Last year when I was going through my divorce, e-mailing saved me from saying things that I would have later regretted and from having my thoughts twisted and much less chance of being bated. Sometimes I may walkaway and punch a pillow, but when I go back to write ex would have never known that he had gotten me fired up.

Personally from what you write, I think you're doing really well.

Stay strong!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 06:49 PM
thanks sweetie, i'm having a mini meltdown, guess that's what was coming to me after doing so well for the past 2mths \:\/
Just called my MC, hope he has something now, that man is God sent and knows all the ugly past, H used to go to him as part of our MC when piecing in 06.
MC was right, he asked me that time, before I found H with ow before xmas "and what are you going to do if he cheats again?" he knew H was far gone in his mind in regards to the M.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 06:56 PM
I hear ya' Sweetie......

I don't think it takes much for them to size them up. I went through the samething. Counselors seem to ask us how we would react rather than saying, "hey dummie, he's gonna fool around on you again ya know." It's nice that he has some knowledge of your husband. It also makes it easier to understand what you have been dealing with.

Melting down is good. It helps us work through things and makes us stronger. Better to let it out then to stuff it down.

We're here for you Sweetie!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 06:57 PM
my IC said that stuff to me!!!

Maybe I just bring it out in them...

the confrontational approach?!?!?!?!?

Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 07:00 PM
thanks for holding me up gals, I was one millimeter from bursting our crying out of my work. Darn it, ruined my zumba day, well, I still danced to my heart's delight \:\/
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 07:04 PM
HMMMMMMMMM yo could be fig you know. Are you ready for the naked truth? Oh if anyone could handle it it's our fig.

So.....tell us about zumba day.
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 07:06 PM
i love naked

as long as it isn't mine

I heard about Zumba

that sounds awesome

do you like it????
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 07:48 PM
Cat,

Going back in time wouldn't fix anything. The problem lies in stbx. Don't worry about him. Worry about YOU.

As for him being pissed off, it is convenient for him. So what. It will blow over. The real problem here is that getting D is unpleasant for both sides. You'll both feel like you lost no matter what happens, at least for awhile. Nothing much to do about it except to do as well for yourself as you can.

To that end, stick to business only with him.

And don't stress too much about your recent email exchanges. In the big picture, they are trivial.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 08:16 PM
OT))))))) thanks for talking sense into this foggy brain, i'm very emotional right now and seeing not straight, thanks for lifting my chin and talking me down \:\)


OK, about zumba, oh baby! it's my highlight of the week!!!
We dance all exotic music, brazilian zamba, belly dancing, salsa, cumbia, reggeaton, it is AWEsome, the teacher is this young woman who can dance like no one's business! just looking at her dance just makes you enjoy the class, she's so lively and happy. It is done at a studio (5$ per session, even I can afford that! lol ) some gyms/rec centers have it as part of their aerobic classes, try it if you can.

All women go, young and old, 2 left feet and all, lol, we just go there to have a great time, you can view some video on youtube. The oddball that I am I bought a belly dancing belt to wear to class :), the kind with little coins, and it looks so nice when I dance. Now & then I get to go up on stage to dance alongside the teacher.
I come out there dripping with sweat, and happy! you forget all your troubles when you dance there, I plan to go there at night once 4nowH takes my angels mon-tues.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 08:34 PM
Cat,

I go to a dance studio as well. I take something else but they do have classes that teach all of those dances. They don't call it that though. I know it's popular because when we get done that class is getting ready to start and there are lots of people waiting to get in. I go with 3 girlfriends. Maybe we should look into that for a change of pace.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 08:47 PM
try it! and let me know how you like it. I know the line was unreal when they first had it at my gym, you had to take numbers, eventually the class was so crowded they started charging the members, classes where packed.
Posted By: Sad1 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 09:10 PM
Hi cat03 -- I'm sorry you're having a bad day. If it helps, I just wanted to say that you've done something nice today for someone else... me. As you have done, today I choose to no longer live in denial but accept where I am and make the best of it.

Did someone say dancing? Who dosen't like to CHA-CHA? For me, dancing is therapy.
Ya baby...dance, dance,dance...
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/10/08 09:33 PM
Well I started out in yoga with a group of friends. Then a male friend had asked me to go to this studio and take ballroom. I was really uncomfortable with that, but I did go to a have see. Then I saw this other class. It looked like fun and the women were laughing and joking. I went to yoga and told my friends and it sparked their interest and the rest is history.

I'll bring this up to them as well. Maybe it's time to try something else!

Thanks

Hey sad ...cha cha cha
Posted By: Aud31 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/11/08 03:35 PM
Morning Cat--I hope your Friday is better. \:\)

OT is right on the money--the emotional battles will blow over and become things of the past, but that healing won't start until you can keep yourself from engaging in the painful interactions. It's easier said than done, but part of the growing process. You're already mostly there hon, you KNOW why you have to keep working on detaching, biting your tongue (or typing fingers ;\) ), getting yourself to do it is the hardest part, but will get easier with practice.

You are doing such a fabulous job--hang in there, I wish I could come to your dance class, it sounds so fun!
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/11/08 04:27 PM
smooches to all)))))))

Feeling MUCH better, just came from seeing my C (who used to be our MC)

Boy, do I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to voice all my complaints hurts anger, there were a lot of issues I had resolved in my mind already but it felt good to voice them out loud, to have him remind me how many times I had stood for my M and had done all I could.

I have to write 2 great things I got out of my session today. One was about how upset I automatically get when talking to him in regards with SA I'd get so angry, and he validated me telling me that it is understandable since he's the one abandoning the family and this is hurtful. But to also think about how my emotions are serving ME? if the anger is used in order to protect my or the children's rights, then it's constructive, otherwise, to think what those emotions were doing for me.

The other biggie, was about my self esteem in regards of ow, him leaving me, how I viewed myself. He told me that I didn't need male acceptance *specially 4nowH's acceptance* to view myself as a talented person. That despite all the crap he put me through I stayed in the right path, I offered good things to him anyways. That daily I bring good things to the table in my Rs with my children, friends, coworkers.

That 4nowH didtn' have the final say in my worth since right now he is blinded by that fatal attraction to ow, who despite being nothing short of a prostitute, low moral unbalalanced woman is still around. That that R is based on emotion thus he can't see what he is loosing: a family and a partner who is responsible grounded and respectable. For now there is that pull she has on him, that that kind of R isnt going to develop well.

So they might end up together, married, whatever, since H never got over the thought that he was responsible for her for lying to her and that he always wanted to save her--that was who he is now, someone I dont' want with me, someone who wasn't able to fight for his family, to give it his all for something worthwhile. C said how he had told him he respected all my good qualities/moral standing but that he just couldnt' relate to me. That part I'll chalk up to good ol' MLC, because he was a very uptight conservative person who looked down at people who cheated/lied, etc etc. and now he is around a person who represents the opposite of what he used to believe in.

I was feeling much better already by morning, but I'm so glad I went, I feel like this octopus who was squeezing my heart has been pried off it and now I can breath freely \:\)
Posted By: catfan Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/11/08 06:13 PM
Quote:
He told me that I didn't need male acceptance *specially 4nowH's acceptance* to view myself as a talented person.


Cat this is so true and it's something I think we are all struggling with, acceptance and approval from our spouse. I know when I have those times I struggle this really is at the core of the problem. What we need to do is make sure we learn to recognize when this is happening with us so we can pick ourselves up.

So when you do feel better, feel more confident in yourself, what is it that you've done that's made that happen?
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/11/08 06:23 PM
well, I guess I've accepted that H's opinion is not infallible, it was at some point, because he always had been the man of my life (I really didn't have a serious bfriend before him). I guess it also involves taking him out of the equation as far as how much he means to me. I use to value him highly so his opinion mattered a lot.

Now, sadly, I have to recognize how low and deep he's fallen, he isn't that good man with morals and spine I married. I have to accept that the person I choose has fallen, I pity him somedays, maybe some day he'll open up his heart to God and will find goodness again. In the meantime, he is broken, he knows it, and I now will plan a life without him.

fig reminded me of another point C brought up, that as much as I wished to go back in time and do things differently things would'nt have changed, H would've still made the bad decisions he made because HE was the problem, I did all I could, the rest was up to him.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/14/08 03:20 PM
Doing ok today, bear with me, I'm a believer \:\) I think when one is doing fine and getting stronger is when the enemy tries to drag you down even harder, so I think this is what is happening, I was doing so well 2wks ago, and lately I've regressed to denial, NO! I dont' want to be in denial, I want to remember that H was FAR gone, when he was with me he had plenty of chances to make things right, but he was just miserable in our home, no matter how good I made things for him, until he fixes himself he'll always be miserable and unable to give.

I've asked myself, what I want? what kind of man Iwant for life? a man that is glad to see me, who thinks of me as his friend, who lovingly would caress my face and love me, faults and all. 4nowH is FAR FAR from that kind of person.

Crawling from rock bottom, God is great and has answer my pleas for help.

I'm a Shakira fan (she belly dances real good too \:\) ), just wanted to post partial lyrics to a song of hers that calls to me now:

Don't Bother

She's almost 6 feet tall
She must think I'm a flea
I'm really a cat you see
And it's not my last life at all

Hey hey

So don't bother
I won't die of deception
I promise you won't ever see me cry
Don't feel sorry

Don't bother
I'll be fine
But she's waiting
The ring you gave to her will lose its shine
So don't bother, be unkind

For you, I'd give up all I own
And move to a communist country
If you came with me, of course
And I'd file my nails so they don't hurt you
And lose those pounds, and learn about football
If it made you stay, but you won't, but you won't

So don't bother,
I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine
Promise you won't ever see me cry

And after all I'm glad that I'm not your type
Promise you won't ever see me cry
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/14/08 03:31 PM
she can move things that I didn't even know existed!!!

sheeeeeeeesh!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/14/08 03:50 PM
lol! true
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/14/08 04:20 PM
ok, I just have to unload the gems I stole from MLC (nutty chick, lwb)
Quote:

You drop all notions of how someone is supposed to act. You stop trying to control their actions through your own because you can't control them anyway and you just live your life and let them live theirs

OW is not a threat to me. She did not break up my marriage, home, and family. It was broken a long time before she came along.

...people tend to forget the bad and remember the good. Human nature is a bit like that. You go on holiday and have had a great time you tend to remember the two sunny days, forgetting the 5 rainy ones and the long queue at the airport … If you don’t already; try to journal what is going on, on a day to day basis. It is a great way to offload anxieties and worries and to see how your thoughts change over time. It is also good to look back on for patterns in your H behaviour and your own and see if you can see a cycle...

Give up ow. You have got to. She will eat you alive. Not physically, but your OBSESSION (yes, obsession) with her is going to destroy you.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/15/08 04:31 PM

Never allow...

Never allow your heart to suffer in name of love
love is an act of happiness not of suffering

Never allow your eyes to shed tears for someone
who will never make you laugh

Never allow your name to be uttered in vain
by a man who isn't worth it

Never waste time with someone
who will never have time for you

Never allow blind passion to take you out of real life
to take you into one that never existed

Never allow your feet to walk in the direction of a man
who keeps running away from you

Never allow hurt, loneliness, resentment, jelousy and anger
to weaken the amazing power that God put in you.
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/15/08 04:59 PM
I LOVE that cat!!
Posted By: Lissie Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/15/08 05:07 PM
Cat, I love that too

I have to print that out.

You sound really good Sugar.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/15/08 07:39 PM
hey girls)))) doing alright, a little scuffle about H using the stupid shed he built in the back of the house, but other than that ok.
He built this club house/shed for his stuff, he has his things there and wants to be able to keep his stuff there for 5yrs (until im done paying him), my L told me he should only have a few mths, when the D is final on Jan, how would I feel to still have him come over still? we had agreed to 2x a month, but come to think of it, 5yrs is a long time for the stbx to show up. I didn't mind that at all before, but now things are different.

ANYways, it's a beautiful today and my dad is fixing my car's breaks \:\) less $$ to pay to the mechanic.
Posted By: kml Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 02:09 AM
Tell him your new boyfriend will not appreciate ExH coming over to visit his things while you are both nude sunbathing in the back yard. He should get the picture! \:\)

Ellie
Posted By: SallyM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 11:53 AM
wow, 5 years? that is tough. I wouldn't want h's stuff here for that long. I'm already annoyed at the stuff that is still here in the house, even though most of it is in the basement at this point. I sure as heck don't want it around after the divorce.

no words of advice, just sympathy. and lol at kml's post.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 03:27 PM
lmao kml!!!

thanks Sally, Im trying to cook up some sort of half-way deal now.
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 03:44 PM
you could bulldoze the shed down

whoopsies...

that front end loader got a little ahead of me

hope there was nothing in there

Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 03:47 PM
...and the lady with the bountiful bosom gets the cigar!!

Lmao!
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 03:50 PM


just look really confused


i threw out all of LSS crap that he left in the garage when I moved.

I told him about it

but he never came

it was with particular glee that I chucked all his winter clothing and precious comic books.

when he called ranting about it at a later date, Imade sure to sound like I was so confused

i just assumed he wouldn't want that stuff anymore

and

then I added

"it must be because I am such a stupid stupid girl...somethinghe always said I was"

I ended it with a giggle

he called me a beyatch when he left (the lies he told about me were something else)
so I figured he might as well get a little taste of what a real beyatch was

besides

i am not his mother

if he wanted that crap he should have come and gotten it!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 05:34 PM
lol! stbx also has tons of comic books in my house.

Stbx told ow I was an abusive mother, unbalanced and emotional unstable who wielded knives! guess it would've fit the bill if I were to make a bon fire with all his crap, lol (just kidding, wouldn't do that, i'll let him clean all his crap himself)
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 06:37 PM
was just on the phone w/him, he is on MAJOR a-hole mode, started asking me what was my "disfunction", being very agressive,I really wanted to keep my cool and asked him to calm down, he kept asking me he didnt' see why it would make me unconfortable him storing stuff there despite the fact that I did tell him why, he was being just awful and raising his voice, so I calmly told him I couldnt' talk anymore and good bye.

He sent an angry txt saying how I might've as well get a f*cking lawyer that he was done talking to me, that "if you dont' want to fix things dont' talk to me " huh?

Anyways, I actually have seen how I have brought conflict into our talks, was fully intending to give in a bit more and he turns into the harpy from hell. Great.

I dont' think he'll actually drag this to court, but it makes me feel uncomfortable the way we ended the convo. I was reading this great book yesterday about conflict and it said something like "you wouldn't want to be in dissagreement with your sitter/day care, with people who will be taking care of your kids for half their life, then why would you have a bad R/communication line with your ex? That really stopped me in my tracks. I'm a green horn here, and I admit I was making things difficult because I was hurt and didnt' let my mind think smart. I do not want to be communicating with him at this awful level.

He has not called nor txt back, I txt back that we could talk when he calmed down, and that perhaps if he agreed to cut the lawn on the back yard where the shed is he could use it for 5 yrs, no reply either.

Great, now I feel unsettled.
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 06:39 PM
i like the lawn mowing part

he is a 3 year old having a tantrum

I think it is great to acknowlege where you have made mistakes and your motivation behind them

however

this is a 3 yr old having a tantrum
give in and watch him do it every time

or

walk his happy assssssss right out of the store
leave the cart sitting
and just leave
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 06:49 PM
SIGH, I guess he is fig, he has 9 stiches on his head from busting this guy at work, I called him last night to talk about this mess and he didnt' pick up, he just told me he had been sleeping the entire time due to the medication, so maybe he is being an a-hole because of the meds.

I'm not proud of myself, I didnt' realize that NOW is when we start setting the standard of how it will be from now on, our communication in regards to children.

OK, taking a deep breath... and remember that tomorrow is Zumba day \:\) \:\) \:\)
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 07:01 PM
Cat,

STOP TALKING TO HIM ON THE PHONE. STOP TEXTING. Use email where you can censor yourself and communicate in a businesslike manner about ONLY business issues. You are NOT going to build a great co-parent R in the middle of the D process. The best thing you can do is STICK TO BUSINESS.

I really hope you will go with your L's recommendation — a couple of months is more than enough time for stbx to remove his property from your residence. It will not be good at all for you to have him have his stuff there for five years, not at all. Trust me, that is NOT a healthy tie to allow to remain.

Get this over with before things get worse. Quibbling about a few thousand dollars is soooo not worth it. First, it may lead you to wind up costing you more (stbx is going to keep getting more difficult). Second, few thousand dollars is not going to matter much a year from now. Just get it done.

Get honest with yourself about why you keep initiating counterproductive contact. It is not going to do you any good financially or emotionally or R-wise.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 07:09 PM
Cat,

You really should stop engaging him and don't let him bait you. When you get into these bouts with him he feels justified in walking away and calling you all those things. You feel badly because you're mad at yourself for acting that way. There's a part of you that feels that to a certain extent you deserve it. Everything you've written has been written before. We all knows how this feel.

The thing is if you don't engage, and keep it all business, then what is he going to say? If the shed is a huge issue to you and you don't feel comfortable talking to him face to face, then either spell it out in an e-mail, or let your lawyer handle it for you.

Above all don't let him bully you and push you around!

Good luck.........

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/16/08 07:23 PM
I was ok talking to him about it, he started out being mean right off the bat. He doesnt have internet all the time, that's the prob with email, and since we are doing mediation I have not retained a L.

But I totally see your point Beth, luckily, at least about the SA, this is the last issue we were arguing about, I was really trying to stay all business, he started out with the "then give me my damn money then" and crap.

And to an extent he is bullying me, I will not call nor txt him again, next time we talked will be on Sunday when he comes for the kids, so until then I will let this be.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 05:03 PM
OT, I also think 5yrs is too much, but he tells me it's still his house until he's all paid off and I take his name off the deed, which I can't until I refinance and that's not looking good, my rate is nice and low. So, until the loan I paid he thinks he should have his stuff there. I suggested at least he could mow the lawn, he said he'd think about it, then called (perhaps talked to ow? who knows, dont' give a rat @ss anymore) and he was adamant that he had too much on his plate, too much to deal with and that I was the one squabbling over small things, splitting hairs, that I have been fighting him every step of the way, that he has agreed to so much already (waiting 5yrs for his money) and that I just want to squeeze all I can from him.

DEEP BREATH.... this jerk isnt' going to make me upset anymore.

He said it'd be "tying him to me" to agree about the grass (HELLO???? and what about tying ME to him that after the D can come and put stuff there???) We had talked about 2x a month and that he had to call me first to make sure it was ok.
That he was having too many problems as it is, that he had to cut his mom's grass and that it's be another bone of contention between us, even as I said he had to cut it only 6x a year when he could.

He has been totally inflexible about the latest things, he got wed. mornings, got to claim my son, and now he won't give in an inch.

I"m very tempted to tell him it's 4yrs and that's my limit. HE had the nerve to tell him that he was forced to be bringing up just going through Ls and court so many times because Ive been so inflexible, I told him it is him loosing his mind not me.

I really really wish it'd be only email, but he still doesnt' have internet.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 05:49 PM
4 years isn't going to help. A couple of months is reasonable. STBX is exactly right about the lawnmowing thing. And, that is exactly why him storing your stuff at your residence is a problem. STBX should have no household duties. Nor should he have any household benefits. This is a *divorce*. Your lives will be separate in the future. He doesn't get to keep the small bit of his old life because he finds it convenient.

Talk at the mediators, you don't need to talk before then. You don't need to justify or explain it. All you need to say is: "I will consider allowing you to store your stuff at my house for a maximum of 3 months if you sign something that says I am not responsible for any damage or loss to it."

As for the house and him owning, I urge you to do whatever you can to make that NOT the case. Take out a loan, borrow the money from family, max out the credit cards, but pay him off now. It is soooooo not worth having that tie to him for five years. It would have to be an unmanageably huge chunk of change for the financial costs not to be worth your increased quality of life.

And, he'd probably be willing to take a reduced amount (maybe 80 or 90%) of the total to get the cash up front.

A word of advice: quit looking to STBX to perform any husbandly duties or to do things for you as a friend. He is not your friend. He is your husband only legally. In every other way he has left the M. In any way that matters in a non-technical way, he is no longer your husband. He is not someone you should look to as someone who plays a part in how your future life goes in anyway, other than related to support payments and how to exchange the kids.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 05:52 PM
BTW, there is also snail mail which usually only takes 1-2 days in the same town.

Quit talking to him.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 05:58 PM
Yup Cat He's way out there in lalaland. He thinks that he owes you nothing but he's entitled to do whatever floats his boat. What does your lawyer think about this? I mean, I know that you can't force him to come over and mow but this works both ways. If the house is to remain in his name as well for 5 years, then shouldn't he be responsible for upkeep? I can't believe that it all falls in your lap just because you stayed and he decided to leave. He does expect the profit from the house split 50/50 right? I would push to get something in writing. If he doesn't want to help then fine, but then you should be in for a bigger percentage of the sale price since you will have been the one who has the burden of the upkeep!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 06:32 PM
Well, the amount is pretty huge OT, it is 23,000, wish I could get that much on my hands, I looked into loans, but the lowest they've got is 8%, and no way I'm going to burden myself so he can walk with that much on his hands (which he repeatedly told me he'd rather have of course).

My L is the one who told me he should only store his stuff there for a few mths, before I was totally ok with him leaving his stuff there until whenever (something he's whining about, how I said it was ok now I'm splitting hairs)

I wasn't expecting him to mow the laws as a friend, but as a trade off for allowing him to put his stuff there, to which he said it was still his house and he could put stuff there if he wanted to.
Quote:
. He thinks that he owes you nothing but he's entitled to do whatever floats his boat.

mmm, hadn't thought about it like this, he does want his cake and eat it too.

This is pretty much the last thing we are not agreeing about Beth, then it is all done with the legal SA with the mediator, we are getting it all in writing.

Wish I wouldnt' have to talk to him OT, but because of kids I have to, sometimes he has court so he can't watch them, we need to talk about the pets he and s9 care for, etc etc, I can't help it. A while ago I did keep a stupid faint line of hope of "something", but honestly, at this point I am not looking for any connection, he might've as well live in the moon as far as i'm concerned.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 06:48 PM
You don't have to talk to him about D stuff. You have to talk to him about childcare.

Consider this:
How much does that loan really cost?
Loan Amount: $ 23,000
Interest Rate: 8%
Length of Years: 5
Monthly Payment: $466.36
This loan will really cost you: $27981.42

You are talking about $5000 over 5 years. In my book, it is well worth that to have STBX out of your business.

But, you should be able to get a better deal if you give it to him up front. He can have the cash NOW (which he wants for magic life with OW) and he can make interest on it.

So if you offer him $20,000 up front:

How much does that loan really cost?
Loan Amount: $ 20,000
Interest Rate: 8%
Length of Years: 5
Monthly Payment: $405.53
This loan will really cost you: $24331.67

This option only costs you $1300 more, spread out over five years — less than $300/YEAR.

How much does that loan really cost?
Loan Amount: $ 19,000
Interest Rate: 8%
Length of Years: 5
Monthly Payment: $385.25
This loan will really cost you: $23115.09

At $19,000, you pretty much break even, it costs you an extra $20/year. Somehow, I think STBX would accept $4000 less to get the cash now.

Of course, you could start the bargaining at $17,000 (for a total cost over 5 years of $20681.92) and then split the difference to end up at $20,000. (The TWENTY part of that might let STBX feel good about that.)

If you really want a reasonable trade-off for him using the storage space, charge him market rental rates for a storage space that size starting after 3 months. Somehow, I think he'll manage to rent space at U-haul. But, again, the better move is to just get his financial interests separated from yours, now.

P.S. The loan costs were calculated here: http://www.bankrate.com/brm/cgi-bin/apr.asp
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 07:46 PM
wow OT, had not thought about it at all!

stbx just told me today his debt is getting bigger each passing month and is hurting for money...hmmmm, I like this idea. If he accepted that much I think I'll be happy with that too!
I did get a quote for a loan for 8.4 a few weeks ago from my bank (dorks were supposed to call me back to explain me about points, never did) anyways... I think the rate was lower for a higher loan, the rate of 8.4 was based on a 10,000 loan.

I just talked and talked to a drone from the loan dept. from my bank, lets see what they say, they will call back with a quote, crossing my fingers)))))))
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/17/08 08:32 PM
Great!
Posted By: Deliberate Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 01:33 AM
Cat - hopefully the following is helpful?? Buying a point means that you are paying 1% of your loan amount in exchange for a lower interest rate. I do loans (but not mortgages), and my understanding is that it is in your best interest to buy down as many points as your lender will allow. The $ spent on points is tax deductible. As an aside, I would also suggest looking around to see if there is a credit union that might be able to offer you the loan since the rates and quality of service are generally better than a bank's (of course I am biased on this based on where I work).

OT speaks the gospel truth with regards to the idea of getting your STBX out of your business sooner rather than later. I only wish I was in a position to do the same! Best of luck to you.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 02:24 AM
USAA is great for loans and you can do all your banking online, even deposits.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 02:09 PM
thanks Del! phew, I think I understand, lol, some homeowner I am :P

There are 2 reputable credit unions in my area, I heard good things about them, will check the rate, also for USAA, thanks for that tip!

Now, the only thing that bothers me is that, what if stbx looses his job and is unable to pay me child support? I'm counting on that as a way to pay off the bank loan (provided I get it). He's have 19k in his pocket and I'd have a 5yr loan on my back. The way it is set up now is that if he doesn't pay child support I dont' pay him any $$ for the house (my L's idea). Without his CS I couldnt' pay the loan, I dont' make that much, I make enough and just a bit more, I guess I'm considered middle income.

He is going under for a colonoscopy next Tues, (I know cause he can't take care of d5 that day and had to let me know) The dr wants to check that his acid reflux that never goes away isnt' due to a hernia..or a cancerous tumor. His mom told me he's very worried about it, guess because of our latest arguments he didn't convey his fears to me (guess is better that way). I pray it is nothing wrong, honestly. But, the sad truth is, if it is cancer that also affects me financially in the long run (PLEASE understand, i'm not being heartless, heaven forbid anything happens to him, as a human being and the father of the kids-- I just have to think of how I'll take care of my children), what if he can't work anymore after 3yrs or so, what would happen, how would I pay the loan back?
I guess it could happen anyway at any given time, but his family has a history of cancer, his dad died young at 53 from a cancer originated in his stomach/lower back, but that's something I was thinking about this morning.
Posted By: ACJ Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 02:29 PM
Sounds like our Hs have something else in common. My Hs dad died when he was 57 also from cancer. FWIW I think this is partly responsible for thier MLC.

Now that I come to think of it both cancer and D run in my Hs family. What was I thinking of when I M him?
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 03:15 PM
hey toots)))))))))) I saw your post on the list of M who made it, there were quite a few stories there similar to mine and even worse (with ow in and out) and for a split second I thought...what if I hang on longer? but, those W/Hs stopped their Ds, stbx is bent on getting the D done as soon as the year of waiting is up. And frankly, it would take a few yrs for stbx to be normal and able to be the man he was, the man I loved, I have been waiting for that man since Sep. 2005, it's been 3yrs (someone waited out 5yrs of MLC!) I dont' think I could wait that much, it'd wear me out and I just couldnt' handle that long of a rejection.

I dont 'want to harbor any hope, I dont' know if their sitch was as dramatic as mine, with all the uglyness lies deceits and betrayals I put up with, I gave 200%. SIGH

great

I have now to remind myself of what my C told me: "each time he's come back from ow he seemed sorry, he kept saying the same things, only to do it over and over..."
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 03:33 PM
Hey cat,

You know, I really believe that they have to be on their own to work through it for a minimum of 5 years. I too know people who's husbands have come back and for a while everything seemed ok. The trouble is those old demons seem to rear their ugly heads once again because the WAW hadn't totally individuated and finished the job.

I didn't believe this in the beginning nor did I want to hear it, but I now feel that the only chance (if that's what you want) is to cut them loose. Hopefully then they will understand what it's actually all about.

Have a good weekend!

Love,
Bethie
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 04:00 PM
after stbx came back in 06 I didnt' realize I rushed him home, i wanted him home so bad I didnt' care how badly he was doing internally, I believed he'd be fine with us. He did agree during MC later that month that he thought moving back would make him feel better but it didnt. He moved back too soon. How soon until he would've gotten better? who knows, perhaps never. He really needs ADHD and antiD medication, but due to his job as cop he refuses to take them, afraid to disclose those problems since he heard they let people go who had mental problems of that magnitude.

There could be a chance for our M, but he won't take meds, his job defines him, this is the first ever that has given him any satisfaction, his other jobs were awful and this is the only one he actually loves.

I now regret a exchange we had at the beginning of mediation, he was telling me how awful he felt, I was conforting him, it was alright, I got a glimmer of hope that perhaps it was a sign he wanted to think about SA, when he disclosed that he still wanted to D I lost it, I told him how much of a coward he was by running away from his problems and taking the easy way out. Since then he never opened up again to me, and Iater I decided it was for the best, since it was destroying me to let go of him, perhaps this way I wouldnt' feel attached to him anymore this way.

Perhaps even that talk wouldnt have gone south things still would've deteriorated and he still, like now, has contact with ow, at what degree is their R alive I dont' know,l but that truly bothers me. I have mentioned it before, but ow has huge mental problems and takes some medication, she lost it and threaten suicide when she found out there was no D, disclosed to stbx how she also had a double life and showed him xxx rated picts of her which she sold to this guy whom she had sex with for money. He cried to me, disgusted, how he couldnt' believe he gave her a foothold, how disgusted he was, he could've given him something. Later on, he kept on about it, how he couldnt' believe how angry he felt that she was with another man, he didnt' use the word but it was jelousy he felt, jelousy!!! at her whoring herself, he hurt that he wasn't her only man! and there I was, consoling HIM. He always wanted to save her, felt totally responsible for her, she did tell him how he ruined her life and she knew how to get in his head, he admited to it "she is using me because she knows she can" arghhhhhhh! how can that woman gotten into him like that? he was with me for so long, 13yrs!

His unhappiness is deep, world deep, ADHD people feel outside this word and can't relate half the time, so I know how he feels at some degree. Would he ever take meds? would that help him see how valuable our M was? I don't know, I don't. Someone told me meds arent' all, that the person has to decide to not give up and fight for what one wants (he is fighting for his M as well), that depression isnt' an excuse for all.

Is this really a loosing battle? am I kidding myself right now thinking he could turn around before the year is up? :S great, need to call my C to move my C date now.
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 04:08 PM
so meds are not ok for him to take with his job but having an OW is OK?

I know a lot of people in law enforcement
and
they say he can't be let go

and

if he was that is discrimination

they couldn't let him go if he were a drug addict but was seeking help (American's with Disability Act)
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 04:55 PM
Cat,

I agree with fig, he's full of crap! I think that some men are more afraid of facing their issues then doing something that would make them feel better.

I so can relate to your wanting husband to come home and you accepting him no questions asked. We all think in the beginning that if they would just come home we could fix this, but it never was about what we did or didn't do, not really. Unfortunately it's not until much later that we understand. Sometimes I really don't think that there is any right or wrong way to handle this. He would have found something in almost anything you said to get angry at you for.

I'm not saying that these things don't ever work because I have heard stories of marriages that have. People over in MLC seem to think that the WAW will just work their way through the magic tunnel. That's baloney. This is their personal journey and it takes years. After 5 years I am just now starting to see some consideration from my ex.

First off, I don't know if you know this or not but Hearts Blessing who came up with that timeline did not have a husband in MLC. Oh I wanted to believe that there were definite similarities because it meant that happy endings were possible. In fact her husband was only distant for months not years and I'm not sure that he ever did move out. I know he had an affair but you don't have to be in MLC to do that.
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 05:35 PM
was emotionally hijacked for a moment there gals))))))))))))

You are right, and if there were ladies who stood by while their H's went back and forth to ow every 3mths, more power to them, I stood by mine after he went back to her 2x in a matter of 4mths and it was sheer hell, and I dont' want to live like that nor wait 5yrs. IF, and that's a big if, IF he ever got the guts and brains to want me back he'll fight his way in (which I doubt it, the core of the problem was that he couldnt' face the consecuenses nor come clean nor fight for what was good) , otherwise, he is not the man for me.

I was part of a group cops wife online, and they asked for me and told me same thing, they can't fire him. I told stbx back then, but nope, he wont' take meds.

And yet again I doubt God, wondering, trying to piece together a future in my head when I know zilch of what is going to happen. I leave it all to you dear Lord, for all my effords to keep H have been pointless.
You gals are totally right, it was all what he was doing. I went down fighting.

Quoting Frank_d

Cat03 is worth fighting for, but stbx has always run from a fight.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 05:47 PM
Yes cat,

What you're doing is the tuff stuff. It's so much easier to run then to stay and fight.

You know cat, I was like you. It was hard to sit still and believe that God had a plan for me, especially when I was in so much pain. Once you start to heal reasons become clearer and life becomes happier. Things and people come into your life that you couldn't have imagined in your wildest dreams. Your life will be good again whether that means with your husband or without him.
Posted By: fig Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 05:56 PM
Cat
i never in my life imagined the wonderful life I have now

it was beyond my comprehension

I remember the letting go...that feelingof inner peace

I wish it for you
that feeling that there is a plan and I am OK without knowing it

and

truly

I did not know how to imagine this well!!!
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 06:59 PM
thanks babes)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

crisis adverted, I'm SO glad stbx didnt' pick up, (cringe) I actually called him and was (oh dear) going to ask him if he still wanted a D (rolling my eyes)

Thanks for giving me a glimpse of how a good life I can have, will have...God willing.
I will be more than ok \:\)

another idea stolen, this one from frank_d again
Your wife chose this course once before and, for whatever reason (perhaps due to your efforts), she changed her mind and waffled. But the decision never went far from her thoughts. In a sense, I think it was always there, waiting for "justification" to re-activate it.
Yup, that was stbx when we were piecing alright, he actually had the nerve to tell me, when I found out about ow during the summer that I wasnt supportive enough and complained about his work. GRRR, we talked 90% of the time about his work at home, spend any $ we had on gear for him, he could go anywhere he wanted and do anything even if it meant less time for the family, just so he'll do well at work, I was in the back burner ALL the time! and turns out, I was "not supportive" Bleah, more madness from his part.
Posted By: ACJ Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 07:16 PM
Cat I find it very interesting that your H 'thinks' he will loose his job if he goes on medication that he needs. What does he think will happen if his employers find out he sleeps with women who are tantamount to a prostitute?
Posted By: cat03 Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 08:16 PM
his captain did find out! not all the truth, but he got chewed out good \:\) , bet it was very embarrasing. As it is he's already not doing well at work, all his demons are kicking him now and he's a nervous wreck, his life was so much better when he was with me, before he got the ow back in he was doing excellent at work, healthy and happy. He's a mess now, everyone knows it at work.
Posted By: BethM Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 08:39 PM
Oh cat,

It's so sad to see this happening to someone we love but only he can turn that around. Until he's sick of being sick and tired nothing will change.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: unevitably aboard the D train... - 04/18/08 08:45 PM
Let's suppose that in fact you still want to reconcile.

There is no way to get from here to there that involves you pursuing STBX.

Now, if for 100% SURE you want the divorce, by all means, keep trying to get him to say things you want him to say, to see things your way.

Glad he didn't pick up the phone.

"ADHD people feel outside this word and can't relate half the time"

You might find it helpful to drop this description of people with ADHD from your mental picture. I think it is pretty negative and pretty inaccurate.
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