Time to begin another thread. Time to begin.
A new day's dawning, and with it, plenty of exciting new opportunities....
Shall we banter about that a spell?
FL
Well Gabe...........
I like to banter and I would like a drink to go along with it!
Thank you very much...ahhhh, I feel so much less stressed!
oh!!!!!
Drinks!!!!!
um............
hows about a capt and coke
i love bantering!!!
G,
I couldn't help but chuckle a bit about your convo with S8 about how stuff gets out a guy's penis.
I remember having those convos with my S b/c I knew his Dad would not. I even recall him asking me how gays and lesbians do it. I wasn't prepared to go there, and even then I didn't know much about alternatives, so I just told him I wasn't sure, but the important thing was they were in a loving R with each other.
It was a tough place to be for a single mom, but in retrospect, I believe I did very well by my S. I see him now (nearly 25), and he is a loving husband and father, well grounded, a good teacher. I believe his W is the only woman he's ever slept with, and I believe that is something he cherishes (although I'm quite certain they didn't wait till they were married). He and his W seem to have a very good M. On the surface, it appears she's in the driver's seat most of the time. OTOH, I've seen her push him just a tad too far, and all he had to do was give her a "look" and she hushed.
OTOH, I see my poor, dear DD28, who is struggling and who's life is a mess. She has a very poor track record with R's. Her R with her dad is a mess, and she's still trying to get him to come to her rescue. It's nearly cost her the guardianship of her own DS2.5.
Children can and do survive divorce, and can grow and become wonderful, productive, happy adults. IMHO and my humble experience, what I think really matters is the R they have with both of their parents while growing up.
M
Single parenting presents us with many unforeseen challenges, but I really think no more than parenting when both parents work.
Regardless of a situation, we deal with the hand we have, working daily through emotions, homework, laundry, conflict and all the joys of life and children we honestly could not imagine our lives without.
Welcome Friends, to my humble abode!
Glad to help out Bethie. Yes, the bar is now open. Pick your poison, folks.
I think I feel most relaxed about the chaos that is parenting when I realize or remind myself that I am doing my best, and that he'll survive. In fact, he's thriving. Now its up to me to work harder at enjoying this short time with him.
FL
How about a wee bit of NyQuil? Never mind, that has alcohol. TheraFlu?
Opportunities. What a concept. I met a few people today whom I had not seen for years, and some asked about my ex-wife. I explained that "she had other things to pursue which were more important to her," and one guy laughed, then praised my choice of words. He hasn't gone through this, but he's had his own struggles in his life. We talked a bit about how this has worked out so well for me. Who da thunk it when first posting in Newcomers, eh? Not only was I not going to be on this forum, I was going to be the success story poster child. After all, my WA was "different."
Thanks,
Joe
Who da thunk it when first posting in Newcomers, eh? Not only was I not going to be on this forum, I was going to be the success story poster child. After all, my WA was "different."
I don't remember you saying that.
Now honestly Joe, aren't you at least kinda glad that you are on this forum? It's no fun on newcomers....there is way to much pain and suffering. And don't tell anyone, but I think that "baby steps" are the two most evil words in the DB dictionary.
Fl, welcome to your new thread. I'll take a red beer....I find the tomato juice is good for me.
Well I was the one who told my kid all about the birds and the bees. He wasn't very comfortable but since his Dad wasn't going to do it someone had to.
I used to bring it up in small doses seeing he didn't really want to talk about it. Oneday when I brought it up he asked me if I had a problem, because all I wanted to do was talk about sex. OK
Oh man I posted to the wrong thread Gabe. It was on your other thread that you were talking about the birds and the bees...sorry!
No worries, Bethie. Two running threads for one person confuses me, too.
Wes, that red beer must be a midwestern thing, as my X and her Dad did that, too. I just couldn't get myself to ruin a good beer that way...
On another note, I wouldn't worry too much about the kids not bringing up that sort of D talk. That may happen years and years later, or not at all. S8 seems to need to process it. Maybe the more fictional propaganda or historical revisioning that occurs, the more a child needs to ask someone, "is it just me, or do I remember myself/us as happy and the family as a good thing?" The about-face can really throw a little person, even a big person...
I was thinking the other day how I still have not a single video of his baby years or todderhood. Makes my blood start to boil before I simmer down with my mantra, "Serenity Now!"
Joe - Nyquil? Theraflu? Those were part of our lecture on a recent weekend about substances, including sniffing permanent markers.
What ever happened to the days when a kid could settle back comfortably in his desk to guzzle some good ol' Elmer's glue without getting hassled by anyone?
Hope you all have a great weekend.
FL
We had another flag football game - got beaten pretty soundly. Yet we did well, considering only 3-4 kids have made most of the practices. When I asked, "What did we learn today?" after the game, I did so 'cause I could see the hurt in their eyes. I pointed out that we often learn so much more from our mistakes than from our successes. I also pointed out that I learned that we need to practice more, with several parents voicing a renewed commitment to get them there.
I find myself watching these little people with amazement. They learn so quickly, and are wonderfully silly. They're kids.
My X's nearly whole family showed for the game. They sat off in a far corner - no cheering, no support of S8, just watching. Eerie. She had managed to dress S8 in another players jersey (too small; must have gotten the other kid's during a play date last week), and left S8's jersey at home, and dressed him in illegal shorts. So on top of it being picture day, I had to deal with being one jersey short for the team photo and S8 in tears about not being able to play.
I felt the way I remember feeling during the M. I'm not a control freak, but it's a sign of self-centeredness to repeatedly be well prepared for one's own business, but to drop the ball in so many ways for one's loved ones. I felt helpless b/c the jersey and things were at her place, and I had assumed she'd prepare him. Despite preparing well with plays, player snacks, checking with kids and parents, my son had a less pleasant time in part due to her and their behavior.
She pushed for this extra weekend with S8 due to family being in town, and I dumbly said yes, with her following that up with requests for me to take S8 here and there so that she and the adults can go do adult things. Today I pointed out that she had asked for the full weekend - my weekend - and now was attempting to twist things to appear as if I didn't want my son. Unfortunately, I booked work, including a business dinner tonight - all things I never would have scheduled were I to have him.
When I pointed out that I regularly help her to meet work obligations by watching him in a "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" way, she yelled out "Excuse me? That's kind of inappropriate!" and got off the phone. Likely for the benefit her audience/family , but just plain weird, icky.
Anyway, please send a few prayers of protection my way. I feel the weight of a lot of negative, ill-intended presences directed toward me. I hope this/they all blow out of town soon. And I'll remember this in the future in terms of saying yes to her having S8 again.
Best,
FL
FL,
You and S8 got prayers on the way, pal.
You're in a tough spot. If S8 has any connections with her family at all, you would come across as the "meanie" if you didn't make changes in your weekend plans while they're in town. It doesn't sound like they made anything special of their time with him, but you can probably guess how your "stubbornness" would have been portrayed to him.
You're doing good by S8, though, and he may not always verbalize it, but you can bet he notices who makes him a priority and who doesn't.
Hey, I hope the extra practice time will help out. Gotta get your guys as happy as all those color-blind Packers fans
down your way are after yesterday's game, right?
Thanks,
Joe
Hey Joe,
Wasn't that last Packers-Seahawks game an instant classic? Wow, Favre having fun throwing TDs and snowballs at his receivers. I'll be shocked if he retires, no matter what the outcome of these playoffs.
You're right that I'd be the badguy. But I'm the badguy now for letting her have him. X is in an icky place again. She's throwing mistruths at me "I've had him for 4 straight weekends" when such claims are blatantly false. We were in friggin Phillie then!
It's not quite psychotic - just very immature lashing out. She wanted him, but she didn't want him. I can't keep up with that kind of waffling, and it can't happen, not with my son.
S8 shared that he overheard his Mom saying, "I had one chance to have fun on my BDay, and now it's gone!" on the telephone Sun night. My heart sunk as I asked him how hearing that made him feel, and he said, "You know how we wanna do things on your BDay? I thought she'd want me to..." then broke off, choking up. I could tell he didn't really want to say more, so I just hugged him and kissed the top of his head. FL: "You are an awesome little boy, S8. Just incredible." S8: "That's why I like being with you. You're my best parent." I said somethings about his mother loving him, about how he'll find good and bad in each of us, and noted how I had scheduled work for the part of the weekend we had planned for her to have him. I clarified this last part b/c I wanted to undue any falsehoods about my choosing to be away from him. I would never reject my son, and I wanted him to hear that again, so that there was one home he would know he always has access to.
But it killed me to hear the sense of rejection in his voice.
Why can't some folks just grow up? Wisdom sure don't come with BDays.
FL
Morning,
Continue to be the great Dad you are and less focus on her; it is probably not healthy, we don't talk about their Mom around here unless it has to do with schedules. She's not in our life, so no need to include her.
Did you mention to x in a neutral way, this was not true and she had requested S for the weekend and you are curious why she might say something like that?
Hi Bruce,
No, we don't talk much about her, either. He was just very upset this time. He literally leapt into my arms running from her car, shouting "Dad, I missed you!" Moments like these are a validation of our love, but also a worry, as I don't see those moments toward her. I want to see them, but I don't. However, it may be that their R is just different.
While with me, S8 does kid stuff and we are very busy each day with things like homework, football, piano lessons, cub scout meetings. All around which I sandwich Dad's brought-to-home work.
In a sense, life goes on, and as it has gone on, X has been crowded out of my home. We mention her - along with others - at bedtime prayers, and he seems to feel free to spontaneously comment on his time with her from time to time.
The moments in which he questions me or bring up stuff that hurt him to me (either with her or with me), I don't see as unhealthy, Bruce. Its open communication, and it's him using me as a resource to help him thru childhood. But you're right - the questioning about the other parent and other household wouldn't be good for a child. We don't do that, and I don't get the sense of a lot of that happening with her. I think we're well past that stage of the S/D.
There is a part of me that's been wrestling with the Bible verse, "If today you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." I perceive this to be more about not closing oneself to God's will - which might lead one to any range of possibilities. Yet, I do wonder about my lack of any feelings toward X at this point.
Do I have a hardened heart? Or am I just healed in part from the D and the loss of that R?
FL
I don't believe it to be hardening; I think simply at some we have to move on or we make ourselves emotionally and physically sick. We can unconditionally love this person forever, but it will not change their perceptions, behaviors, thoughts, actions; at some point we have to become neutral to let go of the past.
That's a great way to put it, Bruce.
And you're right. How many of us felt absolutely drained by that whole S/D process?
This feels a heck of a lot healthier, hey?
Coaching the little guys tomorrow. X left with S8, so he'll miss the game. About half my players are from D'd parents, so it's interesting to see the back-n-forth b/t the parents. The boys just seem to want to walk onto the field and be boys, to enjoy the game and not have to deal with any of that.
Anyway. Happy Friday, Everyone!
FL
Hey,
Why would S missed the game because he is with his Mom? Even when the boys are with their Mom they made games, practices, etc. This is part of being a parent, being involved in your children's activities and making the committment for them.
Oops, maybe that is the answer.
True.
I have had convos with S8 about commitment and staying true to one's word. The issue has come up in the past, during our basketball seasons. X has not shown clear understanding or desire to consider the impact of her behavior on others BEFORE acting, so I'm merely focusing on S8's understanding of relationships, including issues related to fidelity, loyalty, and commitment in family, on teams, etc... When he feels bad about such misses, I just point out that such choices and outcomes are his mother's responsibility, that he is not at fault.
Benevolence intervenes - the games today were rained out (I would have loved to see S8 enjoy a wet muddy game), and he'll be with me on Monday for practice.
I'll heading out to put in a few miles running before the storm really hits.
This'll be a good afternoon for a chair, a warm blanket, and a book.
FL
Had a weirdly varied day today.
Worked for 3 hrs in the am, with Celeste watching S8 for me. Then shot a bow with her son and S8, helped Celeste hang curtains for her mom, then coached football in the late afternoon.
It was a cold drizzly afternoon. The boys were complaining a tad, then when I said "Do you think this is how the Packers felt last night", I could see them thinking about how different our cold is from real cold . S8 and Celeste's son are two of the youngest on the team, so they are struggling to keep up, but that was how I learned as a kid - practice with better players tends to make one better faster. I talked to them afterward about trying hard while staying patient with themselves and they both seemed to get it.
Anyway, it was fun to pretend I was Lombardi for awhile. But truth be told, I have too much goofy in me, so by practice's end, I was chasing them around the field while we were doing a lap. The goal was to not let the old coach catch up with them - which I made more exciting by roaring as I chased them.
In terms of other stuff, things have returned to a peaceful place with XW, with my scheduling my time with S8 on a calendar for her to see how much I had him more concretely.
Celeste remains somewhat somber. I can tell she's spread rather thin. Her SF used to help with the kids somewhat regularly, and there are signs of slippage here and there around her mom's place that I know are worrying Celeste. I've been using the extra time away from her to catch up around my place (Christmas lights are finally down!) and to work and work out more. Committee work ends in a week, with a tamer work schedule to follow.
I found a great running song for the MP3 player last year and found myself thinking about it while standing out in an empty field with the 8-10 year old players on my team in the cold. Something about my being there, post-D but with S8 and other boys, doing my poor attempt to coach them but realizing that I'll likely treasure that hour more than many others I'll spend in the office and elsewhere.
Rob Thomas "Little Wonders"
Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulders
Don't you know the hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels
All lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end
All lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
All of my regrets will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
They still remain
These little wonders
Oh these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders
Still remain
Happy MLK Jr Day, Folks! Keep the Dream alive.
FL
Update
I'm in the middle of a weekend with S8. It's the first since the holidays due to some juggling for X. I'd forgotten how nice it is just to enjoy my time with him without worrying about the time ending soon. He seemed to take a good 1.5-2 days to relax in with me again, but since then its been back to normal/comfortable.
We enjoyed his football game, and I welcomed X when I looked up from my clipboard and noticed her on the sideline midway thru. S8's face said it all - he appreciated us both being there for him.
We went to Mass at a local church that I remembered praying fervently within during the early days of the S/D, and I remembered wondering then if the pain would ever go away. Thank God it has, and life has become enjoyable again.
He's enjoying a play date right now with a teammate following practice, and I'm once again amazed at how healing it is to see the fun had by children despite or in spite of life's complexities.
Celeste and I are doing as well as can be. I find myself wondering if she's still struggling with her SF's death or if she's cooling off to us. I've stopped asking her about it as that seemed to be based on insecurity, and instead have kept my eye on my own function/improvement and my parenting of S8, enjoying my time with her when it comes. In a sense, although we live within 30 min of each other, its somewhat of a long-distance R pattern, with us seeing each other weekly at best, and usually having time alone together every 2 weeks.
I've been working at acknowledging and enjoying life's little blessings, with less worry about the future and less focus on the past. The latter is harder to do when one is frequently interacting with one's X due to coparenting, but not so very hard when that interaction is peaceful.
Hope your weekends have been pleasant.
Best,
FL
FL,
We went to Mass at a local church that I remembered praying fervently within during the early days of the S/D, and I remembered wondering then if the pain would ever go away.
I was remembering at Mass today all the time I spent in the chapel at S15's old school. The first bomb, two years before I came to the site, the one for OM-0, coincided with my appointment to the school advisory board and my first meeting of the board. I remember sitting there with the other parents, teachers, the host parish's pastor, etc. and trying to concentrate on why we were there, all the time wondering if the OM was at the house at that moment.
Then with the OM-1, 2, etc. sitches, once I was online here, I was at the school chapel each morning after I dropped him at school and before he got out for the day.
Gosh, it does feel better today, doesn't it? But I wouldn't trade all that I got from that time for anything my ex-wife could provide.
I find myself wondering if she's still struggling with her SF's death or if she's cooling off to us. I've stopped asking her about it as that seemed to be based on insecurity
I'm wondering as I read along how you recognized that? Have you asked about how she's feeling about her SF's death? Are you keeping all your "R-book lessons" in mind?
Hope you and S8 had a great weekend!
Thanks,
Joe
FL,
I understand the insecurity that comes from starting over; the old relationship meter giving warning bleeps when things seem "off". Yeah, there is a lot of insecurity. I used to prepare myself for moving on whenever I would have a fight with Indigo....kind of like, "I need to get out before I get too emotionally invested in this". That, of course, was a very unhealthy way to go about things. Maybe she would argue that I still haven't fixed that. Having a little insecurity every once in a while though is to be expected. And besides, didn't we learn that keeping a relationship going requires more than autopilot? There are times that you have to take the pulse of the relationship, even if it's just a simple, "are we okay?" or "is there something you feel I could be doing better in this relationship"?
Hey there, Joe and Jm,
Joe, it's been difficult for her. I still receive the "I don't want to talk about it", when I do check in or just comment on a reflection about her SF in terms of a memory or story. I know she's going to IT, so perhaps that's a better place for it.
JM, we do talk and have continued to work on 'us'. She's noted that she's getting frustrated about the timeline being slow and about the complexity of the sitch -e.g., getting all 4 kids into the same school with as little interruption as possible. We went on a dreaming house-hunting tour, with her conclusions about what we needed in a home somewhat different than mine. I just don't want to be stuck in a financial quagmire that drains us both of energy and passion if we purchase a too-expensive home. In our talking about it this weekend, she seemed to hear this about my concern. On her part, I didn't hear mere materialism, but could see her desire for bigger and more being based on concerns about a blended family having special needs, such as enough space for 4 kids.
We spent some time with her mom, who shared with her and me, separately I recall, that she didn't quite see Celeste being head-over-heels for me. She wants us both to be happy, and not pursue an insecurely based arrangement. I rather liked how she put it - that if I couldn't afford a big house, and that's what Celeste truly wants, then maybe she's with the wrong man.
Very blunt, but very true.
On my part, I recall noticing that I felt very different than in years past. Confident in who I am, assured about my walk in life, despite that voiced possibility. I've noticed her trying harder since that visit, checking in more and putting that intellect to work. She is far better at numbers and finances than I am, and came up with some interesting solutions over the phone yesterday.
On my part, I know it could work, it'd be a shame if a good R was stymied by finances, but important that such a stoppage would occur if finances were valued so differently. I am proud of my work ethic, my career, and my income. And I want to be with someone who supports and values that as well. I find myself not judging her at all, recognizing her realistic tiredness about raising 3 kids on her own, and struggling month-to-month despite being raised in a better financial situation.
S8 is keeping me as busy as ever. We made a fun dessert yesterday to celebrate Fat Tuesday. Pool lil' guy is struggling with allergies. It seems that he's spending a good amount of time outdoors at his Moms. Came home with 11 insect bites - raised and pus-filled - on one knee that also had a major scrape/scab on it. Very odd that it was only on one knee. Several other scrapes/scabs on his body seem to be related to him taking part in increased rough-n-tumble play at school. I soaked him in an aveeno bath and did my best to get his whiny self thru homework before returning him to his mom.
back to work!
FL
I recall, that she didn't quite see Celeste being head-over-heels for me.
Is there actually "head-over-heels" more than once in a lifetime? Head-over-heels requires a person to completely suspend belief that they have to be wary of this person they are with. If skydiving was the most exhilarating moment of your life up to the point your chute didn't open, would it be quite as exhilarating the next time you tried?
You start looking for traits that you like in a partner/mate, and maybe it detracts a bit from the "head over heels" of it all.
Anyway, get something big enough to accommodate all these kids, but don't get yourself into a situation where you have to work like a dog to pay your mortgage, with nothing to spare for anything else. Life is too short for that. Hopefully you can see eye to eye on something.
Is there actually "head-over-heels" more than once in a lifetime?
Wow Wes, this is the $64,000.00 question. Is that just a feeling that we have when we're kids because we haven't really lived enough life to understand? Maybe that "head over heels" feeling is the newness in that stage of our lives? Maybe once we're older, chemically we're not meant to feel the flow of the hormones so freely. Or does it all boil down to living in the real world after being burned in a previous relationship?
Anyway, get something big enough to accommodate all these kids, but don't get yourself into a situation where you have to work like a dog to pay your mortgage, with nothing to spare for anything else. Life is too short for that. Hopefully you can see eye to eye on something.
I also agree with this. Since money issues are the number one reason for divorce in this country, I think that it's important to know how compatable we are in this respect. That's not the only area that you need to explore but it sure is an important one! Have you guys thought of going to some pre-marital counseling? I don't think that I could go into a serious relationship, and certainly not a marriage, without doing this first.
Don't get me wrong. I know couseling has it's place. I went after my separation and I still might make an appointment every 6 mos to a year. It doesn't have to be longterm. In fact I think that when people go for years they must be very insecure and have HUGE issues. I don't picture you in that category but it's a good way to open up yourselves to what life might throw at you!
Great to hear that your son is doing so well!
Love,
Bethie
there is a difference, I think,in that head over heels feeling. Maybe it is just me but the head over heels feeling reminds me of being so excited I can't hardly breathe and the nervous, is he going to kiss me sort of feelings.
i remember those
i like the whole coming home feeling and being able to take a deep breath a whole lot better.
there is a line from Capt. Correli's Mandolin (didn't like the movie btw) that says something to the effect of we are like trees and there is the excitement of the changing seasons but deep love is in our roots where we have been meshed all along.
To me that head over heels is the rush, the excitement of the changing seasons but love is what happens underneath...where we have known it all along.
(as a disclaimer...I am hopped up on cold medicine so sorry if that didn't make any sense...i may have mussed up the quote and added my own...i'm in a fog)
[quote]there is a line from Capt. Correli's Mandolin (didn't like the movie btw) that says something to the effect of we are like trees and there is the excitement of the changing seasons but deep love is in our roots where we have been meshed all along.
To me that head over heels is the rush, the excitement of the changing seasons but love is what happens underneath...where we have known it all along.
fig, I like that. Thank you! I didn't see the movie but I sure like the sentiment.
You did ok here with the cold medicine, but I was really embarassed by what you wrote on on another thread. Oh I can't remember which one now, but take my word for it, it was really embarassing!
crap
I can't remember either
nuts!!!!
Fig, Bethie, JM,
I think you're all right on about things being different after some 'maturing'. I'm only 40 yrs young, though, so I'd still go for some of that thoughtless, lustfully overwhelming passion, tho...
.
.
.
Okay, okay, gotta stop that... Lent has officially started.
<= ( me exploding with unspent libido)
I get you. It is different. Probably better, longer lasting, and more assured. Blah, blah, blah...
I stopped by after work, and helped her kids do some homework before heading out for Ash Wed services. Her youngest was running around with one of those Hanna Montana wigs - very hilarious, but she agreed to let me wear it to church if I wanted to. I thought better of it, figuring that I'd look like a Nelson twin that time hasn't been kind to. Celeste was frustrated that she couldn't go and told me later that she was upset about not spending more time with me.
We talked about us, and our communication, and about the pluses and minuses about being completely honest with one another (she was watching that show where the poor fool is hooked up to a lie detector while intruding questions are asked about one's spouse or fiance). Anyway, things are going pretty well.
Time and patience are my friends. Wasn't that a mantra in the early DBing days? Better add hard work and discipline to that, hey?
Late Happy Hump Day to you all!
FL
Hey Fig,
To me that head over heels is the rush, the excitement of the changing seasons but love is what happens underneath...where we have known it all along.
What a great VDay quote!
You know, I do see this. We did have the infatuation, passion-driven part, but that has been there for each of my long-term R's. The difference here is that she's very stable, mature and really knows herself. All along, this has helped to bring about this subtle, consistent building of trust that I haven't truly expereinced in the past.
Part of me still doesn't quite know how to play along. I was used to drama, upset, not knowing what might happen. When that's not present, its easy to think that there's no "passion" when instead, it's likely s/t better.
Thanks for the quote.
FL
well I had this beautiful post full of deep thoughts but...bam...gone
so I will try to recapture it....
I was very used to drama too. In my relationship now I will often toss down my drama card just because I can't figure out where it went!!:)
In my past relationships I became very used to abusive behavior. It is part of that cycle. we gravitate to what we know. I might not have liked it but I sure knew how to function in it.
C is amazing. He actually says what he means and he lets me blow around him, trying to find the edges. He is offened by my need to make sure on my own and he is always waiting with a smile when I finally stop whirring around him and stop to look up in amazement.
I have been very blessed.
and
i am finding out that stability and maturity and the truth are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY sexier than the drama I was used to
"C is amazing. He actually says what he means and he lets me blow around him, trying to find the edges. He is offened by my need to make sure on my own and he is always waiting with a smile when I finally stop whirring around him and stop to look up in amazement."
whoops
I mean not offended
my heart was swelling with love and obviously worked faster than my fingers
Sorry
he is not offended by my need to do anything
FL,
I missed you by phone again, but I found the most interesting thing online today.
Was
FL a competitor? Enquiring minds want to know.
Thanks,
Joe
Happy Easter, Everyone!
I've been scarce around the board lately. Noticed the same of my DBing 'class'mates. There's something positive about it related to moving forward and onward, hither and thither, I'm sure.
Been very busy. I've had S8 fulltime for the past 2 weeks. He went to visit his Mom overnight, then will be back this afternoon. As rocky as that has been, he and I have been just fine. I figured out afterschool care to help me, as I'll have him fulltime thru much of late spring and summer. He seems to be profiting from this increased stability, and I've found a way to do what I need to do to keep work, him, and sanity going.
The hardest part has been exercise, with the solution being lifting wts or rowing at night, and getting him to help me exercise, as I work when he's away from me. We've worked out a system of his riding his bicycle while I run, and jogging/watching while I run laps. We had fun during his spring break, with his enjoy heckling and doing ninja attacks at me as I rounded each lap. It'll be a long road toward truly being fit, but I've started.
Recently two old buddies from high school contacted me out of the blue. Felt both odd and reassuring to tell them about the D and my life since. Both reminded me of my roots and it felt good to reconnect with longterm Rs.
My engagement continues, with us continuing to be patient at times, frustrated at others, yet realistic about the complexities of running our separate households, families, and lives while working on 'us' - not easy, but not too hard either.
Work continues to be busy, yet fruitful. The univ job has its crazy moments and sad political bs. If not for S8, I'd likely look for healthier setting, but I'll keep trying to make it work.
Joe, ha! No - not a competitor. Thanks for thinking of me, tho.
Life marches on, doesn't it?
FL
FL,
Good to see you finally post; I've been looking for an update. It's nice to see posts from the "class of 2005" (is that right?). I still hang out here to much to pass the time at work. Sounds like you are keeping busy. I'm glad things are going okay for you and Celeste. Are you scared?
Me
Hey there, JM.
Thanks for checking in and I'm glad you're still visiting the boards.
I wouldn't say that I'm scared. I guess as time marches on, the bachelor mode begins to really set in. I find myself enjoying my own time either on days that S8 is with his mom or after he's in bed. It's great to be able to strap into the running shoes even late at night, whereas with a partner around, it wouldn't be as easy?
I'm very invested in parenting, while she seems to be like uber-mom, going to all her kids events, even on her non-weekends. More power to her. If they were mine, I'd maybe go, but not always. When I coach, yes. But when I'm not, I'd give X that time to enjoy with S8 separately. That's a bit of a sore spot with us, as is her decision to work (job) on the weekends that she doesn't have her children. She notes that its a financial decision, but it leaves me visiting time with an exhausted woman who has just clocked a 12-hr shift. We ain't going dancing on that schedule - or church together, or out on adult dates.
I find myself a wee bit ansy, realizing that I could head out of town for a trip or do those things with someone with different priorities.
Recently, she's made it clear that she will not spend time with me if S8 is around. There have been some rough spots b/t her and S8 that suggest that the honeymoon period is over, and that now she's really processing what it might be like to be the stepmother with three of her own. My stepping in to not allow him to be maltreated by my sense of bias or favoritism have just led to some sense of detente, with no real resolution.
We've talked about "us" time. My take of her take is that she's waiting til to kids grow up to pursue adult interests. My take is that if one does that, one tends to never do it, because health issues and retiree/money issues tend to set in. Plus, parenting and kids never truly go away. They merely move out and transform into s/t different. I tried to arrange a trip to Chicago with her, but she declined. So S8 will enjoy a cool trip with Dad instead.
The long term nature of our engagement seems to be giving both of us pause, with the locked in slowness of the annulment process and the home equity topsy-turviness making things much more sober than one year ago.
I also think she's in a low period, and that her every mothering load is keeping her busy enough. She's suggested couples therapy, and I agree that it'd be good, but I'd like to see her work on herself more to get more personal answers before we do that.
It's not as dire as that all sounds (I reread my writing, but will leave it as is). She's taken up exercising more, as have I. I'm investing more into my spiritual life, adjusting my work to make it less about serving others and more about pursuing my research passions. We both agree - importantly - that while we have separate households, we need to function in a sustainable manner, with personal healthy habits taking up time that we might otherwise spend with each other, but likely will need to spend alone to pursue such things.
On the other hand, I've realized that I've backed way off, b/c when I pressed for more 'us' time earlier, the 'control' labeling came out, and I just will not tolerate that false claim from another woman. Instead, I guess I'm setting her free by giving her space to work out her stuff, working on myself, and enjoying the smattering of time I get with her here and there.
One could say I'm DBing with someone else now. It's different now, b/c I know I'll be okay no matter what, that I will not spend my life working to blindly pursue someone else's financial dreams, and my R with S8 cannot be harmed by my romantic interests.
FL
Greetings ...
I'm very invested in parenting, while she seems to be like uber-mom
That's a bit of a sore spot with us, as is her decision to work (job) on the weekends that she doesn't have her children.
I find myself a wee bit ansy, realizing that I could head out of town for a trip or do those things with someone with different priorities.
Recently, she's made it clear that she will not spend time with me if S8 is around.
We've talked about "us" time. she's waiting til to kids grow up to pursue adult interests.
I've backed way off, b/c when I pressed for more 'us' time earlier, the 'control' labeling came out,
I will not spend my life working to blindly pursue someone else's financial dreams, and my R with S8 cannot be harmed by my romantic interests.
FL
What advice might you offer my friend here, who seems to be having some relationship woes and some might suggest, red flags?
***deleted by sg at request of poster****
Red flags? Red flags?
I would say getting remarried within a year and half of divorce is a GREAT big red flag.
No realistical, honest way can a person be ready emtionally, physically, psychologically to commit to another relationship.
The loss of a marriage and the loss of a person and the loss of yourself and what you thought you knew takes considerable time to heal.
FL-
It looks like you gave up the BB for Lent and came back with a vengeance!
I'll keep sounding like a broken record, but what is your goal. From what I gather, you seem to have a few, but can't seem to find (want?) the right balance. Marriage is love and love is a decision.
That C is interested in counseling is a great thing and that you're having some struggles is not a bad thing either. It shows a lot for the future. In fact, I truly believe that if I ever get remarried (assuming I ever get an actual D and an annulment) , I almost hope me and my prospective bride can suffer through some crisis, because that's when we really see the inside of us and/or another person. C has already experienced some of that and you gave her the time to work through it. Can you accept what you saw? Did it make the two of you grow closer or move apart?
Anyway, peace be with you and take care of S8--he will always be with you.
Gabe,
shoot me an e-mail if you want to discuss any of this. Do you still have it?
Me
Wow, Bruce, Me, Gabe and...er...me all here recently?! All we're missing is Joe.
Bruce, good to see you.
Me, good to see you.
Gabe, I share your troubles. Getting into a new R is like jogging in a mine field for me. As I write, another dating experience in the sh!tter. Not worth the time or headache, seems like sometimes. Someone always gets hurt. It's human nature. Even the one's we love the most end up hurting or disappointing us.
Not sure how this relates to your sitch, but I wanted you to know you weren't alone in life challenges post-D.
Kitchen's servin' up sh!t sandwiches. You either take a bite or go hungry.
Take care buddy!
Ha! Kev, that was well put. Well put indeed! Classic Kevin. Merrick, my goal? Hmmm, hard to put into words, but I'll give it a try. My goal is a mutually giving, loving R with a woman that's blessed by God and the sacrament of M in my church, one that does not put S8 in harms way but that adds to his life, enriching it. An R that helps me to grow more complete as a man. Bruce, while I don't think we can use universal timelines regarding healing and dating, I do agree that my year (or maybe 14-15 mo) of no dating and intensive work on myself was very necessary for me to heal and to prepare for dating. I must say that the initial dating was healing in and of itself, with these 1-4 date experiences helping me to see the positives in women and to recall my enjoyment of female companionship.
Life is good. Recall those early days post-bomb, and life probably can be seen as wonderful.
I can see the many many blessings and rewards in my life. I love being a Dad, with S8 and I literally having what many fathers and sons don't - a whole house to ourselves to romp around in and to have it be as we see fit. I get to plant spring plants where I want to with no debate present, I get to prepare meals as I see fit. If I'm tired, its by choice.
Rs are great. Yet they require a lot of compromising.
I see Celeste compromising a lot to give me the time that she's able to. I also see her point, that her family system has suffered a really deep wound in the death of her SF. It will take time, and time is one thing I also need. I need it to keep working on myself, healing from the D, shedding more emotional and personal baggage that remains.
I've learned a lot on this path, with my learning pointing to the need for a reciprocal relationship. Nothing short of that will survive in the long run.
I've learned not to chase, but to let things be, to take care of myself, to pray, and to trust. I was working on a front yard flower bed, pulling out the plants that didn't survive winter, yet noticing the many that appeared dead at first glance, but actually were showing life at the base, merely needing to be pruned, fertilized, and watered so that they burst back into life. I have several very mature plants that grown quite hardy in this manner of care.
It is so much easier - at first glance - to throw out the old R and start off again with a new version. Yet, the same tiring, careful work remains at developmental points or times. I'm more comfortable with working on things and giving us enough time to heal and grow.
This past weekend, there was a balancing act of some time with C and some with myself. Part of that alone time was driven by C choosing to be with her kids. I poured my time into myself, doing runs, improving my home, and going on outings I might not have in the past. C and I enjoyed our time together. Yet my alone time was very pleasant as well.
I'm not ever going to expect a woman to fill my heart. That space will be fed by my R with God, my R with my son, and my R with myself.
The love of my life, the woman of my dreams, will be attracted by that balance, will not be overwhelmed by my needs, and will have her own pursuits that will make her needs less dependent on me. There is no need to finalize this R in M or to pull the plug.
These things take time.
JM, I couldn't find your old email address.
FL
The love of my life, the woman of my dreams, will be attracted by that balance, will not be overwhelmed by my needs, and will have her own pursuits that will make her needs less dependent on me.
Interesting you say the love or your life, not C.
Most of your positive comments are about you and S8 and the house, not the relationship.
It is almost as if you are defending her actions.
I do hope your relationship is successful, we all want success, but I can feel you pulling away from the relationship and more back to yourself.
Well, I up and eloped with Celeste. I know it'll work out, cause love is all you need, as the Beatles say ...
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April Fools!
Good observations, Bruce.
Yes, I do believe that satisfaction and happiness have a lot to do with oneself. A lot has to do with one's perspective taking and one's expectations. A lot with the focus or values that one holds.
In my case, each time I feel off-balance not fed, I can slip into old habits or patterns and try to pull from the other what I want, or I can feed myself. I noticed while dating and in my R with C, that I tend to draw more mutuality when I feed and nurture myself first.
You are very right, tho. I don't need anyone else. I want her and want the R, but I won't wither away and die if she chooses s/t other than me. Mutually does not equate with dependency.
I think many of our WAS's had wounds and issues that predated many of our Rs. Many unfulfilled needs that maybe the other viewed us as capable of filling. But we did and could not do so. Instead, the hole in their hearts or psyche remained, frustration grew, attention wandered, and we were left behind.
As LBS, there's great likelihood that many of us now have similar sizable wounds, that we can drag along with us in a predated manner into future Rs. And you're right, it wouldn't be fair or set the table for success.
I think it IS important for us to feed ourselves, to do our own work, and to push toward healing prior to asking someone else into a mutual R. I'm not sure if that 'work' ever gets done, or if it is a manner of just ongoing lifelong development toward maturity and different levels of adulthood.
FL
I took S8 on a mini-vacation of a few days at the non-mouse amusement park in Orlando. A bit of pampering and loads of fun. I actually enjoyed the rollercoasters again. Turned off the cell phone, leaving the worries about work, etc... back home.
Top 5 overheard conversation in those amusement park lines (now THAT's a great place to people watch...):
1) "Now's NOT the time to pick lint out of your belly button!"
2) "Wanna see my third nipple?"
3) "All right, who busted a grumpy?"
4) "I'm gonna get, gonna get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump." (song and dance routine)
5) "How long have we waited?" (for the 27th time during a 58 minute wait for a pterydactyl ride that lasted ~ 27 seconds and resembled coasting down a small hill on your bicycle with your legs out to either side - Wheeeee!).
As I told my son back in the hotel room, with us wearing matching hotel bath robes with S8 sipping a milk and munching on a browniee while I enjoyed some well-deserved cab : "Son, it doesn't any better'n this!" We toasted each other and that moment, an instant classic.
Have a great week, Everyone!
FL
Hey Y'all!
It's been a busy week so far. I have S8 for ~ 1 month straight. He seems to be enjoying life here. He suckered me into taking in 2 free guinea pigs that he got from a neighbor. Both of us are apparently allergic - I think its an adaptive thing for humans to be allergic to rodents, don't you? I got some spray and a brush that should help. Maybe I'll soak them in the tub... kidding. They are cute. The anxious, timid gray one is "Wolf" while the relaxed, easygoing brown one we renamed "Bear" (go Cal!).
S8 has his first communion on Sunday. The boys are wearing white tux's - very Sat Night Feverish. I plan to take lots of picks that I can embarrass him with in adulthood.
I'm a bit nervous, as I'm hosting a small party afterward, and don't have a lick of ideas beyond warming up the grill. Celeste gets to meet my 2 sisters. Ha! Payback time! Now she gets to deal with my family!
Its my last week with admin duties at work. A bit sad in terms of the nasty politics and unmet goals, but truth be told, the ugly economics and budget issues of this time are going to shortchange any grand ideas. Time for me to step aside gracefully and invest in my own career.
S8 rode his bike while I ran yesterday eve. He crashed while not looking at one point, and when I ran up to him and comforted him and checked him out, I found myself remembering his earlier years. This time, he started apologizing and stammering, and I just said 'don't worry about that' and 'what did you learn?' after we had reached the calm state. Importantly, he got right back on and we finished our route. While celebrating with some italian shaved ice (isn't that the bomb? ) I remember feeling happy. Just plain contented.
Lots to do before company arrives. But it will be fine.
Hope you are all doing well. I follow the threads from now and then. Not posting as much, as things are kind of going along at a more regular pace. Celeste is out of town, X is out of the country, and S8 and I are enjoying Guy Time.
Happy Hump Day, Folks!
FL
FL,
Sounds like things are going great for you. I'm jealous. Having the kids a month straight sounds really good, although the housekeeping would probably take a turn for the worse during that time. Glad things are going well for you.
Me
Hey there, Wes.
It has been very nice. Surprisingly very quick. S8 and I were amazed today when we realized how much time has passed already.
He enjoyed the visits of his two aunts. It was special to have both sisters visit and love on my son. He seemed to appreciate it. They both repeated two main themes - how surprised they were that my household was being run so well (they must remember me as their screw up brother) and how good looking and smart S9 is already. I could tell that he was getting a little tired of their efforts to share their advice/wisdom with him.
From their visit, I took several things. First, I'm getting a bit stuck in my bachelorhood and need to cut Celeste more slack. Second, I'm doing great as a father, but need to invest more in myself as a person. Third, I need to put my work in perspective, not letting it suck the life out of me anymore.
To be fair, I've been in survival mode for awhile, given that I've recently been through the dreaded S/D routine. But I'm past that now, and it's high time for me to reevaluate my time/investments.
Both Sis's like Celeste. I also realized how important family is, and how important my time with S8 will be for his future Rs.
Speaking of time with S8, we spent Fri night at a minor league baseball game, then camping out on the baseball field with ~ 1200 other scouts and their parents. The kids watched
Sandlot til 1am then I just remember crashing into sleepy oblivion in our tent. I remember fading away while asking myself why I had volunteered for this semi-refugee camp experience, including tent-dwelling, overflowed toilets, and wild kids running around pulling pranks despite the presence of dull-eyed adults. I'm sure we'll only remember the fun had by all.
We went and saw Speed Racer and Iron Man. 4 stars for the former, 3.5 for the latter. After both, S8 had the creativity bug, and I took him to my workshop to make a wooden "robot arm" at his request. He surprised me by making dinner tonight - PBJ's, goldfish crackers, and gatorade. S8: "You're not a mom, but I wanted to make this for you" It was an interesting, intense moment, full of both wonderful love and some pain. The former b/c I'm confident about the love b/t us, the latter b/c I wish he had more from his mom. I insisted we draft an e-card for his mom, who's still in Europe for a few more weeks. One call to him so far.
Matthew 7.6 says "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." I believe - as most parents do about their children - that my son is definitely a pearl who will profit this earth and humankind immensely. It pains me b/c it pains him to see him slighted by his mom.
He was able to feel the love of his aunts during the past 1.5 weeks, and he definitely showed his appreciation beyond that for his time with just me.
Perhaps this is true of most single parents. We have become both mother and father during our times with our children, so now both holidays apply in part?
I do not deserve such a wonderful son, but I accept him readily. He humbles me.
FL
Wow FL,
That was really touching. I'm glad things are going so great with your son. Take advantage of this time...before long, dad may not be as cool.
I went over and played softball with the kids yesterday. They never really got involved with baseball, so their skills aren't the best. It was parents versus kids. They had a bunch of them, but the parents handily beat them down.
efore long, dad may not be as cool.
i think I passed that milestone a few years ago...
The good news is that I'm now into the goofy "So what? I can still embarrass you" stage.
That softball game sounds like a keeper, JM. Good times had by all that'll form great family memories.
Take care.
FL
Hey Me, FL!
Hope you guys are well!
Kev
Hey Dawg!
How's it going out in Big Country?
On my part, things are pretty good. I've been making myself catch an extra hr of sleep per night
(up to 7 hrs now) and have been way less weary. Duh!
I pulled into campus this morn, and when I noticed a crane flying right next to me, cruising along about 20 ft off the ground. And I thought - taking a deep breath and touching briefly on work, my Rs with S8 and Celeste and family - I have a good life in place.
Life is good.
FL
Hi Gabe!!!
Your life does sound like it's going great. I'm so happy for you!
So S7 becomes S8, and the 2 of you continue to get closer. Lucky little boy! I did feel for him though. I can't believe that his Mom wouldn't want to be with him on Mother's Day. Wonder how he dealt with that in his little head, and I've also wondered what she must think of herself to not make the effort. Could it be that she herself doesn't feel that she deserves it? It's all so sad.
Glad to hear that things are working out with you and Celeste. Hopefully you are working through all of the differences now. It's so strange to think that the things we stress over now could have been their the first time around but we were too young and inexperienced to even view them as potential problems. We just accepted everything. Sometimes I think that as a result of what we've been through we tend to overthink. Ah to be young and foolish.........
Take care & don't go changing...........(I can sing it for you if you like!)
Love,
Bethie
Gabe, this is for you!
CHINESE SICK LEAVE
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work!"
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work...You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.....You got nice house!
warn a girl bethie!!!
jeepers
now I have coffee to clean up
and my nose to blow
yikes!!!!
OOPS!!! This will teach you. Always carry a stain stick in your purse!
I can't be responsible for everything you read and react to...SHEESH!
I have a stain stick
I think you are rubbing off on me Bethie!!!!
Ok then..........now we have to go through your purse item by item to make sure that your covered. Except you really don't need the 15 lipsticks and glosses that I always seem to carry with me in case of emergency.
I don't know how to wear lipstick
Thanks for the chuckle, Bethie.
I have no comment about the contents of purses. It amazes me how much a woman can tote around, tho.
Hopefully you are working through all of the differences now.
There is indeed work to be done. We're in the middle of tiff right now, triggered by a continuance of no/little time together.
Interesting timing, too, as I received the first level of confirmation regarding my annulment request. There remains a 2nd review in another diocese, which could reverse the decision. But I doubt it.
Receiving the letter about the annulment left me with a mixture of feelings. Relief, excitement for my future, yet also a bit a sadness for the past me who naively walked into a buzz saw, not doing enough prep work for the M. My bad. Regardless, it is reality and I believe is an important part of my healing process and my continuing on with my life.
I've had a couple of nice lunches with friends from work and a dinner with a friend from out of town, with the general impression being that folks are/were a bit worried about how worn I've been. This job was taking on a bit too much importance, and I chose to neglect myself too much. As I've noted before, its high time to reverse that trend, busy schedule or no. I gritted my teeth and ran a solid 5 miles this evening despite the heat, my tubbiness, and the need to prep for an upcoming business trip. Celeste is opting out of going after all, and there goes a non-refundable ticket.
In a few weeks, I'll be heading west to see my family, then venturing north in a roundabout sort of way with S8 to see big country. It'll be nice to just get lost for awhile - lost in a good way.
Hope your Hump Day is a good one!
FL
It does seem to be getting longer b/t posts for me. Either that's a sign of healing or just general apathy or laziness on my part.
There is something very useful about this process of posting and getting input from others, as well as giving the same to others. Kind of like getting your journal reviewed and edited?
We had a good trip out west. I left feeling really connected again to my family. My dad has survived 2 battles with different cancers, and still walks/jogs daily in the Albuquerque area, which has rather thin air at 5k ft elevation. Leaves me sucking wind. S8 was able to hang out with Grandpa and I as we meandered for 3 days in my dad's truck and camper. Not as far as I'd hoped, but plenty of fun adventures and stories nonetheless.
Back home, like is good. Celeste's mom bought her a huge beautiful house, which has taken a bit of the press off of "us" in some ways and added different press in other areas.
The peace b/t XW and myself continues. Maybe not peace, perhaps more like detente.
Continuance of more time with S8, with yet more at summer's end with XW traveling to the Middle East.
It is an interesting place to be for me. I have realized that we - meaning XW and I - held very different key definitions from day one - but we didn't recognize or perhaps acknowledge it until it was too late. We'd already tied the knot. Success, happiness, family, love, fun, faith, purpose, peace --- all defined so very differently. I don't fault her for those differences any more. I couldn't do that any more than I could fault someone of a different faith or culture for not seeing things my way.
On the other hand, I know myself so much better. I know so much better what pleases me, and how to care for myself and S8 in ways that leave us contented.
Just rented
Definitely, Maybe tonight. In fact, that triggered me to post. I cried hard at the parts with the child pulling for a reunification or for knowledge about the "family" she did not know. Yet, I think I "got it" in terms of the single Dad - both in terms of his struggles and his acknowledgment of fulfillment via his role as dad. I found myself nodding vigorously when the Dad notes "YOU'RE my happy ending" to his daughter when she keeps pushing for some sense of his happiness post-M.
I think each of us could say that about our children from our dissolved M's.
I saw a lot of Celeste's Ds in the girl character. Both are very intuitive, almost scarily so. Girls are a whole other league.
G'night.
FL
Gabe,
Definitely, Maybe is Definitely on my to see list. I had an inkling it would be a tear-jerker.
Glad you're doing well.
Hey Kev,
It was worthwhile, at least as a rental...not sure I'd pay the kadrillion $ to see it with popcorn and a drink at the theater, but it was good.
It's been a doozy of a week. First, jury duty - first time in my life. Thru my work schedule waaay out of whack, but it was over on Tue.
Then I had another first - my 1st colonoscopy. Can anyone sing "Moon River"? When I awoke, the nurse said I came out smelling like roses. I think that's a good thing.
Then after Celeste dropped me off at home to sleepily enjoy my remaining demerol high, my pastor called to tell me that my M annulment had received final approval. We talked for a good 30 min about the impact of this news. Hopefully, I didn't sound too goobery, as Celeste said I sounded drunk when she talked to me after the procedure. Father encouraged me to receive this news as a fresh start, similar to walking out of the confessional in a cleansed, healed manner. I am free to enter a new M or to become a priest. You name it. I'm free.
Today, while picking up S8, X asked me to pick him up at her house so that she could show me his room. She'd laid laminate flooring and painted it for him. She's leaving on another foreign trip, so I have him for awhile again. Seemed melancholy and low for someone about to embark on another adventure. I assume she received the same annulment news as me, but there was no wondering or wishing for the M left in my heart. Things remain about her. Our values and choices are different. It doesn't make her a 'bad' person, just someone who'd make a poor partner for me, as proven.
I'm free to pursue my dreams and to work hard to discern what the good Lord has planned for me. A clean bill of health, a great little guy to help start the 3rd grade next week, and a beautiful fiance' who owns her own beautiful house. Good friends and reconnected strengthened Rs with my family. Life is very good.
I'm still humbled by the D process. Maybe humbling is part of the healing process, with us walking thru insecurity and regaining some self-confidence. But perhaps holding onto some humility allows us to weigh reality with a better view of a situation or R's strengths and shortcomings. Less naive, more clear-headed.
S8 and I will go to a family gathering with Celeste's family this eve, then venturing on our own this weekend.
You folks are the best. I truly admire your hard work at continuing to grow as individuals and the efforts you put forth to support one another. This is a unique 'place' in the world.
FL
Spent last night hanging out with Celeste's BIL and 6 kids, including a 4mo infant. The women and their mom went out for a 'girls night.'
At one point, I manned the fort with all 6 while BIL-to-be made a wine run to the grocery store. Celeste's oldest helped translate what the 4mo seemed to want (boy, its been awhile since I've dealt with a real lil' one). We had a good time talkin while the kids played. The loss of C's StepDad still makes me sad. I know it still hits them all hard.
This morn, the kids had me battle them on a PS2 karaoke-like game. I beat C when we sung a Clash song, triggering various excuses on her part - what a sore loser
, then lost to each girl on various tweener songs. Lots of fun.
Off to pack my first school lunch of the year - S8 starts tomorrow....
YEA!!!! Hope all is well in Survivor-land.
FL
Darn! I just knew s/t would rain on my parade...
I just found out that Mrs. Fields cookies has gone bankrupt...
Oreos just don't cut it anymore. What am I gonna do for comfort food?
Wait, didn't Kev say s/t about Cheetos? Yum! Oh, wait a minute. I just remembered what he said about where he found Cheetos dust... just lost my appetite.
Wikipedia says that Chester Cheetah, the Cheetos mascot, was created by the same guys that made up the Pink Panther. Who knew?
And now you know...the rest of the story.
FL
What is it with you? Is Wikipedia your new bible?
Go eat the Cheetos. Kevin has a problem because he doesn't wear pants.
Mrs Fields would be a tuff ones to deal with though. Ok, so here's your gift for the day. Have you tried the new soft oreos?
I used to make Whoopie pies for my kids but they areloaded with caloried and fat. When they came home on for the 4th of July they requested them. Instead I bought these things. They taste just like them but in a more controlled portion. Don't i always take care of you? SHEESH!
Love,
Bethie
How does it work, Beth? Do you deep fat free the oreos? Almost sounds yummy but tell me more!
<Gabe pours crisco into his fryer and sets it to "crispy">
No Gabe,
You must be thinking of the state fair where they fry EVERYTHING from twinkies to snicker bars. YUK!
Oh alright, get out your paper and pen here is my TOP SECRET fried Oreo recipe.
5 lbs of lard(the yellow oily kind)
Bring up to 650 dgrees
8 Oreos
Coat Oreo cookies individually w/ Yellow cake batter.
Drop into lard until light golden brown
Take out and do it again about 6 more times.
Let cool
(on a rack to drain the fat because this is a healthy version)
Now go to your wallet and make sure that your medical card is easily accessed. This is important!
Once they're cool you'll need a mug of milk for dipping. Make sure you use a mug because they are the size of dinner plates once out of the fryer. There is a very good chance that they could get stuck in your esophagus. You may want to run the hose down your throat to clear it out.
Once that's done, call a neighbor to drive you to the hospital for your heart to be monitored.
It's all worth it though because this is a WINNER recipe and always a hit with the gang. MMMMMMM
Okay, I'm back.
It took a while to work those Whoopie pies Bethie suggested thru my GI tract. Whoopie indeed!
Been spending every other weekend w/out S9 (yep, he had a BDay, growing up likidy split) ripping out carpeting and laying laminate wood flooring room by room. After that, I'll tile the kitchen and foyer and I'll be 'done'. It was one of those pre-D goals that I still want to accomplish for me and S9. May not be living in this house long, as C and I get closer, but it still remains important. Like proof about part of my surviving the D.
X and I have had a lot of convos recently. She's been calling and we've had a few dinners with S9 recently. It still involves me listening to her worries or concerns and me voicing validations and bringing focus to our care and plans of S9, but she's voiced appreciation for my listening.
Its an interesting place to be. The less mature me would be flattered that I could be there for a woman - attractive, intelligent, etc... The current me can see in the moment that it is still one-sided, there's little to no nurturance/support of me, and I can see the impact of this self-focus on S9.
The current me can also see her more without threat, as a single mom struggling in today's tough economy, and perhaps growing and being shaped at her own pace. It feels much better to have less anger and resentment toward her. I'm still self-protective, but I feel more whole, more confident in my viewpoint.
In terms of S9, its as if he's grown to appreciate time and space away, where he can be a child, be doted on by a parent who seems to have it enough together that there's not a stream of worry about the future, etc...
Regardless, I have much to be thankful for. S9 can look over while playing soccer and see his parents sitting together peacefully, cheering and supporting him. He can share a meal with them, and have compliments and loving statements made about him.
Its not as good as it could have been, but it also could be much worse.
Looking forward to an evening with C tonight, then back to my flooring, interrupted occasionally by watching recorded games. Her three kids get baptized this weekend.
Hope y'all have a great weekend, too!
FL
sounds liek youa reina good place
woot woot
sounds liek youa reina good place
woot woot
WOW....I think fig has more in her cup besides the coffee!
Gabe,
Great to see you back and even better to see that life is treating you so well. S9 sounds great and you sure sound as if you're enjoying your time with him. Nothings better then that!
So you're still dealing with the floors that never end huh? Well I know that as long as your dealing with them in your spare time you can't get into too much trouble!
Have fun with C tonight and don't be such a stranger....we miss you!
Love,
Bethie
i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaate editing
speak phonetically or something bethie!!!
I'm from Boston remember? I park the car in Harvard Yard!
Hooked on Phonics? Nope that wouldn't be me!
so you pahhhhhhhhhhhhk the cahhhhhhhhhhhh in hahhhhhhhvahhhhhhhhhd yahhhhhhhhhd
Greetings,
Nice to have a stable life; I would have no idea what that looks or feels like.
And I must say going to dinner and sitting with the x at events strikes me as odd, but then things of that nature do not occur in my very neutral dealings with the x.
Hey there Fig, Bethie, and Bruce,
Bethie, ah yes, the floors that never end... I'm close. I've passed the halfway mark with the laminate wood, then 2 more rooms to tile, then on to s/t else. I let my thoughts wander in a 'what if I lived here to a ripe old age' way the other day, and the view of my home after many creative projects was pretty neat. I'll have that with me wherever I go, as puttering and woodworking seem to be good pastimes for me.
Bruce, I wouldn't call my life stable, but it is getting more balanced. Some folks cringe when they realize what I'm actually juggling, but this version of multitasking works for me.
I'm looking forward to a my several days with S9 coming up.
FL
puttering is awesome
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
i aspire to putter
Balanced....I like that! I guess I'm kind of still juggling hoping to move more towards balanced!
Hi Gabe,
Well think of the floors as your hobby. They keep you busy and out of trouble. Besides, isn't it fun after you've completed a room to look at it with the satisfaction of knowing that you did that? When my kids were little I did many things and now look back and think Gosh how did I do that? Now I am more of a putterer and a cleaner.
I sure hope that S9 (still seems like he shouldn't be 9 already) is enjoying school so far. You guys have a great couple of days!
LOve,
Bethie
Its good to see some familiar names among the poster's. I'll miss you guys, but I'm glad to see you moving on with your lives. As for me, I will prob stick around a bit more. Betsie, I'm glad your sticking around!
Woke up this morn to see that the weather had changed quite abit. High of 50 today, which is cold for pre-Halloween in NE FL. There was a bit of melancholy, as S9 and I were wrapping up ~ 2 weeks together and he was to leave after school for a week-long trip with Mom to see her family. I'm still blessed with a close R with him, and I know that we'll be seeing each other very soon. But I'll miss the little guy.
My house looks good. Some remaining floor work to finish up now that I have another weekend to plug away. The house looks very good.
I've noticed a change in seasons with me. A big increase in motivation to improve my health. Diet improvements, working out no matter what the day's schedule is like, sleeping more. I won't say its easier. I just feel 'ready' for this new wave of personal work. I feel more at peace.
My estranged brother reached out to connect and offer an olive branch (had acted inappropriately toward me right after my X's bomb, then left his family for an OW ~ 1 year later). We'll see how it goes. Blood is thicker than water, but my big bro's resentments have baffled me for years. I'm using DBing techs, staying positive, acting 'as-if', and will set goals as needed to see if that helps things move along.
Things are status quo in terms of my R. C has shown some shortness or resentments toward my S9 that I don't like, and I've told her this. My take (that I haven't shared with her) is that her own depression struggles, mothering 3 kids, working, and lack of self-care have her in a state of overwhelm, with nothing left for myself and S9. That's not going to work longterm, but I believe that she'll pull thru this diff period once she starts investing more in herself. She's one tuff cookie.
Hope you all are doing well.
FL
Thought I'd post again on this site. A brief update will help explain my return.
I'd been engaged for ~ 1.5 yrs to someone I'd dated for another 1.5 yrs prior. I thought it was a solid great start to a new relationship 'beginning', but it unraveled.
Things went pretty well - some minor problems that both of us contributed to or could handle. Then her SF suicided. I'm not hanging the rationale on that alone, but it seemed to throw her into a series of changes that led to actions on her part to isolate and counteractions on my part to pursue or not pursue.
Suffice to say that some old unhealthy habits returned on my part, with self-care slipping sizably, resentments toward her building, and my calling off the engagement approximately 2 weeks ago.
I'm sad about the lossed potential R/M, I am (slightly) proud that I had it in me to do what I thought had to be done once she voiced no willingness to change, and I'm frustrated/disgusted with myself for letting poor/ineffective behaviors slip back into my life (my behaviors, not hers).
In some ways, its not as devastating as the surprising D bomb, etc from the M. In other ways, its worse, as I really thought I'd found a different type of woman and was now a different type of man.
Lots of existential questions triggered by this one.
Comments or advice, insights very welcome....
F
Not really sure as I am newer at this than you and have not dated since Bomb
but
maybe this R was a step to something better but not the one
im sure you have changed and as time goes on you will figure more out about the R and what happened
but if you felt the R going down and her not being as healthy to handle things as you would like than sounds like you took the right road for yourself to atleast call it off, slow it down till you could figure more out
I also think we all go thru times where self care goes..and in R
is probably the area most people stop caring for self
peace
Thanks Peacetoday,
I appreciate that perspective of looking to the R experiences and trying to learn from it. It's easy to get defensive and merely blame the other, but to stay true to one's needs while also considering what one has learned is probably a good way to help avoid the same mistakes in the future, either with someone else or attempting a new R with the same person.
These are some thoughts I also posted on another website:
To give C credit, she was focused on 'we' when it seemed much easier to combine the 6 of us into a blended family. When our context became way rougher -her ex acting out by not paying CS, the house values plummeting, equity lost, etc... - it seemed like she shed 'us' to focus on her and her kids. There's something okay about that - survival tactics are understandable. Then again, it was very telling for me as well.
Here's a great study on testosterone (T) and men and the impact of relationships:
http://harvardmagazine.com/2003/03/testosterone-dips-after.htmlIt's well known that testosterone impacts men's more flamboyant behaviors like aggression and sexual behaviors. It's also associated with a sense of well-being and personal judgments about attractiveness and virility. States of no exercise and being overweight/obese and chronic stress are associated with low testosterone.
I'm guessing that the low T in married men with kids has to do with stress and sizably reduced self-care. In particular, I think the mixture of aerobic exercise and weight-training seem necessary to reverse that T reduction trend. I'd like others info on this, and your thoughts as well.
My thoughts: unless I continue to take my better self-care into relationships, I'm going to keep experiencing reduced self-confidence, reduced sense of virility, etc... and my female partner will be responding to this as well. Even tho the loving, great parenting, great partnering behaviors would be there, I think we still have our basic animal connections. She'd stay more attracted to me at this unspoken animal level if I kept my self-care in place and my T higher within longterm Rs.
I remember talking to a guy in my and X's birthing class, and he was still going to the gym 3x week and running almost daily. I remember thinking he was selfish for doing so, but now I think he was actually taking the correct path. These efforts could be thought of as similar to GAL efforts, 180 stuff, etc..., but in a longterm preventative, selfcare manner. I see a LOT of women improving their physical selves - just look at the number of yoga and aerobic places, but not as many men doing the same. While we talk about guys having all the privileges, getting paid more, etc..., I wonder if men are actually self-neglecting and not paying as much attention to themselves. It's okay to be the strong silent rock of the family while young and before life has begun to take its toll, but perhaps men are at least as vulnerable and in need of care - especially self-care - as women.
Your thoughts?
Gabe