Last one:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1304602&page=3&fpart=13So my last thread ended with me saying that I was doing great and Trip asking me why. Well why not I guess. I guess I'm doing great because I have myself back. I have me first and foremost. Someone who I had lost touch with a long, long time ago. It scares me sometimes at how removed i was from myself. Not sure if that makes sense or not. But I was not myslef, didn't know where "I" was and heck..not even sure I knew I was missing. The person I've been for the last 7-10 years...was not me. This M turned me into someone I was not. Someone who turns my stomach. He was weak, selfish, stubborn but most of all he was a victim and took no responsiblity for his life or his own actions. ICK! And although it is not all my fault...I had the power within me to not let that happen. I just didn't know how to do it.
BUT...this process, no matter how painful at times, has led me back to myself. I see myself again. I'm aware of who I am and what I'm doing....for the most part anyway. LOL. But I am at least pretty darn aware of my feelings and why I'm feeling them.
On top of that I'm surrounded by wonderful people. Yes...some are female - lol...but they are all bringing something into my life. A lot of them are right here on these boards. Making me realize things within myself. Making me realize what I want in my life and what I can't have in my life. Helping me to set boundaries. Helping me be healthy. Helping me to stand strong. Stay true to my convictions. Making sure that I'm at the top of the list.
I'm blessed for all of this.
Really..the only negative thing I can think of in my life right now is the fact that I don't have a job...but I'm an intelligent and likable person who has a good set of skills to offer. I'll find something. And frankly...I don't need to make a lot right now. My expenses are not that bad. Sure, I'd like to make more than I was...but if push came to shove....I'll make ends meet.
I'm still amazed at my relationship with my kids. God what a difference there is there. I took S5 out to lunch yesterday after he got out from school. We had the best time just chilling and talking. Actually STBX and I were texting back and forth about how much of a great conversationalist he is. I love just listening to him and watching how that little brain of his works. He's amazing.
My D adores me. I mean ADORES me. It's overwhelming at times actually. But she's an incredibly intelligent and strong little girl. I'm just so excited to see where she ends up in her life. It will be somewhere great - no doubt.
My oldest boy is one of the most compassionate and caring people I know. S5 and D7 were fighting over a seat yesterday. S8 just stands up and says here (S5) you can have mine. And he will always do that at a drop of a hat. I know...gotta watch it. But he's caring and loving and i wouldn't trade it for anything.
I simply CAN'T imagine my life without those three little souls!!! They have taught me so much, have loved me unconditionally and quite simply have brought a whole lot of joy to my life. I took them for granted before. Never again. I remember STBX telling me last year that she wished we never had them. And she meant it 100%. I kept throwing out the "but this" or "but that" right??? NOPE. Wished she never had them. That hurt so bad to hear her say. And I know she is now appreciating them too. But my God. sigh.
So Trip - what is there NOT to be great about?
swashbuckler
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
hugs to you
and I am glad you have you back...it is truly one of the greatest gifts ever
and I am 1st!!!
Maybe a peppermint pattie
something warm with some whipped cream
and a blanket
great post, scott. again, one that gives me hope.
and great that you are such a good daddy. because your d, whether she know it or not, will measure all men in her life by you.
btw, h told me the same thing, about the kids, and wishing we had never had them. shocking to hear.
keep doin' what you are doing, scott. someday I can't wait to be where you are. but I know it will take work and effort and time...but I'm willing to put it all in. knowing there is a better place ahead really helps.
Thanks my sweet! It is the greatest gift - absolutely. I hope to God my STBX can do the same some day. She deserves it. My kids deserve it. I think she is getting there. She's always been a bit slow with these types of things. But I think she is moving in the right direction.
Peppermint Pattie coming right up! Can I offer you some warm blueberry cake to go with it? And here is your blanket. LOL.
It's 14 degrees here right now! YAY! Can't wait to go stand at the bus stop!
i would love blueberry cake
yikes
have fun at the bus stop!!!!
Aaaawwww...thanks M! Shucks!
Head down, kicking the dirt. heehee.
Yeah...I know she'll measure all other men based on her R with me. The respect she demans from them will also be based on my R with her. And it makes me scared and sad to think about how our R had been for the first 5 years of her life. I hope to God that the damage is not un-doable. That she can re-learn. Sigh.
Everyone can learn if they want to and when they are ready to.
Excellent post! I am so happy that you are finding your happiness inside once again. And I have no doubt that you will find a great job here real soon.
Cheers!!
Thanks Trip!!!
I'm so happy for you that your FA will be coming home soon.
Great post Scott! You are so much more confident with yourself now! Love it, love it love it!!!
I guess I'm doing great because I have myself back. I have me first and foremost.
Someone who I had lost touch with a long, long time ago. It scares me sometimes at how removed i was from myself. Not sure if that makes sense or not. On top of that I'm surrounded by wonderful people.
I'm blessed for all of this.
I'm still amazed at my relationship with my kids. God what a difference there is there.
This I totally understand. I'm sure that your kids have always adored you. I'm sure the way the kids look at you is no different then they always have, after all you are DAD. Fact is, kids will love their parents inspite of almost anything. We are the ones who have this realization. The lesson for us is that when you lose an important relationship all of the other important relationships in our lives become that much more precious. I doubt that there are many here who wouldn't feel that this has brought them even closer to their kids. Again, it's so sad that as adults we lose focus of this. Too bad it takes something like this to understand what it's really all about.
scott, I highly doubt you were ever a bad dad, so I wouldn't worry about it. and I think what you are showing/offering your d now is just awesome. and she's already a smart enough cookie as it is.
I have to say, I do worry about my own h and his r with our d sometimes. I don't like some of the things he says to her/ways he relates to her. at the same time, I know he does love her and shows her that, too, so hope its enough.
Thanks Bethie! I love it when you agree with me!
and what a sense of a relief that comes over us as we begin to realize this. Kind of surprised I did this but I was feeling so peace with it all tonight that I even texted stbx and asked her if she wanted to meet the kids and I out for dinner. She thanked me but said she had plans with her friend. Told her np, have fun and tell her I said hi. Cool.
M - thanks Hun. I wouldn't say I was a bad dad either but I was certainly an unhappy dad. And my kids fed off of that. They still do. When Im happy they are happy...when I'm not, they are not. All about attitude right?
Anyway. M...you can't control the type of R he has with her. That's his choice. All you can do is gently guide him but its up to him to actually do it.
Hey Swashy...looks good....looks REAL good!
LOL FA. Thanks man. Feels pretty good from where I'm standing too.
Get your a$$ home already will ya?
Scott, I'd wanna be you when I grow up, but . . .
A) Not growing up ever
2) If I'm going to be someone, it's going to be a hot chick that I can do naked things to
C) I'm having too much fun being me.
Still, pretty good buddy.
morning smoooooooooooooches peanut
And my kids fed off of that. They still do. When Im happy they are happy...when I'm not, they are not
So, like that saying 'If mama ain't happy, nobody happy?' applies to dads as well. Wow, I never guessed.
Those kiddos are lucky to have such a great dad, S2H! You're a pretty amazing guy.
aaawww...thank you so much sweet jules. You are pretty darn amazing yourself ya know? As a mother, friend and woman!!! I really appreciate it!!!
aaawww...thank you so much sweet jules. You are pretty darn amazing yourself ya know? As a mother, friend and woman!!! I really appreciate it!!!
She's ok
You crack me up Bethie!
So stbx came to grab the kids last night and I noticed a big dent in the side of the van. Turns out she bumped into one of piles of snow at the end of my driveway a couple of weeks ago - oops!
Went out with Pauline last night. A friend of her's met us out too. We had an absolute blast as always. I think she used to see me as having so far to go. She's been Dd for two years now. Well now she keeps commenting on how much ahead of her I am. I spent a lot of time last night preaching about acceptance and letting go of control...which she knows but is having a hard time doing. She also keeps saying that it will just take time. I called BS on her and told her that she cant just wait for this to happen....she needs to choose to make it happen. I wasn't holding many punches and I think she appreciated the solid advice.
Sounds like she has gotten a lot of pressure from the people around her to be in a R with me - her mother and even my stbx's friend...who she is also friend's with. This friend was so good to me when this all went down. Not sure where I'd be without her. So P told her we were hanging out and she got all excited at the prospect but P confirmed to her that we are just friends but that this friend adores me which meant a lot to me. I've lost touch with her...just don't want to cross those lines I guess. But glad to hear she's cool with me.
But this friendship with P means a lot to me and we communicate so well, she appreciates me, etc...but there are a fair number of red flags too. Remind me of stbx in many ways. Just iffy stuff that I don't think I'd want to have to deal with in a R...but as a friend...she's amazing.
And that is exactly what my 'dating' has done for me. It has shown me what I can and what I can't have in my life. Its been great for me.
Oh yeah...I had a couple of pics of stbx on my phone so I showed the to P. She said she couldn't picture me with her. I asked why and she said she just pictured me with someone sexier. I burst out laughing. Damn!
Well off to S8's Basketball game in a bit and then ice skating lessons. Hope everyone is doing great!!!
Oh yeah...I had a couple of pics of stbx on my phone so I showed the to P. She said she couldn't picture me with her. I asked why and she said she just pictured me with someone sexier. I burst out laughing. Damn!
Not bad for the PMA ehh?
You're an inspiration Swashy!
SD
Hey thanks SD. Yeah, not bad. LOL. I mean stbx is pretty...no doubt but today I was looking her today and there is just zero attraction even physically. I can do better.
And if I'm lucky maybe I can even find one that understands the meaning of the word commitment.
Oh yeah, I confirmed today that she failed out of school. Missed it by one point. Sucks and I feel bad for her. Guess she now has to wait until next August to get back into the program and then she'll hope to graduate next fall.
In the meantime she is going to continue to work at the hospital. I really do not understand how she will survive. She'll either have to burn through all her savings or maybe she is getting help from her parents. Not sure and as long as continues to not try to make it my problem...I really do not care.
And she just really doesnt seem happy at all. Every time I see her. Blech. Oh well. Feel bad for her but she has chosen all of this. Sad really.
scott, I'm sorry about your stbx failing out. I don't know what it is, I still get upset when I think about things going badly for H at all. sounds like you are pretty philosophical about your stbx...you feel bad but don't try to make it better for her, you step back. I still have the urge to fix things when h is down about something.
sounds like you, on the other hand, are doing well. good for you! and P sounds like a hot sh!t. lol.
does your 5 year old take skating lessons, or is it the older kids? mine wants to take them and I keep meaning to look into them and haven't. oops. I was thinking next year would be better, but maybe I'll check things out this year after all, assuming I'm not too late.
I mean stbx is pretty...no doubt
But I agree... sexy is hot.
And if I'm lucky maybe I can even find one that understands the meaning of the word commitment.
Oh puhleeze... don't count on luck for this one. Plan on it being true.
Sorry to hear about her job woes. She really has chosen her path and you just keep living right and you'll continue to shine. It's all about living right, ya know.
Take care, S2H
Hey M. Yeah I invested an incredible amount of time and energy trying to help her. I got nothing in return for it. Don't think I realized how much that took out of me...until I chose to stop investing. What a relief!!! A friend once referred to her as a black hole of neediness. And that is exactly true. I could not fill it no matter how hard I tried. I got tired and frustrated from trying so hard for so long. Little did I understand that it was her job...not mine.
Yeah S5 is doing it to. And there are younger kids too. He realy enjoys it and is doing really well.
Thanks Julie. Yeah sexy IS hot. P and I were talking again last night about that. She said something like 'I mean who is that lady?' the term lady just cracked me up. And you are right Hun. Its a choice right?
So hung out with P again last night. Got to meet some of her friends and some of mine showed up to. Had a GREAT time. There was some chick at the bar. Cute but frigging crazy. P told her I thought she was cute just to F with me. Next thing I know I'm dodging kisses. She was dying. People kept asking us if we were a couple. She's like we just hook up when we are drunk. So I'm like want another shot? Then I told them it was just an every other thursday thing. They were just looking at us totally unsure if we were serious or not. It was so funny.
Oh and then my buddy told me about how when he was in NYC last week he was taken to a strip club. Well apparently while getting a lap dance his blackberry called home at 3am. Wife got a pretty good kick out of it. She rocks.
I'm butt ass tired today. Kids want to skate on the bog. I need to muster up some energy. Hope everyone is great!!!
Hey M. Yeah I invested an incredible amount of time and energy trying to help her. I got nothing in return for it. Don't think I realized how much that took out of me...until I chose to stop investing. What a relief!!! A friend once referred to her as a black hole of neediness. And that is exactly true. I could not fill it no matter how hard I tried. I got tired and frustrated from trying so hard for so long. Little did I understand that it was her job...not mine.
Scott, you sound terrific - as you pretty much always do!
So she missed passing by just one point, huh? At some deep-down level, I think that's exactly what she aimed for - to be able to say "Gee I tried really, REALLY hard but I didn't make it - obviously that can't be MY fault, it's just a mean ol' system in a mean ol' world and I'm just this sad little victim once again..." I admit, I have a pretty hard-line view of people and their grades (having been stuck with some real "dead weight losers" on some of my team assignments during my MBA!)
At some level, we all get what we set ourselves up to get, whether we consciously "want" it or not - KWIM? So, don't feel too bad for her (hey, that's just what she wants!)
Oh yeah...I had a couple of pics of stbx on my phone so I showed the to P. She said she couldn't picture me with her. I asked why and she said she just pictured me with someone sexier. I burst out laughing. Damn!
This is a little odd.... The more I think about it, I probably would have been a little defensive on that one. I mean reality is that you believe that your STBX is/was pretty sexy correct?
No big deal, just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. All I know is this, I was damned attracted to my STBX, I believe her to be very sexy, always will. I am sure P was simply making light of it, but its kind of a shot at you if you ask me.
Maybe you should have told her that it was an odd statement since you think she is sexy as well.... but maybe you are wrong.......
Ian
Hey Rob. Thanks for checking in. Hope you are doing great.
I sound terrific because I truly am. I was talking to Lissie Bean earlier and she made me realize something. I have SO many peoople who come to me because they respect and trust me. They appreciate me. And I mean A LOT of people. It's kinda crazy actually. I feel so appreciated by so many. It's truly amazing. And of course my LL is affirmations so I eat that sh*t up.
heehee. I am loved by so many people. It's really awesome. And I feel so good about myslef...who i am...what i'm doing with my life...my choices...everything. Such peace of mind.
As for her schooling. Not sure I'd go as far as saying she got the grade she wanted. BUT..she got the grade she earned. She failed her first two exams and then had to try and dig her way out of that hole. And I think she did try to do that. And she says she did all she could...but i think she could have passed her first two exams and would be graduating right now...but she chose to not try as hard as she could have. And now won't take full blame for that. But whatever.
She will figure it out.
well you know I love you Swashy!!!
Ya know Ian...she didn't mean it nearly the way I took it. And sorry...but i just found it amusing. It really wasn't meant in a bad way.
And yeah...i think mara is attractive...i just don't find her attractive anymore. I can't. Too much pain. Turns my stomach now. And ya know what...that's ok Probably even for the best.
well you know I love you Swashy!!!
yeah i do!
Ya know Ian...she didn't mean it nearly the way I took it. And sorry...but i just found it amusing. It really wasn't meant in a bad way.
And yeah...i think mara is attractive...i just don't find her attractive anymore. I can't. Too much pain. Turns my stomach now. And ya know what...that's ok Probably even for the best.
Dont apologize to me dude... just making a statement Take it or leave it. Doesnt really matter. You know me, I believe in defending and respecting the mother of your kids. Even when you are pissed at them.
[quoteI believe in defending and respecting the mother of your kids. Even when you are pissed at them.
[/quote]
(sigh)
I believe in defending and respecting the mother of your kids. Even when you are pissed at them.
gasp! what a novel concept. gee, wish my h felt the same.
I believe in defending and respecting the mother of your kids. Even when you are pissed at them.
Interesting perspective, Ian. I never felt like S2H was being disrespectful at all. And I definitely don't think it's his place to defend her. In a perfect world, he would be her knight in shining armor and would defend her to the death, but she hasn't really acted in a manner that deserves his defense IMO.
Then again, while I'm not in the habit of making my X the butt of jokes, I can guarantee that I won't go out of my way to defend him. And respect him??? I can respect him as the father of my kids, I don't respect him. He is starting to act more in a way that merits my respect and I will give him that as he earns it, but i don't think people are given unconditional respect and defense in life just b/c of a piece of paper. The have to make it the old fashioned way.... EAAAAAARRRRNNNNN it. IMO.
Oh and then my buddy told me about how when he was in NYC last week he was taken to a strip club. Well apparently while getting a lap dance his blackberry called home at 3am. Wife got a pretty good kick out of it. She rocks.
ya know, maybe I'm just ultra sensitive because of h's affair, but I've never been okay with my h being touched by a naked woman. maybe I'm just uncool, but god I hate strip clubs and the like. and h used to tell me stories about the ones in providence (yes, he went to them at bachelor parties, blech) that literally made my skin crawl.
again, maybe I'm just uncool. who knows. but I don't really see the difference just because you pay the woman.
hey scott,
hope you had fun skating! is it really frozen so solid? well, yeah, I can see how it would be with the cold snap. I think its the California girl in me that gets nervous about skating outdoors. lol.
will look into the skating lessons this week. I feel like it could be a lot of fun for him.
glad you had so much fun with P. I swear I actually SEE you smiling when you post about her.
Jules,
I never said that he was being disrespectful. I don't believe he was. What I was saying is that he was in love with his wife.He fealt like she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Having a "friend" say she is not sexy enough for him.....bizarre.
You do defend your spouse by the way. You hate it when folks on here call him names and stuff like that. You have the right to do that, others do not. Regardless of what they have become, they played a significant role in your life, and will play a significant role in your childrens life the rest of the way out.
Ian
Then again, while I'm not in the habit of making my X the butt of jokes, I can guarantee that I won't go out of my way to defend him. And respect him??? I can respect him as the father of my kids, I don't respect him. He is starting to act more in a way that merits my respect and I will give him that as he earns it, but i don't think people are given unconditional respect and defense in life just b/c of a piece of paper. The have to make it the old fashioned way.... EAAAAAARRRRNNNNN it.
I totally agree Jules. I respect that H is the father of our children and I respect his right to have a good relationship with them, but I cannot respect him as a man because of the things he has said and done. He lost my respect and has done nothing to deserve it at this point. He would probably say the same about me. Whatever.
Hmmmm, Gotta weigh in on a couple of points here.
Scott, you're doing smashing as always. If I didn't love being me so much, you know I'd wanna be you buddy. I completely appreciate your view on Mara failing out of school. That it is her problem, and that part of her problem is that she won't own up to her responsibility. That being said, "I agree with Rob" in saying it feels to me like she kinda did it on purpose. If everything else goes wrong in her life, she can blame each thing on everything else. "I was unfaithful because I was slipping in school, I was slipping in school because my marriage slipped, my marriage slipped because the kids are so difficult to manage, the kids are so difficult because . . . . " You get the idea. Enough chaos creates a smoke screen to hide the really dumb CHOICES. Just my $.02.
It seems to me that P was commenting on the total appearance. I'm betting if your ex is that far down, it shows on her. Maybe she's very physically attractive, but we all know that a lot of things can override that.
As for an obligation to respect the mother of one's kids . . . respect is earned, not given. In SOME cases, the mother of one's kids has been nothing more than an incubator. For that, there is no respect, just acknowledgement that the task was successfully completed and it's time to put the appliance away, or move it to another place for someone else to plug it in.
Just my $.02.
Im with Jules. My respect is earned. I don't think she can even respect berself right now...does she deserve it from me. And maybe you had to be there but P really didn't mean it in a disrespectful way when she said...which made all the funnier to me. But whatever. I think you know well enough that I have not said a harsh word towards her through this whole thing.
M - everyone has their own boundaries on that stuff I guess. Their boundaries are the same so it works for them. She got a good laugh out of it.
Pond was mush...but safe. And they had a blast.
Hey Toots!!!
Sounds like you are doing well.
you know...often times I see someone I think is exceptionally attractive. Then I get to know them...and then I realize they aren't that attractive...or I find that they are even more attractive.
Maybe P was feeling a little of this.
I don't think it was a slam at all.
And I agree...respect is something earned. Sometimes the only respect that needs to be given is the respect of being a member of the human race...and that is it
Hey Puddle!
Ok...i'm off my iphone and on an actual computer which does make typing easier. So let me put this to rest a bit.
Here is what was said. We were looking at photos of Christmas on my phone. There was a pic with STBX in it. And she said "Oh wow is that (stbx)? I said yeah. She said: hmmm. I said what. And said "I don't know...just not what I pictured." I said: "oh yeah, what did you picture"?. She said: "I don't know. I guess I just pictured you with someone....hmmm...sexier?" Ilaughed and said WOW! And she said "No, no, no...she's pretty but just really not what I expected i guess".
So I didn't find what she said as being disrespectful at all. I guess it was just a little weird for her to know me so well and then finally see who I spent the last 12 years of my life with. And I have to say that I liked that fact that she thought I would be with someone "sexier". Which is probably part of the reason I laughed.
NOW...I do think that someone needs to earn respect. However I also believe being respectful. And I think that given the circumstances...i have been extremely respectful of STBX. There are many ways I could have reacted to all of this and I highly doubt she fully appreciates exactly how respectful i have been. She once told me that she never talked about me to OM...that she wouldn't disrespect me like that. Jeesh...thanks. Like Fing around with him our car while I'm home watching the kids so you can go to school to live your dream was SO respectful. I mean at that point...go ahead and talk. But it's like she talked herself into that she was having her A "the right way". LOL.
So yeah...she'll have my respect when she starts taking responsiblity for her life and her choices and makes an effort to fix what she broke with us. And I don't even mean in a way of fixing our M. I mean, appologizing for all the hurt she caused me, taking some responsiblity in the downfall of our M, admitting that her A was WRONG, etc.
And even then...it will be hard to earn it back. But heck that is a first step. But as long as she runs, hides and dismisses her part...not going to happen. However...i will be "respectful" as much as i can.
I like that outlook a lot buddy!
so ya ready for it, scott???
60s today, baby. 60s!!! woo-hooo january thaw!!!!
so ya ready for it, scott???
I think that Boo, is pretty much ready for anything.
but how will you make all those cool snowmen???
Morning Squishy!
First off I had to laugh when I saw that your wife said that she never discusses you with OM...HA! They all say that and it's the biggest crock. I wanted to believe that but I found out differently. Of course that's her story.
I see this a little differently. I think that just by hanging in there and holding out hope, in spite of what they did to us, means we gave them plenty (maybe even more than their rightful share) of respect. If we didn't love them and remember who they used to be we would have walked away ourselves. Fact is we didn't. We hung in there hoping against hope that they would wake up and do what's right not just for us, but for our kids as well. What other person in this world would we ever have allowed to treat us like this? Is there anyone who you would have continually swallowed your pride for in the hope that they would do the right thing?
Actually, when I saw the comment about, "picturing you with someone sexier" I took that as a compliment to you. Seeing that she only knows of your wife, how personal could it have been?
Well anyway....have a great day you Sex Machine!
Love,
Bethie
Sorry for not posting earlier but I've been out just loving this weather! Amazing. And yes Boo is digging it. We've been out riding bikes, playing street hockey, etc.
Let's see. Yesterday I was driving kids around. Had some time to kill...didn't think stbx was home from work yet so I drove by her place to just go look at the water with S5. Well her car was outside as well as OMs. ICK. You can see it from the main road so I had to quickly distract S5 so that he wouldn't see it. He knows his car. It still puts a knot in my stomach but after a couple awesome text messages..one said: "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" I quickly laughed my butt off and got over it.
I guess the only thing that bugs me at this point is that me and my kids may have to deal with this immoral pos at some point. That mmakes my skin crawl. If it was some other poor dude fine but this guy...I don't know. Ick.
Anywhoo P swung by this morning after church (its right by my house). She gave me sh!t about it being warmer outside than in my house...ha! Then we ran out and grabbed some coffee.
Also got a call back on that resume I turned in. She felt like the salary was going to be too low for me which it is (but not horrible with the bonus). But she seemed to like my resume and wanted to wait and see what was coming out for 08. So that was kinda cool. Otherwise I've been hanging with the little dude and talking with some great friends. Life is good!!!
Thanks Bethie!!! Yeah what she did or didnt tell him I have no idea and as I said....after what she did - is talking about me even so bad? Jeesh go ahead. What do I care? LOL.
And you are right. Standing like we did. Swallowing our pride like we did. All of it speaks volumes about us as people. And yes I took it as a very nice compliment from P. Sex Machine - ha!!!!
Hey All!
Continuing to put my job feelers out there. Connected with a couple people from my old neighborhood. We'll see. Both were going to put me in touch with recruiters they know...if not more.
One asked me what went down between STBX and I. He and I were pretty close. Actually he was really close with STBX as well. Anyway, I gave him the 411 as best I could without throwing her under the bus. Told him that it wasn't what I wanted but that I really had no control over it so I had to finally choose to move on. I hardly had it out of my mouth that I had started dating that he was like "(His W) has plenty of cute single friends". I had to tell him that I think I had bitten off more than I could chew at the moment...but that life is good. And that maybe we could go grab a beer at some point.
Was hoping to hit a movie with P tonight but it's hard for her to sneak out with the kids, etc. So I may just go by myself. Haven't done that in a while. My two buddies that I normally grab beers with are both out of town.
But life is SO good right now. I'm as happy as a pig in sh*t. I am just so at peace. I feel so loved and appreciated by everyone around me...most of all by my kids...who all decided to crawl into my bed at 6:30 this morning. LOL. I just wish I didn't waste so many years of my life in a whole. A whole I chose to crawl into. Well...never again. NEVER EVER!
Hope everyone else is appreciating all that this world has to offer.
I hardly had it out of my mouth that I had started dating that he was like "(His W) has plenty of cute single friends". I had to tell him that I think I had bitten off more than I could chew at the moment...but that life is good.
I was wondering if you would ever reach your 'limit.'
Toots
a.m. snuggles are soooooooooooooooooooooo nice!!!!
i laughed when youtold your friend you had bitten off morethan you can chew.....
but tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!!!!!
You haven't even made it all the way through the alphabet...
light-weight!!!!
smooooooooooooooooooch
(er...I mean....um....kiss kiss......don;t blow up swashy's thread!!!!!!!!!!)
I was wondering if you would ever reach your 'limit.'
Well I DO have to find a job too!!! LOL
Thanks Puddle! I feel on "top of the world". hahaha
Well steady eddy wins the race right? Plenty of time.
One more Anne Murray song lyric out of you and I'm coming up there to beat the poo poo out of that head of yours!
Nice effort Ty...but nope.
I am very disappointed right now.... You didnt even asked him if any of them had names starting in a vowel... what the frick dude........
By the way a whole what???????
I just wish I didn't waste so many years of my life in a whole. A whole I chose to crawl into.
A whole lot of money????
A whole lot of trouble????
A whole lot of Misery????
Or
A whole lot of holes?????
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Ian
OMG! That's frigging awesome. Guess maybe I just need a HOLE lot more sleep!!!
HA!
Hey everyone!! Ran out and had coffee with P this morning. While there we ran into the guy who lived across the street from STBX and I. He adored us.
So I introduced them...which was a little weird...not that there is anything going on with P and I...but I'm sure he's thinking there must be. But whatever. It's good to have people seeing me move on at this point.
We also ran into a guy who we both worked with. Actually this is how P knew me. She always says how highly he spoke of me, etc. Great older guy. We were getting ready to leave but I think we stayed there for close to another half hour chatting with him. LOL.
From there, I ran down and spent a wonderful few hours at the Unemployment Office. WOOHOO!!! But it's done. Finally. Also talked to the HR person at my old company about some outstanding issues. She said she'd have it figured out tomorrow...i hope.
Just got a text from P and we may go grab a drink tonight.
Other than that...just been cleaning, talking to some great friends, listening to music and dancing around my house.
Life is good!!!
Actually...one more thing. P got me a copy of The Four Agreements for Christmas. Pretty good book. About halfway through it.
Anyway I was reading it last night and got to this:
If someone is not treating you with love and respect it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.
SO...Thank You to STBX! She has removed herself from my life and with it the suffering that I had to endure for almost a decade. I am healing now. And I feel so in control of my life again. I am at peace for the first time in a long time. And yes, I have 100% confidence in my ability to to make solid decisions for myself.
hey scott,
sounds like you are doing good! must be weird to run into people from your old life when you are with someone new (even a friend). but sounds like it went okay.
interesting about the book. I suppose its a gift that h left...but I don't have to send a thank you note right away, do I?
Yeah...between that and the conversation yesterday with another old neighbor...it has been weird. But oddly good. Makes me feel a bit more free. Liberating I guess.
And not that I want to become an advocate for D or anything. I'm certainly not. But if they are unwilling or unable to step up, work, change and treat you with the love and respect that you deserve...then yes...it is most certainly a gift to have them leave.
And no...no thank you note needed..lol...BUT...don't be surprised if someday you do in fact thank him.
Toots...
I love what you found in that book. It took awhile but I am so grateful that LSS left. It freed me to find something that was even more fantastic than I ever dreamed of...me!!!
And
that me is able to be more open, more loving, more centered, more self-assured and able to find someone who appreciates and emmulates those qualties.
I am much happier now than I ever dreamed I would be, or could be...that much happier because I didn't even know that happy like this existed....does that make sense?
Anyway
smooooooooooches to you
Make sense? Puddle are you kidding me??? I'm friggin' living it babe! I hear you LOUD and CLEAR!
Yay Toots!!!
I finally make sense to someone!!!!
Yay me!!!
You sound great Scott - your perspective on things just gets better and clearer all the time. I am truly impressed!
As far as people wondering about you and the members of your harem... let 'em wonder!
listening to music and dancing around my house.
Did anyone else have
Old Time Rock and Roll pop into their head upon reading this?
What does that say about me puddle? YIKES!
Thanks Rob! I'm so there man. And it feels great. Ya know...thanks so much for all of your support Rob. You've been with me since the beginning and I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate that.
BUT NO...I was NOT listening to Old Time Rock and Roll. LOL. I think it was actually the Dropkick Murphys....but ok.
Ya know...thanks so much for all of your support Rob. You've been with me since the beginning and I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate that.
Awwwww... the feeling is mutual, bro! ((((GROUP HUG!!!))))
lol about the old time rock n roll...yep, that was the picture.
so was it tessie or shipping up to boston?
shipping up to Boston.
plus some finger eleven and foo fighters.
Had a blast with Pauline tonight. Laughed my a$$ off. PLUS we got carded!!! Not bad since she turns 39 next week and I turn 38 next month!
heehee.
Someone thought I was 28!
not too shabby kid!
so Toots...
since we are on the same page and making sense to each other I am going to suggest some IC since you know...
I am a nutjob!!!
smooch
Already have an appointment for Monday night Puddle. Can't wait!!
This thread is getting a little odd.... First Swash talks about drinking his coffee with P.... I will be the first to tell you that urine should only be ingested during an emergency.
Then Rob starts talking about Swash dancing around in his underwear in his living room.
I think I've stepped into the twilight zone. Not the normal one I live in, but another realm of it.
yay
don't forget to mention you understand crazy talk!!!
another dimension of site and sound, perhaps?????
and
where the crap are my licks??????
Actually...one more thing. P got me a copy of The Four Agreements for Christmas. Pretty good book. About halfway through it.
Anyway I was reading it last night and got to this:
If someone is not treating you with love and respect it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.
SO...Thank You to STBX! She has removed herself from my life and with it the suffering that I had to endure for almost a decade. I am healing now. And I feel so in control of my life again. I am at peace for the first time in a long time. And yes, I have 100% confidence in my ability to to make solid decisions for myself.
swashy,
That quote is very interesting AND true....
My new W said for the first time, "You are better off without K (WAW). She did NOT appreciate you..." It is so nice to be appreciated by my new W, have a W who understands communication and what a real M is all about.
Take Care,
RMG
Some freaky stuff going on maaaaan!!!
And if you are gonna give fig licks...well you better give me a couple too.
RMG - If they can't change that behavior..then...yes...I think that statement is very true too. Must have felt good to have your new W tell you that. Have to say though...kinda surprised it was the first time. But still nice to have that. And I'm also willing to bet that your new wife undderstands communication and what a real M is all about because YOU do too. It's a two way street.
I know in my M I felt like I was talking into a phone and she could hear me...but it was hard to hear her and istead of getting quite and trying to listen for her...i got louder and louder thinking she couldn't hear me either.
Both people in the M need to be able to speak and listen or you will find yourselves in a world of trouble.
nice analogy
but don't forget her part in it too...
don't take all the blame here toots...
it was her job to say "can you hear me...am I talking loudly enough?"
Or maybe say...holy crap toots...you think I'm deaf or something?
Both people need to be accountable to themselves AND to each other
(getting quite quiet huh????
)
LOL hun. Don't worry I WILL NOT take on her part anymore. She had the responsibility to step up and say something...no doubt. But she chose not to. She chose to hide and ignore. Which, personally, I think is a 100% worse than getting louder. At least I was doing something to try. The wrong thing..perhaps but action in a situation is a lot better than no action.
My spelling has gone to sh*t...dear God.
Hey Steady Eddy....
I agree, aside from your spelling you're doing great!
It's so good to see you in this place. You truly deserve it.
WARNING: HIJACK
f21,
Where have you been? I have been woried about you. Is everything going ok? If you had a thread I wouldn't have to be so RUDE!!!
Sorry Squishy, it's all f21's fault!
Love,
Bethie
damn Bethie, you drinking already tonight?
What day is it? Oh who am I kidding? Pick a day, any day!
Cheers Ian!
Thanks J! Really appreciate it.
NP Bethie! Anytime.
Not sure if she is Ian..but I AM!
What are you serving for drinks here anyway? I would love one.
Bethie... sorry, girlie! I thought I had a thread. I haven't posted in awhile, been busy... good busy. I'll post an update soon but I've got to run like the wind at the moment to make it to the bank.
What day is it? Oh who am I kidding? Pick a day, any day!
Cheers Ian!
Bethie, I have half a bottle of Level left and some gatorade purple so tonight is looking good for me as well.
Ian
WOW!
Never had that combo before. Never even heard of it.
Sam #2!
RMG - If they can't change that behavior..then...yes...I think that statement is very true too. Must have felt good to have your new W tell you that. Have to say though...kinda surprised it was the first time. But still nice to have that. And I'm also willing to bet that your new wife undderstands communication and what a real M is all about because YOU do too. It's a two way street.
I know in my M I felt like I was talking into a phone and she could hear me...but it was hard to hear her and istead of getting quite and trying to listen for her...i got louder and louder thinking she couldn't hear me either.
Both people in the M need to be able to speak and listen or you will find yourselves in a world of trouble.
swashy,
I know I was far from perfect in my M to KB (my WAW). However, when she did finally tell me there were issues, she was headed out the door. I told her her very clearly I understood there were issues. I actually was looking forward to working on them. She just chose to blaze off..... She never even wanted to see what our relationship could be.... IMHO, that is her loss...
My new W says she could not be happier... She had looked for a guy who "gets it" for a while.... She loves that we can openly share our thoughts and feelings.... She frequently says how blessed she feels that KB had "a moment of stupidity"..... I just smile......
RMG
That is her loss - zero doubt. And it was caused by her inability to trust, believe or have faith in something better. She chose to give into her fears instead. And that is sad but it is who she is. And IMHO you obviously were destined to be with someone who can do all of that. Glad you found her. I'm confident that I'll do the same someday. Positive of it.
Ok...so a little venting is needed..sorry.
A few months ago...S5 said something to me about going by the firestation to see if OM was working...which he wasn't. I raised this to STBX and told her that I didn't think it was a good idea but that I knew I couldn't keep her from doing it. She didn't see the harm in it of course. I then said, well if you are going to do it, please just tell me first so that I can be prepared if the kids have questions, etc. Not sure if she really agreed to that or not..but i requested it.
So yesterday I meet up with them after D7's basketball game to bring them to skating lessons. Apparently she overslept and missed S8's game - fine whatever. Then I get down to skating lessons and she realized that she forgot their helmets (granted i didn't notice either)..she has to run them down. They missed most of their lesson - again...whatever.
BUT...on the way down S7 informs me that her mother brought her to the firestation so that OM could buy some cookies (she's in brownies). "He put me on the trucks" (makes my skin crawl thinking of this POS touching my beautiful little girl). Ick.
SO...i decide that when she gets to the skating rink and while the kids are out skating...i need to confront this. So I told her that D7 told me that she brought her by there...and am immediately met with "It's not a big deal she was just selling cookies". Well D7 brought this up a week ago...so apparntly it was. You know she had it all planned out. But regardless that was the point...as I told her. The point was that I requested something from her about my kids and she chose to ignore my wishes. And it's not like I'm trying to even keep her from doing it, getting a restraining order or anything like that. I JUST WANTED TO BE F*CKING TOLD FIRST! I mean is that really too much to ask? Is it?
I pay her with 10 times the respect she deserves. Our old neighbor called last week and asked me what happened. I could have thrown her under the bus and the whole neighborhood would be talking about her. Do I? NO. I cold call the fire department and raise a huge stink. He was doing all this while on duty. A couple people have even suggested that I file a law suit against the town. DO I? no. I could be such a friggin jerk about this, make them both look like crap, call his parents, whatever. DO I? no. I continue to be the stand up guy. I ask nothing of her. Except this. And she can't even pay me that tiny bit of respect.
She just makes me sick to my stomach. How I ever married such a selfish, inconsiderate, childish woman...I will never know.
And to just get defensive about it and tell me it wasn't a big deal. JESUS! Just own it for christ sake. At least give me that! "Scott, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way." Something. But to just dismiss my feelings and my wishes concerning my kids. That is just sh*ty. She simply does not have it in her to be a good person. A considerate person. Make positive choices. Instead she hides and slithers around like the snake she is.
I just want to be divorced. To move on with my life. I want nothing to do with this woman.
Oh yeah...and I get them back yesterday filthy. They were with her for 3 nights....bath? hell no. I need to raise that issue now that they will be staying with her 4 nights in a row. She's such a friggin child. Irresponsible little kid. The only thing she is good at is keeping their schedule together. Sounds like my iphone could replace her. It's not like she's there for them. Supports them. Listens to them. Hell she screamed at S8 this summer when he got upset about us getting a divorce. I mean Jesus. HOW friggin selfish is that? Here is your son in pain...hurting...over something you are doing to him. Choosing to hurt him. And you scream at him for it? Sick.
Again...I just felt like I needed to vent. I'm actually doing pretty good. I took them to dinner last night, we had a great time. Watched the first half of the pats game last night with my older two. They all crawled into bed with me this morning. My buddy came over last night to watch the 2nd half of the game.
Spent some time last night talking and texting some great friends. I'm good. I am. I just don't like the stuff that deals with my kids like this. It makes me question the joint custody to be honest. But I really don't want to pull them away from her. That would break my heart. They love her. I know they do. And she's not putting them in any real danger. I don't know. Ick. But if she can't stand up and coparent with me....I don't know.
I hear you, scott. what she did was pretty sh!tty. Its weird, because our spouses have betrayed us in so many ways, it just keeps sucking when they continue to. and whats annoying is it surprises us. I mean, how hard is a little decency?
does she have a plan to eventually introduce the kids to OM (meaning the kids are told he is a part of her life). I've asked h to hold off until we at least have papers signed. so far he's agreed to it, but I'm sure he's itching to have them meet her/spend time with her. like you, it makes my skin crawl. but there is no real way to prevent it, is there? have you talked to your IC about this and what is the best way to do it/how you should handle things when it is done?
it really is hard, divorce, isn't it? not like breakups in the past where you never have to see the person again. and its frustrating because we see our kids hurt/neglected. but remember you are a great daddy...your kids will be good and have a strong, fun, loving role model in you. keep doing what you are doing. you are a better man for NOT throwing her under the bus. trust me, that kind of goodness will shine thru in the end.
Vent away, d00d! We all need to from time to time.
you are a better man for NOT throwing her under the bus. trust me, that kind of goodness will shine thru in the end.
Exactly! Don't think of it as showing her respect because she earns it, 'cause she doesn't. The better man shows people respect even when they DON'T earn it. Be that man! Your actions aren't about her, they are about you.
Thanks guys! M - don't think I expected more from her. Actually expected exactly what I got. However it is just still upsetting to me that she can be that way. Its frustrating that she still won't grow up and act like an adult.
Thanks Rob. You are of course right. I'm conducting myself this way for me...not her. And my kids I guess too. But obviously its frustrating when you pay someone a certain amount of respect and that respect is not returned. And unfortunately because of my kids, I'll be attached to this person for the rest of my life.
Oh...and while I'm on a roll..I'm noticing that every time I get the kids back from her, they are bouncing off the walls. I feel like I'm doing a really good job of setting boundaries for them and they are behaving so much better because of it. I know she just let's them do whatever they want when they want. Their rooms at her place are disgusting. They never have to pick up after themselves. They seem to just run around with their heads cut off. Last week I noticed after S8s bball game that his foot was soaking wet. Apparently he was in the river before his game that morning! Its January!
Ok....guess ill stop for now.
Oh and M...she has said that she doesn't want introduce them to him in that capacity. But I guarantee thatcif she continues this...D7 will figure it out on her own. She's simply too smart not to. And don't think I'm not tempted to tell her. "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore because she chose to fall in love with (OM) and THAT is why we have to live in two houses."
BUT I love my kids too much to do that. She may not believe in Santa anymore but I will let her continue to believe in the fairytale that her mother is a good and moral person.
I just want to be divorced.Don't we all at this point. To move on with my life.Ditto I want nothing to do with this woman. Ain't gonna happen my friend. You have kids together and that means you will always have something to do with her. Especially since your kids are so young. The sooner you learn to control your anger at what she does the better. I agree what she did was somewhat disrespectful, however on a grand scale of what she could be doing to/with the kids it was no more than a bump in the road. You cannot expect to get respect from a MLC'er and you know it.
Hey Fender. I understand that i am stuck with her. I understand that others have it worse. And i understand that i cant carry this anger.
But I expressed my displeasure with what she did in a very respectful manner. I did not yell or carry on about it. She chose to try and dismiss my feelings as usual and I let it drop and went skating with my kids.
But I do feel like I have every right to be angry with her over this. I think my reaction to that anger was in line. I confronted the issue in a respectful manner. All I'm doing now Fender is venting my frustrations in an attempt to process and move forward from it. Again....healthy IMHO.
Hi D
I understand that i am stuck with her.
I hope in time, you will see it as not being stuck. I hope in time she will learn to be a good mom, and at least be a cordial co-parent.
You do have every right to be angry, and what she did was super wrong.
I'm sorry that she chose to dismiss it, but as of right now, you can't expect anything else.
Just don't let the anger consume you, I know you won't, but the kids do notice.
And you knows yours are super smart.
k?
Hey scottie2hottie...
I was just commenting to a friend the other day that I wish we didn't have to 'keep' the X b/c of the kid connection. The other night, my X called twice in the evening and I answered b/c I thought maybe the girls needed me. But nope, it was just him. I'd love to go a couple of weeks w/o contact.
Sorry that your X is being an irresponsible parent. That is tough. Wish I had some great words of wisdom about not letting it bother you or blah blah blah, but I don't. They can be frustrating as h3ll! So keep taking care of you and keep being that advocate your kids deserve.
Speaking of OP in our kids' lives, I was talking to OW's X last night and he said what kills him is going to pick up his girls and the 4 of them (OW, his D12 and D9 and my X) are sitting on the couch together and he just feels rage that my x has taken his place in his family. The good news in all of that for me is that not once have I picked up my kids and had OW there. Lucky me. Cuz I know that would suck. And then D6 told me the other day that even tho we are D'd, that doesn't mean we can't live in the same house. I just laughed and said 'yes it does'. Can you imagine me making coffee for OW in the morning???!!!
Take care, S2H. Love sharing the craziness w/ ya. So don't feel alone.
Thanks Bean. You know I'll let it go. Already am. Her behavior really doesn't keep me down for long. I'm good sweetie.
Thanks so much sweet julie! And I know I have it SO good compared to you. I really do. I don't know how you do it sweetie. I really don't!!!
P's mother lives with her and her dad and step mom live across the street. It was a super ugly D and he was (and is) a super jerk. BAD stuff. But now her mom and step mom are good friend's and she has forgiven her X. How? I do not know. But it gives me hope.
curious...did p's dad have an affair with the stepmom?
scott, I totally understand the venting. it IS frustrating. but I'm also glad that you aren't letting it pull you down. just keep on being you.
He had affairs...not sure if the R with her stepmom was one of them or later. But he did a lot more than that. And thanks M!!!
I was just commenting to a friend the other day that I wish we didn't have to 'keep' the X b/c of the kid connection. The other night, my X called twice in the evening and I answered b/c I thought maybe the girls needed me. But nope, it was just him. I'd love to go a couple of weeks w/o contact.
ITA Jules!!! Sooooo many times I look at the caller ID and DON'T want to answer, but I know I have to because of the kids. I am so comfortable in my life
except when I have to talk to him.And that is part of the reaon behind my wanting to handle things with him through e-mail....that and the fact that he seems to only remember twisted conversations where I agree with him, even though it never happened!!! And amazingly he has no memory of the name calling and accusations he throws at me.
suzy, I am sooo much happier since we took most, if not all, of our R/business talk to e-mail! now when I see h, it still sucks, but its all small talk for the most part, so its not threatening or too terribly annoying.
I was actually talking with a friend today about this. Obviously we will need to find a way to deal with conflict. Because if we are going to parent together than we will have conflict. So I may ask her how she wants to communicate about this stuff and limit it to that.
Well, and it is getting easy to converse w/ X. So talking to him the other day wasn't a big deal other than I want to pick and choose. I want to be able to choose to not talk to him for a week or two if I don't want to. Yet, I answer b/c the kids might need me.
So it does get easier, the closer you get to the D and all. It is amazingly easier to talk to my X now and before I would get all frazzled. But sheesh...
Totally agree J! I am so much more at ease around her now. Mostly because I don't feel like I am under the microscope anymore. Which is of course because I no longer care what she thinks of me. Feels good!
Scott,
You do need to get past the point where her cr@p affects you. For you, not for her! My favorite quote on this subject:
Anger is not necessary, it has no value.
This says it all! It won't help you to achieve your goals nor to become a better person, so let it out of your life!
SD
Toots...
You get angry because you expect human behaviors out of your STBX. You EXPECT her to understand your wishes and consider them before making any actions.
She doesn't do that.
Stop letting her know where your goat is tied up sweetie!!!
Wow SD...I really disagree with that statement. Anger is an extremely important and normal emotion. And although my X made me feel ashamed for expressing it...it is not something to be hidden away and swallowed. Anger is fine, it is how you deal with that anger that matters.
Remember I did not so much raise my voice to her...but instead calmly expressed my displeasure with her ignoring my request. And let me remind everyone. We teach people to treat us how they want. So by saying nothing when she does something lime this teaches her thatbits acceptable. Its not. I know I can't change her. I know I can't make her be respectful. But I sure as hell can tell her that I don't appreciate it. And that is what I did.
THEN I came here to journal and vent through some of my feelings. Which helps me to process it and move forward from it. Which it has.
So thank you to everyone but I guess Im just not really looking to be fixed. Was just venting - period. I know very well not to harbor resentment. I know that is not healthy. Hence why I started it all with the statement that I just needed to vent.
So with that said...I'm over it - really am...so lets change the subject.
Kids have a snow day! God help me!
Puddle. I EXPECTED her to do exactly what she did. As a matter of fact my D brought it up a week prior. But that will not keep me from asking to be respected when I feel like I have not been. And I have every right to be upset that my wishes concerning my kids were ignored. Ok...done.
so ya actually getting snow down your way then, scott???
I take that back. One more thing. Let me put it this way. If my kid is allergic to peanuts and I ask his teacher not to feed them to him but she decides she will anyway and not tell me....do I have a right to be upset about that? I think so. She is not immune to it just because she is my crazy X. I will still request respect without EXPECTING to receive it.
It is now M. I was surprised they cancelled it last night!
for sure you have that right!!! Holy crap Toots...I hope you weren't thinking I didn't think you had the right to be respected!!! that's not what I was saying at all.
I believe anger can be very healthy...it lets us know when a line has been crossed.
I was just suggesting that you knew in your heart that she would pull this crap (because you expected it already)
so if you knew she would do it...why bash your head against that wall.
I am all for fighting battles we find worthwhile. Only we know what battles are worth fighting for us.
I constantly ram my head against a wall here because I hate when kids wear confederate flag shirts...it offends me. I send them to the office. they get sent back to my room. It's the circle. It is a battle I feel is worth fighting. So yup...everyday when I send them down there I know they will be sent back. I used to get really angry about it (I still get po'ed) but I expect it so I can adjust my anger and use it to be more productive...like I talk about why they got sent to the office with the class. We have discussions when they come back. I use it to educate them that I don't beleive it is the "rebel" flag etc....
(not trying to start a flag fight on Swashy's thread...just trying to make a point please...everyone who loves the confederate flag and thinks it should be waving proudly and high can post it on my thread)
So my take on it is...if you expect her to disregard your wishes...how can you turn that righteous anger into something more productive to your cause?
Don't keep bangin gyour head against that wall. If it's a fight worth fighting, then fight it but fight it smarter....
did I make sense, Toots, or was the flag talk distracting?
The flag talk was perfect actually. And I feel like i handled it in similar way....except for talking to the class. Instead I came here and vented about it.
Ohhh...and Ian got an ear full. Which was actually kind of funny because about halfway through the conversation the connection died. Well I continued to swear my head off...not realizing that I was talking to myself. When he called back he apologized and said that his phone disconnects afer so many F-bombs. Heeheee.
SO...snow day has been fun. Kids helped me shovel the driveway and then we made the worlds biggest snowball AND a snowman who lost his head and was holding it in his hands. Thanks to Calvin and Hobbs for that one.
Hope everyone is doing great. Got a C appointment tonight. STBX is going to watch the kids for me so that I can go. AND she is going to watch them on the SuperBowl. My birthday is a couple days before so I want to have a birthday/bowl bash.
I was so hoping to make some calvin and hobbes snow people (really was shooting for the sharks/swimmer!), but the snow here was too powdery...nothing would hold together.
yay for birthday/bowl bash!!! although I can't help but picture a giant alphabet soup. lol.
OMG - too funny M!
So I had a C appointment tonight. STBX was nice enough to watch the kids for me so I could go.
Haven't been in a while so there was a LOT to catch up on!
Lets see...told her that STBX failed out of school and she thinks that she is basically a train wreck and is glad to see that I have truly moved on and that I'm distancing myself from her. She thinks I handled everything regarding bringing D7 around OM correctly. I think she was more upset about me losing my job then I was. LOL. She loves to hear about my dating life, etc. Even asked me to email her updates. HA! Thinks that I'm doing great with the kids and is SO happy to hear how i'm setting boundaries for them.
So...all in all...she thinks I'm doing great. Amazingly well actually. So that feels great. And I've said it before...she's not the type to just affirm me....so I know she really does.
I leave there with a huge smile on my face. But it does leave me wondering if I need to even go. I feel like it's just a chat session to some degree....bringing her up to speed. But I was talking to a friend on the way home and she told me that sometimes that's ok...to just come away with that affirmation that you are on the right track. Guess that's true too. Actually...heck..maybe I need to go more so I don't have to spend the whole time catching her up and so I can work on some issues. I don't know.
But anyway...life is SO good right now. It really, really is. I forgot that I could be this happy. Man it feels good to be back.
Picked up the kids around 7:30 from STBX. She was in her PJs...looked like crap actually. Granted she gets up at 5am to go to work so I'm sure she was cooked...but man! Oh well...onward and upward.
scott, I think its good to keep your IC for a bit, personally. I've taken mine down to every other week. but even my friend (a therapist herself) sees her IC, if only to touch base a few times a year.
actually, would be a good thing to talk to your IC about...what she thinks about it. she may not tell you without you asking, but guessing she has an idea as to when she sees your IC ending/what she'd like to see happen first. I know when I talk to my friend she has a ballpark for her clients...obviously it depends more on progress than a true timeline, but still has a guesstimation in her head (and that stretches based on the client).
So..I think I mentioned before that H was on a trip to India. Well I sent out a pic of the kids earlier to a bunch of people and just got this back from her.
that is an AWESOME picture! How's it going? How have you been spending your time?
I just arrived home - about a week and a half early. Mom's cancer spread to the brain. My mission is to make her happy and comfy. More later on that. Once things settle down and jet lag has subsided, I want to see your smiling face!
I can't believe this. Her mother seemed to be doing so well. H's strength and positive attitude is always so amazing to me. Please...everyone...keep them both in your thoughts and prayers.
Hey All! Life is good. The sun is shinging..although it's a bit cold out. Kids go back to STBX tongiht. Apparently her department at work was invited to go to one of those places where you race those suped up go carts. I've done it a couple of times..it's a blast. She wants to go but has the kids so she asked if I could watch them. Asked if she could be back in time to put them to bed or if she would like to switch a day for it. No response. She's probably POd that I wouldn't just take them.
She is watching them on Super Bowl Sunday for me so that I can have a party. And that's great. But all she is doing is replacing that day for another one. Which is fine. I get that. And I've just noticed a track record of when she needs time off...i give it to her and ask for nothing in return. She went to Maine with OM, she went to FL and she had her orientation at work. I had them like 16 out of a 20 day strectch in Dec. Yet..when I want one day...we just swap days. Which is fine too...but it has to be even and fair.
But i shouldn't be assuming i guess. Maybe she's not pissed. I'm reading The Four Agreements. (Xmas present from P) And one of the agreements is to not assume. So...i put it out there and she is free to react however she wants. If she has a problem with it and doesn't tell me...the only person she is hurting is herself. I refuse to play this game with her anymore.
And it feels great!
I just wish i could shake this cold. ick.
She is watching them on Super Bowl Sunday for me so that I can have a party. And that's great. But all she is doing is replacing that day for another one. Which is fine. I get that. And I've just noticed a track record of when she needs time off...i give it to her and ask for nothing in return.
So... ask!
so sorry to hear about H's mom, scott. will keep them both in my thoughts and prayers. so scary.
I like the not assuming thing. my friend has been trying to drum that into my head for a while now. I think you did good, putting it out there like that. ball's in her court now.
So I just got a text from STBX so I asked her about Thurs. I had offered to watch them until she gets home around 9pm - and it sounds like that is what she will do. That way I can still go out if i want to and i won't have to get them up and on the bus.
She's really excited. I'm jealous. LOVE that place. LOL. Just gave her some tips.
So all is good.
And thanks M! Really appreciate it.
swashy,
Hey.
Your therapist sounds great. I really like knowing I'm on the right track. I've also felt the way you do about just going more often so I don't have to spend most of the session just trying to catch my therapist up on everything. Must've felt good to be assured you had handled things in a healthy way with your STBX when it came to your kids being brought around OM. Sorry to hear about H's Mom.... they are in my thoughts. Good work on not assuming what your STBX is thinking or going to do anymore, btw. Hope you're getting over your cold!
Peace. f21
Thanks J!!
So W had her little work outing last night. Dropped the kids off around 5pm and was back around 9pm to get them. My BFF (that's 4u jules!) was here. She hasn't seen him since the bomb. So I just tried to get their coats and shoes on and shuffle them out the door so she wouldn't have to (I know, I know).
Well she comes walking up the steps with a big smile all happy about her night. Then comes in with a "who's here", gives him a big hi and a hug. I was a little surprised. Figured she'd just grab and run.
Not what sure to make of it. Did she know it was him and WANT to see him? Did she think it was a chick? Did she just not care who was here? Oh well. Guess it doesn't really matter. Just kinda felt like I had a 180 thrown at me so it left my head spinning a bit. Whateva!
Then my buddy and I ran out and grabbed a couple beers. Things between hisS and him seem I be getting worse not better. Sucks to watch. He seems to be doing a good job of focusing on himself. He knows there are some things he needs to fix about himself and he's facing it head on. Which is great to see.
She said something like "ive spent the last 10 years of my life focussed on you". And its like she's blaming him for that. Well he never asked her to do that. That was her choice. I just hate victim crap. Own your life! Own your choices!
Today is Ps birthday. Not sure what the plan is but I know we're going out for drinks! Just sent her a text singing happy bday. May see if she wants to grab a coffee too.
Made a few contacts yesterday about work. Headhunters etc. Progress. It was nice not to have to get S5 off the bus at noon and to actually be able to focus on it.
Other than that....not much is new. Life is good!
Morning Toots!!!
have fun at the b-day celebration
moooorning puddle!
thank you!!!
shmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I have to say, the toots and puddle thing is cracking me up. if only because my kids love that series of books! lol.
good luck with the headhunters...hope you land a great job soon!!!
happy birthday birthday to P....have fun tonight.
Things between hisS and him seem I be getting worse not better. She said something like "ive spent the last 10 years of my life focussed on you". And its like she's blaming him for that. Well he never asked her to do that. That was her choice. I just hate victim crap.
Isn't this what they all think? That they've been so put out and put upon and now it's their turn? Ha, this when I think they could all use a good swift kick. Once you make a choice to have kids you don't have the luxury of these kinds of choices until they're raised. Unfortunately we had the good fortune to pick people who felt that they missed out. Trouble is what they missed happened way before we ever came into the picture. We just happened to be in the line of fire!
Own your life! Own your choices!
Ya' like that's gonna' happen!
Thanks M! I know it cracks me up too.
I hear ya Bethie. I just really hope she can pull her head out of her ass and get a positive attitude about this. Scaring me.
So P and I went out for lunch this afternoon and had a few.
We were dancing in the car to 80s music. Now I'm going to go pick her up and her friends, we're going drinking and then dancing later. Gonna have a blast. So excited. wooohoooo.
Hope everyone is great.