Hello everyone,
My name is Peggy, I've posted for 2 years in MLC, first as almosthopeless, then as almosthopeful. I was married 21 years, separated 2 of that, and my D was final July 2007. It is past time for me to come over here, so here I am, following BBA, F1, and lissie among others.
My first post is a downer, I apologize, but I need to get it out...
Today my 12 year-old Standard poodle Annie is unconscious in the emergency vet and will probably not recover.
Tonight, my XH marries his SOW. Our S15 will be there. Also our very best couple in friend in the world will be there. They are so terribly stuck in the middle, yet it feels like a huge betrayal and I am struggling.
I know it is customary to serve beverages over here...I have an interesting collection of liquor as a non-drinker who likes to cook with bourbon and wine!
Happy new year to all old and new friends.
AH
Hi Peggy!
Welcome to surviving... not that I hang out here myself. But another big step for you and I just want to say I am following and sending hugs.
My heart goes out to you for getting through this night of loss/betrayal and all. This it seems would be the final last straw, so you can go on w/o so much longing. Except the part about 'why is he w/ someone and I am alone.' Hate that. 2008 will get better from here.
Also hugs for you for your sweet Annie. I have a fondness for standard poodles ever since I met one 25 yrs ago named Amy.
xxxx Amy
Amy,
It is good to hear from you, and happy new year to you.
We are all going to have better years, over here is surviving, I am just sure of us.
Thanks for the comments about Annie, she has been a gift for a long time, and I will so miss her.
Hugs,
AH
Hi sweetie.
I am so sorry that these things are piling up on you right now. You have always displayed such grace and dignity, perhaps it is really time to cut loose. A few dances on the kitchen table???? Okay, maybe not....
Hey a nice stroll on the beach sounds wonderful. Maybe some sun in your face and a sea breeze to lift the spirits.
You are a blessing, sweetie. Believe it.
much love
J
PS. Sweetie, I believe that if you weren't having those emotions, you wouldn't be quite human. Or you would be numb...That would stink. Feel them, they are yours.
Hi Peggy!
Sorry that 2008 is getting off to a rough start for you.
I hope things pick up.
So sorry about your dog.
A hug and a shoulder for you, my dear friend who has given me many of both over lo these many months.
I am devastated over the news about Annie, and wish I could set Mr. Noemotion on fire.
Just know you are among friends and you are loved.
besos,
BA
{{{{Peggy}}}}
Oh my Lord in Heaven, please take Peggies hand and help her through this terrible trial in life you have given her. Amen
Peggy,
I am so very sorry. I wish I had more powerful words that could comfort you at this time or even something incredibly witty to say that might put a smile upon your face. There is nothing that could possibly do that right now.
A few more weeks Peggy, Is all I am going to give you before I drive up there. Thats it. I will not accept no for an answer. We need to thoroughly get you out and enoy the afternoon.
Know that your beloved Annie has had a wonderful life, she is loved and will be missed. If it is time for her to go play in the big meadow chasing butterflies just know she will be happy.
Oh God I'm sorry......
How can this bastard get married on January Fricken FIRST??? I hope you get some comfort knowing since he is getting MARRIED so quickly after your d that this is probably going to BITE HIM IN THE ASSS SOON!
Don't be surprised if you get a phone call oneday asking you if you've been up to michief. I have his phone #, and I can put some serious MISTRUST into Mrs. SOW's head. Just send me a picture of him and I'll put myself into the picture and then I"LL call her up as I'm sure she's staying at his place and I know his #.
I'm having such bad bad wicked thoughts. I must go and ask for forgivness.
I am truly sorry. This man has no class, no emotions, no sense of decency, no scruples, no morals NO NOTHING!.
Take comfort that you are the exact opposite of him.
{HUGS} my dear friend.
YOU DON'T DRINK???? ok.....I'll drink enough for two.
Luv ya Peggy
Jeanette
Peggy....after knowing you for so long, and through so much in both of our lives, it's wonderfully intimate to call you by your name.
((( Peggy )))
Sweetie, I cannot tell you how much I want to give you a REAL hug right now. To just hold your hand, make you some tea and tuck you in. We all wish we were there for you now, in person.
But, as BBA said, know you are loved, and we are with you in spirit.
I am so sorry about your baby Annie. I know it's been a tough road with her for a while now, and how much you loved her. This must be tough on S15, too, having to be away for this now.
And, I cannot even begin to say how much I want to hold your hand about the whole marriage thing, today. Peggy, this is a world of hurt, and as F1 said, these are real emotions, don't feel bad about feeling them. We are feeling them for you. It doesn't matter that you've been through this for 2 years, that you're divorced, it still hurts.
I'm sorry you had to send your baby S15 to that, and I can feel your sense of betrayal by your friends. You know they are aching now, too, but you are human to feel that you wish they had just said "no" - that SOMEONE finally said "no" to your XH.
I know it feels like you're alone. Like you don't know what ever was so wrong in your M that was worth walking away from, and how he is so suddenly committed now. I know it's hard to see a brighter day now.
But, I will share what a friend told me last night, one that had been through an awful D. She said "you know, you never know what is right around the corner, when you're clinging to something for dear life that is not good for you. It turns out it's exactly what you wanted and were looking for, and better than anything you could have imagined."
Tonight, feel your emotions. But, know that in the meantime, all of us here will be looking forward to that light of hope for you.
I don't know really how to type this without tears running down my face.
I want to hold you, and , hold you. I want to take this pain away from you. You are an angel, a dear true friend.
I want the hits to stop coming.
As I said a prayer when i read your post, I felt a calm my lovey.
You are going to be ok Miss Peggy. Annie, is in all of our prayers.
I am happy, you have come over.
Please keep us posted.
I love you mamma.
We will hold your hand as much as we can.
((( Peggy )))
Just checking up on you, and sharing with you that we are all sending our love and care.
If you're on the boards, drop a line and tell us how you are....
If you're wanting a break from the BB, know that we love you.
xoxo
thinking about you sweetness.
HUGS
Hey, Sugar, check in and let us know how you are or email, if you prefer.
Love,
BA
AH,
I'll still call you that, Peggy, because I've always called you AH!
Darling friend, I am sorry about all of this. Is your dog ok? I hope you post about this soon. I am saying a prayer; I understand how much a pet adds to your life, especially right now.
About xh, well, there it is...the last bomb. And you're still wonderful and strong. And you will be ok. I can't begin to say I know how that feels, but you have survived this all the way from a to z now.
When you get up to it, post more about your beach cottage. I love hearing about it.
Hugs and hugs and hugs tonight.
Thank you all, everyone, for checking in and checking on...
S15 and I had Annie put down this morning. She had been unconscious for more than 36 hours. They can't know for sure, but the vets suspect she had a brain tumor that caused a series of seizures, then a really high fever, with brain and organ damage.
She was just breathing steadily, but totally nonresponsive. I waited for S15 to come home from the da** wedding, because he asked me to, so we went first thing this morning. Now she is with her litter mate, Sam, that we lost last summer. They were great, great dogs.
Well, sh** happens, that is for sure. I think S15 is a little overwhelmed with all the goings on...he fell asleep for several hours this PM. Me too. Then we watched the newest Harry Potter DVD, that was a good diversion.
We are taking one last trip tomorrow to finish off S's holiday break...heading up to the cold country to see my brother and his family. S15 loves his uncle and is good buds with one of his step-cousins. So we're both looking forward to it.
Thanks again everybody. I'm looking forward to a new tone over here in surviving. Happy new year again to all.
So, so sorry, Babe.
Nothing is harder, but know you gave her a great life, and in the end, peace. Two wonderful gifts. And remember all the gifts she gave you.
And you are right, now she is with her littermate and romping and playing and being a young pup again.
And watching over you and your son, your angel.
Get some rest, enjoy the rest of your "break".
love,
BA
AH,
How was your visit today with your brother? Please post again soon.
I am so incredibly sorry about your Annie. Hugs...
(((AH)))
Sorry to hear the year's starting out on such a sad note for you.
AH,
You are a blessing to precious Annie, as you were to Sam, as you are to us.
You are a miracle to that wonderful boy of yours.
much love
J
Peggy,
I'm sorry to hear about your dog. It's never easy to make that decision, but you obviously did all that you could for her.
I'll be praying for you and your son.
Thanks,
Joe
My dear heart.
I am so sorry about Annie. HUGs to you, Bless her heart, she is now with sam.
Know that you are in my prayers lovey.
HUGS
Well you all are just dears, old and new friends.
My trip to visit brother was fine, we didn't do much, except I avoided thinking about my life! Step-cousin wasn't all that hospitable to S, maybe he'd had enough of family during the holidays.
Being back has not been so great. Honestly, I need to get back in to see my new T--the first time I saw her, the X was engaged but the wedding date unknown.
I know this is ridiculous, but I dread going into work. As if everyone will know, will be talking, etc. I need to get past that quickly. Of course they will know, and they may be talking, but it is unlikely that it will be negative toward me.
I learned from a former co-worker, who now works in a different state, how the people who report to XH found out--through their secretaries. Yes, OW (now Mrs. XH) announced the upcoming wedding at a staff meeting, and the staff went back and told their bosses, all of whom report to XH. Is he proud? Cowardly? Insane? All of the above?
Okay. End of obsessing over people and situations that I cannot control. So far, both S and I have had a challenging first week back in school, but it has to get better, right.
I miss Annie. She was calm. MacGyver is darling, but calm he is not.
End of rambling. I need to finish my syllabus and tentative assignments for my course that starts tonight.
Cheers to all.
Well damn you are feeling the way you are supposed to be feeling.
and i love that you are honest.
Tell that step cousin, that he better not treat your S that way ever again. Or i'll start cursing in spanish.
I am sorry you feel bad about going into YOUR work place b/c the HO works there.
A HO is a HO is a HO, degree or not.
She didn't gain a prize sweetie, she got your left overs, and your left overs are whacked in the head.
Walk in there with your head held up high, b/c you took out the trash and she picked it up.
The people are really saying. He left Peggy For that?
I bet you.
I know you must miss Annie, (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) These bubbies are so special sweetness.
I see MacGyvor will keep you on your toes ( i love that name)
You matter and you are special sweetness. Don't let anyone ever take that away from you
luv ya
Well, I'm afraid I got a cracked rib from a hug. Damn, it's not like I get too many of those as it is right now.
Thursday or Friday night, S15 was giving me a big hug--he is not too tall but stocky, and he was huggin' hard and all of sudden I heard a pop. Now, I am still really sore under the right boob (such as it is!) and guess I'm going to have to go get an xray.
Is that just not the last straw--getting injured from affection. Is somebody out there in the cosmos trying to tell me something (other than I need a bone density scan).
Okay. Last week work wasn't bad because XH and new Mrs. XH were out on their friggin honeymoon. This week, to be honest, I'm still dreading.
So LIssie, this was very welcome, and thank you:
Walk in there with your head held up high, b/c you took out the trash and she picked it up.
The people are really saying. He left Peggy For that?
Thanks sweetie...someone actually said as much to me last week. Still, it isn't all that easy. My new T made me promise to at least take a step toward finding a different, equally suitable job. The problem is, there aren't exactly universities on every street corner, especially in central Florida where education isn't high on anybody's list of priorities (sigh). OTOH, who says I have to stay in higher ed forever.
Okay end of rambling. Hope everyone's week is off to to a healthy and happy start.
Hey Peggy!
It's almost time. We need to take a long walk on the beach, followed up by a long relaxed lunch with perhaps a glass or two of wine. Hell.....we could then take another walk on the beach and go back for dinner!
You do know that we have wonderful Universities further south from you right??? I'm sure with your wonderful teching abilities you wouldn't have any problems obtaining the position of your dreams......
AND! I have a house that you would absolutly LOVE!
I'll leave the lights on for you
Tender (hugs)
Jeanette
Hey Peggy!
It's almost time. We need to take a long walk on the beach, followed up by a long relaxed lunch with perhaps a glass or two of wine. Hell.....we could then take another walk on the beach and go back for dinner!
You do know that we have wonderful Universities further south from you right??? I'm sure with your wonderful teching abilities you wouldn't have any problems obtaining the position of your dreams......
AND! I have a house that you would absolutly LOVE!
I'll leave the lights on for you
Tender (hugs)
Jeanette
Hey sparkles. I'm glad to hear from you. My month is shaping up funny, what are you doing on the weekend of the 26th?
I've already taught at one of those unis near you--for 4 1/2 years about 15 years ago. I didn't want to leave South Florida, but you-know-who just had to go get a bigger job somewhere else.
I actually had an email recently from someone still on faculty down there that said the current dean "would love to have me back." I love hearing that and I hate moving even more!
How're you doing...post more.
Peggy!
Lets see.....what am I doing the weekend of the 26th??? ANYTHING I WANT TO DO!
So thats ONE perk of being single.
Hmmm....that email, along with the way you feel about walking into work could me a sign....don't over look it.
Perhaps you could get the Dean as an incentive to get you back on staff......send you professional movers!!!!
I'm doing okie-dokie.....I would post most but theres nothing to post about. Hell, I can only post about that damn sprinkler motor for so long before I'm even sick of it. And no, he still has not managed to obtain one. But it rained hard last night so I'm good to go for a week or so!
sparkles, want to go to Savannah? SEe my post on Sunflower's thread. Anyother Southeast Dbers want to go to Savannah??/
Had a weird exchange with Xh. I'm really worried about S's academic performance, woke up in the middle of the night stewing about it. Since I was up, I wrote a longish, calm pensive email to XH, basically saying "you're his dad, so I'm sharing this worry with you." Also, I wanted to set up a neutral pick-up/drop off point for WEdnesday nights, and wanted to confirm some scheduling stuff. XH wrote back a reply that was thoughtful and damn near pleasant. I think he must be ill.
Anyway, my every-other-week lunch partner had to cancel today. It's funny how those planned social events start to become a big deal when things are a little tough; I was really disappointed that she canceled. But we're on for Thursday--a lot has happened since before the holidays so she's in for a big earful.
Okay. Gotta work a little, and monitor S15's study for biology test. GAds I think the way they teach that subject is absurd...all memorizing and hardly any interesting content or analysis. Bleh. Poor teachers, I'm not blaming them, but the text is duller than dirt, and I love almost any book!
Last night was my first time to see XH since his remarriage. I drop S15 off to spend Wednesday nights with his dad while I teach. We dropped off at a conveniently located gas station, and I picked up at a Barnies. No more going to my "old" home for me.
It was uncomfortable, a little. XH actually asked me a question about my classes. Probably the first question he has asked me about me in 3 years. Scary, that. It means he may have actually been listening to me the past several times we talked.
I feel a little numb. This BB is probably the only place that I could ever admit to still sometimes harboring a reconciliation fantasy. Don't ask me why, I really wouldn't want to go there!
Yesterday was busy, busy, busy. I got put on the board of S15's former school...it is a specialty school for kids with reading disabilities. It is my first time to do "community" service of that type and I'm looking forward to it. Anyway, I went to the first board meeting yesterday before my class. The school's founder and director is a real champion and advocate for the kids, but I will tell you he can be long-winded. And that is a statement, coming from me!
I reached that point where the list of things that are broken in the house has reached a tipping point...so now it is time to contact plumber, garage-door guy, etc. etc.
Okay, journaling over. Need to get class prep done before lunch with GF.
Hi AH,
Thanks for posting on my thread; I didn't know you were here.
Wow, a wedding - how lovely. And everyone at work knows all about it, even lovlier. ugh.
I went through a stage of worrying about what people would think of me if they saw XH and gf together, but when I shared this with some friends, they asked me what I would think if it were them. Of course, I said I wouldn't be impressed! Well, why would it be different for me? I think we are a lot harder on ourselves than others are, esp when we might (ahem) be comparing ourselves to the new w and finding ourselves falling short (in our own minds, of course).
I hope you have a nice evening.
Nicola
Nic, thanks for posting, I'm glad you still keep us updated from time to time.
Journaling:
S15 and I had a decent long weekend. One of my Sis47s (they are twins) came to visit. She arrived late Saturday night, so S and I had a less than perfect day finally dealing with the Christmas trees and doing some very past due house cleaning. I am not at my best when I have to do the thinking and planning for two...I still struggle with remembering that noone has actually taught S how to clean a bathroom, etc. So this is an area for me to work on if I expect to him to help effectively. (Hope springs eternal, right?)
Sis was fun to have around. We took two very long walks, watched some movies, had some fun meals and did a little shopping, including getting a joint gift for baby sis whose bday is this week.
Now back to real life. I am a little like a teen myself as far as staying up too late on weekends and then having trouble the first day back into the work week.
Another XH oddity...last week I finally went to get his name off of the checking account that I use. WE always maintained two accounts, with each of us signers on both, but one clearly his to use and one mine. So I figure I might trust him, but definitely not new Mrs. XH, so it was time to get him off the account. The woman at the bank told me he had to sign an affidavit...I said what? I never signed one? She said, well, maybe you are still on his account. And guess what, I was. I don't know why that strikes me as so weird, that he couldn't wait to divorce me, has remarried, and I'm still on his checking account. But it does. I took the affidavit to him and suggested he get a copy for himself, so he is taking care of it. Odd, odd, odd.
Oh well. I am in the slow learner category when it comes to letting go. but I am working on it so no more XH analysis today.
Hope all you survivors enjoyed the weekend. We had not so good weather, but it was warmer than Sis's home, so she was still happy.
Later.
Glad your sis spent time with you lovey.
Those walks sound wonderful. Your son is gonna just LOVE the cleaning bathroom lesson. NOT!
Have a great day
Hey lissie, thanks for posting. How are you??? What is the status of your legal stuff???
YIKES! Strong son...hope your rib is better!
Your xh is just as odd as ever. Still a checking account with your name and asking about your life.....
But, you sound good, and getting better each day!
xoxo, Always
AH, babe,
I've been thinking about this. In that little pink book,
The Script which I recommend ad nauseum, there is a small section on this.
The ex-husband will try in some way to keep a connection to his "old" life. As the people in his new life wish his old one would disappear, and people in his old life certainly don't want to hear about his new one, he tries to keep his life whole by keeping bits of his old life in his new one. (Jeeepers, that sounds complicated!)
Many years ago, when I first tried sewing, I made a beautiful (if I do say so myself) smoking jacket in burgundy silk with black velvet collar and cuffs for my now ex-husband. He barely wore it, actually I wore it more than he. However, it was one of the few items of clothing at the house that he took with him.
Now tell me, what new love of his is going to want to look at that? "Oh, yeah, my ex-wife made that for me...." is a real conversation starter.
So don't try to figure, just realize it seems very typical, and be amused like I know you are.
kisses babe
J
Hey always, yup, little S15 isn't so little anymore. The rib is much better, after 10 or 12 rough days, thanks.
F1,
jeez louise, I thought I was the crazy one. That connections thing is weird, but not so much in the context of all the other MLC craziness. Wouldn't that feel awful not to be able to talk about your past--just like you were born today with no history. Not for me.
thanks for visitin' ladies.
Nope, babe. You aren't crazy. Well, as far as we know! :-)))
Yes, it's crazy making. Seems weird, but what ow wants to hear "oh, my ex-wife blah blah blah" or horror of horrors, he screws up and says "his wife" and not referring to her.
Oooopsies! That would be bad.
I literally took the rest of the plates and glasses that he took his "half" of (didn't report that to the lawyer, wonder why?) and deposited them on sis-in-law's porch. she can throw them away or mail them to him. Or skeet shoot. Whatever.
We are "allowed" to keep our memories, while they aren't. Sux to be them, yes?
kisses
J
We are "allowed" to keep our memories, while they aren't. Sux to be them, yes?
You are a smart cookie...we are allowed and we are the lucky ones in that.
I hope you're staying warm, I couldn't take it, below 60 and I require three layers.
Jeeeeepers! You're not supposed to notice. Golly! Time to bleach the mop.
You are very sweet. Yes, I am staying warm. Haven't kidnapped any men to use as alternate heat sources (yet), so I'm doing groovy.
Yes, we are lucky. We must remember that for our general all around peace of mind. Heaven knows we deserve that.
kisses babe
J
My Christmas cacti are blooming for the second time this season. This is one of those tiny things that gives me joy to see. I have two cacti that are several (many) years old. Every year I dutifully ignore them for 11 months, until December 10. Then I usually get about a month's worth of gorgeous. Well, bloom time this year was only about 2-3 weeks, and now, shazam, I've got twice as many blooms as I had in December. Hurray, I've got valentine's day cacti.
No, I'm not crazy, just enjoying the small stuff, and avoiding getting ready for work!
Happy Valentines Day !!
How are you doing sweetie?
I think of you often.....hoping your getting stronger each and every day!
HUGS
Jeanette
Hi sparkles,
Thanks for checking on me. I'm up and down like a yo-yo, but that seems to be normal for now, so I'm not letting it get to me much.
S15 is struggling mightily academically...so I find myself spending hours every day working with him. Between this, commuting and work, I haven't been doing much else.
Anyway, every time I think to post, it seems like it would take so long to catch up that I just read some other threads instead.
Most notable of the last month was S15's first weekend with Xh and Mrs. XH as a married couple. S had a small meltdown the Sunday night that he returned. Among other things, he didn't have any time alone with his dad, which seems stupid to me. I was/am really, really proud of him, though. He talked about it to his T, and then with his T there, S actually talked to his dad about some of his feelings.
I had to laugh...at one point S said " Mom, it just seems like she is in control of everything." I couldn't help it, I said "well S the reason it seems that way is because she IS in control, otherwise nothing your dad has done the last few months make any sense at all." But I reminded S that neither of us can do a thing about that, so we just have to work with it as best we can.
It is so strange, my interactions with XH are still as if new Mrs. XH doesn't exist. She's never mentioned, I never see her, and XH has never said her name to me since he told me they were getting married. I drop S off at a gas station on the corner of the campus, and I pick him up at a Barnie's after my class. What a strange way to live.
I'm in a weird state of mind...moving toward better, but still with some big setbacks. On the one hand, I'm glad valentines day doesn't seem to be bothering me, but I think it would if I went into work and ran into the two newlyweds. So I'm better, but not cured!
Enough rambling for now.
Hugs and happy day to all.
I love you.
ICK.
I love that your S talked to his T then to his dad. Only for the purpose of getting your S to oepn up and speak up. Breaking the cycle.
S15 is struggling mightily academically...so I find myself spending hours every day working with him. Between this, commuting and work, I haven't been doing much else.
He is going to be fine, b/c he has you. Maybe you need a full body massage, but some hott muscle-ish guy.
It is so strange, my interactions with XH are still as if new Mrs. XH doesn't exist. She's never mentioned, I never see her,
welcome to my weird world, Susan is only mentioned b/c of me. like she is not real. But we know they are. B/c of the stories we hear from our babies
I am so happy that your son is talking about it.
Let me know how is goes in school for him
((((((((((((((((AH)))))))))))))
It is so strange, my interactions with XH are still as if new Mrs. XH doesn't exist. She's never mentioned, I never see her,
welcome to my weird world, Susan is only mentioned b/c of me. like she is not real. But we know they are. B/c of the stories we hear from our babies
The weirdness continues along these same lines:
XH and new Mrs. XH were passing through town tonight on the way to a little 5 day resort stay, austensibly business (snark). XH wanted to see S, and take him out for dinner. Fine with me, of course.
So......Xh picks up S, takes him, brings him back. New Mrs. isn't mentioned, nor does she seem to be in the car!
How many years do you think he plans to pull this off. She is like the (invisible) elephant in the living room. I'm think I should start an office pool, taking bets on when he is going to say her name to me.
Nice thing happened at work Monday...my boss/good friend cornered me and said AH I don't want you think I don't appreciate how difficult it is for you to come in here.
I have a lunch date Saturday. We'll see.
That's all for now.
Nice thing happened at work Monday...my boss/good friend cornered me and said AH I don't want you think I don't appreciate how difficult it is for you to come in here.
That is so comforting. You need to hear that once in a while.
Have fun on Saturday.
Hi AH!!!
Glad to see you doing well. Sure, we all have our moments, and days, but this was (and still is in ways) a tough ride.
Hugs to you and your S!
xoxo
Hey there!
How was lunch?
I don't know if it's better to have Mrs. XH go unmentioned, or to have her thrown in your face. I guess neither is that good. Why can't they just say alone forever, like they deserve?!
N
Hey lissie, always and nic,
Thanks for checking in and checking up...
Lunch date was nice. IF you ask me, it is hard to go too far wrong eating outside on a deck overlooking the ocean. I'm not so hard to please!!!
S15 was gone with XH and spouse for the weekend. He's back now. I miss him when he is gone. Glad he's back.
Hey lissie, we are going to have another sad first pretty soon, first birthday divorced. That will be almost all of the sad firsts for me. My family usually makes a big deal of bdays. It will be interesting to see if XH reminds S to get something for me. I don't mean that to sound as venal as it does...I really am just curious to see now that Mrs. XH is in the pic, how it will play.
Gonna try to get a little work done before Sunday is totally gone.
Hope all our survivors had a happy weekend.
Hey lissie, we are going to have another sad first pretty soon, first birthday divorced.
well, great. I didn't even think of it that way, until you just reminded me
Mine is in 2 weeks, but I am going to party with the girls, sooo I am not sweating it.
I don't expect him to get my anything, soo I am good with that.
Sorry sweetie, but after this first D'd bday, then I hope the sadness of these dates, seem less and less.
Glad the date was soo nice. Sounds wonderful.
HUGS sweets.
Hope you had a wonderful birthday, AH!
And, always, hope you're doing wonderfully!
All my love!
thanks always. S15 and I have actually a very low key, fun weekend. Did some very "floridaish" things yesterday. Off to the bookstore in a bit.
I'm a little bit proud of myself. Got home from work Friday night with no firm plans. S and i had both been sick during the week. So...I realized if I didn't make a plan, I'd probably roll into self-pity, specially with yesterday being the wedding anniversary. I found some fun, inexpensive, local-color things to do and see and we ending up having a lot of fun.
Okay, he's yacking in my ear so I guess we're heading out now.
Thanks again always. I hope you're okay...this is a rough time still, I think.
So glad you too charge to turn around the anniversary to mean new and good things for you and S15. That's how to do it - start making new memories and meanings. I'm so glad for you. One step at a time.
Life is very good. Just hectic with moving in the next few weeks. Though it's really what I want, it's got some stressors with new work style/situation, place, etc. Also, the unexpected emotional "heaviness" that is so latent but there. A lot happened here for me, and saying goodbye to it all is good, but still emotional.
I still see xh here and there, and am so thankful to say that there is nothing. No love, no hate. Just indifference. And, major gratitude not to be with him anymore and attached to his life now. The drama in his life doesn't even shock me.....he's still pretending to have found religion (Mormon), yet still has his Single Guy Party Life, blames a lot of life on work and the D, and is still going through women like new shoes. Add to that the news that he's getting lazy at work with some really important paperwork that is piling onto legal issues.
So thankful it's nothing I worry about or live through. I'm thankful that I live a life that is not pulled in 20 different directions and is not integrated. As for you, it's not hurtful to hear these things, or my attempt to still cling to the situation and not move forward. Rather, when I do hear it, it's a nice push to keep going, that this is way beyond me, and nothing I want in life.
Sorry for rambling. Thank you for caring.
Love to you!
Happy belated birthday sweetness.
I am glad that you and your Son had a great time.
That dreaded wedding anniversary, bleh. It came and went and you are still here, as wonderful as ever.
Miss you.
Glad you are doing your florida-ish things.
always & lissie: smooches and thanks for dropping by.
...now don't get any ideas, you sex-starved survivors, it isn't anything THAT exciting. Sigh
This morning S and I walked to the beach at 2 AM to watch the shuttle go off. It was gorgeous...the sky lit up like a stretched out shot from a roman candle. Clouds were low, so we couldn't follow it for too long, but it was really pretty, and S's first ever night launch.
However, goofball me couldn't go to sleep, so now I'm dead on my feet. Having trouble doing real work, so I'm doing a little catching up here for the first time in months.
G'day all, and hugs.
Hi AH!
This morning S and I walked to the beach at 2 AM to watch the shuttle go off. It was gorgeous...the sky lit up like a stretched out shot from a roman candle. Clouds were low, so we couldn't follow it for too long, but it was really pretty, and S's first ever night launch.
Ooooohhhhhhh - I am soooooo jealous!!!!! Night launches are incredible! I have always wanted to see one but am wary of planning a trip b/c the launches get bumped so often - especially these days.
take care,
AG
AG,
Ooooohhhhhhh - I am soooooo jealous!!!!! Night launches are incredible! I have always wanted to see one but am wary of planning a trip b/c the launches get bumped so often - especially these days.
take care,
AG
Too true about them getting bumped...the first time I saw one, a few summers ago now, we walked over three nights in a row only to have it actually take off the third night, when we decided NOT to wake up the kids. Oh Well, it is an advantage of living close, S15 will get to see his share eventually.
You're welcome to plan a trip and bunk with me and S15, if you can handle barely controlled chaos!
Thanks for visiting.
Musing about crushes...
Someone posted to nic that it is fun to have a crush, and I so agree, and am enjoying one right now so I thought to muse a bit. Two or three friendly observers have been pushing me to ask this guy for coffee, they claim he "has his eyes on me." But you know, it so fun to just enjoy the possibilities. Plus, no risk...I may not be quite ready for disappointment yet after the joys of MLC and a D.
Anyway, my thoughts, such as they are.
I'm still pooped from having not slept night before last. Getting a little older beats the alternative, but bouncing back is much slower than it used to be.
Cheers all.
{{{AH}}}
Would it be too shallow of me to say "I'm glad you didn't get much sleep so you can catch up"???
Thank you so much for giving me a different perspective. It's much appreciated. I confuse the hell out of myself lately and this has really been trying.
A crushee??? Hmmm..... :)Good for You!! I see that you may be a crushette too!! hehehe.. It's nice to fantasize and keep it to yourself for awhile. The need to rush things and hurry up get it over feeling seems to be gone. If one thing we learned it was patience!!
Ok so now I'm jelous! You can actually walk to the beach. You actually walked to the beach and watched the lift-off?!?!?! How wonderfully spectacular was that! I've always wanted to tour the Space Center.
I suspect this summer our school is going to be low on summer campers...economy is kickin ass here. Most parents are finding a way to keep their kids home. It's bad for business but good for my summer social life
I actually suggested to my boss that myself and Elaine split weeks HE actually AGREED!! OMG!! I can work one full 50 hour week she does the other. It will not effect my pay much as I only work 60 hours every two weeks....but I'll have 9 straight days in a row!! To hang out on a hammock in your yard next to the beach
Be prepared.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hi AH,
I'm actually not enjoying this crush so much b/c it's been going on for a few months - I'm ready for a kiss now! (at least, lol)
N
[quote=Jeanette1120Ok so now I'm jelous! You can actually walk to the beach. You actually walked to the beach and watched the lift-off?!?!?! How wonderfully spectacular was that! I've always wanted to tour the Space Center.
[/quote]
Well just drive on up next time a launch is scheduled, sparkly one.
Yes, I have to remind myself on bad days that I live one block from the beach, how bad can it really be. The house is falling apart and the yard/jungle/sand box is embarassing, but what the hey, we can still walk to see the shuttles take off.
Nic, I hear you about the long-term crusshes. Enough is enough, I can see, in your case. But mine is still fairly newish, and it is just sorta fun to feel the potential for sparks.
Thanks for visiting ladies.
Well, I am still crazy in many ways.
But today particularly I am down about the loss of XH as a always-there sounding board for parenting discussions. With S15's disabilities issues, I often second-guess myself, and I worry if sometimes my short-term decisions for him aren't the best for his long-term situation...I would so like to just be able to call XH whenever I want to talk about it AND, more importantly, to feel like XH participated in a meaningful way.
How does everybody else handle this? Do you just find another sounding board? I ask other Moms sometimes, but sometimes I feel like XH's input could be especially good because he also has dyslexia. Waahhh...I think I just need to moan and groan a little bit.
We are having a gray day here--they are not allowed. Afternoon showers (or storms, or full-blown hurricanes), yes, but gray days are not acceptable in Florida.
I have been very, very down. In the "I can't get off the couch" mode. I am very behind in my grading, and only yesterday started to get a little caught up. I take my meds, but I suppose I need to get back to an IC. Another thing about moving, having to develop all these new relationships...
Waaaaaaahhhhhhh, I really am whining, but I think I'm about finished for now. Hope everyone's day is off to an interesting start.
Hi AH,
I know what you mean about missing the imput from your spouse, but is he really even capable at this time? This was a tuff one for me, but eventually you get used to it and just do what you think is best for your child. When something is wrong or a big decision has to be made it's only natural to want to discuss it with the 1 other person in this world who should care as much as you do, but I've had to pound into my head that right now that person is gone. They never would have put their families in this position if there wasn't something terribly out of whack!
Good luck..........
Love,
Bethie
Bethie,
but eventually you get used to it and just do what you think is best for your child. When something is wrong or a big decision has to be made it's only natural to want to discuss it with the 1 other person in this world who should care as much as you do,
Thanks for putting it so well, and for understanding. I think I just needed to see what you said, in black & white...that my wish for input is natural, but XH is just not that guy anymore, and I have to do my best without him.
Thanks again, and Hugs,
AH
((AH))
I don't know about you, but for me, having a lot of grading really is bad for my mood. It's stressful and can seem overwhelming to look at that pile of papers to be corrected. I am very busy w/ my marking right now, too, and all I want to do is sleep all the time!
My IC really does help me; do you have one in your new area?
As for my ex and the kids, I never really felt like he was much help, so I generally turn to friends or books for advice. However, he is (strangely) more involved now than when we lived together, so I will run things by him, generally via email. Why do you feel like you can't discuss things with him? If you think that it would be too hard by phone, then do it in writing. He is still your son's father, and if he can help you in raising him, it's his responsibility. And, from what you've said about him, I think it would be his pleasure to do so.
I hope your day gets better. I have 40 papers to grade for tomorrow, ACK!
Nicola
Hey nic,
((AH))
I don't know about you, but for me, having a lot of grading really is bad for my mood. It's stressful and can seem overwhelming to look at that pile of papers to be corrected. I am very busy w/ my marking right now, too, and all I want to do is sleep all the time!
Boy, can I relate to that! You hit the nail on the head, I look at the piles, and mentally calculate how many hours, and just want to get back in bed!
I don't know what troubles me about talking with him or emailing him...I think it is that his input "feels" kind of superficial, and like he is humoring me, more than really digging down, thinking through it, and giving options and opinions. And maybe I'm totally misinterpreting his response...
But what I'd like is for someone to provide an independent point of view, rather than just pat me on the head and say what I'm suggesting is a good idea. Does that make any sense, or am I getting crazier!
Anyway, nic, thanks for visiting and commiserating (Sp!) Good luck on your grading...ACK is right!
Hugs,
AH
Don't know what grade level you teach but can you use TAs? They are life savers for me!!! I use the upperclassmen to grade the 9th grade papers and worksheets so I can save their writing (ugh...120 book reports tomorrow) for me to do.
fig, I have a TA, and I use the crap out of him when I teach undergrads, but the graduate courses are entirely essay exams, and projects. The TAs themselves are only masters students, and often haven't even taken the courses, so they can't grade essay exams.
I used to be one of those snobs who looked down on professors who gave multiple-choice exams to graduate students. But, as our graduate level classes get larger and larger, I am starting to reconsider my snobbiness! Welcome to Florida, where higher education is just like assembly line production, and "efficiency" is the only performance measure that is recognized. But I'd best not go there, the political undertones might get me in trouble.
Fig, though, you've really pushed me where I needed to go...which is to think about getting more creative in my testing, without giving up substance. I am teaching a summer course to 2nd year master's students that is supposed to be a "seminar" and has a potential enrollment of 75. Hah! I will not be grading 150, 15-page essay exams and 25 group projects in an 8 week term, I can guarantee you.
Well, guess I needed to work that out in my head. Thanks fig, for the shove.
AH,
You know nic made a valid point. We most likely did make most of the day to day decisions for our kids simply by virtue of being the parent that was around. It's the fact that not only do we not have the luxury of knowing we have someone else to fall back on and rely on, but we also can't wrap our brain around the fact our spouse is pulling himself out of the game. That was a shocker for me. I couldn't stand for a day to go by where I couldn't just pick up the phone and talk to my kids. They've chosen to miss out on their children's lives and I will never understand.
I am into year 5 1/2 since separation. It is only now (after so much damage has been done) that my ex realizes that his relationship with his children is superficial at best. My daughter went on spring break and he had no idea. He had called her the week before but he only gets answers to what he asks, not a thing more. He is the one who told me this not her. My point is that possibly down the road he will understand what he's missed and maybe he will want to be more involved but for now he's probably not going to be of much help to you.
You sound strong. You'll be just fine!
Love,
Bethie
{{{AH}}}
Thank you!
I just want to say.....I was totally blown away last night. My my my but you do not speak like you used to
Good for you my dear...good for you. You truly sound like a differnt woman!
Now, I was going to send you a link where you can get your "speedpass" renewed
BUT
I liked this one better
http://www.sunshinerivertours.com/I think I shall come back as a Manatee
Hugs!!!!
Jeanette
{{{AH}}}
Thank you!
I just want to say.....I was totally blown away last night. My my my but you do not speak like you used to
Good for you my dear...good for you. You truly sound like a differnt woman!
You are too funny. I always spoke that way, but not when I first "meet" somebody!
I think returning as a manatee has great appeal, although returning as a dog could be nice too.
You sound better, I'm glad.
Hugs,
Hi AH,
Hope your week is going well so far. What do you have left of the school year....6-8 weeks? I knew I should have been a teacher.....drat!
Love,
Bethie
Bethie,
Hope your week is going well so far. What do you have left of the school year....6-8 weeks? I knew I should have been a teacher.....drat!
LOL, it does have its good points. Except for the part about not getting paid in the summer, so I'm teaching an 8 week summer course, 2 nights/week, 3 hours per meeting. It sounds easy but it plays hard! The students typically are working full time and trying to do a double-time course...I really have to sell the old "you are getting the same credit, so you have to do the same work."
Still, as jobs go, it is a good one.
Thanks for checking in.
AH
Goodmorning!!
We do "Summer School" also! Not so much for our students but for public school. It's amazing how many kids fail due to the FCATS, seeing school as a "Social Event" or "Lack of Interest".
4 subjects in 8 weeks. It's grueling!! We do 3 hurs a day 5 days a week. Massive in class work, ginormous amounts of home work.
I would fee a tad sorry for the kids, but.....I feel sorrier for the parents who have to pay such a high price to get their kids who've sluffed of the school year to pass into the next grade. Not too mention the teacher who has to spend 8 weeks with whining teenagers who are missing summer
Have fun!!!
I am teaching an upward bound class this summer
I'm even sort oflooking forward to it!!!
I have my paychecks stretched so I get paidover the summer...kindof makes it hard to go back to school in the fall when I feel like I have been paid to be me all summer!!!
I got my teaching liccense and masters word done inone of those excelerated programs
I don't remember much because I think I never slept
2 kids
1 full-timejob (ed assistant for level 5 EBD teenagers)
1 part-time job (waitressing)
and an excelerated masters program!!!!
I can't wait to pull that one on my kids when they are complaining abou tthe amount of stuff they have to do!!!
kinda like when our grandparents had to walk a mile, uphill, barefoot, in the snow, with a broken leg...but always made it to school on time
AH & fig,
It's kinda cool that you get the opportunity to switch up jobs and get a change of pace. See, so many good reasons to be a teacher besides the vacations.
I have only 6 weeks left - but so much to do before then!!
I also get paid over the whole year, so I take my summer off. I did teach a summer course one year to make up a full-time load, but it's every day for four hours for four weeks; every day is like a week. It's SO MUCH MARKING - but no one I know actually asks the students to do as much, b/c it would be too hard to mark it all!
N
I got my teaching liccense and masters word done inone of those excelerated programs
I don't remember much because I think I never slept
2 kids
1 full-timejob (ed assistant for level 5 EBD teenagers)
1 part-time job (waitressing)
and an excelerated masters program!!!!
I can't wait to pull that one on my kids when they are complaining abou tthe amount of stuff they have to do!!!
LOL fig, they will have to go some to beat that.
Many of my students are like you were. I remember thinking how I couldn't do it,being a single parent and working, plus going to school. I still admire them, they have every minute of every day scheduled, and then some.
I I did teach a summer course one year to make up a full-time load, but it's every day for four hours for four weeks; every day is like a week. It's SO MUCH MARKING - but no one I know actually asks the students to do as much, b/c it would be too hard to mark it all!
N
Ugh, I did this twice in the last 20 years--both time I swore I would never do it again. So far I've avoided it, the constant grading, prepping, performing is unbelievable.
I do notice that we tend to get better students in the shorter summer courses, I think they know how intense it is going to be. That makes it rewarding, but still different. NO time for them to reflect on anything. Okay I'm getting nerdy so I'll stop now.
XH and Nasty took S15 to see Spamalot. I'm glad he got to go, of course, but I've been wanting to see it with him for a couple of years now. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
He was cute telling me about it. He said Mom I've got bad news and good news. The bad news is we went to see Spamalot. The good news is I liked it so much I would definitely go see it again with you.
He's a cutie.
Okay. Whine over for now.
((( ah )))
what a cutie is S15??!!
Hope you're feeling better - though with that mountain of work, good luck!
((( ah )))
what a cutie is S15??!!
Hope you're feeling better - though with that mountain of work, good luck!
He's a good kid, I'm lucky.
I'm up and down. How are you doing???
Aw, he's so sweet! Too bad he's not 20 years older...
Thanks nic.
S15 is going to a black tie charity event tonight with XH and Nasty New Mrs. XH. For some reason it is hitting me very hard and making me very, very sad. XH and I used to get many compliments when we were in black tie.
Also, I hate it that S15 is being paraded around when them and people who don't know will think she is his mother. Oh, this is not a good feeling.
(((((((((((AH))))))))))
If somebody asked your S, if mrs Nasty was his mom, he would sure say HELL NO loud and clear beautiful.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Luv ya
How adorable - S15 in black tie! Is this is first event?
(((( AH ))))
Sweetie, I'm so sorry about all of this. It still hurts. How can it not. Don't beat yourself up about it. Identify what it is that hurts, and then you move through it, the best you can.
You are NOT being replaced as his mother, certainly not in his heart. Look at all you do for him, in school, in life. You said that H was not very participatory in his schooling and struggles. How can 1 event replace any of that? It won't.
Mrs XH. Well, she can have your XH.
Keep remembering the man he has become now. Evasive, unemotional, and moving though life like he's coated in Teflon. That's not the man for you. It may be right for Ms. Nasty XH, and if it is, then good for them.
I found that these feelings of being left out and replaced came from feeling/perceiving that somehow xh's (then) life was fantastic and on course to what we had dreamed...that he was the same great guy I met, only to someone else.
It took a LONG time, but I finally got it through my head that he was TOTALLY a different person (OK, seriously whacked out person), and any great life he was leading was not something I could ever want. Not with him.
My love to you. It still hurts and I hate that. It's natural to feel these things - though I wish the pain would stop soon. It will.
I wish you an easing of pain this weekend.....
If somebody asked your S, if mrs Nasty was his mom, he would sure say HELL NO loud and clear beautiful.
Lissie you read my mind on this one. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "S, don't let them introduce you as 'their' son." I didn't say it, but it was just choking me not to. I think I upset him anyway though, 'cause I had to get off the phone quickly.
Well tomorrow is another day.
Thanks for the hopeful thought!
AH
You are NOT being replaced as his mother, certainly not in his heart. Look at all you do for him, in school, in life. You said that H was not very participatory in his schooling and struggles. How can 1 event replace any of that? It won't.
This seems crazy, but I don't even want strangers to think she is his mom. How weird is that. I just don't like the idea that he might appear to be "theirs." And of course he will. Bleh.
I found that these feelings of being left out and replaced came from feeling/perceiving that somehow xh's (then) life was fantastic and on course to what we had dreamed...that he was the same great guy I met, only to someone else.
It took a LONG time, but I finally got it through my head that he was TOTALLY a different person (OK, seriously whacked out person), and any great life he was leading was not something I could ever want. Not with him.
This is very perceptive of you...I do think exactly that. But the guy I married would have not moved on a son. Period. A wife maybe, but a son, never.
Thanks always, for the caring and the insight.
Hugs,
AH
You are NOT being replaced as his mother, certainly not in his heart. Look at all you do for him, in school, in life. You said that H was not very participatory in his schooling and struggles. How can 1 event replace any of that? It won't.
This seems crazy, but I don't even want strangers to think she is his mom. How weird is that. I just don't like the idea that he might appear to be "theirs." And of course he will. Bleh.
I found that these feelings of being left out and replaced came from feeling/perceiving that somehow xh's (then) life was fantastic and on course to what we had dreamed...that he was the same great guy I met, only to someone else.
It took a LONG time, but I finally got it through my head that he was TOTALLY a different person (OK, seriously whacked out person), and any great life he was leading was not something I could ever want. Not with him.
This is very perceptive of you...I do think exactly that. But the guy I married would have not moved on a son. Period. A wife maybe, but a son, never.
Thanks always, for the caring and the insight.
Hugs,
AH
I'm going to journal my observations about XH just for a minute for I can see them in black & white.
He has restructured his life so he is regularly out of town, and very active weeknights as well. Much of it is work-related, but optional in a very real sense; not necessary for the job he has but for the big one he is seeking.
As someone with my own career, I was always pretty adamant about him not being gone all the time during the day, AND the nights, AND the weekends when we had a young child that we went to some great lengths to adopt.
I see now that whoever he may have been then and whatever he may have felt, now he is a living a life that is not conducive to raising a kid without substantial compromise and effort from the other parent (i.e., me).
As he was leaving today, I said something about S15's next scheduled weekend with me. It is one that accomodates Xh's out of town schedule. I mentioned a conference that I would have liked to attend, but softened it by saying I was too behind and probably best that I not have tried to go. XH responds by saying he understands, he is very busy too. I wanted to barf, he is not a single parent, he doesn't know from busy. But he does, of course, but his busyness is self created.
Okay. I needed to get that out. I know that it is the "wrong" focus, focusing on him, not me. But I still need to remind myself that right now that I couldn't enjoy living with him, we'd be at odds too much over the way he is wanting to spend his time and his life.
One of the many great things I learned about myself on this board how strong "quality time" is a love language to me. I am glad to know that about myself for future Rs.
Okay. End of ramble. S15 is home and I'm glad of that. I am truly way behind, but that can be remedied one small step at a time.
((( ah )))
Glad you're doing better and that S is home.
I understand much of what you're saying, and see it all over the boards, as well. I guess it's part of MLC for most....hitting that period of being completely self-absorbed. And, I can imagine, that stage combined with a sudden lack of parental responsibility on a daily basis, pushes it harder.
Ostensibly, the busy schedule is "working hard" and being "career-minded". That leads to their misperception that somehow the dream of vaulting in one's career was stunted by marriage to us. That hurts, because it's not true.
If it were true, then they would just push the marriage aside, but not relinquish their parental duties. They would find a way to rise in career and life, while still being a great and engaged father.
I remember hearing my xh say "well, now I can throw myself into work, bc I'm not with an unsupportive spouse." Instead of saying "I am not capable of having a family life and work, because I am not mature enough to find balance in life that still allows me to be successful on every level."
This is what I hate. I fear that there is some growing, pervasive notion in America that having a successful career is mutually exclusive of a happy and full family life. That is the most false notion I can think of. There are plenty of great examples of great couples who are both engaged in work and great careers and still make a committment to a strong family unit. Not every successful man is divorced and single. I know that you were just as supportive as I was for my xh's career. Drawing boundaries for wanting more time is natural, and normal, to making a family thrive. It's unfair to assume that is what broke your M. Rather, it is what was your xh's inability - to be "there" on multiple levels.
xoxo
(((always))),
Thank you for this kind post.
I remember hearing my xh say "well, now I can throw myself into work, bc I'm not with an unsupportive spouse." Instead of saying "I am not capable of having a family life and work, because I am not mature enough to find balance in life that still allows me to be successful on every level."
Wow, did your X really say that to you? Mine came close, but not quite, it was just too far from the truth for even him to stretch it. He may have said it to others, probably he did, but not to me.
He did once though complain that I didn't set up a golf date for us with a couple that I didn't even know! I should have known then what was coming, since that is the kind of thing Nasty New Mrs. XH gets paid to do. But I wasn't quite that cynical yet.
This is what I hate. I fear that there is some growing, pervasive notion in America that having a successful career is mutually exclusive of a happy and full family life. That is the most false notion I can think of. There are plenty of great examples of great couples who are both engaged in work and great careers and still make a committment to a strong family unit. Not every successful man is divorced and single. I know that you were just as supportive as I was for my xh's career.
xoxo
Amen, sistah. You said it all, IMO. Not only is it a dreadful myth that a person can't have both, but that if one has to choose, the career success is more important because it has measurable economic value. We are a strange country though, where people brag about working 60 and 70 hours per week, then they talk about family values in the same breath! But I digress...
Thanks again always, I always enjoy your thoughtful posts.
Hugs,
AH
S15 received his evaluation from his community service supervisor--she rated him outstanding and wrote "This kid is terrific."
S15 struggles so much with the learning disabilities, I just love it when he gets big-time positive feedback. Oddly, this is one of those times that I get very nostalgic for XH...wanting to share this with him right away, and exchange that proud look that parents have. Oh well, it is okay to feel that way and know it isn't my reality today.
Gotta go, busy day, just wanted to get that on "paper".
Oh Sweetie,
I know just how you feel. It's sad isn't it? Sometimes I just sit back and wonder where the heck did this wonderful Father go? Unfortunately, until they work there way through this self-centered stage they're in, this is what we've got. It's very hard though not want to reach for that phone because you're bursting with pride.
Come here, brag to us, we all know where you're at and how you feel!
Love,
Bethie
Congrats to your S. I know how you feel about wanting to tell your X. HUGS.
I am so proud of you, you are a wonderful mom, and teacher to him.
Look far he has come.
Have a great day.
AH-
Hi! I haven't been around for awhile, but wanted to stop in and look you up. I've been catching up with you - great news on your son.
Hope you are having a wonderful day!
DBH
DBH,
It is good to hear from you. I hope you are starting a thread somewhere so we can catch up with you.
Venting:
This was S15's weekend with his dad and nasty new mrs. XH. His dad picks him up from school on Friday. S wanted to do an hour of community service right after school, but couldn't do that as XH had a work-related function he wanted to get back to. Last night, S calls me, his dad and new mrs. have gone out somewhere and S has gone to the movie with his former child care provider(saint!) and her fiance.
Is it wrong of me to think that the weekend should be focused around S a little more, since his dad sees him 6-8 days/month?
This is one of those times that I'm pretty sure I know the answer... I need to learn to be peaceful, rather than right!!!
I'm flunking that right now, but willing to keep trying.
While I'm venting, I learned this week from S that OW"s dad passed away shortly before she and XH decided to marry. Reminds me of that post on infidelity from psych today. Is XH taking care of new Mrs. in her time of need so he can feel good--he wrote the book on substituting caretaking for intimate connection. Bleh, I don't like myself when I am so cold about someone else's loss.
I've actually had a fairly productive weekend but still need to make myself get out more, and let go of this part of my life that is OVER.
((AH))
I sometimes have a hard time letting go, too. STBX has been saying "we" lately, refering to himself and gf, as in "WE'll pick up the kids..." and gf picked them up on Friday b/c he was busy. *sigh* Things like that still hurt me, even though I know it's over and I DO NOT want him back. I guess I keep thinking he's changed and turned into this totally caring, loving, thoughful guy...is that what you do, too?
N
[quote=princess_nic I guess I keep thinking he's changed and turned into this totally caring, loving, thoughful guy...is that what you do, too?
[/quote]
Yes, in a way. I expect him to focus on S when S is with him...after all, most of the time XH chooses the weekends he wants to have S, I hardly ever have a conflict, so why the heck can't he schedule his oh so important social life on the other weekends???
Bleh. I am just living in la la land myself if I think the two of them are going to put someone else first, at least for awhile.
Thanks for visiting nic. I saw about gf picking up your kids, I thought you handled it really well.
I know, AH. My kids' dad does the same thing. And then he said he wanted to have the kids more, but he wouldn't fight me on it!! Good thing, cuz no way is that happening.
What's helped me is that instead of having "no expectations" - which btw I don't even think is possible - I have "low expectations." I expect him to the selfish and self-centered, and if he's not, it's a bonus. I'm serious - this has really helped me.
Nic
What's helped me is that instead of having "no expectations" - which btw I don't even think is possible - I have "low expectations." I expect him to the selfish and self-centered, and if he's not, it's a bonus. I'm serious - this has really helped me.
Nic
Did you ever expect it would come to this...that you would expect the man you married to be selfish and self-centered? Lord knows I didn't. That said, I can see that you are right, that my only hope for ME is to have low expectations for him and as you say, good behavior will just be a bonus.
Thanks nic. We are in very similar places right now and it helps to work the feelings out with someone else.
Hope your week is off to a good start.
WEll, one of my friends at work today said to me, AH don't be too hard on yourself, recovery from D isn't linear. And I guess I really needed to hear that, cause I'm having just a bit of a setback.
XH and new Mrs. have gone to interview for a big job. If X gets it I assume he'll accept. IT is about a 4-5 hour drive away from where S15 and I live, with no good airport connections. So S15's time with his dad would be cut drastically. Plus, the new job is the kind that requires lots of night and weekend events, so even if S15 went to see them, I'm not sure how much quality time he'd get on a given weekend.
So I have mixed emotions, of course. On the one hand I would love to be able to walk into work and NOT to wonder if I'm going to run into either of them around a corner. On the other hand, well, S15 needs to be around his dad.
Bleh. What I really need is a little more detachment so I don't spin out every time this happens, 'cause XH is on the job market and he is going to keep searching till he gets the one he wants. So I need to get a little calmer about it.
And a question...does anyone else have an awkward transition period when the kid(s) return from a weekend with X? I am finding that I feel odd at first. Some of it is just a little bit of feeling like I'm in a parenting competition. The rest of it is just being pissed that S15 spends time with OW.
That's all for the venting.
My mom was here for a week. I think she had a good time, which was the whole point. The mechanics of airports are getting increasingly difficult for her, but she is fine once she gets settled at her destination. So I had to book her for a week to get direct flights in the right days. She is a fairly easy guest, but a week of company is a bit long. So now life is a little bit back to normal.
It's time to plan vacation. I love the planning. Was thinking about Costa Rica, but S15 doesn't seem interested, and I'm not sure I want to go from Hot Florida to hot somewhere else in July.
Canada? Alaska? Northern Europe? IT is fun to dream.
Cheers to all.
Hi AH,
Oh boy, I can really see both sides that you're struggling with. So many of us seem to care more about our ex's R with their kids more than they themeselves do. Why is that? I guess b/c we are not totally self-centered. It will all work out, anyway, in the end.
I am okay with the transition, although I sometimes feel like I don't do enough fun stuff. Although not recently: now that stbx is fully ensconced in his new R, he is not doing so much fun stuff anymore.
If you come up my way, I'd love to meet you!
Lots of love,
Nicola
Thanks Nic, for dropping by and for the support.
I would love to meet you too. I've forgotten where you are...Is it Alberta? I was looking last night at some River Cruises in Canada, some of them looking fascinating.
Okay, to work.
Hi AH,
I do think that if you had some distance between your ex and new wife, that you would be surprised by the peace that it would bring. Working for the same company..whew..that would be hard.
I guess as far as your sons relationship with his Dad goes, he'll just have to tweek out something that works for him. I like what nic said about how we care more about their relationship. Fruitless but true! Besides, your ex sounds as if HE is his priority, not his son. It's sad but no matter how much you wish for it, their relationship is out of your hands. I'm in the same boat, so I have to be a hands on Mom and I can't afford to drop the ball. I remember reading a long long time ago that all any child really needs is 1 strong parent, and though not the ideal, I do believe that's true.
Have a great day!
Love,
Bethie
Hi Bethie, thanks for dropping in.
You are SO right about it not being peaceful to work in at the same place in the same building. Maybe I'm being stubborn (naw!) but I am tenured, and I like working there, so I've resisted looking elsewhere. There are really no other equivalent unis within driving distance, and only two others period that I would consider. So I am for the moment stuck with it.
And right again about XH only thinking about himself right now--which is why I still believe it is MLC. XH loved/loves S, but not enough to deal with life difficulties. It helps me to see this selfishness as running away, which I saw several times in our 21 year M. He is a denial/runner type, and he seems a little too frantic in this effort for it to be normal job progression.
I think on balance I do want them to go away. I am struggling to get back to previous performance levels in my job, and I finally feel like I want to get there. I know that I can't make XH make S15 a first priority, anymore than I could make him make our M a first priority. So I think I'm just going to enjoy the benefits to me of his running.
End of muse. Thanks again for posting Bethie, have a good day yourself.
Good Morning Sweet Peggy.
So what is up with all these guys? Getting new jobs and stuff.
Are they still moving, and searching, for that magic bullet, that is going to make them complete? Or is this what they really wanted all along?
Javier started his new job/career yesterday.
Well Let's wish them well.
As for the 5 hours away. The first thing that came to my mind was Oh you are so lucky.
Sigh.
Then ofcourse, the reality set in. Your beautiful son. You.
It will be hard if he takes the postition. I am sure that you and Althea, are going to help each other a great deal in this situation.
I am however, so relieved that you may not see him and her, at work anymore.
What an amazing exhale.
As for your son. Hmmm, well Camera thingy on the computer? You know this cyber parenting stuff.
Blech.
You could not pay me enough to be a cyber parent. Not being able to feel, smell, touch my beauties. I would not give it up for nothing in the world.
And neither would you. Sooo, this just means that you are going to be a full time single mom. Hard? yes. Doable? Absolutely.
I have all the faith in you, I am sure we all do.
So mourn what you have to mourn, shake off what you have to shake off.
Then start searching for the blessings of this situation.
I guarantee you, many will come from this.
We just don't see it all upfront, at first.
So curse him out, (totally the best part)
Curse her out (also another great stress reliever)
Then, Thank God for what He has done, b/c in the end He knows best.
One day at a time, and you will do this.
I am glad you were able to see your mami. Bless her heart for traveling, when it is hard for her.
My mom lives 5 minutes away, but I can't imagine living with her for a week.
Hope you are having great weather.
Enjoy it.
HUGS to you guys.
(((Lissie))),
Smooches to you and thanks for that sweet post.
I didn't know Javier was changing jobs too. I do think at least some of it is what the alcoholics call a geographic cure...they think if they change their surroundings they'll "feel" better. But guess what, they take the problem with them. XH has done this for years, but denies it, so not my problem.
Yes, I'm lucky to have my mom still around. She loves to come visit us--we all live in pretty interesting places. But she really can't do large airports anymore, and definitely has trouble with changing planes someplace awful like Atlanta or Dallas. So we try to get her direct flights into smaller places.
I know what you mean about being the parent with physical custody. I would get very, very nasty if XH tried to take S15 away. That doesn't sound very nice, I know, and I'm just as glad not to have to stoop that low. So as you said Lissie, things are actually working out as they are supposed to.
Deep breaths (!)
Take care and thanks again for posting.
Hi, AH! I've spent all morning catching up on your 2008! What a ride, huh? You know, I think if the X moves it will be so good for you, in so many ways! And honestly, maybe even for S. Frankly, if X is neglecting him while he still lives nearby, can it be any worse if he is long distance? At least in S's eyes, maybe the distance will be a better/less personal excuse, if that makes any sense.
My D was so much younger when her dad and I split, and I am so grateful to have a successful coparenting relationship with him. It just breaks my heart to hear others' stories, but I do hope that even though your son is older and H might be long distance soon that time will heal. Meanwhile, congrats to you on being such a great mom--and a great person all round!
Looking forward to more catching up with you!
fish
Hey AH -
Long time huh? I try to keep up with you tho and everyone else always has great thots so I figure I don't need to add my mumblin' to anyone's posts.
But as I read thru this a bit it just kinda hit me that maybe the job search has a bit more behind it than was stated here. It is quite possible that "they" feel uncomfortable in the situation as well..........and possibly...........doing you a service by leaving the area so you won't feel so bad. And it's possible that "she's" uncomfortable just as you are and would rather not run in to you anywhere either.
that being said, a lot of healing happens with distance. I know that's anti to what people say.........but it can happen - so if it does happen..........there can be some very good positive things to come out of it.
Chin up - it's an insane world out there!
you are and have been in my thots!
brue
Thanks Nic, for dropping by and for the support.
I would love to meet you too. I've forgotten where you are...Is it Alberta? I was looking last night at some River Cruises in Canada, some of them looking fascinating.
Okay, to work.
No - other coast! I'm in Montreal, home of the Canadiens, woo hoo!
Hey fish,
My D was so much younger when her dad and I split, and I am so grateful to have a successful coparenting relationship with him. It just breaks my heart to hear others' stories, but I do hope that even though your son is older and H might be long distance soon that time will heal.
I'm so glad you're back for a bit and posting.
I do think we've done well on on co-parenting, getting S back and forth with minimal nastiness. I guess in a way that's why I worry for S, it has been "okay" for him. But as you and other's have said, it may an okay longer distance son/dad relationship. Just not what I envisioned 15 years ago!
Keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Hey brue,
Thanks for chiming in I always like and value your perspective.
But as I read thru this a bit it just kinda hit me that maybe the job search has a bit more behind it than was stated here. It is quite possible that "they" feel uncomfortable in the situation as well..........and possibly...........doing you a service by leaving the area so you won't feel so bad. And it's possible that "she's" uncomfortable just as you are and would rather not run in to you anywhere either.
I feel sure you are right that this is part of it, especially her being uncomfortable...
OTOH, this level of job has been his ultimate ambition for 20 years, even before we married. It is not a job suited for a person with children at home, because there are social/business demands almost every night and many weekends, also much travel. but most people who've reached the level have grown kids...we just got a late start in the kid department.
I think he wants the job and probably one or both of them is uncomfortable as well.
So I am really trying to turn it over, brue, to only get just the tiniest bit bothered, and then move on with my life. If he gets the job, that is what is supposed to happen, if he doesn't, same deal...
Hope you are well brue, I think of you a lot. I still think we need to have an (loosely defined) over 50s get together!
Hugs.
WOW AH,
That's a very realistic view. I also think that whatever the outcome, that's the way it was meant to be.
Hope you're having a good evening!
Love,
Bethie
it may an okay longer distance son/dad relationship. Just not what I envisioned 15 years ago!
Hee hee....just made me think. My D turned 16 a couple of weeks ago...our parenting relationships are not what I envisioned 15 years ago either--in a million ways!