All things work together for good...1All things work together for good...2All things work together for good...3All things work together for good...4All things work together for good...5C2H...What are you thinkin'? All things...6- One year anniv. of X leaving All things work together for good...7 All things work together for good...8 All things work together for good...9 Summary:M 16.5
S 13, D 16 (live with mom); SS 25 (lives with me)
11/05 - X files D
7/06 - X moved out with kids (I offered X the house but she declined so I bought her out. Immediately OM in the picture continuously)
10/17/06 - D final 
5/07 - X Marries OM
The marriage was rocky for over 10 years. X had an affair with a different OM around 98/99. We separated for 6 months from 6/99 to 12/99 (I moved because of her hysterics and volatility) but got back together. After X moved this time, I attempted to "stand" for the marriage but since coming back to the board 8/06, I have slowly moved from vigorously standing, to remaining open to reconciliation to deciding that I would not reconcile (X getting married closed the door for good).
X and I have been Christians since before we started dating, X has asserted that God has given her permission to D and has paved her way to be with OM who is not a Christian.
My title comes from the Bible verse:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
I own my part in the demise of marriage but I believe my X had no grounds for marriage according to our professed faith and the teachings we held from the Bible. Yet, I still maintain that God will use this situation to work for His greater good.
Getting A Life The transition from being devastated at the realization that OM was not "Just a friend" to "Standing" to "Getting A Life" and finally deciding I will not take X back has been an extremely challenging journey but God has provided the people, resources total support that I have needed including the people in this forum. My life has become increasingly full, an amazing adventure with blessing after blessing after blessing.
THANK YOU!A huge "thank you" goes out to Michele for making this forum available for us DBers who tried and yet still wound up in this forum. An equally huge "thank you" goes out to the people in this forum who lend an ear, offer sage advice or a shoulder (or thread) to cry on. There have been plenty of very challenging times I have had to go through to this point and this forum and the people in it have helped immeasurably in bringing healing.
One Year Anniversary of the Divorce
One year ago today, my divorce was finalized. My how time flies when your world crashes but wait, did it really crash? I have been going through my posts and my journals from before she moved out to about the start of this year and it was amazing to remember those feelings, thoughts and experiences.
I actually feel that God protected me and gradually revealed things the things I needed to know and learn. He brought just the right people in my life at just the right time, people who knew just the right thing to say or advise. He provided me with opportunities serve Him and my experiences during this time frame are so rich, I feel like I lived a life time in just a little over one year. My life with my kids has been fantastic and we have experienced so many things together that assure them their dad loves them beyond measure.
Most of the post divorce goals I set early on have been achieved. I have maintained a cordial relationship with X and Mr. X. The kids have not been used as pawns nor were they forced to take sides with either of their parents. I have grown tremendously in my relationship/walk with my Lord. I have also worked towards overcoming the stumbling block of "forgiveness" and feel like I am at a good place in that regard (my last two threads chronicle this journey).
I have been on a couple of really short trips to Mexico with my church, a longer trip into the middle of Baja Mexico, a tour of Israel, a missions trip to Romania and I also squeezed in my 25th college reunion and a side trip to New York. On each of the missions trips God ministered to me in unbelievable ways that fill my journals with pages and pages of insight, revelation and comfort.
During the times of deepest pain, God has been faithful to minister to me in ways that show his promise that He "will never leave me nor forsake me" is written in stone. He has brought me a "band of brothers" in the church who, together, are lifting each other up, aspiring to serve God and to sustain each other in time of need.
As I move forward, I know I enter into a phase of life with choices and opportunities that can send my life in a variety of directions. It is a phase I am excited about because I have seen how my faithfulness to serve God and "Do the Right Thing" during the midst of the Separation/Divorce storm has been honored by the Lord.
Reconciliation????"Coincidentally," yesterday's DivorceCare email was the last one on the topic of Forgiveness and today’s is on Reconciliation. When I went through the program, all of us in the support group were surprised by the topic and thought of reconciliation but as we watched the DVD and did with workbook assignment, we understood what they meant. Since unresolved bitterness and anger lingered and resurfaced in the last month plus, I haven't thought too much about their version of reconciliation but I will address it.
Why Should You Consider Reconciliation? - Day 312
When you hear the word reconciliation, your initial response might be, "No way!" Even if you feel that way, you should at least consider the concept of reconciliation.
Reconciliation is when a relationship is restored to good terms after having come apart. This does not necessarily mean a restoration of marriage; it can mean a cordial friendship where both individuals show respect and kindness to the other.
"Listen to what we have to say and listen to what God has to say before you emotionally react to the thought of reconciliation," recommends Dr. Jim A. Talley. "There may be some things here that will be of benefit to you long-term in your emotional and spiritual stabilization.
"You have to ask yourself, in five years from now when you look back on what you've done, can you really stand there with three things: a pure heart, a clear conscience, and clean hands before God? You cannot do that without dealing in the realm of reconciliation."
Most of the "right" things to do in the divorce recovery process have to do with making good choices and not giving in to fickle emotions. This is your life, and you have a definite say in how well you adjust, stabilize, and recover. Seeking reconciliation will benefit you both emotionally and spiritually and will enable you to stand before God knowing that you chose His way.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10 NASB).
Without You, Jesus, it is impossible for me to have a pure heart and a clean conscience. Forgive me for my sins, and grant me wisdom as I consider the possibility of reconciliation. Amen.
"Reconciliation" with X? (DivorceCare style)
Wednesday morning, X called me regarding our daughter and during the conversation, I reminded her that it was the anniversary of the divorce being final. She did not say anything further.
Later in the morning, we had and email exchange about the kids schedules which then to the following exchanges:
... k thanks (her response, to the our other topic, the following is in reference to our divorce)
sorry, just sorry about everything...
X
X,
This is the kind of thing I planned on saying in person but here goes:
Over the last year, the Lord has shown me more and more of how I failed you as being the kind of Godly leader I should have been and I am sorry for that. He has also been healing me in the area of resentment and anger, especially in the last 3-4 weeks (I felt progress before and thought I was "done" but I wasn't). Again, I ask for your forgiveness for my part and for residue resentment that lingered any time over the last year- I am sorry and repentant (the turning in the opposite direction).
I am now able to sincerely pray for you and Mr. X and your own relationships with the Lord. I thought I could before but it wasn't from the heart but it is now and I truly desire a God centered relationship for both of you. I prayed for you before but I now know I was holding back because of resentment in hidden chambers in my heart.
As we each have gone before the Lord for whatever we felt we needed to, we know He faithful and just to forgive us (1 John 9) and we just have to leave it at His feet.
Even as I mentioned today is the "anniversary" let me share that I am at peace with where we are and feel like we have survived the most challenging part of such a change.
The Lord has been faithful to show me what I needed to see over the last year and He has ministered to me every step of the way- He has been so good to me. I also truly wish the same for you and Mr.X.
C2H
wasn't sure how to respond.
I know i have resentment -- anger -- bitterness -- daily i ask for forgiveness for me and healing of my heart which i KNOW only He can do.
Anyway... I just pray for healing for you.
I am at a very peaceful place, and the kids are doing well.. which is MOST important to me.
I am happy.. I choose to focus on healing and what lies ahead
May you find His Peace in His time.
X
X,
I think we are saying the same things. Healing, forgiving and releasing the past, focusing on the kids, wanting good things for the other.
I am happy to hear you have peace and are happy. I know that for too many years you suffered in the marriage, again I apologize for not leading the way that I now know God would have had me to lead. "Sorry" does not come close to how I have felt about that. (I have confessed this to the Lord, and to you and allow the Lord to heal me in my failure for Satan would rather I condemn myself the rest of my life and that is not biblical).
I am now at peace as well. I thought I was at peace before that but the Lord revealed to me that I wasn't and it has been the last 3-4 weeks that I have been really seeking the Lord to specifically dealing with lingering resentment.
I truly want the best for you and regularly pray for both you and Mr. X and your individual relationships with the Lord.
Thank you for your prayers, may you and Mr. X continue to draw closer and closer to the Lord all the days of your lives.
C2H
Thanks.. .
i only ask that you pray about putting the kids FIRST in all that you do.
Thanks..
X
To read my posts might give some the impression that I was an awful husband. The truth was my wife was so strong willed that it was "her way or the highway." She wanted me to lead her but when I did, she rebelled. When the marriage was in trouble and I sought to follow biblical principals through drawing us closer to the Lord, counseling, finding our solutions in the bible, she resisted. Nevertheless, it was my responsibility to stand firm on the foundation of the bible and bring her along side of me.
What resulted was years of a declining marriage and a lukewarm Christian walk on both our parts. It served neither of us any good as evidenced by her decisions to commit adultery twice and to divorce a husband desiring Christian reconciliation. I failed to draw her into a closer relationship with the Lord, as her leader and her protector.
It is true no one can MAKE another person follow but godly leadership, harnessed power with meekness, humility and prayer are the mandates that I, as the head of the household, needed to follow. All my pre and post divorce growth, meditation and service to the Lord have made these things clear to me. I have shared this admission with her, have confessed it to my Lord and my conscience is clear.
From today's communications, I think we both know that the other accepts responsibility for their past actions (at least I do). We both seem to desire to work towards what DivorceCare describes as a "reconciled" relationship and that
IS what is best for our children given that X is now married to Mr. X.
I believe I am now at peace with the situation. We will have differences but I am in a good emotional place to avoid linking these new situations to the divorce and stir up those emotions. Time will tell and I know I will be tested, more than likely sooner rather than later.A final thought:
i only ask that you pray about putting the kids FIRST in all that you do.
You did good!!!! And....I "do" sense that you've truly forgiven and want the best for X and MrX.
I read it as her talking the talk but really not getting it, reads as it still all about her.
C2H you get it and I guess you can find peace in that.
C2,
It would seem that her idea of putting the kids FIRST in your life is the only idea she will consider. She'll come to that realization only when she allows God to open her eyes.
There have been many things in my developing relationship with the Lord that I had a sudden understanding of where before the thought never occured to me that I might be wrong in how I viewed a matter. Hope that made sense....
It is your relationship with the Lord that continues to mature in a way that has positive effects on those around you.... I'm thankful that you share your journey. It inspires us to dig deeper and forge ahead in our own.
~lost
I ditto Jill!
You did awesome C2!
I think I am in awe of you at times because I've just decided to ignore the sit w/ my ex. Wish I could do what you do, but not sure if I can,,,right now.
Love your posts C2, they are a inspiration to me.
Thanks for the encouragement. On the run at the moment (no, not "from the law"
) Post more later, something very interesting is in the works, will know later today how it pans out.
K, truly, I am not amazing for I wanted to be bitter as any of us believe we have the right to be. Choosing to give up my rights to obey what I believe God tells me to do is the very least I can do for God sparing me from hell which I know I earned. I am indebted and yet, as I try to pay the debt back, God blesses me even more. This is truly not false humility, I am an idiot but God can use a willing idiot. <C2H raises his hand and says to the Lord, "use me">
C2H,
Best wishes on you Unnivorcery. You are in a good place and it is all because of your faith in our Lord.
You keep inspiring me.
I'll drink to that! (corse I'll drink to most anything)
Looking good C2, hang in there bud!
C2H,
Best wishes on you Unnivorcery. You are in a good place and it is all because of your faith in our Lord.
You keep inspiring me.
I thought it was I who inspired you!!!!
I have to agree here with Kev and ALL. Some people have a way of making us better just by their example and C2 you are definitely one of those people!
Love,
Bethie
I thought Wednesday's exchange pretty much covered what needed to be said but this Thursday morning I received the following email from X:
BTW.. not to rehash..
Some of my resentment comes from the you not being available for the kids, putting church stuff and your own thing(s) before them; your ability to pick them up and I have to work (I pray that will change soon).
I worry about you financially... During those times, I'm reminded to let Go and LET Him (God) do His work.
Not sure where your resentment is coming from. Perhaps something unconfessed to Him?? butt, that's between you and Him.
For the most part, I have tremendous peace.
I (we) strive to make sure the kids are content and happy.
May He continue to Lead and Guide you..
X
(I did not bother to respond)A brother from church was at my house when I opened this email. He is very familiar with my situation and so I read the email out loud and he was just as baffled as I was.
Again, I have made a major financial sacrifice to work from home so I CAN pick up my kids from school, take them to practice, games, be a taxi for my daughter or son and periodically take my son a special lunch.
It seems that X resents that I am making these sacrifices to be wih the kids but also feels that I am "not being available for the kids" or am putting my "own thing(s) before them."
I also suppose committing adultery, filing for divorce, separating kids from their father and getting remarried should not cause resenment.
Huh??When I read her email, I actually chuckled at her response and just saw it as a part of spiritual warfare. X is blinded but one day she will see and than will be sad for her as she answers to God for her actions.
Jill, I done good? Thanks that is what I have been striving for. I think I am in that forgiveness mode because when I read her email on Thursday, I was not really surprised and also just let it go.
MaMaMo- thanks for the post- It has ALWAYS been about her.
Lost, yep, putting the kids first is one thing for her and a higher standard for me. God will open her eyes one day. I also agree that sometimes understanding will come later, again, we will see.
I am also glad my journey ministers to you, God will use our pain to sustain another.
Dawg, thanks for the support I am trying.
ALL, we are both looking good; all we need is some lovely ladies to join us in our new lives. One day, one fine day.
Bethie, thanks for the compliment. You were one of the first to reach out to me when I came back to the boards and I am indebted to you for that.
Not sure where your resentment is coming from. Perhaps something unconfessed to Him??
Wow.
Yep, it's all about her. She was
totally justified to divorce you, etc of course, because you are a mere mortal. To acknowledge the source of your resentment is to admit to her own faults and sin.
She did
nothing wrong.
Plus, she's found her soul-mate (yea right) and is happy, so what's there to be resentful about. "C2H, find a woman. That's all you need to do. Wala, no more problem and no more resentment."
As you said, "New stupidity needs to be addressed separately.
"
Chuckling at it is the best way imaginable to address that particular little nugget.
Wow.
-db
DB,
Actually, the best way to address that little nugget of hers might be to go on another missions trip which I have been praying about. It may be the last one on I go on until maybe 2009. I won't know for a few days but even if God closes the door, He showed Himself to be mindful of my needs at the very moments I was humbly trying to reach out to my X.
I AM in a very good place right now and am at peace. If I were to die and face the Lord today, I would know that I tried to fully serve Him this past year and "do the right thing" concerning my X pre and post divorce.
Unreal C2, I always think when I read and hear things like this from the WA, mine included its def projection, finger pointing-- a form of justifying, she will have to prob justify what she did for a very long time.
YOU know you did nothing wrong C2, no one is perfect but, you did not have the affair and break apart the family. 'nuff said
Have a terrific weekend!
Karen,
Yeah projection and like Bethie's shrink friend, eventually they come around to reflect on what happened. We as the LBS just had to deal with it sooner.
I mentioned I took a class at my church Called the "Exemplary Husband." We went through a book that deals with an ideal Christian husband's role. Since it was ideal, every man in the class, married, single or divorced could see what the goal was and no one could say they fit met the lofty standards. However it gave all of us something to shoot for.
My admission to her was to simply let her know I accept my share of the responsibility yet I know we cannot make someone happy and we cannot make another person desire a relationship with God as we think they should, it is an individual relationship.
So, to admit fault and move on is healthy, I don't dwell and beat myself up. Still, she is in denial and pointing her finger at me keeps her from having to look at what she has really done. I am sad for her but happy with the life the Lord is giving me.
My admission to her was to simply let her know I accept my share of the responsibility yet I know we cannot make someone happy and we cannot make another person desire a relationship with God as we think they should, it is an individual relationship.
So, to admit fault and move on is healthy, I don't dwell and beat myself up. Still, she is in denial and pointing her finger at me keeps her from having to look at what she has really done. I am sad for her but happy with the life the Lord is giving me.
This is all so true and something that we can all idientify with. The problem is that she wants you to accept ALL of the responsibility. So much for her seemingly happy life, beautiful home and wonderful vacations, none of them have done it for her, have they? Now that we are healed it's all so easy to see and interpret.
Yup, someday she'll have to face what she's done, but it still seems she has quite a ways to go with you AND with God! Love,
Bethie
Hi C2H...
Sorry about the anniversary. My own 1 year anny is in November. I think your X is doing a LOT of "projection"...As drbty says above, it is all about her.
You seem to be a very committed dad from my POV...AND you seem to be doing all you possibly can be doing to move ahead emotionally and spiritually.
Let her comments run off your back like water.
They are just as insubstantial.
Take care,
sg
The problem is that she wants you to accept ALL of the responsibility.
Bethie, you nailed it on the head.
Just now my itunes is randomly playing songs and this a song
"Just love them like Jesus" by Casting Crowns started playing. I shared this before on the board and at that time, I tore me to pieces but I knew God was telling me how to pray for my X. Over the last month, culminating with the anniversary of the D, I believe I have arrived where I can do this. The lyrics:
The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart
You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you
Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
I pray or her and have compassion for her.
SG,
Good to see you!!! Thanks for the support and sympathy. Yes, sadness at the fact of experiencing an anniversary but joy for the life I am living and fora all the positive things I have learned an experienced in the last year.
One year for you coming up? Wow. As well as you have been adjusting, goal setting etc, I would have thought it was longer. Your Mr. "Right" (or, "Mr. Good Enough" lol
) is out there! We are busy GALing and striving for fulfillment and the other piece of the puzzle will surface when the timing is right. We shall see and then we'll post about it and our friends will rejoice with and for for us.
Hey C2
All is raggin on us Cali people over on Bethies thread,jealousy AGAIN no doubt!! I say we go over there and give him a bit of our sunshine right between the eyes!! what ya say?? you, me, SG,
maybe we can gather up a few more.
shhhhh , oh he won't hear us, the snow is prob coming down too loud there
Karen,
ALL is just stating facts, one day we will experience "The Big One," heck we may just become one huge Island, LOL! In the mean time, today I am just gonna enjoy the 89 degree weather and clear skies and immma goonna sip a virgin pina colada and work on my tan
Oh go ahead and rub it in why dont cha!
Just send me some sunshine already! All week it's been a dreary 60ish degrees here, cloudy, rainy, and the wind is a blowin.
Well I'll trade you the sunshine All for some of that rain and wind, I was all set for fall!!! Got the sweaters and jeans out, put away shorts and swimsuits, have a big pot roast to cook sunday instead of outside barbqueing AND then Mother Nature changes on me!!!
Buttt it is kinda nice, so move over C2 and pass me a virgin PC too . thanks
Hey C2H,
Ummmm yes, that is a rehash. Yes, that is exactly what that is.
But bottom line C2H, I think you were trying to ask her for forgiveness and she took your apology to mean you took responsibility for everything. That seemed to give her license to jump on the things she continues to disagree with. She may have been waiting for that moment to let you know that she's not too happy about things (it might be that she doesn't like the idea of working at the moment)andshe found a way to blame you.
One of the best things about you C2H is your ability to put the kids first. I think one of your first posts to me was about that subject exactly. That is what (I believe) you've focused on the most since this all happened to you. I don't get it. I'm sure you don't either, so you just have to laugh.
Some of my resentment comes from the you not being available for the kids, putting church stuff and your own thing(s) before them; your ability to pick them up and I have to work (I pray that will change soon).
This is my take C2H. How can someone say that you're not available, but you're able to pick them up in the same sentence? the "I have to work" part of that sentence is really what she's trying to say. It starts out with her talking about her resentment, then goes to you not being available, then you BEING available, and how she has to work. Geez, that's a real scary thought there.
I would guess that 99.9% of the people on this board worry most about the D's impact on their children and that is the most important thing to focus on. BUT after we get over the initial shock and awe of what happened, we try to do something for ourselves too. We can't live only for our children, we must also show them there are other components to our lives. It's our job to teach them how not to fall apart, when bad things happen. Church is a good one to show them. Church is where you find peace. That doesn't mean we lose sight of the kids.
I think she might be bipolar. Then again, I'm not a doctor.
Ignoring that is the best way to go C2H. You done good.
OH PHHHHH Happy......
You told me I was Bi-polar too!
All week it's been a dreary 60ish degrees here, cloudy, rainy, and the wind is a blowin.
ok ALL,
our foilage isn't really green because of the impure air. Also, I don't know what it is like to live on more than a 7,000 square foot lot. Oh, and traffic sucks!
<C2H passes Karen a drink and some sun tan lotion, contemplates catching the sunset at the beach tonight dressed in a T shirt, shorts and sandals>
Hey, if the Big One is going to destroy my state some day, I might as well enjoy life now, right?
Happy,
Excellent observations. A rehash it was. My admission of fault and lingering resentment, seeking her forgivenes could have opene the door to a much better relationship but her response was consistent with her behavior in the marriage. So, like you said, all I could do was laugh at what her responses were, that and have compassion for her.
I also didn't need to be specific about my resentment, although it should have been obvious, because it would only start a tit for tat escalating war where nothing good could have been achieved. The bi-polar thought has been raised before, she has taken meds over the years- it is what it is.
Ignoring that is the best way to go C2H.
Wonderful advice, something I know I will enjoy doing when appropriate. Ahh, one of the benefits of being her "X." Life is truly good.
You told me I was Bi-polar too!
No need to be jealous, you can be bi-polar too if you want. I'll still love both of you. (Bethie A, Bethie B and however many there are)
Thank you C2. This world would be a very cool world if there were more than 1 of me. (Or not!) I don't even think I'd be ready for that one!
Romania and other world focusedLast night I fellowshipped with my team members who went to Romania and at this moment I am playing Romanian praise music from a CD I bought over there. We watched some video I took and it brought back memories of serving and loving strangers in a strange land. Yet, the video I took of the church service I attended reminded me of the love we shared with people who also loved God but with whom we could hardly communicate- it didn't matter because as we sang to God, each in our own language, we were one body.
My devotion for today talks about "the cushion of the sea" a place in the ocean so deep that when storms rage above, the ocean below remains undisturbed. This is also analogous to being in the eye of the storm. This is the place of Peace that I found in my faith during the storm of my D. The bible refers to it as having "the peace that passes all understanding." Philipians 4:7
Tomorrow's devotion draws a picture of leaving a present dwelling, thinking it is fine, only to find that the new place one will be moving to is so superior, words cannot describe it. The price one pays today in that future investment pales incomparison to the benefits gained. Sadly my X is investing in the "now," focusing on her pleasure, her needs, her wants. I am so blessed to truly be thinking about life after I pass from this earth but it took getting kicked aside by X to regain that focus. While married to her, I too was focused on the here and now, seeking to keep her happy (in truth, seeking to keep her from making me miserable). Again, I now have so much compassion for her, I will rejoice if she and Mr. X ever come around to loving God more than they love this present life.
In less than an hour, brothers from my church will be here at my house (6.am. P.S.T.) to be accountable to each other in our Christian walk, desiring to be better men better husbands, fathers and even future husbands (me?). We are brutally honest with each other in order that we can shed the weights and shackles that hinder us from serving God as he so guides us, here on earth.
Next weekend, son and I will be going down to Mexico with the church to a poor area to provide for some of their needs and to share the hope of God's love. After such trips, I always come home appreciating this country, counting my blessings and loving life just a little more.
Tomorrow is my birthday (if you send cards, send money
) and last year at this time, the divorce notice (official 10/17) arrived 10/19, just in time further put a damper on my birthday. This year, my head is clear, my X is not my problem, my relationship with my God is awesome and I have unconditional acceptance by many.
I am truly a blessed man!
GREAT POST!
....and once again you've given me much to think about. I can see in myself so many little things that I let slip by without being greatful. I really have to stop that.
I have to say that when it comes to you, your wife is a very lucky woman. Not only does she have your foregivness, but she has your prayers. You can't give anymore than that to someone.
You let the cat out of the bag. Now I am counting down to the witching hour in order terrorize you on your Birthday!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
love,
Bethie
HAPPY BIRTHDAY C2!!!!
well early!! In case i dont get back on.
Whats the plans kiddo??
Whatever you do, I hope you have the BEST you have had!!!
XXXXX
Great pre birthday day so far. My real friends came over and we hand an ubelievable time loving God and encouraging each other. I went to the church for a class on understanding our faith and then we went out to a poor neighborhood passing flyers for our church's "Harvest Festival" on 10/31. We will be allowed to use the city park to stage a FREE event with carnival rides, jumpers, games, prizes, candy as well as aa concert in a safe enviornemnt. We expect 7 -10,000 visitors (I am going to be a clown- so what else is new?
)
A friend from church dropped off a very thoughtful gift, U.S.C. beat up the Irish and now I see my imaginary friends are extending birthday wishes.
I was separately given some tickets for tonight's exhibition Laker game so I'll probably check it out.
I'll spend tomorrow with my kids, visit my parents and then end the weekend at an evening study at the church in a relaxed enviornment.
Bethie, I too have to remind myself how blessed I am and when I do, life seems pretty darn good.
Karen, thanks for the birhday wishes, you too were there when I returned to the boards last year, with my life in shambles. You've got something special about you cuz we're both doing pretty well.
Happy Happy Birthday to you C2H!!! Hope it is wonderful!!! 
Happy Birthday, C2. Hope it's the best one ever.
Seeing as how I saw X yesterday, I'm struggling with forgiveness today. Your posts are always thought provoking and sometimes make my head hurt!!!!
BTW, where are you going in MX?
Hey C2
Is your area in any danger from the wild fires?
ALL, no thanks for asking. Back later for birthday update, it was great!!!
I saw the fires on the news, what a terrible mess.
THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME AUNTIE EM, NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!
C2, tell us about the B.day celebration and hoping you have not blown away!!
Birthday Recap- What a difference a year makes! I have been reviewing my journals to deal with forgiveness and the one year anniversary of the D becoming official. My birthday falling during this period is another reason for reflection. This last year has been the most amazing time in my life, a time of great despair and great heights. I reassert that my God has been so amazing, so faithful to support me, words cannot describe my gratitude and indebtedness to Him.
My recent battle with getting over the hump in forgiving my X and Mr. X has been tough but very liberating. I know resentment will rise but my decision in advance will be to fight it and submit to God who tells me I must forgive. I have experienced it already in a similar way like a drinker is tempted to drink. Instead, I call on the power of God to resist by quoting scripture as Jesus did when He was tempted in the wilderness by Satan and the urge to stew and get angry dissapates. It is likely something will happen that will really, really irritates the heck out of me but even if I fall into a period of resentment, bitterness or anger, I will not stay there.
Liberated! Birthday events.With that monkey off my back, I feel liberated to live and love! (Easy, easy, slow down all you whose minds stoop low, and do so often LOL!!
)
I called my kids to pick them up to go to church but they were tired and still sleeping when they should have been getting ready. I spoke to X and instead of getting angry about her not having them go to bed at a reasonable hour so they could go with me, I told her I would come back after. My plans were immediately changed because I was suppose to take them right after church to my mom's. I DID NOT GET ANGRY.
After church X, wanted to take the kids on an errand, changing the plans again, this created more problems for the commitment I made to help my sister who was moving back to our parents' home. I agreed and afterwards figured she was probably taking them to get a last minute gift. (Previously I took my kids to get my X some very thoughtful gifts for mother's day, gifts which took advance planning. From now on she gets something from Mervyns- lol)
Breakfast and sharing God's loveI could have pouted and got angry that simple plans to get my kids on my birthday were being fouled up but instead called my mom, asked if they wanted me to pick up food and was on my way. I called in a food order and when I got to the local take out, I had to wait a long time. I gave up a table I was sitting at to a family since I was getting my order to go. I figured since it was a nice gesture, I should get a flyer from my car to the Harvest Festival for 10/31 and give them one. I actually got a stack and went through out the dinner passing them out to every family- I was very blessed and the people were appreciative because it was free and it was for their children.
I got my order and headed to my parents' house, we ate and then loaded up a ping pong table they were giving me and headed to my place to drop it off. We did so and then picked up my kids who were surprised to see I had their cousins in my car. The rest of the afternoon was spent hanging out with my mom, dad and my sister. My kids grew up with these cousins as everyone went to my parents after school. The divorce resulted in my kids not seeing their cousins too much during the last year which was sad. Later in the afternoon we ordered an early dinner and enjoyed that together.
Unexpected phone call- a blessingMy cell phone rang when I was sitting around the kitchen with my family. Two guys from church who are also brothers called and then put me on the speaker phone and then, along with their young kids, sang happy birthday to me. I put them on my speaker so my family could hear. It was a simple gesture but it was really very, very touching. I have been helping and mentoring these guys as they get their lives together. Both were former drug addicts, have done jail time and the younger (32) brother has done hard prison time for a serious offense. He became a Christian in prison and God has radically changed his life over the last four years (he has been of prison for a year). By helping here or there (the older brother (35) has a car) or taking the younger brother to see his kids and practice driving for his upcoming drivers license test this Friday, I have been tremendously Blessed. I get to witness how God is working in their lives.
Prison does not rehabilitate anyone but God can and does. When they were done singing, I had my family clap for them chatted a little bit and then went back to my family celebration.
We played some H-O-R-S-E in the back yard with my dad, my kids and one of the cousins and then went in for cake. My brother called letting us know he got back into town after 6 days in Vegas to celebrate his birthday, 10/17 the day of my D finalization, we chatted a bit and committed to getting together this week (he lives in So Cal but was too tired to come over. We ended the family party, I took my kids over to my X's and then I headed to evening service at church.
After church I chatted with some friends
including a female friend. Afterwards, the weather remained pleasant and I went for coffee with two guys from church and wound up returning a call to a friend who is suffering in the midst of a divorce (I have been calling him and inviting him to meet with me and he finally returned my call). I provided encouragement and he agreed he would meet with me this week.
My life is now goodI mentioned a few posts above that my D notice arrived two days before my birthday last year. I was then holding out hope for reconciliation, still wearing my ring, resenting OM (now Mr. X) and X was lashing out at me from time to time. I knew God would take care of me if I totally relied on Him, I did and He has.
My life has been sooooo rich in lessons and blessings in this past year. My posts here do not even detail so many of the other blessings that I have recorded in my journals from the last year. There have been times during the last year that I sobbed and cried out to God because of the pain
but there have been far more times that I sat in service, at an outreach, on a missions trip, at a conference, in my car or alone with the Lord where tears of joy at God's goodness have trickled down my face. It is not even close as to the number or joyous occasions compared to the times of despair. Did I mention that my life is now good?
From now on she gets something from Mervyns- lol)
Not Kohls???
Sounds like a most excellent birthday C2!! I am so glad!!
nowwwww........... female friend SCOOP SCOOP!!
Wow, brings a smile to my face.
Happy Happy, Joy Joy, Happy Happy Joy Joy - Happy Birthday C2H! Mines in a few days, and I think I'm a Scorpio and You're not!
You sound good sweet C2H. So tell us about that girl on the phone >>>
C2H, I love this post and your description of your day.
Thank you.
BA
Only if I feel like being the bigger person again. You're kind of asking me to stretch too much. At this point it's Mervyns or maybe the 99 cent store
Female friend? Karen, you are too sharp to let that slip by you huh? (ok I did use
bold font )
Female Friend?Female friend aka
"Church friend" is the same woman I wrote about last month (9/21) who stopped by our table and joined a group of us at a burger joint after church. Since the ice was broken, we have seen each other at church and chatted a bit, kind of getting to know each other a little more. The night we all got together (it was actually 9/19), we discovered her birthday was the next day so I wrote out a card encouraging her that she is the kind of woman many of the guys at church are searching for. I think I scored some brownie points
So those
"Awkward School Boy feelings" I described in that first post was a sign to me that I am ready to start exploring LABS (Life After Back Stab
). Whether "Church Friend" and I develop mutual interest that goes anywhere or not is less important than the fact that I am interested in moving to the next stage in my life. I will be moving cautiously and respectfully because I don't want to hurt anyone. I am not as concerned about being hurt because I feel like if I develop an interest in someone but it is not mutual, that is God's way of telling me she would not be His choice for me.
I don't want to move forward with anyone God does not want me to move forward with and if He does not stir a woman's heart for me, I don't want her, no matter how interested I might initially be. This is the beauty of my outlook. If I am interested but she's not, then I am no longer interested because God didn't show her I am the man for her. Circular logic at its best!!!!
Ok so I may be prejudice but WHATS NOT TO LOVE ABOUT YOU??
I say the same thing when my S brings up girls lol
but totally understand you taking it nice and slow C2, good idea
butbutbut, I bet shrs biting at the bit for you to ask her out!!
Happy,
Thanks for the tune, brings a smile
to my face! (so, when is you Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, day?)
Annie,
It was a good day. Like you, I get a joy out of seeing others' joy and healing. Thanks for stopping by
Karen,
Yes my dear, you are biased and I'm glad you are. We want nothing but the best for our family and for our imaginary friends, don't we?
Slow, very, slow. There are enough activities around the church and opportunities to "serve" to get to know someone without actually going on dates. The other thing is there are opportunities to converse and see what a person is like after services. Heck, you can walk up to the person and get real personal (if you are already acquaintances) to ask the deepest question as to how they came in to a relationship with Christ. That will tell you a lot about the person, what they think and what they believe, what they were like before, things about their past.
So, I am probing but carefully because if I sense we would not be a match, I don't want to give the wrong impression and then back off and be considered an insensitive idiot.
Hello insensitive idiot. NOT!!!!
C2, it brought a huge smile to my face when I read about your BD celebration.
I've been meaning to tell you this.....I grew up "never" attending church. My parents didn't attend, so neither did any of us kids. However, my D22 started church when she was about 8 and at one point I started going with her. Since she's moved out, I've stopped attending again. She still goes when she doesn't have to work. MG is Catholic and was forced to attend when he lived at home and now he doesn't go and hasn't for years. You inspire me to attend again.
Hey Jill,
That was nice of you to say, (the church thing, not the idiot thing LOL!)
I want to share something personal with you, send me an email committed2him2@yahoo.com
(No Bethie, it is not a picture of me in my birthday suit
)
Yeah, my birthday was cool because I spent it with family and church family too. Even when I was to connect with the kids and that went sideways, my anger didn't rise like it might have just a month or two ago. Instead, I was blessed to just try to share the joy I have within me with strangers (something else happened that confirmed this was exactly what was suppose to happen, a devine appointment God had for me to minister to family of one of my dearest friends, family whom he has been praying for- they were at the burger joint too).
I also did not share that Church Friend was at church that evening and we spent some more time talking within a group context. Previous weeks I sought her out after service, this time she hovered near where I was until we saw each other and began talking.
Man, I sound like a silly school boy don't I? (this week I might ask a friend to pass a note to one of her friends to ask "if she thinks I'm cute" LOL!!!!!
)
Irony of ironies, my itunes is playing a hip hop version of a song I haven't heard in years "Free, at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last" (D.C. Talk)
Hey, Jill, I hope you will consider attending.
I will tell you from my experience of the last year and a half, it's the most important thing I have done and has been the catalyst for this new life that I have created for myself.
My Ex and I didn't attend a church together. He was raised Catholic, I was an Episcopalian. And while he "rejected" (his word) the Catholic church as an adult, he wouldn't attend with me...said that going to another denomination would be "disrespectful" to his mother as long as she was living (don't get me started...) So I tried to go as a married person, but it was hard for me to become committed and involved without my spouse joining me in that. Not a good excuse either, but I just could never be consistent about it.
Since he left, I have dedicated myself to going back. I found a new church home that is a wonderful fit for me, I renewed my confirmation vows. Through this church, I have met some wonderful new women friends with whom I have regular outings, and from them have met even more people.
I have also become a regular participant in our church's community outreach activities, which are so gratifying and rewarding, and have made me feel much more a part of my town and community and what's happening here and where the needs are, than I ever had when I was married. Again, service to others was something my Ex and I had been involved in, and something I felt like we needed to get our focus back to as a couple, but he never gave us that chance. I am so grateful to have that opportunity to do that now. I have been shown over and over that serving others in need really takes my focus off of me, and how bad I think things are in my life. Instead of being down, I am continually filled with gratitude for all that I have in my life.
Anyway, I am blibbering, and sorry C2H for the hijack, but Jill...please do consider attending; I think it will make a profound difference in your life.
besos,
BA
Man, I sound like a silly school boy don't I? (this week I might ask a friend to pass a note to one of her friends to ask "if she thinks I'm cute" LOL!!!!!
)
Hey!!! I think you're "cyber" cute!!!! I'll email you later. Off to work for now!!!!
Who's your Daddy???
Oh boy C2 now you've done it!! There had better not be pictures cause if I find out that you're holding back on me well.......you know that won't be pretty!
Oh and Jill a little religion is exactly what you need. Forget about C2 I should be the shining exsmple that you would want to emulate.
OK babe I'm going to leave the converting to C2 since he is far better at that than I am, he knows of what he speaks! He sure has made a difference in my thinking as to how I want to live my life.
Love you guys..........
Bethie
I have been shown over and over that serving others in need really takes my focus off of me, and how bad I think things are in my life. Instead of being down, I am continually filled with gratitude for all that I have in my life.
Such deep "blibbering" and hijacks are always welcome around these parts. Well said, Annie
Hey!!! I think you're "cyber" cute!!!!
Oh no! First Karen, now you! I havee become the COM!
(Cyber OM
) I am enjoying these little real world stretching and growing.
He sure has made a difference in my thinking as to how I want to live my life.
I made you wanna spin on poles?
I need to go back to the drawing board! LOL!
Bethie, Annie said it best about taking the focus off our own situations really makes a difference. Even GALing is really about looking at what is out there rather than how we were "wronged."
You ladies (and sometimes the guys, cuz mostly we just wanna play and get messy) were heaven sent angels (ok the guys were "angels with dirty faces!") I think God is blessing so many of us because, though we were not perfect, we wanted to honor the vow we made before Him. Whether closely walking with God or not at the time of the wedding vows I would bet nearly everyone felt they were making a sacred vow at that time.
In the darkest times, we often reach out to God. Sometimes keep that close relationship with Him when the clouds lift. That is my prayer for my friends because I have found their is no better friend than the one who created us.
[quotIn the darkest times, we often reach out to God. Sometimes keep that close relationship with Him when the clouds lift. That is my prayer for my friends because I have found their is no better friend than the one who created us.
[/quote]
This was very touching C2. I guess it really is human nature to want and then wane to some extent, afterall we are all imperfect beings. Well except for you. OK, OK but you're pretty close!
Bethie,
You know how it is as a parent (and think of God as a parent), we want good things for our kids, even when they don't see that the thing we want for them is really good.
Men's conference "nuggets"I want to remember two things from the conference (church affiliated) I attended two Saturday's ago. Most of us know some of the 10 commandments and have likely seen the movie around Easter or Christmas. I know of them but I thought the first one portrayed God as a tad petty.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me
I have also heard the Bible stating that God is a jealous God. It has been my desire to respect this and follow this commandment since becoming a Christian but it was more out of obligation because I am suppose to. At the conference, I had a bit of an epiphany.
The pastor said God is a jealous God and He wants us to have no other god (or idol) higher than Him. The reason:
God knows no other god can satisfy us. For example, people make power, prestige, money, luxury items, an award or a title their god (even a marriage or saving a marriage can fall into this category). They pursue it, often put everything else below that goal including relationships, family, honesty, integrity etc. in a subservient position.
The sad truth is there are examples EVERYWHERE to prove that none of these things completely satisfy us. The attainment leaves us wanting just a little more, a little bigger, a little something or other.
In contrast, walking closely with God, hand in hand, so to speak, satisfies like nothing else can. The latest fill in the blank, (car, toy, fashion item, vacation spot) satisfies temporarily, but then what's next?
Now, I see that instead of having to have God with no other gods before him because I have to, I can see that I should want to have nothing above Him in my life (not even a marriage) because nothing will satisfy me as only He can. So, instead of "having to," I "want to" have Him first above all things.
(I'll share the other nugget later)
C2H,
I can see that I should want to have nothing above Him in my life (not even a marriage) because nothing will satisfy me as only He can.
I don't remember if we've discussed his books before, but have you read anything by John Eldredge? This reminds me a lot of what he writes in "Wild At Heart."
Waiting for the other nugget to drop.
Thanks,
Joe
Joe,
Haven't read him but just checked out the book you mentioned and saw that it had over 100 reader reviews and some extremely positive reviews- I ordered a copy, Happy Birthday to me.
Just to reflect on the above nugget a bit more. About 10 of us were serving lunch to the 90 or so guys who came with us on two busses to the men's conference. We left early to set up tables, drinks etc. As we waited for the other guys to break for lunch I shared with the other guys how profound I found that message to be,
"No other god will satisfy."NOTHING ultimately satisfies. Athletes win championships and the next day they are striving for the next one. The rich and famous need more on top of more, I worked with officers in an Executive office and they boasted about their $800 pens! To the negative, when a person gets hooked on drugs, alcohol, gambling or other vices, things spirral downward until they hit the proverbial rock bottom.
So, I appreciate that God tells me,
"Hey ding bat, make me number one in your life because in me, you will find rest for your weary soul. I'll be here waiting for you with the first aid kit while you try everything else, I'll leave the light on for ya!"The other nuggetMaybe less of a nugget but more of a cause to pause, reflect and assess my priorities (as if none of that has been going on for all of us, LOL
)
Gregory attended my Monday night men's study at the church as we studied the book of act for the last 26 weeks or so. Each week we would read a chapter, answer questions in a study guide, come back and review them in small groups of 10 or so the next Monday. I didn't know him before, but he joined us and as we got to know each other, we saw that his 53 year old body was working hard to recover ffrom heart surgery and some other complications. Yet week by week we got together and would listen to him when he offered up an insight and encouragement when he had something to share.
At the men's conference, he joined us and even showed up while we were setting up lunch because it took him a long time to walk so he left his seat early to avoid the crowd who would walk at a hurried pace. He sat next to me as we swallowed our meals before the other guys came and we chatte about his health and his family, an every day kind of converstion.
The monday after the conference, the leaders started the meeting in prayer as they usually do but announced that
we were also going to pray for Gregory's family because he died earlier in the day. We were surprised yet those of us who knew him from our group were happy for him.
Last night we got a call as to where the wake was so another brother from church and I headed on over to pray for and comfort family members with our knowledge of what we knew of him during his final months and even just 48 hours before his passing. They offered the opportunity for others to speak and when the leader of our group who was also present, did not get up, I did.
I shared how he encouraged us, how he persevered in spite of his pain and how his walk with God was very strong at the end of his life. I even told them if they saw some of us with seemingly inappropriate grins or smiles on our faces, it was because we knew that
To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord for those who love Him (God) and that Gregory certainly loved God. As I paused in my comments, someone's phone rang and their ring tone was "Sweet home Alabama" and I said, "you know, Gregory is in his sweet home but it is not Alabama, it's heaven and he would hope that each of you would one day join him there."
The little nugget?Seeing my brother in Christ at the conference on Saturday and then hearing on Monday that he had died reinforced the reality that tomorrow is not promised to us. His passing and attending the wake brought into focus the reality of dying with a certain, firm faith in the Lord, walking closely with Him all the way up to our last breath. Gregory knew his days were limited and so he jealously treasured His relationship with God. In my 20 years of being a Christian, haven't always guarded my relationship with God in that manner but I do now.
I miss my friend but I am jealous for he is no longer in pain but is in the very presence of the Lord- it blows me away to think of him hanging out with with God, the creator of the universe and everything in it, as I type these very words...
C2
I am sorry about your friend. He was so young. It does make you stop and really get our priorities straight.
I love the way you described him hanging out with God, what a great way to think of him! I will remember this!
'nighty night C2
C2H,
I'm sorry, too, that you will not have your friend here with you now. Thanks for sharing this story with us, though. It's an important reminder.
Thanks,
Joe
C2,
I'm also sorry about your friend. That was a wonderful post.
C2,
Thank you so much for sharing that. It was so touching. Your going to his family and retelling Gregory's story from your perspective was the best gift you could ever give them and I'm sure so very comforting. I also admire that you could stand up on such short notice and give such a loving eulogy. Last winter at my Uncle's funeral my cousins asked if I wanted to say anything. At times like that I am always such an emotional wreck that I knew I wouldn't be able to get through it, so I declined. In retrospect I wish that I could have been stronger for them. I believe that God must have been working through you and in turn you touched so many people.
I'm so happy to be able to call you my friend!
Love,
Bethie
Thanks for the condolences for they are the same kind of gesture I would offer one of you but I feel very differently regarding this "loss." I am sure it is the combination of knowing how much he was suffering and knowing he had a firm relationship with the Lord in his final days. I really am really overflowing with joy for the guy, man is he fortunate!!!!
During the time I knew him, he met a woman at our church who be came his girlfriend, beautiful inside and out and she spoke about their relatioship, a recent local outings they had as well as his love of the Lord. Afterwards, we spoke and I asked about his daughters and the girlfriend said they did not have the kind of relationship with the Lord he did and that was the thing he most wanted for them these last months.
As the wake procedings closed, the pastor explained the Gospel and asked those who wanted to have the same kind of relationship with the Lord that Gregory did, to raise their hand. One by one, about 1/3 of the attendees raised their hand including at least one of the daughters. I got to speak with both of the daughters, as well as other family, before I left to just share my commitment to pray for them in the following days because they would be missing him. I also wanted them to know that we would welcome them as family if they came to visit his church.
I walked away from the wake knowing Gregory would have been pleased with how the service went and how his family was ministered to.
C2H, if you're around tonight, there's a lady on "MLC" forum, wantlove, that seems to believe that her choices are either life with her H or no life at all.
I've tried to explain that she is a child of God, and because of that her life has value, but I could sure use some back up.
thanks,
BA
Annie,
I posted. Man there was a lot of tension over there, serriously speaking, it reminded me of trying to communicate with my X. I certainly don't need that in my life anymore, EVER again.
Bless you for caring.
All we can do is try...
And pray.
And yes, there is tension in the air over there.
That's why I like it here in Surviving so much, especially your thread.
Thanks, C2H,
love,
BA
A test of forgivenessA message from my X beloved
Could you do me a favor.. IF you can't watch the kids or you have a time deadline, please let me know ahead of time. I realize you need/want/like to go to church often, I just don't feel comfortable leaving Son (13) alone (he's fine, I just don't like to). Besides all of that, he could've spent "quality" time with you.
X asked me to stay with the kids while she did her nails, cool. Being it was Wednesday, I text, and when she did not respond, called her to get her ETA. She said 20 minutes. My 25 y/o step son was at the house and was taking D (16) somewhere. I asked if he would wait 20 minutes till his mom came home and he said ok. I think he left after 20min and she still wasn't there.
I think the issue of communication is important and it is a two way street. I will find out today from my S (13) what happened when I spend quality time picking him up from school. I think what irked me was her last comment.
So, this quasi vent is just a part of releasing the desire to get pissed at her. She is seeing things from her perspective, her "It's all about me" attitude.
"Lord, let me hear what is valid, constructive criticism and cause me to act accordingly. Help me to deflect selfish blame shifting from my X, releasing any resentment that seeks to rise from her comments. Draw my X close to you through whatever means necessary to submit to you wholly as her Lord and Savior. Minister to Mr. X that he too may develop his own personal relationship with you. Above all, cause us both to seek your guidance in doing the best we can for our children and heal them from the devastation of divorce. Amen."In the past, she has made other comments, attributing them to the kids and when I ask them directly but subtly, the kids point out that their mom is twisting things around, a fairly common trait. I know she has her way of leading, probably saying things like "Your dad is always racing off to church, isn't he?" The kids know no one wins if they disagree with mom.
So, I'll calmly speak with them, keeping them out of the middle, not asking, "Your mom said you said..." Mostly I'll ignore the way she has said things but think about the message and discern what is relevant and what is not.
She's always so condescending toward you when she writes these e-mails. I just don't get it. If I didn't know better I would think that you were the one who did the leaving.
It's not you C2. This is her problem and you really handle it well!
Bethie,
Thanks for the perspective. I think many of us question if it IS "us" when there is conflict of some sort. It is a pattern we learned when we were trying to salvage the R, "What can I do to make it better, what am I doing to cause WAS's unhappiness..." With time and distance, we see things better but the old patterns and doubts replay.
I actually replied with facts and she backed off saying she didn't want to argue. Later she was cold in some communications about this weekend, that's fine with me.
I'm not angry, I'm actually glad to see my growth in dealing with her.
Bethie is right
( of course)
condesending is the perfect word, reminds me a lot of my ex.
I had to snicker a little tho, when she wrote, how much you love to go to church, thought that was rather funny, most women would be upset because the father of her children spent too much time at the bar, or race track, friends house, pool hall lol
Of course she backed off!
You done good C2
C2H,
You're doing great in this "growth" thing. Your XW has issues that she's not confronting in herself, but you kept the communication at a level where it belonged.
There are a lot of WAs out there who act like they were the one abandoned and they want to "punish" the LBS for it. Maybe in their minds they were abandoned.
I'm glad you stuck to the high road, and that you let us know about it.
Thanks,
Joe
C2,
I know you don't want to be snarky with her, but I'd be hard pressed not to reply to her....
X, I'm no longer attending church because you made me realize that I actually was taking time away from the kids. Instead, I'm pimping Bethie out on Mon & Wed. On Tues & Thurs, I'm at the casino. I've made myself available to the kids for the entire weekends but I'm hoping they can be quiet due to the pounding headaches I have from drinking with the men from the homeless shelter. Thank you for pointing out to me how much my time at church had been hurting the kids.
Geeze, your X is a PITA!!!!
There are a lot of WAs out there who act like they were the one abandoned and they want to "punish" the LBS for it. Maybe in their minds they were abandoned.
I'm glad you stuck to the high road, and that you let us know about it.
This was an interesting comment Joe. I can see this and you're also right that there is a pattern here!
C2,
I know you don't want to be snarky with her, but I'd be hard pressed not to reply to her....
X, I'm no longer attending church because you made me realize that I actually was taking time away from the kids. Instead, I'm pimping Bethie out on Mon & Wed. On Tues & Thurs, I'm at the casino. I've made myself available to the kids for the entire weekends but I'm hoping they can be quiet due to the pounding headaches I have from drinking with the men from the homeless shelter. Thank you for pointing out to me how much my time at church had been hurting the kids.
Geeze, your X is a PITA!!!!
Too funny Jill! I was thinking like that. Gosh there are such worse things there C2s ex !!
Popped in for a second. Shuttled my 8th grade president son (and his VP) to a leadership conference at 7:30 a.m. (45 minutes one way), took a brother from church to the Dept. Motor Vehicles so he could use my car for a driver's lic test. Had lunch with him and did a bible study, went to get my son and his VP from the conference, went and got my D from school took them home, no food for her to eat, came here (brief post) to get food, running to the bank to get her money so I can taxi her to meet her friends at the movies, will then hang with son afterwards until it is time to get D and her friends after the movies to take them to X's. By then, X and Mr., who took the day off work, will be back from Santa Barbara for the day (legitimate visit to her bro in law who's mother passed last week).
I am such a louse of a father!
Thanks for all your support, again, sometimes we wonder if it is us?
Gotta go feed my kids and get some $$$.
You are such a piece of crap!!! Why couldn't you go into the conference and the movies and hold their hands?? What's wrong with you?? You had lunch with a Brother when you could have taken them kicking and screaming from school and made them have lunch with you? You are squandering all of this time by letting them be with their friends, and whats the deal with school. You probably made they go so you could have some free time. Where's you go Church? You're so selfish it sickens me. ..and you call yourself a Father? ......right
[And scene]
Next weekend, son and I will be going down to Mexico with the church to a poor area to provide for some of their needs and to share the hope of God's love. After such trips, I always come home appreciating this country, counting my blessings and loving life just a little more.
You know committed, when I was in the Navy, I took a trip with a couple of other Sailors deep into the interior of Mexico. This was a far cry from the resort areas we are familiar with. We were on 2 weeks of leave and had planned this trip for months. We were seeking adventure mostly. I was in my early 20's.
I remember driving into this village.. dirt road, goats and pigs running around, trash scattered about. The temperature was stifling. We stopped for fuel and stepped out to stretch. A little girl maybe 8 or 9 years old wearing a soiled and tattered dress came up to me with a look of curiosity. She gave me this big smile and motioned me around the side of the gas station where what I assumed was her mother inside a "hut" (for lack of a better description) rolling out pita bread g on a metal tray. This tray was hanging over a fire in the middle of the structure supported by three metal wires. There was a hole at the top of the hut where the smoke was rolling out. Her Mother looked out at me, smiled and waved. The little girl continued to smile at me for a while longer, then ran off chasing after some kids that were playing behind the hut.
It's something so simple and uneventful, but it's something I never forgot. What I saw was utter poverty and what I would consider hopelessness. In the face of that, I saw a very Happy little girl and her Mother. It seemed to me that they had no clue they were so poor. It was definitely my first bout of culture shock. There was more to come after that, but for the purpose of my message here, I'll keep it short.
Whenever I think my world is crumbling or my problems are insurmountable, I think of that little girl and how happy she was. For whatever reason that image is burned into my memory.
Our problems are what we make of them. You seem to have learned to accept what you have here and now. Just like that smiling little girl.
Bethie,
Your wit never ceases to amaze me
Your writings could have come from the very lips of my dear old X. Thanks for the laugh/shock therapy to help me to see how rediculous her criticisms are.
They got back from Santa Barbara, S and I had finished eating and were relaxing. I cordially said my hellos (to both he and Mr. X) and left.
Prayer meetingAt times like this in the past, depression would hit but tonight I headed to church for a prayer meeting for missions. Talk about taking your eyes off your own problems! Prayer was concluded with worship music. Prayer may seem useless to some but it supernaturally strengthens workers doing the labor (workers serving the firefighters, relief workers etc.). It also stirs those praying to put action to their prayers as the people at the meeting have all gone out on missions trips or relief work to the Katrina area, the recent Peru earthquake or upcoming trips to the So Cal fire areas. Included in my prayers were some here on the board and their specific needs as well as for the children. It was a wonderful night.
Whenever I think my world is crumbling or my problems are insurmountable, I think of that little girl and how happy she was. For whatever reason that image is burned into my memory.
ATGB,
Your trip in to Mexico while in the Navy resonated deeply with me. I had a similar and equally touching story from a trip last year. It stirred me such that I took a longer trip 800 miles into Baja Mexico about this time last year. It also caused me to to Romania this past August and stirs me to go to provide relief to Fire Victims when the church announces the plan. When we think we
Outreach trip cancelled Earlier today the church called the outreach team members individually to tell us the trip was being postponed because of logistics and complications from the fires. We will go another day. Son was disappointed but we will spend father son time tomorrow and I will have both the kids overnight Sat and onto church Sunday.
Sorry your trip was cancelled but it is nice you got to spend quality time with your son.
You are such an inspiration to us on the board. Hope you had a great weekend.
Yeah Pam,
It was a bit of a disappointment
but it left the door open for a very good weekend with my son.
This week is pretty hectic with my free time being devoted to a huge outreach for the community on 10/31. Lots of work to do, all with people from the church. A safe evening for all with rides, jumpers games, prizes, a christian concert and a message about God's love.
Hope to post a bit here and there.
By the way, Mr. X sent me another email to really test my resolve to stay in forgiveness mode; I am staying there but it is work!
Mr. X did? oh brother.
Have a great week sweetpea, sounds fun!
Good luck with the fun in the park evening.
Sorry to hear about Mr. X it almost seems he is trying to be a pain in the A**!!!
Great for you on staying in forgiveness mode. You Rock!!!
So.............
Sounds as if Mr X thinks you're tight! I really don't understand why he would write. None of this is any of his business. Kinda says a whole lot about him!
Anyway, hope this week goes well and that you once again feel blessed to be in the position to help others. You are always elated after you have given of yourself and it's so evident in what you write. It makes us all want to be better.
Speaking of that, I used to go serve food every year at Thanksgiving for the Salvation Army. I decided that it was time to do that again. So I asked the kids if they would like to go as well. Two of them jumped at the chance but the middle child (the 1 that's most like her Dad. Surprise!) is kind of hugging the fence. Hey 2 out of 3 ain't bad, right? Oh maybe she'll think about it and want to tag along, we'll see.
Have a great week C2. We'll be waiting to hear..........
Love,
Bethie
Harvest festival
I survived! All my spare time, including spending overnight security at the festival site, was dedicates to our festival for the community on Halloween evening. We don't know how many attended but we gave away all of the 4000 bags of candy we had prepared. I volunteered to clown around and share the love of God with children and their parents. Our team got a quick lesson in making balloon animals and I had such a good time looking at all the kids. Another friend lent me his clown outfit that inflated- lots of fun!!! (but exhausting). My son had a great time with his friends and would come around to say hi to me but it was nice to let him run around and just enjoy himself in a safe environment.
We rented equipment and hired a carnival ride company and had lots of prizes for redemption so we required a security team to patrol the park over night (temporary fences were set up). It was also a great time to meet other guys and help encourage them in their lives.
OM communication
I decided not to respond to OM's recent communication but am looking at his request and will continue to act in a way that provides my kids with the best life possible. X seemed cold towards me but I was reminded that I no longer am married to her and her issues are not my problem.
Other really neat things took place over the last several days but rest beckons me! (More later)
Other really neat things took place over the last several days but rest beckons me! (More later)
Geeze, C2, I hate it when you leave us dangling!!!! I mean, in the future, couldn't you leave us with at least 3 words to ponder til you can get back to us??? HUH????
Glad your festival was a rousing success and that you had such a good time. I used to love watching my D and her friends interacting at these types of events.
lengthy email exchange with my X. Started calmly over clarifying something my son said about this weekend, not my weekend and I reqponded back to my X that it was a miscommunication on his part and that I didn't want to throw any surprises at her or Mr. X. Then the fireworks slowly began.
I am really baffled and don't think my touching on the topic of Mr. doing the communication for them was offensive. Interested your observations. I do have a concern about this man's relationship with God but have been VERY careful to limit comments about because X has previously justified and defended him in that area. The guy wears a ring with a skull on it, plays in a metal music band and has cd's that have the grim reaper and other dark images on the covers. (I am not naive and assume this makes him a Satanist, it just doesn't reflect the behavior of 40 year old man with a deep relationship with God)
Oh, I forgot, he committed adultery with someone else's wife.
I really think I was overly diplomatic in dealing with possibly touchy subjects. Maybe I'm missing it. Nevertheless, I need to say what needs to be said.
(Dialogue clarifying something son sprung on mom, cleared it up, end of topic)
X's comments in red
Other than last-minute surprises, we just want a head's up if you are gonna be at the house or coming by when we are not there. It is THEIR house, too, just appreciate a heads up is all.
thanks ~
Re surprises, I understand. On my weekends, I think we both try to have them bring what they need but sometimes they throw a curve at me and sometimes when we are within blocks. If you could communicate that to them also, that would help.
It is awkward when they say, "oh, I have to stop by to get something real quick" and for me to say "no, first we have to call all the numbers" (as MR. X requested). I too certainly do not want the kids to walk in on your alone time.
If you are on the road together, other side of town or at an event (lets say they just spoke to you 30, 45 minutes earlier and we know you are not home), if the kids need to stop by, do you still want a call? seeking clarification.
Texting seems to work the best and if we need to get to your house unexpected, calling the house makes perfect sense. I just want to avoid giving the kids the impression they have to get permission to go to the house.
When Mr. X raised this topic a couple days earlier, I needed to speak to you about this and called you a couple of times at work and left a message for you to call me when you got the chance, we just have not connected since then. When it comes to the kids and their feelings, I think you and I need to make sure we are both on the same page.
They certainly don't need to "ask permission" to come to their house.
All we're asking for is a phone call "We're gonna stop by to get stuff".. "We're gonna go pick up stuff."
They can go, they can stay, it's completely up to them.
It's just awkward coming home -- not expecting anyone to be home -- and the gate is unlocked, back door unlocked. We thought someone had broken in.
Plan things with them, they want to enjoy their time with you. Park, bike riding, bowling... they certainly don't want to just watch TV, they could do that at home. I KNOW they want to spend quality time with you, just plan something, even visiting your parents.
(C2H comment- like I never do anything with them?)
Anyway, I'm just trying to communicate with you, don't want friction and just want the house respected.
Thanks
No friction, agreed.
C2H follow up email:
can you give me a quick call.
racing to finish timesheets
Whats up?
I'm glad we clarified. Mr. X's email read like a reprimand, maybe one of those things that just doesn't come across well in written form (that is why I called you a couple of times the other day after he sent the email)
I needed to sit back pray. Your email was an answer to prayer, to address and resolve the issue.
I am in agreement with you and Mr. X, that's all.
p.s.
I will also double check doors and gate- kids will be kids.
just a bit more..
You have to keep a couple of things in mind: you tried to call me after you received Mr. X e-mail. This goes back to putting me in the middle instead of showing him respect about the fact that he's reaching out to communicate with you. You have to respect him if you want me to respect you -which I do, but you have to show him respect when he is reaching out.
We all agree that things are going reasonably well as far as transition is concerned, but we have to keep on working on the communication when it comes to concerns from you, or Carlos, or the kids.
I think the point to take away: you and I need not to put the kids in the middle, it has not happened often, but we should remind each other of that. Mr. X has been explicit about you not putting me in the middle when he communicates with you, and that is something that I ask you to hear him on and be mindful and respectful about it.
Ok?
Regarding the call. I wanted clarification from you before I responded, was not seeking to resolve it with you, sorry if it may have appeared that way.
I hear you. If I feel strongly regarding any issue concerning the kids I will then request that you be involved in the comunication. Fair enough?
You have a born again relationship with the Lord, these are your kids, my kids, given to us by the Lord. I am accountable to God for my actions.
I really do not know what Mr. X relationship with the Lord is and while it is a personal thing, he impacts my children. I am not making a judgment, I am just reflecting the present reality.
I will respect both of your wishes to keep you "out of the middle" but if I sense I need to know you are fully in agreement or fully aware of a particular dialogue of an issue. I will raise that point with Mr. X that we three need to communicate about the issue.
If you stood in my shoes, were the dad, and your wife married someone whom your kids would live with, you would likely take the same steps I have been taking (your momma bear role would continue as a man). I have been in heavy prayer about communications working out some of these issues, seeking to keep the kids best interest above all.
I am fine with everything that's been requested. I really, really do try to stand in yours and Mr. X shoes and I pray before responding to some of these issues. Hopefully, you both sense this and my desire to have a good relationship between all of us.
Thanks for your responses.
Thanks~
Mr. X does have a relationship with the Lord.
I am a little annoyed that you would bring that up and keep bringing it up.
(C2H comment: brought it up first letter to her when I found out she was having an affair. Maybe 2 other times in the 16 months since left me)
His walk is stronger than ours together. He LIVES it through his actions, not just words.
He's NEVER ever lied, yelled or disciplined the kids in anyway that I would allow.
He respect me.
Our relationship with the Lord is our relationship. Just because you take the kids to church does not make a your relationship stronger nor weaker than ours. The kids have made comments that they feel like the parade kids. WE want to take them to church with us to OUR church, but becasue they're grown up at the church, they don't want to leave. We tried taking them to another church, just didn't work out.
I don't want to get into an argument over this, but Mr. X relationship with the Lord is between him and the Lord, as is mine and yours. To constantly bring THAT issue up is not biblical, UNLESS your walk is completely right on. (And you know as well as I do, that I have always taken a strong stance for anyone who would look to MY BACKYARD, when there's is messy.)
Your volunteering and bible studies does not make your walk stronger than ours, nor does it deminish our walk.
Please do not cast those stones. Your walk will be evident by your actions, not just attendance to church functions (and most importantly to your children)
I was hoping to close this whole issue on a positive note, please don ot misconstrue the message. Your very comment(s) lead me to believe otherwise.
I am really busy with timesheets, lets just put this to rest and let Him speak to each of us in a positive manner.
Mrs. X
Sorry. I did not intend to cast stones and I will not bring the subject up ever again.
you know, i could just cry, but i'm not!
I WILL NOT CRY over this situation
The enemy will NOT EVER take MY JOY again
Cause He is with me..
HE will give me peace and strength..
He GIVES me peace daily
In my darkest times, HE has consoled me, to go on another day.
He is with us NOW, this I KNOW
The kids are peaceful... the house is peaceful
No yelling
No rushing
No turmoil
This is from MY JESUS, not us, not Mr. X, not me.
This PEACE & JOY is from Him
He has provided protection and comfort for us.
We experience it daily.
Jill,
I got online to update with some details but the fireworks began. Got to go taxi my kids, bad dad that I am.
Big update coming. Situation resolved with X, no need to bash her but thanks for being willing to do so
Darn it, C2!!!! Get your butt light back here and tell us the exciting news!!!!
In the meantime, I'll restrain myself from the X bashing......except on my thread!!!
Jill, sorry, my butt light battery was out, I was lost.
Significant events deserve a new thread; I am now posting on the following thread:All things...11 - PEACE WITH MR. X!
