X spouses getting divorced.... a question

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So XW eloped last month. Didn't have the courtesy to tell me but that's not a surprise. Last week for the second time I was told she has a lot of the symptoms of BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Would have to say she fits about 2/3 of the quals.!

So I'm wondering, there are all these Xspouses that run right out and jump into relationships w/ someone new and get married REAL fast... and w/ the divorce rate for second marriages running between 60% and 70%... what is the real rate of divorce for these marriages that start so soon?

IE, all you DBer's out there what has happened to your EXE's since the divorce? Are they like a friend who's mother is on husband #4 or has your X grown up and actually in a happy, mature relationship?

And NO, I want NO part of XW in my life again. $\:D$ I've been able to see what I was missing both physically and emotionally for the past 20 years and I'm here to tell you that dating someone who is mature and evolved and communicative is such a relief! We are "having fun" for right now,

but there is none of the histrionics and trying to figure out the REAL meaning of what someone is saying. What a change!

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And NO, I want NO part of XW in my life again. I've been able to see what I was missing both physically and emotionally for the past 20 years and I'm here to tell you that dating someone who is mature and evolved and communicative is such a relief! We are "having fun" for right now, but there is none of the histrionics and trying to figure out the REAL meaning of what someone is saying. What a change!

I am really looking forward to being in a fuctional relationship!!! Congrats to you.

WTH???

Hey, I'd have thought that SOMEBODY would have chimed in w/ their comment about their X getting divorced AGAIN and why! $\:\/$
Come on people, let's hear those stories!

HI David!

I don't post too much anymore. My ex married his OW 2 years ago. The kids and I have never met her nor do we intend to. As D19 puts it "Why would I want a "homewrecker" in my life". I am fortunate that my kids were old enough when we split to make up their own minds. She is the youngest.

I have no idea what their R is like. They do not take much responsibility for the stuff they left behind. I will say this. After 6 years, Ex is finally telling me that he has some concerns about the kids and their feelings. Not sure if I buy that. He has suddenly started to pay some of D's college expenses but I blatantly let him know that I would no longer discuss it with him - he could talk to his lawyer. Pay up or go to court. His behaviour, in my opinion, is still very much "all about him". He married an OW in MLC so we have double trouble. She helps justify the nasty selfish behaviour of both of them.

So, this isn't really what you want to hear. My ex moved in with maggot right after leaving me in shock. They married as soon as I went for the divorce.

I've been on the boards for 6 years. Have seen many people whose exes are in affairs, live in usually and some have married. I have on rare occasion seen the affair break up. I have never seen the second marriage end in divorce. But give it time. I just don't think it is common enough in this length of time.

These people are usually in denial. They are co-dependent. Their M might even last longer because of it. Who knows? When you are in denial, you can convince yourself that its all good, even when it isn't.

You may see them divorce in time. But they'r still in the infatuation stage and not much can top that. Can they still live with what they've got when the shine wears off? That remains to be seen. Be patient.

As for you - enjoy the mature R you are now in. I am also in a R that is so much better. I was talking to my BF last night about depression. Had to admit that Ex had been clinically depressed on many ocassions. Off work on many occasions. Manic at times. I told BF that he is just the opposite. Someone who is content being himself. Someone who is generally pretty happy most of the time, responsible for his own happiness. Our R is consistent and I don't walk on eggshells like I did with Ex. With him - you never knew what you were gonna get. And it wasn't always good. That's for sure.

Not really telling you what you want to know, but that's what I know - that is all I can say.

Barb

PS: In my opinion, someone who jumps right into a new R has no idea what they really want. Just a bandaid.

David,

I remember you from D But Not Done.

My X remarried OM #? less than a year after we D'd. They had a baby not quite a year after getting married. They didn't waste any time.

I can't tell how their R is. But, XW doesn't look overly happy. She doesn't look totally in the dumps either.

My take is she didn't even give herself enough time to find out who SHE is before jumping in to something new. She has never been very good about being alone or on her own. In time, I'd bet that this M won't last, but maybe it will. I am done caring about what she does or feels on a daily basis. It's been liberating to get to this point.

Overall, she did me a favor I wasn't able to recognize before.

DavidM,
My X and I have a great relationship post divorce and she has begun to confide in me and lean on me emotionally. That has me a bit spooked but I believe that since I have been non judgmental and not thrown things in her face I am safe to her. I know she is having a rough go of it and had recently stated that she felt that they all needed counseling and I told her that would be wise. Blended families are no picnic as far as I can tell.

She has been calling me to talk her down from panic attacks that she is having. Claims I am the only one that can calm her down. It speaks volumes about the state of things between them but I really watch my boundaries. I guess the clock is ticking on that marriage.

I also learned that her Husband was really threatened by me as he knows he will never connect in the way that she and I had. He is afraid I will steal her away. All I have done is give him the rope in which to hang himself.

Okay, I'll jump in...

XW dropped the bomb 2/05, moved in with OM 4/05, D was in 9/05 and XW M OM in 10/05. She is still the same person with the same issues. OM is basically a lap dog and will do anything to please and placate her. OM has a son in VA and was willing to live 300 miles away and see my kids more than his own. I hope having joint custody and seeing my kids pretty much every day eats him up inside. (Okay, so I'm still working on my growth).

I'm in a great R that is very serious. FF (Fearless for those of you that know my sitch) is becoming more integrated into kids lives and that seems to set XW off. She has called several times to complain about why I couldn't do things in our M like I can do with FF. Her H has started to attend school open houses just this year. I don't know if he feels worried or if XW wants him there to "one up" me. I do know that the odds are not in her favor with the new M. She, like so many others, rushed into this without doing any work on herself.

Barbie: No, you weren't telling me things I didn't want to hear. I'm OVER XW and don't have a desire to revisit that drama anymore. In fact, were it not for the fact that we have kids, I'd be okay not seeing her anytime soon. I AM concerned that the kids are all glommed up in her life and think everything's okay; that she didn't do anything wrong. I just have to bite my tongue and not criticize too openly. Have talked to D16's counselor about WHY I don't want them living w/ her fulltime and the C was quite taken back by all the drama over the past 2.5 years.

XW seems happy. But she was always good at putting on an act, as she made clear she had been doing w/ us. So who's to say? MAYBE they were made for each other. I just object to moving in w/ a guy you've known for 3 months and acting like that's normal and healthy; the kids don't realize that is NOT normal.

AFA moi, well I don't know where my current R is going. She's made it clear that WE don't have to discuss that until sometime next spring. She didn't expect to meet someone so soon that "got" to her. Her family seems to like me. Her Dad gave her a book on sailing so she could learn more since she likes to go sailing w/ me. Her family has made the comment about how could she end up w/ someone who is such a POLAR OPPOSITE from her XH (whom they ALL despised). So now I'm known as P.O.!

XW's new hubby seems to have had his life taken over by her and the kids. New wife, XW's dog, Daughter's horse and ferret. has to drive them home to me when XW is working. Going to son's football games. Hmmmm. Wonder if/when that will get old.

Anyway. I just see too many people jumping into new R's w/o doing work on themselves; that can't be good for the long term.
Best to you all.

David: I totally agree about jumping into new Rs without doing the work. I have seen it happen so often. Everyone seems to want a "quick fix" or a "bandaid". I used to think that these Rs would fail as quick as they began but I was wrong. I think a lot of people would rather be in a dysfunctional R than to make a break and get into something healthier.

Good luck on your new R. Not sure why your GF has set "the Spring" as her timeframe. I am of the old school and believe in letting things go naturally. But that's just me. It does sound like her family have accepted you well into the clan.

As for the kids and the new life - they get their messages from her. They want to make it work, no doubt. Every kid wants a "family" unit. Yes, that's a lot for new guy to take on. Wonder if he knew what he was getting into. I think a lot of walkaway women expect the new guy to be the white knight and take care of everything. That can't last forever once the honeymoon is over.

Anyway, sounds like you're handling things well. I do know of a couple of acquaintances who were in affairs that led to marriage and did break up. One (my friend's dad) lasted 8 years of marriage. It was volatile. Lots of drinking, fights, car accidents, headlines. Finally ended and app 30 years after he had left his wife, he remarried her. I think she was nuts for taking him back. He died a year ago and I think she finally has some peace.

Another sitution was a client of mine. Her H left her when their second child was born with disabilities. Took off with OW. They married. Not sure how long it lasted (5-10 years is my guess). The interesting thing in this case is that some 25 years later, both the OW and the ex apologized to my client for the pain they had caused her when he cheated and abandoned.

So, those are the only situations I know of. Not many would leave, remarry and not fight to the end to prove they married their "soulmate". JMHO

Barb

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I totally agree about jumping into new Rs without doing the work. I have seen it happen so often. Everyone seems to want a "quick fix" or a "bandaid". I used to think that these Rs would fail as quick as they began but I was wrong. I think a lot of people would rather be in a dysfunctional R than to make a break and get into something healthier.

Yeah, I'm just not getting it. She lived on her own (sorta for a year out of college, always coming home to Mom/Dads on her days off. We married. When we split she had a 20 y.o. roommate (THAT'S a story!) The month the D was final she moved across the parking lot to her own apartment so the kids had more room and no roommate and promptly started whining about how her living expenses were more than she made. $\:\/$
Two months later she met N. H. Three months later moved in w/ him. So she hasn't EVER, REALLLLYYYYY been on her own. And truth be told I don't think she wants to be. I think she's scared of that.
I, OTOH, did live on my own for a couple of years, have actually relished some of the past year and while I think I'd like to have someone special living her w/ me, I'm not in this great big hurry to move someone in to my house just b/c I don't want to be alone. UGH!

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Good luck on your new R. Not sure why your GF has set "the Spring" as her timeframe.

Only that she knows I am somewhat confused about what WE are SUPPOSED to be doing... And she knows she needs some time. We started dating when she had been S about 10 months and her XH is a real BiPolar piece of work, somewhat alcoholic. Nice guy in a crowd, great DATE as she says, just not much of a H or Father. So we have "fun" and enjoy our time together. We'll see. I do know I don't have this burning desire to get out and date every woman I meet; it's almost as though I'm getting MOST of my needs met now as opposed to the last years of my M, so that's a huge improvement.

I'm sure there are some good things about XW's new marriage that are good for the kids. And I'm sure N.H. is a decent guy. I just shudder to think what my kids, D16 esp. will be like in 10 years; sooner or later they've got to realize this isn't how MOST people run their life!

David:

The kids are greatly affected by the things their parents do. And they have no control over it. It is so sad. I have seen my kids have trouble dealing with it, bouts of depression, anger etc. Often they don't want much to do with their dad, other times they put up with crap because they fear losing their R with him altogether. There is really nothing we can do but be the best parent we can be. Always be there for them. Listen but don't judge. Provide them with a soft place to be.

I think there are many people who are afraid of being alone. This could be why your ex wife hooked up so quickly. Not too choosy! maggot was like that too. Kept hitting on guys till she bagged one (my husband!). Needed someone to pay the bills. Take comfort in the fact that she met him AFTER you separated. Going through the outing of the affair, the denial, the lies, the "knowing" is horrible.

Sounds like you are in a good place. I know what you mean about liking living on your own and not so sure you want to share it. That is where I am (except that I have 2 grown children living at home). I enjoy being in a R but it doesn't "complete" me. I am complete as I am. He "compliments" my life. It might not be so wonderful if we were to move in together or get married. Or it actually might be better. Right now - I'm not ready. I know he is not either. (If he is - he is not telling me - LOL!). My son is in the same situation. He dates a lovely girl but they broke up their common law situation. Neither was ready for a deeper commitment. He is unsure what to do. I just advise him to do what is best for him and him alone. If he can't be without her - then take action because if he doesn't he might lose her. But if he is really not sure, then don't make a mistake and go for it.

I hope for your kids sake that new guy is good with them and that he and ex are not so caught up in their "new life" that the kids don't get their needs met. That's what I would watch for the most.

Barb

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The kids are greatly affected by the things their parents do. And they have no control over it. It is so sad.

OH YEAH. I have been having lots of issues w/ D16. She's angry w/ ME all the time. Esp. since I don't want them going to live w/ Mom 5 days a week. So Sat S13 had a football game. At halftime I went over to speak w/ D who was sitting next to XW. (New H was walking around..) I wanted to speak w/ D and she was real snotty and didn't want to talk to me. I said lean over so I can talk to you, I have something I need to ask you. Someone wants to LOAN us a really nice guitar since you were saying you wanted to take lessons. Are you still interested? She said I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. real snarky. Told me to go away. So I told my friend to just forget about the guitar.

All the while XW is sitting right there and never once said HEY, Don't speak to your father like that!

After the game I asked XW what crawled up D16's [tailpipe] and XW says SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU AND WANTED YOU TO JUST LEAVE HER ALONE.

WTH?

I would NEVER have let one of the kids get away w/ being rude/disrepectful to XW regardless of our issues. But she's been allowing (sometimes even encouraging it) for years.

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I think there are many people who are afraid of being alone. This could be why your ex wife hooked up so quickly. Not too choosy!

ABSOLUTELY! I am actually very happy having someone in my life...but not in my space fulltime!

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I hope for your kids sake that new guy is good with them and that he and ex are not so caught up in their "new life" that the kids don't get their needs met. That's what I would watch for the most.

I actually think he's probably a pretty decent guy. Wonder what he thinks about having his world completely changed all of a sudden! And I'm sure XW is taking care of them to the Nth degree. B/c she'll focus on being the "takercarerof". That's how she gets her sense of self worth, by taking care of other people.

I just have an issue w/ her sense of values, her open contempt and the effect that has on the kids. Read up on John Gottman and his studies on divorce and how accurately he could predict which marriages would fail by the expressions of contempt that showed up in videos of couples interacting. (there's actually a chapter on this in the bestseller BLINK)
IN other news.... Met old friend of hers/ours from H.S. over the the weekend for drinks/munchies. She was passing through town from visiting her daughter at college. H dropped the bomb last Jan, moved out 9/1, told her last week he was filing... after 24 years! She's doing pretty well. Doesn't hear from XW much and then doesn't get the latest "news". We have a great time when we get together and she's really appreciated the GUY perspective on things. She'll do alright.