Are there any of your XH/XW's who have chosen the OP over their M and are living happily ever after? Is the grass really greener?
To me I can't see too many being that happy because of God, karma and what comes around goes around.
Share your stories.
YeeeeeeHaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
I so want to give my reply here!
Reports through the grape-vine are that my XW and the OM are not doing so well! He is a little @ss-kisser who has completely demeaned himself over being a joe-boy for my XW.
His kids report that he can't stand up to her and has been driven to tears by her! She is cold and controlling and he can't handle her. She holds all of the power over him like a trained seal. This comes from his own kids!
On a sad note.... I hate for any kid to have to see their parent behave in such a way. They deserve better than that behaviour as an example to them.
I honestly do not believe the grass is greener unless we make it green. Good like to 'em all. I understand they will need it.
Ciao.
Chaz
I honestly do not believe the grass is greener unless we make it green. Good like to 'em all. I understand they will need it.
I've read some of your sitch, man you have been through hell!
I don't think a WAS can make the grass greener by leaving to go look for it. (Some cases the WAS need to leave abusive sitchs)
Are there any of your XH/XW's who have chosen the OP over their M and are living happily ever after? Is the grass really greener?
To me I can't see too many being that happy because of God, karma and what comes around goes around.
Share your stories.
Does it ever happen? SURE! Someone has to win the lottery, right? Of course there are rare situations in which things like that do work out, but the odds are GREATLY against it. In fact, if you marry a second time, your odds of divorce are about 10-20% higher than the first marriage. Hardly ever works out, the XW/HW, MLCer, etc. finds that relationships are work, not some magic solution, many aren;t willing to do the work needed to be successful, many bounce from one to another, others remarry, divorce, perhaps remarry again. I think you will find many of those people are not happy. Just my opinion.
I heard that the sats on a marriage born of an affair has only a 2% chance of lasting.
Just sharing a story on this subject:
I had an aunt who was widowed in her 40's or 50's. She met a new man at a class she was taking. I was just a kid, didn't know much except she had a new husband, but in retrospect, I'm sure he was either married or recently separated when they met.
Anyway - they married, lived together for the next 30 years or so. They sold real estate together. Seemed happy, although her kids complained that he seemed controlling and they distanced themselves somewhat from her. I'm sure most people, seeing them together, would have classed them as a happy second marriage.
He died, finally, of prostate cancer so he had a long time top settle his affairs before he died. After he dies - my aunt discovers that he's left all his share to his ex-wife and kids!!! My aunt has to move out of the home she had lived in for 20 years, spends her last days in a trailer park.
So I guess what I'm saying is, even sometimes the couple that SEEMS happy, you never know what lurks beneath.
Ellie
I guess we all should come here and post in about 5 -10 years. My STBXH is dating a woman that is newly divorced herself. She has a 4 year old boy. She initiated her divorce and had cheated on her H at least once that I know off. So here are two people, thinking they have found what they were looking for. They both are looking for 'someone else' to make them happy. It will be interesting to see how this goes. They have been together for about 5 months now, they met 4 months into my separation with H. This is their first serious R since their spouses.
Who knows, maybe they are made for each other. I am sure I will find out.
Neli
Sadly I have to report that all's worked out really well for my xh.
He treated me very badly while we were married. Including physical and emotional abuse. As a result I doubt I will ever be able to have a "proper" relationship with a man ever again.
He had an affair. He is now married to that woman. She left her h and three kids. He left me and our three kids in extreme financial difficulties.
They are married. Both work. Neither support their kids financially or emotionally. They have a nice house. And get invited to family parties while her ex and I don't.
So, where's the Karma in all of this?
My guess is yes the grass can be greener but not always. It's made me realise that what my exh said to me was true. Clearly he never did love me and that's why he treated me so badly.
Sorry if this dissappoints anyone.
Sadly I have to report that all's worked out really well for my xh.
Everything always looks good on the surface, give it some time.
He treated me very badly while we were married. Including physical and emotional abuse. As a result I doubt I will ever be able to have a "proper" relationship with a man ever again.
I'm sorry that you had to deal with such an abusive man, but all men are not bad. There are some really good guys out there, my whole sitch made me into a better man.
He had an affair. He is now married to that woman. She left her h and three kids. He left me and our three kids in extreme financial difficulties.
There is no way that this crap can last! Give it time, you can't do someone dirty and expect good things in return. If you sow dirt you will reap dirt!
They are married. Both work. Neither support their kids financially or emotionally. They have a nice house. And get invited to family parties while her ex and I don't.
How happy do you think these people really are? I don't know how they can sleep at night knowing what they have done? Can someone have that hard of a heart?
So, where's the Karma in all of this?
How do you know that they are not having difficulties right now? If not now it will come, God doesn't forget.
My guess is yes the grass can be greener but not always. It's made me realise that what my exh said to me was true. Clearly he never did love me and that's why he treated me so badly.
I don't think that's true, he has to justify what he's doing now. But that only last for so long and he will one day look in the mirror and say what the hell did I do!
Sorry if this dissappoints anyone.
My XH married OW a few weeks after our D was final. They live an hour and a half away, and I have only met her once. From what the kids tell me, she is very controlling -- XH has gone from being a conservative Republican to a liberal Democrat. From a moderator of the deacons in our church to a unitarian universalist. From a sports car driver to a hybrid driver. From a golfer to a runner. From a news/sports junkie to a man without a TV in his home.
In fact, S14 said that OW declared "If you bring a TV in this house, I'll leave you!"
OW is pregnant, which was her mission since she met XH. He told his cousin (who called me) that seeing OW pregnant with his baby would be the sexiest thing ever. This was after having slept with her 5 or six times.
She told her XH that what my XH had going for him was "he has money and has fathered kids." Well, she's got what she wants and is starting to make threats about "leaving". Connecting any dots out there?
Won't she be surprised to find out he lied about the money, too?
-- Michele
I guess we all should come here and post in about 5 -10 years. My STBXH is dating a woman that is newly divorced herself. She has a 4 year old boy. She initiated her divorce and had cheated on her H at least once that I know off. So here are two people, thinking they have found what they were looking for. They both are looking for 'someone else' to make them happy. It will be interesting to see how this goes. They have been together for about 5 months now, they met 4 months into my separation with H. This is their first serious R since their spouses.
Who knows, maybe they are made for each other. I am sure I will find out.
Neli
Hi Neli and thanks for posting.
I say the same in your sitch as I replied to Mojo. How can any relationship like this work with such a horrible foundation? How can either of them ever trust each other? They will have to work twice as hard for this to go anywhere! The newness will fade and they will be left to reflect on how did I get myself into this mess. Everything is nice and great in the beginning of a relationship but when that fades the real person comes out. Those little things that use to be so cute are not so cute anymore.
Only time will tell with all of these sitchs.
But one thing I do know is that you can't destroy a covenant and the vows that you made with a person for life and not have any repercussions from breaking the covenant that you made to another person for life. Only because someone fell into temptation and lust drove them to seek something outside of marriage. And they try to justify and say I was not happy, I don't remember "until unhappiness do us part" being in the vows that I took on my wedding day!
I just can't see how people go and make a new commitment with someone else because the realities of real life got too hard and the honeymoon stage wore off. I see why people today have a hard time trusting anyone.
ouch. Testicles in a lockbox.
Sometimes karma is a real b!tch.
-db
Sadly I have to report that all's worked out really well for my xh.
He treated me very badly while we were married. Including physical and emotional abuse. As a result I doubt I will ever be able to have a "proper" relationship with a man ever again.
He had an affair. He is now married to that woman. She left her h and three kids. He left me and our three kids in extreme financial difficulties.
They are married. Both work. Neither support their kids financially or emotionally. They have a nice house. And get invited to family parties while her ex and I don't.
So, where's the Karma in all of this?
My guess is yes the grass can be greener but not always. It's made me realise that what my exh said to me was true. Clearly he never did love me and that's why he treated me so badly.
Sorry if this dissappoints anyone.
Sorry to say that Karma doesn't come in our time, but in its own time. It will get there, never fear.
I thought that OW#2 and XH were living it up on the money I had to give him to get rid of him. When we were divorcing XH would throw OW in my face about how wonderful she was. They were so happy. His life was so great without me. Fast forward two years, I received an email from him two weeks that said OW was cheating on him, gave him herpes, she won't work and made his life total Hell. So no they are not living happily ever after. He wants me back. Not going to happen.
Ewwwwwwww Herpes!!
Now that's so gross.I wouldn't want him back.
I don't know if mine is happy or not.I really don't care.I'm working on my own happiness.That's all that matters to me.
Later Friend
Briget
Obviously I'm not the person he would tell if it isn't the case but my ex and the OW appear to be very happy together. No Karma there they have loads of money from both divorces and each other.
This was his second affair with her as he had one with her prior to our marriage and that time she didn't leave her H for him.
So could be my ex has finally got what he wanted all along and the OW as well because she had at least one other PA on her H before she and my then H got together again and this time both decided to D their spouses.
So sometimes it works but I'm betting that is the minority.
What's important is that the LBS is able to move on, and find later down the line, that the grass, after a cheating WAS, is a lot greener, and that the WAS actually did them a favour by leaving. One hopes, anyway.
Who cares what happens to them afterwards, as long as they are fulfilling their parental obligations.
I thought that OW#2 and XH were living it up on the money I had to give him to get rid of him. When we were divorcing XH would throw OW in my face about how wonderful she was. They were so happy. His life was so great without me. Fast forward two years, I received an email from him two weeks that said OW was cheating on him, gave him herpes, she won't work and made his life total Hell. So no they are not living happily ever after. He wants me back. Not going to happen.
Lol, that's bad and he want you back with herpes! That's very arrogant.
Yes it is important that the LBS moves on.
Although everything is hunky dorey for my ex and OW I'm actually doing well too.
The most important thing for me is that I have the respect of my children. This is something my ex will never have.
I am enjoying my life more than I ever have done before. So that's good too. But I would like to meet a nice kind man.
On the surface my ex seems to have it all. A woman who loves him and does everything for him. He's lost his kids though. But I don't think he's bothered about that.
I would like to see their marriage fail though but I don't think it will happen. I'll let you know
I thought that OW#2 and XH were living it up on the money I had to give him to get rid of him. When we were divorcing XH would throw OW in my face about how wonderful she was. They were so happy. His life was so great without me. Fast forward two years, I received an email from him two weeks that said OW was cheating on him, gave him herpes, she won't work and made his life total Hell. So no they are not living happily ever after. He wants me back. Not going to happen.
Talk about Karma! OUCH!! Bad bite in the arse!
I dont think I know of anyone personally who's actually made it work with the OP, but I'm sure it happens. I know several who have tried, and their stories are mostly the same, the honeymoon ends and the problems start and it goes downhill from there. My sister left her H for OM and he left his W, and they both ended up miserable for years, theirs was pretty much textbook.
HOWEVER - both their LBS's moved on to much bigger and better and it drove my sister and her OM crazy! He was furious and she was jealous......go figure.
As far as my STBX - I dont think he's happier, but I dont think he's anymore miserable either, well maybe just a tad. I know they dont trust each other and that she keeps tabs on him pretty close. She's pretty much turned into how I was after I found out about the A lol! She checking the phone bills, the mileage on the truck, makes him give her his check, blows up his phone if he's gone longer then an hour - hey she wanted it so bad let her have it..........like they say be careful what you wish for.
My H and the OW aren't married yet, but within months of their soulmating, she (at 24) got cancer, and he got a mammoth kidney stone which apparently took some time to be expelled naturally and agonizingly. I am truly sorry to have to say it, but, at the time, before I was a reformed DB'er, these catastrophes kind of tickled my fancy.
Yo Brave-Meister...
Good point on the rare-incident thing.
I could not agree more that it is certainly possible for someone somewhere to find happiness in a WA situation. In fact, I know of one... or at least it seems. These "success stories" may have the potential to have legs of their own based on their rarity.
I was an insurance broker for many years and had been biased in my early years against one company who had I had heard had declined a claim and left the policy holder in a troubled situation. This story carried through the industry grapevine. When sufficient time had passed to allow emotions to settle down... it turned out that this decline was quite an rarity and quite circumstancial. Yet it got spoken about a lot and developed a life of its own. The sheer rarity of it was one of the things that made it newsworthy. Could a similar comparison not be made to the rarity of happily re-married betrayors and WA spouses?
As I had posted... there is word on the grape vine that my WAW and the OM are not living in bliss. Yet, I can say with fair confidence that knowing the nature of the two of them... they are not likely to let it be known publicly that they are having trouble. With the amount of controversy, they would probably keep their troubles in a private hell rather than let it be known that this thing they created isnt working out. And that others were right all along. I would not be surprised to find out that there are a lot of paint-on smiles.
My XW remarried within a very short period against advice of trusted people in her life. Including the counselor she uses to this day! Ahead of theat, she was dating weeks after our separation... against strong opposition from family for what an example that was to our kids and how much pain that was causing everyone.
She had not even begun to deal with the reasons for why our marriage did not succeed before she started another one. So what are her chances of success? The counselor says no better than the first time. Maybe less if she is hiding behind blame.
I am careful not to wish bad for "them"... I would rather my kids not have to go through another parental divorce. I couldnt give a rats fat @ss whether or not the two of them are happy other than how it affects my kids. So whatever.
The best I can do for me and my kids is to focus on being the best me I can be... for me and my kids. In a healthy world, whether or not "they" are happy should not matter one bit in my life. Obviously it does... to say it doesnt wouldnt be honest. But that is the goal to work toward.
Rambled long enough!
Ciao.
Chaz
SG,
I have a story from a coworker I wanted to share. His buddy and his wife had been married several years with two kids. His W has an A and turns into a WAW. She divorces him and marries the OM. The exH has a really rough go of things initially making child support payments and house payments.
Fast forward seven years. The exW divorces the OM for a variety of reasons.
Guess what?
She goes back to exH and says she made the biggest mistake of her life by having A and D him. He blows her off.........
BTW, he is in a much better financial position than before and she is in a not so good one. God/karma really did His/its job!
RMG
SG,
I have a story from a coworker I wanted to share. His buddy and his wife had been married several years with two kids. His W has an A and turns into a WAW. She divorces him and marries the OM. The exH has a really rough go of things initially making child support payments and house payments.
Fast forward seven years. The exW divorces the OM for a variety of reasons.
Guess what?
She goes back to exH and says she made the biggest mistake of her life by having A and D him. He blows her off.........
BTW, he is in a much better financial position than before and she is in a not so good one. God/karma really did His/its job!
RMG
It seems this is how the greener grass always end up! Turning brown, I have in another post about the LBS is the one that's expected to wait with open arms for the WAS! Why do the WAS's think that we will always be waiting with open arms because they want to to go and look for greener grass?
SG,
I have a story from a coworker I wanted to share. His buddy and his wife had been married several years with two kids. His W has an A and turns into a WAW. She divorces him and marries the OM. The exH has a really rough go of things initially making child support payments and house payments.
Fast forward seven years. The exW divorces the OM for a variety of reasons.
Guess what?
She goes back to exH and says she made the biggest mistake of her life by having A and D him. He blows her off.........
BTW, he is in a much better financial position than before and she is in a not so good one. God/karma really did His/its job!
RMG
It seems this is how the greener grass always end up! Turning brown, I have in another post about the LBS is the one that's expected to wait with open arms for the WAS! Why do the WAS's think that we will always be waiting with open arms because they want to to go and look for greener grass?
SG,
I think some of them think they can "always" find someone as good as LBS. In my case, that is a joke.
Not to brag, (OKAY, I WILL!) but, I have met about a dozen women since my D. The half dozen or so I actually had an interest in had an interest in me. Out of those I have had four of them say they would like a serious relationship. Two of those actually asked me if I was interesting in getting married in the future.
The main thing I keep hearing from these women is "You are not like most men." Many have said they find it refreshing I am actually interested in getting to know them and not trying to get into their pants. A few have even called my exW an idiot for walking away from our M. That is interesting!
My desire to not sleep around and wait for the "right woman" seems to strike a chord with these women as well. This demonstrates the respect I have for women and myself. In my opinion, any guy can go around being lead by his p@n!s. It takes a real man to understand the emotional and physical intensity of really ML to a woman. I can wait for that.
RMG
My ex-wife wanted the D because
- she "wanted to explore other relationships," or
- she "kept having relationships with other men and this way she could," or
- she met her "soulmate."
Now her soulmate is engaged to one of her "friends," but as I understand it, there's always another soulmate out there. Especially for women who want to "explore."
My ex-wife wanted the D because
- she "wanted to explore other relationships," or
- she "kept having relationships with other men and this way she could," or
- she met her "soulmate."
Now her soulmate is engaged to one of her "friends," but as I understand it, there's always another soulmate out there. Especially for women who want to "explore."
koshka,
The really funny thing is the double standard. Women who want to explore, find their "soul mate" or leave marriages because they are just "unhappy" are not looked down on by most. HOWEVER, just have a guy do the same thing; he is a dog. How is that?
RMG
SG,
I have a story from a coworker I wanted to share. His buddy and his wife had been married several years with two kids. His W has an A and turns into a WAW. She divorces him and marries the OM. The exH has a really rough go of things initially making child support payments and house payments.
Fast forward seven years. The exW divorces the OM for a variety of reasons.
Guess what?
She goes back to exH and says she made the biggest mistake of her life by having A and D him. He blows her off.........
BTW, he is in a much better financial position than before and she is in a not so good one. God/karma really did His/its job!
RMG
It seems this is how the greener grass always end up! Turning brown, I have in another post about the LBS is the one that's expected to wait with open arms for the WAS! Why do the WAS's think that we will always be waiting with open arms because they want to to go and look for greener grass?
SG,
I think some of them think they can "always" find someone as good as LBS. In my case, that is a joke.
Not to brag, (OKAY, I WILL!) but, I have met about a dozen women since my D. The half dozen or so I actually had an interest in had an interest in me. Out of those I have had four of them say they would like a serious relationship. Two of those actually asked me if I was interesting in getting married in the future.
The main thing I keep hearing from these women is "You are not like most men." Many have said they find it refreshing I am actually interested in getting to know them and not trying to get into their pants. A few have even called my exW an idiot for walking away from our M. That is interesting!
My desire to not sleep around and wait for the "right woman" seems to strike a chord with these women as well. This demonstrates the respect I have for women and myself. In my opinion, any guy can go around being lead by his p@n!s. It takes a real man to understand the emotional and physical intensity of really ML to a woman. I can wait for that.
RMG
DBing at it's finest! It made me into a even better man than I could have ever imagined!!!!
I love the new me and I know that you love who you have become from DBing.
DBing at it's finest! It made me into a even better man than I could have ever imagined!!!!
I love the new me and I know that you love who you have become from DBing.
I DO love the man I have become..... I am so much better than before....
I don't know if things are going well for my XH and the OW. On the surface yes, but they've just been married a year. The kids say they bicker about small stuff a lot and XH is feeling stress from not having "enough" money. That was a complaint in our marriage - that we fought (mostly about OW, but whatever) and our finances were not on solid ground. Now he's gotten out of our marriage but has the same problems (worse financially than we had it) - go figure?!
It will be interesting to see how time affects them. The WAS, in my case at least, got exactly what he claimed he wanted and was positive would make him happy. Whether he admits it or not, I don't think the quality of his life has improved. I'm sure he can name things that he likes "better" about OW - they are still in the newlywed stage - but when you weigh that with the damage and hurt caused to the kids, and add the stresses of dealing with ex-spouses, stepchildren, and financial support orders - I just can't imagine that in the final balance his life is "better" now than when we were together. Better than when we were fighting in the last months together, sure, since that amount of conflict was off the charts and unusual for our relationship - but not better than most of our 15 years together.
Maybe he would disagree and living with OW is worth it all to him - but on the surface he's just created a whole new set of problems for himself.
I'm friendly with a lady in her 60's whose H left her for OW 20 years ago. His 2nd marriage failed after 3 yrs. She never remarried, and now she and her XH get together (friendly only) for dinner and movies, and talk daily. The kids are completely grown and independent so this is just them rediscovering what they liked about each other. She says it never would have happened had he stayed with the OW - it would have been too painful and difficult for them to speak to each other.
I think that is cool!
I'm friendly with a lady in her 60's whose H left her for OW 20 years ago. His 2nd marriage failed after 3 yrs. She never remarried, and now she and her XH get together (friendly only) for dinner and movies, and talk daily. The kids are completely grown and independent so this is just them rediscovering what they liked about each other. She says it never would have happened had he stayed with the OW - it would have been too painful and difficult for them to speak to each other.
I think that is cool!
VJ39,
It is good they are rebuilding their R. Overall, I see this as profoundly sad. It is yet another case of someone’s selfishness negatively impacting several people. I wonder if he could go back, would he leave again? I also wonder if he had not left M for OW where they would be now? It seems to me they lost twenty years...
RMG
Having updated myself with many of the replies in this thread... seems conclusion is the same... Simply changing spouses does not seem to have much probability of success.
My XW's OM's kids (who live p/t with them) claim that their Dad acts like a little go-fer for my XW. Everyone observing situation thought it was an odd combintation... even her own parents who to their credit have moved to mature acceptance of the situation.
Frankly... in the view of many... he humiliates himself by tripping all over himself to please her. He shows preference to her over his own kids. She completely rules the roost and he won't stand up to her.
To some degree, I presume this is what she wanted. An @ss kisser who would do her bidding. He figured he would be sporting a little trophy wife on his arm... so it seems anyway. Yet the evidence suggests a lot of tension and unhappiness.
Whatever. I just want to protect my kids in all of this.
Oh ya... my D14 is great pals with my girlfriend of the past 2 years. She has really opened up to her and communicates feelings to her. It is a maturely developing friendship. We are taking our time in the R, doing counseling together, and trying to be as wise and practical as we can be. I don't think my kids experienced this on the other side.
Oh well... on we go.
Chaz
I DO love the man I have become..... I am so much better than before....
I hear ya, isn't it great!!!
Chazz,
I have been keeping up with you. I wish you all the best with life and gf; I really think YOU deserve it.
As for your exW, I guess she likes a pu$$y who will be her beck and call boy...... That is something else! I think you may be better off without her......
Take Care,
RMG
Chazz,
Stay stong and keep your head up and what your XW have now won't last! Be nice when she wants you back, you don't have to take her back.
RMG and ShesGr....
Thanks for the encouragement.
Things are getting better... it is a roller coaster though.
See ya on the boards.
Chaz
Just found out that OM is displaying tons of anger around house. Indications are that he does not have the control he expects... my XW isn't putting up with it and his kids are getting old enough that they don't let him be the emotional bully anymore. I am friends with his XW ... daughter came home to her having Dad so angry at daughter, she burst into tears and is in fear of him.
If he pulls any of this sh1t with my kids... he and I will have a man to man.
Sound like a fun household? I wonder how much greener the grass is there?
Just found out that OM is displaying tons of anger around house. Indications are that he does not have the control he expects... my XW isn't putting up with it and his kids are getting old enough that they don't let him be the emotional bully anymore. I am friends with his XW ... daughter came home to her having Dad so angry at daughter, she burst into tears and is in fear of him.
If he pulls any of this sh1t with my kids... he and I will have a man to man.
Sound like a fun household? I wonder how much greener the grass is there?
Lol Chazz,
Whip his @ss if he gets out of line with your kids.
HI!
I thought I'd let you know what has happened in my situation. Ex hooked up with OW exactly 6 years ago. She was married with a son. Both ran around, lying and cheating until they were caught. Ex hadn't planned on being found out - maggot made SURE they were found out. You see - she wanted out of her M. She had hit on several married guys before finding a partner in my Ex. Of course she convinced him he was "EVERYTHING" to her. Yes - her "soulmate".
Now the strange thing is, that after I found out and we separated, he did not want a D. No way! She moved in with him. He tells it that her H and I "forced them to" when we found out. What a joke!
After 4 years, I went for the divorce - final now for 2 years. She had already divorced her H. I have never met this woman, though I saw her at a funeral once. I got out of my car to go in and she jumped out of her car so fast your head would spin. Ran right up my back!!! Very immature and insecure!
In the week of our divorce, she wrote to the editor of the newspaper telling how much my Ex loved her, called him her "fiance" and that they would be married soon. And they did - 2 months later. Wouldn't have been able to if I hadn't given the D. I figured they were both horrible - they should have each other. But that is how we found out about the wedding.
My children were not invited and would not have attended. They refuse to have ANY R with this woman. They were old enough to understand her part in all this.
Are they happy??? Recently Ex ran into my best friend. She asked if he was happy. He said yes. Funny, he is always miserable and angry. All the time. He lies to everyone. Co-workers say he became the nastiest man around when we split. Most people think he is NUTS!
Anyone who can be truly happy in such a situation is not dealing with a full deck. To find happiness at everyone else's expense is not true happiness (my opinion only).
But I think people can convince themselves that they ARE happy. Surely they live with less stress than those of us who have been emotionally turned upside down. Those of us who actually raise our children and deal with the day to day problems of single parenting. And those of us who are living on one income as opposed to their 2.
I believe that my children were God's greatest gift. I believe that getting custody of them and having the R (all the good and all the bad) is what life is all about. To live without is just a facade.
I hate to admit it but despite the fact I am happy in my new life. I have a nice house, good R with the kids and a wonderful new man - not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened and wonder "how could he do this to me"?
I will never know.
So, 6 years later tells me nothing. Maybe it will take forever. But judgement day will come. I'm just not waiting for it.
Barb
In the words of "The Water Boy" as played by Adam Sandler...
"I'm gonna open a can of whoop-@ss on ya!"
Or, in the words of fictional radio personality Roy D. Mercer,
"How big an ol' boy are you? Well I'm just gonna have to come down there and whoop your @ss!"
In the words of Chaz,
'you can't under-estimate the value of a good @ss-whoopin'!"
I hate to admit it but despite the fact I am happy in my new life. I have a nice house, good R with the kids and a wonderful new man - not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened and wonder "how could he do this to me"?
I will never know.
So, 6 years later tells me nothing. Maybe it will take forever. But judgement day will come. I'm just not waiting for it.
Barb
Barb,
I have not been in it nearly as long as you have. I keep coming back to the same reason-she was just so self centered she could not even think of anyone else but herself. My exW blazed out when things had really turned the corner and were about to get so much better.....
In the end, it is her loss. Things are going well at work. I am taking my career and education to new heights. I am dating some wonderful ladies.
I hope and pray you find peace and happiness in your new life.
RMG
Thank you RMG:
I wish the same for you. I guess we make our own peace. I think it is easier when there are no more support issues. My CS issues will end soon.
Yes, I'm pretty happy, moreso than with him. Sounds like you are too.
It is still terribly unfair and a burden to bear. But I try to vent it here and not to my kids and friends anymoe. After 6 years - no one wants to hear it I'm sure.
Barb
My MIL last night told me that I look happier now then when I was with my xH. She said she would never dare to tell him that, but she is so happy for me.
My exW blazed out when things had really turned the corner and were about to get so much better.
Same here. For the whole time of our marriage H and I were trying to get to that next spot. We finally did it. Our income was finally where we needed it to be. We got a new house for US. We had enough money to finally start taking vacations. I was in the process of planning a vacation for just the two of us. Something he was wanting us to do for a while but the money was never there.
And then he exited. That whole white picket fence just got built. And he decided to not put that last post on there.
I truly believe it is his loss. Loss really for our whole family.
But he has given up his dream of always being there for his kids and loving the mother of his kids. I am sure eventually he will have to come to terms with that. For now he is happily dating.
Neli
I think a thread-worthy theme has emreged for me here...
Feel welcome to drop by my @ss-whoopin' thread.
Ciao!
Chaz
My MIL last night told me that I look happier now then when I was with my xH. She said she would never dare to tell him that, but she is so happy for me.
My exW blazed out when things had really turned the corner and were about to get so much better.
Same here. For the whole time of our marriage H and I were trying to get to that next spot. We finally did it. Our income was finally where we needed it to be. We got a new house for US. We had enough money to finally start taking vacations. I was in the process of planning a vacation for just the two of us. Something he was wanting us to do for a while but the money was never there.
And then he exited. That whole white picket fence just got built. And he decided to not put that last post on there.
I truly believe it is his loss. Loss really for our whole family.
But he has given up his dream of always being there for his kids and loving the mother of his kids. I am sure eventually he will have to come to terms with that. For now he is happily dating.
Neli
Neli,
I should clarify this a bit. Not only were things really coming together financially, God was really working on me. He really showed me what I needed to do to be a better husband. I was so looking forward to taking our M to the next level. I was looking forward to doing new things-ballroom dance lessons, bowling, hiking, camping and finally making it to Mexico! That never came to pass.
RMG
HI!
Anyone who can be truly happy in such a situation is not dealing with a full deck. To find happiness at everyone else's expense is not true happiness (my opinion only).
Barb
I think you are so right and this is not just your opinion, happiness can only come from within and not from anyone else! That's the problem with people today is that they look to someone else for happiness, instead of finding it within. People will always let you down one way or another, if you have peace that only God can give you will always be ok. His peace is not based on circumstances, but a relationship with Him!
RMG: Some lucky lady will be there to take advantage of all that you have become.
Neli
RMG: Some lucky lady will be there to take advantage of all that you have become.
Neli
Neli,
I am sooooooooo looking forward to meeting her!
RMG
Well it's 2.5 years here since WAW left, 14 months since D was final. OM has been in and out of the picture constantly. EXW is more unhappy now then I have ever seen her in life.( married 15 years)
OM and her have not worked out. His is a spineless looser and she is overly controlling. Our S's can't stand him becouse of many reasons, #1 being that they feel he was partially to blame becouse of the Affair and he has no moral's.
EXW is dealing with her own issues. She is cold, nasty, and aggressive towards me. She left. No abuse, cheating or real reason. She left to be free and explore with OM.
EX is now trying to date others with little luck once they see this new found power play in her life.
I tried to explain to her one time that her problems, troubles, and issues were some of the things she was taking with her.
Me, well I am happy as could be I guess. I am truely angry that I only get to spend 1/2 of my kids life with them. I have to work twice as hard and long to pay the bills. My dreams are on hold for now, and it is all becouse she wanted to see what else was out there... Guess what B--ch.... it's all yours to find and see.
Actually I still love her and care. I want her to be happy, I always did. I just don't want it to be him, he doesn't deserve it...
I think you are so right and this is not just your opinion, happiness can only come from within and not from anyone else!
I have to completely agree with that statement. It took me a while to realize that when I started working on me, and realizing that I wasnt the worthless so and so that he made me feel like. That's when I knew I was happy with me, I wasnt the recluse that I had become when I was with him. The happier I am with myself, benefits not only my life, but the people in it as well.
hellkat,
Good going girl! My WAW made me feel worthless also, nothing I did was good enough for her. "You need a raise, you need to spend more time with me, you need to help more around the house" and I can go on and on. So when I responded to what W told me, that was still not good enough, so she left. I though her leaving was all my fault (well that's what she told me), I believed her for a long time.
When I started working on me, I knew that it was not me, she just wanted to see if there was something better out there (W hit me with that one). But what are the odds of people doing this to someone and expecting good results!?
I know from the man that I have become W messed up big time by walking away from the best thing that she had!!!!
I forgive W for what she has done and I don't hate her, but I don't like her for the person that she has turned into.
Good going girl! My WAW made me feel worthless also, nothing I did was good enough for her. "You need a raise, you need to spend more time with me, you need to help more around the house" and I can go on and on.
I know how you feel. I felt very worthless for a long time. He would set "goals" and then when I met them they weren't enough. Now I realize I needed to set my own goals, which I am doing, and feeling damn good about myself in teh process.
I though her leaving was all my fault (well that's what she told me), I believed her for a long time.
I believed that as well. My STBXH actually told me that I
made him stop loving me. I spent many many nights crying and reliving 20+ years of all the mistakes I made. He told me that he had been working on the M for years, and that it was my fault it failed. Well, I guess if constantly telling your partner all the things wrong with them and all the things they need to do to "make you happy", while never wanting to make any changes in yourself is counted as working on the M maybe he was right. But I am thinking he was wrong!!!
[/quote]
The strange part is at the time, I never saw myself becoming the person I was w/H. I tried to figure out, when did I change? What event took place? When did I go from being me, to being this extention of him and who he 'thought' I was. Why did I not notice then?
Oh well, I shouldnt dwell on it. It's much better and alot more fun noticing who I am now anyhow.
The strange part is at the time, I never saw myself becoming the person I was w/H. I tried to figure out, when did I change? What event took place? When did I go from being me, to being this extention of him and who he 'thought' I was. Why did I not notice then?
Oh well, I shouldnt dwell on it. It's much better and alot more fun noticing who I am now anyhow.
Yep, I didn't realize that I had become someone I didn't want to be until I was out of the situation and started to become me again! And others have noticed it as well. I have run into acquaintances who tell me how great I look and how positive I seem and that is before I tell them H left. LOL. I guess the last few years really took their toll on me!
The strange part is at the time, I never saw myself becoming the person I was w/H. I tried to figure out, when did I change? What event took place? When did I go from being me, to being this extention of him and who he 'thought' I was. Why did I not notice then?
Oh well, I shouldnt dwell on it. It's much better and alot more fun noticing who I am now anyhow.
I know exactly how you feel, I was telling a friend tonight that when W left she took apart of me with her. Now the void that was left was rebuilt into the great man that I am today, thanks to DBing. (not trying to pat myself on the back) But I feel so good about me!
Hi SG !
I think part of what happens is over time we just kick into auto and assume part of the spouse ?
We know them so well.. and our personalities adapt over time.. not just one event or thing that causes this btw.. atleast that is how I perceive it.
Sure makes the alien person that is so different so odd
Regards,
Tom
hellkat,
Good going girl! My WAW made me feel worthless also, nothing I did was good enough for her. "You need a raise, you need to spend more time with me, you need to help more around the house" and I can go on and on. So when I responded to what W told me, that was still not good enough, so she left. I though her leaving was all my fault (well that's what she told me), I believed her for a long time.
When I started working on me, I knew that it was not me, she just wanted to see if there was something better out there (W hit me with that one). But what are the odds of people doing this to someone and expecting good results!?
I know from the man that I have become W messed up big time by walking away from the best thing that she had!!!!
I forgive W for what she has done and I don't hate her, but I don't like her for the person that she has turned into.
Isn't it funny that just about all of them use the same script and end up with someone who makes less money, spends less time with them, and is generally not someone they would ever hook up with in the past.
Isn't it funny that just about all of them use the same script and end up with someone who makes less money, spends less time with them, and is generally not someone they would ever hook up with in the past.
Oh, mine picked one with more money, but from what I have seen she is as self-absorbed as he is, so that should be interesting!!! LOL
Isn't it funny that just about all of them use the same script and end up with someone who makes less money, spends less time with them, and is generally not someone they would ever hook up with in the past.
Is there some unconscious thought process that WAS's have that make them roughly all say the same thing? Or is that a response to the guilt and they have to convince themselves that it was the LBS's fault?
Is there some unconscious thought process that WAS's have that make them roughly all say the same thing? Or is that a response to the guilt and they have to convince themselves that it was the LBS's fault?
Ding, ding, we have a winner. It can't possibly be their fault, they are the poor suffering victim, must be our fault!!! LOL
Ding, ding, we have a winner. It can't possibly be their fault, they are the poor suffering victim, must be our fault!!! LOL
Lol, it's funny but it's also sad that us LBS's are the one trying to figure out what the heck happend to our M and no answers from the WAS's. After 9 months and I still don't have any answers, except that everything is my fault!
[/quote]
Lol, it's funny but it's also sad that us LBS's are the one trying to figure out what the heck happend to our M and no answers from the WAS's. After 9 months and I still don't have any answers, except that everything is my fault![/quote]
Well as long as you accept that it is all your fault you should get along great with all the WAS'!!!
No happily ever after here with xw/om, he's a worm loser that has to constantly smooch her royal WAW behind or get railed on. What kind of happiness could that be? Same old story, they both had extramarital affairs which led to Ds. My blessing was that I got the kids, good kids. Saw her the other day and she wanted to talk "holidays" with the kids, told her that they don't want anything to do with the worm that broke up their family. From the look on her face, think she finally realized she'll not have another T-giving, Xmas, any big moments or contact with her grandkids if OM is still hanging around. Even for an MLCer, that can't be happiness. Made her choice now has to live with it. RJ
No green grass for my EX, she basically left because she didn't feel that I was everything that she wanted in a man and she wanted to find out what else was out there before it was "to late". However I was supposed to wait and give her time and space while she figured this out. She has become a internet dating junkie, I know she has dated dozens of guys but I don't have a clue as to the actual number. So far as I know she hasn't had any relationship last more than a month or two. There has been a couple of times in moments of weakness that she has admitted that she made the biggest mistake of her life by leaving me and she wishes she could turn back the clock and undo all the damage. The rest of the time she says that everything is my fault because I wasn't willing to just sit and wait while she ran around like the county slut. If that makes it my fault, so be it. Some people will always find a way to be the victim no matter what the circumstances.
Lol, it's funny but it's also sad that us LBS's are the one trying to figure out what the heck happend to our M and no answers from the WAS's. After 9 months and I still don't have any answers, except that everything is my fault!
Of course it's our fault - after all we LBS's are very selfish people!!! All this DB'ing and 180's we've tried, forgiving and trying to work on saving the M - and then saving ourselves. Man, we are some evil, evil people with alot of nerve! They should just line us up and shoot us for being so cruel.
LOL!
Of course it's our fault - after all we LBS's are very selfish people!!! All this DB'ing and 180's we've tried, forgiving and trying to work on saving the M - and then saving ourselves. Man, we are some evil, evil people with alot of nerve! They should just line us up and shoot us for being so cruel.
LOL!
That's a very good prospective!
Now that I've found out that my W has a OM, witch sucks. She took him around her family while she's still married. So now I will see how this goes and what happens when the newness of this wears off.
Now that I've found out that my W has a OM, witch sucks. She took him around her family while she's still married. So now I will see how this goes and what happens when the newness of this wears off.
I think it is all so weird. How do they introduce them to their family while they are still married? And how does the OP introduce our spouse as their new relationship? I guess they leave off the fact that their new boyfriend/girlfriend is married. Nice way to start a relationship.....under a cloud of lies.
It shows that she has no class and no respect for her marriage, her family has been jealous of her since we got married, because they've all had bad men and horrible relationships. I was a good man to her and she had everything that a woman could ask for, but she was never content and that was something that she said that she struggled with!
at least we can be the ones who can hold our heads high.
I hope that I can, it's tough. Now that I know for sure, I want to go and beat the crap out of the OM!
I won't do that. but that's how I feel sometimes.
And I also forgot to say that when I found out about the OM I took all of the clothes, shoes, wedding dress and wedding pictures she had left here at the house and took them and put them on the OM's door step!
at least we can be the ones who can hold our heads high.
How are you and how is everything? My XW M the OM also.
Well what an old thread you've bumped up today.
It was a surprise for me to read my earlier posts on this thread.
Just to update you.
2008 has not been a good year for my ex and by default me also.
His new wife has left him on countless occasions. Apparently she can't cope with his mental illness that he only had because he was married to me. She's been trying to get back with her exh but he won't have her. So she goes back to my ex.
It's not been good for my children because they've had to watch this fiasco unfold. It spoiled my son's whole year I think. But now it seems to be an ongoing part of my exh's life they seem to be coping with it much better now.
The official line at the moment is the ex and his new wife are separated.
Personally I think that it's all very sad.
Mojo,
Do not think for a minute that those two are not going to get what they deserve. They left the children behind! Right now that may not seem important to them but as they get older and want and need their kids the kids are not going to be there...yes Karma will get them!
Gigi
My X and his new wife seem happy but I really don't think there's anyway to know. We all went thru so much during the divorce, everyone telling him he was being a fool, I think she could be the biggest B---- in the world and he would pretend he was happy.
I don't see that marriage ending unless she decides it's time to end. Of course in their case their is a green card at stack so she'll hang in there until she's legally done with him and then leave...
Gigi
Well, STBX has been with OW for alittle of a year. But they have broken up about 6 or 7 times, each time he would come back to me. She supposedly was PG and he left her the day she told him to dismiss our D because he was tired of them fighting all the time. She 'miscarried' 2 weeks later. He left again at the end of October to go back to her. They are still together but BIL informed me that his cousin saw STBX on a singles website trying to hook up with BIL's cousin right before Thanksgiving. He's still living with OW. And I'll admit that I saw his profile on the website so I know he is there.
She has hit him on 2 occasions in the past. Her X ran over my STBX's motorcycle the night they met. She called me in October begging me to do something about him cuz he wouldn't leave her alone. And she now drives 45 minutes to my house with him every other weekend to pick up and drop off the kids. That's picking up and dropping them off in the same day. Both as a slap in the face to me and because she doesn't trust him that he won't stay and hang out with me like he did in the past. But his visits are getting longer when he drops them off and she just sits in the car.
So in my sitch...no, the grass is not greener!
mojo - sorry that your kids have had to be in the middle of all that drama...what a mess.
gigi--I agree that my X will make happy faces forever, rather than admit that he made a mistake (and you wouldn't believe what I got "traded in" for!)
Living--I think my X's gf tried to go back to her H a few times over the last year, but was always back with my X. My X NEVER tried to come back or allude to second thoughts. So who knows?
My X and his new wife seem happy but I really don't think there's anyway to know. We all went thru so much during the divorce, everyone telling him he was being a fool, I think she could be the biggest B---- in the world and he would pretend he was happy.
I don't see that marriage ending unless she decides it's time to end. Of course in their case their is a green card at stack so she'll hang in there until she's legally done with him and then leave...
Gigi
LOL I think its funny that these people would endure the worst crap in the world to try to convince everyone that they are happy and made the right choice, but couldn't work on thier marriage. LOL
What's important is that the LBS is able to move on, and find later down the line, that the grass, after a cheating WAS, is a lot greener, and that the WAS actually did them a favour by leaving.
Valentine
I'll ring in here with two comments, one about my ex and one about me.
My ex hooked up with a guy that she had had a crush on when she was 16. He was 24 at the time and her parents would not allow her to "date" him. In the throes of her MLC or whatever the hell it was, she seems to have come to the conclusion that this man was truly her soul mate (I know none of you have EVER heard THAT before, lol).
We were officially divorced in 12/2006. In May of 2007 she decided that she could no longer live 500 miles apart from her soulmate and be satisfied with the occasional weekend together, so she left her job and her two sons (20 and 15 at the time) and moved to Pittsburgh to live with this man.
We were all sure that a wedding was imminent. Yet here we are, December of 2008 and still they are not even engaged. They continue to live together and apparently all is well. But this guy is now 52, never been married, a lawyer, and, well...I find it hard to believe that he's planning on marrying now. But I guess time will tell.
To gain this man, she gave up contact with her sons. Yes, she speaks to them on the phone or through the computer, but she's sees them AT MOST once every couple months. Our youngest is now a junior in high school, plays football and baseball. She saw ONE football game this year, and a couple baseball games last year.
As for me...
I met a wonderful woman shortly after my divorce was final. She too was coming from a situation where her spouse had left. He had been a chronic cheater through their marriage, and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. We met on this very board initially.
I found her to be an incredibly loving and caring woman. Her relationship with her children was one of the things that drew me to her, because she gets along with them so amazingly.
We spent much time talking and getting to know each other. Months after our first conversations, we finally made plans to meet each other in person. While scary and nerve wracking, I think we both were thrilled to find that the physical person was every bit as amazing as the voice we had spent months talking to.
To cut to the chase, Deb and I were married this past June. I live in Indiana, she lives in North Carolina. We maintain a long distance marriage for now because I promised my youngest son that the divorce between his mother and I would NOT cause him to lose the opportunity to finish school and graduate with his friends.
We've got a year and a half before we can live together. But we see each other regularly, our love grows each day. I would venture to say that we spend FAR more time talking to each other than just about any married couple that we know. We talk each morning on the way to work, check in with each other on the way home from work, and spend a couple hours each evening talking before bed.
I love this woman with all my heart. I know that she feels the same way about me. Out of the absolute ashes of two failed marriages, a new marriage has risen up. One of two families joined by love. It's not how either of us saw our future. But we are both blessed and know it.
Is the grass greener?
That's not the real question.
Can a full, happy, blessed life still be had even after the incredible pain of a failed marriage?
ABSOLUTELY.
Blessings,
Bill
Can a full, happy, blessed life still be had even after the incredible pain of a failed marriage?
Yes! It does not matter if you find another partner or not.
That is my focus...simply to have a full, rich, enjoyable, blessed life. A failed marriage only caused me ultimately to focus as much as I could on what I do have and what joy I can find on the journey.
I would not know nor do I really care to know if my ex is happy. I know some details that my kids have told me, that I didn't even ask for...stuff that gets slipped into casual convos with them. All I know is the last time I'd seen him, he was one messed up dude. Drinking very heavily, involved in internet porn, with a woman who was similarly messed up. I had to ask myself: is this what I want to focus on in my life? Wondering if someone like that CAN be happy or if my focus is making my life happy? Um...no brainer decision there!
We split up in 2002, D final early 2003. Nearly seven years into this, and I'm probably a completely different person with a much different life than I'd have anticipated. But that's more than ok. I've been able to pursue dreams, goals, and wants with so little resistance. I can breathe!! And I really mean that...no struggle inside of me that nags me about something being wrong or the constant worry about what bombs were going to drop today.
And yes...Bworl, long distance relationships do work if you have the attitude they can. Experience has told me this
and even though my distance is a mere 65 mi, it's wonderful!! I love it...I have so much personal freedom to throw myself into my work or other activities I enjoy like some volunteer adult tech ed teaching (I sit on a board for a local United Way org), a small handcrafted soap business I run on the side (spent the day at a show exhibiting and selling today and just had a blast), and working late into the night when necessary when I have writing deadlines (oh that professional life does interrupt the fun sometimes LOL). It provides me the room to make my life so comfortable and interesting that when the SO and I are together, I really feel as if there IS room for that and the time together isn't spent because "we are obligated to" but because we really want to be there and are FULLY present..if that makes any sense.
It's interesting reading the different responses in this thread.
It's funny how we change our minds about things.
My exh's new relationship didn't bother me at all once they had moved out of town Before then they lived close to my house and I didn't like that much. Once they moved away I felt much happier. I didn't think much about them at all. And I feel happy with my life.
I got no pleasure out of them separating. But now I feel frustrated. I feel frustrated because their separation is nowhere near as nasty and sordid as mine was. They are much pleasanter about the whole thing and claim to still be good friends.
I never understood why my exh was so abusive to me during our divorce. And now he seems to be getting a friendly divorce second time round it worries me as to why mine was so nasty and vindictive.
I quite liked following this thread. It's a shame people have stopped posting to it.