Hello everyone,
As can probably be said for everyone that shows up here, I wish I could be in a different forum! Ah well, we take what life gives us I guess.
The details of my story can be found in the links in my signature for those that are interested. Briefly, my WAW up and left in mid-October and moved into an apartment. That was the first bomb dropped, and probably hit me the hardest. I have since done much in the way of GAL and I tried to DB my butt off. At several points I truly believed things were changing for her but I was disappointed at every turn.
Through what I call this personal growth period I figured out that following our marriage I sank into a pretty severe depression. I retreated from my W and my marriage. As an aside, my W and I were married in August '05 so the walls came tumbling down fast for us. I was pulling away from my W so much that she really felt alone in the marriage. After several months of this she had had enough and left. I would guess it was a period of 6 months or so that I was at my worst. Add to that the fact that she wanted kids and I (at that time) did not and you get where I am now. She had denied from the very start that there was an OM but I always felt there was in my gut.
Long story short, I found out yesterday that she is seeing someone. No surprise, but man it still was a punch to the gut. I always felt that if I just knew if there was an OM it would make me feel better. See, I needed a reason that all this was happening to me and what I had been given just wasn't adequate. But with an OM in the picture it would answer so many questions. Be careful what you wish for I guess. Now I can't stop thinking about my wife with another man. It's awful.
Upon learning of this new man I asked her who else knew and she toldme no one. I told her that was going to change. Not my finest DB moment but I emailed her mother and let her know what was going on. We have a good relationship and my W's mom and dad have been as baffled by my W's behavior as I have. I told them because they actually suspected it was a possibility as well but dismissed it with 'she wouldn't do that'
Well guess what, she did. Now my wife is claiming that it was 'just one date, only went out for coffee, didn't even kiss him!' But hoe do I believe a sigle word that comes from her mouth? I don't. Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do, right?
Fact is, I believe that if that really was their first date then he wasn't the first guy she's dated since our problems started. Of course up until the latest bomb she had been very adamant about remaining friends throughout this. She realizes now that that is impossible. I now understand that it was only to soothe her own guilt. If we are still friends, then I am okay and she didn't hurt me. Crazy way of thinking...
Anyway, as of now she has informed me that we will have no more communication and she will not be answering any more of my questions because all I ever do is take what she says and throw it back in her face and she's not falling into that trap again. All her words, not mine.
She goes to Vegas for this whole upcoming week for work and she has informed me that when she gets back from Vegas she will be getting our carpets cleaned as well as some of the walls repainted so as to get the house ready to sell. Oh, and she will also immediately be filing for divorce. Another nice punch to the gut for me.
So here I sit waiting to get served.
Hi LFN,
I remember so well being in the place you are now. It's not a fun place to be. You sound as if your close to your family and that's a very good thing. You'll need their support.
You know they say that when someone leaves whether they admit it or not it is usually because they have someone waiting in the wings. Very few people are motivated to leave and be alone.
I can understand that your wife was probably feeling somewhat disillusioned by your depression and you not wanting kids. Still going outside of your marriage was a cop out. You had only been married a short time. Every new marriage has a period of adjustment. It seems as if some people just don't want to do the work. Maybe it was nothing more then that, and perhaps you'll never really know.
The person that you need to worry about now is you. Know that you are a good person who will be happy in time. It's good that you are on this board. You'll get great advice and you'll also see that life does go on.
Bethie
BethM
You really say some amazing things.
"Very few people are motivated to leave and be alone"
I have never seen it put that way, but that is so perfectly succinct the way you phrased it. I think that really speaks to something I have thought about for a while now. Namely, does anyone know of a WAW that did NOT have an OM? Seems pretty tough to find.
"Some people just don't want to do the work."
Just a great line by you Beth, and I think it perfectly fits my W. She chose to run rather than fight for her marriage.
Thank you for your words, I am not looking forward to the next steps in my saga.
I appreciate your reply to me.
I still find myself thinking about her all the time, wondering if she is with OM. I am feeling very scared and alone today.
As a result of the depression I was in while we were still together my W stopped confiding things in me. We didn't really talk anymore, and that is probably when and how I lost her. The frightening thing about that is, since I haven't been that person to her for so long, what in the world would ever bring her back to me? As far as I can tell, nothing
I sit here now and the knowledge that she is gone and is never coming back is just washing over me. The person I was when she left is not someone she would ever look back on and say 'I miss that guy, I want to go back.'
The question is, would she ever truly accept that I had no control over what happened to me (depression) and remember the 'good' me? I doubt it. I think that the four years we were together (only 1.5 years married) have been forgotten by her and replaced by OM. I fear that OM will not make the mistakes I made and will keep her happy forever. And shouldn't that make me happy?
Right now that doesn't make me feel better, because it would also be a constant reminder that I failed her as a husband.
I will not blow smoke up your butt. You took a big blow and it sucks big time. I have been there and I think I know how you feel.
You have a right to feel that way so let it all out.
I can promise that the sun will come up soon but the storm needs to run its course.
Strength and Honor. I can post an email if you need to talk off board.
Thank you Jeff, I was really hoping that you would reply. I feel like I am in a very bad place right now. It's like I said, I wanted to know but I didn't understand how much pain there would be. I thought I was ready for it, but I learned that you're never ready for that kind of news.
My W called me today. I was at a hockey game with my dad so I didn't get the message until I got back home a while ago. She left a vmail basically expressing that she was sorry we got in such a big fight on Friday (the day I found out about OM).
I just now returned her call, and not surprisingly there was no answer. Of course, armed with my new information I now have the luxury of imagining why she didn't answer the phone. Is she with him? What are they doing? Is he touching her? You know, all the fun stuff. I know that that kind of thinking will eat me alive if it continues, but how do you possibly stop it?
Thank you for the offer of your email address. I think I'd really like that.
jbg223 at knology.net
Anytime.
You in a bad place? Yes. Will it get worse? Yes.
Did you not see my claw marks and my blood on the wall when they threw you in the cell?
It sucks does it not??? Dark and damp.
Our wonderful wives. Imagine how they have us by the balls. Who would have thought?
Well I still promise the sun will come up soon.
For now, feel the pain.
Then we need to work on you. But not now.
I will say one more thing. I consider myself a very strong guy. I will share this with you - the thought of ending it all entered my mind more than once. I have a mentor here - an outstanding man, the model of a true man - but he told me the same thing; he had the same thoughts. If that thought crosses your mind and you cannot shake it - get help. Enough said. As the ad says if you already sent in the payment, please ignore this reminder.
I am asking you to trust me. You have been given a wonderful gift.
Strength and Honor.
Gee LFN,
I know that right now you are in the worsy part of this journey, and I also know how great the pain is, but please know that you have friends here who want to help.
This is certainly no walk in the park and there is no quick fix, but I can promise you that when you've worked through the grief and pain you will find happiness once again.
You know, when I was going through this and at my absolute worst I had to keep telling myself that this was all happening for a reason and eventually I would understand, and now I totally do!
Take care...............
Bethie
Jeff and BethM,
Thank you both SO much. It feels so good to have people here that understand what I am going through and know the kind of pain something like this causes.
I am getting this wonderful side benefit from this ordeal, which is that if I wake up early in the morning my thoughts immediately go to her with 'him' and falling back asleep just won't happen. I'll have to remember to thank her for that.
I start a brand new job on May 1st, and I need to have it together by then. At least, I need to be in a better place than I am now.
Jeff, my wife always was a lousy gift giver. Not sure how this latest one could be considered great, but it would be a first for her. Kinda ironic I guess.
Thought about it today, and I do not hate my W. Parts of me wish I could as I think it would make the 'moving on' part easier. I need to see her more as the person that gave up on a marriage and is cheating on me than the person that I proposed to.
Also need to find a way to get thoughts of W with OM out of my head. Not sure there is a way, except for letting time pass. That sounds like a lousy option right now.
I know this sucks. It is so hard to endure. You definitely need to think in terms of you. The busier you keep yourself the less time you have to think about what your W is doing. I'm sorry you are going through this. Wish I had some decent advice, but what it takes is a tincture of time and a hefty dose of GAL.
Just_Me,
Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it. Yeah, better times have to be ahead, right? Just how FAR ahead though is the unknown.
I actually can't wait for my new job to start. It should keep me sufficiently occupied so that I simply won't have much time to worry about W or what she is doing (and with who).
Meeting a whole new group of people there is also going to be good for me. I am in a rut in my current job, so this will all be good.
Congrats Lfn,
You're so right this new job couldn't have come at a better time for you. Right now you have wayyyy too much time to think, but a new job will challenge you, and new friends may open up a whole new world. It's all good.
Thanks Beth, I appreciate you stopping by!
Only bad part I see about the new job is that no one there knows of my situation. They know I'm married, but they don't know that I will not be in the very very near future.
Hoping that it doesn't affect things negatively there. Desperately want to make this new job part of my GAL and PMA. Also hoping (?) that the D will not be far into the future and W does not drag her feet. Since we are where we are, she has clearly moved on. No need to prolong anything anymore, and I hope she sees it that way.
I will be operating under a bit different set of rules from now on I think. I love my W, always will. I also know that she is in a completely different place than I am. I need to allow that to be, instead of fighting it so hard. It takes too much out of me, and really slows my progression to a halt.
Dealing with her OM is tough, but she is doing what she wants to do and I need to keep repeating that to myself. Therefore, I need to be doing the same.
I know that feels true. And you are like everyone that says you will always love your Ex. Personally, I know that isn't true. Love dies. A time comes when you wonder how you were even married. A lot of divorcees reach that point. That's how they are able to move on to new marriages. Not all of them are completely over their ex, but a lot of them are. You'll find better love. You won't need to carry an unreciprocated love around anymore. It does get better.
I know that feels true. And you are like everyone that says you will always love your Ex. Personally, I know that isn't true. Love dies. A time comes when you wonder how you were even married. A lot of divorcees reach that point. That's how they are able to move on to new marriages. Not all of them are completely over their ex, but a lot of them are. You'll find better love. You won't need to carry an unreciprocated love around anymore. It does get better.
I think you are probably correct. I have made some bad choices in my life. This is my third relationship that has ended with my significant other finding someone else. Only the first time I was married however. In each of the first two cases, I had a new girlfriend even before the old relationship was over. I see now that I hadn't healed, nor had I fixed any of the issues that resulted in the first two women cheating on me.
I am going to break that trend now. Took me long enough, but I see now that I must look inside and see what I was doing that caused these things to happen. Then, I must fix them in order to be in a place that I am ready to enter a new relationship. I took each relationship that I was in for granted, and I paid the price each time.
This is where I draw the line though. From here forward, I will be a different man. I will not do it to save any relationship or for anyone to notice and pat me on the back. I will do it for me, and because if I want to be happy in a relationship again it needs to be done.
Getting to your point Just_Me (finally!), I don't ever think about those other two girls, even though I thought I would at the time it happened. So, I guess you are correct. My hope when I one day look back on all of this is that I am looking back from a happy place, in a wonderfully rewarding relationship with someone who I appreciate every single day and who does the same for me.
Even so, I still don't know that what I will feel toward my STBXW will ever be
hate. At that point, it would just be a waste of my energy.
No, not hate. There isn't any reason for that. Think of this as a difference of opinion. She thinks it's right to leave you and find someone else because it wouldn't work with you. You happen to disagree. Of course you are right...but she thinks she is to. Maybe someday she'll recognize that her actions weren't the right ones, but there isn't a reason to hate someone that has poor judgement. Maybe more like pity
I agree, but it's more than that for me. I would amend one sentence you wrote...
"She thinks it's right to leave you and find someone else WHILE SHE IS STILL MARRIED because it wouldn't work with you."
Yeah, I'm still quite bitter about that one. However, whether it's because she is out of town for business (probably) or because I have suspected OM for so long, I feel better than I did a few days ago. It'll all go down the drain of course the next time I see her, but for right now I'm okay. And that's something at least.
PS. Did I post to the wrong forum by mistake? Should I be in the infidelity forum??
I still find myself thinking about her all the time, wondering if she is with OM. I am feeling very scared and alone today.
As a result of the depression I was in while we were still together my W stopped confiding things in me. We didn't really talk anymore, and that is probably when and how I lost her. The frightening thing about that is, since I haven't been that person to her for so long, what in the world would ever bring her back to me? As far as I can tell, nothing
I sit here now and the knowledge that she is gone and is never coming back is just washing over me. The person I was when she left is not someone she would ever look back on and say 'I miss that guy, I want to go back.'
The question is, would she ever truly accept that I had no control over what happened to me (depression) and remember the 'good' me? I doubt it. I think that the four years we were together (only 1.5 years married) have been forgotten by her and replaced by OM. I fear that OM will not make the mistakes I made and will keep her happy forever. And shouldn't that make me happy?
Right now that doesn't make me feel better, because it would also be a constant reminder that I failed her as a husband.
Hi Lfn,
I could have written some of that myself, having had the same feelings. Booze got me, but now sober for about 8 months and addressing the underlying issues. What's frustrating to me is being such a different person now, in a lot of ways everything she said she wanted. But it doesn't matter at this point, at least as for as 'us' is concerned. We can never go back to what was, but only hope to create a new and better relationship.
... I have made some bad choices in my life. This is my third relationship that has ended with my significant other finding someone else. Only the first time I was married however. In each of the first two cases, I had a new girlfriend even before the old relationship was over. I see now that I hadn't healed, nor had I fixed any of the issues that resulted in the first two women cheating on me.
I am going to break that trend now. Took me long enough, but I see now that I must look inside and see what I was doing that caused these things to happen. Then, I must fix them in order to be in a place that I am ready to enter a new relationship. I took each relationship that I was in for granted, and I paid the price each time.
This is where I draw the line though. From here forward, I will be a different man. I will not do it to save any relationship or for anyone to notice and pat me on the back. I will do it for me, and because if I want to be happy in a relationship again it needs to be done.
Yep. #2 for me. This time I'm taking the time to properly heal, figure out and fix my deficiencies. There is a small comfort in knowing that we responded in the absolute healthiest way we could. 15 year marriage for me, so the plan is to wait at least 15 months before even
thinking about getting into another relationship.
It takes a lot of pressure off too, to not feel like I have to compete with her for 'who has the best new mate.' Not that I want anyone else. In a lot of ways, she was everything I would have ever wanted. In my case, it'll take a lot more time to get over the feeling of regret, and self-loathing for losing her.
drbty,
Thanks for checking in and replying, it is appreciated.
Like I said, I've been feeling better the past couple days but I know it's a rollercoaster and the ride isn't over yet unfortunately.
By any measure of my relationship, I should already be at the point of being ready to meet someone new. We have been married only around 1.5 years and together for just over 4, so if you take 1 month for every year together that should do it. BUT, I believe that I didn't ENTER the relationship 'whole' and so for me I am allowing more time. I think it's clear my W doesn't think she had much of a part to play in our problems since she has found someone new and deems herself ready to enter another relationship.
Not sure what you mean by feeling like you don't have to compete with her for who has the best new mate. I guess two questions. First, from your sig it appears you don't have a lot of contact with her. If so, how would you or she know who the other's mate was? I ask this question because my W used to be very adamant about wanting to 'remain friends' which is probably her trying to ease her own guilt. Barring that though, I would never know who her new mate is or if she's happy. Same goes for her.
Second, even if you did find out, why the need to compete? I hope to get to a point where I am happy that she is happy and couldn't care less what she thought of the person I am with. Truthfully, I don't see myself ever at a point of being happy that she is happy because it will only serve as a reminder that I failed her and someone else is better for her than I was.
So I really think I am going to move my thread over to "infidelity" because it fits it better at the moment. I am also quite certain that I will be back here soon enough given my W's current plans.
I want to thank all of you who have contributed to my thread, it has been very helpful.