Chapter 21 - Condo to close next week

TMW,

I've never posted to you, and I'm just hoping to goodness that you can see my intent through a post that I'm going to find difficult to write. I have been reading your thread for quite some time, though I do admit that I haven't been on in several weeks and had to catch up here today... I don't know why, because your thread has always made me sad.

Not because of what has happened to you, but because of the poor choices you seem to make that keep you stuck in a sea of negativity and one where you don glasses that allow you to see yourself as someone unworthy of more in life.

Dreams are no different than wishes, dear. They are wish lists for losers as long as there is no action that turn them into goals. So what are you going to do about turning ONE of these into goals?

You call them different directions, but I see a very lonely woman who is desperately throwing herself out there hoping someone else will find value in her... and throwing opportunities her way. The problem with this approach is twofold: 1) There are way too many opportunities for distractions; and 2) They don't represent your passion.

Um, what passion? Let's talk about that for a moment.

TMW, let's talk about this dream of working with dolphins. I have a few marine biologists in my family, so I can understand this desire. My own D12 has always had the same dream. The difference between you and her is that she's already researched the universities that offer degrees and career paths to marine biologists (in addition to those who will also offer her volleyball scholarships), and she also is VERY aware that it will require an advanced degree or doctorate to get the dream job she wants. Know that to become a trainer, the requirements are equally as competitive and stiff. So my dear, if you really want to turn this dream into a goal, you're going to have to identify the steps you need to take to get you there. This is going to require a drastic change in how you think and see yourself.

If you were my daughter--and you're young enough to be mine--I would offer you a hug and some really hard nudges. Barbie, 2ndchances, qoe and the rest of the moms here have been saying to you all along that you deserve better--and I haven't had to post to you because they've all said what I'd be saying.

So why is it that you refuse to see yourself in that light? I see only one big glaring problem here TMW. You act and think in a fashion that keeps you stuck and unhappy. You choose the path of least resistance... and not because I think you want that path. But you feel you don't deserve better.

You're moving on from a D that you didn't want. Heck, that alone makes me sad for you because I know what that looks like. But for 99% of us here (and 100% of the women who have posted to you and this now includes me), it's like being given a second chance to do things better. I can finally list at least 10 things that make me extremely grateful I'm exactly where I am. No, I'm not in a post-D R, so please know that I am not rosy because I have a guy in my life.

I'm choosing not to, TMW. For the first time in my single life (and I'm 44), I feel free to do the things I want without consulting anyone. I'm able to make good decisions for myself and KNOW that they will bear fruit... if not immediately, then down the road. I'm a whole lot more patient than I was at 24. And that's just stuff I learned because I've been on the planet longer than you have. You'll get there too.

HOWEVER, I can't ever remember thinking the depressing thoughts you did. I may not have wanted to believe good stuff about me, but I always had a career direction. Even when I derailed my train to med school, I took the downtime necessary to rethink where I wanted to be. And then I made it happen.

What bothers me the most about your half-empty approach is that you seem to be living your life by default. By just waiting to see what others do or offer you before you act. I'd love to ask why you would choose something so desolate and demeaning, but I honestly don't think you can see your sitch from that POV. That's why I'm pointing it out to you now.

You're a young woman, and from all accounts here, you have so much potential and opportunity to achieve something for yourself. The big question is, will you leave these leeching attachments behind so you can see yourself as a half-full person with gifts and talents just waiting to emerge if given half a chance?

STOP SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND DISAPPOINTMENT! You're allowing that infernal loser BF to drag you down and keep you there. He's not adding to your life, TMW. Every single post that you've made (ever since I can remember) has identified some misgiving you have about this person. Get rid of him! He's not allowing you to be the best you that you can be. So clean house.

If you were my daughter, I'd sit down with you and literally force you to list 3 things that you want from life--without considering all the reasons why you might not be able to have them. (That's such a fatalistic approach!) Then we'd go over what steps are necessary to reach those goals. Note I did not say dreams. I said goals. Goals are wishes/dreams with action tied to them.

I'd ask you to research what it will take to achieve those goals and we'd break the actions into digestible chunks.

For example, if paying down debt is high on your list, what are the things you can do to help reach that goal AND stay realistic? That is, don't eliminate your goals or delay them because you have a pickle that you need to work through. Find a way to do both. And I can promise you that when you start making progress on them, you're going to feel a whole lot better about yourself.

I'd also ask you to find a female mentor. Someone who can help you stay accountable to your list and to help you rework goals that change.

Have you ever heard of Cheryl Richardson? She has a website, and she has a button to link you to local groups of women who can do just this. Find one! Find a group of supportive women who can be your true friend... to help you rework your confidence and esteem issues and help you turn your life around.

Quit allowing other people to tell you how you should live.

BTW, I have to agree with 2ndchances about your admonishment at work a few weeks ago. Pay attention to her post, because as a female executive (I'm #2 in my company), she's dead on. Use this knowledge and put it to work for you, TMW. This woman may be all the bad you say and more, but as an outsider, I'm here to say that she's your gift with a silver lining.

Her message is this: It's obvious that this isn't your passion and it's time to start thinking about who and what you want to be when you grow up.

So... what do you think? Do you want to stay here and posting all your troubles and never changing your story? Or do you want to use your support here as a spring board and coaching opportunity to find good in this life?

If you choose the former, I'm going to be very disappointed. I don't even know you, and I feel a well of compassion for you because you don't seem to see all this icky stuff as the wake up call you need to go somewhere in life. You DO deserve more, TMW. But in order to get more, you have to believe it.

What do you think?

Betsey

Well TMW, I guess it's my turn. I too am old enough to be your mom. I stopped posting to you because it appeared to me that you didn't want to change. Yet everything is working out for you really to do just that. It's totally up to you.

Believe me, I was once just like you. I thought I could figure everything out by myself. I thought I had lived so much at such a young age that nobody had anything on me. But in reality TMW, I knew very little. I still don't know everything and I never will. But I do know more now than I did 20 years ago, or even 5 for that matter. Hell, let's make that 2!

I'm from Youngstown, so I know what kind of girls we breed in northeast Ohio. I have myself, my sisters, cousins, neices to look to for that answer. We tend to get 'er done. We're self-starting, dependable girls. I've had no problem climbing the ladder and I live in the south where the good ole boy mindset usually rules. TMW, the good ole boys call me for answers. Cause I'm a product of a catholic-schooled, northeast Ohio mindset - so I know exactly where you are coming from. I also know that you can do whatever you wish if YOU do something about it. We can't depend on others to do it for us.

You have so much going for you. The path you choose to take now can be the most important thing you do in your life. THAT is why we are all posting to you now. We know.

As far as others living what you've lived, believe me, others have - and more. I have. I've been D'd twice. I was very young the first time. The 2nd time threw me for a loop. One thing you know nothing about is being threatened with someone trying to take your kids away. I have to say that you should count your lucky stars that you don't have babies on your hips to take care of. Most people in your position do, and believe me that will change a dream into a nightmare real fast. Lots of people have been through lots of bad things. Think about having a sick or disabled child to take care of. You're healthy TMW - some people are not. You have much, much, in your favor.

Some people go on forever blaming. Some change their circumstances. How you choose to respond to that makes what happens in your life - good or bad.

The way I see it you have two choices:

You can keep on the track you're on and follow BF down to Florida knowing that you supported him in Cleveland. You can continue to wonder why everything doesn't turn out the way you wish and keep wondering what's in other people's heads. You can continue to try to make your happiness through other people, stay at jobs you don't love, stay in debt, and tread water forever. You'd be surprised to find how time does really fly and ten years will be gone. You can turn into your mother.

OR - you can make a plan to change. You can say adios to BF and let him grow up or not. That is his choice to make. You can move in with your stepdad, pay everything you make down on your debt, get out of it, and then the world can be your oyster. Without that debt, you will be freed from having to work where you don't want to and your dream can actually be something you can achieve. But please, take one dream at a time. Dream to get out of debt and you can. Dream to work with dolphins, and as long as that is something more important than anything else, you may. But I will caution you here - I have a firend who is a marine biologist and can't find a job. He now makes custom furniture. Go figure.

Nothing worth having is achieved without some pain TMW. I went back to night school with two babies at home. I don't know how I did it, but I knew I had to in order to achieve my goal. I had a full-time job and an H who golfed all weekend. I slept 5 hours a night and weighed 105 pounds. At 5'6" - that was skinny. But I had a goal and I did it. Thank God. Because now I'm self-supporting.

In the end, we have to happy with ourselves before we can ever be happy with someone else. Dreams are good, as long as they're achievable. Anything is achievable as long as we're willing to sacrifice to get there. Take one at a time. It's all up to you.

Please listen to these women TMW. They have your best interests at heart. It's so easy to get angry and discount whatever they say. It's harder to really listen and take something away from it. The reason we post to you is we do understand. We were once you.

TMW, me and my boys will be in Cleveland one day during the 3rd week of June to see the Indians play a game. I would love to meet you and have a talk if I can.

TMW,
Glad to hear you've gotten moved and all.

It seems your mom has made the choice to put up with her fiancee's bad behavior. Hopefully, she'll "get it" and not end up married to him.

I really hope things are looking up for you.

Things are getting there.

Last night I left a note for the boss man at Borders explaining that summer is the busy time at my full time job, therefore more opportunity for overtime - so I will drop down to being more "on call" for now.
I have so many boxes to go through and organization.

I am so tired. Working till 11, then a 20 minute drive home. Then I have to spend time with the dog and shower and relax before I can go to sleep.

Talked to BF's mom last night. I told her her son needs to open up and talk about things. She said she knows, he's just down about having to fix the truck and having no job. I told her the problem is he doesn't do anything to change it. She just said hopefully he will.
She offered to watch my dog when needed.

Oh, I'm finding I can use DB techniques on the R with BF much better by not living together. I don't call him, I wait for him to call me - let him wonder. GAL (not a bunch since we only moved out of the condo Friday, but you know what I mean).

Hi TMW!

Glad you are settled. Now you can put it all behind you. You will feel great in the coming weeks!

20 min is not much of a commute - many people live much further away. And aren't you glad you come home to a dog and not kids. Many people work 2 jobs and come home to have to be perky and take care of twins! Stop whining. That's nice that your BF's mom will help with the dog, though.

As for BF - why bother DBing him? Is her really worth it? I think he'd have to make all the effort and prove himself. I wouldn't waste another ounce of energy on him.

And I would keep my job at Borders to continue paying down that debt - at least until my scheduled SHOWED that I would have overtime hours coming. You thought you might even lose that job. Make sure you have something to hold on to - don't throw it all away.

Good stuff about moving to Step Dad's though. I think his stopping by your room to make sure you were comfortable was a thoughtful gesture. Not sure why you took it otherwise.

Remember, TMW - the way to enjoy life is to stop seeing the glass as half empty. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make today count. And be happy.

Barb

Hi TMW. I hate to see you give up your hours at Borders, on the possibility of overtime at the other job. (especially til you get your review, and feel secure in that job). Maybe you should hang on to the hours at Borders until overtime actually materializes?

Sounds like an interesting talk with BF's mother. Her attitude about the changes he needs to make as an adult... well it seems so "whatever"? It supports what you have said, about her being part of the problem. She seems to just make excuses for him. How sad.

I can see where DB type things would be much easier now that you live apart. This will force him to either share the work of the relationship-- or make it clear that he is not doing so. Either way, you are in a great position to get your own life, chart your own course.

I know what you mean about needing to wind down. I actually use my drive time for that. My commute is a bit longer than yours, and I often use it to chat on the phone with family or friends-- sort of making good use of the time. Or I can crank up the music and just enjoy it. When I get home, the cats want some attention though. Even if I get home at 2-3 am, I can't really go right to bed/sleep. They want some lap time, some petting, some interaction. Otherwise they will keep me up during the night to get thier attention.

Yesterday it was 100 degrees here, record setting. My AC was struggling to keep the house comfortable, and I spent quite a bit of time out during the heat of the day, hosing down the horses and making sure they did not get overheated. They still have not totally shed out to summer coats, this kind of heat is not something they are used to this early in the year.

Does your SD have a garage? Maybe you can sort through your things, unpack what makes sense, and put the rest in storage in the garage?

With Borders - it isn't just the possibility of overtime at the full time job.
It's the hours (I can't tell you how tired I am from working till 11 last night). After letting the dog out and playing with him, and taking a shower and talking to SD - I didn't get to bed until around 1.
And the dog woke me up around 5 all excited and wanting to play since he had to sleep so much yesterday.

But, cutting back at Borders to being on call or just 1 weeknight and maybe 1 weekend day - I can organize boxes a bit at a time. I can relax a bit.

Yes, BF's mom's attitude is very much - whatever.
She plays into it. She gives her son's money to go out and do things - instead of forcing them to get jobs or even pay them for work around the house.

I'm not really needing to put forth effort to DB. Not really thinking about it. I'm so "busy" relaxing and organizing, I don't really think about it.

100 degrees? WOW. I'm just happy when it is around 60 here in the Cleveland area.

SD does have a garage - problem is he has it PACKED with stuff. I'm not even making it sound worse than it is. There is 1 pathway on the right side inside the garage and it gets you down 1 side and in part of the back of the garage.

But he wants to clean it out and get rid of a lot.
I want to have a garage sale, he doesn't want to deal with the hassle and headaches. (which makes me glad, because if he wanted to have one, his mom would get involved and that's a whole nother story) But since BF and his brother are cleaning out their garage and they seem to be in elimination mode, as is their mom - I told them I will be having a garage sale if they want to have stuff in it.

Have to wait for nicer weather, less chances of rain.

Your SD sounds like my mom-- WAY too much stuff. I went to take care of her after her stroke, and was cleaning out stuff like a mad woman. She agreed we could have a yard sale. I did get rid of a good bit-- but also caught her sneaking things back into the house. She thought I was selling the stuff too cheap.

The good part is, she promises not to die til her house and papers are in order, so that I won't have to deal with the mess. This makes me think I'll have her around for a long long time

If you can pay down your debt without working as many nights at Borders, then maybe reducing your hours there will work out. I just know that the BEST thing you can accomplish while living with SD is to stablize yourself financially, and cutting back on your income is counterproductive to that goal. Maybe an arrangement where you work 3 nights, have four off? Even better, make sure that there is one weekend day that you are always 100% off from both jobs.

Speaking of needing to work and earn money, I'd better get off to do some of that!

He still has a lot of stuff from when him and my mom were together and from the old house and the move (they just bought this house July 2004).

Instead of weeding out before they moved or while they packed or while they moved in - they just moved everything & figured they'd go through it later.

I can pay down my debt and not be so tired or stressed. I won't pay it down as fast.
But at the same time, I'm always looking for other jobs - so if I get another job that pays more it could balance out.

My "normal" schedule at Borders has been 3 nights. Monday 6-11, Wednesday 6-11 and Saturday 3-11. 16 hours (they make me take 1/2 hour on Mon & Wed & make me take 1 hour on Sat).
But I used to live so close that I could run home between the full time job and the part time job. Now I don't - so I go straight from 1 to the other and get home really late.
Matter of fact..getting...sleepppppppppppppppppppppp

Hey there, hope your doing well. How's the pup adjusting to his new home?

I'm just sleepy.

Elvis is adjusting, he likes sleeping in a big bed

Forgot - I got the big check yesterday, already.
Had to sign the "final" settlement statement.
The 1 big mortgage is paid off. Waiting for the overpayment and escrow check to come in.
Waiting for the 2nd mortgage to get paid off. Then will wait for the overpayment on that.
Also waiting for the transfer from XH for the for sale by owner costs I accrued.

Then it will be done and he will come into town again and get his name off the checking account.

I will be paying off 3 bills when all is said and done. Then I will be juggling balances around for lower interest rates to pay off the bills as fast as possible. In a few months I might call and try to get a consolidation loan so it's all 1 payment and the debt can get paid off in a set time.

Good job,TMW. It's all "up" from here!!!!

Isn't it fun to get big check???

I'm sure you know this, but check all your cards to see what the interest rate is that you are paying... and pay off the highest interest card(s) first! Interest sucks!

I can't pay off the highest - but I've been debating if I should make a large payment to the highest or pay a little on all or payoff the ones I can.
Which I might just choose the later - payoff the 3 that I can and then focus on paying off the other 3. I have 2 "store" credit cards & 1 "regular" card I can payoff - leaving 3 "regular" credit cards to pay. Of the those 3, there would be 2 with what I would say moderate balances and 1 with a balance that equals the other 2 combined.
Paying $200 or so to each card every month, the smaller 2 would get paid off fairly quickly. Then I could transfer what was left on the larger one to one of the smaller ones or split it between the 2 and get that debt paid off.

Might sound complicated, but it's not too bad. I might be able to get this paid off in less than 12 months.

Or maybe make large payments on the 1 with the lowest apr, minimum payments on the other 2 and as the 1 with the lowest apr is paid down - transfer balances and keep making the large payments.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

If you can completely pay off some of them, then I think you should do it. Then if you could transfer the balances of the others to one card, I think that would be a good idea.

Have you heard of Power Pay? I know someone who used to be deep in debt and they strictly followed this and now own many rental properties and are quite wealthy.

You can do a search on Powerpay or look at this link PowerPay

TMW I am so excited for you being able to pay on your debt. That will feel so good!

Thank you SaraSic - that was a really short, simple, informative ideal.
And turning into power save - that's even better! Although I probably won't put AS much of what I'm paying for the credit card debt into saving - but much of it - same concept.

No matter which way I play it - if I don't use the credit cards (unless there is an absolute emergency of course), I could be debt free in 14 months or less!

EDIT: Actually, I could apply part into savings and pay a bit more to the car and student loan and get those paid off faster.
Also good on those so that when I refinance, it will be a lower payment / month.

Hey TMW - you sound awesome! I'm so happy for you.

You're thinking so rationally now - is it because you can see a way out?

FYI - Student loan interest is usually lower than credit cards, AND is tax deductible - but you probably already know that. Your idea to pay down the highest is probably the best idea, but you are smart enough to figure out what you need to do without us.

I thought the best part of your post was you saying that you already know how fast you can get our of debt. You have plans now. That is SO awesome. You're thinkin' about how to do this. Yes, you can! Yes, you will.

I hear in your posts a positive tone. I applaud you for being positive now. As hard as it was to make these decisions for yourself, you seem to have hit the ground running.

Getting out of debt is the hardest but most rewarding thing anyone can do. It empowers you. It makes you stop treading water and start living your life life you want to. It allows you to live life without paying interest for doing so. Live for you - not those creditors who want you to pay for their lifestyle. It cleans up your credit and makes people WANT to have you as a customer. If you can get out of this in 14 months - what a wonderful thing that is for you.

You go girl!

The reason I suggested that you pay down the highest interest loan first, is that it's costing you the most. For every $1000 of debt, you end up paying $1010 per month at 12% interest, or $1020 per month if you are at 24% interest. So for an example, if you have $3000 on a card that charges you 24% interest, you are paying $60 a month just for the interest. ($720 a year) So if you got rid of the balance on the 24% account, you'll get out of debt quicker, since more of your monthly payments are going to paying down your balance, rather than the interest. Usually the department store cards have the worst interest rates. The big cards like Mastercard, Visa, Amex, only charge you high interest if you've had a couple problems on your payments. Then they can get pretty bad.

Financial gurus basically seem to offer two different approaches to paying down the credit cards:

Approach 1 says to do as Second Chances says - pay off the highest interest cards first. All other things being equal, this definitely is the way to reduce the balances most quickly.

Approach 2 says to pay off the smallest balance cards first. Now, this doesn't necessarily pay them off most quickly, if those aren't the cards with the highest interest rates. I imagine the gurus who recommend this figure A) you'll be motivated by seeing individual cards getting paid off early and B) you'll gain a little financial flexibility (for emergencies) by reducing your minimum monthly payments more quickly.

I think there's a third consideration for someone like you, who doesn't have much of a safety net: if your Visa and similar cards are all near their max, you might want to pay one of them down first, so that you have some credit available for an emergency. (After all, you can't charge a major car repair on that Victoria's Secret card, can you?

)

As you can see, the "right" answer for one person might be a little different than the "right" answer for another.

Ellie

TMW,

That's great that you have a plan to get out of debt, then once you're out, that will be awesome if you stay out! WHich I know you can.

I'm glad you have a bigger bed to sleep in, Elvis too.

Thanks your post on my thread, what a ray of sunshine that was!

I'm so excited that I can even look at options to pay off/down debt

Oddly enough - my store cards have lower interest rates than 1 Visa & my Mastercard.
Sears is the card that offered me a balance transfer at 5.99 until it is paid off. I'm sure after I pay that off, I'll get another similar offer.

Like I said, it's a huge juggling act.
I think I'll pay off the Sears, pay off the computer (dell) and pay off the other, smaller visa. Then do minimum payments on the other visa and the mastercard and do large payments to my american express.
As I pay down the american express, I will transfer balances from the visa and mastercard to it.

Then after that is done, I will make a little bit larger payments to my car and student loan - and put money into savings.

Bf took the dog yesterday when SD came home. SD called me, I called BF and BF went and picked him up. That way Elvis didn't have to stay locked up in the kitchen alone for 15+ hours. He had fun with BF and BF's mom and brother and dad. BF's brother was telling me how their mom was holding the dog and was on the swing on the back deck - and they both fell asleep.
They were also telling me how BF was in their boat (it's small and was in the drive way while they cleaned it out) - and the dog was crying, so the dog had to be put in the boat with BF.

Then to my surprise, BF brought the dog up to Borders for when I got off work. Him and his brother were going looking for scrap and they figured it would be easier to bring him to me.
How nice. What a change - thinking of someone other than himself

Since him and his brother aren't working right now - they are getting a ton of work done cleaning out their garage and then they will clean out their basement and attic and rooms.
I'm very shocked at both of them - and their mom - for cleaning out and throwing away.

I revised my note the boss man at Borders - asking for maybe 10 hours a week. 1 weekday night and 1 weekend day. Because last night I was told that you work 2 or more days a week or you are just contingent. And you have to work X number of hours a month to be eligble for gift cards if the store gets them as a reward for high sales.

I have so much organization and elimination to do.
I have cleaning and laundry to do.
I just don't know where to start - on the organization and elimiation I mean

Had a surprisingly pleasant conversation with XH.
I called him just to let him know the amount of overpayment on the mortgages.
I had called and left him messages when I got the check, etc to make sure he got his.
I told him I could keep the overpayment and he could pay less in the for sale by owner costs.

Now we have to wait for the escrow to be paid back to us and the overpayments.
He has to wait for the water & sewer final bills to arrive and be paid and he has to show proof and he'll get another $200 back.

I let him know that my mom has his baseball/football/basketball cards. She took them from my stepdad's way back when - 1 day she stopped and SD was upset and down about money and when she spotted the cards, she thought it best to take the out of the house for safe keeping. But she failed to tell me, until she "refound" them recently. So I told XH I'll have them for him next time we meet - to close the checking account.

He asked how things were at Sd's. I told him fine - just wish I had more room, esp. cause SD wants to paint and do work and my stuff is in the way. I told XH that I will be organizing and stuff and if I find anything of his, I will let him know & we will arrange for him to get it.

He said he'd watch for any jobs with his company close to Sd's house. (there is an office that I could walk to, even in the winter it is so close) XH knows someone with the hiring.

It's a beautiful day today, I have some money in the bank.

Now I have to get caught up with work.

Always a balance.

TMW: I'm just heading out for a couple of days - to cottage, then 2 days of workshops. BUT - I wanted to tell you how impressed I am with your new outlook. Your improved positive attitude. It makes a difference. I am happy for you.

I wouldn't suggest working for Ex's company - too many problems. The further you stay away, the less likely you'll get hurt further. JMHO. Nice to see he is pleasant, though.

Wishing you continued happiness. Remember that today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make it count!

Barb

Thanks Barb.

XH works for a very very large insurance company. He works in an office over an hour away.

He was trying to be nice since he knew that the company has a regional office that is RIGHT by SD's.
I can understand some complications though - but if they were to offer me a job with good enough pay, I would seriously look into it.
They have EXCELLENT benefits, they are flexible. I know XH has liked working for the company from day 1. Everyone in the company is just incredible.

But there are no openings - so don't have to worry about it right now.

Hiya TMW,

I just caught up here... took a few days off while my Aussie relatives were visiting for Easter, and now my D12 and I are heading to Dallas after lunch for her 3-day volleyball tournament. I'm a little scatterbrained, to say the least.

Anyway, I just want to commend you for setting some positive and worthwhile goals and sharing your positive ruminations. It looks great on you, so keep up the great work!

I'm also related to people who are serious pack rats. I'm not one, so dealing with too much stuff always makes me a little anxious and a little neurotic too. My mom is guilty as charged, and although she's made some head way in her basement, it's still overwhelming.

BTW, this post isn't to tell you what to do... but just stuff to think about.

A couple years ago, I was busy watching a marathon of "Clean Sweep" on TLC. Pretty much everyone has issues with stuff, but there was one particular episode that had me glued to the set. The host seemed to be going somewhere, and I was still in the early stages of armchair psychoanalysis, so I was obviously interested in what he was trying to say.

Well, the woman of the house was the pack rat. She kept really insane things... all the socks her adult children wore as babies... seemingly "in case someone else needed them". But as the host asked more questions, it became increasingly obvious that stowing the stuff wasn't to give it away, but to hold on to the past. She kept every single stinking art project her kids ever did... just seeing the myriad boxes of that stuff made my head swim. Her husband was near an emotional breakdown by having all the clutter and remnants of the past around. Finally, Peter went for the jugular.

He told this woman point blank that her obsession with storing the past was interfering with her ability to make memories in the present. I can't tell you how much of a lightbulb moment this became for me, but I suddenly realized that my pack rat relatives are suffering from the same syndrome: glorifying the past to the detriment of the present, thereby affecting the quality of the future.

After this episode concluded, I jumped up and promptly threw away about 75 vinyl record albums... I kept about 15 for nostalgic or other purposes. Within 2 hours, my huge garbage can was filled with relics of the past--many which included marital mementoes that were no longer serving any purpose.

Every so often, I force myself to wonder why I choose to glorify things that are plainly routine... or to live the past in my head with too much fondness or affection. (This is usually brought upon because I'm discontented with my present.) I remember that episode of Clean Sweep, take a mental inventory of my role models, and then I literally propel myself to shake off the past and move forward.

Sometimes it's easier than others, but I see the direct connection between tangible clutter and mental clutter. It clearly illustrates that we manifest our inner thoughts in our exterior worlds. If I weren't heading to Dallas this weekend, I'd now be a little more inclined to do some more tossing.

But since you're on a roll with garage sales and other activities of purging what it no longer needed, I'll leave you to it.

Keep smiling and moving forward. You've got so much life ahead of you and I'm hopeful for your future to be filled with joy and peace.

Hugs,

Betsey

Regardless of the exact method and order you choose, for paying off your debt, it's awesome to have a plan and know that you can succeed at it. Getting out of debt is way more important than the exact way you go about it!

Thanks.

And I REALLY can't wait to have the garage sale. Well, first I can't wait to go through all my stuff. It's like rediscovering things.

Then I'll sell stuff and get some money.

My mom found a doll shop that buys dolls - and I have several porcelin (sp?) dolls that I had in the last garage sale that didn't sell.

TMW!!

Everyone is impressed with you and I'm joining in!

I'm also glad that the people in your life are looking for ways to help you out! You deserve it.

I love that you have a middle path with Borders, now you can dig away at your debt and not have too too too much work overload!

I bet the nicer weather is beginning.

Your true character certainly shines through. Trying to give XH his cards etc. What a good soul you are!

Last night I was cleaning in my room. I was going through old medicines, misc. boxes - etc.

First upset was inside a box of toothbrush cleaners (Aquafresh makes tablets you drop in water and put your toothbrush in and cleans it) anyway - XH's wedding ring was in there.
He kept his ring in the closet in the bathroom where all this stuff was - so it's not like he was trying to hide it, and it probably just fell in the box.
But it hurts me that he never noticed he didn't have it, never asked about it.
So now I'm not sure if I should say anything.

Next up - I had a box with misc. pictures, ticket stubs, cards - so I made a seperate box with cards and misc items that were for "us".

Another upset - BF (yeah, what's new?) I called him since he hadn't called me all day. Him and his brother went out on their boat. He didn't have anything to say, didn't ask about my day.
I called him later and asked if he was too busy for me. I think he meant last night - I think I meant on a larger scale. He sounded down or something, but said nothing was wrong. I just told him I'd let him go and talk to him tomorrow (today) or something and hung up.
No caring words, no interest in what's going on, how's life, how work was -- nothing. Of course when I get upset about things like this - other thoughts and feelings start to come up. Like how he made no effort to get anything for me for Easter, or any anniversaries, or Valentine's day. I know the responses you are all probably going to say/write or are thinking - I know.

But the final upset of the night was this. When I moved into to SD's, I put 2 fragile things up in my closet.
A big centerpiece with a special candle from our reception. The other was an expensive figurine XH got me a few years ago from the Disney store of Cinderella and Prince Charming dancing.
Well, while I was at the condo during the winter - SD insulated most of the attic. Accessible only through the closet in my room.

Well, last night I thought I'd take those 2 items off the shelf as part of my cleaning effort.
Cinderella and Prince Charming's arms on 1 side are broken off.
It can probably be fixed and look like crap.

I didn't say anything to SD. I told my mom who said she can try to fix it.

This morning was just sort of an agrivation.
Now, last night I got home after SD. He locked himself in his room probably around 10. He had some drinks and I'm pretty darn sure something was smelling skunky. Didn't see or hear from him for the rest of the night.
Well this moring I woke up and he was gone already.
He drove up on the grass around my car (and the grass is higher than the driveway and he has a full size van).

I sent him a text message that he could have woken me up to move my car or at least ask where my keys were.

His van could have flipped onto my car.

So today, Friday - I'm a bit of a mess.

Stopped on my lunch and got a good chuckle out of that last line.

With Xh - what upsets me is that we had a conversation where we asked each other what the other would do with the ring. He said he was going to hold on to it.
Who knows the last time he seen it.
Like I said - it was PROBABLY an accident that it was in that box.

Should I just hold on to it? Sell it? Offer it back to him?

I'm not pursuing BF.
I don't know if he really realizes how close I am to just giving up on the R completely.
It really hurts that I'm not important enough to him for him to put forth any effort - for a job, to woo me, to wow me, to show that he wants this relationship to work & progress.

The figurine that got broken - See it here

I can't believe XH spent so much. My mom thinks it can be fixed, but it will never look same

I'm more upset that SD didn't say anything versus the fact that it got broken.

He was like this with my mom too though. If something of her's got broken or chipped - he would turn the figurine or hide it. His mom did the same thing - when my parents were moving everyone was helping. 1 picture his mom moved was put in a closet - turned out it was broken.

Romeo Romeo - where for art thy Romeo

My knight in rusted aluminum called. Asked if I was coming over to eat. I asked what was being made - and this man o man of mine gratiously told me that there are 4 left over pieces of pizza if I want them.
I told him I'd just eat at my stepdad's.

I asked what he was up to. He said nothing. Asked if he had plans for the night and he said his brother wants to go to the bar.
I said I had to finish work and call me later or something.

Oh - and my mommy dearest called me all excited.
Last night I told her I wanted to get roller blades.
She calls me, she went to this discount/closeout store by us and found roller skates for me for only 4.99. She left them at BF's house (remember Bf's mom and her work together and are friends).
I asked BF about them - he said they are tennis shoes with the wheels that pop in and out.
Thought that counts I guess

TMW,
Put the figurine, wedding ring, pictures of XH and any other momentos you have from your M in a box. Don't open for 5 years. Trust me, you won't give a rip about any of that stuff by then!!!!

Yes, I agree. Your getting out of debt is planned out, now I'd like to see some baby step listed to get you a bigger social circle.

You love planning and you love lists, so let's see it! Also, shouldn't be too hard to get that book Ellie recommends since you work at Borders!

Good job declining the left over pizza! Geez!

You know, TMW, the pizza thing just brought up some old memories - let me share them with you, as an example of what IS reasonable to expect, even from a broke boyfriend.

I had one boyfriend in college who was a poor graduate student (okay, ALL my boyfriends in college were poor students, but this particular story is about James). He had no car, no money - was one of 13 kids so no help financially from home. But he had a great way of making things happen out of nothing.

Shortly after we met, he found out it was my birthday - and made me a gift of a little stoneware honey-pot he had in his office. (I used it for years, and thought fondly of him every time, even though it was a "second-hand" gift). He almost always showed up at my door with flowers - picked from neighbors' yards on the walk to my house. Our first real "date" was when he invited me to a free concert of Peruvian flute music in one of the dorms on campus - which I still remember as one of the coolest concerts I've ever been to. And he cooked for me at his house - cheap funky hippie food, like a zucchini quiche with grated zucchini (people who grow it in their gardens here give it away for free because it grows too well).

Anyway - it was an ill-fated romance that never really got too far for other reasons (although I carried a torch for him for quite a while). But just thinking about how he didn't use his poverty as an excuse not to woo me, and how special his little gifts and efforts were to me, just makes me realize how much you are missing out on.

Don't make excuses for him. He could pick some flowers from the neighbors yard, bring that pizza over with a $3 bottle of wine, take you out for a walk or make plans to go to some free event on the weekend.

Ellie

Maybe your SD did not break Prince Charming. Perhaps it broke spontaneously when your prince charming cheated on you. That makes sense.... Ya know, keeping gifts from an ex is sort of iffy in the first place, but once they break, let it go.

His ring? Of course he said he'd hang on to it when you asked him. He was married to you, he couldn't help but know you well enough to know that any other anwswer would hurt your feelings and lead to a big scene from his persepctive. But those rings were promises, promises he broke a long time ago. Throw it in the yard, sell in on ebay (you might get $50) but clearly it no longer represents a promise or bond. Don't take ownership. This is not a new issue... it's just another little peice of the real issue, in which he left you and the marriage. Once he did that, the ring not being important was a given.

I know these incidents sting, I went through many myself. Just remind yourself, these are just little bits of the real issue, which is that he left you. He lied, he cheated, he broke his vows. Once they do that, it's a certainty that you will also find they don't wear a ring, don't keep their ring, have other women, marry other women, yadda yadda yadda. And perhaps if they bought you a Prince Charming statue, then prove they are anything but Prince Charming.... the statue spontaneously breaks. Some women would break it for just that reason. I'd say dump it.

Oh, and on BF? He did not call...so you did? So if he does no work in the R, shows no interest, should you just pick up the slack.

Don't call.

If he's in a wreck, someone will contact you. Don't call.

Yeah - sell the ring and buy yourself some rollerblades with the money!!!

Two problems solved!!!

Face it - even if exH miraculously came back to you and you miraculously forgave him, you'd want NEW rings for a NEW R anyway, right? So sell that sucker!!!

Ellie

Oh my. I forgot to even react to the ultra romantic offer of leftover pizza on a Friday night. Quite a charmer, eh? LEFTOVER PIZZA????

And, what's with his lack of even owning his plans for the evening? Obviously HE wants to go to the bar, but he can't say it? He has to say his brother wants to go? That's like if someone asks me what I'm doing next week. "well, my mother wants to go to Portugal". That's not even an answer!!!

Sigh. Leftover pizza. Every woman's dream for date night.

TMW,

Please remember to not take these things personal - as far as BF is concerned.

You deserve so much, but he wouldn't be able to give it to anyone, even to someone who didn't deserve it.

I don't think you are taking it personal, but it's just a weakness of mine and I wanted to reassure you that you are awesome, and it's not you at all!

I would throw pcharming away, 2 broken arms? Egad! He he, don't think I ever used that expression before.

Whitelight says she'd throw Prince Charming away.... well I'd probably break it some more before I threw it away. If it were a statue of a kitten or something, probably not. But for it to be Prince Charming, from the man who pretended to be my own Prince Charming? I'm thinking there would be some additional breakage, even if it meant a few minutes of cleaning up.

We bought two pairs of these recently, one for D10 and a spare pair for when her friends come over!

They're fun for going around malls and other very smooth areas in.

Livnlearn

Down mood. Sorry

Friday stayed home. I forgot my cell phone in the car, around 7:30 or so I went and got it. BF had called, didn't leave a message. I called him, asked what was up. He said him and his brother were going to the bar.
Didn't even ask if I wanted to go or anything. Asked if I wanted to come over the next day (saturday) - I said call me, we'll see.

Saturday he called around noon. I went over. He didn't get up to greet me or anything. I didn't make the effort to go to him. I sat in the recliner, he was in the love seat. After a little while he asked me to come over by him. Still no hug, no kiss. He asked what was wrong and I told him - he doesn't call, he doesn't ask about my day & he couldn't even invite me to go to the bar. He didn't say anything.
I had to leave for work.
I sent him a text message letting him know when my break was - didn't hear from him all night.

Sunday - took the dog for a walk. I called BF to see if him or his mom were home so me and the dog could visit. He said he was on the way to Home Depot to get some cement, but he'd be back in 20 minutes and his mom wasn't home. He called when he was on his way home and the dog and me were still walking so we stopped. BF and his brother were fixing the floor of the garage. He didn't talk much. His mom asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I declined because SD was doing one of his big cookouts. His mom told me about her plans to buy filet minons for BF's birthday Tuesday.
BF also asked if I was staying, when I said no he looked a little upset. Before I left he was playing with the dog - and I looked at him and just said, "We don't seem to have much of a relationship going here"....... no response. I told him to tell his mom not to buy me a steak - that I'd just come over later and give him his birthday gift.

Last night I sent him a text message - "seems u don't care much about "us", so u not just give up. easier to write than say. y is it so easy to give up on me & us"

No response.

Later I logged onto AIM via my cell phone.
BF's mom was on. I asked if BF told her not to buy a steak for me for tuesday. She said no, why? I told her cause the price & cause i'm not sure what's going on with me and BF. She said she's not worried about the price & it's only once a year. I told her I'd stop later for cake or whatever to give him his gifts. She said that's ok, but if I change my mind she isn't buying the steaks until tuesday. I told her it depends alot on her son - which hasn't been anything so far. She said he's been quiet. I told her I'm just done and I don't know what else to say or do but give up. She said maybe things will get better. I told her I keep hoping. She said to keep thinking positive. I told her I'll try.
Then I logged off.

I just wish I didn't care so much. That my heart wasn't so invested.

SD asked me twice again this weekend if I'll be ok there, at his house.

Borders cut me back, as I asked - I work tonight 6-10 and Saturday 3-11.
I asked for 10 hours a week and to work during the day on the weekend, but oh well.

(((TMW))): Breakups always hurt. I know that you are really down. But you deserve so much better. Now its time to accept that its over and move on. As for BF's mom - well of course she will continue to encourage you to be with him - you are what she wants for her son!

If BF's greatest outing of the week is to the bar without you - I think that speaks volumes. If he makes no effort at all - I think that says a lot too. Who would want to be part of that????

NOPE< TMW - it is time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Take a look in the mirror. You are beautiful. You deserve better. You have already taken steps in the right direction to your new future. Don't step back now.

If it were me, I would give him the birthday gifts then cool it. Go for the cake alone, just as you decided. Don't get sucked in by his mom. Remember - he learned his behaviour somewhere. After that - let him do the contacting. Get out there. Join a group or start a new hobby. Look for new friends (male or female) there, not at the bar. Cultivate the kind of people you would like in your life and figure out where to find them. What have you always wanted to try???

There have been some excellent suggestions made here with respect to making plans and setting goals. Go back and read them today. I hope they give you the encouragement you need to pull you out of this slump. Start those lists.

And start living the first day of the rest of your life. As a DIVA!!!!

Barb

TMW,

wow, he does not act like much of a BF does he? It seems like he just goes with the flow, based on whoever is nearby? When he lived with you, he hung out with you. Now he lives at home, and follows his brothers lead?

I do think you are making a mistake to continue to send him text messages, and say things about why not break up. You continue to try to put the decision on him, rather than just take a stand for yourself. You say/text him these things, and he does not answer or does not remember the conversation. He does not change his behavior, then you are disappointed. It's almost like you are trying to get him to break things off? To tell you, yeah, you're right, we're done.

Why do you want HIM to call things off? Why is it so important that this be HIS decision? He clearly is not the leader, he can barely follow.... yet it looks like you are attempting to goad him into dumping you, based on your saying that things are not working. If you know they are not working, why not just make the decision yourself, for yourself? Why not own it rather than trying to get him to make the call? These statements, and text messages are clearly your attempt to try to get him to react-- but over time it's also very clear that it's not working. It's a cheeseless tunnel.

I also doubt there is much good in your trying to confide in his mom, in hopes that she will intervene on your behalf. I think you are trying to make chicken salad out of chicken sh!t. It won't work.

You deserve so much better, I wish you knew that.

If I had more sick days, I'd be home.

Tears just keep coming out and I can't stop them. I'm trying so hard.

I was weak and called BF, just to ask if he had gotten my message. He said yeah. I asked if he was talking to me. He said yeah. I asked what he was doing, he was getting scrap with his brother. I told him he doesn't respond, he doesn't say anything.
There were several moments of silence and I told him I'd let him go.

I sent him a text - I keep reaching out & getting nothing. I'm sick of crying and your silence. We need to talk in person, face to face. Tell me when is good & where. i'll pay for the texts (he doesn't have text messaging) i won't send more. it's just killing me you not saying anything. i don't know what's going on with u, what u want to do, how u feel

I'm sick of hurting and crying and being weak.

I wish I didn't care about him and this relationship so much. I wish I didn't love him.

I've tried all I could, I've said all I could, I did all I could. I gave him so much time and I hoped and hoped so much.

Sorry, I'm just down. Very down. I know how disappointed everyone in my life is with me - how disappointed I am in myself.

Aw TMW, I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. Good for you, telling him y'all need to talk in person.

Now you need a plan for what you will actually say during that conversation.

Don't be disappointed in yourself, and don't wish you did not care about him. No sense in either of those. You can't help that you care about him-- but you must realize that he/the relationship is not good for you, not what you need or want, not what you deserve. Don't be mad at him, don't try to change him-- he is what he is, and there is no way you can make him something else. Don't be mad, just realize that it's not right for you. Do what must be done for YOU, without anger, without remorse. Just do it because it must be done.

Sometimes after a divorce, the damndest things make us sadder than they should. I remember being desolate over a post D relationship, and even at the time, part of me know that it was not worth being that upset over. Looking back, it was leftover greiving for the divorce, it had to flow out somewhere.

Be patient with yourself. It's a long road to recovery. Take your time, there's no "fast forward" option. Just be true to yourself. Things will hurt for a while, but not forever. A year from now, there will be SUCH a difference in your life, as long as you stay on track and do the right things.

Thanks 2nd.
I just keep wishing he cared, maybe not as much - but just showing he cared a little would help, would be an improvement.

I kept hoping for the best, hoping for some change - for him to open up a little, anything.

I hate doing this - with his birthday tomorrow. I hate being a wreck like this. Feeling so unneeded, unwanted - again.

As for the conversation - not sure what to say. I've said it all, I've done it all and I'm just done. I can't do it anymore. This past week I gave up calling and making plans - and the relationship seems to have died. It kills me because I do love BF and I care a great deal about him and his family. I just can't keep putting myself through this.

I had a post D BF. For a while it was good. It was so nice to have someone there, to care, to do things with. At some point, I got this funny feeling that I was doing too much of the work in the R. Not nearly as extreme as in your case, but it was not the balance I thought was right. So I backed off, to observe. And guess what? He did not take up the slack. So I was done. Not mad or anything, it was what it was, and if I did not keep things going, well... they did not go.

I was done. It was not reasonable for me to want him to be something other than what he was, to act somewhat other than what can naturally to him. Most men are pretty attentive when they are courting-- he was too. But once they "have you" they stop courting and take things for granted. I figure that's most of what happened-- that and the fact that we'd helped each other weather some of the horrible post divorce lonliness, needing to have someone to be with.

If you don't want to have an official break up, then don't. Just stop calling. Stop thinking of him and referring to him as your BF (since he really isn't).

Mine was a live in, and at first I just moved him to another room before he actually moved out of the house.

This guy came into your life for a reason, a purpose. Probably to get you through a rough time post D. He did his job. Nothing more, nothing less. People come into our lives for reasons, but when that reason is gone, then they usually fade away. You are not losing a great R... that's not what this was. You are losing your hope that this was going to turn into a great R-- but that was not a reasonable hope, it was pretty much what you wanted but there was little to suggest it was realistic.

It's all a process. You will likely have at least 2-3 more "transistional" men before you are ready to really be comfortable on your own. Only then are you actually ready for a real R, that could go the distance.

Baby steps. This is not easy, but you CAN do it.

No more pursuing, I promise. No more calls or texts.

I guess it was my belief that he had the potential to be a better man. The moments that the potential shined through - that gave me the hope.

I guess a large part of me hanging on this long was that I don't want another failed relationship. But I know I've done more than my part.

It all just hurts.

Still no response from him. I'm sure he's upset, but he just won't talk about it or write about it or let it out any way.
I'm eating my lunch for the mere fact that I know I have to eat. My stomach is all in knots.

The only 2 men I've loved in my life - seem to just give up the relationship, give up on me. Well, there was a time that XH faught for the relationship - when he had a fear that he might "loose" me.
In the begining of the R with BF he tried, he called, we went out. Now that we are back to living seperately - I don't know, we just couldn't survive as a couple. He made plans for the day after we moved back in with out parents, but nothing after that.

I just don't know. I don't know why my heart is so attached.

I've read that - good read. Some funny stuff too.

The only person I've ever thought I "needed" was my wasband - I needed him because I loved him. Because we thought we completed each other (at 1 time), because we thought we were soul mates (for a long time).

I don't feel that I need BF - but I love him and I'd like things to work with someone I love. But the person I love has to be willing to go the distance. To step up, to be the man I need.
Things are in the air. I'm not going to call BF or text him - I'll go to his house for his birthday and we'll see what happens. If he wants a relationship - he's going to have show it.

I don't know what I should say if/when he does call and if/when he wants to talk. I love him, but I can't be with someone who can't show they love me & can't communicate with me and who can't put forth equal effort to the relationship.

My mom called - she said I just have to put a wall up. Put myself in a room with all the things I love. There is only 1 way in and out of the room and the door locks on the inside - so I control who is in and out.
It sounds like a nice easy concept - but difficult to put into action.

TMW: Weve all been where you are right now. I had a tough time letting go of my first Post D R. It REALLY hurt. But I have to ask you this "what do you love about him"? I mean it - he just seems so unloveable to the rest of us. He has so little ambition, accountability, he never bothers to show interest in you, do anything for you. I mean - you've listed tons of stuff here on the bb that tells us why you are angry with him and why he doesn't live up to your expectations but not much about why you would want to love him. I'm just curious about why you would hold on. "let go". He's just not that into you (yes, I read the book) and he's also just not worth it.

OK, grieve today. Give in to your feelings. Cry. Drink tea. Have a bubble bath. Tell a friend. Or just tell us. But grieve a lost R. You are not a loser. You just are too quick to give away your heart to one who doesn't deserve it. After you've healed a bit more - go find someone who DOES deserve your love.

After my sad sad post D breakup I dated again within a month. Not the right guy - but closer. Met Josh a month after that. And he is worth it. I knew right away. 2 years later its still good.

I promise you - you won't be alone too long. But learning to be alone and liking it is really good for you. That's when you take back the control. When you decide when and if you want a new man. You'll be surprised - sometimes you'd rather just be alone.
Barb

I'll be the first to admit that the R with BF started too soon and it likely started because of the familiarity. I didn't have to take all the time to explain my craziness and my family's craziness and I didn't have to take time to learn about someone else's craziness or their family's.

I'm also the first to admit that I love him a lot for the man he could be, not the man he is now.

I love that he is a get dirty-works with his hands kind of guy. That he can fix my car and stuff.

He showed he cared about me in little ways. With the dog or the car. Buying a drink I like when he stopped at the gas station, ordering a drink I like. At the condo - he would put my towel in the dryer when I was taking a shower so it was warm when I got out, or he'd take a little colder shower so I could have more hot water.
He liked me being with him and I liked that. He was affectionate.
He invisioned a future of us - he believed in us from day 1. His friends believed in us.
The way I would catch him with my dog.
It's a lot of little, everyday things that made me love him - again.

TMW: BF did show he cared in lots of small ways but those are now in the past. Hold them in your memory and it you let go before things get more sour - you will remember him with fondness.

But "I love him more for what he could be". That's the fairy tale. Because that is not the reality. If he becomes that man and actually changes. And actually comes for you. And for some strange reason you are not in a wonderful new R. Then deal with it then. But the truth is - there really are no knights in shining armour who come to save us. We have to save ourselves. Then when the time is right - we usually meet someone whom we'd love to be with. Who wants a rescuer anyway??? PHOOOEEYY!!!

But thanks for making the list. It does help us understand a bit. Heck - 5 years later and I STILL miss the H who would bring me that first cup of coffee in bed every morning. Damn I miss that!!! Josh does it when I'm at his place but that's not a daily thing.

Barb

before this gets all locked up and someone throws away the key - Chapter 22

Barb - I replied on the new post .

Yep, if they did not have any redeeming qualities at all, we would never have been with them. My wasband made coffee and brought it to me every morning. I had a foot rub or back rub (or both) pretty much every day/night for more than 20 years. I never once toted groceries or trash, he did all the toting. I never pumped gas, if I was almost out, he'd meet me at the gas station so he could fill my tank for me. Now, as nice as these things were, it did not actually make up for his drinking, his lack of earning a living, his lying..... but I can remember the good things fondly, while knowing I am better without him in my life.

For a while, after the D, it was harder to remember these good things-- as the hurt was overwhelming. But in time, emotions fade and it is easier to have a balanced view. I may never find another man who does the exact same nice little things. Who handpaints Christmas ornaments for our first Christmas tree, who sent flowers on the 10th anniversary of our first date.... But I am also strong enough and smart enough that I will never again be with someone who wants me to support them while they goof off and lie to me. I deserve, and will demand better.