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To read or not to read? That is the question.

Posted By: Michele

To read or not to read? That is the question. - 03/18/02 04:42 AM

People often ask me, "How do I get my spouse to read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting,?" or "Should I encourage my spouse to read your book?" Here are my thoughts about this.

I wrote both books with the idea that both spouses working on their marriage simultaneously is a luxury. I generally assume that one spouse is more motivated than the other to work on the marriage- read self-help books, take marriage education classes, talk about things regularly, and so on- and believe that it is truly possible for one person to trigger positive relationship change singlehandedly. My experience with couples has taught me that I do not need both spouses in order to help couples improve their marriages in fairly radical ways. I just need one motivated spouse. Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes. So, I show people how to approach their partners in new and more productive ways. Often this triggers a solution avalanche.

However, when both spouses are willing to read the books, that's great. It will mean that you will have a shared perspective, a common vocabulary and similar ideas about what real change in marriage requires. But the operative word here is willing.

If your spouse has pulled away and let you know in no uncertain terms, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," or if you're already doing The Last Resort Technique, your asking him or her to read the book will probably be viewed as chasing. As you probably know by now, chasing a reluctant spouse is like opening the door to let him or her out of the marriage. It doesn't work. If your spouse has told you to back off, don't ask him or her to read the book.

If, on the other hand, things aren't quite as rocky, you can consider asking your spouse to read the book. Don't insist, just ask. Some people have had more luck leaving the book around the house in a conspicuous place rather than asking directly. You might just pique your spouse's curiousity. But the bottom line is that you should not make reading the book an issue. That would be detrimental.

And one more thing. Don't assume that if you're the only one reading the book that it's a less-than-desirable situation or that your chances of reconciliation are worse. They aren't. Ultimately, you have to be the catalyst for change whether your spouse reads the book or not. You have to change you. So get started. Read like the dickens and put to use what you learn.
Michele
Posted By: Michele

Re: To read or not to read? That is the question. - 05/09/02 11:00 PM

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Posted By: Tia

Re: To read or not to read? That is the question. - 08/04/02 09:35 AM

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Posted By: Tia

Re: To read or not to read? That is the question. - 12/16/02 06:04 AM

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Posted By: Jamesjohn

Re: To read or not to read? That is the question. - 03/02/05 05:31 PM

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