--Stop losing your cool every time he says something you don't like or want to hear. Listen to him and return it so he knows you heard it. Its called empathetic listening.
Be more of an ear instead of a mouth. When you can do this change in your behavior, he may follow suit.
~Rondo
--Nothing we would normally do will make it better only worse. Only by going in the opposite direction, only by doing the unexpected only by loving ourselves can there be any hope of our spouses coming back.
We CAN have hope in the midst of the pain. We have the hope that others that have gone before us have gotten through this. We have hope that sometimes by doing the 180 dance the spouses return. TIME is our friend and enemy. We want the problem solved now. To put it bluntly, NO WAY. Time will heal us in the end as long as we're working on it.
The toughest thing to do right now is to take an honest inventory of yourself. It is hard but rewarding. Where have I gone wrong? What can I do differently? Get it all out in the open and then share it with someone. Then burn it, throw it away. Anything to tell yourself that at the time you handled your life as best you knew how. Forgive yourself. It will take time (there it is again), but it will be worth it. Then forgive the wife.
~John
--Take a look at the 'forum' section of this website, at the article 'He's Just Teething'. Think of your wife that way - like a baby that's teething, or a teenager acting up. You have to ride it out. You have to stay optimistic. Don't let her persuade you that it's over until YOU say it's over!!!
~Jane
--Plan distractions that work for you. Find other things that help...I watched inductions into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tonight, and started to boogie by myself in my living room. It felt great!
Try prayer, music, dancing, crossword puzzles, extra time with the kids, reading, a hobby, exercise, and yoga, whatever works for you. Force yourself to occupy your mind some of the time with thoughts that don't have to do with your marriage.
~Mary
--When my wife says ugly things, I just smile because I know why she is doing it. Knowledge is power, power is strength. Let 'em slide off like water on a duck's back and then just "shake your tail" like a duck and go on about your business, the 180/Last Resort. Waddle if need be.
~Mark
--So my point is, BACK OFF! I know better than anyone how hard that is when you love someone with all your heart and soul, but you must try. Like Michele told me in one session I had with her, and like she says in DB, if you don't stop trying to convince your spouse you will push that person away. It still may not work out for you (i'm sure you don't want to hear this) but if you don't change your behavior, she'll feel too pressured.
~Bob
--I agree 100% with Michele, and that when you talk to H you need to be different than you have been ... change your pattern of behavior. You be the one who signals the end of your talk with H, not him. He needs to see/hear/feel you doing and saying things that are not what he expects. This opens the dynamics of the relationship up ... and makes it possible for wheels to start turning again ... in the right direction if the person who is effecting the change knows what they are doing.
~TomM
[This message has been edited by Tia (edited 04-16-2001).]