Posted By: Ready2Change
Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/14/08 11:20 PM
I was collecting wise quotes I found while reading other posts and decided to share:
Remember that mom is very confused and unhappy right now. Every day, everything that we do has the potential to bring us all a little closer together, or to push us all a little farther apart. Let's work hard to make things better, not worse
Focus JUST on today
Ok so she is %100 sure she is going to leave? Well she would not be living with you & telling you she is going to leave, she would have left. She is asking you to make a change. I know it does not make sense but this is the way they think
So this is your main goal to help her, not make her, fall in love again.
the most succesful people on this board are ones who get a life without there SO & do it with grace
When calling your d, before doing it, I sugest to get yourself in the right frame mind, it is about your d, not w, this way you wont get so caught up in talking with w; and if you do talk to w, make it brief, no talking about you (mystery) and end the conversation first...this gets them thinking..but be polite. The more you do it the easier it becomes. Humans are curious people (even when they are acting like they are from another planet), it makes them think, and wonder....and that is a good thing!!!
Keep focused on me. Real temptation here to go into R-fixing mode. Must keep working on improving myself, not get sucked into that. Take the long view, not jump at a quick fix that is likely to backfire.
but when you wake in the morning that is the first day of YOUR life...and to begin it...for you.
Show empathy – “it sounds like you feel xxx, is that right?”
As the LBSs who are the only non-aliens in the R, we have to be patient about EVERYTHING, including our own complaints about the R. It is SO UNFAIR
was to not lose balance in my life. Can't focus all of my energies on the R, even if indirectly.
As for the whole space thing....you know my sitch. TJ gave me my script when H talked about moving out: "I know things seem pretty bad right now, but my preference is that you stay here. However, if you think there's no other way, I will support you. As for me, I see a variety of ways we can work together to give you your space without you moving out."
I see now how dependant I was on him....and now I know I dont need him, but love him, and that for me is a great growth.
Acknowledge the roller coaster but don't ride it w/your W. You are the consistent one in this chaos! This is when you just "act as if." You have your actions regardless of W.
180s being me-focused make a lot of sense
I am listening to others more intently because you learn more from listening than from talking.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
"H - I prefer that the marriage work. However, you're right: It does look impossible. I see many options for us heading in new directions, however if you feel this is the only way you'll be happy, then I won't stand in your way and will gladly help you move forward."
I just became conscious of what I was doing and began working on first recognizing it when I was doing it, then stopping myself in the middle
CONSISTENCY. PATIENCE. PERSISTANCE. COMPASSION. DETACHMENT.
A word of caution. It sounds like you are leaning a little bit towards "do fun stuff to show H how great you are doing" rather than "do fun stuff just for you". I think that's a dangerous path to go down. Don't let the focus of your growth be him, let it be you.
The ILY - avoid like the plague. "Have a nice day" is perfect....let him miss it....
With + attitude comes freedom. With freedom comes confidence. With confidence comes peace. With peace comes happiness.
For a WAW what about Martian Chick? Fem-bot? Or just space girl? It helps to look at them as different people, almost like multiple personalities. Helps to detach from their bizarro behavior.
Remember time for these aliens is completely different to what it is for us.
Remember, your 180s and changes have to be things you intend to keep long term.
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
- Albert Einstein
DB does say to ask for what you want
so many posters around here that just don’t get it. Their fear, frustration, and sense of injustice prevents them from focussing on what has to be done.
The golden rule of DBing is… If it works, do it. If it doesn’t work, stop doing it.
You are doing the right things: strength, stability, solutions.
I just recently read a thread about the need to make the R feel safe for S. WOW! Yea THAT's IT!! I need her to feel safe & confortable in the R
-KAW (goal in peicing)
The general consensus is that we should not give DR to our spouses.
I want my M to work so I am going to enjoy the good times and hope that our feelings stengthen. There really isn't a choice is there.
My priority is to have fun with my W and enjoy myself. That will probably lead to a better M now shouldn't it. Don't worry about winning the race, worry about how well you are running in the race.
Don't let her get you too low or too high. I screw this up all the time.
You are competeing with the OM. So kick his A$$. Not physically, but in the battle for your W. No, it shouldn't be a competition, but guess what, it is. That is how I handle my sitch.
Most people will rise to a challenge but sometimes they don't know there is one. We have a very similar one buddy. Lure our W away from a fantasy world that will hurt them eventually.
I would suggest counselling... only call it "coaching" and see how he reacts
I decided to gently coax her, by telling to but herself in my shoe and wonder what I must be thinking by her not saying anything about what is bothering her. I told my imagination was running wild with this and I was really scared we were backsliding. I promised I would only listen and not say anything unless she asks
Often times, I've found that some of the times we feel like we're not moving forward are times we are helping to build our foundation back up, stronger and better than ever
All you need to do is love her, respect her, enjoy her, humor her, comfort her and pleasure her. What else could she ask for? Not much.
Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.
Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? [Racheal, this is what you been asking for...] As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
Thereby breaking the previous cycle and IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!
The calm isn't obtained by anything you do, but by the belief that ... what you are doing ... will bring you closer to where you want to be. It doesn't seem to get address here directly enough, but we have to overcome our own self doubts if we are truely going to experience a closer R with our spouses.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Reconcilliation is not possible if you are still caught-up in a mode of resentment, anger, disrespect and all the other ill feelings that tag along. It's just not possible. You can't focus on DBing if you don't have control of these feelings and emotions. After you decide wether you want to try to salvage your R, You need to retreat within and make some serious changes in the way you think, feel and react.
This is very definitely NOT a short-term process, and if you expect a quick fix, you're sorely mistaken. The "winners" in this game will be those who have the patience, stamina, and determination to ride it out.
DBing is a constant work in progress too. Once you start, you really can't let it go. Marriage is WORK. Stop the work the marriage goes down the toilet usually. Working it in a positive fashion and being aware of what is going on around you helps make all the difference! That's the DB toolkit and guidebook!
I think in order the heal and truly put it behind you, one has to know the truth, face it, deal with it, and bury it.
Don't let the pain and anguish control you and make you quit. Always remember that the pain and anguish is self inflicted as we choose wether or not to accept it.
Let go of the expectations and you will be rewarded. Acknowledging the truth of a situation almost always brings a sense of peace. If there is one gift I wish to offer each of you, it is a sense of peace.
The answer is simple and self evident -just give LOVE and be LOVE without expectation...
Doing this is harder than it sounds...
So why not live each day as if it could be our last, (carpe deim), but in a way that makes our relationships more loving, repleneshing and meaningful than if we "assume" that our loved-ones are coming home for the same reasons that we are
That is what I love about this forum. We are all travelling the same train. The train stops, some get off, some get on, we all ride togather. It's the sharing that makes this dark journey a little more bearable. In the end, the journey no longer seems dark. It's enlightening. At the end of the journey, alot of questions are answered. The rest? They become unimportant.
When the R is in trouble, expectation gets turned into a weapon against you
Hang in there. 70% of this process is learning REAL patience