Quotes found on Divorcebusting

Posted By: Ready2Change

Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/14/08 11:20 PM

I was collecting wise quotes I found while reading other posts and decided to share:


Remember that mom is very confused and unhappy right now. Every day, everything that we do has the potential to bring us all a little closer together, or to push us all a little farther apart. Let's work hard to make things better, not worse

Focus JUST on today

Ok so she is %100 sure she is going to leave? Well she would not be living with you & telling you she is going to leave, she would have left. She is asking you to make a change. I know it does not make sense but this is the way they think

So this is your main goal to help her, not make her, fall in love again.

the most succesful people on this board are ones who get a life without there SO & do it with grace

When calling your d, before doing it, I sugest to get yourself in the right frame mind, it is about your d, not w, this way you wont get so caught up in talking with w; and if you do talk to w, make it brief, no talking about you (mystery) and end the conversation first...this gets them thinking..but be polite. The more you do it the easier it becomes. Humans are curious people (even when they are acting like they are from another planet), it makes them think, and wonder....and that is a good thing!!!

Keep focused on me. Real temptation here to go into R-fixing mode. Must keep working on improving myself, not get sucked into that. Take the long view, not jump at a quick fix that is likely to backfire.

but when you wake in the morning that is the first day of YOUR life...and to begin it...for you.

Show empathy – “it sounds like you feel xxx, is that right?”

As the LBSs who are the only non-aliens in the R, we have to be patient about EVERYTHING, including our own complaints about the R. It is SO UNFAIR

was to not lose balance in my life. Can't focus all of my energies on the R, even if indirectly.

As for the whole space thing....you know my sitch. TJ gave me my script when H talked about moving out: "I know things seem pretty bad right now, but my preference is that you stay here. However, if you think there's no other way, I will support you. As for me, I see a variety of ways we can work together to give you your space without you moving out."

I see now how dependant I was on him....and now I know I dont need him, but love him, and that for me is a great growth.

Acknowledge the roller coaster but don't ride it w/your W. You are the consistent one in this chaos! This is when you just "act as if." You have your actions regardless of W.

180s being me-focused make a lot of sense

I am listening to others more intently because you learn more from listening than from talking.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.

"H - I prefer that the marriage work. However, you're right: It does look impossible. I see many options for us heading in new directions, however if you feel this is the only way you'll be happy, then I won't stand in your way and will gladly help you move forward."

I just became conscious of what I was doing and began working on first recognizing it when I was doing it, then stopping myself in the middle


A word of caution. It sounds like you are leaning a little bit towards "do fun stuff to show H how great you are doing" rather than "do fun stuff just for you". I think that's a dangerous path to go down. Don't let the focus of your growth be him, let it be you.
- Rob1231

The ILY - avoid like the plague. "Have a nice day" is perfect....let him miss it....

With + attitude comes freedom. With freedom comes confidence. With confidence comes peace. With peace comes happiness.

For a WAW what about Martian Chick? Fem-bot? Or just space girl? It helps to look at them as different people, almost like multiple personalities. Helps to detach from their bizarro behavior.

Remember time for these aliens is completely different to what it is for us.

Remember, your 180s and changes have to be things you intend to keep long term.

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
- Albert Einstein

DB does say to ask for what you want

so many posters around here that just don’t get it. Their fear, frustration, and sense of injustice prevents them from focussing on what has to be done.

The golden rule of DBing is… If it works, do it. If it doesn’t work, stop doing it.

You are doing the right things: strength, stability, solutions.
- tbone

I just recently read a thread about the need to make the R feel safe for S. WOW! Yea THAT's IT!! I need her to feel safe & confortable in the R
-KAW (goal in peicing)

The general consensus is that we should not give DR to our spouses.

I want my M to work so I am going to enjoy the good times and hope that our feelings stengthen. There really isn't a choice is there.
My priority is to have fun with my W and enjoy myself. That will probably lead to a better M now shouldn't it. Don't worry about winning the race, worry about how well you are running in the race.

Don't let her get you too low or too high. I screw this up all the time.
- tbone

You are competeing with the OM. So kick his A$$. Not physically, but in the battle for your W. No, it shouldn't be a competition, but guess what, it is. That is how I handle my sitch.
- tbone

Most people will rise to a challenge but sometimes they don't know there is one. We have a very similar one buddy. Lure our W away from a fantasy world that will hurt them eventually.
-- tbone

I would suggest counselling... only call it "coaching" and see how he reacts
- treesa2

I decided to gently coax her, by telling to but herself in my shoe and wonder what I must be thinking by her not saying anything about what is bothering her. I told my imagination was running wild with this and I was really scared we were backsliding. I promised I would only listen and not say anything unless she asks

Often times, I've found that some of the times we feel like we're not moving forward are times we are helping to build our foundation back up, stronger and better than ever

All you need to do is love her, respect her, enjoy her, humor her, comfort her and pleasure her. What else could she ask for? Not much.

Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.

Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? [Racheal, this is what you been asking for...] As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
Thereby breaking the previous cycle and IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!

The calm isn't obtained by anything you do, but by the belief that ... what you are doing ... will bring you closer to where you want to be. It doesn't seem to get address here directly enough, but we have to overcome our own self doubts if we are truely going to experience a closer R with our spouses.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Reconcilliation is not possible if you are still caught-up in a mode of resentment, anger, disrespect and all the other ill feelings that tag along. It's just not possible. You can't focus on DBing if you don't have control of these feelings and emotions. After you decide wether you want to try to salvage your R, You need to retreat within and make some serious changes in the way you think, feel and react.

This is very definitely NOT a short-term process, and if you expect a quick fix, you're sorely mistaken. The "winners" in this game will be those who have the patience, stamina, and determination to ride it out.

DBing is a constant work in progress too. Once you start, you really can't let it go. Marriage is WORK. Stop the work the marriage goes down the toilet usually. Working it in a positive fashion and being aware of what is going on around you helps make all the difference! That's the DB toolkit and guidebook!

I think in order the heal and truly put it behind you, one has to know the truth, face it, deal with it, and bury it.
-Level Headed

Don't let the pain and anguish control you and make you quit. Always remember that the pain and anguish is self inflicted as we choose wether or not to accept it.

Let go of the expectations and you will be rewarded. Acknowledging the truth of a situation almost always brings a sense of peace. If there is one gift I wish to offer each of you, it is a sense of peace.

The answer is simple and self evident -just give LOVE and be LOVE without expectation...
Doing this is harder than it sounds...

So why not live each day as if it could be our last, (carpe deim), but in a way that makes our relationships more loving, repleneshing and meaningful than if we "assume" that our loved-ones are coming home for the same reasons that we are

That is what I love about this forum. We are all travelling the same train. The train stops, some get off, some get on, we all ride togather. It's the sharing that makes this dark journey a little more bearable. In the end, the journey no longer seems dark. It's enlightening. At the end of the journey, alot of questions are answered. The rest? They become unimportant.

When the R is in trouble, expectation gets turned into a weapon against you

Hang in there. 70% of this process is learning REAL patience

Posted By: sgctxok

Re: Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/15/08 01:15 AM

Posted By: GavinO

Re: Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/15/08 02:17 AM

Can this be made a sticky as well?

Good advice in these quotes too and easy to pick up.
Posted By: karen43

Re: Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/16/08 04:47 PM

Ready, thanks for posting these!!! \:\) Karen
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/18/08 06:46 PM

Some more:

Allowing yourself to feel, to be conscious, means that you feel the ups as well as the downs. Not wallowing -- just experiencing.
- MicheleTW

I told no one about his a. I saw with my friends how disclosure hurt long term healing, so chose not to share with any real-life-people. And I feel that my journey is a continuous one. So I want to preserve my privacy. It speaks volumes as to the state of our R though, doesn't it

I usually say even good marriages have roses with thorns and the strong people work thru the thorns.

Betsey pointed out that we move from unconscious-incompetence, to conscious incompetence, to conscious competence to unconscious competence. It seems to be a healthy outlook, rather than the complacency we used to have.

It's kind of like control...the more we try to exert control, the less control we actually have, and vice versa.

1. What do I really, really, really want?
2. Happiest moment today
3. Refine my mantra
-Elizabeth Gilbert

Am I doing this because it's what I need and want? Am I doing this to gain love, approval or attention from someone else? Is this in line with my beliefs? Will this help create a loving, healthy and nurturing environment for me and my family?"

I always liked the one about the Dog that runs from its owner. They chase it yelling , the dog runs harder and when it does come back they scold or hit the poor dog. So next time it runs off it runs further and for longer in fear of the scolding.If the Dog was rewarded for returning then it will not fear returning sooner the next time.I think the same with the WAS , if they see you and you are sad and make them feel guilty then they are not going to want to see you often.
- C_K

His pronouncement started a new life for me. Nothing is the same anymore. It's my life, my choices.

I've been told many times that when one partner changes, it changes the entire relationship.
- Kinlovewithm

don't try to talk her into anything (when you push, she will pull)
- Kinlovewithm

Even though my M was dead (old R), I owe it to my kids to keep trying. I once told my W that she tried to make our M work for 15 years, and there's no way I'm just giving up after 3 months

Do something active and positive as opposed to talking about what happened to make it bad.

the "why the wherefores and whens" mean nothing in comparision to the "WHAT are you going to do about it now!"

Once people truly feel understood, they often give themselves permission to look at things with more of an open mind. Reluctant spouses when seen alone often tell me, "Well, things aren't that bad, but I didn't want to say this before in his/her presence because I didn't want him/her to get his/her hopes up."

Although it may sound difficult and not the right thing to do, in situations like this, all we can and should do is listen, agree and validate their feelings.

.. repeat after me
I understand what you're saying. I need time to process this.

It's okay to do a 180 and start doing housework if you previously didn't, but just don't go overboard.

By the way, he's not making you crazy. He's not making this uncomfortable for you. You are making that happen. He doesn't have the power to control how you feel.
- Just_Me

I understand the uncomfortable silence, but you can control how you deal with it. You can choose to either break the silence, leave the room, go do your own thing.
- Just_Me

When he asks about your plans - be very, very vague and brief. "I'm not sure" or "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" are perfectly valid answers.

FEAR - ever paralyzing. When I let that go, and started to LIVE, BREATHE, as if there was plenty of life to live, for me was out there it was a huge weight off my shoulders.
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Quotes found on Divorcebusting - 03/20/08 07:28 PM


do more of what works and less of what doesn't

You have to go back to the basics, be grateful for what you have and stop dwelling over what you may not have in the future.

Focus on the next day, the next hour, the next few minutes if you need to. Don't spend time worrying about what might be down the road. You'll twist your insides into knots

focus on the prize. Don't allow little bumps on the road to set you back. We are all looking for baby positive steps but you need to look at the big picture as well. Patience.

Today is all we have, I wouldn't poison it with thoughts of the past.

This is her decision to leave, I am not going to have any part in accelerating the process.

There is no WAY he's going to change his mind in 3 weeks. It will take months of him seeing a "new you" and new possibility of happiness with you to even possibly waver (and he may waver in his mind long before YOU see any sign of it, he doesn't want to set you up with "false hope").

Remember it is not you that is broken and it is not her that is broken......it is the relationship that is broken.
-Brandon Kirk

IT DOESN"T CHANGE HOW SHE WILL FEEL ABOUT YOU. You have to start from scratch again and try to become her friend through all this.
-Brandon Kirk

Love is not just an emotion it is an ACTION!

A real 180 is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of your spouse's stereotype of you, or of the things that really annoy your spouse, or of your MORE OF THE SAME BEHAVIORS that are driving you further apart

Make sure you're NOT fishing for compliments, because that will backfire on you

I made a vow and Ill keep it until the end. Its her choice to walk and suffer the consequences that come.

try to be as neutral as possible when dealing with her. ONly talk about the kids and the house and business stuff...she is no longer your wife. In fact, I doubt if the wife you "knew" will ever come back. She'll either emerge a better person or she won't emerge at all and be stuck in MLC Hell.

The worst thing that ever happened to me has been the best thing that ever happened to me

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you

Then, I saw this thread. I realized that I don't need to send her an email, or tell her any of that. It has all been said before. There is nothing more that I can say. I realized that actions speak louder than words. I have to stand back and leave her alone while she processes everything. While doing so, I have to discover what I am doing that drives her away. I have to work on myself so that the next time we are together she has a more positive reaction.

No one changed his or her behavior as a result of hearing how the behavior displeased others, even when the feedback was sincere and sensitively stated.

rehashing discordant feelings ad nauseum tends to emphasize their differences, making them more difficult to reconcile

Ironically, the very thing she was doing to improve her relationship with Hal was actually driving him away

real assertiveness means being able to decide if, how, when or where I make my needs known
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